February 2018

’cause

FREE 2018

parenting is a trip!

CAMP FAIRS There’s one near you

SEE BACK COVER

Consent Hint: It’s Not Just About Sex • PAGE 14

Seasonal Arts Guide Spring Splurges and Steals! PAGE 22 Reimagine the holiday with these family-friendly plans 30

IT’S BETTER TO LET YOUR KID FAIL It’s better for your health and sanity, too 41

FROM DRUG DEALER TO COMMUNITY LEADER Dominique Davis helps Seattle youth find a new path 46

FEBRUARY 2018

WE HEART THESE VALENTINE’S DAY IDEAS

kcls.org/theroadahead

inside

Spring Splurges and Steals!

PHOTOGRAPH OF FORMOSA BY LIU CHEN-HSIANG

Seasonal arts guide for local families 22 FEBRUARY 2018

4 NEWS AROUND TOWN 6 DEAR READER Optimism drives action

8 CRIB NOTES

From recent research to gaga gear

Keeping your relationship strong after kids A former drug dealer helps Seattle youth

30 CUT THIS OUT

19 Q&A WITH JO LANGFORD

36 WELLNESS

When sex is more “ouch” than “ahhh”

41 AGES + STAGES

Embrace the failure — it’s good for you

45

24 F EBRUARY CALENDAR

Feature

14 CONVERSATION ABOUT CONSENT

Share the love on Valentine’s Day

Splurges and steals for your springtime entertainment

46 SOMEONE YOU SHOULD KNOW

11 TEENS TAKE ACTION

Local teens make change happen

Out + About

22 S EASONAL ARTS GUIDE

45 READERS REACT

Advertising Sections

Don’t wait until they’re a teen to talk

30–35 Camps + Arts + Activities 39–47 Schools + Preschools

How do we teach boys about consent?

21 WHAT MY SEXUAL ASSAULT

TAUGHT ME ABOUT PARENTING

A mother refuses to pass her fears on to her daughter

14

PHOTOGRAPH COURTESY OF DOMINIQUE DAVIS

Parenting

46 parentmap.com • February 2018 • 3

news

News Around Town

Nibble+squeak comes to Seattle

Seattle preschoolers earn high marks

Bilingual boom

Nibble+squeak, the dining club for “parents

and the National Institute for Early Education Research found

University of Washington College of

with pipsqueaks,” made its Seattle debut

children enrolled in the Seattle Preschool Program performed

Education is training more elementary

last month. They’ve got networks in 10

better on assessments of their vocab, math and literacy skills.

teachers to be bilingual. That’s

Got a pipsqueak? You’re in luck:

A new study from researchers at the University of Washington

Over the next three years, the

cities, from New York to London, with the

Of course, there’s plenty of room for improvement, say

goal of getting new parents out doing the

researchers, but it’s a good sign that the Seattle Preschool

the college received in late 2017.

same things they loved before kids (so, you

Program is working. This, you’ll recall, was the program Seattle

The money will fund the training of

know, eating a hot meal). See what events

voters approved in 2014 with a $58 million property-tax levy.

approximately 60 elementary teachers

are on the menu at nibbleandsqueak.com/

Currently, the program enrolls approximately 1,000 4-year-

to serve in Spanish- or Vietnamese-

seattle; there’s typically a ticket price for

olds in Seattle with 80 percent of enrolled kids coming from

speaking classrooms around

adults and kids with food included.

families who qualified for free tuition.

Washington state.

Giving Together Please join us each month as we promote, support and learn about an extraordinary local nonprofit. We will highlight the good works of organizations that strive to improve the lives of families and invite you to join us in giving precious time or money.

THE NONPROFIT

Families of Color Seattle (FOCS) PHOTO COURTESY OF FAMILIES OF COLOR SEATTLE

2018

thanks to a $2.4 million federal grant

4 • February 2018 • parentmap.com

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW FOCS had a heck of a year in 2017. They celebrated their second annual FOCS Arts Fest with more than 400 families attending.

They employed and trained 14 FOCS parent educators. They won a grant from Seattle Public Schools to improve how teachers, parents and children talk about race and equity.

Want to make their 2018 even better? Learn how at focseattle.org.

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dear reader Challenging K-12 students through early entrance, and outreach learning programs.

w.edu

in an intellectual community

Optimism Drives Action outreach learning programs. through early entrance, and

gton Seattle campus: Saturday Enrichment al Development

,

Challenging K-12 students

in an intellectual community

W

ithout ignoring the myriad horrors of the day that appear in our news feeds, I continue to be proudly labeled as a pathological optimist. I keep finding the silver linings in these seemingly We offer on the UniversityChallenging of Washington Seattle K-12 students endless and horrific challenges.

Turnscampus: out, I’m in great company. Bill Gates in an intellectual community was recently “Time Magazine”’sEnrichment guest editor with the words “The Optimists” • Transition School • UW Academy •andSaturday through early entrance, learning programs. grandly emblazoned on the cover with powerfully supportive data inside • Summer Programs •outreach Professional Development encouraging our hopefulness.

It’s the power of the human condition that we dig in and work hard to We offer on the University of Washington Seattle campus: We offer on the University of Washington Seattle campus: • Transition School • UW Academy • Saturday Enrichment improve the lives of our families, our communities and our world. Your read Programs • Professional Development Transition School • UW Academy••Summer Saturday Enrichment of this month’s issue will take you on countless journeys of failure, challenge, For more information, Summer Programs • Professional Development • RC Online pain and heartbreak that turn into something miraculous and positive through visit our website: For more information, knowledge and action.

Challenging K-12 students in an intellectual visit community our website: www.RobinsonCenter.uw.edu www.RobinsonCenter.uw.edu Our feature, “Why Consent Is a through early entrance and outreach learning programs.

Phone: 206-543-4160 206-543-4160 for Every Age” (p. 14), is an Email: rcys@uw.edu Phone:Conversation opportune guide Email: rcys@uw.edu to help empower parents SATURDAY ENRICHMENT Current Grades K-8 to stimulate your child’s voice at the earliest Winter Session: January 20 – March 17 age and to teach them that their body is Spring Session: March 31 – May 19 (Registration opens February 26) their own. The thought of my own #MeToo The Saturday Enrichment classes provide intellectually ambitious students with experience at 19 instantly propels my heart challenge, inspiration, and fun, in a collaborative, supportive learning environment. Classes meet for one or two hours per week on Saturdays at the UW to race, throat to tighten and flashback to Seattle Campus to explore topics not usually covered in the K-8 curriculum. my frightening inability to utter, let alone scream “no” or call for help when I needed SUMMER CHALLENGE Current Grades 5-6 to. “How Do We Teach Boys about Consent” July 9 – July 27 (Registration opens March 1) (p. 19) featuring “Spare Me the Talk” author Summer Challenge is an academically advanced summer camp for motivated children seeking an intensive, hands-on, fun educational experience. The Jo Langford adds advice for raising our boys program runs for three weeks, five days a week from 8:30am – 2:20pm, on with a healthier idea of consent because we’re the UW Seattle campus. There is also an After-Class program available for an able to really talk about what it means to additional charge from 2:20 – 4:30pm. Classes are small, and instructors are all specialists in their field. Application criteria can be found on our website. choose whether you want physical affection or touch.

SUMMER STRETCH Current Grades 7-10 A healthier idea of failure — “Your Kid June 25 – July 26 (Registration opens February 1) Will Be Happier If You Let Them Fail” (p. 41) — also removes cobwebs of Summer Stretch offers in-depth, intensive learning experiences as accelerated courses and enrichment courses. Summer Stretch runs 3 days a week my mind harking back to circa 1996 when my eldest and then middle (8:30am – 2:30pm) for five weeks beginning June 25 on the UW Seattle schooler needed to experience failure rather than be excessively coddled and campus.Classes are taught by specialists in their field with a high adult:child enabled. Translation and upside: I quit repetitively checking in on homework ratio. There is a substantial homework load; courses are graded and final so that failure could translate into young adult success, responsibility and transcripts are provided. Application criteria can be found on our website. ownership. You’re getting the short version of this 180 turnaround, but, RC ONLINE Current Grades 9-12 beyond a doubt, this was one of the best parenting plays my husband and I RC Online is a new accelerated learning opportunity, bringing advanced eventually agreed on. college-prep curriculum to an online platform for high school students.

Turnaround extraordinaire is how we define Dominique Davis — Someone RC Online provides an inspiring, expansive educational experience as a window into what college-level work will be like; to move students rapidly You Should Know (p. 46) — a former drug dealer turned community leader from novice to advanced writers, readers and thinkers via specific skills, who has impacted countless kids in King County and beyond. practices and tools. These courses provide challenging curriculum without And finally, we’ve shared the logistical, economic and other barriers that come between a student and educational opportunity. Additional information can be found on our website. some ideas — Readers React (p. 45) — to help find that place and space for you to enjoy with www.RobinsonCenter.uw.edu your someone special on more Phone: 206-543-4160 Email: rcys@uw.edu days than Feb. 14!

“ It’s the power of the human condition that we dig in and work hard to improve the lives of our families, our communities and our world.”

6 • February 2018 • parentmap.com

ParentMap

February 2018, Vol. 16, No. 2 PUBLISHER/EDITOR Alayne Sulkin

EDITORIAL MANAGING EDITOR Jody Allard ASSOCIATE EDITOR Elisabeth Kramer OUT + ABOUT EDITOR

Nancy Chaney

OUT + ABOUT ASSISTANT Jessica Plesko COPY EDITOR Sunny Parsons CONTRIBUTORS

Gemma Alexander, Nancy Schatz Alton, Laura Dorwart, Jessica Graham, Tiffany Doerr Guerzon, Malia Jacobson, Sarah Anne Lloyd, Carrie Lowrance, Natalie Singer-Velush, Emily E. Smith

PARENTMAP.COM

DIGITAL MARKETING MANAGER

Life is full of firsts.

Lindsey Carter

PUBLISHING ASSISTANT

Nicole Persun

SOCIAL MEDIA STRATEGIST

Diana Cherry

ADVERTISING SALES + PARTNERSHIPS MANAGER, ADVERTISING SALES AND PARTNERSHIPS

Dani Carbary, Ben Demar, Ida Wicklund AD OPERATIONS MANAGER Elisa Taylor ADVERTISING CLIENT SERVICES SPECIALIST

Jessica Collet

ADVERTISING BUSINESS DEVELOPMENT COORDINATOR Amanda Brown

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3

PRESENTS….

Dora Heideman

MARKETING/EVENTS EVENT OPERATIONS Tara Buchan

Mallory Dehbod

EVENTS ASSISTANT Zoe Bloom

ART + PRODUCTION DESIGN + PRODUCTION, PRINT MAGAZINE

Emily Johnson

Impossible questions

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Angela Goodwin

PARENTMAP EDITORIAL ADVISORY BOARD Benjamin Danielson, M.D.

ODESSA BROWN CHILDREN’S CLINIC

Joan Duffell COMMITTEE FOR CHILDREN John Gottman, Ph.D. THE GOTTMAN INSTITUTE PROFESSOR EMERITUS, UNIVERSITY OF WASHINGTON

Laura Kastner, Ph.D.

,cause parenting is a trip!

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all about baby Find Your Village Being a new parent can be really isolating, but baby, we’ve got your back.

ALLI ARNOLD

Q:

Notes

Sign up for our weekly eNews for the best in outings and advice ’cause parenting is a trip!

h

parentmap.com/enews

From Recent Research to Gaga Gear

How can new parents make time for each other when they’ve got a newborn at home?

A:

Parenting can connect us with our partners in new and beautiful ways.

It can also sometimes make you forget you have a partner. Making time for each other is super challenging when you can’t even make time to take a shower or complete a single email.

My husband and I have found that making time for each other requires ongoing intention. When you have a baby (or three!), time together doesn’t have to be extravagant. With our first baby, we did a lot with her: walks, hikes, picnics.

My favorite thing to do was pick up our favorite sandwiches and then just go to the beach and take a walk together.

As we’ve added a second and then a third baby to the mix, we try to make the most of the moments that exist when babies are sleeping or when the older ones are at school or other activities. Once the littles go down, we like to have a glass of wine and play cards or make a late dinner together. (Tip: Put your phones away.) We do the occasional date night out, but some of our best moments together are during naptime or at home after the kids go down.

— Jessica Lawmaster, executive director of PEPS (peps.org)

ICYMI: Our Facebook Live with Dr. Dan Siegel

Last month, we did something kinda cool: Bestselling author Dr. Daniel J. Siegel, joined us for a LIVE Q&A on Facebook. He answered questions about “The Yes Brain” (his new book with co-author Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D.), child development and how to raise a kid who’s courageous, curious and resilient (a.k.a. The Dream). Did you miss it? Never fear.

We’re hosting a local event on April 30, 2018. Visit parentmap.com/yesbrain for details.

8 • February 2018 • parentmap.com

Have You Heard?

You know Alexa, Amazon’s cool talking device that can help with everything from grocery shopping to song recognition? Well, she just got cooler. Vroom of the Bezos Family Foundation developed a skill for Alexa that allows Alexa users to access Vroom tips customized to the age of their child. This is some cutting edge baby brain science we’re talking about. Learn more at vroom.org.

Come to Shop, Come to Learn, Come to Celebrate!

Get Out of the House Pop out for a pre-Valentine’s happy hour and take baby along (yes, really!). A couple ideas on where to go: Redmond Town Center (ample parking, great selection of stores, highly walkable) and Woodland Park (be sure to visit Phinney Market Café, one of north Seattle’s most family-friendly restaurants).

Gear We’re Gaga For Valentine’s Day gift, anyone?

A PILLOW TO HELP YOU NURSE LIKE A BOSS OK, so first off this product has an awesome name. Milk Boss is an infant feeding support pillow that’s good for both breastfeeding and bottle feeding. It’s shaped like an egg that you loop over your arm. Told you it was cool. itzyritzy.com

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Also in the line-up: a hot dog onesie, toucan shoes and a teeny-tiny hoodie. robeez.com

parentmap.com • February 2018 • 9

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Meet Breanna Glover Local teens make change happen

By Elisabeth Kramer

C

hances are good that you’ve heard of the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation. From poverty to health to education, the foundation and its partners have improved the lives of billions of people. What you might not know: They’re hoping to inspire the next generation of changemakers, too.

Every month this year, we’ll profile one teen from the Seattle area who is making a difference in their community. Some of the teens featured are involved in the Gates Foundation Discovery Center’s Youth Ambassadors Program (YAP), a year-long service learning program for high school students designed to educate, engage and empower youth.

These teens have their sights set on a better, brighter future. Learn how the Gates Foundation Discovery Center is helping them get there and how you can, too.

This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity and length.

Who am I? I’m Breanna Glover. I’m 18 and a senior at Tahoma High School in Maple Valley. During my freshman year, I took AP Human Geography and we went on a field trip to the Gates Foundation Discovery Center. Deborah [Sepulveda, manager of public programs for the Discovery Center] was my tour guide. I overheard her talking to another student about the Youth Ambassadors Program.

I applied on a whim at 11 p.m. the day before the application was due and I’m really glad that I did!

My mom is from Ghana and so I’ve always been passionate about helping people, particularly internationally. But until I joined the Youth Ambassadors Program, I felt that I had no voice to catalyze social and global change, particularly as a teen. Through Gates, I’ve met a lot of interesting teens who really push me a lot to reconsider how I see my world. It’s made me more aware of the privilege that I have and how important it is to understand what >> Sponsored by:

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parentmap.com • February 2018 • 11

teens take action Meet Breanna Glover continued from page 11 other people are going through. I’ve realized that no matter who you are or where you live, you can still make a change. Everyone’s voices are important.

The world would be a lot better off if we worked together.

What I’m up to Around the time that I got involved with the Gates Foundation, I joined an international program called African Promise Foundation. Our mission is to empower women and children who were displaced in Uganda during the ongoing conflict there. We work to give Ugandan women a stable income by selling beads [editor’s note: per the African Promise Foundation website, they purchase beads from women in Northern Uganda and sell them in developed countries with the sales going back to Northern Ugandan communities to care for orphaned children].

As a sophomore, I organized a jewelry party to support the foundation through my action program [with the Youth Ambassadors Program]. A friend and I fundraised in our local town and we raised over $4,000 that went to the African Promise Foundation and, I want to say, helped eight kids for an entire year.

This year, I’m doing two outreach presentations through the Youth Ambassadors Program. One will be to my school’s administration or school board; the other will be a bigger presentation to the school, which I want to make about empathy and learning other people’s stories with a focus on children’s education.

My experiences with the Youth Ambassadors program also 100 percent inspired me to seek out service opportunities through other programs. Once I realized how passionate I am about service, I joined all the service clubs in school and had my friends join too. Currently, I’m president of my school’s Key Club and secretary of National Honor Society.

“ If you put your mind to it and you care enough about something, you can make change.”

Want to get involved, too? What I recommend You don’t need something big to make change in your community. That’s something I definitely didn’t realize until I joined the Youth Ambassadors at Gates.

Whether or not you apply to a group like this or just focus on your local community, there are always things you can do if you take the time and effort to really look around. It’s up to you to find who needs help. Maybe go into your school’s counseling office and see if there are any families who need help whom you could sponsor. Or perhaps get involved with your local service club. Or just find a cause that you’re really passionate about and go from there.

You should never feel like the passion that you have won’t make a change in the world. Because really, if you put your mind to it and you care enough about something, you can make change. n Elisabeth Kramer is associate editor at ParentMap. 12 • February 2018 • parentmap.com

Childhood Anxiety and

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parentmap.com • February 2018 • 13

feature

14 • February 2018 • parentmap.com

Consent

Why Is a Conversation for Every Age Don’t wait until they’re a teen to have this talk

BY SARAH ANNE LLOYD

A

mid a growing number of headlines about sexual assault, one word keeps popping up: Consent. From the #MeToo movement to Aziz Ansari, we find ourselves asking, “How do we raise kids who get it?”

It’s natural to want to delay having a conversation with your child about consent, let alone about sexual assault, abuse or rape. These are difficult topics from which we’d prefer to shield our kids. But when a third of male college students don’t know what “rape” means and 35 percent of those who’ve experienced sexual assault are “unclear that it was a crime or that harm was intended,” it’s obvious that the standard rubric for “The Talk” needs to change.

One of the best ways to shift the conversation is to have it — frequently and as early as possible.

“As a psychotherapist who works with many survivors of sexual assault, I see consent education as abuse prevention,” explains Rhea St. Julien, a San Francisco-based psychotherapist and mother of a 7-yearold. She started teaching consent with her daughter early. “A child who really understands that their body is their own will be less of a target for predators. There's little I can do to protect [my daughter] from abuse out in the world, but the more I empower her in her own body, the more internal safety she will feel.”

Consent means so much more than verbally telling someone that you want to have sex. It’s about believing that you as a person have the power to choose whether or not to engage in physical affection or touching, no matter how innocent it is — and to be assertive about what happens with your body. If we’re born with that power, the world certainly tries its best to knock that power away from us. So we need to learn it.

But what does consent look like at every age? And how do you start teaching it and keep at it so your child not only understands it, but appreciates and respects it in others, too? We spoke with experts and parents about how they instill this important lesson.

STRATEGY NO. 1

It’s Okay to Say ‘No’

St. Julien has made it a point to teach her daughter how to express herself when she doesn’t want to be touched. “When she tells me about a boy at school tackling her or hugging her without asking, I suggest she tell them, ‘No, thank you! Please ask next time,’” she says. “We also work hard on what to say when people touch her Afro without her consent. ‘Please don’t touch my hair!’ is the usual reply.”

Kids, especially babies, often receive attention from strangers without being asked for any sort of permission. “It’s as if they're objects, not humans,” says Brittney Bollay, a Seattle mother to a 5-yearold. To counteract that objectification, Bollay decided to teach her son as soon as possible that “his body was his and he was in charge of it.” That means she never requires him to hug or kiss relatives — including herself.

“Even as his mother, I try to always ask him before I give him a hug or a kiss.”

Of course, giving kids more control over their own bodies doesn’t mean tickle time is off-limits — it just changes. In St. Julien’s case, tickling has an extra playful twist. “I taught [my daughter] a ‘spell’ she can perform to stop the tickling,” she says. “When she does the spell, I can’t tickle her anymore — my hands don't work! She loves the empowerment she feels when I show her that the spell worked by flopping my hands around.”

That spell? It’s saying the word “no.” >> parentmap.com • February 2018 • 15

ADOLESCENCE ISN’T EASY. HAVING SOMEONE TO TALK TO CAN HELP.

feature Conversation About

Consent

continued from page 15

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When They’re Young, Give Them Options Of course, you don’t want to raise a kid who shuns all attention. Rather, you want them to understand their own boundaries and be empathic to others’. An easy way to teach that: Give your kid options. “I think it’s important social learning to greet and say goodbye to other people,” St. Julien explains. “So, I offer, ‘Do you want to wave, fist bump, high-five or hug?’”

Little kids can’t always have full bodily autonomy — they need baths, they need to get to the doctor, they sometimes need their hand held while crossing the street. “In those cases, we try to at least treat them respectfully and explain why we are doing what we are doing, instead of just because I said so,” says Seattle parent Astrid Gielen, who has a 2-yearold and a 6-year-old. “And we talk about it a lot.”

It can be especially hard when a parent has to take control — like when a kid has a temper tantrum in a grocery store. “[Take] deep breaths, stay calm and don’t make eye contact with other people or you’ll lose your cool,” says Gielen. “I just keep repeating, loudly, in as calm a voice as possible, stuff like ‘I’m sorry. You are not in control of your body right now and it’s my job to keep you safe. I need to hold your hand to keep you safe here in line with me. If you can calm down and stand in line nicely, we don’t have to hold hands.’”

Granted, that isn’t exactly easy, Gielen says. “You feel like everyone on the planet is staring at you, but the only way out is through,” she says.

STRATEGY NO. 3

STRATEGY NO. 4

For some, it’s not their kids who are the hard part about teaching consent. It’s the rest of the family. “Frankly, talking to [my 4-year-old] about consent is the easy part,” says Carla Chavez of Seattle.

“He gets it as much as a toddler can.

But dealing with grown-ups who don’t is the hard part.”

Chavez says she has to stand up for him and “show that it’s okay to be uncomfortable and say ‘no’ . . . it’s an educational process for my relatives as well as the kid.”

Stefanie Le Jeunesse, a mother of three in Mount Vernon, guides touchy relatives “toward something more meaningful than a tickle fight.”

Her method is similar to introducing two people at a party: She sets them up to talk about shared interests. For example: “This is Jane. She loves horses.

And this is Zelda. She’s been wishing for horse riding lessons. Right, Zelda?

Do you want to tell Jane about that?” or “George, did you know that Sarah is an engineer? Would you like to tell her about your robotics class?”

This applies to older kids, too. By being vocal about your own boundaries as an adult, you provide a role model for what consent looks like, and kids can pick up on those skills to advocate for themselves and treat others with respect. Don’t shy away from addressing specific situations. Whether you see them on TV or in real life, they can be examples of what consent should or shouldn’t look like.

The idea with consent education is that eventually, kids learn to develop boundaries — and respect other people’s boundaries, too. “As they get a little older, we can start talking about how this applies to other people” says Gielen.

For Gielen, that means providing her 6-year-old very specific praise when, say, he respects that Mom asked for a little space. And when he doesn’t give her that space? “I try to use the same language of, ‘This is my body and I don’t want to be touched right now and you need to respect that.’”

Bollay has started having conversations with her 5-year-old about how consent isn’t a one-way street.

“As [my son has] gotten older, we’ve had more conversations about how these same rules also go the other way,” Bollay says. One example: She’s explained to her son that if anyone asks him to stop touching them, he needs to immediately stop. That’s a hard lesson — “he’s very snuggly” — but repetition is key. “Sometimes I feel like we're having these conversations a lot, but it’s important.”

Repetition also means keeping the conversation going into their tween and teen years. Seattle dad Forrest Baum has found that helping his 2-year-old son set boundaries has also been a valuable teaching moment for his 12-year-old. His family has been implementing many of the same strategies as other parents, like asking if he wants to hug Grandma.

“I think having [my 12-year-old] witness this process was great ‘cause now he’s in middle school and I hadn’t thought about it in awhile, other than knowing it’s an important time to talk more,” says Baum. “Coming back to it seems so important, especially as he’s growing up.”

Scaling the conversation as kids get older takes a similar approach to laying the groundwork. Adapt lessons about consent to what kids are experiencing in

Don’t Keep It to the Kids

Keep the Conversation Going

“ Dealing with grown-ups who don’t [get it] is the hard part.”

their everyday lives, whether it’s hugging or accepting an invitation to a concert.

The Unitarian Universalist Association’s Our Whole Lives (OWL) curriculum has various levels of holistic sexuality education tailored to age groups from kindergarten to adulthood. Adam House teaches OWL to seventh- and eighth-graders in his congregation at a level which includes role-playing scenarios like a friend asking another friend to ditch school for a hockey game.

The exercises aim to help kids be confident in their decisions and gracious in accepting others’. OWL also includes some practical exercises similar to the ones used on little kids.

“We practice asking one another ‘Can I give you a high-five?’ as a low-stakes introduction to asking consent for physical contact,” House says. “We also use ice cream as a metaphor: Sometimes you want ice cream and will accept it if it’s offered, but sometimes you don’t want it. Just because you accepted ice cream from someone yesterday doesn’t mean they should scoop you up a bowl every time you’re at their house, and certainly doesn’t mean you’re obligated to eat said bowl.”

Students also practice how to spot a real “yes” and accept a “no,” whether it’s obvious or more subtle.

“We practice both responses with a variety of different phrases,” House says. “Then we talk about which of those were real consent, which were clearly not consent and which were ambiguous.”

Such exercises help teach kids the concept of “enthusiastic consent,” or making sure someone is as excited and into someone else’s enjoyment as you are excited and into your personal enjoyment. It’s an important step in making sure kids grow into adults who can recognize and give consent in all elements of their lives, not just sex.

“Anything that seems like a gray-area response, or a non-response, really isn’t consent,” House says. That — accepting yesses and nos out of care for the other person, not on technicalities — gets to the heart of what it means to fundamentally understand consent.

This is how we can raise our kids to lead a cultural shift where bodies are valued and respected. n

“ Anything that seems like a gray-area response, or a non-response, really isn’t consent.”

Sarah Anne Lloyd is a writer and editor who lives in Seattle. parentmap.com • February 2018 • 17

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March 3, 2018 CULTIVATING HISTORY: THE TULALIP INDIAN FAIR (1915–1927)

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Come learn about the little known history of the Tulalip Indian Fair, which occurred on the reservation from 1915–1927.

This display was reproduced with the aid of historic photographs from Hibulb’s archival collection and features original artifacts from the fair.

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Looking for a fun and educational outing for your youth group? The Hibulb Cultural Center offers special tours with reduced admission.

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360-716-2600 HibulbCulturalCenter.org 18 • February 2018 • parentmap.com

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feature EXPERT Q&A

How Do We Teach Boys About Consent?

Find it on Amazon

Seattle therapist and sex educator Jo Langford gives his advice

BY SARAH ANNE LLOYD

W

e’re in the middle of a cultural shift, with known abusers being outed on a bigger scale than before.

So how do we make sure that we’re raising boys with a healthy idea of consent?

To get some guidance, I spoke with Jo Langford, a Seattle therapist, sex educator and dad who frequently coaches parents on having “The Talk” (beheroes.net). In the version of his ParentMap-published book “Spare Me the Talk!” geared toward boys, he outlines several ways men can be part of that solution, including: “Support those you know who have been abused, both female and male” and “Do not participate in anyone’s oppression.”

But the conversation can start much earlier than that.

This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity and length.

How do you get started speaking with kids about consent?

people of the opposite sex. It’s important to have a [serious] conversation: “That [roughhousing] you do with your buddies?

You can’t do that with the opposite sex.”

Talk about how they’re using their [tech] devices, as well.

Most kids today are going to start crossing the lines [of dating] digitally before they cross them in real life.

Porn has to be part of the conversation because the average age of porn exposure now is about 9 or 10, depending on what study you read. I tell parents, before you think you need to have that conversation, you need to have that conversation.

How do you balance bodily autonomy with “You need a bath right now”?

“ Porn has to be part of the conversation because the average age of porn exposure now is about 9 or 10.”

Using the word “consent” is great. You can sub the word “consent” for anything that uses permissions.

Giving them some agency [is useful].

Explaining to kids, “You don’t have to hug Uncle Paul at Thanksgiving. Uncle Paul can ask you if you want a hug and you can decide if you want to give him consent.” Then you can extrapolate it out into their conversations with other people like: “Did you get consent from your sister before you took the candy bar out of her Halloween stash?”

Have kids be able to count on their hands who can see them with their clothes off … so if someone’s outside those five people, they have a reason to come forward about stuff. But then you can also flip that as they get a little bit older: “Are you on that person’s list of five?”

How does the conversation differ with boys?

Everything we do with them is targeted toward dominance and power and aggression. ... We have to own that, as parents and as a culture, and do our due diligence of balancing that out with intimacy and consent and emotions.

Once boys start reaching adolescence, how does that conversation evolve?

That summer between elementary and middle school [is often when] they’re going to start spending more and more time with

Any time we can give kids a choice with that is important. Parents can be a little proactive with it: “We have this happening tomorrow. You need to be clean when we go. So, do you want a bath tomorrow morning or do you want to take your bath now?”

How do you check in on the concepts?

Most parents, myself included, often sort of default to “How was your day?” when they see their kid at the end of the day. I really try to come up with more interesting questions to ask; that could be another one: “How did you do with other people’s boundaries today? How did people do with your boundaries today?”

What's one lesson from your work with adults that applies to this topic?

I think that socialization is enormous. There’s a palpable difference between people when they get into their 20s and they’ve been able to create relationships and they’ve screwed up and had to apologize and had some companions to lean on emotionally versus the kids who don’t. ... It can be a disservice to kids if we don’t let them do any social media until they’re 17 or 18 years old, because then they’re 17 or 18 and have no idea what they’re doing. We don’t want [to wait] until kids are 16 before we take them to their first restaurant because that’s how kids learn to behave in restaurants. We have to do that with their real life and their online life as well. n Sarah Anne Lloyd is a writer and editor who lives in Seattle. parentmap.com • February 2018 • 19

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feature VOICE

What My Sexual Assault Taught Me About Raising a Daughter A mother refuses to pass her fears on

BY LAURA DORWART

“I

t’s a little princess!” the ultrasound technician said excitedly. “You’re having a little girl.” My heart clenched with an emotion I didn’t quite recognize, somewhere between alarm and resignation. Had I wanted a boy?

The prospect seemed unlikely, especially for me. I’d never thought I would care much about my child’s sex. Gender disappointment had always seemed like a myth to me. It sounded like a media buzz phrase, a rarity made real only by its perpetuation in print, or like the central conflict in an uneventful episode of “Everybody Loves Raymond” — wrapped up and laughed off in 30 minutes of lukewarm dialogue.

I also knew that my baby’s sex didn’t necessarily equate to gender. Still, I felt a sort of existential dread, which grew only more real as I looked through clothes and toys intended for girls. These products so often (too often) were emblazoned with phrases like “Future Trophy Wife” and “Total Babe.” Something caught in my throat and stayed there. It was my responsibility to figure out what it was, for my daughter’s well-being and my own.

Some soul-searching revealed that I wasn’t feeling disappointment. This was sharper, toothier; it was fear. I was scared for my daughter, of the ways she might be limited by the messages she’d be inundated with. The ways she might be contained, by others or by her own self-imposed restrictions. The ways women often fold themselves into paper-thin versions of themselves for the benefit of others.

Being a woman means many things to me, many of them positive and empowering, but it also means being afraid. It means tensing my shoulders and quickening my pace down streets at night, being a gatekeeper of the boundaries of my body — perpetually worried that they might again be transgressed.

It also has meant something more sinister: My rapist was a woman. I thought I’d long ago tucked the last of that baggage into storage, but as I reflected on having a daughter, here it was once again. I had to reconsider what sexual assault had meant to my body, and what I would tell my daughter about her own body.

“Oh, she’s so sweet!” the ultrasound tech would say at every appointment as she pressed the wand into my abdomen. Despite their harmless intentions, these words weighed me down. I was wary of “sweet” (as opposed to “strong” or “feisty” — what boys are often called, even in the womb) and I was weary of what “sweet” might

mean for my daughter. “Sweet” — and all of its gendered implications, including the expectation of niceness, silence, politeness and even shame and guilt — had made me vulnerable.

As my pregnancy progressed, I realized that it wasn’t womanhood I feared. It was vulnerability and sexuality itself. Girlhood is often sexualized and “princess”-ified, imbued with traits that aren’t inherently negative but are too often twisted into victimization. How could I combat these messages, particularly given my own somewhat baggage-laden relationship to femininity?

I began to take sex positivity and education about consent much more seriously. I realized that because my rapist was female, I was in some ways both afraid of women and afraid to be one. I refuse to pass those fears — of womanhood, of intimacy — on to my daughter.

My daughter is here now and as she grows, I want her to own her sexuality and her body, to embrace pleasure of all kinds and take charge of her health and well-being.

I’ll be talking to her about consent — not just sexual, but physical and psychological as well. And I won’t avoid her questions about body parts or sex. Creating taboos creates shame and silence, too.

I’d like to say that I’m no longer afraid, but I’m still working on it. What I am is dedicated. If my daughter is a princess (or a prince, or a witch, or all three), she will be one on her own terms. n Laura Dorwart is a Ph.D. candidate and Fletcher Jones Fellow at the University of California San Diego/UC Irvine. Her blog, “Girl Reads” (girlreads.com), which will highlight work by women/trans/femme writers every 24 hours, launches soon.

IG: @girlreadsblog. parentmap.com • February 2018 • 21

out + about Formosa at Meany Center for the Performing Arts

Spring Splurges and Steals!

The seasonal arts guide for local families

BY GEMMA ALEXANDER

Whether you’re on a budget or ready to splurge, we’ve got just the performances and arts to warm your hearts and brighten the long, gray slog between the holidays and summer vacation.

22 • February 2018 • parentmap.com

PHOTOGRAPH BY LIU CHEN-HSIANG

presents

MINI

MAESTROS An informal concert series especially for children ages 2-8 and their grown-ups!

Once Upon A String Featuring a string quartet February 18 | 2:30 p.m.

Great Value!

Family Series 4-Pack

3-2-1 Brass Off! Featuring a brass quintet March 18 | 2:30 p.m.

••• $ $ $

Splurge

• $

Percussion On Parade Featuring a percussion ensemble April 15 | 2:30 p.m.

Steal

Peter and the Wolf Featuring full symphony and Sarah Ioannides, conductor.

No instrument petting zoo.

May 6 | 2:30 p.m.

FEBRUARY

•

Pinocchio

from

70

$

includes box office fees

Single Tickets from

7-$10

$

plus box office fees

Held in Schneebeck Concert Hall, University of Puget Sound, 14th and Union, Tacoma. Arrive one hour early for instrument petting zoo!

(No petting zoo for Peter and the Wolf)

$ Little wooden Pinocchio yearns to be real so that he can read, run and

make friends like flesh-and-blood children do. But his new friends, the clever Cat and Fox, have other plans for this eager-to-please talking puppet. Can Pinocchio manage to outwit his devious friends, tell the truth, and learn from his mistakes? Through March 10. $15. Ages 3–10. StoryBook Theater,

Purchase tickets today: SymphonyTacoma.org | 253-591-5894

multiple venues

•••

Swan Lake

Series sponsor:

$ $ $ This is the most famous classical ballet for a reason and it’s being

brought to us courtesy of Pacific Northwest Ballet. Tchaikovsky’s gorgeous music, spectacular costume and scenic designs, plus a ballerina performing 0118_symphony_tacoma_1-4.indd the dual role of Odette/Odile combine to make this ballet an unforgettable experience for everyone from 4 to 104. (If you miss this one, Ballet Northwest is also presenting “Swan Lake” in May.) Feb. 2–11. $30–$187. Ages 4 and older.

McCaw Hall, Seattle

1

12/11/17 8:18 P

•••

To Kill a Mockingbird

$ $ $ Set in the segregated South, this adaptation of Harper Lee’s classic

novel remains timely and relevant. Although the messages are powerfully valuable, heavy themes make this a story for older kids. Feb. 9–25. $25–$28.

Ages 12 and older. Wade James Theatre, Edmonds continued on page 26

>>

Play all day in a world of BIG toys!

February 16 – June 10 PHOTO COURTESY OF STORYBOOK THEATER

www.WashingtonHistory.org/Toytopia

Pinocchio at StoryBook Theater

1911 Pacific Avenue, Tacoma, WA

parentmap.com • February 2018 • 23

PICKS

SUNDAY

MONDAY SANDRINE RONGERE/PIXABAYS

february

Oly Old-Time Festival, Feb. 15–18

Octopus Week at Seattle Aquarium, Feb. 17–25

TUESDAY ParentMap Camp Fairs, Feb. 3 and 24

Lunar New Year events, Feb. 10–11

INGRID BARRETINE

COURTESTY WASHINGTON STATE HISTORY MUSEUM

Facebook Live with Laura Kastner, Ph.D., Feb. 16

‘Toytopia’ at Washington State History Museum, opening Feb. 16

Kids ‘n’ Critters at Northwest Trek, Feb. 17–19

ParentMap Bothell Preschool Preview, Feb. 10

24 • February 2018 • parentmap.com

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Mercer Slough Ranger Walk. Learn about all the animals that call this wetland home on an hour-long, ranger-led hike. 2 p.m.

FREE. Mercer Slough Environmental Education Center, Bellevue. parks.bellevuewa.gov Planet Wise Film Shorts. Environmentthemed international films, part of the Children’s Film Festival Seattle. 11:30 a.m. $9–$12. Ages 8 and up. Northwest Film Forum, Seattle. childrensfilmfestivalseattle.org

Toddler Time at the Aquarium. Last month this season for fishy fun for tykes.

Sunday–Tuesday, Feb. 4–6 and 11–13; 9:30 a.m.–noon. Included with admission.

Ages 0–5 with caregiver. Seattle Aquarium. seattleaquarium.org Let’s Play: The Three Little Pigs. Short, sweet shows designed for the preschool crowd. Feb. 5–10. $5. Ages 0–5 with caregiver. Olympia Family Theater. olyft.org

Tuesday Play Day. Drop-in play time just for families of children with special needs.

Tuesdays, 10–11:30 a.m. Pay-as-you-will admission. Ages 1–6 with families. Children’s Museum of Tacoma. playtacoma.org ONGOING EVENT Diary of a Wimpy Dad. PEPS event for dads to talk about how to be a good dad amidst “real man” stereotypes. 6:30 p.m. $10; food and drink not included. Diamond Knot Brewpub, Mountlake Terrace. peps.org

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Tết In Seattle. Celebrate Vietnamese culture and the return of spring with dance, music, food and more. Saturday–Sunday, Feb. 10–11. FREE. Seattle Center. tetinseattle.org Lunar New Year Celebration. Welcome the Year of the Dog with a lion dance (11 a.m.), cultural performances, delicious food and more. 11 a.m.–4 p.m. FREE; food for purchase. International District, Seattle. cidbia.org

Community Center Toddler Gym. Seattle’s neighborhood community centers offer free indoor play for tots and caregivers.

Monday–Saturday, various times. FREE. Ages 5 and under with caregiver. Seattle. seattle.gov/parks ONGOING EVENT Shadow Lake Bog Self-guided Walking Tour. Stroll the boardwalk and study the plants in this fascinating bog preserve. Daily during daylight hours. FREE. Shadow Lake Nature Preserve, Renton. shadowhabitat.org

Indoor Playground. Tots play with push buggies, climbers, trikes and more. Tuesdays, Thursdays, 10 a.m.–1 p.m. $3. Ages 9 months–5 years with caregiver. North Kirkland Community Center. kirklandwa.gov ONGOING EVENT Mardi Gras Story Time. Experience this holiday through stories, music and crafts.

10:30–11:30 a.m. FREE. Ages 6 and under with adult. Seattle Public Library, Broadview branch. spl.org

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Weekend Family Workshop. Airplane-themed workshop with make-andtake craft and a story. Saturday–Sunday, 10 a.m. and 1:30 p.m. Included with admission.

Future of Flight Aviation Center, Mukilteo. futureofflight.org Junie B. Jones the Musical. Experience everyone’s favorite first grader come to life on stage. Saturday–Sunday, Feb. 17–March 18. $12. Ages 5–12 with families; Sunday shows all ages. SecondStory Repertory, Redmond. secondstoryrep.org

Great Backyard Bird Count. Participate in important citizen science! Tally the birds you see in at least one 15-minute time span from anywhere in the world during Friday– Monday, Feb. 16–19. FREE; register online. gbbc.birdcount.org Octopus Week. Admire amazing octopi and learn loads about them with special activities and talks all week. Saturday–Sunday, Feb. 17–25. Included with admission.

Seattle Aquarium. seattleaquarium.org

Toytopia Exhibit. Play with the world’s largest Etch A Sketch, explore a life-size doll house, view vintage toys and more. Tuesday–Sunday, 10 a.m.–5 p.m. Feb. 16–June 10. Included with admission. Washington State History Museum, Tacoma. washingtonhistory.org Reading with Rover. Young readers gain confidence reading aloud to trained therapy dogs. First and third Tuesdays, 6:30–7:30 p.m. FREE. Ages 5–10 with adult. Half Price Books, Redmond. readingwithrover.org ONGOING EVENT

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A Palace Purim Carnival. Costume up for inflatables, games and food to celebrate the Jewish festival Purim. 11 a.ms.–2 p.m.

FREE; preregister; food for purchase. Stroum Jewish Community Center, Mercer Island. sjcc.org Mount Rainier Snowshoe Walk. Explore a snowy paradise on a guided 2-mile trek. Saturday–Sunday through March 25, 11 a.m. or 1:30 p.m. $5 suggested donation plus park admission; sign up in person. Ages 8 and up.

Jackson Visitor Center. nps.org/mora

Hoppy Hour. Bounce time for energetic kids to get the rainy day (or any day) wiggles out. Monday–Friday, 10 a.m.–12:30 p.m. $7–$12. Ages 1–8. Elevated Sportz Trampoline Park, Bothell. elevatedsportz.com ONGOING EVENT Juggling Club. Learn and practice juggling; all skill levels welcome. Mondays, 7–8 p.m.

FREE. Ages 5 and up. Top Ten Toys, Seattle. toptentoys.com ONGOING EVENT

Ballard Playspace. Neighborhood church opens its doors for families with tots to play indoors. Tuesday–Thursday, 10:30 a.m.–1:30 p.m. FREE. Ages 0–8 with adult.

Ballard Church, Seattle. ballardchurch.com ONGOING EVENT Play to Learn. Play and circle time for kids and caregivers. Tuesdays, 10–11:30 a.m.

FREE. Ages 6 and under with caregiver.

Charles Wright Academy and Puyallup Public Library (more weekly times online). playtacoma.org ONGOING EVENT

WEDNESDAY WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY

FRIDAY

SATURDAY

1

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Tacoma Resident Free Day at PDZA. City of Tacoma dwellers enjoy free admission to the zoo and aquarium. Feb. 1 and 22.

FREE with proper I.D. Point Defiance Zoo & Aquarium, Tacoma. pdza.org Late Play Date. Hurry and finish homework, then head to the museum for winter crafts and fun. 6–8 p.m. FREE. Ages 3–12 with families. White River Valley Museum, Auburn. wrvmuseum.org

Baby Jam. Hands-on, multilingual, parent-child music class for wee ones. Fridays, 10 or 11:15 a.m. $12. Ages 0–5 with caregiver. Balance Studio, Seattle. babyjam.net ONGOING EVENT Lewis Creek Story Time. Learn about the important role of evergreen trees and make a craft. 11 a.m. or 1:30 p.m. FREE; preregister. Ages 3–7 with adult. Lewis Creek Park Visitor Center, Bellevue. parksreg.bellevuewa.gov

Kidstock! Edmonds Center for the Arts welcomes families to its annual celebration of the arts, featuring local bands Recess Monkey and the Not-Its!, theater workshops and more. 9:30 a.m.–3:30 p.m. FREE; preregister.

Edmonds. edmondscenterforthearts.org St. Thomas School CampFair. Meet dozens of local camp providers, from soccer to equestrian to overnight adventure and more. 10 a.m.–2 p.m. FREE; preregister. St. Thomas School, Medina. parentmap.com/ campfair

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Northwest Flower and Garden Show. Peruse the amazing displays and garden-related wares while the kids do a treasure hunt.

Wednesday–Sunday, Feb. 7–11. $7–$24; ages 12 and under free. Washington State Convention Center, Seattle. gardenshow.com Play with Paint. Let the kids get messy with paint, away from your house. First and third Wednesdays, 2–3 p.m. Included with admission. Ages 0–12. KidsQuest Children’s Museum, Bellevue. kidsquestmuseum.org ONGOING EVENT

CulturalFest International Expo. Travel the globe in a day as University of Washington students from around the world showcase their cultures. 10:30 a.m.– 3 p.m. FREE. All ages. Husky Union Building, Seattle. fiuts.org Valentines Heart Hop. Music, games, treats and more for the preschool set. 10 a.m.–noon. $5. Ages 0–5 with adult. High Point Community Center, Seattle. seattle.gov/parks

Valentines Cards and Crafts. Drop-in and get crafty, all supplies provided. 5–7 p.m.

FREE. All ages. International District/Chinatown Community Center, Seattle. seattle.gov/parks Family Movie Night. Catch a family movie at one of two Tacoma locations. 7 p.m. at STAR Center or 7:30 p.m. at Portland Avenue Community Center. FREE. metroparkstacoma.org

ParentMap Bothell Preschool Preview.

Explore oodles of early learning options in your community. 10 a.m.–1 p.m. FREE; preregister. Cascadia College, Bothell. parentmap.com/preschoolpreview Lunar New Year Fair. Celebrate the Year of the Dog with a thrilling lion dance (11 a.m.) and more family fun. 11 a.m.–5 p.m.

Outdoor performance FREE; other activities included with museum admission. Wing Luke Museum, Seattle. wingluke.org

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Oly Old-Time Festival. Enjoy foot-stompin’ fiddle music and dancing, plus participate in free workshops. Thursday–Sunday, Feb. 15–18. Many events free; some with fee; ages 12 and under free. Multiple venues, Olympia. olyoldtime.weebly.com Evergreen Trees and Me. Join for learning stations and a trail walk. Feb. 15 or 17, 9:30–11:30 a.m. $19 per adult/child pair; preregister. Ages 2–5 with caregiver.

Washington Park Arboretum, Seattle. botanicgardens.uw.edu ONGOING EVENT

Facebook Live with Laura Kastner, Ph.D. Join ParentMap and the author of “Getting to Calm” titles for a live Q&A on cool-headed strategies for raising kids and strengthening family bonds. 11–11:30 a.m.

FREE. facebook.com/parentmap An Evergreen Evening. Bundle up and bring a flashlight for this ranger-led evening hike. 7–8 p.m. FREE; preregister. Lake Hills Greenbelt Ranger Station, Bellevue. parks.bellevuewa.gov

Kids ‘n’ Critters. Bring your crew to visit awesome Northwest Trek; up to four children (ages 12 and under) admitted free per paying adult. Saturday–Monday, Feb. 17–19.

Eatonville. nwtrek.org Story Time and Crafts. Listen to “Loon at Northwood Lake” and get crafty. Saturdays through March 24, 1:30–3:30 p.m. FREE; preregister. Cedar River Watershed Education Center, North Bend. seattle.gov/util/crwec ONGOING EVENT

Loads more family fun activities at parentmap.com/ calendar

Valentine’s Day Tot Gym. Sweet treats and crafts for tots on Valentine’s Day. 9:30 a.m.–12:30 p.m. FREE. Ages 5 and under.

Bitter Lake Community Center, Seattle. seattle.gov/parks Conservatory Story Hour. Sit among the lovely flowers for stories and a hands-on project. 11 a.m. Suggested donation $3.

Ages 3–8 with caregiver. W.W. Seymour Botanical Conservatory, Tacoma. seymourconservatory.org

21

22

23

24

Lil’ Diggers Playtime. This giant indoor sandbox is perfect for rainy day play.

Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, 9:30–11 a.m. or 11:30 a.m.–1 p.m. $7. Ages 5 and under with adult. Sandbox Sports, Seattle. sandboxsports.net ONGOING EVENT Animal Viewing at Kelsey Creek Farm.

Stop by Bellevue’s city-owned farm park to see pigs, ponies, sheep, chickens, rabbits and goats, play at the playground or wander the trails. Daily 9:30 a.m.–3:30 p.m.

FREE. Bellevue. farmerjayne.com

Everyday Black. Contemporary photography exhibit explores blackness in Seattle; leave time to explore the rest of the museum. Wednesday–Sunday through September. Included with admission.

Northwest African American Museum, Seattle. naamnw.org Introduction to Archery. Drop-in and learn to shoot an arrow. Thursdays, 6:30–8:30 p.m. $7. Ages 6 and up with adult.

Skookum Archers, Puyallup. skookumarchery.com ONGOING EVENT

Cheapskate. Old-school ice skating, cheap for you and free for your preschooler.

Monday, Wednesday, Friday, 9:30–11:30 a.m. $6.87; ages 5 and under free. Sprinker Recreation Center, Tacoma. sprinker.org ONGOING EVENT Family Skate Night. Dust off your longlost roller skating skills and let the kids give it a go. Fridays through March 30, 6:30–8:15 p.m. $4 includes skate rental. Bitter Lake Annex, Seattle. seattle.gov/parks ONGOING EVENT

ParentMap Seattle Camp Fair. Browse a huge array of summer camp options and ask questions of camp providers. 10 a.m.–1 p.m. FREE. Magnuson Park Hangar 30, Seattle. parentmap.com/campfair Spring Fling and Hilltop Health Fair.

This party celebrates family wellness with games, raffle prizes, music, dance and more. 1–5 p.m. FREE. People’s Community Center, Tacoma. metroparkstacoma.org

28 Theater for Young Children. Two classic folk tales from Japan brought to life. 11:15 a.m. FREE. Ages 2.5–10 with adult. Bitter Lake Community Center, Seattle. seattle.gov/parks Young Readers Society. Kids-only book club with pizza, no parents allowed! Check online for book selection. Last Wednesday of the month, 6–7 p.m. FREE. Ages 8–12.

Secret Garden Books, Seattle. secretgardenbooks.com

to a winter wonderland.

Enjoy gourmet cuisine, a luxurious spa and cozy accommodations nestled in the magestic Cascades.

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parentmap.com • February 2018 • 25

out + about

Spring Splurges and Steals

© LINDSAY THOMAS

continued from page 23

Swan Lake at McCaw Hall

•••

Figuring History

$ $ $ The “Figuring History: Robert

Colescott, Kerry James Marshall, Mickalene Thomas” exhibition brings together three notable American artists from different generations whose work redefines historic painting in a contemporary context. Intense and vibrant colors will grab kids’ attention, but understanding the themes and compelling perspectives on Black culture and representation on view will require some help from adults. Contains nudes. Feb. 15– May 13. $25, children younger than 12 free. Ages 10 and older. Seattle Art Museum, Seattle

•

How I Became a Pirate

$ The excellent Village Theatre company

brings affordable live theater to Puget Soundarea families by hosting renowned companies’ productions of family-friendly plays in its Pied Piper Public Season. Pied Piper productions are based on children’s literature and only last one hour. Feb. 25, noon and 2 p.m. All seats $15. Ages 5–10. Everett Civic Auditorium, Everett

26 • February 2018 • parentmap.com

MARCH

•

Into the Woods

$ When a baker and his wife learn they’ve been cursed by the witch next door, they embark on a quest for the special objects required to break the spell, and swindle, lie and steal from a variety of fairy tale characters to get those objects.

Despite the protagonists’ questionable ethics, this production is family-friendly and features youth performers ages 12–19. March 16–31. $17–$22.

Ages 9 and older. Studio East, Kirkland

•••

Return to the Forbidden Planet

$ $ $ It’s a movie, it’s a musical, it’s …

inspired by Shakespeare’s “The Tempest”?

CenterStage upends expectations once again in this all-ages sci-fi rock ’n’ roll musical stuffed with classics such as “Heard It Through the Grapevine” and “Good Vibrations.” Be part of the fun when the cast presents the greatest B movie ever made. March 16–31. $12–$29. Ages 6 and older.

CenterStage Theatre, Federal Way

•••

Snow White

$ $ $ With a short run time, live narration, lower price tickets and an audience full of youngsters, the annual performance of the Pacific Northwest Ballet School (PNB) is a perfect introduction to classical ballet for kids. This is not your average dance recital, though — many of these students have already performed in regular season productions on the PNB stage, and some will go on to dance professionally next year. March 18 and 24. $23–$60. All ages. McCaw Hall, Seattle

•••

Formosa

$ $ $ Tickets for this production are pricey,

but Cloud Gate Dance Theatre of Taiwan is renowned for transforming ancient traditions into stunning modern dance, and choreographer Lin Hwai-min is widely considered the most important choreographer in Asia. “Formosa” (“beautiful island”) describes the landscape and history of Taiwan using gesture, script, song and other elements. March 22–24. $52 and up. Ages 5 and older. Meany Center for the Performing Arts, Seattle

•••

Naked Mole Rat Gets Dressed (the Rock Experience)

$ $ $ If it was any other theater besides Seattle Children’s Theatre (SCT), I’d be circumspect about this world-premiere rock ’n’ roll extravaganza theater production about a Mo Willems picture-book character. But this SCT musical is sure to rock audiences of all ages as Wilbur, the mole rat with exceptional style, navigates the pressure to conform through tail-shaking tunes, empowering messages of individuality and classic Mo Willems humor. March 22–May 13. $18-$45. All ages. Seattle Children’s Theatre, Seattle

APRIL

•

Twelfth Night

$ As part of the Seattle Celebrates Shakespeare Festival, nearly 40 of

Seattle’s best arts organizations are joining in a months-long festival of Shakespeare and Shakespeare-themed performances this spring. Stone Soup’s Youth Conservatory is participating with an adaption of “Twelfth Night,” Shakespeare’s hilarious comedy of disguises and mismatched love triangles.

Got an 8- to 14-year-old budding thespian in the house? Auditions are Feb. 5.

April 5–7. $7.50. Ages 8 and older. Stone Soup Theatre, Seattle

•

The Brink: Demian DinéYazhi´

$ Too often, Native American stories are told through the eyes of White

people. This exhibition, funded by the Brink Award, displays the work of Demian DinéYazhi´, a young Diné (formerly referred to as Navajo) artist who works across disciplines and formats to give a contemporary voice to the Native American experience. April 14–Sept. 9. $10, kids and students free. Ages 5 and older. Henry Art Gallery, Seattle

José Guadalupe Posada and the Mexican Penny Press

•

$ José Guadalupe Posada was one of Mexico’s most influential printmakers and illustrators. Best known for his lively calaveras (skeletons), Posada produced materials that ranged from illustrations for children’s games to images for sensationalistic news publications. Posada’s prints shaped generations of Mexican artists, among them the muralists Diego Rivera and José Clemente Orozco. April 19–Aug. 5. Family admission $30+, free on First Fridays. All ages (unless your kid is afraid of skeletons). Bellevue Arts

Museum, Bellevue

>>

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28 • February 2018 • parentmap.com

1/16/18 7:46 PM

out + about

Spring Splurges and Steals continued from page 27

•••

The Wolves

Seattle

You’re a Good Man Charlie Brown

PHOTO COURTESY OF SEATTLE ART MUSEUM

$ $ $ As soccer parents well know, watching kids develop as individuals while learning to work together as a team is more interesting than the actual game.

Sarah DeLappe’s ensemble play about a suburban girls’ soccer team thrilled critics with its deft handling of the quirky flow of conversation among adolescent teammates whose personalities are still developing but definitely do not conform to teen-movie stereotypes.

April 20–May 13. $15-$110 (tickets go on sale in February). Teens (or mature tweens with an interest in soccer and/or theater). ACT – A

include FutureWave for teens and Face the Music. May 17–June 10. $12 single tickets. All ages. Multiple venues,

••• Figuring History at Seattle Art Museum

Contemporary Theatre, Seattle

•

Tetris

$ Inspired by the game Tetris, the extremely

physical Arch8 dance quartet, based in the Netherlands, explores how we connect with one another in this piece. The group advertises “Tetris” for “the kids who can’t sit still, for the ones who like to climb the walls, and for those who can imagine further than they can see!” April 21, 11 a.m. $10. All ages. Edmonds Center for the Arts,

Edmonds

MAY

•

Auntie Lena’s African Stories

$ With animal-character bunraku puppets, actress-singer-storyteller Val Thomas-Matson tells three stories of friendship and trickery from Africa: “Jackal’s Favorite Game,” “The Monkey’s Heart” and “Why Frog and Snake Never Play Together.” May 5–27. $10. All ages.

Multiple venues

$ $ $ This bonus postseason celebration of the all-musical company’s 40th year introduces Charles Schulz’s beloved “Peanuts” gang to a new generation in Clark Gesner’s classic musical. May 25–June 17. $20–$40.

All ages. Seattle Musical Theatre at Magnuson Park, Seattle

JUNE

•

Charlotte’s Web

$ It’s almost impossible to go wrong with E.B.

White’s beloved classic, “Charlotte’s Web,” in which a clever spider and a collection of barnyard friends save the life of a special pig. Both movies based on the book are delightful, and this live production from SecondStory’s Young Audiences series is likely to please as well. May 12–June 2. $12. Ages 5 and older (all-ages shows Sundays). SecondStory Repertory, Redmond

•

Seattle International Film Festival

$ With more than 400 films from 80 countries over 25 days, SIFF is the largest film festival in the United States. It’s almost too much to take in, but special themed collections make choosing easier. Its Films4Families series screens family-friendly matinees on weekends.

The movies for 2018 won’t be announced until much closer to the festival date, but you can count on an international Auntie Lena’s selection of animated and African Stories live-action shorts and feature-length films that are not your standard Disney fare. Other series with special appeal for families with older kids

•••

The Last Starfighter

$ $ $ The play is based on the 1980s sci-fi

teen-boy wish-fulfillment movie about Alex, who finds himself recruited as an ace starfighter pilot with the fate of the galaxy in his hands after he beats his favorite intergalactic video game. June 14–July 1. $24–$30. Ages 9 and older. SecondStory Repertory, Redmond

Double Exposure: Edward S. Curtis, Marianne Nicolson, Tracy Rector, Will Wilson

•

$ Whether you realize it or not, photographer Edward S. Curtis probably had a hand in shaping your ideas about Native Americans. His haunting portraits preserved images of a way of life on the brink of extinction, leaving an indelible mark on the American consciousness. Now, 150 years after his birth, this major exhibition of more than 180 works by Curtis also recognizes the criticisms of his work (photographs were often staged to promote stereotypes) and presents a counterpoint through works by indigenous artists Marianne Nicolson, Tracy Rector and Will Wilson. June 14– Sept. 9. $19.95, children younger than 12 free. All ages. Seattle Art Museum, Seattle n

Gemma Alexander is a Seattle-based freelance writer with two daughters. She blogs about books and travel, and spends too much time on Twitter (@gemmadeetweet). parentmap.com • February 2018 • 29

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The summer my older daughter turned 11, I realized that made her basically old enough for sleepaway camp. While part of me (the hovering part) wanted to grab her, hold her close and never let her go off on her own for one or two weeks (or, gasp, a month!), another part wanted to shove her on the bus and happily wave her off: Summer camp changed my life.

Right now, countless parents are weighing whether enabling their children to live away from home for sleepaway camp is valuable, doable or wise. What trouble will they get into away from parental supervision?

But as I consider when to send my two girls for their first overnight camp experience, I’d argue that camp teaches the kind of values and character development that parents most want for their kids. The time and space to explore boundaries, and learn to manage freedom smartly and safely, is priceless. Give your kid time away, and they will give it back down the road tenfold. It will help them become leaders, develop grit and character, learn empathy for others and tap into their dreams.

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CAMPS • ARTS • ACTIVITIES How to Handle Bedwetting at Overnight Camp

Sleepaway camp is a childhood ritual that every child should be able to enjoy. But for children who wet the bed, sleeping away from home can be a scary prospect.

Kids who suffer from this condition are often worried that other campers will discover their secret, or that camp staff won’t be supportive. But the truth is, most camps are wellprepared to help kids with this common issue and the staff are committed to making sure every child has a great experience.

Bedwetting beyond the average age of toilet training is called nocturnal enuresis.

Experts say that causes of bedwetting are multifactorial; scientists have even identified a gene associated with this condition.

According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, there are an estimated 5 million children in the U.S. who wet the bed. Indeed, some kids won’t be dry at night until they are into their teens. The good news is that with some planning and preparation, kids who wet the bed can enjoy sleepaway camp just like their peers.

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fter the birth of each of my three kids, I looked forward to the normal milestones: coming home from the hospital, the first family stroll around the neighborhood, early coos and grins.

Not quite as appealing: sex with my partner. That’s because, after hours of labor, the otherworldly intensity of pushing out a human and a few postpartum stitches, my privates weren’t exactly ready for action. Even after a month or two of healing, I was afraid sex would hurt, and it did.

Women everywhere share my pain. Doctors call it female sexual dysfunction (FSD), a broad term that encompasses painful sex, low arousal and difficulty achieving orgasm, and it happens to 40 percent of women in the U.S. and around the world.

It’s not limited only to moms who’ve given birth vaginally, explains Dr. Julie LaCombe, urogynecology

specialist with Overlake Medical Center Pelvic Health Clinic. Women who have never given birth and those who have cesarean births can experience the same symptoms.

While vaginal childbirth is a risk factor for sexual dysfunction, things such as smoking, menopause and chronic constipation can also increase your chances, along with high-impact sports, such as distance running and past sexual trauma or abuse.

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Painful sex doesn’t hurt just between the sheets. New research links painful sex to problems with physical and mental health, including depression and relationship issues. Women who experience pain during sex often also have related problems, such as urine leaks, which can wreak havoc on their fitness pursuits (goodbye, running and step aerobics!) and their self-esteem, says Sagira Vora, MPT, a physical therapist with Overlake specializing in women’s pelvic health.

Still, research tells us that the vast majority of women don’t seek help. And even when women do mention painful sex to their doctors, they’re often told to simply accept these issues as the natural effects of childbirth or aging, says LaCombe. “I get frustrated with the message that women need to just expect this to happen, and that it’s normal, because it’s not.”

vagina, but the vagina may not be the source of pain during sex, says LaCombe. Problems with any of the pelvic organs, including the bladder, rectum and colon or the pelvic joints, can create pain during intercourse.

Bowel problems, such as constipation, are a less appreciated source of sexual discomfort; a clogged colon crowds other pelvic organs, such as the bladder and vagina and can make sex hurt — a lot. “We see women who can’t have intercourse because of this; it’s just too painful,” LaCombe says.

Low estrogen, common in breastfeeding mothers and menopausal women, can also increase sexual discomfort by thinning and drying vaginal tissues, LaCombe says. She often recommends a cream containing a small dose of estrogen, which boosts hormone levels just enough to improve symptoms without having an impact on breastfeeding.

“ Painful postpartum sex is almost completely curable.”

Behind the ouch So what is normal? While some down-under tenderness is typical after labor and birth, the vagina and perineum should heal by six to eight weeks after giving birth, and sex shouldn’t be painful, LaCombe says. But for new moms, and women in general, a number of underlying health issues can make sex hurt.

It’s easy to assume that painful sex signals a problem with the

Multimodal therapy Tension in the pelvic floor muscles, which act as a so-called “hammock” supporting the pelvic organs, is another common source of pain, says Vora. Over a course of six to eight sessions of pelvic-floor physical therapy, she helps women identify and relax these muscles, which can spasm painfully when they’re too tight, leading to pain during sex.

And you may want to question those Kegel exercises: The wellknown vaginal contractions are recommended for women with weak pelvic floor muscles, but not for those with too much tension. 0218_chop_shop_1-16.indd 1 1/4/18 For those women, Kegels can worsen their sexual pain, says Vora.

Pelvic organ prolapse, or POP, can cause painful intercourse when pelvic organs, often the JERIEL CALAMAYAN bladder, drop out of place and strain the vagina. About half of Connecting parents to build a loving women will experience some community of families of color degree of POP during their JOIN our FOCS Parent Groups, lifetime, says Sherrie Palm, monthly events and resource sharing founder and executive director of Register and Info at focseattle.com the Association for Pelvic Organ Prolapse Support. Childbirth is the leading cause of POP, but women aren’t screened for prolapse during postpartum checkups, so most don’t know they have a problem until unpleasant symptoms, such as incontinence, pelvic aches and painful sex, show up.

The bottom line: Don’t wait to get Monthly magazine help when sex hurts, says LaCombe. delivered to your door Even one episode of sexual pain parentmap.com/subscribe can create fear and tension, leading to more pain and more resistance.

12 monthly issues — only $12 (She sometimes refers women to an Overlake therapist to talk through emotional issues that can contribute to sexual pain.)

There’s good news, though.

Painful postpartum sex is almost completely curable, says Vora.

“Almost always, it’s an injury to the pelvic floor, and just like any other sprain or strain, it heals. You just have to give it time.” n

9:20 PM

Take a break from your screen!

Malia Jacobson is a Tacoma-based freelance writer specializing in health topics.

,cause parenting is a trip!

parentmap.com • February 2018 • 37

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S C H O O L S

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P R E S C H O O L S

2018

Discover the French American School of Puget Sound Excellence Today, the World Tomorrow …

PRESCHOOL Previews SAT, FEB 10 10 am – 1 pm

Cascadia College, Bothell

FREE EVENT!

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Now accepting applications for the 2018-2019 school year • Individualized Curriculum, tailored to meet the needs of each child • World Languages • Arts, Drama, Music • Science and Technology • Physical Education • Values Through Character Education • School Houses and Clubs • Global Community Awareness

Kindergarten - Fifth Grade

Elementary OPEN HOUSE

February 1, 9:30 am – 11:00 am

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While journeying towards academic excellence, we are committed to developing ethical, creative and compassionate children.

Park Highland Campus Preprimary OPEN HOUSE

February 3, 10:00 am – 12:00 pm 308 118th Ave SE Bellevue 30 months – 5 years

Now accepting applications

Please visit our website: www.cedarcrestacademy.org to find out more about Cedar Crest Academy and to schedule a tour.

40 • February 2018 • parentmap.com 0218_cedar_crest_1-2h.indd 1

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ages + stages

3–18

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Your Kid Will Be Happier If You Let Them Fail Embrace the failure — it’s good for you

By Nancy Schatz Alton

hen our kids fail, it can feel like it’s our fault — that we as parents did something wrong. But when we ignore the cultural connotations of “failure” and examine what it actually means, that alters how we see our kids and ourselves.

“Failure is just when something doesn’t work out, either due to lack of effort or things just not going your way,” says Meghan Leahy, a certified parent coach, “Washington Post” columnist and mother of three daughters.

Of course, watching our kids struggle invokes our own vulnerabilities. That’s why Leahy suggests a shift in how we talk about failure from the get-go.

“If parents can think of themselves as failure facilitators, they can welcome the inevitable,” she says. “Failure plus the loving support of someone who deeply knows you and has your back leads to growth and resilience.”

Preschool (ages 3–5) Being a preschooler is all about failure, says Leahy.

Preschoolers fail at everything, from not sharing their toys to being unable to climb the rock wall at recess.

“Our job is to dance between allowing them to fail and making things work when we can,” says Leahy.

But that doesn’t mean making kids sit by themselves after they’ve made a mistake. Take, for example, when your child fails to control their temper and hits another kid.

“When a kid runs up and says, ‘Sarah hit me,’ [the adult] shouldn’t take over. [Instead the adult] should ask, ‘Did you say something to Sarah?

How did you handle it?’ and give the kids an EDITOR’S NOTE: Join ParentMap on a year-long conversation to explore how families and Raising schools can nurture empathy, mindfulness and kindness. parentmap.com/raisingkind

q KIND

opportunity to stand up for themselves,” says Jessica Lahey, an educator and author of “The Gift of Failure.”

You want your child to be able to look another in the eye, address what they did wrong and solve their own issues, says Lahey. “[As parents] we want our kids to deal with failure when it happens. Yes, get disappointed and frustrated, but accept the fact that a mistake was made, regroup and figure out how to move forward. Parenting [around failure] is about asking, ‘What are you going to do next time?’”

For preschoolers, it’s particularly important to balance any reprimand related to failure with a reminder that you may be disappointed but you still love them.

“Failure plus shame equals kids shutting down and not trying new things,” says Leahy. “Try: ‘This hitting your baby brother isn’t working, but I still love you and you’re still my little boy.’”

Elementary (ages 6–10) In her 2007 book “Mindset,” psychologist Carol S. Dweck introduced research that showed students who believe their intelligence can be developed (a growth mindset) outperform students who believe

“ Failure plus shame equals kids shutting down and not trying new things.” their intelligence is fixed (a fixed mindset).

It may seem like an adult concept, but the thirdgraders in teacher Abby Mansfield’s class totally get growth v. fixed mindsets.

“This year, we made a poster for our door that says, ‘When I get stuck I will… ’ with all of their answers. We refer to it all the time,” says Mansfield, who teaches at St. John Catholic School in North Seattle. She’s also incorporated “my favorite mistake” into math lessons. When her students solve problems on their whiteboards and she spots a mistake, she gets really excited. >> parentmap.com • February 2018 • 41

S C H O O L S

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P R E S C H O O L S North Seattle College Cooperative Preschools

Play based early education for kids aged 1-5

• Enrollment begins March 1 • Open House February 10, 10am-12pm Tours throughout February, contact info@capitolhillcoop.org to schedule. capitolhillcoop.org

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Community and education for your child and you!

High School-Toddler, in Bothell

Open Registration on March 3 northseattlecoops.org

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Programs for children Birth to 5 years

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The Sammamish Montessori School

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42 • February 2018 • parentmap.com

Conley Law-Rudge, age 7, and other kids rule the road at a Seattle Play Street event

PAGE 23

Hot video games, retro robot racers and more

2/21/17 8:38 AM

ages + stages Let Them Fail continued from page 41 “I say, ‘Yes! You made one of my favorite mistakes. See if you can find it and tell me why it’s one of my favorites,’” says Mansfield. The point is to make failure feel less bad and thus encourage a growth mindset among her students.

The alternative — make kids feels bad when they mess up — often leads to them feeling that their intelligence is fixed so why even try?

Mansfield encourages parents to change their language around failure to eliminate the fear of failing and refocus on learning. For example, when your child says they aren’t good at math, add the word “yet,” as in “I’m not good at math yet.” Instead of praising grades, praise the strategy and effort behind the grades, even if the grades aren’t good: “Great effort. You must have worked really hard.”

Of course, failure at this age also involves plenty of social hurts, from failed friendships to feeling left out. Don’t expect your kid to have all the answers. If your child is shutting down, it’s your job to step in and say that’s enough, says Leahy.

“If a friendship is fraught and the playdates are a disaster, you can cancel them,” says Leahy. “If the failure [of the friendship] is acute and hurting, take something away and load them up with your love.”

Tweens (ages 11–13) By middle school, your child’s failures will likely take on higher stakes, from friendship fractures and social media mishaps to getting caught drinking or smoking pot. To help turn those failures into teachable moments, build your child’s autonomy in middle school, says Lahey. It pays off.

Nudge your child to take the lead instead of fixing problems for them, she adds. For example, if your child is having a problem in class, have your kid talk to their teacher (after you’ve let the teacher know your child needs to talk to them but is nervous. Then the teacher is aware a conversation is needed and will likely set up a lowstress situation to make it happen).

Helping grow your kid’s skills for self-advocacy helps them recover from a failure. It also helps them be less frustrated when things don’t go their way. Work by psychologist and researcher Wendy Grolnick shows that kids who have directive parents are less able to finish frustrating tasks

“ Sometimes the hero is the parent who doesn’t come to the rescue.”

when their parents aren’t around — bad news for an adult child who didn’t have the opportunity to fail when the stakes were low.

Sharing our own failures really helps, too, says Lahey. Tell them how it’s hard for you to receive negative feedback, and that it happened at work today and here’s what you did about it and how you felt. Showing your children that you fail, too, reminds them that you don’t expect perfection and, importantly, do accept them for who they are.

“It’s important that we love the child we have and not the child we wish we had, [and] that love isn’t based on a child’s performance,” says Lahey.

Teens (ages 14–18) Teens are known for the eleventh-hour, 10 p.m. cry for help with the (unwritten) essay or forgotten homework assignment, says psychologist Laura Kastner. But sometimes, she says, the hero is the parent who doesn’t come to the rescue.

“Parents need to be resilient, too,” she says. “[We need to let] kids experience getting an F instead of saving them, so next time they’ll figure out a different way of approaching a paper or test.”

Kastner hears from parents who worry that if they let their kids fail a test, their children won’t get into college. But she believes it’s better for the kid to fail now rather than have no experience at solving problems for themselves when they’re actually in college.

“Struggle is how we learn,” says Kastner,

co-author of the ParentMap-published book “Getting to Calm.” “I know it’s hard, but it’s a parent’s job to let the child feel their own feelings so they can learn.”

It’s natural that we’d become anxious when they do, but rescuing them to relieve both them and ourselves just isn’t worth it. Instead, “Say, ‘I love you and believe in you,’ then let them handle it themselves, with some emotional support from you. When they have a little victory and tell you about it, celebrate with them,” says Kastner.

Lahey experienced a related struggle with her younger son, who, at age 9, kept forgetting his homework. The day she didn’t bring it to him, a teacher told him he needed to create his own reminder strategy. “He came up with a checklist on the fridge,” Lahey recalls. “I tried suggesting ways for him to [jog his memory] long before this, but he needed [to create] his own strategy.” Now 14, he’s still making checklists.

Parenting, Lahey adds, isn’t about the small, everyday emergencies. “It’s about this long-haul vision of who you want your kid to be when they leave your home,” she says. Wrap your mind around that and you’re well on your way to letting them fail in small but important ways. n Nancy Schatz Alton is a Seattle-based freelance writer, editor and creative writing teacher. She blogs about poetry, parenting and unanswerable questions at withinthewords.com. parentmap.com • February 2018 • 43

S C H O O L S

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P R E S C H O O L S 3 Things Your Childâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Day-Care Teacher Wished You Knew

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Being a day-care teacher was one of the most rewarding jobs Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve ever had and also one of the toughest. No two days were ever the same and I had to handle a lot of different, and sometimes difficult, situations. It might surprise parents to learn that theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re key to helping us be better teachers. Here are some things we wish you knew.

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During the day, we shift between various roles in our classrooms. We are the mediators when there is an issue between children. We are the waitresses in setting up and serving lunch. We are the janitors in keeping our classrooms clean, and the nurses in making accidental scrapes and cuts feel better. We are also the parental figure when your child is sick or just misses you.

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parentmap.com • February 2018 • 45

someone you should know

Dominique Davis

How a former drug dealer helps Seattle youth find a new path

By Emily E. Smith of my office. Within a three-block radius, three kids had been shot within seven days. It was heartbreaking and irritating because I knew some of these kids. I said, “This is ridiculous, I’ve got to do something else.”

PHOTOGRAPH COURTESY OF DOMINIQUE DAVIS

What impact have you seen this program have on participants?

D

ominique Davis left drug dealing behind and reinvented himself as a football coach. But when he saw young athletes dropping out of school because of drugs and gangs, he couldn’t stand by and watch.

The coach devoted himself to opening doors for kids, creating opportunities that can lead them along healthier paths.

He cofounded King County’s 180 Program, a diversion program that helps keep young people accused of low-level offenses out of the criminal justice system. He served as the program’s co-director for more than five years.

Then, a rash of violence in Seattle set him on a new course. He decided young people involved in more serious cases needed his attention.

He launched a new nonprofit, Community Passageways, at the start of 2017. Community Passageways connects at-risk, gang-involved and incarcerated youth to resources and opportunities to help lead them out of the criminal justice system.

Davis says that in a year’s time the program has helped young people avoid nearly 20 felony charges. It’s also helped countless other kids begin to address the trauma they’ve faced and linked some of them to internships and jobs that will create lasting change in their lives.

46 • February 2018 • parentmap.com

How did you become involved with the 180 Program?

I’ve been out here in these streets my whole life. I got involved with this kind of work because I’d been coaching sports for over 26 years, and a lot of the young people in my athletic programs would get into high school and start dropping out and start going down the same path that I went down. [I wanted] to help these kids not fall down the same paths that I did.

It comes down to this: You can open up every door you possibly can for a kid, but if the kid isn’t emotionally ready and doesn’t have any trust in you and your process, the kid isn’t going to be very successful. You can’t just throw them into a job. What we’re able to do — dealing with a lot of the trauma, doing a lot of life-skills training — we’re showing the kids how powerful they are, how smart they are. Their confidence is being built. When they walk out of a college working with a bunch of law school students, they think, “Wow, I can go to college.”

We’ve gotten kids through high school who were a year and a half behind. We’ve got kids in college right now, in internships, who were gangbanging and stealing and robbing.

“ [I wanted] to help these kids not fall down the same paths that I did.”

What made you want to start Community Passageways?

About three summers ago we had the worst summer in King County. The shootings had escalated to what I’d seen in the late ’80s [and] early ’90s. So many of the kids I knew were getting murdered and murdering people, while I was dealing with people getting arrested for stealing from Safeway and Macy’s. I was running a program that wasn’t addressing any of these issues.

It came to me in the middle of the night. I was so stressed about a seven-day span, right outside

What motivated your own 180-degree turnaround? How did you do it?

Me changing my life is nothing short of a miracle. I wasn’t just a dude on the street corner. I was doing the big stuff; that’s what kept me in the streets so long. One of the things that really hit me is when I realized it don’t matter how much money I make. I started listening to Black history, becoming more conscious of [that], I started really tapping into my power. I started to realize I’m better than this, I’m smarter than this, I don’t have to be a drug dealer; why am I doing this? It was just waking up and going through a process. n Emily E. Smith is a journalist based in Montana.

S C H O O L S

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P R E S C H O O L S

MONTESSORI SCHOOL OF SEATTLE

Fostering a Child’s Love of Learning Educating Children 2.5 - 6 years since 1979 720 18th Ave. East - 206·325·0497 Montessorischoolofseattle.com

• Child-centered learning in a warm Jewish environment - all are welcome.

• Classes for children from birth through Pre-K. • Flexible schedules to meet your family’s needs.

For more information, visit www.jrmpreschool.org or contact Shannon Solomon, Early Childhood Education Director, at 425.559.2571 or ssolomon@tdhs-nw.org.

NEW FULL-TIME OPTIONS

INFANT & TODDLER CARE NOW AVALIBLE parentmap.com • February 2018 • 47

2018

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