ParentMap Magazine February 2021

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Your February Play List 15 rain-or-shine ways to frolic during the month of love

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Screen Resolutions Realistic screen-time strategies for the new year

F E B R U A R Y 2 0 2 1 | PA R E N T M A P. C O M

PNW INSIDE + OUT

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Love Rules Turn partnership woes into wins, even during a pandemic 10/

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C ONTENTS

February

2021

PARENTMAP.COM In Every Issue Dear Reader Play List Parent Day Jobs

4 18 31

Local Resources Camps: Arts + Activities 13 Schools + Preschools 22

Parenting

Feature

IT STARTS WITH YOU(TH)

Relationship Rehab 10 Turn partnership woes into wins, even during a pandemic

Meet Logan Spoonemore 6 Local youth launches free tutoring service for students during school closures WELLNESS

8

Bearing Bad News Empowering expert tips for helping your child cope with scary news SUMMER CAMPS

Safety First 20 What a veteran camp director wants you to know about summer camps in 2021

10 27

Family Fun

25

Your Februay Play List 18 15 rain-or-shine ways to frolic during the month of love Make the Year of the Ox Rock!

23 Fun ways to celebrate the Lunar New Year at home

Our go-to screen-time expert shares five sensible resolutions to “stop fighting, find balance.”

AGES + STAGES

Screen Resolutions 27 Realistic screen-time strategies you can actually achieve in 2021 PARENT DAY JOBS

Meet Helen Lee Bouygues This media literacy researcher shares tips for combating fake news

18

23

31

“To nudge yourself toward a more positive outlook, let go of self-imposed, unrealistic expectations.”

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From traditional eats and treats to crafts and virtual celebrations, it’s time to kick off the Year of the Ox!

p. 10 23

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DE AR R E ADER

Standing up in challenging times The Greater Seattle community was saddened by the recent news that revered community leader Dr. Ben Danielson resigned in protest from his position as senior medical director of the Odessa Brown Children’s Clinic, citing as his reason what he characterizes as patterns of racism at Seattle Children’s Hospital. This news hit us particularly hard at ParentMap because Ben is a longtime advisor and friend of ours. As our city’s most trusted pediatrician and unparalleled champion of its most marginalized children, his expertise and deep humanity have touched, transformed and saved countless lives. We were gratified to hear that he will continue to teach as a clinical professor at the UW School of Medicine and will take his medical practice to UW Medicine.

While his resignation is heartbreaking on so many levels for the community, Ben’s decision calls to mind the words of another great doctor and leader, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., who once said, “The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.” In these unbearably challenging times and in light of what was at stake for him personally and professionally, he inspires us all to take a similar measure of ourselves.

PUBLISHER

Alayne Sulkin EDITORIAL MANAGING EDITOR Patty Lindley OUT + ABOUT EDITOR Nancy Chaney DIGITAL CONTENT EDITOR Vicky McDonald

By telling my family all the ways I love them at a count equal to their age!

DIGITAL CONTENT PRODUCTION COORDINATOR Nicole Persun OUT + ABOUT EDITORIAL ASSISTANT Devon Hammer COPY EDITOR Sunny Parsons CONTRIBUTORS Gemma Alexander, Emily Cherkin, Darlena Cunha, Heidi Lynn Borst, Devon Hammer

We’ll snuggle up with the crew and watch a family movie.

DIGITAL MARKETING DIGITAL MARKETING MANAGER Lindsey Carter SOCIAL MEDIA SPECIALIST + TRENDING EDITOR Diana Cherry EMAIL PRODUCTION SPECIALIST Angelica Lai DIGITAL MARKETING COORDINATOR Taryn Weiner

Hiking + sushi!

ADVERTISING SALES + PARTNERSHIPS SENIOR ADVERTISING AND PARTNERSHIPS MANAGER Ida Wicklund ADVERTISING PARTNERSHIPS MANAGER Jen Dine ADVERTISING CLIENT SERVICES MANAGER Jessica Collet ADVERTISING CLIENT SERVICES ASSISTANT Angela Goodwin

We write little “poems” on heart-shaped paper with clues to small gifts.

CLIENT SERVICES PRODUCTION COORDINATOR Mallory Dehbod

Photo by Will Austin

In the coming year, we as individuals and as citizens working within our communities, organizations, businesses and institutions will continue to grapple with how to do more than just tolerate one another. We need to show up, learn how to work together and celebrate differences in order to advance our ideals of equality. Everyone must take a stand to call out racism — whenever and wherever it is found — to spur culture-changing moments and movements toward crucial education, relationship repair and love.

We hope you will show up Feb. 24 for ParentMap’s premier antiracism education event of 2021, Who We Are: A Chronicle of Racism, (p. 32) a powerful talk by ACLU activist and founder of the Who We Are Project Jeffery Robinson. His knowledge and insights are profound, and his passion for change is contagious.

Love is only possible when you show up.

FEBRUARY 2021, VOL. 18, NO. 2

How are you planning to celebrate Valentine’s Day this year?

EVENTS EVENT OPERATIONS Brenna McCown

ART + PRODUCTION SENIOR DESIGNER Amy Chinn

Heart-shaped pizza!

ADMINISTRATION BUSINESS MANAGER Carolyn Brendel

PARENTMAP EDITORIAL ADVISORY BOARD

CONTACT INFORMATION

Benjamin Danielson, M.D. CLINICAL PROFESSOR, UW SCHOOL OF MEDICINE PRACTICING PHYSICIAN, UW MEDICINE

Advertising information 206-709-9026 or advertising@parentmap.com Fax 206-709-9031

Joan Duffell RETIRED EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, COMMITTEE FOR CHILDREN

Calendar submissions calendar@parentmap.com

John Gottman, Ph.D. THE GOTTMAN INSTITUTE PROFESSOR EMERITUS, UNIVERSITY OF WASHINGTON Laura Kastner, Ph.D. PSYCHIATRY + BEHAVIORAL SCIENCES, UNIVERSITY OF WASHINGTON Bea Kelleigh VICE PRESIDENT AT DOVETAILING, LLC Yaffa Maritz, M.A. LISTENING MOTHERS + COMMUNITY OF MINDFUL PARENTING

Editorial submissions editor@parentmap.com Distribution distribution@parentmap.com Subscriptions subscriptions@parentmap.com Administration 206-709-9026, parentmap.com Subscription rates 1 year: $12

Ron Rabin THE KIRLIN FOUNDATION Daniel J. Siegel, M.D. EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, MINDSIGHT INSTITUTE ParentMap is published monthly. PMB #190, 7683 S.E. 27th St., Mercer Island, WA 98040 | All rights reserved; reproduction in whole or part without permission is prohibited. © ParentMap 2021 • printed in Oregon

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YOU’RE ALWAYS

LOOKING OUT FOR THEM

WE DO THE SAME FOR YOU

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Keeping kids on track with their health and immunizations is important.

We’re ready to partner with you.

Schedule a virtual or in-person visit and keep them healthy.

Visit www.PacMed.org

Confront the Past, Create the Future: Learning from the Holocaust Holocaust education is history, literature, social studies, ethics, art and so much more.

“Every public middle school, junior high school, and high school is strongly encouraged to include in its curriculum instruction on the Holocaust.“ — Washington State Holocaust Education Bill, passed April 2019

The Holocaust Center for Humanity provides free of charge:

ü Best Practices – User-friendly online

platform with literature guides, lesson outlines, videos and interactive activities

ü Virtual Speakers Bureau – Survivors and their descendants share their family experiences

ü Virtual Field Trip Experience – Bring the museum to your students

ü Professional Development – Offered online throughout the year, clock hours available

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9/30/20 4:47 PM

It Starts With You(th)

Meet Logan Spoonemore This Seattle-area high school student launched a free virtual tutoring service during the coronavirus pandemic

By Patty Lindley

Of the countless uncertainties, stressors and “You must be kidding me!” disruptions of the pandemic, many parents and teachers would undoubtedly rank as perhaps most challenging the struggles related to providing quality distance learning for their students. Early on in the wake of school closures, Logan Spoonemore, now a senior at The Northwest School, was doing her daily reading of The New York Times and saw an article about how disproportionately the pandemic was straining some parents, specifically parents working in frontline jobs, in their ability to support their children’s remote schooling.

Acknowledging her relative privilege attending a private school with abundant resources, Spoonemore decided to do something about it. She marched up to her room, and after a productive span of about two weeks in April 2020, Students Helping Students Seattle (studentshelpingstudentsseattle.com), her brainchild concept of a free volunteer-led service that pairs high school tutors with younger kids who need help with their distance learning, was born.

ParentMap got the chance to catch up with Spoonemore to learn more about the program and what’s next on her enterprising agenda.

What motivated you to start Students Helping Students Seattle?

At the onset of distance learning last year, I noticed personally the struggles of

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unteer tutors so that when the requests came in, I wasn’t denying anyone access or I wouldn’t have enough tutors. So, I sent out an email to the principal of my school and then to other public and private school principals in the Seattle area asking if I could get a student coordinator, explaining the role and seeing if they’d be willing to support it. The response I got was amazing.

How many volunteer coordinators and tutors do you have now?

I have eight student coordinators, 350 tutors, and I believe that the volunteers come from 38 different schools.

online learning and I recognized I’m very privileged to attend this private school where I have extra support from teachers.

Throughout that whole process, I couldn’t help but imagine how difficult it must be for younger students and their parents.

So, I presented the idea to my dad. At first he said, “That’s pretty impossible. There’s no way that would work.” But I went up to my room and I found this website-making software, and I put it all together. My dad was very surprised.

From there, how did you seek additional support to launch the program successfully?

I wanted to make sure I had enough vol-

The student coordinators definitely help by bringing in the tutors, and if I have a special request come in — say it’s someone who wants to learn Mandarin — I can text and get into contact with the coordinators to see if they can find anyone.

Do you have a succession plan in mind for when you move on to college?

I actually have a younger sister who is going to be in ninth grade next year. She’s one of the smartest people I know, so I think I’m going to spend some time before I leave teaching her. She’s very involved in lots of activism and programs, and she is very excited about potentially taking over the program.

When you reflect on what you’ve accomplished, what has surprised you most?

When I first started, I thought the only need I would be fulfilling is for having people get academic assistance, but as

I’ve gone through it, I’ve noticed how helpful it is for younger students to have a friend and be able to form community within this program. But, honestly, what surprised me the most is how many volunteers we got! I was not expecting this many people to be this kind and offer their time — they’re honestly heroes.

I’m very proud of each and every volunteer who signed up, because it’s a time commitment.

VIRTUAL SCHOOL PROGRAMS

What are the most common tutoring requests you’ve received?

I would say it’s a pretty broad range, but definitely the most common request is math, for sure. Elementary and middle school math.

Do you have any reflections on how you think education might actually change for the better as a result of some of the pandemic adaptations we’ve all had to make?

We’re all going through this, kids are all going through this, each in their own way, experiencing some form of struggle with online learning. I do see how it builds a sense of community, and, also, I think it allows teachers to understand the importance of in-person learning. I feel we took that for granted. But I think it’s also sparked a lot of creativity. One of my friends who is a volunteer tutor teaches a first-grader in math and they did a virtual baking activity together to learn measurements. People are coming up with new ideas and getting creative to help students learn online.

Do you have a vision for your future?

I will be attending Pomona College. I think I’m going to do the PPE program, so it involves politics, philosophy and economics. I have a pretty big dream: I want to reinvent business. I think there are lots of issues with business, particularly [with respect to] its effects on the environment and women. My goal is to reimagine the whole system. That’s why I really wanted to go to a liberal arts school, because I want to learn how to think like that. I want to figure out a way that business can help society instead of degrade it.

■

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PA R E N T M A P / F E B R U A R Y 2 0 2 1 / 7

Wellness Bearing Bad News Empowering expert tips for helping your child cope with scary news

By Gemma Alexander Our top priority as parents is to keep our kids safe and feeling secure. But it’s not easy to steer kids away from scary stories about the pandemic, the presidential election, racial injustice and civil unrest. So, how do you help your child navigate news that can be overwhelming even for grownups? Fortunately, it’s not as daunting as you might think.

Talk about it With social media, kids are bombarded with more headlines at younger ages than ever.

Even if your child doesn’t have a smartphone, their classmates are talking about what they’ve heard at home, just as your own child is hearing your adult conversations about major events that may affect your own family’s daily life. Instead of leaving them to figure things out on their own, take the opportunity to frame the subject yourself.

When you talk about scary news stories, there are three things to remember: 1. Be calm.

2. Be positive.

3. Be empowering.

Be calm It’s hard to be calm when you yourself are shocked, scared or outraged. But when you explain things to your kids, it’s important to be matter of fact. The specific event may be unprecedented, but bad news itself is a fact of life.

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“It goes against our natural instinct, but it helps develop resilience if we are able in the moment to really accept and acknowledge what’s going on,” says Mehri Moore, M.D., founder and chief medical officer of THIRA Health (thirahealth.com), a treatment center created exclusively for women and girls who struggle with anxiety, depression and eating disorders.

It’s also helpful to remind yourself and your child that some problems are not yours to fix. “You just have to survive them. We have to continue focusing on our survival or our ability to tolerate these adversities,” says Moore.

Be positive While honesty about hard truths is the best policy, there is no need to dwell on negativity. “Refocus the kids from violence and unnecessary images to the things that are positive. You don’t have to deny what is going on, but emphasize the things that are actually positive,” says Moore.

This approach is about more than distraction. “In the process of emphasizing the positive, you also employ a strategy to regulate your emotions,” says Moore. And your children will learn to copy this calming, refocusing approach from you.

It is possible to be honest with your children while remaining positive by moving the narrative from the horrific to the heroic. For example, when you talk about the pandemic, you can acknowledge the danger, but also emphasize the efforts of the thousands of people who are working to heal the sick and to develop and distribute a vaccine.

Empower “When you feel helpless, it’s easy to give in and feel like you are a victim,” says Moore.

So, although it’s valuable to absolve our kids from feeling as though they have to solve problems outside their control, we also need to help them feel that they can make a difference.

For younger kids, that comes from the stories of adults’ heroic actions and positive outcomes. For adolescents who are already online and getting their own information, as well as some support from a community of their peers, the parents’ role involves more listening. Ask, “How are you coping with this? What do you think about this? What would you do if you were in that situation?”

“In essence, you are really helping them to feel, in a proximal way, empowered to do something good to help other people. In the long run, [this intervention] helps them in a time of stress or adversity by having the ability to visualize a different mode rather than a feeling of helplessness,” says Moore.

Adapt and move on The multiple stressors of current events present an opportunity for us as parents to help our kids grow into resilient and adaptable adults. We can teach our kids that by exercising control in situations where they have it — for example, by wearing masks during a pandemic — they are not victims of circumstance. And we can help them build habits of positive behavior, such as stepping away from the screens when they’ve had enough. For parents and kids alike, eating right, playing games, spending time outdoors engaging in healthy activities, and building relationships with friends and family, even when it has to be at a physical distance, are all strategies to make the endless cycle of bad news more manageable.

For many children, the source of anxiety is not the headline itself, but the behavior and actions of adults around them. Children become anxious when adults are panic-stricken and out of control.

“It is really important to care for yourself, not only regulating your emotions but also in a physical and spiritual sense. Focus on things in your life that are meaningful and purposeful and that are hopeful, to be able to communicate to your kids that sense of hopefulness,” says Moore.

And if you find that anxiety is blocking positivity for you or for your child, or that isn’t going away after a few days or that it is interfering with your ability to function, do not be afraid to seek help. Start with your primary care provider or your pediatrician for specific methods to manage anxiety or to get a referral to a specialist. Getting help when your family needs it is a powerful strategy for overcoming headline anxiety.

■

Seattle-based freelance writer Gemma Alexander focuses on the intersection of parenting and the arts.

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FE ATUR E

Relationship Rehab Turn partnership woes into wins, even during a pandemic

By Heidi Lynn Borst

Stress takes a toll on even the

we’re all juggling a lot. While

healthiest of relationships, and,

it’s impossible to insulate our

courtesy of COVID-19, most

partnerships from pandem-

of us find ourselves under

ic stressors, we can control

constant pressure. Whether

damage to our relationships by

we’re worried about financial

making sure we’re calm before

problems, missing our friends

interacting with our significant

and extended family members,

other and by remembering

fumbling to help our kiddos

to give ourselves (and our

focus on distance learning or

partner) some grace. Whether

simply struggling to get through

you’re facing new challenges

the day without breaking,

in your partnership and

PA R E N T M A P / F E B R U A R Y 2 0 2 1 / 1 1

FE ATUR E

with them like we want to. We think our relationship is doomed, when really, we’re just tired. And being able to acknowledge what’s happening — that neither of us is at our best — is important,” says Senarighi.

Seattle resident Amy Jerrett-Kotsenas and her husband, Matt, had their first child on Nov. 22, when numbers of coronavirus cases were again spiking. The pair stays strong by supporting each other’s needs.

“COVID has been hard on every relationship, and having a newborn is hard on a relationship. To keep us moving, I’ve leaned on my husband to help me avoid becoming overwhelmed. While I’m on maternity leave and he’s back at work, he has helped me prioritize the one to two things — in addition to caring for the baby — that I need to tend to each day, which usually includes a self-care item. This has continued from page 11

parenting or the escalation of existing issues, our experts have solid ideas to help you de-stress, reconnect and have more fun with your partner.

Connect with yourself and your partner Busy lives make it far too easy to put our own needs on the back burner, and we end up with nothing left to give. “There’s always one more email to get to, one more stack of laundry, one more mouth to feed or dog to walk. It leads us to have a less intimate connection with ourselves, and it gets even harder to connect with a partner or a friend or even our kids when we’re not self-connected,” says Gina Senarighi, Ph.D., a relationship expert and author of “Love More, Fight Less: Communication Skills Every Couple Needs.”

When we’re exhausted, interacting with our partner, or anyone else, can feel like more work. To avoid burnout, carve out time to decompress each day — you and your relationship deserve it.

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“The laundry and the email will still be there when you come back, break or not.

So often we think, ‘One more thing before I’ll give myself that time away,’ and that

been critical for my mental and physical well-being, especially these days, with the ever-growing and overwhelming list of to-dos,” says Jerrett-Kotsenas. “For my husband, I encourage him and try to hold him accountable for going for runs — he’s

“We evolved for sprints, not for marathons every day. In modern culture, we’ve moved into absolute stress excess.”

an ultramarathon runner, and running is a

one more thing will turn into a hundred

every day. In modern culture, we’ve moved

things, and then we’re just exhausted or we don’t have the mental energy. We end up acting in this sort of grouchy, short way with each other instead of actually collaborating with [our partner] or connecting

major stress reliever for him — and I try to make sure he’s eating, even if it’s ordering delivery. I’m thankful every day I have the partner I do, and I know this experience has made us even stronger and more prepared to tackle what lies ahead,” says Jerrett-Kotsenas.

Don’t allow stress to take over Ultrahigh levels of stress are the norm these days, and we’re all feeling it. But our bodies aren’t meant to endure such constant pressure.

“We evolved for sprints, not for marathons into absolute stress excess,” says Laura Kastner, Ph.D., a clinical professor in both the Department of Psychology and the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at the University of Washing-

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continued from page 12

In the middle of a heated argument, step

ton, as well as the author of a number of

away to cool off. Kastner recommends a

parenting books. “We enter into the COVID crisis and we’re getting a surplus of cortisol and adrenaline, which happens when the body’s threat system is activated way too much.”

“If you go into another room and you just recite your resentments, which most people do, it won’t work.”

Proceed with caution when you’re experiencing a hot-button moment, Kastner warns. “We’re not supposed to talk to loved ones under the influence of inebriation, and we should not deal with our loved ones under the influence of extreme emotions, when you have diffused thinking and quality of judgment. You have black-white thinking: ‘I’m a victim. You’re the villain. I’m right. You’re wrong,’” says Kastner.

To avoid inciting a full-on argument with your partner, understanding your body’s physiological arousal cues, such as an accelerated heart rate or a rush of adrenaline, is the first step, advises Kastner. “[Tell yourself] ‘I need to take care of my arousal, so when I enter a situation dealing with my partner, I’m in good shape. Then, the two of us need to be in good shape as individuals and as a couple, so we don’t have spillover of [stress] to our child,’” says Kastner.

When you’re seeing red, de-escalate before engaging with your partner or kids.

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paced respiration exercise: Concentrate on inhaling for four seconds, holding your breath for seven seconds and then exhaling slowly for eight seconds.

But whatever you do, do not talk until you’re calm. “If you go into another room and you just recite your resentments, which most people do, it won’t work.

You’re going to stay very mad when you

both yelled at each other and leave it there.”

Embrace fun moments and new experiences Many parents are working from home in close quarters with their children and partner. Seattle mother of three Sharon Van Epps has taken advantage of the circumstances to prioritize extra bonding.

“Honestly, all the time together at home has been a boost to our relationship: tak-

get back together,” says Kastner.

ing walks together, eating lunch together

When it’s time to talk, leave your grudg-

fight boredom, talking about our respective

es at the door and actively listen to your

work issues throughout the day and often

partner’s concerns, instead of approach-

cooking dinner together. All the simple

ing the dialogue with an “I do so much, and

pleasures our busy schedule didn’t allow

you don’t do enough” message. “Empathy

for in the past have been soothing,” says

is always the place to start,” says Kastner.

Van Epps. “My husband will be retiring in

“Say ‘I know I’m listing all the stuff I did

a few years, and I no longer feel anxious

this week for the family, but you’ve got a

about having him home all the time! I also

list just as long. I went straight for the stuff

noticed that so much togetherness made

you didn’t do instead of what you did do,

it easier for us to buy each other Christmas

and that’s my bad. I appreciate all the things

gifts this year; we were more in tune with

you do for this family. I still want to talk

what the other needed/wanted. Everything

about this thing that happened, but I do see

has not been perfect, but I really have

all the things you do,’” says Kastner. “Some-

tried to focus on what is going right,” says

times you just want to apologize that you

Van Epps.

sometimes, running errands together to

LO CAL R ES O UR C ES / CAM P S : ARTS + ACT I V I T I ES

Kastner encourages regularly allocating separate time to connect with ourselves, as a family and as partners. “You want some connection time, and you want some business-meeting time, maybe some fun family time, and then you want intimacy time. So, you need to think about yourself and the marriage as ‘How do I pay the meter? How do I fill the tank?’” says Kastner.

date; it’s called ‘No Fail,’ and you’re not allowed to be negative. Your partner has to put some effort into it.

During COVID, it could be something as simple as walking in a different park. You get coffee on the way, or

st

e

therapy where I’ll say trade off planning a surprise

11/18/20 10:35 AM

i

All-Girls | Grades 2-8

OL

and beer every Wednesday, but I do a lot of marital

For

routine, and it’s very sweet when people have pizza

Exper

ce

couples who do the same thing every week. “I love

R ME

en

volving novelty have more marital satisfaction than

1220_gage_1-8h.indd 1

1/11/18 12:04 PM

HO

Research shows that couples who plan dates in-

0218_red_gate_farm_1-8h.indd 1

SUM

“We want to broaden and build our perspective on a regular basis about all those things our spouse is doing right, everything they’re doing to keep the engine going.”

C Ridge S

July 12-23

you go to a different takeout place that’s a surprise,” says Kastner. “It’s really easy to not look at the big picture, especially if you’re being pulled in a negative direction all the time. We want to broaden and build our perspective on a regular basis about all those things our spouse is doing right, everything they’re doing to keep the engine going,” says Kastner.

Go back to basics to ramp up desire Sexual desire isn’t easy to conjure when our systems are overloaded. Senarighi urges prioritizing pleasure in nonsexual ways, such as allowing ourselves the time to really taste and enjoy a meal, taking an extra-long

Register today for classes including fiber arts, gardening and cooking, sports, and more!

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PA R E N T M A P / F E B R U A R Y 2 0 2 1 / 1 5

FE ATUR E

kids know you like each other, that romance is a part of your life, and that there might be some boundaries with that,” says Senarighi.

Take it easy on yourself and let go of worries In a world where bad news is readily available 24/7, our attention is constantly drawn toward the negative. “We hold on to the ‘owies,’ to the disgruntlement, to the resentment. It’s very understandable from a species point of view; it paid off to look at bad things. We needed to know about predators and dangers, but by having that bias toward the negative, it’s really easy to not look at the big picture. We want to broaden and build our perspective on a regular basis. If we worry, worry, worry, it’s just not good for us,” says Kastner.

To nudge yourself toward a more positive outlook, let go of self-imposed, unrealistic

continued from page 15

fun it is. No sex though, because if you

shower or engaging in any activity that

have sex, it will ruin it,” says Senarighi.

expectations. “Accept yourself exactly the

The logistics of having everyone at home

can. You want to have a positive mindset.

soothes our soul.

“We want to create an environment that is conducive to being intimate with ourselves, being able to prioritize our pleasure so we’re more likely to prioritize intimacy and pleasure with our partner. For most people, and especially most women, the way arousal works is responsive desire. The environment is right. I feel like I’m in a good mood. I’ve had a pretty good day. Maybe I could make out. Maybe I could do a back massage for a minute. It’s very much contextual. And then I respond to my environment and the stimuli around me, and that puts me in the mood to

can make intimacy feel impossible. Jamie Beth Cohen, a Lancaster, Pennsylvania, mom of two children, ages 8 and 11, decided to be upfront with her kids about sex.

“I had always preferred to have sex when the kids weren’t home, and that’s just not happening these days, because we made the decision to keep them out of school and extracurriculars for everyone’s safety.

Our solution was to be honest with them about when we’re having sex, so they know not to interrupt us. This has allowed us to continue speaking with them honest-

[have] sex,” says Senarighi.

ly, frankly and appropriately about sex. I

Be open to physical closeness with your

kids as they start to engage with intimacy

partner without the expectation of sex, Senarighi proposes. “It turns into this ‘sex or no sex conversation,’ where if my partner even looks at me a certain way, let alone touches me or kisses me a certain way, I will respond with a yes or no, not to the kiss, but to the question of sex. Make out every day for a week for five minutes solid.

See how that goes. It will remind you how

1 6 / PA R E N T M A P. C O M

hope this will have lasting benefits for our as teenagers and beyond, and in my relationship with my spouse as we continue our 20-plus-year relationship,” says Cohen.

Make an effort to spend time alone with your partner, even if that means watching a movie together in the bedroom while the littles enjoy their own flick in another area of the house. “It’s really important that your

way you are. You are doing the best you You can eke out a little energy to make things a little bit better. Lower those expectations, because then you won’t feel so crappy about the disparity between where you are and where you think you should be,” says Kastner.

During tough times, reflecting on the good things is essential. “It’s amazing how much a gratitude practice helps, especially if you write down three things you’re grateful for.

It really helps reset the brain to offset the negativity bias,” says Kastner.

When the world feels heavy and we’re drowning in stress, having fun is the last thing on our minds. But if we make an effort to look on the bright side, we, along with our relationships with our partners and kids, will benefit immensely.

■

Heidi Lynn Borst is an active mom, journalist and nutrition coach with a strong affinity for nature, sarcasm and extra sleep.

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PA R E N T M A P / F E B R U A R Y 2 0 2 1 / 17

FAM I LY F UN

February Play List 15 rain-or-shine ways to frolic during the month of love

By Devon Hammer

Check out many more happenings online at parentmap.com/calendar.

It’s still the dead of winter, but at least we are gaining a few more precious minutes of daylight with each passing day. Spring is on the horizon!

Sure, the weather is sodden, but suit up and get out there — kids don’t melt! We’ve rounded up a selection of favorite ideas for a fantastically fun February, rain or shine.

1. Celebrate the month of

3. Join ParentMap as we tap

love with a Valentine’s stroll around Lake Sammamish State Park. Swoon over love poems displayed on a designated path through the park. Register early for a chance to win a gift from local shop Boehm’s Candies!

Feb. 1–18. parentmap.com/lovers-lane

2. Snow doesn’t have to be

the center of attention for all winter adventures. A beautiful hike offers plenty of reasons to

the brilliant minds of parenting experts for you, our community. Preregister and tune in for free virtual parent education opportunities, including talks on adopting healthy habits for the new year, raising screensmart kids and the history of racism in America. Feb. 3, 9, 18 and 24. parentmap.com/live

get out in the fresh winter air, including less crowded trails and more wildlife sightings. parentmap.com/no-snowhikes

4.

Travel the globe from home as University of Washington students from around the world

Editor’s note: Please remember to wear a mask when coming within 6 feet of anyone outside of your immediate household and follow all advisories related to safe recreating outdoors (parentmap.com/stay-safe).

1 8 / PA R E N T M A P. C O M

Highlighted Events for February

| Thursday at 3:30 p.m.

Through Feb. 1-18

Feb. 11

Lovers’ Lane Valentine’s Day Trail

ParentMap Live Play Time: Living Room Ninjas

Lake Sammamish State Park parentmap.com/lovers-lane

Online parentmap.com/live

you see in at least one 15-minute time span from anywhere in the world during the Great Backyard Bird Count. Friday– Monday, Feb. 12–15. Free; preregister. parentmap.com/count-birds

10.

A treat from Cafe Besalu in Ballard. Photo by JiaYing Grygiel

showcase their cultures at this year’s virtual CulturalFest International Expo. View online Feb. 10–20. parentmap.com/culturalfest

5.

New playground alert! Take advantage of a break in the clouds or suit up in rain gear to explore the brand-new, allabilities playground set on the shores of Lake Washington at Juanita Beach Park. parentmap.com/newplayground

6.

Learn the discipline of parkour with Living Room Ninjas in a virtual ParentMap play session led by Kong Academy. Zap those winter wiggles by having the kids practice the basics of parkour using items found around the house. Thursday, Feb. 11, 3:30 p.m. Free; preregister. parentmap.com/live

7. Join The Museum of Flight

online for an out-of-this-world preview of Perseverance, the NASA rover that is set to land on Mars later this month.

Thursday, Feb. 11, 6 p.m. Free. parentmap.com/perseverance

8.

Nudge the kids outside no matter the weather with the lure of rainy-day backyard adventures. Put junk to good use to construct a vertical water wall, have a hootenanny, play in the mud, find critters and more. parentmap.com/ rainy-day-recess

9.

Contribute to actual scientific study! Tally the birds

Welcome the Year of the Ox with a traditional Lunar New Year lion dance and celebration by viewing it online with the Wing Luke Museum. Saturday, Feb. 13, 1–5 p.m. parentmap.com/lunarnew-year (For more ways to celebrate and learn about the Lunar New Year, see p. 23.)

11. If the bird count gets

you hooked on community science, check out other ways for families to participate in citizen science and support real scientific discovery. parentmap.com/citizenscience

Feb. 12–15

| Friday–Monday

Great Backyard Bird Count Anywhere parentmap.com/count-birds

14. Take advantage of a bit

more daylight and get moving with tots in strollers or on scooters along these scenic South Sound–area paths that are perfect for families. parentmap.com/get-moving

15.

Take your kids and your sweet tooth on a global tour right in town. Check out one (or more!) of these kid-friendly Seattle-area bakeries, each paired with a nearby play spot where the kids can run off their inevitable sugar high. And if you need another reason for indulging, small businesses really need our love right now. parentmap.com/sweet-stops

■

Devon Hammer is ParentMap’s Out + About editorial assistant and a mother of two.

12. Shower love on your

dearest ones with a handmade card this Valentine’s Day, Feb. 14. The whole fam will have heart eyes over these easy, DIY card ideas for kids. parentmap.com/be-mine

13. Play hometown tourist with a splurge-worthy trip to see Seattle from above.

The Space Needle is open daily for visits with timed ticketing, and kids ages 4 and younger visit for free. parentmap.com/spaceneedle

Photo by Lisa Storms

PA R E N T M A P / F E B R U A R Y 2 0 2 1 / 1 9

LO CAL R ES O UR CES / CAM P S : ARTS + ACT I V I T IES

What a Veteran Camp Director Wants You to Know About Summer Camps in 2021

By Patty Lindley David Berkman has worked for the Union for Reform Judaism (URJ) camping system for 24 years, and has held the position of director at Camp Kalsman (campkalsman.org) since it opened in 2007. Due in no small measure to his previous experience working in fire and rescue service and as an instructor for the Red Cross, Berkman was tapped last year to guide all of the URJ’s regional camps through their COVID-19 response.

ParentMap caught up with Berkman to learn what parents should understand about the safety of camps in 2021.

How are you and camp staff preparing to safely operate your camp sessions?

The first thing I would tell parents is that [camp staff] view the health and safety of campers as a partnership. We recognize this as a sacred trust that parents put in us.

We’re looking not just at Kalsman but across North America for best practices and standards. The American Camp Association [acacamps.org] has released and continues to update some guiding principles and recommendations, obviously following guidelines of state and county departments of health.

We brought together a group of doctors from across our system; the medical director of Kalsman also happens to be the medical director of the URJ camping system, Dr. Davia Loren. She’s leading it. [The group includes] the head of the pediatric ICU at Harborview, who is a camper parent and a camp doc.

There’s a doc out of the Chicago area who supervises a group of ER doctors. There’s an

2 0 / PA R E N T M A P. C O M

epidemiologist out of Houston, and there’s a chief medical officer of a group of retirement and assisted-living facilities.

They all have deep ties to our camping system. We were looking for experts to help guide our decisions who had the credentials, the gravitas and the backbone to be able to tell us, “No, you can’t do this, you can’t do that.”

What would you say to a parent who is on the fence about sending their child to summer camp?

I think it’s reasonable to be on the fence.

[Now is the time] to have that conversation with the leadership of the camp, to get questions answered to your satisfaction and to recognize that not all the answers are available yet.

I am having conversations all the time where I say, “We’re talking about it and we’re thinking about it, but it is premature to have that conversation.” For instance: Testing, right? What is it going to look like? Well, I don’t know, because testing has changed so much in the past six months. I know it’s going to change again in the next six months. If I can wait three months to make that decision, to have the best test available on the market? When it comes to your kid’s health and safety, I’m

going to wait three months to make that decision.

I would say most camps probably recognize that there’s some level of uncertainty going into the summer, and they should be able to provide you with a really clear refund policy. When are payments due? What happens if the state says [the camp] can’t open or the camp says they’ve decided not to open? What are the refund policies?

How is registration looking for Camp Kalsman so far?

In the first 24, 48 hours, we normally see maybe 200 kids register. And we saw over 400 of our kids re-enroll. So, there’s a demand for it. Kids need the social interactions, the ability to be outside and the ability to be with friends for their mental health. As adults, we have to balance that with answering the question “How do we keep everybody healthy?” We’ve had over a year to start planning that. I feel much better about our ability to go into this summer than I did in March of last year.

What I would caution parents against is not being prepared to send your kids to camp or being stuck without an opportunity for your child as things ... become more comfortable.

But parents have to make decisions about

LO CAL R ES O UR CES / CAM P S : ARTS + ACT I V I T IES

what they feel is best for their own family, their growing children.

This year in particular, there are going to be lots of questions.

Are you planning to restructure some of what you would normally do?

Absolutely. First, there’s going to have to be a real strict adherence to NPIs [non-pharmaceutical interventions]: social distancing, masking, hand hygiene — all of that is going to be really important. Not only will that fight COVID, but it will help keep what we affectionately refer to as the “camp crud” down. If you increase hygiene and these other nonpharmaceutical interventions of masking and distancing, you tend to have fewer sick people in general. And that relieves the burden on the health-care system of the camp.

I would say that parents might reasonably expect some form of podding that is different than in previous years. Depending on the length of the session — here, we’re West Coast camping, so sessions are often short, so, seven, 10, 14 days — you may not be able to expand that pod, but if you have kids at camp longer than a 14-day cycle, you can reasonably open up that pod after some in-person isolation and testing.

Why is camp so beneficial for kids?

Camp is not necessarily about the coolest lakefront activity or the best ropes course. Those are nice features, but the benefits of camp are the friendships, the lifelong skills kids learn, an appreciation of nature. Those don’t change from year to year.

In some ways, we might think of it as going back to basics.

Frankly, with the amount of virtual programming that’s going on in school and everywhere else, any time together outside is going to be really warmly received. The kids are itching to be outside. Parents are itching to get their kids outside!

Kids grow more emotionally and socially in a month at overnight camp than they probably do in a normal school year. They’ve got to learn how to deal with 10–15 bunkmates.

They’ve got to come to terms with group choices, problem solving, personal growth and personal responsibility in a really healthy and appropriate way, with the guidance and support of mentors who are dedicated to their success.

Camp is about kids learning to develop, grow and become positive members of society. What’s more important than that, than setting up the next generation for success?

Any final words of reassurance for worried parents?

What I would urge parents to understand is that nobody takes [the pandemic] more seriously than this industry — I mean, we really do. We’re as committed to your kids’ success as you are.

It’s hard to be optimistic in the middle of a pandemic, but I’m optimistic. I think camp is remarkable. I think there’s a way to do it safely. And if we can’t do it safely, we won’t do it. But I believe there’s a way to do it safely. Camp is a powerful, powerful, powerful and life-changing opportunity for the good.

■

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Family Fun

Make the Year of the Ox Rock!

Fun ways to celebrate the Lunar New Year at home

By Gemma Alexander

If 2021 has already lost some of the shine of a new year, there’s still hope for a fresh start. Thanks to the lunar calendar, you can always get a do-over for the New Year’s holiday.

The Chinese New Year is celebrated throughout Asia under the names Lunar New Year or Spring Festival.

Traditionally, it starts on the new moon of the first month on the lunar calendar and ends on the full moon with the Lantern Festival.

Even today, many people in Asia

take a full week off for the holiday, and children look forward to cashfilled red envelopes with the same greedy anticipation that red-suited Santa inspires on Christmas.

Not only is the Chinese New Year a bigger celebration than the one that happens on Jan. 1, it’s also more suited to the circumstances of our times, with its focus on family, food and home. The Year of the Ox begins on Feb. 12, and we’ve got ideas for fun (homebound) ways to celebrate.

Xin nian kuai le!

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FAM I LY F UN

continued from page 23

Read up Get kids excited about the holiday in advance by reading all about it. The Seattle Public Library suggests Chinese New Year read-alouds (parentmap.com/CNY-aloud) and other new-year-themed books for young children (parentmap.com/CNY-reads).

Since we’re entering an ox year, consider Oliver Chin’s bilingual “The Year of the Ox: Tales From the Chinese Zodiac.”

And don’t forget to learn more about your family’s Chinese zodiac signs at parentmap.com/zodiac!

shape resembles ancient Chinese money), dumplings are a traditional feature of Lunar New Year celebrations and can be made by even small children in a fun family assembly line. Other traditional foods include noodles (signifying a long life) and whole baked fish (signifying wealth).

Eat up Few holidays can compete with the Chinese New Year in the good-food category. Try starting the new year with a vegetarian dish, following the Buddhist tradition that nothing should be killed on the first day of the new year. Buddha’s Delight is traditionally prepared with 18 symbolic ingredients, but you can try local author Hsiao-Ching Chou’s simpler Lucky 8 Stir-Fry, from her new book, “Vegetarian Chinese Soul Food: Deliciously Doable Ways to Cook Greens, Tofu, and Other PlantBased Ingredients.”

Signifying family reunion (as most families prepare them to eat together at midnight on New Year’s Eve) and prosperity (their

2 4 / PA R E N T M A P. C O M

Don’t forget dessert! Sweet, sticky candy ensures a good report from the kitchen god. Fa gao is a fermented and steamed rice cake; its name is similar to a word meaning “gaining wealth.” The website Chinese New Year (chinesenewyear.net/food) lists delicious New Year’s foods from all over China, together with their symbolic meaning.

But there is nothing wrong with takeout for an easy celebration. As the date of the Chinese New Year gets closer, keep an eye out for special holiday family dinner offers and meal kits from your favorite Asian restaurants.

Get crafty Calligraphy on red paper is a popular Chinese New Year decoration that kids can make at home. They can copy the word (fú) for happiness with black or gold paint. Write it twice for double the joy, or hang it upside down to indicate that good fortune has already arrived. More ambitious kids can try to calligraph banners like the ones from Chalk Academy (chalkacademy.com), while younger kids can print them out and decorate them.

For ox-themed projects, try blogger Red Ted Art’s suggestions (redtedart.com).

Making homemade drums to scare away the monster Nian or paper

lanterns for the Lantern Festival are popular New Year’s crafts for kids. Nina Simonds’ book “Moonbeams, Dumplings & Dragon Boats: A Treasury of Chinese Holiday Tales, Activities & Recipes” has instructions for these and other Chinese holiday projects. Also check out ArtsyCraftsyMom’s Pinterest board of Lunar New Year activities, and of course, there are loads of tutorials on YouTube.

If you’re not particularly crafty, try the oxthemed coloring book “I’m an Ox — Year of the Ox: My Chinese Zodiac Colouring Book”

by Tammy Lawrence-Cymbalisty.

Watch TV I know we’re all tired of virtual events, but hear me out. Although most Americans have never heard of it, Chunwan, the CCTV New Year’s Gala, is an annual production recognized by Guinness World Records as the world’s most-watched television program. More than 1 billion people tuned in to the 2018 gala. It’s essentially a four-hour live variety show; though not all of it will appeal to kids (stand-up comedy in Mandarin, anyone?), the acrobats are breathtaking, and the dancing and some of the music will hold everyone’s attention. It will air Feb. 11 at 8 p.m. online (tv.cctv.com) and on YouTube for overseas viewers (or try OnDemand China if the Chinese-language webpages prove too challenging to navigate; ondemandchina.com). Past events can also be found online if you want to fast-forward through the speaking parts.

If you’re looking for something with a more local flavor, The Bellevue Collection’s usual celebration (lunarnewyear.bellevuecollection.com) is going online this year; the Asia Pacific Cultural Center (asiapacificculturalcenter.org) will post content celebrating Lunar New

Year traditions from throughout Asia and the Pacific Feb. 8–13; the University of Washington’s Chinese Student Association (csauw.com) will livestream its annual Lunar New Year Gala on Feb. 13 (cost is $5); and Wing Luke Museum (wingluke.org) is planning to host a digital Lunar New Year celebration Feb. 13, complete with a lion dance!

Stretch it out A lot of us are looking for every opportunity to keep that Groundhog Day feeling at bay.

So, be persistent as an ox and stretch the Chinese New Year into the two-week festival it’s meant to be. From the new moon to the full moon, each day has stories, activities and foods attached to it. Draw

from traditional activities, such as eating wontons and feeding stray animals on the second day. Or follow the more contemporary recommendations found on the Chinese American Family website (chineseamericanfamily.com) for activities such as cleaning out closets on day six. And if you don’t manage an activity for every day, at least one holiday tradition — staying home on day three — is a cinch this year.

■

Seattle-based freelance writer Gemma Alexander focuses on the intersection of parenting and the arts. When she’s not writing for ParentMap, she blogs at gemmadeealexander.com and tweets @gemmadeetweet.

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5 Realistic ScreenTime Resolutions You Can Actually Achieve in 2021

By Emily Cherkin

After the year we just had, it’s a bit much to expect parents to set any sort of hard-and-fast New Year’s screen-time resolutions.

We, as parents, are completely drained. Many of us were barely keeping it all together before COVID-19 struck, so now, after the onset of remote learning, summer camp dropouts and yet more remote learning, we’re simply done.

(And our poor teachers! This isn’t what they signed up for at all. They

are working so hard to make this bad situation better, often while dealing with the unexpected, such as when my nephew, who was asked to practice using his iPad to take and upload pictures, snapped a photo of his own nipple and the dog’s butt. Oops!)

I get it. I’m a teacher and I’m a parent, not to mention I’m nominally “The Screentime Consultant.” I, too, have reached the end of my rope more than once during these past months. I have done things I regularly implore parents not to do — for

PA R E N T M A P / F E B R U A R Y 2 0 2 1 / 2 7

AGES + STAGES

continued from page 27

instance, threatening to take away screen time. I have modeled the very behaviors I wish my children to eschew, such as using my phone as a distraction. I have even tossed my hands up and caved when my children have demanded, “Just one more episode” or petitioned their need to “just finish this level,” because I didn’t want to fight anymore.

My website’s motto is “Stop fighting, find balance,” but right now, even I can’t say that I have achieved that goal at home.

So, perhaps it is the height of absurdity for me to presume to write an article advising parents to set New Year’s resolutions regarding screen time. But I am deep in these trenches, too, and while I may be as burned out as the next parent, I do have some knowledge and tools that might be useful to others in this unfolding reality of 2021.

If you haven’t tossed the tablet out the window in anger or given in entirely to an all-screens, all-day policy (or even if you have), then here are some realistic, tangible options.

1. Own it: Live your tech life out loud.

Parents utilize screens more than ever before, just as their kids do. Working from home coincides with managing remote learning, scheduling online dance classes and moderating Zoom “playdates,” while also trying to assess if playing Minecraft after school constitutes the same, or a different, version of screen time than school does. It is all very confusing. Parenting was already a full-time curator’s job, and now, we’re all squeezed together into tighter quarters, trying to keep calm and carry on.

This year, resolve to just own it. Tell your kids that this chaotic mess is stressful for you, that it’s hard to manage, and that you just don’t always know what the right thing to do is. Admit that you’re on your computer or staring at your phone more than you’d like. Talk about how social

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media and doomscrolling have allowed you to swap at-home chaos for real-world chaos, and, at the very least, how those distractions are welcome in the short term.

How do you do this? Narrate what you do as you do it. This act of “living your life out loud” is actually a secret weapon. It’s free, it’s easy to do, and even if your kids roll their eyes, it’s actually teaching them some really valuable skills, namely those pesky but important executive functions (organization, planning, prioritizing, emotion regulation, among others) that are so often touted as the backbone of healthy development.

Here are some easy prompts to get you started:

• “Ugh. My work emails are so overwhelming. I feel like scrolling through Instagram to distract myself.”

• “Hmm ... that 20 minutes on IG turned into an hour, and I don’t feel better.”

• “I am looking at this cooking app for

inspiration on what to make for dinner, though honestly, I want to order pizza again because I am so tired of cooking.”

• “I am binge-watching old episodes of

‘The Great British Baking Show’ because it helps me feel like there are kind people in the world.”

Living out loud can feel awkward at first, but keep trying. We want our kids to see how we use tech — the good, the bad and the pandemic. When they understand that we struggle, too, they can learn from how we build resilience after rebounding from bad choices.

2. Choose connection and small moments.

A few months ago, my daughter and I were in constant conflict, both of us stressed,

tired and stubborn. The smallest things sparked big blowups. One day, I made a bid to connect with her in a tense moment.

I reminded myself that she is not a small adult, but a child with big feelings and fewer skills to regulate them. She leaned into me, burst into tears and said, “I just want to play with you!”

Heart. Breaking.

Kids are doing such an amazing job. They don’t complain about wearing masks or keeping 6 feet away from others, even when that goes against the very nature of being a child. Yes, they are also sad and lonely, and they miss their friends and teachers, but as one of my dear friends always says, we can learn a lot from kids when it comes to “controlling our controllables” — something that is even more relevant now.

This year, stop worrying about orchestrating family outings to “make up” for what your kids have lost. Accept the fact that PB&J is on the menu for lunch again and that the Halloween candy is still being consumed. Celebrate the unplanned moments — that socially distanced bike ride in the empty school parking lot with a neighbor or an impromptu Lego-building session.

There’s a good chance our kids will look back on some of these memories fondly, in spite of the chaos.

What our kids need most now, and what they have needed most all along, is time to connect with us. In all our messy exhaustion. In the middle of bulldozing that endless pile of laundry or toys. In spite of all that excessive screen time. In spite of the lack of vegetables on the dinner plate.

What our children need most is 10 minutes — even just five minutes — daily of our eye contact, our words, our hands, our presence. Rather than death by a thousand cuts, we can choose life by a thousand small moments.

Then they can have the iPad back.

3. Say no … sometimes.

Things won’t be like this forever. Eventually, our kids will be back in the classroom.

They will resume in-person activities. And the way we use screens will continue to evolve, for better and for worse.

Sometimes we can say yes to screens, and maybe, right now, we’re saying yes more often than we did during pre-COVID times.

But remember that “yes” in 2021 can look different than it did in 2020 — or in 2019, for that matter. The end of the pandemic is in sight. We might want to think about how to start tapering the yeses in favor of a few more noes.

Let’s think in terms of baby steps, of course. Nothing dramatic or cold turkey.

But parents can say no to screens. Unless your 5-year-old paid for the device and all those related service charges by herself, you own the iPad and therefore, you are still in charge.

I do understand that it can be easier to say yes, and when we are stressed, we might lean that way. That’s totally understandable. But as obvious as it may seem, saying yes sometimes means that at other times, we get to, and should, say no. Think of it as a golden ratio of screen time: For every two yeses, add a no.

Keep in mind that saying no, as unpleasant as the ensuing meltdowns could be, is actually good for our kids. Why? Because boredom begets creativity, which means that your littles now get to make their own fun. If the tantrums really get to you, go back to precept No. 1, about living your life out loud: “I can see that my decision upsets you. I’m going to step outside for a deep breath. If you want my help in thinking of a different activity, let me know, but you are full of good ideas!”

When I started answering with more noes than yeses, my own kids began playing with toys that I’d thought they’d outgrown: Playmobil and Lego, wooden blocks and dolls. One of the biggest issues with screen-based play is that the “fun” is

generated by an algorithm or a technology company. In free play with traditional toys, children drive the storyline.

And even if the kids’ free play is building iPhones out of Legos, at least the projects are three-dimensional.

Sigh.

4. Practice tech intentionality.

I like chocolate as much as the next burned-out parent, but I don’t eat it every day (unless it’s near Halloween and there are Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups in the house). But even seasonally bingeing on a favorite candy is, well, seasonal. It isn’t something I do every day, because I want to appreciate it for the occasional treat that it is.

In much the same way, screen time is like a box of chocolates, in the sense that you shouldn’t have it all day every day, even if you want to. When parents ask me, “How much screen time is too much?” I reply, “A little is okay, and a lot is too much.” So annoying, I know. But the truth is, the prescription is different for different kids and different ages and different content. The

bigger question is how to handle screentime challenges with minimal stress.

For this newly hatched year, consider a “tech-intentional” approach.

We often turn to our screens as a way to access information quickly. This is definitely one of the perks of a smartphone. But being “tech-intentional” can mean thinking about alternatives to getting that information and wondering if the quickest is always best. (Learning happens when we struggle, after all!)

For example, if your kids want to look up a recipe to bake cookies, instead of a quick Google search, grab a cookbook off the shelf. Or put on your mask, walk to your favorite local bakery and ask for tips. Or use the phone (with its call-an-actual-human capability!) to reach Aunt Susan, who makes the best cookies, and have her walk you through the recipe. (And write it down on a piece of actual paper!)

Or consider how your family might come to rely on a paper map (you probably have some stuffed in the glove compartment somewhere, right?) to navigate to your next destination. Sure, the map won’t verbalize

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marketing influences the ads and recommendations of algorithm-driven YouTube.

That said, you might not want to live your life out loud when you use Amazon to build their holiday wish lists.

5. The only way out is through.

The year 2020 was not remotely what we expected. The year 2021 probably won’t be either. But my mantra these days is “The only way out is through.”

Photo by Emily Cherkin continued from page 29

step-by-step directions, but your child can learn his location relative to other places in the area where you live. (Even little kids can have fun pretending to read a map!)

Be intentional about how often your kids are exposed to targeted marketing. As Josh Golin, executive director of the Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood (commercialfreechildhood.org), has wisely pointed out, marketing companies know a lot and they use that information to target us. For example, when your child watches “Paw Patrol” on TV, marketers know he is watching “Paw Patrol.” But when your child watches “Paw Patrol” on YouTube, marketers know what video he’s watching, what he watched before that video, what he watched yesterday, what other websites he goes to and how often, what games he plays, what characters he likes, who his friends are, who his parents are and how much money they have, how old he is and where he lives.

In this case, being tech-intentional means electing to watch “Paw Patrol” on TV instead of YouTube and having conversations with your kids about the ways in which

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More often than not, our use of screens during the pandemic, by necessity, has probably veered into survival mode and pure practicality. On the one hand, technology has assisted us in staying connected to loved ones, schooling our children, working from our homes and entertaining ourselves during downtime. On the other hand, Zoom fatigue is real, remote learning is mostly a bummer, trying to “work” at home is impossible at times, and Netflix binge-watching isn’t always a healthy coping mechanism.

The reality is that we can always do better, and right now, “better” may be set at a pretty low bar. That’s okay. That means we can start to gently, intentionally, raise that bar, one day at a time.

As much of a struggle as remote learning has been for many families, children are still learning, even if what they are assimilating isn’t always part of the official curriculum.

The child of a friend is required to track time spent listening to audiobooks in his school’s online platform for points (ugh). My friend recently found him watching a show on Netflix with his school iPad next to him, an audiobook playing on mute. How clever!

The answer to how much is too much is never black and white. We are going to mess up, but that would be true even if we weren’t experiencing a pandemic. For many families, this crisis has forced us to slow the hamster wheel long enough to remember what we love about being with our kids, to revisit shared activities like neighborhood walks, to reimagine what family time can look like and even to find unexpected ways to connect with each other.

The long-term fallout from the COVID-19 pandemic will be huge — the mental health of those who are isolated, the extreme demands visited on our first responders, the educational toll on our youth of being kept at a distance from beloved teachers for so long, the political strife that has worsened

As much of a struggle as remote learning has been for many families, children are still learning, even if what they are assimilating isn’t always part of the official curriculum.

One way to start moving through this is to use time-bound language when it comes to screen use. Just because our children are spending hours on screens for remote learning and entertainment doesn’t mean things will always be this way. We can say to our kids, “Right now, we are using screens a lot. When we return to school, we will readjust how much we use them,” or “During a pandemic, a lot of things have changed, including how much screen time we get. When it is over, we will be able to better balance screen use with other things we enjoy doing.”

our entire experience. But we are resilient.

Children are resilient.

We used to get out of bed in the morning because we knew, as our parents did, that we wanted to leave the world a better place for our kids. Now, we get out of bed because our kids are helping us to realize that, together, we can all make the world a better place.

At least until they want the iPad back.

■

Emily Cherkin is a mother to two, a former middle school teacher, and the founder and owner of The Screentime Consultant.

Parent Day Jobs Meet Helen Lee Bouygues This media literacy expert helps parents teach kids how to recognize and combat fake news

By Darlena Cunha

In recent weeks, Americans have been riveted to coverage of the unprecedented events that transpired at our nation’s capitol on Jan. 6 and the subsequent dramatic impacts, including the impeachment of President Donald Trump. It is — and yet it isn’t — hard to believe that the very real news we’re witnessing resulted directly from fake news.

Helen Lee Bouygues says that teaching media literacy skills to kids is more essential than ever. She is the president and founder of the Reboot Foundation, a Paris-based research group that studies media literacy and critical thinking in people of all ages.

Bouygues spoke with ParentMap on the topic of how we can help our children navigate a constantly evolving tide of internet information — and misinformation.

to recognize it — to our children.

How do you get through to children who just want to get their information on TikTok?

It’s a balance of what children want to learn from and where they should be learning from. Parents need to continually take the time to correct this. If your child is interested in sharks, and you type “sharks” into a search engine, the probability is that the first six videos that come up will be someone getting their leg bitten off.

If you type in “sharks National Geographic,” you’ll actually get information about sharks.

This is true for adults, too. In a survey we did, the majority of people thought they were good identifiers of fake news, but when we asked specific questions, checking sources and dates, the actual level was less than their self-perception.

Did a lack of media literacy help lead to the storming of the Capitol building?

This insurrection is a culmination of misinformation, disinformation and mal-information. A lot of these people genuinely believe Trump’s lies that the election was stolen.

We need to train [our children] and ourselves not to click on the first search term that comes up. There is a responsibility in schools as well. The Finnish government has made media literacy part of their solution to fake news. In the U.S., this is not required.

There is very little awareness from the public that there is a bigger schism between interpretation and understanding because of how people gather information. That is one of the issues leading to this level of insurrection. Ninety percent of the information we gather is online, and 90 percent of that 90 percent is via social media. So, in addition to a lack of media literacy, there is a lack of critical thinking, and [therefore] an increase in cognitive biases. We need to teach this — and how

Adults need to be more aware as to how susceptible they are, and then teachers and parents need to do a better job for the next generation.

How do media literacy and critical thinking work together?

I view media literacy and critical thinking as coming hand in hand. You can’t do only one — they are a combination.

There are more general critical thinking skills that parents can practice with their

kids to set them up for media literacy. In this particular situation, some of them have seen the shocking photos online, and I think it’s really important that parents ask questions and, in turn, have their children ask questions.

Another part of critical thinking skills is putting your emotions into perspective. First, let [your children] express their emotions, so they are not held within, and then continue to have that conversation. This helps them manage their emotions over time.

What are the best ways for parents to begin these conversations?

It can be anywhere. It can be in the car, at the dinner table. The ideal place to start is with something the child is interested in or something that the child is learning in school. It doesn’t need to be about politics; these skills are transferable.

And if possible, spend time online with your child. Take the time to walk them through looking at an article, seeing who actually published it, asking if that source could be biased and why.

For more information on educating your children about how to navigate the torrent of news messaging on social media, check out the research and critical thinking skills guides for teachers and parents presented on the Reboot Foundation website (reboot-foundation.org).

■

Darlena Cunha is a freelance journalist and an adjunct professor at the University of Florida.

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