ParentMap March 2023 Issue

File under random ramblings: Mixtapes for mamas and papas

A few years ago, I started a Notepad file on my computer desktop with the unimaginative working title “The 100.” Not a novel concept by any stretch, but the idea was to tinker together a collection of 100 songs that would best represent the soundtrack of my life, from childhood to present middle age. Like the classic mixtapes and “desert-island discs” of my youth, I thought it would be fun to trace all of the angsty, joyful and remarkably unremarkable experiences of my decades — through songs, and for an audience of one. Well, I had a pretty good list going there for a while and I’d prune away at it every now and again … until … I had a catastrophic computer crash. Lamentably, la liste was burnt to a crisp in the toaster fire.

The fate/topic of The 100 list was recalled to mind a few months ago, upon waking one morning with a random song playing in my head: “Sweet Victory” from a classic favorite episode of “SpongeBob SquarePants.” (Does this happen to you? I routinely awake with a totally unaccountable earworm song in my head. Are these signals from the universe, hinting at some deeper import? What, I wonder, is the answer to the riddle that is the theme song to “The Love Boat”?)

Leaving aside for the moment the concerning circuitry of my overtaxed brain when it starts coasting and freelancing into and out of sleep (speaking of burnt toast …), I mentioned my “Sweet Victory” conundrum to my husband and to my daughter, who was home from university on holiday. We had been talking about what we wanted for Christmas. I gave my typical annoying (though truthful!) answer: “New oven mitts!” But then I knew what SpongeBob was trying to tell me. “Matilda, I would love it if you made me a mixtape.” She paused for a beat, smiled, then said, “I can do that!”

And can I tell you, I don’t know that I have ever received a more gratifying and touching present in my life than the CD she burned for me (yep, an actual CD). My musically brilliant daughter, not surprisingly, is waaaay better at “The 100” than her mother!

“Songs in the key of [your] life” (of course you made the list, Stevie!) carry indelible sonic associations of our experiences of greatest joy and triumph, sadness and setbacks, people we have loved and lost, reminders of what is precious to us, what makes us who we are. They are musical horcruxes — if you will allow the conceptual theft — the artistic gossamer of our lives [insert cotton joke here].

So, thank you, Stevie, Bruce, Simon and Garfunkel, Cat, CCR, Otis, Dionne, Nina, Harrys (Belafonte and Styles), Deano, Abba, ELO, Hanson (!), Fleetwood Mac, Sinéad, the “Free to Be You and Me” ensemble, et al, for articulating the gorgeous fabric of my life. You, too, SpongeBob. And thank you, sweet Matilda. Your mama loves you. I can still see your dearest beaming face in the backseat as we sing together:

A man and a woman had a little baby

Yes, they did

They had three in the family

And that’s a magic number

— Patty Lindley, managing editor

What is your favorite thing about spring in the PNW?

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Benjamin Danielson, M.D. CLINICAL PROFESSOR, UW SCHOOL OF MEDICINE PRACTICING PHYSICIAN, UW MEDICINE

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John Gottman, Ph.D. THE GOTTMAN INSTITUTE PROFESSOR EMERITUS, UNIVERSITY OF WASHINGTON

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Budding trees

Crocuses, daffodils and then tulips

Cool days, the fresh smell of rain, flowers blooming

Baseball and outdoor BMX racing

The return of the western tanagers

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MARCH 2023, VOL. 20, NO. 3

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Wellness

Sound Bites

Fostering a healthy relationship with food starts at home

By Rachel Larkey, M.S., R.D., CDN, CLC

Maintaining a healthy relationship with food and body is so important, yet it can be so tough to do. We live in a “diet culture” society that values thinness and equates it with health and moral value, which means we’re constantly surrounded by messaging that can make us feel bad about our bodies and food choices. The approaches of Health at Every Size (asdah.org) and All Foods Fit serve as alternatives to diet culture and help us discover new ways to think of food and our bodies that foster lifelong health and well-being.

Health at Every Size

Health at Every Size, or HAES, is a healthcare approach that focuses on holistic health and weight inclusivity. This means that health is seen as an amalgam of many different factors (such as access to care and socioeconomic status), and it looks different for each individual. Additionally, a person’s weight is not the sole — or even the most reliable — indicator of their health status.

The HAES framework is constructed of five principles that are designed to promote equal access to quality health care: weight inclusivity, health enhancement, eating for well-being, respectful care and life-enhancing movement.

All Foods Fit

All Foods Fit is an approach to nutrition care that rejects the idea of “good” and “bad” foods. When we think of foods as good or bad, it can translate into feeling morally superior for eating certain foods, and morally inferior for eating others. This can lead to a disordered relationship with

food in which people feel guilt or shame for eating foods they see as “bad.” The All Foods Fit model in the treatment of eating disorders focuses on healing the person’s relationship with food first. When people have a healthy relationship with food, they are more inclined to choose a variety of different foods that not only foster physical health but also mental health.

How to use these models at home

Many parents wonder how they can help foster a positive relationship with food and body image at home, either to prevent disordered eating or as a way to help with eating disorder treatment. Here are some common phrases that you can reframe at home:

1. “[Insert food] is so bad for you.”

When we place moral value on food (by labeling it as “good” or “bad”), we often lose sight of the many reasons we eat outside of nutrition — such as for cultural or celebratory purposes, or simply for enjoying the taste and pleasure of food. Also, doing so sets the stage for kids to feel guilt when they consume foods that have been deemed “bad.” This guilt can lead to more disordered eating.

Try this instead: Offer other food options. Say something like “[Insert food] isn’t on the menu today. What would you like to try from these other options?”

If your child asks you whether a food is “good” or “bad,” use the question as a prompt to talk about the many reasons why we eat food outside of nutrition and remind them that food is neutral.

2. “You’re so gorgeous/beautiful/pretty!” (without other praise)

It’s so common for children (especially those who were assigned a female identity at birth) to receive compliments that are almost solely based on their physical appearance, apart from their other attributes. This can signal to kids that their worth is based on their appearance (or their ability to fit within the narrow margin of what is considered beautiful by society, i.e., someone who is usually thin, small and white).

Try this instead: Give compliments that are not based on appearance. This could be anything related to skills, intelligence, bravery, problem-solving, humor, strength, etc. For example: “You were so strong and skillful in your soccer game today! You must be very proud.”

3. “Are you sure you want to eat more?” or “You can’t be hungry — you just ate!”

It’s so common for kids to be hungrier than adults. Not only are kids growing, but those in recovery for an eating disorder

often need extra food above what is “normal” in order to recover and restore their health. Such comments signal to kids that it’s negative to take more of something and that they are being watched and judged for their food choices. This can lead to eating in isolation or the restriction of food.

Try this instead: Even though it can be scary, placing trust in your child’s hunger and satiety cues goes a long way. If your child is in eating disorder recovery, they may need to follow a meal plan beyond their natural hunger cues.

4. Making negative comments about your own body Kids are very observant about what their parents think, feel, say and do. If kids hear their parents say, “Wow, my stomach looks terrible” or “I’m getting so fat,” it teaches them to dislike their bodies, or hate or fear fatness in general. It might also signal to them that there are “good” and “bad” ways to have a body.

Try this instead: No one is perfect. It would be nearly impossible to omit every negative comment we make about our bodies. Something that makes a big difference to kids is to hear their parents admit when they goof up and what they wish they’d said instead. So, if you’ve made such a comment, try saying something like “I realized I just said something judgmental about the way my body looks, and I wish I hadn’t said that. All bodies are good bodies, and I wish I had chosen to highlight something I love about myself instead — so next time, I’ll try that.”

Nutrition is a complicated and ever-changing science, and an individual’s relationship with food and their body is nuanced and lifelong. If you think that you or a loved one would benefit from specialized treatment for eating disorders, contact THIRA health at thirahealth.com. ■

Rachel Larkey, M.S., R.D., CDN, CLC, is a dietitian and certified Intuitive Eating counselor who works in both New York state and Washington state.

Sponsored by

The mission of THIRA Health is to support women and girls living with mood disorders by using comprehensive approaches that address the whole self, along with an emphasis on community support. This is made possible by a team of trained, certified experts skilled in using dialectical behavioral therapy, art and movement therapies, nutrition and more.

Both/And

By Laura Kastner, Ph.D.

Meet the best solution for your toughest parenting dilemmas

Hand-wringing has become the norm. Mental health problems are surfacing in many families. “IRL” face time among family members is close to nil compared to online connection. You’d have to be living under a rock not to be concerned about the negative effects on children of bad media, governmental policies and extremism on the rise.

Here are some recent questions I’ve heard from parents: “How can I impose expectations for chores, homework and following rules when my kids are already totally stressed out?”; “What can I do if they refuse to go to school after watching news about school shootings?”; and “Isn’t it useless to try to control my teen’s social media consumption?”

For these dilemmas and many others, I recommend a tool called the “both/and.” What the heck is that? Put simply, it means that you both validate your child’s feelings (and your own!) and express your wiseminded perspective or parental decision.

This both/and tool is the essence of the evidence-based research on dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT). Furthermore, validation of feelings and wise parental action are also the basic building blocks of the most tried-and-true parenting programs.

The complexity of how to validate complex feelings deriving from depressive, anxious

and angry emotions, not to mention how to decide a wise action, gives parents pause. That’s the point! With difficult dilemmas, we should pause, get to a sense of calm, deliberate and then express our wise response to child challenges. The goal is to avoid reacting, and instead choose a wise response.

My “CALM” protocol helps guide this decision-making process:

Cool down: Do not respond under the influence of your emotional triggers; breathe deeply so you can think clearly.

Assess your options: Evaluate the pros, cons and risks of several possible approaches so that you can choose an optimal response.

Listen with empathy: Start by validating feelings, which does not mean agreement or approval; it means their feelings make sense from an emotionally attuned perspective.

Make a wise-minded decision: Integrate your cognitive and emotional skills while also using your intuition, so you can decide on an optimal response to the issue at hand. What is a realistic goal? What authoritative policy needs to be employed? What is in the child’s best interest right now?

Here are some examples of child dilemmas and their parents’ both/and responses:

An 8-year-old girl hits her 5-year-old brother because he took her tablet.

“Your anger is completely understandable. I don’t like when people use my belongings without asking permission either. No one does! And it’s super hard to stop the urge to get him back immediately. I appreciate everything you do to stop and use your words instead.

“And since you broke the no-hitting rule and he broke the no-stealing rule, you will both be spending some time in your rooms to calm down right now. I accept that you may think my decision is unfair.”

A 14-year-old who has been struggling with her school performance has a meltdown about her outstanding school assignments. During her emotional flooding and weeping, she says she can’t possibly do anything but chill out with her phone.

“It is a terrible feeling when the mountain just seems too high to climb. You look at those eight math assignments and you just want to hide. You are exhausted from your long day at school. You don’t know where to start with the burden of doing more work. That totally makes sense!

“And after you chill for a while, I’m going to bring you your favorite steamed milk with vanilla. I’m going to sit with you

continued from page 11 and do my email, while you take a crack at one assignment. We’ll figure this out together because I know how upset you are.”

An 11-year-old, who has always been sensitive and shown anxious tendencies, refuses to go to school after watching news coverage of school shootings online.

“Watching that footage is absolutely traumatizing. History shows us that humans have always been capable of horrible behavior. They are capable of generous and loving behavior also, but the sight of watching violent actions messes with our brains. Scary news footage tricks us into thinking that going to school is more dangerous than it is. It is awful.

“And yet we know that school is still one

of the safest places kids can be, so we will make sure you go. We are going to face this challenge together. I know you can have a good day at school.”

A 15-year-old desperately wants to be in his room with the door closed every minute that he is at home, even begrudging dinnertime. He makes adequate grades and acquiesces to the family expectation that he participates in after-school activities, but is snarly about anything that interferes with his gaming.

“I understand that at your age, being with your family is not nearly as appealing as gaming. In your gaming world, you get to interact with friends, experience the exhilaration of your skill and become ecstatic when you achieve new levels of mastery! Even when you fail, you get the challenge of learning from it, trying again and often reaching new

heights of competence. I get it that being with us at dinner or on family nights is a dull alternative.

“And we are going to continue to ask that you make an effort to engage positively with us and other activities. It is important to converse, show interest in others and engage in activities that may be less rewarding than the online world. We want you to try harder. I know we are asking a lot of you.”

An 11-year-old wants to put on makeup, wear sexually revealing clothes and mimic teenage influencers. She accuses her parents of being bad parents who hate her sense of fashion.

“I understand that you get a huge kick out of dressing up like a teenager. I know you think I’m old-fashioned and strict because I disallow wearing makeup or some of your outfits outside of

the house. Your creativity is a big part of who you are. Your fashion posts are some of your proudest achievements. I love that part of you and want to support your creativity. I really do.

“And I insist that you can explore your fashion sense without it being sexually provocative. We will hold that line while encouraging you to pursue your artistic skills. We trust that there is plenty of room for you to be an artist and a fashionista even while tolerating your parents’ limits. I understand that you are angry about our rules.”

Notice these important features in the parental responses:

• The parents offered multiple validations before they expressed their decision or policy.

• The parents’ acceptance of their child’s feelings was more emphasized than their bottom-line decision.

• The parents were not judgmental about the child’s behavior, habit or outburst.

• The parents did not lecture about how they were right about their determination and their kids were wrong.

• The parents did not expect their children to agree; in fact, they expected that their children may continue to emote or protest.

• The parents showed an understanding that children have their own psychological drives and interests.

• The parents did not expect to get rid of their children’s negative emotions.

• When the parents shifted from validating their children’s feelings to expressing their own decisions, they began with “and.” Shifting to their decision with a “but” would nullify or erase their validation.

• The parents demonstrated that they can both empathize with their children’s feelings and impose a decision that will be challenging or difficult for their children to accept.

The both/and tool is a distinctive approach for addressing a dilemma. When triggered by upsetting child behaviors, parents often react with an “either/ or” reaction, which implies that one party is wrong and the other is right. Two positions can be valid at the same time!

A Prescription for Restoring the Struggling Relationship Back to Health

This is an amazing book, wise and extremely useful. It is a must read for anyone who wants to have emotionally satisfying relationships. Buy this book! It will change your life.

John Gottman, Author of “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”

Two seasoned relationship experts address the top problems in relationships and provide simple strategies and exercises, grounded in relationship science, that couples can use to have the healthiest –and happiest – relationship of their lives.

continued from page 13

It is common for parents to default to a “Yes, but” reaction, such as “Yes, you have strong feelings, but my bottom line is more important.” To repeat an important point: If you follow a validation with a “but” phrase emphasizing your decision, you have erased the effective impact of your empathic statements.

Even though the both/and response has a more positive impact than one in which a parent reacts to a child problem emotionally or judgmentally, it is logical to tell a child …

… that having her tablet taken by a younger sibling is wrong, but hitting is unacceptable and she should be mature enough not to hit them.

… that despite being stressed out, she needs to be responsible for completing her schoolwork.

… that although school shootings are frightening, he and other students must deal with this fear and manage to go to school anyway.

… who is isolating in his room that he has a gaming addiction.

… that seeking attention by being sexually provocative is not the best way to develop self-esteem, nor is it consistent with parental values.

All these statements are true and accurate. However, it’s good to reflect before leading with these reactions by asking yourself: “You might be right, but are you effective?”

Would the child be more likely to cooperate with the “both/and” or the “Yes, but”? Which approach would engender more connection with your child? Even if the child hates their parent’s ultimate position, which approach would be better tolerated by the child?

It’s tempting to focus on how your position is reasonable and correct, but it doesn’t usually result in compliance or agreement.

In what silly movie can you imagine an upset and frustrated kid responding to the “Yes, but” approach with “Thanks for your insights! I’m wrong, and you are right!” Still, when we are triggered and engaged in conflict, we all seem to drone on with how our position is reasonable, hoping that the other party will cave and admit that we are right. This is especially true in our families!

Children won’t love the “both/and” approach either, since they are not getting what they want. The goal is that they will feel heard and respected. They may even cooperate with your plan or policy. They are certainly less likely to pitch a huge fit.

There is a vast base of research that supports DBT and the positive parenting programs that emphasize empathy and authoritative decision making. Intuitively, it makes sense to most parents that the children who feel love in action through connection and understanding will be more cooperative and responsive to their parents’ efforts to guide them.

The challenge is pulling off the both/and approach in the midst of a highly distressing situation. When our buttons are pushed, our brains tell us “Don’t just stand there. Do something! Put your foot down — now!” Our adrenaline surges and we think, “We can’t let them get away with that!”

And yet, with a little (or a lot of) reflection, we can figure out that lowering the boom will incite more conflict, if not out-and-out rebellion. The CALM protocol gives us a much better chance to figure out how to use the both/and tool for navigating difficult dilemmas. However, it takes a lot of practice and support.

I really believe using the CALM and both/ and approaches requires as much practice as the emergency procedures followed by firefighters, police officers and physicians in stressful situations. Maybe more! After all, they aren’t dealing with family members!

Calming ourselves is the ultimate superpower. Any parent knows we respond optimally when we are rested, have time to reflect and feel supported in our valiant efforts to be empathic to ourselves and others.

I know practicing these skills is aspirational, given the number of worries parents are burdened with, but I’m banking on the motivational force of parental love. Love in action is hard to beat, because the both/ and approach validates both the child’s feelings and the parent’s need to follow through on authoritative policies.

I am as inspired and moved as ever, witnessing the hard work of parents devoted to the mission of developing both their children’s security and their prosocial behaviors. I wish Nobel Prizes could be given out to ordinary parents doing this work. My intense desire for this Nobel mission is valid — and I’ll settle for this article in the meantime. ■

Laura Kastner, Ph.D., is the author of a number of parenting books, including the acclaimed “Getting to Calm: Cool-Headed Strategies for Parenting Tweens and Teens” and “Getting to Calm: The Early Years.” She is a clinical professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at the University of Washington.

In what silly movie can you imagine an upset and frustrated kid responding to the “Yes, but” approach with “Thanks for your insights! I’m wrong, and you are right!”

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Best Indoor Birthday Party Venues Around Seattle for Little Kids

From creative craft sessions to actionpacked adventures, these 10 great party places offer fun-filled bashes to celebrate your little one’s big day in a big way

By Kate Missine

Get ready to celebrate your little one’s big day with one of these 10 fabulously fun parties offered in the Puget Sound area — it will make their birthday one to remember! While welcoming all ages, these venues will be most appreciated by the 10-and-younger crowd.

Roaring Mouse, Seattle • roaringmouse.org

This cute art studio in the Ravenna neighborhood of Seattle opens up its light-filled space on weekends to host artsy parties designed for young artists ages 2–8. The two-hour parties begin with warm-up time in the toy-stocked playroom; then, the guests move to the studio to create an art project they get to take home, before wrapping up with food and cake. Choose from five fun project themes.

Cost: Starting at $240 for up to 12 children

Hands On Children’s Museum, Olympia • hocm.org

Got a long guest list to accommodate? The Hands On Children’s Museum in Olympia is your go-to. A favorite among South Sound families, this imaginative and educational play spot can host big bashes for as many as 60 guests, with no limit on playtime. Kiddos and parents get a full day to explore the exhibits. Included in the party package is one and a half hours in the indoor or outdoor party spaces, along with a digital template for invitations, VIP host parking and a gift bag for the birthday kid.

Cost: $250 for up to 30 guests, $435 for up to 60, with a discount for members

Arena Sports, multiple locations • arenasports.net

Choose from one of four indoor arena locations around Greater Seattle; various party package options include inflatables play, soccer, flag football and other coach-led game action. Or head over to the Mill Creek location for amped-up play at the Family Fun Zone, featuring thrill-filled activities such as ropes courses, climbing walls, laser tag and an arcade.

Cost: Starting at $385 for up to 10 kids

Catapult Adventure Park, multiple locations • catapultfederalway.com

Catapult Adventure Park takes the concept of a bounce house to a whole new level. Littles can jump, soar and roll across a

whopping 25,000-square-foot playground that features inflatable attractions, slides, ball pits, obstacle courses and more. There are also awesome tube slides, along with climbing walls, a giant “cat tree,” and even a ropes course and zip line for the older kiddos in your birthday crew. Meanwhile, parents can kick back in comfy massage chairs!

Cost: Starting at $275 on weekdays or $325 on weekends for 10 kids (option for up to 20 kids available)

Sno-King Arena, multiple locations • snokingicearenas.com

Winter or summer, the indoor ice rinks at Sno-King Arenas are an awesome way to get active and have fun with friends. Party packages at one of three Eastside locations include admission to the entire length of a public skate session for 15–20 guests, plus skate rentals, goodie bags and a private party room, complete with a balloon bouquet and a case of soft drinks (hosts provide all other food if desired).

Cost: Packages start at $250 for 15 people.

The Slime Factory, Bellevue • theslimefactory.com

It’s no secret that kids love slime; parents, not so much — especially when trying to get it out of their carpet, furniture and hair! Enter The Slime Factory. This newcomer to Bellevue’s Factoria Mall invites slime lovers to get messy to their hearts’ content — and Mom and Dad don’t need to deal with the cleanup. The group booking is for a minimum of five guests, a maximum of 40 kids, and includes two hours of private slime-making and -decorating experience, sensory pool play, selfie photo spots and a cool certificate of participation for each guest.

Cost: Starting at $20 per child on weekdays, $30 on weekends

Wunderkind, Seattle • wunderkindseattle.com

This neighborhood spot in Bryant, which first opened as a Lego café, has become a super-popular hangout with local families. Wunderkind has since switched focus to enrichment programs and events, but Lego remains a highlight. Little builders and engineers are invited to spend an hour building the creations of their dreams with an endless supply of Lego or Duplo blocks (more complex themed building parties are available for the older crowd), followed by 30 minutes of noshing on parent-supplied

treats in the party room, which has access to an awesome outdoor deck.

Cost: Starting at $225 plus tax

Infinity Farm, Issaquah • infinityfarmissaquah.com

Cuddly farm animals, hay to play in and plenty of outdoor space to run around? Sounds like the perfect party recipe to us! Head over to Issaquah’s Infinity Farm for some fantastic birthday fun on the farm. Choose from a basic party package, which features the opportunity to feed the farm’s adorable alpacas and other critters; or an inclusive package that also comes with a guided tour, party activities and a full setup, including tents, adult- and toddler-size tables, a bubble machine, a sound system and more. Other ultrafun add-ons are available at an extra cost — from bounce houses to a fire pit and s’mores kit.

Cost: $150/hour for basic package for up to 50 guests; $195/hour for inclusive package for up to 150 guests

Dizzy’s Tumblebus, any location • dizzybus.com

Are you rrready to … tumble? Then get set for tumbling, rolling, climbing, jumping and lots more — all inside the coolest-ever yellow bus! Bellevue’s Dizzy’s Tumblebus is a local institution: a preschool gymnastics studio made up of school buses that have been converted into tot-friendly mini gyms, fully stocked with all of the play equipment they could want to burn off that birthday cake rush! Get ready for excited squeals as the bus drives up to your location of choice (a flat parking surface is required). Trained instructors spend an hour leading littles in games and activities, finishing with medals for everyone. As many as 12 kids are allowed on the bus at a time, and older or younger siblings are welcome to join in.

Cost: Starting at $300 for 12 kids

The Moonpaper Tent, any location • moonpapertent.org

Want to host a party in the comfort of your own home, park or other space, but without the stress of coming up with the activities? Leave it up to the fantastically creative folks at The Moonpaper Tent. This theater and arts studio brings the entertainment to you, engaging your young guests in one and a half hours of imaginative thematic play — such as creative drama, dress-up, face painting, crafts, treasure hunts and more. Choose from one of the offered themes, or conjure your own wild ideas — anything the birthday kiddo can dream up will be transformed into a unique magic-filled activity.

Cost: Starting at $295 for 10 kids ■

Kate Missine is a lifestyle writer, food lover and a girly girl raising two little boys. She lived up and down the West Coast before settling in beautiful Sammamish with her family.

Voices

Parenting the Danish Way

For 40 years in a row, Denmark, a small country in the north of Europe, has been cited as having the “happiest people in the world.” What’s their secret? To answer this question, we turned to cultural researcher Jessica Joelle Alexander, a Danish-parenting expert and co-author of “The Danish Way of Parenting: A Guide to Raising the Happiest Kids in the World.” Alexander sat down with ParentMap to describe the principles of the Danish philosophy of parenting and how this powerful method of raising resilient,

capable and competent children can be exported to anywhere in the world.

How would you characterize Danish parenting?

Danish parents actively teach their children empathy and to value others. They base their success on real teamwork rather than only on striving to be “the star.” They work more on building a child’s self-esteem — a solid foundation of who they are in relation to others — rather than self-confidence, or an outward appearance of what they can do, appear like or own in relation to others.

A cultural researcher cracks the code for raising the happiest kids on Earth

Cultural researcher and author Jessica Joelle Alexander with her daughter, Sophie

This sturdy foundation rooted firmly in empathy is what they believe brings true happiness and well-being to us all in the long run.

What inspired you to write this book?

I have been married to a Dane for 20 years and have always marveled at the calm, well-behaved and caring nature of children in Denmark. That was even before I had kids. When I had my own children, I realized that I preferred the Danes’ off-the-cuff advice above all of the advice I was getting from books, the internet, and friends and family.

One day, while listening to my husband reframe my daughter’s language around the way she was experiencing something fearful, it hit me that there was truly a “Danish way of parenting.” Danes have a parenting style that is very different than ours, and I was convinced that it was part of the reason why they are consistently voted as the happiest people in the world. It had helped me so much as a parent and as a person that I was sure it could help others.

How would you describe the primary differences between  Danish and American parenting styles?

Danes don’t overprogram their kids’ lives. Play is considered one of the most important things a kid can do and learn from, even into high school. There is a big focus on the zone of proximal development, which means Danes respect children where they are at in their learning process and try to help them just enough so they don’t lose the joy in learning. This kind of learning — respecting the zone of proximal development — builds more self-esteem and resilience, and play facilitates this. In America, we often feel that if our child isn’t doing something measurable, they must not be learning enough. But as Mister Rogers said, “For children, play is serious learning.”

Another key difference: Danes actively teach empathy in school, beginning in preschool. Teaching empathy is as important as teaching math or English. They “keep it real.” Everything doesn’t have to have a happy ending. Hans Christian Andersen’s fairy tales — he’s one of the most famous Danes — are often very dark or sad, but they have been modified in America to fit a culturally accepted version. The original Little Mermaid, for example, doesn’t get the prince in the end. She dies of sadness and turns into seafoam. Reading books that deal with hard topics helps parents convey and introduce a wide range of emotions to their children, and this has been proven to improve their empathy skills.

ParentEd Talks: “A Parenting Playbook for Raising the Happiest Kids on Earth”  Join cultural researcher and parenting expert Jessica Joelle Alexander as she shares her tips and tools for bringing up the happiest kids in the world.

Wednesday, March 22, 2023, 11 a.m. PST  Learn more and register at parentmap.com/alexander

I think sometimes in America we tend to avoid confronting the harder emotions if we can help it. In Denmark, they jump right into them! The books I have seen my husband read to my daughter have dropped my jaw at times, but I know it is good for her and she loves it!

Also, spanking became illegal in Denmark in 1984. Danes use a diplomatic approach to discipline that avoids ultimatums. As a result, they are a very nonviolent culture. They focus on managing problems rather than disciplining them. And they have “hygge” as one of their highest and most important values as a cultural norm. That is, cozy time during which the focus is on “we,” not “me.”

What do you hope readers — and attendees at your upcoming ParentEd Talks event — take away from “The Danish Way of Parenting”?

The one thing I would really love for people to take away from the book/talk is to question the way things are and our “default settings” as Americans. It is incredibly difficult to see how our culture shapes our values, our way of being and even our way of raising kids. These are also referred to as “parental ethnotheories,” that is, our shared beliefs about the goals of child development and the socialization practices that will achieve these goals. These behaviors are so ingrained in us that we rarely question whether there is another way that might be better. We just assume we are doing things the right way. So, if people would truly reflect on this and try to implement even one pillar from “The Danish Way” — like hygge, for example — I am convinced it will help the next generation be happier. It sounds like a lofty ideal, but being an American who has experienced the Danish way of parenting firsthand, I have seen how powerful it can be. ■

On Trends

Cannamoms and Cannadads

Why some parents are choosing cannabis over cabernet

By Gemma Alexander

The wine mom meme tacitly acknowledges the challenges of parenting. Who wouldn’t want to relax over a glass of wine after the kind of crazy day that busy moms and dads call “Tuesday”? But for a lot of different reasons, some parents are turning to marijuana instead of alcohol when they get a chance for some “me time.”

The World Health Organization claims there’s no level of alcohol consumption that is safe for our health. As they age, many people notice that the amount of alcohol that used to generate a pleasant buzz now leads to heartburn, insomnia or even a hangover. Cannabis has none of these drawbacks, so why isn’t everyone replacing alcohol with marijuana?

For a lot of people, the answer is social stigma. Andrea Meharg of the Cannabis Coaching Institute in Ontario, Canada, understands completely.

“When I was in my 30s, if you had told me there was a mom who was ‘treating her depression’ with cannabis, I would have had all of the bad thoughts about her and what kind of kids she was raising,” says Meharg. Back then, when her kids, now ages 13 and 11, were little, she found herself in the grip of suicidal depression. Cannabis helped when prescription medication didn’t.

“I don’t want other people to have to be that dark before they can think of cannabis as a medicine,” she says. Today, she is a certified cannabis coach who helps people understand how to use cannabis for better health, and she has developed an online class that

teaches parents how to talk to their kids about cannabis. “I see a huge shift in acceptance and curiosity in people in this age group.”

Meharg says there is no statistical data on usage patterns, but in her practice as a cannabis coach and educator, she has seen many people who have used cannabis to overcome alcohol and opiate addiction and mental illnesses.

“I also see a lot of moms who are tired of waking up on a Tuesday morning feeling hungover because Monday was so hard and they flopped into bed after two glasses of wine,” says Meharg.

Creative cannabis

Old stereotypes still have a lot of purchase in popular culture, though, and nobody wants to be “the stoner mom/dad.”

“Companies in legalized markets realize that not everyone wants to be on the moon,” says Meharg. “There are products that can do that. But THC isn’t a scary on/off switch. It’s much more of a continuum. There’s lots of ways to give you a relaxed, fun Friday night without feeling out of control.”

Legalization has led to new aesthetics around cannabis culture, too. “Most women are not willing or eager to go spark up a joint,” says Meharg. While a colorful vape pen may not have quite the cachet of a Riedel wine glass, some cannamoms and cannapops are getting creative with edibles recipes that go way beyond the old-fashioned brownie. Cannabis-infused beverages even give you a chance to use that lovely stemware. Legal pot shops sell cute,

continued from page 21

low-dose gummies, the effects of which are entirely different from what people used to buy on the streets.

Low and slow

When Meharg was first exploring the world of cannabis, there wasn’t much information or guidance available. Because marijuana is still listed as a federal Schedule 1 drug in the United States, there is limited scientific research on its effects.

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Jasmine McCarthy, LMHCA, provides counseling for kids ages 5 years and up, as well as adults of all ages, and family counseling. Jasmine offers her services online via telehealth throughout Washington state. Jasmine is also a yoga instructor and is available for one-on-one yoga therapy.

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• Evidence-based parenting classes offered online in group settings or in family’s home

“It really is a process for each individual person to find out what makes them feel good,” Meharg explains. In the cannabis industry, the mantra for that trial and error is “Start low and go slow.” That means starting with one inhalation or an edible with 1–2 mg of THC, the psychoactive compound in cannabis. Do not take a second dose, even if the first appears to have no effect, unless you want to risk an emergency room visit. In high doses, THC can cause paranoia, nausea and a racing heart rate.

“It takes a while to understand this dangerous drug that will fry your brain and ruin your life — things it does have the potential to do if you blast off to the moon on purpose every day,” says Meharg.

She also warns that not all cannabis is cannabis. Synthetic cannabinoids are chemically converted from nonintoxicating CBD into concentrated variants of THC. These cheap synthetics are responsible for a disproportionate percentage of cannabinoid poisoning calls. While synthetics are banned in Washington, they are available online. Washington residents who choose to use cannabis should only purchase natural THC and CBD products from licensed marijuana stores.

Mindful marijuana

There is no research on how marijuana impacts parenting skills, but some parents report that cannabis helps them maintain patience and be more present with their kids. Mindfulness is the opposite of getting stoned, but Meharg says it’s critical to developing a healthy relationship with a potentially harmful substance.

“If you’re out to get as high as humanly possible, it’s the same as if you’re out to get as drunk as humanly possible,” says Meharg. “Parents can’t be intoxicated to the point where they can’t care for their children.” Parents need to be mindful about when, where and how they consume cannabis. They also need to be thoughtful about the attitudes and habits they model for their kids.

“Of course, as parents we have to be really careful so that our kids don’t have unintended access to it,” says

Meharg. But that doesn’t mean being secretive.

“We need to talk to our kids about important things. I want my kids to know about this plant, its potential benefits and drawbacks for using high levels of THC.” If you have teenagers, it’s definitely time to talk to them about cannabis. The legal age is 21 for good reason, but just as with alcohol, teenagers will have opportunities to use it. It’s even better to talk early and often with your child about cannabis, using age-appropriate explanations. If your kids know it’s not a taboo subject, you can let them take the lead.

“Making sure that you have an open line of communication with your kids around this and all of the other big subjects is so important. My perspective as a teacher is to talk to kids until they stop asking questions,” says Meharg.

Medical marijuana

Available research supports the effectiveness of cannabis to treat ailments such as migraines, PMS and insomnia.

“Parenting brings on anxiety for so many people, and we have clinical evidence that supports use of this plant for stress reduction, [and to alleviate symptoms of] anxiety and depression,” says Meharg. “I treat it like medicine. I rely on this to be the best mom I can be. But if you’re just looking for a great time on a Friday night, you can have small amounts of cannabis and feel really good and happy and giggly. And then the next morning, wake up feeling totally fine.”

Finding reliable, unbiased information about cannabis can still be a challenge. Meharg recommends the following resources for people who want to learn more.

• Project CBD (projectcbd.org): A neutral source of information used within the industry.

• CannaKeys (cannakeys.com): Provides reports on cannabis research and access to published scientific articles.

• The Cannigma (cannigma.com): An online magazine for a general audience written by cannabis professionals. ■

Seattle-based freelance writer Gemma Alexander focuses on the intersection of parenting and the arts. When she’s not writing for ParentMap, she blogs at gemmadeealexander.com and tweets  @gemmadeetweet.

6 Lessons to Teach Your Kids About Money

Cash in on these practical, easy-to-understand tips

Maybe you’ve started to give your little ones an allowance, or they’ve been pointing to items at the store that they want. Ah, so the lifelong journey of your child’s relationship with money begins! Here are six essential money lessons for kids.

Save for a goal. Introduce the “envelope system” to your children at an early age by designating separate envelopes for saving and spending toward something specific.

Earn money. When your kids are ready to receive an allowance, talk to them about what chores you’d like them to do in exchange.

Spend wisely. Trips to the grocery store with the kids are a great way to teach wise spending. For example, if you have time, help them do some quick comparison shopping between two different jars of pasta sauce.

Decide between needs and wants. Try playing a game with your little ones in which you don’t buy an item they’ve asked for and then see if they remember it in a week.

Share. Create a savings jar specifically for collecting money to donate to a cause the kids care about or to save up for a gift for a loved one.

Borrow responsibly. Offer to loan your child the money for a bike or computer if they save up to pay half of the cost on their own. Sit down and do some research together on how much something costs and the specifics of your “loan agreement.”

— Samantha Paxson

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Out + About

Top 8 Activities for Your Family’s Trip to Sedona, Arizona

Why sunny Sedona is a perfect adventure destination

Story and photos by Camille Gullickson

As a parent who loves outdoor adventures, I am often looking for sunny destinations for our school breaks that aren’t too far from the Pacific Northwest. One place in particular — Sedona, Arizona — has always had a place at the top of my list for its magnificent red rock formations, mild climate and endless blue skies.

We finally took our first trip to this high-desert Arizona town during spring break several years ago, and we loved it so much that we planned another trip this past fall. Spending two solid weeks in this beautiful outdoor-adventure destination during two different

seasons allowed us to revisit our favorite activities and try some new ones. Read on for “family-tested, family-approved” activities in and around Sedona.

Hike to spectacular vistas.

Sedona is a popular hiking destination because of its favorable climate and impressive views, and as a consequence, trails (and parking lots) can be overflowing. By preparing a list of hikes ahead of time, we were able to be flexible, letting go of some ideas and substituting a few trails we hadn’t planned on instead.

A few of our favorite family-friendly hikes in Sedona when our kids were younger included: West Fork of Oak Creek Trail (6.5 miles), a moderate hike, with many creek crossings that keep kids engaged; the Devil’s Bridge Trail (1.8 miles), worth it if you can get a coveted parking spot (cross the bridge if you dare!); Fay Canyon

Trail (2.3 miles), a highlight of our first trip and the first hike we returned to; Doe Mountain Trail (1.5 miles), a moderate loop to the top of a mesa and back, affording dazzling views all along the way; and the Boynton Vista Trail (1.1 miles), a vortex spot featuring interesting spires.

On our most recent trip, we revisited a few wonderful hikes from the first trip, but also added some new ones: Bell Rock (1.8 miles), with its splendid panoramic views and loads of photo opportunities; Chapel Trail (1.3 miles), starting at the Chapel of the Holy Cross and ending in 360-degree red rock views; Subway Cave (lengths and routes variable), our most ambitious hike, involving scrambling up a crevasse into a cave but with a payoff of spotting cliff dwellings; and a nice urban hike along Brewer Trail (1.5 miles) to take in scenic views of Sedona and many nearby red rock landmarks. Tip: Nearly all of the hikes in the area require a Red Rock Pass, and although there are places to get them locally, I bought our seven-day pass ahead of time at recreation.gov.

edgeable docents will take you on a tour of the Sinagua cliff dwellings and to view the pictographs and petroglyphs. The visitor center, housed in the former ranch house of one of the area’s first Euro-American settlers, Charles Willard, also makes an interesting stop.

Tip: This area is only accessible via a long, rough gravel Forest Service road. Consider renting an appropriate adventure vehicle for your Sedona trip. (We chose a compact SUV.)

Visit the Chapel of the Holy Cross at sunset. Chapel of the Holy Cross (chapeloftheholycross.com) is considered one of the top attractions in Sedona. The mid-20th-century chapel, located about 10 minutes from downtown Sedona, is perched among the red rocks and was commissioned by Marguerite Brunswig Staude, a local rancher and sculptor who drew inspiration from the construction of the Empire State Building. The chapel is open 9 a.m.–5 p.m. seven days a week, except for Christmas Day and Easter, and there is no charge to visit or to park (though donations are welcomed).

Explore the ghost town of Jerome and learn about Arizona’s mining history at Jerome State Historic Park.

tional monuments in 1906 by President Theodore Roosevelt because of their historic and cultural significance. The Sinagua 20-room high-rise structure is considered one of the best-preserved prehistoric cliff dwellings in North America. Here, the kiddos can participate in Junior Ranger activities, and overachievers can download the Junior Ranger activity book ahead of time to get a head start.

Marvel at the cliff dwellings and cave paintings at the Palatki and Honanki Heritage Sites.

Visiting the Palatki Heritage Site and its sister site, Honanki, located about 40 minutes from downtown Sedona, was a highlight of our recent visit. Here, you will find the largest cliff dwellings of red rock country, dating A.D. 1150–1350. To visit, you’ll need to make a reservation at the recreation.gov website; once you’re at the sites, knowl-

A visit to the former Wild West copper mining town of Jerome (founded in the late 19th century), located on a hill about 40 minutes southeast of Sedona, makes a fun family day trip. Considered by some to be the “largest ghost town in America,” it’s easy to explore by foot, and you’ll be likely to encounter enough ruins and oddities, such as the Sliding Jail, and shops and galleries to suit your fancy. Be sure to visit Jerome State Historic Park (azstateparks.com), which is devoted to the history of Jerome, area mining and the Douglas family, whose members were influential mining entrepreneurs from the early 20th century.

Become a Junior Ranger at Montezuma Castle National Monument.

Montezuma Castle (nps.gov/moca), located about a half hour’s drive south of Sedona, was one of four sites designated as na-

Visit Lowell Observatory and Flagstaff, the “Home of Pluto,” and stargaze through historic and modern telescopes. Beautiful Flagstaff, a college town in the mountains about 50 minutes north of Sedona by car, is well worth a visit itself. On our most recent trip, we spent an evening attending educational science talks and stargazing at Lowell Observatory (lowell.edu), but you could spend an entire day here if time allows. Lowell Observatory has been in operation for more than 125 years and has contributed to many important scientific discoveries.

Tip: Plan for at least a two-hour-long stay at Lowell Observatory, or longer if you can. Food options can be limited, so don’t come hungry, but you’re welcome to bring snacks or leave for a meal and come back.

Take in awe-inspiring vistas at Grand Canyon National Park. You could see Grand Canyon National Park (nps.gov) in a day because it’s only two hours north of Sedona by car, but spend more time there if you can. Grand Canyon National Park is one of the most famous and most-visited sites in the United States;

the canyon itself may have begun forming 70 million years ago! For my family, our brief day trip meant we only experienced the canyon from vantage points along its rim, but it is truly a natural wonder that is astonishing to experience.

Enjoy a peaceful moment at the Amitabha Stupa and Peace Park.

This serene little outdoor park and spiritual center (tara.org/amitabha-stupa) near downtown Sedona is open every day and is free to visit (although donations are welcomed), making it an easy stop while you are coming and going from town. Here, along the short walking trails, you’ll see the 36-foot-tall Amitabha Stupa, a beautiful mahogany statue of Buddha, an authentic Native American medicine wheel and more. Tip: For a bite or a treat, stop by ChocolaTree (chocolatree.com), a café and chocolate factory serving 100 percent organic, homemade vegetarian fare in a peaceful outdoor patio setting that includes a “no cell phone” tented area.

If you go …

Getting there: The nearest small commercial airport is Flagstaff Pulliam Airport, but most visitors heading to Sedona fly into Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport, which is a two-hour drive from Sedona.

When to go: Spring (March–May) is the perfect time to visit Sedona — and also the most crowded.

Where to stay: Check out U.S. News & World Report’s list of best family hotels in Sedona (travel.usnews.com) for options and inspiration.

Where to eat: Memorable Sedona-area “treateries” include: La Michoacana-Dulce Passion (facebook.com/ sedo.sweet), located in Sinagua Plaza, for mouthwatering and unique Mexican fruit popsicles; Sabrina’s Gourmet Ice Cream (canyon-breeze.com), in Canyon Breeze in uptown Sedona, features a dozen or more flavors of ice cream and a dog- and kid-friendly outdoor patio with great views; and Sono Kitchen (sonokitchen.net) for boba milk tea and nightmarket snacks. For a special dinner, head to Elote Cafe (elotecafe.com) for award-winning modern Mexican and Southwestern cuisine, or René Restaurant (renerestaurantsedona.com) at Tlaquepaque for fabulous Mediterranean cuisine. ■

Camille Gullickson was born in Seattle, raised on Whidbey Island and has been living in Oregon since 2007. Follow her adventures at her blog, Tournesol Adventures (tournesoladventures.com), and on Instagram @tournesoladv.

3 Easy Games From a Drama Teacher’s Bag of Tricks

These fun indoor/outdoor improv games encourage teamwork, imagination and leadership skills

By Laura Wheatman Hill

I’m a drama teacher, and I recently had a group of listless neighborhood kids, mine included, complaining about being bored. They couldn’t agree on what to play and were gearing up for a feud. I dug into my bag of drama teacher tricks and taught them versions of some of my favorite drama games. They loved them. Once taught, these games can be led by one kid, and players can take turns being the leader.

Zip, zap, zop

This game has “outs,” so keep that in mind for sensitive souls. You can eliminate the outs and just play until someone gets bored. Technically, this game can be played without a leader, but it works best with one to act as a judge.

How to play: Kids stand in a circle with the leader on the outside, rotating around the circle, watching, and judging when questions of in or out arise. The leader picks a kid to start. The first kid clearly looks and points at someone across the circle and says “Zip.” That kid looks at someone else, points and says “Zap.” The third person looks across the circle and says “Zop.” The person who was the target of the “Zop” starts the pattern again with “Zip,” and it goes pingponging around the circle until someone hesitates, breaking the rhythm, or says the wrong word. You can make rules about how long of a pause is acceptable and whether or not you’re allowed to tag someone back who just pointed to you. Play goes until the final round, when two people go back and forth saying “Zip, zap, zop, zip, zap, zop” until someone messes up or gives up.

Animal game

How to play: For this game, I have the players think of an animal ahead of time. Sometimes we pick a favorite animal or research the animal they chose, paying special attention to its manner of movement. All the players start by lying on the ground as though they’re asleep.

In the first round, I tell the players to wake up as though they are waking up as their animal in its habitat. As players start to act out

their animals, I coach them through the actions by asking questions and encouraging them to show, not tell. I say, “What do you do first thing? Do you groom or stretch? Or are you looking for food? Are you a predator or prey or both? Show me how you get food. How do you move when you’re hunting? How do you eat? Return to your home and go to sleep, but show me your bedtime routine.”

Other rounds of the game can have the players being their animals and interacting with each other (with clear touch expectations), or they can create human characters based on their animals (a snake-like person or a puppy-like person) and act out made-up scenes based on their characters.

Count to 10

How to play: This game seems very simple, but it is deceptively hard. It works seated, lying down, eyes open or closed, and is best with more than a couple of players. I have the leader say “One.” The group needs to count to 10. The trick is that no two players can say the same thing simultaneously or the game must start over. I usually remind players that they don’t need to say more than one number and should practice sharing the talking. I also make it a rule that you can’t say two numbers in a row. ■

Laura Wheatman Hill lives in Portland, Oregon, with her two children. She writes about everything, and teaches English and drama when not living in an apocalyptic dystopia.

March Play List

Cheery ways to celebrate spring

By Nancy Chaney

Check out many more happenings online at parentmap.com/calendar.

Festivals, plays, gardens and games: Longer days and the dawn of spring are positively blooming with opportunity! We’re throwing off our coats and embracing it all this month; plus, we’re taking a little time to learn some tips and tricks to help our families. Mark your calendar with these top family-time events and begin basking in the increasing light of spring.

� Need a little serenity in your life? Plan a visit to the lovely Seattle Japanese Garden, reopening for spring on Wednesday, March 1. Wander the paths, marvel at the verdant surroundings and feel a sense of calm, even with rowdy tots in tow! March hours are Tuesday–Sunday, 10 a.m.–5 p.m. Admission: $10 adults; $5 youths ages 6–17; kids ages 5 and younger free. seattlejapanesegarden.org

� Our ParentEd Talks series welcomes ADHD expert and best-selling author Dr. Ned Hallowell, who will help families shift their focus on harness-

ing the strengths and power embedded in neurodiversity. Register to tune in on Thursday, March 2, 2–3 p.m., or to receive the recording if you can’t attend at that time. Sliding scale fee of $0–$15. parentmap.com/live

� Celebrate Holi in a truly hands-on way! Kids ages 5 and older and their grown-ups will create their own vibrant works of art using the colored powder featured in typical Holi festivities. Register for one of two workshop sessions offered at KidsQuest Children’s Museum on Friday, March 3 at 4:30 or 6 p.m. Tickets $15 per participant. parentmap.com/holi

� Hopefully, you’ve booked your tix and are putting the finishing touches on your costume for this year’s Emerald City Comic Con. Nerd out with other fans over comics, gaming, anime, pop culture and hulky (hunky!) Mark Ruffalo. This is an allages party, taking place Thursday–Sunday, March 2–5. Tickets $35–$65 per day for adults; kids’ four-day pass $25 (ages 6–12).

parentmap.com/comic-con

� “Travel” the globe in a onestop culture shop during Lacey’s phenomenal Cultural Celebration. This free fest showcases a variety of cultural

Highlighted Events for March

March 2 and 22

ParentEd Talks: Bite-size sessions with parenting experts

Online parentmap.com/live

traditions, features fun activities for kids and inspires a true spirit of community. Saint Martin’s University, Saturday, March 4, 10 a.m.–6 p.m. parentmap.com/lacey

� Book your tickets and stuff your car with pillows and blankets for Kirkland’s winter drive-in movie series at Juanita Beach Park. On Saturday, March 4, catch the fairy-tale-twisting “Enchanted,” rated PG. $20 per car. Gates open at 6 p.m.; movie screens at bedtime-friendly 7 p.m. parentmap.com/wheels-reels

� Join like-minded youth chess players to learn, sharpen your skills and play during Detective Cookie Chess Club sessions, where all are welcome. Club meets Saturdays, March 4, 11, 18 and 25, noon–2 p.m., at the Rainier Beach Community Center in Seattle. Free. parentmap.com/chess-club

� Head to the Stroum Jewish Community Center to join the family Purim festivities. Dance and sing along with kindie rockers The Not-Its!, make masks and crowns, and play carnival games. Purchase tix in advance, $20 kids, $10 adults or $50 for a family pack of five. Sunday, March 5, 10 a.m.–4 p.m. parentmap.com/purim

� Spring is about to spring, and boy, are we ready! Get outside — even if you still need your rain boots and jackets — to frolic in our marvelous parks on two Discover Pass–free days this month: Thursday, March 9, and Sunday, March 19. Might we suggest Cama Beach, Squak Mountain or Saltwater State

March 4–25 | Saturdays

Detective Cookie Chess Club

Rainier Beach Community Center, Seattle parentmap.com/chess-club

Park? parentmap.com/free-day

� Story time is back at The Center for Wooden Boats, featuring captivating storytelling by Sue Kimpton and all of the best seafaring tales. This free story time suits kids ages 4–7 and their families, and takes place the second and fourth Thursday of each month. This month, those fall on March 9 and 23, beginning at 11 a.m. Insider tip: The second Thursday’s story time also presents the opportunity to build a toy boat! parentmap.com/cwb-stories

� Being Irish sounds pretty fun! Try it out during Seattle’s St. Patrick’s Day Parade, marching along Fourth Avenue in downtown Seattle on Saturday, March 11, beginning at 1 p.m. The annual Irish Festival Saturday–Sunday, March 11–12, showcases the music, food, dancing and literature of Ireland. Free. parentmap.com/irish

� Frog and Toad, storybook characters beloved across the ages, come to life on stage in “A Year With Frog and Toad,” a charming musical presented by Tacoma Musical Playhouse. Follow along with the pair of friends, one cheerful and one rather grumpy, as they share their friendship throughout the seasons. Playing March 11–19.

Tickets $12–$15. parentmap.com/frog-toad

� Abracadabra! Claim your tix to this enchanting family magic show — back in person and still free! Magician Raymond’s captivating show incorporates illusions, comedy and even

mind reading for an interactive fun time for families. Two shows take place on Saturday, March 18, at 1 and 2:30 p.m. parentmap.com/magic-show

� Dive into the fascinating universe of groundbreaking stop-motion animation studio Laika, based in Oregon, in “Hidden Worlds,” a worldpremiere exhibit at MoPOP. Laika brought to life popular family films such as “Coraline,” “ParaNorman” and “The Box Trolls.” Check out artifacts and interactive displays, and get a sneak peek at the studio’s newest film. Opens Saturday, March 18. Admission $31 and up. mopop.org

� Join les réjouissances at French Fest to celebrate and learn about the music, dance, foods and traditions of vari-

March 5 |

Sunday

Community Purim Festival

Stroum Jewish Community Center, Mercer Island parentmap.com/purim

ous French-speaking cultures around the globe. Need we say more than baguette-tasting contest? Part of the Festál cultural series, French Fest takes place at Seattle Center on Sunday, March 19. Free. parentmap.com/french-fest

� In our second ParentEd Talks presentation this month, cultural researcher and parenting expert Jessica Joelle Alexander shares her tips and tools for bringing up the happiest, most well-adjusted kids in the world. A tall order? We’re here to give it a go. Preregister to join on Wednesday, March 22, 1–2 p.m., or to receive the recording if you can’t attend. Sliding scale fee of $0–$15. parentmap.com/live ■

Nancy Chaney is ParentMap’s Out + About editor

SPONSORED EVENTS

March 13

Jason Reynolds

Join SAL (Seattle Arts & Lectures) for a conversation with Jason Reynolds, a National Ambassador for Young People’s Literature and the bestselling author of books for young readers. lectures.org/event/jason-reynolds

March 18

Seattle Kraken Mascot Madness Night

Buoy is bringing his mascot buddies to Climate Pledge Arena to take over the Kraken game on March 18. nhl.com/kraken/fans/ giveaways

The Essentials for a Montessori Playroom

Principles, toys and products to guide your child toward Montessori play

By Sanya Pelini, Ph.D.

When Maria Montessori first began working with orphans in rural Italy, she found that certain resources and the way in which she organized her classrooms made it easier for children to develop important skills.  Montessori based her educational philosophy on specific principles: active learning, experimentation, critical thinking, daydreaming and invention.

Here are five principles — and accompanying toy ideas — to assist you when setting up a Montessori-style playroom.

1. Accessibility

Montessori believed that children should be allowed to engage with whatever was of interest to them, for as long as they desired. It is therefore important for them to be able to access their play objects by themselves. This is why many Montessori-style playrooms feature  Montessori play shelves (you can find inexpensive versions online) that allow you to easily display all of your child’s toys.

2. Purposefulness

Montessori-inspired toys are not just about distraction; their main purpose is to promote engagement and to help your child develop specific skills, such as fine and gross motor skills, or spatial and visual discrimination skills.

The Montessori 100 board is designed to help a child understand how numbers work

in a sequence, and it allows kids to correct their mistakes by themselves. The Wooden Wobble Balance Board can help them develop a sense of balance and work on their gross motor skills. Good-quality stacking toys are common in Montessori-style playrooms because they help children to practice their creativity and to work on their fine motor skills.

3. Simplicity

Montessori believed in simplicity, both in terms of simple toys and minimal distraction. She believed that less mess led to greater learning.

Proposing a limited number of toys and activities is an easy way to follow Montessori principles in your playroom. This increases engagement by limiting distraction. If your child has too many toys, consider selecting approximately six toys at any given time, then rotate them occasionally. Being attentive to their interests and their actual capacities can help you determine the best toys for them.

4. Open-endedness

Open-ended toys encourage your child to use their imagination and develop their creativity and critical-thinking skills. Wooden blocks are a good example of a simple, open-ended Montessori-inspired toy. Kids love durable wooden blocks, such as Tegu magnetic wooden blocks. Kids can use them to learn about colors and shapes, or build anything that they can imagine!

Balance boards such as the Kinderfeets balance board also make great openended toys. In addition to teaching about balance, coordination and spatial awareness, they can be used by your child in a variety of ways: as a bridge, a balance board, a fort and many other objects.

5. Ordered

In a Montessori-style playroom, each object has its own place, and the objective is to allow your child to choose their toys and activities — then put them back in the same spot — by themselves. The following ideas could help with this:

• Provide kids with a child-size broom and dustpan set to help them participate more readily and easily in age-appropriate chores.

• Install low shelves in your home to make it easier for your child to participate in everyday household chores, such as setting the table or putting away dishes.

• Use a standing tower to make it easier for them to reach the countertop, sink or the dinner table by themselves and to encourage their participation in everyday life. ■

Sanya Pelini, Ph.D., transforms educational research into practical tools and resources on her blog Raising Independent Kids (raising-independent-kids.com).

Our mission is to encourage, support, and advocate for excellent Montessori education. Search our School Directory to find your local Montessori Schools.

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Parenting Toolbox

10 Tips for Effective Commands

By Karen Pavlidis, Ph.D.

Do you feel like your child doesn’t listen?

Do you find yourself repeating yourself 10, 20, 50 times?

Do you have to raise your voice in order for your child to comply?

It’s typical for children to be noncompliant. Some are passively noncompliant, such as when the child ignores you, stalls or dismisses you when you make a request. Others are outright defiant with a clear “No!” or “You can’t make me!”

Some kids respond to a parent’s demands by becoming verbally or physically aggressive — or launching into a full-blown tantrum. These more extreme negative responses are generally less typical and can signal a need to incorporate new strategies. A child’s temperament has a lot to do with their level of compliance. Some kids are easy and agreeable, while others come into this world wired to be more reactive and irritable.

Regardless of your child’s temperament, there are factors to keep in mind that will help you to be more successful in gaining your child’s cooperation.

If I had to pick a single tip … Before you make a request of your child, be sure that you are within arm’s length

of them. Why? Because you can expect about a 50 percent uptick in cooperation with just this one strategy. When you are at arm’s length, you are more likely to have your child’s attention. It’s easier to convey that you are going to follow through with your request. Also, you are more likely to notice that maybe this isn’t a good time to make a request of your child. You might be more effective if you wait for your child to finish what they are doing before delivering a demand. Or maybe you can see that they are having a hard day and that a request to clean the cat box will send them over the edge.

Caveats: When it comes to tweens and teens, it’s probably sufficient if you are simply in the same room and not as close as at arm’s length. Another caveat is if your child is already in a negative mood, it may be best to disengage rather than to move in close with a command. Adult proximity can set off physical aggression in some children if they are already frustrated.

Here are 10 additional strategies to improve the chances that your child will listen to you:

1. Use a command, not a question.

If it’s important for your child to comply, phrase the request as a command. While the word “command” may feel at odds with your parenting style, you should know that your tone and sentence structure will cue your child to when you mean business. If it’s important to you that your child comply, phrase your request as a command: “Please take your plate to the sink.”

When communicating a command, avoid the traps of having to explain yourself or argue your case. Give the reason before you give the command (“We have to leave in five minutes, so it’s time to put on your shoes.”) If your child protests and then you give the reason, it’s an invitation for your child to argue, debate and negotiate.

2. Use your child’s name.

“Carlos, please take your plate to the sink.”

Strategies to improve the chances that your child will listen

continued from page 39 3. Be specific.

Instead of saying, “Clear away these toys,” try: “Put the Legos back in the bin.” It’s best to avoid “chain commands.” Chain commands are when you list multiple tasks at once. Keep your commands to one task at a time. An exception is if you feel confident that your child knows the steps and is capable of following them without your guidance. For example, it’s okay to say “get ready for bed” if your child can manage each step by themselves. Otherwise, you’ll have to break it down one step at a time. The degree of specificity that you need to offer will depend on your child’s developmental level and self-management skills.

4. Reduce the number of commands and requests that you make of your child. Keep a mental tally of how many requests you make of your child in a day. If you are in the double digits, step back and consider what you would like to prioritize. Some children perceive frequent requests as an onslaught and get really good at tuning out their parents. Also, it’s hard to follow through if you are issuing dozens of commands a day to your child. You risk training your child to think that they don’t need to take what you say seriously.

When my kids were young and I picked them up from playdates, I announced to them on arrival that it was time to go. They quickly learned that although I said this, I reliably spent the next 30 minutes socializing with the other parent. In essence, I trained my kids to ignore my instructions about ending the playdate. It would have been better if I had waited until I was done socializing to tell them that we were leaving.

5. Use ‘start commands’ instead of ‘stop commands.’ Imagine that your child is bouncing a ball in the house. Your head feels like it will explode if that bouncing doesn’t stop. Instead of saying, “Knock it off” or “Stop bouncing that ball,” it usually works better to tell your

The reason to make the distinction between a question and a command is that your child will learn that a command signals that you mean business.

child what you do want them to do. You can say, “Put the ball back in the garage.” It can work even better to be creative with a non sequitur: “Go tell your sister that dinner is ready.”

I’ll never forget the time when my son discovered that the kitchen light switch was in reach of his seat at mealtime. He repeatedly switched the light off and on. I fell into all of the usual traps: “Knock it off,” “Stop it,” “That’s annoying!” He ignored me. Then I reminded myself to think like a behaviorist. I said, “Hey, bud, do me a favor and check to see if we’re running low on toilet paper in the bathroom.” He gave me a puzzled look but went to check. He cheerfully returned to say, “Looks good!” The light switching was over.

6. Cue your child.

Let your child know that you are about to ask them to do something and, in a sense, cheerlead them into complying: “Hey Amanda, I’m about to ask you to do something and I’m looking for good listening on the first request!” When you give the command, it’s important that you not raise your voice, but it’s okay to alter your tone a bit to cue your child’s attention (perhaps by enunciating and emphasizing your words) — though you should still keep your tone neutral.

7. Praise compliance, even if your child is rude.

A lot of parents get tripped up on this one. It’s easy to get distracted by a child’s grumbling, negative attitude or back talk. Ignore the nasty tones or verbalizations. If your child yells, “I’m sick of you always telling me what to do!” as they leave to take out the garbage, you say, “Thanks for helping out. I really appreciate it!”

Social praise is great to offer whenever your child does what you say, regardless of any negativity. Of course, you’ll want to express appreciation of your child’s positive attitude when it’s there!

8. Use a reward system (beyond praise).

This is not a long-term solution, but it can help to create a more positive tone if there has been tension related to your child’s noncompliance. The effective use of rewards is a science and an art.

9. Say it once.

If you find that your child jumps into action only after you’ve repeated yourself 10 (or more) times, then you have probably trained them not to listen to you. Most parents find that they have to raise their voice before their child will comply. This is an

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continued from page 41 incredibly common cycle. If you don’t plan to follow through, then don’t give a command. Instead, ask your child to do something, phrasing it as a question, and drop it if they don’t comply.

If you plan to follow through, then phrase your request as a command. The reason to make the distinction between a question and a command is that your child will learn that a command signals that you mean business. Stay close to your child and stare at them until they comply. (Do not glare — you must keep your affect soft; this is not about intimidation.) Your child may find this awkward and comply just so that you’ll move on.

10. Use consequences for noncompliance. Consequences are a form of mild punishment. Punishment is commonly overused and can make a situation worse. The effective use of consequences is an extensive topic. It’s best to work with a trained professional on how to be successful with consequences and avoid the ways that consequences can backfire.

Try to prioritize the other strategies discussed in this article with the understanding that some children really do need a structured system of consequences. If you choose to use consequences, then you will be looking for compliance within five to 10 seconds. It’s a lot of work to teach your child that you will follow through with a consequence, so it’s best to start this on a quiet weekend afternoon and not when you are rushed to get out the door in the morning.

Even if you follow these strategies to a T, it’s unlikely that your child will be perfectly compliant. For example, most strong-willed children struggle a great deal when their parents instruct them to transition away from a screen device (or, for avid readers, a book). These situations may require a more specialized set of strategies than what is covered in this article. In general, the aim is for you to feel that you are communicating more effectively and to reduce conflict and frustration in your household. Effective commands are a key strategy but are only one aspect of improving household harmony and child behavior. ■

Karen Pavlidis, Ph.D., is a child clinical psychologist who has been in private practice in Seattle for almost 20 years. She is the founder of Child and Teen Solutions (childandteensolutions.com), and holds a faculty appointment as a clinical instructor in the Department of Psychology at the University of Washington.

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Ages + Stages

A PAT for Parents of Teens

A new PEPS program provides help for parents in the teen trenches

By Gemma Alexander

Everybody knows that being a new parent is terrifying. But by the time your child hits the adolescent years, people generally expect you to have a handle on things. Adolescence, that transitional phase of growth and development between childhood and adulthood, is a time of great opportunity and risk — and vulnerability. Both parents and adolescents need empowering support, research-driven information and resources. Now, parents have a new resource and community to turn to during this period of newness and rapid change: Parents of Adolescents and Teens (PAT) (peps.org), a new PEPS program to support people raising teenagers.

The Program for Early Parent Support, or PEPS, has been providing parent peer support in the Puget Sound region for 40 years. Generations of new parents have found community and knowledge in the organization’s neighborhood peer-support programs. And many of them have voiced a desire for the same kind of support once their children reach their teen years.

“PEPS is basically about parents supporting other parents through a very difficult transitional time,” says Melanie Roper, program director at PEPS. “The adolescent period is surprisingly difficult for some

folks. Parents experience a lot of conflicting emotions about their kids’ increasing autonomy. The brain is under construction during adolescence, which impacts kids’ self-control, their emotions, risk-taking behaviors — everything. There are supports built for teens, but not their parents. A lot of parents feel ill-equipped to navigate these big changes,” says Roper.

The difficulties of the teen years can make parents feel isolated.

Julie Ellett is a PAT facilitator who helped develop some of the PAT curriculum. The Austin-based therapist notes, “When you

have a baby, you see somebody else with a baby and it’s an instant connection. That visual is absent when you have teens. You don’t get that same connection with others.”

The PEPS philosophy of parents finding community and supporting each other is the foundation for PAT. But the details were built on the needs and feedback of caregivers in the throes of parenting teens.

Parents of Adolescents and Teens Program

The PAT program is open to solo parents, caregivers, couples and co-parents who have children ages 10–19 years, i.e.,

continued from page 45

anyone who is responsible for a teenager is a “parent.” Each PAT group is led by a group leader trained in adolescent development and group facilitation.

“There is a learning curriculum for the PAT program where parents are learning a lot about what happens developmentally for their kids. But, at the same time, there is that huge peer-support component, which is the bedrock of what we do at PEPS,” says Roper.

Groups meet for two hours each week for nine consecutive weeks. Every session follows a formula: an opportunity to share successes and challenges from the previous week; a presentation of a curriculum topic; skill-building activities; and a breakout session. Parents also receive a community-specific list of resources for getting more information and support outside of the group. There are often assignments to try out during the week.

“Parents have shared that they really walk away with some tools in their toolboxes on things that work not only for their teens but just for better family communication as a whole. Even though I’m delivering information, it really is about the parents connecting with one another and giving encouragement,” says Ellett.

Flexibility is key

Flexibility turned out to be a major theme for developing the PAT program. The time crunch faced by teens’ caregivers, for

whom ferrying multiple children to sports and other activities can be almost a second job, meant that physically attending weekly meetings isn’t possible for a lot of them. Despite initial concerns that virtual groups wouldn’t build the same sense of community, so far, all groups in the yearold program have met online.

“At PEPS, we realize that we may not be the best people to serve every family, so we work with partners who are embedded in specific communities,” says Roper. For Spanish-speaking families, PEPS partners with Sistema Escolar USA (sistemaescolarusa.com) and ChildStrive (childstrive.org) to offer groups in Spanish. PEPS also offers PAT programs in partnership with Bainbridge Youth Services (askbys.org) for parents of adolescents and teens living on Bainbridge Island. Additionally, PEPS partners with  Mercer Island Healthy Youth Initiative  (mihealthyyouth.com) and City of Mercer Island Youth & Family Services (mercerisland.gov/yfs) to offer PAT groups for families living on Mercer Island.

“To be honest, it has been such a treat for people to have that flexibility in their schedules. They’re able to pop on from the car, meet while they’re at their kid’s sports practice or join during lunchtime without having to leave their office in the middle of the day,” says Ellett. Even so, PEPS is looking into adding in-person PAT groups to support families that don’t want another Zoom meeting in their week or don’t have reliable internet access.

Tailored community

Parents with multiple teens and those who appreciate a wider range of perspectives can choose to join a group of parents whose teens fall into the 10- to 19-yearold range. Those who prefer a more age-specific focus can join groups just for the 10–14 or 15–19 age ranges.

Tailored topics

While a handful of topics dominate infant care, the issues that adolescents face are myriad. With generous grants from King County Best Starts for Kids and the Apex/ Bruce & Jolene McCaw Family Foundation, PEPS developed the PAT curriculum based on more than a dozen topics. The formulation of curriculum and a blueprint for brand-new discussion topics were developed using resources from other evidence-based programs, along with guidance from professionals in family therapy and in adolescent and teen mental health. Discussion and resources on the topics of adolescent mental health and brain development are presented in every group. In the groups that have chosen to discuss it, the topic of gender identity has been life-changing for some parents.

“Parenting, it’s a total beatdown and also it’s the best.”

“We have lived in a very binary world, and now this generation is talking about things very differently. They’re parsing sexuality and gender from very different ways of approaching the world. It gives us a chance to learn not just what this means for our particular kid, but [for] the world at large,” says Ellett.

Every group has asked for conversations on effective communication with adolescents and managing parental stress, which they often use to help teens deal with their own stress. The topic of the social and online world of adolescents, which can include discussions on dating, social media and bullying, is also a popular choice.

Peer support

“There have been cases where parents have needed more than just the supportiveness of peers,” says Ellett. When that happens, the facilitators can privately connect caregivers with professional help and resources. Learning to recognize mental health red flags can be literally lifesaving. But even for families with less serious problems, the curriculum can make life easier.

“We know from research that the better the parent is doing, the better the child will do,” says Roper. What is even more valuable than the knowledge parents gain from PAT is the emotional support and the knowledge that they’re not alone.

“Parenting, it’s a total beatdown and also it’s the best. We’re all trying. We are all failing,” says Ellett. Herself the parent of 17-year-old twins, she says it’s invaluable for parents to see each other’s similar struggles. PAT is helping parents build community. Some group participants are meeting outside of sessions, and sometimes continue to text and get together when the program is over. Some parents have valued the experience so much that they’ve signed up to go through the program again.

Learn more about the PEPS PAT program and register for a PAT group today. Groups are available in English and Spanish, with weekday and weeknight options available. Flexible pricing program fees and financial assistance are available for all programs. ■

Seattle-based freelance writer Gemma Alexander focuses on the intersection of parenting and the arts. When she’s not writing for ParentMap, she blogs at gemmadeealexander.com and tweets  @gemmadeetweet.