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Destination: Discovery Park 10 awesome things to do with kids at Seattle’s best park
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How to Stop Yelling at Your Kids Effective strategies to reach a calmer approach to family conflict
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PNW INSIDE + OUT
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Building Relationship Resilience in Tough Times 10 3 mindfulness techniques to radically shift your marriage mindset
Start Talking Now 6 COVID-19 is harming teens’ mental health — parents, you can help EDUCATION
Cultivating Global Citizenship 15 6 bilingualism resources to support language-learning efforts at home Bugs and Bats and Birds — Oh, My! 18 Hands-on activities for kids who love all things that creep, crawl and fly MOTHER’S DAY FUN
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AGES + STAGES
How to Stop Yelling at Your Kids Effective strategies to reach a calmer approach to family conflict
28
Family Fun May Day, Play Day! 15 fun ways to frolic and learn as a fam this month
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Destination: Discovery Park 22 10 awesome things to do with kids at Seattle’s best park
“What if we were to teach our children to see difference with eyes of wonder and curiosity, and not judgement and ridicule?” p. 15
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Mama mia! Consult our tip sheet of fab ways to customize the perfect Mother’s Day for Mom.
22 Photo by Nancy Chaney
PARENT DAY JOBS
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DE AR R E ADER
My mom is my hero
MAY 2021, VOL. 18, NO. 5
What is your favorite Mother’s Day tradition?
PUBLISHER
Alayne Sulkin EDITORIAL
Recently, I was searching the ParentMap website for Earth-Dayrelated content to bring forward from our vast archives. The search term “sustainability” unburied a blast from my editor past — a Mother’s Day appreciation I wrote about my mother in 2012. For reasons I won’t go into here, my mother, who turned 86 last month, has of late been inhabiting my brain space more than the typical constant mother-daughter norm. During this month, when we celebrate our favorite nurturing women (p. 17), I hope you will allow this sentimental partial reprint about the best mother I will ever know: Patty Senior! … Many daughters grow up to hear: “Oh, you’re just like your mother!” This, so much of the time, can be a dreaded utterance for most to hear. While in demonstrable ways my mother and I are very much alike (and this seems to be more and more remarked upon as the years go by), in my case, I have grown up wishing I could be more like my mother — in so many, many ways. My mother spent her entire life in unstinting service to others — to her family, her friends, her community, and to the generations of patients she cheerfully and competently helped for decades as a nurse, caregiver and volunteer. Though my family was materially secure, my parents were nonetheless paradigms of excessive self-sufficiency and unalloyed resilience — they provided my brother and me with an extremely healthy, active, community-conscious life that in any century would win a sustainability award. Unfailingly kind, fun-loving and funny as all get-out, my mother lives by rascally twin adages: “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all” and “If you can’t say anything nice … sit next to me.” To this day, this is my favorite type of person. I’ll never fully reckon where my mama mined those unending reserves of energy, effort and enthusiasm (let’s be real) to work fulltime, manage our household so well, and still somehow have time to be a Girl Scouts leader, Meals on Wheels stalwart, election volunteer, school and museum volunteer, and tireless booster of her children’s athletic and academic pursuits. One of the most enduring gifts my parents imparted to us was the example of how they lived with such integrity, purpose and compassion: We learned, quite simply, to take care of ourselves, to get on with things without “bellyaching” and to always try to help other people who can’t do for themselves easily, for whatever reason. I fear I am in many ways a rather faint rubber stamp of my mother, but I honor every day what an extraordinary person she is and all she did to make me the person I am. Mamas, we love you. — Patty Lindley, managing editor
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To play a little game I like to call “Talk to the Hand”
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Wellness
Start Talking Now COVID-19 is harming teens’ mental health — parents, you can help By Gemma Alexander
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The past pandemic year has been difficult, especially for teens. Peers are more important now than at any other time of a teen’s life, and establishing independence is the primary developmental task. Yet for the past 13 months, they’ve been at home, missing in-person school and activities, and navigating their social lives by video chat. It’s no wonder that as many as 40 percent of Washington’s teens are experiencing levels of anxiety and depression significant enough to interfere in their daily lives. But parents can help their kids develop protective factors against mental illness, even in the midst of severe stress.
Promoting teen resiliency through the pandemic Start Talking Now (starttalkingnow.org) was developed as a resource for preventing teen substance abuse. In response to the pandemic’s intensification of anxiety and stress among teens, the website has expanded to provide broader mental health resources for teens and their families. “We want to get teens and parents to connect during the pandemic and help normalize the fact that everyone is struggling right now,” says Tona McGuire, Ph.D., a
pediatric psychologist and a co-lead for the Washington State Department of Health’s Behavioral Health Strike Team. When teens are struggling, it tends to show up as “acting out” or “acting in.” Acting out can include sneaking out of the house, using drugs, or being defiant and combative with family members. Acting in may result in teens spending all of their time locked in their bedrooms. Many parents understand that teens benefit when we provide firm boundaries and structure. But fewer of us are familiar with protective factors, which are psychological, biological, family and community conditions that help lower the likelihood of problem outcomes or that reduce the negative impact of a risk factor on problem outcomes.
If your family doesn’t already talk about feelings a lot, the prospect of starting to do so during the teen years — and during a period of high stress at that — is daunting. Protective factors Connection, resilience, flexibility and a sense of purpose are protective factors against stress. “Protective factors help people to keep moving forward in the middle of a disaster. They can be learned and practiced, regardless of temperament,” says McGuire. Whether a teen turns inward or outward when faced with trouble, you can help them develop these factors. • Setting goals: Setting goals gives people a sense of purpose and helps internalize belief in a positive future. The present may be both boring and awful, but it’s easier to handle when you are optimistic about future opportunities. Talk to your teen about what they want to do in the future and help them make post-pandemic plans.
They reached out for you then.
Reach out to them now. Many teens are feeling stressed, anxious, and isolated due to COVID-19. You can help. Connect with your teen and help them identify and manage these feelings.
Find resources and tips for effective conversations at StartTalkingNow.org
• Building healthy habits: It’s hard to maintain good habits when our normal routines are disrupted. But
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W EL L N ES S
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eating well and getting enough sleep and exercise boost health and mood. Provide structure (such as regular mealtimes), which facilitates good habits, and talk to your teen about why healthy habits are so important. Together with your teen, strategize ways to strengthen good habits. • Developing coping skills: Conversations about meditation and mindfulness can induce eye rolls, even in adults. But it’s important for teens to identify activities that help them feel better when they are feeling stressed or anxious. With your teen, find ways to incorporate those activities into their life, even during lockdown — whether it’s backyard volleyball after dinner, weekend hikes, a daily arts break or simply counting to 10 and breathing deeply when things feel out of control.
Start Talking Now
Notice of Nondiscriminatory Policy As To Students The Parent Advisory Council of Parent Cooperative Preschools admits students of any race, color, national and ethnic origin to all the rights, privileges, programs, and activities generally accorded or made available to students at the school. It does not discriminate on the basis of race, color, or national and ethnic origin in distraction of its educational policies, admissions policies, scholarship and loan programs, and athletic and other school-administered programs.
North and South Seattle Cooperative Preschools have openings for the 2021/22 school year. Please see websites for more information.
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If your family doesn’t already talk about feelings a lot, the prospect of starting to do so during the teen years — and during a period of high stress at that — is daunting. But McGuire says no matter what kind of front our teens put up, they are listening and do want to be heard. So, your first job is to make them feel comfortable opening up. “If your kid is willing to talk, unless the house is on fire or somebody is bleeding, you need to drop everything and focus on that conversation,” says McGuire. If they aren’t opening up first, be prepared to throw out some low-key prompts or conversational segues and wait for them to take the bait. If you’re stuck for ideas, Start Talking Now has developed a Truth or Challenge game with conversation starters. If subtlety isn’t your style or you’re worried there’s a serious problem, take a more direct approach. “I would 100 percent say make sure you’re in a safe space, sit them down and approach it head-on. Make sure you have the resources and tools you need to build out that conversation. It’s super important to
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be very open with your teen,” says Laney Brackett, a 16-year-old Teen Link volunteer.
Teen Link Teen Link (teenlink.org) is a free, confidential statewide helpline that teens can access by calling, texting or chatting in order to connect with a trained teen volunteer. Adults may also call Teen Link to speak with a clinician specializing in substance use prevention.
When parents train themselves to listen well, kids become more willing to talk. “Teen Link is best at providing teens support in a way that parents never could. Talking with another teen can offer a supportive and understanding perspective on teen issues. It can also be really helpful to talk to other individuals your own age because we often experience similar challenges and stressors,” says Brackett. That makes the helpline a good resource for parents to suggest when kids feel uncomfortable talking to them. And if your teen is already using Teen Link, Brackett has advice. “Definitely feel proud. Using Teen Link means that your teen is brave enough to start to reach out and work to get the support that they need. I would advise sitting down with your teen and discussing what brought them to Teen Link. Some people just want to talk to a friend, and others are in much more dire situations and may need to discuss reasons to continue living,” says Brackett. Among the most common themes Brackett hears on Teen Link is that teens are feeling too much pressure from their parents and want their parents to grant them more independence. The spike in mental illness during the pan-
demic has many therapists fully booked right now. If there is a serious problem, McGuire suggests reaching out to your child’s primary care provider as a first step in seeking professional help.
Positive parenting. Happy kids.
The most important part of the conversation Whether you’re having a discussion about Teen Link or another topic, how you listen matters more than what you say. When your teen is talking, listen without judgment. Don’t interrupt and don’t plan your response. Even if it feels hokey, try recapping what they tell you, starting with “What I hear is that …” You might find out you missed the point, which is okay, too. Even if you’re wrong about your original understanding, you are still sending the message that you are engaged and trying to find out what their concerns are. Be curious and ask questions. When parents train themselves to listen well, kids become more willing to talk. “Sometimes kids are talking to you because they want you to help them solve a problem, but often they just want to talk through the problem and have somebody who is really, really listening to them,” says McGuire. Listening while your teen talks through a problem is a way to let them practice developing solutions on their own during this health crisis and once it’s over. You might not be able to change the circumstances right now, but these conversations are providing the connection that is crucial for teens and parents if they are to come through the pandemic whole and healthy.
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FE ATUR E
FREE ParentEd Talk
Build Relationship Resilience With Three Simple but Important Practices By Nate Klemp, Ph.D., and Kaley Klemp
The 80/80 Marriage: Shifting From Fairness to Radical Generosity FEATURING
Top tips for strengthening your marriage — even in tough times Being married with kids in the modern age is the perfect recipe for the occasional — or constant — experience of chaos and feeling overwhelmed. The challenge starts with marriage. We’re faced with the daunting task of sharing our space, our priorities, our financial resources, and even our time and energy with another person — ’til death do us part. That’s typically followed by the challenge of raising children. These amazing little beings demand our constant care and attention, and they rarely, if ever, comply with our plans, schedules or sleep and “me time” preferences. Then comes living in the context of modern life, in which we’re perpetually barraged with text messages, emails, phone calls and the bottomless stream of social
media. Not only are these digital intrusions distracting, but seeing all of those glorious photos of other couples and families offers a constant reminder of our own deepest fears and insecurities. All that is to say that being married with kids isn’t easy. Quite the opposite. And right now, we’re navigating a unique state of affairs that threatens our connection with our partner, our ability to stay present with our kids and, let’s face it, our sanity. As if that weren’t enough, there’s one more problem: Our habitual solution to these circumstances often backfires. Faced with such challenges, our tendency is to change everything around us. We desperately try to change our spouse — to make them more loving and engaged. We try to change our children — to make them listen and stop waking up screaming at 2 a.m.
Nate Klemp, Ph.D., and Kaley Klemp Join ParentMap for a free webinar in which participants will learn several of the key insights and tools related to the 80/80 relationship model, which involves a shift in mindset from trying to make everything in a marriage 50/50-fair to a mindset of radical generosity.
Thursday, May 13 7 p.m. parentmap.com/live
But it’s a strategy doomed to fail. You can’t turn your partner into the “perfect” mate. You can’t coerce or cajole a 2-yearold to enter a deep, uninterrupted sleep every night with perfect precision. In
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continued from page 11
fact, marriage and parenting are a testament to the inconvenient truth that the more we try to control the world around us, the more we begin to feel totally out of control. There’s a better way to confront this challenge, and it starts with shifting our attention from the outer to the inner world. It’s the practice of building new habits of resilience. This shift is like the one advised in an ageold proverb: “You don’t have to find enough leather to cover the surface of the earth to protect your feet. All you have to do is make yourself shoes.” Likewise, you can’t alter your partner’s annoying habits, your kid’s acting out or the world itself. But you can shift the way you experience them. That’s the shift to resilience. Here’s how to do it.
Learn more at wastate529.wa.gov GET and DreamAhead are qualified tuition programs sponsored and distributed by the State of Washington. The Committee on Advanced Tuition Payment and College Savings administers and the Washington Student Achievement Council supports the plans. DreamAhead investment returns are not guaranteed and you could lose money by investing in the plan. If in-state tuition decreases in the future, GET tuition units may lose value.
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1. Shift your relationship mindset.
We interviewed more than 100 people about their marriages for our recent book, “The 80/80 Marriage”
(8080marriage.com). What we found is that almost every modern couple falls into the trap of 50/50 fairness. It’s a mindset in relationships that leads you to keep an elaborate mental scorecard of everything you do and, often, everything your partner doesn’t do. The problem with this mindset of fairness is that it destroys relationship resilience. The moment things get stressful, the moment dinnertime conversation turns tense, this natural desire for fairness leads to a downward spiral of resentment, stress and hurt feelings. To boost relationship resilience, the key is to begin changing your relationship mindset. Instead of striving for 50/50 fairness, see what happens when you shift your mindset to what we call “radical generosity.” Try going beyond doing your “fair share.” Try striving to contribute to your marriage and your life together at
“Delightful: A must-have!” — American Camp Association
80 percent or more. We understand the math doesn’t work and that this may seem crazy. But here’s a simple way to start experiencing this shift: Contribute one radically generous act each day. Unload the dishwasher three times in a row, leave your partner a love note on their bedside table or make them a cup of coffee in the morning.
2. Create more mental space.
When we interviewed modern couples, we also found that you can distill the modern experience of marriage and parenting into two words: no space. There’s often no space for date nights and connection as a couple. There’s often no space on the calendar to pursue our individual interests and hobbies. There’s often no space from the demands of work and career. And yet there’s another, subtler form of
“Transformative!” — Teen Magazine
space that’s missing. It’s what we call mental space or headspace. Mental space gives you the superhuman ability to experience a stinging criticism from your partner or the shock of walking into your child’s room and noticing they just projectile-vomited all over their bed without losing your cool. It’s that instantaneous mental pause that gives you the opportunity to respond rather than react, to take a couple of breaths instead of acting on your worst impulses. To create more mental space, you might try a simple mindfulness practice. Set aside five to 10 minutes each day, close your eyes and bring your full attention to the sensations of each breath. When your mind wanders to thoughts about the past or the future, just notice and bring your attention back to the breath. The science on mindfulness is clear. It cultivates greater
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continued from page 13
focus, decreases anxiety and enhances resilience when we’re faced with stress.
3. “Un-distract” yourself.
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You’ve surely heard the maxim “You are what you eat.” In relationships and in parenting, it’s equally true to say, “You are what you watch, listen to and place your attention on.” In other words, when it comes to the information we take in, if we allow ourselves to constantly consume digital junk food — a steady diet of Netflix binging, social media scrolling, news addiction and more — we’re reinforcing the habits of a scattered, anxious and irritated mind. We’re also often showing up for our spouse and our children in the state that psychologist Linda Stone calls “continuous partial attention,” a state in which we’re rarely, if ever, fully focused on one thing. To boost resilience, consider how you can begin consuming information more mindfully. Here are some strategies:
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• Put away your phones after 7 p.m. each night. • Kick your phones and other devices out of the bedroom. • Create dedicated time for emails, social media, news and texting, so that these sources of digital distraction don’t consume your attention during every waking hour.
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Our school community allows adults to know each and ever scholar by name, strength and need. We pride ourselves on building and maintaining close relationships with scholars and families.
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Marriage isn’t easy. Parenting isn’t easy. Navigating the distractions of modern life isn’t easy. And yet, if we can build some of these small habits of resilience, we can experience a modern superpower. We can cultivate the rare ability to stay calm during even the most challenging moments in life.
■
Nate and Kaley Klemp are the co-authors of “The 80/80 Marriage: A New Model for a Happier, Stronger Marriage.” Nate is a founding partner of Mindful (mindful.org), one of the world’s largest mindfulness media and training companies. Kaley is one of the nation’s leading experts on small-group dynamics and leadership development.
LO CAL R ES O UR CES / WO R L D L ANGUAGES
How Bilingualism Helps Children Become Citizens of the World “What if we were to teach our children to see difference with eyes of wonder and curiosity, and not judgment and ridicule?” asks Erin Jones, a local education and systems consultant who teaches global citizenship. Sounds great, but what, you ask, is global citizenship and why does it matter? April Rinne, a consultant focused on the new economy, the future of work and global citizenship, writes: “Equally important is to understand what global citizenship is not: It does not mean having a lot of passport stamps, being a globe-trotter or a multinational corporation. Global citizenship is about values and mindset.” So, how can we inspire and cultivate global-mindedness in our children? Luckily, there are many ways parents can support this idea of “global-minded education” at home and with kids of all ages, and one of the best is to support their child in learning a second language. Knowing a second language is hugely helpful in developing a global citizen mindset. Aside from providing access to information through conversations, untranslated books and international news sources, “There are a lot of studies connecting brain development to language learning. But also, there is a human connection that can happen through the simple sharing of language,”
Can a simple mindset shift transform your relationship?
says Thad Williams, Ph.D., international education administrator for Seattle Public Schools. While gaining fluency in a second language can be very hard, Williams notes, “Cultural competency is also about experiencing the challenge of language learning. [Through the process,] students learn to value other languages.” Knowing the challenge of forming a sentence in another language builds empathy in kids. During this time of interrupted school instruction, we’ve rounded up a babble of resources, many of them free, to support and sustain language-learning efforts at home.
REGISTER AT: ParentMap.com/live
Duolingo • duolingo.com Choose from a variety of languages and learn from bite-size lessons presented in a game-based format. Cost: Base content is always free. ESL Library • esllibrary.com ESL Library offers classroom teachers and tutors two subscription tier options to access its library of engaging printable lessons as well as digital homework and assessment tools.
Campus Difusión • difusion.com This digital language-learning platform for Spanish teachers and students provides access to videos, online activities, projectable materials for the classroom, and sample units and audiobooks. Cost: Free. Better Chinese (Mandarin) • betterchinese.com This website is making its Chinese language lessons, for pre-K through college students, available for end users. Individuals can sign up for a free one-month trial, and teachers can apply for a free online group license.
FluentKey • fluentkey.com FluentKey offers hundreds of educational videos in Chinese, English, French and Spanish. Cost: The base content subscription is always free, but teachers can subscribe to a monthly plan to unlock tools to enhance the classroom and homework experience.
Chalk Academy • chalkacademy.com Chinese and Korean language learners and
Gemma Alexander and Tiffany Doerr Guerzon contributed to this article.
■
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LO CAL R ES O UR CES / CAM P S : ARTS + ACT I V I T IES
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Mother’s Day Dozens of Ways to Pamper Mom on Mother’s Day Recipes, gifts, cards and more ideas to make Mom feel special By Nicole Persun
Moms, we know you’re in desperate need of some pampering — and you deserve it! — but sometimes the family needs a little
brunch recipes in our roundup of lastminute recipes. parentmap.com/brunch
gratitude journaling to yoga to sipping her favorite tea. parentmap.com/relax
help (or nudge) when it comes to ideas for celebrating Mother’s Day. From a heavenly breakfast to handmade cards and stellar self-care products, we’ve got you covered. We’ve rounded up our best Mother’s Day celebration ideas right here — simply share this page with your family and let them do the rest.
Create a thoughtful DIY gift. Moms love flowers. Why not make her a bouquet that will last forever? Tissuepaper blooms are an easy craft project for young kids and don’t require too many materials — win-win! Get the details plus more ideas in our handmade-gift guide. parentmap.com/mom-gifts
Make her a card. Engage the kids in arts and crafts that can double as a charming Mother’s Day card! Celery-stamp flowers, fingerprint hearts and 3D folded cards are sure to warm Mom’s heart. Check out our full list of card crafts to pick out the perfect one at parentmap.com/cards.
Start with a sweet breakfast … Flip up some sophisticated blueberry lemon ricotta pancakes, with a great recipe from The Spruce Eats. These treats are sweet, zesty, tangy — and certain to make Mom go mmmm! Looking for something even more indulgent? Check out our entire list of pancake variations. parentmap.com/pancakes
Turn your home into a spa. With many pandemic limitations still in place, you’ll have to get a little creative. Turn the shower into a relaxing oasis with aromatherapy shower steamers — just make sure Mom has a cozy robe and slippers waiting for her when she gets out! You can find plenty more pampering ideas in our self-care products guide. parentmap.com/mom-spa
Bake her a sweet treat. One surefire sweet? The no-bake lemon cookie truffles from Six Sisters’ Stuff are a unique sweet that Mom will love. Want more Mother’s Day dessert inspiration? We have a whole list of super-simple recipes that kids can make using shortcut ingredients. parentmap.com/sweets
… or a savory brunch. If a savory brunch is more to Mom’s taste, we highly recommend the “everything” bagel breakfast strata from Running to the Kitchen. It’s an easy recipe requiring minimal prep, which means more quality time to spend as a family. If the strata doesn’t appeal to her, find more unique
Give her the gift of alone time. Sometimes true pampering just means giving Mom some alone time. Our guide to simple relaxation tips for parents provides more than 40 ideas for simple self-care, from
Stay in. Sometimes staying in and doing nothing is the ultimate luxury. Make Mother’s Day extra special by supporting a local business and spoiling Mom at home. Our quarantine Mother’s Day guide has plenty of simple but indulgent ideas, from curbside treats to a day spent in the garden. parentmap.com/stay-home
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Nicole Persun is ParentMap’s digital content production coordinator.
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Bugs and Bats and Birds — Oh, My! By Tina Cha
Your little one’s fascination with all things that creep, crawl and fly doesn’t need to be limited to a hands-off experience. With spring’s arrival, there is a plethora of opportunities for families to get out and explore nature. This year, up your game with experiential activities such as raising your own praying mantises, keeping mason bees or creating a worm composting bin. These six activities will entertain and educate kids throughout the spring and summer.
which point you’ll release the baby insects into the wild of your backyard. Mantises are “sit and wait” predators, meaning they won’t leave their habitat, so you can enjoy observing your yard pets as they develop all summer long. Go on an owl prowl, then dissect owl pellets. Washington Park Arboretum (botanicgardens.uw.edu) is home to the barred owl, with sightings as recent as this winter, according to eBird (ebird.org), a tracking website used by birders. Take a self-guided walk and look for traces of owls living within the park. You may even catch a glimpse of one, as barred owls are more active during the day than other owls. Owl pellets contain bones and fur from hunts, providing a cool, if kind of gross, glimpse into the life of an owl.
Raise a praying mantis to be your yard pet. For insect-loving kids, Tiny Science (tinyscience.org) offers an online class and a praying mantis hatching kit. Founder and educator Jen Paur is an evolutionary biologist and mom in West Seattle who is passionate about science literacy and teaching kids to become confident in science. Online (through classes and virtual field trips), her upbeat, fun attitude about science keeps preschoolers and early-elementary-age kids engaged. Each kit comes with a clear plastic cup to observe ootheca, the organic material that holds 50–200 mantis eggs. Within a few weeks, you should see eggs hatching, at
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We’re not recommending touching or taking home your discoveries (if you find any). Instead, purchase an owl pellet dissection kit (available on Amazon) to explore these fascinating objects under sterile conditions. Buy or build a bat house. Those creatures in flight you see in the evening aren’t tiny birds. They’re bats, known to come out to hunt for insects as night is falling. When the weather gets warmer, sit or stand quietly outdoors about 30 minutes before dark and look for bat action amongst tall trees at a local park or in your backyard. Go a step further and buy or build a bat house (batsnorthwest.org). You’ll find more information about bats, tips for building the ideal bat house environment, and, most critically, what to do
Up Your Critter IQ Continue your adventures with these books, filled with ideas for fun adventures and interesting facts: “Fly Guy” series by Tedd Arnold Ages: 4–8 This silly collection of stories about a boy and his pet fly, Buzz, is perfect for beginning readers. Even those who are not insect fans will get a kick out of the funny adventures Buzz experiences. “The Bat Book” by Charlotte Milner Ages: 5–8 Loaded with bat facts, including what they eat and where the live, this book also provides practical instructions on how to create a bat-friendly garden. National Geographic Kids “Ultimate Explorer Field Guide: Insects” by Libby Romero Ages: 8–12 Any of the National Geographic titles for kids about bugs and insects will provide hours of entertainment and repeat readings. “Put on Your Owl Eyes: Open Your Senses & Discover Nature’s Secrets” by Devin Franklin Ages: 8–13 Get your older children to take a moment and explore, observe and enjoy the natural world around them through engaging outdoor activities.
LO CAL R ES O UR CES / CAM P S : ARTS + ACT I V I T IES
if you encounter an injured or sick bat (do not touch it!) at the Washington Department of Fish and Wildlife website (wdfw.wa.gov). Keep an eye out for organized bat walks at Seward Park or Green Lake. Create a compost worm bin. Turn your child’s fascination with worms into high-quality compost for your garden with a worm compost bin. Keep the bin underneath your kitchen sink or outside and feed the worms food waste, such as fruit peels and coffee grounds. In no time at all, you’ll have rich compost that will enhance your garden’s health. You’ll need worms, of course. Woodinville Worms (woodinvilleworms.com) is run by a boy named Finn and his dad, Sean; they can supply you with red wigglers. (They also carry worms for fishing, feeding chickens and other worm-related needs.) You can get more information about worm
composting from your local nursery or garden center (where you can also buy a worm compost bin if you prefer not to make one yourself), or visit the King County website (kingcounty.gov). Take up mason beekeeping. Spring is the ideal time to incorporate non-stinging mason bees into your backyard or outdoor environment. Mason bees are solitary, meaning there is no queen bee, and all the females are fertile. They are prolific pollinators that can provide an interactive and educational outdoor experience for the family. Rent Mason Bees (rentmasonbees.com) in Bothell lets you host the bees during peak pollinating season, without worrying about the upkeep of bees for the rest of the year. The website includes additional educational information for children. We’ve highlighted more beekeeping tips for families at parentmap.com/bees.
Hit the beach at low tide. Beaches and parks along Puget Sound offer an abundance of sea creatures to observe during low tide, including starfish, snails, crabs and more (parentmpa.com/ tidepool). Seattle Aquarium’s Beach Naturalist program provides knowledge and advocacy information at area beach parks. Check the website (seattleaquarium.org) and coordinate your park plans if you’re looking for more insights. Some of our favorite parks to spot aquatic wildlife include: • Carkeek Park in Ballard • Richmond Beach Saltwater Park in Shoreline • Dash Point State Park in Federal Way
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Tina Cha is a Seattle-based writer and former entertainment editor. She is mom to one human and one doggo. Read more of her musings at chattycha.com.
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FAM I LY F UN
May Play List 15 fun ways to frolic and learn as a fam this month By Devon Hammer
Check out many more happenings online at parentmap.com/calendar.
Spring is in full swing and it comes with so many fresh opportunities for family fun. Festivals and celebrations abound this season — taking place on screens as well as in person. We’re getting in on the act by planting some suggestions for celebrating moms, going old-school with kids at the drive-in, learning with two of our ParentEd Talks and more. Here’s our bouquet of ideas to make your May delightful.
1. Jam out with the kids at
Edmonds Center for the Arts’ Kidstock! concert, in virtual form this year. Seattle’s own Ben Hunter and Joe Seamons perform, showcasing their folk-style music and amazing storytelling. Saturday, May 1, 10:30–11:30 a.m. Free. parentmap.com/kidstock
2. Travel back in time at
Camlann Medieval Village in Carnation. Join in traditional games and activities practiced in medieval times. Saturday– Sunday, May 1–2, noon–5 p.m.
$8–$10; ages 5 and younger free. parentmap.com/mayday
3. Celebrate the season of
new beginnings at Maris Farms’ Baby Animals and Blooms Days fest. Snap seasonal photos by the tulip fields, purchase goodies at the farm market and visit animals. For those who can’t stand still, check out the ropes course, zip lines, tube slides and more. Saturday–Sunday, May 1–2 and 8–9, 11 a.m.–7 p.m. $16 adults; $14 children; purchase tickets online. parentmap.com/blooms
Baby animals at Maris Farms
4.
Make your dino enthusiast’s day with a special visit to Woodland Park Zoo’s brandnew Dinosaur Discovery exhibit.
Editor’s note: Please remember to wear a mask when coming within 6 feet of anyone outside of your immediate household and follow all advisories related to safe recreating outdoors (parentmap.com/stay-safe).
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Highlighted Events for May
May 1
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Saturday
May 1–2, 8–9
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Saturday–Sunday
Kidstock! @Home
Baby Animals and Blooms Days
Online parentmap.com/kidstock
Maris Farm, Buckley, Washington parentmap.com/blooms
May 13
ing From Fairness to Radical Generosity
Online parentmap.com/live
Stronger Marriage.” Learn about shifting your mindset from a 50/50 marriage to one based on radical generosity. Thursday, May 13, 7 p.m. Free; preregister. parentmap.com/live
5.
Hop on your bike and start pedaling, because May is Bike Everywhere Month! May 5 is Bike to School Day, and May 21 is Bike Everywhere Day. But you don’t need to wait for a special occasion: Pump up those tires and ride around the block, to the park or to school today and every day.
6.
7. Frolic with fairies, gnomes
and elves at an Enchanted Forest Party at Frontier Park Lodge in Graham. Come dressed as your favorite magical character and meet a real fairy, tour the fairy forest and more. Saturday, May 8, noon–3 p.m.; preregister (cost TBA). parentmap.com/enchanted
Thursday
ParentEd Talk: The 80/80 Marriage: Shift-
Imagine you live during prehistoric times as you walk among 20 life-size dinosaurs. Opens May 1. Entry requires zoo admission plus a $4–$5 special exhibit fee; book online at zoo.org.
Celebrate Mother’s Day at Lakewold Gardens’ MayFest. Book a tour with a docent or join a rhododendron scavenger hunt Friday or Saturday. On Sunday, treat Mom to live music and a special dessert. Friday– Sunday, May 7–9, 10 a.m.–5 p.m. $5–$10; ages 5 and younger free; additional fees for tours, Mother’s Day gift boxes and concert tickets. parentmap.com/mayfest
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13. Parents (and kids)
The garden truck at Seattle Children’s PlayGarden. Photo by JiaYing Grygiel
8. Moms, we’re already the
masterminds who keep our families afloat. This past year, we’ve shouldered some extra-heavy burdens. For Mother’s Day (Sunday, May 9), drop this hint and wait for your crew to show their appreciation and love in the form of something homemade and delicious. parentmap.com/mom-recipes (See more merry Mother’s Day fun ideas on p. 17.)
9. Drive-in movies are con-
tinuing to enjoy their pandemic day in the sun (or dark?); don’t miss this special kind of family fun. Snag a ticket for your carload at Marymoor Park’s spring drive-in series. Tuesday– Thursday through May 20. $30 per car; book online. parentmap.com/movies-in-may
10. After a yearlong hiatus,
open play sessions are back at the phenomenal Seattle
Children’s PlayGarden. This inclusive park invites kids of all abilities to play while a staff member facilitates and leads the kids in a seasonal activity. Wednesdays, 3–7 p.m. and Saturdays, 10 a.m.–2 p.m. Free; no registration required. parentmap.com/playgarden
11. Join in this year’s Kodomo no Hi, also known as Children’s Day, at home. Celebrate Japanese and Japanese American cultural traditions with videos released each Sunday in May; there are also accompanying free downloads of kids’ activities. New videos posted Sundays, May 2–30; activities available anytime. parentmap.com/kodomo
12. Block out an hour on your calendar to join ParentMap for a ParentEd Talk with the authors of “The 80/80 Marriage: A New Model for a Happier,
need their sleep! In this ParentEd Talk, we welcome back renowned pediatrician Dr. Harvey Karp to share his tips and tricks to help babies and toddlers sleep better — so that moms and dads can, too. Plus, enter for a chance to win a SNOO smart bassinet created by Dr. Karp. Wednesday, May 19, 1 p.m. Free; preregister. parentmap.com/live
14. Participate in a 3K or 5K
fun run with your dog at Auburn’s Game Farm Park during Auburn’s Dog Trot, with staggered start times 9 a.m.– noon. You can also do the dog trot on your own! Saturday, May 22. $18–$23; preregister. apm.activecommunities.com
15.
Celebrating its 50th year, the iconic Northwest Folklife Festival takes place virtually this year over Memorial Day weekend. Join to watch performances showcasing a huge array of talents, with some curated especially for kids. Friday–Monday, May 28–31, 11 a.m.–2 p.m. Free. parentmap.com/folklife
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Devon Hammer is ParentMap’s Out + About editorial assistant and a mother of two.
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Out + About
10 Best Things to Do With Kids at Seattle’s Discovery Park Play, dig in the sand, watch for orcas and more at this epic Seattle park Story and photos by Nancy Chaney
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New York has Central Park, Boston has Boston Common, San Francisco has the Presidio. Seattle has Discovery Park. This expansive Seattle park is the crown jewel of our city’s impressive park system and it’s a marvelous place to explore with kids any time of year. The park’s 534 acres include a variety of trails, wide-open meadows, a sandy bluff overlooking Puget Sound and a beach. There’s a fantastic updated playground, a handful of geocaches and important local history to learn about. And on top of all that, there are those views!
The most impressive thing about this park is its sheer size. You can visit over and over again and discover new pockets every time. Read on for 10 awesome areas to explore with kids at one of my very favorite places on earth, Discovery Park.
The bluff and the sandy area On a sunny day, or any day, your kids will love digging in the big sandy area along the bluff. Bring the shovels, buckets and toys for beach play, though there’s no water here — Puget Sound is quite a ways down the hill (more on the beach later).
But you won’t need any water on the bluff: There’s great sand and amazing views. Watch ferries and other marine traffic, spot peaks in the Olympic range or scan the water for signs of orcas.
Find it: The closest parking lot to the historic buildings is the south parking lot. This area is also where you’ll find wide-open meadows suitable for all kinds of play.
Find it: The sandy area is located on the park’s loop trail. For the shortest walking route, park in the south parking lot, although you can also reach this area by taking a slightly longer walk from the east parking lot.
Discovery Park’s meadow area, formerly the Fort Lawton parade oval, provides the perfect spot for flying kites, kicking a soccer ball and throwing a Frisbee. Or pack a picnic, a blanket and a good book and just spread out. The wide-open space and gorgeous views of the Olympic Mountains are good for the soul.
From the visitor center/east parking lot, it’s a 3-mile trek to the beach and back, and it involves a lot of elevation change. Plan for a multi-hour excursion if you take this on — and possibly some whining on the long slog back up to the bluff.
This area includes a long, paved pathway where kids can perfect their emerging bike riding skills. Originally a road, the path is no longer used by cars, making it an ideal place for little ones to practice their cycling. You can also find a geocache in the vicinity, and there are a few more hidden away in other areas of the park.
Once the visitor center has reopened, there’s a free beach shuttle on weekends, and from Tuesday through Friday, families with kids ages 6 and younger can check out limited parking permits from the center’s front desk. For now, make your way by human power. You could also reach the beach by bicycle, if you have strong riders; there’s the same giant hill to face when returning from the beach. (Note: Bicycles are allowed only on paved roads and paths in Discovery Park; bikes are not permitted on unpaved trails.)
The giant tree
Meadows and parade oval
opportunity to get close to — or in — the water (toe-dipping, anyone?). It takes some effort to get here, but it’s totally worth it — just know what you’re getting into. There is no public parking at the beach.
Talking about this amazing tree is how I first got my son to hike with me along Discovery Park’s loop trail. This arboreal giant strikes awe and isn’t for the faint-of-heart parent watching from below as their kid scales its limbs. If you trust your climber’s sure-footedness and judgment, they will love it. There’s also plenty of fun to be had at ground level, running around the tree’s trunk and admiring its immensity. Find it: From the visitor center at the east parking lot, take the loop trail heading north. You’ll go down a few steps and soon pass through a short tunnel. In roughly 15 minutes of walking along the loop trail, you’ll encounter the giant tree.
Historic buildings
My family enjoys inspecting the stately old buildings in Discovery Park’s historic district. Find the old barracks, chapel, school, gym and other structures. They’re all boarded up, sadly, but you can try to peek through the windows and imagine the goings-on in the days of early Fort Lawton, which opened here as a military base in 1900. Along California Avenue, you’ll spot historic homes that have been remodeled and are now privately owned (so no peeking in the windows, please!). These homes are on an island of private property within the park, and these lucky homeowners have some of the best views in the entire city. Fun fact: You’ll also see a radar tower in this area that looks like it has an enormous volleyball sitting on top of it.
Find it: The meadow area is most easily reached from the south parking lot. Head west on the loop trail and when you spot the chapel off to your right, you will also see the meadow spread out in front of you.
The beach
While the bluff provides the perfect overlook for views of Puget Sound and the Olympic Mountains, the beach, of course, offers the
The beach also features a historic lighthouse, complete with a keeper’s quarters.
Wolf Tree Nature Trail
On the north side of the park, you’ll find
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the terrific Wolf Tree Nature Trail. Wellsuited for little legs, this short loop trail showcases a lush green wetland ecosystem that’s quite different from what you’ll see in most areas of the park. Note that this trail does not allow dogs, and you won’t want to bring a stroller; there are stairs and other tricky spots. Kids will love the boardwalk sections, plants with enormous leaves and a stream. Find it: The Wolf Tree Nature Trail is close to the north parking lot.
Hidden stairways
Save this activity for when you’re ready for Discovery Park, advanced edition. If you know your way around, have a decent sense of direction or are comfortable exploring and potentially getting a little lost, there are hidden stairways all over this park to discover. Some obviously connect
Discovery Park Environmental Learning and Visitor Center You’ll have to save this stop for a future visit. Discovery Park’s Environmental Learning and Visitor Center is currently closed.
Wolf Tree Nature Trail
one point to another, some appear to be random and some have been abandoned. Launch a nature mission to uncover as many stairways as you can.
The playground
Discovery Park’s updated playground opened at the end of 2017. It’s fab. Find it: The playground is about 300 yards
Once the center reopens, you’ll find clean restrooms, a drinking fountain and great exhibits on the flora and fauna of the park. There’s also a family space that features a huge box of animal puppets and a puppet theater, providing super-fun entertainment for the kids. Find it: The visitor center is located adjacent to the east parking lot.
Daybreak Star and Discovery Park history
The Daybreak Star Indian Cultural Center is an important community center
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for Seattle-area Native Americans that also serves as the headquarters of the United Indians of All Tribes Foundation. The center, which houses a native art collection, is currently closed, but typically is open to visitors on weekdays. The center came into existence in 1970 when a group of native activists staged a peaceful occupation of some of the land that previously comprised Fort Lawton. The federal government had closed Fort Lawton and deemed the land to be surplus. The center’s building, completed in 1977, has a modern architectural design that incorporates Native American elements. It’s worth checking out its exterior, too, and don’t miss a visit to the duck pond nearby.
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Check the Daybreak Star Facebook page for future events, such as the rescheduled 50th anniversary celebration of the Fort Lawton takeover. (At present, the celebration has been postponed until July.) Daybreak Star also hosts powwows.
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Nancy Chaney is ParentMap’s Out + About editor.
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A Little Discovery Park History While this park is a gem in the Seattle Parks system, in part because it includes a community center for the descendants of the first people to live along this coast, Discovery Park also holds important lessons from its past. These lessons are worth exploring, especially for families with school-age kids. Fort Lawton was home to a unit of African American soldiers known as the Buffalo Soldiers. In 1909, some 900 African American soldiers and their families accounted for about one-third of Seattle’s Black population. During World War II, Fort Lawton housed German and Italian prisoners of war. In 1944, an Italian prisoner of war was killed, and 28 African American soldiers were wrongly convicted of his murder. It took until 2007 for their convictions and dishonorable discharges to be overturned.
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High-scoring board and card games for family game night By Malia Jacobson
Bringing the family together for game night — what could be simpler? Families hit the game cabinet hard in 2020, fueling 20 percent growth in the board games market. But after a long pandemic year of rolling the same dice or shuffling the same cards, you may be feeling less than inspired. We get it. Here are 9 parenttested picks, complete with familyfriendly food pairings.
1. Chickapig: A Farm to Table Game
Price: $25 Type: board Number of players: 2–4 Best for: ages 8 and older Plan to spend: 30–60 minutes Pairs with: crunchy veggies, such as carrots, radishes and sugar snap peas This classic family board game feels as fresh as farm produce with its simple design, wooden game pieces and organic, folksy appeal. A collaboration between game creator and guitar maker Brian Calhoun (of Rockbridge Guitars) and musician Dave Matthews, this strategy game features fantastical creatures, hay bales and enough manure to keep kids giggling. “Not going to lie, I totally bought it because Dave Matthews is involved,” says Tacoma parent Breeayn Douhit. “Glad I did, though — it’s surprisingly fun!”
2. Sleeping Queens
Price: $10 Type: card Number of players: up to 5 Best for: ages 8 and older Plan to spend: 20 minutes Pairs with: milk and cookies When it’s been a long week and you’re beat, remember that family game night doesn’t need to last for hours or drain
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every last bit of your energy. Sleeping Queens is a blessedly brief card game for the grade-school set that was invented by an imaginative 6-year-old. Play multiple rounds for a longer game night or keep the evening short and sweet with a single 20-minute session.
3. Kids Against Maturity
Price: $30 Type: card Number of players: 4–8 Best for: ages 10 and older Plan to spend: 30–90 minutes Pairs with: kid-friendly snacks, from fruit roll-ups to cheese and crackers If you want to share the hilarity of the wildly popular Cards Against Humanity (CAH) game with your kids but can’t quite countenance its famously R-rated content, look no further. Aimed at kids who are outgrowing the much tamer Apples to Apples game but aren’t ready for CAH, Kids Against Maturity is suited for family play. Players combine words and phrases to uproarious effect, with plenty of silliness and potty-themed humor to keep kids completely entertained.
4. Splendor Price: $45
Type: card and token Number of players: 2–4 Best for: ages 10 and older Plan to spend: 30 minutes Pairs with: jewel-tone gummies School-age kids who love Minecraft or simply appreciate a well-crafted strategy game will enjoy Splendor. Players are merchants attempting to build a collection of gem mines and shops by collecting jewel-tone chips to acquire points. The
game has a historical feel without a complicated narrative, so families can easily enjoy it over and over again.
5. What Do You Meme? Family Edition Price: $20 Type: card Number of players: 4–8 Best for: ages 8 and older Plan to spend: 30–60 minutes Pairs with: hot cocoa bombs or another Instagram-worthy snack
Having trouble finding a game even hardto-please teens will love? Entice reluctant game-nighters back to the table with this sidesplitting family edition of the popular What Do You Meme? party game. Players use 300 caption cards and 65 photo cards to create the funniest memes, as decided by a rotating judge. Simple enough to play after a tiring day of work and/or remote schooling, this affordable game deserves a spot in your feed (or game cabinet).
6. Gnomes at Night
Price: $22 Type: board Number of players: 2–4 Best for: ages 6 and older Plan to spend: 15 minutes Pairs with: Bugles corn snacks (aka gnome hats) Searching for a kid-friendly game that’s more collaborative and less cutthroat? If highly competitive games are too intense for your younger children, check out Gnomes at Night, a cooperative maze
LO CAL R ES O UR CES / S CH O O L S + PR ES CH O O L S
game that allows players to work together. The game builds decision-making and communication skills as players team up to maneuver adorable magnetic gnomes through a maze.
has spawned many spin-offs; unlike more modern editions that incorporate electronics, this version of Sorry features classic graphics and is 100 percent unplugged.
7. Sorry Classic Edition
Price: $54 Type: board Number of players: 2–5 Best for: ages 8 and older Plan to spend: 30–60 minutes Pairs with: classic travel snacks (pretzels, peanuts and popcorn)
Price: $18 Type: board Number of players: 2–6 Best for: ages 6 and older Plan to spend: 30–45 minutes Pairs with: Twizzlers, Ritz Crackers or Tootsie Pops (all popular 1930s snack foods) Patented in the 1930s, Sorry is a classic board game that grandparents will remember and kids still love. Players attempt to knock one another out of the game — “Sorry!” (not sorry) — as they race around the board. The game reinforces sportsmanship and strategy with a fastmoving, familiar feel. The original version
8. Ticket to Ride
Kids who are outgrowing their childhood train set — or adults who never did — will love Ticket to Ride, a route-building strategy game on rails. The game takes players on a cross-country train adventure, on which longer routes equal more points. Devoted riders can add to their collections with the USA 1910 expansion set or the Ticket to Ride Europe edition.
9. Poetry for Neanderthals
Price: $20 Type: card Number of players: 2 or 4 Best for: ages 7 and older Plan to spend: 15 minutes Pairs with: nuts (or allergen-free alternative), seeds and dried berries Fans of the uproarious Exploding Kittens card game will recognize its signature irreverent illustrations in Poetry for Neanderthals. This competitive word-guessing game takes just a few minutes to learn, so you can spend less time explaining the rules and more time cracking up together. It takes just 15 minutes to play, so you can play multiple rounds or squeeze in a quick game night before tuck-in.
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Malia Jacobson is a health and family journalist.
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Ages + Stages How to Stop Yelling at Your Kids Effective strategies to reach a calmer approach to family conflict By Laura Kastner, Ph.D.
What’s your worst parental habit? Do you yell? Dump on your partner? Tilt toward negative reactions? Do you feel bad about it? If you disliked these tendencies in the Before Times, you probably really hate the way the pandemic has made them worse. Moms are prone to blame themselves for child-related problems, even in the best of times, but the pandemic has exacted an even greater toll on parental sanity. Your shortcomings and guilt have undoubtedly already thrown you for a loop a few times. But now you get to worry about scarring your kids for life with your yelling. Mothers are suffering disproportionately during the pandemic. Fretting about family health and welfare is a mother’s imperative. Women take hits at work as well as leave and lose jobs more often than men. Moms expect themselves to do everything, from supervising remote schooling to attending to toddlers, COVID-19 safety and other matters related to the home. Jennifer Senior wrote about mothers losing it during the pandemic in a recent New York Times opinion piece. She described the findings of a study conducted more than 20 years ago that surveyed 8- to 18-year-olds. The majority of these
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children did not want more time with their mothers. What they really wanted was for their mothers to better control their tempers. Fast-forward a couple of decades, add a pandemic and the problem not only persists, it’s been amplified. During the past year, I have spent hundreds of hours talking with parents in therapy and in my webinars. Across the board, parents wish they could be more self-regulated and patient with their children. And so do their children.
The alternative to yelling? Prioritize effective strategies for calm.
In 2008, I cowrote the first edition of my book “Getting to Calm: Cool-Headed Strategies for Parenting Tweens + Teens.” It teaches self-calming, mindful approaches
to effective parenting, and the neuroscience of brain development, stress and anger. Little did I know that parents would need the parenting skills described in my book more than ever today, given the challenges of homebound child-rearing during a pandemic! So, let’s unpack some of the “yelling” problem. We yell to remind, correct or get the attention of our children. Mostly, it doesn’t work, and it represents more of a release of our anger and frustration than a tool that increases compliance. Moreover, research has shown that regular shouting can be as likely to cause child anxiety, depression and behavioral problems as physical punishment. What does work for improving compliance
and good habits is positive reinforcement. It’s so ordinary, it’s boring. It’s also hard to do without lapsing into negative carping, nagging and yelling. The essence of positive reinforcement is rewarding desirable behavior. After establishing realistic and clearly communicated behavioral goals for your kids, you give praise and appreciation when they comply or make a reasonable effort. You practice “planned ignoring” when they miss the mark, since even negative attention can reinforce behaviors. Positive reinforcement increases the desirable behavior of spouses, children, dolphins and other living beings. Although this positive strategy sounds straightforward, yelling is “normal,” meaning most parents do it. Why? Emotions override our logical brains! Child-rearing is frustrating! And children are messy and well, childish, meaning that they have not yet internalized rules and developed the maturity to follow them. That process takes a couple of decades.
Why yelling is a thing
All parents get their buttons pushed sometimes, especially with the countless and constant pandemic burdens fraying everyone’s nerves. Parental yelling during the pandemic is perfectly understandable, even though it can be harmful. There are a couple of more reasons that yelling has become a problem, even before the pandemic. Yelling had become the new spanking, because over the past four decades, parents gradually have been giving up spanking. The percentage of parents who spanked their kids dropped from high levels in the ’80s to less than half of parents in recent years. The harm to children caused by physical discipline has been well documented. Although the reduction of spanking has been celebrated by child advocates, it appears that the parental anger previously channeled into corporal punishment has shifted to yelling. As parents gave up spanking, physical
punishment and authoritarian parenting over the decades, they have struggled with learning effective methods of discipline. Among the most common questions I receive are: How do I get my kids to: 1) listen, 2) comply and 3) show respect? It is infinitely easier to unleash negative emotions on kids and attempt to scare them into obedience with punitive threats than to practice what is most effective: a method called “positive parenting.” Children and adolescents are better adjusted when their parents stay mostly loving and positive, exercise authority through reasonable rules and consequences, and show respect for feelings. The takeaway is that children are more emotionally secure and cooperative when their parents use positive approaches for behavioral management. The art and science of practicing positive parenting challenge the most competent of parents. It’s extremely difficult to stay mostly positive and self-regulated in the face of back talk, home chaos and pandemic stress.
Overwhelming pandemic stress
Is it realistic for parents to be able to avoid yelling during the pandemic? Have we created a case of whack-a-mole with the mission to stop unbridled expressions of anger? If enough pressure is applied to a family system, isn’t something going to blow? Should we just accept some yelling and be glad that we suppress impulses to spank and use physical punishment? Yelling is an outburst of negative emotion. It is understandable that negative emotions would be expressed in unfiltered ways given the strain of our enormous pandemic stressors. Not everyone has the wherewithal to practice enough mindfulness and self-calming techniques to eliminate yelling entirely. Children and teens inject their own negative emotions into the family pressure cooker. They naturally dump on their parents more when they are stressed. In addition, the reduction of in-person academic, social and extracurricular activities ratchets up their sadness, anger and anxiety. Parents can feel overwhelmed with distress about their kids’ burdens and losses. Kids can handle some messy parenting, but they really do need a “good enough,” trustworthy parent for a solid chance at successful and healthy adulthood. The rub is that a lot of parents say they are failing to get even a passing grade for “good enough” these days. Only time and a boatload of research will really tell us how harmful pandemic yelling and stress are for child health outcomes. And, of course, economic, racial and social inequities will have to be taken into account. However, I’m impressed with how many parents are making efforts to “get to calm” and prioritize family rituals, such as walks, game nights (see p. 26) and hanging out together.
Seeking silver linings
I’ve heard plenty of families speak of pandemic upsides. There is more time for
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AG ES + STAG ES
Don’t snooze on this.
continued from page 29
enjoying family leisure, play, new hobbies, sleeping, home cooking and talking about feelings. These same families experience their share of meltdowns, but the potential collateral damage is offset by good times. I think a lot of kids will look back on this time with a tinge of nostalgia. Even during hospitalizations, wars and the aftermath of natural disasters, kids can appreciate parents’ efforts to make a good, secure life during tragic circumstances.
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The ordinary magic of little things should not be underestimated, such as when you create some art, read some books and rub some backs. The ordinary magic of little things should not be underestimated, such as when you create some art, read some books and rub some backs. When parents pull together and work valiantly to offer small nurturing moments in trying times, kids sometimes cherish them more than a big hoopla during easy times. Yelling is less toxic when it is infrequent, embedded in a mostly loving home and diluted by sincere efforts to do better. Parents want to express their feelings in respectful and self-regulated ways, even though their kids aren’t at that point yet. The ambitious goal for parents is to quell the yell and model the behaviors they want to see in their children. Parents have always been expected to control themselves more effectively than their children. But heck, parents are only human! And to struggle with controlling emotions is to be human. We all do our best — even if we yell sometimes — and then we try to do better tomorrow.
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Laura Kastner, Ph.D., is the author of a number of parenting books, including the acclaimed “Getting to Calm: Cool-Headed Strategies for Parenting Tweens and Teens” and “Getting to Calm: The Early Years.” She is a clinical professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at the University of Washington.
Parent Day Jobs Meet Ksenia Yudina This financial tech superstar helps parents invest in their kids’ future By Heidi Borst Ksenia Yudina is the founder and CEO of UNest Advisers (unest.co), a financial technology company that has developed the first app of its kind offering parents a flexible way to invest and save for their children’s future. The mother of three says her own children, ages 10 and 5 (twins), were the inspiration behind the inception of UNest. A financial adviser with 12 years of experience, Yudina wanted to “help other parents to save and invest for their kids’ future in the best way possible.” ParentMap caught up with Yudina to learn more about UNest. What is UNest? If you think about other [mobile investment] solutions, Robinhood is there to help people make a trade, and Acorns is there to help young people get into investing. But there wasn’t anything for parents, so we ended up creating a mobile app to help parents get a plan in just five minutes — it’s super user-friendly, very simple and fast. Compared to financial advisers who usually charge sales fees and have a lot of hidden commissions, our fee structure is super transparent. It’s only $3 per month per child [in accounts up to $50,000]. Why did UNest move away from 529 accounts? What we learned from our families during the pandemic is that people need flexibility. When education shifted online, a lot of people had this confusion and uncertainty: What happens if the cost of education is unsustainable? What happens if my child doesn’t go to college? What if they get financial aid and scholarships? It inspired us to envision another type of account called a UTMA — uniform transfer to minor account — which is a custodial account for kids that
has much more flexibility. What is the difference between a 529 account and a UTMA? A 529 is a tax-free investment plan that you set up for kids, but you can only spend it on educational expenses, such as college tuition. The biggest limitation of a 529 is that if you end up not spending it on education, you lose all the tax credit and your earnings portion is penalized by 10 percent, a big downside for a lot of parents. A UTMA has much more flexibility. Like a 529 account, it has great tax advantages, but you’re not required to spend it on education; you can spend it on anything that benefits the child. Quite honestly, parents have different priorities for their kids — some want to pay for their first car, the down payment on their house or their wedding day. What is also interesting about a UTMA as compared with a 529 is that after the child reaches the age of maturity [between 18 and 25, depending on your state], the account actually transitions to the child, so the child becomes the owner of the account. When do invested funds become available? Parents can access the funds at any time, as long as they spend the money on something that benefits the child. Of course, we encourage people to think long term, because it’s an investment club and they have much more potential to grow funds if they invest long term, due to the compounding effect and tax benefits, but they don’t have to. If parents need to spend it on something in the interim, such as school or day care or whatever it is that they need for their child, they can. Can gifts be made directly into a child’s UTMA account through the app? We do give people additional ways to receive money in the account. One way is through
the gifting feature we introduced, which allows parents to receive gifts from friends, grandparents and other family members; for example, on children’s birthdays and other holidays. Another way we help parents invest is through partnerships with brands like Uber, DoorDash and 1-800-Flowers.com. Every time the parents shop from a partner brand that they like, they earn financial rewards right into their child’s account, ranging from $5 to $100 per purchase. Does UNest require parents to contribute to their child’s UTMA regularly? The minimum investment is only $25 per month. We encourage parents to get on this monthly plan to get in the consistent habit of depositing money, because it creates discipline and the right financial habits, and it also helps to smooth out their return, so they don’t get to the market at the wrong time. If parents want to pause the plan at any time, that’s available; they just need to email our customer support. What else should parents know about investing with UNest? I would also say that the sooner parents begin saving, the better, but parents of older kids should know it’s never too late to open an account. Also, if parents are saving for their kids in a traditional checking account, not only are they not making money, they’re losing money due to inflation. That’s why I recommend parents use a tax-advantaged investment account — it has a much better potential for appreciation, and the tax savings result in additional advantages for parents.
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Heidi Borst is an active mom, journalist and nutrition coach with a strong affinity for nature, sarcasm and extra sleep.
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