LEARNING + PLAY
Secrets of a Tantrum Tamer: The ‘Special Time’ Edition
Three magic ingredients remedy challenging behaviors and deepen connection in no time flat By Annie Garrett, M.Ed. In my first year as a professional parent educator, I gained access to some of Seattle’s brightest minds in the field. A relatively new parent myself, I turned to these mentors for every dilemma under the sun. It wasn’t long before I noticed a common refrain: Emotional outbursts? I’d give special time a shot. Clinginess? Special time could help. Sibling rivalry? Have you tried special time? Managing fears? Feeling distant? Aggression? Special time. Special time. Special time. Special time is defined by Madeleine Winter of Hand in Hand Parenting (madeleinewinter.com) as “a regular, defined period of time where you focus undivided attention on your child, playing however they want.” Like so many parents, whenever I received this advice, I thought to myself: They act like this is magic, but don’t I do that already? And so, I shirked the prescription. But when desperation finally led me to take a serious dose of it, I realized that not only was I not doing it already, but it was exactly what I was missing. Parents think they already do special time with their kids, but they don’t. “Special time” is easily confused with quality time and playtime. And here’s the thing: It’s pretty useless if you try to do it intuitively. Quality time, playtime, positive coaching: They are all important and all encouraged. They are like the healthy diet of parenting — day in and day out — where special time is the daily multivitamin. Easy, efficient, effective. A bit magical, indeed. We think: Play with my kid without being distracted? No problem! I tried that for months as I struggled to connect with my daughter and calm her intense emotions. But it failed, because I was missing the key ingredients that are unique to special time. I’ve distilled them down to the three most essential. So first off, what is it, exactly? 40
Special time is an antidote to our distracted culture and tendency to “overparent.” We parents love our children and we show up for them. But overwork gets in the way. With our bodies and minds in constant productivity overdrive, it can be hard to find the brakes when we sit down with our kids. We may not realize it, but most of us struggle to focus, and then in the blips of time that we do focus, we tend to (lovingly, unknowingly) “overparent”: teaching, guiding, directing, suggesting, quizzing, correcting, entertaining, motivating, etc. These things are good in moderation, but when they are the default, it leaves little space for our kids to feel seen and heard. This can leave them starved for attention and control, even when we spend time with them regularly. Starved in such a way, their behavior becomes less regulated, more challenging, leading to outbursts, clinginess, rivalry — we’ve all been there. In special time, less is more. For a short period, we refuse to be distracted and we refuse to overpower. We pour attention on our children and listen, fortifying them until the next session. We feel a renewed sense of connection as we gain understanding of what interests, delights and troubles our child. We gain confidence and peace of mind as special time becomes an oasis. Sounds sophisticated, but it isn’t. This can be achieved with three simple ingredients: a timer, enthusiasm and attention (TEA). Here’s more about those ingredients: The timer: Special time without a timer is like basketball without the ball. It simply isn’t special time. Without it, we parents can get distracted by checking our phones for the time. We lose focus. Children lose focus, too, and are less likely to connect. We lose the efficiency that makes it a magical antidote in a busy world. When I think timer, I also think about timing. A tip regarding young children: You’ll never miss a daily dose of special time if you build it into
