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10 Biblical Keys for Dealing With Conflict in the Family
from The Christian Outlook May/June
by The Pentecostal Assembles of The World - The Christian Outlook
By Suffragan Bishop Germaine D. Hurst
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Proverbs 11:29 “He that troubleth his own house shall inherit the wind: and the fool shall be servant to the wise of heart.”
he family is one of the greatest institutions that God has ever created. It was designed to be a systematic social construct that provides love, peace, procreation and healthy interaction. A healthy family dynamic reflects the nature of God and provides mutual acceptance and T compassion for the lonely. The Bible states, “God sets the lonely in families” (Psalm 68:6a NIV). Our families should be honored, protected and cherished. There have been conflicts and challenges in the human family since the days of Adam and Eve. The Old and New Testament Scriptures have shared numerous stories and biblical accounts of triumph and tragedy within the family. Today, I would like to share 10 biblical keys for dealing with family conflict.
KEY #3 - CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES WISELY
Exodus 14:14 “The Lord shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace.” Don’t allow the need to be right cause you to engage in unnecessary confrontations with family members. Be selective in your approach to conflict resolution. Ask yourself, “What are the spoils and rewards for winning this argument?” Count up the costs. It may not be worth the fight if there is no substantial returns on your investment. Reserve your fight for what really matters. Not everything is important. Why win the battle but lose your family in the process!
KEY #1 - ALL FAMILIES EXPERIENCE A LEVEL OF DYSFUNCTION
Romans 3:23 - “For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God.” There are no perfect families! Every family unit has conflicts, challenges and issues. Accepting this truth will alleviate the pressure of perpetuating facades that sabotage and avoid engaging in healthy conflict resolution. We will not change what we are not willing to acknowledge is a problem in the home. Acknowledging the dysfunction does not mean that it is acceptable or warranted. However, acknowledgement is the first step toward resolution.
KEY #2 - ALWAYS LOVE AND PRIORITIZE YOUR FAMILY
1 Peter 4:8 “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.”
Developing a healthy family requires love and time. How important is your family to you? When was the last time you said, “I love you?” Being critical and judgmental without any compassion can be detrimental to your family dynamic. Love demonstrates care and prioritization shows importance. Your family members need to feel loved, accepted and important. Love is the foundation that establishes a strong home. Prioritizing and spending quality time with family will provide opportunities for affection, bonding, reciprocity and positive reinforcement. Communicating love to your family is your power base. It will speak for you even when words are not spoken.
KEY #4 - MANAGE YOUR EMOTIONS
Proverbs 25:28 “He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls.” It is imperative that you keep your emotions and behaviors in check. The Bible says, “Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: Neither give place to the devil” (Ephesians 4:26-27). The ability to demonstrate temperance and self control is a sign of spiritual maturity. Behaving irrational and undisciplined will add fuel to the fire. Proverbs11:29a says, “He that troubleth his own house shall inherit the wind.” Strife and contention will cause unwanted storms and trouble in your home. Learn how to develop coping skills and anger management techniques when trying to resolve family issues.
KEY #5 - COMMUNICATE LIFE AND NOT DEATH
Proverbs 18:21 “Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.” Communication is the hub of the family. The lack of effective communication can be detrimental. Our words have the power to kill or make alive. Choose to speak life into your family. Avoid speaking profanity and negative words to each other. The Bible says in Ephesians 4:29 NIV “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but
only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Use your words to edify and build up instead of tearing down. Learn how to discuss your problems and formulate solutions through effective communication. Proverbs 15:1-4 NIV says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. The tongue of the wise adorns knowledge, but the mouth of the fool gushes folly. The eyes of the Lord are everywhere, keeping watch on the wicked and the good. The soothing tongue is a tree of life, but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit.”
KEY #6 - MASTER THE ART OF LISTENING
James 1:19 “Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:” We’ve heard the saying that, “God gave us two ears and one mouth because He wanted us to do twice the hearing with less the talking.” Listening is a great tool to help resolve issues and conflicts in the family. Some problems in the family may not require fixing but all do require listening. Many solutions are discovered by listening to the concerns of others. Allow your family members the opportunity to be heard during discussions and disagreements. This sends a message to them that they are important and what they are saying does matter. God is our Father. He is omnipotent and omniscient. He humbles Himself to listen to our prayers and concerns everyday. We should do the same for our families.
KEY #7 - PRACTICE PRAYER AND FORGIVENESS
Mark 11:25 “And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have ought against any: that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.” A life of continuous prayer and forgiveness is a major key for dealing with conflict in the family. Prayer and forgiveness is therapeutic because it helps us to heal. It is a challenge for any family to live free of offense. There will be misunderstandings and disagreements. Proverbs 18:19 says, “A brother wronged is more unyielding than a fortified city; disputes are like the barred gates of a citadel.” It is difficult to resolve issues and reconcile with someone who is unforgiving and uncooperative. We have been given the ministry of reconciliation (2 Corinthians 5:18). This is easier said than done. It is imperative that we maintain a consistent prayer life. Pray for all of your family members. Jesus taught us that we should love our enemies and pray for those who mistreat us (Matthew 5:44). Forgiveness is a gift to yourself. Refusing to forgive someone is like stabbing yourself and hoping that your enemy will feel it. Free yourself from the bondage of unforgiveness today! Exodus 20:12 “Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee.” Respect and honor are entirely two different things. Honor is external and is a gift that is freely given as an act of reverence and value. Respect is based on an internal attitude of high regard toward someone of earned or merited behaviors. People that are honorable should be respected and people that are respected should be honorable. The Bible tells us that children should honor and obey their parents and the children should not be provoked into anger but nurtured and directed in the ways of the Lord (Ephesians 6:1-4). Husbands and wives should have love, respect and reverence to each other (Ephesians 5:21-33). A family that lacks honor and respect for each other will be a breeding ground of brokenness and high level dysfunction.
KEY #9 - PROTECT YOUR PRIVACY
Deuteronomy 29:29 “The secret things belong unto the Lord our God: but those things which are revealed belong unto us and to our children for ever, that we may do all the words of this law.”
Everyone should not have access to your private family matters. Always protect your privacy. Confidentiality is the protection of data and information that only certain people should have access to. Privacy is the protection of the people who are involved. Choose the appropriate persons to divulge your private matters to. Social media is not always appropriate when sharing private family matters. Remember to protect yourself and the people that you love. Focus on being both integral and ethical. Build on family integrity and not just reputation. Your family’s reputation and the public’s perception does matter. However, integrity in private matters and your family’s personal perception at home should be the priority. It is important to note that private matters that involve situations of abuse or mistreatment should be handled with care and reported to the proper authorities and counselors.
KEY #10 - SEEK PROFESSIONAL COUNSELING AND THERAPY IF NEEDED
Proverbs 11:14 “Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety.” Conflict resolution can be a difficult task to handle. There are times when professional counseling and therapy are needed. Don’t be ashamed or afraid to ask for help. It is beneficial to have someone who is skilled, trained and qualified to mediate family conflict. The goal is to resolve any issues that are hindering the family. Everyone in your family may not have the soft skills and emotional intelligence to successfully reconcile. Utilize competent counselors to assist your family in the process. Be willing to receive wisdom and be courageous to put in the work for positive change.
