Blues Clues

VOL. 168 ISSUE 10 JULY 12, 2021

NEWS

OP INIONS

F EAT U RE S

A RT S & C ULT UR E

Three cars extinguished at SFU Burnaby

Looking out for vulnerable community members during extreme weather

Profits should never be prioritized over human lives

Wake-up call on unethical coffee production

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blue ' s c l u e s B U T L I K E D A R K A N D G R I T T Y, Y O U K N O W ? Y E A H. P.13

Volume 168, Issue 10

Maggie Benston Centre 2900 Simon Fraser University 8888 University Drive Burnaby, BC, Canada V5A 1S6 Phone: (778) 782-5110

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COVER Shaheen Virk THIS WEEK’S CONTRIBUTORS Victoria Belway PEAK ASSOCIATES Gurleen Aujla, Charlene Aviles, Harvin Bhathal, Tiffany Chang, Jacob Mattie, Paige Smith, Alyssa Marie Umbal, Shaheen Virk STAFF WRITERS Kelly Chia, Carter Hemion, Nancy La

NEWS Heat waves to be expected due to climate change

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Meera Eragoda eic@the-peak.ca COPY EDITOR Paige Riding copy@the-peak.ca

OPINIONS You need to stop putting yourself down just for a joke

NEWS EDITOR Michelle Young news@the-peak.ca NEWS WRITERS Karissa Ketter, Jaymee Salisi OPINIONS EDITORS Dev Petrovic, Marco Ovies opinions@the-peak.ca FEATURES EDITOR Marco Ovies features@the-peak.ca

FEATURES A win in the fight against the climate crisis

ARTS & CULTURE EDITOR Sara Wong arts@the-peak.ca HUMOUR EDITOR Kyla Dowling humour@the-peak.ca

ARTS & CULTURE

PRODUCTION AND DESIGN EDITOR Siloam Yeung production@the-peak.ca

Discover the work of emerging SFU artists

ASSISTANT PRODUCTION EDITORS Brianna Quan, Josh Ralla PHOTO EDITOR Gudrun Wai-Gunnarsson photos@the-peak.ca

HUMOUR Abraham Lincoln, impromptu therapy, and more: a look at your innermost thoughts during Zoom class

Get involved!

How it works!

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The Peak is the official weekly student newspaper of SFU and is published every Monday. We're funded by a student levy and governed by a board of directors. Any SFU student can become an editor, and we hire an editorial team every semester.

MULTIMEDIA EDITOR Karla Salazar multimedia@the-peak.ca ASSISTANT MULTIMEDIA EDITOR Rashi Sethi BUSINESS / ADVERTISING MANAGER Yuri Zhou business@the-peak.ca 778.782.3598

We reserve the right to edit submissions for length, as well as style, grammar, and legality. We also reserve the right to reprint submissions at any time, both in print and on web. We will not publish content that is sexist, racist, or otherwise prejudiced.

We acknowledge that The Peak's office is located and our paper is produced, distributed, and read on the Unceded Coast Salish Territories of the xwməθkwəy̓əm (Musqueam), Səl̓ílwətaʔ/Selilwitulh (Tsleil-Waututh), Kwikwitlem (Coquitlam), Kwantlen, Katzie, Semiahmoo, and Skwxwú7mesh Úxwumixw (Squamish) Peoples. Unceded means that this land was never surrendered, relinquished, or handed over in any way. We recognize that the unceded land that we occupy includes not only the SFU Burnaby campus, but extends to the land occupied by the Vancouver and Surrey campuses as well.

PROMOTIONS MANAGER Julie Vu promotions@the-peak.ca WEBSITE MANAGER Reza Shariatzadeh web@the-peak.ca DISTRIBUTION COORDINATOR Deby McIntosh BOARD OF DIRECTORS Kelly Chia, Pablo Clairmont, Emma Dunbar, Jacob Mattie, Angela Wachowick, Yuri Zhou

NEWS

July 12, 2021

RISK AND SAFETY

Three cars extinguished at SFU Burnaby No serious injuries were reported KA R ISSA KET TER // NE WS W RI TE R

On the morning of Wednesday July 7, 2021, the Burnaby Fire Department arrived at SFU’s Burnaby campus for a car fire in the West Mall parkade. SFU tweeted an alert at 9 a.m. asking people to stay clear of the West Mall complex as surrounding areas were being evacuated.

In a statement to The Peak, Andrea Ringrose, senior director of campus public safety, reported a total of three cars had caught fire in the parkade.

Ringrose said the cause of the fire is unknown. There were no serious injuries reported.

At 10 a.m., SFU released an update that the fire had been extinguished. “We are very thankful for the quick response from Campus Public Safety and Burnaby Fire

The area remains closed for environmental assessment.

Department, as well as others nearby who helped to ensure everyone’s safety,” said Ringrose.

The surrounding roads and the West Mall parkade reopened shortly after. The 9000 level of the parkade is remaining closed to allow for damage assessment and environmental and structural work.

Ringrose reported that Safety & Risk Services and Facilities Services are working with “a third-

Council Meeting The Council discusses Canada Day, reconciliation, and action for Indigenous communities Karissa Ketter // News Writer Content warning: mentions of the residential school system, colonialism, and genocide. #CancelCanadaDay President Gabe Liosis presented a motion asking Council to support the ongoing #CancelCanadaDay campaign. The motion was created by vice president (VP) events and student affairs Jess Dela Cruz. It asked Council to refrain from the idealization or celebration of Canada, instead amplifying #CancelCanadaDay on their social media.

It also asked for SFU flags to be lowered indefinitely and for a campaign to stop the Canadian national anthem from playing at any SFU events. On June 24, president Joy Johnson said in an email statement, “SFU’s flags will stay lowered indefinitely to honour the lives and mourn the loss of these discoveries,” in reference to the former Marieval Indian Residential School. The motion stated it aimed to hold Johnson accountable.

Dela Cruz noted First Nations Student Association member Audrey Heath said, “We don’t necessarily think Canada Day should be cancelled altogether, but the meaning of it should be changed. Instead of just celebrating this romanticized version of Canada, people should take the time to educate themselves on the colonial history.”

Discounting settler colonial narratives while “highlighting Indigenous knowledge systems” is important as society continues to educate themselves on Canadian history, said Dela Cruz. She continued, “We have a lot of work to do as an institution named after a colonizer.”

Councillors questioned the ethics of having less than 24 hours notice to pass a motion this large without time to consult their membership.

“This motion would, in essence, be asking for an environment at SFU in which it’s permissible to burn

a flag, but not to raise it,” said Computing Science Student Society representative Ryan Vansickle. While he noted he was personally in favour of the motion and welcomed the radical social change, he questioned the integrity of not allowing councillors appropriate time to consider.

Vansickle commented that, while they have responsibilities to act as allies to Indigenous communities, Councillors’ primary responsibility is to represent their membership.

“I guarantee that there has not been adequate discussion between Council, the Board, our student constituents, departmental student unions, and our executive teams because it simply was not possible to have done so,” said Vansickle.

Sustainable Energy Engineering Student Society representative Mohamed Al-Sheboul called on Council members to consider that Canada Day is also a time for international students and immigrants to celebrate all they have achieved because of Canada. “We should at least recognize that there is some good, and we can move towards something better,” said Al-Sheboul.

“To not celebrate the fact that we’ve come so far into this country — it just doesn’t seem fair,” said international student representative Kirtana Menon.

Dela Cruz asked Councillors to consider their place in the conversation. “We need to take ourselves out of this narrative, and we need to centre Indigenous peoples — and that’s not what we’re doing in this conversation.”

Warren Ho Kin, Data Science Student Union representative, attempted to amend the agenda to remove items disregarding celebrations of Canada, flags being lowered indefinitely, and the anthem not being played at events. He asked for the SFSS to participate in the hashtag trend and amplify the hashtag on social media only. These amendments were not passed.

P HOTO : Jonathan Wong / The Peak

party environmental service provider to assist with cleanup and remediation, to ensure this is done in an environmentally responsible manner.”

This is a developing story that will be updated with more information as frequently as possible. If you, or someone you know, has more information regarding this story, we’d like to hear from you. You may remain anonymous.

Please reach out to news@the-peak.ca with any further information you are comfortable sharing.

VP external and community affairs Matthew Provost said, “This is stuff that elders have been saying for years — this is stuff that our communities have been advocating for for years with the Truth and Reconciliation Commission of Canada.

“I always say that this one has to be done with an open mind and an open heart for it to be done in a good way.”

Gender, sexuality, and women’s studies student representative Devynn Butterworth said, “For white settlers, it’s easy to celebrate Canada Day, because it continues to perpetrate the colonial white supremacist values that the state of Canada was founded — and continues to operate — on [ . . . ] I ask my fellow settlers to reflect on how they can change their inherent biases to be more equitable.”

The motion was carried. 24 Councillors voted in favour, 2 Councillors voted against, and 12 Councillors abstained from the vote.

The Council’s Commitments to Reconciliation Provost brought forth a motion to Council asking them to stand in solidarity with Indigenous communities after the finding of over 1,300 unmarked graves. The motion tasks the SFSS with drafting Calls to Action in alignment with the 94 Calls to Action from the Truth and Reconciliation Commission of Canada.

The motion also asked Council to share resources, educate themselves and others, and donate $6,000 to the Indian Residential School Survivors Society.

Provost noted the finding of unmarked grave sites under residential schools is not an “isolated incident, and these numbers will continue to grow and they will continue to impact Indigenous communities.”

Provost explained that, along with his younger brother, he is the first generation of his family to not attend residential schools. Regarding SFU, he noted, “It’s a privilege to be an institution, to be able to learn and unpack these things in a good way, but we have to make sure that we’re not perpetuating the same narratives of colonial violence and ignoring the history that has been here.”

Menon noted, “I don’t think the Indigenous community wants thoughts and prayers, I think they want policy and change.”

Provost said, “The work isn’t done and it’s not going to be done for a long time.”

The motion passed unanimously.

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NEWS

News Editor Michelle Young

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News Writers Karissa Ketter and Jaymee Salisi

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news@the-peak.ca

TO A CERTAIN DEGREE

BC heat wave can be explained by climate change, says SFU expert The extreme weather is believed to have left 719 people dead over seven days in BC KA R ISSA KET T ER // NE WS W RI TE R

BC broke the record for the hottest temperature recorded in Canada on June 30, 2021, peaking at 49.6 C. The province experienced a heat wave during the end of June. SFU professor Dr. Ken Lertzman said the extreme weather events occurring are “clearly pegged to climate change.”

Lertzman said to expect more extreme weather conditions if emissions rise.

Lertzman noted he is not surprised by the weather.

“This is exactly what — for 20 years — the models have been saying we should expect for climate change.” He said along with warmer and drier summers, we can also expect “earlier springs and warmer, wetter winters.”

Wildfire risk can be calculated by tracking how dry the fuels are in the forest. If the forests are very dry, then the presence of an ignition source — a cigarette, lightning, or campfire — is more likely to start a wildfire.

As climate change affects ecosystems and temperatures, one of the first signs is shifts in extreme behaviours, such as the frequency and severity of hurricanes, tornadoes, or droughts, explained Lertzman. The recent droughts and heat waves along the coast of North America are not new. California experienced a period of drought for 376 weeks lasting from 2011 to 2019.

Drought periods dry out fuels — flammable material and plant life in the forest. It is challenging to burn wet fuel, whereas extremely dry material will burn easily.

Lertzman explained it’s similar to trying to light a campfire in the rain.

“What we’re seeing through a lot of western North America over the past decades, is the tendency for fires to burn with more extreme behaviour: higher severity that kills more trees and burns faster over a larger area, and has more severe ecological effects,” said Lertzman.

“Ultimately, the solution is not putting as much carbon in the atmosphere.” Lertzman added, the solution has been clear “since the mid 1990s.

“For people like me who have been doing research on this kind of thing for decades, every time there is an extreme event that hurts people like this, we hope, ‘well, maybe now people get the idea,’” said Lertzman. He

P HOTO : Malachi Brooks / Unsplash

said he wants people to understand the consequences of climate change are not hypothetical — they cause problems for the ecosystems today.

Lertzman noted an increased rate of mortality due to our heat wave and changing climate. As of July 2, the heat is believed to have played a role in 719 deaths over a seven-day period in BC. The “weather we’ve had over the last week really hit home for a lot of people, and hopefully this will cause people to make voting choices, their consumer purchases, and their choices about how they are as citizens to reinforce and push the climate change message,” said Lertzman.

While there are opportunities for individuals to take action in their personal life to reduce carbon consumption, “the leadership on that really needs to come from government — they need to create the conditions, and they need to create the policies that allow people to take meaningful actions on their own and support them in doing that.”

COVID WATCH

SFU COVID-19 rapid screening pilot project sees low participation Despite only 27% of BC’s total population being vaccinated, interest in screening on campus remains low JAYMEE SALI S I // N E WS W RI TE R

On June 8, 2021, SFU launched a COVID-19 rapid screening pilot project to operate on Tuesdays and Fridays for eight weeks. Taking place on the Burnaby campus, the pilot is open to students living in residence and varsity athletes from invited teams.

These groups were chosen for being contained within the SFU community and having regular access to the screening sites.

Using a nasal swab, the screening process provides participants with results in about 15 minutes. The pilot is meant to give extra protection to students living with a higher risk of contracting COVID-19. It will also determine the likelihood of the university opening up the screening system to more people in the SFU community.

In an interview with The Peak, director of Health & Counselling Services Martin Mroz said, “There have been no cases detected since the start of the pilot. This is not surprising, as the cases in BC have dropped a fair bit as well.”

Screening results are provided within 15 minutes.

The screening pilot is designed to proactively detect the virus in potential asymptomatic COVID-19 carriers. “There are still variants out there and there are still folks who have not been vaccinated, including children.

“Getting screened is one easy step people can take to prevent the further spread of COVID-19. If folks screen positive, they will receive options to get support.”

Mroz said participation in the pilot program has been low. “It seems people’s perceptions of COVID-19 as a risk to themselves and others changes quickly, as the provincial vaccination program has been progressing.”

According to the vaccination coverage updates on the government of Canada website, 66% of BC’s total population have received the first dose of the COVID-19 vaccine, and 27% of the total population is fully vaccinated as of July 5.

P HOTO : Mufid Majnun / Unsplash

The BCCDC reports COVID-19 cases dropping from a weekly average of 857 new cases throughout the month of June, to 35 new cases by the first week of July.

The website for the COVID-19 rapid screening pilot project says the program “will determine the feasibility of a wider screening approach for SFU in the future.”

Mroz said SFU’s COVID-19 management team hopes wider screening will not be necessary when campus reopens in the fall.

Step four of BC’s Restart Plan projects that, by September 7, 2021, over 70% of those 18+ will be vaccinated with the first dose of the COVID-19 vaccine. In addition, COVID-19 case counts and hospitalizations are expected to lessen over time.

More information about SFU’s rapid screening pilot program can be found on their website.

In light of the recent findings at residential schools across Canada and the calls of Indigenous peoples to implement the 94 Calls to Action published by the Truth and Reconciliation Commission in 2015, The Peak is reproducing these calls over seven issues. We hope slowly publishing these calls to action will help non-Indigenous readers understand what they are, reflect on them, and think about the ways they can show up in allyship.

Please find Calls to Action #1–49 in our previous three issues.

Calls to Action In order to redress the legacy of residential schools and advance the process of Canadian reconciliation, the Truth and Reconciliation Commission makes the following calls to action.

Reconciliation EQUITY FOR ABORIGINAL PEOPLE IN THE LEGAL SYSTEM

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51.

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In keeping with the United Nations Declaration on the Rights of Indigenous Peoples, we call upon the federal government, in collaboration with Aboriginal organizations, to fund the establishment of Indigenous law institutes for the development, use, and understanding of Indigenous laws and access to justice in accordance with the unique cultures of Aboriginal peoples in Canada.

We call upon the Government of Canada, as an obligation of its fiduciary responsibility, to develop a policy of transparency by publishing legal opinions it develops and upon which it acts or intends to act, in regard to the scope and extent of Aboriginal and Treaty rights.

We call upon the Government of Canada, provincial and territorial governments, and the courts to adopt the following legal principles: i.

Aboriginal title claims are accepted once the Aboriginal claimant has established occupation over a particular territory at a particular point in time.

ii.

Once Aboriginal title has been established, the burden of proving any limitation on any rights arising from the existence of that title shifts to the party asserting such a limitation.

NATIONAL COUNCIL FOR RECONCIL IATION

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We call upon the Parliament of Canada, in consultation and collaboration with Aboriginal peoples, to enact legislation to establish a National Council for Reconciliation. The legislation would establish the council as an independent, national, oversight body with membership jointly appointed by the Government of Canada and national Aboriginal organizations, and consisting of Aboriginal and non-Aboriginal members. Its mandate would include, but not be limited to, the following: i.

Monitor, evaluate, and report annually to Parliament and the people of Canada on the Government of Canada’s post-apology progress on reconciliation to ensure that government accountability for reconciling the relationship between Aboriginal peoples and the Crown is maintained in the coming years.

ii.

Monitor, evaluate, and report to Parliament and the people of Canada on reconciliation progress across all levels and sectors of Canadian society, including the implementation of the Truth and Reconciliation Commission of Canada’s Calls to Action.

iii. Develop and implement a multi-year National Action Plan for Reconciliation, which includes research and policy development, public education programs, and resources. iv. Promote public dialogue, public/private partnerships, and public initiatives for reconciliation.

54.

We call upon the Government of Canada to provide multi-year funding for the National Council for Reconciliation to ensure that it has the financial, human, and technical resources required to conduct its work, including the endowment of a National Reconciliation Trust to advance the cause of reconciliation.

55.

We call upon all levels of government to provide annual reports or any current data requested by the National Council for Reconciliation so that it can report on the progress towards reconciliation. The reports or data would include, but not be limited to: i.

The number of Aboriginal children—including Métis and Inuit children—in care, compared with non-Aboriginal children, the reasons for apprehension, and the total spending on preventive and care services by child-welfare agencies.

ii.

Comparative funding for the education of First Nations children on and off reserves.

iii. The educational and income attainments of Aboriginal peoples in Canada compared with non-Aboriginal people. iv. Progress on closing the gaps between Aboriginal and non-Aboriginal communities in a number of health indicators such as: infant mortality, maternal health, suicide, mental health, addictions, life expectancy, birth rates, infant and child health issues, chronic diseases, illness and injury incidence, and the availability of appropriate health services. v.

Progress on eliminating the overrepresentation of Aboriginal children in youth custody over the next decade.

vi. Progress on reducing the rate of criminal victimization of Aboriginal people, including data related to homicide and family violence victimization and other crimes. vii. Progress on reducing the overrepresentation of Aboriginal people in the justice and correctional systems.

56.

We call upon the prime minister of Canada to formally respond to the report of the National Council for Reconciliation by issuing an annual “State of Aboriginal Peoples” report, which would outline the government’s plans for advancing the cause of reconciliation.

PROFESSIONAL DEVELOPMENT AND TRAINING FOR PUBL IC SERVANTS

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We call upon federal, provincial, territorial, and municipal governments to provide education to public servants on the history of Aboriginal peoples, including the history and legacy of residential schools, the United Nations Declaration on the Rights of Indigenous Peoples, Treaties and Aboriginal rights, Indigenous law, and Aboriginal– Crown relations. This will require skills based training in intercultural competency, conflict resolution, human rights, and anti-racism.

In addition to reading these calls, please read the Assembly of First Nations’ 2020 Progress Report to find out how Canada is doing on implementing these calls.

OPINIONS

July 12, 2021

CRITICAL CRISIS

WHAT GRINDS OUR GEARS?

Factors like the displacement of tent cities make it difficult for the unhoused to receive resources.

PH OTO : Christopher Cheung / The Tyee

Unhoused people shouldn’t be neglected during dangerous weather conditions Extreme weather events like heat waves disproportionately endanger the unhoused population G UR LE E N AUJLA // PEAK ASSO CI ATE

A few weeks ago, BC faced a dangerous heat wave, with temperatures hitting the high 30s and 40s. We saw 719 sudden deaths during this “unprecedented” event, from which the heat may have been a “significant contributing factor.” Weather irregularities like heat waves are a serious hazard to our health and well-being. In events like these, we need to do better in protecting unhoused people.

Such events are felt disproportionately across various populations, where groups already facing inequities may be the most impacted. As a vulnerable population, unhoused people are at higher risk due to pre-existing and ongoing challenges. This may include a lack of access to stable housing, hunger, chronic diseases or respiratory issues, and mental health issues — not to mention the COVID-19 pandemic.

Extreme weather events will exacerbate existing challenges and health conditions, and temporary pop-up resources, such as misting stations, are not adequate solutions. The compounding of anti-homeless infrastructure, scarce support, and lack of ease in communicating information are a few ways we are failing the unhoused population.

Fake armrests on benches, fixed rocks, and spikes under bridges are all examples of anti-homeless infrastructure.

They are a waste of resources and are used to deter the people with the most need from using public spaces. This type of hostile architecture disproportionately impacts unhoused people from seeking shelter from weather conditions. Asante Haughton for Azure Magazine argues, “Our public spaces don’t need to be protected from the homeless, they need to be leveraged for the homeless.”

Extreme cold weather events prompt open warming centres, and for hot weather events, cooling centres. But these are not enough. The recent heat wave prompted a flurry of social media posts from municipalities about pop-up cooling centres, misting stations, and tips to stay cool, but unhoused people face additional barriers in accessing these short-term supports. Indoor public spaces turned into cooling centres, such as libraries or community centres, can often be stigmatizing as a shared environment with housed people. They can feel unwelcoming or excluding and may lack resources such as bottled water or a place to store belongings. Even then, during the worst of the heat wave, most of these centres were only open for limited hours during the day, despite temperatures barely cooling off at night.

This points to the lack of ease in communication, especially due to the displacement of tent cities preventing a centralized means to share information.

How can we ensure all those who need access to these

services are notified on time? For example, Burnaby RCMP sent officers to homeless camps in an attempt to distribute flyers with the location of cooling centres, but there were delays in finding camps, and they relied on officers’ previous knowledge of the areas. Also, considering the lack of trust the unhoused population has in the police, the RCMP are the wrong people to handle this responsibility.

Community organizations look to the public for support through financial contributions or donations. However, this points to the need for intersecting conversations and actions around the disproportionate impacts on certain groups during extreme weather events. This includes the role of governments, prioritizing budget resources, housing justice, and the alarming consequences of climate change.

The compounding of antihomeless infrastructure, scarce support, and lack of ease in communicating information are a few ways we are failing the unhoused population.

Extreme weather events such as heat waves are poised to be “more frequent, long-lasting, and intense” as the impacts of climate change worsen. Unhoused people are having to bear the brunt of one crisis after another.

Remember, the recent heat wave was the worst one — so far.

This issue requires a proactive approach to mitigating the consequences of extreme weather events by planning well in advance and reducing the prevalence of homelessness in the first place. Greener spaces and essential infrastructure should be implemented.

Community members can also be encouraged to donate essential items, such as sunscreen, hats, umbrellas, and non-perishable food items. Amid such emergencies, resources should be deployed efficiently. For example, shuttle buses to and from centres should be available, and they should be open 24/7.

As a year-round issue, we must work beyond these popup solutions.

Paying for printing Students should not have to pay extra to fully participate in class

I transferred to SFU in Fall 2020 from Douglas College, and this semester I had my first in-person class at SFU. It was exciting to have my first real-life university experience, until I discovered some flaws with SFU’s services — particularly, the cost of printing.

My professor asked that we print something and bring it to class. I don’t have a printer at home, so I had to go to a library. At Douglas, students were given 240 pages of free printing each semester. I figured SFU would have a similar service, considering how much more expensive the tuition and student fees are, but we have to pay for every single page! Although it’s just a few cents each time, it adds unnecessary stress. Many students work and take out loans, yet struggle to pay pricey tuition. When students are going into debt to go to school, it is insulting that we have to pay extra to submit work or participate fully in class.

Lack of access to printing puts working students at a disadvantage. They must take the time to go to the library to print, when they are already busy, then pay extra for pages they are required to bring to class. Students should be given at least 100 pages per semester for assignments, so they are not paying more just to submit their work. SFU needs to consider how the cost of printing affects students financially and emotionally.

Written by Victoria Belway Illustrated by Alyssa Marie Umbal

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OPINIONS

Opinions Editors Dev Petrovic and Marco Ovies

BE NICE

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opinions@the-peak.ca

SEIZE BACK THE STREETS

Selfdeprecating humour isn’t funny Many people will try to make your life difficult — don’t be one of them

The City should be creating and incentivizing alternative methods of transport.

Use your words to build yourself up instead of tearing yourself down.

IL LU ST RAT ION : Sabrina Kedzior / The Peak

JACOB MAT T I E // P EAK ASSO CI ATE

It’s shockingly common to hear people say, “Of course, but I’m me, so [insert self-destructive behaviour]” or, “Oh, haha, no, I’m not smart or talented enough to do that.”

To start: what the fuck? In a conversation, it is difficult to respond to a line like that.

“Haha, yes, indeed you are the worst.” This is a weird dynamic that makes me feel like my high school bullies, something I’d rather avoid if possible.

Alternatively, it’s pretty hard to argue with you, the foremost expert on yourself, about who you are.

Would I be calling you a liar to disagree?

Clearly, the solution is for you to stop putting yourself down. It doesn’t do any good.

Having flaws is fine. Taking ownership of them is even better — it means you’re aware of them and makes you easier to be around. The problem is when you use them to highlight your personality. There are plenty of things you’re good at, and no, being good at being bad is not one of them.

Is it a way of trying to soften an inevitable failure?

Because, despite what many people pretend, failure is really common. Not only are we students who, by definition, learn skills through practice, experimentation, and failure, but the act of failure itself shows we are pushing ourselves to try new things and get out of our comfort zone.

If self-deprecation is a habit from past (or current) trauma, then you have my most sincere sympathies. I implore you to look deep within yourself, grab fistfuls of the spite that may have calcified onto your being, and lather it onto your every achievement, building a monument of pride invulnerable to the attacks of those who might try to belittle you. You should not have to defend yourself against your own attacks.

Give it time. It takes practice.

When you next find yourself in a situation where you are unsure of yourself, or when fear, anxiety, and depression (among others) start tearing at your thoughts, take a moment and give yourself words from which you can build. Don’t feel the need to put yourself down. Instead, try phrases like “[selfdestructive behaviour] is something I struggle with,” “[some skill] is something I’ve never felt inclined to practice,” or even “I’m still working on it.” I’d much rather cheer you on your path to improvement than argue with you about it.

P HOTO : City of Vancouver

Re-envisioning public space should not stop after the pandemic Car supremacy will most likely return, but it doesn’t have to M E E RA E RAG O DA / / E D ITO R - IN - C H IE F

A century ago, the balance of who occupied the streets tipped toward pedestrians and non-car users. Then, the booming auto industry led campaigns to criminalize things like jaywalking, pushing pedestrians increasingly onto narrow spaces on the periphery of the road.

car-busy roads, but these are vastly lacking in cities like Burnaby, that also have green goals. These alternative travel methods should also be accessible with cities making it easy to obtain access to low-cost bikes, rollerblades, and the like.

We have a taste of what a pedestrian-leaning street feels like now that some streets in residential areas of the City of Vancouver are deemed Slow Streets. These are car-restricted streets made for pedestrians, cyclists, and rollerbladers. But as we’re slowly coming out of the pandemic, the roads are getting busier with cars. While Slow Streets are still around, our past history shows that car supremacy will likely return.

If the City is so serious about going green, one of the things they need to do is make cities more friendly to methods of transport other than cars.

If we want these streets to remain inclusive of more than cars, we should not let them slip through our fingers. A major barrier to having this reimagining of public space stick around is that people don’t know how they’re meant to be used. In the beginning of the pandemic, people were more comfortable walking on the roads, but whenever I’m on a Slow Street now, people tend to default to cars and stay on the sidewalks.

It wasn’t until reading the City’s website, where it explicitly states these streets are for “walking, cycling, and rolling [and] make it easier to exercise and access businesses in your local neighbourhood,” that I realized I was still allowed to actually walk on these roads. The City needs a better education campaign to let both car and non-car users know how to use these streets properly and what each party’s rights are.

The information is on their website, sure. But how many people regularly go to their municipality’s website?

Meanwhile, because the City takes their recycling campaign seriously, I’ve seen plenty of ads on Instagram of how to recycle properly. If the City is so serious about going green, they should make cities more friendly to methods of transport other than cars. Using social media to educate people on how to make streets inclusive of more than cars is one way.

Another way to de-centre cars (and not through punitive measures like parking fees) is by creating and incentivizing alternative methods of transportation.

Vancouver already has quite a decent network of protected bike lanes and designated bike paths off

The City also needs to prioritize more than its privileged members. Throughout this pandemic, while opening up public spaces for recreation and local businesses, it has and continues to wage a war on the unhoused who rely on outdoor spaces for survival. They’ve closed up parks, thrown out belongings, and refused to open up bathrooms. This isn’t just exclusive to the City of Vancouver either; municipalities all over BC have prioritized affluent members and demonized those who need the most support.

Our use of the streets is political. Cities, like everything else, have been designed by and for able-bodied cis white men. Taking up public space is difficult for anyone who’s not an able-bodied cis white man, and it becomes particularly dangerous for Black and Indigenous people, especially those who face compounding oppressions.

Our infrastructure needs to change, not only to de-centre cars and implement more than recreational spaces for privileged people, but to provide safe spaces for those who need it and involve communities in public space decisions. They need to take issues like Indigenous rights to the land, ableism, racism, and classism (just to name a few) seriously.

The pandemic has shown us there are creative, safe ways to use streets that don’t just centre cars. When we look back at this time, hopefully we won’t have to remember the reign of pedestrians and cyclists as fleeting. And in the future, hopefully we’ll also see a more equitable design of space that does more than prioritize the recreation of the already privileged.

FEATURES

Dutch court orders Shell to reduce carbon emissions by 45% by 2030 This ruling sets a precedent in the fight against climate change In a landmark case, Royal Dutch Shell, more commonly known as Shell, was ordered by a court in The Hague to reduce their carbon emissions by 45% by 2030. The case was brought forth by the Dutch branch of international environmental organization Friends of the Earth and over 17,000 individual co-plaintiffs.

Shell’s arguments in the court proceedings included new carbon emission targets that were set in February 2021 for the corporation to transition its business to net-zero by 2050. This included a 6–8% reduction by 2023, 20% by 2030, and 45% by 2035. However, the plaintiff’s lawyers argued the corporation had been aware of the environmental impacts of the fossil fuel industry for decades and the new targets were still insufficient.

The 45% reduction in emissions is in accordance with the 2030 target agreed upon by climate scientists through the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC), as well as energy analysts from the International Energy Agency (IEA).

While Shell did not break any laws, the court established that “an imminent violation of the reduction obligation” would occur, and that the corporation’s policies and ambitions “largely amount to rather intangible, undefined, and non-binding plans for the long-term.”

If a 45% reduction in emissions is achieved by 2030, and net-zero by 2050, then the impacts of human-caused climate change can be limited to a global 1.5 C increase in temperature.

Written by Harvin Bhathal

“For the time being, the most effective way to reduce global emissions is for governments to implement compulsory decarbonization policies of increasing stringency in their jurisdictions,” said Budd.

Rachel Kennerley, an international climate campaigner at Friends of the Earth, said, “If van Beurden was as serious about this as he claims, he’d stop dismissing his company’s role in driving this devastating situation and would use the court ruling as an intervention to do the right thing, rather than appealing it with all of Shell’s corporate might.”

In terms of what Shell reducing their carbon emissions by 45% will look like, van Beurden pointed to the corporation’s Energy Transition Strategy published in April 2019. This includes decarbonization investments such as “electric vehicle charging, hydrogen, power from wind and solar energy, and biofuels.”

Budd noted, “It is also important to consider that this could also raise the cost of energy Shell is able to provide relative to other fossil fuel providers, causing an economic feedback effect where fuel users could partially shift away from Shell and buy other higher emitting and cheaper sources of energy from elsewhere.”

This was a part of Shell’s counter-arguments, which van Beurden alluded to on Linkedin. He stated, “Demand for fuel would not change.”

However, the court found that “other companies will have to respect human rights” and “make a contribution” in mitigating the climate crisis as well.

According to Panmao Zhai, co-chair of IPCC Working Group I, limiting the global temperature increase is significant because “we are already seeing the consequences of 1 C of global warming through more extreme weather, rising sea levels, and diminishing Arctic sea ice, among other changes.”

According to Budd, “[T]he most significant outcome of this ruling will likely be that environmental organizations all over the world will feel embolden[ed] to bring their own lawsuits against corporations which supply fossil fuels.”

In an interview with The Peak, Thomas Budd, PhD Candidate and member of SFU’s Energy and Material Research Group (EMRG), said, “Even though individual societies and private corporations may still seek to achieve stronger climate targets,” the 45% and net-zero targets are “fundamentally important.”

Although he noted that “other jurisdictions have different legal systems and rules” than The Hague, “if the court ruling against Shell can be replicated in other jurisdictions and applied to more fossil fuel companies around the globe, legal action against individual fossil fuel corporations can potentially grow to become a more potent tool for climate action.”

Shell has vowed to appeal the court’s ruling, but the court has also said their decision must be immediately implemented and not suspended pending an appeal. In previous climate action lawsuits in the Netherlands, there is precedent of losing appeals; the Dutch government lost multiple appeals in a case where the Dutch Supreme Court ruled the government had an obligation to protect the rights of their citizens regarding the climate crisis.

Friends of the Earth and over 17,000 individual co-plaintiffs made history by taking one of the world’s most powerful and environmentally destructive corporations to court and winning. As Budd noted, this case has the potential to set a precedent for future cases against the fossil fuel industry and accelerate the transition to more sustainable and renewable forms of energy consumption.

“In general, I can foresee that this question concerning a court’s role in ordering climate action on private corporations could be brought to courts and courts of appeal all over the world as more claims against fossil fuel companies are made,” said Budd.

According to the court proceedings, Shell argued that “the energy transition required for achieving [this goal] demands a concerted effort of society as a whole.” The plaintiffs also agreed with the statement.

The court “acknowledge[d] that Shell cannot solve this global problem on its own. However, this does not absolve Shell of its individual partial responsibility to do its part regarding the emissions of the Shell group, which it can control and influence.”

Shell’s arguments were rejected on the basis that corporations have legal obligations to address the climate crisis through “the best available science” on climate change.

In addition, van Beurden added that corporations “need bold, clear, and consistent government policies and regulations.”

PHOTO: Jethro Carullo / Unsplash

In a LinkedIn post titled “The spirit of Shell will rise to the challenge,” Shell CEO Ben van Beurden wrote, “I still feel disappointed that Shell is being singled out by a ruling that I believe does not help reduce global CO2 emissions.”

FEATURES

Vaccine production companies place money first Medical patents are being exploited by pharmaceutical companies Written by Nancy La P HOTO: Spencer Davis / Unsplash

If the invention of the vaccine is humanity’s greatest gift, then the concept of medical patents is our greatest curse. News of vaccine shipments being delayed and affecting the global supply chain presents a glaring question: why are there so few companies in charge of making vaccines? Surely there must be other factories and companies willing to help with production?

The answer lies in medical patents, and it is this legal status that allowed large pharmaceutical companies such as Pfizer to “artificially ration” the COVID-19 vaccines. By keeping the medical patent to the vaccine, Pfizer, along with other brands such as Moderna and Astra-Zeneca, are prolonging the pandemic by slowing down herd immunity at the cost of human lives.

A patent is a form of protection for intellectual property. More specifically, a medical patent pertains to pharmaceuticals, including their production methods and ways to use them. Patentees (companies who are awarded patents) will have exclusive rights to market and produce the product for a certain number of years, usually 20. Ideally, by giving a company this monopoly — where they are the only one making and selling a certain product — the revenue will make up for the patentee’s initial investment in the research and development of the product.

In the beginning, patents are a way for the government to incentivize companies to advance medical research and development.

Yet, as we can see with the COVID-19 vaccine, having pharmaceutical companies be the only ones in charge of making and distributing vaccines during a pandemic is ineffective and unethical.

It must be noted that the initial investment for Pfizer and Moderna, which kickstarted their research on the COVID-19 vaccine, came from taxpayers.

Moderna, for example, was funded by the US National Institutes of Health.

BioNTech, Pfizer’s partner in developing the vaccine, received $445 million in funding from the German government. This means the vaccines these companies developed are a part of a public good funded by the people. It makes no sense for them to be the ones holding patents on COVID-19 vaccines.

Pharmaceutical companies were not the only ones who invested in research and development — governments and their people did too. Capitalism, enabled by means of medical patents leading to market monopolies, cheated the people. Governments now have to pay Pfizer and Moderna for vaccines, but these companies have no ethical or moral grounds to be charging money for their products.

Capitalism, enabled by means of medical patents leading to market monopolies, cheats the people.

Groups such as the People’s Vaccine Alliance are campaigning for a “people’s vaccine” for COVID-19. They point out companies such as Pfizer and Moderna are “putting up barriers to restrict production and drive up prices” by refusing to suspend intellectual property rights. For pharmaceutical companies, earning revenue from a pandemic that has already killed millions is an acceptable practice. How can we trust they will do what is best for humanity when they approach a health crisis as a business opportunity?

Oxfam, a supporter of the People’s Vaccine Alliance, published a report on how companies like Pfizer, Moderna, and Astra-Zeneca plan to produce enough for a third of the world’s population. But because rich countries around the world buy multiple doses of vaccines, the actual coverage of the vaccine is less than projected. As rich countries hoard vaccines, countries with less buying power are left vulnerable to contracting the virus.

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Other vaccine production companies, such as GlaxoSmithKline (GSK), Merck, and Sanofi, have the production capabilities to increase the global vaccine supply but have been unable to due to longer trial periods and lack of funds. If Pfizer, Moderna, and Astra-Zeneca are willing to share their vaccine findings and waive their patents, these major vaccine producers can help ramp up production and help balance out the global market need and supply for vaccines.

Anna Marriott, Oxfam’s health policy manager, points to pharmaceutical companies for creating this health disparity in the first place. “By refusing to share their technology and waive their intellectual property, companies like Moderna and Pfizer/BioNTech, are artificially rationing the supply of successful vaccines with the hopes of reaping huge financial rewards.”

With scientists predicting we will need booster shots for COVID-19 once the pandemic is over, there is a legitimate worry that one day, the vaccines will no longer be free to the public.

Pharmaceutical companies are reported to keep prices for the vaccines down during the pandemic for the sake of optics and goodwill, but they are expected to raise prices once the pandemic is over. With the price of a regular Pfizer pneumococcal vaccine clocking in at $200 per dose, we can expect these pharmaceutical companies to use these COVID-19 booster shots to make even more money.

Capitalist markets have veered pharmaceutical companies away from doing what is right, instead pushing them to do what brings in revenue. This “money first” mentality no longer deserves to be protected by patent laws, which were meant to drive innovation and research for the public good. Continuing to allow patents to be exploited for money with no restrictions no longer serves its intended purpose of helping advance technology for all of us.

Even during one of humanity’s greatest health crises, we are seeing pharmaceutical companies refuse to share their patents and vaccine knowledge with others to help end the pandemic. This selfishness of prioritizing profits costs human lives. The only way to ensure health equity for all is by taking action.

Joining causes such as the People’s Vaccine Alliance and placing political pressure on governments to waive vaccine patents for the COVID-19 vaccine is just the beginning. We cannot expect companies to do what is right in a capitalist market where money is generated off a public health crisis.

ARTS & CULTURE

July 12, 2021

BY NAN CY L A

Food for Thought:

Coffee’s complicated history

Dive into the cultural, political, and personal significance of food

It is a universally acknowledged truth that many students wishing to perform their best require caffeine’s help. Coffee is one of the most popular caffeinated beverages, yet it is a product that leads to dangerous worker exploitation. This is due to its colonial history and the way it is produced today. This important staple makes our day much better, but we must also educate ourselves on its controversial past and present in order to make the most ethical consumer decisions.

For the most part, coffee can only be grown in what is called the “Bean Belt,” an area spanning 25 degrees north and 30 degrees south of the equator. There are some exceptions to this — I’ve tried coffee from the Yunnan region of China — but in general, it is the Bean Belt that supplies the majority of the world’s coffee.

Coffee was already popular in Middle Eastern countries, such as Turkey and Yemen, before Europeans got hold of the bean in the 17th century. The Dutch were the first to start commercializing coffee beans through slavery in their colony of Java, and the British and French soon followed the colonial coffee production model. The use of enslaved or low-cost human labour for this special bean never went away; it continues to be a part of the coffee trade today.

Due to the inherent capitalistic nature of modern consumerism, coffee bean farmers have to sell their beans at incredibly low prices. Major companies that hold large market shares in the coffee trade have great leverage against small coffee farmers. Nestlé and Jacobs Douwe Egberts, for example, take up 40% of the world’s coffee market with brands familiar in North America and Europe like Tassimo, Maxwell House, Coffeemate, and Nespresso.

ILLUSTRATION: Alyssa Marie Umbal / The Peak

Companies with large market shares can suppress prices and pay farmers poorly. On top of the extreme environments coffee requires to grow, such as

high altitudes and rocky volcanic soil, the working conditions of coffee farmers that trade with large brands have been reported to be “slavery-like” and “life-threatening.”

Because major corporations such as Nestlé buy mass quantities of coffee beans at such low rates, they can afford to sell their products at cheaper prices than ethical coffee roasters who import beans at fair market prices. The two different models dictate whether or not farmers and workers can earn livable wages. This is why a large container of Maxwell coffee comes in at 75 cents per 100 grams at Walmart, but a bag of coffee beans from a local roaster, like Pallet, who gets their beans from a traceable and ethical source, comes in at around $6.17 per 100 grams.

Another reason for the higher price tag is the range of complex flavours available and the option to try coffees from various locations. Personally speaking, the experience of brewing specialty coffee is otherworldly and irreplaceable.

Am I happy to spend more than eight times the amount of money on coffee when I can get away with spending less? Absolutely not. But am I going to allow myself to participate in a production that uses child labour and slavery to give me my daily caffiene boost?

Also a resounding no.

While it is incredibly messed up that the burden of moral consumption is placed upon the shoulders of small consumers, I do believe in fairly paying workers and maintaining a fairer coffee trade. Of course, I am financially at a place where I can afford ethical consumption, and others might not have the choice to do so. It is a huge fault within our society that only those who have money can consume products ethically, and those who cannot have no choice but to pay large corporations and fuel the vicious cycle of global capitalism.

ART IN ACTION

Shion Skye Carter wins Iris Garland Emerging Choreographer Award The SFU alum shares upcoming performance plans CARTE R HEMI ON // STAF F W RI TE R

Shion Skye Carter, SFU alum, is the winner of this year’s Iris Garland Emerging Choreographer Award. This summer, the queer, Japanese-Canadian choreographer and performer worked with Kisyuu, a Vancouver-based Japanese calligrapher, to create Flow Tide, an interdisciplinary art piece. Next year, Carter will perform a solo piece titled Residuals.

Carter and Kisyuu’s work is inspired by and plays out as a conversation between dance and calligraphy.

In 2019, Carter began taking lessons in Japanese calligraphy after not practicing it for years. Now, she continues to take online lessons twice a month. In early 2020, Kisyuu suggested working together, and Carter was eager to start.

Before Carter and Kisyuu could create a live performance, the first lockdown began, so they created a short film together instead. The two each filmed their parts separately, with Kisyuu’s writing and Carter’s dance becoming Flow Tide. They presented their work at last year’s Powell Street Festival, an annual celebration of Japanese-Canadian arts and culture.

According to Carter, Flow Tide is an “abstract conversation that we’re having, and it’s a way for us to

have connected together and brought our art forms together and also connect to both of our Japanese ancestry and heritage.” The pair chose Japanese Kanji characters to write and interpret movement around.

They selected “some specific words that resonated with [them] in that early part of the pandemic,” including “distance” and “collaboration.”

Carter and Kisyuu revived Flow Tide for this year’s Powell Street Festival with a live performance and video. They are “approaching it from a meditative place” by taking approximately “15 minutes to write one Japanese word onto a large sheet of canvas.”

The live performance utilized tall brushes with which to write and dance. Carter explained the performance is “about being in the present moment and taking the time to slow down and appreciate this traditional art form of calligraphy but from a new, modern and contemporary perspective.”

Calligraphy has also influenced another one of Carter’s upcoming performances. In 2022, she will perform her work Residuals at the Scotiabank Dance Centre. The SFU alum started creating Residuals in 2019 during a mentorship with choreographer Ziyian Kwan, “an Asian Canadian artist [with] strong ties to her heritage.” Carter said, “Seeing how she allows that to inform her work in a very organic and natural way is very inspiring.”

Carter lived in Japan until she was six years old and continued visiting family there every year after moving.

“The most consistent space of home for me has been my grandparents’ house [ . . . ] in a little city called Toki in the Japanese mountainside,” she said. Her time living in Japan and her connection with Kwan helped Carter connect her heritage and identity with her movement. In Japan, “everything is lower to the ground,” she said, recalling images of sitting on tatami mats in her old house. “So the choreography involves a lot of stuff where I’m very low to the floor.”

Residuals is a way for Carter to explore memory. For example, she recalls her grandfather smoking while squatting in his bonsai garden, a memory which “lies in [her] hips” and is “a really visceral way to connect with [her] body” when dancing. Using tension and resolution, she explores her identity “as a queer person, having a lot of tension with [her] Japanese

Carter’s choreography is inspired by her heritage.

PH OTO : Courtesy of Shion Skye Carter

heritage and identity” and “seeing where [she fits] in these different spaces and different situations.”

Carter previewed her solo Residuals in Halifax in early 2020 and is excited to bring it to the Scotiabank Dance Centre in 2022.

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ARTS & CULTURE

Arts & Culture Editor Sara Wong

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arts@the-peak.ca

THIS TOO SHALL PASS C

B

A

A

C

An in-depth look at the exhibition, featuring multimedia pieces by (A) Homa Khosravi, (B) Katie Kozak, and (C) Silas Ng.

Visual art students create thoughtprovoking artwork SFU MFA first years showcase diverse talent at some things may pass PAIGE S MI T H // PEAK ASSO CI ATE

In the midst of the pandemic, SFU’s first-year master of fine arts (MFA) students have successfully assembled an in-person exhibition. The work showcases their artistic research into topics such as identities and form.

Walking into the often forgotten gallery space of SFU’s Vancouver campus at 611 Alexander St., viewers see an assemblage of works. Each piece is distinct in style, though many involve moving images and sculptural elements.

The exhibition contains works from Barry OlusegunNoble Despenza, Tin Gamboa, Homa Khosravi, Katie

P HOTO : Paige Smith / The Peak

Kozak, Silas Ng, Jami Reimer, Matthew Toffoletto, and Katayoon Yousefbigloo. A few of these artists’ pieces are detailed in this article and pictured above.

objects. These objects were borrowed from Durey and taken by Kozak to the ocean. There, she allowed the body of water to alter the objects.

Three odd wooden boxes hang from a wall, each black with exquisitely painted flowers on their sides. The boxes are visibly open, and each contains a delicate object. The first holds sewing needles stuck to the top of the box, each holding a loose pink thread.

The farthest box contains a dried, flattened yellow flower pinned like a dead butterfly for display. The middle box bears very small photographic projections, reminiscent of the antiquated practice of projecting family travel photos.

The title seems to clarify Kozak’s artmaking process and her work’s environmental inclination. She borrowed the materials from Durey, but also borrowed the seawater and salts from the ocean. She states she plans to return everything, but the viewer is left to wonder whether they will be returned to the human owner of the objects or the land from which the objects originated.

The photos evoke a personal and private world: cozy homes, women holding flowers. The grain of the wood creates a beautiful texture for the projection, and the sides of the box suggest a darkened miniature theatre.

Before even examining the artist's statement, it is clear Homa Khosravi’s Pink Lacquer is an intimate piece.

Khosravi’s piece attempts to magnify her Islamic and Iranian heritage, alongside her recently passed mother. She gracefully interweaves symbols of growth in the painted flowers and loose threads with the symbols of grief in the calcified, pinned dead flower and the grainy family photography.

Nearby, a glowing blue light emanates from the ground. The light is shining through the sandcovered glass table top. Round mirrors sit on top, inviting viewers low to the ground to see Katie Kozak’s work in detail.

Working with SFU MFA graduate artist Lucien Durey, Kozak’s piece, Everything is borrowed and will be returned, contains an assortment of sea-related

Sprawling across the back wall, Silas Ng’s The Blue Room immediately calls for closer inspection. The bright blue cyanotype prints each depict a graph layered over blurry images of a cello player. The graph’s x-axis indicates audio frequencies, the y-axis decibels, and markings show whether the sound is heard with the left or right ear; the prints depict a hazy and confusing potential reading of how to visualize audio.

Accompanying the prints is a looping projection piece that layers the images further. The absence of an accompanying soundtrack to the moving image component seems to intentionally point to our assumptions of certain visuals containing accompanying sounds. The artist statement describes the work as an attempt to transform unseen sound into visual materials, navigating between Ng’s experiences in both “audiocentric and Deaf worlds.”

The SFU MFA first-year exhibition some things may pass was filled with distinct works with a diversity of topics and forms explored.

For more, check out @611studio on Instagram.

HUMOUR

July 12, 2021

Your new teen show obsession: Blue’s Clues Like the Archie comics and Winx Club before it, this beloved childrens’ show is about to be massacred

Written by Kelly Chia, Illustrated by Shaheen Virk The CW recently leaked a script of its newest revival. The victim? Blue’s Clues. We at The Peak are giving you an exclusive preview of their latest broody hit. We know. We didn’t ask for this either.

INT. STEVE’S HOME - NIGHT The home of Steve and Blue. The formerly bright house leaves only hints of its juvenile beginnings: the ‘70s wallpaper is now a dull orange.

STEVE (29 to play 15) walks into frame. He dons a beanie, his beloved striped shirt, and cuffed jeans. Steve peers at the CAMERA, then waves his hand dismissively. He sits slumped against a couch and begins doodling.

In the corner of the frame, NOTEBOOK (18) and SIDETABLE DRAWER (24) are seen snickering.

STEVE (Voiceover) It’s been a tiring night. Blue is still gone, and I have to deal with the consequences. I’ve been at my couch all day while my so-called Notebook and the Sidetable Drawer have been sneaking off to gossip.

SIDETABLE DRAWER (to NOTEBOOK) I say that it’s good she left him!

Girl power! (quieter) God, I’m so tired of his Kelly Green shirt.

Has he heard of variety?

STEVE self-consciously touches his shirt.

NOTEBOOK tucks a stray coil of hair behind her ear, looking at STEVE shyly.

NOTEBOOK (hushed, to SIDETABLE DRAWER) I don’t know, his smooth crayon drawings have me feeling a type of way.

STEVE (V.O.) Their chatter didn’t matter. I’m Mr. Steve Burns, the man who has it all! I’ve been wanting to get out of my contracted outfit for a bit, but hey, them’s the breaks. I know I get extra adoration when I wear the outfit.

STEVE approaches the mirror and tosses some well-deserved finger guns at himself.

STEVE (V.O.) Sometimes, you lose out on your opportunity to wear your My Chemical Romance T-shirt and you gotta put on the Old Navy long sleeve polo, even if your roommates laugh at you.

Call that Steve’s Declassified Show Survival Guide — wait, is that copyrighted?

While STEVE ponders to himself, MR. PEPPER (35) walks into the living room. MR. PEPPER

dons a leather jacket that barely conceals the smattering of tattoos across his body.

He eyes STEVE witheringly.

MR. PEPPER You look like someone’s cursed Tumblr crush.

MR. PEPPER shakes his head healthily. STEVE sneezes.

STEVE (V.O.) Don’t get it twisted: I am the protagonist, alright. Not a dog.

MRS. PEPPER (25 to play 40) walks in after her husband, shaped like a saucer in her ceramic white dress. She speaks with a thick New York accent.

MRS. PEPPER Steve? Ya can’t keep bein’ hung up on Blue.

She’d want ya to move on.

STEVE turns to the CAMERA, speaking past the fourth wall. His voice has the nasal pitch of a YouTuber reviewing tech.

STEVE Blue isn’t dead. She’s run off with that garishly pink girl, Magenta. And I need your help to figure out where she is!

STEVE’s tone drops at the last sentence. He isn’t sure he believes in that anymore. The scene cuts to his fond memories.

STEVE (V.O.) I’ve been on my own for a while, even before Blue left. I remember her blueberry-scented fur wafting happily through the room, her paws dotting the way with every mystery. But we’ve grown up now, and she’s more content spending time with Magenta than solving mysteries with me.

STEVE takes a drag of his cigar. And then, he sees it: the PAW PRINTS on the wall (like, writing on the wall. Get it?) He approaches it, reverently.

STEVE Blue?

The prints start to glow faintly, revealing a HUMANOID SILHOUETTE. This was not a cartoon dog. ???

I am no longer “Blue.” I am Project 9271111, and I am your worst nightmare.

STEVE Fuck.

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14 HUMOUR

Humour Editor Kyla Dowling

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humour@the-peak.ca

DOGGONE DEGREES

Why so few SFU students graduate in four years SFU’s modelling based on McFogg the Dog illustrates need for large sample size

WR IT T EN BY JAC OB M AT T IE

Burnaby, BC — In a recent statement of apology, SFU administration admitted to making some inaccurate assumptions when outlining a bachelor’s degree as taking four years.

“It was a perfectly natural mistake, and it could have happened to anyone,” said one staff member who preferred to remain anonymous. “When deciding on course rosters and the time commitment needed for an undergraduate degree, we used McFogg the Dog as a basis for our modelling. While McFogg is objectively the ideal student, they are also a dog, and so experience time differently. To our eyes, McFogg the Dog took four years to graduate. However, when accounting for dog years, this is closer to 28 years — something more in line with what we’ve come to see in our students’ academic progression.

“We wish we noticed this earlier, but we were frankly overloaded with encouraging students to take heavier courseloads and less breaks. There are nearly 26,000 students enrolled at SFU, and it takes a lot of work to

To avoid the university blues, first acknowledge you will never be as good as McFogg.

make sure they continue to put academics ahead of their mental well-being and real-world perspective.”

While some have criticized the SFU administration’s poor choice of sample size, others praised what they argue could, in a certain light, be considered a service to students.

“Mental health on campus is pretty dismal,” said seventh-year political science student Ulma Graedes.

“But with these policies, I can convince myself that at least SFU is on our side. By rushing us through our degrees, they’re sparing us years we might have otherwise spent in an equally miserable university lifestyle.”

“I’ve certainly supported more tenuous claims in some of my essays,” she added.

I L LUSTRATI O N : Siloam Yeung / The Peak

However, other students and faculty were shocked to learn that McFogg should no longer be considered the standard, as they have gotten increasingly used to pets attending Zoom classes. One professor believed something was wrong with Canvas when Sir Fluffykins and Macavity the Mystery Cat did not show up on their course roster. (There was something wrong with Canvas, of course, but it wasn’t that.)

Indeed, the lines dividing human students and canine learners have become increasingly muddled over the past year, as many (human) students have displayed their pets on camera during online classes. Worsening the problem, recent direct-to-DVD release Air Bud™ Does Calculus documents the heartwarming story of one such case of canine success, in which underdog golden retriever Buddy discovers a propensity for integration and aces a calculus exam against all odds.

What you’re actually thinking about when attending a late-night Zoom class

It simply isn’t possible. We can never escape those iClickers

Written by Tiffany Chang

“Geez, I almost forgot about my iClicker.”

While quickly rummaging in your drawer for concealer to cover up your Sims-induced eyebags, your fingers brush against a small box.

Curious as to what’s inside, you tentatively pull out the box only to see an iClicker looking brandnew in its packaging. “Wow,” you think. “I haven’t used this ghastly remote control since I took that one humanties class that went into way too much detail about Poseidon’s bestiality a million semesters ago. I should probably sell the thing,” you muse. In reality, you’ll soon pretend it isn’t there. You’ll act like you didn’t spend a fortune on this iClicker like everything else you’ve bought for school.

“Is it humanly possible to sleep with my eyes open?”

You’re super tired, but there’s still 30 minutes of class left. You say to yourself: “Should I try and stay awake for this? Or figure out how to get away with taking a power nap while my camera is on?

Or I could totally try to sleep with my eyes open — if guinea pigs and the villain from The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl can do it, why can’t I? On second thought, maybe I should lean to the side and let my head droop a little bit so they can’t see my eyes close.” (Fair warning: your TA totally saw you conk out.)

“I should introduce the idea of a weekly group therapy session during our breakout rooms!”

We whine about courses and workloads whenever we’re put into breakout rooms, anyway.

You might as well make the therapy official.

Everyone knows the best way to effectively complain is with people who can relate. And besides, there’s nothing like baring your soul to a group of total strangers that you won’t even wave to when you pass them in the hallways in the fall. Sometimes you just need to tell people about the time an Abraham Lincoln roleplay Twitter account revealed your deepest secrets to their 16 followers. It’s easier for them to live with that knowledge than for you to live with the shame that you disappointed one of the funkiest American presidents, style-wise.

Search

“What should I have for a snack?”

It’s 9:00 p.m. on a Tuesday night. Dinner seems like it happened a lifetime ago. The professor is talking, but it’s all going in one ear and out the other because all you want to do is rummage through the pantry for some munchies. Maybe that bag of Cheetos you were eyeing yesterday hasn’t been completely consumed by your family or the rogue band of mice that live in the cupboard. Let’s hope no one hears your stomach growling. “What if I quickly sneak away and come back? Will shutting my camera off be too conspicuous? They’ll just assume I’ve gone to the bathroom, right?”

“This T-shirt needs to be washed.”

COVID-19 hasn’t just been a time of masks and constant hand sanitizing, but also an era of staying home all day in comfortable attire. With the days blending together, who knows when you last washed the T-shirt you’re currently wearing? It might have a design of a frog riding a skateboard with the words “Vibe now, cry later” on it, but its evident coolness doesn’t mean it’s invincible to your onion-tinged sweat. Now that you think about it, the shirt doesn’t smell too nice, but you don’t want to take a whiff and then wrinkle your nose when your hot classmate might be watching. Just wait until they show their pet on screen instead. Bartholemew A. Bittlebun Jr. won’t judge you — probably.

HUMOUR

July 12, 2021

Your Weekly Horoscopes

July 12 –18 Written by Paige Riding

ARIES — Mar 21–Apr 19

LIBRA — Sept 23–Oct 22

You need to let that sink in. Seriously, it’s stainless steel.

It’s getting really hot to the touch in this weather.

Evens or odds? Would you even care if the odds weren’t in your favour? Picking one would be odd, but picking two would be even.

TAURUS — Apr 20 –May 20

SCORPIO — Oct 23–Nov 21

Considering camping this week? Try swapping out standard marshmallows for your friend’s 84 Squishmallows. They won’t taste very good, but at least they’ll go out with a bang instead of being shoved in storage alongside all those Webkinz.

One of the upsides of all these masks is that people no longer tell you to smile more in public. The only thing scarier than a highly contagious viral disease is trying you.

GEMINI — May 21–Jun 20

SAGITTARIUS — Nov 22–Dec 21

Reject modernity. Embrace tradition. Turn off your WiFi and open Minesweeper instead. Maybe then the ocean won’t be on fire.

When you near a dog who hates most strangers, the dog immediately warms up to you. Now that’s a hot dog!

You should be proud of yourself. Dogs love you, and you weren’t the one who made that pun.

CANCER — Jun 21–Jul 22

CAPRICORN — Dec 22–Jan 19

For a water sign, you’re not very good at staying afloat.

And no, I don’t mean your swimming skills. It was your Canvas inbox that told me that, actually.

I encourage you to get absolutely railed this week. Trains are highly efficient, like you’re always trying to be. Get some wood and get nailing.

LEO — Jul 23–Aug 22

AQUARIUS — Jan 20 –Feb 18

This week, try adopting a witty catchphrase à la Scooby Doo. “Zoinks!” “Jinkies!” Maybe even “The FitnessGram™ Pacer Test is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues. The 20-metre pacer test will begin in 30 seconds. Line up at the start. The running speed starts slowly . . . ”

Remember, no tattoos are permanent in the long haul.

Death is the greatest equalizer or whatever, so get “2+2=5” vertically along your treasure trail and don’t rot your brain worrying about it.

VIRGO — Aug 23–Sept 22

PISCES — Feb 19–Mar 20

No one knows this better than you, but during such uncertain times, nothing beats being prepared. Try mealprepping by freezing some water. That’ll save you time when you boil your pasta noodles.

This Pisces, Pi sees. Seriously. Clean out your closet filled to the brim with old high school math binders. You’re never going to look at them again, but one day those logarithms might have enough and fall on your damn head.

15

16 DIVERSIONS

Business Manager Yuri Zhou

|

business@the-peak.ca

CROSSWORD Across 1. Detergent 5. Unchanged 9. Caper 14. Fashion magazine 15. Uttered 16. Small donkey 17. Revise copy 18. Excellence 20. Dock 21. CB ____ 22. "My Three ____" 23. Madrid matron 25. Taverns 27. Let borrow 29. "Scrubs," e.g.

34. Zest 37. Norwegian 40. Pioneer Daniel ____ 41. Brownish gray 43. Alias initials 44. Gives forth 45. Pointer 46. Penny pincher 48. Part of "L.A." 49. Butter or jam 51. Journey 53. Mouth edges 56. Most exceptional

SUDOKU

60. Health clubs 64. Must, slangily 66. A great lake 67. Admission 69. Angry 70. Female singers 71. Moved smoothly 72. Biblical locale 73. Track events 74. Building extensions 75. Perfect scores Down 1. Leaks slowly 2. Dated ditty 3. Foreigner 4. Gasoline, in England 5. High voice 6. Space 7. ____ Gras 8. Like Santa's helpers 9. CBS rival 10. Loony 11. Threesome 12. Remove wrinkles 13. Swindles 19. Eternities 24. Restoration 26. Cold Russian region

28. Liquid measure 30. Actor ____ Cruise 31. Snake formation 32. Aware of 33. Untidy condition 34. Sch. groups 35. Marshal Wyatt ____ 36. Cat's sound 38. Snow runner 39. "____ of Eden" 42. Edgar Allan ____ 47. Trips to the post office, e.g.

50. Makes a hole 52. Adjusted beforehand 54. Sheriff's helpers 55. Motionless 57. Corrode 58. Fire alarm 59. Young people 60. Swindle 61. Warsaw native 62. Poker opener 63. Glasgow native 65. Work hard 68. 19th letter