"No, we're not leaving"

FIRST PEEK

February 1, 2016

3 P.16

“I don’t watch TV now, but I used to watch The OC a lot. [. . .] That would be great to reboot.”

Breanna Riou-Green Second-year health sciences

“I’d like to see Firefly rebooted. It’s awesome and it ended too early.”

Grade five was one of the high points of my life: I had great friends, a great teacher, and I let out my inner rebel.

This story begins with the ‘hot lunch’ in elementary school. My forgetful friend Bronwyn forgets her chocolate milk in her locker.

Partner-in-crime Brietta suggests we conduct an “experiment.” The milk is to stay in Bronwyn’s locker until it grows mould.

Weeks pass, and wheelchairbound Bronwyn, who was unable to even reach the top shelf where the milk sits, continued to endure the rancid smells emanating from the drink in her locker. Sinister Brietta and myself frequently check in on our creation, but we soon realised our experiment needed to go in a much different direction.

Brietta and I often broke the rules. We ran through the hallways, frequently adventured out of bounds, skipped pointless assemblies, and often hid in the girl’s bathroom during rainy recesses.

One of these bathrooms eventually became our clubhouse.

Throughout the school year we’d been trying to concoct a

mighty prank, something that would distinguish our rebellion against our draconian grade five institution. Our previous ventures included stealing the class butterfly to set it free, and crawling across classroom floors after being purposefully separated in order to pass very important notes to each other.

Months after that initial hot lunch, Bronwyn was still unable to reach the likely toxic dairy product, and Brietta and I finally discovered the perfect prank: we’d fill the soap dispenser in our bathroom-clubhouse. Brilliant.

So, we took the milk to our clubhouse, laughing maniacally as we ran. We pumped all the fresh, pink, clean soap out of the dispenser and poured the thick, chunky, discoloured milk in. Now all our perfectly innocent female classmates were going to get rancid milk on their hands. This would show ‘the man.’

Days passed; we soon forgot about our prank and moved on to bigger and better rulebreaking endeavours, until the teacher took me out of class.

She frowned at me and asked,

“Paige, did you put milk in the soap dispenser?”

I shook my head in fear. She asked again, adding, “Paige, tell the truth. You will be in less trouble if you tell the truth.” I sighed, and admitted to my horrendous crime, and was swiftly taken to the principal’s office, while my partner in crime sat innocently in class.

After a very frightening lecture from my principal where I was told this would never be expected of such a “well-behaved, good student,” and a call home to my dad to set up a parentprincipal meeting, I was sent back to class shellshocked, assuring Brietta I hadn’t ratted her out.

My dad was informed of my wrongdoing, and, completely underwhelmed, didn’t punish me at all.

So, other than a firm scolding from my principal, we got out scotfree. But there was one lingering problem: which culprit had snitched on us?

Our first thought was Bronwyn, since she knew all about the crime and we had basically forced her to suffer with stinking milk in her locker for months, but forgetful Bronwyn was forgetful and easily ruled out. We tried to find the culprit for weeks, interrogating classmates from all around the school, but the mystery was never solved.

Cameron Young Fourth-year economics

“I can’t really think of much, because I don’t really watch too much TV, and the shows that I have [watched] either had very set conclusions that I was happy with, or they’re still ongoing.”

Duncan Cade-Hemphill First-year environmental science

“Maybe Lost; I think I’d like to see that again, just because I really enjoyed it.”

Joy Sinclair Second-year psychology

“One hundred percent, they should bring back Futurama. Oh my god, they have to.”

Matt Humer Second-year business

4

NEWS

Three protesters, including two SFU students, were arrested during a sit-in of National Energy Board hearings for the proposed Trans Mountain pipeline expansion, on Jan. 22 in Burnaby. The protesters, SFU students Amy Widmer and Mia Knessen, as well as UBC student Destiny Sharp, were protesting the NEB approval process, among other issues.

These arrests follow the 100 that were made when protesters defied a court injunction to remove themselves from survey sites for the pipeline on Burnaby Mountain in November 2014.

February 1, 2016

The Peak sat down with Widmer and Sharp to talk about their experience when they tried to enter the hearing.

“Immediately, NEB employees stood up and put their hands on Mia, the third woman who was with us, and tried to physically move her,” Sharp said. Widmer added that RCMP and private security quickly formed a blockade to prevent them from moving forwards.

“After a while where they were asking us to leave, we just sat down [. . .] we were like ‘No, we’re not leaving, let’s make the point that we’re going to be here until you let us inside.’”

Security was tight but calm at the venue, with about two dozen police officers present on the sidelines and in the hotel.

Widmer and Sharp had protested earlier that week by locking themselves the the National Energy Board offices, and Widmer said they saw a very different response.

“The two of us locked down to a building, to the front doors [. . .] there was no police response,” explained Widmer.

news editor email

“The police response was to come and say, ‘Hey you guys, you know you’re a fire hazard?’

And we said ‘yes’, and then they left us alone. Whereas when we tried to enter a public hearing we were arrested.” The three had charges of mischief laid against them, and have a court date scheduled for April 28.

The 10 days of hearings saw oral arguments from lawyers, Indigenous leaders, and environmental groups against the pipeline expansion. If the project goes through, it will cost $6.8 billion and enable the pipeline to transport 890,000 barrels of oil a day. The hearings were not open to the public, but the proceedings are available online.

Hundreds of pipeline protesters rallied outside the hearing room that Saturday. The rally included groups such as the Wilderness Committee, Dogwood Initiative, Burnaby Residents Opposed to Kinder Morgan Expansion (BROKE), along with other community and environmental groups opposed to the pipeline.

Jamal Dumas news@the-peak.ca

associate news editor Nathan Ross

This included the Simon Fraser Student Society and Graduate Student Society, whose members presented oral arguments to the NEB on Friday and Saturday.

SFU professor Lynne Quarmby spoke to the crowd, responding to recent news that there would be additional requirements for the Trans Mountain pipeline to be approved.

She explained that problems remain in the NEB process, including the lack of oral cross examination and that the scientific evidence has not been not peer-reviewed.

“We need to pressure our new government that yes, we are happy that you’re paying attention [. . .] but it needs to be done right,” said Quarmby.

“We have at least three newly elected Liberal MPs that campaigned very strongly on the promise that this sham would not be continued. Pamela Goldsmith Jones, Jonathan Wilkinson, and Terry Beech [. . .] need to be held to account.”

This Friday, some Burnaby residents and activists did just

that, gathering at Terry Beech’s constituency office. They delivered letters, reports, and a petition with over 6,000 signatures to the Burnaby North-Seymour MP, and presented him with a framed picture of his previous promises regarding the pipeline.

Speaking to the next steps, Quarmby had some advice for those who want to get involved.

“The more you can engage people, the more they will feel empowered. Empower your friends, empower your neighbours,” she said. “We still got a long way to go on this project, and this project is not the only one. It’s together that we have power.”

Widmer spoke to the power of taking direct action during a protest, saying that being arrested as a part of a protest is “not as big of a deal as everyone tells us it is. It’s not going to ruin my future.”

Her hope is that her story “will get to students in a way that makes them know that they are capable of doing it too, and that it’s not going to fuck anything up for them. It’s going to be fine.”

Story is continued on page 7.

NEWS

“I cannot claim to have had a long standing ambition to become a Member of Parliament, let alone a minister of the Crown, but then I met a guy named Justin Trudeau.”

Such was the sentiment expressed by The Honourable Jody Wilson-Raybould, BC’s first Aboriginal MP and the first Aboriginal justice minister in Canadian history. Minister Raybould delivered an address at SFU’s Woodward’s campus on January 23 to a sold-out audience, which included SFU

February 1, 2016

President Andrew Petter and Chancellor Anne Giardini, as part of a series on “Women in Public Policy.”

The moderator for the event was CBC news anchor Gloria Macarenko, who took the chance to list off the Minister’s lengthy C.V., which includes work as a Crown prosecutor, advisor to the BC Treaty Commission, and regional chief of the BC Assembly of First Nations.

When Minister Raybould took the stage, she received a standing ovation.

She began her lecture by speaking to her experience as an Indigenous woman and connected this to a broader history of injustice against, as well as resistance from, Indigenous People in Canada. However, she remarked that progress has occurred in recent years.

Said Raybould, “Since the failure of the constitutional conferences in the ’80s, Indigenous Peoples have been accumulating power: economic, legal, and political power, to negotiate as equals in order to reach, as René Lévesque said, ‘A civilized solution.’”

She spoke to the pronounced impact that the Indian Act had on Indigenous women. According to the act, only men could run for chief status and women who married a non-status person lost their Indian status and property. However, in her opinion, recent developments have been made in women taking on leadership roles in First Nations communities and in government as a whole.

Still, she cautioned that more change needs to happen. “Of course everyone is aware of our prime minister’s now famous ‘Because it’s 2015’ line [. . .] Nevertheless, the percentage of women MPs is still only 26 percent after the last election.”

Raybould and Trudeau first met at an AFN session in 2012 where he first asked her to run for his team. In 2014 she agreed to co-chair the Liberal Biennial convention in Montreal. She spoke of her experience there: “What we saw was excitement.

We saw hope, and in the delegates present we saw a reflection of the Canada we believe in. I decided to run shortly thereafter.”

Raybould noted that the district of Vancouver Granville was not only her home, but also was diverse, and had no incumbent to beat. She ended up capturing 23,643 votes, translating to 43.93 percent.

Speaking to how her life has changed in her new role, said Raybould, “Well, I get about four hours of sleep every day,” she joked. She added, “It’s been a whirlwind. [On the day after being sworn in,] I started back to back 16 hour briefings and had decisions to make.”

5

The board approved a Request for Proposal (RFP) for the Residence Master Plan so that the university could engage a private or public partner to finance the project. This follows a recent Request for Information (RFI), which had the university gauging “interest in the market” for proposed residence expansion.

Board member June Francis expressed concern over how this plan might “dovetail” the university’s strategies around distance education in the future. Said Francis, “A physical geographic expansion [is] predicated on an assumption that students will continue to physically be present on the campus in the numbers we predict.”

The Associate Vice President of Students, Tim Rahilly, responded to these concerns: “I think we can assume that the university has a mix of programs, has had a history of some distance education [. . .] Of course, our enrollment plan, our recruiting, and retention strategies would all be aligned with what we’re doing with building a physical environment.

And with this five-phase approach, we would be doing a demand analysis at each stage. We wouldn’t go out and suddenly build 1,800 residence beds.”

The motion for the RFP passed unanimously.

After her address, Macarenko asked the minister about a clip that was recently unearthed that showed her father, Chief Bill Wilson, telling former P.M. Pierre Trudeau in 1982 that his daughters wanted to someday become prime minister. She responded, “The pride that I heard in my father’s voice when he was speaking about my sister and I was reflective of perhaps his thoughts around the potential that we had as a country.”

During the minister’s address she shared with the audience her hopes for what Canada could become, in particular under its new government.

“Indeed it is true that we cannot be the country we ultimately aspire to, and want to project to the world until the plight of Indigenous Peoples is addressed. And we will.”

6 NEWS

February 1, 2016

Come February, SFU will boast another burger restaurant. Franchise Big Smoke Burgers will soon move into the Cornerstone

building where the Himalayan Peak used to reside.

Big Smoke Burgers has 20 locations internationally, including locations in Toronto, Dubai, Kuwait, and one in Vancouver on Broadway.

The space was acquired by Haley and Maney Grewal, both SFU Beedie alumni, in July of 2015. It has recently been undergoing renovations, and is set to open in February.

The Peak sat down with General Manager Sydney Olmsted to speak about the upcoming opening.

Said Olmsted of the decision to bring the international chain to SFU: “We’ve never opened in a university campus before, so we thought it’s a great market to try and test out a few things. . . we’re changing a few things on the menu, [and] testing among the students. It’s a great population to try on.”

Some of those changes include offering breakfast options such as breakfast sandwiches, which Olmsted assured would be

affordable, but more “high end” than Tim Hortons. Said Olmsted, “Some classes start early, so people need breakfast, and from what we’ve heard there aren’t too many options up there.”

In addition, the location has been licensed and will have space for 10 taps and serve beer from local breweries such as Moody Ales, Dageraad, and Steel and Oak. However since the space is not a “liquor primary” license, minors will be permitted inside.

While the restaurant intends to open after the reading break, Olmsted said, “With restaurants, it’s hard to give an exact date.”

Olmsted believes that Big Smoke’s food will allow it to stand out from the competition. “I think our product is really fresh, a little more high end, and made with love. Our meat comes in every single day. It’s fresh. We could tell you where it comes from. The farms are local. I’m not sure if other places can do the same.”

Simon Fraser University is rolling out a training program available to students to help them mentally prepare for the worst, should it arise.

SFU’s Campus Safety & Security Services is getting assistance

from the Burnaby RCMP to prepare a comprehensive training guide for students and staff to handle any potential threats that may arise on campus, which includes but is not limited to potential school shooters.

As Steven MacLean, senior director of Campus Safety & Security Services, stresses, it’s more about building a “stop, drop, and roll” equivalent for active threats the same way that fire safety procedures areis ingrained into elementary students. MacLean said in an interview with The Peak that the program’s creation wasn’t necessarily due to a catalytic event that had happened,

but more so to prepare students and staff of what to do in case of an emergency.

“We recognized some time ago, based on interactions with our community, a need to close a gap in awareness as it relates to active threats,” said MacLean. “This was not based on any particular threat, in fact there’s no threat to the university at all, but recent events have indicated that there is a requirement for some awareness on how people should respond to an active threat.” “[This is] not necessarily and singularly [designed for] an active shooter, but an active threat where

there’s some sort of violence created by one or more people towards a group of other individuals, untargeted in most cases,” MacLean continued.

There is already a website up and running, which has an informative video detailing what steps SFU in collaboration with the RCMP recommends in the case of an active threat. The plan for campus security is to start rolling out workshops that anyone can attend, which, after having some test runs, may start as soon as next month.

MacLean stresses that this isn’t to promote fear among students, or to prepare because

the school legitimately fears a potential attack; rather that it is important to ensure that those associated with SFU have been trained properly in the case of any emergency. He wants to ensure that the steps outlined in the program illuminate what should be done should anyone on campus find themselves facing an active threat.

“Just basically reinforce the run, hide, take action steps that we want people to be able to take in the unlikely event that there is an active threat,” said MacLean.

“I don’t think that this is going to create a culture of fear, it’s simply to create awareness.”

NEWS

February 1, 2016

7

MOVING MEDITATION

SFU counsellors use exercise to treat depression and anxiety Health and Counselling Service’s Active Living Program pairs students with personal trainers Yelin Gemma Lee Peak Associate Since the summer of 2014, SFU’s Active Living Program has helped approximately 50 students in receiving treatment for their depression or anxiety with 12 consecutive weeks of regular exercise.

This innovative pilot project collaboratively initiated by Martin Mroz, SFU Health and Counselling Services Director, and Marc Pope, the Director of Recreation, with the goal of providing an alternative treatment for moderate to severe depression and anxiety.

Students placed in this program are partnered with certified SFU personal trainers and meet with them two to three times a week in the Fitness Centre for cardiovascular and weightlifting exercises specifically designed for these individuals. These personal trainers are all current or recent graduates from SFU who are required to attend an Active Health workshop run by SFU Health and Counselling Services to learn more about the program before beginning the exercise sessions with the students.

In addition to being paired with a personal trainer, the students placed in the Active Living Program have regular visits with a mental health nurse and a physician to provide support and monitor progress.

Depression is monitored using the PHQ-9 and anxiety using the GAD7, questionnaires that

assess mental health, several times through the terms.

medication and therapy, but for some, it can work as a replacement. “Exercise can help bring balance in one’s life, a sense of value and purpose, and a way to connect with others,� Mroz explained. “[It also adds] many benefits that help to improve mental Martin Mroz, wellbeing such Health and Counselling Director as increasing energy, confidence, The Active Living Program costs strength, and improving mood.� the university roughly $5–7 thouFeedback from the participants sand per semester depending on of the program has been mainly the amount of students participat- positive, especially for 22-yearing. Up to 10 students can be placed old Marzia Ambrosini. She told into the program per semester once The Vancouver Sun, that she liked referred to the program by an SFU the program offered her exercise physician. The program is referred techniques that she continued to to students in addition to their apply to her life once the program

“Exercise can help bring balance in one’s life, a sense of value and purpose, and a way to connect with others.�

OPPOSITION GROWS

City of Vancouver & BC join SFSS in objection to pipeline Continued from page four Kevin Rey Peak Associate Two weeks ago, the province of British Columbia joined the City of Burnaby, the City of Vancouver, and other organizations that have officially stated their opposition to the pipeline.

They cited the lack of “information around its proposed spill prevention and response for the province to determine if it would use a world-leading spills [prevention] regime.�

Safety concerns, especially regarding emergency protocols if a fire were to break out at the Burnaby Mountain tank farm, have been among the primary concerns for Simon Fraser University groups like the Simon Fraser Student Society.

SFSS VP External Relations Kathleen Yang explained that SFU has been unable to develop emergency response plans because Kinder Morgan “failed to provide them with adequate risk assessment and emergency preparedness information.�

She also brought attention to previous Burnaby Fire Department reports that suggest that there is a “lack of safe firefighting positions� at the tank farm.

Said Yang, “it’s likely that they’re just going to have to leave the fire to burn itself out,� which could put SFU at risk and trap students on campus for days.

Yang explained “[the SFSS is] against this project, not for ideological reasons, but just for the fact that we want to

ensure the safety and wellbeing of SFU students, today and in the future.�

While SFU is an official intervenor in the National Energy Board process, they chose not to present oral arguments to the board. Said SFU President Andrew Petter at a January 28 Board of Governor’s meeting, “Sometimes it is helpful to have oral submissions, sometimes less so.�

He added, “It should not be read as a signal of us being any less concerned or determined to ensure that the health and safety concerns that have been the focus of our intervention are going to be pursued.�

Not only is Kinder Morgan facing criticism, but the NEB itself came under fire when an audit by the Commissioner of Environment and Sustainable Development found that “the Board did not adequately track company implementation of pipeline approval conditions, or consistently follow up on deficiencies in company compliance with regulatory requirements.�

The NEB responded to the audit with promises to address the recommendations made by 2016. Currently debate is ensuing not only over the Trans Mountain project but also the Energy East pipeline in Eastern Canada. The federal government has pledged to reform the pipeline review process.

Said Prime Minister Justin Trudeau in a speech in MontrĂŠal, “The responsibility of the federal government is to establish a clear process whereby people can evaluate the projects in a rigorous and open manner.â€?

was over. She contrasted this to the typical personal training plan that is limited in time and focusses on weight-loss, both of which she found was rather toxic to her.

Said Ambrosini, “It’s the ideal combination for me. I feel I’m able to function like someone who doesn’t have depression — someone who isn’t carrying this load all the time.�

Mroz spoke to the science behind the Active Living program. “Several studies show evidence that regular exercise of moderate intensity, frequency and duration will lessen the symptoms of depression and anxiety.�

He added, “Our main objectives are to help students achieve good mental health so they can feel better, have tools that they can use throughout their life, and to make this a sustainable program that we can continue to offer.�

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+0*/ 4'1*3( 4 #0"3% 0' %*3&$5034 /PNJOBUJPOT 1FSJPE 'FC OE UP .BSDI UI Get active in social and environmental justice!

Gain experience leading a non-profit organization!

Learn about governance, finances, HR & more!

Help support a vibrant student organization!

Interested? Want to learn more? Check www.sfpirg.ca for notice of the info session to take place during the nominations period. To receive a nominations package or for further info, email our Independent Electoral Officer at eo@sfpirg.ca or visit the SFPIRG offices in room TC 326.

All SFU students, both grad and undergrad, are invited to apply. We encourage those from under-represented groups on campus as well as those with a strong anti-oppression analysis to put forth a nomination.

We are looking for between 3 and 9 candidates.

If we receive more than 9 nominations, we will hold elections.

8 NEWS

February 1, 2016

HOUSING CRISIS

SFU profs call for property surcharge to combat unaffordable housing A 1.5 percent surcharge could target foreign ownership, says study Melissa Talbot SFU Student A new study by SFU professors Shih En Lu and Andrey Pavlov, along with UBC colleagues, argues for the creation of a 1.5 percent property surcharge targeting owners of vacant properties that are not contributing enough to the BC economy.

Owners that rent out their properties to non-family members would be able to apply for exemptions, thereby providing an incentive to put more vacant units into the rental market. Revenues from any jurisdiction that adopts this proposal would then be distributed to all Canadian tax-filers in the area in a lump-sum payment to boost economic growth.

The report estimates that in Vancouver alone, this would generate around $90 million annually.

On top of that, the surcharge would help slow the flow of foreign investment that puts upward pressure on housing prices.

En Lu, an assistant professor of economics at SFU, says, “If you’re not contributing to the BC economy [. . .] and are driving out someone

who would, then you have to pay an amount comparable to the income taxes that this person would have paid.”

The Greater Vancouver Real Estate Board reports the benchmark price for a detached residence in the Metro Vancouver region was over $1.2 million in November 2015, increasing by 22.6 percent from the previous year, making Vancouver the most expensive Canadian city in which to buy a house.

A case study by researcher Andy Yan in 2015 found 70 percent of detached residences were sold to Mainland China buyers, with around 36 per cent of owners of homes worth over $3 million listed as housewives or students. This study adds to the concern over Vancouver housing being used as a way for foreign investors to evade taxes, flip properties, and store wealth through relatives tax-free while simultaneously increasing housing prices.

Other than Vancouverites losing the dream of owning a single-family home, there are substantial risks to the local economy. These risks include labour shortages and stifled business innovation, as skilled workers prefer to locate in other regions where they can afford a single-family home instead of only a condo.

Vancouver may also lose new firms and the accompanying jobs they create if they are not able to find workers.

Photo courtesy of Vancity Buzz

This 86-year-old home is being sold for 2.4 million dollars.

En Lu suggests, “Vancouver could become dominated by lowskill workers serving millionaires that make their money elsewhere — bad for growth, and bad for our ability to pay for public services.”

He points to SFU as an example of this already happening — almost all of the job offers made by the Department of Economics to candidates for faculty positions with children were turned down, says En Lu. Additionally, Canadian homeowners in Vancouver are exposed to a substantial amount of risk from a downturn in the real estate

market or an increase in interest rates if they have invested most of their wealth into their home. A recent TD Economics report stresses the increasing risk of correction “with every month of double-digit home price growth.”

Pressure has been growing to address the housing issue with the #IDontHave1Million social media campaign that arose the past year and the provincial government promising to address housing affordability in the next budget.

However, they have no specific plans. Premier Christy Clark has

mentioned in the past that she worries that “moving foreign investors out of the market [will make] housing prices [. . .] drop,” negatively affecting those who have already invested in a home. “We are open to new ideas,” the premier said of the issue.

Both professors agree that using first-time home buyer incentives would be like using “gas to douse a fire,” as En Lu put it himself, and would either end up in the hands of sellers or become obsolete as housing prices are bid up further.

UNIVERSITY BRIEFS Regina students get better connected

UBC launches Game of Thrones course [VANCOUVER] – Can’t wait for season six of Game of Thrones ? Well, UBC is offering a course that might satisfy you for the meantime. Associate Professor of Medieval English Literature Robert Rouse is running a small class of 16 students this semester in a class aimed at discussing the themes of the popular fantasy series by George R.R. Martin. Covering topics such as politics, gender, disability, religion, sexuality, and more, Rouse hopes to emphasize the concept of power used in the novels.

[REGINA] – Students at the University of Regina will be the first in Canada to experience a new wireless technology called HetNet. Short for Heterogeneous Networks, HetNet is made of small cellular antennae which can “provide deep penetration indoor, high capacity LTE coverage,” which will allow data signals for cell phones to be easily detectable indoors.

The technology was initially developed by graduate students to gain first hand experience working on a brand new technology.

Now, the technology has been installed in two campus buildings.

With files from The Carillon

A safe space for LGBTQ+ students to work out [MONTRÉAL] – Gyms and fitness centres can be an intimidating and often unsettling experience for some, as classes and centres can tend to be gendered. Former McGill student and national synchronized swimmer champion Shannon Herrick aimed to change that.

Queerobics started in parks throughout Montreal and focused on being a safe space for physical fitness. The program has since expanded to McGill and Concordia. Herrick designs her classes to be non-intimidating and to encourage body positivity.

With files from The Ubyssey With files from The McGill Daily

By Amanda Rachmat

NEWS

February 1, 2016

SUPER STUDENTS

SFU students’ selfless act helps save a life

9

BOARD SHORTS Notes from the latest SFSS board of directors meeting

Chief commissioner approved The Simon Fraser Student Society has appointed Vanna Lodders as the Chief Commissioner of the Independent Electoral Commission for the upcoming SFSS election, after being the preferred candidate of the Council out of all prospects.

She will hold this position from Jan. 29 until the end of the year.

Swab drive success

Photo courtesy of University Communications

SFU students and brothers Brian (left) and Graham Haddon at the Certificate of Merit ceremony on January 19, 2016.

Haddon brothers awarded with highest civilian honour from VPD Rachel Wong Peak Associate It’s not every day that you get thanked by the Vancouver Police Chief for saving a life. On Jan. 19, SFU students and brothers Brian and Graham Haddon each received the Certificate of Merit for their role in saving the life of a young woman in a motor vehicle accident. It is the highest civilian order awarded by the Vancouver Police Board.

The Haddon brothers were on their way to catch a flight to Scotland, where they would compete at the World Pipe Band Championships with the SFU Pipe Band. Their commute was interrupted when they heard a crash under the Knight Street overpass.

“We heard a massive crash, and then screams,” Brian recounted.

As they waited to merge onto Marine Drive, the accident became clear. The victim, a motorcyclist, was pinned underneath an SUV.

“It was confusing,” Graham said. “But once we figured out what was going on, I thought, how can I be best used in this situation?”

The instincts to help kicked into high gear. Along with their parents, both first responders, Brian and Graham leapt into action. Lifting the car, the brothers tried to make enough room for the victim to crawl out. Brian, while holding up the vehicle, had sustained a burn on his calf from the motorcycle’s hot exhaust pipe. Despite the pain, Brian knew that they had to keep going. “I knew she would be in a much worse off position if we let any more time pass.”

Once the victim had enough room to get out, the brothers helped move her to safety and stayed with her until paramedics arrived. They made it in time to catch their flight, and upon arrival back home they had learned that the victim was okay.

These were the heroic actions that were recognized at the awarding ceremony. The Haddon brothers were among many other heroes who were also receiving Certificates of Merit.

“We felt almost out of place. . . to be in the company of people that

had done more heroic acts [was] truly humbling,” Graham said of the ceremony.

they hope that other people will realize the potential they have to help others in times of need.

In response to all those concerned that they may not be experienced enough when confronted with an emergency situaGraham Haddon, SFU student tion, both brothers agree that everyone has the capaAside from their passion to help bility to help others. They noted others, the Haddon brothers also that the last thing one should do is find great joy in performing with take out their phone and film the the SFU Pipe Band. Being of Scot- incident — something the brothtish descent, they wanted to find ers found frustrating when they a hobby that would help them to tried to flag down someone to help learn more about their heritage. “It them. really has grown on me, 14 years “If people had put down later,” Brian said with a laugh. their phones and helped, the When not practicing with the situation could have been fixed pipe band, the Haddon broth- much sooner,” said Brian. “If ers’ love for service is also re- you aren’t confident with your flected in their choice of stud- abilities, don’t film it — call ies. Brian is currently pursuing someone who can.” Comparing a major in Health Sciences with it to offering up a seat on tranhopes of becoming a municipal sit to someone else that needs it police officer, while Graham is more, Graham says that “helpstudying Biomedical Physiology ing a fellow human” should be and Kinesiology, aspiring to be a “instinctual.” respiratory therapist. But wher“Don’t shy away from helping ever their life paths take them, someone – just do it.”

“Don’t shy away from helping someone — just do it.”

Last week, the first ever swab drive by Canadian Blood Services was held on Burnaby campus, as supported by the SFSS and the Chinese Link club. There are two more swab drives planned for SFU, with the SFSS taking sole responsibility of providing resources and facilities. Swab drives use saliva from the inside of one’s cheek to add them to the bone marrow registry.

The next drive will be happening on the Surrey campus on Feb. 17, before it returns to the Burnaby campus on March 1.

Build SFU update Both the Stadium and the Student Union Building (SUB) are still in the early stages of their respective projects. The SFSS will be meeting with architects next week, as well as holding meetings with various departments around campus (finance, athletics, student services, etc.) to discuss the plans.

Student consultation is slated to take place in March or April.

A budget is supposed to be in place by June 22, as their deadline for financing is three months later.

As far as the SUB is concerned, construction update proposals are being posted online on Feb. 1, where they will stay for the next five weeks.

The goal of this is to see which construction groups are interested. Depending on what the level of interest is, the next step taken will be affected accordingly.

By Nathan Ross

10

OPINIONS

February 1, 2016

opinions editor email

Adam Van der Zwan opinions@the-peak.ca

My story with mental health officially begins in my senior year of high school, when I was diagnosed with anxiety. My doctor discovered that my intestines were literally empty — I had stopped eating — and were digesting themselves because there wasn’t any food to digest instead. Given a prescription for therapy and antacids to combat the physical symptoms, I was sent on my way.

It took me six months to actually go to therapy. It was August, and I was leaving for my freshman year of university in three weeks. According to my therapist, I should’ve been having two appointments per week minimum. She gave me a list of therapists she knew in British Columbia, but therapists were the last thing I wanted to think about upon arriving here. I was in a new country attending a new school. I believed this fresh start would somehow magically reconfigure my brain chemistry and make me healthy. The opposite occurred.

Panic attacks happened two or three times a day, I couldn’t talk in class, and the idea of approaching

TAs during office hours sounded like my worst nightmare. I was also becoming depressed. Mistakenly feeling unloved and unwanted, I broke up with my boyfriend, stopped texting friends from home, and became flakey with friends at university. I found every excuse to stay in my dorm on weekends.

To this day, I have not made an attempt to seek help from the Health and Counselling Center, nor have I contacted any of the therapists that were recommended to me. Considering the preceding three paragraphs, this may sound self-sabotaging. Let me explain.

Problem one: the irony surrounding anxiety is that it makes you too anxious to get help. The irony surrounding depression is that you’re certain nothing could help you. So, why even bother?

Problem two: my residence advisor warned it could take up to a month to get a consultation. To a depressed brain, that screams, “Why even try?”

Problem three: you’re allowed six appointments per term before the student health insurance stops covering them.

I could gripe about this for all eternity. Why is there a limit on how much help the most vulnerable demographic can receive? I was worried I would ‘use up’ my appointments on trivial problems, and then be ‘SOL’ later if my problems worsened. I was supposed to have two appointments per week, not once every two weeks.

I do have a friend who saught help from the centre. The results were even more dissuading than my own doubts.

My friend was told the centre “wasn’t taking appointments r i g h t now,” with no hint as to when she should return. She has since dropped all of her classes and moved home to focus on recovery.

Nothing is more anxietyinducing than the idea of going to the front desk (you can’t make appointments online), confessing to needing help for something incredibly stigmatized, and being turned away. Admitting to needing help puts you in an incredibly vulnerable position, and this system of in-person admittance only exacerbates the feeling.

Being turned down after working up the courage to ask for help is an indescribable nightmare.

The second friend was able to make an appointment, but was put on anti-depressants that didn’t work out for her in the end. According to her, she had to wait months before they changed her medication.

You don’t need to be mentally unstable to understand why this system is unappealing. For most students, especially international

ones, the university’s health centre is the only option, for both financial and geographical reasons. Exploiting already miserable students by setting a cap on how much assistance they can have is inhumane.

It isn’t enough to offer the service; you have to be good at it, too.

Ratemyprofessor.com is the Internet’s holy grail for course selection at universities across North America. The well-known website allows students to check their prospective professor’s rating — calculated from reviews by previous students — before enrolling in their classes. Despite being a very popular online service, RateMyProf simply cannot be trusted.

Like a number of students who are scoping out reviews of

their future profs, I would love to know whether a professor tends to ramble on about integral functions or if they keep the class entertained with cheesey puns and Donald Trump jokes.

However, the accuracy of these ratings is questionable at best and really must be taken with a grain of salt.

Evidently, each professor has their own style of teaching, and different styles will resonate better with different students.

Some may enjoy a professor who gives a three-hour, monotone lecture, whereas other students may prefer discussion-based classes where their opinions can be heard and productive debate can ensue. With so many students enrolling in

classes, a professor’s teaching style cannot be expected to be consistent with every student’s learning style. Simply put, one student’s nightmare is another student’s dream.

Additionally, some courses are far more difficult than others. Communications, for example, is incomparable to the agony and stress caused by organic chemistry or biophysics.

To blame a professor for a low grade in a class with such challenging material is very misleading and an inaccurate judgement of the professor’s true teaching abilities.

Moreover, reviews for professors teaching introductory level classes are among the least credible. First-year

students have not yet adapted to a university lifestyle and do not know exactly what is expected of them, nor what they should expect from a professor.

New students may give negative reviews, as they may find university level exams and papers to be much more difficult than what they experienced in high school.

Every student has experienced that one professor who scribbled a “C-” on a paper that had been worked on day and night. On RateMyProf, you would likely find one or two very poor reviews by students who seem to have a personal vendetta against this professor. The negativity bias present in this situation encourages a poor review to have a greater impact on a student’s

choice than any positive reviews, likely deterring many students from taking the class. A few students seeking revenge against a professor ultimately provides for an unfair and deceptive rating.

Although it can be a convenient tool, RateMyProf overlooks too many factors in terms of what constitutes a poor or decent professor. Chances are if you do take a class with a supposedly ‘bad’ professor, then to actually put some effort into your classes may actually help you see your professor in a positive light, despite the opposing reviews.

However, I will give credit to the website’s chilli pepper feature; it’ll encourage you to stay focussed on the professor, and in turn, possibly even the lecture.

OPINIONS

February 1, 2016

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If there’s one thing that every authority figure I’ve known since my infancy has been quick to remind me, it’s that doing drugs would ruin my health, destroy my prospects, and give me bad teeth. They may have been worried about crystal meth and crack cocaine, but, surprise: not one of them thought to be suspicious of the innocent little bottles of Tylenol-1 in their nightstands.

Now, the drug codeine isn’t quite as scandalous or dangerous as the drugs your parents warned you about. However, it does have the extra-spicy distinction of being one of the most addictive painkillers available without a doctor’s note — except in Manitoba, which is set to debut on February 1 as the first Canadian province to necessitate a prescription for it.

Robaxacet-8, Tylenol-1, Calmylin, you name it: if it’s got

codeine in it, you’ll need your doctor’s permission to take it, and the pharmacist will have to confirm that you’re not already taking another medicine before they can give it to you. It might seem like these are unnecessary hoops to jump through for your pain relief, but many members of the medical community both praise the change and advocate for other jurisdictions to follow the leader on this one. Considering just what codeine is and what it does, I can’t help but agree.

Aside from its addictive nature, codeine just might decide to give you some fun get-well presents after the first few dates, such as slowed heart rates, liver failure, and hallucinations. Yeah, no thanks. While potentially harmful side-effects in medicine are hardly a rarity, there’s a difference between a necessary risk and masochism.

See, not only is codeine terrible for you, it’s not even a good drug. Despite its use as a painkiller, Oxford researchers

recently found that people generally got more pain relief out of a sugar pill than out of 60 milligrams of codeine. This is about equivalent to what you would find in seven tablets of Tylenol-1.

In other words, codeine on its own is only really stellar at one thing: getting people hooked. And generally, the only people who would want codeine who can’t get a prescription for codeine are people who don’t actually need codeine.

A number of doctors agree that relegating codeine to the ‘prescription-only club’ is in the public interest. “The idea you can get a drug without a prescription that turns into morphine is foolishness,” says toxicologist and drug safety researcher David Juurlink.

“Every good drug has its risks as well. But a not-so-good drug with risks? It’s pretty hard to justify,” asserts Ross Tsuyuki, a professor of medicine at University of Alberta.

These new restrictions might seem like a pointless inconvenience at first glance, but ultimately nobody would really be hurt by them — on the other hand, a great number of people would be protected by them. Recreational codeine is a poison that we cannot hand out like candy, and every person rushed into an emergency room because they popped too many painkillers is a person that might have been saved with proper regulations on what we sell in pharmacies.

At the end of the day, the medical field is supposed to be about helping people; we need to stop promoting substances that do quite the opposite.

Three waves of feminism later, women are still fighting for equality in today’s society. “Unpaid emotional labour is being hailed as the next feminist frontier,” writes Leah McLaren for The Globe and Mail . She, herself, has been downtrodden with extra tasks that no one has specifically asked her to do, but must be completed nonetheless in order to maintain a functioning household.

What is emotional labour, you ask? It includes all the extra hours of buying birthday gifts, soothing fussy toddlers, preparing for social engagements and, overall, maintaining the emotional well-being of the entire family. These tasks are leaving many women feeling resentful and overburdened, arguing that because this work is unpaid and essentially unrecognized in capitalist

society, it renders women as dependent on men, thus facilitating an unequal division of labour.

Although it isn’t always the case that women exclusively provide these foundations, they’re seen as inherently feminine, and are devalued as real work in our society, which ultimately suppresses these ‘labourers.’

Once regarded as working the double shift, women have been caught in this struggle for generations, as they are expected to work full-time — cooking, cleaning, and raising the children. Unequal distribution of housework was a hot topic in the ‘60s, spurring ideas to adopt a Marxist view: one solution, for instance, was to compare housework to paid jobs such as a nanny, gardener, chef, and domestic servant, and to provide similar compensation.

This idea did not catch on then and I don’t think it’s going to catch on even today. So what’s a feminist to do?

Here’s a novel idea: why don’t we stop devaluing the

feminine? This probably isn’t as easy as dropping a hot potato in our current society that has a predisposed paradigm that worships the masculine.

However, if we start to respect feminine values, perhaps men would be less afraid of participating in them? How do we bring about this paradigm shift?

I propose looking to Sweden, one of the most gender-equal countries in the world, for inspiration and influence.

Sweden’s official website states that “gender equality implies not only equal distribution between men and women in all domains of society. It is also about the qualitative aspects, ensuring that the knowledge and experience of both men and women are used to promote progress in all aspects of society.”

Since we elected a sympathetic prime minister who’s progressive with regards to women’s rights and is not scared of the ‘F’ word, why can’t we make a tangible change in our constitutional government? We

could emulate Sweden and seek guidance from their functioning policies that are actively and concretely encouraging equality amongst genders.

With a change in politics comes a change in acceptance and ideals. Social media has already helped pave the way for feminism and other pressing social matters to progress. Policy

will solidify and support these ideals that the public sphere has begun to identify with.

If men and women are both given ample opportunity in terms of education, paternity leave, in the workplace, politically, and economically, I believe emotional labour will no longer be devalued and will no longer be primarily the woman’s role.

12 OPINIONS

Our grandparents have led extraordinary lives, and they always have amazing stories to tell to prove it. But sometimes, those ‘I remember when I was your age’ beginnings can push us to direct our attention elsewhere.

Our grandparents had attention spans much longer than we do today. In fact, the attention spans of millennials are now shorter than that of a goldfish, according to a 2015 study by Microsoft. For our grandparents, hard work has always been a driving factor behind anything they do, even if it’s not the most interesting. My grandpa hated cleaning the house, but when my grandma was busy, he would roll up his sleeves and begrudgingly do his part.

Despite his deep-rooted hate for dusting and window wiping,

he did it out of love, and he got it done fast. Even with things he did love, like building model boats, he would start the job and keep at it. There were no such things as distractions; he took his time and put 110 percent in.

Our grandparents didn’t chase after instant gratification, just completion and perfection.

But fast forward to now and it seems like we can’t get anything done. Our less-than-a-goldfish’s attention span is eight seconds.

We only have the capacity to pay attention for eight seconds before we get distra — I wonder what my crush is up to?

My grandpa always shakes his head and wonders how I get anything done. How do you hand your homework in on time? How do you meet your deadlines?

Well Grandpa, sometimes I get by. I guess this ‘all about me’ culture isn’t really working out for us.

We’re all about the ‘now’ — I need it now, I want it now. If results don’t come fast enough, then we get bored or just give up.

Take the task of cleaning the house: I’m sure many millennials would rather not lift a finger, let alone clean anything.

Chances are we’ll begin dusting

A couple weeks ago, a friend of mine relayed to me his “life motto.” It was only in passing, but it was profound: “be brief, be bright, be gone.”

These are words that I’ve been mulling over since then; so simple yet so powerful — and truthful. I’m glad that I heard them, and I’m relieved that such people exist who spread these ideas. Essentially, this formula for success doesn’t seek recognition, it doesn’t seek fame, nor power, it doesn’t seek to force a name for its own sake. The irony is that this motto defies all of the notions of

power, fame, and ‘legacy’ that too many individuals see as the definers of achievement.

Which brings me to my main point: what is true legacy? If it isn’t defined by being recognized for doing great things, then what?

I’m cognizant of the fact that the word legacy means different things to different people — and is recognized predominantly as a something to aim for to prove one’s achievements.

It’s a fluid term used to describe those who’ve accomplished great things; those who’ve passed down knowledge and ideals, who’ve influenced social values through their actions.

Personally, when I think of true legacy, I see figureheads such as Ghandi, Mother Theresa, and Martin Luther King — all of whom were true to their aims, left behind prominent ideologies toward life and human rights, and as such are recognized by their name. Sadly, I’ve lived around a large handful of people

February 1, 2016

and suddenly find ourselves preoccupied with crafting the perfect tweet to describe our current predicament. And after finally sending the tweet and scrolling through our timelines (again), we’ll decide to clean up our acts (no pun intended) and get back to work.

Repeat this 50 times, and what is supposed to be a 30-minute task has now been drawn out to two and a half hours.

But that’s just who we’ve become. Smartphones have

heightened all of our senses, and the flickering lights and chimes of new messages make it impossible for us to tear our eyes away from glowing screens. I admit that when lectures get boring, the phone comes out to play.

And even though I’ve creeped my crush’s Instagram profile five minutes ago, it doesn’t matter — I’ll do it again anyways.

ADHD has become a common diagnosis in our youth, but maybe this is a sign that we need to look up and pay more attention

to the world around us. If anyone is still waiting for a zombie apocalypse, this might be it — but we’re too busy Snapchatting to notice. Grandpa, I’m happy to say that you would survive a zombie apocalypse; I wish I had your self-control.

You won this time, Grandpa.

I’m a narcissist and can’t get anything done, but I’m trying.

Maybe together, you can keep me accountable and help me build a bridge so that I can get over myself.

who seem caught up in the dramatic epicness of the “L” word, and who aim so desperately for recognition as a means to prove their success that the act of being recognized in itself becomes their prime motivator.

their sense of humility, and the fact that all of their endeavours came first and foremost.

I get it. They were celebrities.

Many of us students want to be wildly successful. We want to do great things. We might long for our names to one day be just as recognizable.

Though I will say that as soon as you strive to prove your worth for its own sake, you then taint the morals around achieving such recognition.

So, what is true legacy in my books? I’ll tell you. Legacy is a toxic fantasy. It’s a motivator for selfishness — it facilitates a hunger for power, it drives people to become obsessed with themselves rather than to focus on what their actual goals are; it causes a player to create a race for success that doesn’t even exist. Suddenly

accomplishments aren’t so much about the aim, but how these accomplishments are perceived in the eyes of others. Suddenly, legacy becomes an exhausting and pointless crusade.

When we fuel our obsessions with leaving behind a legacy, we sadly lose sight of what’s truly important, the tasks to be accomplished for the greater good, whatever they may be. When we desperately try to capture our own legacy and to thrust our name into the spotlight, I’m sorry to say we will never achieve what we want in the end — at least not in the ways we strive to.

Forget legacy. It’s an empty, meaningless notion that will leave you even more miserable than you were at the beginning.

Keep your head down, treat others with respect, stay positive, retain your humility, be honest and genuine, and focus on what’s truly important, and it probably won’t be long before any sort of ‘legacy’ follows you.

So, when does the term ‘legacy’ meld with notions of selfishness? More specifically, when does ‘legacy’ actually become selfishness? What’s interesting is that the above celebrities captured in human history who’ve left behind such great legacies are those who were not ever looking to be famous in the first place.

These prominent figures are known for their commitment, their honesty, their kindness,

February 1, 2016

CLUBS EXPOSURE June 29, 2015

photo editor email

Lisa Dimyadi photos@the-peak.ca

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ARTS

Mid-January I saw a Dave Brubeck tribute at Anvil centre in New Westminster. I learned two things that night, the first being that I don’t like jazz music, the second being that everyone has forgotten how to be a respectful audience member.

Whether you’re at a movie, play, dance show, or just watching some local artist light all of his belongings on fire outside of a Starbucks in some poetic revolt against capitalism, there are some guidelines you should follow. Let me remind you of a few.

Take your feet off the back of my chair.

I don’t ask for a lot in this world. But I do ask that you take your four-year-old smelly Converse off the back of my chair so they won’t pull my hair. I get

As an unashamed X-Files fanatic, I had high hopes for the all new six episode mini-series reboot.

And it almost met my hunger for a new episode. Almost.

The X-Files has been off the air for over 10 years. But like most fans in their early 20s, I never watched the show when it was on TV. Rather, I spent my semester breaks and days off bingeing the series like a grade-A hermit. The original series, for me at least, is still fresh in my mind. And this could be one reason why I was underwhelmed by the first episode in the reboot.

arts editor email

February 1, 2016

Jess Whitesel arts@the-peak.ca

that restless leg syndrome is real, and that it sucks, but if you know you’re the kind of person who presses their legs up against another’s chair and fidget, then go on a run or something before the show, buddy.

Turn your fucking phone off for a few hours.

If you’re at the high school production of Bye Bye Birdie ,

there is no way you are getting a call so urgent that interrupting the whole show is justified. I’m sorry, you’re not that important.

Hands to yourself guys, seriously.

While I was trying to enjoy that same Brubeck tribute I mentioned earlier, I couldn’t help but notice that the woman in front of me had her tongue

all over, and in, her partner’s ear. I mean, if jazz gets you all hot and bothered, that’s your prerogative. But don’t make me witness to your weird fetish.

Keep hands, and tongues for that matter, to yourselves. There is nothing weirder than being a forced spectator to what can only be described at world longest foreplay scenario.

Avoid two hours of sniffling; just go get a Kleenex.

I get it, the hero has just appeared on screen, she is kicking ass, you don’t want to miss a thing, but you’re fighting your own battle. . . with your nose. You are sniffling, using your sleeve, trying to manage the situation without looking like a grotesque, sickly monster. But you are really not doing yourself, or anyone around you, any favours. Either excuse yourself and get something to remedy the situation orjust bring some napkins or tissues into the theater with you.

Be conscious of when you’re opening your candy bar.

That moment of deafening silence, where it’s unclear whether everyone’s favourite character is dead or not, isn’t the time to play with your noisy wrapper. Same goes for the kiss scene in The Notebook. Or when it’s revealed the murderer is in the house. Or when “My Heart Will Go On” starts playing in Titanic. Honestly, try to avoid noisy wrappers altogether, but if you seriously cannot live without that Twix, time it appropriately.

The takeaway here: you are not the only person trying to enjoy the moment. Don’t be that one person.

Like all die-hard fans, though, I wanted the new miniseries to be true to the original nine season-long science fiction drama. The monsters, the mystery, the companionship, and the blurring of myth and reality is what got me addicted to this show, and was what I hoped the show would replicate.

The first episode, however, fell mildly flat with me.

Now don’t get me wrong: the first episode of the reboot was true to the original series.

However, it was almost too true.

There were moments in the first episode that felt like a copy-paste job from the series’ past iconic episodes. This is always the biggest obstacle for any show’s revival — they risk producing a cookie cutter episode that does nothing but serve one’s nostalgia.

Ultimately this is what holds the new season back. For this revival to be successful, it will need to find its new stride.

The reboot is not without its victories, however. The

rough patch experienced by the show’s two star characters, Mulder and Scully, is very raw, and believable. Their recent separation is heartbreaking. I spent hours watching them fall in love, but never find the right moment. The revival is true to that struggle, and adds levels of complexity never touched on in the original series. This alone is enough to have me hungry for more.

The addition of Joel McHale as a part-time hyper-conservative talk show host and full-time conspiracy theorist, adds a new dimension that the original series never fully developed. We’re left with many questions, and few answers about who this new character is, and how he fits into the latest season. This role is very different from all the others McHale has played to date, but he does not disappoint. He

delivers the crazy, the sass, and the balance the show needed to land on its feet.

With a few episodes left in the miniseries, I am not yet ready to say the reboot was a wasted opportunity. As any diehard fan knows, when it comes to this show you must be patient — something bigger is always on its way down the pipes.

After all this time, I still want to believe.

ARTS

Grizfolk is an alt-rock band from LA which has just released its debut album, Waking Up The Giants. Their hard work and determination shows through in their song-writing and flawlessly executed tunes.

Although the whole album is amazing and endlessly quotable — “The struggle you are up against makes you what you are” from “The Struggle” — there are some songs that stand out more than others.

“Hymnals” is my favourite, and one that has found a permanent home on Waking Up The Giants after having been on both of their EPs — From the Spark and From the Road .

It’s got a wicked beat, amazing vocal melody, and is just really well put together.

Another track that’s been around since before Waking Up The Giants is “The Struggle”.

The song is really easy listening and perfect for belting out in a rainstorm.

In the same vein, “Troublemaker” is super catchy, with an epic bass intro. It’s perfect for when you’re feeling badass or want to feel badass and maybe a little sexy. I dub it worthy of

January 25, 2016

shower karaoke.

The title track — “Waking Up The Giants — is wellcrafted, and it builds into this really full-sounding song. If you were watching Grizfolk live, this is the one to which you’d whip out the lighters and soulfully headbang.

If you’re looking for something up-beat and overflowing with happy vibes, “Waiting for You” is the one for you. With Valentine’s Day coming up, passionately serenading your significant other with this tune can only score you big bonus points.

“Vagabonds” tells the story of an outlaw desperately needing validation, and has a majestic sound reminiscent of the soundtracks to The Lion King or Titanic. “Bounty on My Head” continues this outlaw theme with a toe-tapping beat and great guitar riffs.

Finally, the perfect finish to the album is “Wide Awake.” A little rockier than the previous tracks, it has a harder feel while at the same time being musically optimistic in a way that will lift you out of whatever funk or rut you’re in.

The whole album has this way of making you feel epic, which makes it the perfect soundtrack for any journey into a battle for which you need to be extra psyched. Midterms, job interviews, essays — they’ll all crumple before the awesomeness of you and Grizfolk.

The ineptly paced, written, and animated Norm of the North is a cinematic defecation left to be flushed in the month of January.

It’s an evil film masquerading as liberal commentary, a cynical, post-modern grotesquery, devoid of any authentic feeling, message, or characters. The derivative narrative beats, the use of pop songs, the randomly inserted dance numbers, the marketable character designs, and the annoying sidekicks that speak only in gibberish, are all meticulously designed to sell action figures, McDonald’s toys, and a couple of sequels, not to make a compelling or good film.

That’s fine. Marketing teams have been making atrocious movies for decades. What makes Norm of the North particularly aggravating and fascinating, though, is that it is about evil marketing, and is that very thing itself; it’s an anti-consumerist film that uses this idea only because it’s now fashionable and also up for sale.

The film’s lazy self-reflexivity stems from a plot where Norm, who of course, is a fuzzy polar bear from the North, becomes the poster-boy for Mr. Green’s housing complex that will destroy his arctic habitat. Vera is entrusted with raising demand for the pointless project

by “using the North to sell the North.”

If the film had any actual interest in considering the effects of human pollution on the environment, or how big business uses images to fuel consumerism, it might pass off as weak satire. But, in its current state, the film plays like a hollow version of The Lego Movie, where pop songs are used earnestly without the subtle subversion of “Everything Is Awesome” and where the narrative openly rips off elements from Madagascar, Despicable Me, Ice Age and The Lion King — music cue and all.

There is deep-rooted irony in a film that indulges in the very thing it pretends to hate, like a telemarketer who doesn’t like being called at home, or an illegally parked police officer who gives you a ticket for being parked illegally.

For example, when Norm arrives to Vera’s office for an audition to be the face of the project, she remarks how the lemmings would make great marketing, winking at the

audience as it fully embraces what it’s pretending to criticize.

These supporting characters are superfluous to the story and are blatant rip-offs, riding on the success of past films to sell new toys.

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This self-loathing has become an epidemic in Hollywood cinema. Jurassic World continually mentioned how the dinosaurs in the park needed bigger teeth to rouse the audience, as the film embraced more hollow spectacle; Steve Jobs has moments where the characters stop to apologize for the Sorkinisms while indulging in them; and countless horror movies make self-aware jokes about not going into the basement.

Norm of the North takes this to groundbreaking extremes: it’s like an Aaron Sorkin film where the characters never stop talking about how they’re talking, or a horror movie set entirely in a basement that constantly pokes at itself.

In Norm of the North, there are instances where a filmmaker mentions how “everything can be fixed in post,” where Norm explicitly calls the villain “one-note,” and where he mentions how he hates randomly dancing for the human tourists. If the film weren’t so dubiously methodical, I would consider it clinically insane. It says one thing, and does another.

It seems to hate itself to the very essence of its genetic makeup.

We’ve become too aware of convention, too conscious of how images are used to encourage consumption, and too skeptical of the entire system. Now the only way left to market is pretend to detest the very thing being embraced: to use the cynical to sell to the cynical, if you will.

18 ARTS

I fell in love with spoken word poetry two years ago when I stumbled upon YouTube channel Button Poetry. They post videos of spoken word poets performing their original work at the National Poetry Slam (NPS), Individual World Poetry Slam (IWPS), and collegiate slam poetry competitions.

Spoken word poetry in its current form has been around for at least the past five decades. In 1990, the first NPS was held in San Francisco, California, and is now an annual event held in different cities across the United States. IWPS is another large scale event, in which poets from around the world are pitted against each other. There are also countless local and college poetry slams that help to expand the knowledge and appreciation of spoken word.

Here are four poets I love and would recommend that everyone checks out.

Jeff Lang, an underground success in his native Australia, is embarking on a Western Canadian tour in support of Running by the Rock.

According to Lang during an interview with The Peak, the EP is composed of “songs from a few different albums that have come out in various places but not previously in North America.” The EP is, in Lang’s words, “a bit of a career overview with enough of the variety of moods in my music represented to give people an idea of where my music travels.” Given that the songs are from past albums, there isn’t a

February 1, 2016

Sarah Kay: This woman can make grocery lists sound like profound works of art.

Everything she says will worm their way into your heart.

Her TED Talk “If I Should Have A Daughter. . .” will be the most magical poem you’ll ever listen to. She also collaborated with Phil Kaye on a poem

called “When Love Arrives” that describes the misconceptions we make when it comes to finding and losing love.

Alex Dang: If you’re looking to think and laugh at the same time, then Alex is your man.

His poem “What Kind of Asian Are You?” reprimands those who ask that exact question to Asians, as if we’re some sort of puzzle that needs to be cracked open. His poem

concern that he will be alienating fans who live outside of Canada.

Having listened to the EP now a couple of times, it is well-crafted considering the shorter six song format. The songs flow nicely together to create a cohesive sound that sounds less copied and pasted than Lang made it seem.

with a band, which is often very early in the song’s life when we record them, then from there to performing them live,” he says.

“Even a solo performance will be different after I’ve recorded the songs with other players. It changes the way I arrange them on my own.”

So while fans can listen to Running by the Rock in anticipation of his tour dates, the live show may ultimately sound completely different than the recorded versions. He is looking forward to playing in Canada for multiple reasons: “Escaping the brutal heat here in Australia at this time of year definitely appeals, but moreover I’m looking forward to playing some places I’ve not been to before on my travels and meeting the people who come to the shows.

What can I say? I like Canadians.”

Lang will be performing in Vancouver on February 11 at Rogue Folk Club.

His sound is a mix between blues, folk, and roots, creating music that is unique, yet familiar.

Each song does have a different feel to it making Running By The Rock an EP that doesn’t fall into the trap that early career EPs often do.

Lang has had the ability to develop his sound and he recognizes that songs over time can evolve from where they began. “There’s usually some kind of expansion from when I first write the songs on my own to when I play them

reminds you that being Asian doesn’t mean we’re exotic and smarter/cooler/drive worse/etc. than everyone else.

In one of his poems “Everything Must Go,” Alex makes student loans and the struggle of paying them back hilarious. He opens with “so I’m in college, realizing that the Internet meme “forever alone” has two typos in it. There should be a space between a and lone, and lone should be spelled

l-o-a-n. Understanding that I need money, I start my Google search.”

Anna Binkovitz: If you don’t like the harsh truth told in an extremely blunt way, then you sure won’t like Anna Binkovitz.

To address the “she asked for it because she’s very skimpily dressed” excuse that is often used to excuse rape, she performs a poem “Asking For It” which describes a dystopian society where all wants and needs are depicted via clothing. At any moment when a person is partially naked and is seen by someone else, they must have sex.

The entire point of her poem is, in her words, for people to “stop asking people’s clothing to have sex with you, and start asking people!”

Victoria Morgan: Victoria Morgan’s poem “How to Succeed in Heartbreak” is misleading: she’s not telling you how to succeed in breaking someone’s heart, but how to succeed in healing from a broken heart and come out of the ordeal stronger. She tells you to remind yourself that “you were okay before!”

This poem starts off loud and funny, but halfway through, it changes to serious. By the end, you’ll find yourself in a puddle of tears.

ARTS

Dine Out Vancouver held its first ever Winter Beer Hall this month, and given its success — being a sold out event — it’s unlikely to be the last. Big Rock Urban Brewery and Eatery hosted the event, turning their restaurant into a replica of beer halls past.

Long tables and Hogwartsesque seating arrangements added to the camaraderie of the event. The lineup for the featured casks went right by the stage which featured live music.

Dim lighting finished the effect;

February 1, 2016

you felt like you were in Germany, the birthplace of beer halls.

The $40 ticket provided five seven-oz. tasters of local craft brewery magic, and a 3-course meal to accompany them.

Big Rock’s contribution was their traditional ale; an English mild with a Canadian twist. It was the best beer to start the night, as it was the gentlest in terms of hops, yet rounded in flavour.

Next was Storm Brewing, whose beer was heavy on the honey in the nose, but had no vestiges of honey on the palate. Instead, there was whiskey and vanilla bean, with a tart citrus finish.

Bridge Brewing offered a brown ale, with a twist. Brown ales as a category aren’t hoppy. But, Bridge Brewing added New Zealand hops to give it a grapefruity flavour unusual for the beer type.

It worked well, actually, and fans

of hoppy beers would have been especially pleased.

Real Cask also offered a traditional ale. It was really dark, like a stout, with a hint of espresso at the beginning of the sip.

Moderately hoppy, it was a good choice for the period between the main course and dessert.

Finally, Doan’s supplied their American-style rye stout, which was super dark and roasty with a hint of chocolate and rye spice. A little hoppy, this was the perfect second dessert to the evening.

For an extra few bucks, you could try the Dine Out Van Fest Ale, specially brewed for the festival. It was an English mild ale with hints of plum and roasted cocoa.

Now for the food! There were two choices for each course, and I got to try them all. The smoked oyster chowder, made with

Citradelic IPA, fennel, and miso was smoky and chowdery, but not phenomenal.

The other starter was a dish with three roasted beer meatballs. They were about the size of a bouncy ball and there were only three of them, so that was disappointing. They were also slathered in tomato sauce, which, alas, tasted like it was straight from a can.

The main courses were the highlights. The lamb and rapini pizza was highly original. The crust was crisp and the fennel bĂŠchamel was a delicate balance to the strong flavours already in flux.

I was a bit surprised to find a bento box in a brewpub, as cauliflower tempura, tuna nigiri, and gomae aren’t usual pub fare. But it was well executed, apart from the batter on the cauliflower not being tempura.

19

To finish, the first dessert I had, the mango cheesecake, was fluffy, light, and delicious, but it wasn’t really a cheesecake. It was deconstructed, and the filling too whipped and fluid to really be called a cake. More of the mango sauce would’ve lifted it up, but it was still a good finish.

Seadas, which are, Sardinian fritters, were the other dessert choice. These small dumplings with a squeeze of lemon, a drizzle of honey, and shavings of asiago and romano made for a surprisingly delicious, savoury dessert.

So, when you come across the Dine Out ads in a few months’ time and you see one for the Beer Hall, do yourself and anyone you like enough to take with you a favour and buy tickets — the VIP ones, if you can afford it. It’ll be a night of fun, making new friends, and amazing beers that you won’t regret.

4JNPO 'SBTFS 1VCMJD *OUFSFTU 3FTFBSDI (SPVQ SFPIRG is a student-funded and student-directed centre for social and environmental justice based on SFU’s Burnaby campus.

With a new location on the horizons for the Cornerstone building, I decided to go and check out the Big Smoke Burger on Broadway in anticipation.

The overall feel of the chain is fast-casual — think Chipotle, but for burgers. Aside from that feel, the options that the menu offers are almost endless. You can add on to any of the pre-existing burger options, select the size of the patty, and sub out the classic beef patty for organic beef, lamb, chicken, or a veggie one.

The classic beef burger itself is not too juicy but also not too dry.

It was perfectly cooked. I wouldn’t say that it was the best burger that I’ve ever had, but it was up there.

The bun game wasn’t as strong as I would have liked — it reminded me too much of a fast food bun — but I will also admit that I am a bread snob.

What did impress me more than the burger was their french fries. They were beautifully salted, crispy, and even tasted good cold — because let’s face it, unless you are a human vacuum cleaner, your fries will get cold.

The dipping sauces that go with the fries are spectacular, but the true stand-out is the rosemary garlic one. It gives the fries a

similar taste to roasted potatoes which is a pleasant surprise.

Given the strength of their fries the other sides that they offer — poutine and onion rings — should prove equally as strong.

Diners at the SFU location will also have the option of pairing their burger with a beer. This is something that the Broadway location doesn’t offer, and given the many flavours, the ability to pair your food with a beer will elevate this from another fast-casual dining establishment to somewhere you could see yourself spending some time hanging out with friends.

All in all, Big Smoke Burgers should prove to be a welcome addition to the dining options on campus.

/PUJDF PG "OOVBM (FOFSBM .FFUJOH Monday, February 22nd, 2016 Doors: 11am Meeting: 11:30am-1pm @ SFPIRG, TC326 in the Rotunda

PROPOSED AGENDA: 8FMDPNF 5FSSJUPSZ "DLOPXMFEHFNFOU 1SFTFOUBUJPO "EPQUJPO PG UIF "HFOEB "EPQUJPO PG "(. .JOVUFT 1SFTFOUBUJPO PG UIF "OOVBM 3FQPSU 3FQPSU GSPN "VEJUPS BOE 'JOBODJBM 4UBUFNFOUT "EKPVSONFOU

XXX TGQJSH DB

20

SPORTS

February 1, 2016

sports editor email

Nick Bondi sports@the-peak.ca

SFU has been picked to finish seventh in the annual GNAC Preseason Softball Coaches Poll. The yearly poll is voted on by all the coaches of the teams in the conference.

Last year, SFU finished with a 17–30 record, and have four seniors returning for the season which begins Friday, February 5.

Sean Molle and Tyler McLean won in their weight classes at the Clackamas Open in Oregon City, Oregon. Molle won the 285lb weight class over Nishan Randhawa and McLean won the 165lb weight class over Dajour Reece of North Idaho. Morgan Smith finished third in the 185lb weight class.

Being a new student at a school is tough, no matter the situation.

Now imagine being over 7,000 kms away from home, having to adjust to new surroundings and a higher level of competition.

This is what faced Julia Howley, a native of St. John’s, Newfoundland, in her first year as a cross country and track and field athlete. Despite all these challenges, she has taken them in stride and has become a regular member of both teams.

“I always wanted to go away for university,” says Howley. “My singular goal in high school was to go away. I’ve been a very adventurous person my whole life, and I didn’t really start track until grade 10. So I never really thought about going away for track, that wasn’t even a possibility.”

“In grade 12, I [said to myself], ‘What do I have to do so I can go away for school?’ So I thought, ‘track is going really well for me right now, maybe if I focus on that it will be possible.’ So I talked to my coach,

who knows Brit [Townsend, Head Coach] really well [. . .] He talked to Brit and basically asked her what I needed to do so that I could come out here and get a scholarship.

“It just worked out really well.

Everything has been smooth sailing.

It’s pretty much worked out the best way it could.”

Howley points to fellow teammates as another reason why she was able to adjust to SFU. “One of my teammates from home actually came to SFU one term before me. So that was nice, to have a familiar face around. And then my recruiting class was a very big class, so there were a lot of freshmen from all over who were kind of in the same position. So we just bonded really quickly.

“I made some really good friends right away, like Miryam Bassett and Sophie Dodd — [they’re] two of my best friends [now] and we met right away at training camp.

And we kind of formed a little family on the team, and we’re really close.

“We’re there for each other for anything, and I know they would drop anything in a heartbeat if I needed it.”

Things worked out really well for Howley’s first semester here at SFU. As a member of the cross country team, she won the GNAC championships and the team qualified for the NCAA Division II Nationals.

“It was more than I could have expected coming into the school,” shes explains. “I didn’t really know

what to expect coming into cross country [here]. Because I’m from Newfoundland, and [there’s] not a big running community there, there wasn’t a lot of competition for me.

So coming into a very big running community out here on the West Coast, and just being immersed in it right away and doing really well right away was so cool. It was such a good experience.”

Not only a cross country athlete, Howley competes in track and field as well, running in the middle distances — 1,500 and 800 metres. This means she is constantly running all year, as cross country competes in the fall, and track and field (both indoor and outdoor events) runs from January to end of May. She elaborated that practice in cross country means running long distances every week, and short sprints for track and field frequently.

So what are the main differences between track and field and cross country?

“Track is definitely an individual sport. Sometimes you can feel a bit isolated because you are competing against your teammates. But in cross country, the way it works is that the top five runners on a team get a score, and you want to get the lowest score possible. You’re all working together and you want to run well with your team so you can make it to the next meet. It’s very encouraging, and it’s not as stressful on yourself because you’re running

for something bigger than yourself, rather than track where it’s just all on you and your time.”

Howley still has a few more years left of NCAA eligibility and has some definite goals set, both for herself and her fellow teammates.

“I definitely would like to see the team make it to nationals again as a overall team goal,” she explains.

“But personally, I just want to continue to run for the right reasons. I think sometimes when you’re not doing well, it can be easy to get caught up in the times, and get caught up in what other people are doing, and kind of forget why you’re running and why you’re here.

And that’s because it gives you so many cool opportunities and it makes you grow as a person, and you push yourself.

“It’s really easy to lose focus on that. I want to keep that in my mind over the next few years. I think if I do that, then I’ll definitely have some good seasons and do really good things with the sport.”

Former SFU offensive line coach Adam Blasetti has been hired by the BC Lions.

Blasetti was at SFU for one season under former head coach Jacques Chapdelaine. He will now coach the team’s running backs for the BC Lions.

SPORTS

February 1, 2016

21

Saturday night, the SFU men’s hockey team was up against the University of Victoria, a team they had beaten twice already in the season. At stake was maintaining first place in the BCIHL. If SFU lost and Selkirk won their game, the Clan would move down to second. Goals from Brandon Tidy and Tyler Basham ensured the victory, as SFU won the game 2–1, pummeling goalie Scott Legault with 47 shots.

“It was one of our better offensive performances, which is bizarre when you only score two goals,” said Head Coach Mark Coletta after the game. “I thought our puck possession was really good in the offensive zone, [our] attacking with speed was good, our dumps were pretty, our forecheck was pretty good [. . .] obviously over 40 shots is always a good thing, but I guess at the end of the day

their goalie played well and they limited us to two goals.”

SFU got off to arguably the best start they could, with Brandon Tidy scoring just 32 seconds in, giving his team an early lead. Member of the BCIHL All Name Team Wolfgang Schoenefuhs scored for UVic to tie it at one point after a costly turnover by SFU in their own defensive zone. SFU recorded 26 shots on net in the

first period alone — two more than they recorded in the whole game against Selkirk last week.

“It was weird, I just had all this time,” Tidy said afterwards on his goal. “I looked around and there was no one around me. So I skated to the net and just shot it in.”

The second period featured the eventual winning goal by Basham, and more shots by SFU. By the end of the second,

the total was 39 for the Clan, compared to just 15 for the visitors. That was the only highlight from the last two periods, as it was a very slow game, despite all the shots. The third period had no goals and only one penalty, with Saylor Preston of SFU going off for slashing.

The victory assured the team would keep their top spot in the league, because Selkirk ended up winning their game

7–3 against Eastern Washington. It was the team’s seventh straight victory.

Coach Coletta spoke on what he believes the team has been doing well during the streak. “I think the guys are working really hard. There’s a good vibe in the room and during the week at practice. And I think we’re keeping it simple [. . . the] guys aren’t trying to do too much.”

It has taken a few years and a trip to America, but SFU Quidditch now has their first trophy for finishing in the top three in a major Quidditch tournament.

The team took home the “Meh” third place award in the Subdued Excitement tournament, behind the Rain City Raptors and the UBC Thunderbirds, who won the “OK” first place and “Yep” second place trophies, respectively.

The tournament, which took its namesake from Bellingham’s nickname as ‘the city of subdued excitement,’ was held on January 23, and featured teams from British Columbia, Alberta, Washington, Oregon, and Idaho.

SFU Quidditch lost their first match against UBC, but then went

undefeated the rest of the way, taking down the British Columbia Quidditch Club (110–30* asterisks here and onwards indicate which team caught the Snitch), Western Washington University Wyverns (80*–70), and Emerald City Admirals (140*–60) in round-robin action to secure their spot in the third place match. From there, they went on to defeat the Vancouver Vipertooths by a score of 160*–50.

Team captain and keeper James Champion noted that there are so many new faces on the team, and that has really contributed to the rise in success that SFU is currently seeing.

“I feel like we’ve got more people than we’ve had in the past,” he said. “We’ve got a lot of young people who are new to the school and want to be rambunctious with their friends and want to carry that energy onto a Quidditch pitch. I feel like we’ve got a really good atmosphere here.”

Champion also went on to talk about the offensive depth this team has, which is potentially the deepest it has ever been. He pointed

specifically to the game against BCQC, in which SFU kept them from scoring until BCQC caught the Snitch to end the game.

“I was able to look at the scoresheet after and see that six different chasers had scored and nobody had more than two goals, which I thought was a really good example of what our teamwork is, what our practicing has done, and what good offensive depth can do against another program [. . .] we can [win] when we have people working as a team and when we have everyone stepping up and contributing,” Champion said.

Avery Herbert, keeper for the team, is a first-year player who contributes to the aforementioned depth. While he and the rest of the team know when to take practices and games seriously, he is also a part of that rambunctious attitude that helps keep the team’s morale high and make it something the athletes want to be a part of.

“I’m just blessed I can wake up everyday and play the sport I love,” said Herbert. “There are some people who dream of playing in the big

leagues when they toss around the quaffle on the weekend, but I get to make that dream a reality.”

“To be able to play on a team like this and then take home a trophy on top of it, it’s just surreal. It’s the kind of stuff movies are made of.”

Next up for SFU Quidditch is regionals, which will be held in Abbotsford on Feb. 27. According to Champion, the goal isn’t about coming home with any

recognition but to keep improving as a team.

“What we’re looking for is to build as a team as a result of the regional tournament rather than to win,” he said. “We want to establish this program strongly and establish a spirit of competitiveness that we want to characterize of [SFU] Quidditch.”

Disclaimer: Nathan is a member of the SFU Quidditch team.

22 SPORTS

The SFU Clan Women’s Basketball team improved to 8–8 on the season and 6–5 in GNAC Conference play with a hard fought 69–58 victory over the Concordia University Cavaliers. With both teams’ sputtering, the first quarter saw the Clan down 15–13, before Ellen Kent drew a charge on a Concordia drive with just 4.6 seconds left.

Rachel Fradgley opened the second quarter scoring with a basket in the post to tie the game at 15. This was followed by a Kent driving layup to give the Clan the lead. After a Concordia basket, Kent responded again with a traditional three point play on a hard drive to the basket. Fradgley scored another basket in transition running the floor and Elisa Homer went hard to the rim to draw a foul which resulted in two free throws.

These late-scoring plays still left SFU trailing 28–26 at halftime. The Clan shot a miserable 25 percent from the field and made just three of fifteen three-pointers in the half.

The good news was that, despite this woeful shooting performance, the team was only down by two.

The second half saw SFU move the ball much better,

The SFU Men’s Basketball team suffered a 104–60 defeat to the Western Washington Vikings Tuesday evening. The loss dropped the Clan to 1–16 in the season, 0–11 in the conference, and the losers of 15 straight games.

The first half saw SFU compete and hang with the now 13–7 Vikings. After falling down 22–11 early, the team played almost even basketball the rest of the half, entering the break with a 43–31 deficit after a thrilling buzzer-beating isolation basket by Clan Guard Michael Harper. Celebrating Australia Day, the Aussie native provided several highlight reel finishes at the rim throughout the game.

First half Clan-highlights included several Oshea Gairey gritty drives to the rim to draw fouls and shoot free throws, an athletic drive

and finish at the rim by JJ Pankratz followed later by an emphatic blocked shot on defence, and a nifty fast break bucket after a timeout where the Clan employed a full court press.

The closest SFU got was a 25–18 deficit after another Australian player, Andrew Williamson, scored on a runner in the lane. Graham Smith provided a spark off the bench for SFU with a tough offensive rebound where he drew a foul and then calmly sank both free throws. The best example of offensive teamwork in the half was when Gairey drove to the rim and dished to Tyrell Lewin who sunk the basket, was fouled and knocked down the free throw for the old-fashioned three-point play.

The second half saw Western Washington click on all cylinders and essentially run SFU out of its own gym. Six-footnine Viking centre Blake Bowen was a force at both ends of the court. Defensively he blocked two shots, altered several more, and even had a steal which led

February 1, 2016

opening up post opportunities and open jump shots with effective screens. Homer, Kent, and Alisha Roberts made three consecutive three-point baskets as the team started to heat up. In a key third quarter turning point, Homer took a charge which led to a Sophie Swant three pointer on the next

to an easy transition basket.

Bowen demonstrated outstanding post skills, scoring easily

possession. A Clan defensive stop was then followed by a Samantha Beauchamp offensive rebound which resulted in a Roberts three-pointer. Kent then drained another threepointer after outstanding offensive ball movement.

The third quarter ended in fortuitous fashion for the Clan

when Fradgley’s put back just beat the buzzer. The basket gave SFU a 49–38 advantage heading into the final frame.

With Concordia hanging in the game, Elisa Homer and Alisha Roberts nailed three pointers on back-to-back possessions to push the SFU lead to 12. The game was iced on a two-possession sequence late in the game. Firstly, Kent found Homer who had broken loose on a Fradgley screen and converted in the lane. Secondly, Kent got bulldozed over on an extremely hard collision which resulted in a charging call.

The second half saw SFU shoot 48.4 percent from the field and convert nine of 14 three point attempts en route to the 69–58 victory.

Indomitable point guard Ellen Kent explained how, “all week we have been working on setting better screens for each other and reading them better. I don’t think we did a very good job of that in the first half. In the second half we looked to get a lot more flare screens and that showed, as our shooting [got] a lot better.”

down low, and also stepped outside and sunk five of seven three-point attempts. In just

21 minutes of action, Bowen scored 24 points on an efficient 12 field goal attempts.

For most of the last 10 minutes of game time, the Vikings had their reserves on the court and continued to score at will on the Clan. Reserve Viking guard Brad Wallace made some dazzling plays later on to keep the lopsided game entertaining.

SFU kept fighting throughout the game and showed no signs of quitting. Four Clan players scored in double figures: Oshea Gairey with 13, Michael Harper with 12, and Tyrell Lewin with 11. However, their offence devolved in the second half to a lot of one-on-one basketball with little ball movement. Defensively, they do not have a centre on the roster and as such they struggle guarding opposing centre and effectively have no rim protector.

The Clan will look to avoid the same fate as the football team for the rest of the season, as they have yet to win a game in conference play.

DIVERSIONS / ETC

February 1, 2016

23

LAST WEEK’S SOLUTION

EVENT LISTINGS ARE FREE FOR SFU STUDENTS AND STUDENT ORGANIZATIONS. SEND THE DATE, TIME, LOCATION, NAME, AND A 15-WORD DESCRIPTION TO CLASSIFIEDS@THE-PEAK.CA

24

HUMOUR

February 1, 2016

humour editor email

Justin Stevens humour@the-peak.ca

SFU replies!

This is a column dedicated for questions for SFU directors to dispel fears regarding the new school government. Have an SFU question?

Send it to copy@the-peak.ca!

Hi SFU, What do the signs about standing on the AQ pond mean? Why can’t I stand on the AQ pond?

Thank you, Alexandria

The man braid has come into contact with a lot of bogus negativity over the last couple months. And these indiscretions cannot be allowed to stand any further, man. As a strong supporter of the man braid and all that it stands for, I have decided break my pact against aggressive and hostile negotiation to say my piece. I am extinguishing my doob of Maui’s finest green to make a stand against the unsettling attack on Mother Earth’s gift to the world of haircuts.

So this message goes out to all you haters: back off, bros, because the man braid is here to stay. And we’re willing to take this fight as far as it needs to go non-violently to see it through.

Why you got to be uncouth

about it, man? Our hair isn’t hurting anybody. If anything, it’s breaking down barriers, dude. It’s dissolving the gender binaries set up by the corporate pigs. It bringing about true change in this corrupt and damaged world we live in.

So, when you really think about it, the man braid is a message of peace and justice promoting a new way for the world to come together. It’s revolutionary in the way we live our lives, man. And we need to preserve that at all cost. Because if we don’t, who will?

People need to release themselves of this most heinous hostility riddling their lifeforce and just hug it out with their internal conflicts.

Man braids are love. Man braids are life.

Besides, chicks totally dig ‘em, man. And who knows?

Maybe you’ll get, like, lucky if

What in the hell is this world coming to? It took all my humanly energy not to put a fist through my computer when grown men started putting their hair in buns.

And now — goddammit, I’m in the market for a new computer screen and on the way to emergency for a bleeding set of knuckles.

Who do these hipsters think they are exactly? Mythical centaurs? Jediin-training? Mermen? Well, I’ll tell you exactly what they are. They’re twits with too much bloody time on their hands who believe themselves to be God’s gift to fashion.

If you ask me, I think it’s just a cry for attention. There’s nothing sexy about it whatsoever and it comes off more than a touch insecure in my eyes. It doesn’t matter if Davey Beckham or that Harriet Styles are repping the newfound “dew” either; they ought to be

ashamed of themselves for tricking their fans into thinking it’s “swank.”

You see, it’s things like this that make me miss the mullet. Now, that was a hairstyle worth emulating. A short uniform hair cut at the top with long greasy strands of hair swaying majestically to the back.

Business in the front and party in the back — aah, what a time that was to be alive!

Say what you will, but if it worked for Patrick Swayze and Joe Dirt, it sure the hell should be good enough for the rest of us. It was sexy then and it can be sexy again! This generation just has to come to its senses and give it another chance.

However, if that seems like a sacrilegious option for those Frenchbraided buffoons, I’d suggest they shave their butts and learn to handstand, because even that would be a significant improvement from the moronic, soul-suckling, brain stupefying, wretch of a travesty that is the man braid.

Hi Alexandria, Please do not stand on the Burnaby AQ pond. It is not safe to stand on in the winter months, because the pond is completely liquid. A quick look into the water — the completely unfrozen water — would provide you with this information. This is probably due to the modern weather patterns we live with, unfortunately.

The salt that was added to the pond also completely removes the possibility for it to ice over. The salt, of course, helped to dispose of the magic koi fish that usually inhabit the pond throughout the year. And now, as they do every year, they can be found at their usual hiding spot, safe from the salt: hovering above the spinning W at SFU Woodward’s for the winter.

Fortunately, the salt in the pond makes an ideal environment for the serpent-like, aquatic animals that replace the koi for the winter. If you would have taken the time to look down into the pond, you would have known these facts, and you probably wouldn’t have to ask why you shouldn’t stand in or on the pond for the time being.

Do not fear the pond’s eyes, though. Deep in the pond’s centre, they have opened, as they do every January, and they are glorious, as they become every February. They will consume the serpent creatures in no time, and we will have at least one amazing week of unobstructed eye viewing.

They’re a golden-brown this year! And surrounded by a smoky, light blue hue.

Truly glorious.

The eyes guide SFU Burnaby, as the effervescent ears of SFU Surrey guides them, and as the disembodied voice of Charles Woodward guides the performing arts building.

Maybe just look down into the pond next time, or look up the history of SFU Burnaby, Alexandria!

May the eyes be with you.

Zomxxpask Mxxxxnk (apx.)

SFU Student Relations Overlord

HUMOUR

On our daily commutes, there is one group of people who work tirelessly to gain the attention and likewise affection of the masses. Day in and day out, these extraordinary individuals weather BC’s most egregious elements, standing diligent to their development amidst a sea

February 1, 2016

of skepticism, or worse: an abundance of ridicule. Unwavering in their belief that they can bring absolution to the tired and fedup transit goers, they are nothing short of tenaciousness incarnate, worthy of a thousand praises.

I am of course referring to the Jehovah’s Witnesses. (I certainly hope you didn’t think I was talking about Translink.)

While Jehovah’s Witnesses have been all too commonly disregarded at transit stations and bus stops for years, breaking news from Parliament Hill has left many craning their necks to observe the passedup apostles like never before.

Shortly after Friday afternoon, Prime Minister Justin

Trudeau spoke to news outlets in regards to a long-gestating rumour about the Jehovah’s Witness Protection program, which he confirmed to be true.

“There is no sense denying it further to Canadians: this program has existed for some time. It was conceived as a cost effective alternative to our current witness protection program. I assure the public that the cuts continue to be a necessary venture. Without them, the installation of my Olympic size swimming pool in 24 Sussex Drive would not be a reality.”

Further questioning on the subject was cut short when the prime minister cannonballed into his newly installed pool.

Rumours surrounding the existence of the Jehovah’s Witness Protection program first surfaced six months ago. The hearsay was originally conceived over a game of Dungeons & Dragons as a joke by members of the Mom’s Basement Conspiracist Society (MBCS). One can only imagine the shock they were in for when the program was revealed to be true.

The Peak contacted the MBCS by landline for further comment but only procured one three-word statement repeated to near infinite (“No fucking way!”), followed by a chorus of laughter.

25

With the government program now declassified, the future of the program is left in a very uncertain place. Those working the angle are unconvinced that any big changes will ever emerge, though, given people’s aversion to having their spiritual views challenged.

“Whether they know we’re doing it for real or not, as sure as the sun sets and the moon rises, people are still going to pretend to look at their phone every time they walk by us,” said David Clark, a faux-proselytizer in the program. “Which is fine by me, because God’s honest truth, I don’t want to really talk to them either.”

26 HUMOUR

February 1, 2016

Pun, 2, 3 (Darien Lechner)

humour@the-peak.ca The Crapside (Darien Lechner & Ryan Stella)

Jeremy’s Excuses (Reuben Newton)

HUMOUR

It’s no secret that the hunt for parking at any one of the SFU campuses can be nothing short of an insufferable punishment.

Alas, if the agonizing search for adequate car stalls were not brutal enough, coveted parking spots have now lead to a steep rise in brutal street fights between students.

Amidst the growing surge of parking spot combatants, one student in particular has risen to superstar status among the rest: Japanese international student Ryu Hoshi, a third-year business major who has become noted for his fighting skills in order to capture a spot for his sleek Mercedes Benz SLK. The Peak had the opportunity to Skype with Hoshi, who offered insight into the mentality of the parkade wars and its necessity in this increasingly competitive world.

“You must see every student as a foe. We have paid hefty tuitions and if we are to capitalize — we must fight. In the hallway, in the classroom, and yes, even the parking lots. ” To investigate further, The Peak followed Hoshi on his daily route to the Burnaby campus to observe the street fights firsthand.

Arriving in the lot at around 8:00 a.m., there seemed to be no trouble in sight. As we inched ever closer to a parking spot, Ryu muttered: “wait for it.” Out of nowhere, a Honda

February 1, 2016

Civic dashed towards the vehicle and Ryu halted the car. Ryu, with complete sternness stated: “Stay in the car. This will be over quick.”

On the scene, The Peak witnessed a violent brawl involving sophisticated martial arts techniques. After a series of powerful punches and kicks, and a cry of “Shoryuken,” Ryu’s opponent laid defeated.

Battered, bruised, and bloodied, Ryu came back to the car and pulled into the spot. “That was my opponent, Ken,” he said.

“We’ll be back at it soon enough.”

The underground street fighting scene over parking spots has gone unchecked for many years and is only now beginning to lead to noticeable consequences.

Medical bills for students driving to school are double of those taking public transit. Academic withdrawals from injuries caused by these parking lot brawls have also spiked.

With the school seemingly in crisis, the situation has put SFU President Andrew Petter in the hot seat.

In a controversial proposal, Petter said, “Can’t we just do a fight club thing? Like the Brad Pitt movie. We could have like nurses and stuff to cover injuries.” Needless to say the comment was booed down for its unhelpful nature.

With the parking wars still raging, administration has advised students to leave their vehicles at home and use their compass cards for transiting instead.

If students are still adamant about driving to campus, they are urged to brush up on ’80s action movies to maintain their offensive repertoire.

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humour@the-peak.ca

28 LAST WORD

Features Editor email

Tamara Connor features@the-peak.ca

February 1, 2016

SFU should bring back its original campus food bank Written by Adam Van der Zwan Illustrations by Konstantin Rabinovich Layout by Christy Lum