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March 7, 2016

These days, it’s common to hear employers complain about the lack of skills that recent undergraduates have. They rant and rave that university students aren’t prepared for the real world, and some, like Harvey Weingarten, as reported by The Star, claim that universities should offer voluntary entrance and exit examinations in order to measure students’ basic reading, writing, and mathematical abilities. And while I strongly disliked provincial exams in high school, I firmly stand behind these entrance and exit examinations.

The same Star article reports that executives in 20 recent employer surveys feel recent graduates lack the simplest of skills.

It’s not so much that an undergraduate degree has lost value, it’s that there is now a common belief that an undergraduate degree must directly relate to one’s job or profession — that is, that there is a smooth

transition between graduating and employment. It’s this prevailing belief that your major determines exactly where your workforce values lie.

One often hears, “well, what does that degree get you?” And it often results in an egotistical debate on the value of an undergraduate degree in fields where one’s major is perceived to land them a job in that specific field after graduation. But if there were entrance and exit examinations which tested a university level of reading, writing, and mathematical ability, then your major in history may just be a bonus to an employer.

The fact is that there are certain skills that are essential in today’s economy, and while my knowledge of some abstract part of the brain may be useful at some point in time, basic skills in reading, writing, and math are more employable. If an exit exam can alleviate an employer’s skepticism about my ability, then I would be glad to take it, and so should you.

Moreover, I believe that in order to successfully pass these

entrance and exit examinations, all university students should have to take mandatory courses in math, science, English, business, and computer science their first year. While this would undoubtedly be met with sharp criticism by students, the benefits would be two-fold.

Not only would you become more well-rounded and develop basic marketable skills, but a university degree would become far more valuable to employers. Knowing that all universities require that students have basic skills in reading, writing, math, and computers, I believe this would make them more comfortable hiring post-secondary graduates.

Your undergraduate degree definitely exposes you to things you would never have thought of if you had simply been working in some job or profession. And because there’s still value in an undergraduate degree, I believe that the system just needs a little fine tuning to make employers more confident in their future employees’ abilities. If this means offering entrance and exit examinations, then so be it.

Employers would have a better chance at hiring skilled workers, and students would get an experience far beyond the dayto-day grind.

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NEWS

Melissa Roach Peak Associate Sexual assault incidents are an unfortunate reality on post-secondary campuses — and SFU is no exception.

Student groups at SFU have been campaigning to open a centre for sexual assault prevention and support on campus to raise awareness and to offer resources to survivors of sexual violence. SFU is one of the few Canadian universities not to have already established one.

An independent, studentrun working group was formed in August, 2015 to develop a proposal for a Sexual Assault Prevention & Support Centre at SFU (SAPSC), that would ne inclusive to all genders, not just women.

“Anything less than a centre would be inadequate on campus,” stated Kaayla Ashlie, a fifth-year gender studies student who sits on the committee for the SAPSC.

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Although there are services in place on campus, Ashlie believes that it is not clear enough where victims should seek help — and that one localized and dedicated centre would make help more accessible for those in crisis.

Current resources at the university include Campus Security, SFU Health and Counselling, Out on Campus, and the SFU Women’s Centre, which offers a 24-hour safe space for women, to name a few.

The idea behind the creation of the SAPSC would not be to develop new resources from the ground up, but to create a hub that can connect people to the services already in existence, thereby relieving the burden on groups that are going beyond their mandate to support victims of sexual assault.

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Ashlie expressed a need for “ongoing educational campaigns to really shape the culture of SFU, and what is acceptable and not acceptable on this campus.”

Laura Scheck, who also sits on the committee, commented that it can take people a long time to come to terms with something that has happened to them — and it’s not always black and white. “Unless you believe that a blatant crime was committed against you, you’re not going to go to s e c u r i t y,” she said.

“A lot of people don’t identify as being in crisis when they’ve exper ienced sexual violence. And this has to do with those weird grey areas, where you’re not sure what happened to you and you’re not comfortable with it.”

She explained that it would be a starting point for seeking help, and provide support if people wanted to go to counselling, have a rape kit test done, or take legal action.

Jamal Dumas news@the-peak.ca

associate news editor Nathan Ross

Administration has stated that SFU takes the issue of sexual assault very seriously. Associate Vice-President, Students Tim Rahilly told Burnaby Now, “This is very serious business and has a huge impact on the lives of people when this happens, so we take it very seriously.”

The Consent Matters campaign was launched earlier this semester to open up a dialogue around consent and to educate the SFU community about how to prevent sexual violence.

There were three reported assaults across SFU’s three campuses in 2015, and five total in 2014. While these numbers may seem comparatively low to other institutions, research shows that these statistics across Canadian universities are not an accurate representation of sexual violence on campuses, which is believed to be largely due to underreporting of sexual assault occurrences.

For the working group, the centre cannot be established soon enough. The student-led committee plans to ask for support from the student body by referendum in Fall 2016. Their final proposal will be based on consultations with various SFU offices, faculty, administrators, and student groups, as well as research on similar centres

running at other Canadian universities.

The group’s original aim was to put the question to Simon Fraser Student Society (SFSS) members in the upcoming general election, but the referendum has been delayed while their legal status as a non-profit society under the BC Society Act is pending. The group will continue consultations with the SFU community as they work on the proposal.

The current cost the group has calculated puts the proposed student levy at $2 a semester, but that figure is subject to change as more research is done and efforts have been made to involve other groups on campus that could potentially pay into the centre as well.

The SFSS board of directors passed a motion to look into what sort of services could be offered through the SFSS to aid in prevention of sexual assault and to provide support to those who have been assaulted.

The centre would be run autonomously from the university. SFSS VP External Relations Kathleen Yang said, “I think independence with these types of organizations is absolutely critical.”

NEWS

The droning of bagpipes mingled with New Orleans-style jazz as SFU’s School for the Contemporary Arts and other activists paraded to the First Ministers’ Meeting this Thursday. The parade ended at the Vancouver Convention Centre where the Prime Minister and Premiers were discussing the economy and climate change. Last Thursday, the ministers signed the Vancouver Convention which, among other things, agrees in principle on a national carbon tax.

Parade-goers were costumed as various aquatic life forms, as well as the remnants of carbon-based fuels, while hoisting signs demanding action on climate change. SFU professor Laura Marks carried a banner made from 80 letters addressed to Prime Minister Trudeau and BC Premier Christy Clark.

The letters were written at a “happening” — an event — hosted

March 7, 2016

at SFU Woodward’s on Saturday February 27. Passersby concerned about the environment were invited to write letters to the Prime Minister and Premier of BC, as well as give a statement on video.

On the other end of the spectrum, the Vancouver chapter of activist group Raging Grannies sang cheeky protest songs to the tune of ‘Puff the Magic Dragon’ and other classics. The group was founded in Victoria in 1986 in order to protest the presence of US Navy nuclearpowered ships in Victoria Harbour, and have made regular appearances at events in Vancouver.

They called the government to account for remaining idle on climate change, singing, “The world needs action, heaven knows / listen up, you carbon schmoes!”

At the end of the parade, a crowd of about 200 gathered outside to hear speakers from environmental and indigenous groups, all of whom demanded that the government does more to combat climate change.

During the opening ceremonies, First Nations activist Audrey Siegl accused the government of saying “a few condescending words and then it is business as usual” in reference to a statement by Trudeau that supported exporting oil in

order to fund the transition to a low-carbon economy.

Speaking to the dangerous effects of climate change, Chief Bob Chamberlain of the Kwikwasut’inuxw Haxwa’mis First Nation plainly stated that, “it’s going to be the First Nations on the front line of suffering yet again,” explaining that many communities are dependent on the land for at least part of their sustenance.

Marks explained that the “happening” was meant to strike a different tone than a typical protest. Said Marks, “this event is to let people

know that activism can be fun and ‘cool’ and enjoyful,” and to celebrate the successes that have happened. When The Peak asked why SFU students should care about climate change, she replied plainly that “we know SFU students care about the climate,” noting the “great deal of environmental activism at SFU,” from various student groups such as Embark and SFPIRG. The upcoming First Ministers’ Meeting may have implications for local energy projects, such as the proposed LNG plant on BC’s coast and the TransMountain Pipeline

Laurentian University’s chili lunch supports literacy program U of A study finds shift in Canadian attitudes to marriage [EDMONTON] – University of Alberta sociologist Lisa Strohschein, in her study of Canadian perceptions of marriage, found that matrimony is no longer of central importance to Canadians. Her findings suggest that people are getting married later in life, are having children without worrying about marriage, and are far more focused on their careers and concerned with their financial stability than in the past century.

This study said that marriage is still important to Canadians and viewed as an end goal, but the findings suggest that our attitudes surrounding its necessity have loosened significantly.

With files from CBC News

[ONTARIO] – Laurentian University’s Equity and Social Justice Committee has raised funds for Frontier College’s literacy program by successfully organizing a chili lunch.

The literacy program aims to support Aboriginal groups across Canadian provinces.

It has allowed Aboriginal children to be more immersed in reading books, a result confirmed by the parents of these children. Six thousand children have already participated in this program, which continues to grow and expand.

With files from The Lambda

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expansion. In late January, the National Energy Board (NEB) heard final arguments for and against the proposed expansion set to be constructed on Burnaby Mountain.

Many environmental groups, as well as the Province of British Columbia, the City of Vancouver, and the City of Burnaby have voiced their opposition to the project, which would allow the pipeline to transport 890,000 barrels of bitumen per day. The NEB has until May 20 to make its final recommendation on whether or not to approve the pipeline.

McGill researchers develop model biological supercomputer [MONTREAL] – McGill University professor Dan Nicolau and his team of researchers have developed a book-sized model for a biological supercomputer that uses proteins propelled by Adenosine triphosphate (ATP), a key chemical in the process of metabolism.

Due to the biologically-based processing providing less heating issues, these supercomputers are said to be more energy efficient than their current counterparts.

The researchers are uncertain as to when full-scale versions will be available.

With files from McGill Newsroom

6 NEWS

Bernice Puzon Peak Associate If you have ever hunted for a job, you know how hard it is to find one all too well. That struggle is 10 times greater for low-income individuals living in the poorest neighbourhoods in East Vancouver, many of whom are physically unable to work in full-time positions and are often dismissed by employers.

SFU MBA Candidate Anna Migicovsky is hoping to make that job search a little easier. She is the project coordinator of an employment platform called Knack, which aims to connect businesses with those who are looking for employment in Vancouver’s Downtown Eastside.

Migicovsky developed the program along with two others as part of her internship at LEDLAB, a social innovation lab that is a branch of RADIUS SFU and EcoTrust Canada.

Samaah Jaffer Peak Associate The fourth annual memorial for Jim Green, former Vancouver City Councillor and community activist, celebrated his life with a staged reading of his book, Against the Tide: The Story of the Canadian Seamen’s Union.

While studying at UBC in the early 1970s, living in the Downtown Eastside, and working as a casual longshoreman, Green became acquainted with former members of the Canadian Seamen’s Union (CSU), and was approached by a committee with the request that he record the history of their union.

The staged reading was commissioned by SFU’s Vancity Office of Community Engagement and shone

March 7, 2016

Knack was created as a community program in partnership with the Potluck Cafe Society, which has been providing good food and employment opportunities for the community for over 15 years. Migicovsky and her team also work with other nonprofit organizations within the Downtown Eastside, such as Union Gospel Mission, an organization that also provides career advising as part of the services it offers.

According to Migicovsky, around 7,000 people in the Downtown Eastside are currently collecting social assistance, and these individuals are not necessarily working. “The Downtown Eastside is currently very volunteer-focused, but these volunteers are actually doing a lot for the organizations [of which they are part],” explained Migicovsky.

“We want to create more incomegenerating opportunities for these individuals. We’re trying to use the knowledge and wisdom that Potluck has in order to increase the number of employment opportunities.”

Knack focuses on educating employers about inclusive employment, and that people are coming from unstable backgrounds and might be unable to work 40-hour

light on a lesser-known chapter of Canadian labour history, featuring the CSU. The memorial was held in partnership with the Institute for the Humanities at SFU, SFU’s Department of History, and the BC Labour Heritage Centre.

Vancouver City Councillor Geoff Meggs, who was the original editor of Green’s Against the Tide, explained in the foreword to the event guide: “Most Canadians have forgotten, if they ever knew, that our country once boasted one of the largest merchant navies in the world, a key to victory in the Second World War crewed by men and women organized into the Canadian Seamen’s Union.”

Charles Demers, a local writer, and SFU history alumni, adapted Against the Tide for this special performance.

The production was directed

by Amiel Gladstone, and featured Andrew Wheeler as Jim Green, Carmen Aguirre as Labour, and Kevin MacDonald as Capital.

Local musician and SFU MFA graduate Corbin Murdoch performed live on the set, singing

Photo courtesy of Anna Migicovsky

weeks. The program also offers several workshops to develop soft transferrable skills such as time management, teamwork, and conflict resolution, to name a few. Upon completing these workshops, participants earn digital badges that act as certifications of the skills they have developed. They are similar to badges that one would earn by being part of a Scouts Canada troop, and veer away from qualifications

one might include on a traditional resumé.

Essentially, Knack wants to create a mutually beneficial relationship between employee and employer. “There is an untapped labour market right now that is about providing low-skill jobs at affordable rates. This program is not just about educating individuals, but also about understanding what the employer wants,” said

Migicovsky. “It’ll increase quality of life for the individual and also create casual part-time work positions for the employer.”

But most importantly, what Migicovsky wants individuals to take away from the Knack program is a better quality of life.

“Employment isn’t only for people who are healthy and stable,” Migicovsky said. “It is also a pillar of health.”

contained in this book that would likely otherwise have been lost without Green’s research and writing. His extensive inter views across the country and access to Am Johal former CSU Director of SFU’s Vancity Office m e m b e r s ’ memorabilia Am Johal, Director of SFU’s Van- and clippings captured things that city Office of Community Engage- otherwise would have been imposment, explained that “the story of sible for us to access today.” the Canadian Seamen’s Union is not Their reading highlighted just an historical tale. The relation- some of the key moments in the ship between labour and capital is history of the CSU, including the also a very contemporary story.

1949 strike, which ended in victory “Taking this book that is rarely for the union. read these days and giving some life The lines were divided between to the first-person narratives that the three actors: Wheeler read the are in the book was a great way to words of Jim Green, Aguirre read bring to life these memories in a testimonies from members of the way that they wouldn’t be forgot- CSU, and MacDonald read the lines ten,” he said. of the government and corporaDirector of Research at the BC tions who opposed the CSU and its Labour Heritage Centre, Robin ties to the Communist Party.

Folvik, explained, “it is important to “Jim did these interviews in acknowledge all of the information the ’70s and the ’80s — many of

the people he interviewed have passed on. The interviews are held at the national archives, but it’s a very obscure story and hard to find.

Jim spent a lot of time traveling the country trying to capture these stories so they wouldn’t be forgotten,” said Johal.

“We thought that at this annual memorial event, it would be an interesting time to land this text down in the present in a way that still resonates with us today.”

The reading was filmed and is currently being made into a documentary.

Folvik reflected, “although working people have always been cultural producers, using a wide range of creative practices to reflect their experiences, they are rarely the ones to receive funding or support to bring their projects to a broader audience.

“SFU’s Vancity Office of Community Engagement’s backing of this production, particularly one that is so focused on the struggles and solidarities of working people in Canada, fills an important gap.”

lyrics that originated as poetry in the CSU’s newsletter, Searchlight.

“Jim spent a lot of time traveling the country trying to capture these stories”

NEWS

March 7, 2016

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Woodwards The Djavad Mowafaghian World Art Centre will host “Two-Spirit and Indigenous Transgender Stories and Photos of Safety, Belonging and Well-being” on Wednesday, March 9 at 7:00 p.m.

The free lecture will feature research from leading Indigenous Two-Spirit, transgender, and gender non-conforming figures and will shed light on issues facing these communities in Metro Vancouver especially in health and well being.

Surrey

Harbour Centre On March 15 from 5:30 to 7:00 p.m. at Harbour Centre, SFU’s School of Public Policy will be hosting a presentation by Anne Giardini, SFU Chancellor and a former lawyer and business executive, to speak about problems and perceptions surrounding women and power.

The talk will discuss methods by which private organizations and governments can change these perceptions and enable equality.

By Andrew Donald and Jamal Dumas

SFU’s beloved Renaissance Coffee celebrated its 20th anniversary on February 23. Owner Parminder Parhar is well-known on campus by students and faculty for his unbeatable community spirit and impressive ability to remember the names of hundreds of regular customers.

Since opening day of the AQ Renaissance Coffee, Parhar has come a long way. His business now extends across Burnaby campus in owning and operating two Renaissance Coffee shops, two Subway restaurants, a Jugo Juice, and the Simon C’s Convenience Store.

SFU President Andrew Petter was present at the anniversary ceremony to award Parhar with a plaque recognizing his growing success and 20-year relationship with SFU. They offered free cake and coffee to customers that dropped by to congratulate them.

“Everything I’ve learned about life, I’ve learned it here,” he explained. “When I face struggle or challenges in my life coming to work and seeing all these motivated people at SFU drives me to keep living: if he can do it, I can do it too.” He and his wife have established an endowment fund that they hope to grow to $1 million in their lifetime. “Everything I have, everything I am, is because of these students on campus [. . .] so this is my way of giving back.”

The two are making a conscious effort to take care of their health so that they can be there to celebrate this milestone.

Parminder Parhar “I see students Owner, Renaissance Coffee struggling every single day. They The inspiration to start Renais- have the motivation to achieve sance Coffee first came when Par- things for the community at large har he visited the Burnaby campus but from interacting with these stu20 years ago and noticed that there dents regularly, I know how great was no one serving affordable, and how real of a financial chalgood coffee. lenge it can be,” he expressed.

Parhar saw a void and demand Parhar ended the interview for coffee, and decided to seize the with a plea for SFU to support opportunity. He remembers the local businesses like his so that he opening day on Feb 23, 1996 as a can achieve his dream of making hectic one. However, with a profit a difference in the community. He of $328, he was proven right that explained that he can’t compete SFU’s thirst for coffee was very real. with the brand power of large cofFor Parhar, the best part of fee chains without the help of the working at SFU is the personal in- SFU community and the individteraction he has with the students ual student’s choices. and faculty. He explained that a “When all of these graduates major source of motivation for him go into the world, I hope that they is seeing the young people of SFU draw inspiration from my efforts put so much work and effort into and give back to the community not only their own future but the as well. If I, as a small coffee guy future of their field of study in the can make a difference, then you real world. can too.”

Photo courtesy of SFU News

By Levin C. Handy (per http://hdl.loc.gov/loc.pnp/cwpbh.04326) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

There will be an information session for SFU’s Human Resources Management Certificate on March 17 from 6:30 to 7:30 p.m., in room 5100 at the SFU Surrey campus.

This information session is a great way to find out if human resources management is for you, whether you’re a student interested in the field, a professional looking for a promotion, or just curious about the program. The session is held at no cost, and registration is available on the SFU website.

Yelin Gemma Lee Peak Associate

You don’t have to sit in school to stand among greatness.

“Everything I have, everything I am, is because of these students on campus.”

› Thomas Edison: The world’s most extraordinary failure never gave up.

Thank goodness.

open. online. everywhere. go.athabascau.ca/online-courses

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OPINIONS

Starbucks, why you gotta play me like this? I thought we had something special. Now you’re throwing away what we had and are replacing it with something awful.

The general principles of your Rewards system remain the same — register a Starbucks card, spend money, get stars in return, and use stars to redeem free rewards. But your new system you’re rolling is ridiculous compared to your current one.

First, instead of three levels in the Rewards system (Welcome, Green, and Gold), the new system will only have two (Green and Gold). Instead of beginning in the Welcome level and progressing to the Green after attaining five Stars, everyone is automatically given Green status. To progress to Gold in the current system, it only takes 30 Stars. In the new system, it takes 300.

The way to earn Stars has changed, as well. Instead of earning one Star per transaction, the new system awards two Stars per dollar spent (or one Star per fiftycents spent). To redeem these Stars for rewards, the 300-Star Gold level must first be achieved.

After this, for every 125 stars

In the world of text messaging, we complain about the amount of times meaning gets lost in translation — the amount of times our “K” texts are perceived as anger, or when and when not to punctuate our sentences. Our circumstances of miscommunication are blamed on the short forms we send across text. Yet, unfortunately, this is not a technological problem.

We make assumptions all the time and we don’t need a cell phone to do it. We are

collected, a person obtains one free reward.

Simply put, you’re fucking over me and tons of other tight-budget students with your new and “improved” Rewards system. Please tell me it’s just a dream, because I cannot jump from 30-star to a 300-star Gold status, along with all this other ‘rewards’ baggage.

Maybe this is where we part ways, my old friend.

Sure, you’re trying to soften the blow by offering monthly ‘double Stars’ days, but when you already send me email-offers for extra Stars in the current rewards system, I can’t help but feel cheated because a Star goes a lot farther right now than it will in April when you officially introduce your revised program.

One hundred twenty-five stars for a free drink? That’s a whopping $62.50 to get those stars! And you only get that free one once you’re a Gold-level customer, which requires 300 stars on top of that.

And I’m sure you’re thinking that I should just take my coffee business elsewhere. You’d be losing out on couple hundred

inherently sensitive, destined to take things too personally, and rarely inclined to go beyond our own perspectives.

How many times do we read into somebody’s tone of voice?

How many times do we twist the words they say into meaning something that maybe they don’t? How many times do we actually take the time to make sure we’re reading into things the right way?

Miscommunication is one of our greatest flaws. We assume things and we don’t have the courage to figure them out.

And the worst part is that these assumptions destroy us. They destroy our friendships and our perspectives on people; they destroy our willingness to fight for relationships to stay alive. In a sense, they fuel our isolation.

We’ve criticized the way English

March 7, 2016

opinions editor email

Adam Van der Zwan opinions@the-peak.ca

bucks a year — a mere drop in the bucket for you. But multiply that $200 by every other student who can find more buying power at another coffee chain and maybe you’ll understand why this is such a crap deal for us and for you.

Don’t tell me it’s because you can’t afford to keep the system as is, Starbucks. Don’t lie to me on top of breaking us apart. If you can

afford to pay Howard Schultz, your CEO, $149.8 million in 2013, I think you can afford any money you’d be ‘losing’ without your new program.

So how about this — with every purchase, I collect my Rewards Stars according to your ridiculous new ratios, and after collecting 125 I get a share in your company (valued at about $78 CDN at time of publication).

That would make this a win in my book. Or, you know, instead of screwing yourself over by giving me more in stock than it would cost you to just keep things the

way they are, you could just forget about this entire bad idea.

Think about it: all the reprinting costs, new marketing, and media strategies, the blowback from people like me who’ve crunched the numbers and decidedly deemed that this is whole ordeal is crap — you could avoid all of this. Personally, I believe spending less money for better return is always preferable. Especially when things like post-secondary education cost money.

It was good while it lasted, mi amore, but now you’ve lost me forever. Farewell, Starbucks.

classes force us to read between the lines and we’ve forgotten that we’re naturals at it — that we use these tactics every single day and we’ve formed our world around the assumptions we’ve created on every kind of interaction.

us with harshness behind their syllables. A world where we fail to ask questions because our assumptions guide us to answers might not even exist; thus we perpetuate the bubble of toxicity we’ve created, of always assuming and never understanding or asking. Of never mending the bruises that have developed from these assumptions.

Why are we prone to stop trying, to let broken relationships get the best of us?

Because we assume the next will be like the last. We get stuck in a pattern and assume it will perpetuate itself, so we give up before there’s even been a chance to

try. We avoid relationships, avoid their repairs, avoid conflict, we let our assumptions dictate every aspect of ours lives, and we will inevitably and irreparably hurt ourselves in the process.

These days, any miscommunication is somehow linked to a text message we sent that we shouldn’t have punctuated.

As if miscommunication stems from Facebook messenger and other sources of online conversation — as though this technology can create the problems we so frequently bring up. Has technology worsened our communication? Or were we never that good in the first place? As a communications student, I’m wired to believe the overabundance and heavy reliance on technology is the cause of a lot of our problems. But it’s not.

We are.

We live in a world where one sentence has a thousand meanings, and a slight change in pitch can suddenly make something intensely personal — targeted at

OPINIONS

I will admit that I dislike the outdoors. Ever since a misguided hike with my father at the age of six, I’ve been wary of the majesty that Mother Nature has to offer. Yet, in the summer in between grades eight and nine, I decided to tempt fate and camp with four of my cousins and one of their friends in a tent in my cousin’s backyard.

That night started out much like any other: we goofed around, ate dinner, goofed around some more, and then got ready for bed.

By the time we were ready for sleep, it was dark outside, but this didn’t matter since there was an outside light and we had a flashlight to protect us. So once we were all situated in the tent it was lights out — literally. It was pitchblack in that yard even though we were technically still in town.

Around midnight we decided to call it a night. Naturally though, someone had to go into the house to use the bathroom (oh, Teresa), which meant that those of us in the tent were without a flashlight.

March 7, 2016

Typically, if someone needs to use the restroom, my cousin Emily then decides that she needs to pee as well. The other person who had the flashlight had already been gone for about two minutes, so I told Emily to wait until we got the flashlight back. This was an unsatisfactory response, and she countered with, “This is my backyard. I know it well enough to not get lost in it.”

I couldn’t argue with that logic — it was her backyard, after all — so I let her go against my better judgement. About 30 seconds later Teresa returned. I asked her if she had passed Emily on her way back out to the tent and she confirmed. So that was that, we just needed to wait for Emily to return to the tent so we could all get some sleep. About two minutes into a random conversation, there was a thud as something bumped into one of the ropes holding the tent into the ground.

Well holy shit, I didn’t think it was possible to move that fast, or scream the way that I did.

There we were, five of us dogpiled into the middle of the tent mostly screaming in high-pitched fear. I say mostly as the sound that I made was more of an “ARRRRRRAAAAAAGGGGGHHH,” about an octave lower than everyone else’s.

The screaming only stopped when the zipper of the tent started to make noise. I threw myself in front of the others so I could face the intruder. As the zipper opened further, I saw that it was Emily coming back from the bathroom. I pulled her into the tent while yelling, “Holy crap! In the tent, in the tent! There is a bear out there!”

And instead of reacting like I expected, she simply laughed her ass off.

After having awoken the entire neighbourhood, and being yelled at by my aunt and uncle, it turned out that there never was a bear that ran into the side of the tent.

It was Emily. Turns out she didn’t know her backyard as well as she thought, and instead of walking to the front of the tent she walked into the side of it.

Needless to say, it was a very long time before I trusted Emily again with anything, not just her knowledge of her backyard, and thankfully was one of the last times I went camping.

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After years of genetically modifying calzones in a mildew-covered basement, a hideous monster is born: the Pizza Pocket.

Pizza Pockets are essentially highly noxious cheese farts wrapped up like fat little gremlins in a swaddle of greasy dough. Whenever I eat them, I feel like a baby bird cawing away, eager for its mother to vomit into its mouth (and I wouldn’t be surprised if I was literally eating pre-chewed earthworms — the ingredients

of Pizza Pockets are basically a military secret).

Pizza Pockets don’t even pretend to be delicious, either, since they know that you’ve already hit rock bottom eating them. After those little poopsacks are chucked into the microwave, they immediately explode into a crime scene of cheese and self-loathing, and then arrogantly expect you to shove their mangled existence into your mouth. I won’t stand for your abuse anymore, Pizza Pockets.

Pizza in your pockets! A cool snack and great quirk — who wouldn’t want to be known as the babe with the pizza in their pockets? It’ll be a quirk you’re actually proud of, as opposed to that other quirk you have of being a nervous farter (you’ll never forget that one time at summer camp where you went in to kiss Victor for the first time and ripped one so loud that he ended up crying with fear).

Pocket pizza will make you the hippest cat on the block, like John Travolta in Grease and, incidentally, just as greasy as John Travolta in Grease. Just carry a few slices of ‘za at all times, and you’ll always be ready for action.

“Is that pizza in your pocket or are you happy to see me?”

It’s both, of course! You’re always happy when you’ve got pizza in your pockets.

THE PEAK IS HIRING! Are you interested in marketing and communications work, event planning, and getting to know more of your fellow students? Do you love SFU’s official student newspaper but don’t quite know how to get involved? Do you want to earn some extra cash during the semester? If so, The Peak is looking for you to become our new Promotions Coordinator!

Please send your resume and cover letter to jobs@the-peak.ca by Friday, March 11, 2016.

For more info visit the-peak.ca/jobs or drop and chat with our current Promotions Coordinato Cecile during her office hours Thursdays 12:00 p.m. — 2:00 p.m.

QUALIFICATIONS • Outgoing personality • Ability to work creatively and independently • Good time management skills • Ability to communicate with a vast network of people and groups • Basic knowledge of university policies and procedures

the-peak.ca/jobs

10 OPINIONS

In recent years, public shaming has become a popular tactic for harassing people. From cyberbullying to revenge porn, the Internet has become a new arena for psychological abuse. In many cases, the victim’s personal and professional life is negatively affected. The story of Desiree Capuano — someone whose life is being destroyed by an online revenge website set up by her exhusband — unfortunately occurs more often than one would expect.

According to CBC, Capuano’s ex, Patrick Fox, created a site in her name in order to “make her life as miserable as possible.”

Apart from calling her a drug addict, a child abuser, and a white supremacist, the website is “full of vulgar content and demeaning images and purport[s] to describe details of her sex life.” Capuano’s partners, friends, and family have also been unnecessarily included.

Fox made it clear that this is a premeditated attack on the mother of his child.

The argument on behalf of female genital mutilation (FGM) has been happening for thousands of years, as the procedure has been practiced for centuries globally. According to the United Nations, over 30 countries have practiced FGM. FGM is generally practiced as infibulation, where young girls’ or infants’ labia lips are cut off, as well as their clitoris. The vaginal opening could also be sewn nearly completely shut, with just enough room for menstrual bleeding to emerge. These procedures can cause irrevocable

While issues of stalking, cyberbullying, the threat of physical violence and the problematic involvement of children are all present in this scenario, the lack of legal options available to Capuano are not — and it’s heartbreaking. Unable to afford the legal fees for civil court, she took her complaints to all the authorities she could. According to the CBC, this included “local sheriffs in Arizona, the FBI, the hosts of the website and several lawyers.”

March 7, 2016

While a protective order stops Fox from sending Capuano emails, the main source of harassment — the website — has not been taken down. In July 2015, Fox was arrested for a short while. Unfortunately, The Crown did not approve the charge of criminal harassment recommended by the RCMP, and Fox was subsequently released. A spokesman for The Crown mentioned that a factor affecting their decision was that the two parties live in different countries.

Here is the problem: Fox has stated plainly that he seeks to

“ruin her life and destroy her.”

We are witnessing an abusive man who has made it clear that he has every intention of hurting his ex-wife psychologically, emotionally, and financially. How does this not constitute as criminal harassment? How is there no way of helping her?

Despite living in different countries, Fox continues to harass Capuano with the click of a button. It is careless and wrong for people to have that kind of power, and it makes no sense not to have stronger cyber laws in place that would prevent a cyber attacker from committing crimes across national borders.

According to the Canadian Bar Association, the Criminal Code outlaws publishing defamatory libel, defined as material published that is likely to injure a person’s reputation through hate, csontempt or ridicule, and insult. The definitions of cyberbullying outlined by the Canadian Bar Association are all present in this case.

Fox’s tunnel vision in destroying his wife’s life should not be overlooked. There are many ways this situation could escalate to physical violence because they live in two different countries.

For instance, according to the CBC, “Fox admits he often copies his son on emails to Capuano, including [those] about his plan to hire somebody to obtain sexually explicit photos to post on the website.” If he seeks revenge porn, what would stop him from hiring someone to attack her physically?

The laws cannot just exist, they also have to be enforced. Harassment via the Internet is unique and dangerous simply because the perpetrator does not have to leave the house. The legal system has to adapt to the improvements in technology

and how this affects parties living in different places.

This case is not just about the suffering of Desiree Capuano. It reflects the struggles of many adults and children on the internet. We cannot leave people helpless in the face of such cyber-harassment, even if they live in two separate countries. If Canadian and American laws worked in tandem with each other to quash such harassment, this would undoubtedly set an historical precedent in the cyber era.

complications for childbirth and sex, as well as psychological trauma.

Although FGM is criminalized in Canada and depicted negatively throughout mainstream media, gynecologist Dr. Allan Jacobs argues that minor vulvar procedures should be legalized as a “compromise.” He states that to disallow “small vulvar nick[s]” would be discriminatory towards different cultures that uphold this practice, and that allowing them could “forestalls subsequent vulvar infibulation done under dangerous conditions.”

His intention is to replace major infibulation procedures with smaller, less invasive procedures; ones he claims are completely harmless to the child at the time, and as she grows into womanhood. In an interview with CBC radio, Jacobs compares ear piercings, circumcision, and breast

enhancement surgeries to female genital mutilation procedures.

Though, when creating analogies like these, it is crucial to look to the reasons for a procedure. Female genital mutilation procedures are based in patriarchal traditions, can be meant to inhibit sexual pleasure for women, can cause dangerous repercussions, and are simply harmful operations that young children cannot consent to.

If Allen Jacobs intends less invasive procedures to be a compromise, it is a compromise that will most likely fail. According to Ruth Macklin of the Albert Einstein College of Medicine, cultures that are inclined to perform extreme mutilation of female genitals would not be likely to acceptless invasive alterations just because they’re available. In fact, the practice of genital mutilation was often done in many

cultures to determine whether a women was essentially ‘marriage material.’

If less invasive vulvar ‘nicks,’ as Jacobs proposed, were carried out as harmlessly as he describes, then there would be no evidence on the woman by the time of marriage; and therefore could be seen as obsolete.

The fact of the matter is, not every cultural practice deserves respect. Historically, the United States used female genital mutilation to cure hysteria in the 19th and 20th centuries, until people began to question the ethics of the practice.

To preach cultural acceptance surrounding a violent and nonconsensual procedure in nonsensical. It is undeniable; some cultural practices are harmful.

Culture is a dynamic force that can shift and change, and to accept a

practice as harmful as FGM is regrettable at best.

Maryum Saifee has written for The Guardian about her experiences with ‘less invasive’ FGM, and hopes to be an inspiration for other women to come forward with their experiences. Saifee, when speaking on air to CBC, states that her experience with type one female alteration procedures was a “blocked out the memory because it was so traumatic.”

Instead of making loose inferences about whether or not “less invasive” FGM procedures are psychologically and physically traumatic, Jacobs should turn to survivors of the procedure he is recommending in order to learn the real effects it can have. As Saifee adamantly insists, “any form of structured genderbased violence [. . . is] just wrong,” and in no way should we condone or accept it.

March 7, 2016

COMMUNITY PHOTOS June 29, 2015

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ARTS

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March 7, 2016

Last week, I was invited to an advance listening session of Michael Bernard Fitzgerald’s upcoming indie rock album, I Wanna Make It With You. As I walked into the Fairmont Hotel in Vancouver I had no idea what to expect. Before that night, I tried to research Michael Bernard Fitzgerald so I would have an idea of how the album listening session would go. I was stuck. Was this a solo act or a band? What was the genre of the artist? I listened to as much of his music as possible, but I could not solve the mystery of Michael Bernard Fitzgerald.

When I reached the second floor, I was greeted by someone named Andrew Ball. Later on, I discovered that he was the drummer for Michael Bernard Fitzgerald. As Ball led a group of us into the hotel room — where the listening session would take place — his upbeat personality created a casual atmosphere. It felt like hanging out with a group of friends. That sense of informality and intimacy was present throughout the entire experience.

When I was younger, I recognized actors by their faces, not their names. Why would I really need to know that Harry Potter was actually called Daniel Radcliffe? Or that Spiderman was really called Peter Parker — I mean, Tobey Maguire? I was too young to care.

But as we get older, we appreciate these things more, and in doing so, our connections become more real. My connection, for example, to Peter Parker, had me conceding that I might ask him for help on

Jess Whitesel arts@the-peak.ca

17

As expected, Fitzgerald sang lead and played the guitar while Ball handled the percussion and occasionally sang harmonies. The unique and interesting element in this equation was Frankie Lemon on cello. Strings play a relevant

part in Michael Bernard Fitzgerald’s music. To enhance the presence of strings, they contacted people online, and happened to find Lemon. The album listening session was the first time they all played together. We were watching an improvised performance that never felt muddled.

Fitzgerald’s voice was crisp and effortless. Every song felt authentic. The album did not seem

to have a specific pace or style; each song seemed to be independent in meaning and serve an individual purpose. This quality reflects Fitzgerald’s statements about the songs in the album being open-ended.

According to him, no song is “wrapped up.” In between songs, Fitzgerald had the tendency to talk about the inspiration or personal story behind a particular song. For example, “A to Z” was created when a friend challenged him to write a song about the alphabet during a plane ride.

Clarifying my curiosity about whether Michael Bernard Fitzgerald was a solo act or a band, Ball told me that performances could range from Fitzgerald alone to a full orchestra depending on the occasion.

This particular occasion was a small jam session.

Michael Bernard Fitzgerald’s versatile music reflects an ability to manipulate energy and atmosphere. There is a positive and personable quality to their music that occurs naturally. I am excited to hear the full album when it is released on March 11.

this article, considering his renowned workplace.

That being said, growing up, when I heard the name Leonardo DiCaprio I always thought “Yes I know him. He’s Captain Jack Sparrow!” Only later on, I had an epiphany about the ‘Depp’ of my stupidity. Stupidity is a strong word, but it is definitely apt for describing confusing two great actors who have no resemblance to each other whatsoever — an obvious reason why one should be able to tell them apart. Could Leo have played Jack Sparrow though?

Perhaps — as far as birds go, he certainly brings out his inner songbird with his melodic humming in 2013 movie, The Sparrow of Wall Street — I mean, wolf.

If Leonardo DiCaprio were in the Caribbean, it’d probably be on holiday. I can’t see him

taking many of those, though, considering the large roles that he plays every year.

Consistency. Leo is the epitome of it. His longevity makes him special. At 41, DiCaprio has played key roles in several noteworthy films. Inception. The Wolf of Wall Street. Django Unchained. Blood Diamond. Those are my personal favorites! Leo has stayed true to his art and kept on acting, despite the Oscar evading him a previous six times he was nominated, before he actually “unchained” it this year. Allow me to unchain the question that serves as the backbone to this whole article.

Did Leo deserve his Oscar?

Well, does February 14 deserve to be called Valentine’s Day? In both cases the answer is YES. However, more hearts were probably fulfilled on February 28 when

Leo got his Oscar than on Valentine’s Day this year. I was on the train to Chinatown for a comedy show when I first found out. My brother texted me saying “Homeboy Leo got the Oscar!!!!” and my reply was “YESSSSSS! I thought I was your homeboy though?” He still hasn’t replied. . .

I believe Leo won his rightful Oscar. The others were not meant for him. But why this year?

Destiny? The universe? Stars aligning? Or was The Revenant THAT phenomenal? I don’t think we can credit the universe or stars for this one because they would have favoured Matt Damon, on account of how much time he spent up there in The Martian. So no, it wasn’t the globetrotter, Damon, who won the Oscar. It was instead the man who sees the globe as our

treasure, as emphasized in his winning speech for “best actor.”

On a night where the media retina was focused and framed around the #OscarsSoWhite controversy born out of a lack of diversity in this year’s nominations, Leo had other ideas for the theme of his speech: #OscarsSoGreen. DiCaprio lamented the mistreatment of the Earth today and bashed the posers and corporations who seek personal benefit at the expense of our planet’s well-being.

What can we learn from that speech? We can play a part in something way bigger than ourselves and bigger than a Hollywood production, or whatever it is we directly manifest our energy into on a daily basis.

Keep fighting for your own Oscar moment.

18 ARTS

When I read Antoine de Saint-Exupéry’s The Little Prince in grade seven, it had no impact on me at the time. The book isn’t really for children. It’s an adult story told with the boisterous spirit of a child, meant for those who can’t remember how to perceive the world with imagination. I had to lose my unabashed inkling to trust and believe before I could understand The Little Prince.

Published in 1943, during the Second World War, The Little Prince considers many themes pertinent to the author’s personal life and the time period; Nazism, mortality, and materialism. The novel is about a prince that leaves his lonely asteroid to travel the universe. On his journey, he encounters foolish men that concern themselves with inessential, material things: a king without a kingdom, a businessman who hoards his wealth, and a drunk who drinks to forget he is a drunk, among others.

Because the original story is so episodic and uniquely structured,

March 7, 2016

director Mark Osborne sidesteps the challenge of segmenting the story in his animated adaptation by integrating the novel into the plot of the film as a story within a story, which is an ingenious practical and thematic choice. This is in no way a remake, more a consideration of the book’s ongoing relevance and power. By having a girl directly interact with the novel, she actively decodes Exupéry’s metaphors, demonstrating what the story means to her and us today.

The film is set in contemporary times, which is depicted in boring, rigid shapes — the cars are boxes, the houses are designed in rectangles and the bird’s eye view of the suburban neighborhood is a dull square. The young girl’s mother has a square board that outlines every minute of her life for maximum efficiency, doing away with any awe or wonder. The map for our protagonist’s life is as logical and structured as the design of the square neighborhood in which she lives. The girl is forced to study dense arithmetic.

Stories and art aren’t a part of the curriculum. They are expendable.

By not directly adapting the novel, Exupéry himself becomes a character within the film. The man next door, who shares pages of the book with the little girl, is from

another world. His kooky inventions, lopsided house, and illogically proportioned figure are alien and distant from all the sharp edges and straight logic. The author of one of the most creative classics of all time is seen as a lunatic and out of touch with supposedly better, contemporary ways of thinking.

The Little Prince is a film about the intangible power of storytelling, about how its value can’t be explained, only felt. Osborne uses three different kinds of animation to consider the impact of the prince’s story on the little girl and

the audience, too. The 3D animation captures the realistic spaces with proper depth and shape. Stopmotion is used in the story within the story, and the craft-like aesthetic puts us inside the girl’s imagination.

Flat, two-dimensional animation depicts the illustrations from the novel, often in tandem with narration to engage the viewer in a kind of Rorschach test, questioning our rigid perception.

By cleverly adapting the novel as a story within a story, The Little Prince interprets its dense source material, shows the power of stories

as it changes the mindset of a little girl, and considers the way the author may have been viewed if he lived in our heavily structured and scientifically-minded society. Exupéry’s message is resoundingly subversive: “It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.”

If you have faith to follow this film’s ludicrously structured narrative, you will perceive things in an old way — like a child. Eyes provide facts, while the heart is the reason for living in the first place. It’s clear which one is the more essential.

Following the release of the Benji in 2014 and Universal Themes in 2015, the 2016 collaboration album Jesu/Sun Kil Moon provides a stable ground that will go on to please the most dedicated of Kozelek fans, and alienate the Benji bandwagoners that despise the Sun Kil Moon (SKM) diary-lyric styles of Universal Themes.

Fans who crave Kozelek’s personal lyricism will enjoy him yelling through essays of lyrics that reflect the same diaryrealist-daily routine habits over Jesu’s blasting post-rock/synth timbre, such as in “Good Morning, My Love” and “America’s Most Wanted Mark Kozelek.”

However, older fans of SKM will settle for songs such as

“Fragile” that reminisce the nylon fingerpicking of Benji, or songs like “Exodus” and “Beautiful You” that reflect the somber electro-ambient tales of Kozelek & Lavelle’s Perils From The Sea. However, though this an album that is worth checking out for anybody who enjoys post-rock and incredible lyrics, those unfamiliar with either artist should check out their previous discography before jumping into this.

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ARTS

March 7, 2016

FF

Performance Works Theatre on Granville Island simply didn’t have enough seats to hold the number of excited audience members for the double bill of Heather Laura Gray: The Tunnel, and OURU Collective: Pace on February 28.

The 2 p.m. show was pushed back as staff of New Works scrambled to find chairs for a constant influx of people for about 20 extra minutes. When the lights finally went down, I noticed that Performance Works does not black out entirely well — bits of light were visible in the ceiling, betraying the drizzly grey of a Sunday afternoon.

This February edition of New Works: Dance Allsorts brought to the stage two 25-minute “works in progress.” Tunnel, choreographed

by Heather Laura Gray, delved into the complex human mind using Sigmund Freud’s psychoanalytic concepts of the id, the ego, and the superego.

Four dancers clad in all black with fully-wrapped white heads represented the dissection of the mind — Emily Tellier as Id, Navid Charkhi as Superego, and Katie Lowen as Ego, with apprentice Alisa Vink as the creative addition of the “soul.”

In Tunnel, smoke filled the stage and created a triangle of light that made the dancers’ white heads float eerily in space as they hunched, convulsed, and writhed around the stage.

The dancers used the street dance method of popping to initiate their movement and manipulate each other. The jarring muscle contractions in their bodies became electric shocks that moved them around the dark stage, like robots.

The piece developed in a bizarre way, moving through

popping, contemporary floorwork, and acrobatics. When Alisa Vink entered the stage at the end to perform a mournful solo in a spotlight, I was left grasping at the connection of a deep voice in the soundscore repeating “body of land, body of water” with her searching, reaching gestures.

The second piece Pace (Act 1) is the first full-length piece created by OURU Collective, an energetic young group of Vancouver dancers with varied backgrounds. The group used strong, driving hip hop music, along with a mish-mash of B-boy, waacking, locking, and contemporary dance styles arranged in intentional lines and shapes.

Pace showcased the strong suits of each dancer: Cristina Bucci’s contemporary hip-hop fusion, Antonio Somera’s sassy waacking, Dean Placzek and Mark Siller’s incredible B-boy floorwork, and Maiko Miyachi’s graceful edge. Apprentice Kevin Li appeared for a short period of time to “tut” across the stage and mesmerize us with his snakelike hands.

The piece oscillated between the more “free” moments of solos and duets and highlysculpted shapes. In one section, OURU connected fists in a perfect line, moving like a human centipede across the stage until each dancer broke off. This repeated motif enforced the theme — the isolation and competition of urban society that the individual must strive to break free from.

Both performances received loud affirmation from the audience on Granville Island. But I am looking forward to seeing how both of these pieces develop. Will they manage to individuate themselves in a contemporary dance landscape that is fusing more and more with street styles and martial arts? Admittedly, there was a youthful buzz about the show, and definitely something sexy about the way OURU used the music that had me dancing — more than once — in my seat.

19

FOOD FIGHT

We get it, we know you can’t always afford fancy stuff. Your seasonal contract working for Forever 21 just expired, and no matter how much you ‘make it rain’ with your résumé throughout Vancouver, you can’t seem to find work. Your savings are dwindling and your palms sweat while telling your friends you can’t tag along to Earl’s for a birthday because you’re broke as fuck. We’ve all been there, and food fight is here to offer up five cheap eats with vegetarian options.

Disclaimer: some of these places might lack fantastic ambiance and make you really utilize your unlimited student compass card. The purpose of this article is to highlight places with prices great for broke

students and mediocrity in everything else.

1. The Famous Warehouse Locations at 989 Granville St., and 156 West Hastings St. Everything on the menu is $4.95, including a surprising variety of vegetarian options like the vegetarian quesadilla, veggie burgers, and more. The portions are fair, especially for the price, and the ambiance is alright for a meeting with a friend. Be sure to avoid the rush hours and note they only accept credit or cash. If you have neither, be prepared to use their ATM in the back.

2. Bon’s Off Broadway Located at 2451 Nanaimo St. You woke up at 2 p.m. Sunday afternoon with a hangover that demands bottomless coffee and a greasy all-American breakfast. I’ve got the remedy for you.

Grab a friend and make the trek out to Bon’s Off Broadway for a proudly advertised all day $2.95 breakfast which includes eggs, meat, potatoes, and toast. In a bit of a nitty gritty ambiance inside and out but with brisk service and perfectly cooked eggs.

3. La Taqueria Pinche Taco Shop Locations at 2549 Cambie St., 322 West Hastings St., and 1305 Welch St. Local, organic, cheap tacos with homemade tortillas with a location on Cambie and

Hastings. . . need I say more?

Vegetarian tacos at $2.50 each or 4 for $8.50, splitsies with a friend if you’re not too hungry — they include two vegan options with mushrooms and zucchini.

4. Sushi California Locations at 388 West Broadway, and 501 North Rd. This spot offers large sashimi portions and large sushi rolls for well under $5, and is popular amongst the community for both its quality and quantity. I would suggest avoiding the typical rush hours and not bringing a larger group without a reservation. It’s just a short walk from Lougheed Town Centre station!

5. Basil Pasta Bar Locations at 636 Davie St., and 1602 Yew St. Near Pacific Centre downtown and with a motto of “tasty meets affordable,” it’s still not going to be the most extravagant pasta you’ll ever eat. That being said, almost all the dishes are $8.95 and a glass of house wine to accompany your meal is $4. The service is friendly and will tolerate your vegan inquiries with grace. It’s good for a cheaper Italian dinner fare without really sacrificing anything.

20

SPORTS

March 7, 2016

sports editor email

Nick Bondi sports@the-peak.ca

on the losing end of the score, but for a couple of breaks we could have easily had different results.”

Renney previewed the upcoming games to take place this season, stating that, “having played this past weekend in our home opener, I am hopeful that the home field jitters are behind us and we can get down to business [. . .] we will continue to work on one of our team’s biggest weaknesses thus far and that is our responding to adversity; be it an opponent’s big hit, an error from our defense, or missed opportunities with baserunners.

“In our first three games versus Western Washington, after something bad occurred, we tended to lose focus resulting in us giving up runs; in our last game we responded much better, but still as a young team we have work to do.”

This past weekend, the SFU Women’s Softball team opened up GNAC Conference Play with a home-and-home set of double headers against rival Western Washington Vikings. The Clan dropped the first two on the road 7–1 and 10–5 in Bellingham Washington. In Sunday’s home contests, the Clan fell 7–3 in a rain delayed opener before prevailing 7–1 in the nightcap of the doubleheader.

Despite the weather, there was a strong crowd on hand to support the home squad. In the second game, Center Fielder Taylor Gillis staked the Clan to a 2–1 lead in the second inning on a two-run double. Gillis would finish with 3 RBIs on the day. In the fourth inning, first baseman Nicole Ratel jacked a two-run home run to push the lead to 5–1. Alia Stachoski struck

out seven, scattered six hits, and yielded just one run in a complete game gem. The win broke a 12-game losing streak against Western Washington.

Coach Mike Renney commented on the weekend action,

noting that “Western has had our number for the past couple of years, and as our Conference’s preseason number one pick to win it all, we knew we were in tough to open with them in a Home and Home series.

“So, while we would have liked to have split the series, it was good to see the athlete’s character in bouncing back from three straight losses. It was also good to see that we competed in each game even though we came out

the year to play for a better team.

They feel like they’ve grown into a strong contender; just ask chaser Raunaq Singh.

A roller-coaster weekend for SFU Quidditch had the potential for a fairy tale ending — but just like the golden snitch, it slipped through their fingers at the last minute.

After winning in sudden-death double overtime to clinch their spot in the finals for the Western Regionals for Quidditch Canada, SFU lost by a score of 60*–40 to the Alberta Clippers, who defended their title having won last year as well. (Asterisk denotes which team caught the snitch.)

SFU was up 40–30, but Clippers seeker Fraser Duff was evetually able to give Alberta the win.

The regionals, held this year in Abbotsford on Feb. 27 and 28, featured the two aforementioned teams as well as the University of Victoria Valkyries, Calgary Mudbloods, and Vancouver Vipertooths. The Winnipeg Whomping Willows was unable to make the travel out west.

Despite only coming in second, team captain James Champion was happy with how the team played, and considered the weekend as a whole to be another good step for a team emerging as a constant threat in their league.

“I feel like we’re a bigger player on the [Quidditch Canada] stage and that we’re a team to beat rather than just another team,” said Champion. “I think we’ve risen in the eyes of other teams just as much as our own eyes.”

This is not the same team that saw players defect to the University of British Columbia (who plays in the United States Quidditch league) at the beginning of

140*–10 victory over the Valkyries, but losing their round-robin match against Alberta by a score of 130*– 70 in overtime. SFU was up in that game 70–10, but ended up getting cocky and fell apart and the Clippers roared back.

Their next day saw them take a decisive 120–70* victory over the Vancouver Vipertooths to set the stage for their final match against Calgary. Both teams entered the game with a 2–1 record, meaning that whoever won would face Alberta in the finals.

Jitters played a role for the inexperienced SFU squad, who was lucky enough to hang around and force a first overtime with the score tied at 90–90. The teams would

“The team has immensely evolved as a unit since the beginning of the year,” said Singh. “This tournament was certainly our best so far. What I am really excited about is where we go on from this point onwards into the future.”

SFU would split their games on the first day, storming out to a

trade one goal each during the first overtime, which sent them to the sudden-death second overtime.

With all eyes of team captain and offensive catalyst James Champion, he drew the Mudbloods to him which left chaser Janet Li wide open beside the hoops, who Champion was able to shovel the quaffle to leaving Li to immediately shove the ball through, setting up the finals.

Despite the heartbreak of the finals, SFU came into the weekend with a goal to send a message to the rest of Quidditch Canada that their recent run of success wasn’t a fluke, and they could perform on the regional stage as well. To that end, Champion was satisfied.

“I was really proud of the way we worked together and applied what we’d worked,” said Champion. “We were relentless when we had to be and big moments didn’t faze us.”

Disclaimer: Nathan Ross is a member of the SFU Quidditch team.

SPORTS

March 7, 2016

Some nights they’d look competitive. Heck, on some nights they’d even have a lead at the end of the first half. But even on those nights, usually the other team took over and dominated the second half, leading to yet another loss.

“We would have [good] halves here and there, but it could never be two halves in the same game,” said Head Coach Virgil Hill. “We just couldn’t be consistent enough stringing that together for an entire game.”

In the end, the men’s basketball team finished with a 2–24 record, winning just one conference game. This is a team that underwent an 18-game losing streak and closed out the season with five straight losses — losing each of the last three by 20 points or more.

To say it was unexpected, however, is not a fair assessment. The team lost its four top scorers from last season: senior point guard Sango Niang, who led the Great Northwest Athletic Conference

in points per game and was 13th in the entire NCAA Div II; junior Roderick Evans-Taylor transferred to Cal State-LA; senior Justin Cole; and promising 6’8” freshman Patrick Simon transferred across town to UBC. The loss of graduating seniors, combined with a high turnover, caused at least in part due to a change in coaching staff — Hill taking over from coach James Blake, who had coached the team for five years, the result of which was a rebuilding year.

“Ultimately, it’s about winning, and that’s what we weren’t able to do,” said Hill. “Would I call it a failure? Partially, but it’s part of the process — you don’t win overnight and the program has struggled, especially in the era of the NCAA, and we haven’t quite found the right formula, in terms of how it’s going to be successful moving forward. And that’s what I’m trying to do now.”

The term ‘success’ — if it can be used at all to describe this season — might perhaps be used to describe the development of some of the younger players.

Oshea Gairey came in ready to play in this division in his freshman year, averaging 13.3 points per game and hitting the 20 point mark four times this season. If he stays for four years, he will almost certainly become the star of the program.

Redshirt freshmen Andrew Williamson and Bowen Bakken,

two players Hill said he “didn’t expect anything from,” have come into the lineup and become effective role players.

Gibran Sewani, who is in his junior season and as of now will be SFU’s only senior next season, showed flashes of brilliance, but couldn’t find consistency. If he finds that consistency, he’ll probably be one of the most exciting players to watch.

As of now, the men’s basketball team has two new signees.

Guard Kedar Wright, who played two seasons at UBC, transferring here, was supposed to play this season, but will instead play

next year. Wright averaged 11.8 points per game, and put up 23 points in 40 minutes played in a CIS playoff game.

The other signing is Chase Hobenshield, 6’7” centre from GP Vanier Secondary on Vancouver Island. He is expected to redshirt next season.

Hill hopes that next season the team may even compete for a playoff spot.

“I don’t know if this is realistic or not, I mean I’m being optimistic when I say this, but battling for that last playoff spot, battling for sixth place,” he explained.

SFU took on the Selkirk College Saints in what was a pivotal game in terms of the standings.

With a single point lead and the visitors having a game in hand, the Clan needed a win in regulation to ensure that they stayed in first and guaranteed themselves home ice advantage throughout the playoffs.

However, a dominating performance by Selkirk led to a 5–0 defeat. Couple that with a victory

by Selkirk the next night over the

Trinity Western Spartans, SFU is now the second seed in the British Columbia Intercollegiate Hockey League, with no chance of reclaiming first place.

“I think there was a series of events that led to the way we played, and including the week of practice,” commented Head Coach Mark Coletta. “It was a combination of attitude, and just being engaged during the week and taking things a little too much for granted.”

The first period ended scoreless, with SFU leading Selkirk in shots by a six-to-five margin. But after that, it was all Selkirk. They scored three in the period, from Ryan Edwards, Tanner Lenting, and leading scorer Dallas Calvin which gave the visitors a commanding 3–0 lead. It didn’t get

any better in the third, as the Clan gave up two empty netters to make the final score 5–0.

“It starts with the coaching staff, it starts with me,” said Coletta. “So the finger points at me and that’s up to me to fix, and that’s what I intend on doing. [. . .] Moving forward, I think there’s elements of our game that need some work, but the focus is going to be hard work and paying attention to detail this week.”

He elaborated, stating, “I think our five-on-five play is not the best. We haven’t generated a lot of offence five-on-five in the last couple of weeks, and I think our power play has been a little off kilter after that Trinity [ Western] explosion four weeks ago.”

With the standings now set, players, coaches and fans now can look forward to a playoff matchup against local rivals Trinity Western University, one that promises to be very feisty and entertaining.

“Obviously it’s going to be heated, playing each other the last two years in the playoffs,” said Coletta. “I think we know each other very well, our tendencies in our systems, but at this point I think execution and efficiency is going to be the things that make the difference in playoffs. Of course playoff hockey is ramped up, so I expect both teams to have energy and play.

“It’s a matter of who executes their systems better will end up winning these games.”

21

While a playoff push seems unlikely, there will at least be something to watch. The wins might not be there, but you can see the development of a young core — one that Clan fans will just have to hope will bring the men’s basketball team their first winning season in their tenure in the NCAA. But there’s no guarantees, as the sixth season of NCAA contention passes, which you would think is enough time — in theory at least — to build something, if there is a contender that can be built.

For the full story, visit the-peak.ca.

22 SPORTS

March 7, 2016

SFU will play host to Whitecaps FC II on Sunday, March 13. This marks a return for former SFU Head Coach Alan Koch, who coached SFU for seven seasons before leaving for the Whitecaps. Admission to the game will be free.

It takes a great amount of commitment to get to a high level in hockey, and Mathew BerryLamontagna is a perfect example of this commitment. Having started playing the game at an early age, he has been to many towns and a part of many leagues — including the highest level of junior hockey in Canada — before coming to SFU to join their hockey team.

“I would have been probably around four,” said Berry-Lamontagna on when he started playing hockey. “[I] played in the basement with my dad and just started skating around. He was the one that really got me into it. I’ve been playing ever since.”

From there, Berry-Lamontagna was picked up at 16 by the Prince Albert Raiders, a team in the Western Hockey League.

“I was playing Major Midget in my region, which is the Vancouver region. I played two years there, when I was 15 and 16. In my second year, I kind of had a bigger role [. . .] I was captain, got to develop a bit more. “[The team] approached me after one of the games — I guess they had been watching me for a while, they had put me on their 50man protected list, so I became their property, they owned my rights in the WHL. I went to spring camp, and then the main camp in the fall, and they offered me a contract.”

In Prince Albert, BerryLamontagna had the chance to play with and against elite level players, including teammate Mark McNeil, a first round draft pick of the Chicago Blackhawks.

“It was really cool,” he said.

“You get to play with some really highly talented players.

First round picks, guys that are sent down from the NHL back to their WHL teams. I kind of learned what it’s like to be a professional, see how those guys conduct themselves and work ethic, and stuff like that.

SFU is sending its largest ever team to the Indoor Track & Field Championships on March 11–12 in Pittsburg, Kansas. SFU is sending a total of 11 athletes, including their first jumper Vladislav Tsygankov and male sprinter Joel Webster.

So that was good learning experience for me.”

After two years in the WHL, it was off to the BCHL. He played a full season for the West Kelowna Warriors, before being traded to the Coquitlam Express, and again midseason to the Cowichan Valley Capitals. That made it four different cities in three seasons for Berry-Lamontagna.

“It’s really cool, actually. You get to meet people you probably wouldn’t get to meet otherwise,” he said on moving around so much. “You live with billets, so these people open up their homes to you, to live with them and experience living with a different family and living away from home for the first time.”

“My first time I was away, I would have been 16 when I went to Prince Albert. [. . .] It makes you grow up pretty quick. But all the families I stayed with were great and made my transition really easy.”

Players “age out” once they hit 20 in junior hockey, meaning they are no longer eligible to play. That’s when SFU Hockey Head Coach Mark Coletta came calling.

“Mark Coletta contacted me my last year of junior. [It was] kind of getting to the end of the

year and around the time where he starts his recruiting. I got a call from him, we talked, went through the recruiting process, and decided this was a good spot for me.

“I had never met [Coletta] before. Just through the phone calls. My coach in Cowichan at the time, Bob Beedie, he had known Mark, so I kind of had an idea what he was about, knew he was a good guy, good intentions, so it made it a little easier.”

It has turned out to be a good decision. Berry-Lamontagna has become an integral part of the team, and a constant on the back end. He is third on the team in scoring, with 19 points in 23 games this year, including a three-goal, six-point performance earlier in the year against rivals Trinity Western. The hat trick was the first of his career.

“That was kind of cool, something that doesn’t happen too often for a defenceman,” he said.

“It was a weird game, a highscoring game. [. . .] Our play play went four for five, we scored on our first four ones. It’s one of those things where everything seemed to be clicking, especially for myself. Shots from the point sometimes don’t get through, sometimes they get blocked, but that day they were getting through and hitting the back of the net.”

With the playoffs approaching and their spot ensured, the team is solely focused on winning

the elusive BCIHL championship, something that came very close to happening last year before they fell to Selkirk College.

“I know the guys here, from last year especially, are pretty bitter about it. We got guys [like] Jono Ceci, he’s been here for five years, all-time leading point getter in the BCIHL, and he hasn’t won it yet.

We don’t talk about it too much, but I think everybody knows that we have a pretty special team this year and there’s guys that we want to win it for, like the senior guys. We have a special team, but it’s going to be a lot of work.”

After school, Berry-Lamontagna plans to try to make it professionally, wherever that may be.

“I’ve kind of always liked the idea of trying to go play pro somewhere overseas [. . .] I’ve put so much time and hard work into the game I think it would only be fair to myself to give myself that opportunity if it came. Obviously school, to get my degree comes first. But after school is done, I’d like to try to do that.”

Senior Michael Harper has been named GNAC Men’s Basketball All-Conference Honourable Mention.

Harper led SFU with an average of 33.3 minutes per game, as well as first in steals with an average of 1.4 per game.

Junior Tyler McLean and Redshirt Junior Reid Watkins are going to the NCAA Division II Wrestling National Championships.

McLean finished third at the Regional Championships, while Watkins finished fourth in his respective weight class. The National Championships will take place in Sioux Falls, South Dakota on March 11.

SPORTS

March 7, 2016

Seven seniors from SFU’s football team have been invited to CFL combines. Michael Couture and Quinn Horton have been invited to the 2016 CFL National Combine in Toronto, which will take place from March 11th to March 13th. Earl Anderson, Tyler Nickel, Jamie Puffer, Nikolai Karpun, and Tiernan Docherty have been invited to the Regional Combine in Edmonton which will take place on March 7th.

Couture started every game he played during his four years with the Clan, while Horton finished with the most tackles from a defensive linemen on the team with a total of 37. Being directly invited to the National Combine, they do not have to attend the Regional Combine taking place in Edmonton.

Ever since the season ended, Couture has been preparing for

the combine to impress all nine CFL teams that will be there.

“I’ve been training six days a week,” said Couture. “I’m a offensive lineman and Quinn Horton’s a defensive tackle who’s also going, and that worked out really well, because we’re the same age, almost the same weight, [and] we go against each other on the field. We’ve been up here four days a week and then we have a personal trainer in Surrey we’ve been going to twice a week.”

The combine will feature a number of drills that players will have to test themselves on, such as one on one drills, bench press, and 40 yard dash. Each team will also have 15 minutes to interview a player and ask him a series of questions.

“The CFL YouTube site has interviews with some of the players and teams [from past drafts],” explained Couture. “I actually went on and watched every interview that they’ve provided, and I’ve written down every question that they would ask a player [. . .] some of them are tricky, so I’ve written those down and on the car rides to and from school we’ll quiz each other on the questions, just so we get a feel for how we should answer them.”

The 2016 Trade Deadline lived up to its name this year: it was absolutely dead. With only 19 trades and 37 players moved, this was one of the quietest trade deadlines in recent memory. Don’t be mistaken — the week prior to the deadline was filled with moves that saw several teams evidently bulking up their rosters for a deep playoff run, and others rebuilding for the future. Let’s take a look at this year’s deadline winners and losers.

Winners In contention for another cup run, the Chicago Blackhawks made the biggest splash in the market prior to the Monday deadline, acquiring Andrew Ladd. Shockingly, after not having been offered a contract extension, the former captain of the Winnipeg Jets was quickly snatched up by the Blackhawks.

The Maple Ridge native is no stranger to the Windy City: Ladd was a former Blackhawk himself, winning the stanley cup with them in 2010.

Being first in the Atlantic Division wasn’t enough for the Florida Panthers General Manager, Dale Tallon. He went out and picked up a veteran forward in Jiri Hudler from Calgary, Teddy Purcell from the Edmonton, and Detroit defenceman Jakub Kindl. These

23

Couture has also had help from past SFU teammates who have gone through the combine process.

“There was a handful last year, and the year before that we had three guys invited to the national and we had two guys

invited to the Edmonton Regional, and both of those guys got invited to the National Combine,” he said. “So we had all of our five draft eligible player at the national. And I was very close with all five of those guys, and so any question I’ve had through

the process I’ve been texting them, phoning them, they just give me tips on how to take in the whole process.”

Couture and others hope to join SFU football alumni Lemar Durant and others in the league when the draft is held May 10.

additions reinforce their position as a serious threat in the Atlantic division.

his belt to a team that already has the potential of reaching the Cup Finals.

Losers This year’s losers were a couple teams who were unable to deal their big players who were on the trading block.

Those teams are the Tampa Bay Lightning and the Vancouver Canucks.

In a season where the playoffs are seemingly out of reach, the Vancouver Canucks were unable to flip the two expiring contracts on forward Radim Vrbata and defenceman Dan Hamhuis. They were hot commodities at this year’s deadline.

Therefore the Canucks pass

another season without acquiring any future assets to aid this young, developing team, making them big losers at the deadline.

The other notable loser at this year’s trade deadline is the Tampa Bay Lightning . GM Steve Yzerman couldn’t find a deal to move Jonathan Drouin, and so the youngster remains a member of the Lightning. All of this after he requested a trade six weeks ago, and has been sitting out of the Lightning lineup ever since. This makes the Lightning the biggest losers on the trade deadline.

Ultimately, the 2016 trade deadline will be remembered as a quiet one. It was a trade deadline in which the deals that never fell through made bigger headlines than the ones that did.

Another notable winner this trade deadline was the New York Rangers . Their acquisition of winger Eric Staal from the Hurricanes was one of the biggest trades the past week.

This trade not only unites Eric with his brother Marc, but also brings an experienced professional with a Stanley Cup under

24 DIVERSIONS / ETC

burgers, fries, shakes, craft beer Breakfast - Lunch - Dinner | Cornerstone 778-379-0091 | @Bigsmokeburgers

March 7, 2016

LAST WEEK’S SOLUTION

9: WEDNESDAY

11: FRIDAY

EVENT LISTINGS ARE FREE FOR SFU STUDENTS AND STUDENT ORGANIZATIONS. SEND THE DATE, TIME, LOCATION, NAME, AND A 15-WORD DESCRIPTION TO CLASSIFIEDS@THE-PEAK.CA

HUMOUR

humour editor email

March 7, 2016

Justin Stevens humour@the-peak.ca

25 SFU replies!

This is a column dedicated for questions for SFU directors to dispel fears regarding the new school government. Have an SFU question? Send it to copy@the-peak.ca!

Maintaining my grades has always been a struggle as a student at SFU. It’s not that I lack commitment to my English major and History minor, it’s that something hovers over me that provides me with great anxiety. It’s not mental illness, work, or family issues, but rather something much greater.

You see, what I really fear is the coming of Galactus.

Yes, that’s right: the great world destroyer of the cosmos, who eats up planets like Cookie Monster does a box of Chips

Ahoy! Just knowing Galactus is out there and could pounce upon the Earth at any moment absolutely terrifies me. I mean, the Fantastic Four can only stop him so many times — eventually he’s going to succeed at one point and just eat us up. Galactus consumed my thoughts to the point that anytime I saw anyone wearing a purple helmet, I started screaming.

I realized I needed help for my issues, but no psychiatrist was qualified in helping me resolve my issues with intergalactic world-eaters. There was only one known professional in the galaxy who might understand me. So I set out to contact an ex-employee of Galactus, Norrin Radd aka The Silver Surfer.

Mr. Radd told me that “fearing Galactus, much like the cosmos themselves, is meaningless.” After a long discussion in which he described to me a lot of random shit I didn’t

understand about the nature of the universe and some dude named Uatu who watches shit, I left feeling dissatisfied. Ultimately it seemed I was doomed to never feel any comfort whatsoever, and that I would have to resign myself to a lifetime of worrying about the destruction of the Earth.

That was until I saw an offer in the paper for a job serving as a translator for an intergalactic entity hoping to communicate with various planets. I figured it had been a while since my last job in telemarketing and that I enjoyed talking with people enough that I might as well apply. When I arrived at the office, I was teleported into space where, face-to-face, I finally met Galactus himself.

I screamed for a solid three minutes until Galactus yelled at me to be silent. He explained he wanted me as a herald for him to devour other worlds across the galaxy. In return for my

service, he would not destroy Earth, but he also demanded I make a great sacrifice.

Yes, dear reader: he demanded that I drop out of SFU. I told him that I couldn’t after spending so much money on my BA and investing so much time in school. At first, he scoffed at the notion until I told him what my fees were, which according to him were “cruel even in the eyes of a world eater.” His promise to pay for my tuition in return for part-time work helping him decimate civilizations across the galaxy was an offer I couldn’t refuse.

And that, dear reader, is how I learned to stop worrying and love Galactus. Sure, I’m now an accessory to the genocide of multiple alien races, but this bachelor’s degree wasn’t going to pay for itself. Now I must bid you farewell, as Galactus told me to quit this Peak crap because it was making me late for world consumption work.

[SURREY] – A group of students suffering from the common condition nofucksgivenitus hijacked the Fraser Library game room last Friday. The group of 20 extremely sleep-deprived students resembled a zombie herd, reported witness Guidi Gardio.

[BURNABY] – Makers of the popular confessions app Chitter held their first gathering for pre-fetuses, a term coined by the Chitter community to refer to those who have yet to become the adult age of 18. The event took place right outside the Highland Pub on Saturday. Participants had shots of chocolate milk and created their own makeshift identification cards by drawing on cardboard with crayon — all while Chitting about it, naturally.

“They also had terrible taste in video games,” Gardio told The Peak.

“They were playing the Ice Age 3 game on the Wii, Xbox, and PlayStation for a solid three hours.”

[VANCOUVER] – A couple heading to Brazil for a weekend getaway missed their flight as they mistook the study areas at the Vancouver campus for their boarding gate.

They had ‘checked in’ at the student services counter and sat comfortably in their seats for a good two hours. “I was loving how lax the airport security in Vancouver was,” marvelled Antonio Bandera, an elderly gentleman from Portland, Oregon. “Then I realized that stress-free travel is still a dream.”

To SFU, I’m concerned about my class with Dr. Olle. A geography course based entirely on digging is odd.

Is this standard? Also, where is Dr. Tran?

Also, and I’m not complaining about this, but I’m wondering if we’ll be able to leave the campus soon. The rations aren’t enough, and several students are worried about illness. . .

Best, Alice Rook Hi Alice, This isn’t the best place to talk about specific course or professor location problems. But I do want to calm your nerves — every class has taken on a mandatory digging segment, its intensity is being left up to the discretion of each professor. I assume that Michelle was just especially interested in digging, her being a geography professor and all.

Don’t worry about calling professors by their first names, by the way. We are all comrades under SFU, as was voted upon by the SFU Voting Committee last week. Just look to the flags: “Comrades engaged under SFU, we have got our digging to do!”

They’ve always been there.

Concerning your concerns concerning the rations, I assure you that more will come, come delivery day! Just last week, delivery day was a Tuesday; perhaps this Tuesday we will be just as lucky. Provided we aren’t cheated again by those UBC rascals.

Those cheats! This week, perhaps, the shipment will stop by an SFU campus first.

We’ll all be able to leave soon, comrade! Our families are waiting for us, and they love us dearly.

I miss my family as well, though I recognize the magnitude of our work. Who knows what glorious riches lie in the innermost depths of Burnaby mountain?

We do, Alice! And you will too, in due time, if you stay the course, and don’t question your course, of course! Look to Comrade Michelle, who goes above and beyond her digging pedagogy duty.

Look to the stars, SFU, and keep your shovel in the mountain!

Best, Victor Von Doom Director of Comrade Relations, President of Voting Committee

26 HUMOUR

March 7, 2016

Creator’s Pet (Destiny Hsu)

Peers (Leslie Lu)

(Reuben Newton)

HUMOUR

Like you, I have walked by the Trottier Observatory wondering tirelessly as to its “true” purpose on Burnaby mountain. While the mission statement upon the world wide web indicates this cosmic Peeping Tom stand is meant for stargazing, they didn’t fool me none. I could feel a resounding sense of eeriness from the start. And then it dawned on me one night when I was snacking on a bowl of Vicodins and sipping my peaches and cream bellini: aliens.

It had to exist because of aliens.

Even without proof or factual evidence to backup my thesis, I knew in my heart it had to be true.

So, I set out under the veil of night covered in all the soot in my fireplace, searching for the answers to the most elusive question

March 7, 2016

on campus. And what I discovered was nothing short of disturbing.

After breaking the lock off the door, I began to search the room in a fevered panic brought forth by a combination of highpower pharmaceuticals and an unnatural fear that security personnel would set forth a patrol dragon to devour me as a midnight snack. I knew that time was of the essence, and if I did not act quickly, my fellow students would never find the answers to the Trottier mystery.

Pushing all the buttons I could, I prayed for a miracle (or a hasty digestion, in case things did not go as planned). As luck would have it, though, the combination of buttons I pressed moved the telescope in such a manner to reveal a secret staircase, into which I promptly fell.

Dazed and very concussed, I crawled through the pitch

blackness of the hidden basement in search of a light source. It was then I made my discovery. There, shackled in the darkness, sat an imprisoned alien of reptilian descent, with skin of soft magenta and a protruding bright green belly. He introduced himself as Barney and insisted that, on his home planet, he was a sensation. He promised to love me if I freed him and tempted to let me join his great big family.

However, before I could do anything, an SFU security eagle whisked me away. I screamed to Barney that I would bring him back home to his people before suddenly blacking out from the headrush and abundant mixture of drugs.

My friends, I beseech you — there is a reptilian alien under the Trottier Observatory who needs saving. Join me in my quest to save this jolly creature from whatever torments SFU staff wish to inflict upon him, and you too may find his loving grace and favour.

You can follow me at my website www.notbatshitcrazy.com for more info.

27

28 LAST WORD

Features Editor email

Tamara Connor features@the-peak.ca

March 7, 2016