Where There's Smoke

SPORTS

first peek

I hate participation marks.

There, I said it. I hate them, and they don’t just waste my time; they waste everyone else’s, too. They’re quite possibly the most pointless marks you can get in a class. Yet as I’ve progressed through university, they’ve just become a bigger portion of your overall mark.

I’ve never felt that instructors should mark participation, because participation should be a natural part of an overall engaging course.

What is an engaging course, you ask? For me, it’s a course where the professor clearly enjoys the material that they are teaching, and lectures in a way that passes on some of that passion to their students. It’s course material that makes you think and synthesize what you’ve learned.

It involves discussions that happen organically if these preceding conditions are met.

I’ve never liked being forced to go to class, even in high school — where I probably skipped more days than I attended. I tended to avoid classes where the material or teacher wasn’t engaging, or if they covered things that I could more efficiently teach myself.

There were only two classes that I went to regularly: art and history.

In both of these instances, the content was interesting and the

teachers were amazing. Thank you, Mr. Lindell and Mrs. Johnson, for keeping me interested enough to keep coming to your classes.

Then I hit first year of university, where there was really no way to keep track of attendance or participation in lecture halls of 300-plus students, so I finally felt free to learn the way I so desperately wanted to. And I did.

My first year was filled with days where I just read the textbook and attended a minimal number of lectures. I successfully taught myself first-year chemistry and geography, among other things. But then I advanced beyond first-year courses and transferred schools.

Reaching SFU was a shock to my system. Even larger lectures forced me to participate — thanks to the godforsaken iClicker — and there seemed to be some sort of hand-holding mentality that permeated through all aspects of learning.

3

While I see the allure of professors who care about you and how you’re doing in class, I find the forced participation and the attached marks smothering. It feels less like I’m actively learning, and more like I’m having to check certain boxes to reach a desired outcome, which strikes me more as passive learning.

As my mom put it, “It’s like group work in elementary school.

There is always the one smart kid who ends up carrying the group and then everyone else benefits.

But still, there is really only one person actually learning.”

I also don’t get people who try to counter my hatred of participation marks with, “But you paid for the class. Shouldn’t you go to get your money's worth?”

No. I’m paying for the credits whether or not I attend, and the professor gets paid whether or not I’m there. If they want me to attend their class, they should focus on being a better lecturer or teacher, instead of just forcing people to come by having a significant portion of marks tied up in their presence.

Next time you hear me complaining about participation marks, it’s not just that I have to go to class whether I want to or not. It’s that, if professors actually cared about making a lasting impression on students, they’d do it through placing importance on actual learning, instead of on being able to sit in a room for four hours talking about nothing.

4 News

Ashley Fraser / Print News Editor

news@the-peak.ca

The Simon Fraser University Advocacy for Men and Boys club is asking the Simon Fraser Student Society for $1,000 to conduct a research survey, with the end goal to determine if SFU needs a dedicated men’s centre. The survey would also gauge SFU students’ satisfaction with services that help with physical and mental health. The survey would go on for the rest of the semester, with the data being formatted next semester.

SFSS, SFU’s chief safety and risk officer weigh in on potential safety risk if Kinder Morgan pipeline expansion is approved

“We celebrated our 50th anniversary last year, of SFU, and I feel that if this expansion goes ahead, SFU’s not going to be around, or at least it won’t be the same place, when they go to celebrate their 100th year anniversary.”

These are the words of Grayson Barke, council representative for the Environmental Resource Student Union and Burnaby Mountain resident, who expressed his concern over the Kinder Morgan Trans Mountain expansion project. He was explaining the potential expansion of the tank farm on Burnaby Mountain if the project is approved, and the dangers it could pose to SFU and the safety of students, staff, and faculty.

The Kinder Morgan expansion approval process has been an ongoing controversy throughout Burnaby and the province. A decision as to its approval will be made on or before December 19.

The Peak spoke with Barke, who explained that “The bottom line is that there is a petrochemical storage facility next to the campus,” and if the expansion is to take place, “it means some of the storage tanks are going to be closer to the campus and closer to the access roads.

“One of the most comprehensive reports has said that the risk of something terrible happening will go from one in one million to

one in 2,000 after this expansion is done.”

Barke’s research consults a report prepared on behalf of the City of Burnaby by Dr. Ivan Vince, an expert on tank farm-related hazards. Barke stressed, from this report, “that in [Dr. Vince’s] expert opinion, this project would not be approved in the UK or in the EU because it does not meet their safety standard, we have different standards in Canada obviously, but maybe they are not where they need to be.”

Barke approached the Simon Fraser Student Society (SFSS) on September 30 at their Annual General Meeting asking for the support of the SFSS in highlighting the potential

safety risk that Simon Fraser University’s Burnaby campus will be exposed to if the expansion is approved.

He then presented a formal presentation at the SFSS Board Meeting on October 7, showcasing the extensive research that expresses the increased risk posed to Simon Fraser University and Burnaby Mountain residents following the double capacity of the tank farm located on the south slope of Burnaby Mountain.

“My goal is to number one, make sure everyone is informed. Number two, collectively decide on a course of action to prevent these risks from occurring, or at least be involved at every step of the way to ensure that student safety needs are met.”

Barke presented this information to the SFSS because he believes that more students should be aware of the tank farm and its connection to the Kinder Morgan Trans Mountain expansion.

Christine Dyson, VP external for the SFSS, said that they were concerned with the safety risks the project poses. She said that the SFSS could potentially end up hosting an event to help raise awareness of what is going on.

“In terms of making sure that students know about the risk, I would agree that students should know,” she said. “At this point in time, I have been talking with

Grayson and I am going to follow up with him, but one of the things we are talking about is having a forum for students to come voice their concerns about the risks.”

Since the news was brought to the SFSS so recently, there are no set plans on when or where this forum could take place, but it is something they are looking into.

Dyson, who was the environment representative on the Board of Directors last year, said that she believes the project will pass.

“Personally, I have my doubts that it wouldn’t pass. I think it will pass. Trudeau did make it a mandate when he ran that this would be something that wouldn’t happen and they would look into it, and I think having the consultation process this summer was a step in the right direction. I would be really excited if that did have an impact and the project wouldn’t go through,” she said.

“But at the same point in time, with how the current government has been functioning and the fact that the [National Energy Board] did approve it, it has me a little bit hesitant that it will be stopped.”

The Peak reached out to chief safety and risk officer Mark LaLonde for comment. He said that, “SFU’s position remains that we view [this] as unacceptable, any expansion that would result in an increased risk to the health and safety of the SFU community.”

For Barke, the risk is too great if the project is approved. “I am going to be leaving Simon Fraser University,” he said. “I am going to be moving away and I am going to be staying away from North Burnaby.”

SFU’s Food and Beverage Services is looking for ways to start being a forprofit service, with a presentation from FBS general manager John Flipse suggesting things like turning part of the Highland Pub into a food primary location. Amidst the various suggestions, Flipse made it clear that prices of food and drink were likely to go up.

The Highland Pub is around $60,000 behind where management was expecting to be right now, because they weren’t able to completely open for September. Many students may have noticed that the kitchen closed early in the first few weeks of the semester. This is because there were not enough available cooks for the pub. Flipse mentioned that there were a number of staff who did not return after the Highland Pub closed for the summer.

News

October 17, 2016

5

The Fifth Annual Vancouver Polish Film Festival begins on October 21 at the Djavad Mowafaghian World Art Centre, showcasing various productions from the Polish film industry. The three-day event will screen 10 Polish films that cover topics from crime to relationships, music, and family drama. Admission for a threeday pass is $50, or $12 per viewing. Students can also receive a 50 percent discount on general admission tickets. For more details and screening times, visit SFU Woodward’s website.

SFU Venture Connection hosts Rising Tides: Emerging Talent and Trends in Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math at SFU Surrey room 3310, October 18 at 5 p.m. This event will showcase some of SFU’s entrepreneurs as they discuss the future of STEM (science, technology, engineering, and mathematics). This event is also the launch of the STEM Spotlight Awards, and will feature a representative from the UK STEM Awards to discuss the program.

SFU’s Institute for the Humanities supports Congo Week at Grandview Calvary Baptist Church with Breaking the Silence: 20 Years After Invasion and War in the Congo.

The event welcomes Maurice Carney, co-founder of Friends of the Congo, as he discusses the challenges that the Democratic Republic of the Congo has faced following its invasion by Uganda and Rwanda 20 years ago.

This event will take place on October 18 at 6:30 p.m.

An interview with Adam Baker, the PhD student who translates neuroscience into graphic artwork

As a PhD student in neuroscience, Adam Baker has to deal with explaining his research to others all the time. Baker is hoping to make his work more digestible for the general public: he aims to build a bridge between the hard sciences and the population. Using graphic artwork, Baker is able to creatively present his discoveries on the human brain.

Baker explained how, one day at a family dinner, he tried to explain to his family and friends what he was working on: the increasing cognitive engagement of bias-related memories.

They told him that he sounded like Charlie Brown’s teacher — impossible to understand. As a response to that, he decided to draw a picture on a napkin to explain what he meant.

“All of a sudden, the others got my point!” Baker said.

This brought him to the idea of actually visualizing his research, since people tend to respond well to visualizations (as his family dinner and scientific evidence have proven).

Since he is not much of an artist himself, he decided to contact an art student at SFU, Saida Saetgareeva, and ask if she could help him design a graphic illustration that captured all the elements of a specific research paper. “I enjoy working with Adam,” Saetgareeva said. “He gives me creative freedom.” They are now working together on translating all of Baker’s projects into a single graphic illustration.

“This way, someone can look at the illustration and see a ‘research story’ that can make someone

actually understand what the research is about, without having to read through endless jargon and statistics,” Baker said.

Baker hopes that his efforts to translate complex technical research into simple language for the general audience will not only get more people to understand it, but also help encourage partnerships within and outside of academia to foster interdisciplinary collaboration.

He pointed out that it is important for him to build a bridge between neuroscience and people through art. “Looking at the

amazing research done at SFU in psychology and neuroscience, I see many opportunities for researchers to spread the word on their work to the general public through art,” he said.

Baker stressed that this vision is not just limited to the scientific community. Translating research into art allows scientists and researchers to express more of their artistic creativity in different ways, which may not always get noticed in their scientific work.

For his future projects, Baker hopes that by using art to express his research, he will be able to spread the word on important research: “I do not believe science should ever be in the dark, and art allows us to bring science further into the light of the general population.”

6 News

Ashley Fraser / Print News Editor

news@the-peak.ca

“We definitely could have communicated better,” says VP university relations

A mix-up at the end of the last Simon Fraser Student Society (SFSS) meeting highlighted the board’s alleged transparency issues.

At the end of the October 14 meeting, the board adjourned, implying that all business for the day had wrapped up. However, the board stayed in Forum Chambers, and told The Peak that there was a closed portion of the meeting.

This turned out to be a new strategy that the SFSS is trying to implement with a meeting that consists of both an open and closed agenda, though this was not originally made clear to attendees. The inspiration comes from the SFU Senate, which also uses open and closed agendas as part of its meetings.

“We keep getting told that we’re not very transparent, we’re having too many in-camera meetings. Sometimes people ask what are going to be the topics of discussion for in-camera. So the idea is to have a regular board meeting with a regular agenda and all the attachments as one and then a closed meeting or incamera, with all the attachments

and the agenda that would be visible to the public, unless it is a redacted document,” said Arr Farah, VP university relations for the SFSS.

On October 11, The Peak reported that the SFSS had held an extended in-camera portion at their board meeting, moving from the original meeting space in MBC 2294 to the Build SFU think tank. Farah said that at the end of the three-hour limit to meetings specified by the society’s bylaws, the board still had information to discuss, including in-camera work.

This may have been an inspiration for the change, as Farah noted that he and other board members had struggled with

balancing the public and private sections of their meetings.

“Best practice — we didn’t do it today — would be to hand [all agendas] out at the beginning of the meeting,” he noted. “I think the way it probably sounded when [interim president Larissa Chen] explained it was that we called a separate meeting so that we just could go in-camera, which is absolutely not the case.”

On when the board made the decision to adopt the new model, Farah said, “I guess it was kind of made last week.”

Farah said that the old system wasn’t working, and brought forward the open/closed agenda proposition.

“We definitely could have communicated better, but we didn’t get the opportunity,” he said. Further clarifying on the process of including guests at board meetings, he added, “We’re not always conscious of that. And I guess we should be, but we’re really not.”

Now that the open and closed agendas are going to be part of the meetings going forward, the board hopes this will improve its transparency issues.

The Nobel Prize laureates for the year have been announced and Colombian President Juan Manuel Santos is the recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize of 2016. President Santos was awarded for his work to end domestic conflicts within Colombia that have protracted for over 50 years. The conflict was between the Marxist group Revolutionary Armed

Force of Colombia, and other paramilitary groups. The war led to displacement and death. The militia signed a peace agreement with Santos. Many speculate that this prize was a political tactic in order to support continued peace operations within Colombia.

Tragedy has returned to Haiti in the form of a natural disaster with Hurricane Matthew, killing scores and reportedly destroying 90 percent of property and crops in some areas.

The hurricane has affected Cuba, Haiti, and the Dominican Republic.

The United Nations has appealed for international aid of $120 million as 1.4 million Haitians are at extreme risk. The people of Haiti are

also vulnerable to cholera, which will reportedly affect mass populations, aggravated by the storm.

Basic amenities such as water and medicine have not been able to reach areas on the coasts, calling for more help from the international community.

The second debate between the two presidential nominees has affected Trump’s campaign far more adversely than expected.

The speaker of the House of Representatives, Paul Ryan, has reportedly said that “he will not defend Trump or campaign with him for the next 30 days.” Ryan’s decision comes right after Trump found himself in controversy

surrounding his potentially derogatory comments towards women. Ryan reasoned that he would be spending the rest of the presidential running ensuring that his party’s majority is retained. It is reported that Ryan also asked the party members to act in the best interest of their own districts.

With files from Al Jazeera

With files from ABC News and Al Jazeera

With files from Al Jazeera

ADVERTISEMENT

Opinions

There’s no shortage of historical examples of people behaving irrationally and cruelly — shall we say, monstrously — when they feel that behaviour will get them attention. In fact, monsters are precisely what are spawning at playgrounds across the world in the form of killer clowns.

No, it isn’t just Halloween arriving early. Reports of “killer clown” sightings have become frequent across North America and Europe, involving people dressed up as terrifying clowns loitering in quiet neighbourhoods to scare innocent community members. Citizens and police alike have judged these clowns as a threat which communities must respond to urgently and vigorously. Law enforcement has gone as far as shutting

down schools and arresting threatening clowns in otherwise peaceful neighbourhoods.

But there’s no need to worry ourselves so much: these killer clowns, existing solely for the purpose of scaring children, aren’t some psychopathic form of necromancy. They’re just an ordinary problem created by ordinary people — people, perhaps, who lack fulfilment in their lives and seek entertainment by inciting terror.

To determine what these people hope to accomplish by dressing up as killer clowns, we need look no further than the digital society we spend far too many of our waking hours on: the Internet is where the killer clown was born.

In 2013, a young filmmaker dressed up as a killer clown as a social experiment and posted pictures of his guise on Facebook, perhaps in bad taste. From this first instance, photos of killer clowns spread to the corners of the Internet, where

Zach Siddiqui / Opinions Editor

opinions@the-peak.ca

there’s no shortage of irrational, cruel monsters ready to take advantage of the new idea.

These sorts of people are bestdescribed as trolls. They make comments that can defile even the most innocent and beautiful things on the ‘net, and get away with saying insulting and rude things with no consequence. What trolls have in common with their monstrous cousins, killer clowns, is anonymity.

No one can see the true identity of an Internet troll, just as no one can see the face of the person behind the clown mask. Perhaps it’s this very anonymity that some people find so terrifying about clowns, just as they fear the dark and the unknown.

The increasing frequency of killer clown sightings suggests that the behaviour of these clowns is largely determined, and even unintentionally encouraged, by media. People who have researched this phenomenon have determined that sightings of

these clowns come in waves: society experiences a flurry of killer clowns every few years.

This suggests that newly spawned clowns are just copying the offensive behaviour that they’ve heard about in the news or on social media.

When clown sightings increase in frequency, they receive more coverage, which lets them reach a wider audience, including potential troublemakers.

This results in a positive feedback loop that causes the

phenomenon to spread around the world. One community even saw killer clowns used as an advertising ploy — evidence of the clowns’ success at generating attention.

By fearing the clown, we’re only feeding the troll. We would do better to ignore this over-publicized phenomenon, stop giving it the front page, and leave no incentive for the attention-seeking killer clowns to hide behind their masks while feeding on the fear of children.

ADVERTISEMENT

SAVE MONEY WITH THE STUDENTCARE NETWORKS Visit a Network professional to save more money on services like: Dental Physiotherapy New! Pharmacy

Vision Chiropractic

7

Psychology Massage Therapy

For coverage details & a list of Network partners, visit studentcare.ca.

8 Opinions

Zach Siddiqui / Opinions Editor

opinions@the-peak.ca

RESPECTING SIZE

Jon Gerrard, a Liberal MLA of Manitoba, recently introduced a private member’s bill aiming to “forbid discrimination based on a person’s ‘physical size and weight,’” according to The Huffington Post. But Gerrard doesn’t want to stop there.

He wants Manitoba to pioneer an effort to get obesity covered under the Human Rights Codes of all Canadian provinces.

When we talk about human rights in our country, we’re thinking of freedom, access to food, education, and clean drinking water. Then there’s the laundry list of attributes that nobody should use to discriminate against others, such as race, religion, sexual orientation, and the like.

Essentially, we frame laws with the notion that while you can’t be faulted for being who you are, what you’ve become through the decisions you’ve made is fair game.

In other words, some might argue that while you have no control over the race or gender you are born with, obesity happens because of your choices. Should our laws really protect size and weight the same way they protect other traits?

While choice certainly plays a role in some cases, research partially ties obesity to genetics, as well as to

As one of Canada’s most prominent universities, you might expect that Simon Fraser University would strive towards a standard of diversity and acceptance that matches the reputation it puts forward in every sphere of student life. Saying that, it is time for our school to look into picking a new name for its sports teams.

It’s not Washington’s football team, but the Clan, the moniker for the 17 varsity teams at SFU, is named after the ancestors of Simon Fraser, the explorer of Scottish descent who is the namesake of our university. It makes sense at first glance, seeing as we base a lot of school symbolism — like our crest, our motto, and our tartan

medical conditions like thyroid disorders. Some actually have a higher propensity to put on weight later in life, beyond their control. This is reason enough to put it in the Human Rights Code.

The sheer number of people who are stigmatized for their weight makes doing so only practical. According to the Obesity in Canada report of 2016, roughly 25 percent of Canadians are obese and around 36 percent are overweight. Senators Art Eggleton and Kelvin Ogilvie, members of the committee that produced that report, stated in a special to The Globe and Mail that approximately two-thirds of adults and a third of the children in this country fall somewhere in that spectrum of obese to overweight.

These figures suggest that size-based prejudice just might affect more people than prejudice against anything else on the Human Rights Code does.

I concede that no legal action or symbolic act is likely to completely eradicate the name-calling, physical abuse, social exclusion, and the like that can come with one’s size.

Tackling this requires the same earnestness and commitment from all stakeholders that fighting other

social injustices does. But law can help fight the intolerance present in spheres of life such as employment, housing, or public institutions — spheres where cases of discrimination are numerous.

For instance, in 2010, a Quebec Human Rights Commission ruled in favour of a woman who alleged discrimination because she was denied a disabled parking spot by her condominium. More recently, Gerrard himself referred to cases of people “who should have had screening tests but didn't, who

should have had immunizations but didn't, who didn't get the kind of care they should have got," reportedly due to their weight.

Several human rights commission rulings have sided with plaintiffs, due to those individuals’ obesity being considered a disability. While that might seem good enough, adding it to the Human Rights Code by itself (as opposed to a being a subsection of disability) might give current and future cases more legal gravitas.

Legally, obesity isn’t concretely classified under disability, which

lengthens the process of seeking justice. Including obesity in the Human Rights Code would remove ambiguity as to who falls under it and what constitutes discrimination, while making judicial recourse quicker for victims.

Obesity exists worldwide, and policymakers need to take bold steps to help, but we must protect those struggling with it while we look for a solution. Their rights and their personalities aren’t defined by the tape measure or the weight scale, nor should they be.

— on the Frasers of Lovat, Simon Fraser’s Clan.

We even got special permission to use the name from the Lord Lovat from 1965, who attended the school’s opening and gave his blessing for SFU to adopt the imagery of Frasers of Lovat into our school’s spirit.

While the Clan comes from Scottish tradition, so do some of the more infamous actions of the Ku Klux Klan (KKK). For example, cross-burning and the racist associations of lighting crosses on the yards of African American people’s houses in the USA actually began as an old Scottish act used for a declaration of war. It was used in the War of 1812, to call members

of Scottish clans to defend their territory.

While this act is primarily associated with the KKK, it is worth noting that the roots of the notorious hate group are Scottish. The details of this are explored in depth in the novel The Clansman. In fact, the group was once known as the Kuklux Clan, combining the Greek kyklos (meaning circle) with a clan.

On top of its dubious historical connections, we should recognize the effect that even the word “clan” can have on our southern neighbours. With SFU primarily playing in the USA as the sole Canadian team in the National Collegiate Athletic Association, changing the name to something with less questionable connotations would also be a sign of respect to those whose lives and heritage have been dramatically affected by the Klan.

The team wasn’t always named the Clan. They were originally named the Clansmen, but that name was changed long before any of the current students at SFU first got here.

There isn’t a lot of information online, which leads me to speculate that it might be because of the implications of the word "Clansmen", or the fact that women’s varsity teams deserved more respect.

With all due respect to “tradition” and “history,” this wouldn’t be the first school I’ve attended which has changed its team name; I know firsthand that it can be done. My high school's teams, Western Canada High School in Calgary, were called the Redmen when I was a student there, and had been since the 1940s.

In 2014, the team changed its name to the Redhawks, with thenprincipal Kim Hackman saying that the name was changed to be more inclusive.

While universities and high schools don’t have the same culture surrounding them and they don’t exist on exactly the same plane, I feel as though this sets an example of how to acknowledge a name that is past its prime.

Members of the name-changing committee said they acknowledged the name wasn’t always seen as controversial. Then-student Mihnea Nitu told the Calgary Herald that, “It kind of became derogatory over time, which is why I’m OK with why we had to change the name and the reasons that we did.”

That’s the point we’re at with the Clan. It wasn’t always the wrong name, but it’s time that SFU moved on from a word that now carries such negative, emotional weight.

For what it’s worth, I’d suggest the Highlanders.

Opinions

In case you missed it, Demi Lovato recently made tabloid headlines for her comments regarding a piece of fan art by self-taught Romanian artist Vladimir Serbanescu. The drawing in question depicts Lovato in a pose similar to the one she sports on her “Body Say” cover art, only this time reimagined as a mermaid.

Serbanescu took some liberties in the proportions of Lovato’s body — most notably, making the bosom larger.

After seeing the picture as it spread through social media, Lovato commented: “Is that how my boobs should look? It’s gorgeous, but that’s not my body.”

Lovato fans immediately started calling Serbanescu and his fans (who jumped to the artist’s defence after Lovato’s comments) out for bodyshaming Lovato, who has had previous issues with eating disorders.

The artist defended his portrayal by saying to Seventeen magazine, “I enlarged her breast just because I wanted her to lay on it and the posture of the body wasn’t allowing it, therefore the only solution was making them bigger.”

Now, I don’t really care about either Serbanescu or Lovato, at least not any more than I do about any other human who I’ve never known personally. (This level of care basically amounts to “Please have a good life and don’t fuck up anyone else’s in the process.”) But this is a conversation of art, creative licence, celebrity status, and what should and should not be allowed.

Both Serbanescu and Lovato make valid points. Serbanescu’s is that he created a piece of art in order to fit his artistic conception — which

9

October 17, 2016

as an artist is fair, and even expected of him. Lovato meanwhile points out that it is her body, and the perceived slight of Serbanescu’s breast enlargement certainly doesn’t help the public’s perception of the female anatomy.

I get her point. But Serbanescu recreates celebrities as mythological creatures and spirits. It seems naïve to expect that, in this realm of mythology, the creatures would adhere to human ratios and standards — they aren’t human.

I’m not saying that this artist is Picasso, but in general, we hail Picasso for reimagining the distribution of bodily elements. I doubt the famed painter actually thought that our noses should be on our foreheads or that our eyes could just go wherever.

As a public figure, the unfortunate reality is that Lovato’s image is not her own. She cannot cultivate which artworks of her get shared with the world. Celebrities become part of the public realm in that sense, regardless of whether or not that should be the case.

Serbanescu tried to show his appreciation of Lovato by blending her image with that of a mermaid, another image which he enjoys. I don’t think he should be penalized or ostracized because of his creative choices. I think he did the best he could under the circumstances.

He saw that although she said the drawing was “gorgeous,” she was less than thrilled with how she was portrayed. He responded by saying that he never meant for his art to be taken as some kind of guide for what he thinks female bodies should look like.

Our Western culture’s perception of the female body and our idolization

of a certain body type are deeply problematic, and they can lead to eating disorders, poisonous body image, and extreme social pressure to conform. That’s not in contestation, and I don’t wish any of that on someone.

But it seems to me that Lovato may have taken this fan art misstep a bit too far.

You’re sweaty, you’re tired, and somehow you’ve had to pee three times already — but still, nothing beats seeing a band or artist you love. There’s the rush of knowing that the person up there is actually them. You’re sharing the same oxygen that they are. Your partner is holding your hand.

All your best friends are there.

Then the music starts to fill the room and you’re transported: you forget that your feet are sore and that you dropped 60 bucks on a ticket, and you focus on just being there and appreciating another human being’s pure talent and expression. You sing along and feel yourself drift away. It rules.

No matter how much fun you’re having at a concert, your fellow attendees will stop at nothing to keep you from having a perfect experience.

There’s the girl who can’t stop checking their phone, either not realizing or not caring that the light from their screen is illuminating the room; the guy who takes shitty photos with the flash on, or

records a video he will literally never watch again; the bros who shout out the songs they like as though the performer is a fucking jukebox; and the sweaty, farty, weedstinking dude who’s two feet taller than you and moves his head every time you try and look past him.

Concerts may be heaven, but hell is other people.

ADVERTISEMENT

2016 Crisis Centre Life Lottery Does the Fall Semester have you dreaming of a vacation?

Win a return trip for two people to any scheduled WestJet destination plus a $500 VIA Rail travel voucher!

Where wil United l you go?

Kingdo m Carrib b United ean Stat Canad es a

6 different prizes available valued at $8,916!

Tickets Available: September 1 to December 28, 2016 Ticket Cost: $10 each or 3 for $25. Only 7,000 tickets available!

How to Purchase: 1. Purchase online at www.crisiscentre.bc.ca/lifelottery 2. Call the Crisis Centre Business Office at 604.872.1811 View all prizes, rules and regulations at www.crisiscentre.bc.ca/lifelottery Ticket Sales Cut-Off: December 28 at 11:59pm. Ticket purchasers must be 19 years of age or older and reside in British Columbia.

Blackout dates apply.

Grand prize generously donated by WestJet and VIA Rail.

Chances are 1 in 7,000 (total tickets for sale) to win a grand prize.

Problem Gambling Help Line 1-888-795-6111 www.bcresponsiblegambling.ca

Life Lottery

BC Gaming Event Licence #87036.

Know your limit, play within it.

19+

Stories from last nig The Nightmare Before the Hangover

Princess pukey pants

Attention on the dance floor

ht Not a mellow jello fellow

Friends who drink together stay together

Romeo and Hurl-iet

12 Arts

Jessica Whitesel / Arts Editor

arts@the-peak.ca

You might know her as the voice behind Orange is the New Black’s opening theme. I know her as my mom’s favourite singer-songwriter. Four years after What We Saw from the Cheap Seats, Regina Spektor has yet again cultivated an elegant and insightful gem.

While Spektor continues to rely on piano as her main instrument in her sixth studio album, she experiments with synth and peculiar percussive sounds. Fans of Spektor’s will continue to enjoy her signature quirky melodies and clear voice while getting to experience a new depth of sound.

The album artwork is representative of its theme: Spektor gazing back at the words and lives of old souls. Throughout the album a cinematic chorus of strings contribute to this nostalgic feeling. This album is the perfect soundtrack to the moment you look back and smile after a

The new Green Day album sounds like an old Green Day album. And that’s not a bad thing.

The band still has a knack for taking intelligent political commentary and making it palatable, pairing their thoughts with driving beats and urgent melodies. And Billie Joe Armstrong’s distinctive voice gives them away every time; it’s immediately obvious who you’re listening to.

This album is a good mix of fast-paced rock anthems and slightly more laid-back rock ballads. The title of the first single, “Bang Bang” — a commentary on the senseless violence of war — could be referring to gunfire or to the head-banging beat that makes you want to turn it up and jump around your house screaming the lyrics like you did in high school.

Less high-concept rock opera, more political punk rock brilliance, and a classic Green Day sound make this album as strong or stronger than any of their previous work. – TP

Idina Menzel’s vocal range has not suffered throughout her absolutely stellar career. The vocals on idina are big, sweeping, and you can tell — even if you somehow haven’t heard of Menzel — that she comes from Broadway.

While the album is somewhat of a mixed bag, featuring ballads (“I See You” and “Everybody Knows”), electronic beats (“Like Lightning”), upbeat danceable tempos (“Queen of Swords”), and even a slight country lilt (“Small World”), it all works together to create an album that has a strong sense of musicality.

This album oozes talent — not only Menzel’s but also the production team’s — making it an album that is pleasant to listen to at any time. – CM

When How to Dress Well, the stage name of Tom Krell, arrives in Vancouver for a show at the Biltmore Cabaret, he'll find friends, family, and a city ready for a party for his last show of his North America tour promoting his new release, Care.

He spoke with The Peak before his show in Dallas about what makes his show worth going to, what German philosophy and nihilism have to do with his sound, and what music is all about for this American singer-songwriter.

Though he specializes in an ambient and experimental sound, with a sprinkling of pop, Krell’s voice sounds raspy and almost rocker-like while performing live. “The show is really, really unique insofar as it’s extremely beautiful moments paired with really energetic and fun, loud and dance-y moments. I don’t think there’s anything else like it on the road right now. It feels special.”

For Krell, how the music feels is everything.

“It’s fun to do the live show because some songs just feel amazing, just the way the vocal melody sits in my body, or the way the guitar sounds or the drums rock.

“It’s such a naïve, bodily, very free and playful thing — the music writing — whereas as an act, philosophy is a discipline. It’s a totally different kind of game.”

On whether his doctoral pursuit influences his music, the simple answer is no. “I mean, obviously, there’s a common thread between music and the philosophy studies, and that’s me. But they’re extremely different kinds of acts. Like, I also play a lot of basketball, but that doesn’t really affect my sound either. It does give me a lot of bodily pleasure to do that, and so does singing, so there is some common ground, but not really.”

As for how he juggles his philosophical pursuits with his life as a

musician? “The study is just like, it’s not a career or anything. It’s just something I’m doing for leisure.”

Despite Care having only come out last month, Krell’s already thinking to the future. “I’m always writing. I’ve done a few songs in the last few months that I’m extremely excited about [. . .] I’m always just following these songs around, thinking of what feels really good, and always writing.”

How to Dress Well also likes to switch things up on stage, to play with the setlist and make each experience something special. “Lately, I feel like ‘The Ruins’ and ‘Made a Lifetime’ — we did them back-to-back last night (in New Orleans) and it felt so fucking sick.”

Krell will be here to play as much music as he can. “Sometimes, when you’re up there [on stagew to ] you’re like, ‘Can we just do every song? Can we just stay out here forever?’ And then the venue’s like, we have to close. We need to clean up.”

How to Dress Well will be at the Biltmore Cabaret on October 20. Tickets are available on Timbre Concerts’ website.

Arts

October 17, 2016

“The books that the world calls immoral are books that show the world its own shame.”

Oscar Wilde’s quote is perfect for capturing the spirit of Banned Books Week. Occurring annually from September 25–October 1, it’s about celebrating the freedom to read. It is an important event that highlights the role literature has in challenging our society. Here are five books that stand out from dozens of banned titles to get you ready for next year’s event.

1984 by George Orwell Banning a book about surveillance and oppressive state organizations seems more than a tad ironic. The American Library Association (ALA) notes it’s one of the most challenged and banned books of all time.

Orwell’s novel highlights issues like surveillance, privacy, and free will. It was banned and burned by Joseph Stalin for its negative portrayal of communism. During the Cold War, many American schools also banned the novel.

Though 1984 was written in the mid-1940s, it still remains incredibly relevant today.

The Lorax by Dr. Seuss Even children’s books can be scrutinized.

Dr Seuss’ The Lorax aims to teach children about environmentalism and conservation using the fictional and fuzzy creature, who “speaks for the trees.”

This simple message of sustainability quickly became controversial in the small logging town of Laytonville, CA, due to concerns that children were being “brainwashed” by the book. The conflict escalated and became known both nationally and internationally, creating a large conversation around issues of environmentalism, as well as academic freedom.

Bao Bei is a modern Chinese restaurant on the outskirts of Chinatown, an accessible 10-minute walk from Main Street Skytrain Station. It’s critically acclaimed, but might make you bitter.

Let me start by saying it is not student-budget friendly, but if you bring a couple friends to share dishes with, it is wellworth a visit. It is a unique restaurant, as stated on its website — whether it be for the positives or the negatives.

The signage and exterior are a blatant symbolic representation

Habibi by Craig Thompson Not even the graphic novel is safe from criticism.

Thompson took seven years to create this novel about child slavery and young sexuality. Appearing at the eighth spot on the ALA’s 2015 most-challenged book list, Habibi has been challenged for its nudity, sexual explicitness, and unsuitable content for its young audience.

Thompson’s work has also been examined for its Islamic content, and some say that it does a disservice to Muslim culture, particularly Muslim men.

The Satanic Verses by Salman Rushdie The Satanic Verses is a novel from 1988 that explores themes of faith, identity, and the immigrant experience.

The novel was incredibly controversial among Muslims, with many saying that it was blasphemous toward their faith. This resulted in Rushdie receiving death threats, and also caused riots. Due to tension the novel caused, several countries banned the novel, and many US bookstores stopped selling the book.

Rushdie lived in hiding for over a decade because of this novel.

Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury Fahrenheit 451 is about burning books.

Bradbury imagines a future in which books are systematically burned, leaving a population that is apathetic and lacking critical thought.

Bradbury’s novel has been challenged several times by schools in the U.S. for indecent language, and resulted in expurgated copies being printed for high schools. Bradbury claims that his novel is about censorship, but is also about his fear of an illiterate society.

of Chinatown, but the moment you walk in, the ambience is startlingly Gastown. What made me uncomfortable about this isn’t the clean-cut, hipster, Western ambience when you walk in, but that they try so desperately to facilitate the exotic and oriental elements of Chinese cuisine.

It’s very strange and slightly offensive.

The bartenders clearly know what they are doing. Trust me, you want one of their signature cocktails. All the juices they use in their cocktails are freshly

I will confess, my love of beer only just began over the summer. Since that first blush with a floral ale, I’ve delighted in sampling lagers, stouts, and wits. Now, a new season welcomes a new array of brews. Here are some of my favourite autumn bevs, to keep warm on chilly October nights.

Storm Brewing – Vanilla whiskey stout.

I actually tried this beer over the summer, but it seems best-suited to fall and winter.

It’s spicy and dark, and the whiskey undertones keep the vanilla from becoming saccharine sweet. If, like me, you’re not a fan of hop-heavy beer, this might be a good intro to the dark side.

Phillips Beer – "Crooked Tooth." Of course there’s at least one pumpkin beer on this list. This ale is light and a little spicy, but not heavy on the nutmeg and cinnamon. Phillips generally makes solid brews, so if you like this one be sure to check out the “Toothless” and “Crookeder Tooth” versions.

squeezed, and it makes all the difference. The harty paloma was absolutely beautiful — a delicate balance between sweet and tart.

They also have a finely curated wine list, with descriptions that are actually helpful in choosing the right wine to enhance your dining experience.

The quality of the ingredients Bao Bei uses are something they pride themselves on. All of their animal products are ethically

13

Steamworks – Pumpkin ale. In case the last pumpkin ale wasn’t enough, here’s another gourd-geous option. This one struck me as a wee bit softer and warmer than the Phillips Beer version, but both are very drinkable. Neither is too heavy, so you can drink either one — or both — all night without feeling like you’re stowing an actual pumpkin in your belly.

Postmark — "Oktoberfest." I’m a sucker for floral beer, and for beautiful packaging. Postmark’s “Oktoberfest” has both going for it. This one isn’t spicy or pumpkin-infused, but it’s a light lager that goes down easily. If you’re looking for a darker option, Postmark’s stout was the 2016 Gold Medal Winner of the Canadian Brewery Awards, and it also has a highly Instagrammable label. You know, if that matters to you too.

Raven – Cream ale. I’m not always a fan of chocolate beer. It never really tastes like chocolate, which is more of a betrayal than my tastebuds can bear. The worst chocolate beer that I ever had tasted like fancy hand soap. This beer — a cream ale with notes of chocolate — is the perfect take. It’s not trying to be a chocolate bar; it’s just nutty with a hint of sweetness.

raised and sourced. They also offer several vegetarian and vegan options as well as many menu items that can be made vegetarian.

My recommended vegetarian dishes are: - The sticky rice cake (just make sure to ask them to make it vegetarian!). It’s delicious, and can easily be shared between two people.

- The bean curd skin, if you want to try something different but surprisingly delicious.

- The vegetable potstickers. They are made in-house by a woman named Helen, and wow, this woman must be a goddess, because

the potstickers are incredible. The texture and flavour are perfect and the spices are not overpowering.

I would be hesitant to recommend the shan tofu. It is a vegan dish, but the chickpea tofu is almost slimy in texture. Although the flavours from the accompanying yuzu, miso, portobello, and sake vinaigrette are incredible, the texture did not sit well with me.

If you are looking for a new restaurant scene to try and are in the “treat yourself” mood in terms of finance, consider giving Bao Bei a whirl. I personally couldn’t separate the slightly unpleasant gentrification and orientalization of the restaurant from my meal experience, and left not knowing if I would come back.

14 Sports

Nick Bondi / Sports Editor

sports@the-peak.ca

ADVERTISEMENT

MAKE AN INVESTMENT IN YOURSELF & YOUR FUTURE

It was the same 3–0 score as the previous night. However, this time, SFU was on the other side of the sweep. After defeating Northwest Nazarene in straight sets, SFU lost to Central Washington in straight sets Saturday October 8th on the team’s annual Pink Day. “Central outplayed us,” said head coach Gina Schmidt after the game. “They looked like they wanted it more. [After] playing back-to-back nights, it looked like we were a step behind in certain things.”

Become a CITY OF SURREY

LIFEGUARD “Lifeguarding has given me the chance to discover what it takes to be a leader.”

Daniel

Start your Leadership Training Today!

REGISTER NOW

DANCER & MUSICIAN

604-501-5100

www.surrey.ca/pools

16RS172

This game was a crucial one for the Clan. With Central Washington right below them with a 5–2 record, a loss would see them move up into a tie for second with SFU. The first set went to Central Washington 25–19. The Wildcats went on six- and five-point runs during it to come out on top.

SFU came out and played well early on in the second set, but Central Washington slowly took control and won it 25–21, the closest one of the night. The third and final set was all Central Washington. SFU briefly

had a one-point lead before the visitors went on a seven-point run to take it 25–14, and with it, the game.

“We just weren’t on,” said Alison McKay after the game, who finished with 17 digs. “Things weren’t just going our way. A few lucky breaks by them got us down that it just felt like we couldn’t pick back up into it. They had a few runs that we couldn’t come back from. It was a tough night.”

It certainly was two totally different games for SFU, but in some ways they were eerily similar. The Clan outscored Northwest Nazarene by 21 over the course of Friday’s game, and SFU only trailed by two points halfway through the second set. In Saturday’s game, SFU was ironically also outscored by 21 points over the night, and the team’s biggest lead was by two points — 6–4 — early in the second set, and 2–0 at the start of the game. SFU is now 2–2 on backto-back conference games this year, with one more set coming up on October 28 and 29.

“Our level of execution” was what Schmidt called the difference between Friday night’s game and Saturday night’s game. “Central is a good team. They were able to attack both pins and we didn’t have an answer for that.”

Sports

With files from SFU Athletics

October 17, 2016

“I didn’t really know what to expect,” said quarterback Miles Richardson.

With the exception of one half played last year, he hadn’t started a game since high school. Now, as he headed into his first season with the Clan, he was the starter, the go-to guy. It’s a position he had wanted for three years, but it’s one that comes with enormous pressure.

“You kind of forget what it’s like to be in a game, and to be driving down the field with your teammates, just all those little things,” he explained.

It was a longer road for Richardson than most.

Recruited out of high school to the National Collegiate Athletic Association (NCAA) Division I Eastern Washington University Eagles, initially it was a dream come true.

Spending his redshirt and freshman season behind Vernon Adams, the two-time conference offensive player of the year and current Montreal Alouette, it was a great opportunity to learn and grow, while being at the highest level of football.

After Richardson’s freshman season, Adams transferred to the Oregon Ducks. Though this may have been an opportunity for the quarterback going into his sophomore year, the coaching staff went with another quarterback.

Then, seeking a new opportunity and still hungry to be a starter at a

Division I school, he looked at his options. One of those options was SFU, but he wanted to leave the door open for returning to Division I. “Especially in American culture, you’re kind of led to believe that when you’re in high school that Division I is everything.

Everyone was just talking about playing Division I and I was lucky enough to have a couple of opportunities,” he explained.

“When that opportunity didn’t really seem like the most feasible for my future, I still wanted to pursue the opportunity of playing Division I.” With this in mind, he took the junior college route and enrolled at Pima Community College in Tucson, AZ, roughly 1,500 miles from his home in Burien, WA. A standout season at the junior college level could mean another shot at the Division I level.

His first game had been going well. Then, on the first play of the second half, it happened.

“I’m carrying out my fake to the left, after I handed off the ball, ended up seeing my running back cut back, and went to go make a block for him — which is not usually necessarily what a quarterback is quote-unquote supposed to do,” he said. “And we ended up getting into a scuffle, just with our feet, as I was trying to block him and I ended up doing a Jones fracture to the outer part of my left foot.”

He was out for the season. And away from family, friends, and home, he still had to finish the academic year and achieve his associate’s degree if he wanted to go to a four-year school again.

“I had moved my entire life away from my family [and] the spouse that I now live with up here, just to pursue my own aspirations of playing college football. I had a lot of hope that I was going to be able to go and have a lot of success down there and when that was kind of just ripped away from me the first game,” said Richardson. “I was kind of stuck down there in a way, [. . .] it was just a long, lagging process that, over time, I had to deal with.

“But it wasn’t easy by any means.

It was one of the hardest things I’ve had to go through.”

Out of the hardships came an opportunity. SFU, which had courted him before he decided to go to junior college, was still interested, with head coach Kelly Bates making him the same offer before his injury.

In addition to the chance to play football again, being in southern BC also puts him close to home, only a few hours north of his hometown of Burien, 10 miles from Seattle. It doesn’t hurt that he gets to live in a world-class city that reminds him of home.

“I love Seattle. Growing up there, I feel like anytime I go anywhere else in the world I come back and look at Seattle and go, ‘How could you not want to live here, there’s water, there’s a beautiful city, there’s mountains, there’s green, it’s got everything.”

15

“You come up here, you look around, [and] it’s more of the same.

On the academic-side, he admits that SFU is the most challenging of the schools he’s attended. Studying a double-minor in business and communication, his goal is to do something entrepreneurial.

“My spouse says that I have a million ideas, [and] she just gets to listen to all of them,” he laughed.

But now, there’s a lot of work to be done on the football field. Six games into the season, the Clan has yet to get a win this season. Having medically redshirted in the year of his injury, it didn't count against his eligibility, so Richardson still has two further years after this season that he could be with the team.

How the team grows and develops will depend greatly on how they handle adversity: whether they learn and grow from the losses, or let the losses crush them.

Luckily, they have a quarterback who knows a thing or two about rising above adversity.

“It’s going to take a lot more than a few losses to get me in a place where I’m not willing to keep going,” says Richardson. “It all starts with me and I take a lot of ownership for why those scores are what they are and I won’t accept them, that’s just not something I’m going to allow.”

16 Diversions

Across 1. Something to let off 6. "That's not good" 10. Sci-fi alien of '58 (with "The") 14. "... ___ is the kingdom" 15. Tilling tool 16. City founded by Pizarro 17. Angiogram image 18. Porkpie feature 19. Condo division 20. Colorful collegians in New Orleans, La. 22. Canines, e.g.

23. Die down 24. Central 25. Batman's butler 29. Keyboard feature 34. Tasty mushroom 35. "Leave this in" 36. Ming artifact 37. Ed of "60 Minutes" 39. Initially 41. Thieves' hideout 42. Wildebeests 44. Author Horatio 45. Blows up 47. ___ the occasion (extend oneself) 48. Bachelor's last words?

49. Manual reader, say 51. Non-bear bear 54. Colorful collegians in Syracuse, N.Y.

59. Curved molding 60. Roadie's haul 61. Mindful of 62. Lecherous look 63. Matches a wager 64. Promotion basis 65. Vegas line 66. Opie's dad 67. Sassy trio?

10. Colorful collegians in Durham, N.C. 11. Script snippet 12. Pass over 13. Something to draw 21. Crumple up paper 22. Twitch 24. Damon of "Saving Private Ryan" 25. Don't hurry Down 26. Ship's positioning 1. Type of beetle or party system 2. Hammer-wielding god 27. Delicate 3. Dublin's land 28. Colorful collegians in 4. Feed the kitty Lubbock, TX 5. Have good intentions 30. Carrots' go-with 6. Name of eight popes 31. Coal carrier 7. Pre-glean activity 32. It's a good thing 8. Steinbeck migrant 33. Like repopularized 9. Refuse to commit fashions

Maia Odegaard / Business Manager

maia@the-peak.ca

35. Last word of the year?

38. Waffle brand 40. Legitimate target 43. Took by force 46. Vitamin bottle abbr.

47. Toon Chihuahua 50. Smart-talking 51. Game in which it's illegal to play left-handed 52. Like much fine wine 53. Scholarship criterion 54. Sign of what's coming 55. Homophone for use 56. Where the Vikings landed 57. Presque Isle locale 58. They may prevent spikes 60. Big - house connection

EVENT LISTINGS ARE FREE FOR SFU STUDENTS AND STUDENT ORGANIZATIONS. SEND THE DATE, TIME, LOCATION, NAME, AND A 15-WORD DESCRIPTION TO CLASSIFIEDS@THE-PEAK.CA

Sports

October 17, 2016

Austin Cozicar Peak Associate

ADVERTISEMENT

17

18 Humour

Being passive aggressive isn’t just a behaviour, it’s a lifestyle. It’s a delicate mixture of being clever and vindictive, delivered in a delightfully snarky way. If you’re looking to add more drama into your life, let this not-so-friendly gift list be your guide.

A stationery set for the asshole who never sent a thank-you card No, really, it’s fine that you never sent a thank-you card. Truly, I only spent hours trying to figure out the perfect gift, and then paid for it with my own hard-earned money. Don’t worry about it. The fact that the set’s letterhead says “Thank You” at the top means nothing — honestly.

A planner for the dickhead who forgot your dinner plans/birthday/ anniversary/etc.

OK, so I’ve already written down every important event that has to do with me for the next month. Additionally, I’ve added

Janis McMath / Humour Editor

humour@the-peak.ca

weekly reminders — all you have to do is read, and then show up on time. Do you think you can manage that?

An unloaded Starbucks card for the regular customer who doesn’t tip you Not so fun seeing zeros when you expected money, is it now? Let’s see how much you like it when you can’t afford to treat yo’ self.

A pack of diapers for the friend who just won’t grow up What do you mean you’re in your 20s? With the amount of whining you do, I could have sworn you were a toddler. You’re really not going to like the food I brought, then: it’s baby formula.

Annnnnd now you’re crying. Do you see why I thought you were a literal infant?

A swift kick to the nuts for the misogynist in your life Fuck you, my dude.

SFU FIGHT CLUB

As SFU tuition prices increase whilst course availability plummets to an all-time low, the school’s board of directors has decided that this year, in hopes of repairing a broken system, course enrolment will be done a little differently.

“This year we’re going to have a battle royale to see which students get first priority for enrolling in their desired courses,” said Gordon Myers, SFU’s associate VP academic.

“Now, we haven’t decided if this will be a battle royale like The Hunger Games, or an arenastyle battle with a bit more of a Russell Crowe vibe, like Gladiator . The options are open to discussion. Tuition will go up regardless, though. That’s not really up for discussion.”

As for weapons, students are permitted to use whatever they can to “Engage the world,” including but not limited to: • Short sticks, knives, pencils, fireplace pokers etc.

• Laser pointers • Textbooks as blunt objects • Net traps while riding horseback, a.k.a. Planet of the Apes (ape costume encouraged) “Being that we don’t have a stadium like legitimate schools, this will take place in the AQ, guerrilla-style,” Myers stated. The BC Government announced that it will not permit funding for this event, stating that “We already have our own methodical ways of ruining people’s lives that don’t include fireplace pokers and apestyle combat.”

When asked about whether the event will continue without government backing, Myers responded that “I do believe that this will affect the event as they were our only suppliers of smoke bombs. However, we have received some private funding from companies with vested interest in promotion during the event.

“We are proud to announce that SFU’s Course Selection Battle Royale Extravaganza will be

sponsored by Red Bull. This is a wonderful partnership considering the fact that Red Bull is key to the nutritious and balanced diet of the overworked and desperately exhausted SFU student population.”

In terms of how the Course Selection Battle Royale Extravaganza will look, Myers ran us through the layout. “First we’ll have the entire science, technology, engineering, and mathematics students battling it out, and we’ll provide them

with lots of funding, but not much protection since they have the natural ability to protect themselves from injury through their own bloated sense of entitlement.

“Afterwards, we will have humanities students battling, but SFU will not be funding the humanities skirmish seeing as their many prospective employers will likely provide the students with the necessary equipment. Besides, SFU funding is stretched as far as it can go.”

When asked for some examples of job prospects for humanities students, Myers held his head under water in the admin hot tub for an awkward amount of time until our reporter left the room.

With the new Course Selection Battle Royale Extravaganza in place, students of SFU can rest easy knowing that they’ll either get into the course they desperately need to graduate, or die a horribly gruesome death by mechanical pencil.

Humour

October 17, 2016

THE COMMUTER Enact the average SFU commuter’s peak sexual experience with a partner. First, board a busy bus together, finding standing space directly next to one another. Second, let the sexual tension amplify as you descend the mountain, determinedly avoiding eye contact for fear of letting loose and going at it in the tight public space. Third, get off the bus at your respective stops, go home, and never see each other again.

How can I incorporate more SFU school spirit into my sex life? It’s a question we’ve all asked ourselves at one time or another during our university careers. Statistics show that students’ sexual engagement with SFU is at the all-time low of never having existed.

To ensure that students are able to support their university in all facets of their lives, The Peak has provided an official guide to fornication, the Simon Fraser way.

THE STADIUM Is your partner athletic? Start by amping up the mood and excitement for them, promising all kinds of awesome stuff like shelter from the rain and room for a large audience, only to realize at the last second that you’re not prepared and can’t go through with it due to a lack of financial planning and foresight. This will help you empathize and stand in solidarity with the Simon Fraser Student Society on how tough it is to let people down.

THE AVOCADO Is an SFU sex article an SFU sex article if it doesn’t mention the avocado? I doubt it. Perform interpretive sex with a partner, with one person curling up into a ball to symbolize the pit of our glorious sculpture, and the other taking on a soft mushy consistency as they curl around them. Perform sexual acts this way, or add a third person on the other side of the pit to form a whole avocado.

THE BELL CURVE This roleplay is BDSM-friendly; just be sure to discuss personal boundaries with your partner beforehand.

The setting is your average classroom.

One participant will be acting as the professor, the other as your GPA. Start with the professor stating that they will be implementing Gaussian Probability Distribution in their grading. Next, have them come forward and start roughly ramming your GPA up the butthole. That’s about all there is to it.

19

THE PROFESSOR/STUDENT RELATION In an age where teacher/student pornos litter every adult website, who wouldn’t want an authentic sexy classroom experience? Start out with one partner coming to the other’s class each week, staying late to ask questions and get “extra credit.” Continue in this manner until the sexual advances culminate to a climactic breaking point, resulting in the professor shutting the student down in a curt and professional manner — as any responsible authority figure should.

THE PETTER SFU president Andrew Petter is an icon for sexual inspiration — his last name alone says it all. Pay homage to the prez by putting some Petter in your heavy petting. Cuddle up to your partner nice and close, and lovingly stroke them like a cute animal from head to butt. While you’re at it, whisper “engage the world” huskily in their ear. The more ways you can incorporate the terms “engage”/“engaging”/“en gagement”/“engager” into your pillow talk, the better you’re doing. You might even be set for marriage by the end.

THE MCFOGG Do SFU’s mascot proud by doing it doggy style — with some important additions, of course. Prior to copulation, both partners must abstain from shaving any body hair for at least a month to properly channel their inner dog. While performing the sex act, one or both participants must wear a traditional Scottish tam o’ shanter cap. Bow-wow, SFU.

20 Last Word

Tamara Connor / Features Editor

features@the-peak.ca