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“To the valour of their countrymen in the great war and in memory of their sixty thousand dead this monument is raised by the people of Canada.” That is what I read while standing on the plain green fields of Vimy Ridge in the north of France, knees shaking from the 2C weather, and teary-eyed from one of the most moving memorials I have ever seen. When you think of spending a semester abroad, you typically think of drinking and partying — and while there was some of that, there were also some moments that moved me in ways I hadn’t anticipated. When I got off the train in the small town of Lens, I honestly didn't expect much. Small-town France has a reputation of being a little rough around the edges. I spent the night in an apartment, and in the morning, I pinned a poppy to my chest and started my trek towards the Vimy Ridge Memorial. Getting out of the car, I was greeted by two very tall limestone pylons. I was quiet — everyone in my group was. The memorial was breathtaking. We walked up to it, slowly, taking it in from

every angle. There were 20 or so statues, all expressing something so different and powerful, you couldn't help but cry, smile, and pray as you walked around the monument. Sacrifice, mourning, innocence, strength, courage, loss. The statues told it all.

When it came time for the ceremony, my friends and I gathered in a crowd of maybe 100 on the fields below the memorial. Looking up, we heard “Scotland the Brave” begin, and saw some of the bagpipers follow. Immediately, tears rolled down my cheeks. I looked around, and thought to myself about how many people died where I was standing so that I could have the life I do now. The ceremony continued, the colours were marched in, speeches were given, and anthems were sung. All the while, I

was fighting not to collapse right then and there. Once the ceremony had ended, we walked up the side of the ridge to the museum and trenches. We stood in front of fields still warped from the war. Grazing on the fields at the museum were sheep, which I found a little strange. I asked why they had sheep out there, and apparently, in most parts of northern France, the fields still have active shells hidden under a layer of grass, so sending lawn mowers isn't an option. The rolly hills plagued with bumps and humps were shocking, and the perfect reminder of what man can do to nature when we fight one another. I walked through the restored and preserved trenches in complete silence. There was a cemetery on the other side of the memorial and we walked over to find a sea of white crosses. Again, all in silence. Spending Remembrance Day at Vimy Ridge is an experience I will not soon forget. To stand on the fields where so many lost their lives is so different from standing in your school gym or having a moment of silence while at work. I had no idea how powerful Remembrance Day could be until seeing firsthand a community that was freed by Canadians. If you ever get the opportunity to visit a Canadian war memorial abroad, take it.

4 News

Jessica Frankson SFU Student

Ashley Fraser / Print News Editor

news@the-peak.ca

News

November 7, 2016

Public Open House – November 16 Burnaby Mountain District Energy Utility We want to hear from you! Simon Fraser University, SFU Community Trust, and CORIX Utilities are looking for your feedback on the proposed implementation of the Burnaby Mountain District Energy Utility (DEU) in the community. The Burnaby Mountain DEU will replace 85% of the SFU Burnaby campus and new UniverCity developments’ thermal energy needs with green energy from renewable sources, supporting the City of Burnaby’s sustainability and environmental goals through greenhouse gas reductions. The DEU will use locally sourced clean wood residuals to provide heat and domestic hot water to Burnaby Campus Buildings and the UniverCity residential community at SFU. Date: Wednesday, November 16, 2016 Time: 2-4pm and 6-8pm Place: Halpern Centre – Room 126 8888 University Drive Burnaby, BC Can’t attend in person? More information is available at www.corix.com/bmdeu where you can also complete an online feedback form from November 14-28, 2016.

MEETING LOCATION

News

Ashley Fraser / Print News Editor

news@the-peak.ca

The results of Iceland’s October 29 general election reveal that the Pirate party, positioned pre-election to become the country’s biggest party, won just shy of 15 percent of the vote. The Pirate party was formed by Internet activists, who value government transparency and pure democracy. More voters opted for the Independence party, which won 29 percent of the vote and ran on a platform of lowering

taxes on further economic recovery. The election was spurred by the resignation of former prime minister Sigmundur David Gunnlaugsson after the Panama papers scandal in April, which brought to light the existence of offshore accounts held by Icelandic officials.

On October 30, an earthquake of magnitude 6.6 hit Italy’s central region, the highest magnitude recorded in the country since 1980. The region had been experiencing tremors for the past two months. The earthquake, the epicentre of which was near Norcia, affected several towns, non-critically injuring 20 people. The civil protection agency said it was providing assistance to

15,000 people forced from their homes, and providing shelter to 10,000 of those. Norcia residents mourned the collapse of the 13th century Basilica of St. Benedict, described as the cultural and historic heart of the town.

With files from The Guardian and Reuters

Kevin Rey / The Peak

With files from BBC News and Reuters

Vancouver discusses waste-eliminating initiatives at annual conference Protests were held October 30 in several Moroccan cities in response to the death of a fishmonger. Mouhcine Fikri was crushed in a garbage truck while trying to recover the fish he had bought at a port. The fish had been confiscated by police. In response to Fikri’s death, many took to social media to denounce

“hogra,” a term for injustice. The rallies are being compared in scale to demonstrations during the Arab unrest in 2011, which were organized by the same activist group responsible for the current protests. With files from BBC News and Reuters

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“The best way to make change in the world is to make it rather than talking about it,” said Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) Media Lab professor Neri Oxman at Vancouver’s Zero Waste Conference. The annual gathering brought together intellectuals, designers, and executives from diverse backgrounds to address the challenges of eliminating waste, while improving life for consumers in the process. The goal of the conference is to move to a “circular economy,” where everything is reused, recycled, or composted. Oxman gave the morning keynote speech, explaining how the MIT Media Lab is drawing inspiration from nature in order to create replacements for plastics and new surfaces for buildings. In particular, she explained that “the world of design has been subjugated by the rigours of manufacturing and mass production.” She suggested designers could transition to using 3-D printing and reactive materials to build complex structures in one piece rather than assembling many different parts. “We don’t want to work with plastics anymore in the products design realm,” she said, adding that instead we would have products that could biodegrade on demand.

Later in the conference, Stephanie Bertels, professor at SFU’s Beedie School of Business, hosted a discussion with industry leaders in redirecting waste from landfills. The audience heard from companies like Ecovative, which uses lab-grown fungus to make replacements for styrofoam packaging, and Looptworks, which has created designer luggage lines that use scraps of material collected from other industries.

The federal government joined in on the action, too. Joyce Murray, Liberal MP for Vancouver Quadra, told attendees that it was time the government “get [their] own house in order.” She explained that the government will take progressive steps to achieve a 40 percent cut to emissions by 2030, including shifting government fleets to electric and hybrid vehicles and retrofitting government buildings to make them more energy efficient. The biggest announcement of the conference came when

Richmond Mayor Malcolm Brodie spoke to the Zero Waste Committee’s desire to take a bite out of food waste. He announced a newly created National Food Waste Reduction Strategy, which outlines different steps that will be taken with the goal of reducing food waste in Canada by 50 percent by 2030. Practical regulations to target food waste at the consumer and distributor ends clarifying best-before labels on perishables and using tax credits to incentivize food bank donations over food disposal. Vancouver has already been a hotbed of this kind of waste reduction and other green initiatives in recent years. Since 2008, the city has reduced its solid waste going to landfills by 23 percent, with the goal of reducing it by 50 percent by 2020. SFU has a similar program in place that has already achieved its goal of diverting 70 percent of solid waste from landfills. For SFU students who are hungry for more opportunities to reduce their environmental footprint, they can also participate in the Food Rescue program organized by Embark, SFU’s studentled environmental organization. The program receives donated food from the Nesters Market on Burnaby Mountain and hands it out to students in Blusson Hall.

Opinions

Zach Siddiqui / Opinions Editor

October 31, 2016 opinions@the-peak.ca

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Opinions

A city isn’t merely defined by its location, or the high-rises cropping up against the sky as towering giants. Its unique identity goes beyond simple economics and infrastructure; it’s made by the mood and tone of the people who live, work, and create there. In cities like Vancouver, street artists are a prominent force in shaping their home’s overall atmosphere and reputation — in fact, they help drive our tourist industry beyond where it would otherwise be. Yet even here, they’re far too often ignored, and this is a reality that needs to change. The City of Vancouver and its officials understand their importance, and encourage these performers to create their art within the parameters of various bylaws and regulations set out to ensure public acquiescence. What most people don’t consider is just how much effort goes into making this coexistence possible.

I remember the night Beyoncé decided to bless us with “Formation.” I was on exchange in England, chatting with a friend on Skype, when I had to stop what I was doing and take it all in. The song was fire, but this was Beyoncé; I expected nothing less. What I found really powerful were the visuals that accompanied the song, proudly putting our history on display. Black women were showcasing their natural hair. New Orleans-based southern black culture was being celebrated. A young black boy in a ‘hood was dancing in front of cops in full riot gear. Combining the above with lyrics focusing on celebrating Beyoncé’s southern roots, I understood that “Formation” was meant to speak to black people,

Nearly every spot involves paperwork and permits to perform there, although parks, Library Square, and certain community spaces allow musicians and other forms of street entertainers to forgo this hassle. Otherwise, performing takes money, effort, knowledge of the bylaws, and a refined and moving act. This kind of investment illustrates the tenacity and dedication inherent to the characters of such artists. At the same time, it shows how much of a tragedy it is when they’re disregarded, or become the victims of disrespect and contempt. These precious people work hard to make strangers smile. It’s commendable that even when so many walk past uncaringly, these performers continue to celebrate and share life, passion, and art. As forward-thinking students of a school already dedicated to creating an inclusive and supportive

and specifically, black women — reminding us that we slay. That’s why seeing such a call of solidarity be distorted and mocked for somebody else’s agenda is so irritating. Recently, Amy Schumer released a mimicry of Beyoncé’s video, titled “Get in Formation.” Schumer lip-syncs along to the song, featuring cameos from actors like Goldie Hawn, Joan Cusack, and Wanda Sykes. The closest we get to acknowledging the original visuals’ significance is Sykes’ cornrows — but this is the equivalent of “But I have a black friend . . .” and I’m not here for it. Schumer is a white woman. “Formation” isn’t meant for her, nor is it meant to be used by her. By completely changing

Zach Siddiqui / Opinions Editor

opinions@the-peak.ca

environment, we should be able to respect and appreciate all that a street artist puts into their work. Whether your interests fall in the arts or elsewhere, we all know firsthand what it’s like to put your all into your work and just hope that it pays off. Yet, when heading out to Vancouver, many of us still tune them out, paying no mind to what they have to offer.

Street artists make their living creating something beautiful for others, hoping it will be appreciated enough to warrant the forgotten change in a person’s pocket. All they ask is that you enjoy their music, their dance, their art — if you enjoy what they do, let them know. If you find yourself pausing to listen for a moment, or smiling as you walk past, then drop in a coin or a couple dollars as a simple show of support.

Being an artist isn’t the easiest life, but it’s a life of creation and possibility. Street artists embody this reality. Realizing this, and knowing the smile that may flit across your own face as you hear them, find a way to show them what they do matters. Twenty-five cents in that battered suitcase to say you appreciate what they’re doing. Twenty-five cents to say thank you.

the imagery and focusing almost solely on her own experiences, she misses the fact that this song speaks of blackness and black femininity in a way that she, as a white woman, cannot understand.

we explain, “You can come hang out with us, but don’t make it all about you.” Regardless, this could’ve been easily resolved if Schumer heard the criticism and apologized. However, she responded by saying, “I had Beyoncé and Jay Z’s approval. They released it on Tidal exclusively for the first 24 hours.” Um, nope. That’s not how this works. We haven’t seen an official endorsement from the Knowles-Carter family, probably because Beyoncé is busy dominating the world, so that’s not a valid defence. Meanwhile, a tribute may be well-intentioned, but it doesn’t change the fact that Schumer's trying to turn a piece that’s so blatantly for black women into a tribute to all women. She could’ve

used a song that’s not so directly connected to black culture. She talked about empowering all women, failing to acknowledge that black women experience life differently than white women. It’s white feminism at its peak, and I’m not here for it. This doesn’t mean that nonblack people can’t listen to “Formation.” Shoot, I play it as loud as I can for my friends, reminding them that their best revenge is their paper. What it does mean is that this song is a celebratory space meant for me, a black woman, and it needs to be treated as such. Black women face prejudice on a regular basis. My sisters are murdered and their names aren’t even spoken. When a powerful figure within popular culture — who is also a black woman — creates a piece of art specifically for me and my girls, that is sacred and special. Until she gets that, Ms. Schumer will not be going to Red Lobster.

Think of it this way: Queen Bey throws an incredible party for black women to celebrate us. I and all my black girlfriends show up with our ‘fros, twists, and braids on point. Our makeup is on fleek, and we are feelin’ good! Suddenly, Schumer bursts in, tries to draw all the attention to herself, and gets mad when

Opinions

November 7, 2016

One of the first questions I receive when I tell people that I’m First Nations is, “Do you receive free education?” My answer’s usually a stunned, quiet non-answer, followed by a quick subject change. Later, I wonder where people get the nerve to ask such a personal question — one that can be triggering to many indigenous students. I don’t inquire into others’ financial situations, yet people feel entitled to inquire into mine. This myth that all Canadian indigenous people get “free rides” from the government harms the integrity of First Nations, Métis, and Inuit people, because it’s exactly that: a myth. Yes, some of us receive governmentfunded education; many of us do not. Thousands of non-status and nonregistered indigenous people selfidentify and don’t receive a dime. This is where scholarships are important. Just like every other struggling student at SFU, many indigenous students go to great lengths to pay their tuition; scholarships and bursaries help curb this burden. For many years, SFU scholarship applications didn’t require status/Métis

Sir John Harrington, godson to Queen Elizabeth, brought the modern commode from the drawing board to the plush rooms of Richmond Palace. It wasn't exactly what you have in your powder room today, but he had the idea down. But before Sir John and Thomas Crapper, another bright toilet tinkerer (yes, his last name was Crapper), worked out the contraption we all sit on multiple times a day, we emptied our bowels the old-fashioned way: squatting in appropriate and sometimes inappropriate locations. Our lives forever became much more convenient. No more squatting in an inconspicuous spot behind a bush out in the cold or the hot sun, or using chamber pots! By the late 19th century, most homes in the developed world had sitdown toilets. But Mr. Crapper and his colleagues definitely flunked Dark Ages anatomy, because they forgot to account for the meddling puborectalis muscle.

cards or other documentation to “prove” identity claims. A simple letter from the Indigenous Student Centre sufficed. As of this Fall 2016 semester, SFU requires students to provide “acceptable proof” of heritage in order to complete their applications. The university now requests a copy of a status/Métis card, a copy of a parent’s card, or a letter from the applicant’s band or self-governing First Nations community. This change completely excludes self-identified people who are non-status or non-registered. Out of all the cultures in Canada, indigenous people are the only ones who are consistently required to prove their identities. “What percentage are you?” or “Do you have a status card?” are routinely asked, as if blood quantum or government documentation are the only indicators of cultural richness. By requiring documentation to access resources allocated for indigenous people, universities create a hierarchy of who is the most “authentic” and who is less so. Those who cannot produce said documentation are not only excluded from the resources, but must also deal with the emotional toil of being rejected from one’s own culture. Ethnic fraud isn’t so rampant that it’s worth turning away self-identified indigenous students. It’s unacceptable for an indigenous person’s

identity to face distrust from the very institution which imparts their education. Having one’s identity scrutinized over lack of “acceptable proof” directly violates indigenous people’s rights as self-determining people. Thankfully, following an outcry from concerned students, the university has put this request of supporting documentation on hold to further investigate its unintended consequences. It’s important that SFU sees this issue through, and changes their administrative practice to include all indigenous students. The University of Manitoba is an excellent example of accepting selfidentified students. Students can easily access a self-determining document to fill out on their Indigenous Student Centre webpage. I recommend SFU follows suit and refrains from imposing requirements that impinge on self-identifying indigenous students’ access to education. SFU has committed to promoting reconciliation with its indigenous people within the community. It’s not a straightforward, easy process, but some steps are as simple as providing access to scholarships and bursaries to self-identifying indigenous people. This is an excellent opportunity for SFU to demonstrate that it takes this seriously, and is willing to reconcile with us and demonstrate that we’re vital members of the SFU community.

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12 Arts

Jessica Whitesel / Arts Editor

arts@the-peak.ca

Arts

November 7, 2016

The beef that started it all. Less a genuine rivalry and more a spontaneous rap battle, it started when rapper Busy Bee Starski shot a diss at fellow rapper Kool Moe Dee during a live set at the Harlem World club in New York. Dee, one of the all-time rap legends, responded

with an ice cold freestyle, including such dismissals as “You’re not number one, you’re not even the best / And you can’t win no real emcee contest.” There’s a reason you’ve never heard of Busy Bee before now.

If anyone needed proof that Ice Cube was cold as ice, look no further. The rapper left the famous Straight Outta Compton group in 1990, citing poor management and bad finances. On their 1990 EP, NWA dissed the former member, saying that Ice Cube “couldn’t take” being in the group.

Cube shot back in 1991 with “No Vaseline,” with lyrics so hardcore I can’t even mention them here. Cube’s solo career was ultimately successful, while NWA split soon after. Eventually they buried the hatchet, if the success of last year’s biopic is any indication.

Fable Diner reimagines Main Street with a 1950s flair. Opened in early July, Fable Diner, a spin-off of Kitsilano’s Fable Restaurant, brings an upscale diner experience while maintaining the integrity of a movie-style diner: wooden tables, forest green leather booths, modern white tile, and retro prints. The service was friendly and genuine, even throughout the busy lunch hour. There is an extensive array of comfort food featuring interesting ingredients (kimchi, cola onions, and gochujang), but the dishes clearly show how hard Fable Diner tried to think outside of the box. There is little room for error when it comes to changing popular dishes, and while their ideas are original, some of them missed the mark.

The mac and cheese had an amazing sauce but was topped with tooth-breakingly hard corn nuts and strong goat cheese. The veggie BLT replaced the “B” with rubbery shiitake mushrooms. The FD burger took a chance with a medium-well burger patty which, despite being ground inhouse and perfectly safe to eat, left us feeling kind of squeamish after we left the restaurant.

Hiding amidst these misses was the delicious tomato soup,

which put Campbell’s to shame. If nothing else, have a bowl of this soup when you go. It is the perfect blend of cream and slightly tangy tomato coming together in light and delicious harmony. As Fable Diner’s customer base continues to grow, the chefs at the restaurant continue to experiment with different ingredients and bolder flavours to stay true to their unique, upscale diner experience. The creative dishes that appear on the ever-expanding menu will have us coming back even if the dishes weren’t that great this time.

The rap beef everyone thinks of first, Tupac and Biggie’s beef extended to a broader beef between East Coast and West Coast rappers in general. Both sides exchanged more than just disses, with tensions leading to robberies, shootings, and the eventual murder of

both Tupac and Biggie. What most don’t know is that the two actually started as friends, before a series of missteps led them to become bitter rivals. While both ended up being remembered as rap legends in their own right, fights still rage over which one was the better MC.

I’m not going to argue here that Kendrick is the king — you should already know that. True to his status as royalty, Lamar used his guest verse on Big Sean single “Control” to call out all of his rivals at once, including Drake, Pusha T, Mac Miller, A$AP Rocky, and Big Sean himself, on his own song. Meanwhile, Lamar ranked himself

among the all-time greats, including Jay Z, Nas, and Andre 3000. While it was only a guest verse on another rapper’s single, Lamar’s call-out was arguably the biggest rap story of 2013, and became the most critically acclaimed verse since Nicki Minaj’s “Monster” verse in 2010.

Spring 2017 Courses GSWS 317-4 Bread Riots to Riot Grrls: Gender, Resistance and Protest in Historical Perspective Mondays: 9:30 – 13:20

How do the ways we frame or historicize movements for social justice shape their cultural memory? How are intersecting identities of gender, race, class, and sexuality articulated in social movements, and how are they obscured? This course traces women’s activism from the late 19 th century to the present day. We cover a range of left wing social movements, with a particular focus on the intersections of race, gender, and violence in feminist and civil rights organizing from the 1950s onwards. We also look at grassroots feminist organizing in Oregon and Washington in the 1990’s.

GSWS 319-4 ST: Sport through a Feminist Lens

The best-known beef of the modern era, Drake’s rivalry with Meek Mill began last year when Meek accused Drake of using a ghostwriter for his raps. Several factors complicated the beef from the start, including Meek’s fiancée Nicki Minaj, who’s long been rumoured to be in a romantic relationship with Drake. For his part, Drake jumped on the beef right

Kiera Anderson

Wednesdays: 9:30 – 13:20

Dr. Muller Myrdahl

Consider the following sport “moments”: the persistence of sex-testing that targets female athletes; US athletes kneeling during the national anthem to demonstrate support for the Black Lives Matter movement; continued efforts to change racist team names and mascots; disputes over inequitable resource allocations for men’s and women’s teams; protests in Brazil during the World Cup and Rio Olympics. Analyzing these disparate examples requires asking how relations of power inhabit and become manifest in sport: in its institutions, spaces, media coverage, and popular discourse. This course addresses this and related questions to interrogate the social investment in sport as a “neutral” site where athletic excellence is performed and consumed.

GSWS 321-4 ST: Critical Disability Studies

Thursdays: 8:30 – 12:20

away, releasing diss track “Back to Back” which he later performed live behind a livestream of fanmade Meek Mill memes. In case there were any lingering doubts that Drake won, “Back to Back” was nominated for a Grammy, the first diss song to gain the honour. Can you imagine being the subject of a Grammy-nominated diss?

Dr. Nye

This course will introduce students to key questions and debates in the interdisciplinary field of disability studies. Drawing from a range of texts and media, we will explore the social, political, and representational dimensions of disability. Throughout, we will attend closely to the ways that the category and experience of disability differently intersects with formations of gender, race, sexuality, nationality, and class. Some questions that we will explore include: How and why do minds and bodies get categorized as “normal” or “abnormal,” and what is at stake in these definitions? What is the relation between our bodies and their environments – from the ildings we live in to the air we breathe? How do technologies—prosthetics, pharmaceuticals, and amniocentesis—force us to reconsider what it means to be human? How do people with disabilities negotiate sexual desires and identities? In what ways has mental and physical difference been disciplined through institutions such as asylums, prisons, and schools? And, how do performances of disability in art, activism, or biomedicine reinforce or reimagine cultural categories of ability?

GSWS 335W-4 Through a Gendered Lens (B Soc)

Fridays: 9:30 – 13:20 at SFU Surrey

Dr. Marchbank

In this course, we explore what gender means and how knowledge creation is affected by gender. We then apply a gender lens to a number of social issues, contexts and regions. The approach is interdisciplinary and multi modal. We will employ social science readings, film, documentaries, amongst other forms of exploration. This class is interactive. Sessions will involve activities, group and individual exercises and discussion of the theories, empirical information and ideas presented in the readings and films/documentaries.

All GSWS course outlines available at: www.sfu.ca/gsws

14 Sports

Nick Bondi / Sports Editor

sports@the-peak.ca

Sports

November 7, 2016

2016 BY-ELECTION CANDIDATES PRESIDENT Larissa Chen Deepak Sharma Darien Lechner

ENVIRONMENT REPRESENTATIVE Supreet Malhi Thadoe Wai

VOTING WILL OCCUR BETWEEN NOVEMBER 15 and 17 IbgX ba_\aX Tg U\g!_l"F9FF8_XVg\bafIbgX Inquiries can be made to Vanna Lodders, Chief Commissioner at elections.chief@sfss.ca

Twitter: @SFSSElections Facebook: facebook.com/SFSSElections

16 Diversions

Across 1. Experiments 6. Gambling term 10. Repairs lawns 14. Group of eight 15. Pilot's stunt 16. Biblical "you" 17. Inclined 18. Sandwich shop 19. At any ____ 20. Excellent 22. Withstood 24. Fangs 27. Blood vessel 28. Exercise club 31. Shakespeare play 33. Breezy 35. Grow weary 36. Honorable 41. Cooking container 43. Pittsburgh player 45. Tent post 46. Cloth belt 48. Casino city 49. Skin drawings 52. Roberto's "two" 53. The Grim ____ 57. Result 59. Commanded 61. Make possible

65. Responsibility 66. Eye drop 69. Slobber 70. Tip 71. Angel's aura 72. Frighten 73. Groups 74. Moistureless 75. Snaky shapes Down 1. Lids 2. Light tan 3. Intersection sign 4. Belief 5. Hi-fi system 6. Antique 7. Bambi's mom 8. Mete (out) 9. Of the backbone

10. Walk pompously 11. Midwest airport 12. Discourage 13. Shabby 21. Actress ____ Davis 23. Male bee 25. Desire for water 26. Pronoun 28. Talk back 29. Heartthrob Brad ____ 30. Zone 32. School assignment 34. Chatter 37. Atop, poetically 38. Ran, as colors 39. Comedian Jay ____ 40. Love god 42. Measuring device 44. Not these

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47. Consumed 50. Vocalist ____ Franklin 51. Ice-cream dish 53. Origins 54. "Sesame Street" character 55. Grown-up 56. Annoying ones 58. Noblemen 60. Letter starter 62. Constricting snakes 63. Traditional knowledge 64. Shade providers 67. Rhyming boxer 68. Singer ____ Stewart

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Humour

Janis McMath / Humour Editor

October 31, 2016 humour@the-peak.ca

1. It’s time that politics got honest! So let’s have the wealthy elite run things openly. 2. You’re not sure why all these people are here chanting “Trump,” but you enjoy loud noises. Like guns — they excite you. 3. You’re tired of politicians’ tricks, like facts and reason. 4. You’re totally not racist or anything, but you just want to make America whi— . . . er, great again. 5. You’re totally not racist or anything, but they are stealing your jobs.

Democrats

You weren't really sure about this one. The packaging was nice and celebrities kept endorsing it, yet you've heard many questionable things about it, so you’re naturally suspicious. Is it really an exact replica of Anthony Weiner’s wiener? Is this where all the Clinton Foundation money goes? If Hillary's had to fake it all these years, will I have to? You still reluctantly bought it, though — and boy does it work. It may resort to some nasty, wrong (as Donald would say), semi-illegal shit to get you there, but when it does, buckle up. Lock the doors, turn up the music, and get to your polling station. Thanks, Obama!

Republicans

One word: jarring. Almost as if it were designed without the slightest awareness of the female body, this particular model starts out with a pinch and accelerates until it's pummeling you in the cervix, going from zero to "oh dear God, why" in a matter of seconds. Unresponsive when you're trying to stop it, the Republican vibrator was apparently once well-received, but has since deteriorated into an aggressive, abrasive, literal pain in the ass (though the instructions are strictly opposed to use in "non-traditional" orifices). The only thing that could possibly make it worse at this point is if it started leaking battery acid . . . oh wait.

Conservatives

The batteries used in this model are no longer sold. Maybe there will be a rebranding in a few years, but I'm hardly curling my toes in anticipation.

Liberals

Historically inconsistent (let's face it, nobody got off in the Stéphane Dion years) but currently reaching new peaks of sex-cellence. The looks, the charisma, and the boyish charm — this one is on every Montreal housewife's to-do list, once little Pierre and Sophie are safely tucked in bed. Every once in a while there's a glitch, but this vibrator's loyal following can dutifully ignore such trivial errors in favour of the greater good. And when it's good, it's good. Oh, Canada!

NDP

Briefly a big seller, this model once showed real promise but has since reverted to tired tricks that no one really asked for. Buzz, buzz, meh.

6. You’re totally not racist or anything, but they are Mexicans — you love taco bowls, though. 7. You’re totally not racist or anything, but you find yourself explaining why you aren’t a racist quite often. Donald Trump will sort that out. 8. Life is a joke anyway. You can see the humour in any situation. 9. You’re Vladimir Putin. 10. You just want to see the world burn.

1. You’re like, totally a feminist. 2. Politicians make promises all the time without delivering any real change. That’s just the way politics work. 3. Pantsuits are so in right now. 4. Wall Street needs love, too. 5. What’s an election without a few scandals? 6. Emails? To be honest, I never paid much attention. It sounded pretty boring. 7. You have this strange notion that years of experience in government is a better qualification for becoming president than being a shitty businessman with a reality TV show. 8. Your teacher will fail you if you don’t vote. 9. At least Hillary will have someone to manage her emails for her in the White House. 10. You’d rather not experience nuclear war.

Green Party

Does anybody actually use this?

18 Comics Mystic Man vs Cyber Cindy by Reuben Newton

Pun, 2, 3 by Sarah Walker

Joke Train by Zar

Janis McMath / Humour Editor

humour@the-peak.ca

Humour

Apparently, the most-requested first dance song is “All of Me” by John Legend. This is kind of like hearing that Maroon 5 is coming to play a gig at the Highland, but it’s actually only the bassist, Remy Martin. Does anyone give a fuck? No. It shows how little you give a fuck that Remy Martin isn’t even Maroon 5’s bassist, but actually a brand of French cognac. I digress, but the point I’m trying to make here is that at your nuptials you should be throwing some shapes on the D-floor to something slightly less underwhelming. So, here are some bangers befitting of your big day. “Baby Got Back” – Sir Mix-a-Lot You first noticed her when another girl at the next table turned to her friend and exclaimed “Oh, my, God. Becky, look at her butt.” Who could they possibly be talking about? And then you saw her.

November 7, 2016

You were hooked and couldn’t stop staring. Jake, Sean, and all your other homeboys tried to warn you. It’s a damn good thing you drive a Benz. Cosmo said she was fat, but you weren’t down with that. Your old man always told you, your anaconda don’t want none unless she’s got buns, hun. Luckily for you, there’s a song that captures your meet-cute rather accurately. “Bye Bye Bye” – *NSYNC You’ve come to see that life would be much better if she was gone. She may hate you, but it ain’t no lie — baby, bye, bye, bye. This was a mistake from the start, so embrace it. Ask your recently hitched wife to kindly stand by the side, round up three of your buddies and Lance Bass (he’s always around) and put on an impressively choreographed dance sequence to renounce your love.

She’s gonna see you out that door at some point — might as well do it in style. “What Do You Mean?” – Justin Bieber When you nod your head “yes,” but you want to say “no.” There’s nothing like fostering a sense of entrapment to get everyone in the mood for a romantic occasion. “What Does The Fox Say” – Ylvis Well, seeing how you’re now, in the eyes of the law, married to a fox — “yes” is apparently the answer to life’s greatest mystery. “Tik Tok” – Ke$ha Much like Ke$ha, you’re going to be asking, “Where did it all go wrong?" Perhaps it was when you started brushing your teeth with an entire bottle of Jack Daniel’s, which gave you both liver damage and tooth decay. Or maybe it went wrong because you left for the night and never came back. Maybe it’s even because when you woke every morning, you felt like you embodied the rapper formerly known as P.

Diddy. Embodying P. Diddy is not healthy. But, the most probable reason it all went wrong is because you decided this was the song you wanted for your first dance. “My Heart Will Go On” – Céline Dion This is “your” song. Of course it was going to be the soundtrack to your first dance. Why are you looking at me that way? No, I haven’t seen Titanic. Why is that relevant?

Illustration by Alisha Lee / The Peak

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20 Last Word

students " Disengaged are the reason weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve had uninspiring student government

Tamara Connor / Features Editor

features@the-peak.ca