If it sounds ridiculous or like I’m being overdramatic, it’s because it was and I was. Recalling the absurd lengths I went to hide something as normal as body hair is painful, not because of some repressed memories but from how badly I facepalm myself thinking about it. Remember back in high school when everyone’s bodies were a whirlpool of change, and every week brought something new to feel insecure about? I’d always been a heavier guy, so that didn’t bother me as much; and fortunately I’d — for the most part — dodged the acne and bad skin bullet. No, the thing that worried me the most during those anxious years starts with ‘body’ and ends with ‘hair.’ Hair. What was developed as an evolutionary trait to protect/ warm certain parts of our body became a burden to me. People in my grade were busy expecting theirs to shoot up and I was busy trying to hide any trace that it already existed on me. I changed in washroom stalls during gym class, wore a shirt while at the beach, and always wore a crew neck undershirt even under regular shirts to hide any trace of the Sasquatch bod I was boasting. I even slept in shirts, summer months included, afraid roommates over the years would spot my body in an unkempt state.
Just as there was no single moment that constructed my shame over body hair, I can’t pinpoint a single moment where I began to be comfortable with it. When it came to changing rooms, I started changing out in the open. Somehow V-necks made their way into my wardrobe, and the world continued to turn for hairy and nonhairy guys alike. I hate to use other people’s opinions as a reason for my acceptance, but unfortunately this was a huge part of it. Once I figured out that no one cared that my back and shoulders looked like a bathmat, I realized I didn’t have to care, either. A big moment came when I realized that members of the opposite sex weren’t immediately
disgusted by my densely-follicled body. In fact, the opposite was true in most cases. While I know some girls who dig the skeletal prepubescent look, where a guy has more hair on his head than the rest of his body combined, others want a guy that doesn’t remind them of a hairless cat. I won’t get into some bullshit about hyper-masculinity, but I’ve had girls tell me they like being reminded of when guys were less concerned with manscaping and had traditionally hairy bodies. I’m trying to find a moral to pass onto you readers; something that goes beyond the cliched, ‘just be comfortable in your own skin.’ Only hair isn’t part of your skin, and cliches about accepting your body have become next-level cliches. Your body is yours, so rock it. There’s nothing wrong with the occasional grooming session to keep things in check, but don’t let feelings about body hair impede your daily activities and even your life. My body hair is mine; it’s a built-in sweater that itches in the summer and shields me in the winter, and I couldn’t be happier.
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NEWS
October 19, 2015
news editor email
Weapons in space are almost globally understood to be dangerous. They could, for instance, damage the International Space Station or another structure if they fell into orbit with them. However, the United States has refused to sign a binding deal that would prevent them from ever sending weapons into space. Russia, China, Canada, and several other countries have agreed to proposals for a treaty prohibiting any country from putting weapons in space, but the United States has refused to join. SFU adjunct professor of International Studies and fellow in International Security Paul Meyer weighed in on the conversation taking a critical view of US policies: “In the Obama
Administration’s June 2010 National Space Policy, it has said it would consider any arms control proposals ‘if they are equitable, effectively verifiable, and enhance the national security of the United States and its allies.’ “The US has, however, not proposed any such measures of its own and has criticized those put forward by Russia and China.” He added, “The US has expressed a preference for political arrangements, such as confidence-building measures (CBMs), but has not been active on behalf of these either. The impression is left that the US does not want to accept any new constraint on its freedom of action in outer space.” Some people are concerned because while countries rely on space technology for scientific research, communication, and space technology, it is possible that a failure to prevent space weaponry could have serious consequences. Meyer says that space warfare not only poses a threat to spatial structures, but could also result in a massive amount of debris that would be obtrusive to prime satellite orbits. According to data from the Union of Concerned Scientists, there are
approximately 1,300 operational satellites in orbit, including 120 American satellites used for military operations. He commented, “As [the US is] the leading spacefaring nation, US opposition to a space weapons ban would make it difficult to achieve such a treaty. Understandably, other space powers would not want to accept constraints on their conduct that would not also bind the US. “There is always the risk that as long as the door to weaponization
The journey for BrainShield began six years ago with a simple question: “How can we improve helmet performance?” By asking this, BrainShield creators SFU post-doctoral fellow Daniel Abram and SFU professors Gary Wang and Farid Golnaraghi of the School of Mechatronic Systems Engineering discovered that the majority of available helmet designs were made and tested only to protect the brain against direct collisions. However, most blows to the head are delivered at an angle, rather than head-on. BrainShield is a decal that can adhere to the outside of a
helmet. It was designed to reduce the risk of Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) that can result from shocks suffered during high-collision sports. TBI is a high risk for serious injury or death, especially among players of sports such as boxing, football, and hockey. The technology has been in development for five years at SFU’s Head Injury Prevention Lab. Now, Abram’s company, Shield-X Technology Inc., prepares to sell the technology on a wider scale. Abram explained in a statement that BrainShield is unique because with trauma to the head there can be a “compression” and “rotation” due to the angle of collision and the decal protects against both of those. Said Abram, “While research studies show that the brain tissues are considerably more sensitive to rotation than compression, the majority of helmets are only designed to protect the
head against compression of the brain.” In addition to its safety features, BrainShield has several other functions. For instance, it glows in the dark for cyclists, and can be customized with a logo for sports teams. Shield-X hopes to soon usecrowdsourcing to fund efforts to produce a higher quantity of the decal for mass distribution. Jacques Chapdelaine, head coach of the SFU Football team, explained how the team began using BrainShield last year. Said Chapdelaine, “the number of these injuries was reduced from 14 in 2013 to only 4 [sic] recorded injuries in 2014.” He continued, “I sincerely believe that using BrainShield was an instrumental element in dramatically reducing the number of head trauma injuries and thus can play an incredible role in a holistic approach aimed at significantly reducing the risk of traumatic brain injuries.”
Melissa Roach news@the-peak.ca
associate news editor
of space is not firmly closed, some irresponsible actor will introduce weapons into this fragile operating environment to the detriment of all users of space,” Meyer added. The United States has supported the EU Code of Conduct for Outer Space Activities, a set of political measures that has run into opposition since being proposed seven years ago. Meyer says that this is mainly from BRICS (Brazil, Russia, India, China, and South Africa) arguing that this type of code
Jamal Dumas
should be negotiated under UN auspices with a clear mandate. “With the EU’s Code proposal stalled and continued US opposition to international legal instruments for prohibiting space weapons, the prospects for obtaining new agreed measures of restraint are dim,” Meyer concluded. Advocates are hopeful that when the UN meets on October 22, the debate over space arms will be considered to be the most prevalent issue of the year.
NEWS
The board unanimously approved a Commitment Letter from the Bank of Nova Scotia regarding financing for the new Student Union Building (SUB). At the SFSS AGM in September, the student body approved a motion that would allow the board to procure a loan for the project to move forward. As such, the board authorized the SFSS to “establish the Credit Facilities and borrow monies from the Lender upon such terms and conditions [. . .] pursuant to the Commitment Letter,” among other items.
There was a brief discussion about the status of the SFSS’s Emergency Food Bank Certificate Program. The program identifies students in financial need and helps them cover the costs of food expenses. It was noted by Business Representative Hangue Kim that over 3,000 students have used the program since it began. Kim suggested looking into improving accessibility to the program and improving the screening process to prevent misuse. VP External Kathleen Yang brought up that the word “emergency” might deter people who may be in financial need, but not in dire circumstances.
The society’s Food and Beverage Services (FBS) has a new mandate in an effort to prevent further deficits. The mandate, passed unanimously, specifies that whereas the FBS currently “has no clear mandate,” it should operate as a profitable business and a report should be drafted about the feasibility of this mandate. VP University Relations Brady Yano explained the reasoning behind the new mandate: “We didn’t want to set the bar at break-even.”
October 19, 2015
Tim Flannery, a professor at the University of Melbourne, recently unpacked the idea that substantial climate action is not only necessary, but absolutely possible. On the night of Oct. 14, the Vancouver Playhouse hosted the lecture that doubled as a launch for Flannery’s new book, Atmosphere of Hope: Searching for Solutions to the Climate Crisis. He shared his views on a relative inaction of the world after the Copenhagen Climate Council, and the enormous scale of humanity’s carbon emissions each year. Over time, forest fires in his home country of Australia have dramatically increased in frequency and severity, and ocean acidification has lead to the widespread death of coral reefs he said. Despite this, the overall message that Flannery wanted to convey was one of hope. “Climate change now is a lived reality for people around the world,” said Flannery, speaking to the fact that climate change is a key issue in the current Canadian federal election. He added that there has been an explosion of green technologies in the recent past. He gave the example of Carbon Engineering — a company based in Calgary — developing a capture method that draws carbon dioxide out of the air and compresses the gas for other uses.
“The fact that we’re seeing all of these announcements, these breakthroughs, gives me great hope,” Flannery said, adding that the minor energy efficiency
upgrades that have been carried out in households across the world have also had a very positive effect on climate change. Later, Andrea Reimer and Ross Beaty joined Flannery on stage after his lecture to discuss the reality of reconciling the economy with environmental initiatives. Reimer is a Vancouver City Counsellor, and has been celebrated for her role in the Greenest City Action Plan that led to Vancouver being named the fourth-greenest city on earth in 2014. Beaty is the Chairman of Pan American Silver Corp, but also has a history of involvement in renewable energy, having founded Magma Energy in 2008 in order to develop geothermal energy. Shauna Sylvester, director of SFU’s Centre for Dialogue, led the three intellectuals in discussion, asking them probing questions about Vancouver’s response to climate change and how the economy will influence it. Beaty commented that the social stigma building against carbon emitters will “withdraw their social license to operate.”
He also added later in the discussion that the decline of fossil fuel industries will be rapid, since there has been a dramatic reduction in cost of solar and wind power over the past decade. Although many British Columbians may think of the provincial economy as resourcebased, Reimer contended that there has been a transition. “We
have learned to take knowledge, which is an infinitely renewable resource, and build our economy on it.” she said, explaining that among other industries, Vancouver has become a hub for art and technology. She also said that the perspectives of unconventional policy makers is invaluable, saying “We need people who won’t make very good politicians running for public office.”
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When asked what he would say to the Prime Minister after Monday’s federal election, Flannery replied “Well, Mr. Mulcair. . .” to laughter and some cheers from the audience. Sylvester revealed an intimate part of Flannery’s relationship with the NDP, telling the audience that he was a pallbearer at Jack Layton’s funeral. Flannery also revealed that former BC Premier Gordon Campbell told Flannery that his previous book, The Weather Makers, had persuaded him to adopt a carbon tax for British Columbia. As a conclusion to the wide-ranging discussion, Sylvester asked for tangible ways that Vancouverites could influence climate change in their own lifestyles. The three agreed that while individuals may not be able to make a huge impact themselves, their efforts are still absolutely necessary. Beaty said that everyone should “be that drop in a bucket,” Flannery adding, “Community leadership in this is extremely important.”
6 NEWS
October 19, 2015
RESEARCH ROUNDUP
The Haida Gwaii Islands off of the northern coast of BC are sometimes called the ‘Canadian Galapagos’ for the scientific interest they inspire. Recent research undertaken by Rolf Mathewes of the SFU Biology Department, along with other researchers who have backgrounds in earth sciences, seems to confirm this label. Focusing on the sea cliffs at Cape Ball on the eastern coast of Haida Gwaii, the research team made significant discoveries in terms of dating the penultimate period of glaciation on Haida Gwaii, along with evidence that shows the presence of large grazing animals on this part of the islands approximately 57,000 years ago. The discovery of large numbers of coprophilous (dung-loving)
spores, along with their sporeproducing bodies, suggests that during the penultimate ice age, there was probably a watering hole that was frequented by large grazing mammals such as caribou, bison, or mammoths. “It’s true serendipity. I wasn’t looking for it, wasn’t expecting it because I’d never seen those spores before on Haida Gwaii, but bang, there they were in large quantities,” explained Mathewes. “Finding these was a real crown on the story; to find these things by accident, almost.” Mathewes was keen to stress that no fossil evidence has been found confirming the presence of mammoths or any of the other large mammals on the islands as of yet in this particular sediment layer. Later fossil evidence, however, proves that there were indeed caribou on the islands. The presence of fossils would be the only thing that could undoubtedly confirm the presence of these large mammals during this time period. A possible new direction for research would be to search for evidence that would prove the types of animals present at the site. The location of the site on the coast
Continue to celebrate SFU’s 50th Anniversary at the Vancouver Campus Open House. From 4–8 p.m. on Oct. 21, there will be free workshops, entertainment, prizes, and more. Workshops include information about programs in continuing studies, business, and communication, as well as info sessions about urban studies and the publishing program at SFU. Be sure to register early to be entered into the prize draw!
allows for storms to erode away the cliff-face, which Mathewes says could lead to the discovery of fossils in the future. If the sea level during this penultimate ice age lowered as much as it did during in the final ice age, large mammals that were present on the mainland could have migrated across Hecate Strait to the islands. There is evidence from previous research that shows that during the last ice age, the Hecate Strait was dry land. This dry land would have served as both a refuge from the glacial ice sheets and a bridge to the island.
Mathewes also discovered fossilized pollen of Calder’s lovage (or licorice root) in the same peat layer as the coprophilous fungi, which was dated to 57,000 years. The presence of pollen from the lovage — which is an endemic plant to Haida Gwaii — strongly suggests that there was at least a portion of the islands that was not covered with ice. This contradicts the theory that some geologists have that the islands were completely covered with ice, and indicates that the natural history of Haida Gwaii is not quite as we thought.
An SFU study has unlocked some new evidence regarding how maple trees produce such a large quantity of sap — and the implications of these findings could mean big things for the maple syrup industry. The study, led by SFU mathematician John Stockie with colleagues Isabell Graf and Maurizio Ceseri, looks into the subject of tree sap exudation (excretion) in sugar maples. The research was developed to find a more concrete answer to why these particular trees continued to produce a lucrative amount of sap even in a leafless state during the winter months. The prevalent theory of the secretion of tree sap attributes exudation to the physical
processes of osmosis and freezethaw cycles, which involve the buildup of gas in sap cells during freezing and results in the release of gas and expansion of the sap as it thaws. However, these models have led to their fair share of unanswered questions and head-scratching over the years. Hoping to close the gap of uncertainty, Stockie and his team designed the first mathematical model of sap exudation as means of resolving the bewilderment linked to the strange case of maple exudation. Stockie justified the need for a mathematical model: “Typically what happens with problems like this — with many different physical mechanisms coupled together and interacting — people have ideas for what could be going on, but the physics is so complex that it’s very difficult to fasten on the correct solution unless you get into the math.” SFU mathematicians worked first on modelling the mechanics of sap exudation on a cellular
level, to understand all the processes that were going on. They then scaled up the cellular processes to arrive at a simpler string of equations, which the computer could then go on to solve. A year later, Stockie and his team discovered three new physical mechanisms that were essential components in tree sap secretion. Additionally, they discovered a connection between exudation and freeze-induced embolism, which causes blockages in sap flow and further damage to the tree itself.
Stockie argued that the model could be greatly helpful to the maple syrup industry. It would, he said, aid in the optimization of sap harvests for syrup producers, and help foresee the potential impacts of climate change on sap yields. For Stockie, though, these findings are only the beginning to unlocking more unanswered questions in the study of sap harvest. He hopes to further pursue this topic over the next two years and continue to unlock more secrets into our beloved national treasure, maple syrup.
Participate in the #MYSFUSURREY campaign to share photos of your Surrey Campus experience, and become a part of the photo gallery in the Grand Hall. This ongoing opportunity wants to highlight your SFU Surrey Campus experience by featuring photos tagged with #MYSFUSURREY posted in the Grand Hall. To enter, follow @sfusurreycampus on Instagram or tweet a picture to @sfusurrey. They also request that you include a brief message about your experience. For those that aren’t into social media but still want to participate, submissions can be emailed to my-sfusurrey@sfu.ca.
NEWS
SFU professors Lynne Quarmby and Stephen Collis have received the Nora and Ted Sterling Prize in Support of Controversy for their involvement in the protesting the Kinder Morgan Trans Mountain Pipeline expansion. The prize, established in 1993, is awarded to individuals that provoke or contribute to the understanding of controversy. Among previous recipients are biologists that studied the origins of HIV, restorative justice advocates, and others from a wide range of disciplines.
In 1994, the first recipient of the Sterling Prize was Parzival Copes, an economist who, in 1961, predicted
October 19, 2015
accurately and unpopularly that Newfoundland’s economy wouldn’t be able to support its population if fisheries declined. In October 2014, Quarmby and Collis, along with several other protesters, were sued for $5.6 million in damages due to their obstruction of surveying work being conducted on Burnaby Mountain. In his trial, some of Collis’ poetry was read in court. Collis joked to the audience that, “It was a good day for poetry, even if it was a bad day for this one poet.” The conflict over the pipeline received major media attention when an injunction was granted to Kinder Morgan, which resulted in the eventual arrest of over 100 protesters, including Quarmby. By then, Quarmby already had a history of climate change activism. In 2012, the biochemist was arrested while blocking coal trains on the railway in front of the White Rock Pier. The surveying work for the expansion concluded in December of that year, and resulted in 15 trees being cut down along with other damage to the forest. After receiving the awards, Quarmby and Collis each spoke,
detailing the ways that climate change and corporate influence on democracy are related. Collis explained, “If what Lynne and I have done constitutes anything controversial, it is so only because of the problematic state of our current democracy.” Quarmby elaborated, saying, “we have slowly signed away our sovereignty,” speaking to the degree that trade agreements have taken away the government’s ability to act on climate change. She continued
that democratic reform is paramount to address these challenges: “We need to change the culture of parliament.” Speaking about her decision to run in the current federal election as MP for the Green Party of Canada, Quarmby said that when Elizabeth May called to recruit her, “I knew immediately: ‘Oh no, I don’t have any choice.’” She continued to say that her options to oppose the pipeline as a citizen had been
UBC increases international tuition
U of S student explores new oral cancer treatment [SASKATOON] — University of Saskatchewan dentistry student Dania Alkhani is implementing a new approach to oral cancer treatment that uses colon cancer research procedures. She aims to find a non-invasive way of killing oral cancer cells using synthesized drugs. “We have a compound that is very potent, meaning that it is very effective in terms of killing oral cancer cells. All we have to do now is improve its selectivity,” she explained. Alkhani will present her team’s research work at the American Dental Association Conference happening in Washington, DC.
With files from The Sheaf
[VANCOUVER] — UBC announced on October 14 that international tuition fees for most of the programs will increase by 46.8 per cent over the next three years. These increases are because of a Board of Governors’ intention to keep international fees “at levels that reflect UBC’s standing as a global university and the value of a UBC degree.” The board also said that the fee increase will “support the mission and excellence of the University,” as well as bring the university in line with international fees at other schools like the University of Toronto and McGill University. The increases are planned to be carried out in three stages. Current students will not be affected by the tuition hike for the duration of their program, as the hike only applies after they have arrived at UBC. Student consultation will provide feedback for the Board of Governors to review later in the year. With files from The Ubyssey
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exhausted. Even so, Quarmby recognized that she had been criticized by some of her former allies, saying that “somehow, I went over to the dark side by becoming a part of the system.” However, the solutions to the tangled problems of corporate influence and climate change are not simple or clear. Collis explained that we should encourage all forms of engagement, because “there is no single solution” to the problems Canada is facing.
New initiative aids engineers getting involved in entrepreneurship [OTTAWA] — The University of Ottawa’s Faculty of Engineering has just launched a new initiative to support women in computer science and engineering programs. Women’s Startup Network uses peer mentorship to encourage women to pursue entrepreneurial opportunities. The network was founded by Hanan Anis alongside Catherine Elliott and Catherine Mavriplis and arose from a lack of women in these technical programs. Mentors will work with 11 students on their projects to further their entrepreneurship and interpersonal communication skills. “This experience that the program offers is one of a kind,” said mentor Lethania Martinez. She explained the importance of being able to navigate the business world: “technical is not enough anymore. Entrepreneurship is a must, now.” With files from The Fulcrum
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OPINIONS
My ex’s brother tried to give me relationship advice at a party about a year ago. He told me to expect 40 per cent but always give 60 per cent. It was one of the keys to a relationship — always giving more than you expect in return. If both partners are consistently operating around these percentages, there is some kind of balance that can be achieved. So what could possibly go wrong? I think somewhere along the line, his 60 per cent fell and my 40 per cent rose. These changes
did not work well together; we lost balance pretty quickly. Inevitably, I began longing for more while he began longing for less, and the give-and-take began morphing into a game of push and pull.
On October 5, an article written in The Peak regarding the hashtag #ShoutYourAbortion taught me two things. The first is that the author possess a strong heart and good intentions. The second is that a fruitful dialogue can be constructed from engaging with the concerns in the article. The piece touches on a myriad of concerns, but I want to focus on a general theme — namely, the false dilemma epitomized in the claim that “abortion is about escaping an impossible situation.” The implication is that some pregnant women are backed against a wall with no easy way out: abortion or having a child she can’t support. For example, we might imagine the worst: the parents are tyrants, the ‘boyfriend’ only stayed one night, the stack of bills races the stack of school work to the ceiling, and, by sheer bad luck, a meteor recently impaled the woman’s apartment. In nine months, a baby arrives. Abortion resolves one of these worries.
Now the author claims that if anti-abortion advocates care for children, they should advocate for surrounding issues like greater health care or whatnot. This is true, but it also illuminates why abortion or letting a mother and child suffer aren’t the only options in ‘impossible situations’ — hence the false dilemma. The third choice is to address the problem, which is why antiabortion advocates promote crisis pregnancy centers that provide support for women where there is none. This option is not necessarily easier than the others, but it is there and it is an escape from “impossible situations.” A woman isn’t forced to choose her life over her baby’s. More on “impossible situations.” The existence of these situations points to deeper failings in society, whether they be the economy, health care, or even in not being loved by one’s parents. But abortion solves none of these things. The parents are still tyrannical, the ‘boyfriend’ isn’t coming back, bills and work still race, and that meteor won’t move itself. In destigmatizing abortion, we not only promote a decision that solves little, but also add to our woes if a human being is killed. #ShoutYourAbortion is actually rather depressing: it’s an indicator of the destitution of society that
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I liked the equation at the time I heard it, but I’ve since then changed my mind. My father told me he had a conversation with a friend in which it was discussed that in a relationship, you do not date the
opinions editor email
Adam Van der Zwan opinions@the-peak.ca
person; instead, you date their best version. Because if you’re truly in love with somebody, you want to be the best version of yourself that you can for that person. I am proposing a new percentage ratio. Give 150 per cent, and expect 100. If you really love somebody, and I mean the madly, deeply, Grey’s Anatomy “pick me, choose me, love me,” kind of love, you’re going to put everything you possibly can into the person you’re with. At the same time, there should be some expectation that your partner is at least going to attempt to do the same. However, there’s a trick to all these methods surrounding expectations, and sometimes it can throw an entire balance off. Sometimes, when we expect the 100, or even the 40, we expect it to be shown in a certain way. Often there’s a correlation between the way in which we give love and how we expect to receive it, which can have dangerous outcomes. I’ve learned a lot about
what it means to love somebody over the past few years, and that how somebody chooses to love me will often look completely different. Sometimes, the differences between how each partner chooses to love can define the course of a relationship, including the end of it. Perhaps that is what defined the end of mine. We loved each other in ways that made it difficult for the other to recognize. Back then, I wanted the kind of love that was all-consuming, which was something I began to push for, and he wanted a love that was simpler, perhaps a little less scary — so he began to pull away. We all love each other differently; sometimes it works, sometimes it crumbles. But I think in order for it to ever work, it should be okay to expect more than 40 per cent, and if that’s being given, it’s just a matter of recognizing how. At the time, I thought I could have loved him for the rest of my life, but I see now it’s okay he could have only loved me for right then.
Prof: [Asks question] Student: “I don’t remember.” Prof: “You don’t remember? I’m 73. And I remember.” “Yeah, gourds. You know, those really phallic, warty things?” “My mom doesn’t even have her period anymore!” “I don’t want poo. I want sex.” “I don’t think you’d have a problem not crying for the rest of your life [. . .] so you’d have a couple kidney stones, big deal!” “We’re serious journalists. We don’t have to be attractive.” ironically draws attention away from it. I can address one rebuttal here: “Jean-luc, you too are talking about abortion. Aren’t you also distracting from the surrounding issues?” Guilty as charged. In some sense I am. But seeing as how I believe that human life is lost in abortion and that funding for abortion could be put toward alleviating the causes of actual “impossible situations,” I cannot see a true contradiction. As soon as abortion is illegal, I’ll happily vote left. The fact is that #ShoutYourAbortion reeks of tragedy. Abortion might allow one to escape
part of an impossible situation, but it does not resolve that situation. It screams of our societal destitution but detracts from an answer. Furthermore, it distracts from the real question at hand: Is abortion an act that kills a human being? The answer to this question implies serious consequences: If pro-choicers are right, then I am a misogynist fighting against women’s rights. If I am right, however, then pro-choicers support the killing of almost 65,000 Canadians in 2010, and much closer to 100,000 annually in the years prior to this. I prefer to risk being a misogynist.
“Hmmm. . . I think balls are like an accessory to the penis.” [Student points at photo of prime minister] “Who is this guy?” “There were no hoes at my Bar Mitzvah, there was just a shitty DJ...” “What does she have a bag of dildos for?” “Well, someone has to be the dildo fairy!” Compiled by The Peak
OPINIONS
A man’s ballsack is the perfect encapsulation of the incredibly sad irony that is conventional masculinity — it’s painfully sensitive, weak, and very easily crushed. Today, there are some fascinating characteristics ingrained in the typical male psyche. Along with a genetically inherent conversation-list comprising of how many women we can bang, and who’s wrestling on TV tonight, masculinity includes a ‘confident’ male strut comprised of a straight back, stiff neck, rigid arms, and a slight bounce in step. For men, it’s simple. It’s inherent that all of us defy the way our bodies naturally move so that we can show how tough we are by walking as if we have large sticks up our rear-ends. Now, here’s a shocker: we’re creative beings, we have emotions,
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we construct fiction. And that’s simply what being a bro is — a sadly constructed visage of sensitivity disguised as a 12-inch dick. Thankfully, I consciously don’t subscribe to conventional masculinity, other than maybe in some of the clothes I wear. I wouldn’t classify myself as feminine either. I’m not a ‘hipster.’ Maybe I’m a little geeky. But I prefer to label my culture as ‘Adam;’ in other words, I don’t really fit anywhere, and I’m pretty satisfied with this. However, because I don’t act in every usual sense a ‘bro,’ people react incredibly sensitively. Other men seem helplessly confused by me, especially those who adamantly classify themselves as your typical ‘dude,’ or who are otherwise simply struggling to understand the meaning of masculinity in general, much less their own. Sadly, bros often label my masculinity as ‘not quite right,’ a phrase which they usually equate to ‘not manly enough,’ ‘just weird,’ or ‘he’s not like me so he must be gay!’ Ironically, while they judge, they’re the ones who frantically sweat bullets to maintain their own appearances. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t say I’m holier than thou, as in the past I’ve sadly judged other men in the
same manner (and felt horrible about it afterwards). Though I’m ashamed to relay it, during a ‘bro’ conversation, I’m typically given a borderline objectification about a “hot chick” within the first five minutes. If I actively agree with these lovely pleasantries, then both us dudes can breathe a sigh of relief and the conversation can continue comfortably (with frequent comments on how hot we find lesbian porn of course). However, if I don’t readily engage, then I’ve simply crossed a line
Want to have your creative writing published in a real live magazine? The Tartan is accepting original poetry and prose submissions from now until November 9, 2015. Send your writing in to tartan@the-peak.ca today!
that no proper man dares to cross. Eye-contact is immediately averted, feet shift uncomfortably, the topic is desperately changed to something more ‘masculine’ so the uncomfortable party can feel better about himself. He even adjusts his physical posture to uphold the self-assurance that he’s ‘not gay’ — because for some reason sexuality is brought into the picture. This is when I realize that men are so easily infringed upon; masculinity is incredibly fragile, and so horribly
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grounded in homophobia that it’s laughable. Men, I’m sorry you exhaust yourselves being terrified of societal pressure, but I’m tired of how you all mindlessly act the same; how most of you don’t even realize how ridiculous this is, or maybe you’re simply afraid to. Drop the prosthetics and grow a real pair of balls; be open-minded, accepting, treat women with respect, treat people with respect, try to embrace your intelligence and emotions, talk to a man who doesn’t fit your stereotype, and do so without feeling as if your brittle masculine shell will shatter to bits if someone sees you. But of course you don’t want to read any of this, so I’ll conclude this article in your favour. Remember: to express your masculinity in any unconventional way is unequivocally wrong. You won’t be successful, you won’t find a relationship. Don’t leave your house without flipping your cap backwards, securing your jeans below your ass, and making plans with the boys tonight to drink so much Pabst that you give yourself and the next guy alcohol poisoning. Me? As the confident man I am, I’ll be gladly marathoning Orange is the New Black, while chugging back a double long-island ice tea with an extra slice of lemon. Thanks!
10 OPINIONS
Sex is often thought of as a physical act between two people. However, a huge part of that act is actually composed of what each self desires. Artificial intelligence engineer Douglas Hines has developed the first human-sized, interactive sex robot, named Roxxxy. Roxxxy will be able to “carry on a discussion and [express] her love to you. She can talk to you, listen to you and feel your touch,” according to the company’s website. Dr. Kathleen Richardson, a robot anthropologist at England’s De Montfort University, recently released a paper arguing that sex robots would be “detrimental” to society, as they could replace physical human relationships. I don’t believe that robots could replace human relationships at all — in fact, sex robots could be a great tool for personal exploration of one’s sexual preferences. We are all attracted to and turned on by different people or things. Some people like to be touched or kissed in specific places. Some enjoy BDSM or role play. Others may prefer oral or anal sex. There are so many ways that having sex can play out, and even more ways to personally feel pleasure. This is why we masturbate.
Sex toys such as dildos exist for enhancing this personal experience. However, so many people have trouble communicating with their partner about their sexual preferences. Often, many people don’t even know what they like or don’t like, simply because they haven’t bothered to find out for themselves! We live in a culture where an idealistic version of sex is portrayed by the media as exciting and passionate, where two people are in sync and reach orgasm at precisely the same time. But in reality, sex doesn’t usually work that way. It takes time, effort, and communication to have a mutually gratifying sexual experience between partners. Sex robots like Roxxxy can provide a means of self exploration on a human body. It would allow people to discover how pleasuring others can give themselves a sense of pleasure. And since Roxxy is designed to be a communicative and sympathetic partner, it could also be a positive model of open communication with partners as well. Hines states, “We are not supplanting the wife or trying to replace a girlfriend, [. . .] the physical act of sex will only be a small part of the time you spend with a sex robot — the majority of time will be spent socialising and interacting.” At the end of the day, a robot is still a robot. It’s a piece of technology that is supposed to enhance an aspect of real life, and there is nothing detrimental about that.
October 19, 2015
It’s one of the most critical times during your relationship: the one-year anniversary. You’ve meticulously blueprinted the evening — the scrumptious home-cooked dinner, scintillating conversation, and scented candles illuminating your bedroom’s subdued lighting. The night progresses smoothly, and soon, wrapped in blazing passion, your accelerating heartbeat synchronizes with the internal cooling system for your partner’s unfeeling metal insides. 365 days ago, you paid thousands of dollars for your very own sex robot. Companies like TrueCompanion have been developing humanoid machines designed to ‘scratch the itch,’ complete with personalities and customizable appearances. While these marionettes’ makers are pleased with their seductive Frankenstein’s monsters, robotics experts and cognitive scientists raise serious ethical concerns. As important as sexual gratification is, I’m going to have to join those experts with a bucket of ice and serious misgivings about this ‘technological advancement.’ “Robots are a product of human consciousness and creativity and human power relationships are reflected in [their. . .] design,” writes robot anthropologist Dr. Kathleen Richardson, from the Campaign Against Sex Robots. I’m honestly scared of what’s reflected in the demand for sexual partners with zero capacity to deny consent or act against the customer’s wishes.
Mass-producing these dolls risks reinforcing and normalizing sexual relationships where only one participant’s desires matter. You might argue that defending robot rights is ridiculous, but this isn’t about robots; it’s about what they say about us as people. Companies have defended the product by proposing uses beyond the sexual, claiming that robots would mainly be used for socialising. That’s very nice, but it should go without saying that to ‘Netflix and chill’ with the equivalent of iOS 5 is hardly a healthy way to deal with loneliness, heartbreak, or grief. If anything, it draws people into unhealthy dependencies, distracting them from actual recovery strategies, and damaging their ability to experience empathetic connections. The robots are even being suggested as a crime reduction method. “Child-like robots could be used for paedophiles the way methadone is used to treat drug addicts,” speculates Ron Arkin, director of Georgia Tech’s Mobile Robot Lab. This justification rankles on multiple levels. Sex crimes are not something a person can just get out of their system, and to treat them as such is to grossly trivialize some of the most heinous human acts. “It’s just another sex toy,” some might say. But most sex toys don’t embody the forms of glorified sex slaves. They don’t endanger our ability to reach out to real people in times of emotional need. They don’t dismiss sexual abuse as something comparable to anger released by screaming into a pillow. These robots are a menace, and we need to stop marveling at the novelty and treat them as such.
OPINIONS
While student press has suffered the same shrinking industry that larger newspapers have been plagued by over the last decade, I’d argue that now is the most important time for student news to be in circulation — not for the students and faculty (and mostly parents and interviewees) to read, but for the writers and editors themselves. For all the hype that SFU gives its co-op program, The Peak (and similar student papers across the country) doesn’t get the credit it deserves. It allows writers to foster their journalistic skills by conducting real
The Killers once vaguely quoted Hunter S. Thompson with, “Are we human, or are we dancer?” Contrastingly, the Calgary-based mobile app Peeple asked upon its inception, ‘are we human, or are we restaurants?’ But after a storm of outrage and criticism, as The Guardian reported on October 6, the app has been completely overhauled to remove its controversial aspects. It leaves an empty shell of an app behind. Originally, Peeple allowed people to rate other people similar to how restaurants are rated on apps like Yelp. There would have been a 48-hour period before negative reviews would be made public to allow the parties involved to work out the issues that would have lead to the negative review. This window would also have allowed the person making the review an opportunity to change their initial negative review to a
October 19, 2015
interviews, write their own articles that aren’t for a grade but for people to actually read, and ultimately get a sense of what it feels like to have their writing commit to news forever. We can be lauded, or we can be ripped apart in a comments section. Our work can be nominated for awards, or get us sued. We can see our work help push for real change, and, as in my experience with my prior newspaper, we can get it banned from restaurant chains because they “can’t publish stuff like this in a family-friendly establishment!” (In their defense, publishing an article with the phrase “toy-filled fuck-hole” wasn’t family-friendly in the slightest.) The bottom line is that everything that you end up reading from a student newspaper comes directly from people who are not only struggling to go to their early morning classes, but who are getting a sense of what it is like to work in the fabled real world,
positive one. Finally, as a way to reduce needless harassment, the app would have required users to login using their Facebook and to provide a contact number. Unfortunately, this has all been changed. The app now only allows for positive reviews, and this is undoubtedly a bad thing. If you want someone to always tell you that you’re a perfect human no matter what, you’d do best to call your mother. It is a universal truth that not everybody is going to like you. While the idea of rating other people on a system that is solely based on subjective factors may seem somewhat repellent, it’s actually something that we do everyday. Yet in our daily lives we aren’t given the opportunity to learn what other people don’t like about us, and we can’t grow based on their criticism. While the Internet is known for shady message boards, subreddits, Twitter feuds, and whatever else, most of these forums are anonymous. Peeple, in its original state, aimed to remove this anonymity. While it would have been possible to create a fake Facebook account and phone number to review a person, the person on the receiving end of that review would know that the reviewer is not an actual person. This would have allowed the receiver to
where there isn’t a safety net to stop you from doing a bad job. I’ve been lucky enough to work for a student paper the last five years now, first as an editor with The Reflector, at Mount Royal University, and now with The Peak as a contributor. I can say confidently
either call reviewer out, or write a response to the negative review. While the criticisms that caused the app to change were rooted in the ability to give another person a negative review, the issue seems to be less about the app and more a symptom of our current societal state. There is now a distinct trend towards praising people for the slightest things they do, while preventing them from experiencing the harsh realities of failure. The real world doesn’t allow for this to happen 100 per cent of the time. In reality, nobody cares that you remembered to clean your cat’s litter box, and your boss doesn’t care that you had insomnia if you slept in and missed that conference call with Japan. Many times, when you do something that you are supposed to do, you won’t receive praise. Likewise, when you fail at something, oftentimes you are not allowed make up for it. Peeple tried to toughen us up by removing some of the bubble wrap that society has placed around itself. Unfortunately, it was suffocated by our society, and became chronically nice instead of honest. So until another app tries to challenge this mentality, we can only hope to distinguish between whether we are human or dancer.
that the skills you learn aren’t just valuable for someone in the communication field, but anyone who could benefit from improved writing skills, critical thinking, and working on a short deadline. These are the attributes you would want to walk away from your
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classes with, but ultimately don’t have to pay hundreds of dollars for. They aren’t dependent on if your prof or TA knows what they are doing, and they aren’t something you get to put on for four months just to try and get through with a better mark. It also looks way better on your resume because you’re getting involved in campus life. On top of that, though, it’s maybe one of the best ways to feel associated with campus. SFU has a reputation of having no culture, but it seems to me that this university is a place where you are rewarded for what you put in. What better way to feel like you belong than to report on the successes and struggles of the place you’re calling home? It can be intimidating to think of beginning work at a campus newspaper, but at a time where trying to get any advantage is a premium for students, there’s no question where to start. It’s time to stop reading this article, and start writing your own.
Nothing screams autumn more than apples; the perfect fall fruit that can be baked into pies, eaten right from the tree, turned into crumbles, or accompanied with pork. But the perfect thing that versatile and humble apples can be turned into is cider. Cider is the nectar of the gods. It fills your heart with warmth, comfort, and a sudden urge to wear flannel with a toque, then jump into a
massive pile of leaves. In all its family-friendly glory, this one drink can capture fall in a mug. On the other hand, these feelings could also come from hard cider, in all its alcohol-filled wonder. The only difference is that you might skip the flannel and toque and just jump right into the leaves. Either way, whether your drink is family-friendly or adults-only, you win.
So what if it is made with real pumpkin? Have you ever eaten plain pumpkin? Spoiler alert, it’s kind of gross. But put some cinnamon, clove, allspice, and nutmeg, then place it all in a pie shell, and boom! You end up with the most perfect of pies. Pumpkin pie pairs perfectly with coffee. In other words, pie on a plate, coffee in a cup. When someone got lazy and decided to put the two together in one cup, his was a terrible idea.
Mixed together, you wind up with something that tastes like regret and the slow death of all the plants heralding the coming of winter. The pumpkin spice latte doesn’t celebrate everything that is good about fall; it emphasizes the sadness of the season. It also encourages you to stay indoors, in a climate-controlled, leaf-free cafe, ‘liking’ Instagrams of fall weather without actually experiencing it.
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ARTS
arts editor email
October 19, 2015
Tessa Perkins arts@the-peak.ca
Album Reviews
Artist: Head of the Herd Album: Birds on the Roof Birds on the Roof is local Vancouver band Head of the Herd’s third album, and is a follow-up to their hugely successful 2013 record, By This Time Tomorrow . Lead vocalist Neu Mannas and co-founder Clay Frank have created more of their signature bluesy alternative rock tracks to accompany their storytelling lyrical style. The album was recorded in four different locations — Wales, Georgia, England, and Vancouver — with five different producers: Ian Davenport (Band of Skulls), Ben Kaplan, Mark Neill (The Black Keys), Garth “Gggarth” Richardson (Red Hot Chili Peppers), and Head of the Herd’s very own Mannas. They went to such lengths because, according to the band in a press release, “whatever is best for the song is the path we take [. . .] We knew these songs were special, and would go to any length to get that across.”
Artist: The Zolas Album: Wino Oracle
Wino Oracle successfully blends electronic-influenced sounds with The Zolas’ familiar piano-and-guitar harmonies. The Vancouver-bred group seems to discover a new tone to display on each of their albums that not only keeps old fans wearing
Birds on the Roof is a brilliantly crafted showcase of Mannas’ unique, gravelly vocal ability. It’s chock-full of extensive musical riffs that show the talent and ability of both Mannas and Frank. Featuring everything from punchy bass lines to sultry rock and heartfelt, melodic slow songs, the album will satisfy whatever musical craving hits your palate. “I’m a Mother” is the perfect introduction song to Head of the Herd’s style. Musically tight with choice instrumental spotlights and a hint of rebellion — “Don’t you tell us what to do / we will always fight” — it sets the tone for the rest of the album. The up-tempo, danceable “Live for Love” follows with stellar bass and a groove that leads you nicely into the slightly more upbeat rock song, “Every Single Day.” Don’t let that track fool you, though. Soon enough, it gets back down to the rock of the matter. “Gone Too Far” and “The World is at a Loss Without You” are the more ballad-type numbers on the record. Melodic, rhythmic, and soulful are the best ways to describe these tracks. “Giving Tree” and “This Could Be a Trap” channel the feel of By This Time Tomorrow’s “Take Ten Steps” and “Elizabeth” with its high-tempo, catchiness, and energetic angst. All in all, whether you’re partying or staying in, studying or looking to jam out, Birds on the Roof is an excellent companion.
By Courtney Miller
out their CDs, but also attracts indie-rock listeners from across the globe. This album is the band’s first entirely self-produced collection, worked through at pianist Tom Dobrzanski’s Monarch Studios. With new members Cody Hiles on drums and DJ Abell on the turntable, this is a time of change and excitement for the band, which is reflected in the music. The addition of a DJ to the lineup throws a bit more pop into the self-categorized “piano prog-pop” that The Zolas are famous for. The synth has a defined, almost subtle, presence in the melodies. The best way the music can be described overall is colourful and cheerful with melancholic undertones: the at-times hard guitar is balanced out by the ever-present piano, along with lead singer Zachary Gray’s vocals. If this release foreshadows the upcoming full-length Swooner accurately, longtime fans and newfound listeners alike might find themselves going so far as to pre-order the LP. Compared to 2012’s hit “Knot in My Heart,” the most recent single “Fell in Love with New York” boasts the incorporation
Artist: Emilie & Ogden Album: 10,000 For Emilie Kahn, it all started one fateful day when a harp was wheeled into one of her choir sessions at music school. Immediately drawn to its distinctive shape and sound, she craved to know more about the instrument and the wonders it held. On a whim, Kahn went in search of harp lessons; pursuing a gut instinct that this instrument in particular was inherently unique from the others she had played in the past. After only a couple months, she purchased an Ogden brand harp, and the rest, as they say, is history. Kahn dreamed throughout her teens of producing an album one day, and now the Montreal-based songstress has seen her dream materialize with her premiere album, 10,000. Emilie & Ogden’s 10,000 bears a striking resemblance to something you might hear in a Starbucks coffee shop or an independently produced
film by Zach Braff. The album encapsulates the feeling of a soft affectionate daydream and the warm embrace of a lover. Emilie & Ogden’s beautiful instrumentals are a sweet serenade of evocative bliss and longing that will leave listeners thoroughly relaxed and all the more thoughtful. Every verse and chorus paints vivid and spurring imagery; each song is a story unfolding to its listener. The title track and opener of the album does not disappoint, and sets the tone for the whole experience. Songs such as “White Lies” and “Nothing New” show off a masterful unification of well-written lyrics coupled with magnificent harp instrumentals. The concluding lullaby, titled “Dream,” which draws the curtains on the melancholy LP with a pleasing note. As a whole, the album is seamless; each song follows after the other, never feeling out of place. If it has one fault, it is that not every track stands out on its own. While there are no poorly produced tracks on the LP, there are no exceptional songs that truly stand out from the whole experience, with exception of the song “10,000.” Regardless, it is at best a nitpick in the end, which does little to sully the melodically moving premiere album. Simply put, Emilie & Ogden dazzle in their debut leaving their audience with the best kind of longing that can be achieved: the yearning to hear more.
By Justin Stevens
of synthetic beats that perfectly complement Gray’s distinct voice. Guitar plays a prominent role in both these singles, although the strings in “Knot in My Heart” portray a rawer image. The new single keeps up with the optimistic vibe of Wino Oracle, and this time the guitar provides a more organic feel. It almost sounds like hand drums come in at the chorus, adding a borderline tropical energy that is carried throughout the song by the synthesizer, whereas the 2012 song had slightly denser — although very engaging — verses. Their previous full-length albums Ancient Mars and Tic Toc Tic both contrast this release nicely and prove that The Zolas are constantly evolving. Less piano presence than Tic Toc Tic, and more pop than DJ-less Ancient Mars, Wino Oracle keeps up with the times and provides a breath of fresh air at a time when many popular tunes fail to stand out.
arts@the-peak.ca By Michelle Waddington
ARTS
October 19, 2015
FF
Some Assembly Required is a Canadian comedy series created by Dan Signer ( A.N.T. Farm , Mr. Young ) and Howard Nemetz ( Mr. Young , The Suite Life of Zack & Cody), and produced by Thunderbird Films. After a chemistry set from Knickknack Toys blows up his house, Jarvis Raines sues the company and becomes its CEO overnight. He hires his friends and some people from his school to help him run the company, and their adventures become increasingly zany and humorous. You always hear that acting is glamorized, repetitive work, and I got to see that in action close-up for the first time at this live taping. 16-year-old Kolton Stewart and 19-year-old Harrison Houde (playing best friends Jarvis Raines and Bowie Sherman, respectively) were just a couple feet away from me, executing their lines with such ease, even with starry-eyed fans huddled around them. The directors had a whole line-up of scenes they wanted to finish filming within four and a half hours. Each scene was filmed quite a number of times to get a good array of shots for the editing team to work with, but the actors were all very patient. It was amazing to see how professional they were, and how each actor carried him or herself. In between the filming, an emcee came out to entertain the audience. He generally kept the atmosphere light and fun and hosted little contests, gave away prizes, and had the audience tweet or snap selfies for social media. He also gave the audience inside scoops and
stories about the industry. The crew took exceedingly good care of the audience, providing everyone with bottles of water and giving out free pizza around dinner time. There were meet-andgreets with the stars and autograph signings after the filming wrapped. It was a wonderful experience to get a peek into the film industry, and I left with a pretty good impression of the hardworking folks that make fantasy a reality. While there, I caught up with Kolton Stewart. Quieter and more reserved than his character, Stewart was still a friendly and engaging interviewee. The Peak: How would you say your character has changed from the first season? Kolton Stewart: [Jarvis] has changed in his maturity level. In the first season, he was so into toys; he was very businessdriven. He’s now getting into himself more; he’s in a relationship with Piper now. P: You started out with singing and have even performed on The Ellen Degeneres Show. Will your music be involved in Some Assembly Required? KS: There’s a lot of music involved, especially in season three. We love putting music into our show; we have a really good time. P: How was your audition process? KS: It was awesome. The first audition, I actually auditioned for the role of Aster, and then they called me back to do the role of Jarvis. I auditioned this in Toronto, then they flew me out to Vancouver where they had the last two people for each character, and then I got the role. P: If you could give some of your fans a tour around Vancouver, where would you go? KS: Squamish. I love Squamish. I haven’t been to Whistler yet, but I heard it’s really great. Grouse Mountain is great. There’s this really nice breakfast spot called Dutch Wooden Shoe Cafe. Me and my friends like to hang out at the parks to play football and tennis.
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FOOD FIGHT
IKEA is amazing. It is filled to the rafters with enough affordable flat-pack furniture to keep marriage counselors in business until the sun swallows the planets whole, and a showroom that can keep even those with the shortest attention span occupied for a whole day testing out various chairs, beds, and sofas. This is what IKEA is known for, but what about their insanely affordable food in the cafeteria? The idea of starting with something basic and adding on items to personalize it is a concept that is used for IKEA’s food as well as their furniture. Beginning with a basic plate and adding on extra items to build your meal seems an expensive way to eat, but IKEA has perfected this method, and the extras are priced just as affordably as the basic plate. Take breakfast, for example: you start with a basic plate that includes scrambled eggs, two sausages, and hash browns. There is then the option to add on waffles, French toast, pancakes, bacon, cinnamon rolls, cake, and for some strange reason, salad and soup. There is also a very respectable selection of drinks as well. Depending on how many extras you add on and are willing to pay for, you can eat breakfast for less than $10. The same applies to their lunch and dinner menu. You pick a basic plate of fish and chips, meatballs, veggie balls, or pasta, and work your way up from there. There is the option to add steamed veggies to these basic plates along with salad, soup, and dessert. One other shocking yet pleasant perk of eating in the IKEA cafeteria is that it is licensed, meaning you can have beer or wine to accompany your lunch or dinner. There are also pre-made sandwiches if meatballs aren’t your thing, and, again, many options for under $10. While I have always been somewhat skeptical of very cheap
food, the grub that they have in the IKEA cafeteria is highly underrated. While it may not compare to a fancy brunch or dinner in Gastown, for the price point, it is exceptional. You go there and know exactly what you are getting. There is no worry that your favourite dish will have been removed from the menu, or that the price will have skyrocketed due to an increased cost for the purchaser of a smaller restaurant. If the thought of eating food at an establishment known more for making the table that
you serve dinner on than the food you are serving makes you uneasy, go out for lunch or dinner and try the meatballs. There is something about the combination of lingonberry preserves with gravy on those little balls that just gets to you. There is also the option of buying the frozen meatballs, gravy mix, and preserves from the grocery store section and making them at home — in case being close to the showroom means that you will leave IKEA with an entirely new living room.
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October 19, 2015
A collection of essays that have their subjects determined by the letters of the alphabet doesn’t sound particularly like the groundwork for an enjoyable read, but comedian Charles Demers manages to make it so in The Horrors: An A to Z of Funny Thoughts on Awful Things. We are now in a new age of political correctness that causes us to feel some guilt laughing at certain topics, such as Nazis and depression — both of which are covered in this book, but Demers shifts the focus from the actual subjects to his own experiences with them. This takes away the awkwardness and guilt of the laugh that sometimes slips out in response to a tasteless joke.
That is not to say that these essays don’t deal with difficult topics; it is, after all, in the book’s subtitle that these are awful things. But Demers manages to inject humour into the entire awful alphabet. The more difficult entries such as “M for Motherlessness” are equal in hilarity to entries like “G for Golf.” This is a talent that Demers manages to make seem effortless. The most refreshing change came not from Demers’ candid and honest thoughts on a whole host of political, social, and personal issues, but from his entry for the letter X. He chose not to write about a xylophone, an x-ray, or xenophobia (though he did touch on this in the essay), he picked xanthan gum: a seemingly innocuous food additive that is in everything from salad dressing to bread. He focused less on this strange product, and more on the food industry itself. Given the current state of food labeling, this essay is both timely and relevant and seems like it will prove to be for some time. The collection also maintains a strong sense of continuity
throughout. Beginning with “A for Adolescence” and ending with “Z for Zzz,” Demers builds from the previous letters. So although you can quite easily open the book to a random letter and enjoy whichever essay you stumble across, you run the risk of
not getting the full picture if you don’t read the preceding letters of the alphabet. All in all, Charles Demers’ The Horrors: An A to Z of Funny Thoughts on Awful Things is a must read. It acknowledges that life isn’t always rainbows
and unicorns; it recognizes that sometimes life just plain sucks, but also that this is okay. There are really only two options: laugh about it or cry about it. Demers chooses to laugh, and, if given the opportunity, you should laugh with him.
As part of their 65th anniversary celebrations, Massey Theatre presented an innovative new-age gala to encourage diversity and collaboration in the community theatre arts. Walking to the Massey Theatre, I realized I had no idea exactly what kind of event I was attending. The description on their promotional pieces and press releases included words like gala, celebration, diversity, and performances. I found my seat with only a vague idea of what kinds of performances
waited behind the stage’s majestic red curtains. The night proved to be a charming and enticing program: local artists of different cultural practices, ages, and walks of life were paired with one another in a challenge to perform whilst complimenting both of their abilities. It was like a cultural battle of the bands, except instead of battling against each other, they strived to create unforgettable works together. This collaboration of the arts summarized the last 65 years of the Massey Theatre: “A catalyst for an expressive community and a stage where any dream is possible,” as stated in their vision statement. It’s a place where all sorts of different talents and artists have graced the stage to establish a community spirit that actively exists today. Act One included dance, song, and rhythm, but there was much more unique depth than what those words could possibly encompass. The show
kicked off with a collaboration between a young rising ballet dancer, Sebastian Pateman, and the artistic director of Lamondance, Davi Rodrigues. Their performance was called “Journeys in Dance — Miles Traveled,” a blend of traditional and contemporary dance. The complexity of the performance increased as it progressed, beginning with a beautiful solo act by Pateman followed by a more intricate acrobatic and storytelling dance by Rodrigues and nine additional dancers. Next on the program was “Miraculous Voices,” an enchanting taste of Broadway by Jolene Bernardino, a senior high school student active in the musical performing arts community, and pianist/ vocal coach Kerry O’Donovan. This performance captured the different generations and levels of experience coming together to celebrate two powerful, animated voices. They sang a couple of duets, but my
personal favourite was Bernardino’s solo version of “My Man” from Funny Girl, a song that accented her incredible vocal range and talent. To finish off act one, Jesse Cahill and Amika Kushwaha swooped in and made jaws drop with a stunning rhythmic performance. Cahill, an accomplished jazz drummer, and Kushwaha, a master of kathak, one of India’s eight classical dance forms, came together in an energetic performance that created an impressive visual and musical combination of energy and expression. Act two began with “States of Mind,” pairing tabla master and vocalist Cassius Khan with classical guitar master John Oliver. This collaboration was well-coordinated and unique, with traditional tunes played on the electric guitar. It was organic meets electronic, east meets west. The performance and the message that Khan sang was inspiring: “If there was no melody in notes, then
there would be no humanity. We all sing together and live in peace.” Next up was “Improv Everyone?,” introducing comedy improv for the first time on the Massey stage. This was the most unpredictable performance of the evening. The show was an unrehearsed collaboration between a young teenager and an older, more experienced improv performer, the latter of whom told us their mantra of improv is to “never judge what’s about to happen, just let it happen.” Last but not least, the show ended with “Body, Mind, Spirit,” a zen-like group performance by Jodi Proznick, Celeste Snowber, the New Westminster Secondary School Choir, and director Kelly Proznick. It was a harmonious and spiritual collaboration between three great leaders of the New Westminster community, and represented the community connection that Massey Theatre strives to exhibit on their stage.
ARTS
October 19, 2015
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COMIC CONNOISSEUR
Let the record state that, I, the Comic Connoisseur, have come to observe a great many a strange and mind boggling animes and mangas in my 22 years of living. From the well-known dreadful epic Akira to the nonsensical onslaught of stupidity that is One Piece, I thought that I had seen all that could be seen from this strange but nonetheless captivating style of comics. That was until I naively sauntered into my local comic shop and foolishly purchased the manga-inspired atrocity Wayward, a graphic novel so mindlessly puerile I think it might just have given me permanent brain damage. Wayward follows the tale of Rori Lane, an Irish-Japanese girl who immigrates to Japan to be with her mother after she has a falling out with her father in Ireland. Within days of acquainting herself with her newfound home, Rori is attacked by the most blatant ripoff of the Ninja Turtles to ever hit a comic’s page. Much to every reader’s misfortune, the character survives the ordeal when she is rescued by a ditzy cat-like vixen named Ayane, who then vanishes from the story just as quick as she entered. What follows is a supernatural odyssey across Tokyo filled
with a string of inconsequential occurrences of lunacy. Wayward is quite literally a mix of concepts and ideas that could only have been justifiably ghostwritten by a six-year-old boy hopped up on a Costco-size bag of Jolly Ranchers. Jim Zub writes a story devoid of any exposition whatsoever; events and characters are throw in with such irreverent reckless abandon, it’s a wonder he didn’t throw his kitchen sink in the story. Simply put, nothing makes any sense, and practically every scenario is filled with Swiss cheese-sized plot holes. On the bright side, the series would make an excellent template for a drinking game. Readers can take a shot for every moment in the story that leaves them ragingly befuddled and cursing aloud, and likely garner cirrhosis of the liver in as little as the first 10 pages. The artwork, although not irredeemable, does hardly anything to save this halfbaked infirmity. While the comic is filled with a bright and eye-catching color pallet, it is unfortunately spent on basic and uninventive artwork. Many of the supernatural creatures designed for the comic are mundane and unmemorable, leaving the reader greatly underwhelmed. Wayward could at best be defined as an unintentional comedy. Hell, you could even try and make the case that it could be a satire of sorts. Alas, it still wouldn’t change the fact that this piece of ephemerally glossed toilet paper is just downright awful. If the creators had any mind, they would take it around back and shoot it to make room for literally anything else.
The exposed brick wall of a heritage building makes an unlikely interior for a Japanese restaurant, but Gyoza Bar carefully captures that balance between homeliness and urban fare. Located within walking distance of SFU’s Vancouver campuses, Gyoza Bar offers fusion menus specializing in teppan gyoza (Japanese fried dumplings), ramen, and the newly released Bao Boards. Many of their namesake gyoza, such as the chili shrimp and soy-marinated ikura, are creatively and uniquely interpreted, while others, such as the regular pork teppan, keep an eye on tradition. True to Japanese cooking, the gyoza are served on cast-iron skillets called teppanyaki, which keep the gyoza steaming hot and crispy. In a North American spin, however, their signature ramen features a tomato-saffron broth and other Western-inspired combinations. Sake, along with wine and beer, are readily available. Instead of the round noodles you might be used to that come in dried bundles, Gyoza Bar’s fresh ramen is made in the classic tradition: slightly square-shaped and “al dente” in texture. The restaurant’s philosophy is bringing people together with good food in an open, inviting environment. Located close to campus with late evening hours, Gyoza welcomes patrons to stay for the menu change. If you’re planning to stay a while, I suggest grabbing a Bao Board complete with “bao” buns, veggies, and five intensely flavourful protein or vegetarian options including soy-marinated and maple-garlic chicken. Keeping things simple but interesting requires creativity and, in Vancouver, sustainability. Many of Gyoza Bar’s ingredients are made in-house, such as the flavoured oils used in their ramen, and all the protein is sourced within Canada — even
the chicken foie gras comes from the East Coast. Of course, having access to the suppliers of Aburi Restaurant Group’s more upscale Miku Waterfront and Minami gives Gyoza Bar a leg up in stocking the freshest seafood and ingredients. In addition to preparing fresh, local ingredients, the restaurant’s commitment to sustainability extends to the industrial interior design, which repurposes a lot of pine panelling and pine furniture that have unique markings due to pine beetle damage. Paired with designer cast-iron lighting, the honey-coloured
interior really sets the mood for casual dining. In the spirit of keeping things local and accessible, the interior was designed by a small company that focuses on sustainable projects like that of the reclaimed pine wood. The ramen bowls used are individually crafted by a local Japanese potter, and each one is unique. So when you are sitting down to a sizzling plate of gyoza or mouth-watering ramen, you can feel good about what you’re eating and the bench you sit on. Be careful — it’s hot.
TEACH ENGLISH 4x5
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SPORTS
One of the biggest storylines this year for the men’s soccer team is how they will replace the void Jovan Blagojevic left. He scored 18 goals in 18 games last year, and was named GNAC player of the year before being drafted by the Vancouver Whitecaps. He was the undisputed star of the team. But now, SFU looks like they have another up and coming talent on their hands: Mamadi Camara. “I was six years old [when I started playing soccer],” explains Camara, who grew up in Quebec. “I played for a local team in Montreal [. . .] I played there for two or three years, then I transferred to a team in Southshore, who had coaches, and better insulations. “[As a kid] we use to play in the park right next to our house with kids from different ages. We
October 19, 2015
would just play with the ball, no real net. It was just fun.” A few years later, he was heading on to play soccer at the postsecondary level, but Mamadi almost ended up not going to Simon Fraser. “I was supposed to go to Southern New Hampshire last year. However, it didn’t work out, for various reasons. So this past summer, I emailed Clint [Schneider . . .] I told him, ‘I’m still looking for a school, and if you have room for a scholarship, I would be interested.’ I had been in contact with him earlier in the year, so he replied to me right away and said we still have some scholarship money, because one of the players that was suppose to join the team didn’t get into the school. . . So I sent my transcript really quickly, and he responded in two days, saying that I was accepted into the school of communication. “[What attracted me to SFU] is the fact that it’s the only Canadian School in the NCAA,” Camara says. “It’s kind of cool when you go down to the United States and you represent one whole country. . . I also really like the environment here. I came to
Vancouver once when I was 14 years old for Nationals, and I really liked it. You’re surrounded by mountains and trees.”
So, does representing an entire country give extra motivation? “Definitely,” he says. “It’s something that comes up really often in the speech from the coach. He always reminds us that we are representing Canada, and we must be good when we go down there. And we have a really good program. . . we’re one of the most respected programs in Division II. It’s cool that this program is from Canada.” Some freshmen struggle for playing time on a new team, but not Camara. He has quickly become an integral part of the team, starting nearly every game, which is rare for a freshman. “I think the coaches are really looking forward to put the
sports editor email
Nick Bondi sports@the-peak.ca
best 11 out there. So if you don’t give them a choice, they’re going to put you on the field. That’s my mentality. If you want to be a starter, you just need to work hard enough so you can prove to the coach and to everyone else that you deserve your place on the field.” He also has a strong support network around him that has helped him get integrated quickly. “I’m fortunate to live with three other guys that have a lot of experience. Robert Hyams, who is in third year, Shane Sharma, who’s a senior, and Calvin Opperman, who’s a junior. These guys really helped me to really sort out my classes, get the best schedule I could, and give me some advice. “We have help from our teammates in this team. It’s really good.” Being so early on in his Simon Fraser career, this support has paid dividends for Camara, who won GNAC offensive player of the week for October 8. He scored three goals in two matches, both of which were game-winners.
“It felt good to see that your efforts are rewarded when you work for it,” says Camara. “However, that’s only one little title. I would be more pleased to win the NCAA title with my team than to win any other individual title.” That NCAA title didn’t seem very likely at the beginning of the season, but the team is now firmly back in the race for the GNAC title and a potential postseason run. “The way we started this season is not the way we expected,” says Camara. “It was a tough start at Sonoma, losing 3–1 [. . .] I think we are just starting to get more confident, and building towards our goal, which is to win the NCAA title.” As a freshman, Camara has already established himself as a key component of the team, and perhaps the future star player of the team. For his part, he himself seems up to the added pressure of being a more integral part of the team, and filling the void left from the departed Jovan. “Pressure is what drives me [. . .] when I have more pressure, I think I perform better. It may be a bit more pressure, but I like it.”
SPORTS
October 19, 2015
On Saturday, October 10, the SFU football team dropped a close one against Dixie State, losing 38–35. The game was the first in GNAC play, and the loss put the Clan 0–4 overall on the year. “They made more plays than we did,” said Head Coach Kelly Bates after the game. “They made less mistakes than we did. That’s why they got the win.” The game started off fairly well for SFU. A huge gain by Dixie State receiver Brad Duran set up a field goal for the visitors, but SFU came back and answered. SFU tight end Andrew Pauls caught an 11 yard touchdown to give the Clan the lead. The weather quickly became a game-changer, as the rain started to come down heavily. SFU recovered the ball off a poor handoff, then fumbled it a few plays later while driving down the field. On literally the next play after that, SFU defender Messer-Barrow picked off the pass intended for the Dixie State Receiver. SFU missed a field goal late in the quarter but still lead in the game. The second quarter started with a Dixie State drive that lead to a touchdown. Running back DeJon Coleman barreled in from the one to take a 10–7 lead for
the visitors. After a huge return by Justin Buren, the Clan handed it off of Ante Litre. The running back was the Clan’s main offensive weapon, running with the ball on numerous occasions for big gains. However, with the ball on the two yard line and a number of downs to get the touchdown, they were forced to settle for the field goal. This later turned out to be huge. The score at the break was 10–10, and SFU seemed to be in control. However, the second half was a different story. The Dixie State offense was able to hit for big plays on multiple occasions. A 26-yard run by the Dixie State running back led to a 28-yard touchdown pass to Nate Stephens and a 17–10 lead.
However, four minutes later, Ryan Stanford found Pauls again for his second score of the game. Just like that, the score was tied once again.
The SFU men’s hockey team played rivals Trinity Western University on October 10th. After a hard-fought playoff series last year which SFU won, the bad blood quickly resumed and resulting in a thrilling 5–4 SFU win. The game started off evenly contested, with both teams not able to find the back of the net. Trinity Western fired a total of 15 shots, but couldn’t beat Jordan Liem, who made a total of 50 saves that night.
The second period is when the goals started pouring in, with a total of five scored in the period. Trinity Western opened the scoring at the 6:33 mark in the second. Jamey Kreller scored on a nice back door play to give the Spartans a 1–0 lead. However, SFU scored two in the space of half a minute, with new recruit Jared Babych on a breakaway and veteran Mike Sandor off a scramble in front. Babych added his second two minutes later, and Trinity Western got another one back to cap off a wild second period. The period also featured 28 minutes of penalties, 22 of which came as a result of a large scrum. With the score 3–2 heading into the final frame, Trinity Western tied it up halfway through the frame when Florian Niedermaier scored from a shot from the point after an
SFU turnover. Sandor was able to get his second of the game just a few minutes later, and rookie Darnel St. Pierre scored what turned out to be the game-winner on the powerplay late in the third — and, also, his first goal for SFU. Going forward, the Clan will most certainly have to improve upon is their team discipline. The Spartans had a total of six power plays on the night, but weren’t able to convert on a single one. As well, the amounts of shots given up from an SFU perspective is concerning. The team gave up a total of 54 shots on the night, with 24 of those coming in the second period alone.
A touchdown for Dixie state made it 24–17, and into the fourth quarter it could have gone either way. After a field goal made it 24– 20, Justin Buren scored a 21-yard touchdown to take a three point
lead heading into the last half of the fourth. Just two plays later, though, Dixie’s DeJon Coleman ran right up the middle 75 yards for the touchdown. They soon added another, and despite Christian Berger scoring late to make it interesting, it wasn’t to be. The final score was 38–35 Dixie State. Like the last home game against Azusa Pacific, perhaps the main problem for the Clan on the night was the mental lapses, especially on the defensive side of the ball. It was one step forward, two steps back for parts of the
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game, particularly in the second half. “We’ve got young guys back there, 17- and 18-year-olds, who are gaining great experience,” said Bates following the game. “I think they know their job, and I think they were in the right spot to do their job, they just didn’t finish.” Despite the loss, the close scoreline gives hope to Bates that the best is yet to come. “What I liked in this game is that things that had hampered us in the past such as bad penalties, not protecting the ball, not playing disciplined ball on offence. We can build on that moving forward.” SFU’s next home game will be on October 24, when they play Western Oregon University.
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October 19, 2015
SPORTS BRIEFS w
The SFU Clan women’s volleyball team dropped a heartbreaking decision to Concordia University of Oregon this Saturday three sets to two. The loss moved their record to 8–8 on the season with a 4–4 conference record. The Clan won an entertaining first set 25–23. In the second set, SFU powered to a 25–16 decision. In the third set, Concordia’s free player suffered a devastating separated shoulder. The Clan then built a 12–6 lead, which prompted a Concordia timeout. This was the turning point of the match. Following the timeout, the visitors won 11 of the next 14 points to take a 17–15 lead. What ensued were some of the most dramatic plays of the evening as SFU sought to close out the match and Concordia battled to stay alive. After a long rally, SFU won a point to pull even at 24–24. They then fell down 25–24 before number eight Emma Jennings’ front row hit landed just inbounds to square the score at 25. The Clan then scored again and had a chance to serve for the win at 26–25. However, they
The SFU men’s soccer team played host to the Concordia Cavaliers on Saturday October 10. The game can only be described like the weather that night: dreary. Despite SFU shooting 31 times on net, they couldn’t muster a single goal, and the game ended 0–0 after overtime. “Quite some good stuff at times, and our tempo at times
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The SFU swim team got off to a great start to their collegiate swim season against Seattle University. The men’s team won 132–72, thanks in part to Mackenzie Hamill winning the 1,000 and the 500 in convincing fashion. Nicolas Hernandez won the 200 freestyle, and Nicholas Lau placed first in the 100 freestyle. The women’s team lost 112.5–92.5, with Lauren Swistak finishing first in the 200 yard freestyle.
yielded three straight points to send the game to a fourth set. The fourth set was so tight that no team was able to take a two-point lead until Concordia edged ahead 23–21, which translated to a 25–23 victory for the visitors. Number nine Christine Howlett and number 21 Tessa May both made several spectacular plays in the fourth set’s furious action. In the fifth set, the Clan fell down 9–1 before rallying to close the gap to 13–9. However, after a very long rally on the final point, Concordia emerged with a 15–9 victory and a 3–2 set advantage to win the match. The fifth set saw sixth Danielle
was good enough,” explained head coach Clint Schneider, referring to the match. “We broke them down, created a lot of chances, [but] couldn’t finish. That’s been the story of this year [. . .]. When you play teams like Concordia, who are looking for a chance, those games sometimes go the other way.” Indeed, the Clan were able to break them down at times, and early on Mamadi Camara was stopped point blank by the Concordia keeper. The first half was marked by SFU’s domination of possession, but they weren’t able to turn it into goals. James Fraser had a shot cleared off the line, and that was really it. The vast majority of them were blocked or went wide of the target.
Curtis make a spectacular diving dig to save a point, and number three Jessica Young convert three front line hits for points, which included an emphatic display of emotion after a long rally. Coach Gina Schmidt discussed the pivotal third set: “We seemed to lose focus with the big lead and eventually allowed them back into the match with too many hitting errors on our side.” Regarding team play, Coach Schmidt remarked that “our group [is] coming together quite nicely, especially considering some of the lineup adjustments we’ve had to make because of injuries. I hope the
“Sometimes it takes that extra bit of quality,” said Schneider, explaining the lack of finish on the night. “You need to take a deep breath, just to relax, and pass it into the corner. We didn’t have that tonight. Hopefully we’re saving them for later. We’re halfway through the GNAC schedule, and we’re right there.” The second half was more of the same. Calvin Opperman’s free header went just wide of the net, and a couple of minutes later Michael North’s chance went just wide. It could have easily been 2–0 there, and on most nights for this team, it would have been. Ten minutes from the end, Opperman had the best chance for either team, a point blank shot from inside the six that sailed over the net.
people in the crowd saw a team that enjoys playing together and is fun to watch.” The Clan head to Alaska for a match on Thursday and again on Saturday against Alaska-Fairbanks and Alaska-Anchorage. Coach Schmidt said the team is hoping for better weather than last year’s Alaska trip, which was in mid-November and saw temperatures dip below -20 degrees celsius. Coach added, “our girls always enjoy the trip to Alaska. There are a couple of restaurants in Anchorage that our team loves and, just outside of Fairbanks there is a Santa Claus house with reindeer and all sorts of souvenirs.”
In overtime you could tell that the Clan were pushing for the game winner. SFU had a great chance in the first minute for the win, and Michael North caused havoc down the right wing. He was constantly beating his man and getting low crosses in. During the overtime session, he was hauled down in the box in what looked like a penalty, but it wasn’t called. Despite the scoreless draw, SFU had a terrific homestand. They didn’t concede a single goal, and won three of the four games. “We played good football today. Just have to finish chances, that’s what it’s about,” explained Schneider. The team’s next home game will be on Thursday the 22nd when they play the Montana State Billings.
SFU’s lacrosse team played two exhibition games on the 10th and the 11th of October. The first game was against Diablo College, with the Clan won 19–15. The second game was against Dominican, which the Clan won 11–9.
SFU women’s golfer Emily Leung finished 12th in the Western Washington Invitational Tournament at the Bellingham Golf and Country Club. This helped the women’s golf team finish 10th overall in the tournament. She shot an eight-over-81 in the final round, after starting off with a one-over-74.
HUMOUR
October 19, 2015
humour editor email
Jacey Gibb humour@the-peak.ca
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20 HUMOUR
When asked what being vicepresident of the English Student Union (ESU) entails, I normally launch into a tired, boring spiel about student involvement. But beneath that blither-blather is an erotic truth I hold back for fear of it sensuously overcoming me. Beneath the exterior of engaging discussions on literature, slam poetry nights, and other festivities, the ESU is by far home to the most sexually charged group of student volunteers this side of the Academic Quadrangle. You might find this incredulous — I once did as well — but once you hear my story, I think you will be quite tantalized, dear reader. My first erotic encounter occurred when I noticed an unfamiliar lady, with a chest region that would make the bravest of warriors blush, lounging about in the ESU common
room. I brazenly entered through the doorway in an almost modellike, slow-motion fashion, pretending not to notice this stunning creature, before extending a warm, “Hi.” She naturally looked impressed by my casual entrance and masculine mystique. I asked the dashing woman what name she had been given at birth and she replied with some basic shit like Tiffany or Brittany, but that was unimportant. I knew she had to be mine. Throwing all inhibition and care to the wildest winds, I requested with the eloquence of a poet: “Can I touch them?” A look of shock grabbed her face, enraptured by the sheer force of what a sexual tiger I projected. The woman replied, with passion burning in her eyes and hesitation in her voice, “I have to go to the bathroom.” I bowed a gentlemanly bow and stepped aside, suggesting she take all of the time that she needed and that I would be still be there upon her return — which I’d hoped would be soon. As soon as she left I flung my shirt onto the floor, the fabric dancing to the ground, and struck a flexing pose, my biceps aimed towards the door.
Lazy people of the world, my dear comrades: we all know the struggle of getting by while suffering from severe laziness. Indeed, lazy people are quite possibly the demographic that experiences the most prejudice and flak in their day-to-day lives. In today’s world, being lazy is seen as shameful and stigmatic. While I could work to defy the discrimination that plagues us apathetic sloths, I’m far too lazy to do that. Instead, I’ve compiled a foolproof step-bystep process to sidestep the bias we face every day. First, accept that as long as others perceive you as lazy, you will
be forced to expend extra efforts to avoid the low expectations, disappointed sighs and, “You could do better”s that accompany every human interaction where something is expected of you. This step is vital, and should be quite simple for experienced lethargists; you must recognize the grim reality of a situation in which you were supposed to do something and didn’t. Second, learn the importance of excuses. Excuses are what normal people use when they want to be lazy, but also want to feel better than those who are honest about being lazy. Remember that one of the properties that make excuses so versatile is they don’t even have to be true! For example, say it’s the due date for a class project and you forgot to hand anything in. The best way to go about mitigating this circumstance is by providing your professor with a doctor’s note. Now, you may be wondering how you’ll get a doctor’s note
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Christina Kruger / The Peak
If I were an 18th-century European movement, I’d be the Romantics. Needless to say, I’m sure a familial emergency arose for the mysterious vixen, because she never returned for our orgasmic evening together. Alas I can only hope that one day the fair lass will have dealt with the familial emergency and return for a tongue lashing of the nether regions, which I could sense she required.
The second of my sexual sojourns that I wish to recount to you, dear readers, occurred when a gorgeous temptress in my Victorian Literature class required tutoring; naturally, I took her to the pleasure house that is the ESU Common Room. She said she’d like to focus on Dickens and I replied sensually that I had a Dickens of sorts she
Alfred Zhang / The Peak
Lazy people must do what they can to subsist. when you haven’t seen a doctor. Fret not! Simply go to school for a PhD in medicine under a pseudonym, stock up on those coveted doctor’s note pads, and excuse yourself from any situation that is avoidable with a doctor’s note. Voila! (Tip: when writing your doctor’s note, be sure to make it as illegible as possible. This tells the reader that you have important
doctor things to get to and don’t have time for silly note writing, adding a sense of legitimacy.) Third, make sure to always answer as vaguely as possible when asked to do something in the future. This can take many forms, from “Oh sorry, I might have family stuff to do that day” to “I’ll try my best to make it, but I’ll probably need to spend the day finishing
could focus on. The poor creature! My cleverness slipped past her and she replied only with an unimpressed look. Afraid she was confused about my romantic intentions, I then proceeded to establish a more appropriate atmosphere by lighting a scented candle. Surprised and overwhelmed by the sexual power I exerted, and assumedly wanting to remain chaste until marriage, the maiden defied all temptation and whispered, “I think I have to be home,” before leaving the room. I called after the dame, shouting, “That’s cool, you know where to find me.” It’s really my own fault she hasn’t returned yet; I should have called out the room number, so she’d know where to find me again. This erotic life of mine contains such an enormous amount of encounters that a simple Peak article couldn’t cover the whole experience. Perhaps one day I shall write a novel of it all. In the meantime if you’re interested in a sojourn in sensuality, hit me up in the ESU common room. Oh, and one more thing: can people please stop using the doorcode to have sex in here; that’s for execs, not everyone else.
the last season of the live-action television show, Beauty and the Beast.” This gives you both an easy out for if you don’t feel like doing stuff when the time comes, and room for making it if it’s one of those days when you feel like doing things won’t kill you. And last but not least, constantly looking dopey or tired is a sure-fire way to let even strangers know how lazy of a person you are. They’ll think, “Look, this person can barely keep their eyes open. What good will they be at any possible task I ask of them?” Make sure to take a minimum of six naps a day to avoid provoking their radars. If you always look bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, there’s no way anyone will ever attempt to see through your excuses and unreliability. And so, my associate sloths, learn to overcome the hardships we face as a demographic. I impart my wisdom unto you with the full knowledge that you’ve stopped reading by now to slack off.
HUMOUR
If you’ve ever worked in retail, you’ve had a retail nightmare. That’s the belief held by musician Jessica Delisle and comedian Alicia Tobin, two artists living in Vancouver and “coghosts” of one of the funniest podcasts around, Retail Nightmares. Join Delisle and Tobin each week as they invite a new guest onto the show to recall past retail-related miseries — to always-entertaining degrees. Read on to learn about how the the podcast got started, where the famous term ‘puppos’ comes from, and what makes retail woes such a relatable topic for comedy. How would you describe Retail Nightmares to someone who has never listened to it? JD: Just a fun, silly time where we talk about our individual horror stories, which are also very relatable. They’re a sort-of shared nightmare. If you’ve ever worked in retail or customer service, you know exactly what we’re talking about. But it’s also a lot of talking about food. AT: In each episode we start out talking about people’s retail experiences, but we get off track a lot and end up talking about things like cute animals and kombucha. How did the podcast come to fruition? JD: About a year ago we were at a memorial for our friend who’d passed away, and I’d organized the memorial at the store where I worked, so there were a lot of customers and friends and old co-workers. We’d both been drinking some wine and Alicia spotted this one woman who was horrible and she’d had past experiences with her that were nightmares. Alicia asked me, “Is it just me or is that woman the worst?” and I was like, “No no, I could tell you so many stories.” and then we’re like, let’s start a podcast. And so we did. AT: So many people’s careers will be in retail, or they spend part of their time working in customer service, face-to-face with
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the public. I’ve met so many interesting people working in retail and customer service, some of my closest friends, some of the most interesting and funniest people, and everyone has at least one story that makes your skin peel off of your body. JD: It sort of reminds me of those teen magazines that asked you to send in your most embarrassing stories; I was so into reading those, where everything falls apart. Also, most of our friends who are musicians and artists and comedians and writers have to work these crummy jobs to support what they really want to do. AT: I’m hoping that if someone hears our podcast, who hasn’t worked in retail before, they’ll have a new perspective on the challenges. Working in retail, you have to be really nice and put yourself out there everyday, and there’s a really interesting dynamic — between the public and people who are in a position to serve them — I’m usually not very fond of. People could really brush up on their kindness skills and their respect. Just take time to ask people in retail how their day is going. JD: And acknowledge that they’re a human. Why do you think retail in particular is prone to bringing out the worst in humanity? JD: When people go into a store, I think most of them are focused on what they need and only that. The way our culture is sort of panders to that and makes it allowable, to talk down to people who are serving you. Also, just a lot of people are rich assholes.
AT: I’m not entirely sure because it’s not something that I practice. I try to be kind. . . I mean, I would love to be a rich asshole, but I would still be a nice rich asshole. I feel like manners are just optional for some people and they only use manners when it’s going to get them something. How does coming from two different backgrounds — comedy for Alicia and music for Jessica — influence the podcast? JD: It gets us a good mix of guests. The podcast has amazing music in it too, all written by Jay Arner, and we collaborate on it. Jay’s the silent member, the man behind the scenes. He wants us to start a rumour that he doesn’t exist. AT: The thing I’ve found is that some of the funniest people I know aren’t comedians. Jessica and I take turns booking guests and she books the bulk of the musicians and I book the bulk of the comedians, but everybody makes a good guest. Some of the funniest people just don’t find their way to comedy. What inspired the delightful recurring segment “Puppo of the Week”? JD: My friend started using the term ‘puppo,’ and I’m not sure where he got it from, and when we went on tour together across Canada we started calling everything puppo. If something was cute, you’d just put an ‘o’ at the end of it, so if a horse is cute, it’s a horso. That was the one thing I wanted to do with the podcast, us talking about a Puppo of the Week. It’s a
good balance because sometimes things get dark when we talk about the retail nightmare — the puppo brings it back up and makes it lighter and makes everyone realize the world isn’t such a terrible place to live in. AT: Plus, Jessica and I have this in common, it’s almost like a disorder, where the whole world stops for a squirrel, a dog, a cat, a cute child, a lovely senior, a nice-looking muffin. Birds rate pretty high with me these days. It could be anything. We’re both animal people and neither of us are allowed pets where we live, so we’re desperate. Have you had ever had former bosses or coworkers contact you after they’re mentioned on the podcast? AT: We never really mention anyone by name. JD: We try and keep things vague enough that no one would ever get offended. Also, I’m guessing that the people who are oblivious enough to treat us badly are also probably not going to be looking up podcasts about retail. AT: I don’t think any of my past bosses who were very difficult to deal with or customers have any idea that I am a human. Or are necessarily interested in my career as a comedian. JD: Those people probably aren’t Googling us.
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Hi there! You are reading a new weekly writing tips segment written by me, Joel MacKenzie, The Peak’s Copy Editor! Tune your eyes in every week to this corner of The Peak for writing tips and ideas to breeze through your B Courses. Let me start by saying that editing copy, or editing our paper’s articles, is a lot of fun. There’s nothing more satisfying than holding a warm, newly printed paper every Monday, knowing that I had an integral say in every delicious bit of punctuation, phrasing, and hyphens went into every section. I get a dry tongue just thinking about it! Mondays, the day our papers are usually delivered, are truly my vacation days of the week. Saturday and Sunday, I wait virtually the whole time in a ball of anxiety in anticipation of holding that fresh, ripe, wet-with-ink Peak against my face, knowing that I had an integral say in every delicious word that went on those pages. And knowing, of course, that the jokers at Douglas College’s newspaper The Other Press couldn’t cook up a paper if they had their tongues behind their backs! Can I state the obvious? Their pages are thin, chalky, and only to be chewed through with a stiff drink handy! But I’m getting beside myself! Now incoming: writing advice! Here’s an example of a dangling modifier: “Being such a lousy swimmer, you won’t see me at the pool any time soon.” Come on back to this corner of The Peak every week for more writing tips from yours truly. See you next week, and never put down your pen! Best, Joel MacKenzie
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CLUB EXPOSURE June 29, 2015
October 19, 2015
photo editor email
Lisa Dimyadi photos@the-peak.ca
BILLIARDS AND BRANIACS This week, we met up with the Loonie Events Club, Billiards Club, UNICEF Club, Investment Club, and Canadianized Asian Club. If you’re interested in being featured, contact photos@the-peak.ca.
Seven ball, corner pocket!
Alfred Zhang / The Peak
SFU UNICEF club plays “guess the animal.”
Lisa Dimyadi / The Peak
SFU Investment Club invests in our future.
Lisa Dimyadi / The Peak
These club members aren’t crazy, but they’re a little loonie!
Lisa Dimyadi / The Peak
Not pictured: Free pizza.
Lisa Dimyadi / The Peak
DIVERSIONS / ETC
October 19, 2015
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CLASSIFIEDS@ THE-PEAK.CA
LAST WEEK’S SOLUTION
EVENT LISTINGS ARE FREE FOR SFU STUDENTS AND STUDENT ORGANIZATIONS. SEND THE DATE, TIME, LOCATION, NAME, AND A 15 WORD DESCRIPTION TO CLASSIFIEDS@THE-PEAK.CA
24 LAST WORD
Editor-in-Chief email
Max Hill eic@the-peak.ca
October 19, 2015