Sober in a Sorority

Tend spoke with 21-year-old Lucy Massam (@l_massam on Instagram) — a senior at the University of California, Santa Barbara — about her experience being substance-free in a culture that encourages an under-the-influence existence.

Tend: When did you decide to become sober?

Lucy Massam: I decided to go into treatment in December of 2020. I had known I had an addictive personality for quite a few years, but the beginning of the pandemic was when my drug use was uncontrollable. My drug of choice was marijuana, and I had been very dependent on it since my freshman year of college. I knew that my heavy weed smoking had lead me to have severe anxiety and depression, fall behind in school and other obligations, and lose sight of myself in general— but I couldn’t quit. Weed is one of the most behaviorally addictive drugs, but since I was under the impression that it wasn’t addictive, I didn’t think it was a huge deal that I kept smoking. Turns out I was very wrong.

T: Did you cut out certain substances before others?

LM: During the program I had to be sober from everything, as I was getting weekly drug and alcohol tests, but I was thinking that I would be able to casually drink once I stopped smoking and got sober from that. Since I never struggled with my relationship to alcohol I didn’t see why I needed to stay sober from that. It was then when my doctors told me they recommend someone stay sober from everything for at least a year before making the decision to drink alcohol again. ... I have no plan of ever introducing alcohol back into my life because of how happy I am sober. You wouldn’t tell an alcoholic to just go smoke weed, it’s the same thing the other way around. I am sober from everything, and anything mind-altering is not my friend.

T: How did the people in your life respond to your decision to become sober?

LM: I am extremely grateful for my parents’ reaction to me telling them I needed to start rehab. I could not have asked for a better experience and my family was extremely supportive. They had no idea I was doing drugs so often. Telling them was extremely difficult, but they immediately booked a session with my therapist to learn more about what they can do to help and got rid of all of the alcohol in the house. My experience getting sober came from a very privileged situation — my parents were understanding and I never had to worry about affording treatment. I am very aware that this is not everyone’s situation so I am very grateful. My old housemates were extremely judgmental over my sobriety, and they just didn’t understand. Not only did they not understand, they didn’t care to. They would make comments about blacking out right in front of me and had no regard for what I was going through. I completely distanced myself from all of those people, but that didn’t stop me from hearing about what they had to say behind my back. Its hard because drinking is such a part of the culture for college students, so when anyone doesn’t do that they are marked as different or “other.” I’m used to the feeling of otherness by now, but it was a brutal adjustment.

T: Did these reactions vary among people of different age groups?

LM: Younger people are usually a lot more judgmental or just have more questions that are not exactly coming from a place of empathy, but I remind myself that if a year ago someone my age didn’t smoke weed when I offered them some I would have asked them why not. So I’m not too judgmental over peoples reactions, we are all learning. I just either educate them, or completely distance myself, its not worth the emotional turmoil of getting my feelings hurt, especially because my sobriety is the most important thing in my life (over any friendship).

T: What are the hardest parts about being sober at such a young age?

LM: The worst part used to be not being able to partake in most of what youth culture is at a college. Drinking and partying are such a huge part of the social scene at UCSB and in my friend groups, and I could no longer do any of that. I can’t go to anyone’s house if I know any of their roommates smoke weed because that would be a massive trigger for me. So mourning the loss of being able to do those things was the hardest part. I turned 21 when I was nine months sober, and you always have that vision of finally going to bars and clubs legally to celebrate, but my 21st wasn’t like that — it was so much better. I went to a nice dinner and remembered the whole day, I can’t remember many of my last few birthdays so this was very refreshing. I had more fun than I ever did drinking, but it was still bittersweet.

T: What are the best parts about it?

LM: The best part is knowing that I have put in the work to heal myself. Being sober is my superpower. I feel so confident in my ability to graduate college sober and get a real job, and I never would have been able to do those things without getting sober. So although I can’t do the normal things a college student does, I get to wake up every morning feeling great and so happy that I have become someone who I love.

T: How does being sober interact with and/or relate to your self-care?

LM: Being sober is my self care. It is the biggest decision I could have made for myself and my well-being. I am a better person and a healthier person since getting sober. A large part of self care for me is setting boundaries, and I can do that so much better now that I’m sober.