The Loneliness Epidemic

12-18th June is Loneliness Awareness week, but what does loneliness mean to each of us?

Let me paint you a picture: Sam is a 42 year old female, she is a single mother of twin 18 year old boys. Six weeks ago she waved goodbye to them as they set off on their gap year to travel and volunteer at various conservation projects in Nepal. For the past 18 years her focus has been on her boys, cooking, cleaning and ferrying them back and forward to various sporting events, which didn’t leave a lot of time for herself. Since the boys have left the home is quiet, it is neat and tidy, but her car sits on the drive as mum’s taxi is no longer needed. Cooking is harder when it is just for one person. She is an only child and her parents retired to live in Spain 2 years ago. Her weekends are long, there hasn’t been time over the past 18 years for friends, and she is at a loss as to what to do. She feels adrift in her world.

She works remotely, going into the office once a week. On Monday she is in the office and whilst making the first coffee of the day, she listens to her colleagues excitedly tell of the things they got up to at the weekend, the family meals out, trips to the cinema, the drinks, the laughs with friends. She has nothing to contribute, so she silently slips away to her desk as she doesn’t feel a part of these conversations any more. The pain of missing her boys is physical, her loneliness increasing every day. She tries to concentrate on work, but these feelings of being adrift, of being lonely, of not knowing who she is any more, are overwhelming. By the end of the working day, she is feeling tired and stressed as she knows she didn’t do her best work, that her attention to her work tasks is slipping, but she doesn’t know what to do. She is struggling to put into words how she is feeling, so how can she talk to her manager or HR. She doesn’t know what to do to help herself.

For many of us we can experience loneliness at certain times in our lives, but what is loneliness, and what does it mean to each of us?

Put simply, loneliness is a feeling of lack of connection or unwanted isolation. It can happen due to changes in living arrangements, divorce, moving location, bereavement, becoming a carer, poor health or mobility or financial issues. In surveys completed in 2018/19 and 2021/22 approximately 10% of adults reported feeling loneliness and this was found across all ages, though there was a high incidence in adults over 70.

For some of us it can happen unexpectedly, we go through a divorce, or like Sam the children leave home and all of a sudden the house that was filled with noise and chaos is quiet, tidy and we are alone, there is no one to cook meals for, no one to demand our time and attention. The children that have been our focus for the past 18 years no longer need us. Initially the peace and quiet can seem lovely, but quickly we start to experience the feelings of loneliness and for some it can become an overwhelming feeling. We have spent so many years being a partner, a wife, a husband, a parent that we have forgotten to spend time focusing on our individual needs.

It’s important to remember that being alone and feeling lonely are different. Being alone is the absence of others around us, whereas, loneliness in the UK is generally defined as a subjective and unwelcome feeling which results from a mismatch in the quality and quantity of social relationships we have and those that we desire. It could mean that we could be in a crowd of people and still be lonely, whereas some people chose solitude and are content.

What are the signs and symptoms of loneliness?

Symptoms of loneliness will vary from person to person and can be dependant on their individual circumstances. Loneliness can cause you to:

• Feel insecure

• Feel sad, empty, disconnected

• Feel isolated or left out

• Feel like you are not being heard, that you don’t matter

It can cause a decrease in energy levels, or impact sleep and in some cases it can cause mental ill health. With Sam, she is feeling lonely, feels like she has nothing to add, so she becomes withdrawn and in doing so isolated herself further. Loneliness happens when we feel distressed when we are alone, while social isolation is the lack of regular interactions with other people.

How to prevent or cope with loneliness

There are a number of solutions, however, it is not a one-size fits all approach, each person has to find what works for them individually. Acknowledgment is the key. Acknowledging how we are feeling, the fact that we are feeling lonely. Feeling lonely can be overwhelming, but it should signal to each of us that we need to do something about it. For example, if we are thirsty, we know we need to have a drink. Likewise with loneliness we need more social connections but how do we build social connections?

Volunteering has lots of benefits. Many employers now have a volunteering policy that allows colleagues time to participate in volunteering projects. Being involved in volunteering can bring meaning and purpose into our lives, keeping us mentally stimulated and allowing us to become part of something bigger than ourself. By giving back to others we can increase our feelings of selfworth and self-esteem. It provides a sense of community, introduces us to new friends, or builds relationships with work colleagues involved in the same project, creating a common bond. As a volunteer we typically can interact with people from diverse backgrounds, allowing us to learn new perspectives. The hands on experience and training we get from volunteering, can help build new skills, as well as develop ones we already have. It can open up new prospects, new careers that previously we would never have considered. Many of us use volunteering as a way to pursue hobbies, or forgotten past times, for example having a love of dogs might lead us to volunteering in a dog shelter, or a love of children to helping out at a kids camp, or a love of being outdoors to help with a community garden project. It can stimulate our creative side, and motivate us, which in turn will impact our personal and even professional lives.

Make time for family and friends. It is very easy to let friendships drift, to get so caught up in life that we forget to stay in touch. If someone was a true friend, they would be delighted to get a text or a call, no matter how long it has been since we last spoke. Too often they have been caught up in life as well. So send that text, make that call, organise that coffee, or a visit. It is likely to put a very big smile on your friends face as well. If family are living abroad then book a flight, go and see them. Make a cake and take a slice round to an elderly neighbour, have a cup of tea with them. Not only will we make their day, but we benefit from the visit too by giving back to our community.

Get outdoors. Studies show that spending time outside in nature and in natural light can boost our mood and reduce stress levels. For those of us that work remotely, going for a walk after work can allow us to interact with other people as well as give the benefits of being outside in nature. Going for a walk and taking photographs is a great mindful activity. Most of us have mobile phones with cameras. Try doing the alphabet walk. Start with the letter A and take pictures of as many things as you can see that begin with the letter A, next walk letter B, then C and so on. Activity like this calming, and it increases our awareness of our surroundings and makes us aware of nature.

Join a group or develop a new hobby or pastime. Making new friends can be a daunting prospect. Whether it is due to moving to an new area, or family and friends moving away, the need to establish new friendships can impact many of us. This is where we need to think about what activities we enjoy for example, walking, cycling, photography, gardening, bird watching, swimming. What made you laugh and smile as a child? Was it cycling, or painting, playing football, or collecting sea glass? We can use social media to search for local groups. Whilst it is good to join an online community, be mindful not to spend too much time on social media platforms, use them to gain an understanding of local groups but remember that people will only post their “perfect lives”, and comparing ourselves to others can have a detrimental effect.

The MeetUp platform is a social networking site and is a great place to find local groups to join. Many of these groups host a variety of events that can span from coffee evening, cinema trips, walks, bowling, games nights, meals out or even weekends away. Finding people with a common interest, is a great way to build new friendships. There are also a number of organisations that specialise in holidays for solo travellers. These can range from activities like walking, cycling, swimming holidays to city breaks, or relaxing on a beach. Join a local choir, or amateur dramatics society, a local book club, a quiz club, car club, modeling club or a knitting group, no matter where we live, there will be a local group to join. If one doesn’t exist, could we create one? Decorate the house, or change the garden. Activities like this can keep us occupied and the end result will make us smile and be rewarding. Take a class. There is no age limit on curiosity or learning. Is there a new skill you always wanted to learn but didn’t have time? Signing up for a class can teach a new skill, or a new language. Many of these classes take place over a number of weeks, giving time to get to know people. Join a local gym as many of them run exercise classes, yoga, Pilates, spin, boxercise, or a local Zumba class.

Dealing with loneliness is not just about building social connections. There are a number of steps we can take to support ourselves to prevent loneliness from having detrimental effects on our health.

Eat a healthy diet. For some cooking for one person is a chore, but it is important that we continue to eat properly and give our body the building blocks it needs. Why not batch cook some meal and freeze portions to have on work days? Try and limit the amount of sugary snacks. It is very easy when we are tired and feeling low to reach for chocolate, but these sugary snacks will give us a boost for a short time, but can then cause a slump in mental and physical energy, leaving us feeling worse that we were.

It is important to have a good sleep routine. Try to go to bed at the same time each night and get up at the same time each morning, even on the weekends. It is importance to make sure your bedroom is quiet, calm, relaxing, dark and a comfortable temperature. Try and keep TV’s, computers, and smart phones out of the bedroom. If having a smart phone in the room is necessary, then make sure the blue light filter is turned on, and your phone is on Do not disturb.

Practice gratitude. It can be difficult to notice positive things in life when we are dealing with loneliness. Try to get into the daily habit of writing down 3 things I am grateful for each day and something positive that happened. If the positive thing was due to someone else, then thank them, let them know they made a difference. When we are having a really dark day, being able to read all the things we were grateful for in preceding days, can be helpful. Studies have also proven that daily gratitude writing reduced loneliness and improved health among adults. Fill your home with sound as it may help the environment feel less lonely and overwhelming, and can assist with occupying thoughts. Music can boost your mood, audiobooks can provide a distraction or a temporary escape. Podcasts and talk radio inform and entertain, but the conversations approach may help create a sense of connection. Try opening windows to let the sound of birds singing into the home, this can help us feel connected to the wider outside world.

Seek help. Many employers offer an Employee Assistance Programme which will offer talking therapy (counselling). Talking therapies allow us to explore and understand feelings of loneliness and can help develop positive ways of dealing with them. Whilst therapy in and of itself can help combat loneliness it can help us explore the role that loneliness has in our life and how it is affecting our well-being.

Work can also play an important role. Not only does it provide us with an income, but it gives structure to our days, a sense of purpose and social connections. Employers need to be proactive and incorporate questions about loneliness within their people surveys to promote the importance of social wellbeing in the workplace. Certain roles, and workplace transitions can increase the risk of loneliness, e.g. starting a new role, home working, returning after maternity/paternity leave, returning to work after a long term absence, or following bereavement. An employee who already has existing feelings of loneliness due to their home lives, can carry these feeling into work. Flexible working or working remotely, poor team dynamics or a negative work culture can exacerbate loneliness.

The government published guidance on employers and loneliness in May 2021 as a result of the pandemic, but the guidance is still relevant today.

The aim of every organisation should be to destigmatise the issue of loneliness. Whilst employers and managers cannot force social connections, they can create opportunities for team members to have meaningful conversations with others. Some examples would be:

Using surveys to gather information relative to employees wellbeing, incorporating loneliness into the questions

Having 1-2-1 meetings with team members to check to see how they are, especially colleagues who work remotely

Small gestures and act of kindness – saying hello, acknowledging birthdays

Organise team activities to encourage interaction

Have champions in the workplace and use “happy to chat” badges to encourage employees to speak to each other, or a buddy system for those returning after a period of absence

Signpost to local counselling or to the Employee Assistance Programme (EAP) for talking therapy

Use of Occupational Health for advice on any adjustments that may be required to support the employee if their mental health is impacted. By putting adjustments in place, we can in many cases, prevent absence from occurring, which for some employees may exacerbate their loneliness

• Run Wellbeing sessions e.g. Social Connectivity, Developing a Positive Mindset, Boosting Resilience, Having Quality Conversations, Promoting Good Sleep, Emotional Regulation

• Allow volunteering days per annum and encouraging employees to utilise them

By encouraging openness and having approachable managers, and a good support system, then it is more likely that employees will discuss their feelings and ask for help when they need it. Loneliness is on the increase across all ages, so it is importance that employers, managers, and us as individuals look at what we can do to reduce the impact of this growing issue.