How to talk about masturbation with your teenage children at home?

Written By: Dorcas Ng

Translated by: Dorcas Yeoh

Although physical education classes in primary schools nowadays cover sex education, I believe that Christian families should still educate their teenagers regarding sex education at home. This is because the teaching process should also include open discussions, Q&A sessions, praying together, etc.

In this article, I would like to talk to parents about masturbation.

1. What is masturbation?

Masturbation is the act of rubbing your own sexual organs with your hands or something else to achieve pleasure or orgasm.

2. Why do people masturbate?

a. To relieve stress

b. Inability to meet the inner human need for relationship while connecting with others

c. Sexual fantasies or being exposed to sexually arousing information

d. Seeking self-sensory gratification

e. Human’s sexual desire

3. Is masturbation a sin?

Personally, I think this is a grey area question. It's not easy to answer yes or no. But I can say with certainty that a single or married person who indulges in masturbation will have a hard time having a good relationship with God and with others.

Also, masturbation is not purely an action, it is often connected to sexual fantasies and pornographic information, so masturbation can affect a person's soul.

4. How to deal with the struggle of masturbation?

a. Avoid pornographic material

b.Establish healthy stress-relieving habits such as sports, music, reading, and arts & crafts. It is recommended that parents spend time with their teenagers to exercise, read, and watch good educational movies together. Parents can also have fun family activities such as: traveling, hiking, camping, etc. with their teenage children.

c. Stay open and connected to people and to God to satisfy the relationship desires of the human heart. God created men with a desire to connect with other people. Regardless whether it is a single person, a married person, or a teenager, we need to learn to build relationships with other people: to care for each other, to share with each other, to support each other, so that when we satisfy our emotional needs from our relationships, we can avoid trying to seek self-gratification through masturbation. Parents need to be good role models and have their own best friends so that our children can see how we establish a deep connection with others and share our own joys and sorrows with them.

d. Believing that sex is God's good creation and it is one of the ways that couples can build intimacy in marriage, and that sex is a gift that can only be enjoyed within the context of marriage.

e. If we have already done all of the above and yet still masturbate, we need to understand that this is because of man's sinfulness. But God is holy. Let's just come to God openly and ask Him to forgive us, give us strength, have mercy on our weaknesses, and give us grace to help us overcome.

Parents also need to understand that teenagers are going through a period where they experience rapid hormonal changes in their growth. In addition to their unpredictable emotions, they are still at a stage where they do not know what to do about their sexual impulses. Therefore, when discussing the topic of masturbation at home, parents should be more tolerant and patient with them.

I believe that we need to explain to our children about the sinfulness of human nature and the holiness of God. Let them know that God still accepts and loves them even after they masturbate, but of course, they can't allow themselves to keep masturbating. This is important, or else our children will grow up feeling like they can't face God or other people because of their masturbation struggles, and then feel even more guilty about it.

When we, as parents, discuss with our children about the subject of masturbation, we shouldn’t be prideful. We need to be in the same place with our children and share with them truthfully that even as adults, we have our own struggles, that we are also tempted by pornographic information and sexual fantasies, and we have our own failures too. Let our children know our weaknesses, and share with them how we lean on God to overcome our temptations.

If you have children in your family who are going to be teenagers soon, I encourage you as parents to first plan out your own set of sex education based on your family and faith. Then, educate your children by yourself, and be open with them about the subject of sex.

This is because sex education from books or the internet, or even from a professional educational institution, may not actually match your family's values and beliefs.

I have always believed that home education is the foundation of all other educational systems.

It is my sincere hope that we will protect our teenage children and prepare them at home to face the tide of sexual proliferation.