Pattaya Grapevine May 2009

Pattaya

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Grapevine Issue 05 - MAY 2009

Thai

Lite

Places to go THINGS to DO People to see

Where are they NOW?

Cool

COMPETITION

where East meets West

New Columnist

London

DIARY Top 10

LOGOS 0f 20th

Century

Quiz

Pages

56

A Quick look around

Nong Nooch

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08. Where Are They Now? 12. Trials and Tribulations 16. Puzzle Mania 18. Amazing Thailand 14. Did you know?

24. Darren’s Little Ploy . Crazy Art . UK Pensions . Nightmarch . Lighter Side . London Diary . Thai LiteWhere life begins . A Fool in Paradise . Will Smith Competition . From Vientiane to Chang Mai

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TOP 10 LOGOS of 20th Century

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PENSIONS A UK pensioner who is married is entitled to an increase in his basic pension of 60%. This is true even if the Spouse is Thai. The spouse needs a National Insurance number (N.I.) from the UK which when given will entitle the spouse to. All benefits in UK have to be linked to a N.I. number.

£2,000.00 Bereavement allowance.

Form No. BB! 04/07 headed Bereavement Benefits A UK pension when she is of retirement age I gave the address for the age calculator in the last issue but will repeat it again. www.thepensionservice.gov.uk The UK government make it difficult to obtain a N.I, number, but not impossible. It’s just the usual government red tape and miss information. This allowance has to be claimed before April 2110, and once granted, lasts until 2020. If you have been married for a long time, the benefit will only be backdated 3 months and after being granted, you will receive back pay for the 3 months before application.

If you reside in the UK the form to use is, which can be found at State Pension dependants allowance [BF225] and called Adult Depedency Allowance, do not use this form if you live in Thailand If you reside in Thailand, you will need to request the form IPC368A 01/06 which is headed ‘Increase in benefit for your spouse for customers living outside the UK’.

This shows that the government policy is to make it difficult, if you live in the UK it is availale on the internet, but if in Thailand, you have to request it from the Social Security, another way to make it difficult for claimants/customers.

Do not send original documents to the Pension Service, send Notarized copies, do not send translated

documents, they have their own translators and do not trust outside sources. This also allows them to trip up the customer, by saying their translation of a name or date is different to what you put in English. In my own case they mistranslated my wife’s date of birth and the spelling of her name, they managed to spell her first name in 2 different ways. I expected this and after sending a notarized copy of her passport they had to correct their translations.

The pensions act was changed in 2007, and has far reaching ways to stop pensioners from receiving what they were promised, when they began paying compulsory national insurance.

Did you know the increase for pensioners living here was turned down by Strasbourg court of human rights, but an appeal to the full court will be heard on 2nd September this year?

We no longer have Pension Books in the UK

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where are they now? e s h t d n f o a B e n t s O eate e m Gr f All Ti o

The Who was one of the most innovative, powerful and influential bands in rock history, ranking with the Beatles and the Stones, even supported by Jimi Hendrix. Altogether, The Who, from their inception in 1964, sold 100 million albums, progressing through trad jazz, soul, Motown, Maximum R&B, and hard rock to arena rock. They influenced greats from Led Zeppelin to The Clash, being termed “The Godfathers of Punk” due to their aggression, Townsend and Moon’s pioneering of instrument destruction on stage and their rebellious attitude.

The band has been credited with devising the “rock opera” with Tommy, of which Life Magazine declared, “...for sheer power, invention and brilliance of performance, Tommy outstrips anything which has ever come out of a recording studio; Quadrophenia (a tribute to the tormented subjective life of the Mods, whom they exemplified until 1968); Rael, and recently, Wire & Glass.

Most momentous among their accomplishments are the 1970 ‘Live at Leeds’, thought by many the best live rock album of all time and ‘Who’s Next’ widely regarded as one of the greatest rock albums ever made; two tracks from which - “Baba O’Riley” and “Won’t Get Fooled Again” – being cited as pioneering examples of synthesizer use in rock music.

Accolades include being lauded in the 1990 Rockand-Roll Hall of Fame as prime contenders for the title of “World’s Greatest Rock Band”, In 1998, VH1 ranked The Who 9th in the 100 Greatest Artists of Rock ‘n’ Roll and later in 2000, 8th, the UK Music Hall of Fame in 2005, the 2006 Freddie Mercury Lifetime Achievement in Live Music Award.

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They received a Lifetime Achievement Award from the British Phonographic Industry in 1988, and from the Grammy Foundation in 2001, for creative contributions of outstanding artistic significance to the field of recording. Tommy was inducted into the Grammy Hall of Fame in 1998, “My Generation” in 1999 and Who’s Next in 2007. Townshend and

Daltrey received Kennedy Center Honors in December 2008, America’s highest cultural honour; the only rock band ever to receive the award. Q magazine named The Who as one of the “50 Bands to See Before You Die”. In 2004 Rolling Stone Magazine ranked The Who the 29th of the 100 Greatest Artists of All Time

Townshend pioneered the (accidental ) smashing of his guitar at the Railway Tavern in Harrow and Wealdstone, London, in September 1964, (credited by of Rolling Stone magazine’s as one of the “50 Moments That Changed the History of Rock ‘n’ Roll”), it was Moon’s later blowing up of his drums that caused Townshend’s virtually permanent deafness.

The Who performed at the some of the greatest rock concerts ever, including Woodstock, (the band’s performance later described by Townsend as ‘f*cking awful’), the Isle of Wight, Glastonbury, Charlton Athletic Football Ground (listed by Guinness Book of World Records for over a decade as the world’s loudest concert), Live Aid at Wembley Stadium, New York’s Madison Square Garden, London’s Royal Albert Hall, Live8 concert in London’s Hyde Park, Knebworth, the ill-fated 1979 Cincinnati, concert where 11 fans died, and the Concert For New York, the 9/11 memorial. They also toured on numerous occasions, including venues in the States, New Zealand, Helsinki, Paris and the 2000 tour, where Townshend introduced the band as “The F*cking Who” and finally Japan and Australia, 2008/2009.

Volatile personality clashes and frustration following Quadraphenia led to the band’s fragmentation and hiatus between 1975 and 1978 when The Who temporarily reunited to release “Who Are You”. The band reconvened in 1981 to record “Dances”.

The Who embarked on what they

As one critic declared “The smashed guitars and overturned (or blown up) drum kits they left in their wake fittingly symbolized the violent passions of a band whose distinctive sound was born of the couplings and collisions among Pete Townshend’s alternately raging or majestic guitar playing, Keith Moon’s nearly anarchic drumming style, John Entwistle’s facile, thundering bass lines, and Daltrey’s impassioned vocals”. Although

announced would be their last tour, ending with a 1982 Toronto concert. Although the group officially

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after which he became involved with Meher Baba, an Indian Perfect Spiritual Master, he still continued using drugs like cocaine, heroin, tranquilizers, and alcohol, demonstrated by falling asleep onstage, and finally suffering a near-fatal overdose in 1981.

broke up then, they have reunited to perform and tour several times since.

Although Townshend had vowed never to experiment with psychedelics again after a bad LSD trip in 1967,

Although Townshend had declared the immortal lines in ‘My Generation,’“Hope I die before I get old,”

it was Keith Moon’s prodigious drinking and drug abuse, including being paralyzed for days after accidentally ingesting an elephant tranquilizer, which led to the band’s first death, in 1978, after Moon’s overdosed on Heminevrin. Although the group continued for another three years, each of the three surviving original members stated repeatedly that the Who was never the same again. In 2001, John Entwistle died of a cocaine-fueled heart attack in his Hard Rock Hotel room.

Townshend and Daltrey are the only survivors.

“We don’t want to stop...” Daltrey said.“We don’t want those long hiatuses that we used to have...You should at least keep the ball rolling.”

N

ong Jung Yai- Tuk took her mother’s hand as they left Sapaiyont Hospital and stepped out into the sunshine.

The pair smiled at each other, but they knew that their happiness had come at a price.

Tuk is her mother’s youngest daughter. A few years ago she was diagnosed with kidney disease and since then the family has spent everything they have on treatment. They were even going to have to sell their house until their son-in-law came to the rescue. However, the illness refused to abate.

“We were desperate, I realised that there was only one solution, I would give Tuk one of my kidneys,” explained her mother. Of all the members of our family, only Tuk’s older sister, Lott, and I share the same blood group as her.

“Once I had made the decision, we faced a long and difficult process. Even when I was on the operating table, the doctors were still asking me if I was sure.”

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Many people have offered to donate kidneys, but we’ve later discovered that they were doing it in exchange for money. Others agree to the procedure, but become worried and change their minds when doctors explain what it involves.”

With his pale, sallow skin and dark shadows circling his eyes, Jeb looks younger than his 17 years.

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A total of 22 kidney transplants have been carried out in Sapaiyont Hospital. Of these, 18 were performed by Dr. Samai Butwong. He said that the operations can bring sadness as well as happiness.

“We have seen more than a few families taking their loved one home to wait for the end, knowing they have poured the very last of their money into dialysis treatment,” he said.

Her sister, Lott, offered to be the donor, but I would not allow it. She had recently married and still had her whole life ahead of her.”

Tr

Tuk’s health has improved dramatically since the surgery. “I feel better with every day that passes, but my mother still looks pale, she said.

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By Phil Webb

His father is desperate to donate a kidney to his only son, but doctors have refused to perform the operation as he is also suffering from heart disease.

a person’s life is as minimal as possible, and when both donor and recipient are absolutely certain they want to go ahead,” said Dr. Butwong.

“I am ready to die for my son,” he said. “I would do anything to save him.”

“It is illegal to buy, sell or barter organs in this country, because you cannot put a price on life. I will only perform transplants in special circumstances, and only then because I believe that you cannot put a price on the love one family member has for another.”

“I don’t want my father to give his life in exchange for mine, because he has to be here to look after my mother and my sisters,” said Jeb. “Sometimes I get angry with the world. I think, ‘Why me? Why do I have to go through this?’ But then I look at my father, and I see that he is experiencing my suffering many times over.”

His father explained that Jeb has been undergoing dialysis treatment for four years.

“We are running out of money, and we are running out of time. I am prepared to do whatever it takes to save my son’s life,” he said.

Dr. Butwong is sympathetic to their situation, but he has strict rules when it comes to performing transplants. “I consider kidney donation to be a noble and compassionate act of kindness. I will only carry out the procedure when I am confident that the risk to

Tuk, pictured on right, with her sister Lott, 3 months after her kidney transplant

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Did You

Know

The world is a fascinating place, filled with the most wonderful facts to stretch our imaginations. These are a few mind-boggling facts to impress you mates with at your next watering hole!!

John Logie Baird a Scottish inventor gave the first public demonstration of television in 1926 in Soho, London. Ten years later there were only 100 TV sets in the world. Today there are more than 1.5 billion TV sets in use with China having the most (300 million).

The US has more TV sets than telephones, with US citizens watching the most TV. By the age of 65 an American will have watched the equivalent of 9 years uninterrupted screening, viewing more than 20,000 TV commercials per year.

No doubt you are familiar with “The Paper Folding Problem,� wherein the challenge is to fold a piece of paper in half more than eight times.

Four years ago, this problem was solved by high school student Britney Gallivan, who set the world record with 12 mighty folds!.

Hydrogen gas is the least dense substance in the world.

A house fly lives only 14 days.

Is a world population of 6 billion too many?

Compare that with animals. There are more than a million animal species, there are 6,000 species of reptiles, 73,000 kinds of spiders, and 3,000 types of lice, for each person there is approximately 200 million insects. The 4,600 kinds of mammals represent a mere 0.3% of animals and the 9,000 kinds of birds only 0,7%. The most numerous bird species is the Red-Billed Quelea of southern Africa, there are an estimated 100 trillion of them.

The typical bolt of lightning heats the atmosphere to 50,000 degrees Fahrenheit.

Towards the end of the Forrest Gump Movie, Forrest narrates that his wife died on a Saturday. When he is at her grave in the next scene, the tomb stone shows her passing on March 22, 1982, which is a Monday.

Air becomes liquid at about minus 190 degrees Celsius.

An ostrich can run up to 70 km/h (43mph).

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A US ton is equivalent to 900 kg (2000 pounds).

A British ton is 1008 kg (2240 pounds), called a gross ton.

In 1919, 18-year-old Walt Disney teamed up with Ub Iwerks, to produce a series of cartoons entitled “Alice in Cartoonland.”

The Walt Disney Company was founded in 1923, and in 1927 Walt came up with the idea for an animated mouse called Mortimer Mouse, his wife Lillian, convinced him to change it to Mickey Mouse.

In 1876, the year the telephone was invented music was sent down the line for the first time.

African elephants only have four teeth to chew their food with.

Pork is the world’s most widely-eaten meat.

The heart of a blue whale is the size of a small car.

A giraffe can clean its ears with its 50cm (20 in) tongue.

Domestic cats purr at about 26 cycles per second, the same frequency as an idling diesel engine.

The oldest breed of dog is the Saluki.

A compass does not point to the geographical North or South Pole, but to the magnetic poles.

In Denmark there are twice as many pigs as people.

Sports command the biggest television audiences, led by the summer Olympics, World Cup Football and Formula One racing.

In September 1999 Dustin Philips of the US set a Guinness World Record by drinking a 400 ml (14-oz) bottle of tomato sauce through a straw in 33 seconds.

In his time, Michael Schumacher was the highest paid sportsman, ahead of Tiger Woods and Arnold Palmer.

(Not including sponsorship endorsements.)

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e l z z u P a i n a M Sudoku

Answers later in the magazine, good luck

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Places To Go Things To Do People To See Amazing Kayak Rally Family Aoluk Krabi Date: 3 May 2009 Venue: Ao Ko Ngam, Tambon Lamsak, Ampur Aoluk, Krabi Aoluk has a variety of tourist destinations, including caves, waterfalls, national parks, ancient mural paintings and marine tourist spots. The town plans to organise this event with the objective of promoting it as a tourist destination, especially for eco-tourism. The competitors will pass by the long range of Limestone Mountains lying in the Andaman Sea, with prehistoric mural paintings. They will also be impressed with the beauty of Ao Ko Ngam, which is the venue for Phang Nga Bay Regatta.

The application is limited to 50 teams, with a fee of 2,500 Baht per team. Each applicant will get a t-shirt, cap, lunch and dinner.

Further information at www.tat.or.th/krabicenter

Yasothon Bun Bangfai Rocket Festival Date: 8 - 10 May 2009 Venue: Phaya Thaen Park, Mueang District,Yasothon The unassuming northeast town of Yasothon is the venue for one of Thailand’s most spectacular yearly events, the Bun Bangfai Rocket Festival, with rocket owners packing as much as 25 kgs of black powder into plastic, or bamboo pipes, to give their homemade missiles oomph. The origins of this exceptionally noisy festival can be traced back to the times when the mystical skies were ruled by gods.

Approaching rain clouds signal the start of the rice planting season, but according to North-Eastern folklore, the first raindrops fall only when the gods are in the mood for love. They need encouragement, hence the importance of the Bun Bang Fai, or rocket festival, to stir the mythical community residents in the heavens, to bless the earth with

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fertility and rain.

The largest of the rockets will shoot more than a kilometre into the skies, with the vapour trail seen as an omen, the higher it soars, the more rain will fall, bringing the North-East plateau good luck and a bumper harvest.

However, not all the rockets are this big, they come in every imaginable size and colour, with their simple plastic or bamboo pipes packed with gunpowder blasting off into the skies. Furthermore, woe betide any budding rocket builder who gets it wrong, with each mishap, the crowds roar with laughter and proceeds to throw clumps of earth at the unlucky entrant.

The festivities are an excuse for the farming community to have fun and get the planting season off to a good start, they are entertained with comedy, often bawdy and with a smattering of dirty jokes and Country Music, and the odd misfiring rocket, plus plenty of Thai whisky, beer and great food. The hilarious three day party ensures an International mixture of foreigners, from many different countries around the world. The town’s hotels are fully booked for the period, often doubling their rates to cash in on the festival’s increasing popularity.

Amarin Outdoor Unlimited Chiang Mai Challenge 2009 Amazing Thailand Adventure Race Date: 9 May 2009 Venue: Chiang Mai The second year of the Chiang Mai Challenge!

Disciplines include biking, running, kayaking and swimming, racing through the mountains surrounding Chiang Mai.

There are three signature events in the 2009 series The season kicks off with the River Kwai Trophy in Kanchanaburi, followed by the inaugural Chiang Mai Challenge, and the second Bangkok Challenge, hosted in Nong Chok district, on the outskirts of the capital, this November.

Royal Ploughing Ceremony Day Date: 11 May 2009 Venue: Sanam Luang, Bangkok Held on the spacious grounds of Sanam Luang against the backdrop of imposing government buildings and the Grand Palace, this ancient Brahmin ceremony takes place on the 9th May, an auspicious time, timed to the second by festival custodians. Having origins in India, the rites of the Ploughing Ceremony can be witnessed in Myanmar, Thailand and Cambodia. Once the Brahmin priests have set the auspicious time, after consulting the stars and interpreting omens, the stage is set for Bangkok to turn back the pages from a modern commercial world and return to a ceremony that touches the soul and the essence of life itself. To the sound of tambourines and flutes, the Royal Ceremony draws various players to a pegged area of “Sanam Luang”, where omens will be interpreted to chart the course of the nation’s economy and wellbeing.

At the Royal pavilion, three golden Pa Nungs (sarongs) of different length are presented to the Minister. He dons one and his choice is considered an omen that gives the Brahmin priest a hint of the year’s prevailing weather and its impact on the harvest. If the minister chooses the shortest of the Pa

Nungs it suggests abundant rain, while the longest hints of drought and hard times. The medium length Pa Nung is considered the most appropriate for the economy, it suggests harmony in nature and perfect conditions for a bumper harvest.

Emerging from the pavilion the Minister leads two oxen tethered to the plough and in front of a vast crowd, he carefully ploughs three circular furrows to the sound of conch shells and trumpets. Four maidens, carrying baskets with blessed rice, follow the Minister as he begins the ploughing of three more furrows. They sprinkle the rice seeds in the furrows, while Brahmin priests sprinkle Holy water. As the Minister completes the third furrow the

crowds burst through the flimsy barrier to snatch the seeds from the earth, farmers believe that mixing them with seeds bought from the market will guarantee a handsome harvest. Finally, the oxen are led to the pavilion where they are offered seven bowls full of rice, corn, millet,

beans, grass, rice wine, and water; once again their choice is considered a vital omen that will assist the Brahmin priests to divine the year’s outcome for the nation. If the oxen choose rice, it signals a plentiful harvest, if they ignore the rice it hints of scarcity, and if they lower their heads towards the bowls of water, this suggests abundant rain.

by Gerd Treuhaft Author of ‘Goodbye Yesterday’ Gerd Treuhaft was a young, ambitious journalist living and working in Berlin in the late 1930’s.

His criticism of the Nazi regime led to his arrest by the Gestapo in 1938.

After a long and very successful career within journalism, he now resides in the UK where he writes his London Diary, which is circulated around the globe.

Britons try to improve their diets SALES of nuts, seeds and dried fruit have risen by nearly 40 per cent in the past five years as health conscious Britons try to improve their diets. The industry is now worth £538 million year figures showed last week. The growing trend for healthy snacking, as well as a return to cooking at home, has prompted the swell, market analyst Mintel said. The market should grow a further 30 per cent in the next four years, reaching £713 million in 2013 is predicted.

Britain faces a Pensions Time Bomb BRITAIN faces a pensions time bomb as figures show one in four will be over retirement age in few than 25 years.

The future cost of looking after more than three million people who can be expected to live to 85 and more, well over double the 1.3 million over 85s today, is set to be huge.

There were 9.5 million over-65s in Britain last year, fewer than one in six of the population. The figure is set to rise to 16.1 million by 2032, 23 per cent of the estimated 71 million population. Just less than 70 per cent of the 10 million population increase between now and then is expected to be a result of immigration.

Are married couples in a minority?

MARRIED couples will be in the minority, as increasing number choose to live together out of wedlock, official figures show. Already fewer than half of women aged between 18 and 49 are married, compared with threequarters in 1979, down almost 10 per cent in less than a decade, according to the Office for National Statistics.

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Alcohol death rates THE death rate of men from alcohol-related illness has doubled in 16 years, whereas the rate amongst women has risen more slowly in 2007. The total number of deaths related to drinking began to decline after years of steady increase, the Office of National Statistics said.

Talking about drinking, British drinkers guzzle more imported wine than any other country, knocking back on average 36 bottles a year. Wine’s popularity boom has boosted annual consumption by 3.4 bottles per person since 2003. It means Britain has overtaken Germany as the number one importer.

The secret to a long life SCIENTISTS could finally have unlocked the secret to a long life, the gene FOXO3A. They have found a variant more prevalent in centenarians and hope the discovery will lead to treatments to lengthen life and prevent disease.

Researchers compared the DNA from 388 centenarians along with 731 younger people, the variant was far more prevalent in the older group. This backed a study last year among Americans, of Japanese origin, aged 95 and over.

Professor Almut Nebel of Kiel University, Germany, said “This gene is probably important as a factor in longevity throughout the world”. FOXO3A has also been linked to ageing flies.

Ban smoking in your car ANTI-SMOKING campaigners are calling for a ban on people lighting up in cars. They claim the health damaged caused by one cigarette inside the car is as bad as a pub filled with smoke. Action on Smoking and Health

(ASH) says a ban would help to prevent passive smoking, protecting children.

The appeal comes in a report by the group which has revealed smoking costs the NHS £2.7 billion a year, a billion more than a decade ago. Furthermore, the cost would have risen to more than £3 billion annually, had action not led to a fall in the number of smokers from 12 to nine million.

However, another report revealed the ban on smoking in public has failed to increase the number of people quitting.

The proportion of men who smoke has actually risen since the ban in July last year, while there was no change at all among women.

Citizenship IMMIGRANTS must ‘earn’ British passports by carrying out voluntary work, paying taxes and learning English.

Those who make a greater effort to integrate, by, for instance, helping out at youth clubs or taking OAP’s shopping, could be ‘fast-tracked’. But economic migrants who commit crimes or do not find work will be sent home.

Currently, foreigners who come to Britain to work are allowed to stay after five years, but there is no obligation to become a citizen. This will be replaced by five years temporary residence, followed by a period of between one and five years of ‘probationary’ citizenship.

Credit Cards buy food.

A THIRD of Britons are relying on credit cards to make essential purchases, such as food, during the first part of the year, a survey for the Post Office by Opinium Research has indicated.

Relying on credit for day-to-day spending was not limited to one social group, the study found. A tenth of people expect to use credit cards more than last year.

London property has become good value for foreigners ALMOST two-thirds of property buyers in central London are foreigners taking advantage of the collapse of the pound and the falling market. With property prices down by about 20 per cent in sterling terms and the pound worth up to 40 per cent less against major currencies, London property has become exceptionally good value for foreigners. One estate agent dubbed it a “half-price-sale”.

According to research from estate agent Hamptons International, Britons now make up 37 per cent of buyers of prime London homes. The balance is roughly evenly split between buyers from America, Europe, and the rest of the world. The last group includes Russia, Japan, India, China and the Gulf States, but also Nigeria, Iran, Lebanon and Thailand. A buyer using US dollars can pick up a London property for almost 40 per cent less than in December 2007, according to Hamptons, a Euro buyer can get about 35 per cent off prices a year ago.

Hamptons research manager Rob Bruce said “The devaluation of sterling has created an extremely favourable climate for foreign investors in London”.

Britain lives in racially mixed families ONE in ten children in Britain lives in a racially mixed family. If trends continue, some ethnic minorities may vanish, as mixed-race families become the norm, a study suggested. Almost half of black Caribbean men are in a mixed-race relationship, compared with eight per cent of men of A Pakistani background, the Equality and Human Rights Commission says.

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Is Britain a nation of shoplifters?

BRITAIN has become a nation of shoplifters, with the cost of retail crimes hitting £4 billion in the past 12 months.

Champagne, whisky, designer clothes, razor blades and DVD, are high on the thieves’ lists. The villains, many in organised gangs, also snatch huge amount of perfume, children’s wear and speciality foodstuffs.

The Retail Theft Barometer survey shows Britain is the worst nation in Europe for shoplifting and third in the world behind the US and Japan. With security costs of £854 million the total cost of retail crime to Britain is £4.1 billion. Thirty-four per cent was down to crooked employees, making UK workers the most dishonest in Western Europe after Ireland.

Gerd.Treuhaft@Btinternet.com

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On the

Golfers play as the horses approach the winning post

Lighter Side

are The Old ones the Best Ones

the bag on top of the bar and sets He d. han in bag ng ppi sho old an h wit This man walks into a bar ll have to swill. As he states his he’ at wh s ask and r ove es com der ten bar The pulls up his stool. the paper bag. The bar tender gives a g kin sha und aro g vin mo is bag the in ing eth preference, som mug, he looks at the bag again and sees the ng filli s he’ As . tap the to ds cee pro but k puzzled loo . that something is still moving around in the bag the man. His curiosity gets the best of him He brings the beer over and places it in front of the bag and pulls out a little into s che rea n ma The . bag the in got s he’ at wh and he asks the man the piano as the man again reaches at ntly inte ks loo der ten bar the ... bar the on piano and sets it ces the bench in front of the piano and pla He ch. ben no pia all sm a out ling pul ... into the bag The man sits at the piano and begins n. ma tall t foo a out ling pul bag the into s che again rea play the piano, where did you get him?” can e sur he w, ”wo s, say der ten bar The g. yin pla out a genie lamp. He hands it to ls pul and bag the into s che rea in aga and him The guy looks at tender says, “Is there a real genie in bar the So ” it.. rub ad, ahe go re, “He s, say the bar tender and bar tender says okay and begins to rub the the So .” see and it rub just s, “Ye s, say guy there?” the “I will grant you one wish, and one wish only.” s, say She ie. gen ul utif bea this s pop out and lamp... says, “Okay, I’d like a million bucks.” and nt me mo a for this s der pon der ten bar the So and nothing happens. They both ting wai and ting wai h bot y’re the and . ars.

The genie disappe r a duck pops up at the end of the late ute min a n The . ers uld sho ir the ug shr and look at each other another duck appears... and another, n the and , zled puz y ver er, oth h eac at k loo h bar. They bot and another.. and it continues. k your genie is deaf. I said I wanted a million thin “I s, say and guy the at ks loo der ten bar The bucks not a million ducks.” wanted a twelve inch pianist?”

And the man says, “Yes, I know, do you think I

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Q: What goes click, click, click, “is th at it?” click, click, click, “is th at it?” click, click, click, “is th at it?”

A: Stevie Wonder with a Rubiks cube.

Q: Did ya hear about the ne w divorced Barbie doll?

A: She comes with all Kens stuff......

Paddock entrance and formguide vendor

Fishing B uddies The two budd ies went fishin g bu

t afternoon was over one was re by the time the ady to stab the “I don’t under other. stand it,” he cr ie d . “I have been longer than yo fishing u, I have a mu ch better rod, my line better, I th row and you’re get ting all the fish “I play hunches .” ,” the other ex plained. “Wh get up in the m en I orning, if my w ife is lying on side, I fish on her left the left side. If she is lying on side, I always fi her right sh on the righ t side.”

“Suppose she’s lying on her b ack?” his budd snarled. y “Then I don’t go fishing.”

Y O L P E L T T I L ’S

Short Story

N E R DAR

Darren wasn’t exactly what you’d call educated; hardly a man of letters, but he had a rare talent for language acquisition. He was a veritable mercurial spirit. Anyway, at the tender age of 25, Darren decided to go on holiday to Thailand and never returned to the UK.

During the next 20 years, he traipsed around Thailand and the adjacent countries of Laos, Cambodia, Burma and Malaysia, picking up the respective languages till he was virtually fluent in all of them. He wouldn’t generally let on with strangers that he understood their gist, though. He used to smirk knowingly to himself as the speaker blissfully assumed he was ignorant of their patois and invariably proceeded to ridicule and pour scorn on him. He seemed to attract it wherever he went. When he did eventually let on that he’d understood every phrase and nuance, by voicing some recondite utterance, they’d stare aghast, dumb-struck, till he broke the silence with his cynical laugh, after which he’d converse fluently, switching dialects until what he was saying in turn became totally incomprehensible.

You can imagine the fun he’d had at the expense of the

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Short Story Pattaya bar-girls when he eventually decided to settle in Fun Town, aka the Sex Centre of the Universe.

They’d merrily switch from mainstream Thai to LaoEsarn and occasionally Khmer, even Yuan, the dialect of Lanna, thinking all the time that they had him flummoxed. Some hope! Darren had had so many mia nois he’d lost count after the first six hundred. They’d virtually all dragged him off to visit family in deepest Esarn, Pak Thai in the south, Phuket, Chiang Rai, Tak, Trat or Aranya Phratet. He’d often stayed for long periods instead of returning to Pattaya and inevitably picked up every dialect, speaking like a native; mastering every tone, elongated vowel and consonant cluster till he was flawless.

But the best part was when he used his talents to nab the stunners.You know, the short-term mia chaos - rented wives for a fortnight - that are paraded around, fawning on the arms of the naïve male newcomertourists; the ones usually noticeable by their pallid skins and ludicrous clothes, flashing money around like it was confetti.You’ll have noticed how these mia chaos, whilst simultaneously clinging to their doting, newly acquired consort, will make eye-contact with every half presentable passing male from 19 to 90. Darren used to trawl the streets of Pattaya, Naklua and Jomtien, with stark white makeup on his face and arms, wearing shades with a hat pulled severely down to disguise his features, seeking out the drop dead gorgeous ones. When they made the inevitable eye-contact, and only then, he’d drop a 10 baht coin directly in their path. Apologizing in German to the blissfully ignorant consort, he’d pick it up, while swiftly switching dialects, so no novice would understand and then ascertain what bar she was from and take mental note.

Then, as the fabulous filly would invariably take her consort back to her bar-of-origin, Darren would make a point of patronising it until they showed up. He’d wait till

the consort went off to the loo and then sidle up to the filly and once again drop a 10 baht coin at her side to have an excuse ready for when the consort re-emerged. Then, he’d once again engage her in rapid fire conversation, pak wanning her in his

smooth-talking sugared speech; always guaranteed to impress.

He’d get her phone number and then return to his seat. Later that day and frequently thereafter during her sojourn with the lamb-fit-for-the-slaughter, he’d phone her and continue his verbal seduction. If the consort had the audacity to enquire quite who was ringing morning, noon, and night, she’d been primed to tell him it was her brother, who was shortly due to pay her a visit.

The next stage was for Darren to roar up to their hotel on a motorcycle, with dark brown makeup on this time, dressed as a Thai, in mid-calf length shortlongs and flip-flops, with a T-shirt emphasizing his muscularly-contoured chest and upper-arms, eating deep-fried scorpions and grasshoppers out of a paper cone. He’d also discarded the shades and hat. The filly would have been told to tell the consort that she could hardly turn away her noticeably forlorn brother, who she only saw once in a blue moon, then he mounted her on the back of his motorbike and whisked her off

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Short Story continued... for a yah-bah-&-ice cocktailed short time every afternoon, until the consort returned to the West, when he would move her into his pad for a lascivious sojourn. Before the consort departed, however, Darren’s love-object would have been primed to exhort the farang for the monthly Bt30,000 stay-out-of-the-bar stipend and the requisite bank account number and swift code provided.

After their departure, Darren changed his new love’s email address and they would batch-email every farang boyfriend the girl had ever collected. The up-the-ante process started with requests for two months’ rent after her cheating landlord had thrown her out on the street; next, minor ailments, interspersed with the odd accident, requiring hospital treatment, followed by funeral expenses for one of the four alternating grandparents. After this came plaintive news from the home farm of successive waves of fowl pest, avian flu, swine fever, shrimp plague, foot-and-mouth and mad buffalo disease, all requiring livestock replenishment.

Then came reports of collisions between multiple motorcycle-mounted extended family members and family water-buffalos, requiring replacement of motorcycles and buffalos and hospitalisation of relatives. After that, the girl first contracted a bilharzia-like complaint from fluke

infestation (despite the fact it was alien to Asia), followed by a mysterious brain disease, requiring extensive testing and experimental medication.

Finally, she became HIV positive from a contaminated blood transfusion, requiring a pharmacopeia of medicaments to stave off AIDS; ensuring the respective paramours’ continuing contributions. Not surprisingly, the pair made a fortune, till Darren became bored and started all over again.

Game, set and match; nice one Darren!

33

Top Thrill Dragster

Ohio, Ame

Ohio, America

“Keep Arms Down, Head Back, and Hold On!” Get ready for the ride of your life. This amazing speed machine is one of the tallest and fastest roller coasters on Earth. Climb aboard unique dragster-style trains and inch forward to the starting line. The engine revs.

Your heart pumps. The tree lights count down to green and you’re launched to speeds of 120 mph in less than 4 seconds.

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The ride’s just getting started as you climb 420 feet into the air, crest a massive hill and spiral 270 degrees as you speed towards the finish line.

The entire experience is over in 17 seconds. where East meets West

r

erica

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NightMARCH That was the month that was (email: duncanstearn@gmail.com)

Tales from the Crib: Some people should really not bother getting involved with wallet emptiers who ply their trade as molesters of the chrome pole.

Actually, this also goes for many ladies of dubious virtue who prop up one side of a beer boozer. The following story was related to me by a man with dark circles under his eyes, caused not by a night of unbridled mattress dancing

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with a willing member of the distaff side of the gene pool, but from being kept awake for much of the night and early morning by the incessant ringing of a mobile phone.

Now, before you say, “why didn’t he turn it off?” the answer is quite simple: the phone didn’t belong to him. Instead, it was the prized possession of a member of the Pattaya Chrome Pole Molesting Collective, and, as anyone who has read their articles of association would be aware, it is deemed an offence to turn off the said device.

So, while the lady of vacillating virtue was prepared to accompany a strange man back to his abode to engage in activities of a fornicating nature in return for monetary recompense, he had to endure a regular series of phone calls, commencing at 3:00am and continuing every

hour on the hour until 8:00am, from the lady’s ‘boyfriend’ [read: ATM] in England.

Do you think the man in question might have somehow been thinking the love of his nocturnal emissions wasn’t completely to be trusted? He is one hundred percent correct of course. When the man she was suggested she turn the phone off to avoid the annoying interruptions, the lady made it clear her absent paramour had told he was coming back so they could be joined in holy wedlock.

A true romantic.

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On the

Lighter Side REVENGE is Sweet!

l brothel, dragOne day, little Tommy wanders into the loca behind him (FX: ging a dead frog on a piece of string along woman at the thud, thud, thud, etc.) He goes up to the please.” “Go home, front and says “Please, Miss, I’d like a girl y, “you’re too sonny” replies the proprietor, not unkindl young yet for this.” out a £50 note Tommy reaches into his pocket and drags htly. which he slaps on the desk and beams brig es the reply as “Up the stairs, 3rd door on the right” com the £50 vanishes. etc.) when Tommy star ts to climb the stairs, (Thud thud got to have active he runs back again. “I forgot, this girl has s are clean!” herpes!” he cries. “No way kid, all our girl another £50 apTommy reaches into the other pocket and told. pears. “Ahh, last door on the left...” he is dead frog on Tommy climbs the stairs, still dragging the e later reappears. the string (thud, thud, thud,) and some tim and is about to go He waves to the woman at the front desk out (avec frog) when she calls him back. says, “but “I can understand curiosity at your age,” she why the active herpes?” baby-sitter will “Well,” says Tommy, “when I go home, the e and she’ll get be there. I’ll screw her before she goes hom e and have her in the herpes. Later on, dad’ll take her hom herpes. Later the back of the Mercedes, and he’ll get the she will get on, he’ll get back and jump on mummy and go to work, the the herpes too. In the morning, daddy will my and he’ll milkman will come and get in bed with mum get the herpes and MY FROG!” HE’S THE BASTARD WHO RAN OVER

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I Don’t mean to brag, but...

Some race horses stayin g in a stable.

One of them starts to bo ast about his track record. “Out of my last 15 races, I’ve won 8!”

Another horse breaks in, “Well out of my last 27 races, I’ve won 19!!”

“Oh that’s good, but out of my last 36 races, I’ve won 28!”, says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound has been sittin g nearby listening.

“I don’t mean to boast,” says the greyhound, “but out of M Y last 90 races, I’ve won 88!”

The horses are clearly am azed.

“Wow!” says one, after a hushed silence. “A talking dog.”

y o B t n a y o v The Clair le boy, who could

tt ers, clairvoyant li a e c n o s a ying his pray w sa e il h There w t h ommy, ture. One nig God bless M “ , h foresee the fu is n fi to ye was heard ndma, goodb ra the little boy G ss le b d o dead of ddy, G ther dropped fa d n God bless Da ra g is h e next day Grandpa.” Th God . as praying, “ w y o b a heart attack le tt li dma.” later, the oodbye Gran g A few weeks , y d d a D ss y a bus y, God ble ther was hit b o bless Momm m d n ra g r o his po a thing.

The next day she never felt -t e re st g and e th g oy was prayin b while crossin le tt li e th r, late A month or so mmy, goodbye Daddy.”

M , very less o imself driven h d said, “God b a h e H . d nicke guard in His father pa by an armed , rk o w to , ly ’t slow d. He couldn e ir h carefully and e h k c u ords, security tr about those w an armoured g in k in th r, e , but howev e home early m a c concentrate, y ll a n fi addy.” He “Goodbye D id, y. wife, who sa is h y b r very carefull o o d t e most t the fron ay, dear? Th He was met a d to d e n e p p a the back u think h “What do yo pped dead on ro d n a m k il the m awful thing, porch.”

Competition • • •

Born: Will Smith, 25 September 1968 Birthplace: Philadelphia, Pennsylvania Best Known As: Popular rapper and star of the film Men in Black Will Smith was the “Fresh Prince” part of the 1980s musical pop duo D.J. Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince, and by 1990 his charisma and infectious enthusiasm had landed him the lead in a TV sitcom, The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. His television success led to film roles, and in the late 1990s he won big at the box office with Bad Boys (1995, with Martin Lawrence), Independence Day (1996, with Jeff Goldblum) and Men in Black (1997, with Tommy Lee Jones). He also continued his music career, releasing the albums Big Willie Style (1997) and Willennium (1999), but eventually it took a back seat to his A-list Hollywood movie career. Smith is primarily known for his action/comic roles, but he’s proven himself in dramas -- nominated for an Oscar twice, as boxer Muhammad Ali in 2001’s Ali, and as a down-on-his-luck dad in The Pursuit of Happyness (2006).

His other films include Enemy of the State (1998, with Gene Hackman), I, Robot (2004, based on the novel by Isaac Asimov), Hitch (2005) and I Am Legend (2007).

How do you fancy a magical roof top panoramic view of Pattaya, while dinning in style at one of Pattaya’s most beautiful restaurants? Dine in cool air-conditioning or outside on the terrace at

“Le Saigon”.

The prize is for 2 persons to dine at the restaurant up to the value of 3,000 Bht. All you have to do to win this mouth watering prize is answer the following question.

What are the names of Will’s parents?

Please submit your entry by email to competitions@pattayatoday.net or by telephone on 038 410 077 Good Luck!

Photo of lucky winners will be published in next months Grapevine.

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Where Life Begins Readers may recall that the issue of abortion came up during the recent U.S. presidential campaign. In the debate moderated by Rick Warren at the Saddleback Church, Barack Obama and John McCain were asked at what point in the evolution of the fetus life begins. Obama ducked the question by saying it was above his pay grade; McCain replied that life begins at conception.

This question is vital to the issue of abortion, because once the fetus is deemed to be alive, killing it constitutes murder. Conservative Christians and right-to-life advocates usually believe that life begins at conception. Pro-choice advocates tend to think that life begins some time after conception. Thus far, science has been unable to give us a definitive answer.

Until now. In an electrifying development, Dr. Zoltan Zherkov, an eminent biologist at the University of Pisovia in the small Central Asian nation of East Wakkistan, has formulated a startling new theory. Recently he was in Pattaya for a conference on bioethics. I interviewed him at his posh digs in the Luxuriana Sybarite Resort, Spa,Yoga Ashram, Holistic Wellness Centre, Somtam Stall & Laundromat on Soi Dogpoo: Tsow: Dr. Zherkov, welcome to Pattaya.

Zherkov: T’ank you. Nize town. Nize chicks.

Tsow: What’s this new theory you have on the origin of life?

Zherkov: Vell, biologists haff traditionally believed zat life begins eizzer at conception or some time zereafter. Ze truth is far more horrifying. My researches haff led me to believe zat life begins much earlier.

Tsow: But how can it begin any earlier than conception?

Zherkov: Life begins in ze schperm.

Tsow: I beg your pardon? In the—?

Zherkov: In ze schperm. Ze semen. Ze vhite schtuff zat comes out of your liddle villy when you consummate your relationship viz a charming young lady. You vant I should draw you a picture?

Tsow (enlightened): Ah, in the sperm.

Zherkov: Yas. Und also in ze ovum.

Tsow: Errrr…how can that be? You mean the sperm and the ovum are already alive?

Zherkov: Yas. Life is present in both ze schperm and ze ovum.

You know zat old Monty Python song from ze film “Ze Meaning of Life”? (singing) “Effery schperm is sacred, / Effery schperm is good. / Effery schperm is needed / In your neighborhood.” Vell, it’s true.

Effery schperm is alive, hence sacred. Ze ovum is alive und sacred, too. Und ziss presents terrible problems for bioethics.

Tsow: I’m not sure I understand.

Zherkov: Ze right-to-life people object to abortion because zey say it is murder. Vell, vhat if zey knew zat life is in ze schperm? Zat means

y

B Written

S. Tsow

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zat killing a schperm is murder, too, und efferyone who kills a schperm is a murderer. You know ziss vord, “meschturbation”?

Tsow: Er, masturbation? Yes, I know that word quite well. It was a favorite activity in my youth.

Zherkov: Vell, t’ink of it, man! It has been said zat 90% of men meschturbate, and ze 10% zat say zey don’t are liars. Effery man has meschturbated t’ousands of times in his life. And vith effery orgasm, t’ousands of schperms are killed, every vun of zem a living organism! Ze conclusion: Effery man on zis planet is a mass murderer. You vant to talk about veapons of mass destruction? Look at ze hands of men. Zey are schtained viz blood. Und schperm, of cuss.

Tsow: Wow, that’s mind-blowing. But what about women?

You say the ovum is alive, too?

Zherkov: Viz vomen ze situation is different. Effery time a voman has her period, an ovum dies. But ze voman cannot prevent her period. It is a natural t’ing.

So viz vomen, ze murder is involuntary. Und it’s only vun life per month. But men! Zey murder t’ousands of lives viz effery orgasm. Und it is intentional! Some men meschturbate effery day!

Tsow: Maybe two or three times a day, if they’re up to it.

This is only hearsay, of course. I have no personal experience of such shameful excess.

Zherkov: Ze toll of life taken in ziss vay is schtaggering. If justice vere to be served for all zose murdered schperm, effery man on earth vould have faced ze gallows millions of times, long ago. Our guilt as a schpecies is enormous. All ze holocausts und killing fields und atrocities of hischtory cannot begin to compare to ze body count of all zose dead schperms. Millions und billions—enough to populate an entire universe.

Tsow: That is truly staggering. What are we to do about it?

Zherkov: Ve muscht make ziss situation clear to all, und establish schperm banks to store ze unvanted schperms. Ve can easily manufacture schpecial test tubes designed schpecifically for meschturbation. Ve can mount a “Save Your Schperm” campaign to exhort young men to save zeir schperms in test tubes und zen deposit zem in schperm banks before zey perish.

Tsow: This is a wonderful idea. The “right to life” people will surely be pleased.

Zherkov: Und vait till you hear my idea for ovum banks.

S. Tsow can be upbraided for writing such filth at s.tsow@ymail.com, except when he’s wondering what would happen in the event of a merger between a sperm bank and an ovum bank.

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Fool A

in Paradise Doggy

Bag

The following story can be found in the book A Fool in Paradise by Neil Hutchison.

It is a true story, as most of them are, and happened quite a few years ago. It has been edited down for inclusion in this magazine.

It was his first trip to Thailand so I went to Bangkok airport to meet him and escort him to Pattaya.

Actually, he was a seasoned traveller already but only throughout Europe and the US. Somehow, Asia had always escaped his travel plans and I had a problem convincing him to come over at all. I think he only gave in to shut me up because I never stopped talking about how wonderful Thailand and Pattaya were. In retrospect, this was not one of my brightest ideas because I was now under intense pressure to ensure his holiday was every bit as good as I had promised.

What if he got sick? What if he got mugged or hit by a motorcycle? What if he had a terrible time? All of these thoughts kept running through my head as I boarded the bus for the airport. The only solution seemed to be to volunteer myself as his official foodtaster, throw myself between any menacing vehicle and his tender flesh and to pray to any God who was listening to please hold off on the rain for a week or so.

His plane was on time and we had a comfortable,

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incident-free trip to Pattaya. The hotel checkin completed, I suggested we should go for a wander to give him a brief orientation and let him familiarise himself with a few of the nearer drinking establishments. Alas, it was late and he was tired, so we arranged to meet the following day at 2:00pm, this being the usual time that Pattaya residents wake from their alcohol-induced slumber.

The next day, at 2:00pm, I found him sitting in the foyer of his hotel. He did not look very happy so I inquired as to what was wrong. I thought there may have been a problem with the hotel or his room.

“Don’t ask”, he stated glibly. Now of course, as soon as anyone tells you not to ask, what do you do? He still wouldn’t tell me so I threatened to hold my breath until he did.

“You’re going to think I’m an idiot.”

I was about to reply, “what’s the ‘going to’ bit?” but decided to bite my tongue until I heard his story.

His night’s sleep was good but, unfortunately, he was still suffering from jetlag and his body clock decided he should get up at the unheard of hour of 10:00am. With nothing to do and four hours to do it in, he decided to

venture out on his own to discover the ‘real’ Thailand.

If we had had more time together I could have told him he would never find the ‘real’ Thailand here in Pattaya.

But the hotel kindly provided a free Pattaya map with the location of his hotel clearly marked ‘you are here’ and he wanted to play adventurer. Being somewhat hungry, his first task was to look for a good Thai restaurant where he could try authentic Thai food. He was quite partial to hot and spicy food as long as it was not at the furnace stage.

After leaving the hotel it only took a two hundred metre walk before, as luck would have it, he found what he was looking for. In fact, luck had nothing to do with it because if you walked anywhere around Pattaya and did not find a Thai restaurant within two hundred meters it would be astounding.

He sat at an empty table and the waiter approached with the menu – all in Thai, except for a smattering of English words here and there. He glanced at the page and picked out what English he could decipher.

“Is this one chicken?” he asked. A nod and a smile affirmed his guess. No, on second thoughts, I don’t feel like chicken.

“What about this one? Is the pork fried or barbecued?”

Another nod confirmed that the waiter could not understand a word he said. Pointing to the next item he simply asked, “Fish?” Much nodding and smiling.

And so it went on, the pointing, the smiling and the waiter, with pencil and paper in hand, nodding enthusiastically. Finally he decided he did want chicken after all. He moved his finger back to his first choice and handed the menu back to the grinning waiter who then retreated to the kitchen.

It was about then he noticed that the three Thais sitting at the next table were laughing and, not too subtly, looking his way. Let them laugh, he mused. If they came to my country and could not speak the language I would probably be laughing at them too.

Five minutes later a beaming waitress arrived with a hot dish and placed it before him. This is fish, not chicken. Never mind. It looked and smelled delicious so he was not going to argue the point. With fork and spoon in hand he was about to take his first mouthful when the waitress returned with another steaming hot plate. This time it was chicken. Two? Confused, he again decided not to protest but try his two course meal instead. Next came a large bowl of boiled rice. That’s ok. One cannot have a meal in Asia without rice. Then came another dish, this time barbecued chicken. Then another … and another. All in all, eight plates of food appeared on his table, plus the one bowl of rice. With

his mouth agape, the laughter from his Thai neighbours was now clearly audible and understandable.

“I didn’t order all this,” he protested.

The waiter, smiling and nodding, took out his notepad and pointed to the page with eight lines of Thai writing on it.

“You order.”

The penny dropped with a thud that could be heard clear across the Pacific. While my friend had merely been questioning the items on the menu, the waiter had been merrily noting each one down as his order. My friend decided to accept his fate rather than look more foolish than he already felt.

Unable to control myself any longer, the tears welled up in my eyes as I burst with laughter.

“What did you do?” was all I could get out.

“I pretended it was what I wanted and that I was a foodtaster,” much as a food connoisseur or food critic would sample the delights of a restaurant before writing a review in Pigs Monthly.

“The bill came to six hundred baht.”

With my speech still impaired by laughter, I could not resist.

“Why didn’t you ask for a doggy bag?”

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New Thai Cocktail Thailand hopes new cocktail can lure back tourists CUBA’S got the Mojito. There’s the Singapore Sling and the Manhattan. Thailand hopes a newly created drink called ‘Siam Sunrays’ will enter the world’s cocktail lexicon and help draw tourists back to the country.

The Tourism Authority of Thailand unveiled the drink recently, calling it ‘Thailand in a glass - the new punch in Thai tourism’.

It’s the latest strategy to revive Thailand’s key tourism industry, which was battered by political protests recently.

‘Successful signature drinks are one way to fast-track holiday destinations onto the world tourism map,’ the tourism authority said in a joint statement with the Thai Hotels Association.

Siam Sunrays was the winner of a competition sponsored by the two agencies to create a national cocktail.

‘Thailand’s new signature drink is based on very Thai ingredients,’ the statement said, adding that the drink was now available at hotels and resorts across the country.

Ingredients:

2 small red Thai chili peppers - 1 stalk lemon grass 3 quarter-size slices ginger root - Kaffir lime leaf (optional) 1 ounce vodka - 1 ounce coconut-flavored rum, preferably Bacardi 1/4 ounce freshly squeezed lime juice - 1/2 ounce simple syrup Ice - Club soda (optional)

Directions: Cut a small sliver from one of the Thai chili peppers; reserve the rest for another use. Reserve the remaining whole chili pepper for garnish.

Remove the tough outer layer from the lemon grass. Use the flat side of a large knife to smash the lemon grass, then cut crosswise at the root end of the stalk to yield three 1/4-inch slices. Cut 1 thin sliver from the opposite end to use as a garnish.

Combine the ginger, 3 lemon grass pieces, the sliver of chili pepper and the kaffir lime leaf, if using, in a cocktail shaker; muddle to release the ingredients’ aroma and flavor.

Add the vodka, coconut rum, lime juice and simple syrup, then enough ice to fill the shaker two-thirds full.

Shake well for at least 30 seconds, then strain into an ice-filled old-fashioned glass.

If desired, add a splash of club soda. Garnish with the whole Thai chili pepper and the sliver of lemon grass stalk.

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Quick Crossword & Sudoku Answers

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sman t o c S , n a Englishm an m h s i r I d n a d

man ha nd a Scots a n a m h is having man, an Ir itory and, r r te An English y m e ntenced to red in en been captu with spying, were se . The Englished ing been charg g squad in the morn to get out of rin going death by fi s, if we’re p a g squad’s h c y sa “I r t the firin e iv d s man says; t’ e L the confued a plan. oot and in sh y e this we ne th e wall”. just before attention ape over th e noo” and the sc e r u o e k a th sion and m an agrees; “Och aye m ts o c S e h T ne, ys “32”. d, one by o e Irishman sa xecution arrives an . d squa Th e the firing r The day of fo d e n o he shouts re summ e aim and k ta the men a y e th , n that foln is first e confusio th in Englishma d n a , ears. phants !” and disapp ll a w “Look, ele e th r e order to mps ove st before th in the Ju lows he ju t. x e n an is , and The Scotsm outs “Hurricane !” and sh t r the wall o e v sc o e s p th t m o ju o sh s he that follow confusion ding before s. es and stan iv r disappear this r a n r an tu “Aim..” at The Irishm the order is given squad “F I R E !” the firing man shouts h is Ir e th moment

ADVERTISING ICONS OF THE

CENTURY Top

ten

Some of the best-loved ad images of the 20th century have names like Tony, Walt and Ronald. Others, like the Marlboro Man, may not be as beloved, but grew to have tremendous worldwide impact as an instant identifier of Philip Morris Co.’s Marlboro cigarettes.

From frozen vegetables to soft drinks, from fast food to automobile tires, these carefully drawn characters are the personifications of businesses that began small but grew to become dominant brands in their fields, thanks in large part to their famous icons.

Many of the most famous ad icons were the brainchild of one agency: Chicago-based Leo Burnett Co., which specialised in building brands through the use of enormously popular characters, including the most effective icon of all time, the Marlboro Man. Advertising Age’s list of the Top 10 ad icons of the 20th century recognises those images that have had the most powerful resonance in the marketplace. The criteria include effectiveness, longevity, recognisability and cultural impact.

The Marlboro Man

PRODUCT: Marlboro cigarettes DATE INTRODUCED: 1955 The most powerful, and in some quarters, most hated, brand image of the century, the Marlboro Man stands worldwide as the ultimate American cowboy and masculine trademark, helping establish Marlboro as the best-selling cigarette in the world.

Today, even a mention of the Marlboro Man as an effective ad icon brings protests from healthcare workers who see first-hand the devastation wrought by decades of cigarette smoking. More than any other issue, the ethics of tobacco

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advertising, both morally and legally, have divided the advertising industry.

But even those ad professionals who abhor the tobacco industry will, when pressed, agree that the Marlboro Man has had unprecedented success as a global marketing tool for selling Philip Morris Cos.’ brand.

TONY THE TIGER

PRODUCT: Kellogg’s Sugar Frosted Flakes (later Frosted Flakes) DATE INTRODUCED: 1951 Only one famous feline (sorry, Morris) can rightfully claim he’s the cat’s meow of commercials: Tony the Tiger.

Adland’s premier promotional pussycat was born in 1951, when Burnett was hired to create a campaign for Kellogg’s new cereal, Sugar Frosted Flakes. Tony was originally one of four animated critters created to sell the cereal, but he quickly edged out Katy the Kangaroo, Newt the Gnu and Elmo the Elephant to become the sole star of the cereal maker’s ad efforts.

Tony’s original designer, children’s book illustrator Martin Provinsen, first created an orange cat with black stripes and a blue nose who walked on all fours. But like most celebrities, Tony has undergone extensive cosmetic changes over the decades.

The most dramatic alteration occurred early in his career, when Tony’s football-shaped head was replaced with a rounder, softer form. That was followed by a series of other minor face-lifts such as an eye colour change from green to gold and the addition of “whisker bones” and contours.

THE PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY

PRODUCT: Assorted Pillsbury foods, including refrigerated dough, bakery mixes and rolls DATE INTRODUCED: 1965 Burnett creative director Rudy Perz was sitting at his kitchen table in the mid-1960s when he dreamed up the idea of a plump, dough figure that would pop out of a tube of refrigerated rolls. Since then, Pillsbury has used Poppin’ Fresh in more than 600 commercials for more than 50 of its products.

Although Perz had originally conceived His Doughness as an animated character, he changed his mind after seeing a stop-action tilting technique used in the opening credits for “The Dinah Shore Show.”

The decision was made to create a 3-D Doughboy doll of clay at a cost that seemed like a small fortune 34 years ago, $16,000.

THE GREEN GIANT

PRODUCT: Green Giant vegetables DATE INTRODUCED: 1928 The Green Giant’s national ad debut in 1928 was disappointing. Minnesota Valley Canning Co. developed the Giant as a product trademark, but in his earliest days he was stooped and scowling, wore a scruffy bearskin and looked more like the Incredible Hulk than the grand old gardener he is today.

Enter ad agency Erwin, Wasey & Co. The assignment for the Giant’s transformation was tackled by none other than young Leo Burnett, who improved the Giant’s hunched posture, turned his scary scowl into a sunny smile and clothed him in a light, leafy outfit. He also gave the tender tall guy a new backdrop -- a valley of crops that highlight the Giant’s height.

When Mr. Burnett opened his own agency in 1935, Minnesota Valley was one of its first clients. The Burnett agency soon added the word “Jolly” to the giant’s name, and by 1950, Minnesota Valley changed its name to Green Giant Co.

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ADVERTISING ICONS OF THE

Michelin Man

PRODUCT: Michelin tires DATE INTRODUCED: 1898 Andre Michelin commissioned the creation of this jolly, rotund figure after his brother, Edouard, WALT DISNEY observed that a display of PRODUCT: Walt Disney stacked tires resembled a DATE INTRODUCED: 1975 human form. The artist’s sketch Co-founded by Walter Elias of a bloated man made of tires was Disney, the Walt Disney exactly what the brothers had in Company today has branched mind. out to various entertainment One in particular, is picturing the studios, theme parks, products and character lifting a beer glass and shouting, “Nunc est other media productions with an annual revenue of bibendum! (Now is the time to drink!)”, appeared to approximately US $30 billion’. embody Michelin’s slogan at the time, “Michelin tires The Walt Disney Castle Logo, like the company, has swallow up all obstacles.” served as a beacon for decent family entertainment The artist reworked the hulking figure, replacing and worldwide recognition. The Walt Disney logo is a the beer bottle with a goblet of nails and glass that the ‘stylised version of the founder’s signature’ that character rose in a toast to all road hazards. signifies the brand name and promises secure, cheerful ‘ Today, the and quality American mainstream entertainment.

Other than the regular logo, the company uses Michelin Man is different logos on its different products. A castle on one of the world’s a blue background version of the Walt Disney logo is oldest and most used for the movie releases and as the curtain-raiser to its films. recognized Similarly, the Walt Disney signature with “World” trademarks and added to it is used for the company’s resorts “Walt Disney World Resort”, a Mickey’s head is adopted for it represents the company’s Mickey Mouse Club and “Studios” was Michelin in over added to the Walt Disney logo signifying Disney Studios around the world.

150 countries’.

CENTURY

MICROSOFT

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PRODUCT: Microsoft Windows Operating System DATE INTRODUCED: 1975 Founded in 1975, Microsoft Inc. is ‘the worldwide leader in software, services and solutions that help people and businesses realise their full potential’. The company is famous for inventing and offering innovative products such as Windows, Office, Xbox, etc., that truly symbolise advanced technology. Even its logo, is a physical manifestation of the company’s technological pursuits.

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The Microsoft logo is a perfect example of ‘innovation meets simplicity’. The logo intelligently expresses the company’s mission of providing quality products to the customers with its strong slogan and simple typeface. The Microsoft logo like the company has become synonymous with latest computer technologies, innovative ideas and the comprehensive development of both. The logo consists of a simple typeface with an equally powerful slogan symbolizing potential and passion.

Though the Microsoft logo was subjected to major critical transformations over the decades, its principal message has remained largely

COCA COLA

PRODUCT: Coca Cola DATE INTRODUCED: 1885 Coca-Cola is the world’s most popular soft drink. Sold in more than 200 countries, it is produced by The Coca-Cola Company and is often simply referred as Coke. Originally intended as a ‘patent medicine’ when it was invented in the late 19th century by pharmacist John S. Pemberton as a ‘coca wine’, Coca-Cola has dominated the worldwide soft drink market for decades now. The Coca-Cola logo, like the product itself, is rated among the most recognized logos and brands in the world.

The first Coca-Cola logo was created by John Pemberton’s partner and bookkeeper, Frank Mason Robinson, in 1885. Thinking that the two Cs would look well in advertising, it was Robinson who came up with the name and chose the logo’s distinctive cursive script.

The Coca-cola Bottle typeface used, known as Spencerian script, was developed in the mid 19th century and was the dominant form of formal handwriting in the United States during that period. The red and white coloured scheme in the Coca-Cola logo was kept simple and distinctive to lure young minds. Even the CocaCola bottle symbolised the ‘youthful exuberance of America’. Since then, various designs of the Coca-Cola bottle had been released over the decades. But the ever popular version is the famous 1915’s curved-vessel bottle called the “contour bottle”, better known to many as the “hobble skirt” bottle. Though mistakenly designed as cacao pod, the bottle like Coca-Cola logo has been highly popular and is often regarded as the best design ever.

The Energizer Bunny

PRODUCT: Eveready Energizer/Duracell batteries DATE INTRODUCED: October 1989 Say what you will about his long ears and drumming hands, the Energizer Bunny is one icon who’s got legs.

Marketing experts call it the “ultimate product demo” because it does such an effective job of showcasing the product’s unique selling proposition, long-lived batteries, in an inventive, fresh way.

“The Bunny has become the ultimate symbol of longevity, perseverance and determination,” says Mark Larsen, communications category manager for Energizer. During the past decade, everyone from politicians to sport stars used the Energizer Bunny to describe their staying power.

RONALD MCDONALD

PRODUCT: McDonald’s restaurants DATE INTRODUCED: 1963 The clown’s astounding powers have certainly worked their magic for McDonald’s since he was introduced in 1963. The spokesfigure helped make McDonald’s

the most dominant fast-food chain on the planet. He also exemplifies one of the most important qualities of an effective commercial character: He doesn’t sell for McDonald’s, he is McDonald’s.

Ronald was first introduced by McDonald’s Washington franchisee Oscar Goldstein and a local ad agency in 1963 . Since then his name has been attached to a major charitable organization, the Ronald McDonald Foundation; he’s starred in films; and he’s even danced with the New York City Rockettes.

After a brief flirtation with acting adult in ads for McDonald’s failed Arch Deluxe sandwich in the mid1990s, Ronald returned to his roots and continues to be used mostly as a fast-food ambassador for kids. His face is recognized by nearly 96% of American children, and sells for the fast-food chain in more than 25 languages.

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From Vientiane to Chiang Mai “Hey Dad, I forgot to get a long term ThaiV

by Gary Hacker isa; mine expires in two days.”

My daughter Kelly’s papers are spread out in preparation for a three month medical study tour in Chiang Mai that she is due to start next week.

“Kelly, no good, we gotta get you out of the Kingdom and get a double entry TouristVisa”.

Immigration says Lao is the way to go, as they are issuing 60 Day Tourist Visas with double entry. “Daddy, how about taking a drive up to Vientiane and then on to Chiang Mai?” (Kelly and I have been there twice before) I thought about the idea…….I haven’t taken a drive adventure through Northern Thailand in over a year; “OK, Kel”, I reply, “let’s go”.

Driving a vehicle into Lao requires a “drive permit”. This entails securing an address verification statement from Immigration and applying to the local Vehicle Registration Bureau with copies of your passport and copies of the “Blue Book” showing you own the vehicle. Entry Visas and insurance can be obtained at the Lao end of the Friendship Bridge.

As almost anyone knows, its a long drive up to Lao. Better to do it in two legs; we decide to spend the night in Khon Kaen and drive through to Nong Kai and to the Bridge the following day. From Pattaya, you can go through Bangkok and up to Korat but we elect to proceed on #304 through Chachoengsao, Kabinburi, over the mountain and pickup Hwy 2; this takes about five hours. There are some good restaurants for a quick lunch stop in Korat.

“Remember that hotel up in Khon Kaen Dad?” I recall

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“The CharoenThani Princess” is a high-rise, one of a cluster of three similar hotels “The Kosa & The Pullman”. The Princess has a fitness center, a pool, good food and large clean rooms. We paid 999 Baht not including breakfast. In-room Wireless is 150 Baht for two hours and adjacent parking is secure and free. We seek out and discover two excellent little spots to eat, one a Thai/Chinese and one with a varied menu and both only a short walk from the hotel. (“5 Dao” at 3/14 Sarijon” and ”Didine” at 7/9 Prachasamran).

I had envisioned a long drive from Khon Kaen to reach the Bridge and was ecstatic to drive it in a tad over three hours, passing through Udon Thani on the way.

Thai

Immigration took an hour to stamp us out of the Kingdom and clear us over the Bridge and Lao Immigration took another hour to stamp our vehicle and allow for us to find and obtain insurance at the Border. Visa fee to enter Lao is 1,530 Baht each. The road from the Bridge to Vientiane has been vastly improved since our last trip and we rolled into town Mahouf in about 30 minutes, arriving about 4PM. Getting out to stretch I looked over at Kelly and said, “Hey, its hot.” Temperature and humidity are about tied and opening the door of our cool truck is like entering a pizza oven. We chose to stay again at the Tai Pan Hotel near the River (2-12 Francois Nginn St.) but there are many and probably better choices in this dusty and busy Lao capital city. Tai Pan is expensive at $79 US for a room with full breakfast but the hotel is clean and sharp with free wireless, fitness, a pool and a gracious and helpful staff. A better choice might be the “VongKhamSene Hotel” a block away with rooms at $30 including breakfast but with no other amenities. We walked around Vientiane and discovered several new venues.

There is a great sounding French Restaurant just up the block, several new small cafes, and the restaurant that we chose for dinner, “La Proviance”, in the town square by the fountain. We sat under the eaves outside and enjoyed too much food but each item was delicious. Afterward we stopped at the “New Lao Paris Hotel” to meet a friend for coffee and this little place also offers future possibilities. A late night massage at “Syri”, again in the Square is cheap and great.

There’s a bakery in Vientiane that would make any pie lover proud. On Sella Thirath Street one block up from the Beach Road (Fa Ngum) under a brown sign reading “Bakery”, a small hangout for locals features the best pastries ever. Free wireless accompanies a slug of pies and cakes but I found the thick juicy homemade Mulberry Pie totally “out of sight”.

Nightlife is minimal but in my solo wanderings I discovered a tiny Karaoke Club with a dozen beautiful girls all eager to meet and entertain a Farang.

“We should get you in and out of the Thai Consulate

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The Rice Paddies of Chiang Mai

quickly tomorrow”, I said to my daughter. Fat chance!

On our arrival at 9:30 we were shocked to find we were number #439 in a mass of Farangs all crowded around one small window waiting to be called to submit the application. The Window closes promptly at noon and the visas are issued between 1 & 3 in the afternoon of the next day. So we sat, then left to make copies and returned to sit some more. We became a bit nervous when 11AM came and they were only on number #226. We became REAL nervous when we had ten minutes to go and still fifty or so applicants ahead. At five minutes to noon, everyone waiting jumped the line, jammed the window and began shoving applications at the harried girl who quickly reached out, grabbed a dozen or so apps and slammed down her metal enclosure. “Come back tomorrow” was the call but thankfully she had our app. We left with relief on a TukTuk for the hotel, expensive for Lao at about 120 Baht each way.

I lolled around the pool the following morning while Kelly left at noon to bring back her passport hopefully stamped with a double entry. Again she encountered

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a massive crowd and at closing time of 3PM, they laid out all the passports on a table, ducked out of sight and everyone crowded in and grabbed. Kelly said many passports hit the floor in the confusion and people were shuffling through the mess to find their own passport. The good news was no fees whatsoever were charged for a limited and unknown period.

At four, we were on our way back to the Border and took a little time at Duty Free to pick out some good values on wine that does not bear the tax of Thailand.

There were lines waiting for processing and it was after 5 when we finally cleared the Bridge on the Thai side. “Dad, let’s get going and we can drive at night saving some time”, Kelly said. My daughter does not have a Thai drivers license and I only let her drive on long stretches of clear road. Driving at night, over the mountains, is not my idea of fun so I vetoed the night driving and we checked into the “Ban Chang Hotel” in Udon Thani (5 Mookmontin Rd.) for the night. This high-rise hotel is old but comfortable with a lobby pianist and pool for 1,000 Baht. And we did find a

great Thai restaurant close to the hotel for dinner. ““Luk Nam”, 37-37/1 Pan Praew St. is a busy, open roofed venue, locally owned and without a Farang in sight. I ate here over ten years ago and it is still serving the best local food ever. Our entire meal, with five dishes, came to under 300 Baht.

Another early start and on to Chiang Mai. My Garmin GPS quoted ten hours till arrival and offered two choices of route. One, over the mountains from Udon toward Loei on #210 showing thirty minutes faster and the second requiring a drive back to Khon Kaen and driving west from there on Hwy #12. I chose the later to avoid the high terrain but still don’t know if I made the right choice. The highway out of Khon Kaen headed to Pittsanolok is four lane starting out but after an hour changes to two lane; the pavement is smooth and fast. About two hours later we start to climb and suffer through about two hours of high terrain, winding around, up and down, before the half hour stretch to reach Hwy #11 near Pittsanolok and the turnoff to Uttaradit. A snack along the way at

a fuel stop held us till dinner at a Riverside seafood restaurant in Lamphun. By 9PM we were turning into Chiang Mai dead tired and ready for bed. I recalled a modern inexpensive Chinese run hotel near the Suan Dok Gate in Old Town (Warorot Grand Palace) and sure enough I was able to bargain two rooms down to 500 Baht each.

Kelly made her appointment at 9AM at the University the next morning and was accepted for her three months of medical studies. We set out to find a place for her to stay in Chiang Mai. When Kelly spent a year at CM University ten years ago, she stayed in a College Dorm close to the campus. The rooms are modern and well kept and the rent is 9,000 Baht by the month including all utilities. This modern efficient hotel/dorm is now open for tourists as well and makes a great layover for a few inexpensive nights in Chiang Mai (IC Center, CM Univ. 239 Huay Kaew Rd.). A room was available after four days so we searched out a fabulous little hotel south of the Tapae Gate. This area has narrow streets that twist and turn

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From Vientiane to Chiang Mai

Continued.... with single lanes and dense housing. I stayed here once in a comfortable guest house but alas, it has been overrun with new buildings. We parked, walked and asked prices while comparing features. Around one corner Kelly needs to use the bathroom so we walk into what looks like an exclusive and expensive little resort (“BanThai Village”, 19 Tapae Soi 3). The place simply oozes charm with Bali styling and oodles of plants and trees. We ask to see a room and are blown away with the low beds and exotic interior. The indoor/outdoor bath is glassed in, breathtaking and the room itself is so inviting that we stand in awe just looking around. It has to be ridiculously expensive but definitely worth asking. The friendly girls at the desk quote a discount price down from 3,800 Baht to 3,000 and it is as I feared, just too dear for our budget. I look out at the small center courtyard, the lovely tiled and slate pool, the gorgeous lounges and the quaint wood bar and think what fun it would be to stay here. I offer 10,000 Baht for four nights and the manager appears, humbly accepts my offer and welcomes us to this tucked away little oasis. The resort is only one year old and the price includes what turns out to be an outstanding American poolside breakfast.

We unpack and settle in. The well designed room has a raised platform for the two comfortable mattresses that are covered in fine linen. The high ceilings and dark wood trim on white walls have many Bali touches. Every possible amenity has been thought out and included. Thick plush towels, the finest fixtures and carefully designed teak cabinets house all new electronics. Window coverings and low seating are perfect. There is wireless although the Resort. The pool and adjoining furniture look designed for the movie crowd. Everything is done in elaborate fashion and the breakfast includes every desire with each item

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perfectly prepared.

We have made a real find and will return on future trips to this City.

We discover two great places to chow down in Chiang Mai. One is a short walk from the hotel and called “Chez Marco”, a small nitch in a street busy with beer bars and plenty of bar girls (15/7 Loi Kroh Rd.). A bit further away along the River is “Le Crystal”. This fancy and moderately expensive place has floor to ceiling windows looking out and a three piece combo band that features a great sax, piano and base guitar. The musicians have terrific voices and together with the food and wine, is a place to spend several joyful hours.

Its time to leave Chiang Mai and start driving home.

The drive seems shorter going south and by mid afternoon I make it to Nakhan Sawan. I enjoy the River Food Stands in this small town and it makes for a good overnight. The town is limited on luxury and the best deal is the “Beverly Hill Park Hotel” on Amarinvithi Road on the back side of town. Rate is 500 Baht and you can park adjacent to your room and unload through the outside door.

An early start back to Pattaya allows an arrival by mid afternoon.

Its been a long trip but with many memorable adventures and laughs. I feel so lucky to have discovered Thailand many years back and to find so many activities that have brought enjoyment and fun.

In three months, maybe I’ll drive back to retrieve my daughter and drive even further up north to the border towns around Mai Sai. Possibly head home through Loei and continue along the Meykong River along the border of Lao and Cambodia down to Ubon.

Who knows what wild adventures I may stumble into?

For more particulars and suggestions email me at sanmyn@aol.com

When BUYING or SELLING a Business in Pattaya contact

TBAC

our AIM is clear TBAC Tel: 038 489 074 5 or 087 283 534 9 Email: info @ t-b-a-c.com Web: www.t-b-a-c.com

The Company You Can Trust

On the

Lighter Side

What NOT To Name Your Dog

I Can’t Sleep There

“Rover” or “Boy.” I Everybody who has a dog calls him A Rabbi, a Hindu and a call mine Sex. lawyer were driving late g to me. When I at night in the country when Now Sex has been very embarrassin the ir car expired. They set k cler the told I nse, lice ou dog t his to find help, and came to went to City Hall to renew a farmhouse. When they . He said, “I’d like knocked at the door, the I would like to have a license for Sex far me r explained that he had this is a dog!” He only two beds, and one of to have one, too.” Then I said, ”But the thr ee had to sleep in the t like. Then I said, “Bu barn with the animals. Th said he didn’t care what she looked e thr ee qu ickly agreed. s e I was nine year The Rabbi said he would you don’t understand. I’ve had Sex sinc sleep in the barn and let the a kid. other two have the beds. old.” He said I must have been quite Ten minutes after the Ra I , oon eym bb hon i my on t lef t, wen there was a knock on the When I got married and bedroom door. The Rabb el clerk that I wanted i entered exclaiming “I can took the dog with me. I told the mot ’t sle ep in the barn; there is a .

Sex for room ial spec a pig and in there. It’s against my a room for my wife and me religion to sleep in the sam for sex. I said, “You e room with a pig!”

He said every room in the place was The t!” nigh at ke awa me Th s e Hindu said HE would don’t understand. Sex keep sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem wi clerk said, “Me too.” th pig s. However, about five before the minutes later, the Hindu One day I entered Sex in a contest, but bu rst through the bedroom do nt Another contesta or saying “There’s a COW competition began, the dog ran away. in the barn! I can’t sleep in the I nd. arou ing look e ther sam ding e room as a cow! It’s agains asked me why I was just stan t my religion!” the contest. He told The lawyer, anxious to get told him I had planned to have Sex in to sleep, said he’d go to the “But you don’t barn, as he had no proble me I should have sold my own tickets. m sle epi ng with animals. have Sex on TV.” He In two minutes, the bedroo understand,” I said, “I had hoped to m door burst open and the pig and the cow entered.. called me a show-off. . to rt cou to t wen we d, rate When my wife and I sepa honour, I had Sex fight custody of the dog. I said, “Your “Me too.” Then , said e judg before I was married.” The left me. He said, Sex , ried mar A baby boy was born, while screaming he asks I told him that after I was the doctor “Are you my father?”

“Me too.” hours looking No I’m the doctor.

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent me and asked, to r ove e cam Looks around the room he sees another person around town for him. A cop 4:00 in the morning?” in a gown “Are you my father?”

“What are you doing in this alley at comes up Friday.

“Yes son I’m your dad”.

I said, “I’m looking for Sex.” My case Well, lean down here for a minute.

The Father leans over, “Yes what is it?”

Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson Tapping dad on forehead rather hard, “Hurts and a carrier bag? doesn’t it!”

A: One is made of plastic and you have to keep it away from small children, and the other you carry Q. What do the letters D.N.A. stand for? your shopping home in.

Are you my Father?

54

A. National Dyslexics Association.

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Nong Nooch

Southeast Asia’s Most Stunningly Beautiful Botanical Gardens Nong Nooch Tropical Botanical Garden is not only Southeast Asia’s largest, most impressive and stunningly beautiful botanical gardens, but also a fascinating cultural venue, featuring exotic and traditional Thai dance, musical and cultural displays, as well as its famous elephant troupe and mini-zoo.

Originally intended to be a fruit orchard with mangoes, pineapples, oranges, coconuts and other regional fruit when the owners, Pisit and Nongnooch Tansacha, bought the 1500 rai land-plot in 1954, the theme was swiftly changed to one of botanical conservation of ornamental tropical flowers and plants, following

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Days Out

Mahouf

Mrs. Nongnooch’s fascination with various botanical gardens she encountered during her foreign travels. This botanical fascination blossomed into Mrs. Nongnooch’s life’s work.

A further evolution occurred in 1980, when the gardens were opened to the public, becoming a popular tourist attraction.

Further amenities and features were added to this end, including traditional Thai houses and villas, conference and banqueting halls, restaurants, a lake and a swimming pool. There is also an educational programme dedicated to botanical research, experimentation and conservation. The botanical collection is constantly being added to, many examples being hybrids developed in the botanical garden’s research own facilities.

The botanical gardens themselves offer a literal cornucopia of flora: plants, fruit and flowers from the tropics and around the world.

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These include the Orchid Garden with its 670 species of native orchids, the Fountain Garden, the Wrightia Religiosa Garden, Bromeliad House, the Clay Pot Garden, the Thai Topiary Garden, the Bougainvillea Garden, Flower Hill, the European Garden, the Bon-Sai Collection, the Rock Garden, the Cactus and Succulent Garden, the Canna Garden and Butterfly Hill, the latter creatively designed from fifty thousand flowers and ornamental plants. Nestled among this horticultural plethora are also man-made waterfalls, a lake, statues and a Stonehenge replica.

In addition to the flora, fauna can also be observed in the exotic Butterfly House, and the Mini-Zoo, featuring gib bons, monkeys, birds, tigers, and other exotic animals. For those who appreciate objets d’art, the Antique Hall houses the Tansacha family’s private collection of these, including antique jewellery, Buddha images and statues.

All the restaurants are set amidst the lavish flora.

The Plubpleung Restaurant serves Thai, Chinese and European cuisine; Vivat Kitchen serves Northeastern and traditional Thai cuisine; the Coffee Corner favours intimacy, whilst the Cattaleya Restaurant caters to large groups, being able to seat 800 guests and serves set menus or buffets. Finally, Nantha Hall is a fully-equipped conference centre, featuring accommodation, banqueting and recreational facilities.

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‘Nong Nooch Gardens also delights in hosting regular cultural events, which are extremely popular among tourists and locals alike’.

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Once such was held recently to celebrate Songkran. There were 60-minute performances of traditional Dances of the Four Regions, Tep-narue-mit Dance, an Esarn Dance Medley, and traditional musical performances, including the Drum Festivities.

In addition, there was a wedding ceremony and procession, and finally a Thai boxing (Muay Thai) contest.

Immensely popular, especially for children, are the educated elephant troupe. For Songkran, the special pachyderm events were displays of elephants in battle and the Amazing Elephant Show. The latter was a twelve-fold event featuring elephants marching, throwing darts, riding tricycles, carrying people, painting, playing football and basketball, gymnastics bowing, walking over people, giving massage and last, but not least, disco dancing.

The fascination invoked by Nong Nooch Gardens will captivate and enthrall visitors of all ages. Indeed, there is so much to see and experience that it is impossible to view everything in one day, necessitating numerous repeat visits to fully appreciate its many attractions.

For more information please contact: Nong Nooch Tropical Botanical Gardens, Sukhumvit Road, Km 163, Bang Saray, Chonburi.

Head Office Tel. 038-709 358-61, 038-238 158 Fax. 038-238 160 Bangkok Office Tel. 02-252-1786, 02-251-2161 Fax. 02-252-9975 Pattaya Office Tel. 038-429 321, 038-425 748 Fax. 038-422 958

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Art

THIS IS A CEILING MURAL IN A SMOKER’S LOUNGE

Crazy

The above is a picture of a public toilet in Basel, Switzerland Now take a look at the inside view...

It’s made entirely of one-way glass!

No one can see you IMAGINE YOU ARE AT A PARTY ..... from the outside, Tenth floor of a hi-rise building.....

AND THEN YOU HAVE TO VISIT THE BATHROOM... but when you are inside it’s like sitting You open the door... in a clear glass box!

NOW, REMEMBER THE FLOOR IS JUST A PAINTED FLOOR!

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Now would you ...

COULD YOU..???

Open from 2pm

SUKHUMVIT ROAD

TOT

2nd ROAD

PATTAYA KLANG

3rd ROAD

BEACH ROAD

On 3rd Road Central Pattaya

Thai : 083 254 7036 English : 087 617 4053 www.venusloungepattaya.com info@venusloungepattaya.com