Pattaya Grapevine Volume 1 Issue 1

Pattaya

FR

EE

Grapevine Issue 01 - january 2009

On the Lighter Side

How

Green

is my

Valley

Quiz

where East meets West

Night MARCH

Thai

Lite

Insight into

Sir Tom

Jones

WIN 2 Tickets to see SIMPLY RED

Pages

Competition

LIVE in Concert

contents Pattaya

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How Green is my Valley

06. Sir Tom Jones - The Sex Bomb 08. Puzzle Mania 10. How Green is my Valley 14. On the Lighter Side 16. India - brings you the worlds cheapest car 18. Places to go - Things to do - People to see 20. Ripley’s - Believe it or not 22. Pattaya Air Park 26. Thai Lite 28. Laughter is the best medicine 32. Not the Real Headlines 34. Top Ten - Gadgets 38. Nightmarch 40. Outdoor Laser Tag 42. A Fool in Paradise 44. Clever Photography 46. Simply Red Competition 48. The Magical Mystery Tour of Dr Penguin where East meets West

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From the Editors’

W

Desk

elcome to this, the first of a new magazine for the Pattaya area aimed at both resident farangs and their spouses and the many tourists who visit our beautiful city each year. Our aim is to provide you with a magazine each month packed with news and articles you really want to read, so please feel free to contact us through telephone or eMail with your comments on our first issue, and any suggestions on topics you feel we should cover on a regular monthly basis or one off items you believe would be of interest to our readers.

Great you may think, “another glossy magazine in Pattaya, just what we need!” And I know exactly what you mean, but hopefully, after reading this - our first issue - you will feel it is a breath of fresh air, something different, a magazine really worth reading from cover to cover.

As you read and we hope enjoy the articles, please also take time to read the adverts, after all without their support we would not be able to publish, and when taking advantage of the services offered, please remember to let them know you saw it in the Grapevine, so they know what a fantastic vehicle it is to get their message across to you - our readers.

In this first issue I would like to tell you a little about myself as your editor. I came to Pattaya in April 2006 with my wife Dee Dee from our home in Jávea, Spain, a small town about twenty five miles north of Benidorm on the Costa Blanca, where we had lived for the past twenty-two years after moving from the UK. For the past 10 years I have published a magazine for the ex-pat community within Jávea, called - you maybe surprised to learn ‘The Javea Grapevine’, and for the last six years we also had an instant print and photocopying business situated in the busy Port area.

We sold the business in Spain and moved to Pattaya permanently in December 2007, spent a quit

Christmas and New Year in holiday mode and started to look for ways to publish the Pattaya Grapevine in the early part of the year. A few months later, and certainly no closer to getting the required publishing license we looked for another road forward.

In June 2008 we met Visa from Pattaya Today, a newspaper we had always believed to be the best in the town, and managed to put together a deal that suited both parties, so of course, we are just at the beginning of a whole new stage of our lives that we are really excited about.

That very quickly brings us to almost present time, but I will tell you more about our years in Spain and why Pattaya for our new venture, but that will all have to wait for a future edition of Pattaya Grapevine.

Of course, to prevent me from going on about myself, the readers of Pattaya Grapevine are welcome to write about their reasons for coming to Pattaya, and the lives they lived in the years BP - Before Pattaya.

Well that’s it for my first Editor’s page, I hope you enjoy the rest of the magazine.

Please remember to let us know your comments and suggestions and I look forward to meeting you again in the months to come, not only in these columns, but in the streets as well

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Sir Tom Jones

the Sex

Bomb Tom Jones is a legend, he is one of the world’s most charismatic live performers and with a career spanning five decades, he has done quite well for a poor boy born into a coal mining family in the village of Pontypridd, in the Rhonda Valley in South Wales.

Born on the 7th June 1940 to Freda and Thomas Woodward, Tom started to sing from an early age at family gatherings and in the school choir. Being a bit of a rebel in his teens, he left school early with no qualifications, married his school sweetheart, Melinda Trenchard, at only 16 years of age in 1957 and his son Mark was born just one month later.

In 1963 Tom formed his own group called ‘Tommy Scott and the Senators’, even at this early age Tom already had a flare for the outrageous and the group sported a raunchy image all clad in black leather and were especially well known by many of the young ladies of the area.

On what started out as a normal night whilst playing at the Top Hat in Gwmtillery, Tom was spotted by Gordon Mills who became Tom’s Manager and life long friend, Gordon loved the fact that he had discovered this white boy with a rich sexy black voice who could move like you wouldn’t believe.

In 1964 Gordan managed to land Tom with a recording contract with Decca Records and his first release ‘Chills and Fever’ failed to make an impression on the UK charts. But his second single, written by manager Gordon, ‘It’s not unusual’ was a huge international hit with many people believing that the BBC’s decision to ban the single, plus pirate radio station ‘Carolina’ playing it day and night, ensured that when opening the music press on 1st March 1964, Tom had secured the number one spot and the single went on to reach number 10 in the much larger, and very difficult

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American Singles Chart. And the rest as they say is history, or is it?

With an international career Tom was up there with the big boys throughout the 60’s and 70’s and decided to move his family to Bel Air in America where he purchased a Tudor style mansion, once owned by Dean Martin as well as keeping his house in Wales.

Following many years on the road where he was eventually joined by his son Mark as Lighting Director and Personal Assistant, Tom had food for thought in the early 80’s, slated by the critics, deserted by his fans he believes his career is over.

Then as Tom believes things cannot get any worse his, manager, closest friend and huge part of his life dies in 1986. When giving the eulogy Tom told a stunned congregation “I owe him everything.”

Mark eventually took over the management of his dad and things turn a corner when his comeback single ‘A Boy from Nowhere’ from the musical ‘Matador’, reaches number two in the charts, a quick re-release of ‘It’s Not Unusual’ and Tom is back. Surprisingly in 1988 when he did a cover version of the Prince single ‘Kiss’ with the ‘Art of Noise’ he received the breakthrough award at the MTV awards.

Tom Jones is a sex symbol, adored by men and women all over the world and will always be remembered for his trademark of frenzied women ripping of their knickers to throw to him on stage.

By his own admission he had countless affairs and slept with hundreds of women, but in 1989 one fateful fling just wouldn’t lower it’s ugly head.

Katherine Berkley a 24 year old model claimed to have given birth to Tom’s child, a claim Tom strenuously denied, much later DNA testing proved that indeed the young boy in question, Johnathan, was the son of the World’s Sex Bomb.

Tom had had a colourful life with a huge amount of success but a clever marketing move in 1996 saw the doors fly open to a larger and much younger generation. Tom changed direction with his music and recorded an album with young musicians, ‘Reload’, which became by far his biggest selling album going platinum 6 times over and selling over 4 million copies in the UK alone.

Royal recognition was awarded to Tom in 1999 when he was awarded the OBE by the Queen and it seemed wherever Tom went, acclaims followed, including, best male at Britt Awards, Amigo Award for best international male in Spain, he was

nominated for the prestigious NJR Award(France) for best international act and was presented with the ECHO Award for best international male in Germany. Tom went on to perform for the President and Mrs. Clinton at the Whitehouse to mak the new millennium celebrations and he had the great pleasure of performing at Buckingham Palace for the Queen’s Golden Jubilee in 2001.

To celebrate his 65th birthday and his career spanning five decades he gave a special concert in his home town of Pontypridd for 25,000 adoring friends and fans, this was the first time he had performed in his home town since 1964.

With the dawning of 2006 Tom was to receive two of his most treasured memories. Firstly he was knighted by Her Majesty the Queen and later in the year he had the great privilege of watching his Grandson Alexander, brother to Emma, compete in the 2006 Commonwealth Games representing Wales as a ‘full bore marksman’.

Tom last year performed at the New Wembley Stadium to celebrate the life of his friend Dianah Princess of Wales.

Tom Jones the sex bomb, has had a glorious and colourful career, so obviously has many fond memories to look back on in his twilight years, but I’m not so sure, having seen him in concert in 2005, in Benidorm, Spain of all places, I don’t believe we have heard the last of this living legend.

Sir Tom Jones I salute you. where East meets West

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Silly Quiz!

e l z z u P a i n a M

1 The maker doesn't want it; the buyer doesn't use it; and the user doesn't even see it. What is it?

2 There is one word in the English language that is always pronounced incorrectly. What is it?

3 What is it that goes up and goes down but does not move?

Sudoku

4 Before Mount Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain on Earth?

5 What is one thing that all wise men, regardless of their religion or politics, agree is between heaven and earth?

6 If an electric train is going westbound and the wind blowing northbound, in what direction will the smoke from the train travel?

7 How could you rearrange the letters in the words "new door" to make one word? Note: There is only one correct answer.

8 Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg ‘are’ white" or "The yolk of the egg ‘is’ white"?

Answers later in the magazine, good luck

Quick Crossword 2

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5 6

7 8 9

11

10

12

13

15 17

18

16 19

23

14

24

20

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26 28

Hope you enjoy the Crossword, answers later in the magazine

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Across 5. Al fresco party (5) 6. Cricketer is a Hero (6) 7. not mine anymore (6) 9. Angry fringe (9) 11. Knocked a little bit of food off (4) 12. Liams desert salvation (5) 14. Catholic head is a writer (4) 15. Twice a godess (3) 16. Not to good in pillaging. (3) 17. Not here (4) 19. Or almost betrays his manner (5) 21. A dot thanks Jupiters moon (4) 23. Great famous person (9) 26. All parties accept he's a pig (6) 27. Miners take weapons (6) 28. Pushes up a Flower (5) Down 1. Almost gone (7) 2. Dance in the jungle (5) 3. Polish (5) 4. Animal falls for flower (7) 8. Twice a godess (4) 9. Metal police (7) 10. Catholic head is a writer (7) 12. pick (3) 13. Tis back (3) 18. Eight sides disappear (7) 20. chocolate bubbles (4) 22. Informing bell (7) 24. Throws a tantrum in Chinese field (5) 25. T carries sunbeams (5)

How

Green Valley is my

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First, a bit of surprising golf history: 1. Who was the first golf professional nicknamed " Tiger " ?

2. Who was the first pro to eschew the driver in an Open Championship and win?

NO !! it is not Tiger Woods. It is Peter Thomson: ‘The Melbourne Tiger’.

Green Valley was designed by Thomson & Wolveridge.

Of Thomson much can be written and by way of Thomson an appreciation of green Valley can be gained. Thomson was a five time Open Champion with a hat trick in '54,; '55;, & '56.

Who was in the field way back then one might ask ?...Player, DiVincenzo, Cotton, Locke, Von Nida, O'Connor Sr. and Charles.

Perhaps Thomson saved his best for last when he won the Open for the final time in 1965 when Palmer, Player, Nicklaus and Lema were contending.

It is fair to say the Thomson felt much at home on links courses and feared no one. He was not a long hitter but a thinker who managed his way around a course.

Thomson's view on course design was that, "A course should be a bit wild, at least in some corners. A weed now and then would be a great

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relief. The most important facets of golf are careful planning, calm and clear thinking and the ordinary logic of common sense. " Sounds easy !

Thomson brought his experience to Green Valley.

The course is a cross between the American style with many links influences. There are 69 bunkers and many are deep faced. A stray shot into one of these will force the player to lay up well short of the green.

Thomson stated that, "bunkers should be treated with respect and common sense. It is not always possible to play out forward, and the notion of getting away without a penalty of distance lost is usually a fantasy. " It is no secret that to score well at Green Valley S T A Y out of the bunkers.

The course opens with a welcoming par 5. A strategic drive will leave you short of the central bunkers and a bunker on the right. If you are feeling spry those central bunkers can be flown giving the golfer the chance to get home in two. The first green runs away from the golfer. Any iron hit to the green must be struck precisely and with enough spin to hold.

The second hole is a shortish par 3 over water.

There is room to bail out right if your Bloody Mary has yet to kick in.

The third hole, when the pin sits atop a smallish top level on the right of the green is all a short hole could call for. Play safe off the tee either short of the central bunkers or to the left and you will have a longer shot to the green. Take the bunkers on and a short iron remains. The second shot, uphill to the top tier will have your palms sweating and questioning your skills.

How far uphill ...how far over the guarding bunker... how far right is far enough ??? Analysis of the wind, lie and the Pythagoream Theroem may not be enough to figure out this shot. Perhaps a shot of another sort will help steel ones nerves. Anything but a very precise shot to the seemingly credit card size shelf will be rejected...the ball rolling down a steep incline all but assuring a three putt. An approach to the right of the green demands an extremely fine and soft touch lest the ball rolls down the incline. Many times I have seen golfers try two, three and four times unsuccessfully to get the ball to the top shelf before just bashing it up the hill, over the green, out of play from sere frustration. I LOVE THIS GAME !

The next 3 holes are a bit controversial as they have either new greens or tees. Some will argue that they have made the course better. Traditionalists yearn for the original layout. Regardless they have the # 3 & 1

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HDCP holes in succession. Many a fine golfer would settle for two bogeys and a par.

The fourth hole is 390 yards with bunkers left and right in the driving area. The approach is to a 3 tiered green with water guarding the right side of the green.

A very large bunker " the Hitler " ( once you go down into that bunker you may never come out ) guards the back left part of the green.

The uphill par 4, fifth hole is unreachable in 2 shots for most golfers as it usually plays into the prevailing wind. Trees right and left and a gaping bunker to the right of a smallish green all adds up to a very tall order. Get your 5 and go gladly.

A short walk follows to the next tee...a great time to lick your wounds and look about and see how beautifully this course is landscaped. Large boulders, diverse cacti and local flora with white stone ground cover.....look up and smell the roses.

The 7th, a short , sharp dogleg left to a two tiered green balance out the side. Do not let your guard down. Birdies can be made here but I have seen far more double bogies.

If your game has been on then nine hole remain to humble you. If you have been off your game then nine remain to right the ship. After nine holes it should dawn on the golfer that a driver is not needed or required. Get the ball in play at a fair distance and the

course opens up.

The 10th is a short par 4 to an elevated, crowned green A crowned green is one that resembles an upturned bowl, thus reducing the playable size of a seemingly enticing green. Trouble begins if you miss this narrow target. A deft touch is demanded to pitch on or else you may find yourself visiting both sides of the green. How can such a simple looking hole be so dangerous to your score and mental health ?

The12th is the signature hole. A beautiful, short par 3, 110 yards. Water right...bunkers right and left and a sloping , narrow green. Miss this green left and you will be lucky to avoid the waiting right bunker.

Remarkably 3 out of 4 golfers miss this green...time to review "careful planning and calm clear thinking."

The 13th hole is the most difficult of the inward half. A par 4, 400 yards and trouble everywhere. Trees right and left, a narrow fairway with a deep bunker right and a tree blocking the approach to the short right side of the green. This green is sloped sharply left to right and back to front and plays the fastest of the course. This hole can make or break your round.

A bogey 5 feels like a well earned par.

A downhill , difficult par 4, 15th to the most subtle green before the uphill stretch to the clubhouse. A good drive leaves a mid-iron to a green that is beguilingly hidden by bumps and hillocks that give the illusion of a green closer to you than its actual yardage. Take enough club as it is better to err long rather than short.

The par 3 16th play just the opposite. It has a very steep green slanted back to front and it is better to be a bit short as a putt from above the hole can run off the green.

The 17th is a seemingly simple uphill par 4.Yet scores of 6,7 and 8 have oft been recorded. It is a subtle and deceptive hole that can leave you wondering what just happened to your round.

The round closes with a typical Thomson par 4.

A large central bunker cannot be ignored. Either play short of it or to the left or go for broke and attempt to fly it. Palm trees right and a bunker left further define the landing areas. Successfully negotiate this and a short to mid-iron will get you home, looking at a birdie and leaving a good taste in your mouth.

If you are looking for a great day out, a complete and interesting challenge, testing all aspects of your game in beautiful surroundings then Green Valley is the ticket.

Written by Steve Mascari

On the

Lighter Side The Talking of Animals

While out walking one day, a young boy met a redneck riding along with a dog and sheep and began a conversation.

“Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?” asked the boy.

“Stupid kid,” said the redneck. “Dogs don’t talk.”

The little boy ignored the redneck and talked to the dog anyway. “Hey dog, how’s it going?”

“Doin’ all right,” replied the dog to the redneck’s amazement.

“Is this guy your owner?” asked the boy.

“Yep,” replied the dog.

“How does he treat you?” asked the boy.

“Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”

With that, the boy asked if he could talk to the redneck’s horse.

“Stupid kid, horses don’t talk,” replied the redneck.

The little boy ignored the redneck and talked to the horse, anyway. “Hey horse, how’s it going?”

“Cool,” replied the horse.

“Is this your owner?” asked the boy pointing to the redneck.

“Yep.” “How’s he treat you?” asked the boy.

“Pretty good, thanks for asking,” replied the horse.

“He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me.”

The redneck was totally amazed at his talking horse.

“Mind if I talk to your sheep?” asked the boy.

“The sheep’s a liar,” answered the redneck.

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Following a nasty car accident...

Following a nasty car accident, a man’s wife slips into a coma. After spending weeks at her bedside, the husband is summoned to the hospital. “It’s amazing” says the Doctor, breathlessly. “While bathing your wife, one of the nurses noticed she responded to her breasts being touched.”

The husband is very excited, and asks what he can do.

“Well,” says the doc, “if one erogenous zone provokes a response, perhaps the others will too.” So the husband goes alone into the room, where he slips his hand under the covers and begins to massage her bits. Amazingly, the woman begins to move and even moan a little. The man tells the doctor, waiting outside. “Excellent!” he says. “If she responds like that to your finger, I think you should try oral sex.”

Nodding, the husband returns to the room - but within minutes the heart monitor alarms go off, and the medics pile into the room.

“What happened?” shouts the doctor, as he checks the prone woman’s pulse.

“I’m not sure,” replies the man, looking sheepish.

“I think she choked.”

What is Politics A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?”

Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism.Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people. The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,” So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now.”

The father says, “Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”

The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.”

The Blonde & Ventriloquist A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "I've heard just about enough of your degrading blonde jokes, asshole. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large ... all in the name of humor."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde says, "You stay out of this, Mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"

India

Brings you the worlds cheapest car What can you buy for £1,300, $2,500 or approximately 75,000 baht these days?

A couple of return tickets home?

A 15 year old run around? A take-off of a Harley Davidson?

Or you maybe surprised to know, a brand new car!

Not as luxurious as a Rolls, nor as fast as a Porsche and definitely not as stunningly beautiful as an Aston Martin, but then again we are only talking about the price of a DVD player in a Lexus.

Let me introduce you to the Nano, built by Tata, an Indian conglomerate who at the moment are bidding for Jaguar and Land Rover, who are better known for their elephantine lorries, have defied all the experts by producing a cutting-edge passenger car which is spacious and promises to be fuel efficient.

The car is a culmination of 5 years research, involving a team of over 500 engineers which was revealed at this years Delhi Auto Expo to the sounds of 2001: A space odyssey. Where company chairman Mr. Tata, heralded it’s arrival with the likes of the Wright Bothers and the Moon Landing.

The Nano is 3 metre’s long, can seat four comfortably, five at a squeeze, is four door, can do 65mph and has already been dubbed ‘The People’s Car,’ as it will revolutionise travel for millions of people around the world.

The Nano which will be built at a plant in West Bengal will originally only be sold in India in the second half of 2008, with an estimated initial annual run of 250,000 units. It is expected to be made available in Latin America, South East Asia and Africa over the next few years when the company hopes to be producing in excess of 1,000,000 cars each year.

Mr Tata, Company Chairman, said the Nano had passed a full frontal crash test in India and was

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designed to sustain further impact testing under European standards, but it is believed the Nano will have to go through a few years of safety enhancement before it will meet European Safety Standards and of course this will significantly raise the price.

Constructed from aluminium and containing a rear mounted 33bhp two-cylinder petrol engine the Nano weighs in at about half a ton. No frills here, the basic model comes with brakes, four gear manual gear box, door locks, wind down windows, seatbelts, window wiper and a steering wheel. The deluxe versions will have such luxuries as radio’s, air-bags and even air-conditioning.

Mr Tata went on to say “I hope this changes the way people travel in rural India. We are a country of a billion people and are being denied connectivity.

With a top speed of 65mph, a fuel consumption of 50mpg and a very small price tag, the no-nonsense.

Nano is the no frills car for the 21st Century.

I am sure this car will sell in it’s millions all over the world, but personally, I’m hoping its banned from the streets of Pattaya, can you imagine if all our mopeds were replaced by little, colourful, but much larger then mopeds, Nano’s?

Now, how long will it take you to get to your favourite GoGo Bar? I mean supermarket or round of golf.

Places To Go Things To Do People To See After the January 1st New Year’s Day the rest of the month of January in Thailand is usually void of festivals and is pretty much a time to lie back and enjoy the weather, but not this year. The 2009 lunar calendar causes the Chinese New Year to also fall in January.

Dec 31 – Jan 1: On the 31st of December and 1st of January 2009 join the Thais in making merit at either Lan Pho Na Klua, South Pattaya Beach Road or at Jomtien Beach. For additional information call: 038-253-100 Jan 9 – 11: For you golfers, check out the Third Royal Trophy Europe vs Asia Golf Championship which challenges the masters of team golf – Europe against Asian golf pros in a Ryder Cup format.

Play will take place January 9 thru 11 at the flawless 7,470 yard Amata Spring Country Club located southeast of Bangkok at the Amata Nakorn Industrial Estate. For additional information call TAT: 02-250-5500 or go to www.theroyaltrophy.com

Jan 10: Aka Hill Tribes Mini Light and Sound Presentation. Chiang Rai province hosts its annual light and sound show that presents insights into the culture and daily life of the Aka hill tribes, resident in hilltop villages in Mae Chan District. The show is presented in both Thai and English and runs from 1730 to 1930. Tickets cost Bt150 per person and the show with dinner

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is priced at Bt300 per person.

The location is: Chiang Rai Social Development Centre 12 on the Doi Mae Salong road in Pa Sang Sub-district of Mae Chan, Chiang Rai. For additional information call: TAT Chiang Rai Office 053-744-674-5 or the Chiang Rai Social Development Centre 12 at 053-914-471

Jan 17 – 21: For you Navy vets and military history buffs, from the 17th thru the 21st of January there will be a big parade and festival on the island of Koh Chang in Trat Province honoring Thai navy personnel who lost their lives while giving service to Thailand in 1942.

Jan 23: The first ever Pattaya International Mardi Gras will be held in the evening of January 23 with an Electric Parade starting at City Hall and finishing on Pattaya’s Beach Road close to the Pattaya Klang (Central Pattaya Road) intersection. Pick your spot to watch or if you want to join the fun call the Pattaya City Hall or TAT at: : 02-250-5500

Jan 24 – 25: Reggae Music lovers head for the Pai Maehongson Thailand Reggae Festival located at the Pai Tree House Resort public area, Nong Krating Domain, Vieng Nei , Pai Mae Hong Son. The ticket price of Bt390 includes a premium gift, a free drink and other discounts. For more information go to http://paireggaefest.com or call the Pai Arts Club: 081-493-1246 or the Tourism Pai office at: 053-699-935

Jan 25 – 27: The Chinese New Year is on the first day of the first lunar month, usually in February, but this year it falls in January. The Chinese people celebrate their lunar new year with lion dances, fireworks, paying respect to their ancestors and a week house-cleaning. In Pattaya everyone can enjoy celebrating the Chinese New Year from January 25 to 27 at the Bali Hai Pier at the south end of Walking Street. Come with an appetite because Walking Street will be filled with table after table filled with a variety of exotic delectable international foods. Each evening concerts delight the crowds with music in the Bali Hai area. For additional information call: 038-253-100

Jan ??: Tennis fans and players won’t want to miss the Pattaya Tennis Open 2009 being held at the Royal Cliff Beach Resort and the Fairtex Sport Club & Hotel. At time of publication no dates had been set, but you can call 081-863-0668 for information.

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s ’ y e l p i R

! t o N r o t I e v Belie of Entertainment World

Robert Leroy Ripley, dubbed the ‘Modern Marco Polo’, was an insatiable, intrepid explorer of the bizarre, abnormal and the peculiar. In his forty-year quest, he traversed the globe, visiting 198 countries; a journey equivalent to 18 circumnavigations. Constantly on the lookout for the incredible and weird to bring back to the US; in this respect he was similar to that other remarkable collector of uncanny facts, Charles Forte.

A talented cartoonist, who drew his pictures upside-down, Ripley produced his first collection of strange facts and feats in 1918. Originally entitled “Champs and Chumps’, his editor influenced its change to ‘Believe It or Not!’ Forming the core of an expanded book under the same name, it became a best-seller, selling over half-a-million copies. Republished in many editions, if all those ‘Believe It or Not!’ books were stacked together, they would be 100 times the size of the Empire State Building! Becoming a household name in the US, Ripley gradually became immensely popular worldwide, with his ‘Believe It or Not!’ feature syndicated in 300 newspapers, read by 80 million, in 17 languages, with a researcher labouring over 52 years, 10 hours daily in the New York Public Library to help source strange facts. Ripley received literally millions of mail items over the years, from both fans and incredulous critics, including one Wayne Harbour of Bedford, Iowa who, over 26 years, wrote over 22,000 letters trying to disprove Ripley, but never received one back which contradicted Ripley’s claims.

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Next, hosting a popular radio programme, he brought vicarious pleasure to millions by interviewing such oddities as snake handlers and fire walkers and relating his own, often fantastic adventures. He featured on a variety of radio shows from 1930-48, achieving several firsts in this time, like the first mid-ocean broadcast and the first simultaneous broadcast to every nation in the world. He also branched out into films and TV, but most enduring are his museums or Odditoriums, the first staged as an exhibit at the 1933 Chicago World’s Fair, attracting over two million visitors. Several other notable exhibitions followed, but it wasn’t until 1950, a year after Ripley’s death, that the first permanent Odditorium opened in St. Augustine, Florida.

Many of the 29 Ripley’s Odditoriums worldwide appear to have suffered a disaster; apt preparation for what one is about to experience inside! Two appear to have been impaled, Pattaya’s by a crashed plane and another by a shark. There are two earthquake-

fractured museums, another hurricane-struck, with yet another apparently plummeting into a sinkhole and one where the building’s front seems about to fall off. There’s one resembling a broken-topped lighthouse, another a beached luxury cruise liner, whilst in Niagara Falls, King Kong stands astride a toppled Empire State Building. Finally, there are two castles, one Mediaeval and the other in St. Augustine, a Moorish Revival mansion transformed into a castle.

We, in the Pattaya Today Review Team, had the pleasure of being introduced to the Ripley’s ‘Believe It or Not!’ attractions by Ms.Yada Wongthongkum, Ripley’s Marketing Manager. Ripley’s Pattaya, located on 3rd Floor of Royal Garden Plaza, started as an Odditorium in 1995, but like many others soon expanded into a multi-faceted, world of entertainment.

‘Believe It or Not!’ now comprises the Museum, Haunted Adventure, Infinity Maze and 4D Moving Theatre.

The Museum houses 10 themed galleries from primitive to marine, with over 300 intriguing real and replica exhibits, including torture devices, like the rack and the Manda U-kee-pa self-mutilation torture where a Red Indian brave is suspended by two hooks through his chest skin, weighed down by buffalo skulls, as dramatised by Richard Harris in ‘A Man Called Horse’, a mask made from human skin, a shrunken head, African fertility symbols, the wax figure of the four-eyed man, a 3-legged horse, a fake mermaid made from the top part of a monkey and the bottom of a fish, a 9ft-tall man, a man with musical ears, a Titanic model constructed from more than 1,000,000 matchsticks, the amazing disorienting tunnel, a Jaws exhibit, the world’s largest tyre, and a horse-mounted suit of armour by the side of two amazingly lifelike individuals, one a photographer and the other his subject that the Japanese group near us thought were so realistic, they didn’t venture across them for 5 minutes!

The Haunted Adventure would obviously have appealed to Ripley’s ghoulish sense of humour, having once polished gravestones.You are introduced through the door of the dead to a replica of the original, 20th century warehouse of the Grimsby and Streaper Casket Company.Your initial host, in gruesome make up, conducts you inside where you are given a rope which all in your party hang on to, before you’re plunged into the dark to fend for yourself. Then you tentatively wend your way through various mostly dark, eldritch, winding passages while preternatural sounds are heard all around and you’re unexpectedly accosted along the way by stiffs that are suddenly projected from coffins or gibbets, or by live Thai staff, masquerading as the dead, who leap out shrieking from hidden corners and seem to prey on the female members. Chinese women have been known to wet themselves and I heard pretty realistic screams from a Japanese party that were being pursued by a manic chain saw-wilding ghoul.

Next to the Infinity Maze where, issued with white gloves and socks, groups are sent into the maze and have to find their own way out. Each of the dozen rooms is futuristic, semi-dark or with innovative lightning, sound fields and atmospheric special effects.

Walls, ceilings and floors are mirror-covered and you’re immersed in spectacular optical illusions as floors seem to melt away, and with no distinct exit, you have to push each mirror until eventually finding the door, you emerge into yet another confusing scenario. Some people apparently wander round lost for hours!

Finally, the 4D Moving Theatre, featuring 3-D glasses, 70mm. high definition projection, 8-directional, dynamic motion seating, and digital surround sound to immerse you in the action of a high-tech film scenario.

It’s the first one in Thailand. A simulated, visual-reality amusement, in our case partly a roller coaster ride, which my Thai ladyphotographer far preferred to the Haunted house!

Well worth spending a few happy hours; quality entertainment for the whole family.

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Pattaya

Air Park the Resort with a Difference Nestling down the Phoenix Golf Club Road is what is currently a little known Pattaya attraction, though its reputation will soon be widespread. You may well have seen evidence of this attraction in the form of a light aircraft, ultralight, or helicopter ranging across the skies, and apart from gazing in rapt envy, imagining the exhilarating freedom, you might have asked yourself where it had come from.

The answer is Pattaya Air Park in Huay Yai, the site of Fun Flying Thai Air Service Co. Ltd. (FF) and one of the most adventurous projects in Thailand, as well as being the venue for flying shows and other entertainment events.

Pattaya Air Park, incorporating the Pilot Village, is the dream made manifest of two individuals, Nawaporn Sawaetwong aka Neil and Sonny Souvannavong; two men totally passionate about the sheer joys of personal flying. And like enthusiasts of any persuasion, they don’t wish to keep it merely for themselves, but are intent on extending the privilege universally. Sonny equates himself with Henry Ford

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insofar as he wishes everyone to have, not a car, but a plane, or, at the very least, a private pilot’s licence.

He, himself, just so happens to own a Ferrari, but he prefers his plane by far, for the unbridled freedom it affords him.

Neil was the one who actually started the Pattaya Air Park, by first leasing and then buying a 127 rai plot of land, which conveniently had an old airstrip located on it. This airstrip Neil refurbished into an airfield and began in earnest to develop Thailand’s first comprehensive airpark, essentially as a “haven

for those fascinated by aerial sports and recreational flying, “ to quote the man, himself. The aerial services now on offer include air charter, special aerial services - filming, photographing, and video taking, for private individuals, businesses and TV companies, sightseeing from the four-seater Cessna-172 or tandem skydiving, with the ultimate: ultralight and private pilot flying lessons.

A 20-30 minute Sightseeing flight will give you an unprecedented bird’s eye view of Jomtien Beach, Koh Larn and the whole of Pattaya City and its environs for Bt1,400 per person. With Tandem skydiving, accompanied by a certified Tandem master, intrepid souls can experience the adrenalin rush of a mid-air leap, costing from Bt11,000 for a basic jump to Bt16,000, for jump plus a video of your performance that you can show to your sceptical friends, just to prove your courage. Alternatively, for Bt90,000, you can become an ultralight pilot in the space of a month!

Pattaya Airpark’s ultralight flying course includes: • all equipment costs; • 20 hours of ground school lessons; • 20 hours of one-on-one flying lessons with certified flight instructor; • written exam fee for Ultralight Pilot Licence (UPL); • life membership of the Royal Aeronautics Sports Association of Thailand (RASAT); • life membership of the Royal Thai Air Classic Association (RTAC).

For ultralight novices, there’s a special 1-hour introductory flight costing Bt5,000. For those with the cash to spare and the ambition, the cost of a fully fledged Private Pilot Licence (PPL) is Bt300,000, including the aircraft use, flying lessons, manuals, fuel etc. Sonny reckons learning to fly a plane is

actually easier than learning to drive and infinitely more enjoyable.

Should you be in the position to buy, there are 3 types of light aircraft on sale: the FK9 Mk IV (Bt4.2 million), FK12 Comet bi-plane (Bt4.9 million), and FK14 Polaris (Bt5.6 million); all prices include PPL training, leading to a licence. The aircraft are all of contemporary design, with state-of-the-art equipment, including GPS navigation, and are composed of lightweight composite fibre-glass, carbon-fibre, aluminium and/or tubular steel.

Ownership of one of these planes will open up endless opportunities to experience the total exhilaration of congestion-free flying. No more frustrations of traffic grid-locks; instead, you can indulge in fancy-free hedge-hopping across Thailand, via a network of private airports located in Hua Hin, Phuket, Kao Yai, Koh Chang, Chiang Mai, and Chang Rai. Pattaya Airpark also has full aircraft maintenance, repair and assembly facilities, making it effectively a one-stop aviation venue.

But that’s only half of it; theirs is a lifestyle concept extraordinaire. Neil and Sonny would like to offer those similarly enflamed by the contagion of flying and with the necessary resources, the opportunity to share in their ‘Paradise for Aviators’ - the Pilot Village, Pattaya Air Park Resort, whereby you can not only buy a plane, but also a house actually located on the airpark itself, incorporating hanger facilities, giving immediate access to the runway and the skies of Thailand. This is a first in Thailand; a real estate

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concept unique in SE Asia, albeit adapted from similar aviator resorts in the States.

Just imagine the convenience of strolling from your house into your adjoining private hanger in the morning, getting into your own plane, conducting the necessary pre-flight checks, logging your itinerary and requesting flight clearance from the control tower and then just taking to the air, free as a bird, as you wend your merry way to Chiang Mai, perhaps for some exclusive shopping, or a business meeting. To reiterate Sonny’s sentiments, it’s infinitely more pleasurable and stress-free than driving, and, what’s more, it will only take you an estimated 4 hours and cost you about Bt2,800, including fuel and landing fees.

To encourage pilots, who are or will become mutual friends, the Pilot Village, Pattaya Air Park Resort is offering the house-plus-plane package at a starting price of Bt11.5 million. The architect is a pilot and a shareholder of FF, so you can rest assured your house will be well custom-designed.The individual houses currently come in 3 designs, ranging from Bt8-11 million. These are: The Aviator - 3 bedrooms, 3 baths, 1000m2 land with 300m2 living area; The Colony – 4 bedrooms, 4 baths, 1,500m2 land with 400m2 living area and The Retreat – 4 bedrooms, 4 baths, 2,000m2 land with 450m2 living area. Each hanger will be able to accommodate the largest of the three planes on offer. Alternatively, you can buy your own land plot and typically custom-build a 2 storey, 3 bed room, 4-5 bath room residence, with living room, kitchen and a 2-car garage, hangar, terraces,

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swimming pool, jacuzzi, work shop etc; as long as it’s in keeping with the surrounding architecture. Other deals include leasing the land, or even becoming a shareholder of Pattaya Airpark. Pilots and students taking pilot licences, as well as guests in general, can also find convenient accommodation in the Aviator Retreat, located on site.

Pattaya Air Park will also be prominent in staging events, like Sun-&-Fun Air shows, concerts and parties.

There is also the Thai Air Museum, under the patronage of His Majesty the King, In addition, there will soon be full resort-quality recreational facilities, including a restaurant, coffee shop and sports club, with swimming pool, tennis, squash, badminton, snooker, table tennis, spa, sauna, fitness, massage and a golfputting range. For those without transport, cars, motorbikes or bicycles will be on hire, as well as regular shuttle-vans to Pattaya, which, with all its myriad attractions, is very close. Every consideration has been given to providing a totally comprehensive service.Your every requirement will be satisfied, affording a completely wholesome, stress-free, fun-filled lifestyle that, as a consequence, if you’re careful, will actually go a long way to conferring the inestimable bonus of longevity, as well as all the other benefits.

Contact Neil at sportypilot@gmail.com or call 086-374 1718 And see their website at: http://www.funflying.biz/

Noy Takes On

Written By

S. Tsow

U.S. Politics

My friend Fardley Nerdwell is still recovering from the U.S. presidential campaign. It’s not because of the campaign itself, but because of the trouble he had explaining the campaign rhetoric to his girlfriend Noy. Fardley, incidentally, has some wise advice for every expat who may be thinking of sending his Thai girlfriend to school to study English. “I learned the hard way,” he now says ruefully. “I thought it was terrible that Noy and I couldn’t communicate.

She would sit there watching Thai TV in silence, never speaking except in Thai or in terse English monosyllables. If only she could speak English, what scintillating discussions we might have!

“So I sent her to a school called E-Z English 4 U. Even the name wasn’t English. It was some kind of deformed, airhead English that teenyboppers use on the Internet. That alone should have warned me.

“The school did its fiendish work all too well.

Now Noy speaks English, all right, but she never shuts up. It’s yak yak yak, all the time, and she’s always arguing with me. I was better off when we couldn’t communicate at all. The key to a successful intercultural relationship is the complete absence of communication.”

Despite its name, the school was rooted in traditional English grammar. It had three stern slogans, which Noy took to heart: “Speak clearly. Speak grammatically. Be specific.” Noy applied these principles to the U.S. presidential campaign, which she watched on TV. Fardley reported her reactions as follows: Noy (watching the Obama campaign; frowning): Why Obama not have English name? What mean

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“Barack”? Same-same “brack”?

Fardley: No, no! It doesn’t have anything to do with black.

Noy: Same-same “borrock”?

Fardley: Jesus, no! It doesn’t have anything to do with bollocks. It’s an Arabic word, usually spelled “barak.” It means blessed.

Noy: Ah. Nice name. But he have slogan, “Yes, we can.” This is not sentence. Is incomprete.Yes, we can…what?

Fardley: Well, it means we can do anything, Noy. Noy: This not clear. Not grammatic. Not specific.

If mean we can do anything, should say we can do anything. Not just “Yes, we can.” Slogan is…(taking a deep breath, as if reciting from memory)…wague and imprecite.

Fardley: Vague and imprecise? Well, I suppose it is. But “Yes, we can do anything” is too long. A political slogan has to be short and punchy. Do you like Obama, Noy? Noy: No. Too brack.

Fardley (taken aback by such overt racism): Uh. Too black, eh? Well, do you like McCain?

Noy: No. Too owned.

Fardley: Uh. Too old. Well, who DO you like?

Noy (correcting him): WHOM do you rike.

“Whom” is object of werb. Must be grammatic.

I rike Hirrary. Not brack, not owned. Just right.

Phuying duay! Phalang Phuying dee! [She’s a woman, too! Woman Power is good!] But Obama have other slogan: “Change we need.” Why not grammatic? Why put object fir’t? Should be “We need change.”

Fardley: Ah, well, actually, he means “Change THAT we need.” He leaves out the “that.”

Noy (severely): That is not sentence. That is subordinate crause. What ABOUT change that we need? And why he only want change? Why so keeniao [stingy]? Why he not want big money?

Fardley: He’s not talking about money, Noy. He’s talking about change.

Noy: Maichai! Change mean small money. You pay chekbin at restaurant, give waitrett big money, ask for change. Why Obama talk small money? Why he not want big money?

Fardley: He’s talking about a different kind of change, Noy. What’s the Thai word? Bplian-bplaeng.

To change, to make things different. Obama wants to change things, make things better.

Noy: Oho. Different kind of change. Noy khaojai.

But McCain have slogan too. What mean “StraightTalk Ekprett”?

Fardley: Uhhhhh, that’s the name of his bus. It’s an express bus. He calls it “straight talk,” because he says he’s talking straight. That means clear and honest.

No bullshit.

Noy (enlightened): Ahhhh, “straight talk” mean no boorshit. Noy khaojai. But why he call everybody “my fliend”? He no have enemy?

Fardley: He probably has lots of enemies, but he wants everybody to be his friend. That’s why he keeps saying “my friends.” I’ve always thought he should address his audiences as “my friends, my enemies, and all those jerks who haven’t made their minds up yet.”

So Fardley finally straightened out Noy’s ideas about U.S. politics, except for her lamentable tendencies toward racism, ageism, and sexism. Those little prejudices may take some time to iron out. In the meantime, since she’s taken an interest in politics, he’s trying to correct her pronunciation of the name of the current U.S. secretary of state. It’s not pronounced Congo Reza Lite.

S. Tsow can be flamed at s.tsow@ymail.com, except when he’s wondering how Noy would pronounce “Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.”

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Laughter is the Best Medicine Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, “Heaven’s getting pretty close to full today, and I’ve been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what’s your story?”

The first man replies: “Well, for a while I’ve suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed.

As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn’t reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn’t you know it, he wouldn’t fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn’t stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly.

But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony.”

“That sounds like a pretty bad day to me,” said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

“It’s been a very strange day.You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn’t hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating

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on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I’m here.”

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

“Picture this,” says the third man, “I’m hiding naked inside a refrigerator...”

The Birds and the Birds A lady approaches her priest and says, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”

“What do they say?” the priest inquires.

“They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Want to have some fun?’”

“That’s terrible,” the priest exclaims, “but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.”

“Thank you!” the woman responds.

The next day, the woman brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, “Hi, we’re prostitutes, want to have some fun?”

One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, “Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!”

Sudoku Answers

Silly Quiz Answers 1. Coffin 2. incorrectly 3. Temperature 4. Mount Everest 5. The word "and."

6. Electric train has no smoke 7. "new door" = "one word" 8. Neither, the yolk is yellow

Quick Crossword Answers

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e n i v e p a r G uary Issue 01 - jan

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Pattaya Grapevine will become your No.1 vehicle for getting your message across to the ex-pat community and visiting tourists alike, to place your advertisement for only 9,999 baht per full page in full colour please contact Peter on 0806 442 511 peter@pattayatoday.net

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Top

ten Let’s take a look at the must have gadgets for 2009.

iPhone 3G (Apple)

I suspect most people would vote the iPhone as the gadget of last year. Now with the addition of 3G and push enterprise e-mail, it’s a much stronger smartphone contender. It also is for me the first true convergence device that actually does for the most part work (firmware 2.0 bugs aside). Convergence coming in the form of GPS, Camera, E-mail, Phone, Web browser, Gaming, Application support, Picture and Video browser. It also has made a lot of the big mobile names like Nokia and Sony sit up, which is great, as the user interface on the iPhone and iPod Touch is truly heads and tails above any of their current phones on the market. All this and it comes in one of the slickest and minimalistic designs around.

It does have its flaws - but still a true contender for gadget of the year, that is as much a fashion accessory as a practical device.

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Sony Rolly

The Rolly from Sony is all about fun. It is essentially a robotic MP3 playing robot that dances to the music you play. It comes with Rolly Choreographer software to create your own motions and even share them online with others. But if you don’t want to create your own it comes with an Auto and Self Motion modes which will analyse the music and create the type of style dance you request. It also comes with Bluetooth streaming (A2DP), 5 hour battery life, 2GB of storage, high quality speakers with 180 degree baffle effect.

40” OLED TV

Currently your best bet for an OLED is the Sony XEL-1. It’s not the best price screen per inch but certainly is the best looking on the market. But as with all good technology the price will start to come

gadgets down and screen sizes will go up. Samsung have already prototyped early this year a 40” Full HD OLED display with 1920 x 1080 resolution, 1,000,000:1 contrast ratio and is under 1cm thick.

Samsung therefore have proved it can all be done so it just a case of making them at a consumer friendly price and I think this year we will see these large sized OLEDs appearing.

New Google Android Phones

Not long ago Google announced that the source code at the core of its Android platform would be available for free to anyone wanting to use it and develop with.

This open source approach has opened up the market to more phones manufacturers and developers able to make Android based phones but it also means there will be a host of application to download for it - and I suspect we will see more useful applications than the mainly games ridden App Store on iTunes (I want a good Exchange Mail client). It looks like Asus, Motorola and Samsung will be the next to follow Kogan and the rather averagely designed HTC G1 with a Google Android phone early next year, hopefully making the most of the Android platform finally.

Touch Screen Eee PC

4 million sales to date, Asus have some new devices planned for next year. The CEO of Asus, Jerry Shen, has apparently announced a touch screen Eee PC laptop early 2009 capable of running Windows 7 - but I’m not holding my breath. However something that is more promising is the Eee Top All-in-one touch screen desktop which should be available early this year and I think this will make it big towards the end of the year. Currently launched in white only with 1.6GHz Intel Atom, 1GB RAM, 160GB hard drive, 15.6” screen, Window XP, 1.3 megapixel camera, Wi-fi, built in speakers and enough ports to keep you more than happy - look out for this one, prices will be around £450.

New Intel Chip Codename Nehalem

This is the next generation of chip sets from Intel - codenamed Nehalem. It brings a critical change not just to the processor but also in the way it communicates with memory and other processors.

Intel have branded this as the QuickPath Interconnect (or QPI). QuickPath involves two main ingredients one is a built-in component called a memory controller that is separate on today’s Intel chips; integrating this memory controller reduces communication delays in transferring data to and from memory. All in all this should mean a dramatic increase in memory latency and bandwidth improvements with initial reports of as much as 3 times performance increases on today chipsets. They are expecting to sell “Nehalem” processors with 8 cores on a single slice of silicon in 2009.

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gadgets

Transparent Toaster

This transparent toaster allows you to see your bread while it is toasting so you can make sure you never burn toast again. This idea is based on a transparent heating glass technology. Although the glass unfortunately does not currently get hot enough to toast bread, the vendor explained with some research and development this appliance will be hitting the shelves by 2009. The concept was developed by the Inventables Concept Studio.

iPod Touch 32GB (Apple)

Want something to play and organising music and videos with ease? Well the iPod touch 32GB is just the ticket. It comes with an above average battery, intuitive touch interface, Wi-fi, a large selection of games and applications (built in and new ones from the constantly updated iTunes App Store) and, of course, an iconic, sleak form factor. This is without doubt the best mp3 player on the market.

Handheld Vacuum Cleaner (Dyson DC16)

True 3D Satellite Navigation

True 3D satellite navigaion units started to surface at the end of last year but none of them as yet have impressed as promised. However the concept of seeing your surroundings in a much more 3 dimensional space is definitely something which is going to keep sat nav sales up. Tomtom, who for me make the best sat navs currently on the market, will be releasing a new 3D range in 2009. It will be interesting to see how well they they stack up to the current 3D NavMan S50 sat navs which already offer 3D landmarks of more than 1,000 European buildings.

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Getting in small nooks and crannies with a conventional vacuum cleaner is never easy in the best of places.

Also if you have had another brand of handheld vacuums you will no doubt be aware of their poor power limitations. However, with an innovate design, this DC16 handheld vacuum from Dyson does actually make it easy to get in the small nooks, is more convenient and gives plenty of power too.

NightMARCH That was the month that was (email: duncanstearn@gmail.com)

There's no Secrets to a good tasting beer

The aim of this column within each issue of the monthly Pattaya Grapevine is to utilise the fact the magazine is printed on glossy paper to bring you as many pictures of the ladies who spend their evenings entertaining customers in the myriad bars of the city as possible. There won’t be much in the way of news as by the time the print deadline has passed and the magazine is on the streets the information would probably be old and redundant.

Total number of Pattaya Dens of the Chrome Pole (as at 1/12/08): 76 Number on Walking Street (as at 1/12/08): 51

What’s Opened:

Club Insomnia nightclub on Walking Street, the latest late-night venue, relocated from Soi Marina Plaza.

End of November.

Three reasons to visit Club Boesche

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A Diamond in the rough

Two friendly road runners give Coyotees an edge

Imported from Bangkok and brought up to Diamond status

Some girls just look like they came down from Heaven Above

The latest in nursing wear from Sisterz

Dressed for success in Windmill

A pair ready for bed in Baby Dolls

All photos by DAK

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Outdoor Laser Tag Challenging combat sim and sociably chilling Outdoor Laser Tag, introduced to Thailand by LivePlay, Jomtien, on October 3, 2008, is the latest and most realistic external combat simulation game on the market, without the awkward splatter of Paint Ball, or the pain of BB Guns. However, LivePlay’s young partners, Bachar Settha and Mark Schwyn, are at great pains to point out that it’s essentially a social event, albeit a hyper-competitive one. Laser Tag is ideally a game for the boys (of all ages), though martially-inclined girls will get off on it, too.

LivePlay, with the help of Nong Nooch Gardens, have built an extensive, authentic-style battleground, equipped with hut, warehouse, watchtower, fences, hedges, trees and concrete obstacles for cover, on Sukhumvit Road, just up from the Jomtien Floating 4 Market. Here you can compete in various two-team combat scenarios, ranging from novices’ 15-minute sessions to complex Special Forces’ ‘Stealth Dragon’ night missions; a far more exacting challenge, where you capture objectives and get to use the more sophisticated equipment, including smoke grenades and devastating claymore mines. The game can be played in any weather, including the rain, but for coolness, the special effects and accurate sighting, it’s best at night, where the flashes of the sensor devices register hits and the infrared dot of the ‘tag’ is far more visible. Our team played in the midday sun, being English, and our resident gamer, being more used to sedentary indoor gaming, succumbed to the heat, or maybe that should be PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).

The combat is so realistic, or ‘awesome’, as our gamer put it, that it’s not only used by various US SWAT teams and the South Korean Army for training, but also acts as an effective deterrent to participating in real combat, especially when you realise just how easy it is to get killed, despite all your previous preconceptions

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of how adept you thought you might be in battle!

The latest equipment was developed by the Australian Battlefield Sports Co., who invented the new infrared transmitters and receivers, providing considerably enhanced accuracy and range, making it perfect for outdoor game play. Thus perfected, Outdoor Laser Tag has resoundingly trounced its rivals Paint Ball and BB Guns, which pale in comparison, and has proved extremely popular, with 300 locations in 30 countries.

The kit itself is relatively expensive, each gun, of which there are 7, ranging from US$ 1400 – 1700 each and it’s no easy matter to get them past customs!

The 200 metre-range, target mechanism is actually infrared, rather than laser proper, and relies on accurate targeting of one of three body sensors, the most advanced players going for the headband type.

There is a LED screen on each weapon to display available ammunition and the number of lives, with a reload button on the underside, close to the trigger guard. As a novice, one can play non-stop for 15 minutes and then be revived by the resident ‘lovely’ every time your triple lives are extinguished.You’ll know you are dead by the aural ‘Ow!” emitted by the sensor and the fact that your gun becomes inactive, incapable of being fired or reloaded.

The game is awfully addictive and those of a competitive spirit will want to play time and time again to become proficient. Becoming more adept, you can then form 5-man teams to challenge the LivePlay Dream Team for a “Best of 5 Death Match”, with a contributory kitty that goes to the winners.

Although our team was composed of raw novices, plus two experts and we were still pitted against an in-house team, who though handicapped, still managed to slaughter us effortlessly. As such, Outdoor Laser Tag is a perfect recreational sport for young corporate teams, or large bands of friends, being capable of accommodating up to 30 players. It’s also great for team building, honing team tactics and mutual support, apart from giving one the opportunity to ‘kill’ one’s boss, pleasantly. The game is also eminently mobile, being capable of being played virtually anywhere; it’s just that the LivePlay battle arena has more

purpose-built props to make it more realistic and more fun.

After the challenge, you can retire for refreshments at the on-site restaurant altogether and discuss tactics and your team’s shortcomings. As Bachar and Mark stress, Outdoor Laser Tag is perfect for developing social contacts and chilling out, where the nonparticipant female companions can commiserate with the ‘wounded pride’ of the defeated combatants.

The facilities at Jomtien include tents under the trees and they are keen to put on social events and parties, including having a resident DJ for discos. The restaurant serves both Thai and Western food cheaply and has a drinks licence, so alcohol’s available, preferably post-game. Although they are partially targeting tour groups during the High Season, Bachar and Mark much prefer the repeat customer, especially the dedicated combat game aficionados with whom they can swop tips on strategy and agonise over ever-more perfect battlefield scenarios, the relative merits of each weapon and discuss increasingly more challenging tournaments and league play.

Prices range from only to 600 baht per 30 minutes to a fantastic full day pass at only 2,000 baht.

LivePlay location: 102/20,21 Sukhumvit Road, Najomtien, Chonburi 20250.

Tel: 038-255 381 Website: www.liveplay.in.th

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Fool A

in Paradise

How Smart Was That?

As an avid listener, Pattaya is the greatest place in the world to hear anecdotes, opinions and observations of people from all walks of life. I don’t think I will ever get tired of hearing stories – and then writing about them – and laughing at the antics of other people instead of crying over my own. One of the most amazing things is the Thai-Westerner culture shock and the various opinions held by each side of the other.

For instance, I have received e-mails from visitors who indicate that they detected a general lack of intelligence on the part of the Bar Hostesses. On the other hand, as we all know, most Bar Hostesses believe foreign men are stupid. It is not difficult to understand why given the moronic behaviour of a minority of the farang contingent. Some of them (myself included) seem capable of gross stupidity in anyone’s eyes. But if each side thinks the other is stupid, who is right and who is wrong? Or, are we both right or both wrong?

I’m not going to try and defend the behaviour of foreign men because they are big boys and fully capable of taking care of themselves. Neither will I defend Bar Hostess antics but, as a diligent student of their operating manual, I am in a position to understand, and possibly explain, some of their behaviour.

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Sometimes, the things they do may seem silly but there is definitely logic behind it. Two cases in point: The first involves an old guy who visits Pattaya a couple of times each year. He is single and has been coming here for a good time for more than a decade, so he knows the score around the bars. He explained that every time he sits at a new bar, the girls come out with the usual small talk and questions we are all familiar with. He says he tries to fob them off by saying that he is an old man. They counter by arguing that he is not old – he is a young man. During this light banter they come out with statements such as he only looks forty or fifty years old and is very handsome and even young for that age. Once he has had enough of all the jokes, he pulls out a 1,000 baht note from his pocket and tells them it is for the girl who correctly guesses his age. Now with a financial incentive, he says the next few moments are priceless.

“74.”

“76.”

“83.”

He said it was interesting how he suddenly ‘aged’ by up to thirty years. They only got one guess each and

although some were close, at 72 years of age he said he has never had to pay out the 1,000 baht.

The second story involves a friend of mine who has had a live-in girlfriend for about a year. He said he went to a bar with his girlfriend and, quite by accident, discovered one of the girls working there was someone he had known for many years. They caught up on old times - he flirted with her; pinched her bottom; gave her cuddles etc – all in front of his girlfriend who, although not amused, wisely realized she could do little about it. (Interesting aside to this story: if a guy behaved like that in the West, he would be hit with criminal action for sexual harassment or assault, a restraining order, civil action for damages due to the waitress’s inevitable stress and psychiatric treatment, followed by a divorce from his companion and alimony payments. Here, it is just harmless fun!)

As the Hostess went off to attend other customers, his girlfriend handed her 200 baht. He didn’t quite understand why, but assumed it was just a tip because he had not bought her a lady drink. He said he was going to buy her one but did not get around to it.

But really, as far as his girlfriend was concerned, how smart was she?

What? You don’t get it? Well, by that one simple action she gave the girl several subliminal, but nevertheless forceful, messages: “I am his lady and I control the money. You are a bar girl and are being paid for being nice and flirting with a customer. This was not a re-acquaintance of good friends but a business deal.”

Intelligence comes in many forms and is not merely a function of IQ or educational background.

Some of the brightest scientific brains on the planet may be incapable of making toast or boiling water but give them a complex mathematical problem and they will solve it in seconds. It is the same with the Bar Hostesses of Pattaya. They may not know where your country is on a map, or even where Cambodia is; they may not be able to do simple mathematics in their heads or even read and write; but they know how to survive in an often cruel and unjust environment. Back to the first case of my 72-year-old friend, the Hostesses were simply being smart salespeople by using the oldest trick in the book – flattery. A man’s Achilles Heel is his ego and like Lord Byron said: “The reason that adulation is not displeasing is that, though untrue, it shows one to be of consequence enough, in one way

or other, to induce people to lie.”

So, some foreigners believe the girls are stupid because they could not live in our high-tech world, and they think we are stupid because we could not survive in their contrasting, but no less complex world. In this respect, both sides are right – and wrong. The trick is to accept the situation for what it is and not pass judgment. I am reminded of the guy selling his car. Once the negotiation was complete and the price of $10,000 agreed upon, the purchaser said, “You are not a very good salesman, mate, because I would have paid you $12,000 for that car.”

To his surprise, the seller was not upset. He simply replied, “Well, neither are you. I would have sold it for $8,000!” Both sides won and both sides lost, but the result was an amicable compromise.

In general, it is erroneous to judge someone simply by his or her momentary actions without being fully aware of the machinations going on behind the scene.

Relevant to Pattaya, the worst mistake a foreigner can make in this town is to underestimate the talents of a Bar Hostess.

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Clever Photography 44

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When BUYING or SELLING a Business in Pattaya contact

TBAC

our AIM is clear TBAC Tel: 038 489 074 5 or 087 283 534 9 Email: info @ t-b-a-k.com Web: www.t-b-a-c.com

The Company You Can Trust

Win Tickets

to see one of the World’s Greatest Bands with Pattaya Grapevine There are not a lot of groups who survive for a few years within the music industry, most are here today gone tomorrow, so for a group to survive in this very competitive industry for 25 years is in itself an acknowledgement that they have the status of Superstars On February 1st 2009, Simply Red, with lead singer Mick Hucknall, will be opening their world tour with a gig in Bangkok to start the celebrations of 25 unbelievable years in the music industry. In this, the first issue of Pattaya Grapevine, we are giving you the opportunity to win two seats at this very special event. All you have to do to win is answer the very easy question towards the end of this article and follow the instructions on how to enter. It just goes for me to wish you all luck and tell you a little about this group who have survived with such a high profile for 25 years.

Simply Red emerged out of the streets and clubs of Manchester in the post-punk era of 1984 and within 12 months were riding in the British charts. The original line-up of singer Hucknall, bassist Tony Bowers, drummer Chris Joyce, guitarist Dave Fryman, keyboardist/singer Fritz McIntyre and horn player Tim Kellet became regulars on the thriving club circuit and soon caught the attention of record company scouts on the hunt for new talent.

Simply Red found themselves with a major record deal within six months of starting up and on their way to a recording studio with ace American producer Stewart

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great Competition Levine. At this point the band experienced their first change as guitarist Sylvan Richardson replaced Dave Fryman during the making their first album Picture Book which was released in October 1985 and climbed to number two thanks to the top 20 success of debut hit Money’s Too Tight (Too Mention).

The great success of the first album was followed by ‘Men and Women’ in 1987 and ‘A New Flame’ in 1989. The quality and success of the new album – it sold a million in the UK and over 6 million worldwide – also heralded the band’s move from club and theatre dates to major arenas including playing to 60,000 people in Sao Paulo, Brazil.

For band leader Mick Hucknall and Simply Red, Stars became an album of truly classic proportions.

In America, where it wasn’t considered radio friendly, the album still managed sales of 700,000 while it topped the 8 million mark worldwide, including over 4 million in the UK. It would now be a further four years before Simply Red returned with a new studio album but a highly regarded live EP recorded at the Montreux Jazz Festival in 1992 earned them new fans and kept them in the charts.

In 1995 the album Life became Simply Red’s third successive chart topper and it heralded a change in the band’s line up as Kellet and Ward departed and reggae stars Sly Dunbar, Robbie Shakepeare and Bootsy Collins augmented the regular line up in the recording studio.

Despite some initial resistance from Hucknall, 1996 saw the release of Simply Red’s long awaited Greatest Hits collection and the 15 track album meant another number one for the band plus the specially recorded top five hit Angel, featuring the considerable talents of the Fugees.

The line up of Simply Red took on a totally new appearance for the 1998 album Blue which was destined to make it five number one albums in a row plus a further four hit singles including Hucknall’s SayYou Love Me and the pop classic The Air That I Breathe.

More albums followed and ever anxious to stretch himself musically, Hucknall embarked on debut solo effort in 2008 with his tribute album to the great soul singer Bobby Bland.

Now, in the run up to Simply Red’s silver anniversary, Hucknall has undertaken the unenviable task of producing the ultimate Simply Red collection.

Entitled Simply Red 25, the new double CD features the top 25 Simply Red tracks from the past two and half decades and is launched with a memorable cover version of the Moody Blues 1960s smash hit Go Now. For a band with all-time worldwide sales of over 50 million and 30 top 40 UK hits to their credit – in addition to having played over a 1000 concerts to more then 10 million people – Simply Red are set to create more records with their new release plus a 2009 world tour.

Question

What was Simply Red’s first no1 hit in XXXXXXXXXXXX To enter simply email your answer to simplyred@pattayatoday.net, drop your answers into our office on Sukhumvit Road or telephone our offices on 038 410 077 and leave your details and answer before January 20th 2009.

Winner will be notified on the 21st and published in next months Pattaya Grapevine.

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DR. PENGUIN

THE MAGICAL MYSTERY TOUR OF

Dr. Penguin, aka Chedly Saheb-Ettaba, is a man of many parts who has been entertaining vast groups of people from virtually all over the world for nigh on 45 years, since the tender age of 8. This marked the commencement of a career, which has led him to perform all over the planet, from the Olympics and Paralympics in Beijing 2008 to major rock shows, including U2, Stevie Wonder, Michael Jackson, Annie Lennox, TOTO etc., to high society and royalty.

Numbered among this illustrious group are the Royal Families of the UK, Brunei, Thailand, Nepal, Bhutan, Malaysia, Denmark et al. He has even performed before audiences in major political events like APEC. Dr. Penguin performs his own special brand of Comedy Magic, however, never having been one of the crowd. It’s also true to say that rather than seek the limelight, he has always been satisfied to play the backwaters of the world. One of the original “Bad Boys of Magic”, he developed his idiosyncratic style of interactive comedy from a combination of studies with great theatre icons such as Jacque Le Coq, and Marcel Marceau in Paris to La Mama in New York.

However, before we embark on a narrative of Penguin’s achievements, let’s just step back to the beginning. Penguin was the product of an upper-class marriage between an American with a lineage stretching back to the Mayflower and a member of the Tunisian royalty. Penguin was born in Tangiers; a suitably mystical and exotic entrepot on the North African coast, traditionally the haven of the Barbary pirates. His parents had apparently been enamoured of the ‘50s Beat scene that was flourishing in the exotic city at the time.

After the death of his father when he was 6, Penguin was taken via Paris and Spain to the US and after

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a short passage of time, won a talent contest at an Episcopalian school in Los Angeles, which resulted in him attending St. Paul’s Cathedral School in London, due to the schools’ close affiliation. His guardian while he was in England was none other then the famous magical comedian, Tommy Cooper, who essentially sent him off on the magical mystery tour that he is still on. Penguin took that first fateful step after Tommy remarked on seeing Penguin give his first magical performance at school that it was ‘crap’ and needed more comedy to make an impact and he should try performing elsewhere. Penguin took Tommy’s throwaway remarks literally and he went AWOL from his boarding school, only to be found some days later performing in front of Lincoln Cathedral before a growing crowd.

Penguin eventually finished school in London and went on to Santa Cruz University in the States, after which he returned to Europe, intending merely to go for a 6-month holiday, but never returned.

Inevitably, his first port of call was London where he went to try and earn a living. However, he was plunged in at the deep end, after having been robbed before leaving the US, and ended up almost penniless in London. Undaunted and being a resourceful fellow, he BSed the hotel that he booked into that he was expecting money imminently via American Express, which they foolishly believed. To justify his ruse, he then went over to the nearest American Express office and began giving a magic show. Initially, however, he was a complete flop and made virtually no money.

This didn’t last long though, he examined the British sense of humour and adapted his act accordingly.

Soon he’d made enough to pay his 3-day hotel bill and moved on to Carnaby Street, that famous street of fashion and the arts media, part of which has always played host to struggling artists of all descriptions.

Here, Penguin made a killing, drawing in over 1000 pounds in 2 weeks, a fortune for 1976 and enough to see him over the winter. While in London, Penguin was lucky enough to see the exhibition of Pharaoh Tutenkhamun and among the exhibits saw the paraphernalia of one of the court magicians. He was astonished to realize that some of the magical kit was identical to that used today, although unlike in Ancient Egypt, modern magicians don’t coat their hands in gold dust.

After this, he headed off south, passing through Paris and Barcelona, Spain, working festivals and the streets, getting a grip on interaction through different languages and cultures. Eventually, tiring of Europe, Penguin decided to follow his Moroccan roots, where he ended up in Marrakech. This ancient colourful city has a famous square by the name of Djem’al Efna, the place of the dead, traditionally the venue for performers of all ilks, from snake charmers to native magicians and musicians from the desert, not to mention diminutive amputees who sit on trays with wheels attached to scoot along between people’s legs, begging. Here, Penguin rapidly became attached to a group of storyteller-performers who would tell long, interminable fables of the desert, interspersed with pleas for liquid sustenance when their throats became dry. Their avid fans would then shoot off to the nearest drinks seller and return with the requested refreshment. Penguin became intimately involved with this troupe of entertainers, adding his own brand

of magical comedy to the exotic mix.

Marrakech has traditionally been the interface between Morocco’s sometimes lush countryside and the desert and it was not long before Penguin was drawn further south to join the youthful cosmopolitan venture of hippies, travellers and adventurers that made the country one of their stop-overs on their global treks. Soon, being a colourful and entertaining individual, Penguin ingratiated himself with various musical and artistic people, one of whom was known by the unlikely name of Count Bruno the Terrible, who just so happened to have a red fire truck, which had originally been brought to the continent as part of Rommel’s Afrika Corps. Upon their first meeting, they experienced an immediate rapport and the two paired up to start the Magical Circus, which was to tour Europe, North Africa, and overland to Asia.

In Asia, Penguin found his niche, delving into ancient cultures and magic, he developed a deep love of anthropology and travel. He also began extending his talents to TV and radio, performing, writing, directing, editing and producing, but that’s the subject of the next article.

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