The Canine Chronicle MBMS MAYPRIL 2016 (SATIRE) by The Canine Chronicle

[t h e canine ]

mount baker middle school, auburn, washington

maypril 2016

volume VI, issue 5

inside this issue: Chairs Cause Hearing Loss

News MBMS Clubs

PRIDE Week Dress-Up Ideas

Seahorses Draft Review

DEAR BULLDOGS,

New MBMS Sports

Teacher’s Edition WGMG

SPOTLIGHT: DAB Epidemic

Smartphones Make You Smart

Chalmers Runs for President

New Candidates in 2016

Disaster on Isla Nublar

The Meaning of the Universe

With only a little over a month of school left, many students are growing restless. Summer can’t be coming any slower. In an effort to let our journalists have a little extra fun, this edition is completely, 100 percent satirical. According to Oxford Dictionary, satire is “the use of humor, irony, exaggeration or ridicule, to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.” Five of our six editions of the year, the Canine Chronicle is a very trustworthy, reliable newspaper organization. This is the one edition of the year that is not factual. The purpose of this edition is to make readers laugh, and have our journalists experience what it’s like to write parody and satire. Any quotations used were by a made up source, for satirical purposes, or, if it was an MBMS student or staff member, they were in on the joke. Meaning, they were aware that their quotes were being used in humorous ways. Although quotes were used for humor, all quotes by a MBMS source, are just as true as they would be in any other edition. So, the source said the quoted information in an interview, and allowed us to publish it. Celebrity names were modified for humorous purposed as well. In this edition, we cover all the new clubs and new sports coming to our school next year. We’re covering how seventh grader John Chalmers is running for president, and how an MBMS student is suspended from dabbing. But, even if the news being covered in this edition isn’t real, we still cover anything from school lunches leading to a weird syndrome, to how take your child to work day, is becoming lame. Thank you for all our readers, and everyone who supports us, as we bring you news.

FRONT COVER PHOTO: Dabbing is increasing as a health risk as seen in the overflowing nurse’s office. Students are trying to spread the word via SnapChat and Instagarm. PHOTO ILLUSTRATION COURTESY OF T. HOLDEN & C. BAKER BACK COVER PHOTO: With the outbreak of the D.A.B. virus, spastic convulsions have spread through the student ppoulation. MBMS student’s show what they think D.A.B. stands for. PHOTO BY A.STEPHENS & B. YOUNGREN

Sincerely,

The Canine Chronicle

EDITORS PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY C. BAKER

mission: EDITORS

REPORTERS

Chloe Knox Cam Baker Camden Heilborn Ariana Stephens Bailee Youngren

Josh Abbot Josh Bair Aaron Baldridge Angel Borunda Siarah Brown Heily Chaires Mikayla Hall

Rachel Hall Alexus Jacobs Aunnika Lang Nick Miller Dong Nguyen Gio Parascondola Timothy Rambo

Derek Wirachowsky Keegan Yorke Rodrigo Zaldivar Dakota Zercher

[

ADVISER Peter Warring

table of contents

The MBMS Journalism 8 class produced this limited-voice newspaper with intent to ethically report events accurately, without bias. As a public forum for students, all decisions made on content are made under the guidance of the adviser, with intent to uphold students’ First Amendment rights. The opinions presented in articles are provided to represent the views and perspectives of students and individuals in our diverse student population, not necessarily the whole of the adviser, faculty, and administrators. Any material that would cause a disruption to the educational process like libel, invasion of privacy, or copyright infringement will not be published. The Canine Chronicle is produced using Microsoft Publisher. Photographs not taken by students have been utilized through a Creative Commons and Microsoft license. School portraits are licensed through Dorian Photography. DISCLAIMER: This edition is meant to primarily focus on the humorous satire of current events and school issues. Consider all material works of fiction.

volume VI, issue 5

]

HEILY CHAIRES Teenagers Sachi Tail, Keanu Omar, and Leif Mina were possessed in the 400 hall bathrooms at MBMS by Cuddles the Ghost before third period. Recently strange noises had occurred in the 400 hall including the both bathrooms. The toilets have been flushing automatically, and the sinks have been turning on and off without anyone being there. If you have ever been in science

teacher Mr. Ugo’s room you most likely heard the whistle. “The sink splashed me in my eyes causing me to fall into the hard floor,” Tail said.” Cuddles was laughing at the mess I made.” Cuddles was a former Mt. Baker student in 1953. Her greatest memory was talking to others while using the bathroom. His wish was to be buried in the boy’s bathroom and it came true in 1989. “My whistle is a call to my fellow classmates to be how I was when I

was a MBMS student and communicate to others while using the bathroom,” Cuddles the Ghost said. During Mr. Ugo’s planning time he was in his classroom by the 400 hall, he heard a yelp in the girls bathroom. The scream was from Keanu Omar, but he didn’t hear a scream, instead it was a laugh. “I have never giggled so much in my life,” Omar said. In the boys bathroom Mina was washing his hands and heard

someone crying inside the bathroom. Mina ran quickly inside and the lights started to flicker, Cuddles appeared right in front of him and tricked him into being a dog. “All I wanted to do is run and bark. Again and again, everyone stared, but I couldn’t stop,” Mina said. Using the bathroom during class is something you should beware of, Cuddles is not a ghost you want to mess with.

Cuddles overlooks eighth grader Rachel Hall as she admires herself into the mirror. PHOTO BY H.CHAIRES

[

maypril 2016

news & features

]

Prepares for Future BAILEE YOUNGREN The time of the year has come once again, where you go and sit and listen to your parents talk about who knows what . You’ve fallen into the “it will be so much fun if you came with me” trap. But in reality you’d much rather be finding the square root of pi. Or digging through trash for the next science test. Or of course writing the hundredth performance task of the year about something nobody really cares for. Yes, you guessed it. Its “Take Your Child To Work Day” season. Might as well call it take your child to work

“LAME” season. Answering the same phone, typing on the same computer every single day??? That’s worse than school. At least school they have passing period where you get to stand in the hallways and talk about the latest break up. But what do you do at work? Talk about the last person to go on a date? BOR-RING! Just like sixth grader Garret Rangel said recently, “There wasn’t that much to do.” While he was at work with his mom and, he experienced what many kids around the US did after getting dragged into this national mixed-

emotional day. “[I expected] something more exciting,” Rangel said. You start it off excited that you don’t have to go to school then you (for the first time in the school year) wish you were back watching the kids head in front of you bounce around like the baseball bobble head you got last Christmas. But nope you’re sitting in a box like a pet hamster. And the only things that keeps you more active

than your fingers on a keyboard is that old rolling chair you found in the staff room. And what is on their desk with a cord that they keep talking into when it rings? Students struggle to remain conscious while observing what their parents did for a living. PHOTO BY B. YOUNGREN

“There is always that one kind of kid that I always dislike, and that is the stinky kid that smells like the locker room, which is normally a guy that is a jock with their gym bags and sweat bands on their wrist. I believe that I’m beginning to lose my sense of smell because of the stench. The smell is so bad that the kids are always opening the windows. Also, the jocks hang in packs, so it is not just one but normally three. Kids bring their perfume/cologne to make it smell better, but it makes it even worse.”

“What kind of kids I hate? Well, I hate the mean ones. They insult me by saying my breath stinks, and creepily pet me like I’m some kind of animal. Although, they can be nice sometimes because they give me treats shaped as bones. I wonder how they knew that was my favorite kind. Also, I have become a little germaphobic ever since I have eight kids that sneeze all the time. It must be from the dust, but there are also some kids that I think are scared of me. I think they believe that I’m going to bite them.”

“All kids scare me, they distract me from focusing on the road. So, most of my days end up almost hitting a tree or swerving to the other lane. I always lose 10 pounds just by sweating so much from the fear that I might die, but regain the weight from their lunches that they forgot on the bus, or by my grandma’s homemade cookies. Anyways, the kids can be mean. They always tease me about my name, calling me Mr. Loser. Also, one time they put a whole ant farm down my back when I was driving. They terrify me! They’re just a big group of bullies. That’s why I hate children.”

MS. WINSKI

MR. REX

MR. BOOZER

route 21

[

route 42

route 71

news & features

volume VI, issue 5

]

PHOTOS COURTESY OF CORUSCENT PHOTOGRAPHY

AUNNIKA LANG

School Lunches Cause RUNBOLA ANGEL BORUNDA

Eighth grader Rachel Hall covers her ears to shield them from the loud squeaking the chair is making. PHOTO BY M.HALL

MIKAYLA HALL Recently at MBMS students and teachers have been whisked away in ambulances and being sent home because of injuries caused by chairs. MBMS has had the same chairs since the 1930’s, and the chairs squeak basically every time you move even a centimeter. Teachers and students both are tired of these squeaky chairs. “Recently I had one of my students sent home because the chairs were distracting them and they couldn’t think straight,” social studies teacher Mr. Dalton said. “They just started slamming their head repeatedly on the desk.” Students believe the chairs are causing them injuries, some not even ear related. “Last Friday, I was running in the hall way and a chair came out of nowhere and that was when I realized, I was in a classroom,” sixth grader Poppy Porter said. “I broke both of my legs, I blame

the chairs.“ Some said the chairs affect our learning. “How am I supposed to focus on my work?” eighth grader Archie Anderson said. “My ears are constantly bleeding from the loud noises of the chairs constantly speaking, I mean... Um... Squeaking.” Some students believe the chairs are out to get us all. “The chairs have been after us from the start, I know they are, they have to be, I mean have you seen their eyes?” Anderson said. “It’s creepy the way they look at you with so much hate.” Dr. Edgar a chair related injury specialists explained some causes of the many chair injuries at MBMS. “Chairs squeaky constantly all day everyday could cause anyone’s ears to bleed,” Dr. Edgar said. “Recent studies have shown people left in rooms with 20 to 30 squeaky chairs for more than 10 minutes have shown signs of people who have been qualified insane.”

It doesn’t take a scientist to realize that sixth grader like to run. It is far from unusual, although studies have shown that this past school year, there has been a major increase in sixth graders blasting through the halls. After months of researching and pursuing experiments on sixth graders, Mt. Baker staff members have come to a conclusion. Our administrators have come to believe that school lunches are causing sixth graders to get a bizarre and newly found syndrome health professors are calling Runbola. Sixth graders receive the syndrome only moments after digesting a meal from the school cafeteria. After the food reaches their digestive system a message is automatically sent to their brain making them believe that they must run at full speed everywhere they go. Only a few have managed to avoid this horrific syndrome. More than half of the sixth grade population have been diagnosed with it, leaving very little survivors left. “No I have not [been diagnosed with the syndrome],” sixth grader Joel Casperson claimed . According to him many of his friends have caught it, leaving him to worry. “[It worries me] because running in the halls can become a bad habit,” Casperson said with fear in his eyes. “And if they have it they can get in trouble and if I get it then I could get in trouble.” Although this syndrome troubles him, Casperson has claimed that it has not prevented him from getting school lunch. Administrators are doing everything to try and solve this problem, they have even considered taking drastic measures such as cancelling the lunch program due to the fact that there is no cure for Runbola. Even though only students in the sixth grade population can receive this syndrome, it has been concluded that the Runbola syndrome is very contagious which opens up a door for complete catastrophe. So as this school year wraps up, all students must make sure they are always watching their backs because the Runbola syndrome will now and forever be lurking through the halls of MBMS, seeking for its next victim.

PHOTO BY A. BORUNDA

[

maypril 2016

news & features

]

BAILEE YOUNGREN As this year comes to an end, we are getting ready for new additions to the school. With Michelle Mobama’s first lady term coming to an end, she decided to use her powers to help our clubs once more. Because Mrs. Mobama is such a busy person at the moment, she decided to hire professionals to advise our upcoming clubs here at MBMS. And with seventh grader John Chalmers moving on to bigger and better things, she couldn’t let the school he came from be stuck with boring clubs. This time it was not up to the staff to come up with the clubs.

If you are the kid that is way into competing with others and very good with your thumbs, this is the place for you. You can learn all the tricks and tips and share them with those around you. Just try to not lose any phalanges.

With Mr. Smith-Locke agreeing to help inform kids of the behind the machinery work that goes into the making of keys, this is your chance. Sunday nights when most students are finishing that homework assigned on Friday, others will be in Ms. Lacy’s science lab meeting about keys. This is the place to show and tell about the newest and best key added to your key collection and share with others that have the same passion as you.

KEY CLUB: This club is for all of you that enjoy collecting keys and wish there were a way to show them off.

BOOK CLUB: From 2:15-4:30 on Thursday afternoons inside the gym, you no longer have to follow the words, “Don’t judge a book by its cover. ” This is probably one of the only chances one will get to sit in a room with famous author J. K. Rolling and actually judge books by their covers. Just sit back and relax while you tell your best buddy about how ugly the cover to the book you had to read for fifth grade language arts was. Come on! Doesn’t that thing belong in the garbage rather than the nice clean library we have?

THUMB WAR CLUB: Wednesday mornings starting at 6:10 and going until the five-minute bell you could be in Mr. Jacobs room 604. This club will be advised by professional wrestler The Stone in early May after he finishes wrestling off his competitors. Thumb War Club will meet Wednesday mornings in Mr. Jacobs’ room. PHOTO BY B. YOUNGREN

[

news & features

volume VI, issue 5

]

For Maypril’s LOCKER LOTTERY, a series of “would you rather questions” were asked to two students from each grade, inquiring what they would give up or want to be if they only had two choices. In this edition, eighth graders Lily Gulchuk and Daniel Cano, seventh graders Kayla Rydberg and Tyler Puhlick, sixth graders McKenzie Emmons and Maxim Voronov were chosen.

RODRIGO ZALDIVAR & KEEGAN YORKE WOULD YOU RATHER GIVE UP YOUR COMPUTER OR YOUR PET? M.E.: “I would give up my computer.” M.V.: “I would give up my computer, because I barley use it.” K.R.: ”Give up my computer, because I don’t really go on my computer.” T.P.: ”Give up my pet, because I don’t really like my pet.” L.G.: “I would give up my computer, because I have my phone.” D.C.: “Computers suck, so I would you give up my computer.” WOULD YOU RATHER BE 3 FEET TALL BUT JUMP REALLY HIGH OR 8 FEET TALL WITHOUT JUMPS? M.E.: “Three feet tall.” M.V.: “I would be 8 feet tall, because if I was 3 feet

tall I would be a midget.” K.R.: ”I would be 8 feet tall, because it would be cool.” T.P.: ”I would be 3 feet tall, because 8 feet tall would be terrible.” L.G.: “I would be 3 feet, because I already know how it feels to be tall.” D.C.: “I would like to be able to dunk so I would be 3 feet tall.” WOULD YOU RATHER PLAY SOCCER WITH FIRST GRADERS OR FOOTBALL WITH SENIORS? M.E.: “Play soccer with first graders.” M.V.: “Seniors are hard, so I would play soccer with first graders.” K.R.: ”Soccer, because I would help them.” T.P.: ”Soccer, because I would skull the first graders.”

L.G.: “Seniors would kill me, so soccer.” D.C.: “I want to know how it feels to get injured, so I would play football with seniors.” WOULD YOU RATHER GET SUSPENDED FOR 8 DAYS FOR DOING NOTHING OR TEST 8 DAYS FOR YOUR LEAST FAVORITE SUBJECT? M.E.: “Test eight days.” M.V.: “I would test eight days, because my mom would kill me.” K.R.: “Get suspended, because test are just boring.” T.P.: “Test eight days, because my parents would be really mad if I got suspended.” L.G.: “Get suspended, because no one likes to test.” D.C.: “Get suspended, because who like to test?” WOULD YOU RATHER NEVER BE ABLE TO USE SNAPCHAT AGAIN OR INSTAGRAM? M.E.: “Snapchat.” M.V.: “I don’t use any, so it doesn’t really matter.” K.R.: “Without Snapchat, because I use Instagram more.” T.P.: ”Snapchat, because my friends don’t really have Snapchat.” L.G.: “I would rather never use Snapchat because not all my friends have Snapchat.” D.C.: “It wouldn’t matter for me, because I don’t use any.” WOULD YOU RATHER NEVER EAT SUBWAY AGAIN OR NEVER HAVE P ANDA E XPRESS? M.E.: “Panda Express.” M.V.: “I like Panda Express a lot, so I would give up Subway.” K.R.: “Give up Panda Express, because I eat Subway more.” T.P.: “Panda Express, because Subway is healthier.” L.G.: “Subway, because Panda Express is life.” D.C.: “I would give up Panda Express, because I feel they kill the pandas.”

PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY T. HOLDEN VIA PHOTOFUNIA.COM

[

maypril 2016

news & features

]

TIMOTHY RAMBO & JOSH BAIR

ANIMAL HEAD DAY

FRUIT DAY

FAMOUS COWBOY DAY

Welcome to animal day, one created to show our love and affection for the street animals such as stray cats, dogs, and even frogs. This day was approved by the Board of Administration of Washington. They are proud to have our one day out of the year to show that we love every last one of our animal companions.

Today is Fruit Day, the day we celebrate all of our fallen fruit that fought in the Great Fruit War. It was the great beginning to the economic structure of todayâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s society. Fruit Day was created by Sir Fruitalot,, commander of the Fruit Bowl army in 1861. His descendants go to MT MBMS, some unbeknownst to their ancestorâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s greatness. We love their fruity personality, and accept their culture as part of our P.R.I.D.E. week.

Famous Cowboy day was created by the Magnificent 6. All of them protected their town and on Friday, they came together in unity to celebrate all the good work they had done. They have passed down this tradition to all of the local schoolchildren, especially Mt Baker. It resides on the old grounds of a forgotten town once protected by the Magnificent 6.

ALL PHOTOS BY B. YOUNGREN

[

news & features

volume VI, issue 5

]

With the recent first-ever P.R.I.D.E. week, ASB used some of their best ideas to involve students and improve school spirit. A new P.R.I.D.E week is coming up and the ASB is running out of ideas, so The Canine Chronicle decided to pitch some of ideas to help out. In the examples, the history of each day is explained for the benefit of readers.

EIGHTH GRADE ACCUSED OF CHEATING TO WIN

ALEXUS JACOBS

PERSONAL INJURY DAY

BLACK & WHITE DAY

Personal [Tang] Injury Day is celebrated in honor of Gunnar Tang, a local rich student who was injured riding in his Mercedes Benz on a cool summer evening. He noticed a group of friends and naturally, being the ‘cool guy’ he is, he had to say hello. In doing so, he accidentally moved his foot from the gas pedal to the brake, sending him flying into a robber stealing money from the International Bank of Auburn. We appreciate his sacrifice and bravery once a year for Pride Weeks.

In 1953, the world was just figuring out how color worked. Some loved color- the bright, warm sight and the nice, cool feel they seem to have. Though some hated color. They saw it as a much too confusing concept. Colors like maroon and red were too close to differentiate between. In doing so, they had a war. Cornel Reds Blackberry fought for color; we love an honor him for everything that he’s done.

[

maypril 2016

news & features

At the end of every quarter, MBMS holds its anticipated pep assembly. Within this event, all the grades compete for the magic possessing PRIDE stick, which’s origin is so out of this world. One particular grade goes through great lengths to bask in the glory of the stick. The competition consists of three main challenges: spirit dress-up numbers, themed rallies, and the noise challenge. Several seventh graders have reported that their rival, the eighth graders, have been cheating during the noise competition these last few assemblies. “The seventh graders should win the PRIDE stick, since we’re the loudest, but of course, the eighth graders cheat to win,” seventh grader Gavin McLendon said. “The eighth graders use the band’s instruments while it’s their turn to be loud.” The PRIDE stick contains magical powers given by Martians. These powers are ones that tempt every single grade here at MBMS to use various methods of cheating to be the winner. While some eighth graders deny the fact that they cheat, there are some of which that admit to doing so. ”I do think that eighth graders cheat, because it’s the sixth graders that do the spirit challenge the best, yet the eighth graders win instead,” eighth grader Amaris Ilar said. The eighth graders also win rallies that they came in second for. Many people watch, confused, as the ASB announces eighth graders as the winner of a race they came in second for. Not only are the eighth graders trying to win, but there are plenty of students who believe the administration are in on the scheme. “The administration is definitely helping,” McLendon said. “Sadly, the only thing the seventh graders can do is wait until next year when it’s our turn to cheat.” *

]

DAKOTA ZERCHER

OT DJ Germain Khaled

DT Rick Reed

Fastest time saying “another one” in the league: 2.1 seconds

Fastest time using his rap technique to scare the opponent: 3.6 seconds

The Seattle Seahorses are back and better than ever with their newly acquired first round pick from the draft DJ Germain Khaled. This offensive tackle from Texas A&M is a beast coming in at 185 lbs., and he is also 5’ 6’’ tall. His 40 yard dash time is 6.7 seconds, and he has lots of strengths and some weaknesses. Some of his strengths include brutal strength, and the fastest time in the league saying, “another one” and the best at using Snapchat. Although some of his weaknesses may include slow foot speed and not being the fittest, this man is still a monster.

Up next, we have Rick Reed the defensive tackle out of Alabama. This barbarian is 5’ 11’’ and comes in at 300 lbs. His 40 yard dash is 7.8 seconds, and he also has other strengths and weaknesses. Some of his strengths consist of bowling over opponent using his rapping technique to persuade the offensive line not to block and also dominates against the run. Some of his weaknesses may not be in shape or really slow but this man will still get the job done.

Texas A&M

[

Alabama

sports

volume VI, issue 5

]

The Seattle Seahorses have an interesting draft class for 2016. They tried to go for pure talent in music, comedy, and acting talent. This draft took place on April 28 to April 30 in Chicago, Illinois.

RB C.J. Hart

TE Nick Chewbacca

Fastest time in the league making someone laugh: 1.6 seconds

Fastest time pulling someone’s arm out of their socket: 2.9 seconds

This next draft pick from Notre Dame has a lot of potential in the NFL. C.J. Hart has a blazing 40 time at 4.9 seconds and is no slouch coming in at 141 lbs. Although he is only 5’ 4’’ that doesn’t stop him from becoming a top five running back in the league next year. Some of his strengths include high elusiveness, good footwork, and making defenders laugh as he runs by with jokes. Some of his weaknesses may include not being very powerful, because of his size or not an every down back, but that doesn’t stop his mission on being the best running back in the NFL.

Chewbacca out of Ohio State was a third round pick and has a bright future in the NFL coming in at 7’3’’. This superstar is also said to be NFL ready ,as he is no slouch coming in at 247 lbs. His 40 yard dash is a whopping 6.5 seconds, but because of his tall playmaking ability the speed doesn’t really matter. Nick Chewbacca also has many strengths and a couple of weaknesses. Strengths including scaring the defense because they know he can rip arms out of sockets. Other strengths include catching the ball in traffic and also running precise routes, and blocking solidly on passing downs. Weaknesses include getting separation from defenders, and losing his temper easily, and pulling peoples arms out of their sockets. Although he has a couple of noticeable weaknesses, this man will still get the job done in clutch situations.

Notre Dame

Ohio State

ALL PHOTO ILUSTATIONS BY D.ZERCHER

[

maypril 2016

sports

]

Three players on Mt. Baker’s Quidditch team are practicing in front of the school. They are practicing their gurning skills as well. PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY G. PARASCONDOLA AND K. YORKE

KEEGAN YORKE & GIO PARASCONDOLA

In the upcoming years, there will be some changes at MBMS in the athletics department. Four new sports will be added to MBMS, including quidditch, race walking, gurning, and toe wrestling. “All of the sports will be successful,” athletic director Mrs. Rogers said.. “They can build skills to be competitive.”

QUIDDITCH A sport of two teams with seven players each mounted on broomsticks with three hoops of varying heights at either end, the goal of quidditch is to throw the ball through the hoops. Quidditch is a very difficult

[

sport that only the best of the best can compete in. To play this, it involves years of training as this sport is physically demanding in all areas. It involves massive arm strength to carry the broom for the entire competition. Many believe that quidditch will be the most popular new sport.

RACE WALKING Race walking is a competitive Olympic sport, but differs from running. One foot must remain on the ground at all times, and the leading foot must be straightened. Although race walking is not as popular as running it is catching up quickly. If race walking is added to Mt. Baker ,it may spark some controversy between which is better; run-

sports

ning or race walking. This is the most competitive way to walk and you can practice it anywhere. If you play this sport at MBMS you will eventually be race walking everywhere you go.

GURNING Gurning is a sport created in 1267, and the goal is to produce the ugliest and scariest face to win. There is a strict no make-up policy. This is an extremely old sport that kids (and even adults) can all enjoy. Since the goal is to make the ugliest and scariest face possible, kids at MBMS will already be very good at this as they already have ugly and scary faces (especially the seventh graders). Make sure if you compete in

gurning you do not keep the weird face for too long or your face my get stuck.

TOE WRESTLING Two opponents take off their socks and shoes (it is common courtesy for each player to remove the other player’s socks and shoes) and lock toes to attempt to pin the opponent’s foot for three seconds. Toe wrestling is basically a mix of arm wrestling and a thumb war, but with your feet instead. This sport would be available to all grade levels at MBMS. The players with the most toe strength will be able to be successful. “I think Mr. Lewis would be an awesome toe wrestling coach,” Rogers said.

volume VI, issue 5

]

This month several MBMS staff members shared the some aspects of their teaching jobs that truly frustrate them, in these 200-word rants. Disagree? The segment ‘What Grinds My Gears’ is presented as opinion and does not express the views of all MBMS students or The Canine Chronicle. If you would like to express your opinion, write us a letter, and you Maypril be published in our next edition.

TISSUE SHORTAGE You know what grinds my gears? No Kleenex! What’s up with the shortage? There are noses running marathons around here and they need blowing. It’s allergy season and there are no tissues to be found! And paper towels are not tissues. Have you tried wiping your nose with the school’s paper towels? It’s like using notebook paper! Use it too much, and you’re left with a crusty, red nose that’s a beacon shouting, “Stay away! This person is full of snot!” And what if there are no paper towels available? That leaves you one option, your sleeve. You know you’ve done it. Your nose is running and there’s no other option than to wipe it or eat it, (I hope you chose to wipe it). But now you have crusty snot drying on your sleeve. Disgusting! So, always, and I mean always, carry your own Kleenex! Available in cute little packages that easily fit inside any pocket, they’re cheap and will keep you from ever having to make the nasty choice of wiping or eating your snot, (and no one will ever have to witness you do it). And that’s what grinds my gears . —MRS. HUBBELL ______________________________________

POOR LISTENING You know what grinds my gears? Students asking the question “What do I do?” after I’ve spent the past 30 minutes explaining in excruciating detail exactly what they are supposed to be doing. I mean, forget the step-by-step instructions at the top of the paper, the board, and Google Classroom, let alone the instructional video link and numerous examples I posted. They want me to go through my song and dance (that I rehearsed last night in front of the mirror and my dog instead of watching the most recent episode of The Walking Dead, btw) AGAIN because they were too busy wondering if Tiffany had purposely worn the same shirt to disrupt the middle school hierarchy, or how to effortlessly work in a

[

maypril 2016

relevant YouTube sensation reference at lunch, or what in the heck dabbing really is, to pay attention long enough to understand their assignment. I guess the color coded example that I spent my planning period making for them just wasn’t brightly colored enough. Maybe if I speak in 140 characters or hold up emojis they’ll at least mistake it for social media long enough to get the basics and quit asking me to repeat myself. And that’s what grinds my gears. —MRS. KEATON ______________________________________

MECHANICAL PENCILS You know what really grinds my gears? MECHANICAL PENCILS! I swear they were created just drive teachers loony enough to be locked into an insane asylum. And I may still end up there. From the beginning of the school year I warn students not to use them or otherwise I’ll throw them in the trash! And yet, only a few short days into it, I see mechanical pencils popping up like weeds. I mean seriously. Don’t you have something more productive to do with your life as a student besides use a mechanical pencil? Like, you know, study? Do classwork? Pick your nose? If I had a penny for every time I heard a mechanical pen clicking away in my classroom, I’d be richer than Bill Gates. Literally! And DON’T EVEN get me started on lead. Who in God’s name would create a pencil that needs to be refilled when there’s a perfectly good one that has lead in the entire thing?!?! And then to not even make the same size lead? Kill me now! All throughout my classroom I hear whispers. Ghosts? A demonic presence? Nope. It’s just my students asking their mechanical pencil-using partner for lead. Imagine a student trying to be quiet but really sounds like he’s shouting: “Do you have 2.31690123485767493 size lead???” And his partner shouts back, “NO. I only have

opinion/editorial

8.90456372134759 size.” Suddenly, my class is engulfed in a mechanical-pencil-lead-findingmadness only the Apocalypse could end. And that’s what grinds my gears. —MIZZ RYAN ______________________________________

ENORMOUS BINDERS You know what grinds my gears? Carry-on luggage being passed off for binders, that’s what. I can’t have my backpack because our classrooms are crowded so instead I will carry around everything I need FOR EVERY CLASS in an oversized binder that would barely fit in the overhead bin of a 747! Do you need all 19 highlighters with you ALL DAY? No. One arm is going to be longer than the other from carrying all that weight around. And don’t even get me started on the ones with shoulder straps. All I see in the hallways are over-the-shoulderbinder boulders smashing into people. Have you seen the damage one of those bricks can do to the head of someone with a bottom locker, innocently trying to collect their things for class? Oh, don’t mind me. I’m just carrying my locker with me today. Who needs a locker when the Bind-o-matic 3000 can safely support 130lbs of glorious past assignments? I mean, it comes in 4 colors. To those binders that are larger than most pieces of luggage I own, a little piece of my soul perishes when I see you perilously perched on the edge of a desk, waiting to be bumped by some wayward hip and spilling 18 of the 19 highlighters. And that’s what grinds my gear —MS. LACY

]

With any teen fad, middle schoolers are quick to jump on board. Recent events and studies have shown that this craze have be more hurtful than helpful. At what degree will MBMS students go to in a search to be accepted ? PHOTO COURTESY OF ROBLOX.COM

SIARAH BROWN Eighth grader Dabby Peterson was suspended on Friday. May 6 for doing the viral dance move that has gone world-wide called the “dab”. Peterson caused a school catastrophe from one little “sneeze”. The entire eighth grade hallway burst into flames after Peterson dabbed while walking to class. She was walking to class when he saw eighth grader Sally Janson dropped her books. But like a flash, she caught them before they hit the ground. “I was so proud of my lightning quick reflexes that I couldn’t help myself,” Peterson said. “Whenever I get excited, I like to dab. It has become a habit.” As Peterson started to dab, her left hand jetted out and poked sixth grader Jonny Thompson in the eye.

“I was blinded for about thirty seconds,” Thompson said. “I stumbled backwards because it shocked me so much.” Thompson fell into science teacher, Ms. Lacy’s, classroom during a Bunsen burner experiment. He knocked over one of the tables that was closest to Ms. Lacy’s desk, and one of the flames fell onto a stack of homework papers. The papers burst into flames and continued to spread around the classroom. Everyone rushed out and made it outside safely. The firefighters showed up to the scene five minutes after the fire started. Thankfully, they stopped it just in time for the fire to only destroy the eighth grade hallway. There were no people injured, but dabbing is now banished from all schools in the Auburn School District to prevent another mishap.

Peterson was suspended from poking Thompson, and causing a fire that demolished part of the school. “It was all just an accident,” Peterson said. “I don’t know how one little dab could cause so much trouble.” The hallway is said to be rebuilt by June 17, but until then, all eighth

grade students will need to attend Olympic Middle School because there is no other room in MBMS’s overly crowded classrooms. All science classes in the Auburn School District aren’t allowed to do any experiments that involve fire or an open flame from now on.

Peterson does her last dab, causing the fire, before being caught and suspended. PHOTO BY S. BROWN

[

spotlight

volume VI, issue 5

]

DEREK WIRACHOWSKY A newly discovered illness called the Dubious Attollo Brachium Disorder, also known as the D.A.B. Virus, has taken the country by storm. WHO [World Health Organization] researchers are stumped by the potentially dangerous disease. This disease makes you dab needlessly at all times. It distracts the brain system from thinking of anything other than dabbing, causing the immobilization of entire communities. “The virus itself isn’t fatal but the dabbing can catch you off guard leading to accidents,” dabbing specialist Shannon Driscoll said. Already, thousands of car crashes and construction site accidents have been reported throughout the country. Miraculously, nobody has been severely wounded though researchers believe that won’t last long. “I was driving down I-5 when all of a sudden several cars started running into each other,” President Larrock Mobama said shortly before dabbing himself. The virus began with Campbell Newton, a professional quarterback for the Carolina Kitties. After scoring a touchdown in a game of football against the Titans, he threw his arms into the air as if sneezing violently and used that move as a victory dance. “I didn’t know what I was doing at first but I just went with it. It wasn’t until later that my doctor diagnosed me with the Dubious Attollo Brachium Disorder,” Campbell Newtom said. Mt. Baker Middle School received the worst of the virus. Nurses, teachers, and students have all caught the disease in a downward spiral of dabbing. “Students have been dabbing towards me left and right. The nurses are trying to cover up the fact that they caught the disease. Even teachers are dabbing by urge of the stu-

[

maypril 2016

dents. The only reason I haven’t dabbed yet is because my disorder prevents it,” seventh grader John Chalmers said. The virus targets the younger population and they infect the adults, however the virus will infect adults when given the chance. Students and chil-

dren will urge adults to dab until they give in. “Dabbing has made slow progress infecting adults, but instead of infecting adults directly will use children as carriers of the pathogen,” Driscoll said.” Children will use peer pressure against the adults until they give in.”

Nobody known is immune to the disorder and efforts to find a cure are failing. Already, countries are falling into anarchy due to lack of leadership. “The leaders of the world have caught the disease and without a leader, countries are falling apart,” Mobama said.

Attollo Brachium Disorder (DAB) has been diagnosed in 42 million teens in the US since January 2016. Carolina Kitties QB Campbell Newton has been linked to the virus outbreak. PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY C. BAKER

spotlight

]

ARIANA STEPHENS The latest teen craze is the wellknown dance called the dab. The dab has been around for a while, but it just recently became famous because of the hit song “Lean and Dabb” by the American rapper iHeartMemphis. At first, the dab was just a move that people did for fun, but now it is becoming a health concern. Scientists are beginning to wonder if this craze is actually detrimental to the health of teens and young adults. Evidence shows that dabbing can lead to many health risks. “I’ve already had eight students come to me with neck or shoulder injuries,” nurse Betty Black said. “Some had whiplash and others had dislocated shoulders, all from a ‘harmless’ dance.” Neck and shoulder injuries, however are not the only risks of doing this catchy, yet seemingly dangerous, dance. “The biggest hazard of the dab, in my opinion, is a concussion,” scientist Arry Ballen said. “Concussions are becoming more and more common as the dab is becoming more intense.” Several cases have been reported of people developing dab withdrawal, which occurs when a person is addicted to dabbing and cannot function without doing the contagious dance. “I consider withdrawal is the most dangerous side effect of dabbing,” counselor Rosy Jean said. “It can lead to depression, or it can just make people go plain crazy.” Dabbing is not just dangerous for the people doing it, but also for those closest to the dabbers, literally.

“I was in my Math class and I found that I got a B+ on my test. That’s my highest score yet,” seventh grader Jerry Mathews said. “I was so excited I dabbed and accidently punched by friend in the nose.” A condition called ‘D.A.B. joint’, or Detrimental Acrobatic Bone, has become more common with the dab craze going around.

D.A.B. Joint is a condition that occurs when the arm, forearm and hand muscles are over used. Black noted that the number of people diagnosed with D.A.B. Joint has skyrocketed in 2016. “I’ve been a nurse for almost 25 years and throughout my career I’ve treated about 400 people with tennis elbow.” Black estimated. “That’s

about 20 a year, but this year I have treated triple that number.” With all of the injuries occurring, MBMS officials are doing everything possible to prevent this contagious dance from spreading. “This dabbing epidemic is out of control,” Principal Brown said. “Just because you see it on TV, doesn’t mean you have to try it, people!”

Dabbing risks include not only sickness, but also physically harming others. PHOTO BY A. STEPHENS

[

spotlight

volume VI, issue 5

]

PHOTOS BY C. HEILBORN

[

maypril 2016

spotlight

]

CHLOE KNOX All generations of people today are using technology. Infants and toddlers spend time on tablets. Many students have their own tablet or laptop at school. Teenagers have smartphones. Adults have smartphones. The elderly are using smartphones. People are addicted to technology. A recent study has come to support the label this phone has, “smart.” Sigillologist Dr. Frank Driscoll has studied smartphones since the early 2000’s. He has stumbled upon some atrocious results. Infants and toddlers who spent time on tablets were mentally developing faster than those who played with toys, and unplugged. “My daughter, Charlotte, is 742 days old. She has her own Instagram account, and she posts regularly. She spends time on Netflix as well. She’s currently on her fifth season of my

favorite court show,” mother Kelsie Richards said. “Even though she’s only two, she’s already has clear speech and is potty trained. She’s been using her tablet since birth.” Dr. Driscoll, flabbergasted by the outcome of young children using tablets, decided to research the effects of smartphone usage on middle school, high school, and college students. Dr. Driscoll conducted a new survey. He gathered five failing students from a local middle school. He sat down with them, and told them their mission: spend as much time as they could on their smartphones. But, there was a catch. Only the athletic students caught it though. Dr. Driscoll also gave the five smartest students with the best grades, a mission. They weren’t allowed to use their smartphones at all. There was no catch for these students. They were too busy with their education to play

any sports. The high school and college participants did the same thing. The experiment lasted over two months, and this time, Dr. Driscoll was expectant of the results. “At the beginning of all this, I had a GPA of 4.0. Now? It’s a 3.3,” college student Emily Deke said. Every student that had low grades, saw their grades improve after using smart phones around the clock. Students who had high grades, witnessed many brain farts, multiple times a day, and watched as their grades plummeted. “Why do we need teachers? Just being on my phone made me a lot smarter,” sixth grader Jake Cole said. Not only did grades improve when time was spent on smartphones, but so did test scores. The smartphone users averages a score 1261 on the SAT, and the non-users scored 987,

Dr. Driscoll and his gineau pigs are going around, spreading words about this discovery. “My hope for the future is that people of all ages and intelligence levels are just so caught up in their phones that their grades improve too,” Dr. Driscoll said. “The world needs more geniuses like me.” Smartphones are now being sold at rapid paces, buyers hoping to gain smarts. “I always thought smartphones were ‘smart’ because they were made by smart people, or they were just unbelievable products,” high school junior Chris Lee said. “But now I know it’s ‘smart’ because it actually makes you smart. Who knew!?”

PHOTO COURTESY OF PNGPIX.COM

[

spotlight

volume VI, issue 5

]

ALEXUS JACOBS

Instagram by Burbn, Inc. Instagram is at the top of the list, with 150 million active users. Students especially with the app have shown more success in their academics than those without it. Instagramers have brains that are capable of learning anything, since many of the people with Instagram are great at taking selfies, an amazingly difficult skill to possess. Studies have shown that people who are great selfie-takers are usually ones whom have higher grades although some take selfies in the middle of class.

Snapchat by Snapchat Inc. Snapchat currently has two billion videos and pictures uploaded on its site. Snapchat has various filters and services which would be great in school. One of the most popular fillers on the app is face swapping, a feature that could teach students the fine art of proportions, as pictures

made

with the face swapping filter aren’t proportional at all. Art teachers, especially, would love the app for its capability to make a creative picture out of a boring one.

Color Switch by Qviky Color Switch receives 50,000,000 downloads from around the world. The “number one addictive game of the year” has material that one would have learned in elementary school, such as patterns and colors. Color Switch also is about timing as the ball must pass though the same colored section at the right time. Middle-school students who don’t know their colors or patterns could use this game as review and a practice of time management for the real world.

“Snapchat helped me learn that you can have a lot of filters on your face.” ESTEPHANY SILVA

eighth grade

Stack by Ketch app Stack is a skill game that has 10 million downloads. The game requires great focus, as if your mind lacks in the skill, even for a millisecond, the game is over. Stack can be a great mind trainer, especially in school. For those who begin to daydream in class, stack can train them to stay concentrated all day long. They could even play the game during class, while the teacher’s talking, to build their onetrack mind.

“Photo Math shows you the steps to solve math problems.” RAQUEL CARION

seventh grade

“On Instagram, I can socialize with others.”

RACHEL HALL

ULISES DOS SANTOS

[

maypril 2016

spotlight

sixth grade

]

CAM B AKER Seventh grader John Chalmers is currently running for president in Rozebek’nstockinshastornia, alongside Bertie Sanderz, Heckle Clantin, Dernald Tormp, and Red Cruise. Rozebek’nstockinshastornia, a foreign country off the west coast of Norway, has recently received recognition and autonomy after freeing itself from the Mooselandian Empire. The country has many residents suffering from Zelweger-Kreutzfeldt-YakobGlooming Syndrome, so Chalmers saw his chance and took his horse discrimination

campaign abroad, until he decided that running for president would be better. “Rozebek’nstockinshastornia has no minimum age for presidential candidates,” Chalmers said. “You see, I had to take this chance. I simply couldn’t pass up this glorious opportunity to become a future president.” Chalmers currently has 10,007 pledged delegates and 400 super delegates, putting him just ahead of Dernald Tormp with 10,006 pledged delegates and 399 super delegates. “I respect the kid, I really do,” Tormp said. “I hate his ways, though. I can’t have some teenaged horse rights activist pass-

ing me up in this race. It’s ridiculous, he’s a child, and he can’t even see straight.” Chalmers, like Sanderz and Clantin, is dormacortic. He is a major advocator and optimist for equal rights, no matter your race, gender expression, sexuality, religion, or if you have the ZKYGS. “Despite the pessimistic views of my reporplican competitors Tormp and Cruise, I feel as if everyone should have the same rights as others,” Chalmers said. “I honestly do not know why we have the need to vote on whether an individual should get rights or not. It’s simply ridiculous.”

John Chalmers hosts his April rally. So far, there are over 9,000 people in the stadium. PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY C. BAKER

[

politics

volume VI, issue 5

]

Sanderz said. “Once I found out that a 13year-old unicorn-human hybrid thing was running too, I had to step in on his side.” Heckle Clantin has also shown her support for Chalmers, claiming that she had similar dreams when she was his age. Though Clantin and Sanderz have exhibited their backing to Chalmers, Cruise and Tormp think otherwise. “I really think that John would make a horrible president,” Cruise said. “His actions and campaign strategies are all over the map.” Chalmers, though 13 years old and struck with a mutated ZKYGS, his life has changed

for the better now that he’s overcome his differences and decided to change the world, one insignificant country at a time. “I honestly believe that I can pull this off,” Chalmers said. “Once I’m president, nothing stands in my way for being a prime example for other young sufferers of ZelwegerKreutzfeldt-YakobGlooming Syndrome.”

PHOTO ILUSTRATION BY T. HOLDEN

Sanderz, although directly behind Chalmers in the dormacortic race, has the utmost reverence for the unicorn-headed boy, stating that he definitely doesn’t waste time in his rallies and is levelheaded for his age. One rally that Chalmers hosted featured his beloved sister, Jane Chalmers, and his cousins, Josef and Kayla Pferdkopf, were present and featured. This rally was held on April 16 at 5 p.m., Rozebek’nstockinshastornia time. “The rally was great,” Jane said, “Kayla, Josef, and I were the main attractions I guess you could say. He used us as examples for his Horse Rights campaign. Say ‘Neigh’ to Horse Discrimination, I guess.” The rally in question boosted John’s pledged delegates from 200 to 10,000, and he gained 7 from Cruise after the reporplican candidate claimed that “horse rights don’t matter to this economy.” Sanderz has been a supporter of Chalmers’ campaign, especially since Chalmers is 90 years younger. “I’ve wanted to be president in this country since I first heard of it in 1910,”

“I would vote for him because he’s smart. I have very low patience for stupidity.”

“GRRAAUAUUUGGGHHHHGU UGHHG, GRRAUAUGHHHG HRGHUUGHH.”

“Definitely no. He’s all about horse rights and doesn’t pay attention to us candies.”

KEVIN MALONE

CHEWBACCA

THE BROWN M & M

eighth grade

[

maypril 2016

seventh grade

politics

sixth grade

]

PHOTOS COURTESY OF CORUSCENT PHOTOGRAPHY

CAM BAKER

NICK MILLER & DONG NUGUYEN

SHIA LABE-OUF

JUSTIN BAEBER

Shia Labe-Ouf is a popular actor and artist. He has been casted on a nickelodeon show Even Stevens. He has also starred in movies such as Transformers and Transformers: The Dark Side of the Moon, with co-actor and producer Pink Floid. But his biggest achievement was being the main charter in the Nickelodeon original movie Frozen, starring as Esla, the Fire Queen. Shia also released a video on UTube called Just Don’t Do It, acquiring millions of views and thousands of memes. But why would this popular actor make a terrible president? For one, he is not a politician and has never been involved with politics. Wow, sounds like our friend here Donald Drumpf. But this is not the only reason. Shia Labe-Ouf has also had some legal issues. He has been arrested for driving into his neighbor’s car and holding him hostage, threatening to shoot him with a fully loaded water-gun. Overall, Shia would make a terrible president.

Justin Baeber is a very popular Canadian singer and songwriter. He has produced songs such as “Let it Go” and “Hello”. Justin started his singing career in 2007 on UTube, doing cover songs from albums that he doesn’t own. From there, he went on to write many songs and preform many concerts. He had many fans and many haters. In January 2010, Justin released one of his most popular albums with one of his most popular songs, “Baby”. So you may be thinking, ”Why would this Canadian song writer be a terrible president?” But there are many reasons for this. For one, he was born in Canada. You have to be born in the United States to become president. Second, he is not old enough to become president. You have to be 35 years old. Last, he has had many Legal issues. For example, Justin has been arrested for driving under the influence of drugs and alcohol. This is why Justin would be a terrible president.

PHOTO ILLUSTRATIONS BY N. MILLER & D. NGUYEN

[

politics

volume VI, issue 5

]

Possibly running the most powerful country in the world, here’s a list of four celebrities that would make the greatest presidents. With big responsibility and lack of leadership, their intelligence and strength to control the nation will be an improvement over the current front runners.

KANYE EAST

MLOYD FAYWEATHER

Kayne East, with $53 million in debt and love of paparazzi, announced that he will be running for president in the year 2020, but we can’t wait. East in my personal opinion would be the best president out of the four in the list, because he is already the best rapper in the world, according to himself. “When I become president I will increase taxes so I could pay off my $53 million dollars in debt,” East said. East says that he will retire making music in the year 2020 to run for president. “I will do this every four years until I die,” East said. “I want to be known as the best president the United States have ever had.” East will have the biggest smile he had in a while when he becomes president. “It’s okay if he doesn’t become president in the year 2020,” a fan said. “He can run again next time. Plus he is never grumpy, so don’t worry about it.”

For Mloyd Fayweather, like Donald Drumpf money comes first. He is known for being a boxer and winning the fight of the century. He spends his money well after he won the fight of the century and has donated many to charity, Fayweather never uses money for his own happiness, and instead he uses them to help others in Africa. “I will pay people to vote me,” Fayweather said. Fayweather also said that he will win 100% in his first year of trying out to be President. “I will run in the same year as East so I would get all the attention and all the fame,” Fayweather said. “If Fayweather becomes president no one needs to worry about our economy anymore because he’s got a lot of money,” a supporter of Fayweather said.

[

maypril 2016

politics

]

JOSH ABBOT & AARON BALDRIDGE

Tatoh quickly radioed them and asked what they were doing. “They said they were trying to see how the Indominus It was a late Monday afternoon on the wonder-filled Isla Nublar, where security guard Poe Tatoh worked for escaped,” said Tatoh. “I would’ve told them it was still in there but I had some food in my mouth.” the next three years on the island in order to pursue The mistake resulted in the death of two of his cohis dreams of becoming a professional magician in the workers and the escape of the Indominus Rex. near future. Once the I-rex escaped, the park had to close off Thinking not much of it he accepted the job as a startabout one fourth of the park and was forced to send ing point. troopers armed with only taser guns to hunt down the Tatoh was sitting watch- killer. “I hated this job. I hated it even more when I found out ing security I had to chase a mutant killer with only a taser on a footage of the Indominus stick,” park trooper John Chalmers Sr said. “When the Rex cage when tasers proved ineffective and I watched all of my squad get eaten alive. After that we called in a helicopter with he saw three figures enter- a rookie gunner who missed every shot. The helicopter crashed into the pterodactyl pit and they flew towards ing the cage and proceeded the stores.” Tatoh recalled the horror of the rampaging animal. to walk around. “It was terrifying… for the people getting turned into kabobs.” said Tatoh. “After they were all dead, cameras caught some lady stealing a park van and putting two kids in the back while people were putting headgear or something on three velociraptors.” Dinosaur trainer Owen Grady recounted the ordeal.

Several messages were sent out from tourists via Twitter, explaining their ordeal. Some were gratified by the calamity on Isla Nublar. PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY A. BALDRIDGE

“Long story short the raptors turned against us, blue turned back, Claire played tag with a T-rex while wearing heels and the mosasaur ended up with a full stomach,” Grady claimed. This was the fourth accident since 1993 at dinosaur parks, but it was by far the worst suffering 21 deaths. *Crunch* “Well, make that 22 deaths since your rookie just walked over to the mosasaurs,” Grady said. The park mosasaur was known for his appetite. “This was for sure the worst breakout. About 72 dinosaurs died,” park representative Mordecai Abbott sobbed. “I loved them all.”

PHOTO COURTESY OF MANUSAURIO.DEVIANTART.COM

JOSH ABBOT & AARON BALDRIDGE

the park a chance? You will! What a treat!

Are you tired of sitting around in your boring non dinosaur infested neighborhood? Yes? NO! What’s wrong with you! I’m sorry, man, will you just give

Before leaving for a relaxing and 100 percent safe trip to Jurassic World you must know what to pack. For women, they will need a

pair of high heels in case you need to run from a genetically engineered dinosaur, but that will never happen. You should also pack a white skirt that never gets dirty. And finally, you simply can’t go to the park without flares in case you want to play a game of tag with a T-Rex. For the men, don’t bother bringing any sort of weapon whether it be a concealed

sidearm or even a Taser in case you fall into a pit of hungry dinosaurs. Oh, and you might want to bring a magic wrench so you can fix any car you want even if it would be impossible with regular tools. We hope to see you on our magical island! PHOTO COURTESY OF CLIPARTIST.NET

[

arts & entertainment

volume VI, issue 5

]

HOW TO SURVIVE AN AVENGERS

PHOTO COURTESY OF COMICBOOKMOVIE.COM

ANNA MORISAWA

This is a government (unspecified)-issued document. All rights reserved. This document was issued due to the concern of the Avengers partaking in a civil war between themselves, and details how citizens should protect themselves. STEP ONE: When in a car chase involving several of the Avengers, keep

calm and pull over to the side of the road. Chances are, you won’t get hit or caught up in the action...if you’re quick enough. If, for some reason, you find a Black Panther perched on the back of your car, simply continue driving forward. Who doesn’t want to be in a car chase with the legendary Black Panther? STEP TWO: Do not go to any snowy regions near you, as this is prime fighting ground for Captain America and Iron Man. If you find yourself innocently hiking in one of these plac-

es and you get caught amidst the fighting, just duck when necessary to avoid particle beams or potential flying shields that defy physics.

tion system, in fact, just cut off the entire air supply to your house (if at all possible)! However, keep the shutters wide open so you can view the action from afar.

STEP THREE: If you are caught in web fluid from Spiderman, some handy cat litter mixed in with mutated toad liver should be enough to free you from the web. If you don’t have that on hand, boiling magma works as an excellent second choice.

STEP FIVE: On the off chance that you will spot one, if you see an angry man wielding a bow (or some other pointy object) running towards you, the best course of action would be to sprint as fast as you can to the nearest sibling and volunteer them as tribute. It works every time!

STEP FOUR: If you are in your dwelling, lock your windows, doors, ventila-

The Canine Chronicle Staff Debates Pop Culture Trends CAMDEN HEILBORN & SIARAH BROWN

Summer is Coming

Dress Code

Summer is only a couple short months away. Kids are getting frisky and disrupting class. With testing in process, students are even more excited for summer. Do you want winter to come?

Since the weather is getting warmer, clothes are getting shorter. More and more students are getting caught breaking the dress code. Do you think the dress is white and gold?

Lit

Testing

People use the term “Lit.” It means having a good time being awesome or amazing. Some teens think it’s weird, others think the opposite. Do you use the slang word “swag” still?

Testing this year has started, and kids are getting stressed. Testing on the computers might be beneficial, but students still are just waiting for it to be over. Do you think testing is fun?

Captain America: Civil War

Captain America: Civil War released last week in theaters. The movie got great reviews and received 4-4.5 stars. Critics said the movie was “the greatest superhero trilogy of all time.” Do you like broccoli?

[

maypril 2016

arts & entertainment

Headphones This year the administrators decided to let students have their phones at lunch. But headphones are not allowed in case of an emergency. Do you think iPhone are better than Androids? *

]

DEREK WIRACHOWSKY & CAM BAKER

TOY STORY (OF TERROR)

Disney’s Zootopia tells a tale set in a city of mammals of the first rabbit to join the police force. Judy Hopps, the rabbit officer, attempts to crack a case to prove herself to the other officers. In the case she is forced to partner up with a fox by the name of Nick Wilde. In the case, Wilde discovers his true animal instincts and begins hunting officer Hopps. In the run for survival she meets numerous mammals and discovers how savage life can be in the booming metropolis.

The movie ‘Toy Story of Terror’ has stirred up emotions amongst all its viewers. The movie begins in a small community of living toys that reside in the toy box of a small child. All is well until an old-fashioned cowboy, the child’s favorite toy, is replaced with a new space ranger. The cowboy, now forgotten, has vowed his vengeance against the ranger. In a desperate attempt to silence the ranger, the cowboy pushes him out of the two-story house. From there the cowboy hunts down the damaged space ranger to a house haunted by slaughtered toys. It’s there that the cowboy kills the ranger, in a gory battle of life-and-death. The sheer terror of this tale of rivalry and revenge curls the toes.

Arthur Kipps is a lawyer who’s been mourning the death of his beloved wife. His son is his only refuge from his depression- that is, until he moves his residence to a remote village. He takes his things to a large mansion in the marshlands, only to discover it’s haunted by a ghost with a sense of humor. Prepare to scream with laughter as the ghost woman creeps up behind Arthur in windows and hallways to startle him. You’ll be howling when she screeches like a pig to cheer Arthur up and highfives him with icy handprints on windows.

Ellison Oswald is a writer of true crimes. His last bestseller was 10 years ago, and he’s been searching for a new hit. He, his wife Tracy, and his two kids move into the house of the victims for his new book to get some inspiration going, but he never suspected to fight with his wife over the move. Their relationship is on the rocks, so the ghosts of the people in the old house try to save his marriage by getting them to move back to their old house. You’ll laugh as the spirits run around the house, scaring poor Ellison and his kids to the brink of insanity, and cry when Ellison and Tracy eventually fall to emotional pieces because their daughter convinced them to reconcile.

PHOTO COURTESY OF FANBOY.COM

[

arts & entertainment

volume VI, issue 5

]

TESTING Horoscopes CHLOE KNOX Aries (March 21 – April 19): Every student needs earbuds to test with. There’s always going to be that one kid who has their volume loud enough for you to hear. Don’t let them win, make your volume louder.

G N A Y V B H H M R P V N L M W N R S G

DAB Snapchat Dunk Bam Running Man Pride Stick Maypril Jurassic World Ghosts Election Seahorses Quidditch

F R F S T Q P T G R E F G V S J U E E L

S Y K K J J T J N S D S G C J J S L K I

L Z U K R X C M D I J R U M M G A B Y C

E U I Q T M F G J Z O V D O G Y G I S N

T M I B Z Z C U F S X X Z N A O E L X F

S B J G Y W U A W A D Z Q R H L S L R O

X J E O I G S L S D U W T K H O M U B B

K X H N T G I R B T D E G Y B N S G P U

K R F N J K Z R Y G B G E S R T P W N G

V F S B Y K Q U Q Z B Q M L R I M Y O J

M D L X J I D Z S V N B I A X Q D H Y C

K Y Y F A A O W K A N E T Q Z X J C O S

M P I P X C O N F U S E D E O D O S V P

Q M J M N C D X H K D H E E U A L C L Y

D H V V F X U E P X Y M T G B O A U L P

A X C G Y A P U T T H I S D O W N E X T

Y V U I B O U Z Y F D X A F J N Q L L F

L P H W R A J N O A A N W U F O V J V J

L Q I E Z Q S G K N D D B Y S F R M S Y

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Testing for a whole hour everyday can be very stressful. It’s not like you’ve done it before. Sit down and relax every night. Watch that movie, eat that cake. You only have 23 free hours of the day. Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Those new skinny jeans you bought that squeeze your legs beyond control, don’t need to be worn urgently. Not only will you be a distraction to those around you because you look so funny, but you’ll distract yourself, by picking at your skin-tight jeans all period. Cancer (June 21 – July 22): If you have early morning testing, make sure you have a really nutritious breakfast, lots of donuts and candy. If you have afternoon testing, have lots of sugar for lunch. Leo (July 23 – Aug .22): When you’re done testing, but your class isn’t, you can get a little bored. Why not have a little fun? Stare at random classmates, until they notice you. But don’t stop there, don’t break that eye contact. Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): If you eat some sort of snack while you test, make sure to chew with your mouth closed. No one likes a llama. Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): You know when you’re in the middle of an important test, and your brain just starts singing you a song? Why not sing that song aloud? You’ll get a lot of odd looks, but who cares? Now the whole class can have that song stuck in their head! Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): There’s no use in being uncomfortable while testing. Just wear the sweats you wore to bed last night. People will get used to seeing you in sweats, so when you wear jeans again, you’ll have plenty of people sliding right on into your DM’s. Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Many kids get anxious prior to, or while testing. Please don’t resort to biting your nails, you want to have some fingernails left by the end of all this. Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): All the clicking of keys on the keyboard can me really annoying. Don’t get ahead of yourself, you’re probably just as annoying. Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Stop thinking about the cute girl in first period, or the hot guy from the store. Obviously, they’re very important, but save them for later. It’s just an hour. You can text them all night. Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20): Testing can be very stressful. What are you supposed to do if your teacher won’t let you bring gum? Just start picking at some gum underneath the table. Before you know it, there’s the gum you weren’t allowed to bring.

[

maypril 2016

opinion

]