Online Portfolio - "Journey" - Kelsi Perkins

Journey A Message from the Author

Coming Out of the Closet ‌ Through Song

My Journey to Quitting The Life of a Smoker

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Cover Page Table of Contents A Message from the Author Part 1 A Message from the Author Part 2 COVERGIRL Advertisement Substantial Revision Part 1 Substantial Revision Part 2 Substantial Revision Part 3 “Howard’s Tale” Song Lyrics Starbucks Advertisement Genre Change Part 1 Genre Change Part 2 Genre Change Part 3 Genre Change Part 4 Genre Change Part 5 Toothpaste Advertisement Reading Response 2 Reading Response 5 Reading Response 3

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A Message from the Author There is always room for improvement as a writer.

Everything can always be revised: an error corrected, a sentence reworded, or an idea recreated. Creativity is always evolving and opinions are always changing, creating more opportunities to improve previous work.

I have many strengths, as well as weaknesses, when it comes to my writing ability. I have always had trouble with brainstorming and creativity, making it difficult to begin a paper or project, due to the lack of idea on what it will be about.

Because of this default of mine, I now try to spend more time brainstorming, and often look for advice from my peers. I always pride myself with my knowledge of how to use proper grammar, which is not as common as it should be. I have always had a problem with procrastinating my work. I tend to feel overwhelmed easily with assignments, and put off until it is almost too late. I have been trying very hard lately to completely get rid of this weakness, and I have been attempting to start larger assignments earlier than I usually would to get them done, and done right. I am also, occasionally, a perfectionist with my work. I see this as being both a strength and weakness.

Combined with procrastinating, perfectionism can be a recipe for disaster. On its own, I am left with much higher quality work than what I am used to. Writing about the many topics we had for our assignments over this past semester has taught me a lot.

I have become more aware of my readers, how to keep a consistent style of writing, and how different genres are effective in different ways.

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The essay I chose for my genre change was my ethnography piece. Originally, for the ethnography, the goal was to study a subculture of our choosing. I chose to study the subculture of undergraduate smokers at the University at Buffalo campus. It was an interesting experience, but I knew this would make for the best piece for the genre change. Putting the smoking subculture into a completely different context, such as a short story, could be entertaining and informative if done right. As a short story, I chose to inform the reader about the subculture of smokers through one protagonist character, as she attempts to quit smoking. In this short story, I threw in a dramatic back story of abuse to create more interest and possible personal connection in the readers.

My substantial revision piece was done on my rhetorical analysis paper. For my original rhetorical analysis paper, I analyzed the lyrics to a song that led to a story of abuse throughout a single person’s life, and how they personally dealt with it. I chose this piece for my substantial revision after I thought of an idea for it.

Instead of analyzing the lyrics in the way that I did originally, about abuse, I would start over with a clean slate. I took the lyrics in a completely different way. This time around, I have shown the lyrics as proving the struggles of one man coming out of the closet and accepting his homosexuality. I also organized this piece differently than the original. I first made my points towards my main argument to prove my thesis, and then plugged in the lyrics and my analysis of them from the song as support.

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Coming Out of the Closet … Through Song Homosexuality is something our American culture has not fully accepted. Those who go through the process of coming out of the closet experience being isolated from those who once accepted them. Before the 1970s, homosexuality was even considered a psychological disease. After that was changed, it has been a slow process of people accepting the differences in others.

The lyrics from the song “Howard’s Tale” by the band Sick Puppies can be interpreted as the story of a young man and his journey through realizing his homosexual feelings and coming out of the closet. Throughout this story, the protagonist goes through feelings of confusion, denial, unacceptance and more. Straying from any cultural norm can be a difficult thing for anyone, especially when it comes to who you are attracted to.

Having feelings other than what you feel you are “supposed” to have can be both scary and confusing. In the lyrics, “Confused … this feeling won’t go away,” it starts to describe the protagonist’s feelings of confusion. He describes his feelings of homosexuality as not going away, as though it is something that he cannot control feeling like in his life. “He’s still playing with the past,” is also a lyrical line that describes the man’s confusion. It shows that he is always thinking about his feelings, from the present and the past. By “playing” he means wondering why he feels the way he does. He wonders why it had to be him to feel like this, and go through these feelings. Through these lyrics, you can see his wonder as to what it all means.

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After realizing his newfound homosexuality, this man goes into denial about his feelings. Denial is a common stage to go through for those who are homosexual when they first begin to realize it. Feeling as though they will not be accepted by others, they attempt to act within the cultural norms of being heterosexual in order to fit in with others. The line, “I waited for mum to comfort me, but when I opened my mouth, ‘Don’t say nothing, shh,’” says a tremendous amount about the journey to denial of this man.

These specific lyrics tell a story of attempting to come out of the closet to his mother after realizing his feelings. He opened up to his mother about a very sensitive topic, and he was shut down by her. He trusted her to be accepting of him, and she was not. Telling him not to tell anyone else about his “unusual” feelings of attraction to the same sex, it contributes to pushing this man into denial of his true feelings. The lyrics, “It’s kind of funny how a mind can keep living in denial,” are pretty self-explanatory. This man pushes himself into denial, refusing to accept himself for who he truly is as a homosexual. “All he’s ever seen is living in between the lies,” shows that he lived through his denial through an extended period of him, saying that he lived through the lies of his denial. Because he was denying his sexuality, he was living a lie. There is a line in the song in which he repeats the words, “I won’t say,” about six times in a row. This represents his repetitive reasoning with himself to be someone that he is not. He refuses to talk about his feelings to others; both denying them and being afraid of their rejection.

These lyrics are a prime example of our culture not being accepting of homosexuality. This man refuses to say anything about what he feels, in fear of straying against his cultural norm, making him uncomfortable with himself, his feelings, and his relationships. Living a life denying yourself from feeling what you really want can only be both miserable and heartbreaking.

Deep in denial, this man even attempts to put himself into heterosexual relationships, most likely attempting to convince himself that he is actually heterosexual. One woman in particular was mentioned in the song in the line, “The woman down the street has invited him to come inside … it didn’t feel right.” These lyrics tie down to this man’s specific heterosexual relationship with a woman, despite his true homosexual feelings. By inviting him to “come inside”, this woman was inviting him into a sexual relationship, meaning to “come inside” her. Saying that it didn’t feel right shows that he attempted to have the sexual relationship offered to him by this woman. He tried to fit in and be heterosexual, but the feelings were completely wrong to him. All this man ever wanted to be was himself, but there was so much holding him back.

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Confusion and denial are not the only problems faced by the man from these lyrics, but also unacceptance. This unacceptance can be from his mother, the woman from the lyrics, society (or cultural norms), or anyone in general. As previously stated, his mother tells him not to say anything else about his feelings after he opens up to her, contributing to pushing him into denial about them. Not being accepted by your own mother, because of something that you can’t help but feel, is unimaginable. A mother is seen as a figure who is meant to love, want and accept all of her children. When his mother denies him acceptance, to him it would feel as though she is denying him being loved and wanted by her as well. This kind of thing would make him believe that if his own mother would not accept him for who he is, than there is no one out there that would. “Unlike you, this feeling won’t go away,” refers back to the man’s mother. Although his feelings of homosexuality will never leave him alone, his mother has emotionally left him. Their mother-son relationship changes for the worst when she doesn’t accept her son. This causes them to distance, as though she is leaving him emotionally.

Throughout this entire song, it is clear that this man has had a difficult time coming to terms with his feelings and accepting himself for who he is. After the song first mentions the woman this man attempts to have a relationship with, it says, “It’ll be the last time he tries.” This is a very important step for him, as it is one of the first signs that he is finally beginning to accept the way he feels. He proclaims here that he is not anymore denying his feelings towards the same sex.

He realizes that a relationship with the opposite sex is not right for him, and he will no longer follow that path. This is him taking a stand for himself, and he will not live the life of someone he isn’t just because of how other people feel about him.

These seven words are the largest moment of strength for this man. The line, “he needs closure,” can be seen here as more proof of acceptance. By this point, he is no longer in denial with his true feelings. He is no longer panicking and resisting, but slowly learning to accept and deal with the fact that he is different from most people. He’s getting there, but he is still searching for closure within himself.

The lyrics in the song “Howard’s Tale” by Sick Puppies tells the story of a man as he realizes homosexual feelings and comes out of the closet. The lyrics tell this man’s journey as he experiences confusion, denial, unacceptance, and coming to terms with himself. Many of his feelings of denial and unacceptance came from society and the fact that he was straying from its cultural norms. Since the 1970s, homosexuality has been becoming more accepted over the years.

Hopefully in the near future, the internal struggles of “coming out of the closet” will become as easy as saying “I love you.”

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“Howard’s Tale” - Sick Puppies Age five, just a little boy shy Is he ready for the big surprise He'll be playing Lego in a dream When the shadows come to life

Age nine and he should've been fine With a secret he's sure to keep Two times had to tell a little lie For the sake of him and me

Now it's over I need closure

Hey, look what you did to me When you were taking me home Getting me stoned Leave me alone I waited for mum to comfort me But when I opened my mouth "Don't say nothing, shh"

Age twelve and it isn't going well Now it's 3 years to the day

Confused, but unlike you This feeling won't go away

Sixteen and the woman down the street Has invited him to come inside The first time, it didn't feel right It'll be the last time he tries

Hey, look what you did to me When you were taking me home Getting me stoned Leave me alone I waited for mum to comfort me But when I opened my mouth Don't say nothing's wrong I won't say nothing's wrong

I won't say, I won't say I won't say, I won't say I won't say, I won't say

Seventeen, all he's ever seen

Is living in between the lies It's kind of funny how a mind Can keep living in denial

Eighteen is a very strange scene He's still playing with the past Expelled, maybe someone could've helped If someone had known to ask

Hey, look what you did to me When you were taking me home Getting me stoned Leave me alone I waited for mum to comfort me But when I opened my mouth "Don't say nothing, shh"

Nineteen and he's innocently Parked right beside a school He stares at a boy sitting there And the boy stares at him too He walks over He needs closure

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My Journey to Quitting The Life of a Smoker

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Jenna has always been an innocent and reserved little girl; very opinionated, but not very outspoken about it. With her long dirty-blonde hair, big green eyes, and small feminine body, Jenna found herself attracting unwanted attention from the opposite sex more often than others. Throughout High School, she always fell for the stories and lies that she was told. She was always so trusting of others, and some people would tell her anything to get what they wanted. One of these boys went too far with her, and Jenna had found herself stuck in a physically abusive relationship with a boy named Mark. Hardship upon hardship, Jenna had finally worked up the courage to leave this boy, and start a new life for herself when she left for her freshman year of college at the University at Buffalo.

After the break up, Jenna had the whole summer to wait to move to her new home at college.

During that summer, she found that she had changed tremendously as a result of her last relationship. She had become irritable, paranoid, untrusting and anxious. She thought nothing of these changes in herself, until she had her first panic attack. Jenna was having a day out with her friends at the mall, when she saw her abusive ex-boyfriend pass by her with his own group of friends. Jenna became terrified. She felt as though no matter where she was in her hometown, he could find her and hurt her again. She felt her heart start to beat uncontrollably, and her mind start to race. As though her surroundings were about to close in around her, Jenna felt claustrophobic and had to rush to the nearest exit to get a breath of fresh air.

Having her first panic attack, along with seeing her exboyfriend, was a terrifying experience for Jenna. Her friends wanted to be there for her, and attempted to calm her down. Failing at making any change in Jenna’s current state, one of her friends pulled something out of his pocket that would prove itself to be more of an inconvenience than a help: a cigarette. Still panicking and not thinking clearly, Jenna took a drag. Finally, she started to calm down and put herself together as she finished the whole cigarette. From that day on, she was addicted. Because of the circumstances on how she started smoking, Jenna believed that the only thing that would stop another panic attack was another cigarette. It was a twisted belief that kept her smoking every day without regrets.

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It’s an average sunny Friday morning. Now more than halfway into the first semester, the weather was starting to get cooler around campus. I grudgingly shut off my 8:30 AM alarm as I begin my morning routine for the day. A long, hot shower wakes me up, followed by brushing my teeth, styling my hair, doing my make-up, etcetera. I’m ready for the day by 9:45 AM; rushing to the downstairs dining hall for a quick breakfast after realizing I have the spare time. Because I usually skip breakfast, I only grab a bowl of mixed fruit and a warm cup of coffee to keep me going for the day. I make sure to have enough time to go out for my morning smoke before having to leave for the bus at 10:30 AM for my 11:00 AM class. I text a couple of my smoking buddies I met earlier in the year, Dave and Emma, to meet me outside for a smoke before I have to leave for class.

Dave: “Hey, Emma; you got a bogie? I’m all out until I get paid tomorrow.”

Emma: “You okay with roll-ups? I’m on a tight budget so I’ve just been rolling them up myself in my room.”

Dave: “Yeah that’s fine, thanks.”

We all smoked together in mostly silence, it was too early for me to be talkative.

I’ve noticed Dave and Emma have started to kindle into a relationship. I rarely talk to them outside of our smoke breaks, but it’s impossible not to notice the way they flirt together. It’s been a while since I’ve been flirty like that with someone. I always end up pushing them away, because of what Mark did to me. I couldn’t handle something like that happening again. I can’t afford to trust someone again, only for my trust to be broken. I start to feel anxious, and shake away the feeling as I take another big drag of my cigarette. Once I had enough of my cig, I tossed it on the ground and stomped on it before I ran inside to quickly put on some body spray to hopefully mask the smell of smoke. I know I smoke and everything, but I just can’t stand smelling like it.

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My first lecture was a breeze. I was more awake by the time I got there, and took very explicit notes. I had an hour to spare until I had my second lecture, so I decided to grab some lunch with some girls from my hall. Neither of them smoke, so I felt it would be rude if I left early to smoke, or if I smoked in front of them. About halfway into my second lecture class, I started to crave another smoke. It was harder for me to focus, and my notes were all over the place. I got irritable and impatient, and I flew out the door when our class was let out. It wasn’t my usual smoking time, so I just walked around campus for a bit while I had my cigarette. It was pretty relaxing, but I hated all the dirty looks I got from the other students judging me for smoking on campus. All the staring started making me feel so self-conscious. I even felt a little dirty.

I’ve been feeling a little down in the dumps lately, so I’ve decided to make some positive changes in my life. I’ve been making healthier choices in the dining hall, like choosing fruit or salad over a desert. I’ve also decided to go to the gym before I have dinner today. I know I’m not really sure what I’m doing there, but I thought I’d give it a go on the treadmill for a while. I set the treadmill to a speed between a speed walk and a light jog. I was getting a little winded after a couple minutes and breathing heavily when another girl occupied the treadmill right next to me. She started off at a fast paced, heavier jog. After a few more minutes, I was still feeling winded while the mystery girl next to me still looked like she just got on. Feeling obligated to catch up and compete with her, I sped mine up to a speed a little faster than hers. I was able to last about 7 seconds before I nearly tripped over myself and had my lungs explode out of my chest. I gave up the treadmill and left before I embarrassed myself any further.

Completely failing at the gym today made me start to think: Was it my constant smoking that made working out so hard? Can smoking really have that much of an effect on me? Is this a bigger deal than I had originally thought? To me, smoking had always just been something to calm me down. I would see the smallest trigger to a panic attack, anything that reminded me of my ex, Mark, and I would expect the cigarette to make all the unwanted feelings and memories to go away.

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I decided to have dinner alone tonight; I have a lot on my mind to think about.

I grabbed a to-go box from the dining hall, and didn’t even pay attention to what I tossed into it from the buffet line. I brought it to my room silently and barely got to eating half of it when I started to crave another cigarette. I held off the urge until I had finished eating my dinner. I had the strangest gut feeling as I walked down the stairs and towards the door outside. I stepped my way outside, and it was dark and colder out now. I checked the clock on my phone to see it was about 8:00 PM; a little later than I thought it was. I didn’t care about my usual smoking spot tonight, or about inviting any of my smoking buddies over for some company out here in the cold. I pulled out the last cigarette in my pack: the one I turned upside-down when I first bought the pack for good luck. I lit the tip and inhaled, feeling the familiar and comforting burn down my throat and into my lungs. I held it in there for a couple seconds, before slowly exhaling the smoke out.

The exhale suddenly tasted differently. It was a strange sensation, but I swear it tasted dirty. I had suddenly realized that I have been smoking all this time because I wanted it, not because I needed it. Smoking cigarettes are no good for me, and are the opposite of what I need in my life right now.

My last panic attack was months ago, and Buffalo is so far from where Mark is. I am finally away from him. I am finally safe from him. I don’t need to smoke anymore. The panic attacks are gone, along with the fear. There’s no more reason to be afraid of him. I’m finally free from Mark. I’m finally free.

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Reading Response 2 Ursula le Guin’s “Those Who complex than we are, yet Walk Away from Omelas” was continues to exhaust the point interesting to close read. I that they are not simple people. chose to focus mainly on the Comparing the Omela people to second paragraph, “They were the average reader is a good not simple folk … none of that: strategy to have them feel it doesn’t matter.” This is a large connected to a story. Le Guin paragraph that is very describes the children as, “[not] descriptive of the Omela people naïve and happy children – and how they live. Le Guin though their children were, in describes them as very happy, fact, happy.” She explains that but not very simple people. It is these children were taught to expected for them to have a be more mature at a young age, king, “mounted on a splendid and they were intelligent and stallion and surrounded by his passionate and had high noble knights, or perhaps in a expectations from others. The golden litter borne by greatway le Guin describes the muscled slaves.” Le Guin uses Omela people makes them this line to help describe their sound almost too-good-to-bebeliefs that a king is required true; like a perfect society. The for their civilization to have a Omela people do not base their simple and happy life. Their happiness off of material king would rule over their objects; they have only what in people and lead them in the necessary and do not rely on proper direction to make their extra luxuries for their lives easier. She describes the happiness. Le Guin points out image of a perfect society, even there is much unknown about though the image of the perfect the Omela people, but their king is not the case for the abundant happiness is Omelas. Le Guin states that something very known. these people are not any less 17

Reading Response 5 For my Ad Pitch assignment, I chose to forward timeline of a farmer. This farmer advertise Doritos in a commercial. The went from having a small farm, with animals Doritos brand is very popular, selling endless and fields out in the open, and doing farm flavors of delicious potato chips. Doritos are work the old fashioned way. Then it showed the favorite chips of many, including myself! how farming has changed over the years: Some of the most creative commercial ads going from open farms to factories. They are for Doritos, and they are very popular started giving animals artificial hormones to during the Super Bowl. I watched a few ads make them grow larger to gain more profit made by Doritos, as well as a few from at their expense. They condensed spaces for other companies to help me brainstorm. the animals and created more waste to add Lay’s potato chips were one of these ads. into the earth. Although without saying This ad shows a girl sitting in a nail salon anything, when the farmer looked as though getting a manicure, when she sees across he was disappointed at the large changes in the room another woman with a bag of farming, that’s when he started to bring Lay’s potato chips. When the woman who is about the old ways again. He changed the giving her a manicure, as well as the woman factories, cages, hormones, and waste into who was eating the chips, turn away from open space, fields, healthy animals, and what they are doing, the main actress of the fresh air. This ad gives a very meaningful commercial sneaks over and steals the message to its viewers, making a movement potato chips, ruining her half-done about the quality of the products they sell. manicure by covering her nails in crumbs. It shows that they really care about their This promotes the product by showing its customers, the health of the world, and irresistibility to the actress receiving the even animal health. It gives a thoughtful manicure, showing that it is well worth message through a unique style of ruining a good manicure over. The advertising. This gave me ideas like coming background music made the potato chips up with a hidden deep meaning within my seem irresistible. There was a catch phrase product, or even sending a general message at the end of the commercial, “One Taste through animation. Although animation and You’re in Love,” also gave the Lay’s chips would be a lot more time, it would be an the irresistible sense, along with the acting. entertaining way to advertise to the The actress’ face was glowing as she viewers. enjoyed biting down on that Lay’s potato http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5vAebx chip, despite her ruined manicure. The P3sS8 effect of this commercial is that Lay’s potato http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aMfSGt chips are always delicious and irresistible, 6rHos and that they are always worth it. The second commercial I chose was the Chipotle commercial, “Back to the Start.” This commercial had a cute, homey sense to it.

In this commercial, it is all a cartoon fast

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Reading Response 3 I chose to rhetorically they finally make the analyze my favorite decision to get married. This television show, Bones. is when the serial killer Episode 24 of season 8, “The comes in; dead set on doing Secret in the Siege�, was an anything he can to make episode I knew would work sure the people from the well for my analysis. Bones is Jeffersonian team are a television series about an unhappy. He end up incredibly intelligent forensic threatening Booth, telling anthropologist, Bones, her him he must break off the partner, FBI agent Booth, engagement and tell no one, and their team of specialists or he will kill innocent at the Jeffersonian Institute people. Booth is a good man who identify human remains that could never let innocent beyond recognition and people die for his happiness, solve murders. Throughout so he agrees. After calling off this series, the team makes the wedding, there becomes an enemy with a genius a strain on their relationship serial killer that they cannot that is now barely staying seem to catch. In this together. This television specific episode, this serial series is always dramatic and killer makes another show. entertaining, and has been Earlier in the series, Bones my favorite show ever since and Booth have had a child it started showing. together, and in this episode

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