chapter 54
Disco damage! A medical selection of common raving injuries, their treatment and how to avoid them, compiled by Dr Phil Dudman, MD(MA), CDJ, GHB, NRG-1 (with expert advice from Clive James of the St John Ambulance and Emma Harrison of the Royal National Institute for Deaf People)
Glas-toe
fig 1.1. Sore Throat
Hand aid to amplify whisper
Toe Nails
Ibiza Voice
Symptoms: What a holiday. Seven huge nights out on the trot, memories that will last for ever. You’re bankrupt but who cares, you feel absolutely marvell… oh wait, ATCHOO!! Actually you can’t speak above a whisper, you’re bunged up and your throat feels like you’ve been gargling with Cillit Bang and toenails. Say hello to Ibiza’s revenge. Oh, and check your watch. You’ve got work in an hour. Causes: What did you expect from a huge, week-long binge of hedonism, zero sleep, exotic narcotics and returning to good ol’ Blighty on a plane full of people in exactly the same, er, plane. Welcome to SneezyJet: fasten your seatbelt and begin sweating. And that air nozzle blasting down on your face? That’s pure, unadulterated disease. Mmmm. Treatment: Clive says: “There’s little you can do but keep warm, drink plenty of fluids and take over-thecounter cold remedies. If it’s a virus, stay at home to avoid passing it on”. Not all bad, then.
Symptoms: When the sun breaks through, festivals come into their own. Everyone is on a one-track mission to strip as bare as possible and let the good times roll. Such a feeling of freedom is never more apparent than when chucking your wellies into the crowd and whipping on those flimsy little flip flops. Until, that is, you start experiencing sharp, painful sensations in your feet and hear the sound of bone being crushed into fragments. Still, at least the warm dust helps soak up the blood. Causes: Probably something to do with wearing flip flops in a crowd of 150,000 people who all like to jump up and down. Escape the masses and you’ve still got tractors, cows and novelty spiked crash helmets all ready and waiting to grind, stamp and drop onto your vulnerable little pinkies. Ha, and that singer thought you were screaming for him… Treatment: Clive says: “Swelling, soreness and being unable to stand are signs that you have an underlying injury. Get some ice, wrap it in fabric and apply. Rest it and prop it up when you’re lying down.” Prevention: A leathery-based foot covering and perhaps some kind of tough, rubber-like sole. Tape them together. Hang on, that sounds like a boot, doesn’t it? Yes. Buy some boots. fig 1.2. Swollen Toes
GREYS DISCO ANATOMY
[[1L]] october 2010
fig 1.3. Friction Burn
Cutting ’n’ scratching’
Symptoms: At festivals, cuts and scratches are perhaps the number one cause of a trip to the first aid tent, but even the tamest night on the tiles can end up drawing blood. Causes: These can range from full on fights to head butting the booth in excitement, or being bottled by your mate for a laugh. In fact, given the weekly accounts of injury-byflying glowstick and even one story of an eyebrow being split open at a festival by a squash thrown by a motley bunch of countryside alliance protesters, you’ll do well to get home in one piece. Treatment: Clive says: “Use cold running water or a bottle of water to clean the cut. Dry it, then cover up with a plaster if you’ve remembered to bring them – they’re a good fallback for painful feet too).” If you have been hit by a vegetable, why not cook it into a healthy soup? Prevention: Try all-over Kevlar body protection, or a suit of armour if it’s Bestival. Alternatively, cover your entire body in Vaseline and everything will just slip right past.