Ant-acid house
Words Phil Dudman Illustrations Jay Taylor
For every new dance music genre that makes it big, there are many that never quite catch on. Presenting the music scenes that never made it…
Failtronica jingle
A post-modern dance franchise, the jingle scene encompassed a new generation of producers who sampled their tracks straight from telly. This subversive use of commercial breaks and TV theme tunes thrashed together with dub, garage and frenetic d’n’b basslines seemed destined to hit the big time, with dancefloors across the country echoing to shouts of “wicked, wicked – this jingle is massive!”. However, a sponsorship deal with Cillit Bang sanitised its grimy image before it could really take off. DOWNLOAD: The latest Royksöpp album
tesco
Quickly stamped out by the authorities, this techno-based genre enjoyed a brief existence holding raves in unguarded supermarkets. Attracted by the cheap booze and self-service bar tills, the punters nevertheless tired of the constant Julie Walters acapellas, Morrisson dancers and feel-good pocket spanking. Moreover, the signposting to the white aisle was vague and misleading. DOWNLOAD: Booka Shade ‘Mandarine Girl’ (Barcode Beep mix)
Jingle
[[1L]] july 2009
Crudstep
First seen in the cow fields of Glastonbury, this bizarre phenomenon briefly took the festival scene by storm, combining the more libertarian ethics of freerunning with drugtaking and cow dung. Commonly referred to as ‘the shit’, ‘poo-step’ or even ‘plop-scotch’, followers would seek to get from one side of a field to the other by leaping from cowpat to cowpat in time to the music. Until the mid-noughties, that is, when they realised the scene was bullshit. DOWNLOAD: Glastonburial ‘Arseangel’ (Plop Hoppers re-rub)
R’n’B
A specialist genre for teetotal clubbers with short attention spans, ‘Ritalin Not Booze’ required disc jockeys to play every track at three times its normal speed to avoid people leaving. Hyper by nature, r’n’b promoters held regular ‘Versus’ nights forcing existing genres through the triplespeed process until, tragically, an entire tribe of drum ’n’ bass MCs convulsed, had seizures and died. The Hospital DJs desperately tried a rewind, but they were too late. DOWNLOAD: Altern8 ‘Acceler8’ (Tee-total Beat mix)
Drum ‘n’ Grace A religious flirtation with dance music aimed at attracting more youth to the church, drum ’n’ grace nights set the precedent for Sunday clubbing in the early noughties. However, a backlash against DJ worship, hooded choir boys and Martin Luther King samples saw numbers begin to wane and young people exodus en mass. Nevertheless, reports suggest the movement could soon be back… by Pope demand. DOWNLOAD: Pendulum ‘Hold your Dog Collar’
Ant-Acid House
Despite being exposed as a publicity stunt for Rennie in 1992, ant-acid house nights sprang up all over the south east, ruthlessly cashing in on ravers’ innate capacity for trapped wind. A sudden shout of ‘aciiiiiiiiiiiid!’ would send scores of ‘Rapeze-response’ staff racing across the dancefloor with a bag full of chalky pills and a glass of water – a novelty still fondly recalled by many Rennie pilgrims to this day. DOWNLOAD: Inners On The Loose ‘Break Of Wind’
Crudstep
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