May 18, 2012
The Phillipian
Features
B5
The Statistical Analysts at Features Present....
STATE OF THE ACADEMY It’s that time of the year again... That bittersweet moment when we see ourselves for who we really are... We had our monkey, Phil, sort through all that data you sent us through the surveys, and now we present you with the STATE OF THE ACADEMY! Facts don’t lie. But fortune tellers do... So be wary when dealing with fortune tellers.
This is the state that the Academy is in... What’s the big whoop?
Scuba divers: 23 Holistic Scientists: 47 Moose Majors: 58 Turtle Backs: 87 Little Dogs: Priceless
Data
Fake Andover Statistics
6 5 4 3 2 1 0
10. You fail 100% of the courses you never take.
Number of Hookups at Gelb Dance
Outstanding Superior Good Satisfactory Minimum Pass Failure Serious Failure
9. We’ve got youth from every nickel. 8. The graphs on this page are 100% correct. 7. English teachers only read 40% of your essay (Jokes, they read 30%).
News Analysis
6. Every time the Yorkies sing, an angel gets its wings.
By Sammy G Phillipian overlord
Looky here, at these cool, fancy graphs. Wow, who knew that this many people even answered these surveys? To tell you the truth, I answered the opposite of what was true on every question. But I digress, or maybe I don’t. To be honest with you, this is just filler text. Pearson was all like, Hemang, we can’t have this empty space, fill it with fake analysis about these graphs and like relate them. Okay, Pearson. That’s what I’ll do. Jokes. Why would I actually do that. Maybe we have parallel motives, but in general I’m doing my own thing. Okay I really can’t do much more with this whole complaining thing so I think I’m going to go back to ‘pretend analyzing’ (or pranalyzing) these graphs. Clearly the people who live in North America is around almost half. Considering that I entered completely random
5. 97% of what happens at the Gelb dance stays at the Gelb dance. 4. 74% of all day students listed GW as their home address. 3. Only 1 in 20 Andover students can identify Abbot Cluster on a map. 2. 87% of students read Arts. data for everything, I am pretty impressed. Another thing that I noticed is that... I don’t know. To be honest, this is starting to sound a lot like my English essays. Meaningless.
Without meaning. Repetitive. Repetitive. Repetitive. Words, words, words. Yeah, that’s a reference to Hamlet. Watch the Throne, baby. The lady dothent protest enough,
methinks. I don’t really know what I’ve said... But this is about the end. Thanks.
1. Features has never told a lie.