Features Presents The Exonian

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The Exonian

NEWS

E/A Weekend, 2014

How are babies made?

“The oldest CENSORED Preparatory School Newspaper in the Nation” Vol. CXXXVII, No. 23

November 7, 2014

Phillips Academy

Student Body Outrage Over Forced Parietals

by Jack Shumway This past Sunday, voting closed on a proposed amendment to the Red Book. Faculty members unanimously voted in favor of the proposal, which outlines the addition of a room-visiting stipulation for all students.

“I think among faculty, there has been a general concern for some time about the students’ sex lives—namely, that it doesn’t exist. Like, at all.

I’m pretty sure most Exeter students don’t even fully understand what sex is,” said Megatron, Dean of Students.

From now on, Exeter students will now be required to have a minimum of two 25-minute parietals with a member of the opposite (or same) sex each week. The new rule also strictly prohibits the feigning of sickness, injury, or death in order to escape the requirement.

“I think the amendment is a moral imperative. As a house counselor, I’m trusted to be a parent in these students’ lives. What kinds of parents just let their kids study alone in their rooms every Saturday night instead of getting their freaks on?” said one house counselor.

The Chairman of the Board of Trustees also issued a statement declaring in favor of the requirement: “The Board believes preparing students for college is one of Exeter’s greatest responsibilities, and the truth is, we have been failing to live up to that responsibility in some pretty key areas. Sexual frustration is a quintessential part of the teenage experience.”

Several faculty members cited seeing students making out with calculus textbooks as their main motivation for voting for the proposal.

“For years, we’ve been begging students to turn off the lights and to close the door – just to do something to prove they’re real people and not just emotionless drones. Other schools may have the problem of students with too many urges... but not us!” one faculty member said.

“Since our pleas seemed to be falling on deaf ears, we decided it was time to take matters into our own hands.

Although a lot of faculty members have been complaining that the requirement was long overdue, I’m just happy A.WIMPYKID/THE EXONIAN it passed!” another facStudents were excited to hear the announcement in last week’s “Assembly” of the upcoming Star Wars convention. ulty member concluded.

EXETER STUDENTS TAKE FIRST PLACE IN REGIONAL ART COMPETITION Artwork by Art C. Kidd ’18

News

Arts

Exeter adopts new mascot

New Uniform

Students decided previous griffin / lion / rampant lion to be “lame.”

Inspired by World War I but with a modern twist.

Editorial

Sports

Features

The Exonian Board requests stricter uniform from faculty.

A Look at this year’s recruited mathletes

Newest jokes and cartoons

INSIDE THE EXONIAN News / A2 - A3

Full coverage of the latest TI84 calculator convention!

The limit of their coolness does not exist.

Exeter students make much jokes in the classes and in the dormitories.

STAY CONNECTED Join us on Myspace!!

Myspace.com/plebian465 Swipe right for us on Tinder!

Tinder/sexymama Unban us on Club Penguin! @TheWaddle

Email exonian@exonian.net for un-subscription (or just snapchat us at TheSuperCoolExonian).

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The Exonian

FEATURES

Another Miserable Week, 2014

Small “Dickies” Spotted on Exeter Campus

by Ellie Simon

M.UGATU/THE EXONIAN

This student proudly sports his favorite dicky under his blazer.

That’s right folks, you read it here first: the new trend of extra small dickies is spreading through Exeter’s campus like wildfire. The dicky, also known as a “neck-warmer,” offers an alternative to the Exeter uniform which traditionally requires either a tie or turtleneck.

Dickies are strap-on turtlenecks that let you wear that cute sweatervest without getting in trouble. It’s really quite wonderful – all the class of a shirt without the inconvenience of putting your midsection in a prison.

Maude Ern ’14 gave The Exonian some great inside advice, sharing that, “The cream version is super fetch for fall. It really goes with my military green jacket and brings out the sallowness of our student body!”

The original maker of the dicky, Richard Phlasait, is very excited about the number of orders Exeter students have placed this year. In a recent interview, he happily exclaimed, “I had never seen so many kids wear-

ing body prisons before— and to think they were all enrolled in the same, crumby prep school! I’m surprised we didn’t target that student body earlier.

And now we’ve liberated them; we’ve freed their midsections and covered them in dickies.”

Phlasait continued to describe how production has increased since this new trend spread to Exeter. “Most of our employees’ hours got extended from eight-hour days to twenty-hour days after so many students sent in personalized orders. We’ve also had to adjust the machines to shrink the dickies for the students, because they just don’t need ‘em that big.”

Due to their buffness, many football players are sporting a slightly bigger model. They’re so used to being covered in so much equipment that the idea of such little material unnerves them. They have been noted wearing extra, extra large dickies around campus, which raises the question, what are they compensating for?

Despite their widespread popularity, dickies have been disappointing

students in some respects.

There have been many complaints that the cotton in the dickies makes them shrink in the cold, an embarrassing and inexplicable phenomena for any student because it leaves an unacceptable amount of skin visible and open to the cold New Hampshire winds.

Morty Fied ’16 laments, “I hate that the second the temperature drops, my dicky shrinks. I mean, I know I’m not the only Exonian with this condition, but I was hoping mine wouldn’t be so severe.”

Not everyone has been enjoying this craze on campus. Many faculty members are growing frustrated with the quick and easy access students have to their dickies. One exasperated PEAPS officer complained, “Last week I saw some little curmudgeon strutting around campus without a shirt on under his sweater, but when I tried to write him up he just pulled his dicky out and screamed, ‘Problem solved!’”

More From Art C. Kidd: Will Grace National Gallery of Fine Arts in 2055-2056 School Year.

PHOTO OF THE WEEK Exeter Students Demand Sunday Classes to Supplement Already Oppressive Schedule

by Kasey Welch

G.ETALIFE/THE EXONIAN

Even Saturday classes aren’t enough for these enthusiastic nerds Exeter students.

Overheard in the Newsroom More Lord of the Rings!!!

Lord of the Rings is the best. The best the best the best.

Studying too hard to watch L.of.Rings Gosh, we really love the Lord of the Rings, but studying is just too much fun.... what to do?

Chess tournament cancelled :( BUT I WANNA MATE!

Over the years, several of our fellow institutions have cast off the prestigious tradition that is Saturday Classes. Our own beloved Exeter Academy has decided to take similar strides by slowly and methodically “phasing out” this practice until only a single Saturday class remains each month. I know, I know, but please, hold your appalled looks. If this ghastly trend continues, it will not be long until we too are left without our cherished weekend classes, well-rested but as bored as ever with nothing to do but read and lose all our football games.

In response to the high probability that the administration will enact this dreadful decree, a group of students, organized and headed by Dwight Schroot ‘15 (hailing from Scraton, Vermont), have undertaken the dire necessity of petitioning the faculty for a voice on the matter.

According to Mr. Schroot “Our short term goal is to get our half-day Saturday classes back every week,

but one of our main longterm objectives include replacing the half day with a full day of school every Saturday.”

Many have asked why the student body is in favor of such a strange and seemingly self-damaging goal. Much of the general public has claimed, “Who in their right minds wants another day of school!?!?”

But in an attempt to clarify his motives, Schroot responded: “Instituting a full set of classes would prevent sports’ rehearsals from taking place while simultaneously forcing students to study on Saturday night instead of going to the chess conventions and World of Warcraft competitions typically attended on weekend evenings.

We’re getting two birds with one stone here, people.”

Dwight and his posse, which has recently expanded to encompass virtually the entire student body, are still receiving the faculty’s deaf ears in regard to the protests.

Upon inquiry, the Dean of Students Mr. Lion stated, “Although we acknowledge the students’ point

of view on the matter, we cannot ignore the need for change; the lack of people we see outside of their dorm rooms and the library over the weekend has forced us to take actions. The faculty members all admire the dedication Exeter students exhibit; however we think it would be beneficial to give PEA students a little more free time, which they would hopefully use to the advantage of both the school’s athletic reputation as well as their developing social skills.

In addition to this, their interesting tactics fail to persuade the faculty to their cause.”

Said methods include riding the whale skeleton out of the science building and down Main St. along with every student smashing their monocles onto the gym floor as a protest to both physical activity and aquatic mammals. What is the student body’s reply to these interesting words from Lion?

Schrute’s response: “Nothing stresses us out, except having to seek the approval of our inferiors.”

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NEWS

The Exonian

More News!

November 81st, 2016

This Just In: Student Invents Jokes!

Well, we here at the paper have been left pretty speechless, so here they are: There are only ten types of people in this world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip? To get to the same side.

What do you call eight circles? Octopi.

What is a mathematicians favorite pick-up line? “Hey there, sec(c)!”

A.PHOTOGRAPHER/THE EXONIAN

Exeter Changes Mascot

by Charlie Mayhew As a part of the school’s latest attempt to desperately improve its negative image, Exeter administration officials unveiled a new mascot they believe will help project a new message to potential students, parents, and faculty.

Said a member of the Selection Committee, “With so much debate and turmoil raging through PEA, we think there’s no better time to reunite and reinvent our campus. This is why we are so very proud to present the new mascot of Exeter, the extinct Newfoundland Wolf. It’s fast and ferocious, and, just like us, it howls at every chance it gets. It’s the perfect fit!”

The Selection Committee hopes the no longer relevant beast will provide a strong analogy towards a new Exeter. One faculty member remarked, “I, for one, am really happy that we’ve switched. Our old, ambiguous lion-griffin thing wasn’t attention-grabbing. A wolf,

though. That can rally a school that is struggling with comparatively poor yields, wildfire arguments over free speech, and a soulless environment devoid of spirit and fun.”

The long extinct dog, having not mattered for some time now, once roamed North America in tense, wild packs, constantly vying for power over others with a vicious and malicious intent.

“This is what we need,” announced a school representative in an interview. “This is how we reintroduce ourselves to the world. The process has been long and arduous, but we’ve finished with a product of which we are very, very proud.

“We began with a lion, and we thought, ‘Well, what can be better?’. So we looked at current and successful trends in the high school mascot business, and we examined what was working. We saw what schools were doing better than we were, and what animals they had chosen, and we decided it had to

be a bird. So we tried out seagulls, and penguins, and dodo birds, but nothing fit. After that, the idea came to us that maybe we were limiting ourselves with the animal kingdom.

Unfortunately, however, you can’t put a table on a poster, and math problems make bad costumes, so to the world of the animate we returned, but this time we turned to the past.

And there the wolf was, teeth bared and ready to pounce.”

The student body has reacted with the most excitement and energy in years. The reveal was met with murmurs of approval and sparse clapping, a rare outburst of school pride.

One such scholar commented, “I would calculate my enjoyment of the proceedings that occurred to equal approximately my enjoyment when I see someone with whom I compete fail miserably.

With hope, this fossilized, forever gone subspecies of the canis lupus will show people what it’s like to go to Exeter.”

How did pi respond when i said, “You’re being irrational!” He said, “Get real.”

I used to hate decimals, but then I realized they had a point.

How do mathematicians measure comedic value? In a LOLgarithmic scale.

Why do math teachers make such good dancers? They’ve algorithms.

Why do math classes make great soap opera scenes? There are so many problems.

How would you describe two mathematicians arguing? They are at odds.

Why do mathematicians wear glasses? To improve their division.

What did the mathematician name his cookbook? “Pi a la mode.”

Why was the student kicked out of math class? One too many infractions.

What was the best math student’s blood type? A+.

How did the math teacher destroy the blackboard? He did a number on it.

Why did the criminal not get the math teacher job? His qualifications didn’t add up.

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The Exonian

SPARTZ

Loser Ville, 2014

The Exonian Presents: SPORTS!!!

C.HADJOHNSON/THE EXONIAN

Tough faces are on for their team picture.

Introducing: The Football Post-Graduates

by James Flynn When Exeter was down 34-0 in the first quarter of their football game against Exeter Middle School, François Bélanger broke the odds after being handed the ball by doing a plié followed by a pirouette to get by the tweenager defensive backs, running 80 yards to score the first touchdown for Exeter in the past five years. These

classic ballet moves, however, were not accidental.

Hailing from Paris, France, Bélanger is but one of the many recent Post-Graduate athletic recruits from the Croissant École de Paris, a school specializing in ballet. Dr. Ohand Eight, the head football coach, walked by the dance studio last spring to see some remarkably limber men.

While most people would not associate Football with Ballet, Dr. Eight saw po-

tential in these strapping young men with their posture, poise, grace, and elegance.

Dr. Eight knew this conversion from pirouettes to padding would be a tough one, but he was adamant about creating a much better scoring deficit than last year’s 0-245. Knowing he had to first gain their trust, Dr. Eight laced up his ballet shoes and hit the ballroom.

After Dr. Eight busted out a ballotté into a fouetté en

tourant that he learned to sarcastically make fun of the kids who danced ballet in his middle school, the mouths of these dancers dropped, ready to follow this master into the depths of hell.

Hoping to recover from last year’s crushing loss against Andover, Dr. Eight knew that these foreigners, who unfortunately could speak only through broken English, were his only hope in obtaining at least one

win this season. His strategy over the past few years of recruiting 300-pound Post-Graduates from the heart of Texas had left him high and dry. Armed with his passport and mouth guard, Dr. Eight plans to now regularly make trips to ballet schools all over France and Russia hoping to find his new star runningback.

The game against Exeter Middle School ended with a forfeit from Phillips

Exeter after the second quarter, which we all know is much later than usual.

Post-game, Dr. Eight remarked, “I think we’ve all experienced our own ballet today. Ballet of emotion, and feelings.”

After their life-changing experience with ballet, the football PG’s decided to quit football and pick up ballet instead.

This Week’s Scores Football:

Boys Soccer:

X-Country:

Girls Soccer:

Field Hockey:

Boys Waterpolo:

Cushing: 63 Exeter: 0

Total time of all 7 runners= 4 days, 16 hours, 12.2 mins Choate: 15 Exeter: -2

Middlesex: 5.7 Exeter: .3

Exeter Forfeited (Failed Steroid Tests) “Just Keep Swimming”

Exeter’s only ‘catch’ of the game!

Mathletics Report

by Charlie Mayhew

It was an intensely competitive week for the Exeter Mathletics team.

Obviously, there are no other schools in the country that take part in this up and coming sport. So varsity was split up into two teams that would face each other in the final Mathletics battle of the semester.

The newest post-graduate recruit, Myrtle Melvin ’15, captained Team 1, and the four-year senior, Herman Humphries ’15 captained Team 2. All of the students flocked to the stadiums to watch as the skilled athletes begun to scribble down their notes.

One of the spectators, Little Timmy, Jr. ’18 said, “The atmosphere was just astonishing. The crowd roared with praise when Myrtle stepped up to answer the first question.”

Melvin answered immediately, and was quietly con-

gratulated by her teammates. Team 2 had elected their youngest freshman recruit, Eugene Snodgrass ’18 to answer their first Mathletics question. But the pressures seemed to be too much to handle for Snodgrass, and he was unable to answer it correctly.

Some Exonian Team 2 fans complained that the Mathletics question generator was rigged. In an interview, Fanny Pach ’16 protested: “I’ve never trusted that Mathletics generator.

The whole thing is a scam.

The administration rigged it because they preferred Myrtle over Eugene.”

The competition continued to the final round after two hours of unwavering energy in the stadium. The Team 2 captain, Herman Humphries was up to answer the final question. A correct answer from Humphries would give his team the win. After a tense minute of frantically scribbling down his

calculations, he looked up and gave the judges an answer. They nodded their heads, held up their ‘I can COUNT on you’ posters, and the stadium erupted with applause. Team 2 was just able to snatch the victory. Little Timmy, Jr. discussed the awards ceremony with our Exonian reporters: “Herman Humphries gracefully stepped up to the podium, and when he received the gold sticker that read Keep Calm and Love Math, I knew that I would do my very best to join the Exeter Mathletics team. It will remain a dream of mine for the rest of my time at Exeter” What a night it was at the stadium.

Humphries has recently released his new biography, ‘Blood, Sweat and Tears: My Time on the Exeter Mathletics Team’. His book can be bought at your local Barnes & Noble.

Ronald James ’15 has committed to SYA for precalculus.

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The Exonian

CMMTRY

No, You’re Wrong, 2014

The Exonian Presents: The Commentary Section The Masthead Upper Management: EIC: Napoleon Bonaparte President: Alexander the Great Dictator for Life: Julius Caesar

Middle Management: Plebe McFarston Turd MacFerguson Vanessa MicFrample News: Ron Burgundy Brick Tamlin Brian Fantana Champ Kind Commentary: Barack Clinton Mark Twain Mother Teresa Arts and Leisure: Hugh Hefner Pamela Anderson Sports: Barry Bonds Lance Armstrong Humor: *These editors have been expelled due to public indecency*

Lower Management: Michael Hunt Richard “Dick” Koch

Photosynthesis: Jefferson Steelflex Alvin Yakatori

Director of Advertising: Donald Draper

Cartooning: Charlie Brown Calvin & Hobbles Aquaman

Advertising Managers Joan Holloway Peggy Olson Roger Sterling Pete Campbell

Copy: Jazmin Smithe Persefonee Piece Justin Wayne

Director of Subscriptions Bernie Madoff

Layout & Design: Anna Wintour Calvin Klein L. Bean

Subscriptions Managers: Will Williams Justin Justinson Charlie Charles Natalie Natalia John Jackson Jack Johnson

Online: Igor Bergochav Marcus Iceburg Gerardo Geralds

Associate Board News: Associate #1N Associate #2N Associate #3N Associate #4N Associate #5N Commentary: Associate #6C Associate #7C Associate #8C Associate #9C Arts & Leisure: Associate #10A Associate #11A Associate #12A Associate #13A Sports: Associate #14S Associate #15S Associate #16S

Humor: Associate #17H Associate #18H Associate #19H Associate #20H Ornothology: Associate #21P Associate #22P Associate #23P Associate #24P Cartooning: Associate #25Ca Associate #26Ca Associate #27Ca Associate #28Ca Copy: Associate #29Co Associate #30Co Associate #31Co Associate #32Co

Layout & Design: Associate #33L Associate #34L Online: Associate #36O Associate #37O Associate #38O Operations: Associate #36Op Associate #37Op Associate #38Op

Letter to the Editor Dear Editor, As many know, 66 percent of students accepted to both Andover and Exeter choose Andover.

With all this chatter and debate about this 1:2 statistic, I thought I might share my thoughts on the matter, and because we sit around oval tables, that means I’m levelheaded. In his piece “On Principals: Forward with Direction,” P.F. Chang ’15 writes that “Exeter cannot rest on its laurels.”

While I agree that an institution, especially an educational one, should not lose motivation or vision, I don’t think we even possess any laurels on which we can rest. In fact, if this metric tells us anything, it’s that we should strive to be more like Andover.

Forget rivalry, pride, and weird ways of teaching math. In “A Similar Successor,” authors L. Balasuriya Et Al. write, “as alumni, we are very disappointed about the recent admissions statistics.”

The facts are in, and we can squabble, finger-point, and feel insecure about ourselves all we want, but the only way we can actually improve

is to copycat the enemy. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, and although it seems petty, childish, and cowardly to raise the white flag and acculturate, we are petty, childish, and cowardly.

I know it’s hard. I realize admitting defeat is humiliating, and I understand that the student body and faculty may not agree, but think about the ratio itself. Twice as many applicants go to Andover over Exeter, putting the proportion in the same graphical region as brushing one’s teeth with a brush over a finger, using Netflix over Hulu, and owning a toilet over an outhouse.

And look, you can deny it all you want, but we have had a history of trying to match Andover’s bold advancements for a while now. Starting from when, you know, we began our school after them, right up until we announced an initiative to plagiarize their dining hall. Our unspoken school code states we are a cold, cutthroat, competitive environment.

We need to stick to this policy and adapt, or we will surely die.

These numbers frustrate all of us. Like you, I

wish there were a way to solve this by writing the phrase “Harkness method” 100 times in a notebook. Like you, I long for a few lines of code that would make all this go away. Like you, I am split between happiness that less people with whom I need to interact means more math and sadness that another school, our rival, is more appealing.

How ironic that numbers, which I hold above all else, humbled me with their brutal honesty. I think they humbled all of us.

So build a pizza oven.

Build 20 pizza ovens.

Uncensor the newspaper. Forget the hours of brainwashing and teach algebra like a sane person. Make programming optional. Anything, anything at all. We can put up with shame if it means long term success, because the truth is that Andover has the upper hand, and they have had it for a while now. Now is the time that we must start to evening the score.

Jimmy Swarthmore PEA ’15 With consulting by: Charles Mayhew, PA ’18

Note: All associates are not to be called by their given names, but are rather to be referred to by their numbers. This is not intended to create dehumanizing conditions.

An Interesting Editorial

This editorial may come as a shock. It will be groundbreaking, interesting, and relevant – characteristics highly unusual both of the newspaper The Exonian and of Phillips Exeter Academy as an establishment. Furthermore, this editorial’s mere existence is something of an anomaly. The Exonian’s Editorial Board must admit that we can barely spell properly, much less formulate an interesting and relevant view on an issue of any importance. But as the French say, “Doner sa langue au chat” – “to give the tongue to the cat.” Idiomatically, this translates as, “I give up.”

But enough frivolous chit chat. We must proceed to the meat of the matter: the rampant disrespect on Exeter’s campus. As was astutely noted by John Xavier Williams III ‘76, Chairman of Exeter’s Grammar Department, “All of these young ones:/ their sum of the most direspectfull peepel, I’ve ever had the displezure¡ of seaing.”

Wise words from a wise man.

Indeed, while a small dose of disrespect can help sustain a healthy community, Exeter is administering levels far beyond those prescribed by the FDA. Have you ever tried walking around campus? It’s awful. No one holds the doors, no one smiles on the path, and students’ mouths are worse than those of sailors with stubbed toes. It’s a ****** embarrassment.

But this disrespect amounts to nothing when compared with the abysmal conduct demonstrated during our Exonian All School Assemblies. Take the last assembly, for instance: the audience shared a greater resemblance with a pack of chimpanzees than with a sophisticated group of prep school thinkers. As the students began to bore, they started throwing rotten fruit at the speaker, frolicking from bench to bench, and climbing up the chapel’s pillars. At this point, the Editor in Chief of The Exonian proceeded to burst onto the stage, grab the microphone from the disheartened speaker, and blast “Turn Down for What” throughout the venue.

Alas! If only Exeter could mirror the likes of Phillips Andover, whose ASM behavior was so impeccable that it warranted a school-wide congratulatory email!

This disrespectful behavior is an epidemic, and so the question remains: what is the cure? The Exonian’s editorial board would not dare to undertake the problem – we are much too busy with very important things that, for the purpose of international security, shall remain clandestine. However, if we were forced to suggest a plan of action, it would probably be something along the lines of: “Doner sa langue au chat.”

Corekshuns

Last week, The Exonian inadvertently published several errors. Whoops.

As it turns out, pie is a food, and pi is a number. We didn’t know about the food; we were too busy doing math.

In addition, we accidentally mentioned that a student was sitting at the corner of a table. This is impossible; none of our tables have corners.

Additionally, we used the oxford comma, and not the song by Vampire Weekend.

“The Phillipian” is better and never uses the aforementioned comma.

Furthermore, we got too hopeful and misspelled “sad” as “F U N.” We also accidentally listed our head of school as the “principle.” He has principles, but we call him the principal, because he’s our pal.

Exeter was also listed as a secondary school; we’re pretty sure we’re one of the best, most primary schools.

The faculty overseer of The Exonian regrets not catching the errors. Oops.

P.LEASECOME/THE EXONIAN

Exeter’s Admission Yield has somehow gone further than rock bottom.

Troubling Admissions

by Durham Abric This week Exeter students were less than surprised to hear that the admissions yield rate topped out at a record low 15 percent. Moreover, The Exonian, exclusively reports that students are three times more likely to avoid attending Exeter than to attend Exeter itself.

Director of Admissions, Miss Anne Thrope ’78, revealed to the Exonian that, “The admissions office was terribly, terribly disappointed to learn of the record low yield rate last spring. So distraught we were, that we even decided to implement some crowd-pleasers on this year’s revisit days.” Differential calculus open houses, rhetoric classes, a bouncy castle, and a lecture on the classical origins of contemporary social injustices are sure to lock in unsuspecting victims students for years to come.

The admissions office has also started an inves-

tigation into the causes of the mass Exterodus.

And despite their worst efforts, the school has come to the decision that Exeter is just too prestigious, too academic, too athletic, and too excellent for most prospective students. One Andover student, Durz Brick, revealed to The Exonian that he “didn’t even apply to Exeter because I didn’t think I was worthy of the great honor of attending such an institution.

“Instead, I chose Andover because I was less intimidated by the fact that only 30 percent of its students go to the Ivy League. And, come on, everyone knows that Exeter is a pressure cooker. A pressure cooker that takes students and produces shimmering diamonds.”

But timid souls such as Mr. Brick, are not for Exeter. In fact, Exeter tries to avoid bricks like it avoids joy. One admissions officer explained that students who acknowledge the difficulty

of the Exeter course aren’t welcome at PEA. Instead, Exeter would rather populate its student body with young adults ready to push themselves to their limits: “If you ain’t passing out with a molecular biology textbook on your face three nights a week, you probably aren’t the right fit for Exeter. And if you make an effort to socialize instead of trying to cram chemical formulae into your cerebrum, you should probably just settle for Andover,” one lower stated.

So, Exeter faces a dilemma in the coming years: Should PEA drop its academic standards and accept more wholesome, decent people? Or should the academy continue on its distinguished and genteel path, and accept its low yield rate?

Surely many a Harkness table discussion will follow.

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FUNNY FEATURES PRESENTS

THE Exonian FEATURES PRESENTS

Renaissance, 2014

FEATURES PRESENTS

TOP TEN TOP TEN TOP TEN Adjectives + Fruits

Worst Things You can Do to Honey Bear

Reasons Exeter was Founded

10. Flaccid Banana.

10. Flirt with Honey Bear’s best friend.

10. Andover students needed a safety school.

9. Apathetic Passionfruit.

9. Pigeonhole Honey Bear.

8. Prosmiscuous Pear.

7. Amiable Nightshade.

8. “Get a Bit Too Friendly” with Honey Bear’s secretary.

9. Mr. Palfrey needed to learn what was wrong with a school in order to run one.

6. Dedicated Honeysuckle.

7. Scream at Honey Bear’s children.

7. Andover needed a guaranteed athletics win each year.

6. Manipulate Honey Bear.

6. BKH need someone to cheer against.

4. Plebian Apple.

5. Flirt with Honey Bear’s sister.

5. Exeter has 6 letters.

6 * 111 = 666

3. Peer-pressuring Potato.

4. Never apologize to Honey Bear. Even after last night.

4. A/E gives PA students their required community service.

5. Wild-Bittersweet Orange.

2. Overcompensating Peanut.

1. Parched Watermelon.

By Alex Sweeting

FEATURES PRESENTS

3. Marry Honey Bear because Honey Bear is rich.

2. Flirt with Honey Bear’s mother.

8. Their color is red.

So is the devil’s.

3. Their mascot resembles the devil.

2. Like I can’t be the only one thinking that.

1. No other Juvenile detention centers in New Hampshire.

1. Arson.

FEATURES PRESENTS

FEATURES PRESENTS

TOP TEN TOP TEN TOP TEN Reasons Exeter Should Secede

Reasons You Missed E/A

Things to do at Sadie

10. Andover is better.

10. Dat math hw doe.

10. Free chocolate.

9. Red is the color of rebellion.

9. Scared of that crazy looking gorilla.

9. It takes two to waltzzzzzzz....zz..

8. To induce a cool nickname like “Catboner.”

8. Saturday blues.

7. Palfreycare > Obamacare...let’s talk to Palfrey.

6. We have enough Sperry’s to start an export economy.

7. Had too much fun at Halloween.

6. Couldn’t find any red to wear... why is red so unflattering?!?!?!

5. Glasses broke.

5. ‘Secede’ and ‘Sad’ sound very similar.

4. Retainer broke.

4. National Sunday Sundaes.

3. What is E/a?

3. So Exeter can have notable alums.

2. Apparently, sports games don’t believe in “fashionably late.”

2. We can’t in the shadows of Andover forever.

1. Soiree with Features.

1. Student Council never undergoes a complete shutdown.

8. Pay ample attention to Honey Bear.

7. If people are pumping their fists, you probably should.

6. Avoid asking any of the chaperones to dance. They might actually want to.

5. Just dance, it’ll be ok, da-da, doo-doo.

4. Drink more water/cider.

Dehydration is no fun for anyone.

3. When the beat drops, pick it up.

2. The best floor is the basement (Susie’s...)

1. Ask out the one you like before they argon!

This was originally run in The Phillipian Commencement CXXXVII.