Finally February, 2014
The Phillipian
FEATURESLAND
B7
IN MEMORIAM: REMMINGTON AND JAKE Tha Flippyanne
Farewell, R
3
Volume CXXXVI
Stefon
Visionary, Meditator & Chief
Dearest Bereaved:
Kanine Jo (jacket)
Pet Detective Loaph of Bread
Neeka Yuri Kim
Director of Toyed Llamas
Ze Traineur Who Trains Nudes
Squidney Eves CENSORED Mailman AlexYang (of North Andover)
Supreme Leaders
Smooth Operator
Make Jarrus Not War Rem “I’m literally trivarsity” Remmel
Rome, Italy IV
Latté Kezine Joy As Love
Zooey Gullag Her
Complaining
Farts and Pleasure
Grant “Yes sir” Butler Margarine “Not Butter” Clothesoff Kenta Yesmoto
Director of Fresh Produce Head of Nothing
That One Kid Who Also Does Philo
Tater Scots
Stephanie HendARTa Jenna Fibula
Facebook Albums
Mathletics
Grammur
Taylor Chen James Judelsports Kimmer Fredette
Telephone Operators
Waiting on the Queue
Emmie Russia
Log-On Blaine Gego.ry
Young-G Money Hummer Kule Masthead
Fake Pictures
“Ideas” Guy
Sierra Drawmir
Jim “Bouncy” Rubbertson
Volume CXXXVII
Mrs. Taylor Chen Editor of Cheese MkEllie Blumberg
C.O.O. (Chancellor of Octopi) NOoze
Ryan Gap Bridger
Fear de Ghoul-d
Director of River-Crossing Features
Manger of Micro Letterz
Mitt Rani * PB&J Kim Crista Lized Mad Allen Made Yew
Lack Jane Smellie Is Mon
Lincoln BerryPancake Lil’ Wang
Photography
Commentators
Alex EastRise Luscious Malfoy
Chitty-Chitty Jiang-Jiang
Lillian “The Bard” Sweet Mee Mee TullyTubbie
Arts and Crafts Paint In Alley Berry Charming Queen Victoria *
Security Cameras Kastan Night
Editors of Graphic Content Noah Horndog Tom Ghost
Good Sports Patrick Star Kailash Sunny-D * Andrew Yang
We are gathered here today in spirit to reminisce upon the glory of the late great medium-weight Remmel Rubsomemen Remmington. Or it might be Rubsomemen Remmel Remmington... Who’s to say? Either way, as the writer of the one-sided discussion, I have the power to selectively share an abridged version of Rem’s history (the complete list of his accomplishments could fill several volumes of this newspaper). Rem, rem, rem. Rem, rem. Where to begin? I suppose, as with all good stories, the nativity seems like a natural starting point. Especially for a natural birth like Rem’s! As his mother wandered into the natural springs near their farm, the local midwifes claimed they had never seen a baby as “smooth, but in a bad way. Like borderline creepy-smooth, you know?” as Rem. Strangely enough, even after years of development, he never managed to shake these identifying characteristics. After this miracle, Rem’s childhood became the quite lit-
eral definition of perfection. The Remmingtons were an incredibly close family. His parents smiled adoringly as Rem entertained himself in the local Arcansaw amenities. He spent his hours wandering through the family crops, babbling in bubbly brooks, tickling local bears and laughing with his servants. During all of these adventures he entertained himself by humming, and quickly this talent developed into his deepest passion. Rem’s voice became his best friend. Hours, days—nay, centuries passed as he fell in love with his own musical sounds. These decade-long episodes of melodic drawl were interrupted only be episodes of “Adventure Time,” the only show other than “Duck Dynasty” in his county. At this point, you may be wiping away tears, either from laughter, sadness or jealousy: regardless, stay tuned, because the true magnificence of Rem began with his arrival at Andover. A wee freshman with bright eyes and slicked back hair, Rem immediately made a name for himself as a tri-varsity athlete.
His varsity jacket, embroidered with “R.R.R.R.R.?,” proudly bears the symbols for the girls’ soccer team, squash soup and, of course, cluster ultimate. Rarely does the Admissions office manage to recruit such talent in one prepubescent child! Quickly the student body recognized the divinity in their midst and reached out to Rem. The sheer number of accomplishments, including the “wellpaced” senior award and “back rubber at giving and getting back rubs,” never ceases to amaze me. Of course, his most significant and well-known achievement was his ascension of the Featuresland throne. During his reign, Rem printed some of the most remarkable jokes any Phillipian had ever seen. It has been very stremuous to say goodbye to Rem. His presence was followed by laughter, love, and a faint, lingering whiff of something unidentifiable. I will miss you terribly. -Ellie
On-the-line
Propaganda
No Land Crawfish Garden of Eden Living Stone
Subscriptions Cameron Berry
Cartooning
Darth Viviane Katie Weasel
*Denotes Innovation Station
Oh, hello there, readers! We didn’t see you there. We were so caught up chortling in fantastical Featuresland that we almost forgot our immensely popular fanbase scattered throughout campus and the whole world. You see, from our perspective as the King and Queen of Features, the actual number of Phillipian subscriptions is a mere triviality. The number of readers means about as much to us as a sixpence does to King Henry the CXXXVII. For the Royal We, the currency of Featuresland is definitively in laughs and chuckles. We aim to disperse pockets of humor throughout the universe. We strive to manipulate knee-slapping hilarity into small nuggets of ink on paper. We struggle with lactose intolerance. But we have digressed: you see, dear readers, this Phillipian marks the first issue of our reign. For the many of you who have just stood up and cried, “King Jake and Queen Rem are Dead! Long Live King Ellie and Queen Jack!”: please, restrain yourselves. Your sentiment of loyalty is pure, but you risk damaging our already-delicate reputation. Instead, we humbly beseech you readers to demonstrate your allegiance by continuing to read the tales of Featuresland, to carry on skipping past the dull, monotonous sentences of ews and instead electing (not a president, dear God!) to entertain yourself with the amicable jokes we print on the weekly. Much love, King Ellie and Queen Jack
Overheard in the Newsroom Positive HOSD!
Medium
Bittersweet board turnover
Negative
A week of HOSD Andover blues.
Featuresland welcomes all letters to the King and Queen. We try to print all letters, but because of space limitations, we only accept the letters ‘x’ and ‘g.’ We reserve the right to change the fonts of all submitted letters to conform to aesthetic standards. We will not publish any anonymous or overused letters, including (but not limited to) ‘e,’ ‘s’ and especially ‘t.’ Please submit letters by the Monday of each week to buzzbrainy@gmail.com or to our newsroom in the basement of Morse. If you want to subscribe, have a confidential talk with a trusted adult and reconsider your life. All contents of Featuresland copyright 2014, The Trustees of Phillips Academy Andover, Inc. Reproduction of any material herein must be immediately reported to PAPS and the science department because oh my god how can a newspaper reproduce???
PHEW! Finally Well, sure took him long enough! Even though Jake was easily the least experienced member of the board, we here in Featuresland have been itching under his yoke since day one. That being said, I know part of me will miss him. In a way, Jake is like a visiting family member on campus: you hate ‘em while they’re here, but miss them when they’re gone. Jake is a tough one to describe in words. Before writing his eulogy, I was asked to thoroughly read his will. After several chapters of how to handle his various “Gossip Girl” CD collections postmortem, I finally struck gold. The kid cleverly included clause regarding the unlikelihood that the separation from Featuresland would kill him and specifically asked, “Darling Ellie, should the parting from Features overwhelm me, in my final eugoogaly, please roast me like a kosher chicken.” Interesting. Of course, anyone reading this must be aware that Jake died from disappointment after Andover opened a liberal charity, but I considered the two similar enough to apply this same request to his eugoogly. And I have to admit, have been a tad excited to write this roast: who wouldn’t be? This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to comically insult Jake, without having
to deal with the normal consequences (an awkward minute of sulking silence as he thinks of a mediocre comeback, followed by more sulking and then just blatant insults). However, weirdly enough, after 20 minutes of just staring at my computer screen and humming his favorite old Kanye songs absentmindedly, I realized I couldn’t do it. I just can’t roast Jake. Not because I can’t think of any of his flaws—quite the contrary. It’s because in reality, roasting Jake would be like dropkicking a baby pigeon. And then shooting it midair with a paintball gun. It’s just that easy; if I’m not careful, it could hurt his still-developing wings. That’s why I have decided in this eulogy instead to defend Jake, and spur off the “haters” who
have verbally tortured this young, ailing fledgling since his first chest hairs in ninth grade (his wings weren’t the only late bloomers). To start with, I’d like to publicly denounce some of the well-known rumors about Jake. Furthermore, I would like to disband any aspersions cast upon Jake’s intelligence. No, he was not a dumdum, and yes, he did eventually pass his English class. Rumor has it he also disproved Darwin’s theory of evolution in his bio class last year! LOL (lots of love), -Ellie