B8
The Phillipian
FEATURES
February 7, 2014
FEATU RES GETS SAUCY Time for a Good Roastin’!
Upper (Wo)Management To begin, we would like to offer our sincerest condolences to everyone in this section—we are here for you. If you ever need a shoulder to cry on or a friendly hand to play thumb war with, then you know where we sit. That said, we Feech Editors would like to announce that we both J’aime Chen a lot. Her strong build and drive will help her survive these rough times. We could not be more excited to watch her t’Ryan her luck as EIC (Extremely Icky Child). Remember you’re on Upper Management and not micro management; either way, you’ll be Goulden. We know the three of you are going to kill it (“it” referring to the typical newsroom buzz). We have a lot of faith in you guys. Oh, and you too, Smellie.
Sadly, we here at Features were forced to turn down the several offers to become King and Queen of The Phillipian, in addition to Featuresland. Though we were touched by the support, the mere thought of leaving an art as delicate and nuanced as Features to a lowly pair of inexperienced Andover students was out of the question. That being said, neither of us really knows what this famous application looked like. Judging by the new Upper Management group, it probably wasn’t an eighth as bad as they told themselves it was. We imagine the app looked something like this list of yes-or-no questions: Do you solemnly swear you are willing to trade your soul to the devil? Are you willing to sacrifice your social life? (not ap-
plicable to most candidates) And last but not least: who’s cuter, Jack or Ellie? Now, it is true that being on Upper Management allows you to become a leader of the community’s voice and all. But wait
and watch: soon the sleep deprivation will set in, and you will slowly and painfully morph into something barely better than a delirious zebra just discovering he is black with white stripes.
S.ELFIE/THE PHILLIPIAN
T.B.T. to every Thursday ever
U.M../THE PHILLIPIAN
Upper Management celebrating the First Thanksgiving
Sports
Copyie
So Sports, we want to thank you. Without your overly-large photos, The Phillipian would lose the readership of the 15 to 20 semi-literate athletes who scan the paper for their pictures every week. You guys are a real chip off the ol’ ice rink. What would we do without Sports? From providing vital statistics about the girl’s JV3 basketball escapades over their twitterfeed “@datsportzteam” to carefully choosing the Mathlete of the week, you can’t sub out these guys. When Andrew Zheng ’15 received a concussion from an unfortunate accident while covering the underground boxing club’s championship, he kept up the fight. Before hitting the mat, he exclaimed, “I’ll do anything for the team, coach!” Kailash Sundaram ’15 and Pat Daly ’15 are equally dedicated. With painstaking care, they examine each and every one of the Curling team’s matchups and
Z.OMBIELAND/THE PHILLIPIAN
Reasons CXXXVII is Better than CXXXVI
10. Bigger and better newsroom speakers! 9. We r litterit.
8. We hate romanesco, but love cauliflower.
Editors in the Arts section have a magical touch. Metaphorically, Arts editors can see something like a zombie, grab a paintbrush, and turn that supernatural phantom into colors and warmth. Arts editors can seize a pile of rags, spiff them up, and instantly create a look of the week. It’s that easy for them, and you know why? Because that is what they do with students every week.
But in reality, Arts just wants everyone to get along like we used to in middle school. Arts just wishes we could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy. And after everyone ate and was happy, Arts would describe the event with vivid, colorful, brilliant, radiant, vibrant, dazzling, glittering, sunny, glowing adjectives.
Visuals Fun fact: behind every newspaper there is a team of dedicated, talented and tech-savvy kids. Behind all of those clever kids are a multitude of screens: computer-screens, camera-screens and pounds of unnecessary sunscreen. And behind those screens? Who can say. Publicly, this group is known as “visuals.” Although they tend to slip under the radar, the Royal We of Features considers visuals to be the second
their articles. They don’t mind that they are oftentimes relegated to the wasteland we now call the middle of the paper. Fun fact: in a recent survey, only i percent of the readers even look at the middle of the paper. Yes, you have read that right, these readers are indeed imaginary. Still, they put the news in newspaper. For now at least: the Featurespaper is still waiting for Upper Management’s approval.
TOP TEN
Les Miserables (a.k.a. Arts)
How crafty!
If Features is the heart of The Phillipian, then these champs are the paper’s heartless souls—or its small intestine, whichever you prefer. Their literary skills are only matched by their critical abilities. More powerful than Hercules himself, they time and time again manage to get all of the stories around campus—almost. Gifted with incredible resilience, they do not care that readers may or may not read
cross-reference their findings with entries from the premier Sportzfanz9000 Everybody makes misdatabase. Their work has earned them takes. Everybody has those a nomination for the coveted Canadian days. Noble prize. We wish them the best of Except for copy. luck. These copy cats are the key to producing The Phillipian every week. It’s hard to roast them because they are so gosh darn perfect. Sure, they occasionally forget a letter on the front page. And yes, it is extremely hard to P.URRFECTION/THE PHILLIPIAN ignore all of those spelleeng Check out these copy cats! airers from a couple weeks back. But hey, we take what we can get! FEATURES PRESENTS Copy is tricky, because you only know a good editor when you do not see one. It is strikingly similar to love at no sight. They hide in the L.ETSGOBIGBLUE/THE PHILLIPIAN shadows of the newsroom, Spotted in Siberia... poised with a metaphorical red pen in hand. Lincoln Berry Pancake, we wish you luck in your two upcoming years. And Justine: u do u gurl. opinions at the other section editors (as well as small and adorable puppies), Commentary editors are just not the best at providing a chill time. Features once caught a certain Commentary editor, who shall remain nameless (it was Meera), luring an adorable labradoodle into the newsroom. It was not for the general amusement of the everyone, but rather so that she could yell her views on transcendental-liberalism at the poor creature! She’s one heckuva dog whisperer. I.NTENSE/THE PHILLIPIAN Believe in F=E, you dawg!
Commentary You know what they say about opinions: they are both blessings and curses. Strangely enough, we have a very similar saying here in the newsroom regarding the Commentary section. Opinions are a blessing, but that god-forsaken Commentary section is most definitely a curse. You see, Commentary drives everyone absolutely bonkers. With their use of pretentious words and captions like “progressive,” plus their habit of frequently screaming
News
most important cog of the Phillipian machine (behind arts, needless to say). People who scan the paper enjoy the visuals. They relish the pretty pictures. As do we! That being said, not even Featuresland can support the concept of a “video editor.” Talk about ‘kastan away a perfectly good masthead position. Video editor? really? This is a newspaper. PAPER. How do you expect the picture-perfect quality videos to work if they don’t N.OFILTERNOPROBLEM/THE PHILLIPIAN even fit onto the paper? Team Visual sneaks into the bathroom for a selfie... again.
7. It’s obvious: we are much better-looking. 6. “Legitimate” business board. 5. Our 3D newspapers are on the way. 4. Ellie and Jack are on it. 3. Do not feed the wild animals. 2. VII is a lucky number in certain Mesopotamian cultures. 1. We learned from the best.