B4
CRITICAL REEDIN’
8
CollegeBoard
June 8, 2014
8
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Section 8
Time - 0.02 min 2,014 Questions
Turn to Section 68.6 of your answer sheet. Did you do it? Yes? Idiot. You’re so gullible.
NOTES
Directions: For this section, treat it like every other test ever and just answer the questions. It isn’t that hard. You may use any available space for scratch work, doodling The Phillipian logo, writing haikus, swearing in foreign languages, brainstorming top tens, etc. 1. The use of a calculator is permitted, but under no circumstance are you permitted to use a watch. You could save formulas on those. 2. All numbers are real numbers. If you see an imaginary number, calmly put down your pencil, raise your hand and allow your proctor to escort you to the nearest psychiatric ward. 3. Figures that accompany problems in this test are intended to confuse you. They are drawn as accurately as possible to resurface traumatic memories of dark hours spent in geometry. 4. All figures have scales, EXCEPT when it is stated in a specific problem that the figure is not drawn with scale. In this scenario, the figure will wrap itself with fur to maintain body warmth. 5. The figures are alive. 6. Unless otherwise specified, assume that the domain of any figure is its natural habitat. Keeping that in mind, please respect the figures’ domains and clean up after yourself.
1. If Ellie has five cuts and Jack has four cuts, which of the following is ALWAYS true? Like always.
6. What can you make of
(A) (B) (C) (D) (E)
They done goofed up. They are both cut-ies ;) Neither is having a parietal Friday night. They cut too much slack, have an insufficient remainder. Rob, the traitor, has 0 cuts.
2.
(A) Give it to all the attractive children, sweets are the last thing those ugly kids need. (B) Tell the kids to go away so he can eat the candy himself. (C) Run a little competition we like to call the “Hunger Games.” (D) Give it to the popular kids, cause then maybe he can hang with them. (E) Equally! 4. Which of the following lines is straightest? (A) (B)
(C) (D)
(E) Not enough information. (Hint: this is not the right answer.)
5. What is the best method of distributing the candy mentioned in number 3?
S
P
V
T
R
Note: Figure not drawn with scales. Avoid contact at all costs.
3. If Jack has 100 pieces of candy, and he sees 30 hungry children, then what would be the best way to divide them?
Q
PQR, pictured below?
(A) (B) (C) (D) (E)
(A) a ship
(B) a Deathly Hallows sign
(C) a mountain range
(D) a hat
(E) Chastity Belt Buckle
7. Mike has a sack of marbles. In it, he has four green marbles, five red marbles, six yellow marbles, seven mixed marbles and seven ultra-violet marbles. Which of the following is a correct statement about Mike and his marbles? (A) Mike has bigger marbles than Ike. (B) Mike often leaves dates to play with his marbles. (C) Mike collects marbles. (D) Mike likes Ike. (E) Mike has lost his marbles.
8. Jeremy begins at point A and walks two miles east to point B. He then turns, travelling north for three miles to point C. Finally, Jeremy turns again and travels two miles west to point D. Why the hell didn’t Jeremy just travel north one and a half miles originally, going directly from point A to point D?
A sketchy white van... with no windows. Ice Cream Truck ‘Free’ Fire Truck Rides The Carnival Ruckus House Hire the Pied Piper. (A) (B) (C) (D) (E)
His nearsightedness doesn’t allow him to walk straight The College Board told him to There is a forest full of rabid centaurs between points A and D. Who knows? Ask Jeremy! All of the above
If you are caught continuing on to the next section, there will be severe consequences. Your test score will be switched with the dumbest dumbo in the room. Yes, him. Also, we’ll tell your mom.
CollegeBoard
June 8, 2014
5
5
WRITING (4 FEATURES)
5
Stop reading this and focus on your test. Your time is running out, adn this score could change your entire future. Why are you still reading this.
Section 5
B5
5
Time - summertime! 20 Questions. Your turn. This is a reminder to be using a #2 pencil. If you are not using a #2 pencil, pack up your things and leave immediately. Directions: For this section, you will be graded on your ability to creatively fill in the bubbles on your answer sheet. You have 20 minutes to create a drawing. You will be graded on your clarity, humor and originality. Remember, only fill one bubble per row. Only. One. Each sentence below has one or two blanks, each blank indicating that something has been omitted. You may not know this, but printing ink is fairly expensive. The dots saved us a ton of cash money. Choose the word or set of words that, when inserted in the setence, best describes how you feel right now.
4. In a rush to get out of her house, Cinderella left her ----- in the ------.
EXAMPLE: Hoping to ------ , the freshmen held a photo shoot in the Cochran Bird Sanctuary that they felt would be perceived as -------. (A) fit in . . “totally cute! Post it post it post it!” (B) change their profile pictures . . soo artsy (C) appear nature-y . . nature-y (D) take pictures for Features . . endearing. Oh, youth. (E) survive . . “ah! A bear!!”
1.
2.
Orville Redenbacher popcorn...in the microwave phone. . litter box pepper spray . . spice cabinet slipper . . bedroom keys . . house
The following sentences test your knowledge of out-dated, useless grammar rules that no one uses in real life. Each sentence contains no more than one error, but most have one example of a pretentious fake rule that hardly exists. The error, if there is one, is underlined and lettered. If the sentence contains an error, circle it and stab your paper until it disappears. Consider the grammar with the rules of the English your pretentious sister corrects you on.
Finding out that your ------ has been ----- really sucks.
(A) (B) (C) (D) (E)
EXAMPLE:
(A) Phone . . sending your texts to your mom (B) Roommate . . tickling himself (C) Dorm . . sharing your toothbrush (D) Sister . . stealing your lipgloss (E) Pregnancy test . . lying
Me and him went to the store to eat; we was so for hungry for bananas; now he tossed banana to I! Yummy in my tummy! No error
The party was totally radical, dude, but then ----- and the fun was
ruined. (A) Jake Marrus came (B) The PoPo (Editor in Chief) came (C) The girls left because Jake Marrus came (D) Your parents woke up (E) A few too many ambulances arrived
3.
After another dull night in the den, Riley ------------------------------ --in the SAB closet.
(A) (B) (C) (D) (E)
5.
Yooooo broski, that tilt was so toootally raadical broski! No
error.
6.
Simba and Ariel went on a date under the sea, thus completing
the circle of life. No error because we can feel the love tonight.
Packed up her board game and hid it Made out with Gunga Hid the evidence played hide-and-seek with her roommate ate stolen mozzarella sticks
The passages below are followed by questions based on their content; questions following a pair of related passages may also be based on the relationship between the paired passages. Are the passages serious? Are the passages complicated? Are they in a civil union? Answer the questions on the basis of your gut. Trust your gut: sometimes the answers are implied in the passages, but never stated. The grading on this test is completely subjective. 1. Both passages call attention to which aspect of the Blue Book?
Passage 1
6
The twentieth-century administrative classic, known as the “Blue Book,” outlines the rules, regulations and nightmares that uphold the community in this lovely place I’m trapped in. It’s sNOw joke; the Blue Book really is important. Students everywhere read the Blue Book when they need to brush up on their disciplinary guidelines, are debating school policy or can’t fall asleep. I’m so proud of myself that I wrote the novel after 30 years of thinking about all the loopholes these little pumpkins might find. You wanna play spike ball? Sure, but not on any grass or part of campus! You thinkin’ about bikin’ around without a helmet? Try again, even if it’s technically legal in the state of Massachusetts! The most recent version of the Blue Book, Volume LXXXVIVIIII, is by far my favorite. Complete with emergency response procedures and a map of campus, the Blue Book comforts me like nothing else. It’s the slippers to my Dorothy, the bow to my Katniss; you get the point. I hope (and secretly think) that all students love the Blue Book just as much as I do. Thank God for rules! Next year, I want to add a bit about smiling... I’ve been seeing too much of that lately....
Passage 2 The following passage reflects the views of the student body as a whole. The Blue Book? You mean my math textbook? I love math. Oh, you mean the BLUE book! I prefer the indigo book, myself, but to each their own, amirite?
STOP
(A) (B) (C) (D) (E)
Its predatory nature. The metaphysical philosophy it discloses. Its importance in student affairs. The cheat sheet on getting into college!! The parietal rules, which we always obey.
2. The author of Passage 2 would most likely regard the phenomena described in lines 1-6 in Passage 1 (“It hung... Mona Lisa” as
(A) (B) (C) (D)
A violation of human rights. A vehement protest against plastic surgeons. Absolute nonsense. A detailed weather report.
(E)
Something else.
3. In line 6, “debate” most nearly means
(A) Screaming match (B) Monologue (C) Disagree-with-me-and-I’ll-make-you-sorry! (D) Philomathean Associateship (E) *Cmon, take de bait!*
4. What is the main argument of the second passage? (A) The Phillipian needs a math lesson. (B) Will you go to Prom with me? (C) Dogs are better than cats. (D) STMIV (E) And she’s climbing the stairway to heaven.
If you finish before time is called, then you probably cheated. You think you’re so smart, don’t you? You think you’re too cool for school? Well I got a newsflash for you, amigo: you aren’t.