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The Phillipian
THE BUTCHER
February 8, 2013
Features Has Got Beef So clear out your meat lockers
Dearest Readers, I had a dream, and in that dream, I had another dream, but in that dream I saw a world where people would read The Phillipian and laugh out loud, not at Features, but with Features; not out of pity for Hemang and Pearson’s feeble attempts at humor, but at actual jokes, grown-up jokes. I don’t simply want people to laugh, I want people to cry tears of joy; I want people to pop blood-vessels in their faces and pass out; I want air-traffic control to file a formal complaint about the number of unauthorized ROFL-copters in the greater Andover area; I want people to stand up and scream “YES! This is Funny!” at the top of their lungs as they thrust their fists into the air; I want people to feel inclined to make someone else’s day better; I want park rangers around the country to rise up and say “Enough! I will allow bears to eat our trash. We don’t need it, we threw it away in the first place! I’m sure they would enjoy a nice snack every once and awhile.” This is my dream. I am truly passionate about brightening peoples’ days through laughter and I look forward to this coming year. I hope you will join me in this endeavor because I cannot do it alone. The dog days are over and we are young, so don’t you worry child, because some nights, despite my frickin’ problems, I’m so excited and I just can’t hide it. Take care. Casually, Remington R. Remmel Features Editor, CXXXVI
Commentary
Let me pose to you a question: Would you, hypothetically of course, be friends with someone who tells you that you’re wrong in the most condescending way possible? No? Oh. That actually explains a lot. Completely natural segway: What’s up with Commentary? No, seriously. I’ve never read it. Oh you haven’t either? Then why do I even print it? Does that not seem like a huge waste of paper to anyone else? I need to save paper where I can with this global crisis and all! Someone should really write a Commentary article on this problem. What I’m trying to say is, in our opinion, this section should be removable in case, for any reason, someone needs kindling, an example of how not to make friends, or something to protect their hardwood floors while potty-training Sports Editors. But I’m sure Katia, Joey and Makenzie will do a great job with Commentary. The sad truth, however, is that the previous statement isn’t a compliment.
Upper Management I’ve got to give it up to these guys, it’s really brave of them to give up their social lives in exchange for sleepless lonely nights. Oh what? They didn’t give anything up? That can’t be right. They never had a social life? And their nights were already sleepless and lonely? Oh wow, I never would have guessed..... Buckle up for safety readers, fasten your socks to your feet, replace your universe with some shatter-proof glass, get your mind a wind-breaker, because what this group lacks in general knowledge of journalism they make up for in artsiness. Fact: Stephen’s favorite drink from the den is unsweetened tea. Fact: ¾ of CXXXVI’s Upper Mangament owns a jean-jacket. Fact: Stephen wishes he could wear horn-rimmed glasses. Have you ever seen any of them wear sneakers? I know I haven’t. Oh except for Stephen. His are pretty hard to miss. They’re the shoes Asics made before they
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realized the market for clown shoes just wasn’t profitable. The point of this all is that I don’t want y’all to be surprised when The Phillipian turns into a picture-book. I’m not even sure Stephen knows how to read. Oh photojockies.
News
News, news, news (I say while solemnly shaking my head). It’s a really tragic story. They work so hard, they even get the front page every week, but they just cannot get anybody to read a single word. First in the pages, last in our hearts. This dynamic duo is pretty much just like all the other news editor pairs except for that Andrew is a Waterbender and Emma is a Firebender. The fact of the matter is that they could probably turn out a halfway decent News Section if they weren’t always practicing their “bending” down in the newsroom. Anika and Janine can’t bend anything, so they got the axe. They’re in a better place now. I also wouldn’t count this pair out for CXXXVI couple of the year. Just sayin’. “Opposites Attract” may not be a good theme for a student run talent show, but their fire and water relationship keeps everyone else on the edge of their seats. Will they? Won’t they? These two are dripping with some real steamy entertainment value. Oh yeah, and C.FRASER & J.LEE/ THE PHILLIPIAN there’s Sydney.
Photo
This is a story of underdogs and deserters, foreigners and Iowans, fresh meat and some really seasoned meat, spanning from Moscow to Beantown, widening horizons and apertures alike, cropping out the bad and leaving less bad, less love, still some lust, a good amount of layout and a clear lack of laying out. This is photo. I really admire the talent of Scott, Emmie and Zoe. They’re a humble bunch and I know they wouldn’t admit it themselves, but they push the shutter button so well. They’ve got the fastest shot this side of the Mississippi. The flashes need to stop though. They just have so much fun. None of us want to ruin it by letting them in on the fact that C.CHENG & S.GREEN/ THE PHILLIPIAN I could take better pictures with our phones. EvAnd I know what they’re thinking, “Look how big eryone has an iPhone these days. So I humor them. my camera is. I’m cool. Right?...Right???”. Talk to us Next time you see one of them carrying their camera when your Cannon 5d Mark III can support Temple over their shoulder, take a look. They look so proud. Run 2. Oh photojockies.
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Reasons Why CXXXVI is Better Than CXXXV
Arts
If I know one thing, Features and Arts haven’t always gotten along in the past, mostly because Features has relentlessly picked on them like a high-school bully. Maybe these analogies will help explain the relationship: Arts is to Features as a salmon is to a bear, as candy is to a baby, as a baby is to a candy thief, as a candy thief is to any mature human-being, as any mature human being is a bear. But I have to give them credit, they are charged with an impossible task, to make the unappetizing slightly more appetizing, the unappealing appealing enough and the unsensual really, really sensual. Jenna and Stephanie are ironically enough, the unsung
Sports
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10. Less voluminous hair N.NG/ THE PHILLIPIAN
heros of song, art and foodstuff. If people didn’t read Features like they don’t read Arts, I don’t know how I could motivate myself to make it down the Morse stairs everyday. So bravi Arts. Bravi. If you take one thing out of this, I want you to remember that Features appreciates and admires the majesty of all bears much more so than I appreciate Arts. Where do I even start. In any conversation with Taylor, James or Michael, no matter what the topic, you will find them saying things like, “I had such a great day benching”, “What kind of protein powder do you use?”, “What’s an Oxford comma again?” or “I think I have fleas.” The first words that come to mind when I think of these three are: hyper, simple, docile, loyal. If you need someone to go on a run with or just a friend to play catch with, these three could be your best friends. Zoe does their layout and Luke and Natalie do their editing, so what do they do? No one really knows. But I still keep them around. After I potty-trained them there really wasn’t any reason to get rid of them. They come and go as they please. And boy, do they love getting treats. But if you want them to take a bath, forget about it.
9. More neon hair 8. We’re expanding with More land. 7. Double the Arts, double the fun 6. No more Sophia messin’ around in my layout 5. More jean jackets (i.e. one jean jacket) 4. Two and a Half Men News Editors 3. “Connie” and “Nicole” 2. We’re not a cult... yet. 1. We learned from the best.