FEATURE
A PASSIONATE PURSUIT NAVIGATING THE SEASONS OF SEX
BY RON & ANN MAINSE
I
n the 1960s there was a popular song recorded by The Byrds that riffed on a famous passage from Ecclesiastes. The song proclaimed, “To everything there is a season” and went on to quote the wisdom of the Biblical book by pointing out that life and love are cyclical. We all experience the highs and lows of life over time… and this is especially true in marriage. Young or new love is intense. Gary Chapman’s famous book, The Five Love Languages, describes this initial phase of the love relationship as a kind of insanity — we are consumed and obsessed with the object of our passion, and we can’t imagine anything ever changing. We’re in love. Newlywed couples revel in the wonder and fun of their sexual relationship and can’t get enough of each other. They’re in a season of intense physical and emotional pleasure. However, every couple who has passed at least the 10year mark in their marriage can attest to the fact that things change over time, and the sexual side of the relationship is part of that change. The hot passion of early marriage mellows into something much different as time passes. The intensity wanes; the frequency diminishes, and you may be tempted to sing a few bars from the song, You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin’. But has the love diminished, or is something else going on? Psychologists point out that human beings consistently seek out the new and the novel in life — we’re hardwired to get bored, it seems. It’s one of the ways we learn as children, always looking for adventures and new ways to have fun. And that doesn’t change as we age. In essence, we get bored easily when we’re kids, and we get bored just as easily when we’re adults. If our natural inclination is
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to turn away from the boring, it stands to reason that the sexual part of the marriage relationship might eventually suffer from the same problem. However, it doesn’t have to. As we learn how to navigate it effectively, mature sex can be the source of a deeper emotional connection and greater physical satisfaction than we ever thought possible. Another factor to consider in the seasons of sex in marriage would be our physical changes over the years. When a couple welcomes a baby into their marriage, it may have serious effects on the physical side of their relationship. Mom is exhausted, and sex may be far from her mind; Dad may be perplexed about what to do in this new role. His needs and desires haven’t likely changed; hers have. It can be confusing and frustrating for both spouses. If they are wise enough to handle this change with patience, understanding and love, they can successfully navigate it. Eventually they settle into this new routine, this new normal, and find a way to accommodate their physical desires with the demands of parenting. However, once the kids have grown and are ready to fly the nest, Mom and Dad may be looking at each other with renewed interest… it’s “a time to love.” Their house may be empty but their sex life may benefit from a freedom and a fullness they thought was lost forever. During this new season of sexual fulfillment, it’s important to acknowledge that sexual urges and abilities diminish and change with time. Where once in our 20's we were ready, willing and able at a moment’s notice, with age we may need more advance notice, some time to do the “groundwork” as it were. We all know the phrase, “the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.” It can be an apt description in this case.
