NO MAN IS AN ISLAND
FROM FRICTION TO FRACTURE
WHEN TO CALL A COUNSELOR BY NEIL JOSEPHSON
W
hen Sharol and I were marriage pastors at a large church in California, we lived next door to a pair of lawyers… divorce lawyers! We became pretty good friends with Pat and Sandy and in one of our conversations about marriage and divorce, we asked them if there was a common denominator in all the couples they worked with. They said, “Sure. They all got on their issues way too late.” That was 12 years ago, but we have never forgotten that conversation, and to this day we continue to encourage couples to seek third-party help. Here’s the why, when and how of reaching out in order to grow a stronger, lasting marriage. Why a counselor? Because we all need some help from time to time: • We call a tradesperson when we have something we don’t know how to fix; • We call a medical person when we are in pain or distress of some kind; • We call an expert when are trying to get better at something but feel stuck. These are the same reasons we can and should connect with a counselor: • When we are stuck at a certain stage of our relationship — dealing with the same issues over and over. • When we are experiencing pain and distress caused by a breach of trust, grief, mental illness, stress or any one of a host of issues, a
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a fracture in the relationship, it’s even more important to seek assistance immediately. The sooner the intervention, the smaller the damage and the quicker the recovery. And remember this — no matter how late in the MANY COUPLES game you think it is, never DELAY SEEKING give up hope. The common When? The short answer is “now.” denominator in divorce is HELP BY Perhaps you’re feeling that one or both spouses DOWNPLAYING a little friction in your lose hope. People often tell THE ISSUE, relationship and you’ve us their marriage ended been trying to address because of this or that but TELLING it, but the friction just the interesting thing is THEMSELVES won’t go away. It’s time that we have seen other IT ISN’T THAT to seek some help before couples overcome the the friction turns into a very same issues. BAD OR THAT IT fracture. Many couples The difference is WILL SOON GO delay seeking help by this — the couples who AWAY. downplaying the issue, ultimately reconciled telling themselves it isn’t never lost hope, they kept that bad or that it will soon go away. pushing forward and they didn’t do Some couples delay due to it alone. They reached out and found pride — a sense that only weak people the help they needed. need help — or due to shame — the This is a good thing, it is a God belief that it’s a personal failure to thing and it is a necessary thing… need help from others. These are because no man is an island. unhealthy and unbiblical positions. 1 Peter 5:5 says “God resists you when you are proud but multiplies grace and / NEIL JOSEPHSON is the National Director favor when you are humble.” Don’t wait with FamilyLife Canada.Neil, together with for your spouse to go first and don’t his wife Sharol, lead FamilyLife Canada. concern yourself with what others Neil loves to learn, teach and write about might think. Lay down your pride, anything related to marriage, family and be humble and admit that something Christian discipleship. Married since 1982, is going on and you need assistance. Neil and Sharol have two great sons, two And do it now. awesome daugther-in-laws and three of the If the friction has already created sweetest grandchildren ever. counselor can provide short-term support and longer-term strategies for good health. • And a counselor can be helpful even when we are doing well but just want to stay healthy and keep growing.
