Love for Life (January/February 2013)

Newsstand Price CDN $4.95

january – february, 2013

Love for Life emotional affairs: the dangers are real communication breakdown: making sense of he said/she said bedroom maintenance: keys to a healthy sex life

contents

january – february, 2013 on the cover

Love for Life From perilous flirtations and making sense of “He Said/She said,” to keeping the spark alive in the intimacy of marriage, SEVEN examines some of the finer points and tougher issues of holy matrimony.

SEVEN is a Christian magazine for Canadian men that exists to help men lead more fulfilling lives and leave enduring legacies.

features 12 Just Friends…or Something More? | bill farrell “She’s really pretty. She makes me feel young, smart, and talented…

I wish my wife cared about me this much…” Exploring the dangers of emotional affairs.

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Speaking Woman Has its Benefits

| rick johnson Learning the “language of love” can be tricky—especially when husbands don’t know what their wives need to hear.

Turning Up the Heat in a Healthy Marriage

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sheila wray gregoire When it comes to intimacy, sex truly is a sacred act.

22 Ask a Counselor — Marriage Q+A | doug weiss For some issues, there are no easy answers.

Doug Weiss addresses some of the tougher questions of married life

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columns

departments

5 PK Podium Sometimes happiness needs to come second

9 Pulse Bits. Blip. Beats. Blurbs.

6 Man to Man Strong and silent makes for pretty mediocre marriage

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28 Power Play Tools. Toys. Technology.

6 The Single Life Singles in Service: A Unique Opportunity

two – A promise keeper is committed to pursuing Christ-centred friendships with a few other men, connecting regularly, understanding that he needs brothers to help him keep his promises. three – A promise keeper is committed to practicing biblical integrity: spiritually, morally, ethically and sexually. four – A promise keeper is committed to strengthening families and marriages through love, honour, protection, and biblical values. five – A promise keeper is committed to supporting the mission of his church by honouring and praying for his pastor, and by actively giving his time and resources. six – A promise keeper is committed to reaching beyond racial, social, economic, generational, and denominational barriers to demonstrate that power of biblical unity.

24 Sports Scene Tough-guy by trade, devoted husband for life

27 Out of My Depth Spiritual growth: every marriage is different 30 What Women Want The couples that pray together stay together

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one – A promise keeper is committed to honouring Jesus Christ through worship, prayer, and obedience to God’s Word in the power of the Spirit.

seven – A promise keeper is committed to influencing the world by his fervent love for God while loving his neighbour, seeking justice for the poor and oppressed, and making disciples of Jesus Christ.

26 Money Matters Saving up for happily ever after

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The name reflects the seven promises that form the basis of the Promise Keepers organization, which works with churches to minister to men across Canada.

Publisher: Brian Koldyk Editorial Director: Jeff Stearns Managing Editor: Rob Horsley

advertising John Steadman jsteadman@promisekeepers.ca 1-888-901-9700

editorial advisory board MARC BRULE: WellSpring Community Church ROB HORSLEY: ChristianWeek KIRK GILES: Promise Keepers Canada JEFF STEARNS: Promise Keepers Canada MATT BREIMER: Promise Keepers Canada

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The PK Canada logo features a maple leaf, indicating our dedication to serve the men of Canada. An arrow breaks into the maple leaf symbolizing the impact we believe God wants to see Promise Keepers and men making in our nation.

Promise Keepers Canada Box 20099 RPO Brant Hills Burlington, ON L7P 0A4 (905) 331-1830 info@promisekeepers.ca Postmaster: Please send address changes to Box 20099 RPO Brant Hills, Burlington, ON L7P 0A4

editorial 204-424 Logan Avenue Winnipeg, MB R3A 0R4 Phone: (204) 982-2060 (800) 263-6695 admin@christianweek.org Design: ’Segun Olude www.indigoinkstudios.com

ISSN 1916-8403 Cover image: iStockphoto seven – issue twenty-eight january – february, 2013 page 3

PK Podium

The Greatest Practice to Become Like Jesus Sometimes happiness needs to come second

by Kirk Giles

It was a little more than twenty years ago when I got down on one knee to ask the woman I loved if she would become my wife. Thankfully, Shannon said “yes” and our happily-ever-after began.

I would love to say that our marriage has always been perfect. The truth is we have had more than our fair share of ups and downs—much like every other married couple. We both brought our own baggage into the marriage, and we both brought our own expectations into the marriage. While pre-marital counseling was very helpful, it still did not help us fully prepare for all that we would have to work through together.

One day, while I was driving in to work, I remember praying and asking God to change some things in Shannon. In my “perfect world,” I feel like God would have agreed with me. However, the only thing I could think about is the verse from Ephesians 5—“Husbands, love your wife as Christ loves the Church…”

A short time after that, I was introduced to a new phrase in the book Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas. In this book, Thomas said, “God designed marriage to make you holy more than happy.”

For most of us, we desire happiness.

Everything we approach in life is approached with the idea of how will this make me happy. I must confess: that was the attitude I brought to my marriage. It was in these moments that I was confronted with the idea that as a follower of Jesus, my first commitment is to Jesus—not my own personal happiness.

In many marriages, including my own, couples do things to make each other happy, but often our

real motivation is to see them turn around and do something to make us happy in return. But what if they don’t? What if your spouse doesn’t want to serve you? What if your expectations of what your spouse should be like do not match who they really are?

We’ve had lots of guys over the years tell us that God wants them to be happy, and because they aren’t happy in their marriage, they are going to leave their wife.

But where does God say happiness is more important than becoming like Jesus?

God was challenging me to step up and love her in ways that Jesus would—to be gracious, sacrificial, and love her like Jesus loves His Church. I was being challenged to love her—no matter how she responded.

If I really want to be like Jesus, then marriage is the perfect place to practice it.

Shannon knows my weaknesses and my strengths. She sees me at my best and worst. Marriage is the place to learn unconditional love, forgiveness, and humility. It’s the place to learn the power of dying to parts of yourself so that together, you can accomplish so much more for the Kingdom of God. Yes, there are many times I still fail at this. However, my love for Shannon has never been stronger—and neither has our marriage. I enjoy her more for the woman God has created her to be. She has helped me become a better follower of Jesus, and if you are willing to love your wife as Christ loves the Church, your wife will help you be a better follower of Jesus as well.

As you read this edition of SEVEN, my prayer is that God will help you become more like Jesus, and that your marriage would become stronger and more joyful as a result.

Kirk Giles is the president of Promise Keepers Canada. However, his most important roles as a man are husband to Shannon and father to Carter, Joshua, Sydney and Samuel.

seven – issue twenty-eight january – february, 2013 page 5

man to man

A soul mate—not just a bed mate!

From one man to another, make time to talk

By Steve Sonderman

I can still remember the evening, more then twenty years ago, when my wife Colleen looked at me and said, “Steve, I don’t just want a bedmate, I want a soulmate.”

She went on to explain she was sick and tired of not knowing what was going on in my heart and soul. She was tired of conversations that centered on how the Packers, Badgers and Brewers were doing, or conversations that ended with me trying to fix something! She ended the conversation by asking, “Do you have a heart and if so, what is going on in it?”

Then she said, “Welcome home, what would you like for dinner?”

My guess is that I am not alone and that this conversation has been played out thousands of times in thousands of homes across the country. Being vulnerable and sharing our hearts with our wives, much less other men, can be a very difficult thing, especially because of the models we have grown up with.

• Arnold Schwarzenegger – The picture of strength and silence. The man who will not cry, will not display weakness, nor have a need.

• James Bond – The man who uses women but never gets close to any, welcoming them into his bedroom but never into the inner sanctum of his soul.

• Lee Iacocca – The self-made man, standing alone, changing corporations but not connecting with his spouse.

Each one of these examples runs in direct contradiction to vulnerability and communication in marriage. If these are not the examples to follow, then what is?

If you find opening up to your wife to be difficult task, chances are that some of your buddies feel the same way. It never hurts to talk it through with some of them.

It might make it easier hearing it from a guy’s perspective first.

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Vulnerability for men means complete emotional and spiritual truthfulness.

It’s a sharing of your heart with your spouse. It’s giving your spouse the right to know your pain, hurt, failures, fears, weaknesses. It’s dropping the guard from your soul and allowing others in on the deepest part of you.

Vulnerability will be seen in a number of different ways: • A willingness to share your Failures – you can make mistakes and you can share them with your spouse.

• A willingness to share your Fears – it’s okay to be afraid and to share it.

• A willingness to share your Feelings – let you spouse know that you are angry, that you are scared of losing your job, or sad after a death in the family.

• A willingness to learn from Others – admit that you are not the answer man, that you don’t have all of life figured out, but there are still things to learn, areas to grow, and places to mature.

I’ll finish by sharing with you two lessons I have learned throughout the past 29 years of marriage—lessons that have allowed me to move from being just a bedmate, to a soul mate.

First, I have learned that for me, as well as for most men that the small talk leads to the significant talk. Openness and vulnerability requires time. You need to schedule time when you can really talk.

One of the rhythms we have built into our marriage is to talk daily, date weekly and retreat yearly. We make it a point to talk for at least 15-20 minutes each day. We also make sure that we have a date every single week when we can talk at length about what is going on in our lives. I know that I need time to open up and Colleen understands that it takes a little time to get there. It usually starts by talking at the fact and opinion level and then gradually going deeper. Make the time!

And second, learn to identify and express your emotions. Most men, including myself, have no idea of what is going on emotionally in our lives. We have learned to suppress emotions from a very early age. Due to a particular situation in my life some years ago, I had to go through the process of learning to put words to what I felt. I can still remember the counselor giving me a three-by-fiveinch card with a list of six emotions on it that I would carry around in my pocket.

Colleen would ask, ‘What do you feel?’ and I would pull the card out and find a word to describe what I was feeling! I was clueless. But over time, I not only learned to identify what I was feeling, but then how to express them in a healthy manner.

These days, I don’t have to hide behind what I am doing, or try to copy someone else, or fake how I feel, but rather I am able to openly and confidently share with Colleen what is really going on in my heart of hearts. As a result, our relationship has never been stronger and more fulfilling. I wish the same for you.

In a trusting marriage there are some conversations that your buddies don’t need to get the inside scoop on. Private conversations between you and your wife don’t need to be public knowledge. But that doesn’t mean that they’re not going through the same issues, or that we can’t help each other out. r, because together is better than alone.

Steve Sonderman is Pastor at Elmbrook Church in Brookfield, Wisconsin and founder of No Regrets Men’s Ministries. He consults widely with churches worldwide, sharing his passion for ministry to men in every local church.

He makes his home in Borrokfield with his wife, Colleen.

the single life

Singles in Service: A Unique Opportunity A world of possibilities for “untied guys”

By Paul H. Boge

What is the purpose of being single?

Singleness isn’t always a welcomed place for men to be, especially in what can seem to be a marriage culture. While some of us see singleness as a blessing, others find it a challenge and wonder what God is up to.

The Bible teaches us that God uses single men in profound ways. Jesus is the perfect example as well as Elijah, Jeremiah and Paul, among others. These were men who found their identity not in being ‘not-married’ but in finding their relationship with God to be all-sufficient.

Men like these served God with their whole heart. They were convinced that singleness was how God chose to use them in their specific mission.

Is that how we are seeing our singleness?

Are we seeing it as a God-given opportunity to serve Him? All great single men of the Bible were sold out for God. They didn’t cram their lives full of activity in an effort to drown out loneliness, nor did they waste time by living for themselves. Instead they consistently did at least three things: they surrendered their situation as it was to God, they listened to him moment by moment, and they obeyed him in what they heard. Notice Christ’s example: Surrender – I have come down from heaven not to do my own will, but the will of Him who sent me. (John 6:38) Listening – But Jesus Himself would often slip away to the wilderness and pray. (Luke 5:16) Obeying – For whatever the Father does, these things the Son also does in like manner. (John 5:19)

seven – issue twenty-eight january – february, 2013 page 8

This is the great surrender. The chief aim of every man. The giving up of everything to be used for God’s Kingdom.

This is your shot. This is your chance.

This is your God-given opportunity to obey and go all out for Christ—to surrender, listen and obey Him to be used by Him in a way that would be different if you were married. God has a specific calling for you in being single in this moment. Just as you will have a specific calling if God brings you into a relationship.

God doesn’t promote either marriage or singleness over the other. Both are important. Both are tools that He uses.

But He uses the single man to accomplish His will in a different way than He uses the married man. God did not call Jeremiah to marriage. But He did call Joseph to become Mary’s husband.

Oswald Chambers said “God engineers our circumstances.” Does that include singleness? Sure it does!

Be encouraged—true singleness is discovering that God has uniquely ordained this time in your life to further His kingdom. God is the ultimate engineer. The question is, are we following His design or are we living for ourselves?

Still, even while listening and serving the LORD, there can be moments when that peace is challenged as the months and years continue to tick away and things haven’t yet worked out. In those times, the words of Johnny Cash can be of great help. He paraphrased the words of the Apostle Paul, who also underwent a great conversion. Paul says to us: “You are complete in Him.” Cash echoes the words of Paul when he sings:

“I’ve got Jesus and that’s enough.”

What do we need more than Jesus?

Nothing. We are already complete. And that’s the secret—finding our fulfillment in Christ. Knowing that we are loved and accepted by God as we are, without having to perform for Him to get it.

So where do we go from here?

Maybe this means getting up an hour earlier to surrender time in worshipping and listening the LORD. Maybe this means putting away the distractions in your life to make yourself fully available evenings and weekends to be used by God for His purpose—to help with the boys club, open your home to other single men, start a sports program, minister to the poor and sick.

God is waiting to tell you. He is waiting to use you. He is waiting to make His will known to you—to spend time with you.

“We are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them.” (Ephesians 2:10).

Have a look at your life.

What are the works He has prepared for you to do? What has God uniquely designed you as a single to do in building His kingdom? What gifts has God placed in your heart?

He will tell you.

Paul H. Boge is an author, a filmmaker and an engineer. He’s single and lives in Winnipeg, Manitoba.

pulse

Bits + Blips. Beats + Blurbs.

by Rob Horsley, PULSE Editor with special guest writer Robert White

“It’s almost like a no-brainer,” says Robin Mark about leading worship for Promise Keepers Canada conferences.

“I feel quite privileged to be part of Promise Keepers because of its longevity. There’s something about a work that keeps growing and impacting men.”

Traveling from his home in Belfast, Robin—best known as the composer of worship songs like “Days of Elijah,” “Revival,” and “Take us to the River”—spends the Friday afternoon of last year’s Mississauga conference rehearsing with the PK worship band, led by national worship leader Andrew Thompson.

“When I come here, these guys have every song charted and worked out. It’s a real blessing to come, start the song and find that the guys are there,” says Robin.

Besides ministering with a talented group of musicians, two other factors keep Robin coming back to Canada: the dynamic of men worshipping and listening to compelling speakers.

“Musically, you could say it’s different because of the sound of men’s voices,” says Robin about hearing 4,000 men raise their voices—and the Hershey Centre arena roof—in worship.

Robin recalls how he misread the significance of that dynamic when he lead worship in the early years of Mandate—Belfast’s version of a PK Canada conference.

A record company asked if they could record the worship, which Robin says was more conservative than Canada’s.

“I said, ‘go ahead,’ thinking ‘this will never work.

It’s not on the edge. It’s not modern. It’s not dynamic.

It’s a bunch of guys singing.’

“I have a gold disc on my wall for that album because it sold over 100,000 copies in the United Kingdom alone.

I asked how come this thing sold so much and the people responded: because it’s men’s voices.”

But Robin also feels there’s a spiritual component to the worship at a PK conference.

“Men, who are in positions of influence, are being prayed for by their wives and families and are here for purpose. If you can take that energy and have it directed in worship and praise—there’s something special about it.”

When he’s not on stage, Robin sits with the rest of the guys—in the bench area PK Canada sets aside for volunteers—listening to the speakers.

“I make a point of it,” says Robin. “And not for any other reason just to get myself blessed. And He never fails me.”

Like the year pastor Lennett Anderson spoke about leaving a legacy.

Photo by Robert White

ROBIN MARK LEADS PK MEN IN DYNAMIC WORSHIP EXPERIENCE

“He says ‘men, let me explain something: an inheritance is something you may leave, it will only go to the first generation; but a legacy is what you leave for the world. Men, make sure you leave a good legacy,’” recalls Robin. “I still remember sitting there thinking ‘I have got to leave a legacy, the best legacy I can, not just for my family but for the people in my church, the people that listen to the music’ And that legacy can be seen in the men who, during a short walk to an interview room in the bowels of the Hershey Centre arena, stop Robin to thank him for the impact his music and leadership has had on their lives.

“You realize how important doing what you do is because it has an impact on people’s lives,” says Robin.

“I have no illusions about my own skill level. God just happens to have put His hand on my shoulder and said ‘you can do this.’”

Despite the thanks, Robin’s ultimate prayer is that the men encounter and connect with God through the conferences worship—and forget about him.

“The finest moment, to me, is when people go out and say, ‘who was that guy leading worship? Ah, it doesn’t matter.’”

Robert White seven – issue twenty-eight january – february, 2013 page 9

Photo by Monkeybusiness (DepositPhotos)

AFFAIRS VS. ADULTERY: A SIGN OF CHANGING TIMES? According to American author and minister Jerry Newcombe, the word “adultery” doesn’t have the same sort of impact it once did.

In a recent column featured on ReligionToday.com, Newcombe recalls a radio interview from several years ago with J. Allan Peterson, in which he invited listeners to call in with their thoughts on the subject of adultery.

“I asked for phone callers to ring up to discuss “adultery;” no one called. Dr. Peterson suggested during the commercial break that I ask for callers to discuss their “affairs;” suddenly the board lit up like a proverbial Christmas tree. This was on Christian radio, no less.”

It turns out that fewer and fewer people are recognizing the biblical language of “adultery,” opting instead for the “sugar-coated reality” of the affair, Newcombe says, pointing out that adultery seems to carry implications of sin and guilt, whereas an affair seems reflective of “an indiscretion, a choice,” and “nobody else’s business.”

Facts like these are indicative of a culture that has made sexual promiscuity more commonplace, and one where those who adhere to it are less and less likely to come to accept Christ, says Newcombe.

“From a biblical perspective, lust battles with our very souls. I can think of people who claim they fell away from the faith because there was some alleged deficiency with Christianity. But the reality is that it was their own lust that got the better of them.”

(ReligionToday.com) http://tinyurl.com/c8jlbd9

Photo by Fr. Stephen, MSC (Flickr)

BEATS

pulse

WHEN IT COMES TO IN-LAWS, MEN AREN’T THE ONLY ONES WHO FEEL THE HEAT What to do about the in-laws—it’s an age-old problem that has made for some great TV comedy, given its relevance to many real couples. It’s made some yearn for the simplicity of the model set forth in the Bible: “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife…” (Genesis 2:24) Few modern families feature such a clean break.

Being an in-law means something much different than it did in ancient times, and men aren’t alone in dealing with the complexities. It turns out that husbands may need to keep a closer eye on how their wives and mothers relate to one another, according to an online report on mother/daughter-in-law relationship woes.

“Whatever you do, maintain my anonymity,” was the most common concern expressed by a group of women who responded to the survey at Grandparents.com.

A web article by Emily Perlman Abedon offered married women a chance to vent their toughest frustrations with their overbearing mothers-in-law, though few women would attach their names to their comments, understandably.

Concerns among married daughters-in-law ranged from “mildly annoying” to “downright destructive,” featuring common gripes like stopping by uninvited, offering unwanted parental advice, and differences of opinion on housekeeping standards.

Among the more humourous was a take on the passive-aggressive nature in which mothers have been known to give advice: “That story you love to tell about the homemade dinners your son came home to as a child always seems perfectly timed to coincide with my bringing out a store-bought dessert. Oh, and that can of Bar Keepers Friend [cleaning product] you gifted me for Christmas? I got the hint. Very subtle.”

In the end however, most wives were quick to say they appreciated and respected their husbands’ mothers despite all the occasional frustrations. Some even felt a special bond to one another, especially when discussing the fashion sense of the husband/son in question.

(Grandparents.com) http://tinyurl.com/at7gdb7

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Photo by sukisuki (Flickr)

BEATS “WIFE OF JESUS” A MODERN FORGERY Several months ago, the Internet world was abuzz with the findings of an ancient Coptic document containing language, suggesting that Jesus Christ may have been married. While the scrap of papyrus was fragmented and ambiguous at best, many jumped to the quick conclusion that “The gospel of Jesus’ wife,” as it has become known, offered conclusive proof of Jesus’ matrimony.

Christians adhering to tradition were immediately skeptical. Since the initial finding, the buzz has quieted considerably. However, a recent article in The Guardian reports that the document contains an error common to another early Coptic text.

“Andrew Bernhard, an American academic, discovered that the Jesus's wife manuscript copies a typo in one of the most widely distributed electronic copies of the gospel of Thomas. Previously, Francis Watson at Durham University had discovered that an unlikely word break in the gospel had been carried over into the Jesus's wife fragment.”

Regardless of how old the papyrus scrap turns out to be, these findings call into question the legitimacy of the words as written, given that the error is unlikely to have existed if it indeed is an ancient document.

According to The Guardian report by Andrew Brown, this discovery offers fairly conclusive proof that “The Gospel of Jesus’ Wife” is a modern forgery: a cut-andpaste job using modern “ancient language computer software,” which, as it turns out, makes it fairly easy for users to “make your own gospels,” as Brown reports.

(The Guardian) http://tinyurl.com/9mxx6d3

features

Just Friends‌ or Something More?

The Real Dangers of Emotional Affairs

Photo by theogeo (Flickr)

By Bill Farrell

features

“She’s really pretty. The softness in her voice makes me feel strong and important.

When I need her the most, she’s there and she’s so easy to talk to. She makes me feel young, smart, and talented… I wish my wife cared about me this much.”

We all agree that a sexual affair is both harmful and morally wrong— but we’re are not so clear definitive when it comes to emotional attachments. Human Our emotions are powerful and our emotional needs can be relentless.

During times of vulnerability, the temptation to connect with someone outside our marriages often calls to us with powerful delusions and deceptive promises. Once the door is opened, even the most devoted, self-disciplined man can be fooled into thinking this is actually a good idea.

It would be easy to conclude we can eliminate the temptation by avoiding all contact with any female other than our wives— but that is impractical and unrealistic is that? It’s is equally naïve to ignore the signs of an unhealthy emotional connection, though many do so to their our own peril.

So, what’s is the difference between a friendship and an emotional affair?

A friend.… . .

• Casually interacts with you in the course of your normal life.

• Is comfortable around your wife and your wife is comfortable with her.

• Does not need to see you regularly.

• is a casual part of your natural social or business life.

An affair…. . .

• Is filled with anticipation about your next interaction.

• Involves plans to meet on a personal level.

• Is a secret you try to hide from your wife.

• Makes you feel better about yourself than anyone else you know.

The Tyranny of Responsibility In performing weddings for more than 20 years, I have never heard a couple say, “We want to get married because we want to be very busy and responsible together.” And yet, it has been estimated that the average adult doubles his responsibility level every 10 years.

Soso at 40 we have four times as much responsibility as we did at 20. This is awesome when it comes to career and personal influence but it can be one of the strongest interrupters to intimacy since trust, loyalty, and attraction are cultivated with personal time.

In the midst of your busy, challenging schedule, someone suddenly appears who has the right kind of time and the right tone.

From your perspective, she understands your world, cares about you personally, and makes you a priority. If at the same time your conversations with your spouse are either demanding or boring, the new relationship takes on a complicated attraction.

Hooked on a Feeling One of the more powerful reasons emotional affairs feel so right is chemical. When a romantic relationship is new, the human body produces phenylethylamine (commonly referred to as PEA) which), which has a narcotic effect to it and produces strong feelings of attraction.

The dreamy look in your eyes, the euphoric joy when you hear her voice, and the anticipation in your gut at the thought of her— is all produced by chemicals.

PEA lowers your natural inhibition levels and hinders your ability to discern wise courses of action. It appears this chemical was designed to jump start lifelong, intimate relationships since it lasts only about 18 months. Once it is gone, it will not be produced in this same relationship again. It makes love fun, energetic, and thrilling at the beginning of your journey together.

There is another, more important chemical at play in intimate relationships called Oxytocin which produces a tenacious sense of long-term loyalty. Unlike PEA, Oxytocin can be produced repeatedly with a few rather simple activities.

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features

Just Friends… or Something More?

Any time a couple laughs together, shares mutually satisfying memories, or engages in sexual activity, Oxytocin is released in the blood system. Simple, romantic routines, therefore, keep couples connected and protect us from detrimental emotional attachments.

• “Couples who pray together, stay together” because prayer develops both a spiritual and chemical bond.

• Couples who date throughout their lives add Oxytocin producing memories to their journey regularly.

• When a couple experiences a sexual encounter they both believe was good, they emotionally, spiritually and chemically increase the bond between them.

• Conflicts that are effectively resolved become shared memories and can lead to great “make-up sex,” giving a double dose of the bonding chemical.

The problem is that most couples neglect these routines over time. They mistakenly think love is only supposed to be spontaneous so they don’’t schedule prayer, dates, conflict resolution or sex which can leave an emotional hole inside themselves. If you entertain the possibility of a new relationship, you run the risk of releasing a healthy dose of PEA, which will make this new person look more attractive, more intelligent and more compassionate than she actually is while weakening your inhibitions at the same time.

Fuel on the Fire The third contributing factor is spiritual in nature. The Holy Spirit is actively compelling us to follow His lead, embrace the truth of God’s word and apply self-discipline in a pursuit of excellence. At the same time, the demonic world is looking for ways to establish footholds in our lives that diminish our effectiveness, cloud our credibility, and wreak havoc with lifelong relationships. They do this by deception. “When he [the devil] lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.” (John 8:44) When you become vulnerable to an emotional attachment outside of your marriage, demonic forces go to work and start feeding you lies that sound really good: • “You deserve to be happy and she makes you happy.”

• “You have been working really hard and your wife doesn’t even seem to notice.”

• “You probably married the wrong person anyway.”

• “The kids will understand. After all, they are tough and resilient.

• “It isn’t hurting anyone.”

• “Nobody even needs to know. It can be your secret.”

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The problem is that actions based on lies never work out.

They lack the stability to stand up in the pressure of real life.

They eventually get discovered and create damage among everyone involved.

How do you get out of an emotional affair?

• Call it what it is. Even if sex or physical affection are not involved, an affair is an affair. To call it anything else is to deceive yourself.

• Tell the most trusted men in your life. Be honest with them and ask them to hold you accountable to your recovery plan.

“Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall” (Proverbs 16:18) so don’t fool yourself into thinking you can just handle it on your own.

• Break all contact with the person whom you have had the emotional affair. You probably won’t feel like doing this so it will need to be a gritty decision of your will. You have been playing with fire, which can only be extinguished by getting rid of email addresses, phone numbers, social media connections and any opportunities to interact. A clean break is the only way to get your heart clean.

• Tactfully tell your spouse. Sincerely apologize for your actions and give her time to ask questions. Give simple answers with a soft tone of voice. She will be hurt but if she senses you are being defensive, and will continue to wonder if it’s is really over.

• Begin praying with her every day. Keep it short but consistent.

Two minutes every day is better than 20 minutes every once in a while. Plan weekly dates. Some may cost money while others may simply be a walk in the neighborhood. Keep the conversations personal. Choose topics ahead of time if you find that you tend to only talk about kids, bills, responsibilities or the affair you are trying to put behind you.

• Do something simply “romantic’ every week. Bring flowers home for no reason. Send an email that talks about the five reasons why you are glad you married her. Leave a note in the kitchen for her to find that says, “I love you.” Every romantic gesture will train your heart to reconnect with her.

Bill Farrel and his wife, Pam, are relationship specialists who help people discover how to be “Love Wise.” They are international speakers and authors of over thirty-five books, including the best-selling Men Are Like Waffles—Women Are Like Spaghetti and Red-Hot Monogamy. Bill is also the author of The 10 Best Decisions a Man Can Make book and interactive video curriculum. Bill and Pam have three sons.

features

Speaking “Woman” Has Its Benefits A Little Affirmation Goes a Long Way Rick Johnson

Marriage is tough. Anyone who says it isn’t is either a liar or a fool. Even after 31 years of marriage, trying to understand and satisfy my wife’s needs is still a daunting challenge. And I’m sure she feels the same way about me.

But it’s even harder when you don’t communicate effectively with one another—or don’t communicate at all! Part of the problem is that the way males and females communicate seems to be diametrically opposed to one another.

Here’s just one example:

I spent a number of years as a middle school and high school basketball coach. My first several years were spent coaching boys’ teams. In order to communicate effectively with boys, one strategy I used was to yell at them. It got their attention, motivated them, and just plain felt good sometimes. I used it very effectively with all my teams. It was one of my best “coaching” tools.

So, the first year I coached a girl’s team I quite naturally used this powerful and effective communication method just like any good coach would. Within the first five minutes of the very first practice, I yelled at a young woman. It wasn’t mean-spirited, I just yelled at her like I would any other player I coached.

But she stopped, looked at me, her lower lip started quivering, and she burst

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features

Speaking “Woman” Has Its Benefits

into tears and ran into the bathroom. Stunned, I watched as the rest of the team all stopped practicing, looked at me, and leaped in tandem like a herd of gazelle into the bathroom behind her.

That incident quickly taught me that I needed to learn how to communicate differently with girls than I did with boys. And men, you need to learn how to communicate with your wives and daughters differently than you do your dad or your buddies.

First, it’s important to remember that words actually meanings to women. Generally, men tend to judge a person by his actions, not by what he says. We don’t often think too much about what we say. However, females and verbal communication for a variety of extremely important functions. They use verbal communication to develop intimacy with and to draw close to their loved ones. Notice how women go into the kitchen and talk when they first get together, or chat on the phone for long periods of time? They are bonding with one another.

Females also use words to process information. It’s one reason they are always talking; because it helps them to sift through and understand information.

Finally, they use ‘words’ to process and understand their emotions. Since emotions play a huge factor in virtually every aspect of the way a female views life, this is an important part of her world. So because women place so much value on words they tend to believe your words and take them deeply to heart—ever notice how long it takes a woman to forgive you when you lie to her?

It’s frequently difficult for men to understand and realize how fragile a woman’s psyche is and that we can easily or inadvertently crush her spirit with our words. Sometimes I think to myself, I’ve seen her pop out a baby and hardly break a sweat, why in the heck is she crying over a couple of words I said?

I’ve learned though over the years she often takes my words more seriously than I meant them.

Remember that while men get validation from achievements, women get it through their relationships. Women have a great need to hear words that validate their worth. They need to hear words that tell them they are loved and needed—especially from the men they value most (their husbands and fathers).

You’ll notice that women use a lot of words; two to three times as many as men. Many women crave compliments. She magnifies in her mind any perceived imperfections or flaws in her physical appearance. I use the word perceived because they are usually just that—figments of her imagination.

The great mystery is that even the world’s most beautiful women may think they are unattractive or have features they are insecure about. So your wife greatly needs and desires to hear

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words from you like, “You’re beautiful,” or “You are gorgeous.”

Remember: your words mean a lot to her—more than your actions do most of the time. You may think you are showing her you love her by your actions, but she needs to hear your words to believe it. She wants to know she is needed and “wanted” by you.

Most of all she needs to hear the words, “I love you.”

She needs to hear those words multiple times a day in order to believe them to be true. Don’t be the guy who got married and 30 years later said, “I told her I loved her when we got married.

If anything changes, I’ll let her know.”

One of the things I’ve heard from women over and over again is that when their husbands give them their undivided attention, it makes them feel powerfully loved. So, because most men have a difficult time focusing on more than one thing at a time, it is extremely important that we put down the newspaper, turn off the television, or shut down the video game if our wife wants to have a discussion—even a minor one! If you’re like me there is no way I won’t be sneaking peeks at the hockey game over my wife’s shoulder while she’s telling me something very important that’s on her heart.

Here’s an important point, guys—women are wired to respond physically to strong feelings of love and intimacy.

Most guys I know would love for their wives to respond physically more often. Therefore, if giving her your direct attention makes her feel more loved, and her feeling more loved leads her to feel more frisky…need I say more?

My point is, don’t be preoccupied when you talk to your wife!

Lastly, remember that the way you speak to each other actually determines the quality of your marriage. If you speak to each other in a respectful, loving, affirming manner, then those feelings will follow and be ingrained in your relationship.

But if you speak words of spite, contempt, and anger, then those feelings will rule, and eventually destroy, your relationship.

Speak to your wife the way you’d like to be spoken to.

As we seek the love that fills the desires of our hearts, always remember that we get what we give. If we want sacrificial love, we must give sacrificial love. If we desire unconditional love, we must give unconditional love. If we need forgiveness, we must extend forgiveness. If we crave passion, we must be passionate.

Love is a choice. If we choose to love, we will be loved in return. God chooses to love us despite our imperfections.

This in turn should inspire us to extend the same grace to the woman we have chosen to spend our lives with and to be the mother of our children. She deserves that much from the man to whom she has given her heart.

features

A Helpful Marriage Glossary Words often have different meanings to men and women.

Here are a few words and the definitions according to women and to men:

to women

to men

Romance

Intimacy, closeness, love

Sex

Work

Means to family survival

My identity

Dinner

A time to bond & nurture family

Food!

Church

Place of spiritual bonding

Boring

Best Friend

My lifeboat in the rough seas of life

That guy I go fishing with

Emotions

What I see life through

Messy things I ignore as much as possible

I’m Fine

I’m NOT fine

I’m great!

Photo by spaxiax (DepositPhotos)

word

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iStockphoto

features

Turning Up the Heat in a Healthy Marriage Sexy meets Sacred in Marital Intimacy

Sheila Wray Gregoire

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While the last two decades have ushered in an explosion of Internet porn, seriously messing with men’s sexuality, 2012 has wreaked havoc on women everywhere. This past year was the “Year of the Woman” when it comes to sex and culture. The “mommy-porn” book Fifty Shades of Grey became the fastest selling paperback of all time.

Magic Mike hit the big screens, beckoning millions of women to ogle male strippers. We live in a quick fix society when it comes to sex—it’s all about shortcuts to a physical high.

features

Healthy Sex is Intimate But what if the quick fix approach is exactly the wrong one? While secular counselors may laud anything that helps arousal, they’re missing something quite fundamental: sex should not be a solo act.

Indeed, the Bible doesn’t even talk about healthy sex; it only talks about a healthy sexual relationship. Sex, outside of a “one flesh” marriage, isn’t healthy or positive at all.

Chuck MacKnee from Trinity Western University teaches that intimacy is one of the primary purposes of sex: it was designed to reflect a deep “knowing” between two married people. Indeed, the Hebrew word for “know” that is found in Genesis 4:1—and Adam “knew” his wife Eve—is the same word that is used throughout the Psalms, when David cries, for instance, “search me, O God, and know my heart” (Psalm 139:23). God uses the word describing our longing for intimacy with Him to also describe the sexual relationship between a husband and a wife. Sex involves more than just the body.

That’s the premise of Tim Alan Gardner‘s book Sacred Sex. “The big O,” Gardner posits, “is oneness, not orgasm.”

Of course, it’s hard to distinguish the two, because oneness tends to lead to more orgasm, and orgasm tends to lead to deeper oneness. But the main message remains: seek only the physical side of sex, and you miss out not only on the intimacy we were designed for, but on some of the physical fireworks, too.

Healthy Sex is Passionate Unfortunately, “sacred sex” doesn’t necessarily sound—how shall I put this?— sexy. One tends to picture prudish couples praying, fully clothed, before diving under the covers to disrobe.

Healthy sex, though, isn’t ashamed of the body and it doesn’t hold back.

C.S. Lewis wrote in The Four Loves that “Eros” (Greek for romantic or erotic love) isn’t orderly or logical or proper; it’s primal, reflecting an intense desire, even need, to be consumed with the other person. If sex reflects God’s passion, and

God’s passion is intense, then our passion should be, too.

Neil Josephson, co-executive director of FamilyLife Canada, explains, “Healthy sexuality in marriage will lead to men and women who feel deeply, unshakably that they are desired, free and safe in their sexual relationship.”

An intimate marriage has freedom in the bedroom to enjoy each other’s bodies without shame. When we become more vulnerable and communicate what we want, sex is stupendous—even if it may take a few years of marriage to get all the mechanics like clockwork.

Healthy Sex is Frequent That stupendous experience is also supposed to be frequent. Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 that sex should be both mutual and regular. “Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer.” Healthy sex, then, is regular sex, and that regular sex grows the marriage.

Though sex is meant to be frequent, that’s not what many couples are experiencing. In the research I conducted for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, 42 per cent of couples reported making love less than once a week. And that’s not necessarily because she has a headache, either. Increasingly it’s the other way around. In up to 33 per cent of marriages today the wife has the higher libido. Whether it’s the influence of porn deadening the desire for sex with an actual person, or stress, or the lure of video games, men are turning away from sex, too.

Healthy Sex Reflects a Healthy Relationship All of this leads us to the final point: healthy sex reflects a healthy relationship.

Sex isn’t a thermostat, where you can just “turn up the sex” if things aren’t working in the rest of your marriage. It’s more like a thermometer, measuring the state of that relationship.

Bill Ashbee, Care Ministries Pastor for Christian Life Assembly in Abbotsford, and a volunteer chaplain with the RCMP,

says that the biggest problem he finds men have with sex is establishing trust with their wives. He explains, “She’ll wonder, ‘how can I trust him if he didn’t tell me about the latest expensive gadget he bought?” Or perhaps, ‘He didn’t bother to call me to tell me he was going to be late from work, and now I’m supposed to respond to him?’” We can’t ignore other aspects of the relationship and then expect sex to work well.

That’s because selflessness is essential to sex. And part of selflessness is understanding and valuing how our spouse approaches things in the bedroom. Physically we don’t respond the same way—men need a firmer touch; women often need things with great patience and more gentleness. For sex to work well, we have to understand each other’s bodies.

We also need to understand each other’s needs. Men make love to feel loved, whereas women need to feel loved in order to make love. That sounds like a recipe for disaster, but that’s the way God made us. And it makes sense. For each of us to get our deepest needs met, we need to reach out and meet our spouse’s needs. Even our differences are vehicles from God for a deeper relationship.

When we focus too much on the physical side of sex, it’s easy to view sex as optional in marriage. If it’s just about feeling good, and if I decide to forego that, is that really so bad? Or if I decide to get those physical needs met another way, what’s it to you?

But healthy sex is far more than just physical; it’s intimate, fun, and passionate. It’s how God designed us to connect, and when we abandon it or cheapen it, we lose out on the abundant life God planned for us.

Sheila Wray Gregoire is the author of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and the 31 Days to Great Sex challenge for married couples. You can find her and her books at www.sheilawraygregoire.com.

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features

Ask a Counsellor— Marriage Q+A with Dr. Doug Weiss No marriage is easy, and each brings its own unique set of challenges. However, some couples face very difficult and serious hurdles, oftentimes resulting in what seems like an unbeatable obstacle. Christian counselor Doug Weiss offers insights

My wife told me recently that she was sexually assaulted when she was younger. I’m not sure what I should be doing to help.

Your wife shared with you a deep, dark secret and that shows that she genuinely trusts you. Thanking her for trusting you with her secret is a great place to start. You are acknowledging her openness with you and validating that you completely heard her. She has given you a precious gift and acknowledging and validating her will show her your heart for her. Some women need assurances after disclosure and if you feel the following would be helpful for her then you can look at her in the eyes and say that you are still madly in love with her, that you think she is beautiful and that rape is never the woman’s fault.

A next great step would be to ask her what she feels she needs to be able to process and work through the trauma. A good female Christian counselor in your area as well as support groups and books can be very beneficial to her if she hasn’t worked through the trauma. Just know she is now in a process that is different for every woman and couple. This process will be unique to both of you, so be patient.

Lastly, decide early in the process who you want to be to her.

This time in her life she needs you to be patient, supportive and emotionally available. You need to realize that this time in her life is not about you, it’s about her. Being present with her though this will give her the support she needs and you can become a hero to your wife and family.

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We have been dating for almost a year. How do I know when it is time to get married?

The first thing you need to do is pray and see what the Holy Spirit is saying to you about her being the right one and this being the right time. Let Him lead you though this process. There are a few things you need to consider before you decide to get married. Being open and honest with yourself about the next few questions will give you great insight to see if you are ready to get married. If you are young and never married, consider the following: Can you live with her as she is, flaws and all, for the rest of your life? Are you willing to serve her for a lifetime without using a scoring system? Is she someone you can’t imagine life without?

Now for you personally: Do you have a job? Have you addressed any family of origin issues, pornography issues or sexual secrets or behaviors? Do you have a few strong men to help you stay accountable and married? If you feel that you can answer all of the questions and still feel ready, have a conversation with your family and your pastor then go and talk to her mother and father, as well as her pastor.

Finally, ask her what she would need to feel ready and safe to be married to you? Address these concerns with an adult couple or pastor. When you are following God, you show her and her family that she can trust your fellowship with Him all the days of her life.

Photo by Tiffy-doodle (Flickr)

Photo by Nathan Lockwood/U.S. Navy (Wikimedia Commons)

into some of the tougher questions that can pop up in married life.

features

Wow, this is a loaded question! There are a few things you need to consider about your mother-in-law before you start settling into a decision. Think about her health, her relationships with friends and her routines. If she is doing well on her own, she may prefer to stay where she is. Timing, personalities, health and wealth are all variables in a decision like this.

Another idea you need to consider is how taxing this will be on your wife and family. Consider if you have enough space so she truly has an area she can call her own. Another idea is to rotate her time between family members so you all share in taking care of her, but only use this if she absolutely is unable to live alone.

Every family deals with these issues very differently. The stages of life, the maturity level of each member of the family and their agendas can be huge. You are an in-law so in some cases you can only support your wife as she and her family decides what’s best for Mom.

What are appropriate grounds for divorce? How do I know if I should hope for reconciliation?

The only solid biblical grounds for divorce are adultery.

However, I have seen church leaders in situations of extreme neglect, abuse of a spouse, addiction or psychological disorders evaluate these circumstances per situation.

I believe as long as you are married, hope for a reconciliation.

Do everything you can for the marriage, for example; talk to your pastor, get professional help, read marriage books, attend marriage conferences. If the other person is willing to work on the marriage, work on the marriage.

However, if they will not work on the marriage and they divorce you, there is nothing you can do. If this occurs, there are many opportunities for healing after a divorce through your local church including support groups. Make sure you take plenty of time to heal and stay away from romantic relationships and leave your heart open.

A great place for you to start is to seek Godly counsel from three separate sources. First, your pastor, second, a counselor who regularly works with families of the elderly and third, several couples, consider five, who have taken parents into their home and find out what they learned in the process. This is a decision you will need to make as a family and gathering as much information as possible will give you the best chance at success.

seven – issue twenty-eight january – february, 2013 page 21

Photo by Rui Santos (DepositPhotos)

My father-in-law passed away recently. Since then, we’ve talked about my mother-in-law moving in with us. Is this a good idea? How can we make it work?

features

Ask a Councellor— Marriage Q+A with Dr. Doug Weiss

My wife is not a Christian, but I want my children to know Jesus. How do I negotiate with her on talking our kids to church?

First things first—be an awesome husband to your wife. Pray for her each day that her heart becomes softened and as her husband, demand the enemy of blindness be broken and that she would have people sent into her life to bring Christ into her heart. Love her the way she receives love; quality time, gifts, praise, touch or acts of service. Help her around the house by cleaning up after yourself and the kids. Take the opportunity to put your children to bed each night. Pray with them and read the Bible with them. You can also pray over your wife daily and offer her praise consistently.

When she sees you in consistent service towards her and your love for God (not religiosity) then it will be time for you to talk to her about taking your children to church. You can approach her on a couple of different areas. First, church is a great place for your children to learn a spiritual and moral compass. She may also enjoy time to herself on Sunday mornings and some weekday evenings. If you still have some resistance, negotiate every other week to be fair that both parent’s values are represented. If you are still blocked, suggest going to see a counselor of her choice and use the time to negotiate a plan you both agree on.

seven – issue twenty-eight january – february, 2013 page 22

It has been two years since my wife passed away from cancer. We had a great marriage. Lately, I’ve been considering dating again.

My kids are grown up, but I’m not sure how to bring this up with them. Is it too soon?

Sorry to hear of your heartbreaking loss. You have allowed two years to adequately grieve for your wife. It is also honorable that you are thinking about your children before you start dating again. However, it is not their place to give you permission.

A good place to start the dialogue into your new life is by having a face-to-face meeting with each child if possible. This is the time where it is important for them to hear that you will always love and honor their mother. But you also need to tell them that you feel it’s time to start dating again and that you hope they understand that this is the choice you’ve made. In most cases, and with this much time, most adult children will understand and want you to be happy.

If you loved well and were a good husband, you will be an answer to prayer to a woman who knows how to give and receive love. One note of caution: you’ll still want accountability when dating so that you protect the sexuality of you and your future wife.

features

I was married very young and my first marriage was a mess. I am now engaged to a beautiful godly woman. How do I make sure I don’t bring my baggage from my first marriage into this one?

Douglas Weiss, Ph.D., is Executive Director of Heart to Heart Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, Colorado. For more information visit his website at www.drdougweiss.com or send an email to heart2heart@xc.org.

Youth doesn’t make marriage a mess.

A lack of maturity, character and other issues make for a messy marriage regardless of your age. To keep this from happening in your next marriage, identify your lack of maturity, character and flawed beliefs. You will need to make sure you own 100 per cent of what your failings were in the first marriage and take this to a group of older men, your pastor or Christian counselor.

Once these men have walked thoroughly through these issues with you and you are matured by their standards, you may be ready. Remember, it’s their standards—not yours. You also need to make sure you have no secrets from her and if porn or sex issues were a problem, you communicate those clearly and seek a plan of resolution.

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seven – issue twenty-eight january – february, 2013 page 23

sports scene

features

Laurie Boschman: Twice Blessed NHL enforcer finds love in all the right places

by Scott Taylor

It’s been said that experience is the best teacher. If that’s true, it’s probably why Laurie Boschman is so good at his job.

These days, Boschman is full-time employee of Hockey Ministries International as well as the pastor and chapel leader for the Ottawa Senators.

However, there was a time when Boschman was one of the most highly regarded players in the NHL. A star with his hometown junior team, the Brandon Wheat Kings, Boschman was a first-round NHL draft pick who went on to play 14 seasons at centre with the Toronto Maple Leafs, Edmonton Oilers, Winnipeg Jets, New Jersey Devils and Ottawa Senators.

Despite a rocky start in Toronto, where he was never one of owner Harold Ballard’s favorites, Boschman finished his career as one of only 16 players in NHL history to have recorded 500-plus points and 2,000-plus penalty minutes.

In his final NHL year, he was Ottawa’s captain during the club’s inaugural season. That year, he fell in love with the nation’s capital. Thanks to good timing and his commitment to Christ, Boschman has called the city home ever since.

However, he almost never made it to Ottawa. One of the reasons Boschman was disliked by Ballard in Toronto was because of the hockey star’s personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Boschman had been born-again and Ballard believed the player’s commitment to Scripture made him soft. Considering that Boschman finished his career with more than 2,000 penalty minutes, you might suggest that Ballard had no idea what he was watching.

In 1993, after Boschman completed his one and only year with the Senators, he was approached by Don Wiens of Hockey Ministries International and asked if he’d like to come aboard. He’d been working with HMI since his time in Winnipeg in the mid-1980s, so it seemed like a perfect fit.

Since then, Boschman has been running hockey camps, clinics and schools and presiding over the Senators’ chapel.

Boschman spends hours with the players in Ottawa discussing everything from life on the road to how Scripture relates to professional hockey. Even so, he has one area of expertise that he’s learned as a result of an adult life marked by highs and lows on the hockey rink and highs and lows at home.

“Yeah, I guess you could say I know a little about marriage,” he said with a laugh. “I had a wonderful 21-year relationship with my first wife Nancy, and now I’m in the midst of a four-year relationship with my current wife, Andrea.

We have a blended family, Andrea’s three kids and my three kids, all of them between the ages of 20 and 27. It’s work, but it’s fun, too.”

Boschman’s first wife Nancy passed away after a battle with cancer in 2006.

He’s now happily married again and he believes he’s found the key to a successful relationship.

“I have been very fortunate that at two different stages of my life, I have found women who were solid spiritually and were very low maintenance,” Boschman said. “And make no mistake, our faith is very important.

“The reason I was able to survive the days, months and years after I got the

news…was my faith. That’s the foundation. Faith in Christ is the foundation for any relationship and for anything that happens inside that relationship. Faith doesn’t take away the tears and the sadness, but it gives us hope and provides us with a foundation to keep on going.”

For Boschman, his faith in Christ gave him hope during Nancy’s battle with cancer, hope as he came to grips with her loss and hope that he would have the good fortune to meet the woman who would become his second wife.

It’s that message of hope that he passes on to the young players he counsels today.

“Marriage isn’t man’s idea. It’s God’s idea,” Boschman said. “We didn’t create marriage, God did, and he didn’t make it easy. There are always pressures on married people.

“However the most important thing is this: through the scriptures, our faith gives us hope, and in a marriage, as in life, that faith can help us make a success of anything, even the most difficult relationship.

“Marriage is important,” he added.

“Marriage is not always easy, but as I tell our players, our faith can guide us through the most difficult times and give us the foundation upon which to build a wonderful life together.”

Scott Taylor is a Winnipeg-based sportswriter and broadcaster.

seven – issue twenty-eight january – february, 2013 page 25

money matters

How will you land in retirement?

It’s never too late for couples to make adjustments in saving for the future

by Karen Bjerland

A lack of money and time are the top two reasons that couples give for being unable to save for retirement. The amount of money needed in savings goes up and down throughout their lifetime. Proverbs 21:5 says, “The plans of the diligent lead surely to advantage, but everyone who is hasty comes surely to poverty.”

It’s never too late for couples to adjust their spending and saving plan in order to protect their future—ensuring a safe landing into retirement.

20 years from retirement If you have children, the 20 years from retirement time period could look very different, depending on whether or not you are saving for their education. If you had your children in your 20s, you may be a couple with an empty nest who is looking to spend some money on yourselves.

As you get closer to retirement, you may have a better sense of what you might want to do in retirement and how much it will cost for you to get there. This is a crucial time for you and your spouse to adjust spending and saving habits with a view on the future!

If a couple has a little to save: • Put away what you can. Even if it’s only $100 a month, this is a good habit to maintain and you’ll be surprised at how quickly your money can grow.

• Set clear guidelines in your home for what you can afford to pay for your children’s education. Create a plan with your children before they get to college/university age.

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• • •

•

• •

If a couple has a moderate amount to save: Avoid “midlife crisis” splurging.

Stick to your budget – especially for those big-ticket items like a vehicle.

Consult with a financial representative to make sure you are receiving the best after-tax returns on any investments.

Consider purchasing permanent life insurance.

If a couple has a lot to save: Make additional “catch-up” contributions to your RRSP. Guard against becoming accustomed to living the “good life.” Higher expenses will quickly eat up your income for retirement.

10 years from retirement This decade is when many couples really focus on saving for retirement. It’s possible that as much as 80 per cent of retirement savings get set aside during this time. Generally by this time, couples should be increasing their savings rates and eliminating their debts.

If a couple has a little to save: • You may have to consider working a few years beyond age 65. This will give you a chance to boost monthly Government benefits, build up your RRSP account and reduce the period you’ll have to rely on retirement assets.

• You may have figured out how to live on less, but don’t stop saving for retirement—and don’t give up if you haven’t started. Any little bit saved will help!

If a couple has a moderate amount to save: • Pay off any outstanding debts.

• Consider making a “catch-up” contribution to both your and your

spouse’s RRSPs. • Become more conservative with and protective of your savings and investments.

• Purchase long-term care insurance to help ensure a nursing home stay doesn’t deplete your assets.

If a couple has a lot to save: • Consult with a legal advisor to make sure your estate plans are set up and are flexible enough to withstand tax law changes.

• Speak with your financial representative about investments in addition to RRSPs and TFSAs. • Consider leaving a legacy gift.

We know that most Canadian couples are not saving enough money for their retirement. On average, $149,200 is the amount that the typical “baby boomer,” aged 60 to 62 with an RRSP plan, has saved for retirement.

In 2011, from 700 people surveyed…

• 47% said they have not saved enough to retire.

• 45% said they are not giving as much as they would like.

• 55% said they would prefer to speak with a professional advisor for advice to build a financial plan.

Although a lack of time is a top reason that couples give for not planning for retirement, do not be discouraged—there is still time. You can start by adjusting spending and saving habits immediately.

You and your spouse will be pleasantly surprised at how quickly your savings will add up so that you can land safely and confidently into retirement.

Karen Bjerland is President & CEO of FaithLife Financial.

Out of my depth

Spiritual Disciplines for a 600-Pound Troll and his Little Lady Clothes are better if they fit you, and so are spiritual disciplines

by Mark Buchanan

I rise most days at 6:30 AM. I am not a morning person.

Those two facts clash. I greet the dawn with a gimlet eye, a fixed scowl, a deep crankiness. The early hours skew me in body, mind and spirit. I want nothing more than to slink back under the rock I crawled out from.

I have long embraced the wisdom of Solomon on this matter: “If a man loudly blesses his neighbour early in the morning, it will be taken as a curse” (Proverbs 27:14). I want neither to speak nor be spoken to before, say, 8:00 AM. Even that’s pushing it.

My wife, Cheryl, is chatty in the morning. Or used to be, before 27 years of my gloomy matins cured her of that. Now, she’s as quiet as a shadow. Now she tiptoes mutely around me like she might a dim-witted 600-hundred pound troll who she fears startling, lest he eat the children or break the furniture. This enforced morning quietness on her part is sad to me.

And an enormous relief.

When we were first married, my behaviour in the morning hurt her. It didn’t help that by evening, when her natural rhythms turn her more laconic and pensive, I become loud and voluble.

We could never mirror each other. And she felt my stony morning silence was punishment I doled out for something she had done wrong.

Then she realized it was all my problem. Right or wrong, I just need

space in the morning. Space, and aloneness, and quietness. Space to coax the troll into daylight.

When we first married, the prevailing wisdom for nurturing spirituality in marriage—or at least, what the pastor who married us advised—was to do morning devotionals together. This, for reasons just mentioned, never worked for us. We tried. It had the opposite of its intended effect. Those loud blessings in the morning rang in my ears as curses. It was hard for Cheryl to bask in the love of Jesus when I sat there glowering and grunting like the 600-pound troll she dare not provoke.

Then we found our rhythm. It’s twofold. Every morning, we each nurture our own spiritual life individually: Cheryl uses her talkativeness to talk to God. And I use my—what shall we call it?—inward-ness— to be inward with God. I go into a corner and brood over Scripture. I groan inwardly with the creation, and pray with groans that words cannot express. I offer, yet again, my trollish self to God as a living sacrifice.

And then I’m fine. And she’s fine.

And then every evening—this is the second part of our two-fold rhythm—we nurture our spiritual life together: for at least half an hour, we engage in a face-toface, heart-to-heart conversation about everything, anything—our joys, our sorrows, our fears, our dreams. Mostly, we talk about how we met or missed God that day. It’s like an examen for couples.

Clothes are better if they fit you, and so are spiritual disciplines—if they fit your rhythms, fit your temperament, fit your ways of being alone and being together.

Cheryl and I have found spiritual practices that fit. That seem good to us and to the Holy Spirit.

I caution couples against two things.

One is adopting spiritual practices that just don’t fit, that force you or force your spouse to become someone you’re not or they’re not. The other caution is abandoning the effort altogether.

Most of us have discovered daily rhythms for our marriages. We’ve figured out how to manage all the sundry, mundane household duties—who weeds the garden, who pays the bills, who washes the dishes. And we’ve figure out how to steward our deepest intimacies— who initiates sex, how we speak our hearts, how we say we’re sorry.

To have a healthy, growing, deepening spirituality in your marriage, simply take what you’ve figured out about how to serve each other in the mundane and in the intimate, and apply it to how you seek God. Experiment until it seems good to you and to the Holy Spirit.

And then watch. Even dim-witted 600hundred pound trolls can become more Christ-like.

Mark Buchanan is an author and pastor living on Vancouver Island. The author of several best-selling books, his most recent title is Spiritual Rhythm.

seven – issue twenty-eight january – february, 2013 page 27

power play

Great games. Great toys.

Great gadgets.

Reviews by Sandy McMurray

HOT TUG

DELUXE ICE PACK

hottug.nl

hyperice.com

Would you rather visit with friends on a boat, or relax with them in a hot tub?

What if you could do both at the same time?

The HotTug is a little boat designed to float even when it’s nearly full of warm water. Six to eight passengers can sit and soak thanks to a built-in stove that heats the water inside.

The HotTug is constructed from wood and fitted with glass-fibre reinforced polyester. The stove is made of stainless steel and has a double-walled pipe. The HotTug is powered by a built-in electric motor or a conventional outboard motor.

HotTugs are built in The Netherlands and sell for about $15,000 each.

Sports and injuries go together like biscuits and gravy, and some men don’t know when to quit. If your knees and shoulders ache but you still want to play, this cool item might interest you.

NO MORE BED HEAD morninghead.com

It’s morning. You hit the snooze button one too many times, and now you’re late.

No time for a shower, but you have major bed head. What to do?

When I was a kid, my mother would put a wet cloth on my head to solve this

seven – issue twenty-eight january – february, 2013 page 28

morning problem. It did the job, but it wasn’t an instant fix. I looked pretty silly at the breakfast table.

The Morninghead cap offers a quicker fix for bed head. It’s a special shower cap lined with absorbent cloth.

Here’s how it works: - Pour water into the cap - Put the cap on and rub it around - Remove the cap and wring it out - Done!

In about 5 seconds your hair is wet as if you just got out of the shower, but your clothes and your neck are dry. It’s a great, portable solution for students, travelers, and anyone else with chronic bed head.

Morninghead caps cost $5 each.

Hyperice combines sports medicine with high tech to create a solution that will comfort your old bones while it empties your wallet. Hyperice devices combine “Ice Cell technology” with special compression wraps that hold the cold where it’s needed.

Basically, these are tensor bandages with built-in ice packs. To “harness the power of real ice” you fill the Ice Cells with ice cubes, then strap on the Hyperice wrap. The black and silver logos look much better than beige bandages and duct tape.

If you want to feel cool and look cool at the same time, Hyperice is nice. Prices range from $90 (for knees and elbows) to $120 (back) and $130 (extended shoulder wrap).

FIXIT TIPS theartoffixingthings.com

The Art of Fixing Things is a handsome book of simple handyman tips and large

power play

photo illustrations. It’s a good resource for anyone learning the basics of tool use, maintenance, and repairs.

The Art of Fixing Things is not for the experienced handyman. This is Repair 101 for cars, appliances, garden machines, and farm equipment, plus some basic information about home improvements.

“Many of these 150 Tips and Tricks come to you from a time when we repaired our possessions, rather than throwing them away,” says author Lawrence E. Pierce. “The information presented in this book will give you the courage, and information, to tackle simple and complex repairs.”

The Art of Fixing Things provides direct and simple explanations as well as easyto-follow directions for doing repairs and making things last longer.

NOW THAT’S A KNIFE woodmanspal.com

Hunters and winter campers sometimes find themselves in situations where a knife just doesn’t cut it. If you need to cut through brush or even tree roots, a better tool is required.

The Woodsman’s Pal is more versatile than a machete or an axe, and its carbon steel blade can cut through branches up to 1½ inches in diameter with one stroke. It’s designed to trim, prune, chop, split, blaze trails, brush out lines,

clear campsites, chop firewood, split kindling, build hunting blinds or lean-toshelters.

The axe is balanced from the wooden handle all the way to the tip, allowing for comfortable, efficient, accurate cutting.

The two axe blades will not crack or chip, even in cold weather.

The Woodman’s Pal was first sold in 1941 in Pennsylvania by the owner of the Victor Tool Company and remains a popular tool today. The Classic (“Model 481”) sells for about $70.

MEGA STOMP PANIC thinkgeek.com

Close your eyes and you’re cool and dangerous. What do you look like?

Me, I’m a giant robot. You might be a lizard, or King Kong, or a pirate.

Mega Stomp Panic is a sound effects machine that makes your dangerous game real to the people around you.

When you walk, Mega Stomp will make you sound like you’re a robot, a zombie, a monster, or even splashing in the rain.

Every time you step or stomp, the mega stomp senses your movement and plays an appropriate sound effect to complete the audio illusion.

To use, just clip Mega Stomp Panic to your pants, turn it on, and select your sound effect.

Then stomp around and grin like a delighted little boy as the tiny citizens of the city below you scatter and run away screaming.

There are nine built-in sound environments including cowboy, pirate, giant monster, and two types of robot.

Mega Stomp Panic sells for just $40.

CLASSIC MATCH FOOSBALL newpotatotech.com

The latest cool accessory for iPad is an add-on that turns an iPad into a working foosball table. Classic Match Foosball comes complete with eight control bars, real scoring markers at each end, folding table legs, and Foos buttons on both sides to launch the ball into play.

To play, just slide an iPad into the table, using the built-in dock connector, then launch the Foosball game app. The game takes place on the iPad screen, but you control the action of the virtual ball by spinning and turning the very real control bars.

No AC power or batteries are required.

The controller is powered by the iPad itself and makes a great resting place for the iPad when it’s not in use.

Only two things prevent this from being The Coolest Thing Ever: the small size (much smaller than a real foosball table) and the very real risk that a player will accidentally flip your iPad onto the floor during play. Be careful.

Classic Match Foosball sells for $99.

Sandy McMurray writes about games, toys, and gadgets at funspot.ca

seven – issue twenty-eight january – february, 2013 page 29

What women want

Praying for others makes a marriage stronger It’s not always about us.

by Julia Sandstrom

As I write this column, my husband and I have been married all of five months.

And it’s been great. Some things have been what we expected, and others not so much. But of all the many surprises, there’s been one thing in particular that stands out in our infant marriage.

Praying together.

Prayer with my husband is one of the greatest aspects of our relationship.

I have often struggled (as many do) with prayer. It is a beautiful but mysterious gift from God. My mind so often wanders and my prayers turn inward. I can become so focused on my needs, I forget to pray for others or even say “thank you.” My husband is not a spiritual “prayer warrior” either, but when we pray together the selfish prayers go away and I find the love I have for my husband lifting him up in prayer.

We have found that in prayer together God is growing our capacity to love Him, one another, and our neighbours.

Our love for him is increased because we make sure to say thank you. Our pastor is fond of saying that gratitude is the antidote to anxiety. Philippians 4:6 says that we are to not be anxious, but pray and be thankful. When my husband thanks God for the many gifts in our life, my heart is settled. I grow in gratitude for God’s goodness and love for us. It is so easy to look at what we lack. Prayers like these, shared within the intimacy of our marriage, are a gift that brings us back to thankfulness, and adds spiritual stability

seven – issue twenty-eight january – february, 2013 page 30

to the marriage we continue to build together.

In these early months of marriage, I’ve also found that praying together also increases my love for my husband. He asks how I am doing. What do I need him to bring before God? In moments like these I feel spiritually cared for by the man I share all my other cares with. How could I not love a man like that? And at the same time, when I hear his concerns and prayer requests, I learn more about what he is thinking and feeling. We draw closer to one another as we draw closer to God. Galatians 6:2 commands us to carry one another’s burdens. In prayer we carry them to the God who says his burden is light.

In prayer we submit ourselves to God. By praying for and with my spouse, the frustrations of day-to-day living together are transformed. By submitting ourselves to God in prayer we also submit our desire for control or power in the relationship. We recognize that we are each vulnerable people in need of grace from God and one another. Participating in the humble act of prayer with my husband allows me to see him a little more how God sees him. It helps me love him a little more the way God loves him too.

Praying for our neighbourhood is something we are trying together. We’re part of a new church and we know that our church will only grow if we bring others in. We pray together for our neighbours so we can love them as ourselves. An old lady across the street

makes several trips to the hospital every week—so we pray for her health. The woman next door complains and tries to give us advice about everything—so we pray for her, sometimes begrudgingly.

The school across the back lane, the couple next door, the family down the street with the new baby, we pray for them and our compassion and love increases. It’s through that added love and compassion that we’re better able to be loving and compassionate for each other.

You don’t have to be a prayer guru to pray with your spouse. It might feel vulnerable, but who else to better be vulnerable with? It doesn’t have to be perfect. We often stray into our own conversations when we are supposed to be talking to God. What’s wrong with talking to each other in the presence of God? Sometimes one of us misspeaks and the other one giggles. I like to imagine that God is laughing with us. While we honour God as Lord, we also remember that He desires relationship with us in all our inadequacies. And here is where I find the greatest gift: By bringing ourselves before the throne of grace, we know that the mercy we ourselves receive must be extended to one another.

Julia Sandstrom is the director of ministry support for the Evangelical Covenant Church of Canada. She and her husband Bryan live in Winnipeg.

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