The Portland Mercury, September 13, 2012 (Vol. 13, No. 17)

FREE EVERY THURSDAY / VOL • 13 NO • 17 / SEPTEMBER 13- 19, 2012 / WE THE ONE’S SCHOOLIN’ YOU, SON! BI-YI-YI-YI-YATCH!

the

Perfect e f c Student

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to

School

GUIDE

POLITICS DON’T MISS THE MERCURY MAYORAL INQUISITION! MUSIC BOB MOULD GOES FOR THE SILVER!

P. 5

P. 31

DONKEYS ANDREW R TONRY REPORTS FROM THE DNC!

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2 Portland Mercury September 13, 2012

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NOTES

lovenotes@portlandmercury.com LETTERS MAY BE EDITED FOR SPACE

SUZETTE SMITH

SOFT, MILKY NIGHTMARES RE: “The Fall of Romneyville” [Feature, Sept 6], in which author Andrew R Tonry reports from the Republican National Convention and appears in a photograph with Jan Brewer that’s mistakenly placed alongside his description of Ann Romney.

On page nine you’ve got a picture of a lady who haunts my nightmares and led me to flee my home state of Arizona and take up the lifestyle of a semi-employed political refugee in a rundown hotel on the edge of NW industrial. And, no, that scary lady in the photo is not “gorgeous, soft, milky, and compassionate” Ann Romney. It’s leathery, immigrant-fearing, grammatically challenged Arizona Governor Jan Brewer (née Drinkwine).

Nice beard on the gentleman (Tonry?) next to her, though.

Andrew Coltrin TWO THINGS FROM ISAAC RE: “An Invitation to Privilege” [Music, Sept 6], a preview of the Parenthetical Girls’ record release show, and “TBA Preview” [Theater, Sept 6], a selection of capsule previews of the ongoing TimeBased Art festival, in which the author enthuses on the subject of The Love Song of R. Buckminster Fuller.

Dear Mercury—Why will no one admit that Parenthetical Girls is an emo band?

Isaac Hudson

“nanny state” over. Trust me, there are some decisions that people can make for themselves without government getting involved. posted by Torgo It is pretty bizarre no one has a problem with a restaurant basically taking over a public space for a nominal fee. Car owners have to move their car, but restaurant owners can throw out anyone they want. Maybe Portland is really just that much more conservative than New York and Seattle? posted by Ardennes Ardennes—Don’t be surprised. People are rarely ideologically consistent. Change just one detail, and there would be protest marches on city hall. If it were a bike lane instead of a parking space, or if the restaurant were a McDonald’s, there would be all kinds of anger. posted by Rocky BOOBS RE: “The Mercury’s Officially Unofficial Guide to MusicfestNW” [Feature, Sept 6], the cover of which features a relatively wellknown photo by the artist Merkley??? depicting a young woman jumping on a couch and playing the guitar topless.

So you’ve got a woman playing guitar on your MFNW cover. But wait… She’s topless, which to me looks like you’re reinforcing the dangerous idea that women artists must be sexual objects before they can do things like get on the cover of a magazine.

Not only that, but you also advertise an “uncensored pullout” within, further objectifying and turning this woman into a pinup rather than a symbol of creativity. I wonder how all of the female musicians performing at MFNW feel about being represented this way. Do boobies have some musical ability that I have failed to discover? I think you have a responsibility—especially to the youth of Portland who no doubt comprise the majority of your readership—to not degrade certain portions of the population. Don’t you think women and girls have enough of this shit to deal with already? And you know what else stinks? That I worry about being labeled a “prude” or something for not liking your cover. posted by HeyMamaCass

Dear Erik Henriksen—You don’t really want to live in a Dymaxion House; they leak. HEYMAMACASS, THANKS for checkIsaac Hudson ing out our UNCENSORED MFNW guide (get it? get it?!). You make some excellent points, so we’re giving you PORTLAND SPACES RE: “From Cars to Cafés” [News, Sept 6], this week’s Letter of the Week award, regarding a new program that turns public with two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater, where films run the gamut parking into outdoor seating. from objectifying to prude.

Portland “planner” logic: Putting pedestrians within inches of vehicular traffic is “pedestrian friendly.” posted by D

COVER ART:

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EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Wm. Steven Humphrey

INTERNS Nathan Gilles, Fiona Smith, Toby Robboy

MANAGING EDITOR Marjorie Skinner

DIRECTOR OF CIRCULATION Jay Williams

NEWS Denis C. Theriault, Sarah Mirk

SALES DIRECTOR Rob Thompson

SENIOR EDITOR Erik Henriksen MUSIC Ned Lannamann

SALES COORDINATOR Autumn Webring

ARTS/WEB EDITOR Alison Hallett FOOD Chris Onstad

DIGITAL SALES MANAGER James Deeley

COPY CHIEF Courtney Ferguson CALENDAR Bobby Roberts

ACCOUNT EXECUTIVES Sarah Elliott, Katie Peifer, Marissa Sullivan

PRODUCTION MANAGER Joe Davis

ALTPERKS OPERATIONS MANAGER Michelle David

SENIOR DESIGNER Nick Olmstead

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AD DESIGNER Nami Bigos

GENERAL MANAGER Katie Lake

ART DIRECTOR Justin “Scrappers” Morrison

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September 13, 2012 Portland Mercury 3

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ONE DAY AT A TIME

THIS COMING TUESDAY…

IT’S THE MERCURY ’S MAYORAL INQUISITION!

THE WEEK IN REVIEW by Ann Romano

KRISTIAN DONALDSON

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 3

As reported last week, Vanity Fair wrote an article asserting that, in 2004, Scientologists auditioned young starlets to possibly become Tom Cruise’s next wife. (Before we go into details, our Hubby Kip also “auditioned” girls to be his wife. We’re the only ones who showed up. Let’s continue.) According to the article, the church told several young actresses they were auditioning fo r a “training fi lm” and asked several questions including, “What do you think of Tom Cruise?”

(Umm… what does any girl think of Tom Cruise? That he’s crazy as a bedTHE MASTER bug, and yet we’d still be on his bone in a hot New York minute.

Continuing.) Model/actress Nazanin Boniadi got a “call back” following her “audition” and was allegedly audited every day thereafter, spilling her innermost sexual secrets to the Scientology vetting staff, and signing scads of confidentiality agreements. Tom and Nazanin met, hit it off, and she began to suspect an arranged marriage was in the works. (Now don’t judge, Judy! We’ve been trying to “arrange” a marriage with George Clooney for years. Onward.) Nazanin was told to lose her boyfriend, her braces, and the red streaks in her hair (hello unwanted memories of Nicole Kidman)—unfortunately, after a month of dates, Tom began to find numerous faults with his chosen one. And even though she spent three hours per day purging herself of “negative thoughts about Tom” (!!) she was dumped. Not by Tom, of course, but by the church, who allegedly told her that he “wants someone with her own power—like Nicole” and she was never to contact him again.

Naturally, the Scientologists are calling this article “hogwash”—but let’s see what Emperor Klaktu, Scientology spokesalien, and 14-tentacled warlord of Rigel VII has to say. “This article is Thalagarian brainwormwash!!” Klaktu roared, tentacles thrashing the air. “Besides, arranged marriages WORK. What about you and Hubby Kip?” Ummm…

Seeing as how we didn’t “arrange” to marry someone who spends three-quarters of his weekend on the couch covered in Cheeto dust— we’ll plead the Fifth.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 4

Speaking of women who speak well of their husbands, First Lady Michelle Obama addressed the Democratic National Convention in Charlotte tonight, and, naturally, killed it. Without ever mentioning that super rich Mormon guy, Michelle obliterated the selfish, hate-fi lled Republican party with statements such as, “Barack knows the American dream because he’s lived it, and he wants everyone in this country to have that same opportunity, no matter who we are, or where we’re from, or what we look like, or who we love.” Meanwhile, Hubby Kip spent much of the evening trying to get his fi nger unstuck from an empty bottle of Bud Light. :( ALSO… It’s Beyoncé’s b-day, everybody! And she spent her special day relaxing with baby, Blue Ivy, and hubby, Jay-Z, on their yacht in the south of France. Meanwhile, we’re being forced to make a late-night run to the store for butter. Because Hubby Kip’s fi nger is still stuck in that bottle. :(

THIS WEEK ON

PORTLANDMERCURY.COM

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 5

W

Tonight at the Democratic Convention, former President Bill Clinton did the near-impossible, giving a rousing 45-minute speech that handily deconstructed every negative message presented by the Republicans thus far, as well as renewing America’s faith in Bill Clinton the statesman (rather than Bill Clinton—that creepy guy who got splooge on an intern’s dress). MEANWHILE… Once again we’re a bit confused regarding Lindsay Lohan, and what she’s talking about. Today on her Twatter machine (which should be locked down for her own safety), she wrote, “I just want everyone and Tom Cruise to know, that I have/had no part in the Vanity Fair story. Nor has anyone in my life, personal and work-related.” Ummm… ohh-kay, good to know. And maybe Lindsay should know that she was never even mentioned in that Vanity Fair article… soooooo…

WHAT IS SHE TALKING ABOUT?

hile most newspapers hold their mayoral endorsement interviews behind closed doors—the Mercury wants everyone to see this!

Don’t miss the Mercury’s Mayoral Inquisition—an hour-long interrogation /debate /endorsement interview starring Portland mayoral candidates Charlie Hales and Jefferson Smith. We’ll be asking them the tough questions you want answered: transportation, homelessness, police accountability—sticky topics designed to help you make the right decision this November!

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 6

And, sure, while Beyoncé’s life (yachts, southern France, hubby Jay-Z) might make the rest of us envious—there are drawbacks. For example, she’s forced to hang out with slithering, reptilian reality show star Kim Kardashian! (Shudder.) Since Jay-Z is best buds with Kanye West, who is inexplicably still dating this grotesque piece of walking sputum, Beyoncé is pretty much forced to interact with her on occasion. BUT SHE DOES NOT LIKE IT. According to Radar Online, Queen B read Kim K the riot act recently when the opportunistic tramp tried to muscle her way into a Ron HowZ-LIST BEYONCÉ ard-directed documentary about Jay-Z. “Kim was desperate for attention… and getting in the way of cameras,” a snoopy onlooker said.

“So [Beyoncé] took Kim to one side and told her that the day wasn’t about her.” Hmm… maybe Beyoncé should take Kim for a ride on her yacht—and give her a shove in the right direction.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 7

We’re a week out from Clint Eastwood’s rambling speech at the Republican National Convention—during which he got into a fight with an empty chair he claimed was being used by an invisible Barack Obama—and it still doesn’t make any sense. But don’t tell Clint!

Before the speech, “there was a stool there, and some fella kept asking me if I wanted to sit down,” the 82-year-old Eastwood told his hometown paper, the Carmel Pine Cone.

“When I saw the stool sitting there, it gave me the idea.” Eastwood added that, despite requests, he refused to divulge his plan with anyone from Mitt Romney’s campaign. “They vet most of the people, but I told them, ‘You can’t do that with me, because I don’t know what I’m going to say,’” Clint remembered, going on to explain why he blithely ignored his five-minute time limit. “When people are applauding so much,” he told the Pine Cone, “it takes you 10 minutes to say five minutes’ worth.” Clint, you are officially America’s Crazy Grandpa. Don’t ever change. MEANWHILE… Hustler publisher Larry Flynt has offered $1 million for anyone who can provide “documented evidence

WIN TICKETS TO SEE THE RAVEONETTES! THURSDAY! END HITS!

And to help us grill the candidates, we’ve invited a special panel of local, smarty-pants know-it-alls along for the ride: • Public Defender Chris O’Connor • BikePortland’s Jonathan Maus • Social Services Advocate Karol Collymore • And, of course, the fierce (but fair) Mercury Election Squad!

We’ll be taking YOUR questions, too! (When’s the last time the Oregonian editorial board did that?)

And don’t worry, there will be plenty of booze on hand, and a fun, informative time for all. For the sake of democracy, DON’T MISS IT!

THE MERCURY’S MAYORAL INQUISITION TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 18, 8 PM @ RONTOMS, 600 E BURNSIDE FREE ADMISSION! (LIMITED SEATING)

concerning Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney’s unreleased tax returns and/ or details of his offshore assets, bank accounts, and business partnerships.” Ladies and gentlemen, Larry Flynt: a reprehensible, publicityhungry, rabble-rousin’ porn-monger… who happens to be more proactive than every Democrat in Washington. Combined.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 8

Hollyweird heavyweight Harvey Weinstein— one of the distributors of The Master, Paul Thomas Anderson’s upcoming fi lm inspired

by Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard— has had to “beef up his own security,” says the New York Post, due to the fact that the Weinstein Co. has been “inundated” with strange “calls and mail from people believed to be Scientologists.” “Oh, come on! That isn’t true at all! Geez, paranoid much?” asked DEAD OR ALIVE Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII as he cheerfully duct-taped shut an ominously ticking cardboard box, then used a Sharpie to awkwardly scrawl upon its surface.

“DEAR ANDROMEDA SYSTEM POSTAL SERVICE MAIL ALIEN, PLEASE DELIVER TO HARVEY WEINSTEIN THANK YOU FROM KLAKTU.”

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 9

Well, this is embarrassing. The New York Times has taken note of Portland’s fluoride controversy—which is to say, “that proven health initiative that makes perfect sense, but which a minority of people who steadfastly

ignore scientists, dentists, and their own rot-toothed children are very, very much against.” Quoting Mayor Sam Adams, City Commissioner Nick Fish, and various Portlanders, Times reporter Kirk Johnson revealed to the world how an unlikely alliance of Oregon’s conspiracy theorists and white people who pay $15 per apple at New Seasons are trying to keep Portland’s city council from improving the deplorable dental health of our city’s low-income children. Local web developer Celia Wagner spoke to the Times.

“It’s Portland doing its Portland thing,” she said. “It’s charming, but occasionally not charming.” Yes, Celia. That just about sums up life in Portland. Well, that and the fact our children’s teeth make them look British.

MEANWHILE, IN NATIONAL POLITICS… Political commentator Lindsay Lohan is back with another installment of “WHAT IS SHE TALKING ABOUT?” LiLo hopped on Twatter again this weekend to voice her opinion about a tweet from President Barack Obama. “I’ve cut taxes for those who need it: middle-class families, small business,” Obama’s tweet read. Lindsay’s Twattered response?

“We also need to cut them for those that are listed on Forbes as ‘millionaires’ if they are not, you must consider that as well.” Hmm. That’s an interesting perspective, Lindsay. So those who are listed as millionaires by Forbes should also have their taxes cut—unless, that is, they aren’t actually millionaires? Or maybe you meant everyone who isn’t listed in Forbes should be considered for tax cuts, along with the millionaires? Or maybe you meant Obama should take a page from the Scientologists and audition you as his next wife, so that then you can subscribe to Forbes and write your own name into the millionaires list so you can avoid paying sales tax and… or… we can’t… LINDSAY. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

HALF-OFF FOOD AND DRINK AT THE WIN TIX TO THE PORTLAND CELLO TRIPLE NICKEL! MERCPERKS.COM PROJECT! MONDAY ENDHITS!

Comment on this story at portlandmercury.com

September 13, 2012 Portland Mercury 5

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Hall Monitor

NEWS

The Bus Cuts Are the Deepest

Activists Argue TriMet’s Cuts Are Unneeded—And Discriminatory by Sarah Mirk TERRENCE COLEMAN was dressed for a funeral. The senior citizen Portlander, a daily bus rider and veteran, stood at the front of a mock funeral along the bus mall near Pioneer Courthouse Square, stepping in slow time to a jazzy New Orleans dirge.

Members of public transit advocacy group Organizing People Activating Leaders (OPAL) paraded under the hot sun on August 30, mourning the passing of “affordable transit” just before TriMet’s fare hike and bus service cuts kicked in after Labor Day weekend.

OPAL—a grassroots group that’s one of the few sharp-eyed watchdogs keeping tabs on TriMet—says the system-wide fare increase to $2.50, the tweaks to more than 20 bus lines, and the axing of the Free Rail Zone were not unfortunate-but-inevitable events. Not only could the fare hike and cuts have been much softer, the group argues, but TriMet’s changes also discriminate, in particular, against low-income riders and people of color.

“We hope this is not the new normal,” says OPAL organizer Jared Franz. “The reason they cut service and raised fares is that it’s the easy thing to do. There’s not enough resistance.”

It’s entirely likely that TriMet is unnecessarily preparing for a worst-case-scenario.

Late this spring, TriMet’s board approved $12 million in cuts and revenueraising measures, based on a handful of assumptions: 1) Its payroll tax revenue would come in $3 million lower than needed, 2) $4 million would be lost because of anticipated cuts to federal transit funding, and 3) TriMet’s impasse with its union over lush healthcare benefits could eat up $5-10 mil-

WHO’S HURT

THE MOST?

lion. But then, over the summer, the union fight was resolved in TriMet’s favor, and the feds passed a transportation bill without a $4 million cut (though the money hasn’t been distributed yet). As for the payroll tax, for the past two years TriMet underestimated the amount of money that would come in from the tax—low-balling the number by $7.7 million in 2011 and an additional $15.8 million in 2012.

JOSEPH HARMON

TriMet spokeswoman Mary Fetsch says TriMet is sticking with its budget cuts for the time being, in part because that $4 million from the feds probably won’t come down the pipeline until spring at the earliest. “As we see the economy bounce up and down, we are closely monitoring the revenues,” Fetsch says via email.

Meanwhile, the Mercury has learned that OPAL is looking into whether the service cuts and fare increase violate federal civil rights law. Under the 1964 Civil Rights Act, public transit agencies are banned from discriminating against low-income and minority groups.

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NEWS

Eastside Loop Will Open to Fanfare and Grumbling by Sarah Mirk IN THE SAME week that TriMet rolled out its painful cuts and fare hike, the Portland Streetcar rolled out a preview run of its new $148 million Eastside Loop, which will open for service on September 22.

About 10,000 people ride the streetcar on an average weekday, compared to more than 324,000 who take TriMet. And while a sleek downtown billboard proclaims the eastside loop will “unite Portland,” our relationship with the streetcar is probably best summed up as “it’s complicated.”

LOVE: It’s cheap! A streetcar-only ticket will cost just $1, making it the cheapest transit across the river now that TriMet’s axed the Free Rail Zone.

HATE: It’s incredibly expensive! The new loop costs more than $44 million per mile (though that’s cheaper than the MAX Green

Line, which cost $69 million per mile). The feds picked up half the tab for the expansion, but most of the rest comes from state lottery funds ($20 million), local urban renewal money ($27.6 million), property taxes on buildings near the line ($15.5 million), and the cash-strapped city ($6 million).

LOVE: It’ll help development! The line runs past surface parking lots and under-utilized land in the central eastside. It’s easy to see how the area is ripe for the dense housing development the streetcar aims to facilitate.

The current streetcar line is said to have helped spur $2.3 billion in development downtown, including 7,000 housing units.

HATE: It’s not so good as actual transportation! Cars on the new line will arrive only every 18 minutes, and it will take 32 minutes to get from OMSI to the Pearl—five minutes

The issue here is who’s hurt the most by the hike to a $2.50 flat fare.

According to TriMet’s demographic data, low-income and minority riders were more likely to purchase two-zone tickets than more expensive all-zone tickets. Last week, the cost of two-zone fares went up 19 percent (from $2.10 to $2.50), whereas the jump to $2.50 was only a 4.2 percent increase for riders who paid cash for all-zone tickets—a group less likely to be low-income and more likely to be white.

TriMet’s federally required report on the impact of its fare increase found the increase of cash fares would have a “possible” disparate impact on low-income and minority riders.

In response, TriMet says it took several steps to soften the blow of controversial moves like ending the Free Rail Zone, including distributing $1 million in discount tickets to Portland nonprofits, not increasing the cost of fares for senior citizens, and nixing its initial plan to make transit tickets good only one-way. The result is that the reduced service and increased fares likely don’t violate civil rights law. But that distinction might not make a big difference to squeezed riders like Coleman, the funeral-leader.

Said Coleman, high-stepping down the bus mall: “We’re going to have to schedule everything tighter. Shopping, entertainment, everything.”

19% 22%

Cash ticket buyers who 19% are people Cash ticket buyers who are of color Increase from low income old zone 12.7% ticket cost 12.7%

4.2%

slower than on existing bus lines. Biking the same distance will get you there twice as fast.

LOVE: The streetcars are manufactured in Oregon! Clackamas-based United Streetcar built all the cars on the line, creating an estimated 90 jobs.

HATE: American-made is more expensive!

The Oregon plant failed to meet its deadlines and ran over budget, so the new line has only five cars ready, instead of six, making waits between trains longer. (The plan is still to eventually run all six.)

LOVE: It cuts car traffic! For a number of reasons both quantifiable and mysterious, people who don’t usually use public transit will ride the streetcar. Those new riders are projected to reduce car travel in the region by 28 million miles a year.

HATE: The tracks attack cyclists! A 2008 study showed that 70 percent of Portland cyclists have crashed on streetcar tracks at least once. With more than three new miles of track, expect more broken collarbones.

Comment on these stories at portlandmercury.com

NEWS Enough with the Fluoride Circus

by Denis C. Theriault I SUPPOSE it was generous of the Portland City Council to hold a lengthy public hearing less than a week before it was scheduled to vote on something that (sorry, inbox!) makes sense and is entirely overdue: the fluoridation of Portland’s water supply.

But that hearing last Thursday, September 6—all six-plus hours of it—was an awful waste.

The three council members who favor fluoridation—Mayor Sam Adams and Commissioners Randy Leonard and Nick Fish—had all announced their support long ago. And it was clear no one’s mind was going to change, even after the parade of antifluoride advocates—some paranoid, others smart and well-intentioned—had their say.

Worse, the pro forma hearing (three votes, after all, constitutes a council majority) might actually have hurt the city’s cause, because it managed to reinforce the one very legitimate gripe raised by fluoridation foes: that the public process behind fluoride has been lamentably bad.

For instance, before the hearing we’d already learned that city officials had devised an end-run around a likely 2014 anti-fluoride referendum—speeding up the fluoridation timetable so it happens before voters can step in and cancel it.

Further, we also learned that many of the suburban customers who buy Portland’s water had received scant notice that things were about to change.

And then came a lengthy, circus-like council meeting that had extra security, spat-out accusations of “white guilt,” and city commissioners leaving for (and sometimes returning from) other prior commitments. Stirring up further resentment, the council invited something like a dozen pro-fluoride experts to speak—but declined the courtesy of allowing equal time for fluoride foes.

If opponents ever do raise the nearly 30,000 signatures they’ll need to force a vote, that seeming subjugation of democratic expression will probably loom even larger for voters than any and all of the misinterpreted studies usually thrown around by anti-fluoride activists.

It’s true that Adams, since declaring his support early, has attempted some atonement. Twice he’s posted detailed, well-crafted explanations of his pro-fluoride stance. (The second post came after he publicly agreed to watch anti-fluoride documentary An Inconvenient Tooth before making anything official.)

But Dan Saltzman and Amanda Fritz deserve even more credit for their conduct. Out of deference to the public, both waited for the council’s official vote (as of press time on Tuesday, September 11) to reveal their decisions.

It creates the impression, at least, that some of our leaders will listen before they leap. Even if what they’re hearing amounts to a lot of noise.

September 13, 2012 Portland Mercury 7

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The Doomsday That Wasn’t

Cartlandia’s Mellow Beer Garden by Denis C. Theriault

NEWS

AS DOOMSDAY SCENARIOS go, the presumed pandemonium that was supposed to erupt after a SE Portland food cart pod earned a liquor license—Oregon’s first!—has been a little disappointing.

no doubt further stressing Portland officials fuming over the improbable prospect of carts all over town suddenly slinging booze—it looks like Cartlandia might finally have some company.

Five other carts or cartlike businesses have submitted applications for liquor licenses, says OLCC spokeswoman Christie Scott. Two of those applicants—Boogie Burger and Divine Café— could have their requests heard by the OLCC as soon as October.

“We have the legal authority to approve them,” Scott says. “The suit doesn’t preclude us from following the law.”

DENIS C. THERIAULT To win approval, each On a recent weekday afternoon down cart has to meet some fairly stringent at Cartlandia, the growing pod that draws rules. They won’t be able to serve alcohol families and Springwater Corridor bike all night. They’ll have to cordon off a beer commuters to an otherwise dismal part of garden and pay monitors to make sure SE 82nd Avenue, only one lunchtime cus- no one underage gets in. Moreover, some tomer was drinking any suds in the pod’s carts in Portland, through technical loopbeer garden—a Ninkasi, poured into a red holes like “special event” permits, have alplastic cup. And on weekends, says pod ready been selling alcohol for years.

Portland’s lawsuit—part of a larger owner Roger Goldingay, the place is more likely to be overrun with kids than drink- fight with the OLCC over its ability to crack down on problem drinking establishing customers.

This is far from the terrifying visions ments—argues that the OLCC’s guidelines of drunkenness that city commissioners still aren’t strict enough and that licensing fretted over this spring when begging the carts will spur an explosion of public intoxiOLCC not to approve Goldingay’s license. cation and crime.

Goldingay’s wife, Carol Otis, wrote And it's clearly unlike what city officials complained about in court papers this May the Mercury to note she’d invited the city when they sued the state, demanding it council’s most vocal temperance advocate, Amanda Fritz, to the pod so she could see stop giving liquor licenses to food carts.

“It’s funny,” Goldingay said. “It’s pretty what it’s really like. She says Fritz, running funny to see the crowd that’s here com- for re-election in November, told her she pared to the crowd the city council thinks wouldn’t be free until after Election Day. As of press time, Fritz’s office had yet to is here.”

Pretty soon, the Mercury has learned— confirm the offer.

In Other News

by Mercury staff

The family of Adalberto Flores-Haro—a New Columbia resident wounded by Washington County police this spring after, his relatives say, he tried to roust a presumed prowler from his yard—has filed a federal civil rights lawsuit against the cops who shot him.

Flores-Haro was shot several times March 13 by members of a Washington County tactical team helping Portland detectives serve a search warrant at a nearby home in New Columbia. His family said he didn’t realize the men in black in his yard were police officers when he confronted them and then went back inside to get his gun and confront them again.

The suit, filed Friday, September 7, seeks an undetermined amount of damages. Neither Portland nor its officers are named in the suit, but a tort claim has since been filed against the city. DENIS C. THERIAULT On Monday, September 10, Multnomah County Chairman Jeff Cogen announced that his health department will do something no other government agency has yet agreed to do: Examine the potential environmental effects of

NEWS

what could be a dramatic increase in the number of dust-spewing coal export trains slicing through parts of Portland with cargo on its way to China [“Road to Ruin,” News, April 5].

Cogen’s announcement noted that “coal dust has been known to cause bronchitis, COPD, emphysema, asthma, and other chronic diseases that affect breathing.” DCT Are Portland cops using less force? Statistics released last Wednesday, September 5, show that from 2008 through 2011—as the police bureau adopted several policy changes amid outrage over Taserings, bean-baggings, and fatal shootings—the number of incidents in which the bureau used force dropped from 1,039 down to 675. The report didn’t break out the numbers by type of force. However, charts supplied later by police spokesman Sergeant Pete Simpson showed that one of the most controversial uses of force in Portland—Taserings—have also declined over the past few years. Shootings, however, have not.

After two shootings in 2008 and one in 2009, the next two years saw a total of 10. DCT September 13, 2012 Portland Mercury 9

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See the rest of Tonry's photos at portlandmercury.com

HOpE NO MORE How Obama Lost His Way to the Democratic National Convention by Andrew R Tonry T

ramping around Tampa for the Republican National Convention was easy. I had an SUV with air conditioning. A beachfront suite and white sand. Drunk without a care, I waltzed through the derangement, masquerading as one of Them. When They made me sick, I did not hesitate. I puked, farted, shat, and pissed without remorse.

Such a simple dismissal eventually became liberating: Everyone there was patently insane. Stone dumb, self-serving, or profoundly evil.

Upon arrival in Charlotte, however, life becomes a bit more complicated.

I am racked by a deep malaise. Though the twisted constraints of the two-party system have long been apparent, spending two weeks in the epicenters of each party’s mangled, detached, and hypocritical heart profoundly shakes my already bleak outlook on the American future. If Tampa was Hell, Charlotte is Purgatory.

As I tumble around the so-called Wall Street of the South, a phrase from Tampa grows in volume. Upon its utterance by Senator Marco Rubio in Tampa, it rattled me. Now the resonance is haunting: “‘Hope and Change’ has become ‘Divide and Conquer.’”

T

hursday around five o’clock, I set out towards the Convention. I’ve been to enough lunches, rallies, and speeches in the last week and a half to know the only thing worth taking away is the food. Twits, climbers, and lapdogs. Hot air, profiteers, and narcissists. I’ve had it with them all.

It’s raining, and the bike I bought off Craigslist has no brakes.

With some unease I put on my rain-slick. It doesn’t look good.

But halfway down the hill I take the jacket off. Sun’s out now.

It’s beautiful. Blue skies. Charlotte’s lush greens are coming to life. It was like this on Wednesday, too. But damn, Thursday is even finer. Too bad they moved Obama inside, from the football stadium to the basketball arena.

I ping pong around Uptown for a bit, arriving at the gates at 7 pm. They are locked. Hundreds standing in line, anxious, bated breath. I wait an hour for an answer. Finally it comes: we’re not getting in.

Strangely enough, I don’t really mind. Sure, there remains a chance that the Barack of old may reappear. That he might do something special. Something historic. Something transformative.

But the odds suggest otherwise. They’ve been headed that way for years.

E

ight years ago Barack Obama addressed the Democratic Convention as a state senator.

His message, exquisitely delivered, was simple and profoundly affecting: within America remained a power and sensibility to transcend the trappings of partisan politics and achieve something real. Four and a half years ago, when I covered Obama’s first visit to Portland, that message had taken the shape of genuine movement—one buttressed not only with hope, but with policy to boot.

Four years ago I traveled to Denver and watched as Obama accepted his party’s nomination at Mile High Stadium. I remember

feeling conflicted. Let down. Obama—this stunning communicator—seemed to be dulling his blade. As I wrote at the time, “The speech doesn’t soar in the high winds of Obama’s previous orations. It is down to earth, hacking a way through an overgrown political jungle. Although I acknowledge the pragmatism, it is not my ideal.” With fear, but still some faith, I wondered if the generational wave propelling Obama had crested or had somewhere yet to climb. “Only years from now will we really know for sure,” I wrote. “But I believe the fucker is still on the move— even if it has lost speed.”

On March 23, 2010, after months of mismanagement, President Obama signed the watered-down Affordable Care Act. By that time, the wave was dead.

In October of that same year, just before the midterm elections, I traveled to Washington to cover Jon Stewart’s “Rally to Restore Sanity” on the Capitol Mall. More than a quarter of a million people showed up. But those who did came looking for something more than calls for civility. They were refugees of Hope and Change, searching for someone to lead them, to resurrect the torch Obama had dropped. Instead they returned home empty-handed. Lacking a grand, unifying, and sustained push from the bully pulpit in the midterms, Democrats were beat to a pulp. The President’s party lost the House and a filibuster-proof majority in the Senate. Nothing has gotten done since. Even worse, they’ve learned nothing from it.

At the Convention in Tampa, New York Times columnist Thomas L. Friedman attempted to explain to Charlie Rose the president’s seeming deference and loss of narrative force.

“I still wonder sometimes whether Obama understands why he was elected,” Friedman said. “I think people really believed that we needed nation building at home. And I think they really believed that [Obama] had both the vision and the ability to pull us together for that task.”

In Charlotte, speaking about his election, Obama made the following statement and I winced. “It wasn’t about me,” he said.

“It was about you.”

In part, yes, Obama’s election was about us. It was about him, too. But moreover it was about an idea—the very idea on which Obama rode to power and misplaced once he got there: divisive partisan politics could be overcome. Perhaps belief in such a possibility was misguided or naïve. Nonetheless, there was no reason for Obama to retreat.

Yet four years later he has turned almost completely. Today the Obama campaign banks on fracture, employing the same bitter politics of fear he once so decried. As his speech in Charlotte showed, the president, for whatever reason, is through

with big ideas and done with hopes of change. His prime-time address in Charlotte was spent, largely, defending the status quo.

But surely there are issues American citizens, both Republican and Democrat, can get behind. What about mortgage relief for underwater homeowners subject to predatory loans? (Bank bailouts enflamed the Tea Party—why not turn the tables?) Or debt reduction? (Why won’t the President endorse Simpson-Bowles?) What happened to the jobs plan? (Let’s get specific!) Better yet, how about a moon shot on energy independence? (Republicans may deny global warming, but they hate expensive gas.) Perhaps even new rules for corporate governance? (Commit crimes, go to jail—no more fines.) Unquestionably there are many, many more ideas, from those much, much more qualified than I. To be sure, President Obama paid lip service to most of these concepts in Charlotte. But what he failed to do is embrace any with a freshness, zeal, or specific enough policy detail to grow it beyond party lines and into some greater narrative.

Instead, Obama and his team plot to secure a second term by a score of 51-to-49. But what does that get them? What does winning a base election actually afford?

In the current climate, not a goddamn thing.

Without a presidential campaign that’s capable of energizing the party as well as the people, down-ticket races will suffer.

More than ever, mandates are fucking important.

Blame Republican obstructionism if you like. But rather than trying to reach over it, as he once seemed so capable, Obama appears resigned. Such reticence to take a chance, especially in the face of such a deeply flawed opponent, is that much more disheartening.

Nonetheless, the most basic human levels of compassion recognize him as well meaning and relatively just, and the White House looks to be Obama’s to lose. Sadly—and without any satisfactory reason why—the path Obama has chosen in pursuit of a second term all but assures his greatest promise shall go unfulfilled.

So much for history.

Anyway, it’s the future I worry about. And should Obama win reelection without overwhelming wind in his sails, enough to propel the country from these deep waters of greed, inequality, and mistrust, we shall remain marooned in a sea of slow economic growth, high unemployment, and ballooning deficits.

We’ll be watching like assholes as the world evolves around us, where, in 2016, America could fall victim to the most sinister threat of all: a political climate offering Paul Ryan a real shot at the presidency.

They were refugees of Hope and Change, searching for someone to lead them, to resurrect the torch Obama had dropped.

Instead they returned home empty-handed.

September 13, 2012 Portland Mercury 11

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5:20 AM

Back

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Perfect Student

GUIDE

Presents...

G

Photos by Tim Gunther Modeling by Noah Dunham and Madison Daisy

How to

STUDY SMART

Find a Place to Study Where You Actually Feel Comfortable

V

ARYING THE LOCATIONS in which you study can actually help with information retention. So if going to the library strikes a dull chord of loneliness in your soul, don’t go to the library. Go sit on a bench. Go to Backspace and pretend you’re in Hackers. If there’s a scrap of sunlight in the sky, then for the sake of all that’s holy, go to the park. Don’t force yourself to conform to a routine just because you think it’ll help you concentrate—it won’t.

S

REETINGS, NEW and returning students! As a college enrollee, you are about to embark on a fascinating, educational journey that will shape the rest of your life. Sooooo… no pressure. But seriously… PRESSURE. We all know you’ve fucked a lot of things up. But if you fuck this up? Not only is it going to ruin your future, and your future kids’ future, but it will also possibly ruin the futures of everyone on earth. That’s why on behalf of everyone on the planet—we need you to be PERFECT. Not half-ass. Not quarter-ass. We’re talking FULL-ASS PERFECT, because the world is swiftly heading toward hell in a hand basket (thanks to ourselves and your parents, who half-assed it during school), and we

Study Sober

UBSTANCES ARE A REWARD for studying, not a supplement to studying. Got that? Having a beer while you study might sound like a good idea. It is not a good idea.

Ditto smoking a bowl, doing a line, and whatever it is you kids do to bath salts these days. Which brings us to…

Y

Practice Self-Bribery

OU’RE NOT LIVING with mommy and daddy anymore, which means you’re going to have to start bribing yourself to succeed in this world. Your self-bribes don’t have to be anything fancy, just something to reward yourself with after you’ve hit the end of a chapter, or finally finished an essay.

Fifteen minutes of internet time. A handful of those pistachiocovered toffee things from Trader Joe’s. Bath salts. Whatever.

B

Form a Study Group!

UT ONLY if your study group features a sarcastic handsome person, an Asperger’s-y dweeb, Childish Gambino, and Annie’s boobs. Otherwise, don’t bother.

Buy Some Fancy Highlighters

A

ND THOSE LITTLE TABBY THINGS that you stick in the corner of your book to mark your page. Get a new pen, and one of those academic-calendar-year day planners they sell at Powell’s. Studying is never going to be fun, but shopping for new pens kinda is! Kinda. :(

Y

Manage Your Time

OU’RE GOING TO IGNORE this advice, but it’s good advice, so I’m gonna say it anyway—time management is the one thing that’ll distinguish those of you who’re going to graduate and maybe grab a job in this shitty economy from those of you who will be living in your parents’ garage by April. Make time to study. Make time to study. Make time to study. Don’t try to read the whole book the night before the test. Don’t try to write the whole paper the night before it’s due. Make a studying schedule and stick to it. Yes, I know your roommates are eating pot brownies in the common room, but your roommates will always be eating pot brownies in the common room. And hey, look, it’s on your schedule: 11 pm, pot brownies with the roommates! Right after you finish that psych paper. ALISON HALLETT

How to

I

need your absolute best if any of us want to make it out of this shithole alive.

So what do you need to do? Just be a PERFECT STUDENT. That’s not so hard, is it?

And it’ll be even easier with the Mercury’s Back-to-School “Perfect Student” guide.

We’ll teach you how to perfectly do everything perfect—such as improving study habits, impressing your teachers, properly dressing yourself, and scoring a bunch of free stuff so you won’t be forced to borrow money from a loan shark and have your legs broken. OH! And we’ll also teach you how to perfectly get drunk, perfectly smoke drugs, and perfectly steal money from those idiot rubes in the Student Union.

You’re not perfect—yet. But read the following pages? And you will be. AHHHHHH, YES. You will be. WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY

APPEAR SMARTER THAN YOU ARE

N JOHN STEINBECK’S East of Eden, the evil brother gives some sage advice about excelling in school. The first week of class, says swarthy Charles, do all the reading, all the homework, and raise your hand a lot. This will give the impression that you’re a brainiac goody-two-shoes like Charles’ wussy brother, Adam. The second week, do none of the reading, but raise your hand all the time. The teacher won’t call on you, but he or she will think you’re an overachiever. From the third week on, keep quiet and never raise your hand. You’ll have created the perfect portrait of a hardworking student who is also modest and wise.

This segues perfectly into my advice for students trying to appear smarter than they are: Begin all conversations with a reference to John Steinbeck’s East of Eden (which, honestly, you should read. It’s like a million pages long, but at least 500,000 of them are about whores, so it’s a quick read [corollary advice: If you hate to read, jump in by reading books that are primarily about sex]).

In addition to East of Eden, you only need to understand a couple key concepts that you can twist any conversation around to discuss. The first of these is “social construct.”

I don’t have space to go into the specifics here, but all you need to know is that everything is a social construct—including gender, sex, America, swarthy Charles, the dining hall’s attempt at California rolls, money, and crime. The only thing that is not a social construct is the Filet-O-Fish, which will always be a Filet-OFish in this and all other times.

Pepper your social construct and East of Eden conversations with some anecdotes about your parents and privilege and badda bing! You’re valedictorian! Of the beer pong club. SARAH MIRK

September 13, 2012 Portland Mercury 13

14 Portland Mercury September 13, 2012

How REDUCE YOUR DEBT How to to

S

TUDENT LOANS are the devil’s toboggan slide. Sure, they help you magically afford (hopefully just) four years of a soothing dip in the purifying waters of academia—but at what price? Eventually you’ll be booted back into the real world, probably without a decent job prospect (nice work, philosophy majors!) and six figures of debt that not even a bankruptcy filing will clear away.

So what can you do, besides writing sad, pleading letters to your estranged rich uncle?

It’s pretty simple: Try not to borrow money.

Work as hard as you can to gin up as much cash as possible through grants, scholarships, graduate-teaching positions, work-study, fellowships, part-time jobs, etc. You’ll be glad you did!

And if you still have to borrow a bit to pay for books and tuition? Do your homework and don’t be an idiot.

“The biggest thing to do is for students to sit with a financial aid counselor and understand what opportunities and packages will best help them,” says Cindy Skaruppa, Portland State’s associate vice president for enrollment management.

That means learning the difference between loans that are “subsidized” (you won’t rack up interest until you graduate) and loans that aren’t (sucks to be you).

That means taking enough credits so you can actually graduate in four years—so instead of having to borrow more money, you’ll be out of school and hopefully working to pay down your debts.

That means using your credit cards responsibly. Don’t be afraid to sign up for one—especially if it offers reasonable terms—and start building up good credit. But if you can’t handle a card, you’ll be facing a lengthy battle with credit problems. And some private lenders, says Skaruppa, look at things like credit scores, and that could affect interest rates. Try a line of credit instead— you still have a borrowing limit, but the interest is way kinder.

And, most importantly, borrow only as much money as you need. If you can borrow $20,000 a year, but all you need is, say, $15,000 for school and living expenses, do NOT borrow the extra cash. You might feel fancy now, drinking top-shelf booze and jetting somewhere crowded and tropical over spring break. But… Warns Skaruppa: “It’s going to cost you later.”

DENIS THERIAULT

GET THINGS FOR FREE (OR REALLY CHEAP)

O

H, COLLEGE! A time when important stuff like eating and staying healthy take a backseat to unimportant stuff like learning. If you’re a spoiled rich kid, skip this section. But for those born with plastic spoons in their mouths, we’ve got advice for getting the essentials on the cheap.

FOOD:

The human body constantly needs it, so getting a job at a restaurant or café can hook you up with free grub. The Portland Fruit Tree Project (portlandfruit.org) pays volunteer urban harvesters in pounds of fruit and Sisters of the Road (sistersoftheroad.org) runs a downtown café where you can volunteer to earn free lunch tickets. Also an option: dumpster-diving for food behind grocery stores. If you do, go vegetarian— spoiled meat isn’t part of a healthy diet.

HEALTHCARE:

Thanks to Obama’s healthcare reform, students can now stay on their parents' insurance until age 26. If you’re an old fogey, or your parents are insurance-less, never fear. Many colleges offer super cheap insurance to fulltime students— ask your college health center. Speaking of which, most schools’ health centers have clinics that provide basic health and psychiatric services for cheap or free. Services, meds, and even insurance can all be charged to your accumulating student loan debt, which is preferable to a medical collection agency on your ass. Oh, and college clinics have free condoms. If your college doesn’t have a clinic, Outside In (1132 SW 13th) offers great sliding-scale walk-in medical care to anyone in need and Planned Parenthood provides free or low-cost STD tests, birth control, and contraception.

ALCOHOL: FURNITURE:

Making friends with bartenders always pays off, but a better way to free booze is to stop by art openings. Wine galore! And remember there’s no shame in downing others’ halffinished drinks. (Yes, there is… but pretend there’s not.)

Curbside it. If you see couches, chairs, or desks on the roadside, stop, drop, and snag it! Portland’s eastside streets tend to turn into a giant freebox around the end of the month when it’s sunny. But be warned: Multnomah County health officials say bed bugs are out there.

TEXTBOOKS: DRUGS:

They’re expensive and boring. So get them used—preferably from other students—and always sell them when you’re done. Or even better, look for the newest available edition at the library!

They’re fun (I’ve, uh, heard), and really expensive. And while the Mercury doesn’t endorse drug use*, we definitely don’t want you paying for them either. So get a rich kid to buy them for you. One local private college—which shall remain nameless—is notorious for wealthy druggies. Hang out there, hit their guilty rich kid buttons, and party like a really stoned rock star. NATHAN GILLES *Obviously we endorse drug use.

How to

MAKE MO’ MONEY T HERE’S NO HONOR in being a poor college student anymore; Mark Zuckerberg messed that up for everybody. While you’re sitting in microeconomics, be thinking macro. You’re a Winner™ and a Winner™ doesn’t need a job to get filthy rich.

Method 1:

HUSTLE DORM GAMES

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You don’t need superior skill to hustle pool, just a trustworthy partner and somebody willing to bet on a game of Cut Throat. Even two mediocre players can secretly team up to beat a good player for a nice split-able profit. Plus if you get caught, two people are harder to beat up than one.

If your dorm mates are more into board games, just buy a duplicate of their game of choice. You’ll rarely lose The Settlers of Catan if you’ve got a pocket full of sheep you brought from home.

Pro move: You can win Scrabble by feeling the tiles in the bag and selecting the best one. You’ll get better with prac-

Method 3:

tice OR by peeling off the first layer of skin on your index finger to increase the sensitivity. Then spend your winnings on a nice pair of gloves.

Method 2:

GET FUNDING FOR FAKE CLUBS

Most schools have a way to petition the student union for money to start a new club or sports team. Very few of those schools know that squash isn’t a real intercollegiate sport.

Fill a team with friends who enjoy spending the school’s money and can keep a secret. After a few months of fake scores in the student newspaper showing that the Squash Club is having a record-setting season, every student senator will happily vote for an extra $5,000 to send them to nationals in Las Vegas.

Pro move: Have a friend take bets against the hometown heroes in their big tournament match. It’ll be easy to beat the point spread when you’re the one making up the scores.

RE-SELL FOOD SERVICE

The key to reselling dining hall food is finding pocketable foods with a high retail value. Granola costs a fortune at market price, but is free every morning. Line your pockets with ziploc bags and take a bowl or two out each day.

Desserts are also easy to pocket. If you don’t have 100 cookies by the end of the week, you’re just not trying.

Most importantly, don’t forget that free toppings can be sold on their own. A $2 a la carte bagel can easily be piled with $10 of free cream cheese.

Pro move: I think it’s about time the Squash Club had a bake sale in the quad: “Fresh” granola, cookies, and cream cheese can help pay for more “safety equipment.”

A

NYBODY CAN BE POOR. It’s so easy, even poor people do it. But only a Winner™ gets rich between classes, and you look like a Winner™ to me.

ALEX FALCONE

September 13, 2012 Portland Mercury 15

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16 Portland Mercury September 13, 2012

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How to

DATE! AND HAVE SEX!

How to

BE ENTERTAINED (FOR CHEAP)

H

OORAY! You’re out of your parents’ house! Time to start having sex with people all the time! Or not!

The great thing about dating in college is that you get to do whatever you want—if you’re the kind of person who likes hooking up with all sorts of people in all sorts of ways, go for the gold, kid. If you’re the kind of person who wants to make lots of friends and never make out with any of them, you got it. If you want to have a boyfriend and make out with other guys, that’s an excellent option, just be honest and intentional about it.

Dating in college is all about learning what you want and how you want it. You can build whatever kind of relationships and have whatever kind of (consensual) sex you want, though pretty much the only way to learn what feels right and good is practice, practice, practice (also: fail, fail, fail). But you know what you don’t need to learn about yourself?

That you’re accidentally pregnant! Or that you have chlamydia!

Those are terrible things to learn, which is why, if you’re one of those people deciding to rub genitals with other humans, get yourself birth control and get tested for STDs, ASAP. Both Portland State University and Reed Col-

O

NE THING’S CERTAIN: If you’re in college, you’re probably broke.

Luckily, there are enough free and cheap activities in Portland that even Scrooge McDuck could have a great time!

Wait. There are two things for certain. The second is that Scrooge McDuck is kind of a racist caricature. Sorry, Scottish people! As an apology, please accept this guide to free and cheap activities. Something tells me you’ll love it!

MUSIC

School

GUIDE

The Portland Art Museum (portlandartmuseum.org) has free admission the last Friday of every month from 5-8 pm. Prefer art made out of real live people? Get discounted rush tickets from Portland Center Stage (pcs.org), Artists Repertory Theatre (artistsrep.org), and Portland Opera (portlandopera.com). For cheap (and good) plays, check out Theatre Vertigo (theatrevertigo.com) and Action/ Adventure Theater (actionadventure.org).

MOVIES

BIKES

Powell’s locations (powells. com) host free readings, and Sundays at Backspace (115 NW 5th) there’s the $5 Portland Poetry Slam (facebook.com/portlandpoetryslam). Quarterly comics showcase Comics Underground (comicsunderground. com)—which, in a tiny conflict of interest, is put on by two Mercury editors—is $3 at the Jack London Bar (529 SW 4th, rialtopoolroom.com). And don’t forget the library (multcolib.org)! Read their books! Use their computers to look at porn!

to

CULTURE

Some theaters host free screenings of shows like Mad Men and Breaking Bad (look in the Mercury’s Movie Times). And every Saturday, the partially-Doctor Who-themed Fish & Chip Shop (1218 N Killingsworth, thefishandchipsshop.com) shows… something. I can’t remember what it’s called. Inspector Spacetime, maybe?

BOOKS Back

your favorite! It’s like The Hunger Games!

Every week, Al’s Den (303 SW 12th, mcmenamins.com) hosts a different band that performs a free show every night! Music Millennium (3158 E Burnside, musicmillenium.com) has free instore performances, Mississippi Studios (3939 N Mississippi, mississippistudios.com) has occasional free shows, and, in the summer, the Doug Fir (830 E Burnside, dougfirlounge.com) has free patio shows.

Bars like the Tanker (4825 SE Hawthorne, tankerbar. com) and the Blind Onion Pizza Pub (3345 NE Broadway, blindonion.com) have weekly free movie nights, while theaters like the Laurelhurst (2735 E Burnside, laurelhursttheater.com) and the Academy (7818 SE Stark, academytheaterpdx.com) only charge $4. The first Friday of every month, the Bagdad (3702 SE Hawthorne, mcmenamins.com) hosts the $3 Cort and Fatboy Midnight Movie, and free screenings sometimes pop up at the Northwest Film Center (1219 SW Park, nwfilm.org). PSU’s Fifth Ave Cinema (510 SW Hall, 5thavenuecinema.org) is free if you’re a PSU student, only $3 for everyone else, and there’s FREE POPCORN FOR ALL. In the summer, Portland Parks & Rec (portlandonline.com) shows free movies outdoors, as does Pioneer Courthouse Square (thesquarepdx.org).

POLITICS

Every Wednesday at 9:30 am at City Hall (1221 SW 4th), Portland City Council practices their passive-aggressive sniping skills! Free! Cheer on

lege have health centers that provide students STD tests and contraception, along with friendly nurses to ask all dirty-bits questions (“Is my dick too big?” Probably not, just use lube) and big life questions (“Am I dating the right person?” Not if you’re not happy).

Those schools and many others also have groups or people to talk with about sexual assault. Portland State Women’s Resource Center Assistant Director Jessica Amo advises students to speak out when they think a situation could be leading to assault or abuse. “Be a good wingman,” says Amo. “Sometimes people are afraid to say something about what they see happening at a party or in a bad relationship, but being a good friend means it is your business.”

Add to that list: Always use birth control.

Be more honest. Don’t have sex with people you can’t talk to. Say no if you want to say no.

Go buy lube right now. Make dinner together.

Make a move. Talk to your friends about relationships. Know that you deserve to be happy.

Dance a lot. Google “urinary tract infection.”

Don’t sext random people. Don’t text at all after 2 am. Only date people who positively add to your life. Wash your sheets often. Masturbate more often. Be generous. Be sincere.

Speak up. SARAH MIRK

TV

Surprising no one, Portland is full of free things to do on a bike: PedalPalooza, the World Naked Bike Ride, Sunday Parkways, ad infinitum. Keep an eye on shift2bikes.org.

TRIVIA

There’s Geek Trivia every other Tuesday at the Kennedy School (5736 NE 33rd, mcmenamins.com), Shanrock’s Triviology at a slew of bars every Monday-Thursday (shanrockstrivia.com), and, every Sunday at the Fixin’ To in St. Johns (8218 N Lombard, thefixinto.com), trivia with witty and seductive former Mercury editor Katie Shimer.

MONDAY FUNDAY

During otherwise delightful summer evenings, Portland’s most obnoxious people converge at Colonel Summers Park (SE 17th and Taylor) to hang out, play games, and be obnoxious.

VIDEOGAMES

You suck at Ms. Pac-Man, so Ground Kontrol (511 NW Couch, groundkontrol.com) routinely takes your precious laundry quarters. But on the last Wednesday of every month, $5 gets you in and the games are all free.

SWIMMIN’

The mighty Willamette: free! Sure, you might find a body in it, and yes, nutria use it as an orgy pit. But if you can’t handle seeing a fully erect nutria gnaw its way out of a bloated human corpse, maybe it’s time you grow up, you whiny little baby. ERIK HENRIKSEN

How to

GET SOME ALL-AGES ACTION!

I

T’S BEEN two ice ages since we (ME!) have been part of the all-ages college set, so we turned to our delightful 20-year-old intern Zibby Pillote to answer our questions about what on earth a person does for fun (when they're not legally drinking oneself to sleep every night). As a head honcho of Lewis & Clark’s newspaper, she knows a thing or two about milking Portland for every ounce of underage fun. COURTNEY FERGUSON

MERCURY: So what do “you people” do for fun?

ZIBBY PILLOTE: If we aren’t at a house party, we are drinking in the woods or by the river. We will go to late-night food carts or Last Thursday. Honestly, if I didn’t go to college and have college-y stuff to do all the time, I’m sure I would get bored as an underage person in Portland.

Any favorite hangout spots?

We like to go to Powell’s, Tea Chai Te in Sellwood, Value Village, the waterfront if it’s nice out, Stumptown in the Ace Hotel, this cute thrift store on NW 22nd and Glisan, Mike’s Drive In, TartBerry yogurt, the Pied Cow, Hotcake House... oh, and I really like seeing things at the Hollywood Theatre.

How about late-night action?

One good coffee shop that you can go to late night is SE Grind. All-ages venues suck in Portland. The best all-ages shows I’ve been to have been in the balcony of the Mississippi [Studios] or at the Doug Fir during the day when we kiddies were let in. The best venue by far was the Artistery, but that closed.

Bring it back!

How about those skanky 18+ dance places?

Awful. I’ve never been to the really popular one, the Escape. I’ve been to the Golden Dragon, the 18+ strip club, and it was really depressing.

How about fake IDs? Yes, I have one. My life has changed quite a bit since I got it, too. I definitely recommend it if you are into music, since it is nearly impossible to see a decent band in this town unless you are 21 (okay, that was dramatic, but it is way more fun to see them in a bar than in a fucking park). Just be careful. They are expensive and you want to get a good one.

Any other all-ages fun to be had?

It just takes creativity, planning, and good friends. There is so much you can do for free... for example, drinking free wine at First Thursday, or seeing bands play on the waterfront during the Rose Festival. Go see matinees with your student discount! Go to the [Goodwill] Bins! Write in the bathroom at Backspace! Take a class at the IPRC! Start your own band! Make your own beer!

September 13, 2012 Portland Mercury 17

Cocaine Use Problems?

Are you addicted to cocaine and have you used opiates in the past year? A voluntary research study is offering 8 weeks of no-cost treatment. Participation may last up to six months.

Compensation up to $765. (OHSU eIRB#7431)

CODA Research For more information: 503-239-8400 ext. 254

1934 NE Alberta, 971.255.1793 NEVER stop doing what you like; ALWAYS take it to the HILT. 18 Portland Mercury September 13, 2012

How to

I

SMOKE DRUGS

How DRINK! DRINK! DRINK! to

Y

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GUIDE

ES, these are your formative years, the time when you select which of life’s two paths you pursue: Shall you spend the rest of your days as a teetotalling, tight-assed bore? Or shall you grow up to be a carousin’, marrow-suckin’, day-siezin’, bar-fightin’, lyin’, gamblin’, pukin’, possibly heroic (but probably delusional), degenerate drunk?

Good. You have chosen wisely, rummy.

Here are some things you’ll need to know about drinking the right way—drinking in a way that won’t interfere with your school-

work, your finances, or your relationships (hey, sometimes drinking helps!). • EAT FIRST. Drinking on an empty stomach never ends well. I don’t mean “it mostly never ends well,â€? or “it doesn’t end well a lot of the time.â€? I mean never, unless barfing and a 36-hour hangover is your idea of fun. • YOU’RE BROKE. Drink cheap. Acceptable cheap drinks choices are: Pabst Blue Ribbon, Olympia, Two Buck Chuck, Old Crow. Questionable cheap drink choices are: Hamm's, Cook’s champagne, anything from Hood River Distillery.

T’S BACK TO SCHOOL season, and you know what that means: Super easy access to drugs! If you’ve made it to college and you’re prepared for life in Portland, you probably don’t need an introduction to the substance this state built its house on: marijuana. The only thing you need to know, if you are planning on mixing pot with school, is how weed effects you.

Tend to get super paranoid? Avoid classes in small rooms where you might have to answer questions or interface directly with your professor, because you know what?

They can tell. Does it make you sleepy? Forget trying to get any reading done. Horny?

Save that shit for the student union. Now just puff, puff, pass, and you’ll (probably) be fine.

Other drugs, on the other hand, are never suited to scholastics. These include mushrooms, acid, MDMA/ecstasy, bath salts, whippits, heroin, cocaine, meth, and anything else that could potentially cause you to eat a stranger’s face off. Yes, even in art class. Worst case scenario, you will permanently ruin your life; best case scenario, you will ruin your drug experience.

The most relevant, and potentially gradeenhancing, family of drugs for productive

students are “uppers,� but every upper is different. Again, they’re not the best for going to class, but they can be amazing for writing papers when you’re on deadline, kind of desperate, and just need to turn in something.

They completely eliminate the distractions of food and sleep, and once you are settled into a nice groove you will expound the hell out of some world history/literature/psychobiology.

Ideally you can find another student who will sell you something they’ve been prescribed— don’t mess with street drugs or anything that comes in powder form, because strength and purity can vary wildly, and your education is on the line! Pills are easier to predict, measure, and control. Just take baby steps.

Try a little, see how you feel, then add more as needed. Adderall, Ritalin (snort that shit!), and the rest of their amphetamine/methylphenidate ilk work great, and although it’s a little outdated, if you can find it, Dexedrine is pretty much the holy grail.

Just do yourself one other favor: Don’t bother rereading your paper after you’ve sobered up and are ready to turn it in.

It’s too late anyway, and besides, I’m sure it’s brilliant. ANONYMOUS (for obvious reasons)

• IF YOU DO HAVE SOME SCRATCH, drinking upscale is a fine way to spend your money. It makes you feel smarter and more successful than you actually are. (Oh, the magic of alcohol!) If you’ve got the tongue for it, sip on some single-malt Scotch whisky (never, ever waste your money on blended).

Or slurp down some Oregon pinot noir—it really is as good as all the tourism-geared ads say. Or try some of those weird beers from Belgium, although you should absolutely skip any beer made in Oregon that costs more than $5 a bottle: That’s horseshit, and the brewers know it. Also, never, ever spend money on Jack Daniel’s. It is awful and overpriced, and Jesus laughs at you when you drink it.

• THIS MAD MEN FAD for old-timey drinks has led to some very fine things: classic cocktails; the resurrection of rye whiskey (rye is one of life’s few perfect things); martinis for lunch. However, don’t take it too literally—Don Draper drinks Canadian Club religiously. Have you ever had Canadian Club? It’s horrible; it tastes like somebody melted a battery in hot turpentine. You can still pretend it’s 1962 with some Bulleit Rye or some Grey Goose vodka. • ACTUALLY, scratch the Grey Goose. Get some super cheap vodka and a Brita. Dump that stuff through the Brita filter a few times— while it won’t magically turn it into crisp, clear, nearly flavorless high-end vodka, it’ll make it taste a lot better. NED LANNAMANN

Voted “Best in the City� by Portland Mercury Readers Now Hiring Stylists

1111 E Burnside, Suite 100 Portland, Or 97214 503.234.4100 www.epicenterhair.com

September 13, 2012 Portland Mercury 19

20 Portland Mercury September 13, 2012

How WEAR CLOTHING How COOK! to to

I

F YOU’RE MOVING to Portland for school, you probably have some preconceived notions about how people here dress.

And you probably picked up at least some of these ideas from Portlandia. Forget everything you’ve seen: Yes, there are hippies here, as well as crusties, beardos, bikers, jocks, and steampunks. Ignore all of them, take risks, and follow your eye.

You’ll thank yourself later when you find the old photos of yourself looking young, fresh, original, and yes, perfect.

And yes, I know, you have no money.

Luckily Portland has a huge and relatively unspoiled population of thrift stores. But one can quickly tire of head-to-toe thrift, and when you’re ready for something off

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School

GUIDE

the rack, remember: American Apparel is not the only way. SE Hawthorne’s Communion (3556 SE Hawthorne) is one example of an independent store that specializes in lower-priced boutique-wear (perfect Portlanders only shop local).

Owner Mary Luczyki and manager Mandy Thomson both recommend making a moderate investment in stylish takes on practical items. “Waxed cotton jackets are a good alternative to expensive waterproofed versions,� Thomson points out. “Raw denim is also easy to find for under $100 now,� says Luczyki. “That would have been impossible two years ago.�

This season is all about mixing bold colors and patterns with neutrals, and bright accessories like a scarf, socks, or hat. Luczyki also reports that printed denim is huge for girls—the shop carries Cheap Monday versions for $70.

As for grooming: Christian McNutt of Rock Paper Scissors Salon (4422 SE Hawthorne) cautions that if you don’t have the cash for shampoo nice enough that they don’t sell it at the grocery store, baking soda and water is your best bet. “Cheap shampoo ruins your hair,� he stresses. He also recommends you “wash your hair as often as you wash your butt,� and leave any lightening, ombre coloring, or hair cuts more complex than shaving your head or trimming your bangs to professionals. Choose cuts that go with the way your hair naturally moves; the key is to make it easy on yourself. You will wake up in unplanned locations, and the last thing you need is to require an hour of maintenance, products, and tools to look like your normal self again. Same goes for makeup. Just a swipe of red lipstick is perfect. MARJORIE SKINNER

W

HAT FOLLOWS are three delicious, easy recipes for broke kids with no gear, no money, and no time.

Bacon Banh Mi

Pickling daikon and carrot for a traditional banh mi, while simple, is usually enough to keep me from making these Vietnamese sandwiches; I took a cue from Sok Sab Bai’s Cambodian sandwich—the spitting image of a banh mi, but better—and used dill pickles instead.

The spicy peanut butter sauce adds a more complex richness than mayonnaise alone, and, as with any banh mi, pork and fresh cilantro are critical.

SANDWICH: White sandwich roll, oblong; four slices bacon; 1 dill pickle, cut into thin planks; fresh cilantro; 1 fresh jalapeĂąo, sliced thin; Fresh cucumber, sliced thin; shredded carrot. DRESSING: 1 heaping tbsp peanut butter; 1 heaping tbsp mayonnaise; 1 tsp soy sauce; 1 tsp Sriracha.

Microwave peanut butter for 30 seconds, or until just softened. Stir in the mayonnaise, soy sauce, and Sriracha. Split the roll lengthwise and slather this on both sides.

Lay the bacon flat, wrapped in two layers of the paper towels. Microwave on a plate for three and a half minutes, until cooked, but not shattering-crisp.

Into the roll, layer a bed of cilantro, then stack the pickles, bacon, carrot, cucumber, and jalapeĂąo.

One-Buck Ramen

“Salad bar� is a misnomer. Those cafeteria tubs are your own personal prep bitch, providing vegetables, legumes, cheeses, and aromatics for soups, stews, stir-fries, and pasta sauces. Here, Top Ramen—as central to higher education as Mexican Sudafed and parking tickets—gets classed up with a genuine, fragrant court-bouillon, and you can toss the seasoning packet. It’s not Biwa, but it’s also not $10, or an MSG kidney hammer.

INGREDIENTS: Two packets ramen; 4 cups water; mixed salad bar vegetables, enough to fill about the bottom half of a 6� x 6� to-go clamshell (spinach, scallion, celery, onion, cabbage); fresh cilantro, de-stemmed; fresh jalapeùo, sliced; 1 tbsp soy sauce; black pepper; ½ tsp Sriracha.

Boil the water, add the noodles, and cook for two minutes. Stir in the vegetables, soy sauce, pepper, and Sriracha, and cook for two more minutes until tender. Transfer to a bowl, top with torn cilantro and jalapeĂąo, and stir.

You 're Dying.

Look, Timmy. You’re dying. The pizza cones, the Doritos, the Wolfschmidt “coffee.� Your body needs a vitamin, a precious gram of fiber, a hint of fruit to ward away scurvy. Make this, a simple riff inspired by Oven & Shaker’s popular kale salad.

DRESSING: Ÿ cup olive oil; juice of ½ lemon; 1 tsp sugar; large pinch salt; tbsp vinegar, preferably champagne; 2 tbsp fresh tarragon, minced to dust. SALAD: 2 ozs crumbled gorgonzola; 1 grapefruit, sectioned; two handfuls chopped kale (your choice, approx 4 ozs).

Whisk all dressing ingredients together for 30 seconds. Taste and adjust as desired. Pour over salad ingredients, stir thoroughly for 20 seconds or so. A long standing time helps the kale tenderize; this salad will go at least a day without wilting. CHRIS ONSTAD

September 13, 2012 Portland Mercury 21

22 Portland Mercury September 13, 2012

How PROTEST! to

F

OR A LOT of Portland’s student activists, the Occupy campout last fall, followed by a winter of heady marches, seemed so powerful, so immediate, that it was practically impossible to keep focused on the main reason anyone signed up for school in the first place.

That happened to Chase Wilson, a 19-year-old Washington State-Vancouver student who found himself drawn to late-night marches, rallies, strategy huddles— and quickly emerged as one of the pillars of the movement’s social media outreach on Twitter and Facebook.

Just as quickly, he stopped going to class and stopped working toward his degree in political science.

“I sort of jumped into organizing,” he says, “and school kind of fell off the plate. I actually stopped going to school by the spring.”

Looking back, Wilson now wonders if that was the best choice. And now he’s in community college looking to transfer up to University of Washington. He also shared his thoughts—as someone who lost that sense

How to

Back

to

School

GUIDE

of balance between activism and academia—about how to keep it.

First off: Figure out why you’re in college. Are you there to learn? Or are you blindly groping your way to a waiting—and soul-wrecking—cubicle job? If it’s the latter, maybe it’s okay to drop out. But if you’re there because you want to be, consider these other tips.

TAKE CLASSES that match your activist passions.

Wilson, for instance, wants to take journalism classes so he can improve as a writer and organizer.

ORGANIZE TEACH-INS, and activate people on campus—where you already spend time. Wilson says every student should be focusing on student debt and sky-high tuition costs.

SAY “NO” SOMETIMES. Wilson, who also works two jobs, has decided to skip some protests. To keep connected, he runs the Occupy Twitter feed and aggregates headlines.

“Don’t do what I did,” he joked. “Do what I say.”

DENIS THERIAULT

• • •

CALL BULLSHIT

S

OCRATES was a master at calling out bullshit.

Comparing himself to a gadfly, he observed that his role was “to sting people and whip them into a fury, all in the service of truth.”

The Greeks rewarded his truth seeking with death.

Fortunately we no longer execute our citizens for heresy. And we still quote Socrates.

Some of what you’ll learn in college will be invaluable. Some of it will be bullshit.

Here’s my advice, right from day one: Be a gadfly. Speak up if you think what you’re hearing is bullshit. Never tone it down or talk baby talk. Never mumble or apologize in the defense of reason. Don’t bow to the

sensitivities of others. Don’t cower to political correctness.

Repudiate bullshit wherever you find it.

Reason is worth standing up for.

But be smart about it. Instead of telling people they’re espousing nonsense, ask why they believe what they believe.

Then really listen. Be genuinely open to changing your mind. Ask thoughtful questions. Examine the reasoning process that led to their conclusions. Keep your cool.

Probe. Then hone in and expose instances of unreason.

What we want to do is create a culture where we take responsibility for what we say, what we think, and what we do. Education isn’t just about you, it’s about the en-

vironment around you. And here’s what no one tells you: You can make students and professors more rational, more reasonable, and more thoughtful.

I’ve made a career of calling out bullshit of all kinds, from claims of alien abductions to belief in Jesus rising from the dead.

When challenging people’s beliefs, here’s one thing I’ve learned: People will respect you more, not less, if you’re blunt, honest, and direct.

This will make people uncomfortable.

When someone’s thinking is damaged, they’ll want to damage your thinking. They’ll try to slap you around. They’ll want to test you. They’ll want to see what you’re made of.

They’ll want you to give up.

How you respond to this matters. Use Socrates as a model. Seek truth. Be persistent. Toughen up. Take a punch and give a punch.

You’re in college. This is your time to grow up. PROFESSOR PETER BOGHOSSIAN Peter Boghossian teaches philosophy at Portland State University. Couldn’t win a coveted spot in one of Dr. Boghossian’s classes? You’re not alone. You can follow him on Twitter (@peterboghossian) or Facebook. Join his mailing list to learn about upcoming public lectures and debates, from your mobile phone text “DELUSION” + your email address to 22333.

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September 13, 2012 Portland Mercury 23

MY, WHAT A BUSY WEEK! OUR ARTS AND ENTERTAINMENT PICKS FOR THE WEEK OF SEPTEMBER 13-19 THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 13 OF MAZ DESTRUCTION—The Iran-born Bay Area comedian Maz Jobrani made a Middle Eastern splash with the Axis of Evil comedy tour. The man’s done sets for soldiers, kings, queens, and now you, Portland hipsters. The arched-eyebrowed stand-up’s got some funny stuff to say about race and having a bald, bald head. CF Helium Comedy Club, 1510 SE 9th, Thurs 8 pm, Fri-Sat 7:30 & 10 pm, $22-32

HOT YACHT—Every time I see YACHT perform it’s somehow crazier than the last. More dancing! More sweating! More triangle cultishness!

Therefore, expectations for this show, with headliner Hot Chip, are at an all-time high. If the combined frictional forces of their joyous dance tunes literally don’t melt the dance floor, I’ll go home sad. SM Crystal Ballroom, 1332 W Burnside, 9 pm, $35, all ages

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 14 BUCKING BRONCHOS—If you’re looking for needle-red rock, Broncho rip through their garage pop nuggets at full throttle. In their wake, the Oklahoma band will leave behind swinging hips, smiling faces, snapping fingers, and possibly a grease stain or two. NL w/Bad Weather California, the Lovely Bad Things, Jaret Ferratusco; Bunk Bar, 1028 SE Water, 9 pm, $10

STUNTIN’—Calling all fans of motorcycles, stunts, and The Fast and the Furious! Check out Motorcycle Madness today and Saturday at PIR, where the best stunt riders in the world compete to see who’s the best at wheelies, drifting, acrobatics, and insane motorbike trickery. Plus a sport bike display, beer garden, MX racing, and more! WSH Portland International Raceway, 1940 N Victory, Fri-Sat 5-10 pm, $10-20

SOLD

OUT

Demimonde

by Marjorie Skinner

NORTHEAST BROADWAY could use a little shine. With East Burnside and the west end of downtown on everybody’s lips, it’s nice to see that new-store buzz still catch on Portland’s trustier old thoroughfares. And Broadway’s latest acquisition is a bona fide get: Rachael Donaldson of Demimonde jewelry has spent the past two years as part of the collective behind boutique/studio Haunt, one of the crown jewels of the 811 E Burnside building. Now, she is opening Demimonde boutique, mixing her own designs with a jumble of vintage and other Portland designers. As of press time, Demimonde was due to swing its door open for the first time on Wednesday, September 12.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 15 XOXO—The tech/innovation-oriented XOXO Fest sold out on Kickstarter in two days, so if you don’t already have a badge, you’re probably not getting into Community creator Dan Harmon’s keynote speech. HOWEVER! The fest offers plenty of free film, music, and gaming-oriented events are free, including an artist-oriented market featuring food carts and a full lineup of readings

by Reading Frenzy authors. AH XOXO Market at YU, 800 SE 10th, Fri-Sun 9:30 am - 6 pm, FREE, see xoxofest.com for details

RIVALRY—Though our Portland Timbers still hover at the bottom of the Western Conference standings, it’s a good thing we’re not fairweather fans! That’s why our boys will need all our support as they face those #3-ranked despicable Seattle Sounders. Let’s scream them all the way back up I-5! WSH Jeld-Wen Field, 1844 SW Morrison, 12:30 pm, $25-135, broadcast on NBC

TRIPLE THREAT—Nurses make a welcome return to the local stage! Last year, the art rockers released Dracula, a record that found the headrush-inducing zone between pretty, balmy pop and chopped-and-screwed dance beats. With the bill rounded out by hometown acts like the tangled, terrific Aan and the buttrock blitz of Hookers, this is the place to be. NL Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi, 9 pm, $11

DEMIMONDE CHRISTINE TAYLOR

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 16 OSCAR WAO—Author Junot Díaz won a Pulitzer Prize for his great 2008 novel The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao, a funny, insightful read about a chubby Dominican nerd and his family.

Now Díaz returns to short stories with This Is How You Lose Her. AH Bagdad Theater, 3702 SE Hawthorne, 7 pm, $26.95 (includes a copy of book)

CUCKOO FOR KESEY—Ken Kesey was a goddamn Oregon treasure, and tonight’s booze-fueled bash celebrates the 50th anniversary of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, with festivities hosted by Matt Love and Kick Ass Oregon History’s Doug Kenck-Crispin, and music by 1939 Ensemble. AH Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi, 7:30 pm, $6-8

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 17 SEVEN—Akira Kurosawa’s phenomenal Seven Samurai has been respected, studied, ripped off, remade, and—most importantly—enjoyed for 58 years. This weekend, you can see this classic as you were meant to, on 35mm, at the Hollywood Theatre! EH Hollywood Theatre, 4122 NE Sandy, Sat-Mon, see Movie Times at portlandmercury.com for showtimes, $5-7

GENTLE REMINDER—It’s been nine long years since the Jealous Sound released their last album, but the Los Angeles group dropped A Gentle Reminder this year, which sees them back in form. With echoes of Sunny Day Real Estate’s Jeremy Enigk and Death Cab, they’re going to make Bunk’s sandwiches a bit difficult to swallow past that lump in your throat. CF w/Daytrader; Bunk Bar, 1028 SE Water, 9 pm, $10-12

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 18 LOST SUMMER—Summer’s almost over, and if you haven’t seen Lost Lander you’ve failed as a Portlander. They’re one of our city’s breakout artists of 2012, and for good reason! Their debut album, DRRT, features some damn infectious tunes—they’ll get you out of your seat regardless of your mood. So go see ’em and redeem your rep. LC w/Ravenna Woods, Royal Canoe; Bunk Bar, 1028 SE Water, 9 pm, $10

MAYORAL INQUISITION!—Normally, when we do endorsement interviews, we pack candidates into our most claustrophobic conference room and shut the door until it’s done. Not this time. When we chat with mayoral finalists Charlie Hales and Jefferson Smith, we’d like YOU to join us. So we’re having it at a bar and inviting special guests to ask questions, too. Including yours! DCT Rontoms, 600 E Burnside, 8:30 pm, FREE, 21+

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 19 VHS—Seattle’s beloved Scarecrow Video is coming to Portland—for a one-night-only presentation of weird crap culled from their massive VHS collection! All of it’s grouped around the theme Sports, Leisure, and Videotape, and we’ll leave it at this: Both “the human drama of athletic competition” and “full-frontal male nudity” are promised. EH Hollywood Theatre, 4122 NE Sandy, 7:30 pm, $7 24 Portland Mercury September 13, 2012

THIS IS WAR—Because it is the only truly useful information on the planet (and beyond!), tonight’s trivia battle will consist only of Star Wars-related facts! The Mercury is putting forth our most formidable team of asthmatic weaklings to retain the championship crown, which has been, is, and ever shall be OURS. Proof: Their team name is Samuel L. Jaxxon. MS Eagles Lodge, 4904 SE Hawthorne, 8 pm, FREE

DEMIMONDE CHRISTINE TAYLOR

“It was a bittersweet decision,” Donaldson says of her decision to exit Haunt, where she’d been partnered with Seaplane co-founder Holly Stalder and author/designer Laura Irwin Flores, and which will continue to sell her designs. “Both mine and Holly’s needs at the location were changing and it just felt like the right time… Haunt was an invaluable learning experience that gave me the courage to take the next step.”

There is no retail experience more satisfying than a small, personal space curated by an interesting, inquisitive person of good taste, and Donaldson’s increasingly elaborate and impressive jewelry designs bode well for Demimonde’s environment. To start, she’ll be joining her pieces with excerpts from Sword + Fern, Julia Barbee, Haunt’s Flores, LA/Portland jewelry and watch design firm Upper Metal Class, small-batch soaps and apothecary from Maak Soap Lab, letterpress by Studio Olivine, and products from pattern design studio Pattern People. “It’s going to be the quirky little boutique I’ve dreamed of,” promises Donaldson. Demimonde, 2428 NE Broadway, demimondejewelry.com

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September 13, 2012 Portland Mercury 25

Alberta Rose Theatre Thursday, September 13th

MATT THE

ELECTRICIAN +

JOHN ELLIOTT

Friday, September 14th

Keystone REvisited featuring the music of

jerry garica and merL saunders

+ miriams well Saturday, September 15th WANDERLUST PRESENTS

THe

Wonderland Circus WITH SPECIAL GUESTS

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an acoustic evening with

VICCI MARTINEZ and LAURA IVANCIE

Wednesday, September 19th

MATT SCHOFIELD

Friday, September 21st

COYOTE GRACE CD RELEASE

WITH SPECIAL GUESTS

FAST RATTLER

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(503) 764-4131 3000 NE Alberta AlbertaRoseTheatre.com 26 Portland Mercury September 13, 2012

MUSIC

Rainbow in the Dark

Gaytheist is Exactly What it Sounds Like by Mark Lore JASON RIVERA might be the most cation was learning what not to do. “Some sharply dressed man ever to front a band bands I’ve played with were too serious. I don’t want to be like that.” capable of leveling a city block.

Gaytheist There is plenty to chuckWearing a polka-dotted bowtie, Fri Sept 14 le about in Rivera’s lyrics— pressed shirt, and khaki pants, Kenton Club but songs like “Stampede of Rivera is sharing a plate of black- 2025 N Kilpatrick Savings,” which pokes fun at eyed peas and collard greens with Black Friday, and the excellently heavy drummer Nick Parks, discussing their and tuneful “Post-Apocalyptic Lawsuit,” newish project Gaytheist. about a dystopian world with no one left to Yes, Gaytheist. sue—use satire in the best possible way.

“It was one of about 200 names,” says Rivera, the band’s only gay member, also River, explaining that their original name, touches on more personal topics, includPower Bottom, was already taken. “It not only tickles me, but I am a gay atheist. I ing, well, a being a gay atheist.

Rivera g rew up i n Va ncouver, knew a lot of the subject matter would fit Washington, spending his teens headwith the name.” banging to classic American thrash. He Although the name has the potential to came out in high school, although the maturn off some listeners before they ever chismo in metal had already been rubbing hear a note—either for what it repreRivera the wrong way.

By 1990 he traded sents, or more likely for the silliness facin his Metallica cassettes for R.E.M., and tor—this is some serious shit. Gaytheist’s it would be years before Rivera got back new full-length, Stealth Beats, contains 12 fi reballs of rock that carry on the into the heavy rock he grew up loving.

“Karp is what got me back into heavy tradition of Pacific Northwest heavies music,” Rivera says. “Fuck it, you know? I like Karp and the Melvins. It’s not quite don’t have to take it so personally.” metal, but it is heavy. While the metal Over the past few years Rivera played influence looms in the precision riffs of in a handful of what he calls vanity proj“Bland!” and “Talk Doctor,” what sepaects, including Sprinkles (pronounced rates Gaytheist from the eternally brow“ Thprinkles”) and Females—heavy furrowed genre is that they can take a bands with a lighter, sardonic touch. joke. And there are even… hooks?

Gaytheist began similarly to Rivera’s “I want to play metal shows, but I’m glad other projects—the plan being nothing we’re not full-on metal,” says Rivera, exmore than to record an album, play a few plaining that a big part of his musical edu-

Mumbo Jumbo

MUSIC

Mike Coykendall’s Doll House of Sound by Ned Lannamann

MIKE COYKENDALL opens his bag, the past few years of him “winging it” in pulls out a journal, and sets it on the table. front of the tape recorder resulted in the On each page are handwritten lyrics, or sprawling, adventurous Chasing Away the Dots. It’s being released ideas for lyrics.

“I always have something Mike Coykendall as both a single and a double Sat Sept 15 album: The single-disc vinyl like this in the works,” he says.

Doug Fir release—an abridged version “For example, if you had told 830 E Burnside that was “a fi nancial decime you were going to be late, I would have opened this up and I would sion”—is a condensation of the 25-track have sat here and looked at a blank page double disc, which is available only as a for a little while. And then I might have digital download. In both cases, the reheard one line in my head, and I’d write cord’s scope is both expansive and acutely that down, and then I’d start thinking of tight. Each song plays with a different a song—the rhythm, or the delivery of genre in miniature: Anglophile psychedelia, West Coast country-rock, garagethe words.”

Since 1982, Coykendall (pronounced gutter blues, post-apocalyptic hush-folk.

It’s the type of rock record that rarely “Kirk-in-doll”) has fi lled maybe 100 of these notebooks, and most of the songs gets made anymore, where each track is he’s written began as ideas in these books. an experimental roll of the dice. Taken on “Every so often, I’ll grab a stack of the individual terms, the songs work wondermore recent ones, plug in the four-track, fully, but it’s to Coykendall’s credit that put on the headphones, get my guitar, Dots hangs together with such cohesion piece through it like this,” he says, fl ipping and coherence—it’s the work of a master craftsman who’s been a careful student through the pages, “and wing it.”

It’s possible that Coykendall is better of what made classic records so classic. known as a producer and sideman, hav- Dots is both catchy and willfully weird, ing worked on records by She and Him, the type of skewed pop that record collecBright Eyes, Blitzen Trapper, and others. tors salivate over.

“I’ve been in my mid-40s since I startBut he’s always been armed with a stack of notebooks of his own material, and ed making this record,” says Coykendall,

house shows, and move on. But things changed. Stealth Beats is Gaytheist’s third LP, and first for formidable Seattle label Good to Die Records. It’s the first record Rivera’s been part of that he’s truly happy with.

It helps that Gaytheist includes an airtight rhythm section, consisting of Parks—who played drums in Nihilist and El Cerdo—and Tim Hoff on bass. It’s a heavy good time—just ask the members.

Best of all Gaytheist could give new meaning to the phrase, “Fuck ’em if they can’t take a joke.”

“I just sing about what I want to sing about,” Rivera says. “I don’t worry about it too much. I realize I can’t write anything serious.”

DARREN HIGGINS

GAYTHIEST Best band photo ever? Yes. Yes it is.

whose father passed away during Dots’ recording period. “And there are things you start thinking about around that time a little bit, and I have an interesting angle on that: I’m still doing all the things I was doing when I was 25—I haven’t stopped.

I’ve evolved and changed, but I still kind of have the same life I had then. And I feel lucky to have this connection to youth, but also I know time is limited, so it’s dealing with a little bit of that kind of stuff.”

In the meantime, Coykendall took his cue from another album that used the

kitchen sink approach. “I actually at one point was going to try to make it a secret companion to the White Album, where it had 30 tracks, and I would pick the track of mine that most reminded me of ‘Rocky Raccoon,’ and tried to sequence it that way. That was really hard—to get my record to work using their template. So I gave up on that and made mine a 25-song double disc. Unfortunately, I’m not quite as good as the Beatles. I’m trying! There’s only one of me, and I have to be George Martin, too.”

MIKE COYKENDALL Awww, look at the cute kitty! :)

Comment on these stories at portlandmercury.com

September 13, 2012 Portland Mercury 27

Coming Soon!

Rose City Food Park - Portland’s newest food cart pod.

FEATURING: Delicious Foods • Children’s Play Area • Pet Friendly • Ample Parking • ATM • Bike Parking • Covered Seating • Events

Look for us on NE Sandy between NE 52nd and NE 53rd

Opening September 21st!

Bagel-burgers, Eggs, Smoked Salmon, Home Fries, Taylor Ham, Fresh-squeezed OJ

Vendors interested in leasing or questions about Rose City Food Park can call 503-358-0705.

BAGEL & BOX Weekdays 8-2 Weekends 9-2

4707 N. Lombaard (Western Meats parking lot) tweet: @bagelandbox or facebook.com/bagelandbox

28 Portland Mercury September 13, 2012

Bagel-burgers, Eggs, Smoked Salmon, Home Fries, Taylor Ham, Fresh-squeezed OJ

BAGEL & BOX Weekdays 8-2 Weekends 9-2

4707 N. Lombaard (Western Meats parking lot) tweet: @bagelandbox or facebook.com/bagelandbox

Coming Soon!

Rose City Food Park - Portland’s newest food cart pod.

FEATURING: Delicious Foods • Children’s Play Area • Pet Friendly • Ample Parking • ATM • Bike Parking • Covered Seating • Events

Look for us on NE Sandy between NE 52nd and NE 53rd

Opening September 21st!

Vendors interested in leasing or questions about Rose City Food Park can call 503-358-0705.

OPEN 7 DAYS A WEEK

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OPEN 7 DAYS A WEEK

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AN WAFFLE EXPERIENCE

AN WAFFLE EXPERIENCE

September 13, 2012 Portland Mercury 29

8028 SE Stark Street, Portland, OR • 503.261.1180 • www.tubandtan.com 30 Portland Mercury September 13, 2012

On Assignment

Minden Migrates West with Magic Music by Ryan J. Prado

MUSIC

WHEN A BAND decides to leave their a miracle,” says Burge. “It’s a leap of faith, hometown, take their project to more fer- where you can either be rewarded or you can totally fail.” tile environs, and pile into the Minden Exotic Cakes ought to bail the same house to live together, it’s Thurs Sept 13 band out of any pessimism about probably best not to be coy about Doug Fir your motivations.

830 E Burnside their move. The album’s silky smooth caress of trippy funk and “I think the big goal is to grab someone’s attention who has the solid-gold pop is deceptively honest—and ability to project us to greater heights polished to the point of glam on invigoratand put us in the ears of more people,” ing cuts like “This Whole World Loves says Minden vocalist and primary song- Me” and “Gold Standard.”

With the record’s release and upcoming writer Casey Burge.

So it is with Minden, a six-piece stoner- shows booked, Minden can’t afford to look soul crew that’s brimming with droopy- back now. Besides, they’re visibly excited eyed, dance-ready panache and scruffy to be taking root in a new city.

“People kept asking us, “Why would charisma. During a recent visit to the band’s new Northeast Portland home— you move to Portland?” says keyboardist dubbed Minden Manor—the band wore Dan Talmadge. “We say that a lot of times their ambition on their sleeves. Luckily, when we’re on a hike or somewhere totally they’ve got the chops, the sexiness (in the beautiful, or we book another cool show: form of glittery spandex, mustaches, and ‘I’m just wondering (sigh) why would anylots of melody), and the sense of humor to one wanna move here?’”

“The BBQ around here is kind of weak, back it up.

The band moved from Kansas City though,” adds Burge. in June, but they’ve already played a handful of shows here. After releasing two seven-inches back home, they arrived in Portland armed with a completed debut album, Exotic Cakes. In Kansas, the band was selling out shows at an increasingly narrow batch of venues, but hit the ceiling regionally. It was time for a change in scenery.

“Our plan was to move away from our hometown and bank on MINDEN Another kitty?! Yay!!! :)

Don’t Throw That Out Yet

Bob Mould Enters the Silver Age by Morgan Troper

MUSIC

EVEN IF you’ve only marginally followed rial is more complementary than anything Bob Mould’s career over the last decade or else in Mould’s solo canon from the last 20 so, you’re aware the songwriter has veered years. And thankfully, this stylistic reverslightly off the straight, smoldering pop- sion doesn’t seem like mere amenable pandering either, as Silver Age is punk trail he blazed with Hüsker Bob Mould also, perhaps not so coincidenDü and Sugar—much to the disWed Sept 19 tally, the most organic-soundmay of fervent fans of his aggresWonder Ballroom ing record Mould has released sive material. Beginning with 128 NE Russell in ages. The fi rst single off the 2002’s befuddling electronica misstep Modulate through to 2009’s intro- record, “The Descent”—whose music spective, acoustic-oriented Life and Times video was shot in Portland, I might add— (with an occasional grand slam in between, is perhaps the greatest pop gem Mould’s notably a few songs off 2005’s Body of Song), penned since his glory days with Sugar.

Thematically, the album tends to slip Bob Mould had ostensibly chilled out quite a bit. Even the select cuts that did feature into some awfully dark territory: The lyrhis signature sonic walls—and I do mean ics in opening cut “Star Machine” read walls—of gutsy, overdriven guitars sound- like a dissertation on the ephemeral naed submissive and lackadaisical compared to ture of fame, and parts of “The Descent” seem like Mould acknowledging his intheir antecedents.

His latest release, Silver Age, is prob- evitable death. The ferocious guitars and ably the closest we’ll ever get to a fourth Wurster’s galvanic drumming compleSugar record, and I’m personally more ment these sentiments marvelously, and than satisfied with the results. It’s no sur- offer a drastic—but welcome—contrast to prise, then, that Mould is playing both Mould’s last few solo records (although the this latest record and his alternative rock Who-esque rock ’n’ roll tribute “Keep Bemasterpiece Copper Blue back-to-back in lieving” and closer “First Time Joy” are their entirety on his upcoming tour (with among Mould’s sunnier compositions). On an all-star band, featuring Jon Wurster of the title track, Mould sings that he’s “nevSuperchunk on drums and Jason Narducy er too old to contain his rage,” and that’s from Split Single on bass). This new mate- cause for celebration.

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32 Portland Mercury September 13, 2012

UP&COMING THIS WEEK’S MUSIC PREVIEWS

NUDE BEACH Slabtown, 9/14

CRYSTAL FIGHTERS, Wonder Ballroom, 6/2

THURSDAY 9/13 HOT CHIP, YACHT

(Crystal Ballroom, 1332 W Burnside) See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 24.

ADVENTURE GALLEY, MINDEN, SHY GIRLS (Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside) Minden’s record release show is headlined by Adventure Galley, whose lone EP, The Right Place to Be, is just as addictive today as when it was released two years ago. With inspiring synth hooks and ’80s power chords behind a monolith of indie-rock vocals, they are poised to soundtrack a mid-’80s period piece about teenagers who find meaning by partaking in racy dancing. The unpolished vocals—at times halting, at times passionate—provide an alluring contrast with the lustrous production. Meanwhile, a new album is on the way, and advance track “Weekend Lovers” is on Soundcloud. Shy Girls is the project of Dan Vidmar, Ingmar Carlson, and Dan Sutherland, and it doesn’t technically involve any girls, though it does sound quite a bit like a make-out fantasy involving En Vogue and Salt-n-Pepa. Laid-back and sexy, the thin production and unapologetically digital drums are the perfect setup for a long night of martini drinking and sex having. REBECCA WILSON Also see Music, pg. 31.

THE FRESH AND ONLYS, GRASS WIDOW, TERRY MALTS

Records used to be, and they stocked all the cool shit Tower wouldn’t—hence the name.) Originally hailing from Long Island, Nude Beach sounds like they were raised on WNEW and outdoor concerts at Jones Beach; their jangly fi st-pumpers initially elicit comparisons to vintage Elvis Costello and early Tom Petty, but quickly assert themselves as their own individual entities. Roky Erickson is taking them on tour as his backing band later this year, but you don’t need the godfather of American psychedelia’s blessing—Nude Beach are making rock ’n’ roll the way god intended: catchy, snappy, a little sloppy, and with sand in the crotch. NED LANNAMANN

BUCKETHEAD, BEN SAMPLES (Crystal Ballroom, 1332 W Burnside) Even if you don’t really give a shit about Buckethead—in which case, welcome to the club, we’re nearing capacity—you have to admire how frighteningly prolific the guy (girl? animatron?) is. For the last 10 years, Bucky’s been sticking to a four-LP-a-year average, while also touring—as a solo artist, briefly as a member of Colonel Claypool’s Bucket of Bernie Brains, and (controversially) Guns N Roses. He is a diligent-ass dude. On the other hand, though, how hard can it be to pump a record out when you’re a “virtuoso guitarist”? His latest, The Shores of Molokai, suggests it isn’t very difficult at all, as the tracks all sound rather lazily assembled. Maybe this will be the show where he finally removes his disguise? MT

(Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi) While San Francisco has no shortage of bands enmeshed in ’60s pop in one form or another, the Fresh and Onlys continue to push it in sparkly new directions. That’s to say the band’s latest LP, Long Slow Dance, is a wonderfully lush earworm that has more in common with the Cure than, say, the Seeds. The record is unabashedly sweet and sentimental, brought home by Tim Cohen’s echoed vocals and guitars that are less fuzzy and more reverb-drenched than ever. Don’t let the slickness of the recording frighten you—you can’t fault a band that wants to move out of their parents’ garage and take a swan dive into the Paisley Underground. MARK LORE

CHICAGO

FRIDAY 9/14

MIKE COYKENDALL, OLD LIGHT, 1939 ENSEMBLE

BRONCHO, BAD WEATHER CALIFORNIA, LOVELY BAD THINGS, JARET FERRATUSCO (Bunk Bar, 1028 SE Water) See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 24.

GAYTHEIST, MINOTON, COUGAR (Kenton Club, 2025 N Kilpatrick) See Music, pg. 27.

THE VIBRATORS, BOATS!, BLUE SKIES FOR BLACK HEARTS, THE CRY (Ash Street Saloon, 225 SW Ash) We should all be very grateful that a classic, illustrious British punk band like the Vibrators would even bother playing in this city at a modest venue like Ash Street (in a perfect world, they’d be headlining the Rose Garden, but this world is clearly far from perfect). The group’s 1977 debut, Pure Mania (which is consistently voted one of the best punk LPs of all time), is probably the best place to start: 15 immaculate pop hits in under 35 minutes—what an incredible value! But it’s hardly where you should stop: the band’s oft-eclipsed sophomore effort V2 is every bit as good. Just listen to the excellent “Fall In Love”— turns out Big Star wasn’t the only band Paul Westerberg was stealing from. MORGAN TROPER

NUDE BEACH, DIVERS, DEFECT DEFECT, BI-MARKS, DJ KEN DIRTNAP (Slabtown, 1033 NW 16th) Go ahead, Google “Nude Beach.” I dare ya. If you’re lucky—or if you throw the word “band” in your search phrase—you’ll come across the fucking splendid New York trio, who just released their just-as-Google-proof album II on the new imprint of renowned Manhattan record emporium Other Music. (It’s across the street from where Tower

sat. 9/15 xinr record release with danava

(Oregon Zoo, 4001 SW Canyon) Before they turned into what was essentially a Peter Cetera solo vehicle (god forbid), Chicago was actually a neat little rock ’n’ roll band, combining symphonic elements with solid pop songcraft while, almost inconceivably, managing to avoid prog-rock grandiosity. Chicago II, in particular, is a great record ripe for rediscovery (“Make Me Smile” and “25 or 6 to 4” are arguably the band’s best known compositions from their early period, and for good reason). Anything beyond that, tread cautiously. MT

SATURDAY 9/15 (Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside) See Music, pg. 27.

NURSES, AAN, HOOKERS, DJ JD SAMSON (Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi) Portland freak-pop quartet Aan have turned heads regionally ever since vocalist/guitarist Bud Wilson began the then-solo project in his bedroom in 2006. Wilson’s songs have absorbed melodic intricacies that are hard to pack into a band’s catalog, let alone single songs.

Vocal vitality notwithstanding, the spooky, effectsheavy husk of 2011 7-inch single “Somewhere’s Sunshine” was only a litmus test for the band’s upcoming full-length, Amor Ad Nauseum (incidentally, the band’s original name before it was shortened to an acronym).

“I Don’t Need Love,” a teaser track from the new album, explodes with keys, crafty guitar solos, and macabre lyrical railing. The group is likely to play some tracks from the new album tonight; get there early for Le Tigre’s JD Samson on the wheels of steel, and stay late for Nurses! RYAN J. PRADO Also see My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 24.

ANTHRAX, TESTAMENT, DEATH ANGEL (Roseland, 8 NW 6th) Anthrax may always be considered the bottom rung of thrash metal’s Big Four, which includes Slayer, Megadeth, and Metallica. A lot of that is of course based on record sales, rather than actual recorded output. Since their formation nearly three decades ago, Anthrax has—for better or worse— fused metal and hiphop with Public Enemy (one of the fi rst metal bands to do so), and have taken themselves far less seriously than their brow-furrowed brothers in metal. After years of fl oundering in the proverbial mosh pit of life, Anthrax are again fi ring on all cylin-

Happy Hour 2 – 8pm Everyday!

Full Bar & Menu Until 2:30am 3267 SE Hawthorne Blvd.

503-239-1143

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34 Portland Mercury September 13, 2012

UP COMING &

BACK TO SCHOOL IN EUGENE Double Tee, Kesey & showbox presenT:

THIS WEEK’S MUSIC PREVIEWS

ders. OG vocalist Joey Belladonna has returned to the fold, and the band’s 2011 album Worship Music might be their crowning achievement. It surely slays anything Metallica or Megadeth have done over the past two decades. ML

HEY LOVER, PATAHA HISS, THE BUGS (Lion’s Eye Tavern, 5919 SE 82nd) Hey Lover are going to Europe! Maybe! With your help! That’s where this show comes into play: Tonight the married two-piece of Justin Varga and Terah Beth Baltzer Varga are raising money for their upcoming European tour the old-fashioned way: via adorable, energetic, drunk-huggy, punky pop. Their Tennessee was one of the most charming and downright fun local records released last year, and if you haven’t heard it, you want to be at this show. If you have heard it, you want to be at this show, too. Hey Lover are taking over the back patio of their local bar, and have enlisted some of their Hovercraft Records labelmates to help out. Pataha Hiss and the Bugs are no strangers to super-fun rock scuzz either, so now you know where all the good times are tonight: Way the hell out on 82nd Avenue. The show’s free with a suggested donation of five bucks, and when you consider that converts to, like, a Euro and a half, it’s the least you can do. NL

XINR (Q&A), DANAVA, DJ DENNIS DREAD (East End, 203 SE Grand) Calling every metal lover and metal musician in Portland! You’ve gotta know your roots, or if you can dig deep enough, your seeds! Any given music scene in any given city, whether it be metal, jazz, or indie-whatever-boringness, was sparked and evolved from the bands that originally birthed it. Every band after them, for years to come, owes them thanks for the initial inspiration. Enter—or rather re-enter—Xinr (pronounced ex-sinner). Formed in ’83, recorded and played shows in ’84, tragically destroyed in ’85 by a motorcycle accident that killed vocalist Tony Saiz and guitarist Shaun Tramel, Xinr is arguably Portland’s first and best heavy metal band. We’re talking tough, taut, hard-strutting, no-fooling heavy metal—the real deal.

In ’84 the band recorded 11 songs, only one of which made it onto 1985’s Pacific Metal Project compilation.

Thanks to local label Unseen Forces, all 11 tracks are now pressed to vinyl. Tonight the long-lost Xinr album will be played in its entirety, and the surviving members will be there to answer questions—plus Danava will play some of their stuff and a few Xinr songs. ARIS WALES

BOORS, TURBO PERFECTO, TWO HANDS (The Know, 2026 NE Alberta) A decent amount of attention is already being paid to the Builders and the Butchers side-project Albatross after only a few shows earlier this year. Not as well known for some reason is the Builders’ bastard stepchild, prog/metal/punk trio Turbo Perfecto. The band released a 22-minute long track in summer 2011, dubbed appropriately “The Song,” within which a nonstop deluge of switched gears and breakneck drumbeats ensue. Ranging from Sabbath-y guitar interludes to manic Maiden riffage, through dense walls of wah-wah and their bread-andbutter instrumental shredding, Turbo are basically freaks of nature. Bassist Harvey Tumbleson eschews the delicate stringplay of his Builders banjo/mandolin tandem for monstrous low-end distortion, while drummer Justin Baier and guitarist Joe Simon (both also of yesteryear psych rockers Dr. Helicopter) radiate equally ferocious runs of schizophrenic rock. RJP

SUNDAY 9/16

ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO’S NEST 50TH ANNIVERSARY PARTY: 1939 ENSEMBLE (Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi) See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 24.

THE PAUSES, THE SLIDELLS, JOSH AND MER (Tonic Lounge, 3100 NE Sandy) Like ’N Sync, the Pauses are from Orlando, but let’s not hold that against them. It’s pretty clear this trio spent the boyband years absorbing the entire Saddle Creek catalog.

Their debut, A Cautionary Tale, is as poppily sincere as anything from Rilo Kiley, except that just when you begin to take a song for granted, they wrench the carpet out from under your feet. Take “Little Kids,” a song that starts out as a sweetheart confessional, with a mid-tempo synth riff; after a few verses of navel gazing—and an instrumental breakdown midway through— Tierney Tough breaks into a full-on lyrical assault that completely belies the tenderness of just a few minutes ago. Opening are the Slidells, who play doo-wop that sounds exactly like something really awful is about to happen in a David Lynch movie. RW

MONDAY 9/17

THE JEALOUS SOUND, DAYTRADER (Bunk Bar, 1028 SE Water) Forgive me, Jealous Sound, for not giving your latest album, A Gentle Reminder, a fair chance upon its release. It’s just that it

sounds so much like Kill Them with Kindness, your 2000 release that I love, love, LOVE, that I just decided to skip listening to the new songs altogether and go back to the old favorites. My bad. After I forced myself to give it one more listen—to prep for the show, to write this blurb—I discovered it’s actually a pretty nice album on its own. I like the extra injection of synth throughout, and “Promise of the West” fl irts with a Pinback vibe. My only gripe: “Perfect Timing” sounds a bit too much like Kings of Leon’s “Use Somebody.” Just make sure you visit Kill Them with Kindness on tonight’s set list and we’ll be cool, okay? Okay! MEGAN SELING Also see My, What a Busy Week! , pg. 24.

OUTDOORS IN EUGENE!

TUESDAY 9/18

LOST LANDER, RAVENNA WOODS, ROYAL CANOE (Bunk Bar, 1028 SE Water) See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 24.

MIKE COYKENDALL (Music Millennium, 3158 E Burnside) See Music, pg. 27.

SAUL WILLIAMS (Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside) Saul Williams strikes that nebulous line between beat poetry and hiphop that only people with the utmost self-confi dence and talent can sell without looking like (and I speak from experience here) an embarrassing 14-year-old at a talent show. His fi fth album, Volcanic Sunlight, might better be called a mixtape, an album bound only by the listener’s sense of, “What the fuck is coming next?”

It plays like a karaoke set of all of Williams’ favorite genres, except that he made up the lyrics. The title track is a freewheeling rant (the only one on the album) backed by a wall of drums and sinister horns.

With a blithe disregard for generic convention, it’s followed by the soulful “Patience,” the post-industrial funk of “Explain My Heart,” and the videogame synth of “Diagram.” The single, “Dance,” is the standout, largely because it’s a duet with Janelle Monáe. RW

TRAVIS PORTER • YG

Sept 25th • Cuthbert AmphitheAter • 7pm • All AgeS

WEDNESDAY 9/19 BOB MOULD, THE THERMALS

OUTDOORS IN EUEGENE!

(Wonder Ballroom, 128 NE Russell) See Music, pg.

31.

SONDRE LERCHE, FANCY COLORS (Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside) Coffee-shop playlists and fi rst dances following matrimony share an equally strong adoration of Sondre Lerche. Why? He’s got this unassuming charm about the way he conducts himself—a nostalgic, boyish charm galvanized through simple-hearted lyrics that never approach maudlin, and an appreciation for the softer faces of folk and harmony. Bootlegs, his latest release, is a perfect soundtrack to prime any anticipated live experience of Lerche, given that, well, it’s a live album, but also because it catalogs the songwriter at his highest peak of confi dence. And with six full-lengths embedded in his career (his debut, Faces Down, was released in 2001 when he was 19), he’s defi nitely earned himself the adjective most creatives seek: prolifi c. JONATHAN MAGDALENO

LABELMATES: PICTORIALS, UNKLE FUNKLE, DJ E*ROCK, DJ CUICA, DJ SAHELSOUNDS (Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison) Holocene’s yearly recurring Labelmates party returns, turning the idea of the record fair on its ear—this being Portland, it’s more like a farmers market than a convention. A bevy of local labels, including High Scores and Records, Bladen County, Tender Loving Empire, Mama Bird Recording Co., and lots and lots of others, all set up tables in the same room. And if all that local bounty were not enough to generate intrigue, there are DJs, live music from Unkle Funkle and Pictorials (who have their own debut EP coming out October 1), video premieres, and a raffle. NL

THE SECRET DRUM BAND, DUBAI (Revival Drum Shop, 1465 NE Prescott) The Creative Music Guild is probably one of Portland’s leastknown non-profits, but they’re one of the key players in archiving evolutions of the city’s deepest musical troves. Typically, local music ink here furthers genres documented in year-end “best of” lists, while bands of experimental and noise arrays commonly get the short end—but those musical pariahs (strictly referring to popularity) are usually the most accurate in expressing life in a city where it rains six months out of the year. Tonight, the CMG presents Secret Drum Band and Dubai in a continuation of the Outset Series, which hosts improvised sets by experimental groups at intimate locations free of charge. Your hearing might get fucked, but the alacrity these groups have for rhythmic collision is best experienced raw. JM

sepTember 26Th • 7pm • All Ages CuThberT AmphiTheATer

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September 13, 2012 Portland Mercury 35

36 Portland Mercury September 13, 2012

LIVE MUSIC THURSDAY 9/13

ALBERTA ROSE THEATRE—Matt the Electrician, John Elliot, 8 pm, $10-12 ★ AL’S DEN—Tango Alpha Tango, 7 pm, free ANDINA—Greg Wolfe, 7 pm ARTICHOKE MUSIC—Songwriter Roundup, 7 pm, $5 ASH STREET SALOON—Tribute Bands and Poetry: Heartworm, The Fashion Nuggets, 9:30 pm, $5 BACKSPACE—Bear & Moose, 9 pm, $6, all ages BIDDY MCGRAW’S—Vanport Drifters, 9 pm BLUE DIAMOND—Ben Jones, 9 pm BLUE MONK—Alan Jones, 8 pm BRASSERIE MONTMARTRE—John Butler, Al Criado, 5:30 pm BUFFALO GAP—Life in Stages, The Weather Machine, 9 pm, free CAMELLIA LOUNGE—Joe Manis Trio, George Colligan, 8 pm, $5 CORKSCREW WINE BAR—Frank Tribble, 8 pm ★ CRYSTAL BALLROOM—Hot Chip, YACHT , 9 pm, $35, all ages DANTE’S—Lawn Boy, 9 pm, $10 ★ DOUG FIR—Adventure Galley, Minden, Shy Girls, 9 pm, $5 DUFF’S GARAGE—Tough Love Pyle, 6 pm, $2; Barnyard Stompers, The Blast-O-Casters, 9 pm EAST BURN—Stefan Andrews, 10 pm, free EAST END—House of Light, Tender Age, Appendixes, 9 pm EAT: AN OYSTER BAR—Steve Cheseborough, 7 pm EDGEFIELD—Cool Water, Christine Havrilla, 7 pm, free THE ELIXIR LAB—Johnny D’s Community Jam, 7 pm ELLA STREET SOCIAL CLUB—Tigress, Reptilian Shape Shifters, Soccer Babes, Haviana Whaal, 9 pm, $5 FIRKIN TAVERN—Deaed Language, Strife, Northern Draw, Rey Holiday, 9 pm GEMINI LOUNGE—James McDermott, 9 pm, free GOODFOOT—Nix, Device Grips, Boomer, 9 pm, $7 GRAND CAFE/ANDREA’S CHA CHA CLUB—Pilon d’Azucar Salsa Band, 9:30 pm HALIBUT’S—Terry Robb, 8 pm, free HAWTHORNE THEATRE—Dinner With a Bear, I Reckon, Mosby, Subtle City, The Cicada Cycle, 7 pm, $8-10, all ages HEATHMAN—Johnny Martin, 7 pm IVORIES—Laura Cunard, 5:30 pm, free JADE LOUNGE—Song Circle: Brian McGinty, 7 pm JIMMY MAK’S—Mel Brown B3 Organ Band, 8 pm, $5 KELLS—David Ross, 9 pm KELLY’S OLYMPIAN—Rare Monk, Smiley Get Dressed, Mufasa, 9 pm, $5 KENNEDY SCHOOL—Left Coast Country, 7 pm, free, all ages KENTON CLUB—The Scree, 9 pm, free THE KNOW—Fever Dreams, Globe & Beast, 8 pm LANDMARK SALOON—The Pick Ups, 8:30 pm, free LAURELTHIRST PUBLIC HOUSE—Lewi Longmire Band , 6 pm; Sleeper Smiles, 9:30 pm LVS—Chance Hayden, 8:30 pm MISSISSIPPI PIZZA PUB—Mo Phillips, Jason & Johnny, 6 pm, free; Egg Plant, SS Curmudgeon, 9 pm ★ MISSISSIPPI STUDIOS—The Fresh & Onlys, Grass Widow, Terry Malts, 9 pm, $12 MOCK CREST TAVERN—Claes of the Blueprints, 8:30 pm MT. TABOR THEATER—Brothers Gow, The Lavanauts, Horse Bodies, Blue Lotus, 8:30 pm, $8 MUDDY RUDDER—Dan McCoy, 8 pm MUSIC MILLENNIUM—Acoustic Minds, 6 pm, free, all ages PETER’S ROOM AT THE ROSELAND—Aaron Watson, 8 pm, $13, all ages THE PRESS CLUB—Stu Cook Trio, 8 pm QUIMBY’S AT 19TH—Chris Baum Project, 9 pm, free RECORD ROOM—Our First Brains, Reptilian Shape Shifters, 8 pm RED ROOM—Street Metal, Witch Velvet, Old Hand, Super Desu, Swiss Army Jeff, Erik Anarchy, 8 pm, free THE REFECTORY—Desideratum, 8 pm SAVOY—De La Warr THE SECRET SOCIETY—Lone Madrone, 6 pm, all ages; Sentimental Gentlemen, 9 pm, $5 SLIM’S—Anna-Lisa, Trinium Project, 9 pm, free SOMEDAY LOUNGE—Wild Bells, Rick Bain & The Genius Position, Little Beirut , 9 pm, $6 THE SPARE ROOM—Sam Densmore, 9 pm, free STAR THEATER—Sorcha’s Busted Neck Bash: Whorehounds, Di Di Mau, Foreign Orange , BennyRox, Delaney & Paris, 8 pm, $5 TIGER BAR—Karaoke from Hell, 9:30 pm, free TONIC LOUNGE—Coastlands, Jonah Sissoyev, Skinny Jesus, Scissors to Tape, 9:30 pm VIE DE BOHEME—Jim’s Gypsy Jazz Jam WHITE EAGLE—The Brothers of the Hound, 5:30 pm, free; Hivemind, 8:30 pm, free WILF’S—Ellen, Gene & Jean, 7:30 pm

FRIDAY 9/14 ALBERTA STREET PUBLIC HOUSE—Mikey’s Irish Jam Session, 6:30 pm

★ AL’S DEN—Tango Alpha Tango, 7 pm, free ANDINA—Sambafeat, 8 pm ARTICHOKE MUSIC—Friday Night Coffeehouse, $5, all ages ★ ASH STREET SALOON—The Vibrators, Boats, Blue Skies for Black Hearts , The Cry, 9:30 pm, $8 BACKSPACE—Dancing Hats, Eidolons, Kelsey Morris, Midnight Kitchen, 9 pm, $5, all ages BIDDY MCGRAW’S—Lynn Conover, 6 pm, all ages; Mexican Gunfight, 9:30 pm BLUE DIAMOND—Ron Stephens & Freak Flag Fly, 9 pm BLUE MONK—Mike Damron, Jeremy Wilson, 9 pm BRANX—Bury Your Horses, Virtues, Deep Sea Vents, Hands for Battle, Censure, 7:30 pm, $6, all ages BRASSERIE MONTMARTRE—The Djangophiles, 8 pm BUFFALO GAP—Sam Eliad, 9 pm, free ★ BUNK BAR—Broncho, Bad Weather California, Lovely Bad Things, 9:30 pm, $10 CAMELLIA LOUNGE—Chris Riffle, Jimi Zhivago, 8 pm, $6 CANVAS ART BAR—Open Mic: Steve Huber, 7 pm, free, all ages CROWN ROOM—Noise: Doc Adam, 9 pm, $5 CRYSTAL BALLROOM—Buckethead, Ben Samples, 8 pm, $20-25, all ages DANTE’S—Steel Horse, 9 pm, $10 ★ DOUG FIR—Angus Stone, Tumbleweed Wanderers, 9 pm, $12-14 DUFF’S GARAGE—The Hamdogs, 6 pm, $2; The Lonesomes, Jawbone Flats, 9 pm EAST BURN—Closely Watched Trains, 10 pm, free EAST END—Queued Up, The Caste, American Friction, 9 pm EDGEFIELD—Muriel Stanton, 7 pm, free ELLA STREET SOCIAL CLUB—Jr. B Fresh, Liquid Anthrax, Prince R.O.B., Tre Mac, Iron Fist, 9 pm, $4 FIRKIN TAVERN—Northern, Drunk on Pines, Bleach Blonde Dudes, 9 pm, free FORD FOOD & DRINK—Anna & the Underbelly, 5 pm, free, all ages; Jeffrey Martin, 8 pm, free, all ages GOODFOOT—DJ Aquaman’s Soul Stew, 9 pm HALIBUT’S—A.C. Porter, 8 pm, free HAWTHORNE THEATRE—My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult, The Gentry , Adrian H & The Wounds, 7 pm, $20-23 HAWTHORNE THEATRE LOUNGE—C-Money, The Sindicate, 8 pm, $7-10 ISLAND MANA WINES—David & Goliath, 4 pm; Joe Marquand, 4:30 pm JADE LOUNGE—Boog, Anna Spackman, My Father’s Pocket Watch, 6 pm JIMMY MAK’S—Adult Education, Trixie & the Nasties, 7:30 pm KATIE O’BRIEN’S—Dwight Dickinson, Scnd Best, Benson Jones , 3 Round Burst, 9 pm, $4 KELLY’S OLYMPIAN—The Winebirds, Damn Divas, Mercy Graves, 9 pm, $5 ★ KENTON CLUB—Gaytheist, Minoton , Cougar, 9 pm, free THE KNOW—Bison Bison, Crag Dweller, Fellwoods, 8 pm LANDMARK SALOON—Pendleton, 7 pm LAURELTHIRST PUBLIC HOUSE—Woodbrain, 6 pm; Garcia Birthday Band, 9:30 pm LEWIS & CLARK COLLEGE—Fradreck & Sam Mujuru, 7 pm LVS—Ben Jones, 8:30 pm MISSISSIPPI PIZZA PUB—Jeff Jordan, 6 pm, free; Underscore Orkestra, 9 pm ★ MISSISSIPPI STUDIOS—Juno What, Netherfriends, 9 pm, $13-15 MOCK CREST TAVERN—Bottleneck Blues Band, 9 pm MT. TABOR THEATER—White Water Ramble, Twisted Whistle, 8:30 pm, $8 MUDDY RUDDER—Sportin’ Lifers, 8 pm ★ MUSIC MILLENNIUM—The Helio Sequence, 7 pm, free, all ages NEL CENTRO—Mike Pardew, 9:30 pm OREGON ZOO—Chicago, 7 pm, $58, all ages PLAN B—Excruciator, Blood of Kings, Revolution Overdue, Gladius, 8 pm PONDEROSA LOUNGE (AT JUBITZ)—Jonathan Harris, 9 pm, $2-5 PORTLAND SPIRIT—Redwood Son, 3 pm, $28 THE PRESS CLUB—The Druthers, 8 pm RECORD ROOM—The Hooded Hags, Western Hymn, 8 pm, $3-5 RED ROOM—Holgate, The Kilowatt Hour, Boston T Rex, Ghost Town Waltz, 9 pm, $5 ROSELAND—Dillon Francis, 9 pm, $25, all ages THE SECRET SOCIETY—Pete Krebs & His Portland Playboys, 6 pm, all ages; The Clambake Combo, 9 pm ★ SLABTOWN—Nude Beach, Divers, Defect Defect, Bi Marks, DJ Ken Dirtnap, 9 pm SLIM’S—Donkey the Lion, Objects in Space, Charming Birds, 9 pm SOMEDAY LOUNGE—Hannah Glavor, Josh Hoke, Annie Bethancourt, Wesley Randolph Eader Jr., 9 pm, $8 THE SPARE ROOM—Drop Dead Red, 9 pm STAR THEATER—Worth, Just People, Ruby Pines, Barisone, 9 pm, $10-30 THE TARDIS ROOM—Lew Jones, Ronnie Taylor, 8 pm; Ciara Carruthers, 10 pm

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DOWNTOWN • 1313 W. Burnside • 503.274.0961 EASTSIDE • 1931 NE Sandy Blvd. • 503.239.7610 BEAVERTON • 3290 SW Cedar Hills Blvd. • 503.350.0907 OPEN EVERYDAY AT 9 A.m. | www.EVERYDAYmusic.cOm September 13, 2012 Portland Mercury 37

38 Portland Mercury September 13, 2012

LIVE MUSIC THIRSTY LION—The Prescription, 9:30 pm TIGER BAR—Road to Rock Fest: Sketch the Rest, Halo Haven, 8 pm TONIC LOUNGE—When the Broken Bow, I am the Lake of Fire, Fur Coats, 9 pm TONY STARLIGHT’S—Shanghai Woolies, 8 pm, $12 TRADER VIC’S—Tribute to Frank Sinatra: John English, 5 pm TRIPLE NICKEL—Video Night Fever: DJ Stockholmz, 9:30 pm VIE DE BOHEME—Sultans of Slide THE WAYPOST—Coastlands, 8 pm THE WHISKEY BAR—Mochipet, Doc Riz, Tigerfresh, DJ Mystral, 9 pm, $12 WHITE EAGLE—The Reverb Brothers , 5:30 pm, free, all ages; Pheasant, 9:30 pm, $8 WILF’S—Greta Matassa Quartet, 7:30 pm

SATURDAY 9/15 ALBERTA ROSE THEATRE—Keystone Revisited, Miriam’s Well, 8 pm, $18-20 ★ AL’S DEN—Tango Alpha Tango, 7 pm, free ANDINA—Toshi Onizuka, 8 pm ARLENE SCHNITZER CONCERT HALL—Oregon Symphony, Kevin Cole, Sylvia McNair, Danny Gardner, 7:30 pm, $25-95 ARTICHOKE MUSIC—Succotash, 8 pm, $15 ASH STREET SALOON—Rum Rebellion , Pirate Radio, Manoverboard, Thorntown Tallboys, Dirty Kid Discount, 9 pm, $5 BACKSPACE—Mournful Congregation, Velnias, Hail, Anhedonist, 8 pm, $10, all ages BIDDY MCGRAW’S—The Barkers, 6 pm, all ages; Volifonix, 9:30 pm BLUE DIAMOND—Bottleneck Blues Band, 9 pm, free BLUE MONK—Ukeladies, 9 pm BRANX—Ritual Healing, Foal, Tanagra, Terraclipse, Deep Sea Vents, 9 pm, $8, all ages BRASSERIE MONTMARTRE—Martin Zarzar, 8 pm ★ BUNK BAR—Scott Kelly, Jason Traeger, 10 pm, $10 CAMELLIA LOUNGE—Hurqalya, 9 pm, $5 DANTE’S—Smoochknob, Crazy Like Me, Stealing Lucky, 9 pm, $12 ★ DOUG FIR—Mike Coykendall, Old Light, 1939 Ensemble, 9 pm, $8-10 DUFF’S GARAGE—DK Stewart & The Soul Survivor Horns, 9 pm, $10 ★ EAST END—Xinr, Danava, DJ Dennis Dread, 9 pm, $5 EDGEFIELD—Hanz Araki, Kathryn Claire, 11 am, free, all ages; The Druids, 1:30 pm, free, all ages; River City Bagpipe Band, 2 pm, free, all ages; The Mighty Few, 3 pm, free, all ages; Redlight Romeos, 3:30 pm, free, all ages; Danny Boy O’Haley, 5 pm, free; Shook Twins, 5:30 pm, free, all ages; Barn Door Slammers, 6 pm, free, all ages; AnnaLee, 6 pm, free, all ages; Stomptowners, 7 pm, free; Tony Smiley, 8 pm, free, all ages ELLA STREET SOCIAL CLUB—The Sorry Devils, Stephen Fisk, Nordic Forts, 9 pm, $5 FOGGY NOTION—Dinosaur Heart, Rllrbll, Child Children, 9 pm, $3 GEMINI LOUNGE—Rebel Radio, 9 pm, free GOODFOOT—Earphunk, The Waydowns, 9 pm HALIBUT’S—Ellen Whyte, 8 pm, free HAWTHORNE HOPHOUSE—Rogue Bluegrass Band, 9 pm, free HAWTHORNE THEATRE—Rehab, Moonshine Bandits, The Rodeo Clowns, 7 pm, $15-18 HOPHOUSE (NE 15TH)—Folk & Spoon, 8:30 pm, free, all ages IVORIES—Laura Cunard, 5:30 pm, free; Cheryl Hodge Quartet, John Stowell, 8 pm JADE LOUNGE—The Just Reverie, Logan Ulavale, SuS Quartet, 6 pm JIMMY MAK’S—Michael Allen Harrison, 8 pm, $10 KATIE O’BRIEN’S—Il Marzo, Raw Dog & the Close Calls, The Lockouts, 9 pm, $3 KELLY’S OLYMPIAN—Hot Bodies in Motion, Common Dear, Dearborn, 9 pm, $7 KENNEDY SCHOOL—Halfway to St. Patrick’s: Johnny B. Connolly, River City Bagpipe Band, Cary Novotny, 11 am, free, all ages KENTON CLUB—The Gnash, Inferno of Joy, Bitch School, 9 pm, free ★ THE KNOW—Boors, Turbo Perfecto, Two Hands, 8 pm LANDMARK SALOON—Pendleton, 7 pm; Shorty & The Mustangs, 9 pm LAURELTHIRST PUBLIC HOUSE—Tree Frogs, 6 pm; Will West & The Friendly Strangers, The Druthers, 9:30 pm ★ LION’S EYE TAVERN—Hey Lover , Pataha Hiss, The Bugs, 7 pm ★ MISSISSIPPI PIZZA PUB—Toy Trains, 4 pm, all ages; Fradreck & Sam Mujuru, 5:30 pm, $5-20, all ages; For the Roses: A Joni Mitchell Tribute: Mel Kubik, Alexa Wiley, Karyn Patridge, Renee Muzquiz, Laren Harkness, Natalie Burgess, Annie Vergnetti, Miriam German, Amaya Villazan, Wynter Byrnes, Janet Julian, Rachael Rice, Dan Haley, Christian Groth, Belinda Underwood, Rebecca Sanborn, 8:30 pm

★ MISSISSIPPI STUDIOS—Nurses, Aan , Hookers, DJ JD Samson, 9 pm, $11 MOCK CREST TAVERN—Johnnie Ward’s Sharkskin Review, 9 pm MUDDY RUDDER—Terry Robb, Lauren Sheehan, 8 pm NEL CENTRO—Mike Pardew, Dave Captein, Randy Rollofson, 9:30 pm PLAN B—Almost Is Nothing, Jean Grey, Dusk’s Embrace, 8 pm PONDEROSA LOUNGE (AT JUBITZ)—Diamond Rio, Restless Heart, 9 pm, $30 THE PRESS CLUB—Yiddish Republik, 8:30 pm RED ROOM—Abash’t, Disenchanter, Violent Majority, 9 pm, $5 ★ ROSELAND—Anthrax, Testament, Death Angel, 7:30 pm, $25-40, all ages ★ ROTTURE—Breton, Chrome Wolves, Other People’s Problems, 9 pm, $8 THE SECRET SOCIETY—Everything’s Jake, 6 pm, all ages; Nick Peets, Amanda Breese, Thom Lyons, 9 pm, $7 SHAKER AND VINE—Ragmakam, 7:30 pm, $10-20 SLABTOWN—Felecia & The Dinosaur, Small Arms, Big Shell, 9 pm, $3-5 SLIM’S—Silverhawk , Sam Wegman & the Upper Lower Class, 9 pm, free SLOAN’S TAVERN—The Witching Hour: DJ Dark Daughter, 9 pm SOMEDAY LOUNGE—Ron Trent, Jamie 3:26, Tom Mitchell, Dave Bate, 9 pm THE SPARE ROOM—Cool Breeze, 9 pm, free TED’S—Balkan Night: DJ Shaka, DJ Kypros, 9:30 pm, $10 TIGER BAR—On Enemy Soil, Bloodoath, Nemesis, 9 pm TONIC LOUNGE—Favela Walls, Higgs Field, Face the Box, 9:30 pm TONY STARLIGHT’S—The Tony Starlight Show: Tony Starlight, 8 pm, $15 TRADER VIC’S—Xavier Tavera’s Chamber Orchestra from Cuba, 8 pm TRIPLE NICKEL—Video Night Fever: DJ Stockholmz, 9:30 pm TROUT LAKE COUNTRY INN—The Twangshifters, 9 pm, $5 TWILIGHT CAFE & BAR—Panacea, 8 pm, $5 ★ THE WAYPOST—Simon Kornelis, Song Sparrow Research, Holiday Friends, 8 pm WHITE EAGLE—Jam-O-Rama: Raising Sons, The Wayds, Whiskey Hill Jazz Club, McFadden Project, Redline, The Stags, The Executives, DC Malone & The Jones, Loose Change, 1 pm, free WILF’S—Jean Ronne Trio, 7:30 pm

SUNDAY 9/16 ALBERTA ROSE THEATRE—Searching for Sanity, Mark Hatting, Le Printemps, The Greencarts, Jen Ambrose, Stark Heroes, Ozymandias, 7 pm, $9-13 ★ AL’S DEN—Star Anna, Angels & Anvils, 7 pm, free ANDINA—Danny Romero, 7 pm ASH STREET SALOON—Kongos, Find Your Smile, 9:30 pm, $5 AUGUSTANA LUTHERAN CHURCH—Augustana Jazz Quartet, 6 pm, free, all ages BIDDY MCGRAW’S—Felim Egan, 8 pm BLUE MONK—Quadraphonnes, 8 pm CLYDE’S PRIME RIB—Ron Steen Jazz Jam, 8:30 pm, free DANTE’S—Mike D, 9 pm, $10; Sinferno Cabaret, 11 pm DOUG FIR—The Aggrolites, The Disliked, 9 pm, $15-17 EAT: AN OYSTER BAR—Reggie Houston’s Box of Chocolates, 11 am EDGEFIELD—Billy D, 5 pm, free FIRKIN TAVERN—Open Mic, 8 pm, free FORD FOOD & DRINK—Tim Roth, Sun, noon, free, all ages HAWTHORNE THEATRE—Flobots, Astronautalis, Forrest Day, 7 pm, $13-15, all ages JADE LOUNGE—Alexa Wiley, 7 pm KELLS—Irish Session, 6 pm; Pat Buckley, 9 pm KENNEDY SCHOOL—Craig Carothers, 7:30 pm, $10, all ages KENTON CLUB—The Floorboards, Negative Zen, Dungeon Brothers, 9 pm, free LANDMARK SALOON—Ian Miller, Jake Ray, 5:30 pm LAURELTHIRST PUBLIC HOUSE—Dan Haley, Tim Acott, 9:30 pm, free ★ MISSISSIPPI PIZZA PUB—Jami Lynn, 6 pm ★ MISSISSIPPI STUDIOS—Black Keys vs. White Stripes: School of Rock, 2 pm, $12-15; One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest 50th Anniversary Party: 1989 Ensemble 7:30 pm, $6-8 ★ MOON & SIXPENCE—Foghorn Stringband, free MUDDY RUDDER—Irish Music, 4 pm PIONEER COURTHOUSE SQUARE—Gay Fair on the Square: Portland Gay Men’s Chorus, Soromundi, 12:30 pm, free RED ROOM—Abigail Williams, Aethyrium, Grim, Ritual, Sarcalogos, Eozo, 8 pm, $7 ROCK BOTTOM BREWERY—Dojo Toolkit, 9 pm ★ RONTOMS—Monarques, New Moves, 8:30 pm, free

SAT 9/15 - EARPHUNK, THE WAYDOWNS FRI 9/14 - DJ AQUAMAN’S SOUL STEW THURS 9/13 - NIX, DEVICE GRIPS, BOOMER WED 9/12 - OREGANIC (cd release) ZINCU, OMIZA RIVER MON - SONIC FORUM - OPEN MIC TUES 9/18 - RADULA - FREE!!!

WED 9/19 - GARCIA BIRTHDAY BAND THURS 9/20 - TRUE SPOKES, HUCKLE FRI 9/21 - DJ AQUAMAN’S SOUL STEW SAT 9/22 - JUJUBA TUES 9/25 - RADULA - FREE!!!

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503.288.3895 3939 N. Mississippi info@mississippistudios.com

8pm doors/ 9pm show 21+ unless otherwise noted BarBar all ages until 9pm

Shimmering pop full of infectious melodic hooks

THE FRESH & ONLYS

Fri, Sept 14

JUNO WHAT?!

NETHERFRIENDS

GRASS WIDOW TERRY MALTS

Thu, Sept 13

$12 Adv

Sat, Sept 15

$11 Adv

$13 Adv

A dance party of high energetic disco booty jams and live electric funk

School of Rock

Black Keys vs. White Stripes

nurses

Music from two modern rock bands with songs rearranged for a full band

DJ JD SAMSON (OF LE TIGRE, MEN)

Sun, Sept 16

Mississippi Studios and Eleven Magazine Present:

Aan HOOKERS

KicK Ass oregon history presents:

ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOOS NEST 50th ANNIVERSARY CELEBRAtION

all ages

1:30pm Doors/2pm show

$12 ADv

Tue, Sept 18

$8 ADv

brooklyn-born bluegrass septet bring the mix du jour of punky energy, hillbilly, and wry humor

THE DEFIBULATORS

1939 ENSEMBLE Sun, Sept 16

7pm Doors, 7:30pm 路 show $6 ADv

Wed, Sept 19 $10 ADv Stockholm based artists whose sound synthesizes punk and early 80s new wave

hologramS VICE DEVICE

Black Prairie (record release)

RENEGADE STRINGBAND

Reptar A co-headline from our favorite of

Rubblebucket indie, art-rock bands

Icky Blossoms

$15 ADv

Thu, Sept 20

americana band celebrating the release of A TeAr In The eye Is A Wound In The heArT by sugar hill records

Fri, Sept 21

$13 ADv Woodchuck Cider Sweet-n-Local Presents:

Shelley Short Darren Hanlon

School of Rock

cRoSby, StillS, NaSh & youNg

THE WE SHAREDCHARTS MILK

(RECORD RELEASE)

Sat, Sept 22 路 $5 ADv Tue, Sept 25

7:30pm Doors/8:30pm show

1:30pm Doors/2pm show

$18 Adv

Mindy Smith Critically lauded Nashville-based singer-songwriter presents songs from her self-titled fifth studio album

The kids from the School of Rock tackle the celestial harmonies and intricate guitar playing of CSNY

Sun, Sept 23

TALKATIVE OLD AGE

all ages

Jay Nash

$12 ADv

Coming Soon...

9/26: GENDERS 9/27: COLLEEN GREEN 9/28: THE PYNNACLES 9/29: TENDER LOVING EMPIRE 5th ANNIVERSARY + FINN RIGGINS 9/30: SCHOOL OF ROCK: Van Halen (Early) 9/30: THE LIGHTHOUSE & THE WHALER (Late)

10/1: CINEBITCH 10/2: RADIATION CITY 10/3: MONO 10/5: FALL INTO DARKNESS FESTIVAL 10/7: FALL INTO DARKNESS FESTIVAL 10/8: GIANT GIANT SAND 10/9: ADMIRAL FALLOW 10/10: THE MILK CARTON KIDS 10/11: STEW & THE NEGRO PROBLEM

40 Portland Mercury September 13, 2012

10/12: WOODS 10/13: WRECKLESS ERIC AND AMY RIGBY (Early) 10/13: MRS (Late) 10/14: TIGER HOUSE 10/15: TIFT MERRITT 10/16: BATTLEME 10/17: KAKI KING

mississippistudios.com

LIVE MUSIC ★ ROSELAND—Atmosphere, I Self Divine, Carnage, DJ Just Nine, 8 pm, $28, all ages SLABTOWN—Mad Caps, Wormbag, The Gutters, Magic & the T-Cells, Jordan & His Broken Heart-Ons, 9 pm, $5 SOMEDAY LOUNGE—The Tomorrow People, Patti King, Just Lions, 8:30 pm, $5 THE SPARE ROOM—Angel Bouchet Band, 8 pm, free TABOR HEIGHTS UNITED METHODIST CHURCH— Helen Hollenbeck, Merridee Holdsworth, 4 pm, all ages THE TARDIS ROOM—Fleur Jack, 8 pm ★ TONIC LOUNGE—The Pauses, The Slidells, Josh & Mer, 9 pm TWIN PARADOX CAFE—Sore Finger Jam, 2:30 pm VALENTINE’S—Sundaze, Jatun, Appendixes, 9 pm THE WAYPOST—Tess’ Music Series: Mimi, Kellan & Jay, 8 pm WHITE EAGLE—Sam Eliad, 7 pm, free

MONDAY 9/17 ★ AL’S DEN—Star Anna, Kasey Anderson, 7 pm, free ANDINA—Pete Krebs, 7 pm ASH STREET SALOON—Faithless Saints, Heart Full of Snakes, News from the Front, 9:30 pm, $5 BACK DOOR THEATER—Chris Riffle, 8 pm, all ages BLUE DIAMOND—Tom Grant, 9 pm ★ BUNK BAR—The Jealous Sound, Daytrader, 9 pm, $10-12 DANTE’S—Karaoke from Hell, 10 pm ★ DOUG FIR—Glassbones, Alina Hardin, Blood Owl, 9 pm, $5 DUFF’S GARAGE—Susie & the Sidecars, 6 pm EAST END—Hot Apostles, Pheasant, Poe & Monroe, 9 pm EDGEFIELD—Skip vonKuske, 7 pm, free GOODFOOT—Sonic Forum Open Mic, 8 pm, $1 ISLAND MANA WINES—David & Goliath, 4 pm JADE LOUNGE—Scott Deams, 7 pm JIMMY MAK’S—Dan Balmer, 8 pm, free KELLS—Pat Buckley, 9 pm LAURELTHIRST PUBLIC HOUSE—Portland Country Underground, 6 pm, free; Kung Pao Chickens, 9 pm, free MISSISSIPPI PIZZA PUB—Mr. Ben, 5 pm, all ages MUDDY RUDDER—Lloyd Jones, 8 pm PUB AT THE END OF THE UNIVERSE—Open Mic, 8 pm, free QUIMBY’S AT 19TH—Soul Mates, 9 pm ROCK BOTTOM BREWERY—Mt. Air Studios, 10 pm TIGER BAR—Metal Machine, 9 pm, $2 ★ WHITE EAGLE—Father Figure, Pheasant, Leo London, 8:30 pm, free WONDER BALLROOM—The Gourds, James McMurtry, 8 pm, $18-20

TUESDAY 9/18 ALBERTA ROSE THEATRE—Vicci Martinez, Laura Ivancie, 9 pm, $15 ★ AL’S DEN—Star Anna, Kasey Anderson, 7 pm, free ANDINA—Neftali Rivera, 7 pm ASH STREET SALOON—Owl Howl, Office Diving, Right Hand of Doom, 9:15 pm, $4 BACKSPACE—Horse Eats Horse, Caroline Bauer, DMLH, 7 pm, free, all ages BLUE DIAMOND—Sportin’ Lifers, 9 pm BLUE MONK—Pagan Jug Band, 6:30 pm, free ★ BUNK BAR—Lost Lander, Ravenna Woods , Royal Canoe, 9 pm, $10 ★ DOUG FIR—Saul Williams, 9 pm, $13-15 DUFF’S GARAGE—Trio Bravo, 6 pm, $2; Dover Weinberg Quartet, 9 pm, $2 EDGEFIELD—Caleb Klauder, Sammy Lind, 7 pm, free THE ELIXIR LAB—Johnny D’s Community Jam, 7 pm ELLA STREET SOCIAL CLUB—TV, Hot Apostles, The Autonomics, 9 pm, $5 GOODFOOT—Radula, 9 pm, free HAWTHORNE THEATRE LOUNGE—That Much Further West Radio, 4 pm, free; Lisa Miller & Her Kin, 6 pm, free THE HUTCH—Open Mic, 8 pm, free IVORIES—Tom D’Antoni, 4:30 pm; Jazz Jam: Carey Campbell, 7 pm JADE LOUNGE—Siren Sessions: Margaret Wehr, 7 pm KELLS—Pat Buckley, 9 pm KELLY’S OLYMPIAN—The Sindicate, SXO, Item 9, Chris Baron, 9 pm, $5 LANDMARK SALOON—Honky Tonk Union, 6 pm ★ LAURELTHIRST PUBLIC HOUSE—Jackstraw, 6 pm, free LVS—Ron Steen’s Jazz Jam, 8:30 pm MISSISSIPPI PIZZA PUB—Trevor Green, 6 pm MISSISSIPPI STUDIOS—The Defibulators, Renegade Stringband, 9 pm, $8-10 MT. TABOR THEATER—Open Mic Night: Simon Tucker, 8 pm, free ★ MUSIC MILLENNIUM—Mike Coykendall, 6 pm, free, all ages THE OLD CHURCH—Roe Family Band, 7:30 pm, all ages QUIMBY’S AT 19TH—Tom Grant, 8:30 pm, free ROCK BOTTOM BREWERY—Brothers ’n’ Laws, 9 pm ROSE GARDEN—Big Time Rush, 7 pm, $25-65, all ages THE SECRET SOCIETY—John Craigie, Ashia Grzesik, Anna Tivel, 9 pm, $10

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SHAKER AND VINE—Arthur Moore’s Harmonica Party, 8 pm SLIM’S—Open Mic, 9 pm, free ★ STAR THEATER—White Buffalo, Root Jack, 9 pm, $13 TASTE ON 23RD—Brandstson Duo, 6:30 pm, free THIRSTY LION—Eric John Kaiser , 9 pm TRADER VIC’S—Sneaky Tiki & The Lava Lounge Orchestra, 7 pm TWILIGHT CAFE & BAR—Open Mic Night: The Roaming, 8 pm VALENTINE’S—Everybody’s Robots, Carletta Sue Kay, Hard Power USA, 9 pm, $3 VINO VIXENS—Arthur Moore’s Harmonica Party, 6 pm THE WAYPOST—Cherokee Fade, Lady Elaine, 8 pm WHITE EAGLE—Amaya Villazan, Her Ghost, Aubrey Jessen, The Waking Guild, 7:30 pm, free WONDER BALLROOM—The Expendables, Iration, Cisco Adler, 8:30 pm, $18-20, all ages

WEDNESDAY 9/19 ALBERTA ROSE THEATRE—Matt Schofield, Joe McMurrian, 8 pm, $12-15 ALBERTA STREET PUBLIC HOUSE—Suck My Open Mic w/Tamara J. Brown, 7:30 pm, free ★ AL’S DEN—Star Anna, Mark Pickerel, 7 pm, free ANDINA—Toshi Onizuka, 7 pm ★ BACKSPACE—Don’t Talk to the Cops, Show You Suck, 9 pm, all ages BEECH ST. PARLOR—Andy Fish BIDDY MCGRAW’S—Henry Hill Kammerer, 9 pm; Stringed Migration, 9 pm BLUE DIAMOND—The Fenix Project, 9 pm BUFFALO GAP—Alison Rice, 7 pm CAMELLIA LOUNGE—The Goods Jazz Jam: Errick Lewis & the Regiment House Band, 8:30 pm DANTE’S—Scott H. Biram, Restavrant, 9 pm, $10 DEPOKOS PIZZA—Open Mic, 8 pm, all ages ★ DOUG FIR—Sondre Lerche, Fancy Colors, 9 pm, $15-17 DUFF’S GARAGE—High Flyers, 6 pm, $2; Suburban Slim’s Blues Jam: Suburban Slim, John Neish, Jeff Strawbridge, 9 pm EAST BURN—Irish Music Jam, 7 pm EDGEFIELD—Brendan Phillips, Drew DeMan, 7 pm, free ELLA STREET SOCIAL CLUB—Crooks, Stay at Home Moms, Horus, 9 pm, $5 EUGENIO’S—Open Mic, 6:30 pm FIRE ON THE MOUNTAIN—Kory Quinn, 9:30 pm GOOD NEIGHBOR PIZZERIA—Open Mic GOODFOOT—Garcia Birthday Band, 9 pm, $6 ★ HOLOCENE—Labelmates: Pictorials, Unkle Funkle, DJ E*Rock, DJ Cuica, DJ Sahelsounds, 8 pm, free ISLAND MANA WINES—David & Goliath, 4 pm IVORIES—Tom D’Antoni, 4:30 pm JIMMY MAK’S—Mel Brown Quartet, 8 pm, $5 KELLS—Pat Buckley, 9 pm KENTON CLUB—Jeremy Burton, Kyle & the Holy Children, Bath Party, 9 pm, free LANDMARK SALOON—Bob Shoemaker, 6 pm; Jake Ray & The Cowdogs, 9:30 pm LAURELTHIRST PUBLIC HOUSE—BBQ Orchestra, 6 pm; Fred Van Vactor, 9 pm MISSION THEATER—Ben Taylor, Milow, 8 pm, $18-20 MISSISSIPPI PIZZA PUB—Mr. Hoo, noon, all ages MISSISSIPPI STUDIOS—Holograms, Dangerous Boys Club, Vice Device, 9 pm, $10 MUSIC MILLENNIUM—Ben Taylor, 5 pm, free, all ages; Vicci Martinez, 6 pm, free, all ages O’CONNORS VAULT—Jon Koonce & One More Mile, 8 pm, free PLAN B—Guillotine Necktie, Legacy Pack, No More Parachutes, The Sindicate, 8 pm RECORD ROOM—Forsorcerers, Labris, 8 pm RED ROOM—Open Mic, 9 pm ★ REVIVAL DRUM SHOP—The Secret Drum Band, Dubai, 8 pm, $5, all ages ROCK BOTTOM BREWERY—Jordan Harris, 9 pm THE SECRET SOCIETY—The Carlton Jackson Dave Mills Big Band, 7:30 pm, $7 SENGATERA—Tsegue-Mariam Guebrou Project, 8 pm, $1-5 SLABTOWN—Coastlands, Skinny Jesus, Mars Water, 10 pm, $5 SOMEDAY LOUNGE—Folding Space, 9 pm, $6 SUNDOWN PUB—SongWrecker Cabaret, 9 pm TRADER VIC’S—Xavier Tavera’s Chamber Orchestra from Cuba, 6 pm UCHU SUSHI AND FRIED CHICKEN—Absent Iris, Subpar Co-Star, 7 pm, free, all ages VALENTINE’S—Jen Delos Reyes, Gresham Transit Center, Caitlyn Olds, 9 pm, $3 VIE DE BOHEME—Carri Bella WHITE EAGLE—The Magic Beets, Sloe Lorus, 8:30 pm, free WILF’S—Ron Steen Trio, 7:30 pm, $7 ★ WONDER BALLROOM—Bob Mould, The Thermals, 8:30 pm, $22-23

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September 13, 2012 Portland Mercury 41

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42 Portland Mercury September 13, 2012

oct 9 – NoV 11 Written by august Wilson Directed by Kevin Jones

a r t i s t sre p.org 5 0 3 . 24 1 . 1 2 78

DJ LISTINGS THURSDAY 9/13 BEECH ST. PARLOR—DJ Chains Crumley CC SLAUGHTERS—Hiphop Heaven: DJ Alex Hollywood, 9 pm, free CLUB 21—Greyskull CROWN ROOM—Counter Culture, 10 pm, free DIG A PONY—DJ Dressup THE EMBERS AVENUE—Request Night: DJ Jens FEZ—Shadowplay: DJ Horrid, DJ Ghoulunatic, DJ Paradox, 9 pm, free JONES—New Jack Swing: Doc Adam, 10 pm, $5 THE KNOW—Eye Candy: DJ Danny Norton, 8 pm LUCKY DEVIL—DJ Panty Droppa, free MOLOKO PLUS—King Tim 33.3, Discus Noir, 10 pm, free NICK’S FAMOUS CONEY ISLAND—Eye Candy: VJ Norto, The Phantom Hillbilly, 9 pm, free RADIO ROOM—Ghost Train, 9 pm ★ ROTTURE—I’ve Got a Hole in my Soul: DJ Beyondadoubt, 9 pm, $5 SANTA FE TAQUERIA—Salsa Social SOS: DJ Armando, 9 pm SAUCEBOX—Evan Alexander SOMEDAY LOUNGE—Happy Hour: Mr. Romo, DJ Michael Grimes, 4 pm STAR BAR—DJ Jake Cheeto, 10 pm TIGA—DJ Chauncy Pops TUBE—Sethro Tull, 7 pm VALENTINE’S—Open Tape Deck: Magnetic, 9 pm VAULT—Jams: DJ 60/40 WORKSHOP PUB—Phonographix Video DJs, 9 pm

FRIDAY 9/14 BLITZ 21—DJ Sovern-T, 9 pm, free CC SLAUGHTERS—Filthy Fridays: DJ Robb, 9 pm, free ★ DEVILS POINT—DJ Kenoy, 9 pm, free DIG A PONY—Happy Hour: DJ Paul Montone; Hostile Tapeover EAGLE PORTLAND—Men’s Room: DJ Lucky Daddy, 10 pm, $2 ★ EAGLES LODGE—In the Cooky Jar: DJ Cooky Parker, 9 pm ELEMENT—Chris Alice, 9 pm THE EMBERS AVENUE—On the Avenue: DJ Jens, 9 pm FEZ—Shut Up & Dance: DJ Gregarious, 10 pm, $5 FOGGY NOTION—BENT: Lauren Flax, 9 pm, $5 GEMINI LOUNGE—Gush: Minds Eye, Lunch Money, Matty B & Infinity Face, 9 pm GROOVE SUITE—Cock Block: Kristina Childs, The Perfect Cyn, Anna Langley, Miss Vixen, 10 pm, $5-7 GROUND KONTROL—Super Cardigan Brothers, 9 pm, $2 JACK LONDON BAR AT THE RIALTO—Top 40 Freakout: DJ Common Denominator, 7:30 pm JONES—Back to the Future Fridays: DJ Zimmie, 8 pm, $5 LOLA’S ROOM—’80s Video Dance Attack: VJ Kittyrox, 8 pm, $6 THE LOVECRAFT—DJ BoyThinG, 11 pm LUCKY DEVIL—DJ Joe, free MATADOR—Infamous: DJ Rattooth, DJ Makeout, 10 pm, free MOTHERS VELVET LOUNGE CAFE—Mr. Mumu ROTTURE—Live and Direct: Rev Shines, Slimkid3, DJ Nature, 9 pm, $5 STAR BAR—Blank Fridays: DJ Ikon, 10 pm, free TIGA—DJ Rndm Noise TRIPLE NICKEL—DJ Stockholmz, 9:30 pm; DJ Stockholmz, 9:30 pm TUBE—Neil Blender, 7 pm VALENTINE’S—DJ Cuica, 9 pm

SATURDAY 9/15 2410—Welcome to the Jungle: Token, Dev From Above, Only Child, Chalktalk, 9 pm, $13 AURA—Twice as Nice: DJ TJ, A Train, Tandem, 10 pm, $10 BERBATI’S PAN—Music for the Masses: King Fader, 10 pm, free CC SLAUGHTERS—House of Hollywood: DJ Alex Hollywood, 9 pm, free CROWN ROOM—Club Crooks: DJ Izm, Easter Egg, 9 pm, $5 CRUZROOM—DJ Edgar Hoover DEVILS POINT—DJ Brooks, 9 pm, free DIG A PONY—Mikee Lixxx, Zernell, Dan Hill EAGLE PORTLAND—Nuts to Butts: Ill Camino, 10 pm, $3 THE EMBERS AVENUE—Portland Tonight: DJ Jens, 9 pm FEZ—Twice as Nice: DJ TJ, A Train, Tandem, 10 pm, $10 GOLD DUST MERIDIAN—Clap Trap: DJ Gregarious, 10 pm, free GREELEY AVE. BAR AND GRILL—Eye Candy: VJ Norto, The Phantom Hillbilly, 9 pm, free GROOVE SUITE—After Dark GROUND KONTROL—DJ I <3 U, DJ Avery, 9 pm, $2 HOLOCENE—Gaycation: Lauren Flax, DJ Snowtiger, Mr. Charming, 9 pm, $3 JONES—’80s & ’90s Dance Music, 10 pm, $5

THE LOVECRAFT—Manchester Night: DJ Bar Hopper, 9 pm LUCKY DEVIL—DJ Kenoy, free MOLOKO PLUS—King Tim 33.3, Discus Noir, 10 pm, free MOTHERS VELVET LOUNGE CAFE—Mr. Mumu ★ STAR BAR—Go French Yourself: DJ Cecilia Paris, 10 pm, free TIGA—Hostile Tapeover TRIPLE NICKEL—DJ Stockholmz, 9:30 pm TUBE—Saturdazed: Josh Booze, 7 pm VALENTINE’S—Tom Tom DJ Night: DJ Nadia Buyse, 9 pm THE WHISKEY BAR—Andy Moor, DJ Zoxy, DJ Eddie, 10 pm

SUNDAY 9/16 AALTO LOUNGE—Whiskey Bitters, 9 pm, free ALLEYWAY CAFE & BAR—Country Music, 3 pm, free, all ages ★ BEULAHLAND—The Original Eye Candy Video Night: VJ Norto, The Phantom Hillbilly, 9 pm, free CC SLAUGHTERS—Superstar Divas, DJ Robb, 8 pm, free CRUSH—DJ Mikey, 10 am-2 pm DEVILS POINT—Stripparaoke: KJ Zero, 9 pm, free DIG A PONY—Super Cardigan Brothers THE EMBERS AVENUE—Noches Latinas: DJ Marco, 9 pm LUCKY DEVIL—Ladies Night: DJ Mani, free MUSIC MILLENNIUM—Grizzly Bear listening party, 3 pm, free, all ages PLAN B—Hive: DJ Owen, DJ Brian Backlash, 9 pm STAR BAR—DJ Noland Nocount, 10 pm TUBE—Dark Sundays: DJ Josh Dark, 10 pm

MONDAY 9/17 BEECH ST. PARLOR—Roxie Stardust BLUE MONK—Deep Cuts, 8 pm CLUB 21—Witch Throne DIG A PONY—Tre Slim GROUND KONTROL—Service Industrial: DJ Tibin, 9 pm KELLY’S OLYMPIAN—Eye Candy: VJ Norto, Phantom Hillbilly, 8 pm, free THE KNOW—DJ J-One Ill, 8 pm MATADOR—I Don’t Like Mondays: DJ Rhienna, DJF, 10 pm, free O’MALLEY’S SALOON & GRILL—Heavy Metal Monday: Bozyk, 9 pm STAR BAR—Metal Mondays: DJ Nefarious, 10 pm, free TIGA—KM Fizzy TUBE—DJ Matt Scaphism, 7 pm VALENTINE’S—Plaided, Alto, 9 pm

TUESDAY 9/18 BEECH ST. PARLOR—Tony Remple CC SLAUGHTERS—DJ Robb, 9 pm, free CLUB 21—DJ Dirty Red CROWN ROOM—See You Next Tuesday: Kellan, DJ Avery, 9 pm, free; Stenchman, EKIM, Anok, Kellan, Avery, 9 pm, $5-7 ★ DEVILS POINT—DJ Kenoy, 9 pm, free DIG A PONY—Mint Revolver, Last Call THE EMBERS AVENUE—Recycle: DJ Tibin, 9 pm, free GROUND KONTROL—Rock Band Tuesdays: MC T. Wrecks, 9 pm, free THE LOVECRAFT—Altered Beats, 9 pm; Death Club: DJ Entropy, 10 pm MATADOR—DJ Donny Don’t, 10 pm, free MUSIC MILLENNIUM—Band of Horses listening party, 10 am, free, all ages STAR BAR—DJ Bradly, 10 pm ★ SWIFT LOUNGE—Boogie Tuesday: Maxx Bass, Gwizski, Mikie Lixx TIGA—Steve C, DJ Mike V TUBE—DJ Overcol, 7 pm; Tubesday, 10 pm

WEDNESDAY 9/19 CC SLAUGHTERS—Trick: DJ Robb, 9 pm, free DIG A PONY—DJ El Dorado THE EMBERS AVENUE—Gothic Industrial: DJ Jens, 9 pm GROUND KONTROL—TRONix: Labwerx: Mike Gong, Bliphop Junkie, 9 pm JONES—Spin Sugar: Doc Adam, 10 pm, $5 LADD’S INN—DJ Kutthroat, 9:30 pm, free THE LOVECRAFT—DJ William The Bloody, 9 pm MOLOKO PLUS—King Tim 33.3, Discus Noir, 10 pm, free SAUCEBOX—DJ Nealie Neal STAR BAR—DJ Chris Crusher, 10 pm, free TIGA—DJ Blackwell TIGER BAR—Juicy Wednesdays: DJ Detroit Diezel, 9 pm, $2 TUBE—Loyd Depriest, 6 pm; DJ Creepy Crawl, 7 pm THE WHISKEY BAR—Whiskey Wednesdays: American Girls, 10 pm, free

September 13, 2012 Portland Mercury 43

CULTURE/ART/PDX FESTIVAL PREVIEW

XOXO Festival Marketplace Yale Union, 800 SE 10th, open Fri-Sun 9:30 am-6 pm, FREE; for details on the rest of the festival, see xoxofest.com

T

ICKETS TO THE ARTS ’n’ tech oriented XOXO festival cost $400, and sold out in two days.

So why write about it, if it’s sold out and only the super-rich could afford tickets in the first place? Well, first of all, festival organizers Andy Baio and Andy McMillan have booked a healthy fringe lineup of free events around the city (details on that in a minute). More importantly, the festival—which was funded entirely through Kickstarter—has a lot to say about the changing state of contemporary art and entertainment.

In the past few years, Kickstarter has made a significant impact on Portland’s cultural landscape. Here’s just a sampling of arts projects that have been funded via crowdsourcing: The Independent Publishing Resource Center collected funds to ease the transition into a new location.

Experimental art-and-comics festival the Projects, modeled after European art comics festivals, will launch in October, thanks in part to nearly $9,000 in Kickstarter funds. Portland’s “street librarian” Laura Molton raised more than $5,000 to support her bike-powered mobile library. The Dill Pickle Club partially funded a social history app—featuring stories and information about significant historical sites. And the Portland Sessions raised money to film Portland musicians performing live in unusual settings. Perhaps even more interesting than these one-off fundraisers, though, are individual artists who are increasingly turning to Kickstarter and other crowdsourcing sites like Indiegogo in order to fund their work.

By offering incentives to fans in the form of free

content—by basically asking that fans pre-order their work on Kickstarter—comics creators Lucy Bellwood and Mercury freelancer Dylan Meconis recently funded book projects (Meconis raised a whopping $36,445), and musicians Weinland and Drew Grow and the Pastors’ Wives raised money to release their new albums. These are just a few of the many, many artists in Portland and elsewhere who are operating outside traditional “gatekeeper” models—in which books need publishing houses, and records need record labels—in favor of a fan-supported model that allows artists to retain control of their work. Essentially, the internet is solving a problem that the internet created.

“Sorry I broke the music industry, guys, but… have you heard of Kickstarter?”

Which brings us back to the XOXO festival: The aim, says co-founder Baio, is to connect artists with the programmers and tech-types who are building the platforms they’re using.

(Platforms like Kickstarter, Etsy, YouTube, etc.)

“The entire festival is about independent artists of all types—film, videogames, comics—who are using the internet in interesting ways to do things that they love,” Baio explains, “and bringing those people together with the technologists who are actually building those platforms.”

The conference portion of the festival—the part you can’t afford to attend—features speakers like Etsy top seller Emily Winfield Martin, Metafilter founder Matt Haughey, and Community creator Dan Harmon. But Baio and McMillan have booked a weekend’s worth of film, music, and arcade events that are free and open to the public (passholders get priority, though, meaning entry is not guaranteed—details at xoxofest.com). There’s also a “market” on the basement level of Yale Union that’s open Friday through Sunday and features local artists, readings curated by Reading Frenzy, and a lineup of food carts including Bunk’s new mobile truck and the Kickstarter-funded Cheese & Crack. (Yes, it’s an artisan cheese-and-crackers food cart. You do know you live in Portland, right?)

“This isn’t practical,” says Baio. “That’s why it’s called a ‘festival.’ It’s about the culture and the stories of these people, and it ultimately benefits everybody, because they’re talking. We’ve really focused on curating people across the arts, and across tech. Getting all those people in one room will be pretty awesome. Ultimately, they’re all making things.” ALISON HALLETT

BOOK REVIEW

This Is How You Lose Her

by Junot Díaz (Riverhead)

Reading at the Bagdad Theater, 3702 SE Hawthorne, Sun Sept 16, 7 pm, $26.95 (includes copy of book)

J

UNOT DÍAZ IS BEST KNOWN—best read, best loved—for 2007’s sprawling The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao. Set next to that massive novel, his new story collection This Is How You

COMIC BOOK REVIEW

Memorial, Vol. 1

by Chris Roberson, Rich Ellis (IDW)

Release party w/Chris Roberson, Rich Ellis, Grace Allison at Bridge City Comics, 3725 N Mississippi, Fri Sept 14, 6 pm, 21+

E

M HAS NO MEMORY. She finds herself at a Portland hospital with only a gold charm necklace to give her any clue to her past. Then things get real weird for her, in a land where literary and cultural characters run rampant and fantasy worlds collide.

That’s the premise behind Portlanders Chris Rober-

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Lose Her looks slight. Don’t, though, make the mistake of assuming it’s inconsequential. This Is How You Lose Her is a linked collection of stories that satisfyingly shuffle through the life of Yunior, a Dominican fuck-up who’s great at loving women—and equally good at losing them. We see Yunior as a man, sabotaging his relationship with the woman he loves; as a boy, freshly arrived from Santo Domingo; as an adolescent, torn up with anger and worry as his older brother dies of cancer.

Though linked, each story stands on its own, thanks to Díaz’s endlessly lively prose. In one story, a girlfriend starts “making the sort of changes that would have alarmed a paranoid nigger. Cuts her hair, buys better makeup, rocks her clothes, goes out dancing on Friday nights with her friends. When I ask her if we can chill, I’m no longer sure it’s a done deal. A lot of the time she Bartlebys me, says No, I’d rather not.” Just count the linguistic shifts in those lines: The slangy differentiation between himself and more paranoid types; the catalog of her activities that conclusively proves that, despite his protestations, he is definitely paranoid; and then a Melville misquote tossed in at the end, because why not. In cataloging the heartache Yunior brings on himself, Díaz’s voice is distinctive and surprising as ever. ALISON HALLETT

son and Rich Ellis’ comic book series Memorial, collected here in a six-issue hardcover. Wrap a whole host of fairy tale characters around that package and it makes for a rich Stumptown-based adventure.

At one point in the story, a character says, “It’s an old, old story, but I think you might recognize bits and pieces of it…” How true that is. Memorial has echoes of biblical stories, Greek mythology, fairy tales, and modern comic series like Bill Willingham’s Fables and Mike Carey’s literary The Unwritten. In fact, Memorial is an almost aggressive mélange that manages to create its own set of rules, even if it’s at times confusing what those rules are, exactly.

But don’t let me grump on Memorial, because its interior logic gets increasingly clear, and this is a series that promises to get mesmerizing now that some of the backstory has been set. Roberson, of Eisner-nominated iZombie fame, is a crisp and engaging writer, while Ellis’ artwork is beautifully rendered, with thoughtfully executed panelwork and good pacing. It’s a very pretty series, full of fun Portland scenery executed by local comics creators.

Plus, I get the feeling the next story arc is going to really soar now that the world’s foundation has been laid. COURTNEY FERGUSON

The Bartender’s Tale

by Ivan Doig (Riverhead) Reading at Powell’s City of Books, 1005 W Burnside, Fri Sept 14, 7:30 pm

F

THEATER REVIEW

OWEN CAREY

And So It Goes Artists Repertory Theatre, 1515 SW Morrison, Wed-Sun 7:30 pm, plus Sun 2 pm, through Oct 7, $25-50, artistsrep.org

Jeff is back at the Sea Tramp!

503.231.9784

OR CHILDREN, parents start as abstractions—they simply are. Then, they become objects of veneration. For a small child, a parent is akin to God. Adolescents, though, gradually learn that their parents may not actually be towers of strength. The dawning realization that one’s parent has weaknesses and flaws, and may not even be a very good person, can be a painful process for someone transitioning out of childhood.

Such is the case with Rusty, the young narrator of The Bartender’s Tale. When Rusty is six years old, his absent father snaps him up from the clutches of the indifferent aunt who had been his caretaker. In that moment, his father goes from being an unformed nonpresence to something of a savior. Rusty finds himself growing up in 1960s Montana where his father, the titular bartender, runs the Medicine Lodge, a saloon that caters to the area’s shepherds, rural folk so poor that they hock their boots and belt buckles to the bar

P

ROFESSIONAL DISCLOSURE: my date and I attended the Artists Repertory Theatre world premiere production of And So It Goes... just two days before our first wedding anniversary. We arrived after a candelit dinner, already coked up with the weapons-grade neurochemicals that induce dreamy cooing in newlyweds and projectile barfing in any single people unlucky enough to be caught in the crossfire.

So we were easy marks for this soft-edged but sharply observed production. Director/adaptor Aaron Posner (known locally for his adaptations of Chaim Potok at Portland Center Stage) has assembled a bouquet of Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.’s early love stories—three sweet-smelling blooms from a writer more often remembered for his thorny black humor. If you’re looking for an unembellished stage translation of Vonnegut’s science fiction or war stories, move along; there’s no surrealist irony on display, and the material has been noticeably altered and expanded to make the most of the cast and the running time. Cynics and purists need not apply.

If, on the other hand, you have a hot date to win over, a need to escape the bitter taste of election season, a fondness for Vonnegut in any mode,

so that they can keep drinking. Rusty’s father takes frequent trips to Canada to sell the various valuables he acquires from his clientele of desperate drunks, and it soon becomes clear that his establishment is as much a pawn shop as it is a watering hole.

Given the setting and time period, I kept expecting The Bartender’s Tale to lapse into sentimentality or mere nostalgia, but Doig is able to evoke boyhood in a bygone age by making that age seem lived-in rather than idealized.

He’s also able to effectively paint a picture of a man who makes a lot of his money off the alcoholism of others without having that portrayal descend into hand-wringing. By the end of the book, Rusty learns of his father’s faults, but that doesn’t make his father a villain—instead, he learns that his father (previously an abstraction, previously a savior) is human.

The Bartender’s Tale has its share of contrivances and one-note characters. In particular, a nerdy historian character has a few eyerollinducing bits of dialogue. But I found myself speeding through it, eager to spend more time at the Medicine Lodge, more time with Rusty, and more time with Doig’s easygoing prose.

JOE STRECKERT a teenaged relative who’s starting out in the romance business, an anniversary to celebrate (cough), or just want to see a crack ensemble cast have what appears to be a raging blast in an intimate setting—well, there’s a pair of seats waiting for you. You won’t regret it.

Tim True mutes his prodigious physicality to suit the part of Tom Newton, a New England window frame salesman and community theater director; the transformation will be a trip for Portland theatergoers accustomed to seeing True fill a room with a languid gesture. His hands stay modestly tucked in his pockets for most of the show, and he breaks up his emcee duties by vamping amiably with audience members. When True’s penchant for physical comedy is finally unleashed, it’s a riot, and Leif Norby (in one of his two ensemble roles) ably matches his stride. The whole cast is a delight, with everybody getting their fair share of laughs and sighs. A seven-person ensemble that can sprint from gentle intimacy to full-out farce and back without leaving anybody behind is a rare thing.

Those who avoid the show for its unfashionable earnestness will miss out on a fine piece of theater. DYLAN MECONIS

ARTCHART OUR PICKS OF THE WEEK

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BOOK REVIEW

THROUGH SEPT 30 • READING FRENZY • 921 SW OAK

Hedrick Smith—Who Stole the American Dream? is the Pulitzer Prize-winning author’s account of the systemic dismantling of that oft-cited dream over the course of the last four decades. Powell’s Books at Cedar Hills Crossing, 3415 SW Cedar Hills, Beaverton, 2284651, Wed Sept 19, 7 pm, FREE De mi Barrio—A night paying tribute to the best flamenco—the type that “goes down in sketchy back alleys, artful peñas, and tablaos.” Part of “La Luna Nueva,” an annual festival of Hispanic arts and culture. Miracle Theatre, 525 SE Stark, 236-7253, Sat Sept 15, 8 pm and Sun Sept 16, 7 pm, $25-28 Laurie Anderson—A returning TBA artist, this year Laurie Anderson performs Dirtday!, which combines music and storytelling to create a narrative set against contemporary political discourse, including the politics of the Occupy movement. Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, 1037 SW Broadway, 248-4335, Sun Sept 16, 7:30 pm, $15-75 One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest 50th Anniversary Party—Kick Ass Oregon History and Nestucca Spit Press join forces to throw a birthday party for one of the best novels of all time, on the eve of what would have been Ken Kesey’s 77th birthday. Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi, 288-3895, Sun Sept 16, 7:30 pm, $6-8 Library Lovers Unite!—A fundraiser and celebration of Multnomah County’s libraries, featuring readings from Willy Vlautin and Ursula K. Le Guin, hosted by radio personality Carl Wolfson.

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BY ALL APPEARANCES, Bar Lolo chego ($6), served as a pair with a smoked should be packed. It’s a handsome, pop- paprika aioli, are excellent. Greaseless, with modern, high-ceilinged space, well-de- a hard crust and tender interior, they are signed and comfortable to relax in. The another perfect bar snack.

The Albondigas ($6), though—five meatwood gleams, the bottles smile down from the spacious and well-kept bar, and an en- balls in a spicy, thin tomato sauce—were a tire wall of windows allows for the kind of curiosity. Meatballs are typically extended people-watching that makes dining on Al- with bread, which not only saves the kitchen meat but also makes them tender; berta the private episode of Project Runway that it is. But it’s not packed, Bar Lolo there is nothing disingenuous about it. even though the menu is deep with 2940 NE These had no filler, which created the Alberta unfortunate situation of generosity intriguing Spanish-Basque tapas, the Barlolo.com service is professional, and the drinks 288-3400 resulting in a tough product. The flavor was straightforward and simple, look sexy in the natural light.

The smallest of Bar Lolo’s plates are well- but the dish as a whole lacked the punch an executed, cheap drinking snacks. A double- engaging texture or personality-suggesting shot of heirloom tomato gazpacho ($2) is a herb would have provided.

Empanadas of citrus-braised pork ($8), fine puree of fresh fruit, with a crunchy crouton and a little well of rich olive oil float- two to an order, come with tart pickled oned in. The banderillas ($4) are five bite-sized ion and a creamy, fresh guacamole. The flaky skewers of green olive, Basque piparra pep- pastry crust is light, not overly doughy or pers, and mild white anchovy filets, vinegary, bready, and further proof that the chef is exsalty, and cool. The stand-out of all visits was cellent with deep-fried items. However, the the simple dish of potato chips with sea salt mild filling of pork is surprisingly smooth, ($4), garnished with a generous dash of fried like a rillette, and for the care that clearly sage, rosemary, and parsley. The chips, fried goes into such a preparation, a less-uniform to order, were ideally crisp, and the frying meat with more texture might have been dried the sap-like qualities of these sturdy more interesting, given the tenderness of herbs, making them aromatic, shattering, the rest of the dish. That said, it was delicious and light. If out for drinks at Bar Lolo, one and well made. But an entire meal of fried order of these per person makes sense, as items is not a wise one, so the pork spare ribs they’re clearly a house specialty. Patatas in sherry-lemon glaze ($8) and fideo pasta bravas ($4), fried waxy potatoes with an ($10) were next.

The four meaty ribs had the elusive visual aggressively beaten, slightly thick garlic aioli and sweet red pepper sauce are just wow factor, with the dark, lacquered meat alright… they seem to want to come out of stacked generously in the cazuela, but the the kitchen in the fanfare of a screaming-hot glaze was oily and unrewarding to lick off cazuela, but they arrive quietly, just some the fingers, and an impressive pile of lemon zest needed to be swept off so that anything potatoes, here you go.

During every visit the romaine and man- else could be tasted. The meat itself could chego salad ($4) was proudly suggested by have used another half-hour of cooking, as our waitress, so finally we caved and gave it a it clung a bit too tightly to the bone. At the try. The ribbons of lettuce were dumped art- fideo with squash and manchego, though, I lessly on a plate, and because they weren’t slumped over in the resignation that there dried before being tossed with the slightly would be more misses than hits on the menu. creamy dressing, it didn’t adhere, resulting Loose and wet from the squash, oily from in just another airport-quality mishmash the cheese, and lacking a simple reason to be, that went silently back to the kitchen at the it was a dud from a bad dinner at a friend’s end of the meal. The grilled zucchini with house. It was not restaurant-quality food.

Bar Lolo would be a beautiful place for romesco and chopped, toasted almonds ($4) had a surprising amount of flavor, though, a meal if a critical eye were turned on its and for the price was a whole lot of what I more ambitious offerings, and its Alberta suspect was a completely vegan dish. The neighbors would finally have a late night opchar marks were thorough and the rich aro- tion for sophisticated dining. For now, it is best suited to a happy hour-type outing. ma of a well-seasoned grill came through.

The food quality at bar Lolo is high at the low price points but, as the complexity and Tuesday-Thursday 5-11 pm, Friday-Saturday size of the dishes grows, so does the chance 5 pm-midnight or later, Sunday 4-9 pm. HH Tuesday-Friday 5-6:30 pm, 10 pm-close. of disappointment.

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September 13, 2012 Portland Mercury 47

10 YEARS OF TIMEBASED ART CONTEMPORARY VISUAL ART AND PERFORMANCE FROM AROUND THE WORLD

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FILM

Breaking News

Arbitrage: Surprise! Rich People Are the Worst! by Alison Hallett IT’S IMPOSSIBLE to talk about Arbitrage without talking about The Bonfire of the Vanities, Tom Wolfe’s interrogation of the moral core of Arbitrage 1980s Wall Street. dir. Nicholas Jerecki Arbitrage attempts Opens Fri Sept 14 a similar reckoning Various Theaters of our current fi nancial climate, through a lens focused on one slimy, duplicitous hedge fund manager.

Arbitrage opens on a warm family scene: Dead-eyed Robert (Richard Gere) shares a birthday dinner with his wife and children, reveling in the love of his family and the imminent sale of his company. It’s an enviable, candlelit vision of the good life—and its hollowness is quickly revealed when Robert dashes off for a visit with his gap-toothed French mistress.

Robert’s business dealings are as shady as his personal ones, turns out, and he’s eager to sell his company before anyone realizes he’s been cooking the books. An accident and a cover-up straight from the pages of Bonfire further undo Robert’s good-guy façade; when he implicates a young black man in his crimes—a man whose goal of owning a fast-food restaurant is seriously jeopardized by his involvement with Rob-

ert—it becomes clear that Robert’s only loyalty is to his money. Rich people are the worst.

Arbitrage is so schematic it might as well come with a set of blueprints; every plot point loudly transmits its real-world

application. There’s not a trace of ambiguity or moral complexity here—the takeaway is simply that cause and effect function differently for rich people. Money simultaneously justifies all of Robert’s actions and insulates him from their con-

sequences. Arbitrage’s observations are maddening, certainly, but also hard to recommend, unless for some reason you’re trying to reinforce your cynicism.

Four years after the economy collapsed, Wall Street is doing fi ne—it’s everyone else who’s still struggling, trying to fi ll the gap where the middle class used to be. Yes, Arbitrage functions as a reminder that rich people play by different rules than the rest of us. But so was watching the Republican National Convention, so is reading a newspaper, and so is being a reasonably attentive member of society. Arbitrage conveys a sense of futility in the face of privilege, and not much else.

GEEK OUT NO GUITAR REQUIRED Rock Band Blitz Developed by Harmonix Available Now for Xbox Live Arcade, PlayStation Network ARBITRAGE Pictured above: Some rich jerk.

Unusual Suspects

FILM

A Film Noir Lineup Boasting Dangerous Desires by Jamie S. Rich

falls for his mark in Nobody Lives Forever (1946) or Dick Powell as a two-timing insurance investigator in Pitfall (1948).

Slightly off model is the intense The Window (1949), featuring Disney-mainstay Bobby Driscoll as the pint-sized witness to a murder no one will believe happened.

Other must-sees include the Max Ophüls-directed Caught (1949) and the 1954 Sterling Hayden vehicle The Naked Alibi. Whichever pictures you choose, you’re guaranteed a night of tough dudes, deadly dames, rainy streets, and good oldfashioned American cynicism. Sit through enough of them, and there’s a strong possibility you’ll leave the theater talking in clipped sentences, ready with a backhand slap for anyone who dares answer back.

ONE OF THE MAJOR TROPES of fi lm Street (1953), a multilayered wrong-man noir is that the past is inescapable: No scenario: John Payne plays an ex-boxer matter how far you try to run, what you’ve turned cab driver who’s the lead suspect when his cheating wife turns done will catch up with you.

So it’s both fitting and ironic Dangerous Desires: up dead. The web of circumFilm Noir Classics stance grows more intricate, that the noir aesthetic would dirs. Various threatening to strangle the survive this far into the fuFri Sept 14-Sun Sept 30 schnook before he can fi nd ture. Its continued popularNorthwest Film Center’s the real killer. ity ensures its history never Whitstell Auditorium “Dangerous Desires” has dissipates, even as the clocks many similar scenarios of men making the perpetually run out for its antiheroes.

For anyone looking for a genre crash wrong choices and ending up on the hook, course in noir, you couldn’t do better than be it John Garfield as the con man who “Dangerous Desire: Film Noir Classics,” a four-weekend festival at the Northwest Film Center. They’ll be showing a dozen fi lms, spanning 1942 to 1954, and featuring many rare gems not available on DVD. Of the series, the most well-known are probably 1946’s The Blue Dahlia and 1942’s The Glass Key, both featuring Alan Ladd and Veronica Lake. The blond stars make an attractive duo and have a knack for the rapid-fire patter that’s the hallmark of the best noir. (The Blue Dahlia also has the added attraction of a screenplay by Raymond Chandler, creator of Philip Marlowe.)

The remaining 10 movies offer a surprisingly atypical bounty likely to impress even the most devoted noir aficionados: The best of the lot are Joseph Losey’s The Prowler (1951), the story of a skeevy cop making a move on the victim of a peeping tom, and Phil Karlson’s 99 River 99 RIVER STREET “Can you change the station? I hate the fucking Eagles, man.”

Comment on these stories at portlandmercury.com

BEFORE HARMONIX hit it big—first with Guitar Hero, then with Rock Band—the studio created two rhythm titles that, while cult classics, never earned the acclaim of the firm’s later games. Maybe people don’t see the appeal of rhythm games without unwieldy plastic instruments. Whatever the reason, it seemed Harmonix’s Frequency series would quietly fade into oblivion—at least until Rock Band Blitz appeared.

In short, Blitz is a game centered on keeping rhythm with thousands of popular songs. Like prior Rock Band releases, Blitz will work with any music you own from the series, though beyond that, Blitz is very much the offspring of Frequency. Instead of individual instruments, players control every segment of the musical track. This means that you have to rapidly switch back and forth between various instruments, but herein lies the game’s hook: Depending on when and how you jump between instruments, you can maintain a streak of successful notes and earn a bonus, or completely screw yourself over. Thus, the game becomes not just one of timing and reflexes, but also of learning when and how to best use your various abilities.

Needless to say, Blitz is addictive— that’s de rigueur for Harmonix titles—but Blitz in particular trumps prior Rock Band titles by documenting your scores and directly comparing them against the people on your friends list. Just beat a song? Looks like your pal earned 50,000 more points than you did, and that’s all the motivation you need to play again. It’s a classic concept—high-score competitions date back to the earliest arcade games—but with today’s online-enabled consoles, it’s almost too easy to spend hours battling your pals for supremacy.

That said, Blitz isn’t for everyone.

Whereas Rock Band has traditionally been a brilliant party game, Blitz is more useful as a single-player title. For that reason alone, Blitz won’t be as big as its predecessors—but for rhythm game junkies, it’s a must-own. EARNEST “NEX” CAVALLI

September 13, 2012 Portland Mercury 49

THE MOST CRITICALLY ACCLAIMED SLEEPER COMEDY OF THE FALL ★★★H. I LIKE THIS MOVIE. I LIKE MIKE BIRBIGLIA.”

“

-ROGER EBERT, CHICAGO SUN-TIMES

“THE FUNNIEST, MOST TENDER, THOUGHTFUL AND DOWNRIGHT BRILLIANT COMEDY WE’VE SEEN IN YEARS.” -JAMES MULLINGER, GQ

“A FUNNY AND INSIGHTFUL FILM. I COULD’VE WATCHED IT FOR TEN HOURS.” -JUDD APATOW

“AN AMIABLE WOODY ALLENESQUE COMEDY.” -RICHARD CORLISS, TIME MAGAZINE

From the producers of This American Life

Mike Birbiglia Lauren Ambrose

sleepwalk with me A FILM BY MIKE BIRBIGLIA SCREENPLAY BY MIKE BIRBIGLIA & IRA GLASS & JOE BIRBIGLIA & SETH BARRISH

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FILM SHORTS

“I LOVE THIS FILM!

It is a story that will steal your heart.”

– Cindy Meehl, Director of BUCK

“FASCINATING.” – NEW YORK MAGAZINE

“WONDERFUL.” – NEW YORK DAILY NEWS

BACHELORETTE ARBITRAGE See review this issue. Various Theaters.

BACHELORETTE Plus-size Becky (Rebel Wilson), who suffered the unfortunate high school nickname of “Pig Face,” has grown up and met the handsome man she’s now planning to marry. To fill out her bridal party, she calls up her oldest and most terrible girlfriends, the “B Faces,” as they, too, were collectively known in school. Regan (Kirsten Dunst) is the tight-lipped overachiever, Katie (Isla Fisher) is the bubbly airhead, and Gena (Lizzy Caplan) is the self-hating stoner. The one thing they have in common is they are all terrible, terrible friends to Becky (reminder: They called her Pig Face), yet somehow they’re all hell-bent on pretending otherwise. It’s hard to resist seeing how raunchy Bachelorette is willing go: As unlikable as its characters are, the plot is rarely uneventful, even if the entire film probably significantly sets back the welfare of womanhood. Comparisons to Bridesmaids are inevitable, but the salient difference between them is that Bridesmaids had heart and believability in its relationships, while nobody would ever actually want to be friends with anyone in Bachelorette—to the vast relief of brides everywhere.

MARJORIE SKINNER Hollywood Theatre.

★ BRANDED TO KILL 1967’s yakuza flick, screening in conjunction with Floating World Comics’ yakuza-inspired art show, “Battles without Honor or Humanity.” More info: floatingworldcomics.com.

Hollywood Theatre.

THE CAMINO DOCUMENTARY A work-in-progress screening of a locally produced film about those hiking Spain’s “ancient pilgrim path,” the Camino de Santiago. Director in attendance. Northwest Film Center’s Whitsell Auditorium.

CLUE Fun Fact™! Among Mormon high school drama kids in Salt Lake City, Utah, this film is a huge hit! HOLDING HANDS WITH ANYONE OF THE OPPOSITE OR SAME GENDER DURING SUCH SCREENINGS IS FORBIDDEN. Laurelhurst Theater.

THE COLD LIGHT OF DAY A Bruce Willis action flick that wasn’t screened for critics. Hell, they didn’t even tell critics it existed. So yeah.

Maybe skip this one. Various Theaters.

★ DANGEROUS DESIRES:

FILM NOIR CLASSICS

See Film, this issue. Northwest Film Center’s Whitsell Auditorium.

DREAMS OF A LIFE A drama-documentary inspired by the life and death of Joyce Carol Vincent—a Londoner who died in her flat in 2003, but whose body wasn’t discovered for three years.

Clinton Street Theater.

AN EVENING WITH MAUREEN SELWOOD Animator Maureen Selwood, the judge for this fall’s Northwest Filmmakers’ Festival, presents some of her work. Director in attendance. Northwest Film Center’s Whitsell Auditorium.

FILMUSIK

1928’s West of Zanzibar, starring Lon Chaney, with a live soundtrack and voiceover. Hollywood Theatre.

FINDING NEMO 3D

Hey, it’s Finding Nemo! Except now it costs more!

Various Theaters.

100 DAYS. 100 PEOPLE. 100 MUSTANGS.

★ KUNG FU THEATER Old-school kung fu on 35 mm! Up this week: The Crippled Avengers, which is not really anything at all like The Avengers. Hollywood Theatre.

STARTS FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 14

POTTY TALK A 25-minute-long screening of the web series, followed by a Q&A with the filmmakers. More info: pottytalkpdx. com. Clinton Street Theater.

Portland’s Historic non-Profit tHeatre

QUEEN: LIVE IN BUDAPEST ’86

Queen. Live in Budapest. In 1986... the same year Highlander came out. “Here we are, born to be kings/ We’re the princes of the universe...!” Living Room Theaters.

★ THE QUEEN OF VERSAILLES Documentarian Lauren Greenfield got career-definingly lucky with The Queen of Versailles. When she began making a movie about the construction of the largest house in America—a 90,000-square-foot monstrosity designed by time-share mogul David Siegel and his wife Jackie—Greenfield inadvertently secured herself a frontrow seat to the Siegels’ plunge from mindless excess to fiscal uncertainty when the financial crisis wiped out most of David’s assets. As head of the world’s most successful time-share operation, David made his fortune selling poor people the illusion of wealth, two weeks a year at a time. As his son puts it, “Everyone wants to be rich. If they can’t be rich, the next best thing is to feel rich.” And the third best thing is to watch tacky rich people lose all their money and have to put their kids in public school.

ALISON HALLETT Laurelhurst Theater.

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This is the fifth Resident Evil film; for the fifth time, Milla Jovovich is gonna fuck up some zombies. It did not screen for critics. Weird. Various Theaters.

SEVEN SAMURAI

★ ROBOT AND FRANK Grumpy ex-con Frank (Frank Langella) is old, tired, and starting to lose his memory. So his son buys him a robotic “health care aide” who’s programmed to monitor and improve Frank’s physical and mental health. The robot takes out the trash, goes grocery shopping, and keeps Frank company. Frank hates the robot... until, thinking back on his days as a cat burglar, he realizes he might be able to trick the robot into helping him pull off a heist. A goofy plot twist or two aside, Robot and Frank is phenomenal—funny and sad and kind and weird and insightful. It’s one of my favorite movies I’ve seen in a long time. ERIK HENRIKSEN Fox Tower 10.

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RESIDENT EVIL: RETRIBUTION

★ SLEEPWALK WITH ME Turn on NPR and you’ll hear an example: “Real people” telling “true stories” are everywhere these days. Stand-up comedian Mike Birbiglia is a real person who has a true story about his career in comedy, ending a relationship, and a sleep disorder, and he’s gotten pretty good at telling it: First in a one-man show, then a book, and now the gently endearing film Sleepwalk with Me, co-written with storytelling high priest Ira Glass. Describing a story as “true” suggests there’s only one way to tell it, but if this mild little comedy has a moral, it’s this: Even a true story is changed in the telling. The best we can do is to tell our stories honestly and well. ALISON HALLETT Cinema 21, Kiggins Theatre.

sATURDAY sEpTEmbER 15 – moNDAY sEpTEmbER 17

CriPPlEd avENgErS TUEsDAY sEpTEmbER 18 · 7:30 pm

See the Mercury movie section for showtimes, and visit our NEW website

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News.

MP3s. sNark.

SPORTS, LEISURE, AND VIDEOTAPE

See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 24. Hollywood Theatre.

WILD HORSE, WILD RIDE A not-screened-for-critics doc about the Extreme Mustang Makeover Challenge and people who really, really like horses. Living Room Theaters.

★ MEANS WE RECOMMEND IT. THEATER LOCATIONS ARE ACCURATE FRIDAY SEPTEMBER 14-THURSDAY SEPTEMBER 20, UNLESS OTHERWISE NOTED. FILM TIMES AND SHORTS ARE ALSO AVAILABLE AT PORTLANDMERCURY.COM.

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September 13, 2012 Portland Mercury 51

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I want to buy my 14-year-old niece a dildo, some lube, and an age-appropriate book about sex. (Can you recommend one?) I have her mother’s permission, but I wanted to double-check on whether there are legal issues I should be concerned about. (I live in Oregon.)

Do you think it would be inappropriate for me to cross that boundary with my niece? I fi gure it would be less awkward to get these items from me than from her mother, and I would include a thoughtful letter on love, sex, and life with the promise that I will never bring the “gift” up, but that I will always be happy to talk if she wants to. Any other advice on how to handle it appropriately would be appreciated.

Wanted Toys Too P.S. I am motivated to do this due to my own teenage experience of not wanting a penis to be the first thing of substance put in my vagina. I had to resort to a plastic banana, no lube. Ouch!

“Your niece is lucky to have a mom and an aunt who are invested in her sexual well-being,” says Jennifer Pritchett, the owner of Smitten Kitten, a sex-toy shop in Minneapolis and a frequent Savage Love guest expert. “She’s also lucky to live in a time when sexual health information geared toward young adults is readily available.”

And why shouldn’t penetration toys be readily available to your niece? All any 14-year-old boy who wants to experiment with penetration— for his own pleasure, to build up his confidence in advance of partnered sex—has to do is make a fist. Girls who are curious about penetration shouldn’t have to resort to plastic bananas.

Pritchett recommends that you get your niece a copy of Heather Corinna’s book S.E.X.: The All-You-Need-to-Know Progressive Sexuality Guide to Get You Through High School and College, which is terrific, and that you make sure your niece knows about scarleteen.com, an amazing, comprehensive, and sex-positive independent sex-ed website.

“Share these resources with her,” says Pritchett, “but do not write an awkward letter!

All you are going to do is communicate your own insecurities about the ‘gift,’ and trust me, she’s got enough weird cultural hang-ups about sex and pleasure to deal with! It’s admirable that you want to save her from the plastic banana, but be careful not to inadvertently project your own sexual choices onto her experience.”

Pritchett also suggests that instead of selecting a sex toy for your niece, WTT, you take your niece to a sex-toy shop so she can make her own selection—because, hey, what could be awkward about that? “If you really want to empower her to make her own decisions about her body,” says Pritchett, “take her to an education-based shop like She Bop (sheboptheshop.com) in Portland where their trained sex educators can help her figure out what she might like to try.”

If your niece would like to go sex-toy shopping with you—and that’s a big if—you’ll need to call She Bop in advance and make an afterhours appointment. “We are an 18-plus shop,” says Jeneen Doumitt, co-owner of She Bop, “but we have made special arrangements in the past for younger teens. We would need to get written consent from the legal parent or guardian and the parent or guardian would have to accompany them.”

There is also the option of going on their website and shopping together with your niece, or you could send your niece to any number of female-sex-positive websites and she can pick the toys she wants you to buy—no letter from parent or guardian required, no embarrassing small talk.

I have a fetish for sweaty, smelly, stinky female feet, but I don’t know how to approach strange women and ask them to fulfill my wishes. It sucks that the only way to maybe get

52 Portland Mercury September 13, 2012

what I want is to hire an escort or go to one of those foot parties that are always held in huge cities hundreds of miles away from where I live. How can I realize my dreams in the small hick town where I live? Any suggestions?

Desperate For Feet Sorry, DFF, but you’re just gonna have to move to a big city (or travel to one) to realize your dreams of sweaty, smelly, stinky female feet.

And if your dreams revolve around servicing the feet of more than one loving, indulgent woman, then you’re gonna have to pay nice ladies to make your dreams come true. Approaching strange women in hick towns or big cities and asking them to indulge your fetish isn’t going to get you anywhere other than a sex-offender registry.

I recently found out my husband once responded to an online ad from some guy seeking to give blowjobs to other men. He actually went to the guy’s apartment but chickened out after meeting him. This was 10 years ago, long before we were even dating, and it was during an extremely long (five-year) dry spell for him. I don’t know whether I’m turned JOE NEWTON on or creeped out by this, but I am definitely having a reaction to the secret he shared with me. Can you help me make heads or tails of all this? Should I be worried he’ll end up getting rest-stop blowjobs one day?

All Mixed Up During an extremely long (four-year) dry spell of my own, AMU, I responded more than once to offl ine offers of blowjobs from girls. I was horny, I was desperate, and my powers of concentration were such that I could close my eyes and pretend—and I’m really dating myself here—that Bo Duke was blowing me.

Desperate men do desperate things, AMU, and just as my teenage/closeted desperation drove me into the arms, beds, and mouths of some nice young women, similarly desperate straight guys have been known to accept blowjobs from gay or bi dudes. And just as the concentrate-on-Bo-Duke blowjobs I got from girls back in the ’80s didn’t make me straight, the concentrate-on-Sofia-Vergara blowjobs straight guys get from dudes today don’t make them gay.

It’s possible, of course, that your husband will wind up getting rest-stop blowjobs one day—anything is possible—but that one time he almost got a blowjob from another dude doesn’t make rest-stop blowjobs any more or less likely. (I’m assuming your husband is telling the truth about not going through with it.)

And as your being turned on by the thought of the husband getting a blowjob from another man doesn’t make those rest-stop blowjobs any likelier either, AMU, I think you should go ahead and let yourself be turned on by the idea.

After 20 years of boring vanilla-ness with my ex-husband, I’m tickled pink to be with a GGG guy who’s into some fun stuff and encourages me to explore. The problem: One of his kinks is a smoking fetish, and I don’t smoke cigarettes. Inhaling is a big part of the excitement for him, but I cough if I inhale, which ruins the mood. Any advice for ways to be GGG with this kink?

Cigarette Inhaling GGGirl There are limits to being GGG—self-harm being one of them. Give him permission to explore this particular fetish with someone stupid enough to smoke. If he pouts, CIGGG, remind him who inhales his dick.

Find the Savage Lovecast at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net @fakedansavage on Twitter

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™

Survive… and Thrive!

by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey

“OH, BOO-HOO-HOO,” I hear you cry.

“Oh, boo-hoo-hoo, I’m scared of the coming apocalypse, and therefore I’m a big tubby crybaby with a diaper full of bottom-squirts because I am such a scaredycat crybaby chicken bawk-bawk!” YOU DISGUST ME. I am not the least bit scared of the coming apocalypse, for two reasons: 1) I have mad survival skillz, and 2) I’m not a scaredy-cat crybaby chicken bawk-bawk-BAAAAAWWWK! But if you’re not scared? Then you obviously haven’t seen the commercial for Revolution—the new NBC show from J.J. Abrams (Lost) and Eric Kripke (Supernatural) that debuts this coming Monday (Sept 17, 10 pm). Revolution begins by depicting a modern, device-heavy world much like our own, when suddenly… KLUNK! Hey! Some stupid jerk shut off all the electricity in the entire world!

And now? Nothing works. No lights, no phones, no internet, no planes, no cars… even batteries are inexplicably on the fritz! (That’s right, ladies—no buzzy vibrators. Now do I have your attention?)

Within 15 years, the world reverts to the Dark Ages, where militias and warlords are the new government, and families are forced to sit by candlelight at night, reenacting old episodes of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. (That’s what I would do anyway.) However, in Revolution, things are much busier for a young teen whose dad is murdered, and then sets off on a quest to rescue her kidnapped brother, as well as locate her uncle who (gasp!) may have something to do with the worldwide blackout! As you can see, there are pros and cons to this post-apocalyptic arrangement: Pro: She gets to carry and shoot a crossbow, and be favorably compared to the girl in The Hunger Games.

Con: EWW! Sometimes people shoot muskets. Even George Washington was embarrassed by muskets.

Pro: She’s generally happier due to a healthier lifestyle and diet.

Con: No Totino’s Pizza Rolls!

Pro: Even with no TV, there’s still

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lots of excitement in the form of running from danger, kissing hunky boys, and sword fighting. (Who knew stabbing was so much fun?)

Cons: She’s disappointed that her life is a little too similar to other apocalyptic TV shows like Terra Nova or The Walking Dead—but without the zombies or dinosaurs!

While the pilot for Revolution seriously teeters into “mehhh” territory, there’s strong potential for some heavy duty sci-fi fun—especially when they demonstrate the nuts and bolts of survival in a post-apocalyptic world. My main gripe? Why wasn’t I asked to be an expert consultant for this show?? When it comes to sweet-ass survival skillz I am the BOMB-diggy-diggy. Want examples?

Example #1! Make your own homemade Totino’s Pizza Rolls by inserting toe cheese from a goat into the stomach lining of a frog. Then heat and serve. Example #2! While killing village warlords with a crossbow or sword is enjoyable… I prefer a highly trained squadron of murdering bears. Pro tip: Wear chainmail, and always carry fish. Example #3! A crude but effective vibrator can be fashioned by attaching an angry hive of bees to the end of a cucumber. HA! Electricity-schmecknicity. WHO NEEDS IT?!?

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FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 14 8:00 CW AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL The girls are directed by Tyler Perry—which means they have to dress up like a 60-year-old black woman.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 15 10:00 CMT REDNECK REHAB Debut! Former rednecks are confronted and persuaded to return to their hillbilly roots. Why? WHY? WHYYYY???

11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE Season premiere! Musical guest: the awesome Frank Ocean. Host: the abysmal Seth MacFarlane.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 16 9:00 HBO BOARDWALK EMPIRE Season premiere! It’s New Year’s Eve in 1922, a time when everyone should resolve not to be killed

by Al Capone.

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9:00 E! KEEPING UP WITH THE KARDASHIANS Season finale! Kourtney’s baby is born… and what’s that funny “666” on its forehead?

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MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 17 9:00 FOX THE MOB DOCTOR Debut! A doctor joins the mob to pay off her brother’s gambling debts. Things are gonna get awwwwkward!

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TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 18 10:00 SYFY HOT SET Debut! Hollywood production designers compete against each other to build the most awesomest movie set.

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9:30 CBS BIG BROTHER Season finale! That again.

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September 13, 2012 Portland Mercury 53

I SAW U

YOU KENYAN ENGINEER ME VIDEO&DANCE

SALT AND STRAW PAPER TOWELS

You: upset the antique paper towel dispenser in the bathroom didn’t work.

Me: commiserating but really trying not to go GAAAAAAH! and plop my face into a tub of ice cream, you’re that adorable. Us: dinner, more flirting, like that. When: Saturday, September 8, 2012. Where: Alberta Salt And Straw.

You: Woman. Me: Man. #915129

26CAFE. BACK PATIO. CANADIAN TUXEDO.

Didn’t want to be rude and interrupt your time. But damn was I floored by your style! I’d love to take you on a date, most certainly, if I could be so honored. Me: grey sweatshirt and glasses & baby-beard. When: Monday, September 10, 2012. Where: 26 cafe.

You: Woman. Me: Man. #915128

SWEET PETE ON THE MAX

I told you that I was clumsy! :-) You however were very pretty and obviously full of life and in the moment. I’d love a chance to put my other foot in my mouth and buy you drinks or dinner.

When: Friday, September 7, 2012.

Where: NW Portland. You: Woman. Me: Man. #915125

41ST STREET BIKE-WAY, STUNNING SMILE

You: gorgeous girl on a blue peugeot.

A stunningly beautiful smile, and no reservations about eye contact. Me: Tall guy getting into my white pickup.

Wish I had said something, but you were gone before I realized I should have. When: Friday, September 7, 2012.

Where: SE 41st and Pine. You: Woman.

Me: Man. #915124

LUNCHTIME PEARL WALK, HEADPHONES GUY Passed you, cute light-brown-haired guy with headphones, while walking near 17th & Marshall (?) with my ladyposse. Eyes met & after you passed us I checked you out; you were looking too. Please be single? (I’m the bluehaired one) When: Friday, September 7, 2012. Where: NW Portland. You: Man. Me: Woman. #915123

MORGAN AT CRAMER PSU LAB

computer lab @psu. curly hair, big glasses, kindapunkkindanot. netflix/ hulu, always FB. have a huge crush. caught your name once, even brought you flowers once but you weren’t there. coffee and talk about how much cooler nyc is than this town? When: Wednesday, May 11, 2011. Where: Computer Lab at PSU. You: Woman. Me: Man. #915122

OUTSIDE CREMA SITTING WITH IPAD

I was staring at you from the shop up the street the moment I saw you sitting in your car, and then again when you sat outside of Crema. You are super hot. When: Sunday, September 2, 2012.

Where: Crema. You: Man. Me: Woman. #915121

HUNGRY TIGER BARTENDER You are the blonde (Taylor?) that used to work on Tuesdays. I came in sometimes for tacos and Tecates. You commented on my Battlestar Galactica shirt. You haven’t been there in a couple of weeks. What happened to you?

When: Monday, September 3, 2012.

Where: Hungry Tiger Too. You: Woman.

Me: Man. #915120

DO YOU KNOW THE MUSTACHEMAN? You were the beautiful-Runner#4 at H2C-2012, wearing a ravishing orange Nike-tank, enchanting sun-kissed skin, exquisite combover. You were commonly amongst the “HasselHoffs.”

I, a VanTramp Runner#1, pinkcompression-socks, regularly using a megaphone. I complimented you on your stache & beauty via-megaphone.

When: Friday, August 24, 2012. Where: Hood To Coast 2012. You: Man. Me: Woman. #915108

Isaac, I met you at Holocene, you work at Intell. We talked of politics, and street signs that say “you are very cute”. I hesitated, but i’d like to see you again. I’m a dancer and a video artist. When: Saturday, September 1, 2012. Where: the Holocene. You: Man. Me: Woman. #915119

LITTLE FINGER CURL

You made a little finger curl, i made the other half. But I was so sleepy.

You went dumpstering, I went to bed.

At 4 in the morning I heard you ask “who lives in the rabbit hole now?”

Coffeedot? When: Saturday, September 1, 2012. Where: The Singularity. You: Transsexual (male to female). Me: Man. #915118

NOT CHRISTOPHER ROBIN

Me: Real drunk, short, red lipstick, short hair, studs. You: studs, beautifulfaced tall man who smoked my friends and I out- thanks- I made a failed attempt to get your number- thought it was worth another shot. When: Friday, August 31, 2012. Where: Triple Nickel.

You: Man. Me: Woman. #915115

BIKING BOY ON HAWTHORNE

OPENS BOTTLES LIKE A BOSS

Girls 4 Boys

At the Whole Foods on Burnside. You were nice enough to open my drink after I had been fighting with it for a good five or ten minutes like an idiot. Hope I see you around. When: Wednesday, August 29, 2012. Where: Whole Foods on Burnside In the Cafe.

You: Man. Me: Woman. #915105

FOOD, DRINKS, BEER, FREEDOM, LOVE

Hey there, my name is Megan and I moved to Portland from southern Utah back in November of 2011. I haven’t had the best of luck meeting people up here and so I thought I would give this a try. MeganHope, 21

BEAUTIFUL @ STARBUCKS

You - dark blue dress, polka dots?, wavy med-dark hair, windowseat w/ your earphones. Me - light blue shirt, black jeans, going out the door. I told you you’re beautiful... Wish I’d said more... Just seeing you made my day.

When: Thursday, August 23, 2012.

Where: Starbucks on Hawthorne. You: Woman. Me: Man. #915104

MEWING IN THE NIGHT

You said you liked to walk at night but not alone. I like to walk too but not without you. Now we are singing in the rain, singing in the RAIN! Where are you going now? Please one more.

ANUSHERWUN! When: Monday, August 27, 2012. Where: walking at night NoPo. You: Transsexual (male to female). Me: Man. #915102

LUNA

Did you post an ad for a red haired girl on July 6th? I was walking, you rode up next to me, asked me to get a beer with you. I was sad to say no. Still out there, somewhere? When: Friday, July 6, 2012. Where: Hawthorne. You: Man. Me: Woman. #915113

WHOLE FOODS PEARL GIRL

we were in poetry, you taught me about paper, i liked how you thumbed the corners of sheets and wrote to-do lists. catastrophic beauty in yr glance, weak in the knees, scared the shit out of me. signed, hopeless jerk When: Saturday, October 1, 2011. Where: third floor.

You: Woman. Me: Man. #915101

AT THE SINGULARITY

You though I said soft spot but I meant something else. You were quite adorable yet I am not sure you are into women. I think your name is sam. Send me a msg, I am delayedreaction on mercury’s site. When: Thursday, August 30, 2012. Where: whole foods. You: Woman. Me: Woman. #915112

You were so small and i was right next to you. We had coffee and walked together in the summer night. Then I wrote a nice “I saw U” add but the moderators deleted it. Mew another dot? When: Saturday, August 25, 2012.

Where: s1nguLar17y. You: Transsexual (male to female). Me: Man. #915100

BIKE + BURRITO + MANBABE

HIGH DIVE PATIO, SUN NIGHT

Hawthorne food carts late Sunday night, you got a burrito on your bike and stopped by to say I looked lovely in red. You should have stayed to dine with us. Tacos and tequila sometime?

When: Sunday, August 26, 2012. Where: Hawthorne Food Carts. You: Man. Me: Woman. #915111

LAST THURSDAY, GUARDINO ART GALLERY We flirted about old hammers, cherry pitters, Ikarus and a box of brassknuckles. I kept seeing you down the road. Wanted to introduce myself but didn’t want to impose on your group.

You: 5’4”? beautiful brunette. Me: 5’7” shorn When: Thursday, August 30, 2012. Where: Guardino Gallery. You: Woman. Me: Man. #915110

DAN SEEKS LORIEN. NOW! Airport rendezvous. Rock-ola. I wanna be your boyfriend. You: smoking hot, stunning eyes, tattooed Portlandian.

Me: Boner. Pending deportation. Map left to find me. Hold me closer Tony Danza. When: Tuesday, August 28, 2012. Where: In my dreams!. You: Woman. Me: Man. #915109

POLAR BEAR’S DAD Hey! Sorry about the dog snarling ending. We’ve met 3x now, Maybe you and Bear would want to come over for a beer? Same hood and I have a fenced in yard. That other dog was totally the culprit! When: Wednesday, August 29, 2012. Where: Alberta Park. You: Man. Me: Woman. #915107

REDHEAD AT A RED LIGHT You: Supercute redhead girl in a white Subaru wagon Me: Beardo guy in a white truck We had a few mutual smiles in front of Bridgeport Village, but lights turn green...it was 8/20/2012...I bet I could make you smile again When: Monday, August 20, 2012. Where: Bridgeport village. You: Woman. Me: Man. #915106

Simple To Respond! respond online with a membership

11:45pm Sunday - I walked by twice.

You were sitting, then standing at bus table. Me: slim white guy, black longsleeve tshirt, jeans, bag, brown hair side-parted. You: slender woman, straight dark hair, cute. Eye contact only. But still... When: Sunday, August 26, 2012. Where: High Dive patio, SE 12th & Madison. You: Woman. Me: Man. #915099

CAPOEIRA IJEXA AT CRUSH You were performing and we made eye contact a couple times. I had to leave before I could talk to you. I would’ve stayed all night just to hear your voice.

I can’t wait to see you perform again.

When: Saturday, August 25, 2012.

Where: Crush Brazil Night. You: Woman.

Me: Woman. #915098

INDIAN, PUPPETEER, SCREENWRITER, HIKER I am a filmmaker when not at my paid job. I’m interested in a guy who isn’t afraid to be direct, keeps committments and enjoys adventures.

Two_Feathers2, 43

PARDON THE CHARM...

I’m looking for something real. i’m a laid back girly girl who loves to laugh and can charm your pants off in a g-rated way lol. If you like an honest fun and caring girl, hit me up. suchalivelything, 27

UNIQUE INTELLIGENT FUN MOMMA

You were cashiering at the Whole Foods on Fremont. Longish blonde hair and bangs and beautiful smile. I was only there for a few minutes but it was long enough for me to appreciate how you took my breath away. When: Saturday, August 25, 2012. Where: Whole Foods Fremont. You: Woman. Me: Woman. #915097

SCRAP! You saw me and lingered for a bit.

You scrapping drawing supplies, and made your way over to the register when I was paying. I was trying to think of something cheeky to say. Lets do something crafty? When: Friday, August 24, 2012. Where: scrap. You: Man. Me: Woman. #915096

JOE THE MESSENGER GUY! Hey cute bicycle messenger guy at Jones bar last Saturday, I really did like your dance moves! You biked away before i could work up the courage to give you my number. bike ride together? When: Saturday, August 18, 2012. Where: Jones Bar. You: Man. Me: Woman. #915093

BACK IN THE PDX GROVE Moved back from a 4 year stint in Seattle and I’m happy as hell about it! Looking for someone to play with. I’m up for anything fun..movies, bars, hikes, rides, pinball, shows....

(FYI, scared of heights and puppets).

Agatha, 38

GLASS HALF FULL

I’m a fun loving, happy, outgoing, and optimistic individual looking to meet new people. I’m down to have some more Portland adventures and you’ll find out the rest when you meet me. cleste, 23

ONLY CHICK WHO DISLIKES PDX?

Well, I’m a student at PSU. I love cats, cheese, tattoos, California, and boots.

Like the outdoors, hate camping. I swear I am a nice person, but I’m know to be a...sassy firecracker, if you will. calibound, 21

COFFEE, TEA, OR ME

SWEET BAKER

My friends describe me as witty, quirky, and laid back. I like roller derby, running, and the outdoors. I am looking for a guy who is kind, honest, and has a sense of humor. essara, 33

I don’t normally do this whole online dating thing but I thought I would give it a try. I moved here from Michigan, 7 years ago. It’s just me and my cats :).

Littletina22, 35

EMPATHIC ANALYTIC DANCER

READY FOR A SUMMER CRUSH!

I want to swim, dance and travel. I am intelligent, creative, fit and good at lots of things. I want a partner with similar interests, who is vulnerable and self-aware, passionate and playful, loyal and responsible. fireflies333, 33

I’m a funny, sweet, attractive lady. I didn’t think I would end up here, but I did. That’s just the way life works. I’m ready to meet an attractive fun person.

Hopefully have an adventure! coco le fleur, 30

GOLDILOCKS GEEK CHASER

Boys 4 Girls

I am a queer who is open to all genders and sexual orientations. I love bears and chubby furry types but my interests vary. Please be: queer friendly, body positive and generally not an asshat. freak2geek, 35

FRIENDLY, TALL, AND SHY

I’m 19, and single. I lived in the Portland area all my life. Just moved to downtown about a year ago. I never dated before and I’m Looking for a super sweet and cute man to be with. pearllover, 19

DOES ANYBODY ACTUALLY DO THIS?

My friends say that if a sailor and a trucker were to get together and have a baby, that baby would be my mouth.

TapiocaPearl, 34

Smart, nice, funny Tolkien fan seeks someone who reads & thinks & feels.

Someone who wants to play board games or catch a show. Have an opinion about original Trek vrs. TNG? This might be you. (Batting my eyes.). lalalanilu, 39

CAREENED OFF ROAD, MAROONED HERE “It’s useless to hold a person to anything he says while he’s in love, drunk, or running for office.” Shirley MacLaine. DirtyHands, 37

SO GLAD TO BE HERE! I’m returning to Portland in midSeptember to begin the next chapter in my life. I am excited because I love change and meeting new people. I’m always looking to learn new things.

Teach me, and I’ll make you food! copper87, 24

KIND OF A BIG DEAL Just lookin for a good one (honest, kind, funny) to have fun with! I’m into the usual Portland pastimes--cocktails, coffee, culture...and whatever else is thought-provoking or life-enriching. missoptimism, 33

LOOKING FOR YOU...

I went to the UofO and am a HUGE Duck fan! I am a musician and spend lots of time playing guitar and listening to music. Sports are a big passion too and I love being active and getting exercise. Duckfan37, 37

GNARLY KILLER COUNTRY, SUGGESTIONS? I am wondering what it takes to make this work. Will you contact me? Will I respond? These questions require one course of action to be answered. themirrorhas2sides, 27

ACTIVE CLASSY NERD DONE GOOD

SCIENTIFIC ROMANCE, PLASTIC AND CLEAN

If you have a sick sense of humor and are kind of a perv, I am incredibly fun to be around, because I’m the same and I do it well. fresh_produce, 31

HOLA, COMO ESTAS?

I’m a chill, creative, dude who loves to laugh and connect to people with the same sensibilities. I’m hoping to find a really cool girl who wants to maybe artjam and/or be my muse. No expectations, just quantum entanglement.

MrTebes, 28

DRIVEN, PASSIONATE, CHILL INTENSITY

I love science fiction and fantasy books, science, fitness, school and my career, and I’m looking for someone who is interested in science and wants to work out with me and go out on the town! Salochin, 22

A BODY IN MOTION...

...stays in motion. I am always doing something, though sometimes I seem to get nothing actually done. You- well, you tell me. You are amazing, and wonderful. Tell me your story, you know it far far better than I do. Woodsybear, 41

ME JUST HAPPY ROBOT

I am a creative, smart, slightly peculiar individual that likes to have fun, see live bands, and generally have as much fun as possible. monkeypirate, 37

LOVE IS JUST A BLOODSPORT.

Hi. I could tell you about myself, but that would be cheating :) What im looking for is simple but hard. A cool chick with a great sense of humor and terrific chemistry. tuxedocat, 31

SUPER CHILL SURFER VIBE

hi I just moved to portland from this little island out in the carribean called St. Thomas. anyway im looking for some new peeps to chill with, not necessarily a Girlfreind but if it happens cool. give me a shout. VI_King, 20

NOT YOUR AVERAGE MONKEY

I have a dog and two cats, I live alone and smoke, drink, cuss, and eat meat.

I‚Äôm a little quirky, goofy, and shy, but I warm up quickly. Let’s laugh and be silly together. GhettoMacGyver, 32

EVERYDAY IS AN EXISTENTIAL ADVENTURE. I’m a bit of a nerd, but I wouldn’t consider it defining. I love to read. I often think abstractly. I like socializing over drinks. I’m a playful individual, and am down for many different types of adventure. HappinessIsAWarmGun, 26

Friendly, gets along with everyone.

Looking for friends that enjoy Doctor Who, console games & Kumoricon.

Wanting people for brunch, biking, hikes, group exercise, happy-hour, etc.

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Alright here we go...I am a very outgoing, funny, fun type of guy that goes with the flow...I am honest, loving n I’m looking for a lovely female to ride the this life with me, also looking for fun. crazyfunB, 37

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www.mercurylovelab.com* 54 Portland Mercury September 13, 2012

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MAAKIES // TONY MILLIONAIRE

Tony Millionaire’s work is published by Dark Horse Comics and online at maakies.com

Ryan North has daily comics available at qwantz.com

DINOSAUR COMICS // RYAN NORTH

ILLUSTRATION BY KALAH ALLEN

PAVEMENT POUNDING The new “entry level” jobs mean you must have at least three years experience doing a similar job, or only one year if you have your Masters. No, I don’t have previous experience working in a museum or speaking Spanish. But I did have plenty of classes about statistical analysis. I guess I wasn’t good enough to get an interview for an $11.50/hr job as your evaluation assistant. Good luck on your second attempt at posting that job. If you are going to post a job and include “must have excellent writing skills,” you might want to double-check your own posting for spelling and grammatical errors. When I come in for an interview, please have the decency to let me know that I did not get the job. I took the time out of my workday to come in and talk to you. I wish I could take back my “thank you” letter. When you do give me a rejection letter, please do not start off by telling me how you received so many qualified applications and unfortunately I was not one of them. Fuck this shit.—Anonymous Submit your unsigned confessions and accusations of 300 words or less, changing the names of the innocent and guilty, to “I, Anonymous,” at anonymous@portlandmercury.com, or on the new I, Anonymous blog at portlandmercury.com.

UNDERWORLD // KAZ

Kaz's work is published by Fantagraphics; view his work at kazunderworld.com

Submit your photos & art online at flickr.com/groups/portlandmercury

liz.vanboskirk

IDIOT BOX // MATT BORS

Matt Bors is a Portland-based political cartoonist; view his work at mattbors.com

Conlan Murphy

September 13, 2012 Portland Mercury 55

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