When someone is grieving: You don’t know what to say? Say this.

BY ARIEL TURCOTTE

As Christmas approaches, I am reminded that our only son, Hayden, will not be here for another season. He was killed at the age of 22, when a 74-year-old man ran a stop sign. His girlfriend Madeline, soon-to-be fiancé, was killed as well, at the age of 23.

This was almost three and a half years ago, July 26, 2019. My husband and I search for new traditions and ways to remember and honour the two of them at Christmas, as well as help us to survive the holiday season. This will be Christmas number four and although it does not get easier, there are times when the pain is not as intense as those first years.

We moved to Powell River just over two years ago. We needed a place that was calmer, quieter and community-like that would help us support our grief with Hayden’s death. We have been welcomed with open arms by all and are reminded daily that we made the right decision to move here.

The first Christmas here, I did not decorate inside at all; however, we did put lights outside as they tend to brighten those dark winter days. We did not have a tree either – I just was not up to it. We did, however, on Christmas Day set a place at the dining table for both Maddie and Hayden with a picture of the two of them. We also lit a candle for them.

Last year I went all out and did decorate our new house. It felt right! The snow came last year and Paul and I had a lovely Christmas Day by ourselves. We relaxed with a nice breakfast, went out and shoveled snow and then had a nice walk with our little saviour pup, Flynn. He was born on the day of Hayden and Maddie’s first date, Nov 16, 2018.

We also invited friends to join us for the holidays and they arrived on Boxing Day. Their son, who grew up with Hayden, came as well with his girlfriend and their new puppy. It was nice to have a family here in our house with us and a boy Hayden’s age around.

Although it can be sad to be with friends knowing that our son will never be here with us again, it helps us share memories and understand what our Hayden might be doing at this stage of his life.

There is no rhyme or reason to how a bereaved parent will feel on any given day, especially more so in those early years after their child’s death. All I do know is that I have learned to go with what I feel on a given day and I work hard to be kind to myself if I do not want to participate in a given function.

Early on in my grief journey, I was lucky to find a group called Compassionate Friends. This was brought to my attention through Victim Services at the RCMP and also the BC Bereavement society. There was a local chapter close by to where we lived in North Vancouver. The chapter leader sent me the Fall newsletter edition prior to our attending the first meeting. I remember reading a very helpful but sad article by another bereaved parent who went to her first meeting with pen and pad in hand hoping to find the answers to help her deal with the most excruciating pain ever. She did not find answers; however, the meeting was the start of understanding that it is possible to survive the death of your child and there are people who understand. She left the meeting and sat in her car crying for quite awhile afterwards; this was her start to her way through the grief. This article spoke to me as this is what I would think to do at this meeting had I not read the article. Our brain just wants answers to STOP the pain and bring our children back. Our heart does not understand at all.

What does this mean for the rest of the world that is watching us grieve this incredible loss and is having trouble even fathoming this happening to us, let alone thinking about what it would be like for them if their child died? I hear so many times from family members, friends and co-workers wanting to help their bereaved persons: “I do not know what to say. I do not know what to do.”

There are no concrete answers. However, I would like to share some ideas that I have learned along the way that I feel may help the world at large learn to understand the grief in our lives and others.

1. When talking to a person who is dealing with the grief from a death – one word “today” helps immensely.

“How are you doing today?” We know that they are in pain; we know that they are not doing the best; and that they are grieving – however, by adding the word “today” to how are you doing, you give the question a boundary that makes it possible for a grieving person to answer.

2. Often, when we know someone else is experiencing grief, our discomfort keeps us from approaching it head on.

But we want the world to remember our child or children, no matter how young or old our child was. You can ask about their child, using their name. Many bereaved parents love to hear their child’s name spoken. It is almost as if they are alive for that conversation. When topics come up you could say “Tell me one of your favorite memories of your child,” or you could tell them one of your good memories of their child. What we need to remember is that even though talking about a dead child may bring sadness to the person at the moment, the sharing of memories can also bring some joy.

3. When the family gets together for special occasions like Christmas, talk about the person who is no longer with you.

Share memories, jokes, tears. This process brings families together and helps all persons deal with the sadness. For the first year or so, I had pictures of Hayden and Maddy in my purse, even in a little picture frame and this frame would sit at the table with us wherever we went. I have many pictures of the places we went. I believe I was in shock; however, at those moments it made me happy and brought memories to the surface that, as time passed, helped me deal with the grief.

4. Accept that you cannot fix us.

The world is sad when our children die, as parents should not outlive their children. This makes this death especially tragic. An out-of-order death such as the death of a child breaks a parent in a way that is not fixable or solvable – ever! We will learn to pick up the pieces and move forward, but our lives will never be the same.

Light a candle in memory of your child

In December each year Compassionate Friends has a special candlelight ceremony to honour and remember our children. This year’s is on December 13, at 7 pm., at the Hospice Society Office.

We hope you will join us with a picture of your child and light a candle in their memory. If you like, bring a supportive friend or family member. Feel free to contact us at powellrivertcf@gmail.com, or call 604-218-6245 (Ariel) or 604-487-0889 (Joan).