PressureLife Issue 26 by PressureLife

A CLOSER LOOK INTO CLEVELANDâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S BDSM SCENE.

MUSIC / ENTERTAINMENT / ARTS + CULTURE / LIFE / INDEPENDENT / PRESSURELIFE.COM

S AY WH AT YOU SEE

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Creative Director, Owner Art Director, Partner Managing Editor, Partner Senior Writers

Staff Writers

Media Producer Contributors

Jim Bacha Hannah Allozi Alex Bieler Adam Dodd Dan Bernardi Kevin Naughton Dave Sebille James Earl Brassfield Tesh Ekman Kevin Naughton Cait Hogan Casey Rearick

@caseyrearickphoto

Darrick Tahir Rutledge Dave Skorepa Jason Dunlap Mandi Leigh Mary Santora Scott Anderson Stuart M. Philipps Wilson Rivera Distribution

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CONTENTS AUGUST / SE PT E MBE R 2019

06 Leaf Borbie and The Family Tree

Cleveland’s swampy disco voodoo.

08 J-Work in Progress

The hustle of a Cleveland-born artist.

10 (Will You) Mary Me

CLE-che date ideas.

12 Masked and Anonymous

The black rescue hero and inventor snubbed by white Cleveland.

14 Ohio Pie Co.

Dine with the PressureLife team.

16 Dungeons and Dommes

A closer look into Cleveland’s BDSM scene.

22 Undercovered

The East Side of Cleveland’s ongoing coverage problem.

22 Arrest Dodd

Unearthing a personal history of rum runners and federal raids.

26 New York Residence,

Cleveland Area Code

Terry Urban’s journey from Cleveland, to failed L.A. skater, to NYC artist.

28 Tech Trends

The robo-dog revolution.

30 Lunar Toons

Celebrate the 50th anniversary of the Moon landing with five loony origin theories.

A Triple Play to Strike Out Homelessness Home Run for the Homeless Aims to support people in need in Lorain County. that you should walk a mile in someone’s shoes before you can judge that person. Instead of judging, a trio of organizations want people to walk (or run) a mile in their own shoes to help support the homeless in Lorain County.

THERE'S A SAYING

Neighborhood Alliance, Hermes Road Racing, and the Lake Erie Crushers teamed up to host the 14th annual Home Run for the Homeless, a combination 5k walk/run and 1k walk to be held Saturday, Oct. 5 at Sprenger Stadium in Avon. The three groups aim to use the event to raise awareness of homelessness in the area and raise funds for the Alliance’s 24-hour, seven-day-a-week shelter and emergency services that provides locals with an extended stay family shelter and other services during their time of need. In addition to the valuable good karma and sense of decency that comes with participating in the event, people who partake in Home Run for the Homeless will receive T-shirts and goodie bags. There are also awards in store for the top overall male and female participants, as well as additional awards for various age groups. Not a fan of competition? Don’t worry. The 1k walk is untimed, and walking is a-okay for the 5k event as well. Interested in Home Run for the Homeless? Tickets for the event run at $30 for adults and $20 for children ages 12 and under on the day of the event. Those prices drop to $25 and $15 respectively if you pre-register by Friday, Oct. 4. Either way, supporting the event can help you put your shoes to good use and help the Neighborhood Alliance build a safety net for people in need.

Want to attend or support Home Run for the Homeless?

For registration and donation information, head to hermescleveland.com.

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“This is it,” says Robbie, looking around the table while his bandmates laugh. “These are the forever homies.” The new lineup includes Alex Rendek on guitar. Alex and Robbie met each other at one of the first Leaf Borbie and The Family Tree shows at The Grog Shop. Alex was there as a fan, but after the exodus of the first band, he and Robbie started contacting each other. “They were Instagram flirting!” blurts out auxiliary percussionist Lauren Elizabeth.

Leaf Borbie The Family Tree

Bassist Tyler Adams, laughs and confirms Lauren’s accusation.

and

“When a girl is posting sexy pictures everyday, you know she’s single and looking,” Robbie adds. “Alex was always ripping guitar solos on Instagram, I knew homie didn’t have a band.” This habit landed him in one of the most sought-after bands in Northeast Ohio. From house parties in Athens to PressureFest, Leaf Borbie and The Family Tree plays out an average of six times a month in support of its debut album.

The invention of Cleveland’s swampy disco voodoo.

Nothing Matters in a Dream is a collection of 13 captivating songs. The rhythm section comprised of Lane Neumarker on drums, Lauren Elizabeth on percussion, and Tyler Adams on bass holds down the sometimes mathematically-challenging songs while keeping the listener in the pocket with them. This winding groove is complimented by Rendek on guitar, never overplaying yet never fading into the background.

Dave Sebille Photography // Angela Cunningham

our years ago in a dimly-lit apartment in Cincinnati, Robbie Fale sat down with a four-track recorder and a mind to depart from the standard blues rock that held him prisoner.

"I don’t know the right way to do shit."

“I knew nothing about music, and I realized you could just do whatever the fuck you want,” Robbie explains. Today, he is handing out the debut album Nothing Matters in a Dream from his band Leaf Borbie and The Family Tree and telling the story of how this gap was closed. When Robbie returned to Cleveland after spending a few lonely, drunken years in Cincinnati, he had a demo tape full of songs and no one to play with him. Enter a list of Cleveland music scene celebrities. Braxton Taylor of Samfox was his original guitarist. The Moxies bassist Tyler Adams hopped in alongside Ryan Fletterick of Oregon Space Trail Of Doom originally on drums. This lineup got Robbie and company was soon cemented in Cleveland’s lore of bands to watch. When a band has so many insanely talented members, they’ll often break off into their own projects. For the greater good of Cleveland music and unfortunately for Robbie, this happened. Robbie is not taking no for an answer on this project, however. The family tree filled out quickly. The recent and final lineup of Leaf Borbie and The Family Tree not only tears up a stage while cloaked and covered in makeup, they can also have a good time sitting around a table in a taco joint.

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The music is given its “dark carnival” vibe mostly by Nathaniel Hunt’s haunting organ tones. The whole experience is brought together by Robbie’s guttural swooning. Now that Leaf Borbie and The Family Tree have tasted blood, the band is ready to unleash new music at neck-breaking speed.

“I don’t know the right way to do shit, I just want to release everything,” Robbie says. “I don’t think too much content is a bad thing.” Robbie admits it’s hard for him to sit on material, like the band has with the debut album. The album was recorded in January at Akron Recording Studio. The band independently raised money to get the songs remastered for vinyl and then finally pressed, a point of pride for the group. Now the fundraising is focused on buying a van and heading straight south to the city the band sounds like they are from: New Orleans. Not bad for a one-time lonely drunk kid in a dimly lit apartment.

You can see Leaf Borbie and The Family Tree at 6:30 p.m. during PressureFest Saturday, Aug. 10. Nothing Matters in a Dream is available on all streaming services.

Pressure Picks Upcoming Events to See.

Bouncing Souls Aug. 13 // Grog Shop

The Raconteurs Aug. 15 // Agora Theatre

Boyz II Men Aug. 18 // MGM Northfield Park

Collin Miller and the Brother Nature Aug. 20 // Mahall’s

King Buu Aug. 30 // CODA

Titus Andronicus Sept. 5 // Now That’s Class

Starting Line Sept. 13 // Agora Theatre

Pelican Sept. 15 // Grog Shop

Rancid Sept. 19 // Agora Theatre

King Crimson Sept. 25 // MGM Northfield Park

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J-Work In Progress The hustle of a Cleveland born artist. Stuart M. Philipps Photography // Moey Jedz

here are a plethora of Cleveland musical artists throughout the city covering a far range of genres, but not all can say they are homegrown talent. These artists grew up on sweltering summer nights in red brick homes with Indians on the television or have frozen orange and brown limbs off down by the lake. to be successful in this industry.” He adds, “You gotta have a team too.”

Coming up in these surroundings builds courage and a work ethic far unseen in many corners of the world. This is where we find Jalen “J-Work” Chesney, who works for a non-profit in Greater Cleveland and builds a veritable I-X center of bars in the evenings at a quaint spot just outside the city. J-Work, who first started his musical career at a family reunion at 13 years old, has begun to make his way in the music industry by remaining core to those Cleveland roots. He has made the jump into the musical world with no looking back after almost 10 years down the road.

“If you ain’t the shit to yourself, how can you be seen as the shit to others,” J-Work asks.

"If you ain’t the shit to yourself, how can you be seen as the shit to others?"

One thing that stands out about J-Work, ironically, but perhaps designed, is his work ethic. Notebooks and sound equipment abound in his home just outside Cleveland. Like most of us growing up in Cleveland, it was not a fairytale story and there was struggle throughout his youth.

“I moved so many times [around Cleveland] that I couldn’t count it on my hands and feet by the time I was 20,” J-Work says. This lead to him realize from a young age that he would have to find his own path to success. After demonstrating natural talent in a lyrical dynamic put to backyard beats, J-Work started to hone his craft using Cleveland and his family as his inspiration. On the back of his new album, Influence, he reflects on the competitions he’s won, first tours, and where the future of musical work goes from here based in Cleveland. “The Coast 2 Coast live competition in Cleveland sent me to Miami, that was my first experience with ‘the jump,’” J-Work explains. “None of us were ready for that trip. Just a group of seven packed into my grandmother’s van, ready to make music.” In the world of hip-hop, there are a number of factors to determine success, but according to J-Work, “the people that make it are consistent. You have to really center in, travel, and put yourself out there in order

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While the consistency of a work ethic is critically important to the craft, as he states, he also tells me that the ability to self-promote, believe in yourself, and dream big is almost as important.

As a testament to this, his new album is now available on just about every platform you can imagine, but J-Work warns that the proliferation of the online utility is a bit of a double-edged sword. He mentions how some artists can find success through this online promotion, but you have to be consistent with your brand and skills.

“You have to get your social media presence moving, especially now, because if your social media isn’t moving, you’re not moving,” he says. J-Work is a breath of fresh air in the content of his music. Too often in today’s music scene, catchy, simplistic lyrics or beats pander to the lowest common denominator. However, J-Work and his producer Tre Smith understand that creating a whole song to last past the next Twitter cycle requires depth and variation. As he puts it, “I got a song for everybody.” If you are a Cleveland native, J-Work’s lyrics find a sentimental tone that celebrates the upward trend of the CLE on a national scene. The new album is truly the result of hard work by a product from “The Land.”

Want to check out J-Work for yourself? Follow along with his career on Instagram, Snapchat and Twitter @jworknetwork.

Knuts & Bolts

Colony, a collective of artists making skateboards. Darrick Tahir Rutledge has spent enough time making prints about skateboarding in college that he decided to start printing on the real thing. He made a couple runs of boards and they caught the eye of skaters on campus. Five years and a Joy Division song later, Colony, Knutson's board company, showcases art from different artistic minds and uses the back of a skateboard as a canvas. Colony is thriving around the streets while its momentum hasn’t yet hit a speed wobble.

KYLE KNUTSON

Knutson had to “Frankenstein” the Colony skateboards, all the way down to the nuts and bolts that hold the wheels in place, in order to come up with the best shape for each one that’s pressed and printed. These boards are made to be something you can show off inside, just as much as you want to take them outside and show off while riding around the city. The skate scene in Cleveland is thriving. One of the most popular skateparks in the city is planning to update and expand; it’s only a matter of time until Colony takes over Cleveland skateboarding. Knutson utilized his years working at Tri-Star Skateboards and learning under the original owner. That gave Knutson the chance to use Tri-Star as a platform to grow Colony when it was still in its infancy. Now you can find Colony’s boards at Tri-Star Skateboards in Cleveland and Westside Skates in Lakewood. If you’re a little further away, you can also find them at Old Skool Skate shop in Columbus and One Love Skate shop in Dayton. Contact Skate shop in Memphis, Tennessee and One Up Skate shop in Pittsburgh also carry these pieces. Colony has six local skaters are currently on their sponsored team. They have all been busy filming a video which should be out this fall. Kyle Knutson’s vision is to use his brand as a platform for mostly local printmakers, photographers, painters, and other creatives by giving them an audience far outside that realm. It’s a perfect pairing that hasn’t been done before – he isn’t just creating a community through art and skateboarding. He’s creating a colony.

To see more of Colony's work, check out ColonyOhio.com

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(Will You)

MARY ME CLE-che dates ideas. Mary Santora @marysantoracomedy

Ahhh,

summertime in Cleveland. Is there anything better than the warm breeze coming off Lake Erie paired with the 47 days a year that we’re lucky enough to experience sunlight?

Edgewater Live:

Every Thursday night through August, the Cleveland Metroparks line up food trucks, beer stands, and live music at Edgewater Beach. Sunset on the beach, cold local brews, and a cover band blaring “Don’t Stop Believing” – I don't mean to get all Chandler Bing on you, but could it be any more romantic?

Brand new to the relationship? Perfect! You'll get to see what type of person your date is when he or she has to wait 25 minutes for a Summer is the perfect season to casually get to know someone while sipbeer. Quick tip – if you get all the way to the front of the line and hear ping bloody marys on a West 25th Street patio as you secretly judge your your date say “Oh, I haven't even looked, what do date’s choice of brunch spot. We love ourselves some you recommend” to the sweaty, aggravated, and outdoor dating activities, so I’ve broken down two of most likely hungover bartender, run. No need for the best cliche local summer date spots. “CLE-che” a second date with someone who can't be bothdates if you will. See what I did there? I'm an artist Take a deep ered to make a quick decision and not hold up and I paint with words. Okay, here we go. the line any further. Conversely, put a ring on it breath. Remember, “We are underway here at if your date walks away double fisting grapefruit you're doing this the corner of Carnegie and Whiteclaws. That person is a health conscious so that other guys Ontario!” Oh Tom Hamilton, how your sultry, planner with great taste. can tell her how dulcet tones resonate with the perfection that is a Cleveland summer. I highly recommend taking Been together eight years? Awesome! Make sure hot she is on the a date to a Tribe game, but it can be a little tricky. to mistime the Uber so that you get stuck in traffic internet. Go for The District standing room only tickets and by the time you get there, the only food truck on this one. For only $15, you get admission and that hasn't sold out is vegan. Now that you have a free domestic beer. an empty stomach, drink six IPAs with your significant other and bring up some shit from eight Three-plus hours with someone you don't know well and the slow months ago. It’s your job to make this event as awkward as possible pace of America’s Pastime could work out either great or absolutely for everyone around you. terrible. Your date may appreciate your ability to plan a great time without breaking the bank and, by the top of the fourth, you’re Veteran couples who stopped counting? Let's be honest, you're not sharing helmet nachos. If you find yourself with some monster who going out – especially on a Thursday. Just mull around the idea while doesn't know the words to “Take Me Out To The Ballgame” or cheers shouting at each other from different rooms before you ultimately for Mustard during the hot dog race, you're only out $30. spend what's left of that Olive Garden gift card on take out. Besides, you're four episodes behind on America’s Got Talent and need to know If your date shows up in white cutoff jean shorts, red bodysuit with what happens with the kazoo band that dresses like princesses. a flannel tied around her waist, and shoes that clearly aren't meant for walking all day, you better have some hashtags in mind. You're Whether it's an afternoon at the ballpark or a romantic night at about to spend half an hour taking pictures of her on that infamous the beach, Cleveland is full of great summer date options that are block C. Take a deep breath. Remember, you're doing this so that sure to help you decide if spending the winter with that Hinge other guys can tell her how hot she is on the internet. match is worth it.

Indians Game:

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Getting 20-Somethings to Stay in Cleveland Haley Mills to Cleveland from Orlando, it seemed like I was moving back to another country according to my friends. They had never been to Cleveland and couldn’t imagine why I’d want to move back. Four years later, it’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

WHEN I MOVED HOME

Cleveland is the perfect home for 20-somethings, and we should all be on a mission to convince them to stay. With a lower cost of living, plenty of housing options, and a wide variety of entertainment, Cleveland gives you something to explore no matter your preferences. So, why are 20-somethings not flocking to the area? Cleveland (and Clevelanders alike) needs to do a better job of promoting the city to 20-somethings, and not to families looking to pass through for a weekend. If the city spent more time marketing our cities’ bars, music, and nightlife instead of the need to fill our convention center, we’d be better off in the long run. New 20-somethings in Cleveland means more new ideas, which also means more people to help keep our favorite local spots open and thriving. Many of the best new spots in Cleveland are the result of young professionals hustling to keep their entrepreneurial dreams alive while working full-time jobs. Most cities don’t give you the time or the low barrier to entry to make these dreams come true. Cleveland is a great spot to open a business, and we’re all for new businesses opening in our neighborhoods. If we continue to talk about how much we love Cleveland, it's bound to catch on. Next time you’re chatting with friends, remind them how cool Cleveland is, and maybe just one of them will come to join us.

If you need help sharing how cool Cleveland is, check out @TheCLEBucketList on Instagram or visit TheClevelandBucketList.com.

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tion, Morgan, while not a professional rescue worker, put on a mask himself and entered the tunnel, accompanied by his brother, Frank, and two others.

Masked and

Anonymous

Morgan and his brother each emerged with a victim of the blast on their backs, with the other two rescuers in tow. This persuaded the skeptical rescue workers to don masks and enter the tunnel themselves. An account by the NAACP points out “Mr. Morgan was the only man who could be found who had the required nerve to lead the third rescue party.” Morgan, disregarding his personal safety, entered the tunnel three more times before getting too sick to continue.

The black rescue hero and inventor snubbed by white Cleveland. Kevin Naughton

quick scan of an American history textbook would have you think that the white population produced the only movers and shakers of the nation. White politicians, aristocrats, and military figures receive whole chapters, while influential people of color are lucky to get a footnote.

Six men were brought out, only two survived, highlighting the danger faced by Morgan and the rescue party members. It was

One such overlooked individual was Garrett A. Morgan, a black man who invented the electric traffic signal, the gas mask, and a seemingly endless list of other patents. His entrepreneurial activism changed the sociopolitical landscape of Cleveland, yet his accomplishments have largely gone unacknowledged Morgan, while not in the general narrative of our city’s history, a professional often deliberately.

rescue worker, put on a mask himself and entered the tunnel barefoot.

An accomplished inventor by his late teens, Morgan developed his prototype gas mask for fire departments and other workplaces that risked exposure to dangerous fumes. While marketing his “smoke hood” in the south, whites would not accept a black inventor; Morgan had to endure the indignity of hiring a white actor to play the device’s inventor instead of taking credit himself. Instead, Morgan would don Native American garb as a sales gimmick and demonstrate the mask’s effectiveness by entering a teepee filled with smoke.

An incident that would come to define Morgan’s life took place on the night of July 24, 1916, when a major explosion occurred in a water works tunnel, trapping workers underground in a cloud of deadly fumes and smoke. Three rescue parties entered the tunnel and did not return. As the situation grew desperate, Morgan was called at 3 a.m. to bring his prototype gas mask in an attempt to retrieve any survivors. He rushed to the scene barefoot in his pajamas. “I called for volunteers to go with me in the tunnel,” Morgan later wrote of the incident. “No one would go.” Recognizing their inac-

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a daring rescue effort, afterwards the city publicly celebrated the heroics of all the rescuers. Except Morgan. His white counterparts, men whom Morgan courageously led, were awarded medals by the Carnegie Hero Fund Commission and financial compensation for their efforts. Morgan was not recognized in newspapers and efforts to recognize him were unheeded or blocked. “The newspapers would not print anything I did,” Morgan later wrote. “[Cleveland] Mayor [Harry] Davis has the rest of the men testify in Court, but would not let me get on the stand.” He concluded, “His reason for this I cannot tell, unless it was because I am a negro [underlined].” A letter from the CHFC flatly stated, “While the act performed by Mr. Morgan is commendable, from the facts at hand it does not appear that it was attended by any extraordinary risk to his own life; and for this reason his case, I regret to say, does not come within When I shut the scope of the fund.”

my eyes, I can still see the men curled up in that death chamber.

Much to the contrary, Morgan’s health was impacted by the rescue effort for years, as the concentration of fumes in the tunnel was beyond the capabilities of his gas mask.

“Since that time, Mr. Morgan’s physical condition has constantly grown worse,” wrote a doctor treating him a decade after the rescue. “So much so until in recent years his physical condition has become quite alarming.” Morgan petitioned for compensation on the grounds of injury while performing a public service, only to have his claims of injury denied. In a letter protesting his snubbing to Davis, who personally eyewitnessed his heroics, Morgan wrote, “The treatment accorded me… is such as to make me and the members of my race feel that you will not give a colored man a square deal.” Mayor Davis personally blocked hearings about his heroics. In spite of his unfair treatment by Cleveland’s government, Morgan was heavily involved in local politics, emerging as a civic leader for Cleveland’s underrepresented black community. He went on inventing products and devices until old age. The trauma of the rescue stuck with him throughout his life, later recalling the event, “When I shut my eyes, I can still see the men curled up in that death chamber.” In 1962, a year before his death, the Division of Recreation of Cleveland made a donation to the Negro History Committee in his honor. It would be the only time the city of Cleveland formally recognized his heroics during his lifetime.

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What We Ate

The group's menu item ratings

Ohio Pie Co.

Pepperoni + Cheese: 4.5 Vegan Sausage + Cheese: 4 Basic B: (white sauce, seven-cheese blend, spinach) 4

Dine with the PressureLife Team.

JIM:

Photography // Lee Sechrist

ate onions? Put ketchup on your ketchup? We all have unique likes and dislikes, but you don’t always know if a reviewer’s tastes align with your own. Instead of reading a review from one source, take it from four members of our team, along with a list of our personal preferences. Even though we are woefully under-qualified to review a restaurant, at least one of us will likely share some of your distinct tastes. For this issue, the PressureLife crew visited Ohio Pie Co., a takeout pizza shop with limited seating located at 1315 1/2 Pearl Road in Brunswick. Ohio Pie Co. opened its doors earlier this year to dish out what Owner and Founder Nick Robson calls “The Original Ohio-Style Pizza” – round pies cut into squares and made with a signature five-cheese blend, house-made garlic oil, and a sweet sauce. Find out if our team thought Ohio Pie Co. was a slice of heaven or pizza purgatory.

Where CLE Eats Xinji’s Shuxin Liu talks Seoul Garden in Parma. Who’s going to eat? Shuxin Liu, chef and owner of Xinji Noodle Bar at 4211 Lorain Ave in Ohio City and master of ramen, Korean fried chicken, and other delightful dishes.

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Fried Pickle Pie: (white sauce, cheese, chips, fried pickles) 3.5

Where does he suggest? Seoul Garden, located at 5270 Pearl Road in Parma right next to Axelrod Buick GMC. Why does he go there? “ I’ve been going at least eight or nine years,” Liu says. “I’d say it’s a good hidden gem here in Cleveland, not a lot of people know about it. Kalbi, marinated short rib, is a particular favorite thanks to Seoul Garden’s traditional preparation. The banchan, extra side dishes that

When you have a pepperoni pie craving, this is your stop. The hype around Ohio Pie Co. is real. I will say I talked with okPANTS prior to our visit and he gave recommendations so there was a preset thought process which we normally don't do. The crust was crispy, garlicky, and delicious. All you need is a pepperoni pie and you'll be happy. Just the right amount of grease. The vegan sausage and cheese pie was a close second for me. The white pie and dill pickle pie were good, but a bit rich for my taste. When I'm in the Brunswick area, I'll definitely go back. Rating: 4/5

ALEX:

Pizza comes in many forms, most of them at least somewhat tasty. Ohio Pie Co.’s preferred style is by no means subtle. Instead, it’s a blast of flavor in a greasy, square-cut package — and that’s more than okay with me. The pepperoni pizza is an ideal gameday pie, packing plenty of pep in each piece. Sure, the grease from the pepperoni cups and garlic oil don’t make it the most proper pie, but

come with dinner, are another big reason why he loves going to Seoul Garden. “I usually don’t like going out by myself because you only get one thing,” Liu explains. “With Korean food, I get a lot of side dishes with my entree.” Of course, Seoul Garden’s banchan is stand out as special, especially the tteokbokki, Korean rice cakes served with vegetables a

gochujang-based sauce. Liu says most places use store bought tteokbokki, but Seoul Garden makes theirs in house. Another advantage of Seoul Garden’s food is that dinner isn’t too heavy. “Most Korean dishes are pretty simple,” he says. “I enjoy their food a little more because after I’m done, I’m full – but I don’t feel like I need to go to bed. Most of the dishes are lighter, so it’s good to eat at any given time."

they’re both delicious. Also, that’s why you invest in heavy-duty paper towels. The vegan sausage and cheese pizza was also quite good — even a meat lover like me could appreciate that pie. My only quibble was that I wish red pies had a better sauce dispersal, as some of the outer slices seemed dry in comparison to the middle. Still, that’s why you make a mad dash for the pizza box during game day. Rating: 4/5

HANNAH:

Way down this little road called I-71 we bumped into a town called Brunswick, and there we found wild, home-grown “Ohio” pies. I’ve been following the Ohio Pie Co.’s hype for months now and was excited to finally give it a try. The thought of driving 35-plus minutes for a pizza seems like a complete waste of resources, however, this pie is well worth the effort. The pepperoni pie was by far my favorite. The garlic oil and mini, crispy pepperoni cups are out of this world. The vegan sausage pizza was a nice surprise, a little on the sweet side. While the pickle pizza and the white pizza were also good, that pepperoni pie would be the reason I venture back to a location that looks like a natural spot for a BMV. Rating: 4/5

KEVIN:

I didn’t actually have this pizza in house, so take this review with a grain of Himalayan rock salt. That being said, isn’t there some relevance in reviewing a pizza that’s been sitting in a box for a bit? The good news is that it held up. The slices were creative, and they respected the classic pepperoni by not messing with it too much. I liked the pickle pizza because it seemed like something a 4-year-old came up with and they just ran with it. The pepperoni pizza was a bit greasy for my taste but that by no means stopped me from having a second slice. All in all, solid pizza with some added creative fun. Rating: 4/5

Ohio Pie Co. 1315 1/2 Pearl Road, Brunswick, OH 44212 ohiopieco.com

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BEYOND VANILLA: A CLOSER LOOK INTO CLEVELAND’S BDSM SCENE.

Tesh Ekman Photography // Casey Rearick

•

The

surroundings on the walk through the well-kempt, fenced-in backyard into a nicely decorated house on Cleveland’s West Side seem innocuous enough. That is, until two shirtless men referred to as “Wolfboy” and “Stickman” appear in the kitchen, as they perform household chores at the behest of two women. These women are Mistress Tessla, age 39, and Mistress Ava, age 61, who offer BDSM services for $200 an hour on average as professional

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Dominatrixes, also known as Dommes. Located in the basement of the house is Dungeon216, one of an estimated five professional dungeons operating in the area. Once downstairs, it’s hard not to notice the whips hung on the wall and the wooden pillory with chain restraints. Further investigation reveals a cage in the corner and an adjustable metal spreader bar used to bind and keep wrists or ankles apart. These are just a few of the various implements used on clients, who are referred to as submissives, or subs.

DOMINANT Noun;

/d o m i n ə n t /

The person who has the power, authority, or control over a submissive partner. Female Dominants are sometimes called Dominatrixes, Dommes, or Mistresses while Male Dominants are often called Doms or Masters.

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SLAVE Noun;

/s l ā v/

A submissive who willingly gives up a larger degree of their power and control and is considered “owned” by their Dominant. These subs are told what they are allowed to do and when, such as what and when they can eat.

BDSM stands for Bondage and Discipline (B&D), Dominance and Submission (D&S), Sadism and Masochism (S&M). While the term BDSM might evoke thoughts of whips, chains, and pain – which can definitely be involved – it also encompasses a variety of other kinks and fetishes.

I DON’T THINK YOU SHOULD HAVE HATE IN YOUR HEART WHEN YOU DO WHAT WE DO.

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Among those are puppy or pet play, where subs pretend they’re dogs or other animals and want to be treated as such. Others are adult-babies who dress, have their soiled diapers changed, and are bathed like an infant would. Subs like Wolfboy and Stickman serve by doing household chores and other errands for their Dommes. The range of kinks is much wider than what 50 Shades of Grey might lead one to believe. There are some misconceptions about what Mistress Tessla and Mistress Ava do as professional Dommes. They’re quick to point out that while they might be in the sex industry, they don’t have sex with clients. Nor are they man-haters, as is commonly thought given the pain they often inflict on their mostly male clientele. “I don’t think you should have hate in your heart when you do what we do,” states Mistress Tessla, whose real name is Brandy Lynn Wiles.

To find potential clients for appointments, professional Dommes rely heavily on their online presence. They used to place ads on the “personals” sections of websites like Backpage until those were banned due to concerns about prostitution and human trafficking. Even attempts to get more creative with ads were met with stern resistance by moderators. “I put an ad on Craigslist after Backpage was shut down...I put it under tutorials or something to teach married couples how to play safe,” explains Mistress Ava, who preferred not to use her real name. “They yanked me so fast and said, ‘don’t ever come back.’” Safety and consent for both the subs and Dommes are of paramount importance in any kind of BDSM activity. Mistress Ava’s website requires subs to fill out an application. This process allows her to complete a background check to

I’VE NEVER HAD A SUB THAT COMES IN LOOKING LIKE SOMEONE LOOKING FOR A DOMME. uncover any violent offenses. If someone refuses to give personal information, an extra fee is charged to have security present during the session until trust is established. “We know enough big biker dudes who will just stand by the door (during a session),” Wiles says. The application asks questions about the sub’s medical conditions to ensure safe play. It also includes a section for subs to convey their hard limits – what they absolutely won’t do or lines they won’t cross – as well as identify their personal fetishes, desires, and needs for the session. Hard limits for the Dommes are also listed on the website, making it clear what is and isn’t offered. When it comes to those who seek out the Dommes’ services, the type of person that walks through their door varies. There isn’t any set standard, look, or demographic.

“I’ve had business suits to construction workers to bikers, judges, chefs, accountants, dental hygienists, taxidermists,” Wiles states. “I’ve never had a sub that comes in looking like someone looking for a Domme.” Outside of professional Dommes is a larger local community for those who view BDSM as a lifestyle. Organizations such as The Academy of Fetish Arts and Ohio S.M.A.R.T. (Sadomasochist Alliance in Real Time) are BDSM social clubs that offer paid memberships. Area kinksters and fetishists can sign up to use private dungeon facilities, take classes, attend parties, explore, and mingle without judgement among likeminded individuals. Ohio S.M.A.R.T. also holds events called “munches” and “sloshes” where members meet up at local bars or restaurants to socialize in a public setting. Fetish Playland is a series of local events held at various locations throughout the year. One such affair

is the Organ Grinder’s Ball, an annual fetish fashion and stage show last held this past April at House of Blues. Wiles and Mistress Ava recognize and appreciate the community that exists and consider themselves as part of it. Despite what seem like common interests, some in the BDSM lifestyle community look down on professional Dommes because they get paid for what they do. “They don’t think we’re real because we get money for it,” Mistress Ava explains. One local sub, a 63-year-old-man who didn’t want to be named, prefers to pay for private sessions

VANILLA Noun;

/v ə ' n i l ə /

People who aren’t involved with BDSM, kink, or fetishism and have conventional sex and relationships.

Another man, a 52-year-old married crossdresser who goes by the name Lynne, also eschews the community or lifestyle aspect and prefers to keep things discreet by hiring a professional Domme. Dungeon 216 enables him to roleplay while keeping the other aspects of his personal life separate. “It’s a safe place to be a woman, be treated like one, and told what to do,” Lynne explains. As for the personal lives of the Mistress Ava and Wiles, they’re both honest with their friends and family about what they do – but that’s not to say it doesn’t bring up more questions.

IT’S A SAFE PLACE TO BE A WOMAN, BE TREATED LIKE ONE, AND TOLD WHAT TO DO. every three to four months to fulfill his needs as opposed to being active in the local lifestyle community. He enjoys being dominated by strong women through pain, humiliation, and torture, receiving 200 lashes with a whip in his last session. “Some people see the BDSM lifestyle as a full time thing, but that’s not me,” he iterates. “I don’t go to parties or anything. Just go on occasion to see a Domme.”

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“I recently just told my sister,” Mistress Ava says. “We were sitting at a bar and she’s the only one who doesn’t know. Her husband knows – he does work around the house. She asked are you a lesbian? Do you want to be a man?...We have a lot of LBGTQ friends and I can see how she would assume.”

HARD + SOFT LIMITS Noun;

/härd 'limits/ /s ô f t ' l i m i t s /

Hard Limits are acts that the individual in question absolutely, totally will not perform under any circumstances. Crossing a hard limit is typically immediate grounds for a session ending. A soft limit is something that a person is unsure about or causes them discomfort but which they might still give informed consent given the right circumstances.

Wiles is also honest about what she does for a living with her 19-yearold daughter. “She’s seen the dungeon,” Wiles says. “She sees the stuff in my wardrobe. I wonder what she thinks when I go out, pack my bag. She knew I had modeled and had modeled for bands and done the fetish balls and things like that. She said ‘I figured, you’re tired by 10 o’clock so I know you’re not a stripper.’” In addition to being a Domme, Mistress Ava also works a full-time job

as a property manager and does catering on the side. She enjoys the workload and always being on the move. On the other hand, Wiles works full-time as a Dominatrix and admits she sometimes finds it difficult to wind down after a long day. Her go to for relaxation is watching cartoons in PJ’s with her kids while eating a big bowl of ice cream. As for what flavor of ice cream she prefers, ironically it’s just plain, old vanilla.

To learn about the local BDSM lifestyle community, visit ohiosmart.org, cle-afa.com, and fetishplayland.com.

To find out more about Dungeon216, visit mistressava666.com

Undercovered The east side of Cleveland’s ongoing coverage problem. Mandi Leigh

take things for granted in Cleveland. One day, we’ll check out West Side Market, avoid those traffic cam tickets, and won’t get our hopes up about sports. Then there’s police violence and East Side shootings too. Some things never change... but is that the whole truth? Searches for phrases like “East Side Cleveland news” and “West Side Cleveland news” produce starkly contrasting results. While the West Side enjoys a variety of coverage, “East Side” articles predominantly feature shootings and other violent imagery. Cleveland looks like a war zone between west and east, police and community. Important parts of the story are missing.

Arrest Dodd One of PressureLife’s own discovers his family’s secret rum diaries. Adam Dodd

I NEVER

thought about my grandfather as a young man, as someone my age. We all just knew him as “Papa.” He had one of those garage workshops that you could dig through for days and still not reach bottom. Years after he passed away, my father and grandmother came across a small locked safe in the corner of the garage. Age and thin plating made short work of the safe’s defenses to reveal a brown leather wallet inside.

I’ll never get to know for sure, but something tells me the wallet’s contents were reminders of what he left behind. The world

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“[The media] does an injustice in shaping the perspective of who the enemies are and who the friends are,” Councilman Basheer Jones of Ward 7 says. “It creates this disruption of black and white when in reality that’s not the case. That perspective impacts policy, it impacts policing, it impacts which resources come into a community and which don’t.”

of “Papa” and “Grannie” I would come to know my grandparents through had no room for the scandals that were hidden within. Folded into its billfold were three old newspaper clippings, brittle and yellow with age. The ink was legible, but had lost its clarity. “THREE MEN HELD IN JAIL ON RUM CHARGES” it read. Among the trio were a William and Harold Dodd, my great grandfather and great uncle, respectively. They were picked up in Washington, Pennsylvania after having crossed state lines from West Virginia with “a large quantity of liquor.” The Brothers Dodd were Appalachian rum runners. At the time of the “RUM” write-up, they were in their early 20s. Fast forward the plot 23 years to the next headline: “ARREST DODD, LOCATE STILL”.

ARREST DODD continues on page 24

Research agrees. A study published in The Journal of Communication in February 2006 showed that between June and November of 1993 coverage of crime rose by 400 percent on major news networks and local news stations followed suit. Another 2006 study published in the William and Mary Law Review reviewed the effect that increase of crime coverage had on public perception and punitive policies. Despite a steady decline in violent crime in the ‘90s, the public demanded more “tough on crime” policies. The result was the federally enforced Violent Crime and Law Enforcement Act and individual No community states instituting their own harsh punifeels like their tive policies throughout the decade.

pain is being heard and as a result you’re going to continue to have trauma.

Though tragic, the 2010s cases of Timothy Russell and Melissa Williams, Tamir Rice, and John Crawford in Ohio brought some hope as they forced society to challenge its preconceived ideas of “good guys” and “bad guys.”

Despite this examination, both national and local coverage of marginalized communities has not changed. Instead, the circle of superficially negative coverage now includes the police. Ongoing reports of The Women of Imperial Avenue, the 11 victims of serial killer Anthony Sowell, include details of drug addiction and prostitution in their backgrounds. Several articles make sure to mention Sowell knew it was unlikely these vulnerable women would be reported missing, but they fail to examine what factors lead to that kind of vulnerability. Currently, convicted killer Michael Madison’s nephew, Jaylen Latrell Plummer, is undergoing investigation for assault and the murder of his grandmother. While this is an opportunity to discuss intergenerational violence and inherited trauma; most reports only remind us of the grisly details of Madison’s case. Most troubling is the deletion of any leadership or activism within the East Side community itself. Protests and vigils rarely get coverage. When they do, names of leaders are left out, calls to action go unlisted, and

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poignant details go unmentioned. It seems to continue a narration of victimization and a lack of agency for the people, leaving them voiceless and open to influence from outside. When it comes to the East Side, the narration is one of continued conflict and tragedy without hope. This narration is wrong according to Gwen, an East Sider who requested to have her last name omitted. “There’s neighborhood meetings happening here too,” she says. “There’s public transportation happening here too! There’s farmers markets happening here too! There’s

kids outside playing more. My postman knows me and we’ve lived [in this house] for two weeks!” This lack of holistic coverage of what happens in the East Side creates serious problems, especially when it comes to police reform. “The media should do a better job in talking about the cops who are doing a great job, showing those stories as well – I think that plays a part in anxiety,” Councilman Jones says. “People have to see there are consequences for actions regardless of what type of position that you’re in. That if I’m harmed or hurt that people hear my pain. That’s the problem. No community feels like their pain is being heard and as a result you’re going to continue to have trauma.” However, some believe it needs to go deeper than simply go after good cop/bad cop coverage.

ARREST DODD continued from page 22 William’s coverage went from news brief to feature headline in the intervening years. The clipping detailed the “federal and county officers” that raided the home of “William Dodd, 45” in the West Virginia town of Adamston – a town that doesn’t exist any longer. At the raid, the fuzz confiscated a 50-gallon still and 65 gallons of homemade hooch that was aging in five-gallon kegs. My great grandfather appeared to have found what he liked doing for a living, god bless him for that.

My great grandfather appeared to have found what he liked doing for a living, god bless him for that.

What happened in the 23 years in between is largely unknown, save for one night, captured in the final clipping: “Honored at Dinner at Wm. Dodd Home.” The guest of honor for the “victory dinner” was Sheriff Harry Morrison. The county district attorney served as toastmaster. The brothers toasted the sheriff and DA that night, probably with illicit spirits distilled from the very grounds. Locals with names out of radio plays like “Reverend Dominic Desist,” “Mabel Westfall,” and “Speed Reynolds” were in attendance. Considering the siblings’ enterprises, the publicized event was either a wildly brazen stunt or, much more likely, just part of doing business. Their continued ability to maintain operations over 20 years despite publicized arrests and growing notoriety may have been tied to questionable local connections, evidenced by the lavish dinners held for city officials on the brothers’ dime. Then the bottom fell out. We can only speculate on who fell out of favor with whom, but it wasn’t long “ARREST DODD” was the headline for the day.

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That’s where the deep dive ended. Three brittle still frames to a past none of us knew existed. It’s one whose full picture still eludes us. I tried to dig deeper, but the name of the paper and the dates of articles were not saved on the clippings. The papers that circulated throughout the area folded long ago. That these were the three sole articles my grandfather held on to is not without import. They comprised a silent legacy that he locked away from the rest of the family. Their truth was his to take to the grave.

No one, not even my grandmother was ever brought into this inner-circle. My grandfather kept the stories of William and Harold Dodd apart from the family he would forge after leaving those West Virginia mining hills for Ohio. He cast off the weight of his father’s legacy, hoping to bring a conclusion to the cycle of danger and corruption he was exposed to as a young child. His entire life as a husband, father, grandfather, and in the end, great grandfather was in service to protecting all of us from our lesser selves.

With this all discovered this after my grandfather’s death, the only regret our family has is not having had the chance to thank him for leaving the past behind to give us all a better future. The Dollar Store picture frame hangs in the basement of my father’s home, next to the fishing reels on the wall. Behind the glass, the cutout column from sepia-aged newsprint is missable. It appears no more important than any other bric-a-brac you could find on the wall to a cluttered family-friendly restaurant.

600

Number of Complaints

500 400 300 200 100 0

525

559

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501

663

475

294

263

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227

2009

2010

2011

2012

2013

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2015

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Civilian Review Boards 2018 Report.

“[The news media] is going to be upset about the police or conversely say ‘Oh the police did a great job with the murder...’ but they’re not going to look at what is really important in police operations and it’s right out there in the police findings in the consent decree and reform,“ says Dr. Candance McCoy, the director of policy analysis for the New York Police Department from 2016 to 2018. As the public cries out for police accountability, it’s nearly impossible to find any local reports on the new disciplinary matrix for the Cleveland Police Department. Furthermore, there is little to no reporting on public meetings the CPD holds to get community input on policy changes. The more the media chooses to ignore the policy-making the less opportunity the public has to be a part of the process. Detective Jeff Follmer, president of the Cleveland Police Patrolmen's Association, doesn’t see this changing. “You’re never going to be able to stir the media away from making the headline of their story much worse than what it is or more catchy to draw attention and add controversy,” he says. “If a cop does something nice, that’s a story – but if someone makes a mistake, that’s a story for weeks.” “The media has a job to do – to get viewers,” he adds. “That’s just the way things are.” A bleak outlook made bleaker by sensationalized headlines going viral. “You’re going to hear what's only on social media and that’s not journalism… it’s whoever gets the most hits and says the most outrageous things,” McCoy states. “You’re yelling about the police and you’re talking to a Russian troll.” As much as we’d all like to believe we’re informed, we can’t forget that there were those with the best of intentions from decades before that believed they were too as they considered policy and signed bills into law. “Don’t obsess about the individual event – what was the context of the event, what were the whys” Dr. McCoy suggests – a good suggestion for avoiding bad policies with worse consequences.

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New York Residence

CLEVELAND

AREA CODE The career transformation – and many locations – of Terry Urban.

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James Earl Brassfield

ulti-talented artist Terry Urban has had an odd career trajectory. He’s gone from an 18-year-old, full-on wannabe pro skateboarder turned DJ to commissioned New York studio artist. Urban’s story begins with throwing classical education out the window, shunning books and scientific calculators for a skateboard and a plane ticket to California. In 1996, an 18-year-old Urban moved out to Los Angeles in the prime era of skateboarding culture. We’re talking the still illegal, run from the cops, World Industries and Big Brother magazine days. Nerve is not enough to be a pro skater; you need raw talent.

“I was not good enough to be sponsored,” Urban admits. The free stuff from sponsored friends was almost enough to feed his skateboard dreams. The multiple skateboarding tickets from law enforcement forced Urban back home. After some warrants, and eventually paying off all the tickets, he moved back to the mecca of skate – Cleveland. Obviously, being discovered doing kickflips in Ohio is next to impossible. Despite this, Urban says he “ate drank and slept skateboarding,” which led him to the biggest part of skating other than the board itself. “I always paid attention to the music,” Urban says. “I could hear them scratching in the background.” Growing up with a mix of the skate culture and the ‘70s rock his mom piped into his brain, Urban’s next career move was a no brainer. However, becoming a lucrative DJ is not as easy as moving home and printing business cards. Instead Becoming a of stagnating, Urban had a standard 9-to-5 lucrative DJ blue collar job.

is not as easy as moving home and printing business cards.

After years of begging his dad, Urban finally got some “DJ in a box” Guitar Center turntables. He carved out a name for himself in the local DJ market. Between gigs, Urban tagged streetcars, which was the genesis of his aggressive and confrontational artwork. Urban still flies into Cleveland to DJ for “I Got Five On It,” a party at Touch Supper Club with a cultivated feeling of an old school basement rager he started 13 years ago.

He eventually went from a kid with turntables to a bonafide DJ. Urban worked at Z 107.9 and started several shows all over town, but he

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TERRY URBAN continues on page 29 C L E V E L A N D ’ S FAV O R I T E P R I N T E R S I N C E 1 9 9 9

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However, what is the real advantage of replacing a real dog or cat with a robot? None. The answer is none. When people get a companion animal, that animal has evolved over hundreds of thousands of years to learn that (some) humans are pretty cool and when they make friends both parties benefit from the relationship. The wolf gets fed and, in exchange, alerts the cavemen to danger. The cat eats the plague-carrying mice, the pharaoh lets it live in the pyramid and makes a huge cat god sculpture to honor it.

TECH TRENDS The robo-dog revolution.

Dave Skorepa

Let's face it. A robot dog is not going to rescue you from a house fire or sacrifice its life attacking a dangerous intruder, buying you the precious time you need to load your gun and call 911 only to be riddled with guilt the rest of your life for losing both your beloved dog and taking a human life even though you had no choice at the time and now every time you see that spot in the kitchen you start crying, and holy shit, sorry. I have some things I am still working through with my therapist. Deep breaths. More importantly, the robo-pet doesn't really love you. It's programmed to. Even if you were deserving of love (you are not), the robot's love is not real. It has to act that way. It doesn't need you to survive. You need it. The relationship is artificial and one-sided just like your drunk friends from the bar. It is your robot slave. You are a hollow, lonely person who only bought a robot because real dogs The robo-pet are good at judging people and you know they'd just doesn't really expose you for the garbage person you are.

love you. It's programmed to.

have reached the point in the techno-timeline where somewhat realistic robotic pets are a reality. Not like those stupid Tamagotchi keychain turds kids were obsessed with a few years back. Not Furby either.

It's like paying a stranger to pretend to be your friend. You are unlovable and you don't deserve happiness.

“But Dave, I don't want a Robo-dog. Can we talk about the real techno-elephant in the room?” What, sexbots?

I mean realistic looking, covered in fur, barking, purring, snugglingin-your-lap companion robots are here, one brand of which was designed by Jim Henson’s Creature Shop. They're super expensive, but they are here. Just like your iPhone, they will stay expensive, but will get marginally better each year and dumb people will buy them anyway despite better alternatives being available. I just want to go on the record as saying I am against robo-pets. On the surface, I get it. No poop. No expensive vet bills. No stepping in cold vomit at 3 a.m. on your way to the bathroom.

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Maybe next issue.

This article is sponsored by Aztek, a web design, development, and digital marketing agency located in downtown Cleveland.

learn more at aztekweb.com

TERRY URBAN continued from page 27 wanted more. He moved to New York City and released several mashups while there, some to critical and legal acclaim. The feeling of expression was fading from the turntables. The mixtape arena was muddy and unclear at the time, so Urban branched out into a different medium. “There’s a bunch of shit that I’ve done,” Urban says. “Sometimes I hear a song and I think about doing a remix, but I’m over it, dude. When I was producing music, I was doing it with my hands. When I transitioned into painting, I was still expressing myself with my hands.” Urban’s art is aggressive and rooted in a real place. He still spins, but now he spends most of his time walking from the art store to his studio in Bushwick, nestled between Brooklyn and Queens. He’s also working on a Converse shoe with an L.A.-based clothing company called For Those Who Sin. He still can handle a party, but Urban would When I was rather reach people with his artwork producing music these days.

I was doing it with my hands. When I transitioned into painting, I was still expressing myself with my hands.

“The idea that something I painted got into someone's brain and has moved them to buy something I created still blows my mind,” he exclaims.

Urban's art is worth a look. He takes risks and makes statements about love, race, pop culture, and modern art. Urban has built his art empire off the back of a couple of art classes at Cuyahoga Community College. He also quotes Jean-Michel Basquiat when asked about inspiration – “Occasionally, when I get mad at a woman, I'll do some great, awful painting of her.”

we have the power to help ClevelanD stuDents A ShoeS And ClotheS for KidS progrAm

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Still, all this high art can be reached at a 216 phone number. Urban says he’s an AT&T customer for life – “I’m grandfathered in.” Transform your whole station in life, but for the love of God, keep your Cleveland phone number.

To check out more of Terry Urban's work , follow him on Instagram and Twitter @terryurban or online at terryurban.com

When Cleveland’s neediest kids don’t have proper clothes and supplies for school – many of them just don’t go. And by 6th grade, chronic school absence becomes a leading indicator that a child will drop out of high school. Shoes and Clothes for Kids is committed to eliminating the lack of clothes and shoes supplies as a barrier to attendance and helping more kids reach graduation day.

Do something powerful for ClevelanD kiDs at sC4k.org/give

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Lunar Tunes Five of the looniest moon explanations. Dan Bernardi

In the summer of 1969, the star gazers at NASA performed one of the greatest feats of all space-time when they landed two brave humans on the face of the Moon. It's been 50 years and people remain skeptical of this accomplishment.

hether or not you believe in the first moonwalk, you surely believe in the Moon. It's that glowing orb in the sky that shows itself at night and stretches our tides. The planet's brainiest scientists concluded that the Moon is a natural satellite formed by a giant impact four billion years ago. Let's throw the data out of the atmosphere and break down my five favorite answers to a most curious cosmos conundrum: what is the Moon?

Nowadays, belief in aliens is practically a new-age religion. You don't have to be touched by an alien to assume we aren't the only creatures in the universe. However, when the devout alienologists aren't busy Naruto-storming Area 51, they're quick to tell you that the Moon is actually a giant alien space station. Yes, the aliens have cleverly disguised their outpost as a barren, crater-ridden rock that may be a Death Star aimed to destroy the planet at the perfect time. On the other hand, maybe it’s a Life Star, waiting for us to prove our stellar worthiness and join the universal space confederation. Maybe we should shape up, just in case.

EXTRATERRESTRIAL CURRICULUM

Many laugh off the idea of little green men zipping around the galaxies. Instead they subscribe to one singular, omnipotent alien, who is responsible for the creation of all things. This alien is often referred to as 'God' and takes one of many possible forms, based on your particular blend of indoctrinated imagination. Perhaps the Moon and every other spaceball from the Sun to Pluto are just God's play toys. If that's true, then judging by the darkness of space, I'd say God may have lost a few marbles.

MOONS OVER MY DEITY

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The notion that the Moon is cheese may be a silly one, but it dates back to when folklore was basically science. The Moon certainly shares a resemblance with a wheel of cheese, but to the dismay of many U.S. patriots there's no way the Moon is our processed American shit. This theory implies that somewhere there exists a coalition of Universal Dairy Farmers who cultivate massive cheeseballs to float uneaten among the stars and that's just a waste of good gouda.

THE RIGHT STUFFED CRUST

Is the U.S. government using secret technology to project an image of what we think is the Moon onto a giant black curtain in the sky? Perhaps as part of their deal to keep us docile while they harvest our energy through consumerism inside a biomechanical matrix designed to feed a massive terrestrial life form living within our planet for over a millennia? Probably not.

THE ECLIPTICAL PROJECTION MATRIX HYPOTHESIS

Interestingly, the Moon's visible 'near side' is always facing Earth, which is why the fabled dark side is more than a trippy Pink Floyd album. What's happening on the lunar flip side? This question has spawned a very meta hypothesis: when we look at the Moon it’s like looking out from the inside of a TV. It's a screen and we're being peeped on from above, perhaps by aliens or gods, but in this Truman Show-esque theory, we're being watched by a superior human viewership. To them, the Earth is just a bingeable 24-hour network. As a part of the programming, I hope they enjoy the show.

A MOON WITH A VIEW

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