Lifeline Zine by Project Nia

Lifeline Zine

a publication of Survived and Punished NY

A lifeline is a simple anchored support. Its purpose is to help someone survive or stay above water.

This project shares stories and affirmations in the spirit of the lifeline. Thank you to all the contributors - people inside and outside the mass incarceration system who submitted quotes, poems, and visual work that matters to them. Over 130 submissions were received. Each one shared support that someone has relied on during a challenging or distressing time.

For those of us who live at the shoreline standing upon the constant edges of decision crucial and alone for those of us who cannot indulge the passing dreams of choice who love in doorways coming and going in the hours between dawns looking inward and outward at once before and after seeking a now that can breed futures like bread in our children’s mouths so their dreams will not reflect the death of ours;

when we are alone we are afraid love will never return and when we speak we are afraid our words will not be heard nor welcomed but when we are silent we are still afraid So it is better to speak remembering we were never meant to survive. Audre Lorde, ‘Litany for Survival’, The Collected Poems of Audre Lorde

For those of us who were imprinted with fear like a faint line in the center of our foreheads learning to be afraid with our mother’s milk for by this weapon this illusion of some safety to be found the heavy-footed hoped to silence us For all of us this instant and this triumph We were never meant to survive. And when the sun rises we are afraid it might not remain when the sun sets we are afraid it might not rise in the morning when our stomachs are full we are afraid of indigestion when our stomachs are empty we are afraid we may never eat again when we are loved we are afraid love will vanish

Joanne Armour, The Roads (Bedford Hills Correctional Facility)

Although the wind blows terribly here, the moonlight also leaks between the roof planks of this ruined house. Izumi Shikibu, ‘Although the wind ... ,’ The Ink Dark Moon, translated by Jane Hirshfield and Mariko Aratani

I am so tired of waiting. Aren’t you, for the world to become good and beautiful and kind? Let us take a knife and cut the world in two — and see what worms are eating at the rind. Langston Hughes, ‘Tired’, The Collected Poems of Langston Hughes

Closed fist Black eyes Being told I was ugly And should die Stepped on like dirt On the street Told I wasn’t Worth Nothing Accept Being BEAT Scourge like The Child Called It. My Limit broke Now I’m imprisoned Should of left from The first kick In my mind I deserved it Maybe I Said The Wrong Word Cooked the wrong food Questions with No Answers It wasn’t me It Was You I stook up like A statue Now I’m Wrong Locked behind A Wall Can’t even picture home Day by Day I take a Deep Breath I Remember Could of Been Dead at The door step

Now I stand Tall Never to Fall again Shouting to The Roof Top Never Again Never Will I Be Treated Like a Dirty Mop Never Will I Listen to That tune Of Sorry I’ll Never Do it Again I endured enough PUNISHMENT I do thank you though You Gave Me Strength I Never Had Before A Will to Fight Trust & Believe This Woman Will Stand and Fight For What She Believes (it’s my inborn human right) The Gates Will one day open for me (count time) 5:35pm 8/8/19 Breanna Simpson, ‘Grateful to Have Survived’, dedicated to the Lifeline Zine Project. Written by Learrell Campbell for Breanna Simpson (Bedford Hills Correctional Facility)

And, if i know anything at all, it’s that a wall is just a wall and nothing more at all. It can be broken down. i believe in living i believe in birth. i believe in the sweat of love and in the fire of truth. Assata Shakur, Assata: An Autobiography

Last night as I was sleeping, I dreamt—marvelous error!— that I had a beehive here inside my heart. And the golden bees were making white combs and sweet honey from my old failures. Antonio Machado, excerpt from ‘Last Night As I Was Sleeping’, Times Alone: Selected Poems of Antonio Machado

“Some periods of our growth are so confusing that we don’t even recognize that growth is happening. We may feel hostile or angry or weepy and hysterical, or we may feel depressed. It would never occur to us, unless we stumbled on a book or a person who explained to us, that we were in fact in the process of change, of actually becoming larger, spiritually, than we were before. Whenever we grow, we tend to feel it, as a young seed must feel the weight and inertia of the earth as it seeks to break out of its shell on its way to becoming a plant. Often the feeling is anything but pleasant. But what is most unpleasant is the not knowing what is happening. Those long periods when something inside ourselves seems to be waiting, holding its breath, unsure about what the next step should be, eventually become the periods we wait for, for it is in those periods that we realize that we are being prepared for the next phase of our life and that, in all probability, a new level of the personality is about to be revealed.” Alice Walker, Living by the Word

Who shall bear hope, who else but us? After us is the long wind blowing off the ash pit of blasted genes, or after, the remarrying of the earth and the water. We must begin with the stone of mass resistance, and pile stone on stone on stone, begin cranking out whirlwinds of paper, the word that embodies before any body can rise to dance on the wind, and the sword of action that cuts through. We must shine with hope, stained glass windows that shape light into icons, glow like lanterns borne before a procession. Who can bear hope back into the world but us, you, my other flesh, all of us who have seen the face of hope at least once in vision, in dream, in marching, who sang hope into rising like a conjured snake, who found its flower above timberline by a melting glacier. Hope sleeps in our bones like a bear waiting for spring to rise and walk. Marge Piercy, Stone, Paper, Knife

Rachel Wallis, Bear

You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert repenting. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves. Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine. Meanwhile the world goes on. Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain are moving across the landscapes, over the prairies and the deep trees, the mountains and the rivers. Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air, are heading home again. Whoever you are, no matter how lonely, the world offers itself to your imagination, calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting -over and over announcing your place in the family of things Mary Oliver, Wild Geese

Hope is a thing with claws not feathers. Katherine Diane Nolan, excerpt from ‘Mars and Venus’

The weatherman called for a twister She prayed blow it down There’s not enough rain in Oklahoma To wash the sins out of that house There’s not enough wind in Oklahoma To rip the nails out of the past Shatter every window till it’s all blown away Every brick, every board, every slamming door blown away Till there’s nothing left standing, nothing left of yesterday Every tear-soaked whiskey memory blown away (Blown away) Excerpt from “Blown Away” by Carrie Underwood “When I’m feeling my lowest, music helps me out.” Laurie Young (Bedford Hills Correctional Facility)

Jes Scheinpflug (they/them), Present

“Days stretched into months and then years went by. She slowly changed by going deeper, deeper into her Center. Never understanding why the desire to go deeper was there but always knowing there was no other choice than to follow at all cost.” Joyce Rupp, ‘My Journey To Wisdom’, The Star In My Heart

“The days are long but the years are short.” Keeley Schenwar “For her, this is a reminder that even when the days inside jail or prison (or on electronic monitoring or probation or in mandated treatment) seem to stretch on forever, when she looks back she often thinks, “How has all this time passed already?” It’s a reminder to try to live life meaningfully and appreciate time.” Maya Schenwar, recounting a story from Keeley Schenwar

“Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. on a quiet day, I can hear her breathing.” Arundhati Roy, War Talk

My heart is moved by all I cannot save: so much has been destroyed I have to cast my lot with those who age after age, perversely, with no extraordinary power, reconstitute the world. Adrienne Rich, excerpt from ‘Natural Resources’, The Dream of a Common Language: Poems 1974-1977

Transforming power is … Power without dominance Strength without violence Peace without passivity Love without coercion Respect without reason Speech without fear Trust without prejudice Risk without threat of punishment. Transforming power is … Belief in the value of every person and every life Belief in the right of every individual to have a voice Belief in the opportunity for non-violent solutions Transforming power is … Faith in an outside power greater than ourselves Faith in ourselves and our capacity for good. Faith in others and their capacity for good Transforming power is… Commitment to community Commitment to empowering ourselves and other Commitment to allowing our lives to be continuously transformed “I have had this piece since I became incarcerated. I can’t recall where it came from, but I found it on a piece of paper and I have had it since then. I feel it hits home and I hope others feel that way too!” Brenda L. Hartman (Bedford Hills Correctional Facility)

“The flavor of life is love. The salt of life is also love.” Mariama Ba, Si longue une lettre

“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.” Louise Erdrich, The Painted Drum

WHEN YOU SAY “I CAN’T” YOU UNDERMINE YOUR INTELLIGENCE AND OTHERS WILL NOT RESPECT YOU WHEN YOU SAY “I CAN’T” YOU BELITTLE YOURSELF AND OTHERS WILL NOT THINK MUCH OF YOU WHEN YOU SAY “I CAN’T” YOU THROW IN THE TOWEL BEFORE THE FIGHT BEGINS AND PEOPLE WILL NOT WANT TO HELP YOU WHEN YOU SAY “I CAN’T” YOU REJECT IDEAS THAT MAY LEAD YOU DOWN A BETTER PATH WHEN YOU SAY “I CAN’T” YOU PASS UP OPPORTUNITIES FOR GROWTH AND CHANGE. WHEN YOU SAY “I CAN’T” YOU EXTINGUISH YOUR FIRE TO SUCCEED, YOU SUCCUMB TO FEAR AND ACCEPT FAILURE AS YOUR ONLY OPTION WHEN YOU SAY “ I CAN’T” YOU GIVE UP ON YOURSELF SO STOP SAYING “I CAN’T” AND START THINKING “I CAN” I AM WORTH IT I AM CAPABLE OF IT I DESERVE IT Kelly Forbes, ‘I Can’, 11/12/2008 “I wrote this poem years ago when I was at a very low/depressing point. I’ve never shared it before but I would love for you to use it if it will help women who have been abused.” Kelly Forbes (Bedford Hills Correctional Facility)

Jane Ball, Untitled

“Some people forget to remember” “After 4 years or more of being incarcerated, I was having a rough day. I felt as if my support system was very little and I wished I had more. I was feeling that when I do get out of here, even after all the changes I am trying very hard to do, I will not be welcomed by many. Now I was sitting on the bed NYS has provided me to sleep on in my cube alone crying. This day really sucked. One of the women I live with stopped at my cube and asked me what was wrong - because I was upset I vented to her. Now this woman was not someone I usually talk to but she listened and gave me words I will never forget. I actually one day want to get them tattooed on my body. She stated, “Some People Forget To Remember”. I truly feel this little five word sentence helped me get past what I was feeling that day. [It helped me remember] I can really only control myself and care for my own feelings. Sometimes I veer off and forget that.” Jessica Paradiso (Bedford Hills Correctional Facility)

“Fear not, I am with you, be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you and uphold you with my righteous hand of justice” Isaiah 41:10 “ ...with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26 “These versus, and others have kept me going when I am at my lowest point and also in everyday life. Without them I do not think I would have made these 18 years. I hope they may help others also.” Marie Arena (Albion Correctional Facility) 20

“Suffering breaks our hearts, but the heart can break in two different ways. There’s the brittle heart that breaks into shards, shattering the one who suffers as it explodes, and sometimes taking others down when it’s thrown like a grenade at the ostensible source of its pain. Then there’s the supple heart, the one that breaks open, not apart, the one that can grow into greater capacity for the many forms of love. Only the supple heart can hold suffering in a way that opens to new life.” Parker J. Palmer, On the Brink of Everything: Grace, Gravity, and Getting Old

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside, you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing. You must wake up with sorrow. You must speak to it till your voice catches the thread of all sorrows and you see the size of the cloth. Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore, only kindness that ties your shoes and sends you out into the day to gaze at bread, only kindness that raises its head from the crowd of the world to say It is I you have been looking for, and then goes with you everywhere like a shadow or a friend Naomi Shihab Nye, excerpt from ‘Kindness’, Words Under the Words: Selected Poems

I can’t even remember my own name, I who remember so much-football scores, magic tricks, deep love so close to God it was practically religious When you fall asleep in that sort of love You wake up with bruises on your neck. I don’t have drunks, sirs, I have adventures. Every day my body follows me around asking for things. I try to think louder, try to be brilliant, wildly brilliant. We all want the same thing (to walk in sincere wonder, like the first man to hear a parrot speak), but we live on an enormous flatness floating between two oceans. Sometimes you just have to leave whatever’s real to you, you have to clomp through fields and kick the caps off all the toadstools. Sometimes you have to march all the way to Galilee or the literal foot of God himself before you realize you’ve already passed the place where you were supposed to die. I can no longer remember the being afraid, only that it came to an end. Kaveh Akbar, ‘Stop Me If You’ve Heard This One Before’, Calling A Wolf a Wolf

“Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world’s grief. Do justly now, love mercy now, walk humbly now. You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it.” Rami M. Shapiro, Wisdom of the Jewish Sages: A Modern Reading of Pirke Avot

Photo of a cross stitch by Maddie Luebbert. Quote from Mariame Kaba.

(at St. Mary’s) may the tide that is entering even now the lip of our understanding carry you out beyond the face of fear may you kiss the wind then turn from it certain that it will love your back may you open your eyes to water water waving forever and may you in your innocence sail through this to that Lucille Clifton, ‘Blessing the Boats’, Quilting: Poems 1987-1990

Thank you contributors: Amanda Lewis Breanna Simpson (Bedford Hills Correctional Facility) Brenda L. Hartman (Bedford Hills Correctional Facility) David Kaib Deb Howard Imaobong Odong Jamilia Jeanne Theoharis Jes Scheinpflug (they/them) Jessica Paradiso (Bedford Hills Correctional Facility) Joanne Armour (Bedford Hills Correctional Facility) Katie Wallace Keeley Schenwar Kelly Forbes (Bedford Hills Correctional Facility) Kenza Kamal Laurie Young (Bedford Hills Correctional Facility) Lillian Cartwright ML Kejera Maddie Luebbert Mandi Rice Marie Arena (Albion Correctional Facility) Maya Schenwar Melissa Centeno Priya Rai Silvia Inés Gonzalez Stef Bernal-Martinez UyenThi Tran Myhre

Thank you Hana Worku and Jett George for curation and design.

We are grateful and thank the people whose words appear in this zine. We thank those who shared these words with us. This publication is not for profit and is being used as a community-building and community care resource.

If an incarcerated person would like to receive a copy of this publication, reach out to:

Survived and Punished NY P.O. Box 182 New York, NY 10013