Q
Q ueercore CHANNELS MONDOHOMO
inform | inspire
DJ Vicki Powell’s Deep South hosts queer London party crew
HORSE MEAT
Disco + Race, Sex & ‘BBC’ FETISH
The Boundaries of POLYAMOROUS LOVE
February 15, 2018
Co0l Queers IN FAUX FUR
10 Queer Things The Q Queer Agenda Q Shots
The Weekly Print Publication of Project Q Atlanta
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EDITOR’S NOTE Q Q MAGAZINE THE WEEKLY PUBLICATION OF PROJECT Q ATLANTA PUBLISHERS INITIAL MEDIA, LLC MIKE FLEMING PUBLISHER & EDITOR MIKE@QMAGATLANTA.COM MATT HENNIE PUBLISHER & BUSINESS DEVELOPMENT MATT@QMAGATLANTA.COM RICHARD CHERSKOV PUBLISHER & GENERAL MANAGER RICHARD@QMAGATLANTA.COM ADVERTISING SALES RUSS YOUNGBLOOD SENIOR SALES REPRESENTATIVE RUSS@QMAGATLANTA.COM ART DIRECTOR JOHN NAIL JOHN@QMAGATLANTA.COM CONTRIBUTORS LAURA BACCUS BUCK C. COOKE JON DEAN BRAD GIBSON TAMEEKA L. HUNTER SUNNI JOHNSON ERIC PAULK JAMES SHEFFIELD DISCLAMER The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the various authors do not necessarily reflect opinions, beliefs or official policies of Q Magazine or its publisher Initial Media, except where individual publishers’ names specifically appear. Appearance of photos, credits, or names in this publication neither implies or explicitly states the sexual orientation or gender identity of its subject. Q Magazine and the author of each article published on this web site owns his or her own words, except where explicitly credited otherwise. Articles herein may not be freely redistributed unless all of the following conditions are met. 1. The re-distributor is a non-commercial entity. 2. The redistributed article is not be sold for a profit, or included in any media or publication sold for a profit, without the express written consent of the author and this publication. 3. The article runs in full and unabridged. 4. The article runs prominently crediting both the author’s name and “courtesy Q Magazine.”
MEAT BEAT
Manifesto QUEERS OF A CERTAIN AGE AND ILK may remember the band Meat Beat Manifesto from the late ‘80s and early ‘90s. I’ve put them back in rotation this week, because their electronic sound is back in the fore of what’s happening in queer underground again, and because two events we preview in this issue are right in line with what Meat Beat represented to the alternaqueers of yore. And of course because “meat” and “beat” just sound so good together. Well they do! First up, a Queercore showcase of local acts is set for The Earl in this week’s Music piece. Think of it as an extension of Atlanta’s lost and loved MondoHomo festival. Then we turn right around in Events with a brand new set of London queers bringing their own Meat Beat of sorts to Atlanta. DJ Vicki Powell’s Deep South continues its reign of the coolest, most inclusive gigs in town by welcoming Horse Meat Disco to Heretic this weekend, and we have the inside scoop. Speaking of beating your meat, gay men treating each other like so much charcuterie is nothing new, but there’s one conversation about it that only half of us have been having. Q’s frank Conversations feature cuts into the harmful fetishization of black men MIKE FLEMING and their “BBCs.” Two gay male fixtures in LGBTQ EDITOR & PUBLISHER Atlanta, one black and one white, lay open sexual racism – or as you may know it better, just racism – and the damage it does to the integrity of the whole community. Now there’s a manifesto to go with this edition’s meats and beats. As always, there’s lots more as you continue to turn our pages. In the relationships department, The Q advice column tackles three very different queer breakups, and 10 Queer Things reveals the answers Atlanta queers gave for sure signs that a relationship is headed south. Those eye-popping revelations are equaled only in our weekly Q Shots pages and Queer Agenda calendar. And eye-popping doesn’t even begin to describe this week’s photo feature. The trend toward faux and vintage fur takes the spotlight in our Winter Wraps feature with various and decidedly queer ways to rock the looks, no matter which age and ilk of queer you are. Ever ones to give you more, remember that our content is updated every day on our Project Q Atlanta home site. In print every week, and online all the time, Atlanta’s latest LGBTQ coverage is always just a click away at theQatl.com. theQatl.com
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INSIDE THIS ISSUE VOLUME 1 ISSUE 13 FEBRUARY 15, 2018
WINTER WRAPS Queer Faux Show
Photo by Nark
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COVER STORY
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Meat Beat Manifesto
CONVERSATIONS
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Sexual Racism
30 Strike Out
Fetishizing black gay men MUSIC
Queercore
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Earl show channels MondoHomo
34 Hump Day
FEATURES Q Voices
10 Things
10
Q Shots
30
Queer Agenda The Q 4
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36 Southern Revolt
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VOICES Q
Boundaries
& Polyamory
Local counselor’s first in a series on queer relationships between more than two people
MUCH UNHAPPINESS AND CONFUSION HAPPENS IN relationships when people disagree on what each person owes to the other and what control a person has the right to exercise over themselves or someone else. When couples (or throuples, or polycules of any configuration) in my office are in conflict over one thing or another, I often find myself explaining healthy individual boundaries. Shortly into this topic, one of the clients is sure to object and ask, “But in a relationship, aren’t there some things we have a right to expect from the other person?” Yes, there are. But some expectations are healthy and some are unhealthy. The challenge becomes explaining what is healthy and what is not, and why.
If being in a relationship with poor personal boundaries introduces coercion and erodes consent, then allowing ourselves to be in that situation without defending our boundaries, without putting a stop to that coercion, is damaging to the self. Therefore, I believe it is VERY important that we learn what we have a right to, what we are responsible for, what our boundaries are, and how to defend them. I believe healthy boundaries begin with personal rights. This is not an exhaustive list, but rather what seems to me to be important for negotiating healthy relationships. Each person has the right to: • full bodily and sexual autonomy • to be safe from physical, mental and emotional violence or the threat of violence • to have access to adequate food, water, air, and sleep • to the privacy of their thoughts and personal space
• to determine their own interests and values In working to clarify my thoughts on this, and A L E X A N D R A researching available information, I’ve learned • to decide how they want to spend their time T Y LER , LCSW, CCH that there is very little good, clear information out and energy there on what are healthy individual boundaries • to decide with whom they wish to be friends and whom in a relationship and even less available information for poly they love relationships. • to be spoken to respectfully and treated with dignity One of the good sources I have found is Mark Manson’s article • to express themselves, as long as while doing so, they called “The Guide to Strong Boundaries.” speak to others respectfully and treat others with dignity Manson says that good boundaries mean “taking responsibility • to control and to protect their possessions, livelihood, for your actions and emotions while NOT taking responsibility money and assets for the actions and emotions of others.” He also says that good, strong boundaries are essential for a clear personal identity and healthy self esteem. I agree with both of these points.
A good source for poly relationships is Chapter 9 in the book More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory. In this chapter, titled “Boundaries,” the authors state that “poor personal boundaries can be damaging to the self.” They also state that, “If we make others responsible for our own emotions, we introduce coercion into the relationship, and coercion erodes consent.” But what does this really mean?
• to consent (or not consent) to be in a physical space, to interact, to have sex, and to engage in relationships • to withdraw those consents at any time • And, they have a right to the information needed with which to engage in informed consent provided in a timely, clear and honest manner
It is clear that these rights require certain behaviors from other
Continued theQatl.com
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VOICES, Continued people. In order to be in a healthy relationship, we need the other people in our lives to respect our rights. Which means: • They respect our full bodily and sexual autonomy • They do not threaten to or engage in physical, mental and emotional violence toward us • They do not interfere with our access to adequate food, water, air, and sleep • They respect our right to the privacy of our thoughts and personal space • The respect our right to determine our own interests and values • They respect our right to decide how we want to spend our time and energy • They respect our right to decide with whom we wish to be friends and whom we love • They speak to us respectfully and treat us with dignity, even when they are upset • They listen as we express ourselves, as long as while doing so we speak to them with respect and treat they with dignity • They respect our right to control and to protect our possessions, livelihood, money and assets • They respect our right to consent (or not consent) to be in a physical space, to interact, to have sex, and to engage in a relationship • They respect our right to withdraw those consents at any time • And, they provide the information we need with which to engage in informed consent in a timely, clear and honest manner. To quote More Than Two, “The key with boundaries is that you always set them around those things that are yours: your body, your mind, your emotions, your time, [and] intimacy with you.” With personal rights, come responsibilities. First, of course, we have a responsibility to provide the things in the above list to others when we engage in relationships them. This is the heart of ethical interactions and ultimately healthy relationships. But there are other responsibilities, too. • We are responsible for knowing ourselves. Knowing what we want, who we are, what we need, and where we want our lives to go. This includes knowing what is important to us and what we will not, or should not, compromise on in order to engage in a relationship. • We are responsible for developing the emotion regula-
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It is our responsibility to know our rights and identify our boundaries and defend them. tion skills – that allow us to calm ourselves in difficult or upsetting situations so that we can continue to speak in a respectful manner, treat others with dignity, and refrain from violating their personal rights – to be able to hear our partners express themselves, even if the truth is difficult or painful to hear. And, to have the skills to accept their truth, even if it means we will have to give up something we want. • We are responsible for developing the courage to provide honest, timely, clear information when it is relative to their ability to give informed consent, even if we believe or fear our partner will withdraw their informed consent if we do. • And it is our responsibility to know our rights and identify our boundaries and defend them. It is our responsibility whom we allow into our lives, and what behaviors we accept from others, and it is our responsibility to shape our lives by pursuing the things we want and actively rejecting the things we don’t want. This does not absolve controlling people from blame. When people are manipulative or controlling, especially if they are threatening or bullying in their controlling behaviors, they are perpetrating a form of violence, and they are morally and ethically wrong. The concept of personal rights helps clarify the concept of boundaries. In Part 2, I’ll explain what we mean when we say, “You are responsible for your own emotions and actions.” And why, “making someone else responsible for your emotions introduces coercion into a relationship.” Alexandra Tyler is an LGBTQ, poly, kink, sex worker supportive mental health therapist in Atlanta. She specializes in treating trauma/ PTSD, depression, anxiety, self-esteem issues and teaching relationship communication. Twitter @ATylerLCSW, FB @AlexandraTylerLCSW. CCH. CultivatingJoy.net
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10 QUEER THINGS
You feel lonely even when they are there.
They change your name to ‘Felicia’ in their phone.
BOO YOU 10 SIGNS YOUR IS OVER
They’re already gone. Here’s how you can tell.
Friends stop inviting you out as a couple, because they’d prefer to chew glass than be around you together. The mere thought of their arrival makes you want to bolt. 10
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They suggest seeing other people, and oh yeah hey by the way, they already have a head start. They start buying their own drinks without asking if you want one.
Your conversations with the dog are longer than the ones with them.
They stop leaving their stuff at your place.
They stop texting you back.
They’re too busy with work to hang, but not too busy to stop at the bar with friends. theQatl.com
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CONVERSATIONS
Two gay men chat in black and white — about sex, racism, fetishizing ‘BBC,’ and HIV
Forbidden
I
By Mark S. King
FRUIT
n 30 years of HIV work alongside black advocates, I have rarely written on the topic of race. It makes me uncomfortable, or perhaps as a white man, I feel unequipped, unqualified. But it’s that very hesitancy, according to black gay academic Charles Stephens, that only makes racism worse.
Let’s go there. What does ‘sexual racism’ look like to you? For me, there is just racism. There have been a lot of writing about white men who don’t find men of color sexually desirable. I’m more interested in seeing more stories from black men who love and partner with other black men. What does it mean for black men to celebrate black love?
Charles, the founder of the Counter Narrative Project in Atlanta, proved to be the perfect person with whom to chat about race — and sex, and fetishes, and more — when he wasn’t turning the tables on me with uncomfortable questions of his own.
What about the objectification of black men as hot sexual beings? You wrote a really terrific piece for The Advocate about how photographer Robert Mapplethorpe set the bar for objectifying black men with his stark nudes of darkskinned men.
In a very candid chat, we discuss gay men, sex, racism, HIV, and the thrill of the taboo. Here’s our eye-opening conversation:
A lot of white gay men were very upset with me about the piece. They were uncomfortable with me discussing race in the context of sexuality. I suppose having to think about race too much gets in the way of their fetishizing black penises.
Can we talk about gay men, black and white? I also want to discuss what it means for an HIV advocate who is white to be a supportive ally. I have some ignorant questions, probably. So much of how I understand what it means to be anti-racist, if that’s even possible, is not just about mastering the right or wrong things to say. Racism is a chronic condition. It’s something you have to constantly work against. The reward is your humanity.
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men sexually does not make them any less racist.
It’s OK, you can say it. Reducing a black man to “I want your big black cock.” That must get old. Is Robert Mapplethorpe the only photographer you know who focuses on black subjects? Do you know the work of Rotimi Fani-Kayode? Ajamu X? Lyle Ashton Harris?
Ah.
Um, no. But Mapplethorpe is iconic, so that’s my defense.
And Mark, please tell the other white gays that desiring black
If someone only knows about or supports the work of white
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artists, that’s not consistent with ending racism. Mapplethorpe made his career off the pain of black people. I’m Googling these other artists as we speak. Anyway, I think there are some white men that desire black men sexually not because they love individual black men, but because interracial desire is taboo. Or they get off on seeing their white skin next to black skin. I have no interest in policing people’s fantasies, but we must be able to confront the most taboo aspects of our sexuality. We have to accept the diverse, complicated, and even uncomfortable ways our imaginations conjure sexual fantasies. In the HIV community in particular, I hope we become more courageous in having conversations around sex, around power, desire, and race. I hope that we get to that place. You’ve written about a racial hierarchy in our institutions. Like the way that early AIDS is presented as a battlefield populated almost exclusively with white gay men. There seems to be a public empathy that white gay men were able to inspire that black gay men never received. The HIV epidemic has always been a very black epidemic, and the public face early on was not black gay men. Meanwhile, the AIDS Industrial Complex has been built on black pain. The inequitable distribution of resources, and the starving of black organizations, has been absolutely criminal. How can white HIV advocates be better allies to people of color? I would say a few things. Donate to black organizations and
– Charles Stephens black causes. Learn something about black culture (read the poems of Essex Hemphill, the essays of Joseph Beam, films like Tongues Untied). Listen to black gay men. Don’t confuse pity with empathy, and don’t only support black folks because you want to be a white savior or white hero. We have to have real conversations about race. I get that they are uncomfortable. That has to end. I’m embarrassed to say that in all the years of writing and advocacy, I’ve only addressed race a handful of times. You’re not alone. A lot of white gay men have been slow to confront race, but this is hopefully the beginning of more dialogue. Former Atlantan Mark S. King is an award winning writer and HIV advocate. Read his full conversation with Charles Stephens on his blog, My Fabulous Disease, at marksking.com.
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EVENTS
LONDON CALLING
Atlanta DJ Vicki Powell welcomes queer British party crew Horse Meat Disco to Deep South
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By Sunni Johnson ll the way from the UK with a home base at Eagle London and infamy from Manchester to points abroad, Horse Meat Disco is a party and space a collective of colorful gay London DJs creates as a “queer party for everyone.” The result finds packed-out dance floors as they proudly pump the sounds of an era known for queer celebration. When they hit Heretic on Saturday, February 17, under the watchful eye of Vicki Powell’s Deep South gang of hosts, performers and opening acts, expect something wild. Horse Meat Disco’s queer revival vibe make for a most sweaty, celebratory shakedown. When it comes to Horse Meat Disco, it’s all in the name: 1970’s disco forms a backdrop of a quintessential era in Horse Meat Disco which gay bars became less obscured and gay and lesbian communities strengthened, even as of boom-y bass lines to ambient smooth sultriness, they were often under attack. That was and always effortlessly tied together with dance-yourwhen queer culture found a niche in ass-off beats. Her friendly, unpretentious personality is nightlife, made significant segues into reflected in not just her selections but the tone she sets popular culture, and created spaces for from the DJ booth. people to connect to their community, hook up, hang out, and live out loud Community has always been very important for Powand outrageous. Today you’ll find ell, a quality shining from her Deep South family. Her Horse Meat Disco dishing it out with more-the-merrier attitude brings all the queer babes out in zero shame, re-incorporating those hoards from slices of many micro communities from rad fae funky melodies from the polyester to trash queen, drag diva to dyke royalty. limelight of the past. DJ Vicki Powell by Caroline Smith Local DJ Brian Rojas also spins before the main It’s tre fresh, but it’s also more than attraction at Heretic on Saturday. He shares with Q a updating queer dancefloors past for the modern age. With a refreshingly optimistic view on the state of ATL nightlife. universal understanding of mixing the best of disco with bits “I have noticed the queer underground scene in Atlanta is now of techno, soul, hip hop and even jazz, it’s no surprise this more diverse than ever, both in the crowd and on the dance group draws diverse audiences with a wide age range of mufloor. I hope more people are encouraged to make themselves sical interests. They stir the most divine musical smorgasbord more visible and get more involved. into a slick new retro-and-Deep House mashup, and their intuition for blending catchiness and coolness perks up even The future of the queer DJ scene in Atlanta is bright, and I hope the most blasé listener. it continues to rise while we lift each other up and support one another by not only promoting but showing up and being present.” Appropriately for us ATLiens, Horse Meat Disco’s cohesive interpretation of past eras is a perfect compliment to the styling of queer Atlanta’s resident badass, DJ Vicki Powell. As long time innovative curator, her creation of party superteam Deep South already boasts a lineage of bright energy that Powell is known for.
As one of the opening DJs for Horse Meat Disco on Saturday, Powell’s vibe is always versatile, with everything from waves
More Deep South events are planned throughout 2018, including a new series in Old Fourth Ward. Horse Meat Disco goes down on Saturday, February 17 at Heretic, 10 p.m., plus an as-yet-announced afterparty with a bathhouse, sex positive vibe into the morning light. facebook.com/deepsouthATL, hereticatlanta.com, horsemeatdisco-thealbum.com theQatl.com
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MUSIC
A
By Sunni Johnson thens has housed internationally successful cools like REM’s Michael Stipe and The B-52’s, and Atlanta badasses like Jayne County and Bradford Cox have bolstered our state’s queer musical claims, but queer representation in Georgia bands has mostly been sparse over the decades. DIY units, however, have always been our main source of queer sound. The sex-positive punx Pagan Holiday and queercore Team Dresch from the Carolinas made waves in the 90s house show circuit, but it was ATL’s own Mondohomo Fest that truly amped queer rock to larger audiences. Founded in the mid-2000s and organized by Kiki Slaytana, Nikki Queerlife, and the late Ria Pell, the festival’s line-up of queer acts from all over the map was an exciting breath of fresh air for the queer Southeast. Following Mondohomo’s footsteps are current conglomerates like the Sweet Tea variety show, Flakey Niece (a queer-friendly local alternative to Shaky Knees), and the Queer Youth Fest.
Bitter
Latinx community, something to which the group feels personally connected, says Bitter’s frontperson, Maritza Nunez. “These songs may not be politically charged, but to be expressing myself in a society that constantly wants to restrict people of color’s voices, we are taking up space that is typically cis white male,” Nunez says. “It tells people like us, queer people, brown girls, any POC, they can do whatever the hell they want and express themselves through art or any form.”
Now get ready for some Queercore. On Thursday, February 22, this aptly titled music series debuts at the Earl. With a showcase of five ATL-based musical acts, it aims to support the ongoing dialogue about queer participation in local music.
And they’re appropriately named, too. With a sound that seethes in regret and wildness, Bitter’s music is so emotive, one could call them emo-punk. Nunez’s strong, soulful vocals and heartbreaking lyrics are complemented by the surf-y urgency of guitarist Nadav Flax. Both are solidly backed by bassist Haseena Peera and drummer Zo Chapman.
Bitter is one of the strongest ATL indie bands on the scene right now. They’re an ATL four-piece making strides against a hetero cis male dominated industry. Their grungy riot grrrl nostalgia with Cuco at OYE! Fest linked them even closer to the
Also at Queercore, Taylor Alxndr’s soulful songs of estrangement, twisting with past ghosts and present power struggle, stands in juxtaposition of traditional band structure. While also organizing important queer trans people of color events like Atlanta’s
From left: Albums by featured Queercore performers Taylor Alxndr, Haint, Hydrakiss and Bitter 18
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Southern Fried Queer Pride, CLUTCH and Amen, Alxndr is an underground gem amongst ATL’s electronic artists. An electronic fury of beats and synth envelopes her work. Lush layers of sound weave a dance-y melancholy that’s fueled, full and powerful. Solo artist Stone Irvin, aka Haint, is also slated for Queercore with a performance of her avant garde labyrinth of math-rock dream-pop. The newest band on the bill, Blammo, is a threepiece post punk band that steers clear of overt emo inflection all together, noting influences of Delta 5, Kleenex, and other female-fronted discordant art-punk of the early 80s. Nick Wiggin’s projects Hydrakiss and No Tiger opens the event.
He draws from ambient experimental new wave a la Durutti Column and David Byrne, mixing trip-hop with a chill house blend. The concept of queercore music is no longer just for punk acts. It is about identity and DIY ethos, no matter what the genre or vibe. Each with a unique sound, the five acts slated for February 22 have all grown from a DIY standpoint, in spaces that might not necessarily share the same audiences, but that allow each to find ways to create and share their music. ATL is very lucky to have them on the scene. Queercore takes place Thursday, February 22 at The Earl in East Atlanta. badearl.com
Queercore concert channels MondoHomo spirit in a five-act show at The Earl
Taylor Alxndr theQatl.com
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WINTER WRAPS
Faux B SH Cold snaps catch queers working a look in faux and vintage furs
By Mike Fleming
eating back winter can mean self care like getting out and working out, but it can also mean showing out. One of the biggest trends this year is a little, and by that we mean a lot, of fake fur and vintage pieces that put the luxury in your look. When your post-holiday slump finds you craving Vitamin D and bright colors, look no further than Q. We have our eye on these salty queers working amazing pieces to inspire your next cold snap.
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HOW Passionate Plum theQatl.com
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WINTER WRAPS, Continued
Vintage Vibes
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WINTER WRAPS, Continued
Black & White & Red All Over
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WINTER WRAPS, Continued
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Nothing But Fur
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WINTER WRAPS, Continued
Cute Collars
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THE QUEER AGENDA The Best Queer Things To Do in Atlanta This Week
February 15 - February 21
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 15 Let’s Not Talk About Sex
Southern Fried Queer Pride sponsors this talk with Roan Coughtry about why platonic inti-
mate friendships are so important in queer life
@ The Bakery, 6 p.m. thebakeryatlanta.com How & Why to Study the Divine
Just because you aren’t seeking a career in spirituality, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t explore it. Rainbros sponsors the discussion @ Creative Approach, 7 p.m. rainbros.us
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 17 Horse Meat Disco
Vicki Powell’s Deep South brings this London dance party and clothes-
checked queer space to town for the
Q
Writers! Photographers!
first time with myriad hosts, DJs and performances @ Heretic, 10 p.m. Read our preview in this issue.
universe.com/horsemeatdiscoatlanta
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 18 Love on the Rocks
Joining Hearts kicks off its fundraising
year with this cocktail celebration of cou-
ples, singles and non-Valentine valentines
@ Wimbish House, 5 p.m. joininghearts.org
MONDAY, FEBRUARY 19 – WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 21 Spectrum Spotlight Series
Staged readings of new LGBTQ works. A new one each night for three nights @ Out Front Theatre Company, 8 p.m. outfronttheatre.com
Q magazine and Project Q seek to expand our pool of contributors Reporting, commentary, event pics, portraits and photo essays. Help us express Atlanta’s diverse LGBTQ perspectives on a one-time or recurring basis. Samples to mike@qmagatlanta.com
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 20 Rent
The rock musical that brings 90s
cool kids to life returns in it 21st year @ Fox Theatre, 8 p.m. Runs through Feb. 28. foxtheatre.org
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Q SHOTS
MARDI GRAS BOWL WITH HRC ATLANTA
PHOTOS BY RUSS YOUNGBLOOD 30
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NFFLA SUPER BOWL PARTY AT BLAKE’S
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PHOTOS BY RUSS YOUNGBLOOD theQatl.com
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Q SHOTS
WEDNESDAYS WE DRAG AT HERETIC WITH SHANGELA
PHOTOS BY RUSS YOUNGBLOOD
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DIVA BOWL AT TEN ATLANTA
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PHOTOS BY RUSS YOUNGBLOOD theQatl.com
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Q SHOTS
ISSA REVOLUTION AT TWISTED SOUL
PHOTOS BY RUSS YOUNGBLOOD
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SUPER BOWL LII AT WOOFS
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PHOTOS BY LAURA BACCUS
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THEQ?! Breaking Up is
HARD TO DO
Every split is the worst one, ever. Life Judge applies the salve.
Q
After a year of passionate sex, genuine laughs and always having a Plus One, we broke up. It was mutual, and it was the right thing to do, but the only person I want to talk to about it is him, my ex. Everything reminds me of our inside jokes. Something happens on “our show,” and I want to text him. I see “our place,” and I wonder if he’s been there recently. I don’t want to get back together, but I miss him. I don’t want to give him the wrong impression, but I do want to talk. Dear Talkative: What you’re experiencing is grief. Your relationship died, and the impulse to talk to your ex is understandable. But don’t, at least not right now. If the breakup was done right, he knows where you stand. Opening old wounds only extends your distress. The grieving process is how you move on, so use it to process memories that arise and internalize what the relationship meant to you. Think of the reasons your breakup was the right thing to do. You might also try a letting-go ritual: Write a letter pouring out the good, bad and ugly. Now – and this step is crucial – don’t send it. Tuck it in a drawer, and put your former relationship away with it. Or go further. Burn it and release your past into the smoke.
Q 38
My ex and I were together seven years, but the last year of it was a lie. She cheated repeatedly, promising each
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time not to do it again. She eventually moved out without discussing why.
I want closure. I deserve an explanation and a chance to say my piece. How can I get it? Dear Cheated: Wondering what motivates other people is tempting, but futile. There are probably tons of “reasons” for your ex’s decisions, but speculating on theories only delays your recovery. Turn your energy toward the person you can control and who needs your help: You. What would you do differently in the future? Did you put up with it for too long? Did you invest in someone who wasn’t earning it? Why? Would you prefer someone who respects your relationship as much as you do? The closure you seek will come in the form of lessons learned.
Q
After 13 years, I thought “happily ever after” was ours. I was wrong. Dirty laundry aside, he’s gone. I’m left with two dogs, a mortgage, and a house full of painful memories. Here’s the crazy part: I’d take him back. I’ve spent too much time on this to close the door on a whole era of my life. I don’t want help moving on. I want my life back! Dear Let Go: The door you’re clinging to is already closed. It’s OK not to bounce back right away, but it’s not OK to wallow indefinitely. Hug your dogs, call your friends, hire a counselor, sell the house, but whatever you do, let him go because he’s already gone. The Q is intended for entertainment purposes and not as professional counseling. Send your burning Qs to mike@qmagatlanta.com.
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