Inside the
Recovery Community Issue 1
Six Months Sobriety Reflections from Iqra
Interview with Sulaiman
September 2014
Inside the Recovery Community Copyright 2014 Š by Purify Your Gaze
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage or retrieval system. Published by: Purify Your Gaze, 27525 Puerta Real STE 100-333, Mission Viejo, CA 92691
Website: www.PurifyYourGaze.com Email: info@purifyyourgaze.com The articles in this newsletter are for general educational purposes only and should not be constructed as medical advice or instruction. The information provided should not serve as a substitute for proffessional medical care.
Contents
17
5
10
Editorial
3
Interview With Sulaiman
5
Adventures In Recovery: Supplicate
8
Six Months Sobriety
10
It’s Back! Sobriety Mastermind
13
Adventures In Recovery: Open
15
Adventures In Recovery: Unscripted
17
Editorial
Zeyad Ramadan
Bismillah Al-Rahman Al-Raheem
resistance, ignoring, and attempts at controlling of the feeling.
It took me some time to really think about what I wanted to reflect on in the very first edition of Inside the Recovery Community newsletter and for whatever reason what I found my heart coming back to again and again was this experience of fear.
What disarms the death grip of fear is acknowledging and accepting the fact that “Yes, I’m feeling afraid right now” without trying to push away, make myself feel bad, or run away from this unadulterated experience.
I’ll start out by saying that I find myself feeling afraid many times for no logical or comprehensible reason. The fear could be about a major step in my life or something that I really am looking forward to and deeply enjoy but find myself in a holding pattern of avoidance or it could be as silly as for whatever reason feeling afraid to respond to an email that is sitting there waiting for me in my inbox. Sometimes the fear is screaming so loudly that it feels debilitating. Other times the fear is lingering quietly in the background and I know that it is there because it is taking away from my experience of joy. More often than not there’s no reason nor logic to the fear, it’s certainly irrational. We can tell ourselves, “there’s no reason to be afraid here” and rationalize the emotion as much as we want but from my own experiences I’ve seen that rationalizing never has done much to push me forward into action. Although I’m technically “right”, rationalizing about my fears often only left me feeling more frustrated with myself that I couldn’t do what I needed to do. What creates and perpetuates that death grip of fear is not the feeling itself; in fact, it’s the avoidance,
With this simple shift, our perception changes and in that moment of allowing ourselves to feel our fear that weakness that was there has now transformed into an experience of excitement and strength. From this place, empowering choices are made and we see progress and great opportunities. Inside the Recovery Community is a publication each month that will be featuring the special experiences and happenings of your fellow members inside the Purify Your Gaze Community. To get more specific, it will be highlighting special moments of Community members that were likely born from a place of fear or trepidation. The stories you read whether it’s the completed Adventure In Recovery challenge or a moment of growth, or a joyous occasion, or an empowering conversation, all these positive experiences were born out of a moment of experienced fear. A moment of vulnerability brought about possibilities of growth, connection and joy. As you read this first edition of Inside the Recovery Community with its featured stories and the editions to come, remember to make room for fear. Purify Your Gaze Inside the Recovery Community 3
A Conversation With Purify Your Gaze Community Members On The Journey Of Recovery Panel Discussion with
Sr Misbah
Sr Iqra
Br Martin
Br Javed
“OMG! You guys are amazing. Totes amazing! Alhamdulillah thumma alhamdulillah for you guys :) . That event was amazing. Alhamdulillah. “ @Amir “The panel to me demonstrated the unlimited potential of this Community.“ @Ahmed “I can’t believe how happy I am listening to this. It’s a total dream, like watching a storm-ravaged boat pulling into port after all was thought lost, subhan Allah!” @Hamid
Interview with Sulaiman Sulaiman marked one year in PYG with happy tears in his last coaching hot seat. Br. Zeyad recognized the hope and optimism in his voice. We catch up with him here. Favourite Quote
“Happiness=Progress” Tony Robbins
What book most impacted your recovery journey and why? The book which has had the most profound impact on me is Awaken the Giant Within by Anthony Robbins. I found that this book gave detailed instructions on self-development. When I was reading this book it gave me hope in my recovery. Throughout the whole book it emphasises how great I can be. The focus of the book is being a great human, challenging yourself and being the best that you can. This book gave me the motivation in breaking through my ‘learned helplessness’ and how to identify the path for becoming the person I want to be. This has, so far, resulted in me becoming so much more productive compared to before sobriety. It has so far helped me maintain the path of active sobriety. Describe a critical moment when you reached out to your buddy that was a game changer in your recovery? Having an accountability buddy is absolutely invaluable and I can’t emphasise enough the importance of having one in your life. These are the people who we can remove our masks in front of
and be our true selves. A critical moment for me was when I once was on the verge of relapsing. At the time, I had been triggered by something and I was building myself up for a relapse. The time when I was the most vulnerable is when I went into isolation and I stopped all contact with my buddy as I was too ashamed to talk when I was constantly relapsing. I remember my accountability buddy once phoning me out of the blue during my build up to a relapse. All of a sudden, I came back to reality when he was ringing me and I picked up his phone straight away. That was quite surreal for me as I was at the most vulnerable stage and Allah provided me with a way out of relapsing at that moment. I remember that call with my buddy was absolutely amazing. What self-care item makes a world of a difference for you? The best self-care item for me is to physically exercise. This is something which I have deprived myself off in the last few years. When I go to the park, see the ducks in the lake, breathe the fresh air in the morning and I feel that I have dug deep Purify Your Gaze Inside the Recovery Community 5
in conditioning myself, then, I am ready to take on the day. (Smile) What was your most challenging hot seat and why? One of the most challenging hot seats for me was my first hot seat I had with Zeyad. The challenge that I had was the fact that I had no faith in myself of recovering. This call changed my life. I’ve never ever been asked thought provoking questions. Zeyad asked me such simple questions, but, they required deep thought. “Describe your ideal day?” and “What are your needs?” I couldn’t answer these questions; I was just in stunned silence. Then Zeyad said “What are your cat’s needs?” I gave him an instant reply. What was so funny is that I knew my cat’s needs, but, I didn’t understand my own needs. How stupid is that? I’ve never ever had hard questions about my life come to me in that way (apart from in job interviews -smile ) When I got off that call, it really stretched me and it got me thinking and that’s when the
path of recovery began... Share a BIG aha moment you got from another member’s hot seat? I can’t emphasise the amount of benefit there is in listening to other people’s calls. You will learn so much from other people’s calls that you can implement it in your own life. There will be things that others are going through which are also relevant to you. I remember Zeyad giving a quote to a brother on his hot seat “You are either growing in life or you are dying”. That quote by Zeyad was absolutely amazing. I used to always think that there is ‘middle position’ where we are not dying or progressing. That is absolutely false! We are either in the progress boat or the sinking boat. I learned from this that we need to feed our souls every day to live a fulfilling life and grow as human beings and that is what will allow us to maintain true sobriety!
Purify Your Gaze Inside the Recovery Community 6
You shared that you have had the opportunity of meeting fellow brothers in recovery in the UK. How did this happen, and what was it like when you first met? My first accountability buddy who I was in regular contact with initiated a meeting. Also, from the calls I used to pay special attention to brother Waleed’s calls. I asked Zeyad to get me connected with him as I thought to myself, I can perhaps build a little UK group of PYG members. Then, I spoke to brother Hussain and made a mini group between the 3 of us. We decided to meet up and Hussain also bought another brother along with him, who recently opened up to Hussain about his addiction. After the congregational salah at the masjid, we all saw each other for the first time. This felt quite weird at first and I was slightly nervous, but at the same time I was excited as we had a common problem and we wanted to help each other overcome it. We went to a restaurant together and had a good ice-breaker. No doubt we were apprehensive sitting in a public place to discuss our issues. Once we sat down in the restaurant, the noise of various conversations throughout the restaurant didn’t
mean we had to whisper to each other. This was a fantastic meeting as we knew each other’s secret which has never even been shared with anyone openly. By this point I had 5 weeks’ worth of sobriety and I knew this because I was using the self-care tracker on the PYG website. All of us were at different stages in our recovery, but the best thing is that we could share our learning experiences. The brother who came with Waleed had the most impact on me. This brother was the most silent among us, but, when he spoke his words hit me. This brother was married and he also had children, he was the same age as me. He was a living example of someone who was married and had an addiction. It really struck my heart that I needed to keep on the path of recovery as I don’t want to be a husband who is an ‘ACTIVE ADDICT’ and hiding a secret from my wife. We haven’t met as a group again and this is something that I plan to do again as it would help me keep connected. When we do speak to have a catch up, we can easily have a 2 hour conversation and I wouldn’t even know that I have spent that long on the phone. The long conversations are absolutely worth it, as I always have a fruitful discussion throughout the call and it motivates me by learning and sharing beneficial advice. Purify Your Gaze Inside the Recovery Community 7
Adventures In Recovery
Supplicate July 2014
Listen to the AIR Supplicate commemorative event replay
AIR Supplicate Challenge: Set 3 supplications you will be making during Ramadan. Make continuous duaa for these 3 supplications and a wild card, which is a 4th duaa that will be assigned to you. That is the duaa of a fellow PYG Community member. You will not know who the member is but the only thing you have is their duaa.
Congratulations to our members that completed AIR Supplicate! Amir
Mal-Ger
Hamza
Noor33
Ahmed
blackboard
liberty
Brightstar
Kareem
BrMartin
BrTwoThousand,
Grace
Iqra
Hammad-
Hamdan
Mr Sabr
SrDove
Sami
Sincerity-14
Abubakr
SrMisbah
shadyF
AliDentity
84chevy
BrJaved
Mohammad-Ali
StartANewStory
Abd-Allah
Hussain89
Yahya
Shah22
AbdulRazaq
We had the greatest number of participants for AIR Supplicate in the history of AIR. “I made my dua’s really short out of consideration for the other person, then I received a very long dua... I was telling myself ‘I should have made my dua longer’, alhamdulilah.” @Mustafa on the live AIR Supplicate commemorative event. A shout out to our members that called in and spoke live for the first time: @puertochino @Is2014 @Abd-Allah Also, AbdulRahman, a long lost PYG member made an appearance!
Purify Your Gaze Inside the Recovery Community 9
Six Months Sobriety Iqra reflects back on what has made her sobriety happen. She marks her six month sobriety milestone where she has learnt the difference between abstinence and sobriety.
In the name of Allah [SWT], the most Beneficent, the Merciful By the grace and ability of Allah SWT, I was Alhumdulillah recently able to celebrate six months of sobriety, and I have been asked to share my reflections on this milestone. I admit, I have some reservations about writing this- Why me? Some of my fellow brothers and sisters in recovery also have 6 months, a year, two years, even several years of sobriety, Masha’Allah! What can I possibly contribute? Clearly my inner addict is throwing some pretty negative self-talk my way! I just hope and pray that I, like each and every other member of this Community, can offer a unique perspective on this process. Alhumdulillah now, after nearly 4 years since starting PYG, I have finally begun to understand and appreciate what sobriety means, and am realizing that it is definitely not the same as abstinence. I will share some of what I have learned here: First and foremost, complete and absolute powerless and dependence on Allah SWT is the foundation of recovery. The second we forget our true reality as slaves of Allah SWT and consider ourselves to be self-sufficient, we will once again become slaves to our desires and weaknesses. Ustadh Zeyad outlines this beautifully in the PYG modules and there are many threads in the forums which address this topic. For myself personally, I felt an immense shift when I began talking to Allah SWT regularly. By talking, I mean conversing with Him.
“I felt an immense shift when I began talking to Allah SWT regularly” This seemed scary at first- How could I talk to my
Lord, the Creator of the universe as if I’m talking to a friend over a cup of green tea?! It seemed crazy and even blasphemous. It started one day earlier this year when I was deciding whether or not to leave my PhD. I knew I wanted to, and eventually did, but it was a very difficult decision for a number of reasons. For months I felt stressed and I had barely a month of sobriety when one day I just asked Allah SWT for help and for Him to guide me since I felt truly lost and confused. It wasn’t after prayer or while I was making du’aa, but rather as I sat there feeling stuck and wondering what to do with my life. It helped and I began doing it more often, to the point where I was talking to Allah SWT throughout the day- whether about leaving the PhD, or something upsetting a family member or friend had said or done, thanking Him for all the little ‘wins’ and daily pleasures like a nice meal, or even just conversing about nothing in particular. SubhanAllah, it has made such a difference! I feel lighter, I’ve found that these conversations have led to making more du’aa and most importantly, I just feel that I truly can trust in Allah SWT and that He knows best and is taking care of me. Alhumdulillah. When I don’t talk to Allah SWT daily, I immediately feel like something is missing. Allah SWT already knows every single thing we’re experiencing, thinking, going through and feeling and He loves us in a way that none of His creation ever can. When we turn to Him, He is always there. SubhanAllah! The other thing which has helped me a great deal is self-care and accountability and support through the Community. I know that seems like more than one thing but they are all linked, at least for me. Back in February, on a coaching call immediately after my last relapse, Ustadh Zeyad told me to start an accountability thread in the forums where I would post daily on how my day Purify Your Gaze Inside the Recovery Community 11
went and whether I fulfilled the items on my SelfCare tracker. As many of you may know, I’m still writing on this thread regularly Alhumdulillah and I have the incredible support of community members who take the time to read my updates and offer advice, feedback and accountability. It has really helped me personally to know that I must not only maintain my self-care but that I must report daily to the whole community on whether or not I am doing so. It’s also essential to have someone who you have opened up to who you can call up, text, or meet up with if possible. We have been escaping the real world for so long that it’s essential to have real human connections beyond cyberspace. Many of us have our accountability buddies Alhumdulillah but it may also be a family member, a friend, or a community member who you have exchanged information with. The Chicago 6 are a great example Masha’Allah! We sisters from the ‘first and second generation’ ITFC exchanged emails through Ustadh Zeyad and we also speak via phone and Skype. Alhumduilllah, this has been hugely beneficial for me as I always have a group of wonderful friends who I can turn to and be fully
open, honest and vulnerable with. Last but not least, coaching with Ustadh Zeyad is something which I recommend to every single person in recovery. I know it is has been greatly beneficial for myself and for past and current clients. Yes, it may be difficult financially or for other reasons but ask Allah SWT for His help and to give you the means to pursue this very worthwhile and beneficial means of help. Ustadh Zeyad can offer personalized advice, action steps and guidance that is not otherwise available. Alhumdulillah. Recovery is a deeply personal journey and there is much more to sobriety than I have written here. I still have a long, long way to go but Alhumdulillah, sobriety so far has been wonderful. It’s about being vulnerable with others, about being present [something I’m definitely still working on!]. It’s about reclaiming my love for art after suppressing and minimizing it for the last few years. And it’s about constantly turning back to Allah SWT and asking Him for strength, patience, ability and courage. I hope and pray that He blesses all of us with the true gift of lifelong sobriety. Ameen.
It’s Back!
Sobriety Mastermind Behind the scenes br. Yahya has spent the past few months working to bring the live Sobriety Mastermind calls back in full swing in the Purify Your Gaze Community. We hear from him here. Assalaamu Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu It is one of my greatest joys to be a part of this Sobriety Mastermind initiative. Just like all of us, I have lost a lot to this addiction. Whatever progress I have made on the journey of recovery, I owe it all to Purify Your Gaze, its coaching, its modules, and its community. And I firmly believe that being connected to PYG was the mercy of Allah (S) from a lifetime of calling out to Him, asking Him to deliver me from this habit. Part of what every Muslim should always keep in mind is what they will dedicate their lives to in order to serve the Muslim Ummah and the
dawah effort. It’s not enough to go through the motions of life. We all need a higher purpose to work towards, and something to present to Allah (S) on the Day of Judgement as we appeal to His mercy and pray for Jannah. My niche in life that would fulfill this responsibility is in helping those who are suffering from a sexual addiction. I believe that with the gift of recovery comes the duty to contribute back and help others recover. To me, being part of Sobriety Mastermind allows me work towards this dream. Preparing for Sobriety Mastermind had it’s own set of challenges. As opposed to the Sobriety Mastermind calls held in 2011-2012, these calls will not have Ustadh Zeyad leading them. He was the Purify Your Gaze Inside the Recovery Community 13
main reason the calls were very special, by giving us lessons in real time on different recovery-related topics, and by asking deep and thought-provoking questions. A lot of my time went to researching recovery groups, group discussion topics, and effective group dynamics. I attended different meetings, regarding different types of addictive substances, both in person and through virtual channels. I studied the history of 12-step and non 12-step philosophies. I listened to old Sobriety Mastermind recordings and read books on asking powerful questions. We held 4 trial Sobriety Mastermind calls, took notes, listened to the replays,
collected feedback, and analyzed them with Ustadh Zeyad. So despite our obvious handicap of not having Ustadh Zeyad with us, I am confident that we have the tools to create a truly amazing and memorable experience. So for those of us who are new to the community, I am excited to get to know you, and I hope the Sobriety Mastermind is as life-changing for you as it was for me. As for us PYG veterans who remember what Sobriety Mastermind used to be, together lets try to bring back the energy that were some of our sweetest memories. I’ll see you on the call!
A chance to connect... The Sobriety Mastermind: A peer lead conference call connecting our members, keeping them in touch with their recovery every week.
Click here for details! Purify Your Gaze Inside the Recovery Community 14
Adventures In Recovery
Open August 2014
Listen to the AIR Supplicate commemorative event replay
AIR Open Challenge: Experience 6 instances where we are either open to giving or receiving from our hearts. This includes helping out another person, receiving help, complimenting another person, but the key is to do it with a living and open heart.
Congratulations to members that completed AIR Open! BrTwoThousand
hitmebreeze
BrMartin
SrDove
Iqra
Ahmed
BrotherJaved
Brightstar
AbuHamza
Amir
srMisbah
"For some reason, all my submissions ended up being food related..." @BrTwoThousand on the live commemorative event.
“...At some point I just decided not to overthink it. I thought I will not create a scenario� @AbuHamza on the live commemorative event, talking about letting the experiences occur effortlessly.
Purify Your Gaze Inside the Recovery Community 16
Adventures In Recovery
Unscripted
September 2014 Attend a live Sobriety Mastermind call, participate, and reflect. This is the current AIR challenge Deadline: September 26th, 2014
Click Here To Opt In