Inside the
Recovery Community Issue 2
The Road to Honesty in Marriage Hussain opens up to his wife.
Redefining Success
October 2014
Inside the Recovery Community Copyright Š 2014 by Purify Your Gaze
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage or retrieval system. The articles in this newsletter are for general educational purposes only and should not be construed as medical advice or instruction. The information provided should not serve as a substitute for professional medical care. Published by: Purify Your Gaze, 27525 Puerta Real STE 100-333, Mission Viejo, CA 92691
Website: www.PurifyYourGaze.com Email: info@purifyyourgaze.com
Contents
16
13
5
Editorial
3
Redefining Success
5
Open Mic
7
We Hear Grace’s Voice
11
The Road to Honesty in Marriage
13
Adventures In Recovery: Unscripted
16
Adventures In Recovery: Fundamentals
20
Editorial
Zeyad Ramadan
Bismillah Al-Rahman Al-Raheem
you or how it is trying to instruct you.
Sometimes the last thing we want to hear is “have hope or be hopeful”.
Slow down. Listen.
Although we can intellectually grasp hope and its importance, sometimes we feel anything but hope, feeling defeated and lifeless.
Feel.
On the outside nothing seemingly has happened to get you to feel defeated, there’s actually a lot to feel hopeful and optimistic about but the wick of your soul is without that burning flame that will light that hope through all of you.
And if you find yourself not being able to express, repeat the steps again: slow down, listen, observe yourself within, feel and express.
When you are in this state any sort of escape to pleasure from your living misery will do: oversleep, chocolate, junk food, endless Youtubing, pornography. None of these escapes though will touch your soul in the way you deeply crave and none of them will reignite your zeal for life which is what you want the most. You “know” about the importance of healthy eating, the exercising to alter your mood level, the not isolating yourself from others, the prioritization of your relationship with Allah, all things you learned help your recovery... ....But it all just feels so difficult right now, you just don’t have the will to move with strength.
Express.
Sometimes that expression will come about with you painting a picture or writing a poem. Sometimes that expression will only come through with an intimate conversation you have with someone you can feel safe with. Sometimes that expression will come about by you sitting somewhere quiet where you read something that causes a stir and movement deep within your soul. Yes hearing all this talk about having hope right now may be agitating and maybe for a moment you can give yourself permission to drop the weight of the list of all the things that you should be but are not doing.
Oh friend with a tired soul, I speak to you.
You are only but here so there is no use in fighting that, trust that where you are now in seeming darkness is valuable too and from this very place reach out.
Those feelings of defeat and hopelessness within you that are showing you their colors are not entirely a bad thing.
Drop a few lines on the Community forums, send us an email, hop on a Sobriety Mastermind call, this does not have to be a lonely process.
Allow yourself the gift of curiosity to better listen to your heart and what your current state is trying to tell
As for now, enjoy our second edition of Inside the Recovery Community! Purify Your Gaze Inside the Recovery Community 3
Eid Mubarak From Purify Your Gaze
Redefining Success Noor33 chronicles a huge and enlightening realization that came through his coaching calls with ustadh Zeyad where he redefined what success meant to him. He has been inspired to work to enrich his life, because his life is worth living.
I’ve been dissatisfied with my job for a long time. I feel underappreciated and overworked, but I stick with it because I feel like the experience is valuable. How many recent graduates aren’t in a similar situation, right? This is part of the process of earning our stripes and building a work ethic, or so I hear. But an interesting thing happens when a big deadline comes up or when it seems like I should be the most focused. I tend to go on glassdoor.com and look at salaries for my position at other companies, or go on LinkedIn, or ask my friends about their jobs and benefits packages. This always leads to me needing more time to finish an assignment and long, stressful nights at the office. After repeating this process for a long time, I started to realize this is something I’ve been practicing all my life even though I’ve only been at this job for about a year. I love to distract myself. When things aren’t ideal, I always wonder about what could be and convince myself that the grass really
is greener on the other side. When my life is tough or too boring, I rely on the lives of other people or imaginary characters to distract me from my own problems. When I feel lonely, I fantasize about people who could take away that loneliness, even though the only thing I may know about them is what they look like. I spend so much time distracting myself that I think my life has more to do with other people than it has to do with me. Is that any way to live? I realize now that during my longest stint of sobriety to date, I did nothing different from what I always do. My motivation was who I would become after an extended period of sobriety, six months to a year in my mind. I would read accounts of people who were abstinent for similar durations and how everything seemed to fall into place with their “sobriety”. They became more social; people gravitated towards them; girls noticed them more; they became more athletic, more interesting to other people because of their newfound hobbies Purify Your Gaze Inside the Recovery Community 5
and extra time. They became these supermen that I dreamed to be amongst. My entire length of sobriety was me trying to get to that place. After 40 days or so, I had noticed positive changes, but where I thought I was didn’t match where I thought I should’ve been. Everything came tumbling down after that. Why couldn’t I get to that place? Hadn’t I done what I was supposed to do? X number of days puts me in the ranks with the supermen, right? Ustadh Zeyad always used to ask me on calls, “What if where you want to be is right in front of you? What if you don’t need to become anything? What if you already are?” Kobe Bryant said in a recent interview that he has been able to stay dominant for so long because NBA Championships aren’t how he defines success. To him, the opportunity to work every day and become a better player is success. He is able to perfect his craft, and that process defines no limitations on what he can reach. It is only dependent on what he decides to put in. To me that is presence; that’s living in the moment; and that’s the answer to Ustadh Zeyad’s question. Success is putting all of your effort into right now to make it the best possible. You know doing just that is best use of your time and what you are supposed to be doing, and that honesty creates a peace and sense of satisfaction within you. Failure, on the other hand, is distraction. It gives you temporary amusement, but you end up having to finally face the very problems you were avoiding, and now you’re less equipped because of all the time you wasted. When we spend so much time in a fantasy, we never develop ourselves or reach our potential, and we never attain what occupied our minds for so long because it fundamentally isn’t real. The more my recovery journey progresses, the more I realize it never gets easier. Whether you’ve been sober for 5 days or for 5 years, there will always be times when shaitan comes to whisper in
your ear and remind you of your old habits. There will never be a time in your life where you can kick your feet up and coast, not worry about sobriety at all, and go back to being “normal”. No, this is the new normal for you. The norm is now consistent work every single day and exertion in reality to be the person you were meant to be.
“Failure, on the other hand, is distraction. It gives you temporary amusement, but you end up having to finally face the very problems you were avoiding, and now you’re less equipped because of all the time you wasted.” There is a difference now, though. You no longer cower in fear at the thought of a relapse or have bouts of anxiety and stress because of the thought of slipping up. Your work now is proactive, and it’s not something you run away from. You work to enrich your life because the life you have is worth living. You are a valuable investment, and the only way to increase your worth is to work at it. You believe so much in doing everything you can to make this moment count that the outcome doesn’t matter anymore. You trust Allah to take care of that because you’re doing what He asks of you to the fullest. I think when that fire is lit within you, work becomes enjoyable. Every instance of time becomes honest, and right now is all you are concerned with. By this new definition, you are successful in this moment. And success in moments leads to success in life. Purify Your Gaze Inside the Recovery Community 6
Open Mic
Poetry by Community Members
The Community members are full of many talents, one of which is inspirational poetry. Here are a few beautiful poems that were posted in the Forum by our members. Three of the selections were written as part of the Adventures in Recovery (AIR) Challenge, Tree Hugger.
An Ode to Submission by @Tranquil
Who knew the heaviest burden would be laying down my swords In surrender my cast iron shield glistens in the heat racing, roaring cavalry Amidst the rumbling thunder - fierce and unforgiving Teardrops crashing into stone Like rainfall in this war of whims Where I once stood I fall prostrate Shut out the trembling voices and the icy fears Dew runs wet between my eyes closed tightly I count the Names of the Most Magnificent Waiting, hoping, praying, believing Perhaps dawn would entice me from my wakeful slumber With promises of peace Soon perhaps Whispering, wondering, wanting, yearning For the victory I’ve only ever dreamt about before I shyly raise my head before my Master To behold His favours Victory And more Purify Your Gaze Inside the Recovery Community 7
Elm by @MilstoneRebel
Was my faithful hug an embrace of ones celebrating being made from dust? Or was it a just waste of love? Just a man unnamed putting face in stump? Why did your Maker - eternally use you as a metaphor for a good word? Especially when your kind makes no noise at all? These are not questions asked in confusion, rather conviction born from amazement. There I was, now using the machine of my past (and sometimes current) self-destruction, to find your name I took a piece of your hair as you allowed me and I ran the DNA test into the machine I smiled when I saw your name like a little boy I wondered later when speaking to a friend, how far your roots underneath me did extend; and whether when I hugged you: a man, uncouth was returned, by you, with me, between branch and root.
The Loquat Tree by @Hamid
Cold this night, a stalwart spindle Dripping fruit, I’ll eat and kindle My love for you, your easy service My neighbors must be getting nervous, As they watch me hug you, talk, and pray For patience, for giving in the loquat way
Purify Your Gaze Inside the Recovery Community 8
“I’m tired but want to walk to Freedom” Untitled by @BrMartin
[Drum: side stick] I have it all, so what is missing? A brother’s hug, a mother’s kisses? I have it all, or so it seems, so why am I in fantasy? I look around for what to do, but all I need is You! (subhanahu wa ta’ala) [Drum: bus roll] [Chorus] Oh, pull me back from the abyss, I feel there’s something here amiss, give me a preview of Your bliss that I may make thru with this (Drum: side stick) I’m tired but want to walk to Freedom, I’m hungry and want to taste Your Wisdom, I’m angry from the stings of dunya I’m lonely but Your angels lift me, hallelujah (Unfinished) Purify Your Gaze Inside the Recovery Community 9
The Quaking Aspen by @BrTwoThousand
I wonder … Has anyone ever hugged you before me? Have you been loved? Appreciated? I see some kids over there Twisting, bending, pulling at your friend’s arm, Mindless of his beautiful service, Ignoring his might and splendor. Has it been the same for you? You see, When I embraced you, I felt at peace, at home. I stood there and you stood so much taller. And even though I shook, I hesitated and I doubted, You stood firm, Warmly welcoming my embrace. Why do you stand there? Day after day … Year after year … Don’t you plan on retiring? Maybe going somewhere warmer? No, You’re here on a mission, aren’t you? Here for something greater? You were placed here By your Creator And He gave you some tasks: Grow taller and taller. Give shade to the people. Give shelter to the animals. Breath out fresh, pure air.
Glorify and praise your Sustainer. When others harm you, be patient; Your Lord sees what they do. Just stick firm to your mission. And when they come to you for wisdom, Teach them. And when they embrace you, Welcome them. When they admire your beauty, Tell them about The Beautiful. When they revere your might, Point toward The Mighty. When they are confused and lost, Guide them, Call them over, Invite them to make sujood with you. Ah, yes, now I see. You’re not here for you. You’re here on a mission. You’re here to serve Him. And that’s why I’m here too. From the bottom of my heart, Thank You. Thanks for your care, love, wisdom. Oh, and one last thing … I know we just met, But before I go, If it’s OK with you, I think I’d like just one more hug.
We Hear Grace’s Voice A fairly new member, Grace, was invited to join the trial Sobriety Mastermind calls. She impressed us with her courage as we heard her voice for the first time. Here she shares that doing so built her confidence.
How did you find Purify Your Gaze? I was watching a video of Productive Muslim’s on YouTube, and at the end of the video there was an advertisement of Purify Your Gaze, so that’s how I came to know about it. What made you decide to join Purify Your Gaze? Well, I became an addict two years ago, and it was then when I saw that advertisement on YouTube, but at that time I thought that it was just a phase and it will pass. I thought I don’t have to join any sort of recovery program to resolve it, but when that problem continued, then I became serious about it and I joined Purify Your Gaze. How did you feel when you joined and introduced yourself in the Forum? Well, at first I wasn’t confident enough to introduce myself anywhere, but then after attending trial calls, I became much more confident about myself, and I was feeling really great to introduce myself in the Forum. You were asked to attend trial calls of the Sobriety Mastermind before they officially began as part of br. Shakil’s effort to learn how to best facilitate the Sobriety Mastermind. Describe
your feelings when you attended the call for the first time? Well, I think I don’t have the words to explain my feelings when I first attended the call. It felt so great to talk to a group of people who don’t even know you, and the only thing you had in common with them was that they were all on the same path to recovery. It felt really good to talk to all of them and share my thoughts with them. Then you spoke live on the call for the first time… What was that like? Well, it was the first time when I actually talked about my addiction, so it felt really great. At first I was a bit nervous because I didn’t know any of the members, and I never talked about my issues before, so it was a bit hard for me, but, Alhamdulillah, the call went very good, and I was feeling really happy after attending it. What are your hopes for yourself in recovery? I am really hopeful about my recovery because I have so much belief in Purify Your Gaze that, Insha’Allah, when I join the Breaking Free program, I would be able to recover from this addiction once and for all.
Purify Your Gaze Inside the Recovery Community 11
Happy
Birthday From Purify Your Gaze
May this next year in your life be one of closeness to Him, breakthroughs in the areas you care about, and deeply felt joy!
Members Only Click here to join the PYG Recovery Community
The Road to Honesty in Marriage It is with great happiness that we congratulate Hussain on his recent marriage. Better yet, he disclosed the truth of his sexual addiction to his wife on their honeymoon. It's been one agonizing trek of a journey for Hussain. We catch up with him here.
How would you describe your recovery journey so far?
sobriety village as the marriage process was moving?
My recovery has been interesting – sporadic, deep insights into myself as well as learning what I need to be doing. Its just that at times I have failed to take hold of those tools and utilise them. Ustadh Zeyad once said to me; “you can lead a horse to water but cant get it to drink” – that was very true for my case! Its only since getting married and opening up to my wife that I’ve attached that much more importance to my recovery. I’m still on my journey, constantly learning and hoping to develop further inshaAllah.
I started a post on the forum to get some advice on how to go about opening up to my wife. It was very insightful to get many peoples’ take on it and their advice. It also scared me slightly to the reality of what I had to do – open up about everything! That fear kind of drove me into silence for a while about the matter until I had a call with Ustadh again which reemphasised the need for me to open up to my then fiancée.
On the topic of disclosure to your wife, before you got married, from when things were still in the discussion phase, what progress had you made in deciding to disclose to her your addiction or not? I always knew I had to open up to her, but coming to terms with actually doing it was the hard part. I didn’t know how to word it, worried I would beat around the bush or paint it in a way that may make her run away or even totally lose hope in me. Nevertheless, despite knowing that, i learnt that keeping it away will not help me, but most importantly, was unfair on her! Ustadh Zeyad once gave me the harsh (but very true) advice that it was complete utter selfishness on my part if I think I could keep it from her. I also saw the examples of others that had been married and did not open up – that thought scared me! When in communication with my wife prior to us getting married, I did allude to the fact that I have weaknesses that scare me, and I want to open up to her about, but I was fortunate in that she deflected it, reassured me that we all have our own jihads, and said we will discuss face to face once we were married. What conversations were you having in your
Throughout this you were receiving coaching from Zeyad. What did he help you see, learn or discover that encouraged you to move forward? The conversations, advice, insights, ‘straight-talk’ that Ustadh gave me, I would say, were pivotal to me being able to confidently open up to my wife. I made things look so pretty, buttered them up and hid behind smoke screens; I put a mask on!! He made me realise this and made me see the reality that I was living. Ustadh Zeyad helped me drill down into my self and question why I’m constantly ‘beating around the bush’ and not saying it how it is! This was key to me being able to open up to my wife. His words were a tough reality check for me, but at the same time, were a massive sense of support for me, subhanAllah! You eventually disclosed your addiction to your wife after several attempts. What was that like? It was very strange! My head was spinning. I felt like I was literally giving my heart to someone – but that’s exactly what I needed. It felt uncomfortable, initially, explaining to my wife that I’m not that person she may have perceived, and that was very hard for me to say knowing that I could potentially change her opinion of me totally! I constantly sought out the perfect moment to tell her – a walk on the beach watching the sunset Purify Your Gaze Inside the Recovery Community 14
If there was a quote that best summed up your experience, what would it be?
“Be Naked” Zeyad Ramadan
or something romantic like that … It never came that way because I kept putting it off until the last few nights of our honeymoon, and we were sitting in our room where I told her everything! It was scary for me, nerve wracking and very emotional for me, but I kept trying to reassure myself that it’s best for her, and then best for my recovery. Alhamdulillah, she was very understanding and supportive, I think mostly so, because she valued the honesty and openness in me telling her.
Whatever you do … don’t keep it from her!!! Wallahi, I feel me being open with my wife about my addiction and my recovery has brought about even more closeness between us. I totally respect it and now understand just how selfish it can be if one is not to tell their spouse about their addiction. Openness from the very start is a must, regardless of how you think your spouse will perceive you! And it goes a million miles in terms of building trust!
What are your hopes for your marriage and recovery following this huge milestone?
If there was a quote that best summed up your experience, what would it be?
Engaging with my wife more in terms of my recovery! Getting her involved in my sobriety and active recovery. Continuously being open with her about anything that comes to my mind that may hinder my recovery, as well as letting her know about any wins I have during recovery inshaAllah
“Be Naked!” …Yes, that knocked me back, too, the first time Ustadh Zeyad said that to me, and I truly, honestly can’t put into words just how important it is! Going into a marriage in a state of being naked! Naked in terms of your weaknesses, emotions, flaws, addictions, feelings – don’t have any smoke screens that you live behind! This is the essence of openness, the pinnacle of trust, and in many respects, the sweetness of closeness between you and your spouse!
With the benefit of hindsight, what would you recommend to fellow members who have yet to walk the path of disclosure to one’s future spouse?
Purify Your Gaze Inside the Recovery Community 15
Adventures In Recovery
Unscripted September 2014
Members Only Replay Click HERE to Join the Community
AIR Unscripted The September AIR Challenge: Attend a Sobriety Mastermind conference call, particpate, and document your experience in the AIR Unscripted thread in the Forum.
Congratulations to all the members who completed AIR unscripted! BrTwoThousand
Aamir
srMisbah
SrDove
SisterIqra
SevenBlue
BrotherJaved
Ahmed
Redemption
The Live Conversation “Not being present will make me lose myself.” @Redemption reflects about the topic of presence discussed during one Sobriety Mastermind call.
“When it happens in the moment, and the light bulb goes off, it is an absolute magical moment” @Yahya regarding how the Sobriety Mastermind calls fostered a synergy allowing new discoveries to take place.
Purify Your Gaze Inside the Recovery Community 17
“I am trying to equip myself more with the things I need to do to enhance my chances of getting more on recovery and continuous freedom” @Br Kareem explaining why he decided to join the AIR celebration, way to go!
“There are these aha moments that come up, that sometimes can be categorized as paradigm shifts” @Redemption elaborates on these new insights that take place during the calls.
“Overall the experience has been great, alhamdulAllah” @SrMisbah talking about the Sobriety Mastermind experience.
“Insha Allah one day we can come to the website and members will see dozens of Mastermind calls that are led by dozens of leaders…It’s exciting to be on the journey.” @BrZeyad explaining his vision for the Sobriety Mastermind. Purify Your Gaze Inside the Recovery Community 18
Highlights From Members’ Reflections in the Forum “I remember we shared some laughs and everyone had something to share on the topic... it’s just great to be ‘present’ with everyone and naturally see how the conversation flows. Alhumdulillah.”
from my fellow community members about times they felt presence, how they went about it, what challenges they face in trying to be present, what are the differences between “presence” and “present”.”
@BrJaved
@Ahmed
“Aside from the content, what influences me most in these meetings is the respect and understanding we show to each other.”
“I did learn though that it’s usually when you burn yourself out that you feel resentment.”
@Seven Blue
“I left the call feeling spiritually charged, feeling Allah gently guiding me back to Him, to be His slave.” @SrDove
“I heard about experiences
@Aamir
“It was just really nice to hear everyone’s voices Alhumdulillah.” @SrIqra “Absolutely loving the American accents, especially @Hamid‘s!” @Aamir highlighting the diversity of the PYG community! Purify Your Gaze Inside the Recovery Community 19
Adventures In Recovery
Fundamentals October 2014 We know there's a direct correlation between a relapse and self care. This month's AIR challenge is to identify one fundamental self-care item important to your recovery. Complete the item daily, report to fellow members within 24 hours. Each day checked will enter you into a raffle for a secret prize to be announced in the commemorative event. The maths says that the more days checked, the higher the probability of winning.
MEMBERS ONLY Click HERE to join the PYG Recovery Community
This is the current AIR challenge Deadline: October 26th, 2014