Inside the
Recovery Community Issue 4
Eight Months of Sobriety Is Easy Martin’s Reflections
Interview with Hamza
Dec 2014 /Jan 2015
Inside the Recovery Community Copyright Š 2014 by Purify Your Gaze
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage or retrieval system. The articles in this newsletter are for general educational purposes only and should not be construed as medical advice or instruction. The information provided should not serve as a substitute for professional medical care. Published by: Purify Your Gaze, 27525 Puerta Real STE 100-333, Mission Viejo, CA 92691 Website: www.PurifyYourGaze.com Email: info@purifyyourgaze.com
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Contents Dec 14 / Jan 15
SELOR
Editorial
3
Eight Months Sobriety Is Easy...
5
Adventures In Recovery: Forgiveness
9
Interview With Hamza
14
Adventures In Recovery: Celebrate
19
Every Child Is An Artist
23
Adventures In Recovery: Morning
26
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Editorial Zeyad Ramadan CEO & Founder of Purify Your Gaze
Bismillah Al-Rahman Al-Raheem Although I could never find the scientific study to give you the hard facts, popular culture tells us that more than 90% of new year’s resolutions made will be broken by January 15th. As you start off the new year, I wanted to offer you a different perspective to think about the goals you’ve put down and why it is so many people do not follow through. Conventional advice tells us when setting your goals for the year to create “spicy and exciting goals” that have you jumping out of bed each and every morning. Working with a Purify Your Gaze member, he and I reviewed the new year’s goals he had set for himself, which included preparing for and running a marathon and memorizing one third of the Qur’an. On a scale of 1 to 10, I asked him how excited he was by his goals and specifically those top two goals, and he answered with an emphatic 10! I asked him the most important follow up question, “Why?” I don’t remember the details of his answer but what I do remember feeling was the burgeoning level of uncertainty that was entering into our conversation. Following the “spicy goals” advice, many of us may set out goals that have us feeling significant, strong and accomplished when we imagine ourselves having completed them but in terms of actual practicality they are not grounded and are disconnected from what it is we really crave and desire. This leads us to commit the mistake of setting goals without a soul. With the brother, I asked him, “What is it that led you to choose these top goals specifically?”
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He gave it some thought and then told me about the distance he felt in his relationship with God and how bad he felt with having not picked up the Qur’an to actually sit down and read since the month of Ramadan and how he was tired of feeling so lethargic all the time. But there was still a seeming disconnect with why he specifically chose those two mighty goals. So with our back and forth dialogue, I offered him a slightly altered version of his top two goals, “What if instead of trying to memorize a third of the Qur’an, which is of course a noble task in of itself, or preparing for and running a marathon this year that you instead made it a priority to spend 25 minutes a day reciting the Qur’an or committed to reading a specific number of verses or pages a day, and committed to some sort of physical activity for 30 minutes a day?” The poor guy looked like he was defeated but at the same time I saw relief. “You look down but at the same time I sense that you are at peace?”, I asked him. He told me that it felt as if he had given up already when he had not even started and this newly suggested set of goals sounded too simple and not spicy. There was also disappointment because of his inability to live up yet again to another set of expectations. He was at peace because beyond the “ra, ra, ra” of his initial goal setting, he knew that he likely would have not followed through on those goals. It was okay to drop those expectations of mighty achievement and having to play the hero. The gentle and simple path that would allow him to fulfill his soul’s deepest needs was what he really wanted. Even better, it was realistic and he could do it with everything else already happening in his life! So as you look toward to 2015, make sure to set your goals with deep soul!
Recovery has taught me that Allah is not harmed by my sins. My actions damage my own self. Allah is free of need and will forgive me any time I ask for it, with any kind or quantity of sins. Every second spent feeding the addiction has been a loss, an opportunity cost and a consumption of poison, for ME. I am the one who changed because of my actions. Allah is still Allah. He is waiting for us to give up this game of playing around with our lives, accept that we are nothing without Him and ask Him for direction. The devil’s logic is, “You’re filthy. Stay away from Allah.” A monumental deception. Finding oneself in a fallen state is the right time to let one’s slave hood seep into oneself. Its the most natural thing for a human being to do. I was advised to bring all my problems, worldy and other-worldy, to salah. No matter what transpires between the prayers, it can be cleansed completely during them. Sins fall off in wudhu, then in qiyam, rukoo’ and sujood. In du’aa, major sins can be presented to Allah for cleansing. This opportunity comes five times a day. Salah is meeting with a Rabb who loves those who seek purification and He loves to purify His slaves with His forgiveness.
@Amjad PYG Community Forum "Your Relationship With Allah" Thread started by Sr Misbah Purify Your Gaze Inside the Recovery Community 4
1998
2010
2012 I
COUNSELOR
Eight Months of Sobriety Is Easy...
On the hundredth try. Carlos marks his eight months sobriety milestone this month. He chronicles his recovery journey over the years.
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2012 II
2013
2014
I am a sex addict
When I was a young and impressionable engineering student, I came across a motivational article that said “Engineers get it right the first time.” I really took that phrase to heart, initially from pride in my newly chosen profession, but later as a self-imposed expectation. I did not know at the time that such expectation was unrealistic and would be a big source of stress for me. Now, 20 years and many mistakes later, I can appreciate the partial wisdom of that exaggerated phrase, but I add an important clarification: “Engineers get it right the first time.... the second time around!” It still sounds lofty but the point is, you don’t know
what you don’t know until you try, and then you keep trying until you figure it out. Only after much practice can we get something right the “first time”. I had many attempts at sobriety, each giving me the blessing of understanding myself a little better. The learning was cumulative, therefore relapsing did not reset me to start over from zero. So after dusting off from the many falls and licking my wounds, I only had to pick up where I left off, Alhamdulilah. These are some of my recovery breakthroughs, by Allah’s Grace. Purify Your Gaze Inside the Recovery Community 6
1998 - 2010 “Uh-oh, this ain’t good, but can’t stop...” I didn’t even try to quit my habit until after meeting my wife. I had 9 years of addiction practice by then, getting really good at covering my tracks and making excuses for missing commitments. But the guilty secret continued after marriage, and my lies about what I did and where I had gone became more elaborate. I acted out everywhere. Everywhere! I tried quitting cold turkey, “white knuckling” through intense urges, counting days, guilt trips, vigorous exercise, basic internet blocking. Sobriety result: at most two weeks sobriety at a time, for 12 years 2010-2011 “Allah knows I’m trying...” Began to feel that my life was getting out of control, that my soul was dying a slow death. Only I didn’t know where to turn. By the Grace of Allah, I heard the calling of islam and gave my shahada at the end of my first Ramadan. It was the first time I heard there are systematic ways to clean our soul by following the merciful instruction of Allah (SWA) and Rasul Allah (SAW). I learned about lowering my gaze, fasting to reduce sexual urges, and purifying with ghusl (did plenty of that!). Also started shopping around for counselors that would support me in overcoming my addiction urgently for my spiritual survival. I was really surprised to find that several counselors would not understand “I want less sex”. Sobriety result: Able to stay clean while fasting my first Ramadan (though acting out nights), and regular multi-week sobriety cycles over two years. 2012 first half “OK, I can do this...” Heard about PYG thru Productive Muslim. Finding out that there was a program for muslims was a 7 Purify Your Gaze Inside the Recovery Community
great relief because I was still figuring out how to reconcile my culture with Islam. Joining PYG was my first conscientious effort to start a new life free of addiction. I poured myself into the modules and did all the exercises even though I was really scared. I discovered that acting out for me was not about seeking pleasure, but about avoiding fear. The euphoria of other personal discoveries carried me through 6 months of sobriety, but deep down I hadn’t fully admitted I was an addict. I persevered by sheer will and first order changes, but was still working it alone. Sobriety result: Fully sober through Ramadan and beyond. 2012 second half “What do you mean there’s more?” The honeymoon feeling of my PYG initial efforts began to fade because remnants of my old anxieties and fears snuck back in. Thanks to my previous periods of sobriety, I was now taking on harder personal and professional challenges. But as the stress built, I came overdue to peel another “layer of the onion”. I posed to my new counselor that I needed his expertise to tackle my insecurities head on, and he obliged. He would not let me dance around the issues, masha Allah. Sobriety result: The beginning of significant emotional independence and 6 months of “dry drunk” sobriety. 2013 “I’m cured! Oh, wait...” My denial of being an addict finally caught up to me and my resolve began to waiver again. Though I was lowering gaze regularly and successfully, my eye began to wander online. I returned to the forum, but mostly just lurking from the shame of not staying clean. Sobriety result: 6 months sober and relapse; 3 months sober and relapse; then the bottom fell out and binged heavily for several weeks before sobering up again.
“I am a much stronger person from learning to climb out the holes of so many relapses.” 2014 “I give up giving up” That was it. My new rock bottom. I questioned my recovery work of the last two years and finally admitted, truly, that I’m an addict. It crushed me like a ton of bricks, like it was the end of the world and Day of Judgement. My total and unconditional surrender was instantaneous. I had tried setting a “quit date” many, many times, but this was different. This was my Total and Unconditional Surrender date. I disclosed to my wife, joined SA, and renewed my commitment to the PYG forum. Sobriety result: Eight SOLID months and counting. Broke out of Earth’s gravity. Allahu Akbar!
Dear brothers and sisters, my journey so far has been long but rewarding, masha Allah, and I am a much stronger person from learning to climb out the holes of so many relapses. As I look back, I notice that I still cycle through mini versions of all these phases every week, forgetting I’m an addict, or thinking I can overcome it alone, or that I know more than Allah SWA. I also admit that there is hardly a day that I’m not tempted to use, and my inner addict tries to find ways to justify slipping a little more each time. But false confidence that I can control my addiction is like a house of cards - built on illusion and insecurity. The only answer for me is total surrender. La illaha illallah. Purify Your Gaze Inside the Recovery Community 8
Adventures In Recovery
Forgiveness November 2014
Member’s Only Replay
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Adventures In Recovery
Forgiveness The November AIR challenge was all about letting go, and purifying our hearts from the ill feelings that stifle us from spiritual openness.A few of us stepped up to the plate, mostly imperfectly.
The Challenge: Step by Step 1. Take out a pen and paper. Make a list of all situations in which you feel resentful inside you. 2. What wrong did you feel was done to you in each situation? How did this affect you? 3. What responsibility did you have in creating the situation? 4. Label each situation with either; ready to forgive, willing to forgive, or not willing to forgive. 5. For situations labelled ‘ready to forgive’ say out aloud, “I freely and fully forgive [insert name] and let go of any feelings of ill will toward them, they are free from me completely.” Continue repeating until you feel you’ve truly let go. 6. For situations labelled ‘willing to forgive’, pray for them, or give charity on their behalf, and ask Allah to help you forgive them. 7. For situations labelled ‘not willing to forgive’, repeat steps 1-3. 8. Lastly, write a poem about forgiveness/resentment/letting go.
Congratulations to the members who completed AIR Forgiveness! SrDove
Martin
BrJameel
Brightstar
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Time To Let Go by @BrJameel
Oh my mother, you were thrown out of your home by a man whose responsibility was to protect you and you sat on the front porch and cried until you stopped crying and slept there at night, cold, without a blanket. As the tears flowed from your eyes you allowed the poison of resentment to enter your heart that poison still flows in you, concentrating with age. It kept me and everyone else from reaching your heart and knowing you and loving you. Oh my child self, you were thrown out of your home by a woman whose responsibility was to protect you and you sat on that same front porch and cried until you stopped crying and sat there shaking, afraid, and alone and deemed yourself worthless. As the tears flowed from your eyes you allowed the poison of resentment to enter your heart that poison still flows in you, concentrating with age It kept her and everyone else from reaching your heart and knowing you and loving you The antidote to the poison was in my heart all along I had to make a conscious decision to purge what I had ingested a lifetime ago. So I choose to forgive, completely, and fully the imperfect but beautiful person that brought me into this world and took care of me and protected me and dried my tears when I was afraid. She was and always will be my mother, human and imperfect, loving me as best she can. And what better can I do for her than love her the best that I can.
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Untitled by @SrDove
Untitled by @Brightstar
With a lesson or two to learn, I’m committed to letting go, I can feel lighter, I can be wiser, Oh for that I’m committed to letting go! It’s easy to forgive others, it’s just a decision But to forgive myself, ah that’s the challenge To live without resentment against ones self, to be free from the shackles of self-hate. That is the true win for me. I can look back and list so many situations in which I should have done this, should have done that, been more of this, been less of that, been a little more kind, been a little more strong, be a little more open-hearted. And the list can go on and on. I love others more than myself, that’s why its easier to forgive them. But to love me, I have to climb over many mountains of regret. Why’s it so hard? I expect so much from me. But those expectations have not been fulfilled. Okay, let’s try it, just for the sake of saying I tried. I forgive me. I forgive myself for all that I wished I had done, I forgive myself for not living up to my own dreams. It’s easier said than done. But I’ll keep trying.
Untitled by @BrMartin
Tree bridges ravine Grateful for my mistakes I forgive myself
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“I think I was especially angry that first day, and just wrote down everyone and everything that ever hurt me. The next day I came back, and just noticed how silly some of the incidents were, and seeing it on paper made me realize that. So it was easy to Forgive almost all ... people.” – @Brightstar
The AIR Challenge Thread
The Live Conversation @ The AIR Forgive Commemorative Event “When I started to decide if I was willing to forgive or not, I realized that I wasn’t so ready to forgive and that scared me a little bit. The deeper I thought about it, I always converged to the same realization, which was that I wasn’t forgiving myself over the event.” Br Martin
“I feel that there may be something for me to learn from the situation, but I think I can only learn those lessons if I’m willing to forgive and letting go of the resentful feelings. And with that I can take wisdom with me throughout my life, and feel lighter and feel joyful.” Sr Dove about forgiving her family members. “When you’re able to be vulnerable with the person [you resent], share life stories, laughs, maybe play a game or two with them, it breaks down those feelings of any kind of resentment between you. It drains it away.” Br Abdullah about resolving resentment. “If we are not willing (to forgive), there’s something else we have unexplored yet.” Br Martin
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Interview with Hamza We talk to @Hamza as he moves into a new phase of his life as a man. We explore some of the focal points of his recovery as he worked with ustadh Zeyad. Favourite Quote
“Fear = False Evidence Appearing Real” From coaching with Zeyad Ramadan
Life throws us some challenges to rise up to. With that said, could you share a breakthrough that has helped you rise to the challenges you have been facing in recovery? I think a realization that I’ve made that I’m very grateful for recognizing (at least in this moment) is that there will always be some sort of challenge. A lot of times, I admittedly fantasize about this perfect life with no pain, no struggle, and just this peaceful serenity knowing that the battle is won and the proverbial demons have been slayed, when in reality, that’s Jannah. I can’t go around chasing, trying to solve the puzzle that is my life. That’s not my job. My job is to show up with full concerted effort and commitment everyday of my life - commitment to Allah, myself, my wife, and my family. Additionally, it’s also the recognition that I’ve subjected and reduced my izza (honour) to a lot of things that I shouldn’t have throughout the course of my life - explicit actions, sexuality,
what people think, and never truly internalized the idea that my izza is a two-tier construct - at a human level, my izza sits with nothing outside of the realm of my self, my actions, and my effort to please Allah; at a divine level, it sits with Allah and my having contentment for what He’s provided me. You’ve shared with us the progress you’ve made in your career. Congratulations! What are your hopes as you transition into a new phase of your life? JazakAllahu khair. My hopes are to continue to grow into an impactful role. One of the core needs of my addictive behavior I discovered through a lot of internal work was that I seek to feel a sense of ownership, and I feel that this role will definitely provide that inshaAllah, alhamdulillah. My main goals though are to continue to grow, continue to commit to my relationship with Allah, myself, Purify Your Gaze Inside the Recovery Community 14
and my wife, and try to be more action oriented, especially in regards to improving those three relationships. Also, to stop approaching things with fear. Allah’s qadr is Allah’s qadr, and my agency only extends to the actions I decide to take. As long as I’m taking actions to widen the gap between me and this addiction, and in turn close the gap between 15 Purify Your Gaze Inside the Recovery Community
me and my ideal servitude to Allah; inshaAllah I can be in a healthy place. That however is predicated on my honesty with myself. Reading through my answer I can only feel that it’s just so telling to how much of an ecosystem recovery is. All those pieces (honesty, actionability, servitude, and surrender) need to be there. You met up with a fellow PYG member and vet-
eran @abumaryam some weeks ago, how was that? Did it impact your recovery in any way? It was a great pleasure meeting him, what an awesome guy. One of the first things he did was order lamb tripe (intestine) off the menu we went to and added something along the lines of, “I love to be adventurous with my food.” That spoke deeply to me in the context of my recovery. The opportunities to face your fears are literally everywhere, even the food you pick at a menu. It definitely encouraged me to face my fears more alhamdulillah, and I feel that I’m trying to seek out more activities that are associated with fears/insecurities from my past - going to the beach, going ice skating, etc. Basketball and cooking… You were challenged to widen your scope of activities that allowed you to focus, be in your body and enjoy it. What was the wisdom of that challenge and what else did you find? The wisdom was being present. I remember hearing a jummah khutba once that elaborated on the hadith regarding teaching children archery, horse riding, and swimming. Archery to teach children that failures are inevitable...you have to miss the target numerous times before you finally hit the target. Horse riding because it teaches you leadership - you have to take control of a beast that’s 3x your size and learn to tame it. Swimming because it forces you to relax - if you panic in the water, what happens? Your chances for drowning increase. Basketball for me is something that’s always been something of a passion. I’ve always seen it as an escape - playing it, watching it, reading up on pro basketball player preparations and philosophies, etc. At an activity level, it partially represents for me the opportunity to address that aspect of failure before success that archery does. You’re not gonna hit all your shots, but you need to throw your shots up. The only way to get out
of a shooting slump is to keep shooting until you make it. I also found that I needed to re-orient myself in how I approach basketball when I play basketball, or really partake in any other activity. I’ve always benchmarked my play against the other people that were on the floor, versus where it is I want to be. That needed/needs to change. It goes back to that idea of being proactive in discovering opportunity while prioritizing myself in terms of my izza. My izza on the court isn’t playing better than anyone else there, it’s playing to the best of my ability. As far as cooking, it’s something I enjoyed as a kid and it was stifled. I used to always tell my mom I want to be a cook when I grow up, but she’d tell our relatives and I’d get made fun of, and I just kind of stopped once I got to middle school. I’m picking that up now to reconnect with that kid from my past, while also using it as an opportunity to extend myself for myself and my wife from time to time. :) Can you share with us a moment when you reached out to your accountability buddy/buddies, that allowed you to change course when you felt like you were struggling? One of the biggest moments was during the course of a pretty emotional and intense argument with my wife. I was on my way home from work after my wife, being upset, had told me she was leaving me for the night. I didn’t know how to navigate through this, and I wanted to check my wife’s sister’s house to see if she was there. I reached out to my accountability buddy Aaron and let him know, and he encouraged me to entrust Allah versus try to solve this myself, and to give my wife the space she needs. He had my back through a panic attack I had on the road. It was one of the most emotional and intense breakdowns of my life, and I felt like I really learned to put my trust in Allah in that moment. Share with us a touching conversation you Purify Your Gaze Inside the Recovery Community 16
heard on another coaching member’s hot seat. Man, there’s been so many. I think one in particular that sticks out to me was Brother Sulaiman’s as he was trying to muster up the courage to confess his addiction to who is now his wife. Hearing his call every week where he’d be procrastinating out of fear of what would happen would make me want to reach out to him and just tell him to do it already, but when I followed up later with his journey/story, and found out he told his wife, I was really proud of him. Some like myself didn’t have the tawfiq to be honest, Allah forced the truth 17 Purify Your Gaze Inside the Recovery Community
out of us, and as painful as it was, it was for the better. So any time I’ll see someone else in recovery with the opportunity to be honest and them being a little confused about it, I’m always going to encourage them to follow through with it - be it confessing to a spouse, disclosing to a parent. Breaking down the walls of concealment are the first steps to penetrating through that mask and taking mile long strides in recovery. May Allah give us all the tawfiq to be honest AND stay honest, with ourselves, with our spouses, and significant figures in our lives.
Happy
Birthday Member’s Only
Member’s Only
May this next year in your life be one of closeness to Him, breakthroughs in the areas you care about, and deeply felt joy! From Purify Your Gaze Purify Your Gaze Inside the Recovery Community 18 5
Adventures In Recovery
Celebrate December 2014
Member’s Only Replay
Before we move into 2015 Let us look back on our journeys and celebrate.
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Adventures In Recovery
Celebrate In the December AIR Challenge, members looked back, shared the wins, best advice received, advice for newcommers, and declared their goals for 2015 moving forward.
Congratulations to the members who completed AIR Celebrate! SrDove
srMisbah
Muhisin1
BrotherJameel
Musa
hopingin
SisterIqra
br.Ish
BrightStars
hitmebreeze
Abdullah
abutrustworthy
Noor33
A shout out to @br.ish, @hopingin, and @Muhisin1 for jumping on the AIR Challenge bandwagon. You completed your first AIR Challenge! It was also awesome to hear @Saber, @AliDentity and @Noor33 join us on the live AIR Commemoration call. Purify Your Gaze Inside the Recovery Community 20
At the AIR Commemoration event, we asked “How would you describe 2014 in one word?” @Iqra “Groundbreaking” “AlhamdulAllah I’ve had my longest span of sobriety…I think this is the first time where I’ve truly understood the meaning of sobriety and self-care, alhamdulAllah”
@Martin “Grounding” “Coming up next week will be 9 months with sobriety alhamdulAllah…Thanks to everyone in the PYG forum for that insight in being able to help others and being aware that everyone has a journey and we cross paths once in a while.”
@srMisbah “Out-of-my-comfort-zone” and “joy” “This year I think I experienced a lot more in terms of connection and getting to know new people as well. And basically breaking out of that mindset of resentment and despair and all sorts of negative emotions that I had a year before.”
@Musa “First Steps” “I joined PYG this year…after that no turning back…AlhamdulAllah I achieved four months of sobriety ... I opened up with my parents as well, disclosed almost everything to them – actually everything. That was very, very liberating.”
@SrDove “Bumpy” “AlhamdulAllah when I was working through what I had to celebrate I was smiling so much when I was writing what I wrote, and it was really, really simple things that I never thought I would do, like wholesome....stuff...”
@Abdullah “Preparation”
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“My experiences this year really have…been making me ready for what is to come. It’s not a light switch…I think every single experience, good or bad, has been propelling me toward the upcoming year... it’s a new dawn.”
@Noor33 “Potential” “I think this year there was a lot of insight into my potential. I realized a lot about myself and what I’m capable of alhamdulAllah…I believe I have a lot of potential, but I can’t really focus that energy, so Allah subhanaHu wa ta’aala is doing that for me. He’s showing me what’s best for me.”
@Brightstar “Opening Up” “Opening up to somebody and being honest…I started the process, the very first step…It’s helped me to realize what I need to work on…It’s helping me to feel more comfortable sharing, knowing that I’ll still be accepted.”
@ZeyadR “Playing Big” “Participating in the Rad Talk was a really special event for me…I love the work that we’re doing here with PYG and having the opportunity to really share that…We’ve got some really bold plans for 2015 insha Allah ta’aala… anything that’s great can’t be done alone…Being able to share that space with all of you has really been special for me.”
_________________________________________________________________ @AliDentity “Aabid” On his word for 2015 “It’s either I’m going to be a slave of Allah and make that connection and feel free and happy or be flipside which is where we were coming from where we feel suppressed, oppressed, restricted…”
“I didn’t ask for this addiction, I didn’t ask for the food I ate today either. I’m in God’s hands. Alhamdulilah.” @SrDove, the gem that inspired Abdullah from 2014.
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Every Child Is An Artist.
The problem is how to remain an artist once we grow up. Pablo Picasso
Iqra's recovery journey led her to reclaim art. She writes about the signifance of art in recovery. I have loved art for as long as I can remember. Growing up, I preferred solitary activities like reading, playing with Lego and art. Art though, unlike my other pastimes, was something that could be shared with others. My work was appreciated by my peers, even those who otherwise taunted or ignored me. My family also took pride in my art, and my parents, who dreamed of me becoming a doctor or engineer, patiently and generously bought me art supplies throughout my youth and undergrad [how I managed to study Visual Arts and convince my parents that I wasn’t committing cultural/career suicide is a story in itself ]. And they resigned themselves to the fact that the ‘hobby’ they thought I’d outgrow is something that I’m passionate about. I eventually finished my art degree and ‘grew up,’ internalizing the widespread belief that art is simply a frivolous pastime with no viable career opportunities. I entered teaching, then academia. Anytime I felt a sense of longing for art, I’d convince myself that it wasn’t that important to me. Then in September 2013, while browsing a used 23 Purify Your Gaze Inside the Recovery Community
book store, I found a copy of “An Illustrated Life” by Danny Gregory in mint condition. The watercolour illustrations inside, from the sketchbooks and journals of various artists, inspired me to buy not only the book, but soon after a travel watercolour set and a new sketchbook. I began illustrating my journal, although not very often. Art journaling alone felt like an unsatisfying substitute for the ‘real’ thing and I found my entries dwindling, especially as I fell into a rough time personally and began acting out again. A coaching call with Ustadh Zeyad and my decision to leave my PhD program helped me slowly start getting back on track, Alhumdulillah. I received a much needed boost when I was commissioned to paint two artworks. They were the first ‘real’ paintings I had done in years and I was engrossed in getting the Islamic geometric patterns and calligraphy just right. I was present. Presence is something I have always struggled with, but I only realized it once I started my recovery journey. While painting, I had absolutely no urge to check my email or my phone or ‘escape’ in any other way. For the first time in recovery, I felt truly present without any conscious effort.
I’ve finally realized that art is essential to my recovery and I can no longer undermine its significance. I bought new professional quality watercolours and used gift money to buy books on Islamic art and watercolour painting. I am now making and selling artwork, Alhumdulillah. And I have also been introduced to Dr. Sayyed Hos-
“I’ve finally realized that art is essential to my recovery and I can no longer undermine its significance.” sain Nasr’s work about the importance of Islamic art, calligraphy and geometric patterns and their
integral role in spirituality and worship. Finally, art doesn’t seem frivolous and I am so excited at the opportunity to fully embrace and explore this gift that Allah SWT has blessed me with, Insha’Allah! So you may be thinking [especially if you’re not an artist] “How does this relate to my recovery? What are the ‘lessons?” Well, there’s presence and finding a healthy outlet. There’s the realization that as long as we’re not transgressing the bounds of Allah SWT, we must do what makes us happy, instead of living by others’ expectations and perceptions of who we are and what we should be. And I’d like to conclude with this powerful quote from another Daniel Gregory book, “The Creative License: Giving Yourself Permission to Be the Artist You Truly Are.” The title is pretty self-explanatory but one section in particular, titled “What Purify Your Gaze Inside the Recovery Community 24
Happens When you Stifle Creativity?” has been hugely impactful on me (and my recovery) and is what inspired me to write this article in the first place. Here’s an excerpt:
No matter which drug[s] we choose, they all serve one purpose: “to take us away from experiencing the here and now, from being in touch with our true nature” (p. 10).
The ability and the need to be creative are hard-wired into all of us...Yet an awful lot of people are able to suppress it...They jump to conclusions about themselves and their abilities and their obligations that they think will help them avoid conflict. They make certain choices that they think will prevent others from being disappointed, shocked, or angry. But deep inside them, a little ember flickers. That ember is their dream, the thing they could really like to do, if only...they lock that little spark in a big steel box, hoping to suffocate it once and for all...but the ember won’t go out...it gets hotter and the feeling turns to pain. So they reach for an anesthetic...
I remember reading and re-reading this passage of the book, realizing how stifling our creative nature plays a major role in acting out and seeking ‘anesthetics’. I’m not arguing (and neither is Gregory) that everyone is a visual artist. But I believe, and a number of PYG Community AIR challenges and posts indicate that all of us are creative by nature. Whether it’s photography, cooking, gardening, singing, poetry, etc., we all have the urge to create something beautiful. For some of us it has been realized and for others, it may still be suppressed.
(Gregory, 2006, p. 10) Gregory then lists some common ‘anesthetics’drugs, alcohol, TV, destructive behaviours, or in our case, pornography and sexually acting out. 25 Purify Your Gaze Inside the Recovery Community
Sobriety is a true gift Alhumdulillah and one of the greatest blessings for me is that it has solved the “problem” of how to remain an artist. I hope and pray Insha’Allah that regardless of where you are on your recovery journey, and whether or not you consider yourself an “artist”, you too will be inspired to discover and pursue whatever creative activities you find fulfilling.
Adventures In Recovery
Morning January 2015 Good morning! What does a good morning look like? Define it. Track 21 days of going through your good morning routine. Capture your morning routine on camera, and post it with a caption! Bonus: Watch the sunrise and write a reflection or poem about your experience.
Member’s Only This is the current AIR challenge Deadline: January 29th, 2015 Purify Your Gaze Inside the Recovery Community 26