WHY SHE DOESN’T WANT TO DATE YOU

A message dedicated to confused men in the world

BY RAMONA ROBERTS

To all the young men who feel that one girl just isn’t giving you a chance or refuses to take you seriously. For the men who want to know why they can’t get a text back, or answers to their 12 am facetime calls...This is for you.

I know most men like to describe women as complicated creatures. But on the contrary, we keep it pretty simple and very straightforward when it comes to what we want, expect and appreciate. A lot of times, when it comes to taking these men seriously, we just don’t have time for the bullsh*t. But let me not go too into detail about my opinion. Instead, I went to the people and came prepared to provide you with testimonies and receipts.

I had the opportunity to interview a variety of women (age range of 19-35) who are either in a relationship or single. Of this group of women, there were many similar statements and points explaining why they choose not to date or move forward with a guy. I narrowed it down to seven different themes: Drive, Approach, Effort, Communication, Consistency, Interest, and Respect. This article is not to bash men, but to educate them on how we feel and what we are thinking. Thank us later.

Drive: If you not tryna build with me, then I don’t want you.

“Some guys just come off that they aren’t about anything. Like no goals or just comfortable with bullsh*tting. I’m not talking about lack of education I’m talking about work ethic and willingness to hustle. Your drive and motivation is a must.” Jessica, 28, Single

“No ambition...I’m taking steps every day to better myself mentally, physically, financially, spiritually, but what are you doing? I’m just supposed to let you be around taking up space, giving you my time and good energy? Nahh.. lol I’m good.” Keturah, 22, Single

“I strongly believe that the company you surround yourself with matters. If I feel like the people around aren’t good influences then I am going to assume you partake in the same activities as them.” Anonymous

“If I ask you what are your short term goals and you say “ah you know what I’m saying.” IF YOU START WITH “AH YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING,” you’re about to lie and I’m not here for it. You need to have goals and aspirations for yourself. You need to believe in yourself. Even if you don’t believe in yourself all the time. Like we too grown to be talking about ‘oh I don’t know what I want to do.’ Bruh, figure it out.” Khrystina, 25, Single

“I’m hugely turned off by men that ask me for money. I don’t need you to take care of me because I’m self-sufficient, but what I WON’T DO is take care of you.” Danielle, 24, Single

Approach: Ayo, Ma!

“Anytime a guy makes me feel that I have to be ready to commit to him more, be ready to give him a certain amount of attention that I feel like I don’t owe him, then I’m turned off.” Adrienne, 25, Relationship

“I’m more of a personality person instead of a money/materialistic person so if you think just buying me things will get me easily, it’s a turn off. I’m looking for someone to build with.” Shalla, 23, Relationship

“The whole ‘when you gonna let me take you out’ is a big one because I want you to tell me. The approach is huge, so tell me what you’d like to do. Then I can answer with a ‘yes’ or ‘I’m not interested.’ But, have a plan. A huge turnoff is guys being grown males but not grown men. A man will lead with confidence and security and a woman will follow, honestly.” Danielle, Single

Effort: You tryna pull up to the crib?

“If a guy does want to meet up, come to me with some sort of plans, a date and time, SOMETHING that shows that you ACTUALLY want me to give you a chance, and not just pull up to yo crib for “Netflix and Chill.” I’m grown; I’m dating with purpose, not childishness.” Deiona, 27, Single

“What turns me off about dating a guy is when they assume that getting you is so easy. Men without intention are a nuisance. If you say you want me and all this, then show me. Actions have always spoken louder than words.” ShaMyra, Single

“If you’re too pressed too early to where you make me feel like you just want someone, or you just want a girlfriend you don’t even care if it’s me... you’re not even taking the time to get to know me. You just want to do things with me. It also goes back to people liking the ‘idea of you.’ People seeing you, what you look like on the outside, what you’re doing...rather than them getting to know you and finding out if they actually like you and the person that you are.” Ebony, 24, Single

“It’s honestly if the guy isn’t making time, it’s dead. Time is hugeeee for me - my life is constantly looking trying to beat it, fake out, or gain more of it while others are sleep. So because I’m always “on go,” when I dedicate my heart to a relationship, that time is still valuable. If I can make time in my day for you, you better be making time for me too. Shit must be reciprocated.” Jocelynn, 25, Single

Consistency: My fault… I was knocked

“Text messaging is not consistent communication to me, I text everybody, I text my mama every day. If you’re talking about getting to know me as a person, consistency requires a lot more communication than just a text message with a ‘WYD’.” Chloe, 25, Relationship

“Not keeping your word is a big turn off to me. So if you say that we’re going on a date and on the day off, I don’t hear from you, then you’re not a man of your word. Especially if we set up the day, time, and location.” Nicolette, 24, Relationship

“Ultimately, don’t ask for my time and then waste it. I do a fine job of that by myself at times I don’t need help in that department. If you are not looking for anything serious say that and let me decide if I’m with the shits or not. Honestly, if men were more upfront about what they wanted they’d be surprised at the reaction and responses of a woman...Just keep it 100!!” Emoney, 35, Single

“I’m not playing hard to get, it’s literally a matter of respect. If you don’t respect me enough to just check on me and my well being then there is nothing that’s going to transpire from that. Friendship is the most important thing or just having a good relationship with somebody. People get caught up in titles and everything but people miss the fundamentals or foundation of just communicating with people.” Rachel, 26, Complicated

Communication: “Hey babe, I’ll be busy today but I’ll text you later tonight.”

“I’m very observant— If I see that a guy has interests in other women, is not good at communicating (and has no plans to improve), I’m good. If I spend time with him and see a demonic side, I’m out. If I’m with him and my body is giving me signals of extreme nervousness and anxiety (body literally shaking), that’s a sign that he is not for me. Akilah

“If you don’t like her, tell her. Seriously, TELL ME WHAT’S UP. I’m gonna tell you if I’m not feeling you, or I don’t want to go out on another date, I’m going to tell you. Just like ‘yall have plenty of women to pursue, same thing goes for us, we not tripping.” Erin, 24, Single

“When texting, you have to develop a pattern. Like a rhythm between you and this person because according to their work schedule. If they don’t even establish a pattern, if they don’t establish a rhythm with me, then it’s over. It’s clipped. I’m not doing it.” Khrystina, 25, Single

“They make assumptions as to what we want. You don’t know what I want until you sit there and ask me what I want and I give you a valid response. So stop assuming what I want from you.” Ebony, 24, Single

“I need a man whose able to disagree with me or disagree with other people and still have a sense of understanding of what that other person is speaking or sharing...if you can’t understand where I’m coming from or not meet me in the middle or try to hear me or understand and feel me...or... don’t want to talk about it because they disagree, I be tf over it.” SynClaire, 24, single

“Don’t try and make a woman feel like she did something wrong and she’s crazy when she’s having a valid reaction...We can get emotional but don’t think our reaction isn’t valid! Take it seriously and at least process what I’m saying. Try to answer that and then we can have a conversation versus you just trying to blow it off or flipping it.” Erin, 24, Single

“I don’t like n*ggas who aren’t in touch with their own emotions. N*ggas love entertaining this rhetoric of “nah I’m not upset” but be damn near pouting. Nah n*gga, break those generational and institutional chains that you can’t feel and be candid with me.” Danielle, 24, Single

Interest: Do I even like you!?

“People I typically turn away are men I’ve been involved with in some from before. So, like, I’ll try to seriously talk to them at some point in life, they f*ck up, then they come back years later for another chance. I’m trying to be better about saying no to them.” Danielle, 24, Single

“It depends on the stage in my life where I am. I could just be in a stage where I just don’t want to date. There was a point in my life where I didn’t feel like entertaining, I didn’t feel like dating. Not that it was the guy, but I just wasn’t interested in the process. Because as soon as you meet a guy, of course, you gotta get to know him, learn what he likes, strengths, weaknesses, as he does with you, but there was a point where I just did not want to do that. Rachel, 26, Complicated

“I just don’t feel anything there. After the first date or second, I can usually tell how I am feeling about someone and if I’m not feeling the vibe it’s a dub. Like every relationship that I have been in has really just been spontaneous and I didn’t see it coming so I hate dating bc I feel like I’m seeking out to find someone. Like best believe everyone who I “gave a chance” to I already knew I didn’t like them and it didn’t work out.” Taylor, 24, Single

“As a believer, I think it’s important to be with a partner that shares the same values as you spiritually. My faith is an essential and crucial part of my daily life and if I don’t share that aspect with a prospective partner then it usually doesn’t get past the talking stage.” Anonymous

“Friendzone. Off rip, girls pretty much know if they would consider dating you...ever. People that be trying to hop outside the friendzone, stay your ass in the friend zone, I’m a friendly b*tch. I like friends, none of yall want to be my damn friend but if you’re in the friend zone, most likely you’re going to stay in that friend zone.” Ebony, 24, Single

“If I see any sign that you are a man who doesn’t know how to lead it’s a no. My overall goal is marriage, Godly submission, etc. so even if you aren’t my husband I still expect to learn and grow from our interaction. I don’t interact with men who aren’t ‘big enough’ to ‘cover me.’” Janelle, Single

”You’re a nice guy but you’re not nice for me. Your energy is good it’s positive but it just doesn’t mesh with mine. You have to be compatible as well...it’s nothing wrong with you or your energy or who you are, it just does not fit me, personally. Just like I might not be a man’s cup of tea.” Rachel, 26, Complicated

Respect: R-E-S-P-ECT

“If you don’t respect your mama, I don’t want you. If you have babies you don’t take care of, I don’t want you. If you a hotep a*s n*gga, I don’t want you. If you into the wave, men naturally cheat...I don’t want you.” Jessica, 28, Single

“I feel like if we are not seriously dating, we have an understanding we’re single and interested in other people and feeling people out if you lie to me about small sh*t I feel like you’re actually going to lie to me about more serious shit should we ever make it to a real relationship.” SynClaire, 24, Single

“Don’t wait until the last minute to ask me to go out, I have my own life and schedule.” Tiffany, 29, Relationship

“If I feel like a guy is only interested in one aspect of me [turn off]. Whether it just be for sex or in my case, being Greek. N*ggas really use to try to use their letters as a way in. Also, if I feel like they are all talk but no action behind their words.” Chanah, 24, Engaged

“If they refer to me as queen or princess, I will not date them. I am def pampered but we’re not gonna get sarcastic or poke fun about how I carry myself. It’s not a joke, it’s a lifestyle. Oh and lastly, that split the bill sh*t. Absolutely not. Oh and that, what do you bring to the table? I am the room, sir. We not dating.” Tremana, 30, Men Don’t deserve me

“If somebody talks about their ex like their the scum of the earth RUN AWAY! That basically means that they’re still the heart and they still haven’t addressed the situation with themselves or with somebody else and you don’t need that baggage. Watch how they talk about other people, and to themselves. If they bring themselves down all the time...we too grown for this sh*t.” Khrystina, 25, Single

Safe to say, take note.