Queen City Nerve - December 18, 2022

By Ryan Pitkin

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OUT IN FORCE

Potions & Pixels workforce development program wraps in Grier Heights

BY RYAN PITKIN

Standing in front of a table display featuring light fixtures and wiring in the Billingsville Elementary School gym in southeast Charlotte’s Grier Heights neighborhood on a December night, 24-year-old Tiaunjalae “Tee” Chancley beamed as she showed what she had learned during a 13-week workforce development program that had just wrapped up.

Even as she prepared to graduate from the program that night, she was still in a state of disbelief about the experience. The skeptical feelings she originally had about the program when she learned about it over the summer had gone away, but that didn’t make the experience any more believable, per se. In fact, if there was one word Chancley repeated most often during our conversation, it was “unbelievable.”

She told me she had come across flyers for the program — a partnership between the Charlotte Hornets, Lowe’s and local tech nonprofit Potions & Pixels — while working at the Food Lion in Grier Heights. The idea that someone would pay her to take part in workforce development was hard to believe.

“I seen it at first and I could not believe it,” she recalled on graduation night. “I left it alone for two weeks and then my girlfriend came to me with it like, ‘Let’s try to figure out if this is real.’ I applied and still when I did the interviews I was like, ‘Are you serious? You’re going to give us tools and pay us money to come to class?’ Just each day within the program over three months it’s still been unbelievable. Still now, unbelievable. All these people here now to see us? It’s unbelievable.”

The 13-week program is perhaps the most ambitious of all those that have made up the Legacy Project, a campaign originally launched by the Charlotte Hornets in 2016 that began with renovating neighborhood basketball courts and has now evolved into more in-depth community initiatives.

During the 13 weeks, students from the Grier Heights community learned fundamental, highdemand electrical skills in order to pursue careers in electrical construction via hands-on training led by EIG Electrical Systems.

When first approached by the Hornets and Lowe’s to help run the program, Potions & Pixels co-

founder Michael Zytkow had a reaction not unlike Chancley’s: skepticism.

“At first, I kind of wanted to pump the brakes because I was like, ‘Man, that’s so much work and, my style, I want to be really in-depth and be really intentional about how I put it all together.’ I’m like, ‘Hey, if we’re going to go forward with this, I’d really love to make this the dream project.’”

Zytkow met with representatives from Lowe’s and the Hornets Foundation, and brought with him a list of goals he’d like to see implemented to make that dream a reality: evening classes, tools supplied to students, free meals during classes, and a $15-anhour stipend for anyone who goes through the program. They agreed to all.

“I was like, ‘Well, damn, they’re definitely serious about this. They want to support it.”

Zytkow hit the streets of Grier Heights, setting a goal to visit every house and apartment in the neighborhood to let folks know about the opportunity, plus churches and other community hubs. He spent several hours each day for multiple weeks traversing the neighborhood over the summer, hitting the Food Lion, Grier Heights Presbyterian Church, the Grier Heights Community Center and anywhere else he thought he could reach residents.

The canvassing work came naturally to the former activist and Charlotte City Council candidate.

“It took me a long-ass time,” he said, laughing, “and it reminded me of running for office again. I lost some weight doing it and a lot of sweat for sure, but I literally knocked on every house and left thousands of flyers.”

By summer’s end, Zytkow had more than 100 applicants. He put them through a series of interviews — a phone interview followed by an inperson followed by a tour of Camp North End — just to gauge each applicant’s seriousness. In the end, he ended up with a class of 22.

Brittany Jordan, a 31-year-old Grier Heights resident and care connections specialist with Atrium Health, was the first person to sign up. By the time Zytkow made it to her door, she told him she had already signed up on the first day after receiving an

email and walking to the community center for an application. She was one of 19 class members who graduated on Dec. 15.

“It actually exceeded my expectations,” she told Queen City Nerve on graduation night. “I didn’t know what to expect, but from day one we just jumped right into it. From day one we did metal conduits, bending and cutting metal pipes, and it’s just been up from there.”

Jordan said she joined up because she wanted to learn to be a jack of all trades, but is now interested in a career using what she’s learned.

“I saw it as an opportunity to learn something new,” she said. “I didn’t really think much of it or think I would get this much out of it, but I’m glad I did. This was such a blessing for me, I love it, and I’m ready to start a career as a helper in the electrical industry.”

Most of the class members have already applied for jobs with EIG, which has committed to hiring at least five students from the program, as well as DPS Construction, a local contractor company that also lent its expertise to the workforce development program.

After a short break for the holidays, management at those two companies will begin to survey the job applicants and make decisions around hiring, though Zytkow said he’s confident that each one of the graduating students can get a job in the industry using the new skills they’ve learned.

He said he’s been in constant contact with each student since gradation. While he has plans for a six-month follow-up, the way that the team came

together throughout the program has convinced him that they will remain close long after that.

“We know we’re going to be in each other’s lives … I wanted to have a commitment to at least six months of structured follow up just to make sure that the job placement — the feedback that people will give from having work, and the challenges, the ups and downs of the whole process — that they have an opportunity to share that, but I think that camaraderie is going to be the thing that sticks with me the most,” he said.

“Just seeing people’s eyes light up when they put a light bulb together from scratch or wire something, and that feeling of empowerment where we really wanted to start the program off, where from the very first class, you have the tools in your hand and you’re doing things that let you know you can do all of this. It might seem like magic, but you can be that magician. You really can be the person that’s bringing these buildings and this infrastructure to life.”

Chancley said she has already applied to both EIG and DPS and hopes to hear back from both in January.

“Hopefully they can pick everybody [from the program],” she said. “Hopefully everybody can come together and everybody who was in the program can be an asset to them. I don’t know about everybody else, but I’m willing.”

And that’s how skepticism turns to belief.

RPITKIN@QCNERVE.COM

STUDENTS WORK WITH LIGHT FIXTURES DURING THE PROGRAM.

PHOTO BY GRANT BALDWIN

A GUIDE TO NEW YEAR’S EVE 2022

Hop right into the Year of the Rabbit

We’ve made it through another 12 months, and most everyone’s already checked out of work until 2023. There’s only one thing left to do. Well, scratch that, there are plenty of things to do.

*All events take place on New Year’s Eve, Dec. 31, 2022.

NEW YEAR’S EVE BRUNCH + BOTTLES

Fill up before New Year’s festivities with a hearty brunch from Katsu Kart and the release of two hefty imperial stouts to pair with it: Sins So Sweet Imperial Stout and Killing Moon Imperial Stout.

More: Free; 11 a.m.-2 p.m.; HopFly Brewing Co., 1327 S. Mint St.; tinyurl.com/HopFlyBrunch

NEW YEAR’S EVE PREGAME

Kickoff your NYE celebrations with a mimosa bar with fresh-pressed fruit juices, purees, and unique garnishes to go with $15 champagne bottles all day and free Krispy Kreme doughnuts for the first 200 guests.

More: Free; 11 a.m.-8 p.m.; Lenny Boy Brewing Co., 3000 S. Tryon St.; tinyurl.com/LennyBoyPregame

NEW YEAR’S EVE AT WINTERFEST

All the festivities offered at Carowinds Winterfest, but also throw in multiple countdowns through the night and a main countdown at midnight with fireworks. Plus live performances from Night Years and The Parks Brothers.

More: $33; 5 p.m.-12:30 a.m.; Carowinds, 14523 Carowinds Blvd.; carowinds.com

’70S/’80S/’90S NYE PARTY

Two options. One building. Downstairs: The Belfast Beggars acoustic band and Irish New Year countdown to 7 p.m. Upstairs: A DJ plays ’70s/’80s/’90s hits and counts down to midnight with a complimentary champagne toast.

More: Free; 6 p.m.; Rí Rá Charlotte, 208 N. Tryon St.; tinyurl.com/RiRaDecades

BLACK GIRL AESTHETIC ARTIST SHOWCASE

In acknowledging Black woman artists and their unique approaches to art, the Black Girl Aesthetic Artist Showcase highlights and celebrates radical emerging female Black arts-and-culture practitioners while generating an internetwork of Black woman artists and curating a space to unite the greater Charlotte community to these artists and their art. Event includes live performances, live art, dinner, drinks, vendors and giveaways.

More: $15 and up; 7-10 p.m.; Midwood International & Cultural Center, 1817 Central Ave., #215; tinyurl.com/BlackGirlAesthetic

NEW YEAR’S EVE AT COYOTE JOE’S

There shall be $1,200 in prizes, party favors, a champagne toast and Out of the Blue onstage.

More: $12; 7 p.m.; Coyote Joe’s, 4621 Wilkinson Blvd.; coyote-joes.com

SOMEWHAT RISQUE: A BURLESQUE TRIBUTE TO NINE INCH NAILS

Presented by The Flamingo Revue, this show features classic acts that you’ve enjoyed over the years and brand new performances created just for NYE ‘22.

More: $20-$30; 7 p.m.; The Milestone Club, 3400 Tuckaseegee Road ; tinyurl.com/SomewhatRisque

CLTNYE

Watch the crown drop at the city of Charlotte’s official celebration, with food trucks, a DJ, holiday activations and local band Mo’ Money.

More: Free; 8 p.m.; Levine Avenue of the Arts; uptowncharlotte.com

THE AVETT BROTHERS

The hometown heroes from Concord return for their annual N.C. New Year’s Eve show after performing in a virtual broadcast in 2020 and delaying last year’s show in Greensboro due to COVID concerns.

More: $60 and up; 8 p.m.; Bojangles Coliseum, 2700 E. Independence Blvd.; boplex.com

BACK TO THE FUTURE BASH

Uptown Charlotte’s ’80s and ’90s throwback bar includes two levels, multiple dance floors, four bars, a large outdoor patio and a retro arcade.

More: $30; 8 p.m.; Roxbury Nightclub, 116 W. 5th St.; freshtix.com/events/roxburynye22

NEW YEAR’S OH MY BASH

Live auction, a wrestling show, and drink specials through the night, all of which benefit the Greater Enrichment Program, which provides after-school programming to at-risk youth.

More: $20; 8 p.m.; Lenny Boy Brewing Co., 3000 S. Tryon St.; tinyurl.com/LennyBoyOhMy

More: $7; 8 p.m.; Petra’s, 1919 Commonwealth Ave.; petrasbar.com

NEW YEAR’S EVE BLACK & GOLD AFFAIR

Dress in your sexiest black-and-gold get-up while 105.3’s DJ HukHer and Olympia D host a live broadcast from the booth.

More: $40 and up; 9 p.m.; Vibrations Night Lounge, 5237 Albemarle Road; tinyurl.com/BlackGoldNYE

SU CASA’S NYE FÊTE

Charlotte’s longest running oasis for the culturally starved, Su Casa, hosts New Year’s Eve with DJ Bloc and Steelwheel playing your favorite Afrobeat, soca, reggae and more.

More: $20, 9 p.m.; Studio 229 at Brooklyn Collective, 229 S. Brevard St.; tinyurl.com/SuCasaNYE22

VICE

For the first 364 days of the year, we strive to keep our vices in check until, for one night, we let it all hang out and escape to a world of unbridled optimism and excess.

More: $30; 9 p.m.; Taboo Lounge, 710 W. Trade St., Suite H; VICENYEatTaboo.eventbrite.com

NYE HOUSE VIBRATIONS TAKEOVER

Sugar Society and Disco Donnie present this NYE House Vibrations takeover event featuring Chris Lorenzo and Lucati.

More: $55 and up; 9 p.m.; Black Box Theater, 421 E. Sugar Creek Road; tinyurl.com/SugarSociety

PEEKABOO

Dance your way into the new year with Peekaboo, a dubstep producer best known for launching his own style, known as freeform bass or space bass. That’s what Wikipedia says anyway, we don’t really know.

More: $33 and up; 9 p.m.; The Fillmore, 820 Hamilton St.; fillmorenc.com

CBA NEW YEAR PARTY

THE JAM COOPERATIVE NEW YEARS

EVE JAM

Grateful Dead cover band The Jam Cooperative plays us out of 2022, with some special guests and other festivities planned throughout the evening.

More: Free; 8 p.m.; Smokey Joe’s Cafe & Bar, 510 Briar Creek Road; facebook.com/sjc.bar.on.briarcreek

NEW YEAR’S EVE AT PETRA’S

This genre-defying lineup includes Sinners & Saints, Indigo Jo, Probably Will and Cosmic Collective, whom you can read more about on page 8.

The Charlotte Bluegrass Allstars play through the night with a champagne toast at midnight.

More: Free; 9:30 p.m.; Thomas Street Tavern, 1218 Thomas Ave.; tinyurl.com/CBANewYear

DEEP FRIED DISCO

Dance into the new year with vibes from your hosts That Guy Smitty and VonFunkHauser with special guests Charles Gatling, Steve Howerton and Oba Shanti.

More: $10; 10 p.m.; Snug Harbor, 1228 Gordon St.; snugrock.com

CLTNYE 2021 COURTESY OF CHARLOTTE CENTER CITY PARTNERS

WEDNESDAY NIGHT LIVE: KWANZAA

CELEBRATION

Patterned on African harvest festivals, Kwanzaa takes its name from the Swahili phrase “matunda ya kwanza,” which means “first fruits.” The holiday, which runs from Dec. 26–Jan. 1, was launched in 1966 by American Black activist and teacher Maulana Karenga, who centered it on seven principles. The Gantt Center’s celebration focuses on the principle of Ujima, which revolves around sharing struggles and duties as a community, with collective art-making from Kimberly Turner, owner of Elizabeth In Pearls; dance and play powered by Drums 4 Life; and a session about Kwanzaa’s history with Kwanzaa Charlotte.

More: Free; Dec. 28, 6:30 p.m.; Harvey B. Gantt Center, 551 S. Tryon St.; ganttcenter.org

JAZZ @ THE GANTT: LEE ODUM

QUARTET

The fourth of a monthly music series featuring modern jazz musicians from New York City, Jazz @ The Gantt spotlights woodwinds player Lee Odum. Newton native Odom was transfixed by music after seeing her grandparents’ gospel group perform. After playing clarinet in middle school, high school and at Appalachian State University, Odum moved to New York City, where she played with the city’s jazz titans, honed her improv and performance skills and picked up the saxophone. The New York Times describes her playing as “prayerful and ever searching.”

More: $65; Dec. 29-30, 6 & 8:30 p.m.; Harvey B. Gantt Center, 551 S. Tryon St.; ganttcenter.org

MARTEL’S MOVIE MADNESS NEW YEAR’S EVE EVE CELEBRATION

“People always want movies to have a reason for the events to be taking place … but life is random sometimes, so why can’t movies be?” These words of wisdom from actor and filmmaker Ryan Martel (he/they/she) encapsulates their anarchic outlook towards movies. Having directed films such as Martel’s Movie Madness: The Movie, which you can stream courtesy of legendary trash cineaste studio Troma (The Toxic Avenger), Martel often screens creations by local directors along with other unique finds. The entire inspired enterprise seems to be based on expecting the unexpected.

More: Donations encouraged; Dec. 30, 7 p.m.; VisArt Video, 3104 Eastway Drive; visartvideo.org

CINE CASUAL FILM SCREENING: ‘THE MAGIC KITE’

Rosalia Torres-Weiner’s short film The Magic Kite traces its origin to the artist’s Papalote Project, a program in which Torres-Weiner encouraged the children to express emotions about losing one or both parents to deportation through the creation of colorful kites. The project spawned an art installation, which then inspired a storybook adaptation, a stage play based on the book, a traveling puppet show version of the play and finally this film adaptation. All are centered on the image of a boy unfurling a kite to release the sorrow of losing a parent.

More: Free; Jan. 4, 6:30 p.m.; Mint Museum Uptown, 500 S. Tryon St.; mintmuseum.org

JAZZ AT THE BECHTLER: ORIGINAL MUSIC BY ZIAD

Since its inception in 2010, Jazz at the Bechtler, led by Ziad Rabie and anchored by the Ziad Jazz Quartet, has focused on mid-century jazz showcasing local, regional, and national musicians performing arrangements by legendary jazz artists. For the first time, Jazz at the Bechtler kicks off the new year with “A Night of Original Music by Ziad Rabie.” Acclaimed saxophonist and Jazz at the Bechtler artistic director Ziad performs seven of his original compositions, accompanied by drummer Kobie Watkins, pianist Lovell Bradford and bassist Ron Brendle.

More: $16-$20; Jan. 6, 6 & 8:15 p.m.; Bechtler Museum of Modern Art, 420 S. Tryon St.; bechtler.org

TRIANGLE AFROBEAT ORCHESTRA, QUISOL, ICH

Snug Harbor presents a bill of performers who marry insistent grooves to devotion to community. Led by bassist/composer Vattel Cherry, Triangle Afrobeat Orchestra takes its sonic cues from the polyrhythmic, hypnotic grooves of Afrobeat pioneers Fela Kuti and Tony Allen, then crosses that template with the passion of Nina Simone. Proudly queer pop dynamo Quisol harnesses alt-R&B, electro, soul and unconventional melodies to topics ranging from social movements to personal concerns. Explosive Latin jazz-tinged punk is the domain of ICH, a solo project by Zeta frontman Juan Ricardo Yilo, aka Juan Chi. More: $10; Jan. 6, 9:30 p.m.; Snug Harbor, 1228 Gordon St.; snugrock.com

TWELFTH NIGHT: SPIRITS OF THE SEASON

The Charlotte Museum of History’s annual Twelfth Night returns. This year’s theme, Spirits of the Season, emphasizes North Carolina’s long history of distilling and brewing while detailing how secret stills and fast cars shaped the Charlotte region’s profile and economy. The festivities include tastings from local distillers and brewers, themed tours of the 1774 homesite, live music, and a featured lecture about moonshine and bootlegging delivered by author Daniel Pierce. Pierce’s excellent book, Tar Heel Lightnin’, weaves folklore, pop culture, and changing laws to tell the real story of moonshine. More: $10-$35; Jan. 7, 6 p.m.; Charlotte Museum of History; 3500 Shamrock Drive; charlottemuseum.org

CHRISTY SNOW BAND

Ordained minister, activist and legendary Charlotte singer/songwriter Christy Snow launched her music career in 1991, with acoustic tunes that spread a life-affirming message about respecting all beings. Thirty-two years later, Snow enters a new stage of music-making with the electric and rocking Christy Snow Band. The all-female band includes Doubting Thomas members Gina Stewart and Brenda Gambill on bass, harmonica and violin, along with guitarist Kim Niption and drummer Rochelle Coatney. The music benefits from all members contributing to the songwriting, while the players add a scalpel-sharp edge to Snow’s innate compassion.

More: $12-$15; Jan. 7, 7:30 p.m.; Evening Muse, 3227 N. Davidson St.; eveningmuse.com

A SOLDIER’S PLAY

Forty years after it won the 1982 Pulitzer Prize, A Soldier’s Play once again grabbed the spotlight with a Tony-winning Broadway debut in 2020. A murder mystery set on a segregated Army base in 1944 Louisiana, the show works as both a tense thriller and a compelling character study. A Black officer arrives at the remote base to investigate the murder of a Black sergeant, a man whose internalized racism posed a threat to the Black soldiers in his charge. This ever-timely revival grapples with questions about sacrifice, service, and identity in America.

More: $25 and up; Jan. 10-15, 7:30 p.m.; Knight Theater, 430 S. Tryon St.; blumenthalarts.org

GEOFF TATE

When Queensrÿche burst upon the metal scene in the 1980s, the Seattle band was a breath of fresh air in a field dominated by derivative pop metal. Queensrÿche cut loose from the pack with highly technical twin guitar pyrotechnics and co-founder Geoff Tate’s operatic vocals which dialed up the pomp and precision of Queen’s Freddie Mercury. When the band split acrimoniously in 2012, Tate embarked on a solo career that balances the progressive metal of his old band with a mix of modern pop rock styles and ambitious lyrics excoriating shady practices by the finance sector.

More: $27-$40; Jan. 10, 8 p.m.; Neighborhood Theatre, 511 E. 36th St.; neighborhoodtheatre.com

ZIAD RABIE AND HIS JAZZ QUARTET

Photo by Andy Goh 1/6

ROSALIA TORRES-WEINER

Photo by Brandon Weiner 1/4

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 28

ROCK/PUNK/METAL

Lucky 5 (Evening Muse)

FUNK/JAM BANDS

House of Funk (Middle C Jazz)

EXPERIMENTAL/CROSS-GENRE

Quinn Rash w/ Headkicker, Comino, DJ Fat Keith Richards (Snug Harbor)

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 29

JAZZ/BLUES

5th & York (Middle C Jazz)

COUNTRY/FOLK/AMERICANA

Tania Elizabeth (Neighborhood Theatre)

POP/DANCE/ELECTRONIC/DJ

Mordaga w/ Adam Cope, Mauve Angeles (Snug Harbor)

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 30

ROCK/PUNK/METAL

Coconut Groove plays Steely Dan (Middle C Jazz)

Thrill and The Doughboys w/ Zach Sincyr (The Rooster)

HIP-HOP/SOUL/R&B

Yung Berg, Lavey, ZooZoo, ACG, T-Woo, Leakavelli, Alabama

Dragonfly (The Milestone)

POP/DANCE/ELECTRONIC/DJ

Shadow Play (Crown Station)

Boy A/C, DJ Shrimp, DJ NPC, Lon Lon Rancher (Petra’s)

EXPERIMENTAL/CROSS-GENRE

Larry & Joe w/ La Brava, Coughing Dove (Snug Harbor)

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 31

ROCK/PUNK/METAL

The Stews w/ Easy Honey (Amos’ Southend)

Hunter’s Travesty (Comet Grill)

JAZZ/BLUES

The Voltage Brothers (Middle C Jazz)

COUNTRY/FOLK/AMERICA

The Avett Brothers (Bojangles Coliseum)

Out of the Blue (Coyote Joe’s)

POP/DANCE/ELECTRONIC/DJ

Peekaboo (The Fillmore)

Deep Fried Disco NYE (Snug Harbor)

FUNK/JAM BANDS

Sun-Dried Vibes w/ Dale & the ZDubs, Sons of Paradise (Visulite Theatre)

EXPERIMENTAL/CROSS-GENRE

Sinners & Saints, Cosmic Collective, Indigo Jo, Probably Will (Petra’s)

Blind Fury w/ T-Kief (The Rooster)

SUNDAY, JANUARY 1

ROCK/PUNK/METAL

The Stews w/ Easy Honey (Amos’ Southend)

TUESDAY, JANUARY 3

HIP-HOP/SOUL/R&B

Wish Master w/ Jupiter May (The Rooster)

FUNK/JAM BANDS

Cosmic Funk Jam (Crown Station)

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 4

ROCK/PUNK/METAL

Woody w/ Wet Basement Project (Snug Harbor)

OPEN MIC

Tosco Music Open Mic (Evening Muse)

THURSDAY, JANUARY 5

JAZZ/BLUES

Queens Court (Middle C Jazz)

COUNTRY/FOLK/AMERICANA

NC Bluegrass Jam Night (Birdsong Brewing)

SINGER-SONGWRITER/ACOUSTIC

Phaze Gawd w/ Jooselord, Verbal Van Gogh (Snug Harbor)

FRIDAY, JANUARY 6

ROCK/PUNK/METAL

C.I.Ape w/ Beauty, Youngdeathgod, Cosmic Hillbilly Experience (The Milestone)

Mason Pace w/Felspar, Caffeine Daydream, Kiss It Make It Better (Skylark Social Club)

The Deep Shallow Band w/ Matone (Visulite Theatre)

HIP-HOP/SOUL/R&B

Te’Jani w/ VEAUX (Evening Muse)

JAZZ/BLUES

Terence Young (Middle C Jazz)

COUNTRY/FOLK/AMERICANA

Bailey Zimmerman (Coyote Joe’s)

POP/DANCE/ELECTRONIC/DJ

Triangle Afrobeat Orchestra w/ Quisol, ICH (Snug Harbor)

SUNDAY, JANUARY 7

ROCK/PUNK/METAL

American Theory, Great Wide Nothing, Regence, Neptune Flyer, Earth That Was (The Milestone)

Modern Alibi w/ Dovecage (Neighborhood Theatre)

Shot Thru the Heart (Bon Jovi tribute) (Amos’ Southend)

HIP-HOP/SOUL/R&B

Cuzo Key w/ Autumn Rainwater, Makeda Iroquois, Belmont Jon (Snug Harbor)

JAZZ/BLUES

Willie Bradley (Middle C Jazz)

COUNTRY/FOLK/AMERICANA

Christy Snow Band w/ Kevin Marshall Band (Evening Muse)

POP/DANCE/ELECTRONIC/DJ

Hazy Sunday (Petra’s)

FUNK/JAM BANDS

Dr. D & Company (The Rooster)

MONDAY, JANUARY 8

ROCK/PUNK/METAL

Daisy Lace w/ Scrlett, Prom, Physical Digital (The Milestone)

JAZZ/BLUES

Woody Wood w/ Blues Deluxe Band (Neighborhood Theatre)

The Bill Hanna Legacy Jazz Session (Petra’s)

COUNTRY/FOLK/AMERICANA

Dixie Revival (The Rooster)

TUESDAY, JANUARY 9

FUNK/JAM BANDS

Cosmic Funk Jam (Crown Station)

MUSIC FEATURE

SPACED OUT MUSIC

Cosmic Collective blasts off for new frontiers

BY PAT MORAN

Tyler Enslow’s pliable bass crab-walks through a dense thicket of stuttering percussion, gritty wheels of static, UFO sound effects and a distant chiming anvil. It’s just the opening minutes of the title track of Cosmic Collective’s latest EP Exfoliate, which dropped in August 2022, and already this listener is experiencing a playful spatial/temporal shift — the musical equivalent of having the rug pulled out from under you to reveal that you’re floating in zero gravity.

Then Nikki Enslow’s bright, warm and feathered vocal sails nonchalantly by, tying up the tune’s space-age oneiric atmosphere in a bow. She bears a message that has the brevity, if not the paradox, of a Buddhist koan:

“Feels so good to feel okay/Heals my soul to feel this way...”

A similar sense of joyous agency is present in an earlier tune, “Gaslight,” the title track off another EP Cosmic Collective released in June 2022. Here, light sparkling keyboards part like a bejeweled and beaded curtain to reveal Enslow’s soothing yet determined pushback against the current climate of confidence-busting confusion and erosion of humane behavior.

“Stop gaslighting me/I’m supposed to be happy/ Don’t gaslight me/I just want to be happy...”

Though Nikki and her husband, Tyler, write all their original material, they don’t claim to be the sole creators of their band’s music. As a result, Cosmic Collective shares the joy of creation with a body of musical collaborators.

“We call [the band] Cosmic Collective, because it always felt like a collective of musicians,” says Tyler. Since the band was formed in 2015, up to three or four additional musicians have been added to augment the core duo. Players then have been changed-out based on availability. Tyler says each auxiliary player has always been considered more than just a fill-in or a hired gun.

‘[Each of] the members influence the sound differently,” Tyler says. “The songs are constantly growing and evolving as each person adds their

own touch to it. [The songs] feel like a combination of everybody’s spirit.”

Therefore, all musicians who record or take the stage with Cosmic Collective are part of the creative process, the Enslows say, and that process can produce music that goes pretty far afield.

Although the Enslows met while both were studying jazz in college, they do not consider the sound they make as Cosmic Collective to be strictly jazz. Instead, the band is invested in the art of improvisation, Nikki says, which gives the music a jazz feel.

“We have the [jazz] forms, and we’re playing with the forms every time,” Tyler says. Because of this, the couple hasn’t found the best word to describe their music.

“’Junk’ might be the best word,” Tyler says with a laugh, “because it’s like jazz and funk.” He feels that Cosmic Collective is a perfect fit for the amorphous “something for everyone” category.

“We’re always trying to be in the moment,” Tyler says. “We’d like to take risks with everybody in the room.”

Like Australian alternative R&B band Hiatus Kaiyote, or Anglo-French avant-garde pop group Stereolab, Cosmic Collective molds their jazz influences with R&B, and hip-hop, creating startling configurations. At the same time, the Enslows throw a nostalgic nod to the spirited and sparring jazz standards performed by jazz masters like Sarah Vaughan.

Listening to Cosmic Collective is like hearing a post-modern rendition of “Baby it’s Cold Outside,” where “outside” can be the cold vacuum of retrofuturist outer space, or the nebulae of thoughts, dreams and emotions that comprise our inner being. The point is that either interpretation can be both playful and escapist, as well as empowering and focused on real-life concerns.

Maybe each message conveyed by the Enslows really is as paradoxical as a koan.

Nikki says the band’s last two records, the EPs Gaslight and Exfoliate, were written about what was

happening in the Enslow’s lives.

“Everybody knows about getting gaslighted now,” Tyler says. “[The music] was us crying out about what was going on in our lives, hoping other people could feel the release through music that we felt when we recorded it.”

Both EPs tackled growing pains, leaving toxicity behind for a better situation and the notion that personal growth is never easy and may bear many thorns. The song “Exfoliate” specifically deals with a serious skin disorder that at several points left Tyler bedridden and unable to move.

“His skin would get super-hard, and then all fall off daily,” Nikki says. During a period of remission, the couple seized the moment to get married. They scrapped their traditional wedding plans, and instead eloped to Las Vegas where an Elvis Presley impersonator presided over their nuptials.

“We don’t even really like Elvis music [that much],” Nikki says, “but it was so goofy we had to do it.”

Two years after the onset of topical steroid withdrawal (TSW), a condition Nikki says is growing more common due to over-prescription of steroid creams, Tyler is now functioning at around 90% capacity, which explains the first vocals on the tune “Exfoliate” : “Feels so good to feel okay...”

NIKKI ENSLOW (LEFT) AND TYLER ENSLOW (RIGHT) OF COSMIC COLLECTIVE.

PHOTO BY RYAN BELL

MUSIC FEATURE

From a gathering of explorers to a pair of motherly arms

Growing up in Miami, Nikki was drawn to the sounds she heard from her musical grandparents, parents and siblings, inspired to eventually make music of her own. She began singing.

Around the same time, Tyler was growing up with his musical family in Baltimore. His father played guitar in a local blues band. One day, Tyler saw one of the other band member’s sons playing bass guitar. Tyler decided at age 10 that playing bass is what he wanted to do with his life.

“My dad said that if I played bass, instead of guitar, I would have more playing opportunities,” Tyler says.

Tyler and Nikki met at Middle Tennessee State University in Murfreesboro, Tennessee, where both studied jazz — Tyler with an emphasis on bass and Nikki with an emphasis on voice. Nikki, who is now 29, was a year ahead of Tyler, who is now 26. They started dating a few months after the start of the semester. Both befriended drummer Jed Smith, and with Smith they formed the first iteration of Cosmic Collective, which recorded the band’s debut LP Abstract Notions, released in 2014.

Nowadays, the album is no longer posted anywhere online. Nikki says the pair took it down because it no longer reflects the band’s brand and style.

“That was our first time ever making a record,” Tyler says. “A lot of the decisions that we made were not the ones that we’d make now.”

“It doesn’t feel like us,” Nikki offers.

After graduation, Tyler and Nikki moved to Nashville and launched Cosmic Collective in earnest. The band released a self-titled LP with legendary Nashville-based musician, producer, composer, and arranger Jon Estes in 2019.

“[Estes] remains a mentor to both of us and our music,” Nikki says.

By 2021, various configuration of Cosmic Collective had played clubs like Rudy’s Jazz Club, taken the stage at Murfreesboro Main Street Jazz Festival, and gigged as far afield as Indiana and Mackinac Island. Despite these accomplishments, it was time for Cosmic Collective to move on.

“Nashville was a great place for us to get better,” Tyler says. “[The city] felt like an egg. We played with world-class musicians, and … that brought us up a lot of levels.”

However, if you’re not playing music that the tourists

want to hear, there are not that many opportunities to make money playing original music in Nashville’s super-saturated market, he says. With more musicians moving to the city every day, willing to play gigs for less money, no money at all, or even offering to pay to play, the writing was on the wall for Tyler and Nikki.

“Staying in that city wasn’t sustainable anymore,” says Tyler. He notes that Nashville crowds are mostly tourists, seasoned with some local musicians. Playing for tourists yielded no permanent fans, while musicians tended to analyze their fellow players and not enjoy the music.

“When we moved to Charlotte, [we] started playing for people who just really loved music,” Tyler says. “That’s a different experience.”

Before leaving Nashville in mid-2021, Cosmic Collective rush-released some music recorded live, the Afraid to Die EP and Internet Dump., a soundtrack compilation of videos the band had been posting on Instagram and YouTube every week during the COVID pandemic.

Also during the pandemic, Nikki devoted herself to learning to play the piano. Keyboard parts heard on subsequent Cosmic Collective releases are hers, though Tyler also plays some.

Nikki says moving to Charlotte has allowed the band to build a concrete following in a new hometown city. That process began when Cosmic Collective started playing an eclectic assortment of gigs in the Queen City, to get their music before as many people as possible.

“We said, ‘Let’s just book every place possible just to play, meet people and get people knowing our names,’” Tyler says. “It worked out really well.”

Cosmic Collective also revived a Tuesday night jazz jam the band had hosted in Nashville, but this time the event evolved into an all-inclusive free form jam. After the band outgrew Petty Thieves Brewing, the session moved to Crown Station.

“Now, the jam is crazy every week,” Tyler says. “It’s become a weekly gathering for many local musicians to play music and hang.”

Through the jam sessions and word of mouth, Cosmic Collective began to get in contact with a shifting cadre of Queen City musicians who sit in with Tyler and Nikki to become rotating band members.

As the Enslows settled into life in Charlotte, they began to sense changes in their musical influences.

“When I first got into songwriting, I was inspired by traditional jazz artists such as Sarah Vaughan,” Nikki says. In the last couple years, ever since she started playing piano, Nikki has been galvanized by artists like Herbie Hancock, Weather Report and Moonchild.

“It’s a melting pot of inspiration and influence.”

In his evolving approach to the Collective, Tyler turns to less-musical figures like comedian Eric André for inspiration.

“The Eric André Show made me reconsider everything,” he says.

Tyler cites André’s ruthless clowning of celebrities and the show’s avant-garde editing as points of interest. He also cites the Enslows’ cat Stella as an inspiration.

“Her unconditional love and warmth are life fuel for us,” he says. “She is usually sitting on my lap when I am mixing or working on music, which helps me infuse the music with that same feeling of love and warmth.”

Also, around this time, Nikki and Tyler became the Enslows, saying their vows in front of an ersatz Las Vegas Elvis in December 2021.

As Cosmic Collective prepares to blast off into 2023 with a New Year’s Eve celebration at Petra’s, where Cosmic Collective will include drummer Trey Tarzia and trumpet player Jeremy Durgeon, Nikki and Tyler assess what each member of the core duo brings to the Collective’s musical exploration.

“[Nikki] doesn’t think about music conventionally ... and plays and writes with feeling first,” Tyler says. “She means every note she plays, and has a beautiful and unique voice that can shine in complex or simple contexts.”

For her part, Nikki appreciates Tyler’s talent for writing beautiful harmonies and melodies.

“His playing carries endless powerful musical intention, making every song and performance incredible,” she says. “He’s the musical sherpa onstage, guiding the group through the unknown.”

Both these talents are quick to acknowledge their collaborators, like frequent Charlotte drummer Mark Clark, who plays with the band at Visulite on Feb. 11. As for the upcoming NYE gig at Petra’s, Nikki hopes audiences experience a Cosmic Collective show as a kind of spiritual encounter.

“I hope they take away … something they can relate to, something that makes them feel some kind of emotion — happiness, sadness, whatever they’re dealing with … that our music … helps them cope with,” she says.

Tyler employs a tactile metaphor to describe his hoped-for reaction to a musical expedition launched by the Cosmic Collective.

“I hope [audiences] feel giant motherly arms come down and cradle them up, kiss them on the forehead and say, ‘There’s more than you could possibly understand,’” he says. “Then [the arms] cradle them a little bit more and send them back on their way.”

PMORAN@QCNERVE.COM

ANYTHING BUT COMMON

Blake Barnes celebrates 20 years of business at Common Market Plaza Midwood

BY RYAN PITKIN

It was with little fanfare that Blake Barnes rang in the 20th birthday of his business, Common Market’s original Plaza Midwood location, on Dec. 8. Despite the low-key celebration that day — a new beer release from Petty Thieves Brewing, an updated beer vixen logo rendition from local artist Hayley Moran, a heartfelt Facebook post from the founder — there was much for Barnes to be proud of.

After all, Dec. 8 didn’t just mark 20 years in business, it marked 7,306 consecutive days that Common Market has been open for business, never closing for a day since Dec. 8, 2002, when Barnes decided he’d open up his new shop so as to escape the cold of his own home down the street.

Then just a couple weeks after the anniversary, on Christmas Eve 2022, Barnes’ streak came into jeopardy as Duke Energy’s rolling blackouts hit his store and the power was shut off. So what did he do? He saged the place, put up a “Cash Only” sign and opened up in the dark.

Queen City Nerve spoke with Barnes following the 20-year milestone to talk about how far he’s come and where he plans to go, as he remains one of the last remaining originals in a quickly changing neighborhood.

Queen City Nerve: What were you doing before you opened Common Market in 2002?

Blake Barnes: Well, I’m a retired musician. I always say semi-retired, but one thing that I used to do when I went to every town, I looked for something really true to that city, you know what I mean? Or something really indigenous to it. I worked at a place Laurel Market off of Cherokee [Road]. I just started working there at night, and I was like, “You know, this is kind of in my blood.”

When I first started [Common Market], it was more of just a deli, but then I was like, what if we start flipping in really weird chips and beers and

stuff like that, which kind of changed that whole thing. But then I realized the flaw to it was you can’t drink on premise.

I was building out my own store, basically, and Ron Hardman, the guy that owns Laurel Market, he was supposed to be my partner, but he backed out kind of at the last minute, and I don’t blame him, but at the time it made me nervous because I had never run my own business before.

So then I just set up, did the best I could, and, you know, Plaza Midwood was way different 20 years ago. Way different. They called behind my building Hepatitis Alley because that’s where everybody went to shoot up, and I didn’t even know it.

I lived right down the street, and it just kind of started off really as a convenience store was more my thought process. But I got a by-the-glass [alcohol permit] because back in the days, you got a better price on wine and beer if you had an onpremise license. That’s the only reason why I did it.

But there was a snowstorm about 2003-2004 somewhere, I can’t remember exactly when, and this guy came walking up there because I’m open every day. I mean, I have been open every single day. And I walked up there because I really couldn’t drive, and he was like, “Man, do you mind if I just drink one of these beers while I’m here?” And I was like, yeah, I guess so. And then I was like, “Why don’t I do that more often?” That’s kind of how that whole thing started.

So I kind of had my feet in a little bit, and I was so under-capitalized, I mean, I had no idea what I was doing. But I just kept fledgling along, moved a little bit further, a little further. I also started realizing I needed to listen to my customers, because back in those days, I had a few hipsters, but it was mostly extremely working class, which got me started in the PBR world, and it just kind of grew from there. And then I was a spillover for the old Penguin. Like when

they filled up, then people would come see me — that and Thomas Street [Tavern]. So that was back in the day, we [Plaza Midwood business owners] were all old musicians, everybody knew each other. It was much more like it was five years ago, if you will, and they all decided not to sell cigarettes because I was selling cigarettes, and that’s what really created that walk-in traffic. So oddly enough, it was beer and tobacco (laughs). I always say I built my empire on tallboy PBRs and loose cigarettes.

Is there anything specific that you remember from that first day, December 8, 2002, that sticks with you?

Yes, it was actually a huge ice storm that day. And my wife [Cress Barnes] was extremely pregnant with my second child. We didn’t have heat at our house, we were just four blocks down on Commonwealth Avenue, but we did have heat at the store. So we were like, “Well, I guess today is just as good as any day to open up.”

I had just a little bit of tobacco, some Pabst Blue Ribbon, just a little bit of inventory. I had some old wine that I bought from a distributor that went out of business, and I remember we opened up and people just trickled in. I think I had maybe 16 customers the first day. It was ridiculously slow, but we were warm. And I was also only paying $6 a square foot in rent. Because it was a much different time, nobody wanted to be over there. I was just a little behind The Penguin, Dish opened a little behind me, we all kind of opened at the same time. And I remember thinking, “What the hell was I thinking?” Every day I was like, “I don’t know if I can keep going with this mess.” But it just, each day got a little bigger, a little better, and we just moved on from there.

What were some of the earliest obstacles and lessons that you learned?

I got broken into nonstop. I was constantly getting broken into. I think we got broken into like eight times — luckily never robbed. So I finally broke down and put up metal things across the front so people couldn’t get in anymore. And I remember that was kind of where things started getting a little better.

Common Market is anything but what the name implies. From inventory to events to clientele, it’s an eccentric place. Would you say your past as a musician drives that creativity?

Yeah, I think it was that. I remember before I even worked at Laurel Market, I worked for a company putting up party rental tents and tables and chairs. And I remember this guy that I was working with, he was the owner, I remember him saying, “You know Blake, you can be creative with things other than music.” And I’m like 30 years old, making $50 a gig, thinking I’m a rock star, right? And I was just like, “Whatever, old man.” But then what this is, is almost like my creative take on what a neighborhood store should be.

And the big thing is I listened to my customers. They told me everything I needed to do. The biggest turning point other than just being open every day — once people grasp that I’m always there, that helped a lot — but when Trader Joe’s moved into Charlotte and wine was a big seller for me, I knew that was going to cut [into my sales]; there’s no way I could compete with 3 Buck Chuck. And I knew my customers were going to go there because a lot of them like the whole foods. So that’s when I decided, just like, well, you can drink on premise, and I put in a two-tap keg box, and it started there, and then it

BLAKE BARNES (FRONT CENTER) WITH STAFF AT COMMON MARKET PLAZA MID WOOD. PHOTO BY GRANT BALDWIN

just grew all the way to where I got 20 taps going now. And I was willing to carry the more obscure beers, wines, products that people wanted.

I remember Stacey Leazer, he’s played in bands forever, he came in and he used to tour with his band in California. He was like, “Dude, I had this stuff in California called kombucha. It’s like a tea made out of a fermented mushroom.” And I was like, “I’ll try and bring it in.” And then one of our other customers was like, “Damn, I wish you had this flavor.” And the next thing you know, now I’ve got a whole door just dedicated to different kombuchas and stuff like that. And I constantly seem to be slightly ahead of the curve because someone from out of town would ask

really wasn’t in Charlotte that much. That helped a lot. And then I’ve had a lot of creative people work in my kitchen where, I mean, I stay with the basic formula, but I’m like, “Go ahead and make some signature sandwiches. Let’s try some new stuff.” And it would just kind of evolve from there.

And again, customers were asking for vegan food and I didn’t even know what a vegan was, I’ll be honest with you. So, Bridgett Wyatt is the lady that was working with me in my kitchen at the time. She was a vegan. We jumped off into the vegan world and this would have been about 2004. So way before the curve. And so then we were like, “Well, what in the world is gluten-free?” Again, one of those things. So we offered that. Then that became a huge draw. There were not a lot of vegetarian restaurants in Charlotte — definitely not gluten-free.

collar, then I moved into the gutter punk, then I moved into more of an artsy fartsy type thing, and then it moved back into the bicycle crowd, and now it’s definitely moved more millennial professionals. But I knew in South End when I was there, that’s how that whole thing started moving. So I learned how to shift everything as far as I’ve become more of a convenience store again than I used to be. But that’s also because I haven’t been having events and stuff like that. So what I’ve done is I am cutting against the grain just by not moving into that higher end, super flashy stuff; I’ve just stayed true to what I’ve done throughout the whole time.

I do know that the more millennial crowd, it’s just like it’s always been, they kind of like to come and look at the weirdos, which I still have (laughs). We were in the Nerve’s Best in the Nest, we got Best Place to People Watch, and we beat Freedom Park. That’s saying something. Even though my neighborhood has changed, and there’s a lot of smack talking about Plaza Midwood and all this, but I have learned to evolve with the world and just play the hand that’s given me, you know what I mean? So who knows where it’s going to go.

What are your plans for 2023?

Well, I used to do big, heavy punk bands and all kinds of crazy stuff to where now as I’m moving into next year I’m going to do more kind of cultural type things. Like I’ve been working with the International House and each month we have a country that we kind of represent and then people from that country, or an Arabic Center or something like that, will come in, they bring a few little foods and stuff like that so customers can talk to them ... and then I kick back and donate either to International House or to that specific organization. Because I’ve been blessed, things have really worked, so I love cutting stuff back into the neighborhood and whatnot.

me for something and then I’d find it. And I think that was the biggest key is really, unlike a lot of businesses that come in with such a hardcore plan of action, because I didn’t really know what I was doing, I started listening to my customers, and that’s what made the biggest change.

As much as you have a reputation for all those other things you’ve mentioned, the sandwiches have always been a big draw. How did you ensure that Common Market remains consistent as one of the top sandwich shops in Charlotte?

Well, a lot of that is I’ve just stayed the course. I didn’t start getting flashy. I stayed in my lane, if that makes sense. And I was one of the few guys using Boar’s Head meat because it is more expensive. But my thinking was, it’s a higher quality product, it

Everybody knew. But the consistency has stayed with us. We make them the same way every day, same formula, with a little divergence here and there, and then almost everyone who ran my kitchen would come up with a new sandwich and then we would try it out and then people would like it and we’d just slap it on the menu. But yeah, the chicken salad recipe we’re using now is the exact same we did in 2002.

How are you seeing and dealing with the current changes in Plaza Midwood, seeing how many of your old neighbors are leaving and new neighbors coming in and this and that? How has that been affecting your business and what are your thoughts on it?

I’ve seen it change over time. I started blue

I was working with the Charlotte Area Pagans about moving into more of a spiritual kind of night, which sounds really weird but I figured people wouldn’t copy that because you don’t make money on it (laughs). And then we’re moving into poetry slams and kind of veering back into the music world. I really want to do the singer-songwriters, which I’ve never done, but the big heavy punk bands, that was kind of difficult to handle that crowd, so just kind of veering out into a little bit more like abstract art performance things and almost like busking where I pull in a banjo player and just let them go at it and stuff like that.

Are you planning to go another 20 years?

We’ll see (laughs). I am 55 years old, you know what I mean? I’m getting a little older. I’ve got for sure

five more years on my lease, which I went into with a lawyer. Once I got kicked out of South End, I knew exactly what to do; I got the first right to buy, I’ve got a huge buyout plan. If I get removed, I get salary. It makes it difficult for someone to come in [to displace me].

So if I can continue to move on, my endgame is going to try to make it employee-owned. Hand it off to these guys, but stay involved in it and all that. I’ve got three boys and right now none of them want anything to do with it (laughs) because they hear my phone ringing at 2 a.m. and they’re like, “Uh uh, we don’t want your mess.” So idealistically, I’d like for it to be employee-owned and just basically try to keep it going as long as we can. And if I get the chance to buy the building, unless it’s some ridiculous price, that would be something I definitely would be interested in doing.

BLAKE BARNES SAYS HE BUILT HIS EMPIRE ON TALLBOY PBRS AND LOOSE CIGARETTES. PHOTO BY GRANT BALDWIN

SAVAGE LOVE QUICKIES

A Muppet-faced master class

BY DAN SAVAGE

How long after a divorce does someone become “emotionally available” for a new relationship?

Someone who initiated a divorce — someone who made up their mind, got a lawyer, and filed the paperwork — is probably going to be “emotionally available” a little sooner than someone who was blindsided when their spouse “asked” for a divorce. (It’s not really an “ask,” since you don’t need someone’s permission to divorce them.) But if the person who initiated the divorce was being abused, they may need more time to recover from the marriage than the “blindsided” abuser they left. And if a marriage wound down after a decade or two and the decision to divorce was mutual and amicable, both parties could be “emotionally available” before they’ve taken their rings off, much less finalized the divorce.

Is being a “vaginaphile” an acceptable thing in 2023? Regardless of the other person’s identity?

Absolutely. Dick is nice, I’m a fan, but dick isn’t for everyone. Same goes for pussy. I find it strange that it’s often the same people who insist demisexuality is valid (and it is) and sapiosexuality is valid (and it is) and asexuality is valid (and it is) who will turn around and insist that homosexuality (being attracted to members of the same sex) or heterosexuality (being attracted to members of the opposite sex) somehow aren’t valid (and they are).

Pro-tips for someone who’s never eaten ass before but wants to?

We’re not going to run out of ass — our strategic national ass reserves are well-stocked — so don’t feel like you have to eat all the ass the first time you try. Take it slow. Suck the dick or eat the pussy of your freshly showered partner, wander down to the taint, then go deep — take a couple of swipes at the ass with your tongue — before retreating back to the taint, giving yourself time to assess, and then dive back in if you’re enjoying it as much as your partner is.

I’m living with my boyfriend’s parents for a few weeks. I need to get laid. Suggestions please?

I would suggest fucking your boyfriend. If you don’t feel comfortable fucking him in his parents’ house, fuck him on their roof, fuck him in the showers at the gym, fuck him in the nearest bar with a single-stall restroom and a door that locks. Obstacles can frustrate desire, yes, but they can just as easily fuel desire — so long as you have the right attitude about them.

My relationship with my husband — with my everything — is in trouble. I hate blowjobs in part because I was forced to give this guy one when I was a teenager. My husband says blowjobs are what he desires the most. He has to have blowjobs, that’s his bottom line. I gag. I throw up, I get angry and feel sad. He can’t even get it up most of the time. I want him to fuck me so bad, but it’s just not in the cards for me. He is horny all the time and I’m going through menopause and have no desire. He thinks I don’t love him anymore! Please help! We don’t want to lose each other! At least, I don’t want to lose him. He is fucking me up mentally. He is very persistent. He wants a blowjob every day. Whenever he can get it. I can’t last long enough to make him cum. My jaw is dislocated from my exhusband. You are my last chance to save this.

Anyone who sees their partner weeping in a puddle of their own puke after they’ve performed a particular sex act and then says, “I’m gonna need you to do that every day for the rest of your life or we’re through,” is an asshole. Call his bluff; tell him he’s free to go but if he chooses to stay, there will be no more blowjobs. I can’t promise you he won’t leave … but whether he accepts your terms (and stops demanding blowjobs) or makes good on his threats (and good luck to him finding blowjobs elsewhere), you’ll be better off.

Is it normal for a gay guy to not be interested in penetrative sex?

Most gay men enjoy penetration (fucking, getting fucked, flip fucking), but not every gay man is into anal sex. “Some men prefer what’s called outercourse, which is everything except penetration,” said Dr. Joe Kort,

the psychotherapist and author who went viral earlier this year after coining a term for gay men who aren’t interested in penetrative sex. “Other people might think of outercourse as foreplay, but that implies that the main act is intercourse, but some gay men aren’t tops or bottoms. They’re sides.”

Best lube for PIV?

Foreplay.

1. How many people have had sex with more than one member of the same family? 2. Anyone had sex with every member of the same family? 3. Including the parents?

1. Don’t know. 2. Don’t know. 3. Hope not.

Gay guy here into threesomes and playing with gay couples. How do you tell someone that you hooked up with in a threesome (half of a couple) that you would rather hook up with him solo because you’re not that into his partner? This has happened to me a couple of times recently.

Be direct with the one you’re into without being cruel to the one you’re not: “I would like to hook up with you again, but just the two of us.” If he asks why, be honest: “I’m into you but not your partner.” If they “only play together,” if a one-on-one hookup would constitute cheating in the context of their relationship, well, then you’ll either have to fuck them both again (which you’ll regret) or you’ll have to go find someone else to fuck (which shouldn’t be that hard).

Am I a bad guy for dating a married man in a sexless marriage who has kids in college?

Nope.

Does bottoming make your butt bigger? More muscular?

Bottoming ≠ squats — that’s cum you’re having injected into your ass, not steroids.

I’m curious what type of guys Dan Savage is most attracted to. Also, does Mr. Savage like receiving explicit pics from his fans?

Mr. Savage is primarily attracted to men with what Mr. Savage has described as “Muppet faces,” i.e., men with large mouths, big eyes, and other exaggerated facial features. Not one of the men that Mr. Savage has ever dated and/or married regarded “Muppet-faced” as a compliment, despite Mr. Savage’s sometimes frantic efforts to explain that “Muppet-faced” was not just meant as a compliment, but it was the highest compliment Mr. Savage could possibly bestow. For the record: Mr. Savage does not require his sex partners to wear fuzzy body suits,

spray chocolate chip cookie crumbs all over the bed, or pop out of garbage cans to heap verbal abuse on him. Mr. Savage welcomes explicit pics. Men with Muppet faces are encouraged to submit.

A young gay male friend has referred to his ass as his “cunt” in front of me, a cis female, and he was not having sex at the time. (You wrote last week that this was something young gay men do while having sex, with their sex partners, and not with their woman friends.) I found this offensive and told him so. He rolled his eyes. Now what? I don’t want to spank him but I might have to.

I’m happy to spank him for you — provided he’s got a Muppet face and a nice cunt.

Send your burning questions to mailbox@savage.love; podcasts, columns and more at Savage.Love!

TRIVIA TEST

CROSSWORD SUDOKU

BY LINDA THISTLE

PLACE A NUMBER IN THE EMPTY BOXES IN SUCH A WAY THAT EACH ROW ACROSS, EACH COLUMN DOWN AND EACH SMALL 9-BOX SQUARE CONTAINS ALL OF THE NUMBERS ONE TO NINE.

BY FIFI RODRIGUEZ

1. TELEVISION: What is the name of the next-door neighbor on TV’s sitcom “Home Improvement”?

2. LITERATURE: Which war was the setting for Anthony Doerr’s novel “All the Light We Cannot See”?

3. MUSIC: Who wrote the song “All Along the Watchtower,” performed by Jimi Hendrix?

4. GEOGRAPHY: When is Earth Day celebrated each year?

5. HISTORY: Which two city-states fought the Peloponnesian War?

6. MEDICAL TERMS: What is a common name for the disorder called sphenopalatine ganglioneuralgia?

7. ASTRONOMY: Where is the Oort Cloud in space?

8. GEOMETRY: How many sides does a nonagon have?

9. FOOD & DRINK: What’s another name for egg white?

10. GENERAL KNOWLEDGE: How large is the Times Square ball that drops at midnight on New Year’s Eve?

Dec. 28 - jan. 3

ARIES (March 21 to April 19) You’ve let yourself get distracted from what’s really important. But love finally gets your attention this week. However, it comes with a challenge that could create a problem.

TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) Be careful not to bully others into following your lead. Best advice: Persuade, don’t push, and you’ll get the cooperation you need to move forward with your plans.

GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) Resist the urge to gloat now that you’ve proved your detractors wrong. Instead, charm them back into your circle. Remember: A former foe can become your best ally.

CANCER (June 21 to July 22) You might want to claim all the credit for making this holiday season special. But is it worth producing a lot of hurt feelings by rejecting offers of help? Think about it.

LEO (July 23 to August 22) Ignore a co-worker’s questionable behavior. Instead, put your energy into making your own project special. Then sit back and purr over your welldeserved applause.

VIRGO (August 23 to September 22) You might not want to accept those suggested changes in your workplace, but don’t chuck them out before you check them out. You could be happily surprised.

LIBRA (September 23 to October 22) Your plans might have to take a back seat for a bit so that you can handle a problem with a friend or family member. Your schedule will return back to normal in a few weeks.

SCORPIO (October 23 to November 21) Relationships in general are beneficial during the early part of the week, including in the workplace. Also, expect some overdue changes in a personal situation.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 to December 21) “Prudence” should be your watchword this week. Best not to be too open about some of the things that are currently happening in your life.

CAPRICORN (December 22 to January 19) Money is on your mind, so you’d best mind how you’re spending it. Take another look at your budget and see where you can make adjustments.

AQUARIUS (January 20 to February 18) Resolving to revive an old friendship could open some old wounds. Are you sure you want to risk that? Think this through before making a commitment.

PISCES (February 19 to March 20) Your need to know more about a new friend could lead to some startling revelations. Best advice: Keep an open mind about what you learn until all the facts are in.

BORN THIS WEEK: Your loyalty to friends makes you a very special person to those whose lives you’ve touched.

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ARIES (March 21 to April 19) Start preparing now to make sure you get the credit you’re due for all the effort you put in to get a project off the ground. A new challenge emerges in a few weeks.

TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) You’re charging full steam ahead on the job — and that’s fine. But take time to bask in the excitement of a new year, and be grateful for all you accomplished during this one.

GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) A former detractor resists joining your ranks just yet. Give them time to learn more about what you’re doing. Meanwhile, devote more time to friends and family.

CANCER (June 21 to July 22) Be careful not to be goaded into a tiff by someone who might be looking for a fight. Remain cool as you make your exit. Be assured that others will rally to your support.

LEO (July 23 to August 22) Kudos on getting the welldeserved Lion’s share of the rewards for a job well-done. Now you can take a breather from your workaday duties and spend time with your family.

VIRGO (August 23 to September 22) You enjoy a quick spurt of renewed energy just in time to meet that upcoming deadline. A potentially romantic situation looms. How it develops will be up to you.

LIBRA (September 23 to October 22) Watch out for distractions that could cause delays and leave you running twice as fast to finish your work. Then go ahead and have fun. You deserve it.

SCORPIO (October 23 to November 21) You might prefer to work on current tasks on your own. But be open to a potentially useful suggestion from someone who admires you and wants to help.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 to December 21) Avoid rushing full gallop into that volunteer project without knowing what’s expected of you. Take things a step at a time as you begin to find your way.

CAPRICORN (December 22 to January 19) Good news: You should begin to feel more comfortable expressing your emotions. This will go a long way in helping you with that personal situation.

AQUARIUS (January 20 to February 18) An old friend gives confusing signals. Best advice: Don’t assume that things will necessarily work themselves out. Ask questions and demand straight answers.

PISCES (February 19 to March 20) A new relationship needs time to develop. Be careful not to let your emotions flood your natural sense of caution. Meanwhile, check out that new job offer.

BORN THIS WEEK: Your sense of right and wrong sometimes causes you to come into conflict with others. But you invariably come out ahead.

PUZZLE ANSWERS