God's Strength is in Our Weakness

By: Vanity Dawson

Suicide ideation is the thought of suicide or taking your own life. Who’d ever think I’d be sharing about the time I was having suicidal thoughts? It sure wasn’t me! That was one experience I thought I could take to the grave with me. Well, that wasn’t the plan God had for me. See, when I asked God to fill me up it was so I can pour out into the world. There are so many ways God uses us and for me, its sharing my many life stories of trials and tribulations.

We all have loved ones who faced suicidal ideation at some point in their life. The thought will creep up “I don’t want to live anymore” or “I’m ready to die because I’m tired of living a life full of pain.“ Never in a million years did I think I’d share with a loved one my own suicide ideation experience. I wanted them to know I am here for them and they are not the only one in the world going through suicide ideation. I wanted them to know God will one day use them to share their story with someone who will need them, and they aren’t alone.

Just four years ago I was cutting my wrist because I was filled with so much pain. Everywhere I turned was pain and I was ready to leave this world. I was asking God to take me out! I knew it wasn’t my time and I had to think “what about my son.” Instead of dying, which deep down beyond the “I’m ready to leave” was an “I would rather feel peace instead of pain.” I’d cut my wrist with a razor and although it was relieving at that moment, I didn’t realize I was causing more physical pain to myself aside of the physical abuse I was experiencing from my roommate. Eventually, I stopped cutting and tried to figure out another way to deal with my pain, but I still had to look at my scars daily.

Today, at this very moment, I still must look at my scars. Today, I boldly showed my scars to a loved one and said, “I used to do this!” There is another way to deal with pain. You do not have to go that route. The pain we think we are releasing from cutting isn’t an effective way for peace. We must first talk about the feelings we are harboring inside and address the root of the pain. Dealing with the cause of the pain allows us to see our situation from a different perspective so that we can work through what is bothering us. We must also remember that there are too many people on this earth that care about us and love us. If for a moment you start thinking nobody loves you, which is a lie from the pits of hell then tell yourself that you love you. Tell yourself that your creator loves you, which is the most important thing to remember. God loves you! God loves me!

Everyday, when you look in the mirror at your perfect and wonderfully made face, say “God loves me!” Say, “I love me!” That’s what really counts, and nobody can take that away from you. During every storm, there are moments where we can give God glory and share the testimony with someone else. If you feel like you want to hurt yourself, lean in on God’s strength and you will rise.