Ramaz Rampage - Purim / April Fool's 2024

Ms. Newman is the Culprit Behind the Lost Kindle

Binder Closet Mess

ORLI RABBANI ’25

ORLI RABBANI ’25

This February, every bibliophile’s worst nightmare became a living reality for Mr. Deutsch. On Thursday, February 29th, Mr. Deutsch posted frantically on Schoology about “every nerds worst fear,” begging students to search for his beloved Kindle. Four hours later, the Kindle was returned to the owner. But who could have taken Mr. Deutsch’s precious kindle?

After the departure of esteemed Dr. Tugendhaft at the end of the last school year, Ms. Newman was promoted to the head of the History department. Since then, there have been extreme tensions in the department. For one, Mr. Deutsch has been not cracking jokes during class, saying, “The new Chair doesn’t get my jokes. I miss Tuggy.” He speaks with no one during lunch, and buries his head in his beloved device. Ms. Newman’s, in retaliation,

embarked on a mission to bust her coworker.

After a week of noticing his behavior, Ms. Newman decided to take away the one thing he loves most: his Kindle. So, early in the morning on February 29th, Ms. Newman quickly snatched Deutsch’s Kindle from his desk. Upon returning to class he was terrified by the loss of his Kindle. Where could it have gone? He posted on Schoology and asked all over the school but had no sighting of his beloved kindle. AP Government student Juliette Goodstein ’25 stated: “the day he lost his kindle was horrifying. During the entire class he was very depressed. He was greatly affected by the loss of a man’s best friend. His behavior was shocking.”

This horrifying morning will impact Mr. Deutsch for the rest of his time at Ramaz. After four hours of desperate

searching, his junior AP government class returned the Kindle after noticing his strange behavior in class. Where was the Kindle? Much to everyone’s surprise, on Ms. Newman’s desk.

“It was a brutal act of betrayal and tyranny,” Dr. Herzog, history teacher and best friend of the thief, said. “The entire department was baffled at this thievery. The fact that someone could do this to their friend was terrible. Tensions in the department ever since have been high because we’re all afraid of Ms. Newman.”

Ms. Newman’s new power as the head of the history department is terrifying to members of the department, new and old. She rules the department with a reign of fear and intensity. This incident teaches the students and faculty to not mess with Ms. Newman.

Learning Beyond the Bell: Celebrating One-Thousand Clubs

The Ramaz School recently celebrated the founding of 1,000 clubs. This accomplishment represents the High School’s creativity, and the student’s commitment to providing their peers with exciting extracurriculars. The clubs exhibit a wide range of interests from intellectual to artistic outlets. This represents Ramaz’s engaging community, which gives its students a sense of connection and camaraderie led by fellow students. All clubs offer leadership opportunities that enable students to plan events and acquire import- ant skills. These skills include learning to coordinate, teach, and communicate. Ordinarily, clubs take place during after-school hours. Meetings can be anywhere from every day, to once a month to once a year, to once a decade. Students commit their free time to their clubs. 1,000 clubs ultimately proves the dedication of students for their personal interests and/or hobbies.

The large number of clubs at the Ramaz highlights the Upper School’s inclusive customs. Each club serves as a community of deep interest. This creates an environment where learning can take place even beyond the classroom. It also, coincidently, means that every student will be credited on their transcript with being President of at least five clubs.

From STEM-focused groups to performance arts, and even extending to newspapers, the clubs represent a wide spectrum of passions. Students can engage in activities that resonate with their individual interests allowing them to choose what they want to further understand or practice.

There is chess club, checkers club, backgammon club, solitaire club (one member only), 100 sports clubs, including a betting club, 100 financial clubs, including “Using Chat GPT to run your business Club, political clubs, 99 conservative

and one liberal, Kvetching Club (very popular), Art Club, Don’t Like Art Club, Book Club (no actual reading required), Movie Club, Netflix Club, Smart Phone Club (everyone is a member), Running Club, Walking Club, Strolling Club, Skipping Club; the list goes on and on, and on and on.

The inspiring quantity of clubs showcases the commitment of Ramaz students to having a tightly-knit community. Each club has become a center of bonding. Clubs break down barriers between grades and result in friendships that go beyond the formal limits of the classroom. At Ramaz, students not only learn together but also grow together through their time spent beside each other at clubs.

The leadership opportunities within each club serve students with lifelong skills. Leaders are required to run their club to the best of their ability.

CONTINUED ON PAGE 2

Choir, the cultist club at Ramaz, has been brewing a catastrophe: the infamous choir binder closet. Filled with binders overflowing with music, the closet is falling apart faster than the mental health of Ramaz students. This closet is a nightmare for anyone with OCD. With binders stacked one on top of the other, doors falling off the hinges, and music thrown about, the closet is a breeding ground for anarchy and chaos.

Choir member Racheli Voda ‘26, who has an affinity for organizing the closet every time it gets messy, says: “I get very aggravated when I see the state of the closet. I spend time organizing the binder closet only for the thousands of freshmen to destroy it and throw their binders about. There was a system to avoid chaos. And it’s not being respected.” Voda has been attempting to organize the infamous closet, but has been unsuccessful. “The closet doesn’t open. And when we try to open it, music falls on us. The presidents wanted to do something about the mess but it proved impossible.” The choice is either to not have sheet music or to suffer the wrath of an avalanche of binders.

Hopefully, there can be an effort made to repair the closet while the choir is away in Florida. Otherwise, the choir is doomed to injuries from the door, doomed to not know their music, and doomed to have feuds between upper and underclassmen fighting over the respect of the closet.

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CAROLINE KOLLANDER ‘27

RAH, RAH, RAMAZ!

ORLI RABBANI ’25

There’s nothing like Monday morning. Exhaustion floods the halls of Ramaz for all hours of the day, proving to remain contagious until Friday. Eyes of students are shut as they first walk through the building. However, every day of the week, there is nothing like the booming and energetic voices of Ms. Wilner and Ms. Kavian. The two accompany every Shabbaton with undefeatable energy, teach every class with undeniable enthusiasm, and fill the school building with excitement. Ms. Kavian and Ms. Wilner also always attend the sports events held at Ramaz with enough energy to make up for every student that didn’t attend.

So, it was no shock when the two approached Rabbi Dov with another club idea: the Ramaz Cheerleading club. Complete with gymnastics, chanting, and costumes, the club will travel from game to game ready to put pep in everyone’s step. “We want to spread excitement and encourage everyone to come to games.” Ms. Wilner said. “We’re even choreographing a whole routine. We’re not like regular schools. We’re a cool school.” Together, the Math department and Judaic studies department will spread energy around the school and show up to sports

Learning Beyond the Bell: Celebrating One-Thousand Clubs

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1

They should be experienced in topics they discuss with their members and are expected to keep participants engaged. Editors of newspapers commit to reviewing and revising dozens of articles written by other students. Clubs do not have to be led by just one person. To make the heavy weight of running a club lighter, many clubs have multiple leaders. Running a club takes a lot of hard work but is certainly worth all the effort.

After school hours at The Ramaz High School are filled with activity and education. Students dedicate their free time to staying in school and showing up for their chosen club. The environment past 4:45 exhibits the students’ passion for their personal interests. Ramaz infuses their students with a zest for learning and finding yourself through the clubs you choose to associate with.

Ramaz’s achievement of 1,000

clubs underlines the importance of extracurriculars to the student body. It no surprise students enjoy founding, leading, or simply participating in clubs due to the exciting experiences and opportunities the clubs have to offer. And all of these clubs consistently and happily use Club Hub!”

Chat-Gpt’s Take on Purim

We asked students favorite tutor to help us write a story of Purim. Here’s what it came up with: Once upon a time, in a land far, far away (well, not that far, just ancient Persia), there lived a king named Ahasuerus. He was a bit like a royal version of a reality TV star - loved throwing lavish parties and had about as much common sense as a goldfish in a chess match. Now, King Ahasuerus decided he needed a new queen because, well, why not? So, he threw a beauty pageant to find the shiniest jewel in the kingdom’s tiara collection. It was like “The Bachelor: Persian Edition,” complete with roses and way too much drama.

Among the contestants was Esther, a Jewish girl with an incredibly

sharp wit. Esther, a clever Jewish girl, caught the king’s eye but she kept her identity a secret, like a magician hiding a rabbit. Meanwhile, Haman, the king’s advisor, held a grudge against Esther’s uncle, Mordecai. His ego was as big as the royal treasury. Tensions rose as the party unfolded, setting the stage for a dramatic showdown between Esther and Haman, with the fate of their people hanging in the balance.

Meanwhile, lurking in the shadows like a disgruntled tax collector was Haman, the king’s top advisor. He had an ego bigger than the royal treasury and a grudge against Esther’s uncle, Mordecai, that was juicier than a ripe pomegranate. Haman, consumed by his vengeful desire to eliminate Mordecai and all the Jewish

people, concocted a wicked scheme that was swifter than a snap of your fingers. His plan was as sinister as a shadow in the night, aimed at wiping out an entire people faster than one could utter the words “kosher pickle. Esther however, guided by a divine spark of inspiration and fortified by courage, dared to defy the odds. With nerves of steel, she unmasked Haman’s plan to the king with a swiftness that would make even the fastest tongues stumble, revealing the villain’s nefarious plot as quickly as saying “bubbeleh.”

The king, who had been as oblivious as a drowsy mouse in a field of cats, finally had his eyes opened to Haman’s deceit. Like a bolt of lightning

GRACE KOLLANDER ’25

Chat-Gpt’s Take on Purim

piercing through the clouds, he swiftly cast Haman out, banishing the villain from his presence with a speed akin to the passing of “matzah” during Passover.

That is how Esther and Mordecai became the heroes of the day. They proved that even in the scariest of times, a little bravery, and a pinch of divine intervention can save the day. To celebrate their narrow escape from disaster, the Jewish people threw a party called Purim. It was like New Year’s Eve meets Halloween, with costumes, feasting, and enough wine

to float a fleet of ships. So, next time you are feeling down, just remember the Purim story and crack a smile. After all, life’s too short not to dance like nobody’s watching, especially when you’re wearing a ridiculous costume!

Esther and Mordecai emerged as the celebrated heroes of the day. Their courage in the face of adversity, coupled with Esther’s quick thinking and Mordecai’s unwavering support, stood as a beacon of hope amidst the shadows of fear and uncertainty. So, the next time you find yourself feeling disheartened

or downtrodden, take solace in the tale of Purim. Just as Esther and Mordecai triumphed over adversity, so too can you find the strength within yourself to persevere. Life is too fleeting to be weighed down by worries, so embrace the joyous spirit of Purim. Revel in the absurdity of a ridiculous costume, and let the echoes of celebration fill your heart with warmth and cheer.

Promises Made, Promises (Kind of) Kept

NATHAN HILTZICK ’25

These were the words of the Ramaz school’s student president, Raymond Ashkanzie. These weren’t just his words but what he lived by. It was the beginning of the school year, and Raymond Ashkenazie was elected president. He dominated the prior year debates against a familiar face, Ari Goralnick. Mr. Ashkenazie spoke in front of the whole school about the promises of what would happen this year. He made us believe in him as he stood up on the stage. He spoke with pride and dignity. There were cheers and claps at the end of every sentence. But as the year progressed, the promises began to fade, leaving us disappointed. Were promises made and kept?

As a symbol of his promises, Mr. Ashkenazi distributed portable chargers to the school community. These chargers, emblazoned with the message “Promises made, promises kept,” Were meant to bring hope and practicality to the students. However, their design, with two places

for wires that only Mr. Ashkenazi has, made them unusable for most. As a result, more portables ended up on the floor than anywhere else, a stark reminder of unfulfilled promises. The problem of the portable charger has yet to be addressed and has left a void. Students are still forced to bring in their phone and computer chargers.

Despite the unfulfilled promises, Mr. Ashkenazi’s tenure as student president did bring about some positive changes. One such change was the third-floor lounge, a space unlike anything Ramaz had seen before. With its double-decker couch, hidden flat-screen TVs, and chairs that are embedded into the floor, the lounge was a testament to new technology and comfort. This addition had transformed the 3rd floor, making it unrecognizable in the best possible way. This was a tangible result of Mr. Ashkenazi’s efforts, and we could all appreciate it. Before the lounge Juniors were forced to sit on the floor and against

the wall, now they have a place where they can relax and find themselves sitting on the floor and against the wall.

Being the businessman he is, Mr. Ashkenazi enabled Ramaz students to get ten percent off at local kosher restaurants like Grill Point and Sabas, which saved them many pennies. This was a significant financial benefit that we all could enjoy, thanks to Mr. Ashkenazi’s initiatives.

Mr. Ashkenazi has seemed absent throughout the school year. Once he got into college he left the students in the dirt. When Class President, Zachary Kochin 25’, was asked, where has Mr. Ashkenazie been? Mr. Kochin stated, “I have seen him lurking in the shadows. He has yet to come out. Our SFAC meetings have been too calm without him. There is no drama or yelling anymore. It feels strange.” He is missing and the school needs him back. Mr. Ashkenazie has come down with senioritis. This is one of the worst cases the school has ever seen.

An Education In Bromanticism

Have you ever once wondered, dear Ramaz students, about the top-secret double lives our very own teachers lead? No, you probably have not. Based on how you treat our underpaid essential workers, your answers likely range from “What are you talking about? They don’t have lives. They’re not humans.” to “I thought they just lived here. Isn’t that why we aren’t allowed on the eighth floor?” But I digress. Yes, they indeed have lives outside this wretched prison building. They are not just lying about their commute to get out of davening (unlike some people). You may be wondering, dear reader, “Why is she rambling about this? Get to the point already.” Well, I shall. I intend to take you on a journey, nay, an odyssey, and tell you a tale of friendship, a legend of the lifestyle two of our educators partake in.

Our story starts off in the Paleolithic Era the Neolithic Era the late 20th century. A bright-eyed and bushy-tailed (and much younger) Dr. Steven Milowitz rolled up to Ramaz as the new English teacher, intending to mold eager learners into scholars of literature. Yet, for young Milo, it was lonely at the top of the teacher tower.

He wished for a companion, a pal to understand him. His wish was answered in September 2006, when a tragically underpaid and handsome (seriously, with those genetics one could be a model) Mr. Deutsch (he does not have a first name) strutted into school. It was love at first sight. Well, for Milo at least. Mr. Deutsch claims otherwise, stating, “We had the same facial hair pattern at the time, and there was a certain territorialism at stake. But we gradually earned a grudging respect for one another which eventually blossomed into love.”

Regardless of how long it took, these office-mates (that is correct, they were and are office-mates) became the dynamic duo that we know today, dubbing themselves “besties for the resties.” And they have taken the “for the resties” part quite seriously indeed. They have stuck together through thick and thin (although mostly thick due to high cheese intake), braving the storms of students, parents, and higher-ups. Even when, Milo heavily contemplated leaving Ramaz, an event dubbed the “Almost Even Greater Schism of 2018” (pronounced “skism,” not “shism,” as Mr. Deutsch wanted me to empha-

size), he stuck it out, staying for his best friend. Milo could not fathom the idea of leaving his comrade alone in the trenches. Literally, squad goals. So, how do Mr. Deutsch and Dr. Milowitz spend their time together? What does their friendship really look like? I shall now lift up the veil, dearly beloved, and reveal the behind-the-scenes secrets of our favorite teacher twosome.

Like any classical duo (George Washington and Marquis de Lafayette, Bill and Ted, etc.), Mr. Deutsch and Dr. Milowitz engage in whimsy, tasteful baudinage, and playful one-upmanship. They go to Comic Con together, eat cheese together, and smoke cigars together.

Mr. Deutsch even puts on special puppet shows for Milo. They occasionally come up with great ideas to solve the world’s problems (after drinking together. Their beverage of choice is mead straight out of a Viking drinking horn).

Mr. Deutsch tells Dr. Milowitz all of the historical inaccuracies in Milo’s favorite historical fiction novels, and Milo returns the favor by pointing out the grammatical errors in Mr. Deutsch’s slides. It’s a very “give and take”

CONTINUED

GIANNA GOLDFARB ’25

An Education In Bromanticism

relationship. They play Call of Duty every Sunday night, play with Mr. Deutsch’s Rick doll when they are supposed to be grading, and engage in countless shenanigans. It’s definitely going to be a John Adams-Thomas Jefferson situation when one of

them finally leaves Ramaz. If one of them leaves in the morning, the other will be gone by the afternoon. They will not be able to survive Ramaz without each other (too fragile). Hopefully, that day is far in the future. For now, we should enjoy

and learn from the beautiful friendship that we are lucky enough to see continue to unfold.

Head of School “Search” is Underway

The Ramaz Upper School has begun what it claims is a very serious and diligent search for a new Head of School, now that Mr. Canon has decided to end his reign next year. After appointing himself Head of School, Mr. Canon has served for six successful years. He is ready to return to his life in Baltimore, now that the Orioles are good again.

The school has hired a search committee, sparing no expense, and has started what is promised to be a country-wide, nay, world-wide, search for a new leader of this esteemed institution. Interviews will begin soon, and the search company has already meet with faculty and staff, parents, alumni, and board members to put together a list of qualifica-

tions. At the end of their search, after countless hour and dollars, the search committee will announce the new Head of School. If only there were somebody here already, somebody with a connection and history with the school.

Deportation Information

GIANNA GOLDFARB ’25

Yesterday, Rabbi Zachary Schwartz, a beloved Judaics teacher, was deported by the U.S. government back to his homeland, Australia. Our second-favorite Aussie (our first favorite is 100% Darla from Finding Nemo) has been shipped back to the Land Down Under, where the sheep outnumber the people and the koalas turn out to be vicious little buggers.

From his DeBeit Din club and Talmud classes, to the unforgettable sound of him snapping at you to stop talking in Davening, Rabbi

Schwartz has made an indelible impact on our Ramaz family in the short time he was with us, and will be sorely missed. We shall all look back fondly at the times where Rabbi Schwartz used an Aussie slang phrase that no one understood and all the times he made us make a bracha before snatching a muffin from the SAC.

We hope that even in this difficult time, Rabbi Schwartz is making the best of his situation. He can visit his family, have a band reunion (for those of you who don’t know, Rabbi Schwartz was

the lead guitarist in his high school rock band called “Li Tov”), take up rugby again, and maybe even take the time to learn how to play the Digeridoo. He can surf the Gold Coast, which, disappointingly, is not actually gold, to his heart’s content. I hope he likes Vegemite because he’s going to be seeing a lot more of it now. We shall miss Rabbi Schwartz terribly, but we hope he is living his best life in the home of the deadliest creatures on earth.

Library or Lounge?

The Ramaz library, once home to a myriad of literary masterpieces and enough nonfiction to write an A+ essay on any given topic, has turned into our beloved school’s largest lounge. Shakespeare has been replaced by tables for students to work at, textbooks swapped for an actual classroom in the back corner, copies of the Talmud buried in favor of blue couch chairs, and biographies abandoned so the freshmen could have a screen for their lunchtime game of Mario Kart.

So far the students have had an overwhelmingly positive reaction to this switch. “It’s not like I was ever going to check out a book from the library

anyways” said Freshman Joseph Rabbani. “Now I can use the space for something actually useful like video games”. Productivity rates during the school day have increased by over 70% since the introduction of tables into the library and over 400 cups of coffee have been drunk. Whether it’s just a spot to chat with your friends or a room to study, the library has been more full than ever.

And it is not only the students who have loved this change. Teachers have been taking advantage of the school’s newest classroom in the back corner of the library, allowing them to teach in a less pressured atmosphere than usual. Wheth-

er they can hear the students over the freshman screaming about losing at Mario Party of the juniors crying over their physics textbooks is a story for another time.

Perhaps this is the school compensating for the third floor lounge that has been “coming” for seven months now or them realizing that students unfortunately don’t read as much anymore, but no matter what the reason behind this change, it seems like the fourth floor non-senior lounge is here to stay.

I Am So Sick Of This Bleeping Censorship

There is too much REDACTED censorship at Ramaz. The administration really has REDACTEDup their REDACTED about what writers can and cannot say anymore. For instance, I am not allowed to say “REDACTED BY EDITORS”, “REDACTED BY EDITORS DUE TO PROFANITY”, or even “REDACTED BY EDITORS DUE TO EXTREME PROFANITY” and it drives me up the REDACTED walls. What ever happened to freedom of the REDACTED of press? This is, as Mr. Deutsch likes to say, “AMERICA REDACTED!!!” Well, I have just one thing to say to that: REDACTED

NOTE FROM EDITORS: The content we redacted here was so foul that Rabbi Stern would have passed out if he had read it. Rest assured, Gianna is going to have her mouth scrubbed with soap and we will ensure she never writes anything this vile again.

LINDSAY CHUBAK ‘25

GIANNA GOLDFARB ’25

EDITORS-IN-CHIEF

Sarah Silverman 24

Aviva Schilowitz ’24

Ashley Behm ’24

Romi Chavot ’24

Moriel Weitzner ’24

ChArloTTe Kleeger ’24

CoNTriBuTiNg wriTers

orli rABBANi ’25

grACe KollANder ’25

dANielle NAKAsh ’24

sylvie pAgoviCh ’25

giANNA goldfArB ’25

KereN TeiChNer ’25

lily freiliCh ’25

leo eigeN ’25

Lindsay Chubak ‘25

Gianna Goldfarb ’25

The

Ramaz One-ups Competitors with Full School Color War

LINDSAY CHUBAK ‘25

Academic excellence aside, Ramaz is famous for two things: their disdain for color war and their extreme rivalries with other Yeshiva League schools who do partake in such foolish competitions.

The two have always existed in a perfect tandem, that is until Ramaz’s mole in the Frisch administration sent word that our archrivals were using Shiriya, their oddly named color war, as a reason why incoming freshmen would be better off going to their school than ours. Needless to say, that changed everything. To pretend like they were better than us for having this idiotic event, fine. But to use this nonsensical excuse to steal our crossed the line

So, to everyone’s shock and the disdain of the entire sixth floor office, Rabbi Frank made a bold announcement: for the first time in its history, Ramaz would hold a school wide color war (they refused to call it Shiriya because, honestly, the idea itself was dumb enough they didn’t need to give it an even dumber name. Also, Frisch called it that first, so it was officially on the no-no list). This week-long extravaganza would put Frisch’s to shame and restore Ramaz’s spot at the top of the Yeshiva totem pole.

Rabbi Frank then proceeded to explain the rules of this “fun fest” in which students will be divided by grade and then paired with teacher departments. The seniors will be paired with the science squad and the juniors with the juda-

ics (since if our school loves anything it’s some good alliteration) and then the rest of the departments can fight it out for a spot with either the freshmen or sophomores while regretting choosing a position that doesn’t line up with a grade name. These teams and teachers will be forcefully thrown into competition after competition until at the end of the week at a concluding kumzits a winner will be announced. But, of course, hoodies will not be allowed as each days events will be documented and posted on the Ramaz Instagram to really stick it to our enemies.

See you at shiriya color war!

Attendance Monitor of the Year Award

Ms. Sobol will be presenting the Attendance Monitor of the Year Award next month.

According to Ms. Sobol, it was very difficult to determine this year’s nominees, as so many teachers did such a great job taking and turning in their attendance sheets every day. She has not heard even one complaint about the job, and so, in gratitude, she is offering a ten dollar s Starbucks card to this year’s winner. “It’s the least I could do,” said Ms. Sobol. Faculty have been such team players, getting up early, being diligent, and always recognizing the importance of the job they are doing.” That being said, there are two teachers whose work has been particularly impressive, and they are the finalists,

Ms. Sobol announced. Dr. David Lerer and Dr. Steven Milowitz are this year’s nominees. Voting begins Tuesday, so The Rampage wants to present a comparison of the two candidates, so we asked them both to share there methods and thoughts about their work.

Philosophy: Dr. Lerer: “I believe in getting to school at least 15 minutes before davening starts. I place myself directly in the front of the door to the davening space. No one gets by without telling me their name, social security number, home address, and GPA.”

Dr. Milowitz: “I wake up at 7;45, and I’m usually there around 8:05. That seems good enough.”

Notation System: Dr. Lerer: “I note the date, time (to the second) of each student. I write down if a student goes directly to his/her seat, if he/she leaves that seat, and when that student returns. I also make a note of what I call “davening enthusiasm.”

Dr. Milowitz: “I make check marks next to the kids I know.”

A Guide for the Perplexed: Deciphering the Anecdotals

Many students and parents have wondered if the words they read in their quarterly anecdotal remarks mean exactly what they say. The Rampage has uncovered the key to unlocking the actual meaning of the words on these reports. What you will read may shock you.

Polite = Doesn’t Talk at All

Quiet = Barely Awake

Friendly: Won’t shut up

Personable: Inappropriately familiar

Funny: Annoying

Hard-Working : Doing the minimum

Satisfactory : Unsatisfactory

Unsatisfactory: Terrible

Succeeding : Passing Needs Improvement : Failing

Diligent: Gets some work in on time

Terrific : Okay

Dr. Milowitz’s sheet

Dr. Lerer’s sheet

ASHLEY BEHM ‘24

Teachers Take Over the Senior Lounge

For many years it has been established that the fourth floor lounge is reserved for the seniors. Each year the senior class acts very territorial about the lounge and begins decorating it on the first day of school. The walls are filled with pictures and the window is signed by each student. It is an unwritten rule that freshman, sophomores and juniors are not allowed to enter the senior lounge. In the entire history of the Ramaz Upper School no one has challenged the seniors authority of the fourth floor lounge. Everything changed last week when some teachers decided to enter the lounge and take over the territory that was once held by the senior grade.

At first the seniors did not realize something was amiss, they just thought certain teachers wanted to escape their offices. “I know the history office has no windows, so I just assumed Mr. Deutsch wanted a place with some natural light to read on his kindle” said Sarah Silverman ‘24, “It wasn’t until I couldn’t find a place to sit that I got worried.”

As the day progressed students were surprised to see teachers from all different departments coming together and mingling. “I couldn’t

believe my eyes when I saw the Hebrew teachers playing Xbox with the math teachers!” recounts Charlotte Kleeger ‘24. After the seniors realized what was going on they started to become agitated with the lack of seats the teachers left for them. “I’m all for teachers having a good time but I got annoyed when I couldn’t find a place to sit during homeroom because the teachers decided to fulfill some fantasies and sit in the lounge,” an exasperated Moriel Weitzner ‘24 told The Rampage.

The whole situation got out of hand when the math teachers started kicking seniors out of the lounge and wiping the names of the windows.

“That was when I began to investigate why the teachers were suddenly flocking to our lounge,” said Silverman ‘24. Upon further investigation the students discovered that hanging out in the lounge had to be tracked on ClubHub. This was confirmed when Rabbi Dov Pianko posted on Schoology saying, “Dear Seniors, we understand that you are upset with the lounge situation but the teachers created a ClubHub page for using the fourth floor lounge. In the meantime you can go to the sixth floor lounge.”

Seniors tried to storm the sixth floor lounge but the freshmen would not let them in. Many also found the library to be too crowded. With nowhere to go the seniors are forced to go to class and teachers have reported a decrease in latenesses to class. “It’s the best thing to ever happen to me—I have a comfy place to sit and everyone comes on time,” exclaimed Ms. Kavian.

For now, the seniors have nowhere to go but rumors of a revolt are floating around school. The Rampage has obtained a screenshot from the “Class of 2024” WhatsApp group chat. The text reads, “everyone get 2 skl early tmrw b4 the teachers. we’ll stay all day and the teachers won’t get their seats.” The message was followed by many texts of agreement from the grade.

The revolt has not happened yet because the majority of seniors could not get to school before lunchtime. In the meantime, the fate of the senior lounge is uncertain as the class presidents are working to set up a club hub page and get back the lounge.

Be Nice to Vegans, Urges New Principal

SARA KLEINHAUS ’28

Rabbi Frank’s arrival at Ramaz was a source of great anticipation. But, after he arrived, an undisclosed fact was revealed: Rabbi Frank is a . . . VEGAN! Since then, it has become apparent that it’s not easy to be a vegan at Ramaz, even when you’re the Principal. You may ask why. First, while Ramaz students are known to be tolerant, that tolerance does not necessarily extend to vegans. A very scientific poll of 103 Ramaz students (from all different backgrounds – boys, girls, Ashkenazic, Sephardic, Upper East Side, Queens, etc.) revealed that 97.38% of Ramaz students are suspicious of vegans. 64.72% of students believe it is impossible to

lead a high school as a vegan, because vegans are too hungry to be patient with teenagers. One student (and only one) said she finally felt heard as a vegan at Ramaz. In observing Rabbi Frank at lunch, a source who asked not to be identified shared that Rabbi Frank, with one cucumber slice on his plate, was eyeing the fish tacos. A senior administrator said that several of his colleagues considered following in Rabbi Frank’s footsteps by turning to veganism, but of three administrators who tried, one lasted two hours, one lasted from dinner until breakfast, and one is on a leave of absence. Several students expressed concern that Saba’s Pizza, the food

of choice at Ramaz events, may soon be replaced by Safta’s Tofu Puffs, one of Rabbi Frank’s favorites. Safta’s has approached GO representatives about group rates. The school’s Chief Financial Officer expressed concern that each puff from Safta’s costs $100 (even with the group discount), and projections show that if the school switches to vegan restaurants such as Safta’s, it will be bankrupt by next Purim. When Rabbi Frank was approached for comment, he suggested that this reporter attend the new Vegan Club, which will combat ignorance and prejudice about veganism.

Complaints from Disgruntled Seniors

It’s not fair. It’s not fair. It’s so unfair. We never get to have any fun. First they want us to learn, LEARN!, during the second semester of Senior year, then they expect us to not miss 6 classes in the three month semester. I mean, really? I have things to do. This school is a prison. They only gave us two video games to play in our longue, and those don’t always work. And teachers complain when we blast our music. I mean, what are we paying for here? Finally, and this is the

biggest shock of all, the most outrageous breach of our rights as Seniors is the administration’s (read: Rabbi Frank) denial of our right to shoot water at one another. I know, I know. You can’t believe it. All we want to do is bring our dolls and our water guns to school and shoot them in the halls, classrooms, library, and lunch room. Sure, the floor gets slippery, but slippery floors are a tradition that simply can not be abandoned. Sure, it seems odd to some that kids are running around the

school with toy guns in 2024, but what gives them the right to ban things just because they’re inappropriate and outdated and objectively problematic. It’s Senior year, for goodness sake. Next thing you know they won’t let us wear our onesies or our pajamas. Poor us!

Appreciate the Little Things: The

Gratitude is a necessity for living a happy and fulfilling life, a lesson many Ramaz students would do well to learn. But it is not enough to appreciate the larger blessings, dear reader, one must also learn to appreciate the little things, the ordinary gifts one receives every day. Perhaps if more Ramaz students did this, they

would find themselves to be more content with their lives, despite all the struggles they face (anything lower than an “A+,” credit limit, lack of free periods, credit limit, etc.). Well, right under their noses is the perfect thing to start with: an extraordinarily underappreciated extraordinary man, Mr. Klotz.

I want to begin by saying that Mr. Klotz makes the shortlist of the most brilliant people I have ever known. He has absolutely no shortcomings. It truly saddens and sickens me to hear the cruel things students say about him. Seriously, pick on someone your own CONTINUED ON

GIANNA GOLDFARB ’25

Appreciate the Little Things: The Gianna Report

size. You have to hand it to Mr. Klotz he never ever goes up to their level, dear reader. He is much too mature and educated to let some silly schoolchildren bring him down further.

Mr. Klotz knows over 11 languages, knows more math than PDM and Euler combined, and was almost a movie star. So, who cares what the students think? Certainly not this literate Lilliput. Neither do his coworkers, who all love Mr. Klotz. Just last month, he and Ms. Benus went clothes shopping together in the baby department and had a marvelous time. His colleague of over a decade, the dapper Dr. Rotenberg, noticing how hard Mr. Klotz works, personally ap-

proached the administration with the request that the school should install a dumbwaiter so Mr. Klotz can have a personal faculty elevator.

As one can see, Mr. Klotz, although beloved by the faculty, has a delicate relationship with the students. Why? There really is no one answer. Theories range from “they’re just jealous of him,” to “maybe his class is just really freaking hard.” Irrespective of the cause, Mr. Klotz is the best guy in the world and deserves everyone’s respect, no matter how diminutive. Despite how petite one might think his footprint is, Mr. Klotz contributes so much more to the school than the students will ever know. He is always the first person to show up

in the morning and is always the last to leave. If there is one thing I want to impart to you, dear reader, it is that Mr. Klotz deserves so much more gratitude than he is given. There is nothing that justifies this man always getting the short end of the stick. He should not consistently receive the barest minimum. This issue, unlike him, should not be scaled down. It is a matter of great importance. Mr. Klotz is a man of unbelievable stature and should never be looked down upon. It is up to the students to rectify their behavior and give Mr. Klotz the love he deserves.