RESOLVING SOCIAL CONFLICTS November
To help support your children’s mental health as part of our Middle School’s Social-Emotional Learning (SEL) program, throughout the school year I will share with you the psychological issues our students commonly face and offer strategies to help them navigate these challenges.
— Atara J. Berliner, Ph.D. Director of Guidance and Learning CenterRESOLVING SOCIAL CONFLICTS
We hear from parents and children about feelings of exclusion from classmates’ online group chats or private social gatherings – emotions that sometimes a perceived excluder may also have at one time experienced. Painful as these feelings can be, social exclusion is an inherent aspect of adolescence and Middle School life (and beyond) and may not necessarily be deliberate. More routinely, it may reflect the practicalities of having a social gathering that cannot accommodate all of someone’s peers. Nonetheless, feelings of social exclusion tend to play out at school and cause conflict.
What the Torah Teaches Us
Rav Huna (Talmud, Sanhedrin 7a) compares a quarrel to a puncture in a hose that causes water to rush out. If the hole is not repaired quickly, it widens to a point of being irreparable.
Our goal is to give students the understanding and strategies to cope with peer conflict by consistently conducting themselves in a manner that aligns with our values of menschlichkeit and Kavod Habriot - inside and outside school.
We can derive a great deal of insight into conflict resolution from the reading of Parashat Lech Lecha. Avram’s and Lot’s herders quarrel (Bereishit 13:7) because their masters own so much property that the land cannot contain them both. In his book, Psyched for Torah: Cultivating Character and Well-Being through the Weekly Parsha, Rabbi Dr. Mordechai Schiffman, drawing from the commentary of Rabbi Yitzchak Arama*, explains that Avram incorporated modern conflict resolution advice by offering Lot a “win-win” solution even though he was in the power position.
He starts by using soft, polite language. He also does not blame Lot and assumes partial responsibility, mentioning himself and his herders before Lot’s: “Please let there not be strife between me and you, between my herdsmen and yours….” Instead of adopting a “you vs. me” stance, Avram draws upon their familial connection, finding a common bond (“Anashim Achim Anachnu” - for we are brothers).
Drawing from this paradigm, below are a few strategies you can suggest to your child:
• Conflict is not necessarily about winning, but rather, having both parties realize something needs improvement.
• Listen first. If your child is truly angry about a conflict, advises conflict resolution expert Dr. Marla Reese Weber, keep your own indignation in check and avoid being more upset than your child. “The parents’ role is to empathize, acknowledge the conflict and convey that friendship lasts through conflict,” she says.
• Allow your child’s anger or resentment to play out. This will help him/her more quickly calm down rather than minimizing the situation or rushing to problem solve.
• Pinpoint the root problem. Once intense emotions are released, the next step is to help identify the issue causing the fight, pinpointing the “presenting problem” and discovering the deeper, actual conflict. For example, a child may feel insulted that a friend is only nice in school but rarely extends a playdate invitation.
• Help your child develop empathy. Carey Werley, a social worker with the Child Mind Institute, suggests asking your child to put him/herself in the other person’s shoes and acknowledge what the other person is saying even if s/he disagrees with the other’s description of the situation. Ask your child why they think the other child may have behaved in a certain way. This also helps foster greater empathy.
Read more about conflict resolution here.