To help support your children’s mental health as part of our Middle School’s Social-Emotional Learning (SEL) program, throughout the school year I will share with you the psychological issues our students commonly face and offer strategies to help them navigate these challenges.
— Atara J. Berliner, Ph.D. Director of Guidance and Learning CenterSIBLING RELATIONSHIPS
Relationships between siblings have a greater impact on a child’s mental health, well-being, and development than many of us think. In fact, leading human development researchers have found that, “warm sibling relationships—those with more affection and intimacy and less conflict—are a source of material and emotional support, with the power to protect against loneliness and depression but…fraught sibling relations are associated with a host of negative outcomes in adulthood.”
This relationship becomes more complex when one considers the needs and feelings of what researchers call the “well sibling,” a child who may be indirectly affected by a sibling’s more serious medical or psychological challenges. (The concept of the “well sibling” has been adapted from Torah lectures by Rabbi Yitzchak Breitowitz, a Rosh HaYeshiva of Ohr Sameach in Jerusalem.) For example, one student recently shared that the family’s focus on the older siblings’ college admissions applications relegated her Middle School experience to the sidelines. Another felt the arrival of a new baby sibling amounted to feeling short shrift of parents’ time. A parent reported spending so much time caring for her own disabled sibling that she can’t always devote the attention she’d like to her own children.
Making Each Child Count
Parashat Bamidbar, also known as Chumash Hapekudim, the Book of Counting, offers powerful context and examples of the importance of “family members” being counted. During the first, more anonymous and generalized counting, B’nai Yisrael is unified around a greater, holy purpose. The second counting allows each tribe member to receive individual recognition and attention from the nation’s leaders.
After being forgiven for Cheit Ha’Egel (the sin of the Golden Calf), B’nai Yisrael was counted following Yom Kippur. They were recounted seven months later, in the month of Iyar, after completing the Mishkan. The half-shekel coins of the
first counting served as a census device and also were melted down to craft the sockets of the Mishkan. The building of the Mishkan was an endeavor in which the entire nation contributed as a unified entity. The “incomplete” half-coin symbolized that unless the people were connected and working together, the nation could not function (adapted from Torah lectures by Rabbi Yakov Wolbe, Parsha Podcast, Bamidbar).
Understanding Family Dynamics
As the first counting model demonstrates, sometimes a family has to put the needs of individual members aside for a noble, greater good, such as supporting a medically or physically challenged child. However, juggling the responsibility of raising a family with a challenged child may impede addressing the needs of siblings who may present as if they are “doing OK.” Even bearing the guidepost of the second counting model in mind, parents may discover their energy understandably redirected to the child with the more obvious problem. This leaves few remaining resources for the sibling whose problems pale by comparison.
An exhausted, drained parent may also resort to enlisting the help of a responsible, older sibling to help manage the younger one’s psychological problems. The children may feel neglected, ignored or overlooked. A parent may go as far as to form a protective alliance with the challenged sibling, unintentionally excluding the other child(ren) and sometimes even the spouse, from its orbit.
If parents shy away from imposing proper limits because they either fear or feel sorry for the challenged child, siblings may become angry about the inequitable treatment and question whether “they are really a good person.” In an effort to wrest away attention from the ill sibling, the well one may develop symptoms in a different arena or, alternatively, become the perfect child, all in an attempt to alleviate stress on the family.
If a mentally ill child is prone to violent outbursts, the well sibling may experience a state of high anxiety about the next unpredictable incident – and if they may be the target. The “well,” more mature, caretaking sibling may resent the need to mature too quickly even when willingly embracing the role. Siblings also may feel a form of survivor guilt as they move through the normative life cycle and leave the ill child behind. At the same time, they can worry about possibly ending up as caretaker when their own parents age.
Some parents tend to cover up their child’s problem and present it as “normal” to the outside world. They may expect siblings to do the same or, at least, steadfastly, deny that anything is amiss in the family. This burden of keeping a secret often results in a great deal of pressure – beyond what they are already grappling with each day.
Coping Strategies
Below is a list of concrete ways to support your child:
• Encourage the well sibling to learn as much as he can about the sibling’s challenges. Most adolescents are able to handle the facts. Honestly explaining the situation in more detail is better than offering patronizing and easy reassurances.
• Model an open, direct attitude. Make it clear that you are not ashamed or embarrassed.
• Encourage your child to seek support from friends and the school community.
• Empathize that it is not easy to accept a sibling’s illness and that over time, symptoms may improve or worsen.
• Reinforce the idea that psychological and medical disorders do not preclude the sibling from being a great companion, who can establish a loving relationship with meaningful positive interactions.
• Compliment your child’s compassion when dealing with the sibling, reassuring them that this does not mean he or she must assume a parental role.
• Encourage your child to articulate needs and wants.
• When possible, make the well sibling(s) the center of attention.
Silver Linings?
Finally, it is important to keep in mind that each of us carries a proverbial burden. For some, that means physical illness, for others, financial struggles, and yet others, emotional, medical or learning challenges. We cannot determine or control many of the things that may happen to us. But we can control our reactions to what happens. Greater awareness, sensitivity, and support of siblings of mentally ill children help provide a path to making life a little better for everyone.