To help support your children’s mental health as part of our Middle School’s Social-Emotional Learning (SEL) program, throughout the school year I will share with you the psychological issues our students commonly face and offer strategies to help them navigate these challenges.
— Atara J. Berliner, Ph.D. Director of Guidance and Learning CenterWORRY
Worrying is not all bad. In fact, it is part of the human condition. As Dr. Sameet Kuhmar, author of “The Mindful Path through Worry and Rumination” writes, “reflective pondering” can be rewarding–we anticipate future sources of happiness.
But when worries persist and attach to every possible outcome, include unanswerable questions (why did this happen to me?”) and cause one to second guess decisions, it can ultimately prevent us from taking action (I won’t ask my friends to sit with them at lunch today because they will say “no,” or “I am not going to study hard for this test because I tried hard last time and I did not do well”).
Self-criticism, fear, and frustration can ensue.
That is why it’s important to know the difference between productive worry and unproductive worry, observes well-known worry expert, Robert Leahy. Unproductive worrying is intended to immediately eliminate negative feelings, ward off uncertainty and prepare one for anything.
An unproductive worrier also seeks constant reassurance. But offering it prevents us from adjusting to living with uncertainty; as we all well know, there are no perfect solutions or guarantees. This may calm us down in the short term, but once the feeling of reassurance wanes, we find ourselves back in the same or worse state of worry.
If you feel your child gets entangled in unproductive worry cycles, here are some simple strategies to try:
• Apply the HALT technique*
Based on a basic premise that negative behaviors are most likely to occur when one is Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired, try to identify and address one of these four conditions.
• Apply the 54321 grounding technique*
Reorient your child to the present utilizing the five senses, asking them to take a few deep breaths through the nose to slow everything down. Then direct their attention to the immediate environment - rather than worrying about the bad thing that may happen – using these five strategies:
• Identify five things you can see (e.g., the green of the plant in the corner).
• Notice four things you can touch (e.g., your cotton shirt against your neck) and spend a moment touching these things.
• Acknowledge three things you can hear (e.g., the voices in the next room) as well as the space between sounds.
• Notice two things you can smell.
• Become aware of 1 thing you can taste.
• Schedule “worry time” **
This may seem like a contradiction, but tell your child to set aside 10 minutes, the same time each day, to focus on his/her worries. The challenge is to leave the worries in that time slot and not allow them to spill over into the rest of the day. The time slot will be there the next day to contain them. When worries inevitably arise outside of the time slot, tell your child to acknowledge the thought and simply let it go, perhaps immersing themselves in a task, conversation or some entertainment. Hopefully, your child will begin to see that the worries are limited and repetitive and soon won’t be able to fill the worry time.
• Ask your child to imagine advising a friend with similar worrisome, negative thoughts. Ask, “Why are you so much more reasonable with him/her than with yourself?”
References
*Insighttimer.com
**Headspace.com
Kuman, Sameet M. Phd. (2009). The Mindful Path Through Worry and Rumination: letting go of anxious and depressive thoughts. Wisdom Publications MA.
(2005) Leahy, Robert. L. The Worry Cure: seven steps to stop worry from stopping you. Harmony Books NY.