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SIMPLIFY MAGAZINE · A QUARTE R LY, DI GITAL PU BLICATI ON FOR FA MI LI ES ·
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Issue 001 — Happiness 1. AN INTRODUCTION: THE HAPPINESS ISSUE by The Founders of Simplify Magazine 2. FIND YOUR HAPPINESS PROJECT by Gretchen Rubin 3. WHAT LIVING DANISHLY TAUGHT ME ABOUT HAPPINESS by Helen Russell 4. LEARNING TO TAKE CARE OF OUR RELATIONSHIPS by Robert Waldinger 5. CHASING A RICHER, FULLER LEVEL OF HAPPINESS by Joshua Becker 6. COULD UNHAPPINESS BE THE SECRET TO RAISING HAPPY KIDS? by Denaye Barahona 7. SIMPLIFYING MOTHERHOOD AND HAVING A HAPPY FAMILY by Erin Loechner 8. THE RED BASEBALL CAP: SCENES FROM A LESS-IS-MORE LIFE by Brian Gardner
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An Introduction: The Happiness Issue by THE FOUNDERS OF SIMP LI F Y MAG AZINE
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Welcome to the first issue of Simplify Magazine! This is a project born from many months of cooperation and hard work, because taking ideas and crafting them into reality is rarely a simple task. Yet, from the very beginning, the four of us have been united and motivated around one cause: the successful creation of a digital publication that helps families focus on the things that matter most. Early on, we realized that to accomplish this goal: • We’d need to recruit some of the sharpest minds in the world today to contribute in-depth, practical articles. We have. • We’d need to unite around a specific, relevant theme each quarter and not be afraid to dive deeply into the topic. We have. • We’d need to create a beautiful, reader-focused experience that displays and promotes simplicity from the first page to the last page. We have. • And we’d need an engaged community to support the work—drawing inspiration each quarter to become the best version of themselves. Thank you! Using detailed articles, each issue of Simplify Magazine explores one relevant topic for the modern family. For our first issue, we have centered on the theme of happiness.
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In the 17th century, the great mathematician and philosopher Blaise Pascal wrote, “All men seek happiness. Whatever different means they employ, they all tend to this end. This is without exception.” The difference between one person and another, Blaise continued, is not whether they search for happiness—this is a pursuit common to all of us. What differentiates one human being from another is how they define it and where they choose to search for it. We chose happiness as our debut topic, not just because it is a universal concern, but more so because the pursuit of happiness becomes the intentional and unintentional driving force for so many of our life’s decisions. These include big decisions, little decisions, and everything in between. Happiness matters a lot to your family. Consider carefully how you will pursue it. With you on this journey, Joshua Becker, Tsh Oxenreider, Brian Gardner, Rebecca Cooper
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Find Your Happiness Project by GRETCH EN RUBI N
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One April day, on a morning just like every other morning, I had a sudden realization: I was in danger of wasting my life. As I stared out the rainspattered window of a city bus, I saw that the years were slipping by. What do I want from life, anyway? I asked myself. Well … I want to be happy. But I had never thought about what made me happy or how I might be happier. I had much to be happy about. I was married to Jamie, the tall, dark, and handsome love of my life. We had two delightful young daughters. I was a writer, after having started out as a lawyer. I was living in my favorite city, New York. I had close relationships with my parents, sister, and in-laws. I had friends. I had my health. I didn’t have to color my hair. But too often I sniped at my husband or the cable guy. I felt dejected after even a minor professional setback. I drifted out of touch with old friends. I lost my temper easily. I suffered bouts of melancholy, insecurity, listlessness, and free-floating guilt. As I looked out the blurry bus window, I saw two figures cross the street— a woman about my age trying simultaneously to balance an umbrella, look at her cell phone, and push a stroller carrying a yellow-slickered child. The sight gave me a jolt of recognition: That’s me, I thought. There I am. I have a stroller, a cell phone, an alarm clock, an apartment, a neighborhood. Right now, I’m riding the same crosstown bus that I take across the park, back and forth. This is my life—but I never give any thought to it.
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I wasn’t depressed and I wasn’t having a midlife crisis, but I was suffering from a recurrent sense of discontentment and almost a feeling of disbelief. Is this really it? I found myself wondering, then answering, Yep, this is it. I had everything I could possibly want—yet I was failing to appreciate it. Bogged down in petty complaints and passing crises, weary of struggling with my own nature, I too often failed to comprehend the splendor of what I had. I didn’t want to keep taking these days for granted. I didn’t want to look back, at the end of my life or after some great catastrophe, and think, How happy I used to be then, if only I’d realized it. I needed to think about this. How could I discipline myself to feel grateful for my ordinary day? How could I set a higher standard for myself as a wife, a mother, a writer, a friend? How could I let go of everyday annoyances to keep a larger, more transcendent perspective?
My Happiness Project Many of the greatest minds have tackled the question of happiness, so as I started my research, I plunged into Plato, Boethius, Montaigne, Bertrand Russell, Thoreau, and Schopenhauer. The world’s great religions explain the nature of happiness, so I explored a wide range of traditions, from the familiar to the esoteric. Scientific interest in positive psychology has exploded in the last few decades, and I read Martin Seligman, Daniel Kahneman, Daniel Gilbert, Barry Schwartz, Ed Diener, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, and Sonja Lyubomirsky. Popular culture, too, is bursting
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with happiness experts, so I consulted everyone from Oprah to Julie Morgenstern to David Allen. Some of the most interesting insights on happiness came from my favorite novelists, such as Leo Tolstoy, Virginia Woolf, and Marilynne Robinson. One minute I was reading philosophy and biography; the next, Psychology Today. My reading showed me that I had to answer crucial questions before I went any further. For example, did I believe it was possible to make myself happier? After all, the set-point theory holds that a person’s basic level of happiness doesn’t fluctuate much, except briefly. My conclusion: yes, it is possible. According to current research, in the determination of a person’s level of happiness, genetics accounts for about 50 percent; life circumstances, such as age, gender, ethnicity, marital status, income, health, occupation, and religious affiliation, account for about 10 to 20 percent; and the remainder is a product of how a person thinks and acts. In other words, people have an inborn disposition that’s set within a certain range, but they can boost themselves to the top of their happiness range or push themselves down to the bottom of their happiness range by their actions. This finding confirmed my own observations. It seems obvious that some people are more naturally ebullient or melancholic than others and that, at the same time, people’s decisions about how to live their lives also affect their happiness.
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Also important, I didn’t want to reject my life. I wanted to change my life without changing my life, by finding more happiness in my own kitchen. I knew I wouldn’t discover happiness in a faraway place or in unusual circumstances; it was right here, right now. Contemporary research shows that happy people are more altruistic, more productive, more helpful, more likable, more creative, more resilient, more interested in others, friendlier, and healthier. Happy people make better friends, colleagues, and citizens. I wanted to be one of those people. I asked myself if I could make myself happier, and I decided I could. Then I looked at what happiness was and what changes in my life I could make to be happier. My happiness project started in January and lasted a year—and, I hope, will last for the rest of my life.
Inspiration for Your Happiness Project It’s the rare person who can’t benefit from starting a happiness project of their own. But each person’s happiness project will be unique. A “happiness project” is an approach to changing your life. First is the preparation stage, when you identify what brings you joy, satisfaction, and engagement, and also what brings you guilt, anger, boredom, and remorse. Second is the making of resolutions, when you identify the concrete actions that will boost your happiness. Then comes the interesting part: keeping your resolutions.
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Inspiration for your project can come from any number of places. Recently, for example, my family vacation reminded me of five important tips for happiness. My college roommate was a dedicated journal keeper. She once told me, “Every once in a while I have a big insight into myself or have a major epiphany about life. The thing is, when I look back in my journals, I realize that I had exactly the same idea a few years ago—but I forgot it.” I feel the same way; it’s hard to remember the lessons I’ve learned in life. For that reason, recently before leaving on a family vacation, I went back to see what I wrote during last year’s vacation. See if these insights help you make progress on your own happiness project. 1. Fun is important to happiness. Is there such a thing as fun for the whole family? I think so, but I’ve learned that on vacation I need to make sure I make time for the things that I find fun, which in my case means reading. Sometimes I think, Why am I just lying here, reading, on such a beautiful day? I should be going for a run or playing in the ocean or learning to play tennis. But it’s a Secret of Adulthood—Just because something is fun for someone else doesn’t mean it’s fun for me. I love to read, and now I let myself read as much as I can get away with, given the realities of a family vacation. After all, I still do plenty of other things.
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And speaking of that Secret of Adulthood, the converse is true: 2. Just because something isn’t fun for me doesn’t mean that someone else won’t find it fun. For instance, grocery shopping. It finally dawned on me that my husband loves to make a quick trip to the grocery store. I kept trying to make lists and be efficient and ask if he really had to make another trip to the store, until I realized: he loves to bike over to the grocery store for a few items. One day he went four times. That’s fun for him. 3. Sleep is important to happiness. The more I learn about sleep, the more convinced I become of this fact. Sleep keeps people feeling cheerier, strengthens the immune system, and may even play a role in keeping weight off. According to one study, a bad night’s sleep was one of the top two factors that upset people’s daily moods (along with tight work deadlines). Accordingly, over the last few years, I’ve made a big effort to get more sleep. But during this vacation there were several nights when I got ten hours of sleep. Yes, I went to sleep at 9:30 p.m. and slept until 7:30 a.m., which I just wouldn’t have thought possible. This suggests to me that I may still not be getting enough sleep in my usual routine. 4. One irksome task can make vacation more fun.
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Some interesting studies suggest that interrupting a pleasant experience with something less pleasant can intensify a person’s overall pleasure. For example, commercials make TV watching more fun. For the last ten months, I’d been procrastinating about ordering a photo album from Shutterfly with our family pictures, and the task had really started to weigh on my mind. For this vacation, I decided to take a break from all work, except to do that photo album. This plan worked beautifully. Not doing my usual work made me relaxed, and having one irksome chore gave me the delicious feeling of goofing off—except when I actually did make myself do it. And I did get that task crossed off my list, which was enormously satisfying. 5. Everyone’s happiness project is different. (This is related to items 1 and 2.) I met a very nice guy who described to me how he’d fulfilled his lifelong dream of buying a farm, where he’s raising some organic crops as well as pigs, cows, and goats. He was beaming with delight as he described how much he loved every aspect of it. I can think of few things that would make me feel more miserable than having a farm like his. Happiness projects don’t look the same. What is yours going to look like? I hope you’re starting to see it.
The Duty of Being Happy
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When I’m feeling happy, I find it easier to notice other people’s problems, I have more energy to take action, I have the emotional wherewithal to tackle sad or difficult issues, and I’m not as preoccupied with myself. I feel more generous and forgiving. One of the best ways to make yourself happy is to make other people happy; one of the best ways to make other people happy is to be happy yourself. By making the effort to make yourself happier, you better equip yourself to make other people happier as well. It’s not selfish to try to be happier. In fact, the epigraph to the book The Happiness Project is a quotation from Robert Louis Stevenson: “There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy.” ... Gretchen Rubin is the author of several books, including the blockbuster New York Times bestsellers, Better Than Before, The Happiness Project, and Happier at Home. She has an enormous readership, both in print and online, and her books have sold more than two million copies worldwide, in more than thirty languages.
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What Living Danishly Taught Me About Happiness by HEL EN RUSSE LL
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I used to be one of those wild-eyed, sleep-deprived, over-caffeinated people who look like they need a nap in a darkened room. (Don’t know anyone like that? It could be you.…) Working long hours in a big, shiny job and living in London for 12 years had taken its toll and I felt shattered. I had a supportive husband and great friends but never seemed to have time to see much of them. As well as climbing the career ladder and keeping up a hectic social life, we’d also been trying for a baby for as long as either of us could remember, eventually resorting to fertility treatment. But after two years of hospital visits, my thighs were black and blue from injecting hormones daily and my spirit was broken. Something had to give. So when my husband came home one wet Wednesday and told me he’d been offered his dream job working for Lego in Denmark, this “other life” possibility was dangled in front of us. It was a chance to swap everything we knew for the unknown—in the country that had consistently been voted “happiest in the world” in polls going back to the 1970s. Lego Man, as he shall henceforth be known, begged me to move, and somehow I found myself agreeing. I quit my job to go freelance and decided I would give it a year, investigating Danish happiness firsthand— looking at a different area of living each month to find out what Danes did differently. I set out to interview psychologists, politicians, sociologists, economists, historians, geneticists, and as many Danes as I could get my hands on to help me understand the Danish mentality. From food to family
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life, and design to Danish pastries, each month I resolved to throw myself into living “Danishly” to see if it made me any happier—and if I could change the way I lived as a result. Intention set, challenge outlined, we packed all our worldly possessions into boxes and moved from central London to Denmark’s rural Jutland, where Lego HQ is based.
Happiness at Work My new home in Sticksville-on-Sea consisted of a bakery, a few boats, and an honesty box for locally grown potatoes. There were no bars, no shops, no Starbucks, nor, as it turned out, any people under the age of 60. And then my husband left to go to work and I was all on my own. I started to worry that I’d made the biggest mistake of my life. So I fired off a few emails, scarfed several pastries (see: “bakery”), and was just wondering What next? when Lego Man was home again at four p.m. I took this to be a first-day exception, easing the new boy in gently. But then the same thing happened the next day. And the one after that. And the one after that. And then Friday rolled around, and he came home at 2:30 p.m. Was he sick? Had he lost his job? Had Lego melted? (My motto: Why think rationally when you can add a little drama?) But no, he told me: “People just leave even earlier on Friday.”
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Fascinated, I spoke to sociologists and economists to find out more about work-life balance, Danish style. I learned that while the official working week is 37 hours, official figures show that the average Dane only works 33 hours. Naturally at first I presumed that this made Danes slackers. But then I discovered that workers are 12 percent more productive when they’re in a positive state of mind (so says research from the University of Warwick), that Denmark has the happiest workforce in the world (according to a Eurobarometer survey), and as a result Denmark has the second-best economy in Europe. There’s a great word that encapsulates the Danish approach to work: arbejdsglæde. It’s from arbejde, the Danish for work, and glæde, the word for happiness. It literally means “happiness at work”—something that’s essential to living the good life for Scandinavians. There’s an expectation that you’ll be happy at work, so Danes make this a priority. Crucially, there’s not the same culture of presenteeism (working while sick) as you find elsewhere, and working until 7 p.m. is more likely to earn you a lecture on efficiency and time management than a pat on the back. There’s still workplace stress and even high levels of antidepressant use, but this is because Danes expect arbejdsglæde. If they’re unhappy, they do something about it rather than soldiering on for fear that being honest about mental health problems will impact negatively on their career. Danes get help: they take six months off, after which they’re welcomed back into
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the fold. And with a short working week, you can have a life and get on in life.
Hygge The deeper I delved, the more I came to realize that Danes are world leaders at simply being kind to themselves. Danes don’t punish or deny themselves anything, investing in self-care to the same degree as the rest of us might in our career or family. My newly adopted countryfolk block out time in their calendars for hobbies, prioritize leisure activities, and make non-negotiable dates with friends in a way I hadn’t contemplated since starting on the hamster wheel of “grown-up” life. But as one of my new Viking friends put it: “You have to put your own oxygen mask on first; otherwise, you’re no use to anyone.” This was a novel idea for a guilt-ridden ex-Catholic schoolgirl to get her head around. But by making time to pursue my own interests, I had the energy and ability to thrive in other areas of life. By logging off at the end of the day to go for a walk on the beach or sing in a choir, I became better at my job and more creative as well as able to engage in pastimes I genuinely enjoyed. By doing less “work,” I was achieving more. And the rest of the world is slowly waking up to what Danes have been wise to for generations—that nurturing yourself and having a relaxed, cozy time can be incredibly good for the soul.
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The Danish phenomenon of hygge defies literal translation, but the best explanation I’ve seen is: “a complete absence of anything annoying or emotionally overwhelming; taking pleasure from the presence of gentle, soothing things.” Candlelight is key (Danes burn a higher number of candles per capita than any other nation in the world), and sweets, coffee, or beer are often involved. But hygge is really about being present, spending time with people you care about, and celebrating the simple things—as often as possible and until you feel pretty damn fabulous about the world. Studies from the UK and Denmark have found that practicing selfkindness in the form of hygge also makes us kinder to the people around us and even society at large. So hygge has a ripple effect out into the wider community, because everyone is paying forward those warm, fuzzy feelings. Parents are less frazzled; children are more relaxed; co-workers are more collaborative; and even schools get in on the act with Friday “hour” when teachers and pupils chat informally over cake. (There’s usually cake in there somewhere—it’s no wonder Danes are so happy.)
The Reason for Pram Parking This emphasis on togetherness and spreading the love has another welcome side effect: trust. Researchers who study these things say that 79 percent of Danes trust most people—a statistic I found extraordinary. (I don’t trust 79 percent of my immediate family.)
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In the UK and the US, levels of trust have fallen from 60 percent to 30 percent in the past 50 years. But in Denmark trust has always been high and has actually been on the rise in recent years. Kids are taught that the world is an essentially good place and most people are not out to get them. This trust becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, with Denmark ranking as the least corrupt country in the EU. Even politicians, notoriously untrusted in most countries, enjoy a relatively good reputation. Most Danes don’t mind paying taxes of 50 percent or more, because there’s a trust that the government will spend the money wisely and that everyone else will also contribute their fair share. Danes see the services they get in return and figure they’re getting a fair deal. That living Danishly is worth it. Their basic needs are, for the most part, taken care of by the state, funded by taxes—so they trust the people around them. Which isn’t the case in a lot of places around the world. There’s a famous story of a Danish woman in New York who left her baby outside a restaurant in its pram (or stroller, as Americans would call it) and was arrested for neglect. But in Denmark, babies are routinely left outside in their prams to sleep and get fresh air. There’s a trust that no one is going to steal them. As several Danish friends independently assured me, “no one steals babies in Denmark.” Which is lucky, as it turned out. Because six months into our year of living Danishly, I discovered I was, finally, pregnant.
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Families Living Danishly At the start of 2014, I gave birth to a baby boy, and it was this experience that really won me around to the advantages of “living Danishly.” Our neighbors left a wooden stork outside our house, as is the custom in Denmark, to warn the mail delivery person to tread lightly for a while— and I came to learn that Denmark is a great place to have kids. Parents get 52 weeks of leave to share between them so men don’t miss out on spending time with their kids and the business of childrearing is shared more equally. So after two weeks of paternity leave post birth, my husband went back to work before tying up loose ends to take 10 weeks off to care for our mini Viking. Because a dad taking time out, fully paid, to look after his child is recognized as something that’s important and so is encouraged. As a result, fathers bond with their babies far sooner than those cramming in quality time at weekends. Lego Man learned how to change nappies, how to do bath time and bedtime, and how you can feel like you’re going insane by 2 p.m. on a Tuesday when all you want is an hour’s uninterrupted sleep. And maybe a shower. He came to understand how looking after an infant 24 hours a day can be hugely rewarding but that it’s also relentlessly tough. He knows that, some days, all you need is for someone to come home and say: “You’re doing a great job—have some ice cream!”
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And then we both went back to work, since kids are guaranteed a place in high-quality state-run day care from six months of age in Denmark, the cost 75 percent subsidized via taxes. All this at a time when friends back home have had to give up their jobs as they can’t afford child care. Because it’s totally doable to have a family and a career, 85 percent of Danish mothers return to work, and domestic chores are shared more equally between the sexes. It’s as if Danes recognize that caregiving is just as important as breadwinning—and it doesn’t matter who’s doing what. Children also get to grow up free in Denmark. Preschoolers play outside, come sleet or snow, and are encouraged to run, jump, fight, and fall (often, if my own is anything to go by) without anyone rushing in to arbitrate. The idea of the “terrible twos” and “threenagers” are alien to Danes, who class toddlerdom as trodsalder, or “the boundary age,” when it’s accepted that pushing the limits is normal rather than naughty. This makes meltdowns in the mall or that awkward moment when your three year old defecates in a friend’s playhouse (just for example…) far more bearable—and no one gets judged.
Living Danishly…Anywhere Of course, living in the land of Nord isn’t all a hippy-haven cakewalk. The weather’s terrible, the 50 percent tax rate takes some getting used to, and Denmark faces many of the same problems as the rest of the world—but these are countries with none of Denmark’s advantages. From my research
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and experiences, I’ve come to the conclusion that the pollsters were right: living Danishly can make you happier. So, at the end of our first year, we decided to stay—and now we’re in our fifth year. We’re happier. We’re more relaxed; we have our priorities straight; and we trust more. Oh, and I’m expecting twins next week. But you don’t need to emigrate to get a slice of the happy Dane action. Everyone can live a little more Danishly by prioritizing leisure, pleasure, and family. So leave work on time. Eat that pastry. Block out time for a hobby. Play with your kids, letting them get muddy and even fall down occasionally. Remember the simple things that make you happy—seeing friends or family, lighting a candle, brewing a fresh cup of coffee, or just having a bacon sandwich. See? You’re feeling better already. ... Helen Russell is the author of the bestselling The Year of Living Danishly: Uncovering the Secrets of the World’s Happiest Country, now published in 18 countries worldwide. She can be found tweeting @MsHelenRussell and on Facebook @MsHelenRussell. Her new book, Leap Year: How to Make Big Decisions, Be More Resilient, and Change Your Life for Good is out now.
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Learning to Take Care of Our Relationships by RO BERT WALDI NGER
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When people have grown old and look back on their lives, what do they say is most important? What are they proudest of? What do they wish they’d done more of while they had the chance? My colleagues and I have studied these questions for over 78 years. We didn’t just ask older people to remember their lives. We actually started studying them as teenagers and tracked their health and well-being until they died. We started in the late 1930s and early 1940s with a group of men who agreed to be part of one of the longest studies of adult life ever done. The Harvard Study of Adult Development has tracked the lives of 724 persons —268 Harvard College sophomores and 456 boys from Boston’s inner city —from the time they were teenagers into old age. Using questionnaires, interviews, medical records, and scans of blood and brains, we monitored their physical and mental health, their work lives, their friendships, and their romances. So, when all is said and done, what makes a good life? What keeps people happy and healthy? Here are some of the big lessons we’ve learned about what contributes to a good life as well as how parents can help themselves and their children put these lessons into practice: 1. Happy childhoods matter.
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Having warm relationships with parents in childhood predicts that you will have warmer and more secure relationships with those closest to you in adulthood. We found that warm childhoods reached across decades to predict more secure relationships with spouses at age 80. A close relationship with at least one siblingin childhood predicts that people are less likely to become depressed by age 50. And warmer childhood relationships predict better physical health in adulthood all the way into old age. What message can parents take away from this finding? Basically, consistent emotional warmth and engagement matter a lot in raising happy, healthy children—probably more than anything else. Parents, siblings, grandparents, and others in the household can all make children feel loved and connected. One myth that parents sometimes hear is that warm parenting will “spoil” children. This is not true. In fact, warmth from parents gives children the sense of being lovable that they need to feel good about themselves as they grow up and move out into the world. Warmth is sometimes confused with a lack of limits. In fact, the ideal parenting style is warmth combined with clear structure and limits, so children feel secure knowing the rules and expectations. I know this raises some questions.
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Does everything need to be peaceful and happy all the time in your household? Absolutely not. No family is without conflict. Disagreements are a natural part of living together. And conflicts at home offer us a wonderful opportunity for teaching children how to work through disagreements at school, with friends, and eventually in the adult world. Does having any unhappiness in childhood ruin our children’s lives? Of course not. In fact, some stress or difficulty is essential for kids’ emotional growth. It helps them develop ways of coping with obstacles, with disappointments, with negative emotions such as anger and sadness and envy. The key is whether children have the help they need in coping with difficulties so they are not overwhelmed by them. At each stage of life, kids need help managing their troubles, whether it’s scooping up a toddler and holding her until the tantrum is over or reminding a teenager of his good qualities in the midst of a romantic break-up. And what about the big traumas that happen to children? Even those can be buffered with the right kind of support. For example, when divorce divides a family, parents can keep from using their children as pawns in the couple’s conflict. They can help children understand that the divorce is not the child’s fault (a common assumption). 2. The sting of difficult childhoods can be eased by fostering the welfare of the next generation.
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People who grow up in difficult childhood environments (chaotic families, economic uncertainty) grow old less happily than those who have more fortunate childhoods. But by the time these people reach middle age (ages 50 to 65), those who mentor the next generation—guiding younger adults at home or at work—are happier and better adjusted than those who do not. The kind of maturation needed to nurture younger people also seems to reduce some of the sting of growing up disadvantaged. Volunteering as a family is a powerful learning experience for kids. I’m talking about things such as serving food at a soup kitchen, collecting toys for refugee children, and helping to build houses for people who need shelter. These can be important bonding experiences for the family, and they help children learn how good it feels to be of help to those who need it. These childhood experiences set the stage for adult volunteering and mentoring—activities that make us happier and keep us more connected to others as we go through life. 3. Coping effectively with stress has lifelong benefits. We all have habitual ways of managing stress and relieving anxiety. Some coping styles involve ignoring uncomfortable facts, while others involve facing facts and dealing with what is unpleasant. For example, someone who is angry at his boss might “forget about it” but start missing important work deadlines. Alternatively, he might find a way to take up his concerns directly with that boss.
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We found that the people who cope with stress by engaging more directly with reality, rather than pushing it away, have better relationships with others. This coping style makes them easier for others to deal with, which in turn makes people want to help them. They end up having better relationships and more social support, and this predicts healthier aging in their 60s and 70s. People who use these more adaptive coping mechanisms in middle age also end up with brains that stay sharper longer. Parents are the first and most important teachers when it comes to coping with stress. When children observe us facing difficulties directly, persevering through hard times, and getting help from others, they come to see these as tools they can use in their own lives. On the other hand, when they see parents avoiding problems, blaming others instead of finding solutions, and turning to quick fixes such as drugs or alcohol, children put these into their coping tool boxes. One helpful question that parents can ask themselves during hard times is, What am I teaching my child right now about coping skills? 4. Breaking bad habits earlier in life makes a difference. One example of a bad habit is smoking. When we monitored people’s smoking habits across adulthood, we discovered that those who quit earlier are less likely to develop lung disease as they grow old. They are also more likely to live longer than people who do not quit smoking or who quit later in life.
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Stopping smoking early, of course, is just one way of changing your habits and benefiting yourself. Getting off the couch and starting to exercise earlier also predicts that you’ll stay healthy longer in life, that your brain will stay sharper, and even that your immune system will be stronger. Modeling self-care for our kids is an important part of parenting. That includes eating well, exercising, using alcohol moderately, and quitting smoking. It also includes taking time out for walks, for meditation, or for other activities that nourish us and restore our energy. Caring for ourselves physically and emotionally sends our children the powerful message that it’s important to pay attention to what their minds and bodies need. 5. Time with others makes us happier. Looking back on their lives, people most often report their time with others as being the most meaningful part of life and what they’re proudest of. Time with other people makes us happier on a day-to-day basis, and time with a close partner buffers us against the mood dips that come with increased physical pain. Electronic screens—tablets, laptops, smartphones—threaten to separate kids from other people and can prevent them from developing friendships. Parents can monitor screen use, especially when children are young. They can limit children’s screen time and make sure that kids are spending time making friends and participating in real-world group activities. Only
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through play and relating to other children can they develop the social skills that are so important throughout life. The path of least resistance is for parents to let children have all the screen time they want, even to use screens as electronic babysitters. In this age when electronics are threatening to hijack our minds, making sure that children spend most of their time in the real world with real people is one of the greatest gifts we have to offer them.
The Unfolding Evidence More information about the study and about our research findings can be found at http://www.robertwaldinger.com and http:// www.adultdevelopmentstudy.org. We are now studying the children of all of these men. Almost 1,300 of these Baby Boomers in the second generation have already participated in our study, and we hope to know more about what helps people thrive across generations. Stay tuned. ... Robert Waldinger is a Harvard psychiatrist, Zen priest, and psychoanalyst. He direct the Harvard Study of Adult Development, which is possibly the longest study of adult life ever done. More information about the study and about the research findings can be found at his website and at Harvard Study of Adult Development.
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Chasing a Richer, Fuller Level of Happiness by JOSHUA BECKER
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My friend Jason and his wife are in their early forties. Four years ago they had three school-aged children when they adopted a 12 year old from the New Jersey foster care system. Understanding that their lives would be forever changed by the decision, they moved forward because they knew it was the right thing to do—they had an opportunity to change someone’s life and they couldn’t pass it up. Today, life looks a lot different for them than it once did. The challenges of parenting a child who has experienced more than children should have to endure has stretched each person in the family in ways they never imagined. As Jason and I shared a cup of coffee last week, I was curious how he’d narrate his family’s journey. “Joshua, I’ve got to be honest—it’s hard,” he said during a moment of openness and vulnerability. “Some days at home are better than others, but there continue to be a lot of really rough moments.” I listened and nodded while knowing deep in my heart I had no idea the depths of emotional and physical struggle their family has faced in recent years. Jason continued, “You know what’s weird? Maybe the hardest part is everything I have been forced to confront about myself through all this: struggles I thought I had overcome in my life and lessons that I didn’t
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think I had left to learn. All my assumptions about what the perfect American life is supposed to look like have been challenged.” A follow-up question came to mind—one that I struggled to ask because I did not want it to be misinterpreted by him in any way. I proceeded slowly, almost apologetically, to ask, “Jason, would you say that you are happier now?” He set down his cup and looked off into the distance as if to clear his mind to ensure the words came out right. After a long, contemplative breath, he replied. “I am happier. But it’s hard to describe. I would say that I now have a deeper, richer view of happiness than I had before.” Jason had discovered, the hard way, that a life that is deeply satisfying can look very different than the one he’d once expected. “It’s kinda like I look back on my life before, how I measured happiness, and see that there’s this deeper level of joy in my life now,” he continued. “Yeah, it would be great to have the newer car, or the house renovation, or the white picket fence and the picture-perfect family, but I think that kind of happiness is short-lived. Or at least happiness can look very different than that. I am experiencing a deep satisfaction and happiness because we know that this is what we were meant to do.” Boom.
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Jason named something I have been trying to find the words to communicate for a long time: our deepest happiness in life stems from fulfilling purpose. Doing the best we can, where we are, with what we’ve been given is the best way to live a life of meaning and significance. It’s how to be happy.
The Lie We’ve Been Fed Jason’s experience of happiness flies in the face of what most people in Western society have been conditioned to believe about where happiness can be found. Retailers, advertisers, and marketers of every stripe have led us to believe that we’ll be happy with the next thing we attain. This is the underlying message of every advertising campaign—that we are not as happy or fulfilled as we would be with their product in our life. So we spend our time, energy, and resources on that which, in the long run, fails to satisfy. A recent article in USA Today put a price tag on the American dream so many of us have been taught is our birthright. According to their calculations—counting house, car, necessities, simple luxuries, even savings and retirement—it costs $103,357 to live the American dream. I find this incredibly foolish. I’ve spent 90 percent of my life making less than half that dollar figure and have never felt deprived in any way. But even more telling and unfortunate to me is how the article’s writers
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defined the American Dream. To them, it requires a $275,000 house, a 4WD SUV, restaurants, entertainment, vacations, even a maxed-out 401k plan. This is how they define happiness—in material terms, and material terms only. This is the message we are constantly fed. As a result: We continually seek happiness in the next purchase—clothing, phones, tech gadgets, cars, houses. We continually seek happiness in the next job or a bigger paycheck—more prestige, more power, more satisfaction, more dollars. We continually seek happiness in the next physical enhancement—tauter skin, slimmer figure, larger muscles. We continually seek happiness in the next escape—clubs, television, vacations, addictions. We continually seek happiness in the next relationship—the next woman or man who will meet our needs. And while these pursuits may pay off for a moment of pleasure, they consistently fail to deliver lasting happiness. That’s why we constantly pursue more and more of them—but are never fully satisfied. You can never accumulate enough of that which will never make you happy.
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Many of us are so busy chasing the next thing that we never pause to ask if what we’re after will truly satisfy. So we feel a pang of envy scrolling through our sister-in-law’s St. Thomas vacation photos. We may long for the leisure enjoyed by our neighbor, who retired at 55 and now plays golf every day. We might even quietly believe that the parents of our child’s friend are happier because of what they wear, where they live, and what they drive. But when we pause from our scramble long enough to reflect, we notice that the folks who are “living the dream” aren’t as happy as we expected they might be. They are off chasing the next attainment just as feverishly as we are. When we’re in our right minds, we recognize that lasting happiness must be found somewhere else than the pursuit of more perks and pleasures. My friend Sandra is someone who has been able to pause and name what makes her deeply satisfied.
Living to the Fullest Sandra owns a popular local restaurant and employs teens to bus tables there. Sandra shared with me that a 17-year-old girl started working at the restaurant on a Mother’s Day, which was wildly busy. As the young employee was punching her timecard at the end of the day, Sandra asked her how she felt about her first day.
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With an exhausted look on her face, the girl remarked, “I am so tired.” Sandra, who’d also hustled throughout the day, added, “I know! Doesn’t it feel great?” The young girl, clearly surprised by her boss’s comment, mustered, “Uh…I don’t know if that’s what I was going to say…” Sandra laughed as she recounted the story to me, explaining, “There’s just this wonderful feeling to know that you’ve put your whole heart into something and lived your day to the fullest. That you didn’t waste it. You made the most of it!” What Sandra was describing about work is also true in life. We experience meaning and satisfaction when we get to the end of the day, end of the year, end of the season, and know that we put everything we had into what we were doing. That we gave our all to something bigger than us. That kind of meaning and purpose simply can’t be found among life’s more fleeting pleasures. Those things may add short moments of happiness and pleasure, but we experience the most authentic, longest-lasting happiness when we fulfill the role we’ve been called to live. We taste it, not as we strive to please ourselves, but as we offer the benefit we’re designed to provide in the world.
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If you know what your purpose is, that’s great. If you don’t, let me suggest one simple step you can take today. Who is one person in your life who needs what you can offer? A child, a co-worker, a friend, or maybe a customer at your business? What benefit can you bring into that person’s world today? This—living a life not for ourselves but for others—is at the root of that deeper happiness we were each made for. And the big win is that it’s not available only to the privileged few! A 15-year-old girl who hosts a fundraiser to build an orphanage can experience authentic happiness. A woman who cares for an ailing parent can enjoy knowing that she is doing the most with what she has. A man with a Ph.D. who’s just completed drug rehab and is working at Home Depot can choose happiness by serving others on the job. The parent who can’t afford to take his family to Disneyland can use his vacation days to build a Habitat for Humanity home with his teenage son. Experiencing satisfaction by doing the best we can, right where we are, with what we’ve been given is going to look different for each person. The mom of a colicky newborn might count it a win to get to the end of the day having only broken down in tears twice. The retired financial
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consultant might help a struggling nonprofit stay afloat financially. A father who coaches his daughter’s Little League team after work might spend two extra hours a week with a boy who’s never known his father. You can tackle what is in front of you today with confidence that as you purpose to benefit others where you are, with what you’ve been given, you can enjoy meaning and satisfaction.
When Happiness Doesn’t Look Like What You Expected Because selfless living, in service to others, is what we’re made for, we can even experience happiness when life doesn’t turn out the way we thought it might. Helen was working as a pediatric nurse when a newborn with special needs was abandoned at the hospital where she worked. Helen and her husband, a respected attorney and leader in their community, decided to adopt this little girl. Six months later, Helen’s husband died unexpectedly, leaving her to raise two teenage daughters and an infant with special needs all on her own. That was 10 years ago. By no stretch of the imagination is anyone who is searching for happiness going to look at Helen’s family and aspire to walk the road they’ve traveled.
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Honestly, there’s no earthly reason why Helen should be happy. She doesn’t check any of the boxes that our culture has used to measure success. And yet today she experiences a kind of satisfaction in life that most of us only dream about. It’s not based on the size of her house, the model of her car, or the cash available in her savings account. It is a happiness based on something far greater and built on realities that can never perish, spoil, or fade. She has done the best she can with the one life she’s been given. And when she lays her head down on the pillow each night, she can feel fully satisfied with the life she has lived that day. I don’t believe finding deep happiness is ever a walk in the park. It doesn’t always look like the images we see in ads or even a stress-free life. Not every day is cheerful bliss. Sometimes happiness is hard and messy. Sometimes it feels like achy legs or sheer exhaustion. Sometimes a life that is deeply satisfying looks very different than the one we thought we were promised. Income can’t determine our happiness. Life’s unavoidable losses can’t determine our happiness. Illness can’t determine our happiness.
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Unexpected challenges, ones that we never imagined when we were dreaming the dreams for our lives, can’t determine our happiness. Even relationships, ultimately, cannot determine our happiness. Lasting satisfaction can be ours only when we invest our life into those things that are worthy of the one life we’ve been given.
Choosing Happiness If you’re weary of chasing after pleasures that fail to satisfy, and itching to experience a deeper satisfaction in life, let these three thoughts be your guide: First, dig in right where you are. Care for the people in your kitchen. Your swing set. Your carpool. Your neighborhood. Your soccer field. Second, use what you have. Do you enjoy cooking? Do you interact with people in your day job? Can you do simple home repairs? Use the opportunities and gifts you’ve already been given. Third, benefit others. Though our natural instinct is to please ourselves, open your eyes to those around you who might be in need. How can you do good for the people in your orbit—neighbors, strangers, people who speak a language other than English, children without parents, folks who look different than you?
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Tackle what is in front of you with confidence as you purpose to benefit others where you are, with what you’ve been given. You will find joy and lasting meaning in it. You will discover happiness. ... Joshua Becker is the founder and editor of Becoming Minimalist, a website that inspires 1 million readers each month to own less and live more. He is also the best-selling author of The More of Less and founder of The Hope Effect, a nonprofit organization changing orphan care around the world.
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Could Unhappiness Be the Secret to Raising Happy Kids? by DENAYE B ARAH ONA
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Imagine this. After much searching, you have found the perfect birthday gift for your child. He or she rips into the wrapped present. Suddenly— there it is! There’s nothing that quite compares to the way a child’s face lights up when he or she first sets eyes on a great present, is there? The child is thrilled and we feel great about creating the moment. For many parents, it’s these moments of elation that define happiness. We want to give our children everything. Ultimately, we’d like to give them a lifetime of pure and utter joy. When our kids are happy, we are happy. But when it comes to our children, could short-term happiness lead to long-term unhappiness?
What the Evidence Says Children frequently plead to buy the newest gadget. They regularly wish to be relieved of chores and responsibilities. What kid doesn’t want to stay out past curfew or hang out at the playground for “just 10 more minutes”? And indulging children in such cravings will in fact result in a temporary, dopamine-driven sense of happiness. The evidence, however, shows that children who are continuously indulged in childhood may not be happier as a result.
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Two researchers at the University of South Carolina studied the role that parenting style had on the quality of life in children. This study of 1,201 middle and high school students showed that, when parents set limits and monitored their children closely, these children had increased levels of life satisfaction. The children were better adjusted and happier. Parents who have an indulgent parenting style are typically loving, nurturing, and very involved with children. But these well-intentioned parents are permissive, which results in a reluctance to impose limits and dole out responsibilities to their kids. Why? Because they don’t want to rock the boat. They want their kids to be happy! But evidence further shows us that children who are indulged throughout childhood may face long-term struggles with delinquent behavior and poor decision making. As these children of permissive parents grow older, they have more issues with school misconduct, lower levels of academic achievement, and higher levels of substance use. One study looked at 4,100 adolescents between 14 and 18 years of age. It found that children who grew up in indulgent homes were more disengaged from school. These children also engaged in a signiďŹ cantly higher number of deviant behaviors, such as substance abuse and school misconduct.
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Another study conducted by a researcher at the University of North Carolina investigated parent-child pairs over the course of three years. This research found that parents who were permissive had children with higher levels of alcohol use during the teen years. It turns out that, to be happy in the long term, children need certain things from parents that might result in a temporary sense of unhappiness. So even though it may seem strange, it’s true: unhappiness is the secret to raising happy kids. Are you ready for what this means for you?
5 Ways to Promote Long-Term Happiness in Your Children The very things that kids need most can make them unhappy. Studies have shown that competent children are raised by parents who aren’t afraid of this reality. These parents recognize the need to balance love, nurturance, and responsibility. Parents who set more limits and give responsibilities are generally more capable and well adjusted. These parents are effective because they are less likely to fear an unhappy response from their children. When parents are comfortable with facing unhappy children, they are more likely to find the delicate balance between being demanding and
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being responsive. The research shows that striking this balance will help to protect children from drug use and school problems as they grow into adolescents. Consciously children crave indulgence. But unconsciously they thrive on moderation. Evidence suggests that happiness and well-being depend on such moderation. Therefore, the path to raising children who are happy over the long term as adults is often marked with episodes of causing short-term unhappiness to children. But this path is worth traveling. These five strategies to will help to get you there. 1. Provide consistent discipline. When it comes to discipline, say what you mean and mean what you say. As parents, we need to find firm footing to stand up for our family values and expectations. If you have a rule against screen time on school days, don’t allow screen time on school days. When we allow our children to coerce us into breaking our own rules, we are giving them the leeway to break those rules themselves. In its simplest form, discipline means education. So instead of honing in on punishment and cutting out the bad behaviors, we should focus our discipline on teaching new, prosocial behaviors.
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As parents, we are guiding children. This means we fuss less and hustle less on the minor infractions. Instead, we focus on establishing good behaviors and building decision-making skills. 2. Set sensible limits and rules. In defiance of conventional rules, at our house the kids are allowed to jump on the bed. Why? Because I don’t have any good reason why they shouldn’t. As best we can, my husband and I don’t have arbitrary rules that we can only explain with “Because I said so.” Try that. When you make rules and set limits, ensure that you have reasoning to back them up. Because if discipline is all about education, then we need to educate our kids on why we have the rules we do. Now, let’s say our bed was a fragile antique. In that case I would certainly have a rule against jumping on it. I could explain the reasoning behind this rule to a child of any age. But that’s not the case with jumping on our bed —and it’s not the case with many of the rules we parents try to enforce. Skip the rules you can’t explain. Set limits and boundaries that reflect your family values, and once you set those limits, be calm yet assertive when you enforce them. 3. Encourage independence.
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Any parent will tell you that children grow up too fast. As they grow, it’s our job to encourage them to be independent. An independent child will make your job easier as a parent, but the real value in promoting independence comes within the child. Children who are given the time and space to grow and experiment with independence and risk-taking are likely to be more confident and better at problem-solving. Children who have been coddled often resist independence. Why should they bother handling a difficult matter themselves—whether it’s a disagreement between siblings, a tough science project, or tying their shoes —when they have parents to do it for them? The Dalai Lama said, “Give the ones you love wings to fly, roots to come back, and reasons to stay.” As parents, we are there to listen and respond and yet give our children space to stretch out and exercise their wings to fly. To raise happy children, we need to allow our children the space to regulate their own emotions and problem-solve through the challenges that life brings. Even if it pains us to see them struggle. 4. Schedule downtime.
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The children of today tend to get uncomfortable with downtime. Once into a routine of being busy, they crave busyness. But as parents we know that children need calm and quiet to thrive. Childhood anxiety is a rising epidemic of our time. Our children are stressed and overwhelmed, and this reality is wreaking havoc on the mental health of the generation. This means we need to actively pursue downtime on behalf of our children. There is great value in spending time not doing anything that’s pre-planned or pre-organized. Children and adults of all ages need this time to engage in unstructured play. Unstructured play will result in more calmness and creativity within children. Even if our children have great passion for playing soccer, going to scouting events, singing in the choir, or other worthy activities, we need to pursue downtime on their behalf. This means we shouldn’t allow or encourage them to “do it all.” Kids need downtime alone, downtime with family, and downtime with friends. 5. Remember your own need for happiness. We parents love our children fiercely. So much so that we can put our children’s happiness before our own. This is a mistake.
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Not only do children mirror their parents’ behavior, but they also mirror their parents’ emotions. Researchers Myrna Weissman, Davis Gammon, and Karen John studied the impact that parental depression has on children. In their study, children who grew up with depressed parents were significantly more likely to be depressed themselves. That depression was also likely to begin from an earlier age. With this in mind, why wouldn’t we make it a priority to take care of ourselves? We will not be able to raise happy children if happiness escapes us.
The Long View You want your children to be happy, but at the same time you are responsible for raising them to be competent, well-balanced human beings over the long term. To do this, throughout the ups and downs of childhood, you have to get comfortable with the whole gamut of feelings and emotions expressed by your kids—including unhappiness. Someday they will thank you for it. ... Denaye Barahona is the voice behind Simple Families. Simple Families is a blog, podcast, and community that helps mothers thrive through simple
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living. Denaye has a Ph.D. in child development and has spent her career coaching families to more harmonious lives with young children. She is happily married with two children.
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Simplifying Motherhood and Having a Happy Family by ERI N LO ECH NER
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By day, I research trends and change diapers and write essays and design products and answer emails and speak at international events and say another prayer and brew another coffee and travel the world and read a chapter and kiss a skinned knee and battle imperfections and curate art and fry bacon and change my outfit and honor my husband and style lookbooks and sing lullabies and search for that ubiquitous missing sock yet again. By night, I write it all down here.
Simplifying Motherhood The easy things are never good and the good things are never easy. Isn’t there a saying about that? Somewhere? In better words? (Google this later.) Motherhood, as I know it, is not easy. But it is so, so good. When Ken and I were new parents—zombies, really—we chatted with friends who were a bit further along in their parenting journey. And I’ll never forget what they shared around a dinner table of take-out pizza and paper napkins and ice cream straight out of the carton: “You have this routine that you do every day, over and over, without fail. And then one day you wake up and realize you haven’t done that in what, two months?”
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When Bee was a fussy newborn, Ken and I would take turns eating dinner while the other strolled her around the kitchen island in circles—once, twice, however many times it would take her to stop crying (43 times?). We did this Every. Single. Night, starting at approximately 6 p.m. until what felt like forever. It was clockwork, really. Impressive stuff. Just as the pasta would boil over, so would she, and we’d run to the hallway to get the stroller, throw in a few earplugs, and start circling. I don’t know that the kitchen island loop was the only thing that worked for her, but it was the option that seemed to anger her least, so it stuck. Friends and family would call and invite us to dinner, and we found ourselves politely declining or asking if they could come to us, perhaps, because of The Circling? It was a whole thing. Each and every night, from 6 p.m. until forever. But then, just like our friend had said, one night we found ourselves not circling. And then the next night, and the next. And all of the sudden, Bee wasn’t a baby that screamed for three hours a night and we weren’t a family that took turns eating while the other walked miles around refrigerators and ovens and kitchen sinks.
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It’s bizarre, really, how quickly routines shift and change and adapt. And how quickly babies do the same. One of my favorite brands that gets this is The Honest Company. Before Bee was born, we signed up for their Diapers/Wipes bundle, which sends a set amount of diapers and wipes to your door each month. And I remember how we’d always have to order extra wipes in those early days, because we’d use them for everything—high chairs, toys, bums—and then, as Bee grew, it seemed she needed less of the wiping and more of… everything else. And so, we adapted our bundle to the new routine: less wipes, larger diapers. We added an Essentials bundle as The Honest Company grew—a box filled to the brim with laundry detergent and room fresheners and a dish soap that smells of lavender. Soon, we’ll add a Health & Wellness bundle when vitamins and supplements and rubs take center stage. I suppose—in a way—our bundles have been like time capsules for us; products arriving in cardboard that mark a new season each and every month. Size 1, then 2, then 3 and 4. More wipes, less wipes, no wipes. From diapers to training pants, from shampoo to conditioner. And isn’t that what motherhood is about? The changing and shifting and adapting to what works for you and your family—in this moment, in this day, in this season.
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It’s not easy, but it’s simple. And so, so good.
Chasing Slow: Courage to Journey Off the Beaten Path And then there’s this… A journal entry from last year. April 30th, 12:04 a.m., to be exact: “The laptop glows in our darkened kitchen and I hear only muffled sounds —small swells of laughter from the basement as Ken hosts a late-night birthday party for friends, Bernie re-positioning underneath my chair into the shape of a question mark, the dining room clock ticking, ticking, ticking.” It’s hard to change what’s changing you. It’s hard to know when you’re finished with something so big, so personal. There are always cuts to make. There are always sentences to fix. There are a million ways to do better. At some point, I suppose you just have to accept that it’s fine. That it’s better than fine—that it’s good, even. That it will never be perfect, and wrinkling your brow over switchbacks/timelines/commas/colons will do nothing but delay the gift you wanted to give in the first place. The gift you wanted to receive, too.
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In truth, I am terrible at self-promotion. I still hold this oddly placed belief that what will be will be, that these things work themselves out, that whoever is meant to read my words will read my words with or without any prodding on my part. Writing the book changed me a little, and anything else feels like greed. Chasing Slow is about turning away from fast and fame and frenzy. It’s about blazing a trail toward a new-fashioned lifestyle—one that will refresh your perspective, renews your priorities, and shift your focus to what matters most. Life’s answers are not always hidden where they seem. It’s time to venture off the beaten path to see that we’ve already been given everything we need. I am pursing minimalism. I know this to be true. I want less, and I want simplicity, and I want to spend my days connecting and caring, not consuming and competing. And with this journey, my life—and my family’s life—is happy.
An Interview with Erin Loechner SM: In your book, Chasing Slow, you talk about minimalism quite a bit. Here’s an excerpt: “I am pursuing minimalism. I know this to be true. I
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want less, and I want simplicity, and I want to spend my days connecting and caring, not consuming and competing.” Can you share with us how that is going for you and what area(s) in your life this is still a struggle? Erin: Absolutely. Having chased the fast life and also chased the slow one, I can personally attest that we can struggle through both with the same amount of grit. Because my natural bent is minimalism, my challenge is to accept the life I’ve been given: one that sometimes arrives with a fair amount of excess. The struggle for me is to offer both grace and gratitude for the days in which life feels far from simple. SM: It’s been said (wink) that pursuing a slow life can be just as exhausting as pursuing the fast one. You are a wife and a mother, and as you know, those are critical roles. How do you manage balancing family life, work life, and personal life—while trying to maintain a slow life? Erin: It’s important for me to have a hierarchy in which to prioritize my many roles. In my current season, serving my husband and children calls for the bulk of my energy, so my personal and work lives are often secondary commitments. There’s a lot of “No” in my vocabulary right now, but I know that over time, pruning offers much growth. SM: Looking back, is there anything you would have done differently with decisions you’ve made, as they pertain to your family?
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Erin: It sounds trite, but I’ve never been in the business of regret. The lessons I’ve learned from (many!) mistakes have been invaluable, and for me, the very act of imbalance is what offers me balance. Getting comfortable with the discomfort—that’s one of the most beautiful tenets of life, isn’t it? ... Erin Loechner is the author of Chasing Slow and founder of Design for Mankind. She has been blogging and speaking for more than a decade. Her heartfelt writing and design work has been showcased in The New York Times, Lucky, Parenting, Dwell, Marie Claire, Elle Decor, Huffington Post, and a two-season HGTV.com web special, garnering over one million fans worldwide.
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The Red Baseball Cap: Scenes From a Less-is-More Life by BRI AN GAR DNER
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I. Rural West Virginia, 1958 The boy flipped his bright-red baseball cap around on his head so that the bill faced forward as his father drove their Chevy pickup down a winding country road. It was barely summer—the end of May—and a cool breeze rushed in through the open window. Billy, the eight-year-old boy, smiled the kind of smile a kid smiles when he gets to spend a few uninterrupted hours with his dad. He was tuned in perfectly to what his dad was doing, mimicking the way he placed his forearm in the open window frame and leaned his head back against the headrest, letting the breeze blow gently over his face. Billy closed his eyes and felt content and at peace with the world. Finally they arrived at the lake. Billy climbed out of his side of the pickup and walked around to the tailgate, waiting for instructions from his father about what to do next. His dad slowly unloaded what they needed, only a few things. He handed the young boy his rod, then said, “Take care of this rod, son. It’s a nice one and I want you to have it for a long, long time.” He also handed the boy a small cooler, which Billy gripped proudly as he balanced the fishing rod in his other hand. The father grabbed his own rod and the tackle box and the two made their way down to the pier.
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The water glimmered in the evening sunlight. They weren’t going to have many hours left to fish, but a few would be enough. Both the father and his son lived for times like this, just a little while spent together beside the water. The father taught his young boy how to bait the hook and how to cast the line, then the two of them would sit silent for long periods of time, until they got a bite and the father could teach his son how to reel in the catch, gut it, clean it, and preserve it in the cooler of ice. After several cycles of this, Billy turned to his dad. “Dad, why do you do this?” “What do you mean?” the father asked. “I mean, why do you like coming out here so much?” The young one and the older one sat there for a few minutes in relative silence, listening to the water slapping against the wooden posts of the pier in a rhythmic pattern, over and over and over again. Finally the father turned to his son and said something that Billy would never forget. “Someday, son, you’ll know this is true in a way that you cannot know now. For now, you’ll just have to trust me. More often than not in life, less is more.”
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Billy listened closely. He didn’t fully understand. But he loved his dad. He trusted him. And therefore Billy knew he was probably right.
II. Raleigh, North Carolina, 1976 Bill rushed to find the small black bag packed with all the necessities he and his wife would need for the next couple of days. Her contractions had started a few hours ago and now they were coming closer and closer together and it was time. This was the day everything was going to change for him. Forever. According to his wife, the bag was right around the doorway to the upstairs bedroom closet. And sure enough—there it was, exactly as she said it would be. As hurried as he was, he nevertheless paused for a minute, remembering a time when this closet would have been packed so full of things they didn’t need that the bag would have gotten lost in there. Memories of digging through piles of things to search for that one thing he needed flooded his brain. Suddenly he felt gratitude wash over him for how simple things were these days, how much space that gave him to pay attention to the things that mattered. He flung the bag over his shoulder and raced to meet his wife, who was waiting in the car. They were expecting a boy. The past nine months had included getting the nursery ready, trying to make good decisions about what they actually
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needed and what was too much since they’d been trying to keep things simple. Bill gripped the steering wheel as he thought about how much he wished his dad could be here to meet his grandson. Unfortunately, he’d passed away earlier that year, just after they’d found out they were pregnant. Never before in his life had Bill been so devastated as when his dad died. And the only relative good that had come from the loss was that it had given him the motivation he needed to actually begin making the changes he’d been desperate to make in his life. He still owned the same shop, but he’d arranged things so that these days he was working less, reading more, taking more walks, and spending more time with his wife. From the driver’s seat in the car, he looked over at his wife and couldn’t help but notice how she was absolutely glowing, even as she winced in pain. She was the most amazing gift he’d ever been given. The couple arrived at the downtown hospital and were checked into their room. Within an hour, labor was ramping up and Bill’s wife was writhing in pain. He held her hand, not knowing what else he could do to help. “You can do this,” he kept encouraging her. He knew this was true, but he felt trite saying it because he realized that he was not feeling what she was feeling.
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In a moment he got an idea. He grabbed the hospital bag to get the massage oil he’d brought in case a lower back massage would help her pain. Hands shaking, he unzipped the bag and began digging for the oil. As he dug, he saw something his wife had shoved in the hospital bag. There it was, his favorite, although a little too small for him by now: a bright-red baseball cap. He began weeping. What was he going to teach his son about life and about being a man? He would teach him all the things his dad had taught him, he thought. What an incredible responsibility! They would go fishing together, he decided, and he would teach him how to bait the hook and cast the line. He would teach him about having only a few things but making them good things. Well, he couldn’t think any more about that right now. He needed to get the oil. Little Jason was about to be born!
III. Asheville, North Carolina, 2017 The two men sat together in the church pew, dressed in suits, one older and one younger. Bill and Jason. The younger man had just started to see some gray in his beard, while the older man’s white hair was tousled on his head. As the funeral service went on, both tried to mentally process the events of the past few days. How was it possible that the casket in front of them
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could contain the remains of a woman they both loved so much—Bill’s wife and Jason’s mother? They drove from the church to the gravesite and then to the small house where Bill and his wife had lived ever since their nest had emptied. Plates of meat and crackers, and dishes full of casseroles, had been set up for them and all the guests who would be coming over to the house to celebrate the life of the woman who had died. Together, the two men welcomed one darkly dressed friend after another into the home. Guests mingled for hours, making small talk the way you do after funerals, shuffling around the bright, open space the older man and his wife had curated. Jason held the hand of his wife, at the same time watching from across the room as his oldest daughter read his youngest a book. Many children would have been looking for a pile of toys to play with, but they didn’t need that. They were happy just giggling and reading with each other. Even though the occasion was somber, he couldn’t help but think about how simple the whole thing was. Good food, good company, and an unhurried Sunday afternoon shared in this home his parents had made their own over the last two decades. “Mom would have loved this,” he said, turning to his dad. The old man nodded.
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People kept lingering and eating and laughing for hours. By the time the sun had gone down over the Smoky Mountains, most everyone had left and it was only a few close friends lingering in the kitchen. At that point, Jason asked his dad, “What do you think Mom would say if she were here right now?” It was silent for a long time before Bill answered. He spoke softly and with tears in his eyes. “I think she would have said, ‘What a life! What a life we have lived without having much of anything!’ I think she would have said, ‘Don’t waste a single moment.’ ” At that point, Bill stood up from the table. His son thought he must have been too flooded with emotion to keep talking, so he didn’t follow him. But not even two minutes later, the father returned with something in his hand. “Son, I want you to have this,” Bill said. “My father gave it to me, and I don’t even know why I’ve kept it all these years. I should have given it to you decades ago.” At that point, he slid it across the table to Jason. There it was: the same old beat-up, bright-red baseball cap. ... Brian Gardner is the founder of No Sidebar, a collaborative blog about minimalism, simple living, and finding happiness. He is a believer in
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authenticity and living with purpose. Brian passes the time by listening to music, writing poetry, and web design.
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Colophon Becoming Minimalist — becomingminimalist.com Becoming Minimalist is designed to inspire others to journey towards minimalism in life... discovering the joy of intentionally living with less... and realizing what that means for your unique lifestyle. The Art of Simple — theartofsimple.net The Art of Simple is a community blog about the art & science of living simpler. We are passionate about both the art and the science behind living a little simpler—and maybe living a bit unconventionally, too. Simple as That — simpleasthatblog.com Simple as That is a lifestyle blog with an emphasis on finding joy and beauty in embracing simplicity. You'll find easy craft ideas, photography tips, stories from family travels and useful printables to help you enjoy life. No Sidebar — nosidebar.com No Sidebar is a collaborative blog about minimalism, simple living, and happiness. We want to help you turn down the noise that disrupts the quiet of your heart and mind and soul.
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