monthly
RAOA
APR 2014 Issue 9
Easter Egg Hunt: Find the 30 Hidden Eggs in the Mag!
FEATURE
Revealed: who is M? ON THE COVER: Not actually M
Secret d Spille
Random Acronym Official Abbreviation Montly - TOC
All prices as of March 23, 2014
Unicorn Meat
Okay, for real: you can't eat this. It's a dismembered stuffed unicorn in a can.
The bottom of the tin is easily removable to gain access to the mini dead unicorn inside.
Normal price £52.00 on Sale for £47.00 http://tinyurl.com/qh9khob
Unicorns Are Jerks
a colouring book exposing the cold, hard, sparkly truth 18 examples of unicorns being jerks Jerks on Sale for £4.44 http://tinyurl.com/o62rm92
Inflatable Unicorn Hat for Cats
White Inflatable Hat on Sale for £3.74 http://tinyurl.com/nceo946
All prices as of March 23, 2014
Portable Recreation Outdoor Toilet
5 Gallon Leak proof Comes fully assembled Normal price: $120.00 on Sale for $92.05 http://tinyurl.com/qabevp7
Inflatable Turkey
For when you just don’t feel like cooking Great for any holiday No calories on Sale for $12.99 http://tinyurl.com/ponplrb
Drug Test - Marijuana
Urine dipcard, three pack Highly sensitive Easy to use on Sale for $9.99 http://tinyurl.com/q33ww4o
Amazon.com Deals Emergency Underpants Dispenser Fits most adults Perfect for loved ones that are full of shit Totally affordable!
$7.61
http://tinyurl.com/jvhwrq4
Fresh Whole Rabbit
$59.80 http://tinyurl.com/mt5yc4
Russian Criminal Tattoo Encyclopedia Tattoos of titties, swastikas, and Capone So hot you’ll adjust your themos-tat Tat’s all, folks!
$21.60
http://tinyurl.com/mshcbke
RAoA’s Monthly Recipe - Cold Cereal YUM YUM YUM
Prep Time: 1 Minute(s) Items needed: A nice bowl, cold milk (Whole milk, not that watered down bullshit you call 2%), and choice of cereal. Also, bananananans or other fruit if you wanna get fancy in here. And a fucking spoon. Step-by-step: 1. Put bowl on (mostly) level surface. 2. Take cereal of choice and pour desired amount into bowl. 3. Pour desired amount of milk on top of cereal. 4. (Optional) Add some fruit up in this bitch. 5. Eat before it gets soggy and nasty.
HAVE FUN IN THE WORLD OF COIN COLLECTING THIS IS A CANADIAN NICKEL. IT IS WORTH FIVE CENTS. IT HAS A BEAVER ON IT.
THIS IS A CANADIAN DIME. IT IS WORTH TEN CENTS. IT HAS A SHIP ON IT.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN QUARTER. IT IS WORTH TWENTY-FIVE CENTS. IT HAS A MAN WITH A MULLET ON IT.
FEATURED THANKS -Kalanz thanked ossej for the slow ride. -Dizzyvonblue thanked DrUsual for the dope shirt. -A bunch of people thanked another bunch of people for their kindles. -Storydone thanked neongreenpurple for improving their game. -Morthy thanked some people for making him fatter. -Naive_eve thanked 186934 for the HIV. -Akeleie thanked kalanz for a bloody mess. -Volsain threatened to find a stranger and thank them. -186934 thanked Anitaxjffdskjarizard for the Anitaaxjffgiftcarizard.
-Alligator_Pie thanked tragopanic and FredWampy for some stuff and things. -Bubblegumtrees thanked UMKcentersnare for being a crazy mofo. -KatelynnPwnz thanked HighestViolet for feeding her addiction. -Rightfootedglove thanked Gutterbaby for the crappy present. -Cheeseburger_humper thanked kickballa for helping with his wrist pain, from “typing�. -ColinAllCarz thanked caraeeezy for the protection. -Some people thanked some other people for some gold. There were lots of hyphens involved.
Gossip Girl Spotted: M doing the dishes – for the second time today! Spotted: M reading a book – Fifty Shades of Grey! Spotted: M doing some food shopping – He really likes that asparagus! Spotted: M watching Frozen – for the third time this week!
RAoA Gets Creative!
Roses are red violets are blue, people don’t think it be like it is, but it do! - $hakespeare NERFERN NERFERN NERFERN RHERMAHS WERTH MAHFERN BERT NERFERN NERFERN NERFERN I had a natty ice RHERMAHS WERTH ‘ERIN’ CERLD It was terrible. ERT BER THERT A CERP ERF TER I want to be nice ERS NERT ERS GERD WERTH ERN But I can’t lie. ERIN ERS A MAHFERN? When I drank it - Jorge I wanted to die. - Tinmf That tree. It’s fucking nice. - Joyce Kilmer That poem. It’s fucking nice. - (Not) Joyce Kilmer There once was an Omni from Australia, Who kept flashing some busty paraphernalia! ( . Y . ) With more bounce for the ounce, EVERYONE would be pounced, Because with boobs there can never be Yo! Yo! Yo! failure! My name is Sam - /u/ Miss-Omnibus I like to eat ham
Mary had a little lamb! I wasn’t very good. Plus my name isnt Sam. - /u/ lizzieisrad
April
JRQuigley
ArtsyKitty
Nikkaiy
Photography
okayiswonderful
scottallaway1
adeadhead
FACT or FACT? Aerys1 I once did a flip on some bars and landed on a stick that stabbed through my foot. nerdybirdie My driving instructor's name was Mr. Canjar.
giggidywarlock I once mooned everybody at the Johnson Space Center RedDelibird I put over 900 hours into Pokemon Platinum. sugarfish7 My mom briefly dated Brad Pitt. UndergroundPhoenix I spent a lot of my childhood hiking and camping in the Rocky Mountains, and once ran into a Grizzly and her cubs. plotbe01 I used to work as a costumed character, namely Dora the Explorer hheartstrongg I took a Greyhound from Toronto to Vancouver, and back. SirPringles Instead of wolf-whistling, I yell in a frequency higher than that of a normal wolf-whistle because I can't whistle.
Xbox Game Night - On the Wednesdays April 16: S.C.A.R.E.D April 2: Virtual Lego April 30: Run Over Some Hookers 4 April 9: Call Your Mother: Modern Welfare 3 April 23: Nimbusfruit Land
Ad Libs Are we doing this right?
Come [shop] at WALMART, where you`ll receive [minimal] discounts on all of your favorite brand name [laundry soaps]. Our [living] and [breathing] associates are there to [ignore] you [24] hours a day. Here you will find [slightly lower] prices on the [groceries] you need. [Vodka] for the moms, [sleeping pills] for the kids and all the latest electronics for the [dog]. So come on down to your [largely] [unattractive] WALMART where the [pockets of the owners] come first. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Come *shop* at WALMART, where you’ll receive *stupid* discounts on all of your favorite brand name *hand-me-downs*. Our *greeters* and *teenage* associates are there to berate you *24* hours a day. Here you will find *low* prices on the *all of the made-in-Taiwan items* you need. *Jeggings* for the moms, *gum* for the kids and all the latest electronics for the *cranky husband.* So come on down to your *local**ghetto* WALMART where the *fat people on motorized scooters* come first. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I enjoy long, [romantic] walks on the beach, getting [caught] in the rain and serendipitous encounters with [strangers]. I really like piña coladas mixed with [rum], and romantic, candle-lit [dinners]. I am well-read from Dr. Seuss to [Hemingway]. I travel frequently, especially to [foreign countries], when I am not busy with work. (I am a [rocket scientist].) I am looking for [brains] and beauty in the form of a [heavenly] goddess. She should have the physique of [Venus] and the [mind] of [Einstein]. I would prefer if she knew how to cook, clean, and wash my [socks]. I know I’m not very attractive in my picture, but it was taken [ten] days ago, and I have since become more [handsome]. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Dear [Parents], I am having a [terrific] time at camp. The counselor is [nice] and the food is [delicious]. I met [Jane] and we became [best] friends. Unfortunately, it is [raining] and I [hurt] my [knee] so we couldn`t go [hiking] like everybody else. I need more [bug spray] and a [pencil] sharpener, so please [send] more when you [write] back. Your [daughter], [Anne]
nine interviews completely unrelated to everything paula | butturedthighs | the subtle racist
yeezus | thisisnotkanyewest | the egomaniac known for his sudden outburts and propensity to burst into tinychat unannounced, climb through people‛s monitors, and steal their new gifts, this guy has quite the reputation. kanye, we‛re gonna let you finish, but hello-everything has one of the best TC presences of all time. taylor | swiftlyinb4 | the heartbreaker taylor‛s idea of a fun contest is to ask people to break her heart so she has more songwriting material. in return, they get an item off their <$10 list, and she gets a Grammy. Keep an eye out for her new single, “I Knew You Were M.” hitting iTunes tonight. benihana | bendydickcumsterdap | the sociopath when we attempted to interview benadryl cucumberpants, he corrected us on the spelling of his name so many times that we eventually gave up. there‛s 243 types of tobacco ash out there, but only one asshole like you, benedouche arnold.
kim | richpplcrytoo | the drama queen kim is a special sort of person. it took her three tries to correctly post an intro, and we think she has a thing for fellow egomaniac yeezus. we can‛t tell for sure, though...it‛s not like she bought him the entirety of his NSFW wishlist. good one, kim.
oprah | everybodygetsagift | the benefactor we were all afraid someone would join the sub and rival 186394‛s generosity...and someone finally did. Jason left soon after Oprah gifted everyone their highest priority item. “YOU get a laptop! And YOU get a dildo! And YOU get a Keurig!” Bye. :(
snooki | karmawhorexxx | the ..........? when asked to comment on her time here at RAOA, snooki simply replied with, “what‛s a ray of eh?” We‛re not sure why she left /r/gonewild in the first place, either.
kristen | thisISmyhappyface | the emotional one We tried to watch her thanks video the other day. It‛s hard to take her seriously when her “Oh my God thank you” and her “I haven‛t pooped in days” faces are exactly the same. :|
lena | moretittaysthanHBO | the boobs Lena was recently banned from TC for attempting to reenact a nude scene from her hit TV show, girls. Now she spends her time complaining about RAOA‛s apparent patriarchy.
RAoA Monthly Recommendations Hand picked, just for you.
Not quite as tech-savy as you’d like to be? Read up on Windows 98 to impress all your friends! Look it up on Amazon to purchase it!
Amazon also suggests some other great books! Learn how to use the right mouse button & even the recycle bin. Check out the whole line of Windows 98 & XP books and show your friends at the nursing home just how tech savy you can be.
Need some movies to watch? We found a list of 27 that are sure to be amazing and keep you watching!
27. Empire (1964) 13. How To Make An American Quilt (1995) 26. Cold Mountain (2003) 12. Raise The Titanic (1980) 25. La Belle Noiseuse (1991) 11. Gerry (2002) 24. The Good Shepherd (2006) 10. Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End (2007) 23. Out Of Africa (1985) 9. Elizabethtown (2004) 22. You’ve Got Mail (1998) 8. Meet Joe Black (1998) 21. Death In Venice (1971) 7. Pret A Porter (1994) 20. Far And Away (1991) 6. The Black Dahlia (2006) 19. The Matrix Revolutions (2003) 5. Wavelength (1967) 18. Satantango (1994) 4. The Da Vinci Code (2006) 17. Seabiscuit (2003) 3. Swept Away (2002) 16. Gettysburg (1993) 2. The Cure For Insomnia (1987) 15. The Great Gatsby (1974) 1. The Postman (1997) 14. Blue (1993) Source: http://www.totalfilm.com/features/27-most-boring-movies/the-postman-1997
Get Fit at Home in 1-Minute a Day! 1. Obtain Shake Weight. 2. Ignore Shake Weight. 3. Jack off yourself or your boyfriend for 1-minute. 4. Get Results!
Image from : http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1239591/Al ex-Gerrard-new-face-Shake-Weight-fitness-product-ridiculed-TV-host-Ellen.html
COLOURIN G PAGES
COLOUR IN THE RABBIT IN THE SNOWSTORM
Dear Snoos, Why do raspberry jello cups only come in sugar free at my grocery store? Sincerely, Where's the Sugar!? Dear Where's the Sugar!? Did you know that artificial raspberry flavoring is made from castoreum? " Cool!" you're surely thinking, "But where does that stuff come from?!" Well I'll tell you! Castoreum comes from the castor sacs in a beaver. Those are scent glands that help beavers mark their territory. Don't believe all of this? Look it up! Having said this, it only comes in the sugar free variety because diluting the delicious castoreum flavor would be dam insane. Ever punny, Mr. Snoo
Dear Snoos, Next year is 2015. Will the Back to the Future prophecy come true and I'll finally get myself a hoverboard? Only answer back if yes. Thanks, Becca Becca, I'm so sorry to break the bad news to you. The hoverboard is not possible with current technology. The only way something like this would work without requiring a huge amount of energy (and batteries to weigh down an already heavy load) would be to use rare earth metal magnets (perhaps neodymium?) to cause lift - or rather repel the load away from the ground. In order for that to work, streets (and any other surface you'd want to hover over) would have to be made of magnets as well. This would be ridiculously expensive. While I'm unsure as to the method of force used in the Zemeckisian hoverboard, the explanation I've given shows why they wouldn't work over water. Instead of floating with no forward momentum, though, you'd simply dive right into the water. Anyway, let's continue to evaluate the magnet supposition: balance would be an issue. If you tip too far one way or the other - say, when banking around a curve - the repelling force of the magnets would no longer be the required 180ยบ for maximum repulsion. Anything less than that would greatly increase the likelihood of flipping the board completely, as attraction forces start to become an issue. And since we're talking incredibly strong neodymium magnets, the probability that you'd be able to pry the board from the magnetized ground in any amount of time, much less in time to continue getting away from Griff and his cronies and force them onto the steps of the Courthouse, is next to nothing. Remember, never interact with your former self when time traveling. Mrs. Snoo
“I like Uranus, myself.” “Never regret a pickle”
SirPringles
nerdybirdie “no one should suffer horrible sushi” “I hope you kicked him in the dick”
Aerys1
wee-pixie “Me too!” “>:o”
CampBenCh
Derpahontas “Hey! I think I could pull off a corset” “I fart in public”
NeonGreenTiger
giggidywarlock “that’s a sweet remix” “something grabs a hold of me tightly,
Q-Kat
flow like a harpoon daily and nightly” mypasswordishotdog
“Because random.” nahcabmA
“The 'u' in colour” okayiswonderful
“QUICK! “ tragopanic
“AHAHAHAHAHAHA oh you” miss_omnibus
“I love your cheese updates.” eatingdust
“Awesome!” iamababycow
“Alright, enough boring shit.” chronos42
“You’d suffer from many hairballs”
“No bunnies = not a real zoo.”
Juxtzy
Morthy
“lol”
“We don’t bite…unless you’re into that
elishadarko
sort of thing.” plotbe01
“Ooooo I failed when reading the wiki hahaha”
“I also hate to wear pants”
TheFaith1029
bubblybreath
“Thanks!”
“I made my dragon fancy.”
HeadlessBob17
AllisonChadwick
“112 M&Ms.”
“ಠ_ಠ”
PCBreakdown
medellle
“Omg whaaaat?!”
“She wishes to punch them all.”
andersce
“Dear goodness, are those Tetris socks?” unicorndanceparty
“well, I can't say they won’t just be jeans tied around my feet, but I'll see what I can do” TheStonePilot
book_worm526
“Would you kill for Satan?” mewfasa
”Move to Seattle and open a Cat Café with me.” MsMina
/r/randomactsofamazon because who doesn’t want to subscribe to a sub
that has to justify its legitimacy as “the real one?”
{this ad brought to you by every brush in molly’s collection}
Reader’s Confess: READ ALL ABOUT IT!
A-18 FREDWAMPY’S PEE PRANK (Cont. from A-1) ...and the other one got lifted up.
REALLY BAD PRANKS Brought to you by the letter C.
SS
R
NFE O C S ’ EADER
EE PRANK ’s LONG P Y P M A W D E R F d roommate Davi My old dorm silly idea in and I had a We filled up spring 2002. s liter bottle two empty 2The idea was with water. e bathroom tter who it to wait in th me in. No ma co to e on me for so on up for as chat the pers d to s wa I was, is time, Davi le. During th ib ss po as as s long bottle ter from the would pour wa e toilet. th le into ib ss po as slowly ound, tes of waiting ar After a few minu I’d e on . It was some someone walked in e it sp ce before, de talked to only on hs. nt mo for several seeing him around and ed ur lked, David po We talked and ta e th s, ound 3 minute poured. After ar e opped. Out of th water pouring st 2pt I saw the em y corner of my eye, e th to red slowly on inued on liter being lowe Cont l... pg. A-18. floor of his stal
SIEBERELLA’S PRANK MISTAKE RIGHTFOOTEDFLOVE RE-ARRANGES When I was a kid we would stay at my aunt’s house in the summer. My dad and uncle ran to the liquor store and my mom and aunt thought it’d be hilarious to throw water balloons at the car when they were coming back. We filled up the water balloons and I thought I heard “They’re coming!” so I went running out of the house, only the screen door wasnt open so I plowed through it and fell on my face, screen door attached. When they finally did show up my uncle had the top down and we chucked the water balloons into his car effectively ruining his computer we didn’t know was in the backseat. Prank fail. M PRANKS RAOA BY NOT REVEALING IDENTITY Wait, you thought that feature was for real? How sad for you! BOY’S DORM ERS PLAGUE pranks STINKY SHOW ay regular l p d l u o w them n our dorm ime to pay t s a w The boys i t i f we decided tained bee on us, so ss. We ob e n aps d c n i r k e w r o i he the sh d e w e r back for t c s n cube ubes. We u a bouillon d e c a l p bouillon c , m The ’s bathroo e caps on. h t d e w in the boy e r c s p and re-s eir shower in each ca out why th e r u g i f t n’ week. boys could r the next o f d d o d e smell
S A SPLASH BUNNYSOUP MAKE s ago, a few ar Once, many ye decided that friends of mine nd’s apartment our other frie better if it would look way swimming pool. was an indoor to confirm [Note: I refuse xication or or deny if into rlier pranks revenge for ea of this were the source was on vacaHe motivation]. me, so it was tion at the ti portunity to the perfect op strike. art, spent a We went to Walm broke into small fortune, apartment, and said friend’s ne working it when we were do god damn Gidget looked like a Giant blownmovie in there. we filled of up pool (which d a slide, course) that ha ow-up palm beach balls, bl , , beach chairs trees, floaties ll he had one the works. We complete y, rt of a pool pa its and beer. with bathing su
of the new inWhen the owner came home, he door water park ther pleased was actually ra for a solid and left it up ll that ends month. Alls we well.
NK turning ASTOR PRA s wife, by i h POPPIN’ P d n a r o t astor my old pas While my p . r e p p o p I pranked y t food into a par one of the h t i w g n their car i l rs and church dea outh membe y r e h t o was in the e ood we had, th Pastor a g e v i g o t ministries y and took opportunit d the car e k c o l n I took the u e ith tons urprise. W led them w l i f d n birthday s a s de sure e air vent ers and ma v o c e h off all th t d e car he i, replace started th e h n e of confett h W s on high. great! the A/C wa . It was d e r e v o c y tel got comple
Fun & Games
Already completed for your convenience.
RAoAâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Monthly Craft
This month we have brought back a classic craft, sure to be hours of good fun. Make sure you send us your attempt.
RAoA User Reviews Reviewing the very best products on Amazon.
Cottonelle Ultra Comfort Care Toilet Paper, Big Roll
List Price: Price: You Save:
$10.00 $9.99 $0.01
Qualities For True Bathroom Comfort Nothing beats the thickness of Ultra Comfort Care toilet paper** Soft & gentle so you can be kind to your behind Everyday comfort defined Two-ply Pairs well with Cottonelle Flushable Cleansing Cloths for our ultimate in clean *vs. dry alone **compared to double roll equivalent bath tissue
***** “It gets the job done.” - /u/kittehmew
“It’s better than not having it.” - /u/ allergictoapples