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Najmul Hasan Rizvi
Save your skin An anthology of Khaleej Times columns
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Dedicated to Pakistan's wonderland of politics
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Acknowledgements I am indebted to scores of people who inspired, encouraged and supported me to write these columns which appeared in daily Khaleej Times, Dubai from 2007 to 2014. Mr. Right’s character was created to interpret in a lighthearted vein my abstract thoughts about political happenings in Pakistan. I am thankful to Rashid Butt, veteran journalist and publisher of this anthology, for its exquisite production. I have no words to express my gratitude to Patrick Michael, the former Executive Editor of the newspaper, for writing the preface. My thanks are due to many other colleagues and friends whose words of encouragement were always a source of strength for me. They included Neville Parker, Zahid Mukhtar, Ali Ishrati, Jamil Akhtar, Ishtiaq Ali Mehkri, Khan Muhammad and Syed Yousuf Imam of KT and Iqbal Maladwala and Farrukh Murad, partners of my political satire show on ARY One World News TV Channel in Dubai. I am thankful to my daughters Nudrat Nauman and Sitwat Rizvi and son Salim Rizvi also for their productive feedback from time to time. 
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Preface I have known Najmul Hasan Rizvi both as a colleague and as a friend for many years. A keen observer of human nature, he is a journalist’s journalist with ink in his blood. His subtle but sharp sense of humour is a lethal combination of intellect and satire. This was evident in more than 100 columns he wrote for Khaleej Times, a Dubai based English daily. For writers like Najm Rizvi, words are their best bet for posterity. It, therefore, comes as no surprise that 70 of his best columns have been picked for this book which will be another praiseworthy addition to this award-winning author’s collection of short stories and other works of fiction. A bilingual writer who is equally at home with English as he is with Urdu, Najm Rizvi’s ‘Mr. Right’ columns in the newspaper gave readers an insight into the world of people, places, politics and power. I had the pleasure and privilege of editing several of his columns. This collection will evoke a few laughs. Is there a connection between food and destruction in Pakistan? Mr. Right, the all-knowing character will enlighten you in “Of Bombs and Biryani”, one of the selected columns that you will find somewhere between the covers of this book. Intellect, charm and humour is a lethal combination and 5
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Najm Rizvi has it all. His sardonic take on life will resonate with readers as will his keen insight and subtle digs at people in high places. I am confident of the book’s success and hope that it spurs aspiring writers to create legacies of this genre of writing. Perhaps this collection should be translated into Urdu for good literature knows no boundaries and must be encouraged to appeal to as many people as possible. It is not often that one mentions the word privilege when mentioning a colleague but I can say it was a privilege working with Najm Rizvi and reading his columns during our time together. I now look forward to reading them all over again in this book.
Patrick Michael Former Executive Editor, Khaleej Times, Dubai 
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Contents Page
Dedication
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Acknowledgements
Najmul Hasan Rizvi
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Preface
Patrick Michael Former Executive Editor, Khaleej Times, Dubai
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Columns
Of lions and wolves
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The media laundry
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Beware of historians
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Peacocks and children
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Political infants & naives
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Travel guide for Columbus
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Weeding out ‘untouchables’
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Simple recipes of change
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Of angels and demons
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Priorities and promises
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Of bombs and biryani
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Largest city of have-nots
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Turning words into swords
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Overcoming demons
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Machine-made talks
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Festivals, fantasies and food
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Getting rid of guns
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The new manimal farm
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The lying game
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Turning laws into humour
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Living with ghosts
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Saving life with poison
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Need for a ‘Mr. Pious’ contest
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Don’t smile... it’s dangerous
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Corrupting the corrupt
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Gadgets to make friends
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Long march to nowhere
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Passing the poverty buck
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A love letter for Swiss courts
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Watching the watchdogs
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When everyone cries wolf
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Free ride on a love train
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The ‘sheepish’ debate
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Praying for sanity
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When superheroes collide
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Guns’ n’ books
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Mayhem in the zoo
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The proof lies in the pudding
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A do-it-yourself kit for reforms
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Witnesses wanted!
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Need to impose protest tax
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Of cricket passion and parrots
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Season for saying sorry
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None of our business...
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Obeying to disobey
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Commissioning a commission
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Aspiring for a ‘Clean Party’
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Of politicians and pizza
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When prizes become surprises
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Cow and bulls of politics
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Let’s learn Chinese
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Imran and his wicket, wicket ways
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Need to elect butchers
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Living dangerously
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Does yoga cure ailing minds?
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Zardari’s art of oratory keeps one guessing
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Will democracy deliver?
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Who says dishonesty doesn’t pay?
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Reading the unreadable
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Interpreting dreams and nightmares
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Jobs for fraudsters
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Learning to behave decently
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The world upside down
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A Las Vegas in Karachi?
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Locomotives and leaders
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A tribute to ‘old men’ of letters
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Carrying a mirror in the city of the blind
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A contest of ‘good dreams’ on Independence Day
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How to deal with the ‘steal mills’ of corruption
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Wanted, an Eid Moon on rent
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Pakistani writers show how to live to defy death
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Turning into 'Probistan'
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A scarecrow in Benazir Bhutto’s farm
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‘Hopetitis’ is spreading
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Of lions and wolves Suicide ‘factories’ raise children to become mass murderers
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OW we know why the Taleban are against giving antipolio vaccines to children. They don’t want them to stand up to their threat,” Mr. Right said with a smile. “The schoolboy Aitzaz Hassan sprang a surprise for those who thought suicide bombers could frighten every young and old in the country.” “Hats off to volunteers who go from village to village to administer anti-polio shots to children despite heavy odds,” I said. “It is because of their work that many more Aitzaz Hassans will grow in every village and town.” “Hassan lost his life in an exemplary act of valour true to the historical words of Tipu Sultan, ‘A day’s life of a lion is better than a hundred years of a jackal,’” Mr. Right said with a twinkle in his eye. “The boy really died a lion’s death.” “The Pakistani Taleban dread these lions,” he added. “They recently killed a well-known cop in Karachi who lived and died like a lion. He devoted his whole life to fighting lawbreakers.” “The 15-year-old Hangu ninth-grader reminded the Taleban that even schoolboys could turn into lions to tackle 11
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the pack of jackals launched by them to invade towns,” I said. “Indeed, the jackals and wolves are no match for the lions,” Mr. Right agreed. “And we know how to keep the lions growing in the country.” “It is good to know that a hawk like Imran Khan and the father of the Afghan Taleban, Maulana Samiul Haq, have something useful to say about the anti-polio vaccine drive,” I told him. “I know,” Mr. Right said, “In a dramatic media appearance, Imran Khan administered an anti-polio dose to the maulana’s son and criticised the attack on polio workers. “Without naming the Taleban, he assailed those ‘who are attacking polio workers and are doing injustice to our province, our country and the whole humanity’.” “This was necessary to restore confidence among the antipolio campaign volunteers,” I said. “Imran Khan’s gesture will not bring back those 31 anti-polio workers who have been killed since July 31 last year, but it might help stop further attacks to disrupt the campaign.” “Currently, polio is endemic in Pakistan and almost 1.5 million children are at risk,” Mr. Right said. “If proper measures are not taken, even the Taleban will not find healthy recruits for their factory producing suicide bombers.” “Heartless fellows, they are raising their children either to become cripples or mass murderers,” I said. “Every sane person must therefore try to help them come to their senses,” Mr. Right said. “There are people who say that they can be persuaded to return to normal life through talks,” I pointed out. “Nobody except a few day-dreamers say the talks will change anything,” Mr. Right stressed. “The fight between the lions and the jackals will go on until the jackals are defeated completely.” “But the hardliners believe that continued fighting will lead to nothing but morgues packed with dead bodies,” I said. 12
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“This will boost the business of hearses, coffins and ambulances,” Mr. Right said. “At least one segment of the economy promises growth.” “But I don’t like our country to become a large cemetery,” I groaned. “The warring parties must give up fighting and throw their weapons in the sea. I think Imran Khan is right, the mountains will become peaceful once drone attacks are stopped.” “The mountains might become peaceful but what do you say about the cities?” Mr. Right asked. “Cities have banks full of money, businessmen ready to be kidnapped for ransom, communities having divergent faith and ideologies, people speaking different languages. They offer myriad reasons for unpleasant happenings.” “It means even successful talks in the mountains can not guarantee peace in the cities,” I said. “Then what should we do?” “Jackals are everywhere, both visible and hidden,” Mr. Right said. “Every one of us should be ready to turn into a lion.”
Khaleej Times January 16, 2014 13
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The media laundry Taleban would like the fourth estate to portray them as angels
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HE PAKISTANI Taleban or the Tehreek-e-Taleban Pakistan (TTP) are mad at the media people for presenting them in a bad light. They want the media to act wisely and stop washing their dirty linen in public. “I wholeheartedly support their call; the media can do better by projecting a clean image of them. After all, they are trying to foster a clean society that would be free of all impurities,” Mr. Right, said pointing to a newspaper picture showing debris of a building. “I guess it’s a collapsed school building or a demolished tomb,” I said. “They are against everything they don’t like, dead or alive. The problem is that manifestations of life in this world do not attract them; they seek ways to enjoy the life hereafter. That’s why their name is now associated with death and destruction.” “But they say it is not right to call them the harbinger of death,” Mr. Right said. “It is the media that gave them a bad name.” “But what do you say about the suicide bombings, blasts in streets and explosions in schools and places of worship?” I 14
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asked. “How can they deny their involvement in these things?” “They don’t deny this and are always ready to accept responsibility when a school is razed to the ground but they want the media to see things in the right perspective,” Mr. Right said. “Every story always has two sides. But the media presents only one side, they complain.” “What do you mean?” I looked at him. “Who likes the destruction of any educational building? How can the media hail their bid to build a school-less society?” “Well, why can’t they call it a campaign for a class-less society?” Mr. Right remarked. “You mean a society in which there will be no difference between an illiterate and a literate person. And they will be considered equal.” I said. “This simply means discarding education and promoting illiteracy and ignorance. How can the media approve of this?” “They say the media always ignored their point of view,” Mr. Right said, quoting a statement by the TTP spokesman. “They have every right to be angry with the media.” “They have expressed their anger both in words and deeds,” I reminded Mr. Right. “Some people have already lost their lives but the gun-toting brigade thinks a lot of free ammunition is still available to them to do things according to their liking.” “I personally feel the media people can earn some goodwill for them,” Mr. Right said. “They may launch an emergency drive to ‘dry-clean’ the soiled image of all killers, kidnappers and extortionists by activating the special media laundry.” “This laundry works from time to time to wash the sins of dictators, dishonest bureaucrats and self-serving leaders,” I said. “You now want it to turn the insurgents, rebels, mass murderers and killers of security personnel into angels. Isn’t it?” Mr. Right nodded. 15
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“But why it is necessary to activate the media laundry?” I asked. “This is necessary if you want to talk to them,” Mr. Right said. “Or you want to live to talk to them,” I looked into his eyes. “That’s the crunch,” Mr. Right stressed. “One can not ignore the fact that they are always trying to find locations for new graves by demolishing old tombs.”
Khaleej Times February 11, 2014 16
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Beware of historians History should not be a work of fiction and legitimise an ideology
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ON’T trust your history because it is what the rulers always wanted you to believe. “Better read the account of your past with a pinch of salt,” Mr. Right smiled. “I am thinking of sending all my history books to a junk seller.” “Not a bad idea, but can you tell me the reason for this sudden change of heart? I thought you were a great admirer of historians,” I quizzed him. “It was before I went to listen to top historians recently,” Mr. Right said. “They generally confuse us, but I found the session on ‘Writing history’ at the Fifth Karachi Literary Festival of Oxford University Press quite revealing.” “Don’t tell me you missed the puppet show,” I said. “The speakers at the history session advised people to stay away from history written by ghost writers at the behest of kings and bigwigs of society and I thought they were talking about the puppet shows,” Mr. Right said. “Mubarak Ali castigated puppet historians who played to the tune of those in power.” 17
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“A ‘people’s historian’ indeed, he hates those who love to distort history and legitimise an ideology,” I agreed. “Moderated by Syed Jaffar Ahmed, the session produced honest reviews of current practices in history writing in both India and Pakistan.” Indian scholar Mushirul Hasan advised historians on both sides of the border to maintain the sanctity of the past and explore common ground to promote objectivity. He thought diversity of thought in certain matters was better than an unlikely unanimity in all matters.” “I am glad that exclusive sessions were devoted to historians to separate them from fiction writers and novelists, although some history books too could be read like fiction,” I said. “Ali, Hamida Khuro and other participants warned against making history a work of fiction,” Mr. Right stressed. “The focus on history was timely, and the presence of so many renowned historians and scholars including Rajmohan Gandhi generated great public interest in the process of self discovery,” I said. “As Pakistanis we too are currently trying to grapple with history,” Mr. Right observed. “Most people are confused and are unable to understand why this country was created.” “Most of them believe it was created for the Muslims, but there are the others who think the country was formed to create Muslims,” I said. “Even the objectives of each province are different.” “Punjab gives priority to agriculture, Sindh stresses on culture,” Mr. Right remarked. “And Balochistan wants to see its own big dreams come true.” “The people there want more rights and face more fights,” I said. “But Khyber Pakhtunkhwa insists on creating pure Muslims only,” Mr. Right said. “They are now changing books which they think are not good enough for this 18
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purpose.” “I love Sindh that draws inspiration from its history,” Mr. Right said. “The Pakistan People’s Party’s Sindh Festival began at Mohenjodaro, the ruins of a great civilisation.” “This was to remind the people how civilised Sindh was more than 5,000 years ago,” I said. “We need to resurrect the same old spirit of brotherhood and community peace that was the hallmark of this region. We must start respecting each other. Let’s launch a ‘do-ityourself’ plan to change everything,” Mr. Right said. “The problem is that we don’t follow the guidelines given by the founder of the nation,” I lamented. “Unfortunately, history quotes him saying different things at different times; the people are confused,” Mr. Right said. “Somebody asked historians what they would do when a leader’s utterances are contradictory. ‘Forget him,’ one of them suggested.” “Didn’t somebody in the audience mind it?” I asked. “Nobody,” Mr. Right said. “Everybody has already forgotten him.”
Khaleej Times February 20, 2014 19
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Peacocks and children VIP visits to Thar are as rare as Armstrong’s landing on the moon
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OURNING is part of people’s lives in the Thar Desert of Sindh. “Some months ago they were grieving for the mass deaths of peacocks in an epidemic, now they are crying for their children who are dying of hunger,” Mr. Right said changing the TV channel. “Children too are as beautiful as peacocks and they need our love and care,” he continued. “Yes, it is the love for them which took truckloads of well-wishers from all parts of the country to such a far-off place,” I replied. “They have taken lots of food stuff with them to feed hungry mothers and their children. And the chief minister says there will be no more deaths now.” “He thinks the mothers will also stop wailing and crying because the government is offering Rs. 200,000 to the family of every deceased child,” Mr. Right said. “But I am not happy with his generosity.” “Why? I think this will help the poor financially,” I said. “This is going to help only the hospital staff who have to deal with a large number of severely sick children every day.” “What do you mean?” 20
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“I am afraid many parents will take their dying children back home,” Mr. Right grimly said. “That would be tragic, but I know one thing for sure. The famine crisis has brought Thar into media limelight and it would certainly change the fate of the area,” I said. “Don’t talk of media,” Mr. Right interrupted. “Many big guns in the ruling party are unhappy with the media for making a mountain out of a molehill. They say the large number of child deaths in the area is normal.” “Very true,” I said. “It’s as normal as 10 killings daily are normal for Karachi. Why should anybody raise their voice against these ‘normal’ things?” “But I believe ‘normal’ things like these sometimes lead to ‘abnormal’ things such as a VIP’s visit to a desolate area like Thar, that can be regarded to be as historic as Neil Armstrong’s landing on the moon,” Mr. Right said. “Yes, Thar is our ‘moonland’ and all big people, including top leaders, security bosses, business tycoons and social workers are now vying with each other to explore every nook and corner of it for their own benefit,” I added. “There will be a lot of fun with scores of big and small vehicles making a beeline for the area and VIP helicopters landing one by one in the middle of the desert, attracting throngs of surprised onlookers,” Mr. Right said. “I don’t know if all of them would return after only shaking the hands of young patients at the town hospital and expressing their good wishes for the well-being of the Thar people or if they would do something substantial to improve the people’s health, education and living conditions,” I said doubtfully. “I think they would try to find ways to deal with the effects of drought in the area this time,” Mr. Right said. “Otherwise, people would be justified to think that we are facing a famine of ideas too.” “I am sure that media attention has brought a positive 21
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change in the attitude of the local administration,” I said. “Everybody from the prime minister to local politicians is so keen to do everything to correct all the wrongs done in the area.” “As usual, committees were set up and orders were passed to bring the culprits to book and give them exemplary punishment,” Mr. Right observed. “This will greatly increase secretarial work in government offices, pushing up the demand for a huge quantity of imported paper for writing inquiry reports.” “Will it help in changing the fate of the poor people in Thar?” I asked. “Why not? They will be able to see a number of new faces in government offices,” Mr. Right said. “But they should be told not to change faces, instead to change their thinking,” I insisted. “I agree,” Mr. Right nodded. “They may send any number of new administrators to the area but they cannot bring back peacocks and children who perished due to the negligence of some people.”
Khaleej Times March 13, 2014 22
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Political infants & naives Khan loves to throw tantrums like a kid to make his point
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LTHOUGH the government had put a ban on bringing infants to a political rally organised by Imran Khan’s party in Islamabad, many onlookers found the speeches made there and the reaction by political stalwarts most funny and childish. “It is interesting to see that the Great Khan is doing everything to remain mentally as young as possible despite advancing age,” Mr. Right observed. “He loves to throw tantrums like a small kid to make his point.” “His cause may be justified and noble as he wants to make the election machinery truly fair and honest, but the timing for his street spectacles is totally unsuitable,” I said. “Enough tears have been shed on the alleged election rigging during the past one year and political sages must now try to strengthen the gains achieved through those elections.” “This is possible only when leaders have attained some degree of maturity which should be reflected in their words and deeds,” Mr. Right said. “The problem is that we have too many ‘political infants’ who don’t try to grow up.” “That is really sad,” I lamented. “Mr. Khan has a full 23
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province to prove his love for honesty and fair dealings and he can set an example of good governance for others. Instead of discovering new demons in society everyday, he should use his magic wand to make KP a paradise inhabited by angels only.” “But instead of doing this,” Mr. Right said. “He is busy preparing a list of bad guys, black sheep and ugly ducklings in politics, bureaucracy, judiciary and media, who need to be reformed.” “Don’t you think it is suicidal for a person to fight on so many fronts at a time?” I asked him. “I don’t know,” he replied. “Had I been in his place I would have joined a school to learn how to keep quiet.” I laughed. “Not everybody is skilled enough to say the right thing at the right moment,” I said. “Most of our party leaders, lawmakers, preachers and even media people, who are supposed to weigh their words before saying something, surprise people with their uncalled for comments sometimes.” “Well, many of them specialise in reckless use of words,” Mr. Right pointed out. “The tit-for-tat tirades between the supporters and opponents of Imran Khan prove this point.” “The general public finds antics of the ‘babies and toddlers of politics’ quite funny and entertaining,” I said. “Even some senior actors of political theatre are found suffering from oral disorder,” Mr. Right commented. “They include even ministers who fail to suppress their desire to plunge into a funny war of words with their rivals.” “The one supposed to be looking after the smooth running of railways warned Imran Khan not to try to ‘derail’ democracy and the other one dealing with power lines wanted the PTI chief’s mental transformer overhauled for better performance,” I said. “The cross fire between the Great Khan and the Media house being hounded by the establishment for allegedly 24
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launching a campaign against the men in khaki, also generated enough heat,” Mr. Right said. “I don’t like this episode to turn into a war between ‘patriots’ and the so-called ‘traitors’ in accordance with the wishes of certain quarters.” “Obviously, the people fanning the flames of controversy are those suffering from both oral and mental disorder,” I said. “The impression created by the surfeit of rallies in support of the army, media freedom and corruption-free elections is that nothing else in Pakistan is in danger today except these three things.” “That’s true, the people who are being killed everyday by religious extremists and street criminals are no cause of worry for anybody,” Mr. Right said. “With less people in the country, chances for a corruption-free election are bright.” “But one cannot let the people die without raising voice against it,” I stressed. “How could anybody expect a person not to whip up a storm of protest after he has to pass through a hail of bullets in broad day light?” “As patriots we must be ready to accept everything, good or bad. In the larger interest of the country, the true patriot must die quietly when the time comes,” Mr. Right remarked.
Khaleej Times May 15, 2014 25
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Travel guide for Columbus After the globe-trotter Tahirul Qadri’s plane was diverted to Lahore from Islamabad recently, travel agents in Pakistan are thinking of compiling a guide for travellers who don’t want to miss their destination by hundreds of miles.
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HIS WILL be the best travel guide for confused voyagers since the days of Columbus who lost his way and reached America instead of India,” Mr. Right said. “The travel guide, containing some marvelous travel tips, will be a fitting gift for today’s Columbuses,” he smiled. “A famous travel agent who is a member of the travel guide’s editorial board wants to carry a warning on the title cover: Travel Only If You Want To Lose Your Way,” he said. “But Mr. Qadri didn’t lose his way, he lost his temper,” I said. “He failed to understand why he was not allowed to land in Islamabad where the weather was more pleasant compared to Lahore that was terribly hot and sultry.” 26
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“No, Mr. Qadri was annoyed because he was not permitted to launch his ‘voyage of revolution’ from Islamabad.” “In that case he should have prepared his travel plan with caution,” I said. “The new travel guide will advise the travellers to buy at least a three-destination ticket to allow the air carrier to take them to any of the available destinations of their choice,” Mr. Right said. “They will be asked to mention their choice of the weather at their intended destination.” “I hope the travel guide will also explain the procedure for demanding special security for self,” I said. “The air tickets should indicate whether security arrangements will be made by local police or the army.” “That’s a valid point,” Mr. Right said. “It has also been suggested that air tickets should provide options for a wheel chair, a bullet-proof vehicle or an army tank if the traveller asks for airport assistance on arrival.” “I feel sorry for Mr. Qadri whose ‘revolution’ was hijacked in the air,” I said. “Again it was his own fault,” Mr. Right commented. “Before starting his journey, he should have gauged the mood of air traffic controllers. The people in control at present are known for their penchant for diverting flights to distant airports.” “Let’s not blame air traffic controllers this time, because, according to Press reports, the flight diversion plan was suggested by an ace adviser who is supposed to look after the movement of the railways,” I pointed out. “He is a wonderful person, no doubt,” Mr. Right said. “He has infused new life in the railways and wants his trains compete with airlines for speed and comfort.” “But his actions might harm the reputation of the railways,” I said. “People will avoid riding trains if their journey ends up in the south instead of north because of a 27
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sudden change of direction at the advice of the top boss.” Mr. Right had a hearty laugh. “Don’t be afraid, one can not interfere with the movements of the railways. Shaikh Rashid can go ahead with his ‘train march’ without fearing derailment of his protest journey.” “Do you think the Travel Guide for Columbus will carry any tips for general travellers too? They don’t want to become part of any voyage of Columbus?” I asked. “Why not?” Mr. Right replied. “The guide will carry tips for general travellers to check the list of passengers before buying tickets for a certain flight to make sure that a Superman, a Frankenstein or a political ghost is not aboard.” “The presence of these characters might lead to a sudden change in the flight plan and cause unnecessary trouble to all passengers, thanks to the depleting level of tolerance in rulers, the custodians of democracy.” “The airlines should devise a system to separate those who are out to explore a new world or a new era in politics and those whose only aim is to reach their homes safely,” I said. “I agree, no Columbus should ever be allowed to travel on a general flight. A space shuttle should be hired to fly him to his dream destination — the moon of revolution or martyrdom,” Mr. Right concluded.
Khaleej Times June 29, 2014 28
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Weeding out ‘untouchables’ If politics is a circus, the lion can ensure a roaring success
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HE election commission is currently producing ‘political untouchables’ in Pakistan as part of its campaign to make politics a ‘gentleman’s game’. “There’s no hope for fake degree-holders, tax evaders and tricksters to sneak into elections bypassing the most vigilant gatekeepers this time,” Mr. Right said, handing me a long list. “Good Show” I said, “Hope this will pave the way for a whole new generation of ‘perfect gentleman’ identified by the commission to promote genuine democracy in the country.” “The gatekeepers cleared candidates who had good general knowledge and could recite the national anthem,” Mr. Right observed. “The people with doubtful character and a bad memory were dumped as untouchables.” “But I am unhappy that all ‘turncoats’ were cleared,” I said. Mr. Right agreed. “Yes, they too should be treated as ‘untouchables’ because disloyalty is as bad as dishonesty.” “The election commission must ask every candidate whether he would stick to his party, its manifesto and its logo,” I pointed out. 29
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Mr. Right smiled. “Look here, a friend of mine has launched a website called ‘Voters’ Voice’ — the VV portal to deal with such questions.” He touched the screen of his smart phone. “Ok”, I said, “I want to know why a beast such as a lion has been chosen as a symbol by Nawaz Sharif’s party?” “That’s easy,” Mr. Right touched the screen again. Here is Nawaz Sharif’s reply. He says, “if politics is a circus, the lion can ensure a roaring success.” “Politics is more like a zoo” I said, “There are animals, but many of them are non-performers.” “Let’s see what the VV portal has to say about the PPP’s Arrow,” I looked at Mr. Right. “Sure,” Mr. Right scanned the portal. “Asif Zardari thinks that all Bhuttos, including ZAB and BB, could shoot straight and hit the target. The younger Bhutto would do the same.” “I don’t agree with him,” I raised my hand. “The arrow has lost its target range. ZAB and BB could shoot arrows like intercontinental ballistic missiles to long-range targets. Compared to them, Bilawal’s target range is now confined to Naudero at best.” “Well, talking about the range and targets, one shouldn’t forget MQM,” Mr. Right said. “They want to take kite flying to areas beyond Sindh this time. What do you say?” “What is the VV portal’s forecast?” I asked. “It has posted a statement from Shahbaz Sharif: “Kite flying is banned in Lahore.” Mr. Right grinned. “Has Imran Khan got anything to say about his election symbol, the cricket bat?” “Imran says his bat will do the talking on ‘Tsunami Day’. “And what about the bicycle?” I quizzed Mr. Right. “This is the only pro-people symbol and the most realistic one. It’s a promise made to the people — ‘a bicycle for every person’” “Good Lord!” Mr. Right said. “You mean if PML-Q 30
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wins, democracy will ride on bicycles? I think it is a suggestion for the voters to hire a bicycle on the election day to reach polling stations, even if road transport isn’t available due to shortage of CNG,” Mr. Right said. He showed more party logos on the VV portal — a rose, a falcon, a book and many others. “Do you have any questions about them?” he asked. “No questions” I said, “The PML-F think roses might help make it ‘functional’ after the polls although the path is full of thorns and a closed book is better than an open book for Maulana Fazlur Rahman who will open it when he finds it useful.” “Say something about ex-president Pervez Musharraf’s ‘Shaheen’,” Mr. Right said. “The falcon or ‘Shaheen’ given to him is not meant to fly,” I said. “Musharraf is a brave person, but a bad decisionmaker, always let down by wild choices.” “Don’t you worry” Mr. Right said. “The election commission has promised to take all the right decisions for us. As a result we’ll get plenty of right decision-makers soon.” “But what about the so many ‘untouchables’ created as a by-product of these polls?” I asked. “This happens when right decisions aren’t taken for a long time,” Mr. Right remarked.
Khaleej Times April 10, 2013 31
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Simple recipes of change Politicians promise change while preserving their status quo
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HANGE is the new mantra of success for almost all political stalwarts in the current electioneering campaign in Pakistan. “Imran wants youths to overturn the aging corrupt system to build a ‘new Pakistan’, but others have their own peculiar recipes of change,” Mr. Right told me handing a bunch of newspapers. “As a result of a general clamour for new blood in politics, optimists believe that the forthcoming elections will turn parliament from an old people’s home into a vibrant youth centre as all political parties are trying to induct the bold and the beautiful in their ranks,” I said. “That’s true,” Mr. Right agreed, “most of new parliamentarians will be young, energetic whiz kids and handsome guys sporting a pearly smile.” “Although everybody is now claiming to be a prophet of change, any real change in society is possible only if new talent is harnessed,” I said. “Imran Khan says he has given 85 per cent party tickets to youths and Nawaz Sharif claims his party also has increased 32
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their number to contest the polls,” Mr. Right observed. “Calling Imran’s claims deceptive, Nawaz Sharif accuses him of trying to upset the PML-N’s applecart,” Mr. Right said. “He points out that the foundation of ‘new Pakistan’ was actually laid by him years ago.” “But Imran is sure that no hollow claims by the PML-N are going to save it from his ‘youth tsunami’,” I said. “Despite this, Nawaz is confident that his party will make the new government,” Mr. Right said. “He says anybody who wishes to change the system must vote for his party.” “Actually, most parties believe that a simple recipe of change is to grab power,” I said. Mr. Right grinned. “Yes, they think that all problems, including the shortage of power will be automatically solved with their coming to power.” “MQM also has its own recipe of change as it has a mission to launch middle class candidates who are intelligent, smart and good-looking,” I reminded Mr. Right. “Altaf Hussain even refused to give tickets to smokers and panchewers and asked them to clean their teeth first to produce a charming smile.” “That’s a great idea,” Mr. Right smiled. “The Election Commission should also have asked the candidates to stop smoking and chewing betel nuts to remove bad breath.” “Don’t you worry, with the winds of change sweeping the country, people will become more civilised and cultured very soon,” Mr. Right said. “Well, Imran Khan might consider to induct them into security forces to fight corruption and lawlessness. “But the PPP with a young Bhutto at its helm might be having some new ideas,” I argued. “What for?” Mr. Right said. “He is sure that the PPP will return to power despite dismal performance of its government.” “Do you mean the PPP does not need to change its 33
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manifesto that is too primitive now?” I quizzed Mr. Right. “The party doesn’t want to change anything, not even its antiquated slogan of ‘Roti, Kapra and Makan’ (bread, housing and clothing) because it realises that it is yet to fulfill all three promises to the people,” Mr. Right replied. “And lastly, what Musharraf is supposed to do now?” I looked at Mr. Right. “Raising his ‘Pakistan First’ slogan, he had come here to become a saviour and lead the country out of the current economic mess through new policy changes, but his journey has led him to an unexpected destination.” “The former dictator has to find ways to return to safety first. He must now be thinking of changing his famous slogan to ‘Pakistan Later’,” Mr. Right remarked.
Khaleej Times May 1, 2013 34
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Of angels and demons Angels can’t walk in where even demons fear to tread
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IKE EVERY election, the new polls in Pakistan too have produced its own angles and demons of democracy. “Hats off to Ghulam Ahmad Bilour, the strongman of Awami National Party (ANP) in Peshawar who not only gracefully accepted his defeat against the Tehreek-i-Insaf chief Imran Khan but also ruled out any possibility of rigging in the polls,” Mr. Right said praising his democratic spirit. “He seems to be an angel when many others are trying to make democracy a game of demons,” he observed. “I find the statement of Begum Nasim Wali Khan, the mother of ANP, equally heartening for democracy lovers,” I said. “She said the party lost the election because Asfandyar Wali Khan had deviated from the policies of his father and grandfather. His bad policies wrecked the party.” “I wish we had a Begum Nasim Wali Khan in the Pakistan Peoples’ Party,” Mr. Right said. “An angel who could point out the sins which led to such a humiliating defeat for the party of the ‘martyrs’. “The PPP has become a martyr itself because of its bad governance,” I said. “It should now try to defeat demons in its 35
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ranks.” “The election turned Nawaz Sharif into an angel who promised to take the country out of the woods. He humbly thanked his followers for their support and asked opponents to forgive him for the bitter election campaign,” Mr. Right continued. “He even visited Imran Khan’s hospital to wish him speedy recovery and urge him to bury the hatchet,” Mr. Right added. “The gesture would go a long way in promoting a friendly relationship between them.” “But Nawaz Sharif’s gesture would disappoint Maulana Fazlur Rahman of JUI-F who has declared a war on Imran Khan’s PTI in Khyber Pakhtunkhwa (KP),” I pointed out. “Calling the party’s mandate in the province controversial, he invited PML-N and other small entities in the KP assembly to cobble up a coalition with his party to prevent PTI from forming a government.” “The Maulana loves to grab power by hook or by crook,” Mr. Right said. “I hope the PML-N will never be tempted to accept this option as this will only create bad blood between the PML-N and the PTI.” “I am sure this will never happen as the PML-N has been elected as a majority party in the country by ‘wise youths’ in the words of Mariam Nawaz and it will act wisely to checkmate the demons who intend to bring bad name to democracy by promoting rifts and controversies,” I predicted. “But controversies are considered the spice of democracy,” Mr. Right argued. “There are some leaders who deliberately whip up a controversy to become the talk of the town, Altaf Hussain, the MQM superman is one of them. He is a fire-eater and loves to issue scorching statements against his opponents but they don’t mind because his every statement is followed by an ‘I didn’t mean it’ clarification.” I agreed. “After former dictator Zia-ul-Haq whose title CMLA was known as an acronym for ‘cancel my last announcement’, Altaf Hussain has become famous for his 36
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U-turns in politics, at least verbally.” “Many commentators, including the European Union observers have called the election 90 per cent free and fair,” Mr. Right said. “The 10 per cent polls were rigged by demons let loose in Karachi and some constituencies elsewhere, thanks to the mismanagement of the Election Commission.” “It is really unfortunate because the Election Commissioner Fakhruddin G. Ebrahim was respected as an angel who had promised to ensure clean elections,” I lamented. “With spreading protests and calls for re-election in many parts of the country, the Election Commission must now be feeling greatly embarrassed,” Mr. Right said. “I have full sympathy for Fakhru Bhai, the poor chap who has never allowed himself to be part of any scandal. He must be feeling cheated by all others who had promised him to make foolproof arrangements for the polls.” “Election in a country like ours is a tricky business,” Mr. Right said. “Angels can’t walk in where even demons fear to tread.”
Khaleej Times May 21, 2013 37
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Priorities and promises Will Pakistan’s leaders live up to the public’s expectations?
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HE PEOPLE are expecting new leaders to put Pakistan into right gear to ensure a smooth drive on the road to progress. “And the right gear means they have to identify the right priorities,” Mr. Right said placing a newspaper on the table. “What do you mean by right priority?” I asked. “It simply means first thing first, but it may be different for different people,” Mr. Right remarked. “There is a joke that once a teenager went for her first driving lesson. As she slid behind the wheel, the instructor told her to make seat adjustments so that the car is comfortable for her. ‘Now what the first thing you should do?’ the instructor asked her. ‘Change the radio station,” she replied. “Most of our leaders in the past had been making themselves comfortable in the driving seat with things turning more entertaining for them,” I said. “These were their priorities,” Mr. Right said. “The new leaders will have to work out different choices.” “But for Maulana Fazlur Rehman, every politician’s first 38
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priority should be to join hands with the party in power and he has succeeded in this after the PML-N agreed in principle on his ‘priorities’.” “And what are his other priorities?” “As usual, ministries ,which have little impact on the voters’ lives and celestial laws that, in his view, would automatically prevent brothers from killing brothers, what a day dreamer he is,” Mr. Right grinned. “And what about the others?” I looked at him. “Well, the PML-N has expressed its intention to deal with load shedding on a priority basis,” he explained. Nawaz Sharif is keen to increase power supply to reduce the agony of the people.. He has also turned his eye to big organisations and public corporations overloaded with inefficient staff.” “The government has already started a nation-wide talent hunt to replace bad managers,” I pointed out. “And this means ‘load shedding’ is going to stay in the country in another form.” “In Punjab, Shabaz Sharif is ready to launch a ‘Metro Bus Drive’ against corruption, measles and electricity shortfall,” Mr. Right said. “Many heads might roll there as well.” “Imran Khan too has a long list of priorities,” he observed. “Drone attacks are on top of the list. But he is yet to find an alternate target for them. Drones are made to attack the enemies of our great friend and operations in the mountains will stop only if new enemies are identified.” “Imran’s party is also going to change the police system in the KP,” I said. “Will they elect or recruit them at the village level ?” “The first priority for the KP government should be to remove confusion about their reforms,” Mr. Right stressed. “The chief minister’s rhetoric till now has only left the people guessing about the shape of things to come in their province.” “Then the PPP is the only political party that has no 39
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confusion about its priorities,” I said. “The party’s name itself seems to be an acronym of Priority, Priority, Priority.” “No doubt, their priorities are the same as before. These include projection of personalities, protection of power and putting people in peril,” Mr. Right elaborated. “They are again in power in Sindh and the people are bracing for new disasters,” I said. “Don’t lose your heart,” Mr. Right comforted me. “The chief minister has promised a new era for Sindh with strong measures to end unrest in Karachi and elsewhere even without the help of the MQM.” “Karachi is producing more garbage and dead bodies on a daily basis than any other city in the country and the government has failed to keep the streets clean due to shortage of resources,” I said. “It would be very wise to outsource cleaning services to Edhis, who are taking good care of dead bodies dumped in lanes and ditches. They are really well-equipped to handle all kinds of litter in the city,” I suggested. “Top priority should be attached by the authorities concerned to means of removing bullet-riddled bodies in Karachi and Quetta,” Mr. Right pleaded. “One has to keep the roads hazard-free and the administrative vehicle in right gear to make the journey successful.”
Khaleej Times June 18, 2013 40
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Of bombs and biryani What is the connection between food and destruction in Pakistan?
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HE PAKISTANIS are a jolly-at-heart people who know how to retain their sense of humour in the worst of times. “The continuing duel between life and death has failed to dampen their spirits. Bombs and blasts can not deprive them of their taste for spicy chicken biryani,” Mr. Right smiled. “Oh, yes,” I agreed. “The two things that have become a permanent feature of their current lifestyle are bomb blasts and a plate of biryani. Biryani centres have mushroomed in cities and food streets have flourished despite a spate of bomb blasts in recent times.” “This indicates people don’t want to die hungry,” Mr. Right remarked. “Eating is their best pastime and they want to ensure that the best possible dishes are at hand.” “Our people are so fond of eating that they have even elected a prime minister who himself is a connoisseur of good food,” I pointed out. “I hope he will help stop power load-shedding in eating places at least.” “I am all praise for the people who have learned to live happily in the most trying period of this country,” Mr. Right said. “Bombs explode every now and then causing heavy 41
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damage to life and property, but business goes on as usual.” “This has helped two types of TV channels to prosper: Those showing bomb blasts and those making people good cooks,” I said. “Both are trying to make the people strong, mentally and physically.” “No doubt, good cooks make good food and good food makes the people strong,” Mr. Right said. “The only problem is that cooking shows on various channels have made the spicy chicken biryani so popular that some eager viewers have started asking the recipe of chicken biryani by ringing the Police Rescue Team that is meant to help victims in case of a bomb blast.” I laughed. “Such queries are no better than a bomb blast. I hope the rescue team must have figured out a way to deal with such crazy callers.” “If not,” Mr. Right said, “they should give the caller the phone number of the costliest biryani centre.” “I am happy that the common people have not lost their appetite for food and good fun despite depression and destruction caused by the enemies of peace,” I said. “Things are looking up in areas which were under the control of terrorists some time ago,” Mr. Right said. “The recent festival in Swat is a proof of the people’s resilience,” I said.” They are fully capable of rebuilding old image and bringing back tourists who had stayed away from the area for some years.” “I think the nation has to embark on a rebuilding mission on a massive scale,” Mr. Right commented. “We have to rebuild a lot of things, including national monuments and our tarnished reputation.” “A mountain of responsibility lies ahead for the new government too,” I looked at Mr. Right. “Very true,” he nodded. “It’s a Nanga Parbat challenge for them. They will have to stop tormentors of the people, those who bring bad name to the country.” 42
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“They say that Quaid-i-Azam’s Residency in Ziarat, torched by rebels recently, will be restored to its old glory within six months,” I reminded him. “Very heartening indeed,” Mr. Right said. “The Ziarat Residency has its own importance. Not only because the father of the nation spent last few days of his life there, but also because it became a monument to the great leader’s integrity.” “What do you mean?” I asked. “Since the Quaid-i-Azam was not eating properly, his physician advised his sister, Mohtarma Fatima Jinnah, to change the cook. She called a cook from Karachi without telling the Quaid. When the meal prepared by the new cook, his favourite, was presented to the Quaid, he immediately recognised the taste and was annoyed that the man was called there unnecessarily on government expenses.” “Did he refuse to eat his meal?” I asked. “No, he happily ate his meal but later gave a cheque for the money spent on the cook’s transfer, saying that he had no right to call a cook from Karachi on government account while on leave. This is how he gave the lesson of honesty to the whole nation.” “It was the Quaid-i-Azam who gave us the tips to cook an ‘honest meal’, “ I said. “Yes, but much before his monument was destroyed, his advice was forgotten. Everybody now wants to eat the spicy chicken biryani, nobody wants to cook an ‘honest meal’ now,” Mr. Right lamented.
Khaleej Times June 26, 2013 43
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Largest city of have-nots Karachi is a destitute city that is fighting for its survival
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ARACHI needs an efficient public transport system and an honest police force to push the old junk off the road. “This is necessary to turn the world’s largest city of ‘have-nots’ into a modern metropolis,” I told Mr. Right who was browsing a newspaper report about a government plan to revive the defunct circular railway. “The circular railway will serve as a ‘merry-go-round´ for the people living in satellite towns around Karachi but who would take care of half the city rushing back and forth from morning till evening every day,” Mr. Right said. “The buses plying on Karachi roads are an eyesore no doubt with shattered windows covered with soiled bed sheets, but these cannot be done away with unless measures are taken to revolutionise public transport,” he added. “If the circular railway proves insufficient to meet the city’s transport needs, we have other options too,” I pointed out. “The new rulers have proposed a Metro bus service on the lines of Lahore’s project and the prime minister has even hinted at sharing China’s experience in building an underground railway system.” 44
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“The idea seems to be good,” Mr. Right said. “Karachi would certainly welcome foreign experts to ease its problems. In fact, I wouldn’t mind if every Metro bus or railway carriage is accompanied by Chinese guards to protect it from vandals.” “Oh, no,” I screamed. “Don’t you trust your own police?” “No, because I have seen them hiding behind sand bags when hooligans start torching buses in the city,” Mr. Right explained. “Karachi is a destitute city that is fighting for its survival,” I said. “Charities help us rush the dead and injured to hospitals and dish out free meals to the people dying of hunger. They can even collect heaps of garbage from roadside and ensure uninterrupted water supply to the people if the municipality is handed over to them.” “I know, the city needs to have a lot of other things too in addition to good transport and ‘well-fed’ policemen,” Mr. Right nodded. “And peace comes first.” “Yes,” I agreed. “It even needs some good old people’s homes, because most young men have left their homes for safer places, and those staying back are playing hide and seek with death. They are unable to take care of their elders.” “Last week, I saw an appeal from an 80-year old pensioner in a newspaper seeking shelter in a safe place,” Mr. Right said. “It’s really ironic that in a city which boasts many well-laid-out graveyards, there is a deplorable shortage of accommodation for senior citizens who have not yet been permitted by destiny to kick the bucket.” “Cemeteries are growing, no doubt, but these are not properly located,” I reminded him.” Every residential colony should have its own burial facility because funeral processions heading for far flung cemeteries attract bombers and sharpshooters increasing the demand for more graves.” “Well, this could be done by converting all community parks in residential areas into graveyards for the greater good 45
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of the people,” he suggested. “But I don’t think that expanding graveyards could eventually bring peace to the city,” I said. “Peace could only be restored by bringing all criminals and enemies of sanity to book.” “Not a bad idea,” Mr. Right smiled. “But the problem is that most people think that all the criminals are hiding in the camp of their opponents. I was, therefore, pleased by the views expressed by a Baloch leader in a TV talk show recently that anybody other than a cop or a soldier possessing fire arms must be treated as a terrorist.” “Certainly, this should be the yardstick to fight criminals in society,” I said. “Then what is the problem, why the people with illegal arms are not being given a run for their lives?” “The answer is simple. There are too many gunmen and also too many mourners. You cannot fight both at a time.”
Khaleej Times July 9, 2013 46
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Turning words into swords Writers, poets shouldn’t surrender to the forces of extremism
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HEY ALL were word-smiths, trained in turning words into gems and jewels to adorn their prose and poetry, but they now wanted to turn them into swords to fight the demon called corporate dominance. “You may call it globalisation or neo-imperialism,” Mr. Right smiled. “You must be talking about the national conference of the Progressive Writers’ Association (PWA) in Karachi last week,” I said. “Dedicated to Ali Sardar Jafri, the Indian icon of protest poetry and one of the stalwarts of the progressive writers’ movement in the sub-continent, the event reminded the people that they generally kept worrying about Hepatitis, dengue and hyper tension, but there were other ailments too that needed to be tackled seriously.” “Globalisation is not an ailment it’s an epidemic,” Mr. Right said. “It’s going to change everything, food, lifestyle and aspirations.” “Speakers gave vent to their feelings against invasion of corporate culture and uninterrupted march of capital through international borders,” he continued. “They included PWA office-bearers and delegates from 47
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other cities. One of them, a fire-eater, assailed writers for not doing enough to counter the socio-political and economic onslaught from the West.” “It’s spreading like cancer according to writers,” I said. “That’s why they decided to meet in a hospital to discover a vaccine against our cultural decay.” “Mairaj Mohammad Khan, veteran leader, no doubt, prescribed one,” Mr. Right said. “He urged writers and poets never to surrender to the forces of oppression and extremism and carry on their mission to spread rational thinking and enlightenment in society through their writings.” “Prof. Sahar Ansari, Salim Raz, Rashid Misbah, Wahid Bashir, Dr. Anwar Ahmad, Taj Baloch, Zahida Hina, Prof. Shabbir, Fatima Hasan, Sahar Imdad and Ambreen Haseeb Amber also expressed their views on how to deal with the situation,” I said. “But some of their views drew blunt responses.” “I liked that because it shows our writers have the courage to cross swords in order to reach right decisions,” Mr. Right remarked. “A speaker’s insistence on the purity of language sparked a heated debate on the subject and the scholarly discussion meandered its way from bazari language (market dialect) to free market economy that is going to become a market-free economy.” “Dr. Agha Nasir from Quetta in my view stole the show with his impressive performance,” I said. “He was sweet in tone and most reasonable in approach.” “I agree,” Mr. Right said. “Coming from a city plagued with terrorism, he displayed an uncommon calm temper and spoke of the grape wine, an apple tree and birds. He provided a touch of serenity to the conference.” “May be this was his recipe of creating goodwill and defeating extremism,” I said. “Mazhar Jamil tried to deal with the question whether our writers are oblivious of their 48
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responsibility to portray the rigours of life in their works,” Mr. Right said. “Disagreeing with those who thought the writers were enjoying a siesta, he listed a number of novels, short stories and non-fiction books published in recent years depicting the realities of life after 9/11.” “This proves only one thing that many of us have stopped reading books,” I said. “The conference was held to mark the centenary of Ali Sardar Jafri who served as the mouthpiece of the progressive movement since its beginning, “Mr. Right said. “Muslim Shamim presented an article highlighting Jafri’s achievements. Some of his verses were also recited.” “The one-day event was attended by men of letters, students, trade unionists and labourers. When one of the delegates said he didn’t see any labourers in the audience, a few hands went up to make their presence felt,” I said. “The conference was aimed at making the writers raise their hands too expressing their readiness to face the challenges of globalisation,” Mr. Right said. “These challenges were earlier spelled out by Dr. Syed Jafar Ahmed in his paper on globalisation and its influence on language and literature,” I said. “The guests were treated to a rice and daal (pulse) lunch called mazdooron ka khana (labours’ meal) by him. And everybody loved it,” Mr. Right said. “It was completely free of global bacteria.”
Khaleej Times August 22, 2013 49
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Overcoming demons We don’t need lessons, theories and speeches… we need action
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EOPLE ARE not safe in their homes these days, but there are those who are trying to make roads safe for them. “Do you think they are serious?” Mr. Right asked me showing a newspaper carrying a story about a seminar on road safety. “The irony is that the seminar was held in Peshawar, capital of KP where terrorists have played havoc with the lives of the people both inside and outside their homes,” I said. “They can make the roads safe for the people only if they are able to stop the traffic of saboteurs and suicide bombers into cities.” “Participants of the seminar recommended that road safety lessons should be included in the curriculum of schools,” Mr. Right said. “They think these lessons would make children safe on roads.” “They want to make them good drivers and disciplined pedestrians, a noble task indeed,” I commented. “But they should first introduce this curriculum into teaching centres where children are being taught to explode bombs and turn roads into war zones.” 50
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“The need for road safety was felt due to rising number of deaths in traffic accidents,” Mr. Right explained. “I don’t agree,” I said. “Currently, more people are now at the mercy of killers on wheels than those who risk their lives by driving recklessly,” I said. “A seminar should be organised to highlight the off-road hazards too.” Mr. Right agreed. “The roads have become safe haven for car lifters, ransom-seeking kidnapprs and robbers who take advantage of traffic jams and commit crimes in broad day light.” “There has also been a visible increase in child molestation cases through out the country,” I said. “What type of curriculum should be introduced in schools to teach our youngsters good morals?” “They should be taught how to protect themselves when school buses are boarded by mobile snatchers and muggers,” Mr. Right said. “They should also be given lessons how they could avoid kidnapping. “But I am against all curriculums,” I interrupted him. “We don’t need any lessons, theories and good speeches, we need action. Instead of holding seminars and round-table meetings, police and rangers should be deployed on the roads to pick up law-breakers, whether they try to jump a red signal or open fire at a passerby or a passing motorist. Things would improve within a couple of months.” “This sound too drastic, I am afraid, many political bigwigs might not like it,” Mr. Right warned. “Remember, all of them had agreed in public to support action against demons in any garb, why should they cry foul when the efforts are aimed at restoring law and order,” I argued. “If they are sincere they must disclose the names of demons in their ranks.” “Are you joking?” Mr. Right said. “They have only angels in their fold.” “Thanks God, nobody has mooted the idea of hosting a seminar on the advantages of having angels around,” I said. 51
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“Well,” Mr. Right said. “The suggestion to introduce road safety lessons in schools is actually aimed at producing angels.” “Oh, I thought they wanted to eliminate demons on the roads,” I said. “Do you think they will succeed in making people law-abiding in the long run and reducing blood-letting on the roads?” “Don’t ask me, I think unless we are able to eliminate greater threats to people’s life and property, the talk about road safety and traffic discipline sounds ridiculous. Until then, I don’t want anybody to do anything to reduce road accidents.” “Why?” I was astonished. “For two reasons,” Mr. Right said. “Firstly, an accident makes you learn from your own mistakes and become more careful, and secondly, accidents provide society a chance to get rid of demons who love breaking the laws and putting others’ lives in danger.” I laughed. “Yes, instead of worrying about lawbreakers, you can simply ask them to drive like hell and go to hell,” Mr. Right remarked.
Khaleej Times September 17, 2013 52
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Machine-made talks Only a heartless instrument can deal with heartless groups
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INCE A number of wise men these days are asking rulers in Pakistan to have talks with those who actually don’t believe in talking, Mr. Right has invented a talking machine to help them overcome this problem. “The machine is deaf and dumb and totally heartless and uses electronic signals to express itself,” he said. “It’s an ideal gadget to talk to criminals, jail-breakers and murderers who are equally deaf and dumb and totally heartless.” I was amazed. “Do you think it would make the two sides talk to each other to reach an agreement?” “I am pretty sure the machine can help,” Mr. Right said. “It very efficiently identifies senseless suggestions and helps reach understanding on absurd solutions.” “Has anybody tested the machine earlier?” I asked. “Yes, I had lent it to a friend who was trying to negotiate a deal with a master of kidnapping for ransom who wanted to kidnap his son and then break into his neighbour’s home to steal his car,” Mr. Right said. “And did the machine work?” “To some extent,” Mr. Right replied. “My friend told the 53
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would-be kidnapper that it was not a good way to harass good citizens.” “Okay,” he said. “You suggest a better way.” “Where is the machine now?” “With another friend who wanted to talk to a ‘walking bomb’ caught by security guards outside a mosque,” Mr. Right said. “The explosive device has been made ineffective, sir,” the guards told him. The man grinned and lifted his shirt. “Sorry, you missed a free trip to paradise, I had a group visa for everybody.” “So your talking machine is making them talk, isn’t it?” I said. “Yes, at least there is a chance that our leaders might convince them to stop wearing their ‘designer jackets’,” Mr. Right said. “But they would want something in return,” I said. “Maybe they can be assured of amnesty.” “But they have killed hundreds of people and destroyed or damaged a number of important public and private buildings in the country,” Mr. Right argued. “If they are forgiven, there will be an uprising in jails, because prisoners will also demand talks to press for amnesty for all their crimes.” “The prisoners should not worry because the militants will get them freed too,” I reminded Mr. Right. “That means all jails will be dismantled eventually,” Mr. Right said. “The militants have also demanded an end to military action, especially drone attacks and withdrawal of troops from areas where they had earlier lost their foothold,” I pointed out. “Are they really willing to talk?” “They love to talk through the barrel of a gun,” Mr. Right said. “The attack on an army general and the Peshawar church blasts are fresh in the people’s memory.” “But the militants of the main group have denied 54
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involvement in the blasts,” I said. “They say they don’t kill non-Muslims.” “Yes, they specialise in killing Muslims only,” Mr. Right remarked. “Despite all this confusion, Imran Khan and the Maulanas sporting turbans and caps of different hues insist that talks should be held. Do you think your talking machine can bring the two reluctant sides to the negotiation table?” I asked. “Sure, it will, because there is much more uncertainty now,” Mr. Right said. “The prime minister has asked the militants to first lay down arms and recognise the country’s constitution, if they are willing to talk.” “Do you mean your talking machine will prove handy to push the participants towards talks even though its agenda is unclear and undecided?” I looked at Mr. Right. “As I told you, talking machine is deaf and dumb and totally heartless. In all its probability, it will help the two sides to reach an agreement, however absurd it may be,” he said “But why do you think it would be absurd?” I was astonished. “Because Pakistan can make no promises on its own and prevent the agreement from becoming absurd,” he commented.
Khaleej Times September 29, 2013 55
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Festivals, fantasies and food TV channels go berserk with their meat treat shows
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E LOVE animals. And Eid Al Adha gives everyone of us an opportunity to generously shower our love on them. “We buy the best of four-legged beauties and feed them the best food, before handing them to the butcher,” Mr. Right said, picking the last piece of fried liver from the plate. Pushing the empty dish aside, I said, “Praise the Lord for having created the cow, the sheep and …” “The butcher,” Mr. Right completed the sentence. “Don’t forget the man who cuts, chops and minces the meat to meet our cooking fancies and give us the real pleasure of tickling our taste buds.” “That’s true,” I nodded. “Eid-e-Qurban (festival of sacrifice) brings with it a festival of culinary delights.” “All cooking shows on TV channels go berserk with their ‘meat treats’ and suggest a myriad ways of making the best use of the animals we love from head to foot,” Mr. Right said. “They even tell you how to keep the meat fresh and wellpreserved in fridge until next Eid, despite long periods of load shedding,” I said. “People love to buy big animals,” Mr. Right said. “They 56
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go to bring a mid-sized goat and come back with a raging bull.” “A friend of mine describes the quality of animals in terms of car brands. He goes to the cattle market to hunt for a Mercedes Cow, a BMW Bull or a Porsche Sheep,” I said. “I hope he doesn’t plan to ride them on the roads,” Mr. Right said. “He assesses the quality through their fuel consumption and luxury looks,” I said. “He likes animals that look beautiful, promise plenty of meat and eat less.” “So he’s also one of those who love heavyweights,” Mr. Right smiled. “The big ones stay with us for longer periods in the shape of frozen chopped ribs, leg pieces and other delicacies.” “It’s a shame,” I fumed. “Don’t you think this attitude deprives the poor, the less privileged and the destitute of their due share of the sacrificed meat? It should be distributed.” “Well,” Mr. Right pondered for a while and said, “The fault lies with the companies producing large-size fridges and freezers. If the meat is distributed freely these expensive gadgets will become redundant.” “But I think the people who believe in strict meat control should look for jobs in a gas distribution company. I don’t like them,” I said. “I like this festival because it helps people practise generosity,” Mr. Right stressed. “And I like it because it highlights the importance of animals and teaches man to take care of them,” I said. “It also shifts focus from man to animal,” Mr. Right said. “It is an occasion when man is seen serving animals.” “I like the way people pamper their pets,” I said. “They are treated like celebrities and given a red-carpet welcome everywhere they go,” Mr. Right observed. “Special beauty parlours, hair cutting salons and boutiques sprang up to give the animals a face-lift and provide them an eye-catching outfit,” I said. 57
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“The sheep and cow market turned into Bollywood and many four-legged heartthrobs named after Shah Rukh Khan, Salman Khan, Priyanka Chopra and Katrina Kaif set the catwalk aglow with their dazzling looks,” Mr. Right said. “But Bunty and Babli, two giant cows, stole the show with their air-borne appearance,” I pointed out. “The pair created a stir in a residential area when hundreds of people flocked to a five-storey housing complex to watch a crane bringing down both of them from the building’s rooftop.” “A great show!” Mr. Right said. “The festival finally ended with the noble task performed by all heroes.” “And Karachi, like every other place presented the look of a huge abattoir with blood-soaked roads strewn with remnants of slaughtered animals,” I said. “A happy ending indeed!” Mr. Right exclaimed. “The roads of Karachi had been tasting human blood for a long time. Eid Al Adha brought a change.” “What do you mean?” I asked. “Cows and lambs took the place of residents of Karachi. We love animals,” Mr. Right remarked.
Khaleej Times October 21, 2013 58
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Getting rid of guns Laws don’t work because criminals don’t follow laws
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OLLECTING FIREARMS is the most popular pastime of the Pakistani people these days. “Everybody needs a gun because every other fellow has a gun,” Mr. Right explained. “As a result every ninth Pakistani is armed.” “And ready to shoot at will,” I added. “The facts were revealed at a seminar on de-weaponisation in Karachi recently,” Mr. Right said. “The guns are easily available and getting a licence is no problem.” “But not everybody needs to bother,” I said. “According to independent figures, out of 20 million weapons in a nation of 180 million, only seven million are licensed,” Mr. Right stressed. “Bravo,” I exclaimed. “This shows they want to keep weapons by hook or by crook.” “They need guns to settle old scores with rivals, kill wives, sisters and mothers in the name of honour, and carry ferocious armed escorts with them in open vehicles to impress passersby,” Mr. Right observed. “Experts blame the government for promoting the gun culture in the country,” I pointed out. “They have been 59
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generously issuing prohibited bore licences to applicants in recent years.” “The beneficiaries include a large number of lawmakers,” Mr. Right said. “Our parliament was dubbed ‘the most violent parliament in the world’ by an expert because around 70,000 licences for lethal arms were issued to members of the National Assembly during the past five years. The average comes to 300 licences per person.” “This indicates the increasing security risk in our society,” I said. “But politicians, bureaucrats and influential people seem to be more concerned about their own safety while the masses are left to bear the brunt of gang wars, target killings and other crimes.” “Politicians think once the drone attacks are over, the ‘misguided’ will return to mosques and madarsahs, heralding an end to sectarian killings, bank robberies and kidnappings for ransom. But I don’t think this is possible before all weapons are seized,” Mr. Right stressed. “The Sindh government had recently launched a campaign for the people to voluntarily surrender illegal weapons, but it failed miserably as nobody came to give up his gun,” I reminded him. “In fact, the government should have asked the cops to deposit their obsolete guns which are useless, compared to the most modern weapons used by the bandits,” Mr. Right said. “The time has come to confiscate all illegal weapons and make gun control laws more stringent,” I said. “Wise men say that gun laws don’t work because criminals don’t follow laws,” Mr. Right said. “In that case, we must force them to follow the laws.” “But to be able to force bandits, criminals and miscreants to follow the laws, we will have to replace the outdated weapons of our police force and provide them more efficient equipment,” I suggested. “I agree,” Mr. Right said. “They should be given 60
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ultra-modern guns and other weapons but not the bullet-proof cars.” “Why?” I was astonished. “Armoured cars ensure their safety in hot spots.” “I don’t want them to have a siesta inside their bulletproof vehicles and wait for ceasefire. They must take positions outside and make the criminals run for their lives,” he said. “Currently, the police in Karachi are being helped by the rangers to control the law and order situation,” I said. “Things might improve soon. Still I think the government should launch a ‘gun-for-money’ campaign to provide an incentive to people to surrender illegal weapons.” “Great idea,” Mr. Right said. “The government should pay more than the market price for every piece of weapon. This will certainly persuade people to sell their illegal arms as quickly as possible,” I said. “But the police department will have to make sure of one thing,” Mr. Right warned. “What’s that?” “They will have to ensure that their own weapons remain fully protected,” he grinned.
Khaleej Times October 30, 2013 61
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The new manimal farm Humans who only kill and don’t love are the worst kind
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HESE ARE days of mourning in Pakistan. “From Peshawar to Karachi, all soft-hearted people are grief-stricken,” Mr. Right told me, showing me some stories strewn all over the newspaper and soaked in tears. “A great loss, according to many sages, who say it is disastrous,” I said. “Are you one of the mourners?” “I am mourning the death of Romeo, a chimpanzee in Karachi Zoo,” Mr. Right said. “Romeo was all love and never hated anyone. He should be treated with respect. The animal deserved a decent burial.” “One should not forget even the horse that was felled by an assassin’s bullet in a Karachi street,” I reminded Mr. Right. “It was a faithful creature, very loyal to its people.” “Both deserve our tribute,” Mr. Right said. “The death of animals is big news in a city where daily killing of humans is commonplace.” “Still, animals can never be elevated to the level of martyrdom unless killed by the enemy number one, according to a noted cleric,” I pointed out. 62
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“And who is the enemy number one?” Mr. Right asked. “Well, who else can it be except the drone master?” I said. “And Maulana Fazlur Rahman says even a dog is a martyr if the killer is you know who.” “Well, the great maulana is an authority on the subject,” Mr. Right said. “He knows what he is saying.” “Don’t take him seriously,” I said. “The maulana has a great sense of humour and his words of wisdom meant only to amuse those who seem to have been stunned by the unexpected happenings in the mountains.” “Actually, the maulana wanted to make it clear that as a nation we should maintain our reputation as the largest producer of martyrs in the world,” Mr. Right explained. “Animals too can be added to the total output.” “I don’t think he should worry about any decrease in the output,” I said. “The martyr factory installed by our own brothers in the country has been working overtime to kill people like dogs and make them martyrs.” Mr. Right agreed. “Nobody should worry about that. We will continue to produce a bumper crop of martyrs as the change of guard in the mountains is quite promising in this regard.” “There is no dearth of would-be martyrs too in the country,” I said. “This is one of the great advantages of any country with a large population.” “In that case, animals should be spared,” Mr. Right stressed. “There are plenty of better targets.” “But only the horse was killed, the chimpanzee died a natural death. Why do you worry about them?” I quizzed him. “That’s true, the chimp Romeo died in the arms of Juliet, his sweetheart,” Mr. Right said sorrowfully. “And a lover’s life came to an end.” “An absorbing romantic tale of the Karachi Zoo, I love it.” “I mourn his death because the chimp was an icon of 63
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love,” Mr. Right said. “He shared Juliet’s enclosure for many years after her previous partner was killed in a shoot-out.” “There is a lesson for everybody in this story, I think,” I continued. “Guns kill love but love saves lives.” “That’s true. I mourn the chimp because he was not an animal. He was more than an animal,” Mr. Right observed. “What do you mean?” I asked. “Those who only kill and don’t love are just animals,” Mr. Right elaborated. “This can be said for humans too,” I said. “Many of them just kill and don’t love, either man or animal.” “They must be called animals or ‘manimals’,” Mr. Right remarked. “A chimpanzee is better than many animals and most manimals.”
Khaleej Times November 28, 2013 64
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The lying game Today’s society regards truthfulness as simple-mindedness
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E LOVE to play all types of games, but the one which has earned us distinction is the lying game. We hate to tell the truth even where it is impossible to hide it, Mr. Right lamented. “It’s noticed every day in courts,” I said. “Nobody wants to spoil the business of prosecutors, pleaders and fake witnesses.” “I know, all of them combine to promote a justice system that is a fake from top to bottom,” Mr. Right observed. “You cannot be sure if the right person has been detained for a certain crime and even if he is convicted and jailed, you might be shocked to know later that the prisoner too was a fake.” “A fake prisoner. How is it possible?” “Why not? Our police are capable of doing anything. You will find many prisoners in jail who are not supposed to be there. They are there because somebody wants them to stay there in place of the real ones,” Mr. Right said. “That means the ‘real ones’ are allowed to stay out of jail and break the law at will without fear of punishment since 65
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they have a strong alibi,” I said. “That’s right,” Mr. Right agreed. “Sindh has the honour of having 41 such proxy prisoners in various jails.” “This is a classic example of faking identity of the people,” I said. “The police must be praised for inventing such a foolproof method of protecting the big fish.” “But I must say that the protectors of law will never want to keep the prisons empty. They keep the supply of inmates to prisons uninterrupted,” Mr. Right said. “This monthly quota of prisoners is met by picking up beggars, street urchins and innocent young boys in poor localities.” “They claim to have arrested hundreds of extortionists, kidnappers and terrorists in their targeted operation during the past few months, but nothing has changed in Karachi,” I pointed out. “Killers never miss their targets and banks are looted in broad daylight.” “No doubt, things are bad,” Mr. Right agreed. “But I am sure a day will come when our police and para-military squads will be able to fight the real criminals. Currently, they are busy getting shooting practice in fake encounters with terrorists and dacoits.” “The sad part of the story is that many innocent lives are lost in these fake encounters,” I said. “An unarmed taxi driver was gunned down in Karachi recently and one can never forget that bloody incident in Kharotabad, Balochistan where sharpshooters killed some foreigners, including a pregnant woman, sometime back.” “The question, however, is whether only police should be blamed for faking things and promoting the lying game. We are part of a society where anybody speaking the truth is considered mentally retarded,” I said. “Smart people excel in lying.” Mr. Right smiled. “All our top institutions are full of these smart people.” “Parliamentarians acquire fake degrees and make fake 66
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promises in elections and bureaucrats present fake statements about their assets.” I said. “Even our sportsmen resort to dishonest means to earn money.” “This shows that society as a whole is facing a crisis of morality,” Mr. Right said. “Everybody has become a pilot who wants to fly the plane in a drunken state.” “The only reason for this social degeneration and moral decay that comes to my mind is that schools have miserably failed in their role of character building,” I added. “Which schools?” Mr. Right looked at me sarcastically. “Are you referring to those 5,000 ‘ghosts schools’ in Sindh which are located in cattle pens and horse stables but the government diligently provides funds to be spent on fake teachers and upkeep of the so-called schools? It’s part of a big lying game.” “Are there any clinics that can help us stop lying?” I asked. “After all, we have clinics where people are treated to give up smoking.” “I am not sure, but if there are any such clinics which are not fake ones, they must be having poor business,” Mr. Right remarked. “Most people these days hate the truth and love to pretend to be what they are not.”
Khaleej Times December 16, 2013 67
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Turning laws into humour People often take the laws as a challenge to their freedom
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AW-BREAKING seems to have become a national pastime in today's Pakistan which is currently witnessing a spate of law commissions set up to rope law-breakers. “Let's not talk about the commissions formed in a distant era to reveal the causes of one national debacle or the other and failed to enlighten the people about their findings,” Mr. Right said. “I am concerned about the rapidity with which the new inquiry commissions are being made to catch the culprits. It only shows that our people have an insatiable lust for breaking the laws.” “I support these commissions by all means,” I said. “These are needed to bring the law-breakers of all colour and creed to book.” “Well, I can write a whole book on these commissions that have failed to catch a single law-breaker through their investigation. Tell me, did we find out who gave shelter to Osama bin laden in Abbottabad, who was behind Benazir Bhutto’s murder, who killed the journalist Saleem Shahzad, and who was responsible for ordering the slaying of five Tajik refugees, including a pregnant woman near Quetta?” 68
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“I agree that these commissions have failed to reach a clear decision but you must accept that their actions have opened up the possibility for more such commissions. Take the Kharotabad case, the surgeon, who had done the postmortem of those perished while pleading for mercy, was also made to kick the bucket. As a result a new commission might be set up to find out who killed him,” I said. Mr. Right smiled. “Our apex court at present is over-loaded with work as it is trying to chase each and every law-breaker in the government, parliament and other segments of society,” he observed. “That’s necessary,” I said. “If you go by the grim headlines appearing in the newspapers and all ‘law-breaking’ news in TV bulletins, it looks as if all top government leaders, senior bureaucrats, military bosses, parliamentarians and politicians in the opposition parties excel in flouting the laws of the land.” “Don't be shocked, if I say yes we all are crooks of the first rate,” Mr. Right remarked. “I, therefore, suggest that instead of setting up commissions to pin point law-breakers, a commission should now be formed to find out who is not a law-breaker.” “Good idea,” I said. “That would definitely be a great service to the country. Lawmakers, who keep churning out laws after laws from the parliamentary law factory, should be asked to stop making new laws because too many laws only attract too many law-breakers.” “Quite right,” Mr. Right looked at me admiringly. “In our country, the people take the laws as a challenge to their freedom. And as someone said long ago, the laws are like the spiders’ webs. They catch the weak and the poor, but are torn to pieces by the rich and powerful.” “The roads of Karachi serve as a showcase for public contempt for the laws,” I pointed out. “You may be right, but the public can not be taken to task 69
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for not following the laws including, traffic rules unless government functionaries set an example by behaving as law-abiding citizens themselves,” Mr. Right stressed. “How right was the American jurist Louis D. Brandeis who said, Crime is contagious. If the government becomes a law-breaker, it breeds contempt for law.” “And this is where the problem lies,” I said. “Who’s there to bell the cat? The government, comprising the majority of law-makers believes that its job is to make the laws and not to obey them. Lawmakers think that the people should not expect them to do everything. They can give the laws and the people have the responsibility to obey them.” “This shows how they work in legislatures,” Mr. Right said with a smile. I am reminded of the humourist-actor Will Rogers who said: Every time they make a joke, it’s a law, and every time they make a law, it’s a joke.”
Khaleej Times January 19, 2012 70
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Living with ghosts A Perfect democracy in Pakistan exists only on paper like a ghost school
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HE PAKISTANIS love ghosts which are now present in every walk of life. “It’s a grave issue,” Mr. Right said. “They may be dead in the eyes of the others but they breathe, walk and draw salaries like other workers. They even demand pay hike because of increasing prices. Ghosts are living creatures, no doubt.” “You must be referring to ghost employees of the Sindh government,” I said. “They number 40,000 and cost Rs.10 billion annually to the Exchequer according to provincial information minister. She said that ghost workers formed around 10 per cent of the total workforce. I was amazed by her statement.” “For me, 90 per cent are ghost employees who are never seen in their offices before lunch time because of the rush hour traffic,” Mr. Right said. “I think we should stop complaining about ghosts because this is the only area where we have been witnessing a steady growth over the years,” I said. “There are 25,000 ghost schools in the country which only exist on paper. Out of them around 8,000 are in Sindh.” “Same is true about many hospitals, clinics, roads and 71
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bridges, I pointed out. “They exist in the people’s dreams only, yet the government spends lot of money on these ghostly entities, thanks to democracy.” “A large number of ghost voters have been discovered in the existing voter lists as many lovers of democracy have enlisted their dead parents and their cows and bulls too as voters,” Mr. Right said. “And the apex court wants the Election Commission to correct the lists, but wise men think it is against the very culture of democracy which gives equal rights to both the dead and the living.” “Nobody can deprive a person of his right to vote even after death,” I said. “And democracy lovers strongly defend this right of the dead man because nobody knows if the poor fellow was ever able to cast his vote himself when his was alive.” “Democracy is the best bet for the dead to come to life,” Mr. Right smiled. “That’s why you find the majority of people so rabidly defending democracy despite all its failures.” “The result is that we see ghosts everywhere,” I continued. “And the nation seems to be relishing the era of the dead. Laws seem to have died long ago and court verdicts fail to revive decision-makers in government who are in a state of coma.” “Don’t forget that the passage liked most by ghosts is a dead end,” Mr. Right pointed out. “No wonder all bold decisions of the apex court and its orders to chase notorious and corrupt spirits reach a dead end.” “You seem to have no hope that the memogate scandal, many high profile murder trials and other probes into sensitive national issues, including NRO, will ever reach a logical conclusion,” I said. “No, I fully believe in supernatural phenomenon,” Mr. Right stressed. “If the holy heaven’s intervention could find the ghost of Osama Bin Laden hiding in an Abottabad compound, timely help by divine providence could also unravel the mysteries of the 72
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unknown in Pakistan’s politics to bring a positive change.” “I hope you are not referring to Imran Khan’s so-called tsunami, amateur theatricals of Nawaz party or displays of absurd oratory by other political actors,” I said. “All of them want a perfect government,” Mr. Right said. “And what is a perfect government?” I asked. “A perfect government means a government of their own party which does not walk on the crutches of coalition,” Mr. Right grinned. “Ah, it will be a perfect democracy then,” I said. “Sorry,” Mr. Right retorted. “There can be no perfect democracy in our country. Rulers feel a ‘ghost democracy’ is better for the people. Everybody talks about it always but it exists only on paper like a ghost school. This has happened in the past and this will happen in the future.”
Khaleej Times January 31, 2012 73
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Saving life with poison We need a plan to save the lives by throwing away medicines
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HE BEST advice for a patient who visits a hospital these days is never to use the medicines prescribed by his doctor, Mr. Right told me keeping a brown parcel filled with an assortment of multi-coloured capsules on my table. “Why?” I asked. “Did the recent cases in Lahore where wrong medicines led to a virtual carnage of heart patients frighten you?” “Wrong medicines?” He said staring me in the face. “Those were fake, spurious, contaminated — medicines that don’t cure but kill people. And doctors did not prescribe the medicines; they simply signed death warrants for their patients.” “Don’t blame the doctors, please,” I pleaded. “They are as innocent as the patients. The real culprits are the heartless manufacturers of these harmful drugs in the era of impurity.” “Call them manufacturers of death,” Mr. Right remarked. “They are no better than the Taleban or any other group of terrorists. The only difference is that they want to unleash death in 74
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the form of tablets instead of bullets. We now need a plan to save the lives of the patients by throwing away all medicines.” “Well, I think the authorities have already started taking action,” I tried to calm him down. “They have ordered drug dealers to withdraw bad medicines from the market as soon as possible.” “It’s not enough,” Mr. Right frowned. “They must ensure that the hospitals have enough stock of the stuff needed to help the ailing people.” “You mean good medicines, the lifesaving ones?” I looked at him inquiringly. “No, I mean poison,” Mr. Right grinned. “Poison those coming to hospitals.” I was dumbfounded. “You mean, kill them, but why?” “Are you mad?” Mr. Right retorted. “In the era of fakes and impurities, nothing works. The son of a friend wanted to kill himself by swallowing poison after his failed love affair, but survived because the poison was adulterated. For tummy upset, he was taken to the hospital where he died after taking a medicine.” “This proves my theory,” I said. “We are living in an era of impurities.” “Certainly,” Mr. Right said. “We were suffering from military dictatorship and family doctors prescribed a medicine called democracy for us. And we all know what happened.” “All systems are dying,” I said. “Because the people discovered that all medicines were fake,” Mr. Right observed. “Political manifestos, promises, accords and charters turned out to be contaminated.” “Still there is no dearth of optimists who say that all systems and set-ups, including the railways could be revived if the medical prescription written by the country’s wisest doctor is followed in letter and spirit,” I said. “An ointment called good governance was prescribed to be applied on bruised limbs.” “I don’t think this treatment can ever start,” Mr. Right 75
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said. “Because the pharmacists in government dispensary feel that most of the items in the prescription at present are out of stock, including the anti-allergy tablets to treat NRO. Capsules earlier used to cure the ailment were also found to be spurious.” “But this may aggravate the ailments,” I warned. “The people have already started demanding withdrawal of all fake medicines from the democracy shelves.” “Not a bad idea though, but I would ask the people to remain vigilant. There is no point in replacing a fake medicine with another fake medicine. It’s better to get some poison this time, even if it turns out fake, it will not kill anybody,” Mr. Right concluded.
Khaleej Times February 14, 2012 76
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Need for a ‘Mr. Pious’ contest It looks as if we have to induce people to become pious
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ONEY CAN buy anything, from a poor man’s kidney to a rich person’s conscience,” Mr. Right said pointing to the newspaper fluttering in my hands. “You must be talking about the people who love to find a buyer in the name of democracy and politics, “I looked at him. “Today’s newspaper is full of stories about who bought whom and on what price.” “They include all the bigwigs, former ministers and ex-chief ministers, peers and sages,” Mr. Right smiled. “Politics is no better than a mad house where everybody seems to have lost his head.” “Well, Sir, I think politics is also a game like cricket where you make big money,” I said. “Cricketers have started their premier leagues like IPL and BPL very recently, but politicians have been playing their Political Premier League (PPL) for a long time.” “They have their own superstars, heroes and crowd-pullers who are bought and sold for huge sums of money,” Mr. Right stressed. “The king or his men are ready to pay any price for the chosen players in the auction.” 77
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“The list of beneficiaries is astounding,” I pointed out. “It includes many favourites of the masses, champions of piety and lions of democracy.” “This shows that protectors of the country are never oblivious of the financial needs of all those people who are ever ready to offer their unconditional services for noble causes,” Mr. Right said. “On a previous occasion, they succeeded in preventing a woman from ruling over men because they thought it was better for the country.” “But all that is history now,” I said. “What was the need to resurrect that case? Don’t you think it is a wrong time to promote the uniformed men’s money-making talent when they are busy in restoring peace in many areas of Khyber Pakhtoonkhwa and Balochistan?” “On the contrary, I think this is the right time to highlight their talent of raising enormous funds for national causes,” Mr. Right argued. “Earlier they offered money to the people who helped them install a new government. This time they should raise money and distribute it among the people who want to bring down every government.” “Although the court is yet to give its verdict on the army’s generous ‘hand-outs’ to some of the top players in PPL, many of them have started pleading for their innocence,” I said. “The followers of one of the leaders even distributed sweets after it was revealed by an insider that he had refused to accept the money offered to him.” “It’s really very shameful for all of us,” Mr. Right said. “Honesty is so scarce now that you like to worship him if you stumble on one honest person.” “Do your really think that there is a dearth of pious people now?” I asked. “Well, it looks as if we will have to induce people to become pious,” Mr. Right replied. “Protectors of the country can do this meticulously. They should now make their ‘money-for-everybody’ exercise a yearly feature. This will be 78
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a litmus test for honesty. The man who chooses to turn down the offer must be given the title of ‘Mr. Pious’ like the title of ‘Mr. Pakistan’ conferred on bodybuilders.” “This is a great idea indeed,” I said. “Mr. Pious Contest to be conducted secretly will make the people realise that money can be used for honest purposes as well.” “But don’t think money can buy everything,” Mr. Right cautioned. “As sages say money can buy a house, but not a home. It can buy a clock, but not time. It can buy a book, but no knowledge. “But the worst thing about it is that it can buy our leaders,” I said. “Yes, but not democracy, that’s the people’s will, you know,” Mr. Right grinned.
Khaleej Times March 15, 2012 79
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Don’t smile... it’s dangerous Soon a pill for the media to control the birth of a scornful laugh
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NEW KIND of pill will soon hit the market in Pakistan to stop unwanted smiles. “These ‘Kill Smile’ pills will save people from landing in jail, and TV channels from going off air,” Mr. Right said with a smile. “If a smile is such a dangerous thing which may land people in jail, why are you smiling yourself,” I asked him. “I am smiling because I was not present in the court of law, which punished a cop for smiling in front of the judge,” Mr. Right said. “The poor man tried to explain that his voluntary smile was the work of some kind of a facial deformity, but the court had a different opinion. It found it sarcastic.” “I don’t know why that court was so touchy about sarcasm, because judges on the whole have showed appreciation for satire,” I said. “The apex court, specially, deserves praise for playing it cool when government functionaries try to make it the butt of their jokes.” “The judges, of course, have a cute sense of humour,” Mr. Right agreed. “We can never forget the great M.R. Kayani, the late jurist whose speeches evoked laughter 80
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and provided food for thought. It’s the bureaucracy that believes that no one should smile unless allowed by the law. It doesn’t like even the media to make people laugh.“More than the bureaucracy, those at the helm do not want people to laugh at them,” I pointed out. “They probably think that the people should look glum if the country’s general condition is gloomy.” “They might be right,” Mr. Right said. “The economy is dying and nobody is expected to cut jokes at a funeral. But the fact is the leaders are not concerned about the country and the plight of community, they are only worried about their own image. That’s why any effort to ridicule them is considered sacrilegious.” “This thinking on their part will only promote nontolerance,” I stressed. “Comedy as somebody has said is a thing through which a society protects itself.” “But PEMRA, the agency that controls the pulse of electronic media in Pakistan, has plans to strangle comedy and tone down humour in order to protect personalities. It is soon going to launch a ‘good conduct’ pill for the media to control the birth of a scornful laugh,” Mr. Right said. “Humour is weapon of unarmed people as declared by a sage,” I continued. “In a country where the high and mighty is protected by armed men, the powerless have no other way to protect them or express their viewpoint.” “I know, Sir, according to an intellectual simpleton, a smile is a curve that sets everything straight,” I said. “But I am sorry to say that it can not help eliminate our enemies who are in plenty, if you go by the warnings aired at these public meetings.” “That’s true,” Mr. Right sighed. “The political parties hold public meetings only to castigate old enemies and create new ones.” “The list of enemies keeps growing with every public meeting,” I said. “It seems as if the country has only excelled 81
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in producing enemies over the years. Every political party has its own factory to manufacture enemies of its liking.” “The people themselves are their own enemies because they bring a narrow-minded and corrupt clique into power every time they are given a chance. Now if the authorities want them not to laugh at their own folly they are only trying to help them and mitigate their suffering,” Mr. Right observed.
Khaleej Times March 27, 2012 82
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Corrupting the corrupt Minister for power should set up candle factories to solve electricity shortage
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FTER 15 new ministers were inducted into the cabinet recently, Mr. Right was raring to go to Islamabad along with a friend who according to him was talented enough to find the 16th place in the prime minister’s new team of ministerial wizards. Both of them had booked their seats on the plane which crashed near Islamabad last week. Fortunately they missed the flight. Mr. Right took it as a good omen about his friend’s chances of becoming a minister very soon. “Disasters don’t touch men of lofty ideas. My friend is capable of producing a disaster himself.” “But the ministry of disaster management has been given to somebody else, although it has been named as the Ministry of Climate Change,” I reminded Mr. Right. “The climate is changing, no doubt, but the government is stronger than the steel mills,” Mr. Right declared. “It will get many more chances to rotate its ministers before it finally bows out.” “I don’t understand why they want to change portfolios of 83
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their ministers. With hard work, they have succeeded in developing a skill to make a mess of their ministry,” I said. “That’s why many ministers wanted to retain or regain their old portfolios.” “I know,” Mr. Right said. “The previous minister of water and power wanted his ministry back, but Lady Luck didn’t smile on him.” “Because a labour leader had warned the government at a rally not to start the rental power plant racket again,” I said. “My friend says if he is given the ministry of power he would set up candle factories in the country to solve the problem of electricity,” Mr. Right said. “Your friend seems to be a man of ideas,” I said. “Does he have any plans to fight corruption?” “Oh yes,” Mr. Right said. “My friend is keen to set up a Ministry of Corruption that will promote ways and means to become corrupt. It will hold workshops and seminars to make the people aware of methods to dupe anti-corruption authorities. Every year, the ministry will give the Most Corrupt Person Award to the best contestant from the public and private sector on the basis of the proof of his or her illgotten wealth.” I was astonished. “But how would this contest help to eliminate corruption?” “By making corruption an openly acceptable skill,” Mr. Right said. “The problem at present is that corruption is considered an ailment afflicting the neighbour. Nobody will bother if everybody is found vying for the honour meant for the most corrupt person of the year. Nobody will talk about it, not even Imran Khan.” “But why do you think that your friend will be given a chance to become a minister by this or any government?” I asked. “He is uncouth and illiterate, good at hiding the truth and always ready to find bizarre solutions to all kinds of 84
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problems,” he said. “The ministries should make sense,” I said. “The newlyformed Ministry of National Regulation and Services conveys the impression as if it will look after irregularities in national services. Likewise, the Ministry of Capital Administration & Development seems to have been created to take over the functions of Capital Development Authority in Islamabad.” “My friend says that these ministries have been created to find some work for cabinet members who are continuously blamed for not doing anything except appearing in TV talk shows,” Mr. Right said. “Well, if your friend thinks that the ministers have no useful work to do, why he himself wants to join this show?” I asked. “He is ready to volunteer his services only to help the government. He will convince the prime minister to set up yet another ministry, called the Ministry of Denials & Contradictions because some top guns are fond of misfiring,” Mr. Right replied.
Khaleej Times April 26, 2012 85
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Gadgets to make friends Every time somebody speaks through a lie detector, it goes bust
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AKISTANIS NEED some good gadgets to help them sort out their problems, Mr. Right said while addressing a workshop on innovative gadgets and gizmos in Karachi. The workshop was organised by the ministry of scientific confusions to provide guidelines to talented youth to invent gadgets which could help the nation protect its honour. “We need gadgets which could warn us against intruding flying objects, approaching storms and swelling rivers of dishonesty,” Mr. Right elaborated his point. I laughed. “What are you saying, Sir? We have the nukes, we have the world’s best fighter jets, we have a vast surveillance network, why do we need any new gadgets?” “Because the old gadgets failed to wake us up from sleep one night,” Mr. Right said. “We all had red faces although the happening proved to be a blessing in disguise for the children of Abbottabad. They got a cricket ground for free after a house in a big compound was demolished there recently to consign the whole incident to oblivion.” “Do you think that we need new gadgets like American 86
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drones to provide us the eyes to see the approaching dangers?” I asked. “Drones are currently being used to kill people, but we want gadgets to save the people,” Mr. Right said. “Had we installed a proper weather warning system we could have saved our brave troops in Siachen from ‘white death’ hurtling down the mountains.” “You have a point,” I told Mr. Right. “But most of the time the gadgets provided to us by friends don’t work. Honestly speaking, some sophisticated gadgets given to us under an aid plan to catch liars and criminals failed to produce any results.” “These were lie-detectors,” Mr. Right said. “But a liedetector can’t work here, because every time somebody speaks through it the gadget goes bust. Lie detection through traditional means is much more effective here, according to local police. With a little effort they can force a hare to admit that it is in fact an elephant. The whole consignment of those useless machines, called Voice Stress Analysers (VSA), will now be returned to the donor with thanks.” “It means our people are so adept in speaking lies that they can never be caught by lie-detecters,” I lamented. “Our scientists must try to invent a machine to detect the truth,” Mr. Right said. “This machine, to be named Truth Trap, will be most suitable for parliaments, press conference rooms and court houses.” “Another gadget that has failed to work here is the Explosive Meter,” I said. “It was gifted to us by our friends to detect bombs hidden anywhere. Installed in a mobile van, its red eye starts blinking whenever the vehicle goes past a bomb site.” “Then why did it fail?” Mr. Right asked. “Because whenever the police van is brought on the road, the red light starts flickering and it never stops. It shows as if the city is full of explosives,” I said. 87
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“We need gadgets that help us reduce tensions, increase the level of tolerance and help spread kindness, love and friendship,” I said. “If you ask ‘spiritual engineers’ now gathered under the banner, ‘Defence of Pakistan’, they would offer you a blender-mixer called ‘Antidote’ for your ‘emotional kitchen’. It will help you prepare all kinds of anti-this and anti-that stuff against neighbours, nations and national peace.” “Sorry, these so-called defenders of the country are already well-equipped to destroy peace, we don’t want to follow them,” I said. “In that case, the country’s youth must try to increase production of gadgets that help keep the people’s blood pressure under control,” Mr. Right stressed.
Khaleej Times May 8, 2012 88
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Long march to nowhere Politicians who do nothing except eating should be made to march on
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ONG MARCH has become a fashion in Pakistan’s politics today. Since Nawaz Sharif did his ‘catwalk’ to win restoration of the supreme judge, ‘long march’ has become a ‘battle cry’ of every leader, Mr. Right said, commenting on a threat by a group of people to stage a ‘long march’ to prevent NATO trucks from rolling into Afghanistan, if the government decided to resume supplies. “In fact, I support it,” I said. “A long march is badly needed by many of our political ‘heavy-weights’ who do nothing except eating, sleeping and collecting funds and fat. A long march might help them trim their bodies.” “You may be right,” Mr. Right replied. “But this so-called long march is not a march at all, because nobody there is seen walking on foot. You will be disappointed to know that it’s a mobile march with marchers riding on motor cars.” “Then we should call it a ‘drive to plunder petrol’, which would lead nowhere and only aggravate our fuel shortage,” I said. “The government must take steps to stop these ‘fashion parades’. 89
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“On the contrary, I think that the government should never try to stop any long march,“ Mr. Right argued. “It should rather facilitate the long march by setting up food and water stalls for participants, provided they go on marching on foot from Karachi to the border of Afghanistan.” “The same principle should be applied to protest rallies in big cities. People should be asked to go on foot to public meetings,” I pointed out. “Political parties have developed a trick to bring their supporters to public meetings from distant places in hired and sometimes ‘seized’ vehicles choking city streets and causing ugly traffic jams.” “The impending long march by the group of people calling themselves ‘protectors’ of the country is the latest in a series of long marches announced by leaders belonging to all parties represented by lions, bulls and zebras,” Mr. Right observed. “Well, lions have threatened to stalk Islamabad, I know, if the ‘convicted prime minister’ does not give up his seat,” I said. “But who are the Zebras?” I asked. “What they are up to?” “They have striped flags, representing a confused lot,” Mr. Right said. “They like nobody and nobody likes them. And they think a long march will take them to the doors of a wonderland where there will be no infidels and no flying bombs.” “Do you mean, it’s a game of playing with the destiny of a confused people?” I looked at him. “In reality we are a confused people and the most confused among us find them fit to rule the country,” Mr. Right said. “That’s why they believe that the only purpose of being in power is to complete the five-year term.” “But the irony is that if they complete the five-year term, they would consider it a feat and expect their voters to elect them for another five years of utter confusion,” I laughed. “For the ruling party, democracy is a form of government 90
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which is by a confused people, of a confused people, and for a confused people,” Mr. Right said. “They never mind if the line between right and wrong is so blurred that they are unable to differentiate between a lawmaker and a law-breaker,” I said. “Who knows the future planners who are less confused might propose to build the city’s largest prison next to parliament,” Mr. Right grinned.
Khaleej Times May 27, 2012 91
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Passing the poverty buck Government requires a constant supply of paper to print currency notes
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R. RIGHT is currently trying to set up a factory in the country. “A paper factory, in fact,” he told me. “I admire your patriotic feeling to invest in the country’s industrial sector which is facing a downturn due to shortages of gas and electricity, but why do you want to start a paper mill?” I asked him. “Who needs paper today, newspapers have reduced pages and nobody wants to read any books.” Mr. Right smiled. “A paper factory will be a waste of money if it is meant to make paper for books and journals. I will produce something more useful and important.” “Then you must be making tissue paper,” I guessed. “It’s frequently used everywhere from kitchens to cabinet meetings and from tea houses to toilets.” “I will make paper for the government press,” said Mr. Right. “Don’t you know they require a constant supply of paper these days to print currency notes?” “Not a bad idea,” I said. “But considering the growing weakness of our currency they would have accepted even 92
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tissue paper for printing money.” Mr. Right grinned. “I hope it never happens otherwise many jolly-at-heart people will start keeping currency notes in their washrooms.” “So your paper mill will try to help the government improve the quality of the rupee bill,” I said. “I believe like all other patriotic Pakistanis you stand for a strong currency.” “Strong currency can be ensured by following the right economic policy, carrying out reforms, broad-basing taxes and keeping expenses under control,” Mr. Right said. “But the problem is that nobody has been able to decide who would do all this.” “Yes, we know the ailments afflicting the nation, but nobody is ready to find the cure,” I said. “Those who took over the assignment to find a treatment for the country’s economic ills are themselves fighting for their lives in the emergency ward,” Mr. Right observed. “They are being treated in the democracy hospital,” I said. “But their stay has proved so costly that the country’s debts have shot up to astronomical levels.” “But you must know that the size of both domestic and foreign loans is being estimated to be around $126 billion, including an external debt of $60 billion, is never a cause of worry for our leaders who think they have the guts to find newer sources for more loans,” Mr. Right said. “Although they have now proposed a committee to probe the causes of the increasing loan burden during the past 27 years, they will never hesitate to explore possibilities of new loans to keep the economy afloat,” I said. “It’s like putting a dying patient on ventilator.” “But leaders have a different opinion about loans,” Mr. Right said. “For them the size of a loan indicates the economic strength of the country to repay them.” “Well, they should, however, remember what some sage has once said: Running into debt isn’t so bad. It’s running 93
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into creditors that hurts. And we are being surrounded by our creditors such as IMF, World Bank and others.” “Who cares,” Mr. Right shot back. “Loans are necessary to run the government and make the largest Cabinet sustainable. It’s also a way of helping banks to earn profits. Foreign debts too help the country strengthen its relations with the outside world.” “But the problem is that nothing comes for free. Loans sometimes carry conditions that might clip our wings as a sovereign nation,” I pointed out. “That’s an old concept,” Mr. Right said. “In today’s global world it’s called inter-dependence. It’s like reconciliation, see how the ruling party has followed this policy to keep everybody in tow in its bid to gather more money, by all means, borrowing is only one way.” “But who will scale this mountain of debts or the Mount of Poverty?” I said. “Is the present government willing or even equipped to do it?” “Why should it bother?” Mr. Right said. “This mountain of unpaid debts will be inherited by the next government who will try to earn more money to preserve it as a national heritage for the coming generations. The tradition will continue to be followed by every future government like all its predecessors.”
Khaleej Times July 17, 2012 94
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A love letter for Swiss courts Some times democratic rule and democracy don’t arrive together
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R. RIGHT is keen to help the Pakistan government and the Supreme Court to find a way out to end the controversy over writing a letter to the Swiss court and save the prime minister. “Let’s catch the bull by the horn and draft the required letter to the Swiss judge to remove the continuing tussle between the judiciary and the executive,” Mr. Right said. “So what do you suggest?” I asked. “If they are reluctant to obey the court orders, we will write a letter to the Swiss judge on behalf of the people of Pakistan,” Mr. Right declared. “In fact, I have already prepared a draft.” He took out a paper from his pocket and spread it on the table. The letter read like this: “A petition from the people of Pakistan to the Honourable Swiss Court about the graft case against our beloved President.” “Your Honour, we, the people of Pakistan, humbly request you to have another look at the above case against our most popular, wise and democratically elected leader who is grudgingly 95
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dubbed ‘Sixty-Million-Dollar Man’ by his rivals who are jealous of his business acumen. You might remember that the case was shelved after a letter in this regard was hastily sent to you by the previous government that was known for taking all its decisions in utter haste. “We will, however, feel highly obliged if Your Honour decide to revisit the case for the greater good of the people of Pakistan who will be immensely relieved to find the country’s judiciary, the government and the opposition in a position to address some other more pressing problems. “Actually, we think that by doing this, Your Honour will strengthen our democracy and provide a new lease of life to our incumbent prime minister who is helplessly trying to dodge the guillotine of contempt of court that was so ruthlessly used against his predecessor. “Those who are mad at him for not following the court orders must know that the prime minister while taking the oath of his office had declared, ‘I, do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of the prime minister, and will, to the best of my president’s ability preserve, protect and defend him and will never ever write a letter to anybody during my term of office. I will even refrain from sending a love letter to my sweetheart or wife, as the case may be.’ “We, therefore, feel that the prime minister could not be blamed for all this mess and should be forgiven for even other actions of the government such as the passing of some stupid laws that are meant to clip the wings of judges and curb media. “We earnestly hope that Your Honour’s timely reactivation of the case will prevent the government from taking many other bizarre measures to halt 96
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moves to write a letter. It might suspend foreign postal service and issue a decree to close the academy of letters mistaking it as an agency for promoting letter writing. “Your Honour, since the country has already lost billions of dollars due to the present government’s mismanagement and ‘save-money-for-yourself’ drive, we are ready to surrender our claim on the $60 million deposits allegedly lodged by our beloved leader in Swiss banks. This will be an incentive for him to return abroad after completing his mission at home. “Concluding, we would like to appreciate the great patience showed by the Swiss court while waiting for this historic letter, which should have been sent by the democratic government soon after its takeover. “Unfortunately, some times democratic governments and democracy don’t arrive together. Good news is that an impartial judge has been appointed as the new election commissioner who has promised free and fair elections. We hope that our next government will comprise leaders who will keep their money in local banks. Therefore, please consider it our first and last letter to Your Honour. “Thanking you, and seeking justice, “Helpless people of Pakistan” “Bravo, this is great,” I looked at Mr. Right admiringly. “But how would you send it?” Mr. Right looked around, folded the letter and slipped it into his pocket. “It’s a love letter and must be kept a secret.”
Khaleej Times July 31, 2012 97
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Watching the watchdogs A code of conduct for Pakistan’s media
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R. RIGHT is currently burning the midnight oil to draft a code of conduct for his neighbours. “You must have been inspired by the on-going campaign by our media people to hammer out a code of conduct?” I asked him. “It shows how keen they are to promote moral behaviour.” “Indeed,” Mr. Right replied. “They want their competitors to follow the code of conduct in letter and spirit. In the same manner, I want my neighbours to prove their civility.” “But why neighbours?” I quizzed him. “Because very recently I read an Arab proverb that says lying and stealing are next door neighbours,” Mr. Right said. “So what do you want them to do? I think you don’t want them to do things which people don’t like?” “I don’t want them to do things which I would like to do,” Mr. Right grinned. “Various media groups are trying to set morality guidelines for others.” “You seem to have some misunderstanding about their effort,” I said. “Otherwise, the code of conduct proposed by media organisations is meant to ensure better ethical standards.” 98
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“I wish it works,” Mr. Right said. “Otherwise I have no choice but to agree with an American sage who says that there’s hole in moral O-zone and it’s getting bigger.” “But I have no doubt about it after reading the code of conduct proposed by one media group and another by an official agency that most TV channels will start classes in good etiquette and politeness for their anchors and honourable guests very soon,” I said. Mr. Right’s face lit up. “If this is the case, I would like to offer my services for free coaching in good manners.” “I hope media moguls will try to benefit from your generous offer,” I said. “But the area which needs immediate attention is revision of the programme menu at TV channels. I am sorry to say that a lot of time is being wasted on news bulletins. The Breaking News slots about thefts of cows and goats in far flung areas are enough to satisfy the people’s lust for latest news.” Mr. Right agreed. “Reports about thefts, big or small, are always welcome because these make us realise that there is at least one sector of economy which is showing increased activity.” “But one should ensure that morality standards are not compromised,” I cautioned. “This may be done by including a clause in the code of conduct that in keeping with the tradition of cooking shows, participants should come smartly dressed and must praise each other’s clothes, hairdo and looks,” Mr. Right suggested. “Another important point for inclusion in the code of conduct should be about reporting of law and order situation,” I pointed out. “Oh, yes,” Mr. Right said. “In fact, there is no need to discuss law and order in TV shows, because the whole country knows that every law is now in court for want of clarification and rulers are free to play with orders.” “The proposed code of conduct might bring some 99
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discipline in production and presentation of TV shows, but I hope this does not make them bland and boring,” I said. “Participants will stop abusing each other and retired airline hostesses will grace the show with their ugly presence in place of vivacious Veena Maliks and Miras.” “I don’t expect this to happen as channel owners are wise enough to wait for the implementation of the code by others first,” Mr. Right commented. “And if suppose they agree to do it?” I asked. “Then, the power supply company will come to the rescue of the TV buffs by switching off electricity as usual,” Mr. Right remarked.
Khaleej Times August 16, 2012 100
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When everyone cries wolf All and Sundry in Pakistan are sending distress signals
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OLVES are stalking Pakistan, if you go by the number of SOS calls received by the emergency help line in Karachi last year, Mr. Right said referring to a news report. “But it says that 90 per cent of these calls made by the ‘people in distress’ were fake,” I told him. “Never mind, the phenomenon reveals the national trend,” Mr. Right said. “Everybody loves to cry wolf at the drop of a hat.” “I agree — all the people, including politicians, scholars, judges and journalists are fond of issuing warnings about the impending disasters,” I pointed out. “In fact, they are more efficient than the official agencies which are supposed to forecast the approaching storms and tremors.” “They are prophets of doom who see no silver lining in the black clouds on the country’s economic or political horizon,” Mr. Right stressed. “For them, the country is facing great dangers.” “And for this very reason, I wish to salute our people, who continue to lead their lives normally ignoring these warnings of impending disasters,” I said. 101
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“The most common warning of doom these days comes from the lovers of law and fair play who say that judiciary will be destroyed if the head of the government does not prove his competence in letter writing,” Mr. Right said. “And the rival camp that hosts champions of democracy, argues that it’s a ploy to derail democracy. They are eager to launch a ‘Save Democracy’ campaign,” I observed. “Their slogan is ‘Democracy is in Danger,’ but I think that only the government is in danger,” Mr. Right remarked. “Apart from judiciary lovers, NRO-bashers and advocates of family-run ‘pocket democracy’, there are some ‘political sharpshooters’ who believe that no democracy can work until tables are turned on opportunists and monopolists of powers,” I said. “Are you referring to the cricketer-turned politician and his team?” Mr. Right asked. “He is fond of throwing ferocious bouncers at all his opponents. He promises to harness a tsunami in elections to sweep all enemies of the country.” “Yes. Raising the slogan that ‘the country is in danger’, he argues that corrupt politicians are playing in the hands of their foreign masters,” I said. “Another theory of impending disaster is frequently launched by religious scholars who say that ‘Islam is in danger’, Mr. Right said. “And they are determined to safeguard it by all means.” “There is no dearth of people who are supporting their noble cause throughout Pakistan,” I said. “But as a consequence of this, the voters’ lists in all provinces will need a careful scrutiny before elections as a large number of names will be found missing because of death.” “The voters’ lists should also be revised to remove names of members of the minority communities who have left the country,” Mr. Right suggested. “Why should only the names of the minority community 102
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members be removed from the voters’ lists?” I asked. “A much bigger number of the majority community members have also left the country for greener pastures in recent years.” “Nobody should worry about the voters’ list now, because a most impartial and honest person has been appointed as the head of the election commission.” He will take care of these issues,” Mr. Right tried to pacify me. “That’s good,” I said. “I am happy that at least the voters’ list is not in danger now.” “Don’t be afraid,” Mr. Right said. “In a country where prophets of dooms say that everything — including judiciary, democracy, religion and even the existence of the country itself — is in danger, most of the people think that nothing is in danger except inept leadership and dishonest politicians.” “I know. Too many wolves are stalking the country at present but I hope time will change everything,” I said. “Even the people, who should become discerning and judicious, because only then we can expect them to elect good leaders,” Mr. Right concluded.
Khaleej Times August 28, 2012 103
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Free ride on a love train The love train is gathering dust at a station called Oblivion
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HOUGH PAKISTAN Railways don’t like many trains to leave stations these days because of shortage of locomotives, the Love Train from Sindh found a sturdy engine in Ayaz Latif Palejo to take it to north of country. “Love works wonders even with trains,” Mr. Right said. “The railway officials must learn a lesson from this incident,” I said. “Even they can run the trains if they start loving their jobs.” “Palejo’s train took his party workers on a ‘love safari’ across the country,” Mr. Right said. “It was a free ride for many who had never seen Islamabad.” “The idea was to spread the ‘Love Sindh’ message,” I pointed out. “I beg to differ,” Mr. Right said. “Their message is: Hate the rulers, if you love Sindh.” “It’s because the recent local government ordinance passed by the ruling coalition is seen by their rivals as a ploy to divide the province,” I said. “They think their love train will unite the people.” “If trains can unite the people then we need many more 104
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such trains,” Mr. Right said. “Separate safari trains can be launched through out the country. These may be called ‘Love Punjab’, ‘Love South Punjab’, ‘Love KP’ and ‘Love Balochistan’ trains.” “In that case, I would love to travel by a train which has a lot of passengers,” I said. “Love Sindh train seems to be a good option, if all passengers, both urban and rural, are given equal opportunity to eat, sleep and be merry.” “These opportunities will be offered to you on all trains,” Mr. Right said. “Love Sindh train will, however, take you to fertile lands of Punjab and the beautiful mountain country in the north.” “But I don’t want to leave my home in south,” I said. “I love my village, my home and my farm.” “Then better travel by ‘Love KP’ train because passengers in this train love to settle only in south,” Mr. Right said. “Love Sindh train then must extend free ride to passengers from upcountry to settle in south because it will strengthen the bonds of brotherly love between the people of north and south,” I suggested. “It’s a noble idea indeed,” Mr. Right agreed. “We should also move the remaining Quetta people by ‘Love Balochistan’ train to other provinces before all of them are eliminated by those who consider the ‘love-thy-neighbour’ principle unIslamic, unpatriotic and undemocratic.” “Pakistan will turn into a great train country, with so many trains criss-crossing plains and rivers to cultivate brotherly love and friendship among the people of the country,” I said. Mr. Right grinned. “The main beneficiary of this massive railway network will be Pakistan Railways, which will be able to boast so many train services without spending a paisa on its expansion from its own budget. These ‘love trains’ will be sponsored by political parties for their workers.” 105
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“But I am afraid that so many love trains might confuse the people and they start hating each other,” I said. “The ideal train for them will be Love Pakistan Express.” Mr. Right smiled. “Love Pakistan Express was launched decades ago by Quaid-e-Azam Muhammad Ali Jinnah. But it is now gathering dust at a station called Oblivion and can’t move because there is no guard, no locomotive and no travellers.” Well, we can find a new guard and a locomotive with some effort, but what happened to its travellers?” I asked. “The travellers alighted from the train, looking for ticketcheckers who came from time to time during their journey and asked them to change their tickets,” Mr. Right said. “Why did they want them to change their tickets?” “Because they told them that they were on a wrong train,” Mr. Right sighed. “The irony is that the travellers of Love Pakistan Express are unable to identify their train even today.”
Khaleej Times September 11, 2012 106
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The ‘sheepish’ debate It’s ironic that all the butchers want to save the sheep
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EOPLE ARE worried that they may face a shortage of sheep during the festival of sacrifice this year as a large number of them are awaiting death sentence because of serious illness. “If the court agrees to their culling, the butchers will be out of job on the big day,” Mr. Right said. “The court intervention was necessary,” I said. “Sheep dumped by a foreign cattle ship in Pakistan are sick and most people want them killed.” “Only the owner of the sick sheep and the butchers at large share a common cause to save the infected sheep for a better and much dignified death on the day of sacrifice,” Mr. Right smiled. “The have launched a ‘Save the Sheep’ campaign.” “The dying sheep caught the attention of municipal authorities who ordered their culling to protect the healthy ones,” I said. “Sick sheep posed a threat to everybody.” “True, when sheep become sick, a deadly mouth-and-foot disease strikes them,” Mr. Right stressed. “And you know how this disease spreads germs and how much the sick enjoys the dance of death. Who can forget the death dance performed 107
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by sick peacocks in the Thar desert recently?” “Are you talking about the peacocks or the dying sheep?” I asked. “I am talking of all sick creatures, including the sheep,” Mr. Right explained. “They open their mouths to breathe venom and spell death and destruction for the others. The disease is deadly, no doubt.” “The municipal authorities had started culling the infected sheep,” I pointed out. “But the court stopped it for the time being on the appeal of the owner…” “And the butchers who say only they have the right to slaughter a sheep, healthy or unhealthy,” Mr. Right completed the sentence. “Yes, because their knives know no discrimination,” I agreed. “For the butchers, every sheep, sick, dead or alive, is valuable,” Mr. Right said. “Healthy sheep is revered as a sacrificial animal, but even a sick sheep is precious. Its meat can be sent to other countries as the owner has indicated.” “Even a dead sheep might be a delicacy in some far-flung area,” I said, “Sheep is always a sheep. It doesn’t turn into a demon after death.” “Certainly,” Mr. Right smiled. “This is why the butchers are happy over the court’s order.” “Nobody wants to see Pakistan turning into a ‘sheep less’ country, since we have to support the butchers too,” I said. “In that way, the court’s move will help maintain a balance between the sheep and the butchers in society,” Mr. Right said. “Only butchers will live if no sheep are left in the country.” “The population of sheep is continuously on a decline and we must take measures to protect them,” I said. “Sheep serve a purpose, and a noble one indeed.” Mr. Right said with a sarcastic smile: “Sheep are meant to be sacrificed. How can we become good Muslims without 108
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slaying them? Their shortage might stir trouble for the government.” “That’s why we all must pray for their good health and try to increase their number to keep all the butchers busy during the festival of sacrifice,” I said. “The festival of sacrifice is a never-ending ritual for the butchers and sheep are slaughtered all year round.” Spreading a newspaper, carrying screaming headlines about riots, bomb blasts and target killings, on my table, Mr. Right lamented, “Sheep live to die to make the butchers happy.”
Khaleej Times September 28, 2012 109
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Praying for sanity The Taleban are not alone in making life difficult
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AKISTANIS NEVER forget to pray when they need Allah’s help to win a T-20 cricket match or get CNG from the nearby gas station, Mr. Right said. “They live to pray only, but they don’t know how to pray and what to pray for?” “We people don’t remember how to pray, the poet Faiz Ahmad Faiz had rightly pointed out,” I reminded him. “We should be thankful to the Taleban for the current season of prayers that started in the country with the attack on the Swati girl Malala,” Mr. Right said. “Now the whole nation is praying for her life.” “Yes,” I said. “Men, women and children are praising the little angel’s courage. Special prayer congregations are held in mosques, schools, offices and many public places, and rallies, processions and candle light vigils are organised everywhere. Everybody wants the brave girl to live on.” “Prayers become good only if practical steps are also taken to reform society,” Mr. Right pointed out. “A false prayer is like a ‘still born child’. We pray from the mouth not from our heart.” 110
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I agreed. “Prayers have lost their effect because these are only meant to divert attention from inefficiency of the government. The event only reflects how badly the government has failed to keep the tormentors of society at bay.” Mr. Right grinned. “Since they do nothing, they pray. The founder of the nation had asked the people to work, work and work for prosperity, but the current rulers want the people only to pray, pray and pray for everything.” “In that case, the government should now merge the ministry of religious affairs with the ministry of interior to form a new ministry of prayers to protect the lives and property of the people,” I suggested. “The prayer ministry should rename all parade grounds in cities as prayer grounds,” Mr. Right proposed. “The people should be motivated to observe special prayer days and hold prayer meetings to pray for everything—unity among the people, honesty in leaders and sincerity in workers.” “A part of these prayer grounds should be reserved for candle light vigil,” I said. “Our youths like to make their prayers a bit romantic.” “But mixed gatherings at these sites could incite the Taleban to declare these events unIslamic,” Mr. Right warned. “The Taleban are not alone in making life difficult for common Muslims,” I said. “Once the prayer culture spreads, all religious parties and sects will start forcing the people to follow their own prayer style.” “But I am afraid, despite all our prayers and good intentions, brain eating bacteria is fast spreading in our environment,” I said. “The result is confusion,” Mr. Right said. “Everybody prays for selfish motives. The leader wants more power for him to control the official machinery and more wisdom for judges to remain friendly with men in authority.” 111
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“Traders want maximum profits without paying minimum taxes,” I said. “Students pray to attain the wealth of knowledge but finally fall for methods to collect real wealth. All prayers are false.” “The Taleban, therefore, don’t believe in divine help to change them,” Mr. Right said. “They are like that little boy who used to pray every night: Lord, if you can’t make me a better boy, don’t worry about it. I am having a good time, anyway”.
Khaleej Times October 18, 2012 112
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Save your skin There are butchers who can discover a rhino under a bull’s cover!
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ID AL ADHA reminds you every year that everybody in town is trying to deprive you of your skin. It’s the Butchers’ Day, no doubt. They are out to show their skinning skill and you need to have the wit to find the right kind of ‘skin specialist’ who can make it totally painless. Mr. Right looked a bit disturbed. “What happened?” I asked. “I know the butchers are fond of playing ‘hide-and-seek’ with people on the first day of Eid. They not only charge a hefty fee for slaughtering the animal but also seek the hide as compensation for missing another appointment that could have fetched them more money. I hope your butcher did not keep you waiting.” “Not at all,” Mr. Right said. “He came on time and finished his job quickly like a true professional.” “Then why do you look disturbed?” I said. “Did he ask you to donate your skin to the butchers’ welfare fund?” “No, I was so happy with his work that I myself offered it to him but he refused to accept it,” Mr. Right explained. “He was afraid that hide snatchers would not let him reach home.” 113
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“The best way to keep hide snatchers away is to call volunteers of a hide-seeking organisation at home to collect the skin,” I suggested. “Well, I am ready to do it. That’s why I have brought here all the leaflets, handbills and posters sent to me by various groups,” Mr. Right opened his briefcase and dumped the content on the table. The headline splashed on the first poster screamed: Exchange your skin with a free ticket to heaven. Your donation will help ‘Welfare of the Blind’ to support the people suffering from increasing blindness in society. Mr. Right said, “It simply asks you to donate your skin blindly.” A handbill appealed to the people to donate hides and skins to the party of peace. “This is a party that is always at war with the groups promising to bring more peace to your city,” I pointed out. “Donate your skin to the party of peace and be prepared to surrender peace for ever.” Mr. Right sifted leaflets and showed an announcement offering free slaughter services in return for the hide of a camel, 50 per cent discount in charges for slaughter of a cow and 25 per cent discount in the fee for slaughtering a goat or a sheep. “A great offer indeed,” he commented. “It promises efficiency of the butchers and ensures that the animals’ skins will not be damaged.” “It’s good news for animal owners because sometimes they are left with a goat’s skin after slaughtering a cow, thanks to an amateur butcher’s skinning skill,” I said. “Skinning is a great skill, indeed,” Mr. Right said. “There are butchers who can discover a rhino under a bull’s cover, and a wolf under a sheepskin.” “Let us have some of these butchers in our election commission to weed out rhinos, elephants and wolves from the existing lot of popular leaders,” I laughed. 114
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Mr. Right showed some other posters and handbills carrying requests for donating skins to organisations promoting various causes. One of the organisations was helping old people to get a new set of teeth and another was offering them hearing aid. “I would like to donate my skin to the welfare society that promises to offer hearing aid to the people,” Mr. Right said. “This service should be extended to everybody. Nobody is ready to listen to anybody. The rulers, leaders, lawmakers and the people at large — all of them need hearing devices to listen to others as expected from citizens in a democratic society.” “Pardon me, instead of donating I would like to save my goatskin for the coming generations,” I said. “They would treasure it to tell their children that their grandpa was so rich that he used to sacrifice a whole goat on Eid Al Adha.” “Save your own skin too,” Mr. Right taunted. “People are fast turning into wild animals and nobody knows how many of us would be able to retain human skin in the future”.
Khaleej Times November 1, 2012 115
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When superheroes collide Utter mayhem will ensue the clash of the country’s bigwigs
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ON’T SLEEP, if you want to keep nightmares away. This is a sincere piece of advice from Mr. Right who has not slept for seven days. “But how can one go on without sleeping?” I asked him astonishingly. “Why don’t you see a doctor?” “I went to a doctor but he said he was also having the same problem,” Mr. Right said. “He is also spending sleepless nights because whenever he tries to close his eyes he gets the same nightmare that has been tormenting me for several weeks.” “And what’s that nightmare?” I asked him. “It’s a nightmare about a fight between giants,” Mr. Right said. “They are Superman, Spiderman and Batman. Everybody of them wants clear superiority over others.” “What are you talking about?” I interrupted him. “Don’t tell me you are reading comics these days!” “These superheroes are powerful enough to turn the real world into a comic world,” Mr. Right explained. “Superman is strongest and his strength is beyond measure. He can fly 116
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faster than the bullet and scuttle and scatter any structure like a house of cards. He has warned that nobody should ever try to undermine his authority.” “But who is challenging his authority? What made him to react so wildly?” I quizzed Mr. Right. “Well, everybody in ‘Gotham City’ knows it’s Batman, the world’s greatest detective and crime fighter who has sworn revenge on villains,” Mr. Right revealed. “He is determined to bring to book every wrong-doer—the Joker, the Scarecrow, The Penguin. You know who are they and how badly they have weakened the roots of the country.” “But if he’s only trying to punish villains, criminals and turncoats, why is Superman so upset by his actions?” “Superman thinks Batman is trying to bridle him too,” Mr. Right smiled. “And that is true to some extent. Even Spiderman is unhappy over Batman’s efforts to reduce his powers.” “He might not like his powers to be curbed, but Spiderman must be praying for Superman to stay in his Krypton,” I pointed out. “I agree,” Mr. Right said. “Spiderman wants Batman to advise Superman to live in Krypton forever because that will be good both for him and for the country.” “But Superman will never like this advice as always,” I continued. “Yes, he roared the other day that nobody has the ‘monopoly’ to decide what is right or wrong for the country, ” Mr. Right pointed out. “Bravo,” I hailed his courage. “Would it be possible now for Batman to ignore this challenge?” “Not at all,” Mr. Right said. “Batman reminded Superman that only he stood as the chief protector of the country’s laws and he would do everything to expose any conspiracies against the country. Spiderman must have liked his outburst against Superman.” 117
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“I love Spiderman, who has the ability to cling to power and shoot spider-webs to catch rivals and make them his coalition partners,” I praised him. “Spiderman is shrewd enough to deal with his opponents, but unfortunately he has not been able make friends with other super heroes,” Mr. Right observed. “Although he continues to remind them that none of them could match his powers, his warnings fail to impress others.” “I am afraid the clash of the Titans in the comic world might spell a disaster for all of us,” I said. “When giants fight grass is trampled under their feet.” “That’s why I don’t want to go to sleep and land in the midst of a horrible nightmare again,” Mr. Right said. “The most terrible thing about any dream is that it comes true sometimes.” “Better we skip sleep and wake up all others around us to prepare ourselves for a better tomorrow,” I suggested. “Better tomorrow or better super heroes?” Mr. Right asked. I had no answer.
Khaleej Times November 13, 2012 118
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Guns’ n’ books Will the killers ever barter away their weapons for books?
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RDU POETS and writers from many countries gathered at Karachi last week to show their determination to go on singing in the dark times even if the songs are about the darkness itself. “German poet Brecht was quoted by Indian scholar Dr. Shamim Hanafi to lift the spirits of the audience at the opening ceremony of the fifth annual international Urdu conference hosted by the Arts Council of Pakistan Karachi. Don’t you find it an apt reference to the present times?” Mr. Right asked me. “The conference expressed the resolve of the men of letters not to be cowed down by the forces of intolerance and extremism,” I agreed. “Ahmad Shah, the president of the Arts Council set the tone of defiance by challenging the forces of evil and declaring that despite their onslaught “we are not yet completely dead,” Mr. Right observed. “The past week was a testimony to it. Karachi hosted two remarkable events — a book fair at the Expo Centre and a writers’ moot at the Arts Council,” I said. 119
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“But we did not forget those who are no more with us,” I continued. “The literary event turned out to be an occasion to mourn the dead — deceased writers and forgotten values of tolerance and moderation.” Mr. Right smiled. “Discussion on Manto, Miraji and marshes of oblivion and intolerance dominated the proceedings depicting the society’s eagerness to explore the new identity of the nation.” “But don’t you think that by reviving the brave fiction writer Saadat Hasan Manto, who is known for his crusade against social ills, and the innovator Miraji, who stood against clichés and blazed a new trail in poetry, we are actually trying to resurrect the spirit of revolt in society and literary thinking,” I asked. “In fact, Hanafi praised the lurking spirit of resistance in our writings.” “We are unable to decide what to do, the fact is that we have even failed to find a clearly recognisable identity,” Mr. Right pointed out. “We are a confused people who are facing unanswerable questions about our identity since Independence.” “We are a nation haunted by Kalabagh Dam. It’s a symbol of our indecisive nature, according to Intizar Husain, the doyen of fiction writers,” I said. “We have a Kalabagh Dam in every sphere of activity,” Mr. Right retorted. “We are never sure what is good or bad for us, money or morality, books or guns?” “That’s right,” I said. “Even our media does not know what is better for society. Experts believe they have opted for the money.” “I was happy that the conference kept the Karachiites very busy for four days talking about writers, books and more books,” Mr. Right grinned. “They witnessed a deluge of speeches, poetry readings, book launches and group discussions.” “But how sad it was that while some people were talking 120
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about books in one part of the city, many others used guns to get rid of those who had nothing to do with either books or guns in other parts of the city,” I lamented. “Why can’t we snatch guns from their hands and give them books?” “Books are expensive,” Mr. Right reminded me. “In a city where guns are dirt cheap and human bodies can be collected in gunny bags, a small book packet costs a lot of money.” “Only writers and their publishers can change the situation,” I said. “And for this we need more Mantos and Mirajis to spread enlightenment and love of books.” “Yes, we need a new generation of Mantos, Mirajis and Habib Jalibs to take literature to the people,” Mr. Right remarked. “Hanafi is right in saying that a book is best company when one is alone, but we have to find a way to persuade killers in town to barter away their guns with books.” “Perhaps we need another conference to convince them,” I looked at Mr. Right “What do you say?” “Let me finish my book,” he sat on the chair and opened his book.
Khaleej Times December 13, 2012 121
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Mayhem in the zoo Politicians ironically prefer to be called animal names
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OOS NEED renovation every five years and I am fully convinced that new animals should be added to it to attract the people. “Time has now come to take stock and find new attractions for our zoo,” Mr. Right said handing me the picture of a polar bear. “What are you talking about?” I looked at him with astonishment. “How can we spare time to find ways to improve the affairs of our zoo when soon we are going to find new faces for our assemblies?” “Well, it’s more important to have a good zoo in our city,” Mr. Right retorted. “Assemblies don’t make the people happy. These are good only for political parties. The zoos bring cheer for all men, women and children. Let’s devote ourselves to their betterment.” “But there can be no democracy without the assemblies,” I argued. “And the people cannot share power. Elections provide them the right to rule.” “The irony is that they share power but have to fight for their rightful share in electricity and gas,” Mr. Right said. “Have you ever seen such long queues outside a zoo that we 122
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now see outside a gas station?” “I agree that the life is difficult under democracy and even buying ordinary bread has become a challenge, but it doesn’t mean animals should be preferred over our leaders.” I stressed. “On the contrary, our dear leaders prefer animals over themselves,” Mr. Right pointed out. “They love to be called a lion, a leopard or a deer. Our assemblies are always full of these fake animals. A zoo houses the real ones.” “Do you mean, people love animals more than their leaders?” I smiled. “It’s a common observation,” Mr. Right said. “They are found feeding monkeys in the zoo at their own free will, but go near their leaders only when they are forcibly taken to public meetings by party workers.” “But can you tell me what this polar bear is doing here?” I asked him about the photo. “It’s the great snow white polar bear, a gift from Canada,” Mr. Right grinned. “It can be a valuable addition to our zoo.” “Ah, now I know,” I exclaimed. “You are referring to the Great Shaikhul Islam who has just made his debut appearance at the marathon Minaar-e-Pakistan show in Lahore the other day.” “I greatly admire him,” Mr. Right said. “Sporting a glistening white Mufti cap, the Shaikhul Islam impressed the mammoth audience with his eloquence and sent shock waves through the spines of all political leaders.” “Is he going to make any impact on the current political scene and the country’s future?” I asked Mr. Right. “That I don’t know,” Mr. Right replied. “I can only say that he was as ambiguous and directionless as any leader in this country can be. He listed the ailments afflicting the Pakistani society but the remedy suggested by him was as impractical and ineffective as the reforms promised by all other leaders in the past.” 123
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“It means he will have no positive impact on the country’s politics,” I said. “What is his use then?” “Let’s accept him as a valuable addition to our political zoo,” Mr. Right remarked. “A polar bear is welcome if he is strong enough to bear the heat of our bizarre politics.” “The question is whether he will be accepted by other inmates of the zoo?” I quizzed him. “Once a man went to the local zoo and asked the zoo-keeper for a job,” Mr. Right said. “The zoo-keeper asked him to dress as a gorilla and occupy the place beside a lion’s cage. The gorilla used to dance and play tricks to attract the zoo visitors and would draw big crowds. One day, while leaping from one swing to another the gorilla lost his balance and fell in the lion’s cage. He was frightened and started screaming, Help, Help. Suddenly the lion came near him and whispered in his ears: “Shut up, you idiot! Do you want both of us fired.” I laughed. “You mean somebody may also ask the polar bear to shut up?” “It depends what the zoo-keeper has in his mind,” Mr. Right concluded.
Khaleej Times December 27, 2012 124
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The proof lies in the pudding It was quite meaningful to make eating the focal point of the meeting, which was meant to consider good governance
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HE PROOF of pudding is in the eating as the proverb goes. And it was proved beyond any doubt by Pakistan Prime Minister Yousuf Raza Gilani who visited the MQM headquarters in Karachi, last week to insist that the PPP’s best product still is the coalition pudding. Isn’t it true? I asked Mr. Right. “Pudding or no pudding, leaders of both parties had a lavish lunch and ate everything that has a strong binding effect,” Mr. Right grinned. “The delicious gum-like paya was especially ordered from Karachi’s best food market for Prime Minister Gilani and the finest sticky chicken Haleem was brought to tickle the taste buds of Interior Minister Rehman Malik.” “The midday feast provided a sense of relief to both parties,” I said. “The PPP was able to repair the dwindling strength of the treasury benches by winning back estranged allies, and the MQM proved the point that it knows how to 125
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remain in demand.” “Nawaz Sharif and other PML-N leaders felt a bitter taste in the mouth after the PPP guests were treated to an unusually warm reception at Nine Zero,” Mr. Right observed. “They took the display of exclusive culinary delights at the reconciliatory lunch as an ‘indigestible’ interpretation of Altaf Bhai’s impending revolution.” “It was quite meaningful to make eating the focal point of the meeting which was meant to consider the future responsibilities of the government,” I pointed out. “The PPP is under pressure to remove corruption and reduce prices of food.” “It is easy to guess,” Mr. Right said. “Corruption is the biggest culprit. Termites have to be stopped at every level if you don’t want them to continue ‘eating’ into the country’s foundation.” “But how it can be stopped?” I asked. “By telling them to eat the best food but stop taking bribes, kickbacks and illegal funds, the MQM has asked its partners to take a firm stand in this regard,” Mr. Right said. “The MQM and even the other opposition parties have also demanded good governance and improved food supply,” I said. “The people think that Bhutto’s party which had promised Roti, Kapra and Makan (food, clothing and shelter) will not like to see them eating grass due to poverty.” “That’s why it is always advisable to have a few rich people in the party,” Mr. Right remarked. “I know a business tycoon who was very helpful. Once he was driving past a residential area when he saw a humble man eating grass by the roadside. “He told his chauffer to stop and asked the man why he was eating grass?” “Because, Sir, we don’t have the money to buy food,” he replied. “Then come with me,” the rich man offered. 126
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“But, Sir, I have a wife and six children.” “Never mind,” he said. “Bring them too.” “The poor family climbed gratefully into the rich man’s limo.” “Sir, you are so kind. How can I ever thank you for taking all of us with you, offering us a new home?” “In fact, the grass at my home is four feet high and no lawn mower can cut it,” the rich man said. “But the opposition parties, including the PML-N want the rulers to stop taking revenge from the poor of Pakistan,” I said. “Nawaz has even given an ultimatum.” “But the party remains unnerved either by the tantrums of its unhappy friends or the ultimatums of sworn enemies,” Mr. Right pointed out. “Its only concern is promotion of democracy.” “Maybe because democracy ensures open opportunities to progress and earn a good fortune,” I said. “I hope opportunities are open to everybody.” “That I don’t know. I do, however, know that another steaming bowl of democracy has been served to us. And the proof of pudding is in the…,” Mr. Right smiled and did not complete his sentence.
Khaleej Times January 13, 2011 127
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A do-it-yourself kit for reforms We have .a tradition of importing only prime ministers from abroad and not a revolution
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OME PEOPLE in Pakistan think that a revolution is heading for their country via Tunisia and Egypt, Mr. Right said switching off a TV channel showing a heated debate on the subject. “I can only call it day-dreaming. No courier companies offer services to deliver revolutions in gift parcels. Revolutions come on foot, when millions join the march.” “And the millions in our country are not in a mood at present to start courting a revolution because it can be more devastating,” I said. “The Pakistani people cannot afford any more chaos.” “But my friend, there are many people who think it is the best recipe for reshaping the future of the country and removing. dead wood,” Mr. Right stressed. “During a general election some time ago, somebody had scribbled graffiti, outside a candidate’s house: ‘Piles are 128
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treated here by the sword.’ The candidate was a Hakim (doctor) by profession and his election symbol was a sword,” Mr. Right said. “During the French Revolution, headaches were cured by beheading,” he laughed. “Revolutions are costly, no doubt,” I said. “But there are people who think that a revolution is like an ice-cream vendor who comes on a tricycle playing beautiful tunes to woo children. A revolution brings in its wake a lot of bloodshed and destruction.” Mr. Right agreed. “That’s why we don’t need it now as the country has already witnessed a lot of bloodshed and economic chaos experienced during a revolution only, thanks to corrupt and incompetent leaders.” “Bigwigs in the ruling party say that the revolution call by certain quarters is unnecessary and untimely because the PPP is yet to complete five years in office whereas in Egypt, President Hosni Mubarak has been in power for 25 years,” I pointed out. “I really admire, the people of Egypt, for showing so much patience,” Mr. Right commented. “We Pakistanis are impatient by nature and don’t let even our dictators to complete more than 10 years.” “But the actions of the PML-N suggest that it is not interested in power at least before the PPP’s five-year term ends,” I pointed out. “In fact, Nawaz Sharif is helping the PPP in everyway to remain entrenched in power,” Mr. Right observed. “Though his 10-point recipe for better governance will be hated by the ministers who will be axed during the pruning of the cabinet, it will make the prime minister happy for being able to show some guts. “Is it a sign of a revolution lurking around the corner? Don’t you think the events of Tunisia, Egypt and Yemen might trigger a tremor in the Pakistani politics too?” “Well, we have a tradition of importing only 129
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prime ministers from abroad and not a revolution,” Mr. Right said. “But if some people are really interested in change, they must use a Do-It-Yourself Kit to have their own revolution.” “What do you mean by 'own revolution'? I asked. “It's a revolution which comes from within,” Mr. Right remarked. “The Pakistani people will see it coming when jaywalkers on the road will start using zebra crossings, a traffic policeman will stop accepting a bribe to let go a motorist who is guilty of jumping a red signal and power thieves will voluntarily surrender illegal connections.”
Khaleej Times February 7, 2011 130
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Witnesses wanted! The lawyers don’t like the witnesses to speak the whole truth all the time
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ITH THE courts of law currently trying to play a more active role in dispensation of justice in Pakistan, the demand for witnesses, who can tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, is on the rise lately, Mr. Right said flashing a meaningful smile. “If this is true a large number of people, who don’t like quick disposal of cases, will be disappointed,” I said. “No self-respecting lawyer would ever allow this to happen. Witnesses are puppets in the lawyers’ hands.” Mr. Right said, “A judge, who saw a witness in distress during the cross examination by a lawyer, asked him, “What’s the matter, you look disturbed?” “Well, your honour,” the witness replied, “I swore to tell nothing but the truth, but every time when I try, the lawyer raises an objection?” “That’s a fact. The lawyers don’t like the witnesses to speak the whole truth all the time,” he observed. “But times have changed now as the apex court itself is now encouraging witnesses to come forward and help 131
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the court find the ultimate truth.” “Are you referring to the Supreme Court’s recent advert in the newspapers asking the people to record their witnesses about the alleged breaches in canal embankments during the floods?” I asked. “Yes,” Mr. Right said. “Witnesses are welcome not only to tell where embankments were breached but also point out the names of those involved in the crime.” “This certainly underlines the importance of witnesses and the exemplary trust placed in them by the country’s apex court,” I agreed. “I hope this will encourage the people to voluntarily come forward and offer honest accounts in cases of target killings, political corruption and terrorist acts which have been closed for want of witnesses,” Mr. Right said. “It’s time to form a forum to support and encourage the people to testify in cases where nobody earlier dared to speak the truth. This will help society purge undesirable elements,” I suggested. “A pop singer these days is spearheading a campaign launched by a telecom company to encourage the people to speak up against corruption,” Mr. Right pointed out. “Oh yes,” I said. “It’s a protest campaign against silence and wants the people to raise their voices against wrongdoings and corruption.” “The new confidence given to witnesses by the apex court initiative will help them speak up against injustices,” Mr. Right said. “We can launch a Voluntary Organisation of Witnesses (VOW), a pop movement to restore the dignity of witnesses.” “This is a great idea indeed,” I said. “We can set up its branches in various districts and towns to collect witnesses against ‘black sheep’ of society and demand action against them by the courts.” “VOW might help to solve the mystery of BB’s murder and find convincing proofs of corruption against those involved in NRO cases,” Mr. Right said.“It may also 132
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encourage the man in the street to become a witness to help the court send a bribe-taking traffic cop behind the bars and bring a trigger-happy motor cyclist to book for shooting a passerby,” I said. “The best service VOW may provide to society is to create a dread of witnesses in the hearts of criminals,” Mr. Right said. “Because they think that they can never be punished, for nobody will ever dare to speak against them in the court.” “You are right, Sir,” I said.“I have a diary which has a record of scores of incidents in which I had seen policemen, motorists and public dealing staff in various public and private organisations doing things which were forbidden by the law, but I could not do anything except remaining quiet.” “Be happy now,” Mr. Right patted my shoulder, “The time has come to make your presence felt as a witness and overturn the tables on wrong-doers.” “VOW, it sounds great,” I said. “Yes, but now the ball lies in the court,” Mr. Right grinned. “I mean the real court. The judiciary has to come up to the people’s expectations.”
Khaleej Times March 8, 2011 133
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Need to impose protest tax There is no dearth of ‘free-lancers’ too who find every Friday suitable to vent their anger against one institution or the other
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T A TAHRIR Square protest rally in Egypt recently, which continued for many days, a protester implored Hosni Mubarak to urgently make up his mind to quit because he was badly missing his wife, Mr. Right said. “This shows how the protest rallies drive a wedge between lovers.” “But in Pakistan protest rallies are being held so frequently these days that one is inclined to believe that these are staged at the behest of the government intentionally to curb the country’s birth rate,” I said. “I don’t think this is the case,” Mr. Right disagreed. “The government is least bothered about such things. Strikes have become the easiest way of showing street power by our political and religious parties.” “Strikes, Pahhiya Jams (transport strikes), shutter-downs (closure of shops), and protest rallies have now become a 134
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national pastime of ours, and daydreamers see them as a sign of impending revolution,” I pointed out. “Protestors include all people — factory workers, teachers, civil servants, transporters, doctors and nurses. Some of them have genuine grievances to be addressed by the authorities concerned, but there is no dearth of ‘free-lancers’ too who find every Friday or any other day suitable enough to give vent to their anger against one institution or the other,” Mr. Right observed. “In Sindh, the ruling party staged protest rallies through out the province recently to express its disapproval of a court verdict rejecting the appointment of its favourite former judge as chief of the country’s accountability bureau,” I said. “Thus even the court verdicts may cause trouble these days. The court decision about the acquittal of the American spy Raymond Davis also sparked countrywide protests” “And no political groups lagged behind in taking part in these protest rallies in order to get a bit of leverage,” Mr. Right said. “Even some religious parties, which hitherto had been interested only in protecting the blasphemy law, climbed the anti-Davis bandwagon too to gain a foothold on the country’s political platform.” “Of course, they get importance for being able to create law and order situation,” he replied. “They even get material benefit. Imran Khan, the Tehrik-i-Insaf chief, has been accused of taking away two police helmets with him during an anti-government demo in Islamabad.” He laughed. “At least two of his party workers will now be well protected when police decides to baton-charge his rally next time.” “I met a fruit vendor in the street who said he was going to form a Protest Society in protest against strikes and market closures because these disrupt businesses and deprive the daily wage workers of their modest earning,” Mr. Right said. “But it would be like setting up an anti-corruption bureau to keep an eye on the existing anti-corruption department,” I 135
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said. “What will be the difference between them and others if they also plan to hold protest rallies leading to the closure of shops, offices and schools.” “No, the Protest Society has no plans to hold any protest rallies and stage strikes to enable the police to have a field day,” Mr. Right explained. “It will take the political party or religious group to the court after every strike to demand compensation for the losses occurred during the strike to individuals and business groups.” “Then call it an Anti-Protest Society and ask its officebearers to make sure that every organiser of a protest rally takes a no objection certificate from the society after giving a hefty security deposit, which will be used for paying compensation to the people who suffer any monetary losses during the rally.” “This is a brilliant idea indeed,” Mr. Right agreed. “But I am afraid the country’s cash-strapped government might take it over and make it a wing of the federal board of revenue to collect protest tax.”
Khaleej Times March 22, 2011 136
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Of cricket passion and parrots In Pakistan’s case, parrots and players both were non-performers
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REDICTIONS about Pakistan’s win at the Cricket World Cup by parrots and cricket pundits were as off the mark as the speedster Umar Gul’s so-called lethal yorkers against Sehwag in the semi final, Mr. Right said in his first comments on the mega event. “It’s the performance which wins matches, not the parrots,” I said. “Look at the Indians, how well they played to cage the Lankan lions at Mumbai.” “In Pakistan’s case, parrots and players both were non-performers,” Mr. Right said. “And Captain Shahid Afridi is right in asking the non-performing members of the team to go on a holiday.” “I am happy that the nation has been gracious enough to accept the team’s over all good work in the tournament, and a decision about the weak links have been left to the management of the cricket board, but I strongly oppose the efforts by certain quarters to promote a culture of parrots, fortune-tellers and soothsayers.” Mr. Right agreed. “It’s ridiculous that a sport which demands sheer devotion and skill to earn distinction by the 137
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player is being turned into a game of guess work and a spiritual exercise. Players must understand that they can win matches only through their skill and not through divine intervention. Not everybody can be rescued like the footballer Maradona by the ‘hand of God’. A cricketer must learn to hold catches himself.” “That is true, but the people like to pray for their players to do well in the match by showing better concentration and control over the game,” I said. “Still their prayers go unheeded sometimes,” Mr. Right commented. “The reason is we are now depending too much on the predictions of parrots and media magicians who stoke up passions.” “The outcome of the world cup revived the spectators’ faith in good and honest cricket and the event will be remembered for unequivocally pronouncing the prowess of the Asian teams in the game,” I pointed out. “The Pakistani players despite their defeat in the semifinal earned respect of everybody and returned home with their heads held high for being able to break the ice between their country and India and creating a renewed feeling of friendship,” Mr. Right said. “Afridi came out of this gruelling competition as a more mature and successful captain.” “He had vowed to take his team to the semi-finals which he did in style,” I said. “His another wish that the great Tendulkar should not complete his century of centuries moved the champion batsman so deeply that he tried to use every opportunity in that match to get himself out despite the Pakistani fielders’ reluctance to cooperate with him. The feelings of amity were reciprocal.” “I’m sad for him for not reaching another landmark,” Mr. Right said. “This must have come as a disappointment to his fans all over the world, but all big players have their share of disappointments too along with their achievements.” “The tournament will not be easily forgotten by the Pakistani fast bowlers, Umar Gul and Shoaib Akhtar, for 138
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being rattled by Virender Sehwag and Ross Taylor in their matches against India and New Zealand,” I said. “On the other hand, the exploits of Wahab Riaz, Saeed Ajmal and Mohammed Hafiz will serve as beacons for the newcomers,” Mr. Right observed. “But a lot of people, including some former players and the so-called experts are still shedding tears over the spilt milk,” I lamented. “I think the most disappointed people after the tournament must be those belonging to Shiv Sena,” Mr. Right remarked. “They must be mad at Misbahul Haq for not allowing Pakistan to reach Mumbai for the finals and see their antics.”
Khaleej Times April 5, 2011 139
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Season for saying sorry With so many grand palaces and fat bank accounts overseas, one should expect a huge rush of repentant personalities
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NSPIRED by the Muslim League-Nawaz leader Javed Hashmi’s recent speech in parliament asking some leaders to apologise for their past misdeeds, Mr. Right has sent an appeal to the ruling party to set up a National Apology Commission in Pakistan. “The commission should facilitate apology by all those who have betrayed the trust of the people in one way or the other,” he said. “But the commission will be flooded with work if all wrong-doers, cheats and tricksters in the country decide to seek the nation’s forgiveness for their big and small crimes,” I pointed out. “The commission should seek the help of volunteers among the citizens to receive apologies from erring persons,” Mr. Right suggested. “Small apology centres on the lines of confession booths can also be set up in different areas to collect the declarations of sin.” 140
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“I take my hat off to Mr. Hashmi for admitting his mistake and seeking the people’s forgiveness for becoming a minister in the military dictator Gen Zia-ul-Haq’s regime,” I said. “Do you think the other political bigwigs have the courage to express their repentance for going astray?” “Never mind if they fail to muster courage now, we will force them to repent later because Mr. Hashmi’s ‘Seek an apology’ campaign has the potential to spread countrywide like wildfire, ” Mr. Right said. “How can you say that with certainty?” I asked. “By tradition, no criminals and outlaws in our country ever accept their guilt as they know that the prosecution is fully trained to prove them not guilty.” “Once an apology commission starts working in the country I hope more and more people will come forward regretting their past actions,” Mr. Right said. “With so many grand palaces, big businesses and fat bank accounts overseas in the name of some of our beloved leaders, one should expect a huge rush of repentant personalities offering their apologies to the nation.” “This may need an efficient system to classify the apologies according to the nature of the crime,” I said. “I have designed a letter of apology which may serve as a common application in all cases,” Mr. Right said. He showed a neatly typed letter. Addressed to the people of Pakistan, it went like this: “Dear poor people of Pakistan, I hereby acknowledge my most deplorable conduct in the past. I am ashamed of my selfish motives and sincerely regret my actions, which were aimed at making you most poor from very poor. I seek your forgiveness for the actions listed below and I assure you that I will never resort to such unethical practices in the future.” The list included scores of unlawful acts. One of which was accumulation of wealth through misuse of 141
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power. “It gives an impression as if the country has been robbed by the corrupt politicians only,” I said. “What about the men in uniform and those responsible for running the government machinery, the bureaucracy. A big block of the government secretariat should be converted into the secretariat of the apology commission.” “I agree,” Mr. Right smiled. “The remaining cases of apology seekers are mentioned overleaf.” I turned the page and saw a longer checklist of “I am sorry for” actions which included some very interesting entries. One of these read: I am sorry for dozing off while batting in the cricket world cup. Some more references went like this: I am sorry for submitting a fake degree to the election commission, I am sorry for causing a bank failure by not retuning loans, I am sorry for leaving a pair of scissors inside the stomach of a patient during surgery, I am sorry for hitting an anchor with a glass of water in a TV talk show. One more entry said: I am sorry for snatching a mobile phone from a pedestrian at gunpoint. “Perhaps this refers to those involved in street crimes. Will they also be ashamed?” “They should be,” Mr. Right said. “The fact is if we take the season of apology seriously, we all will realise that everybody of us has breached a law and social etiquette at one time or the other. So let’s be honest and offer apology to one other without hesitation.”
Khaleej Times May 2, 2011 142
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None of our business... with their numbers increasing, martyrs might demand a separate province for themselves
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HE PAKISTANIS are a peaceful people and they don’t like war, but unfortunately they are forced to fight a war which in no way can be called theirs, Mr. Right told a newspaper reporter who was keen to hear his views on the continuing destruction as a result of attacks on military targets. “So you don’t agree with the people who believe that this useless war can be stopped only by taking the ‘war bull’ by the horns?” I asked him reading his statement in the newspaper. “I mean they think anybody who picks up a gun against a fellow citizen deserves to be paid back in the same coin.” “No I agree with soothsayers and saints like Imran Khan, Maulana Fazlur Rahman and leaders of Jamaat-i-Islami who say if you stop fighting with your own people in tribal areas you will definitely attain nirvana,” Mr. Right observed. “Don’t tell me that these saints can look into the future because they are the most pious people,” I said. “They think 143
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all the destruction and bloodshed in the country is because of the continuing drone attacks in the tribal areas. Isn’t it ridiculous?” “I support them because they call the drones, the Abbottabad fiasco and the PNS Mehran disaster attacks on Pakistan’s sovereignty,” Mr. Right elaborated. “But I look at it from another angle,” I said. “These incidents highlight the need for giving our defence a new look. A friend of mine told me that his son wanted to join the Army but after the Abbottabad incident he said he loved the seas.” “He must have joined the Navy then?” Mr. Right asked. “No,” I said. “After the Karachi attack, he said he would better go fishing.” “This is too bad,” Mr. Right remarked. “Our defence forces are one of the best in the world with the nuclear edge serving as the icing on the cake. There should be no cause of disappointment about our ‘war machines’.” “They are not disappointed with the machines,” I said. “They are worried about the men behind the machines.” “That is also not true,” Mr. Right explained. “You must realise that the same people have won battles for us in Swat and other areas. They all are good people and are ready to sacrifice precious lives in the times of need.” “There are no two views about that,” I agreed. “But I only want the saints to clarify if it’s not our war why our people are dying?” “Who says our people are dying?” Mr. Right asked. “Then who are those being killed in suicide bomb blasts in mosques, shrines, market places and offices?” I shot a question. “They are not dying, they are becoming martyrs,” Mr. Right said. “And how fortunate are those mortals who attain immortality this way.” “But the problem is that the number of martyrs is 144
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increasing so rapidly in the country that they might demand a separate province for themselves,” I said. “I am not at all offended by this joke because I know that the so-called liberal democrats like you will never understand the significance of martyrdom,” Mr. Right said. “President Obama has a much better understanding of this phenomenon that’s why he preferred a watery grave for Osama Bin Laden to deny his followers an opportunity to turn his grave into the shrine of a living saint.” “The Americans are facing a demand to quit now leaving the responsibility of bringing peace to the area to the parties concerned,” Mr. Right said. “This might stop the war on terror in tribal areas but not the killings in the Pakistani cities which have been the handiwork of the associates of Al Qaeda and the Taleban who have a sectarian agenda,” I reminded him. “But our political saints think any effort to curb religious extremism is uncalled for. It is a war that will never be theirs,” Mr. Right added.
Khaleej Times May 31, 2011 145
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Obeying to disobey We can plan clubs for disobedient pupils, motorists and cricket players
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N ‘OBEDIENT WIVES’ CLUB has been launched in Malaysia to ensure happy family life, Mr. Right said showing a newspaper clipping. “The charter of the club says it would educate wives to obey their husbands and entertain them besides taking care of their food and clothing. Don’t you think we also need to have such a club?” he asked. “I don’t agree with you, Sir?” I replied. “As wives in our country are meant to obey and make their fussy husbands happy at any cost to save themselves from burning in hell, we don’t need such a club. We actually need clubs to bring together disobedient guys who are in plenty.” “You have a point, friend,” Mr. Right said. “Disobedience now is considered a virtue that is synonymous with courage. Students don’t obey their teachers and workers don’t respect their employers.” “We can plan clubs for disobedient pupils, disobedient motorists, disobedient civil servants, disobedient political 146
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workers and disobedient cricket players like Shahid Afridi,” I suggested. “These clubs could go a long way in making their views public and promoting reforms in the country’s laws to acknowledge disobedience a national service,” Mr. Right observed. “That would be fine because as a result of these reforms even government parties would be able to take part in protest rallies and sit-ins along with the workers of the opposition parties,” I said. “This is already happening,” Mr. Right pointed out. “But the existing laws make it illegal that’s why these should be changed.” “Sure, these should be changed respecting the feelings of the people,” I said. “Nobody was above the law when it was made, but now no law is above anybody. This is the beauty of democracy, as they say.” “The apex court of the country, considered the custodian of the law, is showing great wisdom to tolerate every move by the government to disobey its orders,” Mr. Right commented. “This is only to strengthen democracy in the country and promote the spirit of disobedience.” The only person to uphold the sanctity of the country’s laws and remove the traces of disobedience by the government is the honourable prime minister who has time and again assured the nation that all decisions of the apex court will be implemented. But the opposition leaders, including Nawaz Sharif , are not ready to listen to him,” I said. “They say he is heading a disobedient government.” “Nawaz Sharif wants the government to be replaced by an obedient outfit,” Mr. Right observed. “But he belongs to the orthodox school that believes in having an obedient president and an obedient army chief too, if possible. But that is asking for the moon at present.” 147
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“He had succeeded in having an obedient president during his tenure as a prime minister, but Musharraf turned out to be a nightmare for him as the army chief,” I said. “That’s the reason he wants the men in uniform to shun the ‘holy cow’ image now,” Mr. Right observed. “He wants them to obey the law.” “In that case we should have an Obedient Khaki Club in order to inculcate obedience of rulers in the army jawans,” I proposed. “That’s great,” Mr. Right remarked. “But you cannot do away with a disobedient president so easily. First the matter is subjudice, and secondly; the president does not like to disobey anybody, he only likes everybody to obey him.”
Khaleej Times June 14, 2011 148
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Commissioning a commission Pakistan will soon be Asia’s leading manufacturer of commissions, as it has plenty of unsolved mysteries
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ML-N PATRIARCH Nawaz Sharif has once again rejected the Abbottabad Commission to checkmate the PPP government’s move to take credit for it after its nominated judge was endorsed as its head by the country’s chief justice, Mr. Right said. “And I praise him for this.” “Why, do you also think like Nawaz Sharif that the government should have consulted you before selecting its members?” I asked. “No, I am totally against these ad hoc commissions,” Mr. Right explained. “I want the government to set up a permanent commission to nominate investigative panels for all types of misadventures.” “I agree, ordinary committees and commissions are generally seen heading for abortion, thanks to vested interest,” I said. “They fail to deliver.” “And even if they deliver, the child is stillborn,” Mr. Right grinned. “In Hamoodur Rehman Commission’s case, the child was 149
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kidnapped soon after it was born.” “What is your suggestion for making these commissions useful and productive?” I asked. “They should work under nobody and complete their findings independently without any fear or favour,” Mr. Right said. “They should not include any member nominated by the government or the opposition. The government is always hesitant about setting up commissions and the opposition usually finds it ‘unnecessary’.” “Then how the commission will be formed?” I looked at him. “Through balloting,” Mr. Right said. “A panel proposed by the Inquiry Commission will be chosen through public vote with the help of the electronic media.” “A good idea, indeed,” I said. “This will induct honest and trusted members in the probe body and produce any required number of commissions without any delay.” “And there will be no need to consult anybody about the members, because politicians and other influential groups and even ordinary people try to make it controversial to stress their importance,” Mr. Right said. “They find any excuse to disagree with the nomination of one member or the other.” “A barber in my area has criticised the appointment of a member in the Abbattobad Commission because he didn’t like his haircut,” I said. “The proposed scheme will remove unnecessary impediments in the formation of new commissions,” Mr. Right observed. “My only fear is that with its implementation, the country will soon be known as Asia’s leading manufacturer of commissions as we have plenty of unsolved mysteries to be tackled by these entities,” he said. “Never mind, at a time when power shortages have played havoc with our manufacturing sector, the emergence of commission factories will augur well for the future,” I laughed. “The commission industry under the supervision of the 150
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Federal Inquiry Commission will prosper as new commissions could be formed to find out answers to many strange questions. One can be set up to unravel the mystery why power load-shedding is done only for 22 hours when it can be extended to 24 hours,” Mr. Right said. “This shows the increasing inefficiency of the power company.” “Another commission could be set up to sift through the speeches of our two top most leaders and discover two words which might boost the morale of the people,” I said. “Both of them call each other a ‘prophet of doom’,” Mr. Right pointed out. “A commission could be set up to choose the right owner of the title.” “More commissions could be formed to find out why petrol pumps in the country were distributing petrol perfume instead of petrol, why people these days are only eating ‘Paan’ instead of ‘Naan’ and why they are staging sit-ins in front of press clubs and parliaments?” I said. “One reason might be that the weather is much better outside as houses are hot and without fans, but the commission has to find out the other more serious cause which drives the people out of their homes,” Mr. Right said. “Since the appointment of the members of these commissions will be through popular vote, there is no risk of political pressure,” I said. “Only trusted people such as retired technocrats, teachers and judges will be eligible for the nomination.” “I hope you mean ‘retired’ not ‘tired’ people as members,” Mr. Right said. “Our system is suffering because too many ‘tired’ people are heading our institutions today.”
Khaleej Times June 28, 2011 151
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Aspiring for a ‘Clean Party’ A refresher course in honesty and decency for all politicians is a must for turning them into trustworthy leaders
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HE LOVERS of democracy in Pakistan are thrilled at the news that some senior leaders are planning to wash the dirty linen of politics by launching a party of ‘clean people’ soon, Mr. Right said. This augurs well for the soap industry as its demand will increase manifold. “Only soap is not going to help in this case, they need some acid too to scrub stains of corruption from their faces,” I pointed out. “Don’t be so cruel,” Mr. Right said. “The party of the clean politicians will admit only those persons who have a clean past and a sparkling conscience.” “I think you don’t remember the words of a sage that a clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory,” I said. “And we have seen a lot of people who are suffering from this disorder.” 152
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“But the convener of the party, Jehangir Khan Tareen is determined to rope in only champions of clean politics who are not in the good books of our corrupt leadership,” Mr. Right explained. “Many of them are former ministers, serving legislators and members who have been sidelined by their parties for one thing or the other.” “So what will be the name of the new party,” I asked. “Is it going to be called the Clean People’s Party or the Clean Pakistan Muslim League.” “The leaders of the proposed party think it is impossible to clean the two big parties which are dirtier than the Lyari and Lai ,” Mr. Right said. “The new entity will provide an alternative to these parties in the next general elections.” “The idea is not bad at all as the nation is suffering from the shortage of quality leaders apart from shortages of fuel and power,” I said. “But the question is who is going to be accepted by the new party?” “The ‘electables’ in the words of Mr. Tareen,” Mr. Right said.” These are the people who have the potential to win the polls on their own.” “That means some of our great friends like Mr. Zabardasti of the PPP also stand an excellent chance of entry into the clean party. The politician has displayed his remarkable potential for re-election although he was earlier disqualified by the country’s apex court as an MNA because of a fake degree. Don’t you think the ‘electabilty’ criterion could leave the party’s door ajar for some ‘not-so-clean’ leaders.” “You have a point,” Mr. Right argued. “But you must realise that only honesty and integrity of character are not enough to win an election. Otherwise, the PPP would become the Pious People’s Party and the PML would be called the Pro-Merit League, but you know how pious are our politicians and how much they show respect for merit in society.” “But the Clean Party can promote these values by making 153
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them part of its election manifesto,” I said. “Their slogan should be: We will promote honest politics and decent democracy.” “A fine advice indeed,” Mr. Right agreed. “But a refresher course in honesty and decency for all politicians is a must for turning them into trustworthy leaders. A politician without a conscience is worthless. He can win an election but not the hearts of the people.” “I know,” I said. “He is utterly dishonest, but the bad thing is that he insists on being the most honest.” “The Clean Party could change all this,” Mr. Right said. “It might also change the public perception of politicians.” “During an election, a candidate was visiting a village seeking the villagers’ support,” he said. “The politician saw a young boy milking a cow outside his cottage. “He went to him, introduced himself and told him about the polls. Suddenly the boy’s father called from inside; ‘Son, get inside. And who is that guy you are talking to?’ “The boy replied, “The guy says he is a politician.” The father said, “In that case, better bring the cow inside with you.” “The Clean Party will succeed only when the people start trusting the politicians and don’t mind leaving their cows with them,” Mr. Right stressed.
Khaleej Times July 25, 2011 154
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Of politicians and pizza For politicians, creating new provinces is like cutting a pizza into pieces
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ANY PAKISTANIS now want a bigger country because they think administrative talent of a host of political wizards is going waste because of non-availability of suitable posts, Mr. Right said spreading a newspaper on the table. “Well, up to now, we have been good at devising ways to make our country smaller,” I said. “And there is no evidence to suggest that we are capable of adding even an inch of land to our territory by any means. The only way to make our country look big is to adhere to the golden principles of Unity, Faith and Discipline as enunciated by its founder.” “They say they can make the country bigger by dividing it into more provinces,” Mr. Right explained. “The idea has attracted many stalwarts of provincial autonomy and grassroots democracy who say small size provinces will improve governance and make the administrative machinery efficient.” “I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the size of the 155
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provinces,” I pointed out. “It’s the second-hand administrative machinery which is causing trouble. Let’s replace its worn-out parts.” “Sorry, we have stopped talking about new machines, power plants, planes and railway engines, because this shows our lust for commissions and kick-backs,” Mr. Right said. “But by suggesting to remove the worn-out parts of the administrative machinery, I mean to kick out those ‘dead horses’ who are unable to pull the country’s political cart,” I clarified. “It’s not the machine; it’s the man behind the machine that counts.” “This is most alarming because when the politicians agree on something the country is divided,” I said. “The call for new provinces is not new as once it was proposed to have 17 such units but the proposal was shot down by the government. Now we hear that not only the ruling party but many opposition groups too are inclined to accept the proposal.” “For politicians, creating new provinces is like cutting a pizza into pieces,” Mr. Right remarked. “One can have as many pieces as one likes.” “But the problem here is that the politicians are still undecided about the number of provinces they wanted to have in the country,” I said. “They are confused and divided over the actual number.” “This is because if they agree to three new provinces in Punjab and a new province in Khyber Pakhtunkhwa, the people of Sindh and Baluchistan might not like it. Everybody now wants the chief minister of the province from his own area,” Mr. Right said. “But all the people supporting the creation of new provinces must also realise that the public treasury can hardly bear expenses of a new army of provincial governors, legislators and ministers,” I said. “I don’t agree with you,” Mr. Right said. “This new corps of provincial administrators can strengthen our defence 156
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forces, if trained properly. One should not worry about financial burden too as we have a very efficient state bank which has the capacity to print new currency notes with an amazing speed. The bank can even set up a new paper mill to meet the shortage of paper, if any.” “There was a time when the whole of today’s Pakistan was served by only one governor and a small cabinet when it was known as West Pakistan, I don’t know why the same area now requires such a big number of administrators? I said. “The current rulers who have the knack for ‘crisis management’ might help the opposition to keep the number of proposed provinces realistic.” “Very appropriate,” Mr. Right said. “A blonde ordered a pizza at a pizza outlet and the booking clerk asked if she wanted six or 12 pieces. She replied, Six please, I could never eat 12 pieces. The rulers must try to keep the number of the new provinces as small as possible, for obvious reasons, of course.”
Khaleej Times August 9, 2011 157
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When prizes become surprises People are worried that prestigious national awards will be devalued like currency
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HEN PRIZES spring surprises one can only suspect the malfunctioning of the system meant for granting awards for outstanding work in different fields. “The list of top honours announced on Pakistan’s Independence Day this year contained the names of all important ministers which prompted the Opposition leader, Chaudhry Nisar Ali, to call it a bunderbant (monkey-grab) but I don’t agree with his observation,” Mr. Right commented on the report. “It means you agree with the award committee to generously grant these top national awards to a large number of government functionaries,” I asked. “Yes, my dear,” Mr. Right said, “the decision must have been taken in the larger national interest to provide the cabinet members an incentive to improve their performance.” “But these awards are given for meritorious services by the recipients in various fields,” I pointed out. “I know that was the criterion for awards in the days of 158
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army dictatorship,” Mr. Right said. “But democratic governments are not supposed to follow the principles of business set during the undemocratic rule.” “The people in general are worried that these prestigious national awards will be devalued like our currency if proper checks are not maintained in the selection of winners,” I said. “Indiscretion might make a mockery of the selection process.” “I, however, admire the competent authority’s discretion for leaving the rest of the cabinet undecorated,” Mr. Right said. “You are ready to condone this large-scale perversion of the system although you stand for fair play and merit,” I taunted Mr. Right. “Who am I to stop a party chief to honour his loyal workers?” Mr. Right said. “As the party chief, Asif Zardari has every right to keep his colleagues well-fed and happy. The only problem is that most of the time he likes to behave as the head of his party and forgets that he is president of the country, too.” “It means that by nominating most of his trusted PPP friends for awards, he has done nothing wrong as the party chief?” I asked. “I don’t agree that his nominations were wrong,” Mr. Right explained. “Each and every member of his party deserves a Hilal, Sitarah or a Tamgha for his ‘feat’. But I feel that the area of activity in which each award-winner has excelled should have been clearly defined.” “What do you mean?” I asked. “I know the person who should be awarded a Nishan-i-Imtiaz , the order of excellence, in corruption,” he said. “Likewise there are others who should be decorated with the crescents, stars and medals for failing to maintain law and order in the country, making life unbearable for the people through frequent load-shedding of fuel and power, and 159
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misbehaving with their critics in TV talk shows. But the current list of the award-winners fails to mention the details about their specific achievements.” “Anyway this must be the most decorated cabinet in the history of the country with this surfeit of awards, thanks to the generosity of the big chief,” I said. “Although all awards and prizes, including the Noble Prize, have sparked criticism and controversies at one time or the other, nobody ever refused to accept them, even President Obama didn’t do it although he knew it well that he got the award ‘for not being Bush’” Mr. Right said. “It is not the award-winner but the general public which refuses to accept the controversial nature of the awards,” I said. “To make them more reliable and relevant, the award committee could amend the existing system.” “That’s a sensible suggestion,” Mr. Right said. “The ‘Excellent Performance’ awards meant for artistes and writers should also be given to the people involved in maintaining law and order, such as the police, rangers and para-military personnel for shooting unarmed civilians.” “Some military awards given to defence personnel for bravery and valour should be conferred on those ministers and party workers who continue to remain entrenched in their posts despite disastrous performance and bad reputation,” I said. “And you too deserve an award for at least commenting on a system under which some people get an award for doing nothing,” Mr. Right remarked.
Khaleej Times August 24, 2011 160
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Cow and bulls of politics Zardari is skilled enough to deal with all the cows and bulls. There are no holy cows or bulls in his party
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HE PPP HAS invented its own WikiLeaks in the shape of Dr. Zulfikar Mirza who is currently on a whirlwind tour of interior Sindh to disclose the true facts about the killings in Karachi and the conspiracies hatched by the ‘enemies of Pakistan’. “The only problem is that he has to keep his head covered with the Holy Quran all the time to make the people believe what he is saying,” Mr. Right said. “I think he carried the Quran to his public meetings as a mark of respect to the holy month of Ramadan,” I said. “Mirza is a devout Muslim and is against killings, but he is a fire-eater who loves to kill his opponents verbally.” “Mirza feels target killings in Karachi could be stopped by ‘people of honour’ who had been issued 300,000 arms licences,” Mr. Right pointed out. “These licences had not been issued for celebratory firing in marriages,” he told a rally in Lyari.” 161
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“It’s an apt remedy, indeed, suggested by the former interior minister as a large population of gun-totting youths will die in ‘tit-for-tat’ shooting and peace will return to Karachi finally,” I remarked. “Mirza identified his enemies too who included a governor, two federal ministers and a whole political party,” Mr. Right said. “The former minister lamented that the present government failed to eliminate them by administering the medicines prescribed by him. Mirza said he would have turned the province into a paradise because he thought, he was an ‘80 per cent chief minister’ but unfortunately the man with the remaining 20 per cent powers did not help him.” “Of all the revelations attributed to Mirza, this one is the most astounding,” I said. “I have heard about the people with divided personalities but I never thought there could also be a 20 per cent prime minister or a 30 per cent chief justice.” “Everything is possible in our country,” Mr. Right said. “Many people say that we have a head of state who is 50 per cent president and 50 per cent chairman of his political party.” “This is true for our prime minister too,” he observed. “But nobody is actually able to find out how much percentage of power he commands as the prime minister. Some say he is only 50 per cent prime minister and many others think he might not have even that much of power.” “Don’t you think, Mirza’s current campaign to win over anti-MQM vote in the interior Sindh is aimed at claiming a 100 per cent chief minister’s berth in any future arrangement?” I asked. “It is very much possible, because despite expressing his hatred for ministers who are clearly favourites of Mr. Zardari, he is all praise for him and his son Bilawal,” Mr. Right said. “Mirza’s solo flight in Sindh’s wilderness of turbulent politics is not purposeless and might have the blessings of the party bigwigs clandestinely.” 162
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“He has even admitted in a statement that “he did nothing without permission from President Asif Zardari,” I referred to a news report. “I am not sure if Mr. President will ever refute this statement,” Mr. Right said. “And what do you say about Mirza’s claim that Home Minister Rehman Malik was helping the MQM in its efforts to break the country?” I asked. “Who would believe this cock-and-bull story,” Mr. Right said. “Mirza is a bully by temperament and the party bosses use his services to upset the apple cart of his opponents and sometimes even of their allies as the time demands.” “But I am afraid, the bully might turn into a bull in the China shop for the ruling party,” I said. “It will never happen,” Mr. Right said. “Mr. Zardari is skilled enough to deal with all the cows and bulls. There are no holy cows or bulls in his party.” “He has the ability to tame wild animals that’s why he is heading such a large gathering of heterogeneous ‘political livestock’ in the best spirit of reconciliation,” I said. “A great government indeed.” “A great horse and cattle show!” Mr. Right quipped.
Khaleej Times September 5, 2011 163
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Let’s learn Chinese Temperamental husbands could fight with their wives in Chinese without fear of retaliation
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UR YOUNGSTERS will soon start writing love letters in Chinese because all boys and girls in university and schools will be able to learn the language under a Sindh government plan, Mr. Right said. “Why Chinese?” I asked. “Is it the language that is going to rule the world now, that’s what the government thinks?” “Perhaps educationists feel it is necessary to make it part of the curriculum as our local languages have failed to bring the people together and promote feelings of love and brotherhood.” “Chinese is a sweet language that’s why it is called ‘cheeni’ (sugar) in Urdu,” I said. “But we should give a serious thought to all its merits and demerits before introducing it as a new subject in colleges and schools as we are fully capable of making a mess of every good concept.” “They think it is an excellent idea as it will wean the people away from the languages which are used only to create hatred and spread enmity among them,” Mr. Right pointed 164
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out. “By learning Chinese we can also further strengthen friendly ties with the people of China and will move closer to them.” “But before that we must think whether it can heal the wounds of ill-will inflicted on society by the speakers of local languages through their tongue-lashing,” I stressed. “Nobody should blame the languages,” Mr. Right argued. “It’s they who make the language their weapon to stir trouble. As a matter of fact, I would suggest that they should be forced to learn Chinese before addressing any public gathering.” “Why?” I asked. “Nobody will be able to understand them,” Mr. Right grinned. “It’s a brilliant suggestion,” I said. “Let’s ask the government to enroll all these ‘trouble-makers’ in Chinese courses. And they should be told to address their party workers, media people, and the general public in Chinese only. This will definitely bring peace to conflict-ridden areas in Karachi and elsewhere.” “But for the sake of maintaining friendship with our great neighbour, I would not like any preachers to learn Chinese,” Mr. Right said. “Because preachers might be used as ‘drones’ for attacking foreign territories.” “It means the Chinese language project should be implemented with utmost care as it may have both positive and negative sides,” I said. “The advantages of learning Chinese are more no doubt,” Mr. Right said. “Instead of always preferring chicken corn soup, we would be able to place order for some new dishes at Chinese restaurants. And temperamental husbands could fight with their wives in Chinese without fear of retaliation. The learning of the language would surely open new opportunities for everybody.” “I am sure those learning Chinese would get jobs in China at least as their expertise in local languages is not enough for recruitment in domestic market,” I 165
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pointed out. “But if you learn Chinese you will surely get a job as a teacher in local schools,” Mr. Right said. “The Chinese language project is also aimed at creating vacancies for the country’s jobless people.” “I am, however, worried for some of our great orators such as Zulfikar Mirza, Altaf Husain, Rehman Malik, Babar Awan and others who might lose some of their ‘fire power’ while speaking in Chinese,” I said. “Will they still be able to keep their listeners glued to the TV sets?” “Why not?” Mr. Right replied. “The people like to see their acrobatics; the listeners are not bothered about what they actually say. Their utterances are Chinese to them.” “Chinese is the language of a large country and I hope the people who learn it will develop ‘large-heartedness’ and try to rebuild a liberal and tolerant society in Pakistan instead of dividing it into a narrow-minded lingual and ethnic entity,” I said. “Every language is meant to unite and help the people of a country to swim through a tide,” Mr. Right said. “But if it fails to unite them they become helpless in a crisis like the man who knew many languages but could not swim. He could do nothing to cross the swollen river but only cry for help in nine languages.”
Khaleej Times September 19, 2011 166
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Imran and his wicket, wicket ways People need to see a totally different face at the top
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USICIANS and singers are going through a horrifying time these days fearing they might be called to perform at political meetings after the recent concerts staged by Shahbaz Sharif and Imran Khan in Lahore, Mr. Right, who is a great fan of classical raag, said tapping the table. “What is wrong about that?” I said. “People love music. Didn’t you see them swaying their arms and tapping their feet? Songs and popular tunes add a touch of joy to such public gatherings that have nothing to offer to the public except new vocabulary to abuse opponents. Definitely, a political musical is more entertaining than the usual public meetings where speakers only pour scorn and insult on their detractors,” Mr. Right continued. “But the singers and musicians feel that the politicians are turning it into a show of cheap mimicry.” I smiled. “Oh, so you didn’t like the way Shahbaz sang Habib Jalib’s popular verses with great gusto as if these were composed by the deceased poet for his party.” 167
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“The poor poet must be turning in his grave,” Mr. Right remarked. “Jalib faced atrocities all his life for proclaiming the truth and siding with forces fighting with the oppressors of the people. Shabaz has now found a new way of tormenting him after his death. ‘Phata baans’ (a torn bamboo) is trying to mimic the poet who was as melodious as a flute.” “Imran was, however, clever not to test his singing talent like Shahbaz or Altaf Bhai,” I pointed out. “It was a good idea to induct a couple of pop singers for the show as they are good entertainers and crowd-pullers.” But there is a great risk involved in it, Mr. Right commented. “A singer might become more popular than a politician and win the support of the public to become the head of any future government.” That would be fantastic, I exclaimed. “Ministers will be required to play the orchestra.” “That happens even today although the cabinet is not headed by a singer,” Mr. Right said. “Most of the ministers seem to be well-versed in ‘Raag darbari’ (the tune of the court). “I will not mind a singer becoming a prime minister at all,” I said. “He will inculcate love of music in the people and will spend most of his time in Riyaaz (singing exercise) instead of defending his government’s bad decisions.” “The problem is that most of the big names in today’s business of politics are least talented to become a good singer,” Mr. Right lamented. “Imran Khan should start singing himself if he wants to become more popular among youngsters.” “Do you really think politicians could win the support of their voters by turning their public meetings into a carnival and a circus,” I asked. “The ‘Shabaz Circus’, complete with a roaring lion and stilt-walkers, was fully equipped to amuse the people.” The people already know that politicians are no better than stilt-walkers so there was no need to bring them in the show, Mr. Right said. “However, the party was quite successful in convincing the public that its 168
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leaders have a lot of tricks up their sleeves to entertain them.” “It means Imran Khan needs to plan more surprises for his opponents,” I said. “Songs make one popular but don’t help to win seats in parliament. He has to prove to the people that he is different from the others.” “That’s right, people need change,” Mr. Right said. “And they need to see a totally different face at the top because despite all their efforts and gimmickry to look different in attitude and ideology, the both options available to the people are the same. “Still there are die-hard supporters of both the main contenders of power who say their party stands for a different set of principles,” I said. “But if you tell the youth that there is a difference between a fiddle and a violin. They will reply, who cares, neither one is a guitar,” Mr. Right smiled.
Khaleej Times November 8, 2011 169
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Need to elect butchers Butchers unlike politicians make sure that others also have something to eat
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ID AL ADHA comes every year to remind us the importance of the butcher. This year too the occasion was marked by a nationwide hunt for skilled butchers who could complete the job at a minimum cost, Mr. Right smiled. “Experience has shown that it is easier to find the right animal than a proper butcher to make the ritual less painful for the animal and its owner,” I said. “Usually, anybody who has a rusted knife at home is tempted to go on a house-to-house slaughter spree to earn some money.” “This is allowed only in our country,” Mr. Right said. “In more civilised societies, only experienced and well-trained persons who are professional butchers are expected to slaughter an animal. We need to rectify this system.” “I agree, we need good butchers to do the job even if their exorbitant charges make the owners of animals feel as if they themselves have been skinned instead of their animals,” I said. “Butchers should also be trained and registered at a 170
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proper government department,” Mr. Right suggested. “They should not be allowed to practise their trade without proper training like politicians.” “Although the nature of their jobs is the same, but the butchers unlike politicians make sure that others also have something to eat,” I said. “That's why I think they are more people-friendly.” “I believe their skills could be utilised by people in a better way if they are also made part of the great drive for a social revolution currently being promoted by some of our leaders, including the heart-throb of the youth, Imran Khan,” Mr. Right stressed. “What do you mean?” I asked. “Can a butcher become a leader of the people?” “There have been many examples in history and also in world politics,” Mr. Right explained. “But I’m not saying the practice should be replicated in our country, too. I simply want them to have a people-friendly role in society. In any case they are more professional and skilled than the politicians.” “But how can it be done?” I looked at him inquiringly. “By giving them more respect and placing them in positions of authority otherwise they will continue to sneak into other professions promising more money,” Mr. Right said. “But who would do this?” I asked. “Imran Khan is a man of ideas and he could find a way to include them in his grand plan of social change,” Mr. Right elaborated. “He intends to recruit area police officers through elections. Butchers should also be elected to strengthen democracy.” I was thrilled. “A great suggestion indeed,” I said. “Imran Khan is looking for persons who know their job and are ready to work for the betterment of society. Butchers could be elected at the city, district and division levels. The system will create a foolproof arrangement for a reliable supply of skilled 171
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butchers on all religious and national occasions.” “Elected butchers will be more reliable and less expensive,” I said. “They might also develop a cooperative livestock market on the lines of utility stores to provide animals to their voters at reasonable rates. They will certainly keep their voters happy and well-fed.” “And they will keep their constituencies crime-free and peaceful too,” I continued. “If elevated to parliament, they could even force the foul-mouthed members to behave and maintain decorum during the session because they always remain wellequipped.” “Don't tell Imran Khan, otherwise he might decide to elect all the butchers as area police chiefs,” Mr. Right remarked.
Khaleej Times November 22, 2011 172
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Living dangerously Ministers prefer press conferences over addressing issues
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IVING IN PAKISTAN is dangerous, but it is the beauty of democracy as they say, Mr. Right placed a lighted lantern on my table. “But why you are carrying a lantern in day time?” I asked him astonishingly. “Who knows we find ourselves groping in darkness any moment, the sun might eclipse and night falls unexpectedly, our leaders tell us that we are living in an era of great dangers.” “I know, there is lot of turmoil in the mountains and the people in the plains are facing hosts of problems such as lawlessness, rampant corruption and power outages but nobody thought the end was near,” I said. “It means you don’t lend ear to our great men of wisdom who are out to forecast doomsday,” Mr. Right said. “There are calls for action against those who are working against the interests of the country. From political mismanagement to ‘memogate’, a plethora of problems now provide fuel to the opposition’s agitation against increasing dangers.” “But all the hue and cry against increasing dangers seems 173
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only to strengthen the government’s resolve to create more crises as Prime Minister Yousuf Raza Gilani has rightly referred to his party’s skill to weather all storms.” “The fact is that the ruling party loves to live dangerously and is always too happy to heap up risks and dangers in order to prove its invincibility,” Mr. Right commented. “But what do you say about the new allegation levelled on the president by a former colleague and confidant that he posed a danger to our nukes?” “I liked that ‘bombshell’ dropped by the former PPP minister,” Mr. Right smiled. “Although it was an effort meant only to show that Imran Khan’s party has increased its firepower, the revelation will undoubtedly help the ruling party as everybody’s attention will be diverted from the country’s real issues to political humbug.” “It means that by talking about real or imaginary dangers, our political stalwarts basically serve the cause of democracy and try to keep the people fully-prepared to face all eventualities,” I said. “Yes, that’s why I will never trust an opposition leader who cannot point out threats faced by a democracy such as ours and dangers lurking behind every good or bad deed of the ruling party,” Mr. Right stressed. “And I could never understand an action taken by any government to improve the economic condition of the masses, reduce the price of bread and increase power supply if the people are ready to lead a miserable life without asking for any help to better their lot,” I said. “I agree,” Mr. Right said. “Every government must express its inability to improve the country’s condition due to the unmanageable economy left by the previous government and so many dangers to the country’s existence.” “You must be happy that the government is playing its role most wisely,” I said. “It has no time to pay attention to the problems of the people as it is always too busy in warding off attacks on its existence. And its ministers, instead of 174
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addressing problems in their ministries, are found most of the time addressing Press conferences to assure their detractors that nobody was powerful enough to unseat them.” “A weak government that is in perpetual danger of losing power is the best bet for democracy because it keeps the hopes of the opposition alive to take over the reins of power any time,” Mr. Right said. “Lovers of democracy must, therefore, be working overtime to keep our tradition of weak governments alive in the future. New political parties are springing up, but the people have no favourites,” Mr. Right asserted. “The new parties are stressing their role as a troubleshooter. They see many dangers to society,” I said. “The party that wishes to win the election must be able to discover the maximum number of dangers to the existence of the country,” Mr. Right said. “Because it will have to create a few of them after coming to power. That’s the beauty of democracy.”
Khaleej Times December 6, 2011 175
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Does yoga cure ailing minds? Medication is better than meditation if the patient is under stress
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OGA IS THE best way to treat disturbed souls. It may help the Afghan people to find peace, American troops to manage a return flight home and the Pakistani leaders to forget the ‘memogate’ blues, Mr. Right said pointing to a news report. “It may also help men in uniform to stop worrying about ‘memogate’ conspiracy against them. It may also cheer up Veena Malik who is mad at an Indian magazine for carrying her ‘not so nude’ images. In both cases, Press was blamed for exposing too much.,” he said. “But how can yoga help them in overcoming their problems?” I asked. “Well, yoga can enhance Veena Malik’s charms if she learns how much to reveal,” Mr. Right replied. “Likewise, others will also benefit from yoga in many ways. Amandine Roche, a French yoga expert, is currently visiting Kabul to teach Afghan people yoga peace. She has given classes in yoga and meditation to men, women children, policemen and soldiers and former Taleban insurgents.” “Let’s pray for her safety,” I said. “God knows what will happen if the rebels decide to take lessons privately by 176
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capturing her at gunpoint.” “She is a fearless woman who is convinced that yoga teaches techniques of calm and rids human mind of subversive thought,” he continued. “She says yoga can cure ailments afflicting the human mind and soul. Her experiment has been successful in reshaping the thinking of Taleban.” “Really?” I was astonished. “Do you mean they have now turned into living Buddahs and are now seen sitting crosslegged, engrossed in deep meditation in caves and valleys. Where did they dump their guns and rocket-launchers?” “They can gift their arms to brother ‘mujahideen’ on our side who are in constant need of these killing machines,” Mr. Right observed. “This means we also need yoga experts to help the ‘holy warriors’ shun violence and pursue a life of mental peace,” I said. “Although they care for eternal peace rather than the mental peace.” “In my view, yoga can cure ailing minds,” Mr. Right agreed. “A Yoga Therapy Centre should be set up in all national institutions, including government secretariat, parliament and the army headquarters.” “Not a bad idea,” I concurred with him. “A lot of people need to retain mental balance in today’s chaotic world. Yoga gurus might help them forget their worries about soaring prices and falling standards of morality. Many of them are more disturbed by the absence of capable leaders than the shortage of CNG.” “I know,” Mr. Right said. “I want to see big gatherings of people giving yoga demo near the Minar-i-Pakistan in Lahore and Quaid-e-Azam’s mausoleum in Karachi instead of political meetings by political parties of all hues and colours which only whip up controversies and increase confusion. We need peace, but political rallies produce noise.” “People must be able to give an impression to the outside world that the Pakistanis are thinking people and not a mere emotional lot who are easily exploited in the name of religion and false 177
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national pride,” I said. “Meditation will definitely help them discover their real self.” “Pressures of all kinds have even prompted top people in Islamabad to look for calm,” Mr. Right said. “According to information filtered through grapevine, one of the bosses advised his boss to remain calm and spend some time in meditation,” I said. “The boss received the memo and was quite happy. He didn’t feel any need for meditation. The message contained a typographical error and said: ‘May your medication bring you peace, happiness and bliss.’ “Medication is better than meditation if the patient is suffering from many unthinkable pressures,” Mr. Right remarked.
Khaleej Times December 20, 2011 178
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Zardari’s art of oratory keeps one guessing Pakistan’s president is an enigmatic speaker, nobody can make out what he is saying and whom he is referring to
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R. RIGHT is mad at people who say President Zardari recounted in a recent speech scores of his ‘sins’ that were making him unpopular but forgot to mention the most obvious one. “Which one is that?” I asked. “He makes bad speeches,” Mr. Right said. “His critics think he should leave it to others in his party because some of them have better natural talent to offend the public.” “They must be referring to a party bigwig who is good at making embarrassing ‘khapay or not khapay’ (Needed or NotNeeded) comments about Pakistan,” I pointed out. “But I don’t agree with people who call President Zardari an unimpressive or weak orator. I swear he speaks with authority,” Mr. Right observed. “After his stern warning at the Benazir Bhutto’s second 179
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death anniversary meeting in Naudero that anyone daring to cast an evil eye on democracy would be dealt with severely, the demand for protective gear for the eyes suddenly went up in the market. Believe me, he sounded like the great Z.A. Bhutto who had once warned agitators not to underestimate his strength to crush them because he could be weak but not the chair he was occupying at that time. He thumped his chair with his right hand,” Mr. Right added. “But what do you say about those who found the President’s speech unbecoming of a head of state. Veteran ANP leader Begum Nasim Wali Khan was one of them,” I reminded him. “She is an old-fashioned lady,” Mr. Right remarked. “She has definitely lost touch with etiquettes of politics which have undergone tremendous change over the years. Look at the Lahore Lion Nawaz Sharif, he didn’t find anything objectionable in his speech. He rather expressed his confidence that President Zardari’s utterances would not harm democracy.” “This shows you too have developed a liking for President Zardari’s style of governance, his handling of his opponents and his understanding of national issues, “I asked. “Yes, you may call me his biggest fan,” Mr. Right replied. “I adore his foxy ways to make it to the top. And I love his speeches, which contain nothing but words of great wisdom. He can become a model for other speakers who want to leave an impact in politics.” “Really?” I could not hide my astonishment. “ Yes, I want to open a school for budding speakers in Pakistan to train them in the art of public speaking, “ Mr. Right replied. “ The school will show videos of President Zardari’s speeches in class rooms as I find them extremely educative.” “Are you serious?” I said. “Definitely,” Mr. Right continued. “He is an enigmatic speaker, nobody can make out what he is saying and who he 180
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is referring to. This is how a seasoned politician should deliver his speech.” “But the audience should at least be able to figure out the target of his ire, the cause of his concern and identify enemies,” I said. “And why he is always taking about ‘nonstate actors’ cooking up stories and hatching a conspiracy against everything, democracy, government and nation?” I said. “That’s what I like most about him, he is a man of his word,” Mr. Right stressed. “He mentioned the word ‘conspiracy’ in one of his earlier speeches and continues to repeat it every time he appears in public. Others should learn from him how to adopt a consistent stand. My ‘school for speakers’ will help those politicians who change their stand every day and only confuse their followers.” “Are you referring to Nawaz Sharif & Co, the ‘double talk’ dealers? One day, one of their leaders advises the president to quit and next day he clarifies that his party will not ask him to leave,” I said. “And Mian Sahib himself assures help to the PPP boss to remain in saddle for five years and then immediately demands removal of those involved in corruption. People are unable to understand his party’s policy.” “That’s why I say all politicians need to undergo an intensive session of ‘speech therapy’ so that they could talk to their followers clearly. They are only increasing confusion. They must change their ways,” Mr. Right said. “In this respect, I find the Moon Sighting Committee chief Mufti Muneebur Raman’s appeal to the President to give up his angry young man’s image and turn into a new Asif Zardari, very timely and interesting,” I said. Mr. Right smiled. “I don’t know if he expects Mr. Zardari to turn into something else and appear like a new moon in President House, but I can say for sure that the president would not like the idea because the people of Pakistan have a tradition of quarrelling over every new moon. I think he 181
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should not change as his ‘angry young man’ approach could bring maturity to students in my school,” he said. “Perhaps you are right,” I said, “Your school may help speakers to act maturely by avoiding flaws in their leaders’ speeches. But do you have any advice for the listeners. How can they draw any message of goodwill from an avalanche of absurdities?” Mr. Right smiled. “I have a very fine piece of advice for them: Don’t listen to them.” “But it doesn’t solve the problem,” I said. “As a listener, everybody wants to know the trick to read their leaders’ minds?” “For this also President Zardari has provided a solution,” Mr. Right said. “Every good speaker must have a spokesman who specialises in clarifications and is able to make his speech pleasant by turning all the thorns of his speech into roses.”
Khaleej Times January 6, 2010 182
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Will democracy deliver? Democracy is like a pregnant woman stranded in an auto rickshaw in the traffic
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NOTHER BIG delay brought a bigger embarrassment for the honourable President, I told Mr. Right who was listening to the latest news on the TV. He didn’t look at me. I tried to grab his attention again, “What a shame, an auto rickshaw turned into a labour room for that poor woman in Quetta who was stranded in a traffic jam for three hours because of President Zardari’s security arrangements.” “I am proud of her,” Mr. Right said, “She gave birth to a lovely baby girl. Brave soul, indeed, she personifies Pakistan where life goes on uninterrupted despite all obstacles and hurdles. I salute her.” “Well, even President Zardari has awarded her for this feat. She could deliver in the midst of all that confusion and tension that follows a traffic jam, that’s itself a miracle. All ‘delays’ are not that productive,” I said. “Ask Nawaz Sharif and he will describe in clear terms how President Zardari’s party has failed to produce tangible results despite long delays in every matter.” “As compared to Zardari, Nawaz Sharif is in a hurry,” Mr. Right observed. “Remember when the government was delaying the restoration of judges how he 183
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played midwife to help the rebirth of Chief Justice. That was the time when the ‘bandwagon of judiciary’ had stuck in traffic on the road to Islamabad.” “But now everybody recognises that deliveries can never be avoided,” I said. “Prime Minister Yousuf Gilani has even said deliveries may take place anywhere, in a rickshaw or a plane or may be …” “In parliament,” Mr. Right completed my sentence. “The nation is yet to see the parliament deliver a healthy constitution.” “I don’t blame the government for delays,” I said. “A spokesperson of the President explained it saying that the government was trying to take decisions after carefully studying all aspects.” “That’s right that’s the way to prove that the government does not consist of fools who rush in where angels fear to tread,” Mr. Right said. “Thank God we are ruled by angels,” I said. Mr. Right smiled. “But there are many other angels who think they can do the job better. They can change the nation’s fate because they have the magic wand.” “Which magic wand?” I asked. “Its name is CoD — the Charter of Democracy,” Mr. Right said. By waving the CoD, the government will remove all difficulties of the people.” “You mean there will be no delays anywhere. Files will move in offices without ‘silver wheels,’ traffic jams will disappear and VIP entourage will stop to give way to transport carrying women in labour pain to hospitals,” I asked. “I am sure, this will happen once every piece of the jigsaw puzzle of our democracy falls in place,” Mr. Right stressed. “But when this will happen?” I looked at him inquiringly. “That I can’t tell you now,” Mr. Right replied. “You have to wait for it.” 184
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“How long?” I asked. “That can not be predicted,” Mr. Right said. “We have to wait and see. It may take long because they have to adopt the CoD first then devise a DoC.” “What is a DoC?” I was astonished. “It means Document of Conduct,” Mr. Right said. “Everybody will follow rules of good governance and will be performing duties honestly.” My face fell. “Why don’t you simply tell me that you are day-dreaming.” Mr. Right smiled. “Who knows day-dreams come true some day.” “May be,” I said. “But the people have stopped praying for better days, because they think better days always come for their leaders and not for the people who continue to toil and face hardships of life without any respite. For most of the leaders, the government is like a fast food shop where they can have their fill as quickly as possible.” “But the irony is that this fast food shop is unable to ensure swift delivery of its goods and services to the people at large,” Mr. Right remarked. “Their fate might change when true democracy gets a chance in the country. At present, democracy is like a pregnant woman stranded in an auto rickshaw in the VIP traffic. Nobody knows when or how she is going to deliver,” he added.
Khaleej Times March 2, 2010 185
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Who says dishonesty doesn’t pay? Why do we need honesty when everything is working perfectly without it?
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ONESTY IS in such a short supply these days that a quest is now being made at the national level to explore its new deposits like natural gas, Mr. Right told me spreading a newspaper on the table. “Why do we need honesty when everything is working perfectly without it?” I asked him. “Honestly speaking, who cares if the traffic policeman is not interested in catching law-breakers or political bigwigs are allergic to calls for repayment of their bank loans. In today’s Pakistan, honesty is considered a hurdle to progress.” “I know,” Mr. Right smiled. “All wise men think honesty retards growth. That’s why I find this advert a little confusing.” He pointed to the newspaper. A big advertisement was splashed across the page: ‘A pledge of honesty and hard work’. “Isn’t it crazy?” Mr. Right said. “Someone has asked the 186
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people to take an oath and make a solemn promise to be truthful in every walk of life and earn an honest living through hard work. The man is no social reformer, but a simple citizen who wants students, workers, businessmen and others to start a new truthful life by signing a pledge of honesty. He has a plan to distribute these oath papers to the people all over the country.” “In that case,” I scratched my head. “He would need millions of these printed forms for distribution to all sections of society and government departments from police stations and lawyers’ offices to headquarters of political parties and big public corporations. Masha’Allah, we have the dubious distinction of being one of the world’s most corrupt nations. Let’s not forget that.” “The quest for honesty is not out of place now,” Mr. Right said. The call for honesty has become the order of the day since the rebirth of an independent court from the ashes of judiciary. Only last week, a honourable judge of the Supreme Court, addressing a ceremony in Islamabad, called on participants of a financial management workshop to ‘always rely on your cash book, your cheque book and your law book.’ It’s a good advice indeed, but many might find it unsuitable to manage their ‘finances’, you know why. “Yes,” I laughed. “Honesty pays but it doesn’t seem to pay enough to suit some people, as somebody has said.” “There are many other disadvantages of honesty, I believe.” Mr. Right said. “All development work will stop as honest engineers will start building roads and bridges strong enough to preclude any need for repairs every six months. This will affect their productivity and efficiency.” “Likewise, staff in government departments will become punctual and dispose of files without delay. This will lead to a shortage of work in offices and make many workers surplus, creating a labour problem in the country. This may also upset our population control strategy as the surplus ‘manpower’ 187
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will be forced to stay at home,” he said. “Honesty, of course, will affect such excellent display of party pride and make the public meetings expensive,” Mr. Right remarked. “Honesty is not people-friendly at all. And politicians, the friends of the people, love to get things done for party men by ‘hook’ or by crook.” “That’s why I am afraid the honesty campaign may prove a non-starter,” I said. “It may be welcomed only when it is not made compulsory and is offered as an option like all other laws of the land.” “I understand,” Mr. Right agreed. “Honesty is the best policy — when there is money in it, as Mark Twain says.” “And we all need a lot of money, both as an individual and as a nation,” I observed. “Many of us had realised this long ago. So we prefer dishonesty – the second-best policy, of course.”
Khaleej Times March 15, 2010 188
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Reading the unreadable We have lots of other problems on hand
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FRIEND of mine who is heading a book foundation is playing tricks to make the people read books in Pakistan as if they have no other work to do, I told Mr. Right who was trying to clean his shoes with a torn newspaper. “Can anybody tell my friend Mazharul Islam that we have lots of other problems on hand.” “What problems?” Mr. Right looked at me. “The Shoaib-Sania Marriage saga has come to an end and the 18th Amendment is finally part of the constitution.” “No, Sir,” I vehemently denied. “The sword of Damocles is still hanging and wizards of constitutional law think that the 18th solution has the potential of producing yet another problem.” “Oh, no,” Mr. Right said, “I think they have not read it carefully. No body can touch it now. Your friend is doing the right thing to help the people read properly.” “Do you think so?” I continued. “The man has some crazy ideas about spreading reading habit. ‘Read when you are free and when you are in jail’ seems to be the slogan coined by his foundation which has set up a library for prisoners too in a 189
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Rawalpindi jail.” “Good, it means many of our jail inmates will now leave the prison as scholars,” Mr. Right grinned. “Some of our friends who have missed school because of politics must use this opportunity of good education.” “Sorry, Sir,” I disagreed. “Reading can please somebody but not everybody. A book helps many to go to sleep. But it is useless for those who only want to listen to a lullaby in mother’s arms or a good speech in parliament to catch forty winks.” “Books can also be used to awaken the people,” Mr. Right said. “Let your friend use the book as a trumpet for a clarion call.” “Well,” I said,” the foundation has been doing this by setting up book clubs and reading rooms, holding fairs and appointing book ambassadors to spread the book culture far and wide.” “Congratulations,” Mr. Right smiled. “Some more jobs for government supporters and friends. It’s good that many of them would now be able to see some real books. I know some self-styled lovers of books who collect decorative items such jewellery boxes and photo albums designed in the form of books. They even order a ‘book cake’ to celebrate their son’s birthday.” “No,” I said. “They are all learned people, including writers and artists. And they have vowed to promote books in their cities and communities. And it has become a cause of concern for youngsters.” “What do you mean?” Mr. Right asked. “They think their parents will cut their pocket money to buy books which are quite unnecessary because they already know everything written in those books, thanks to ‘cyberopaedia’,” I explained. “In fact, the young generation thinks paper books are for the old people who are not comfortable with new technology,” Mr. Right remarked. “Youngsters who think only money and good company 190
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could bring happiness should be convinced that there are some books which are more useful than a cheque book and a telephone directory to find fruitful pursuits in life,” I said. “A parent can effectively play this role.” “Do you mean a parent should play the book ambassador and offer books children love to read?” Mr. Right asked. “Yes, but that requires discretion,” I said. “I know a book ambassador who is a poet and he presented his book to his daughter-in-law and son. A book may be the best companion but certainly not on the wedding night.”
Khaleej Times April 26, 2010 191
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Interpreting dreams and nightmares Bad dreams are worrying the people who want experts to explain them
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HERE IS good news for dreaming people all over the world that even their most bizarre dreams could be explained as a Saudi academy would soon start producing most skillful interpreters, I told Mr. Right who was busy doing my little son’s jigsaw. “I know the academy is going to produce bachelors, masters and Ph.Ds in explaining dreams and visions but what we need in Pakistan is an academy which could offer lessons in having good dreams,” Mr. Right said. “Because our every dream turns into a nightmare in the end.” Sensing that I did not like his remark, he paused for a while and apologised, “Sorry, I did not want to hurt your feelings and I was not referring to our national poet Allama Iqbal’s dream. I was only lamenting that we have now stopped having good dreams. Can anybody tell us why?” “If you ask Nawaz Sharif he will blame bad governance for it,” I said. “And Zardari will say it happens in democracy which is 192
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the best revenge,” Mr. Right stressed. “But we should not ignore all the good work done by the government to help the people get more sleep,” I pointed out. “They have recently allowed them two holidays in a week.” Mr. Right smiled. “But please don’t ask the water and power minister Raja Sahib about his contribution. He would happily take all the credit for it saying longer periods of darkness were provided to the people through loadshedding.” “Bad dreams are worrying the people who want experts to explain their meanings,” I said. “For example, one of my neighbours who is a traffic policeman is worried that he might lose his job because he had a dream that he was standing on a spot where there was no traffic chaos, nobody was honking and all vehicular traffic was passing smoothly as traffic signals were working normally.” “Yes indeed, it’s a nightmare for our policemen because if nobody breaks the law, how they are going to earn their living?” Mr. Right remarked. “But your neighbour should not worry because his dream means that he might get a job abroad.” “I know you have a knack in dream reading,” I praised Mr. Right. “Can you tell how many of our leaders can get jobs abroad? Some of them have been constantly dreaming of houses and factories in distant lands.” “Let’s not discuss things which attract the courts’ attention these days,” Mr. Right said. “Instead we should concentrate on dreamy stuff.” “Well,” I said. “I know a man who dreams of horses, castles and currencies, what do you say about him?” “He lives in his dream and does not want to wake up,” Mr. Right commented. “People say there is another fellow who goes to sleep only to discover a roasted lamb in his dream. What does it mean?” I asked. “A roasted lamb means a good opportunity,” Mr. Right said. “Of course, Pakistan offers great opportunities to investors in all fields. And he is an investor too.” 193
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“These are dreams of important persons,” I said. “What about the common people? I know they reap a full crop of dreams every night. They are dreaming of Roti, Kapra aur Makan (Food, Clothing and House) and now Bijli (Electricity) since the PPP came to power.” Mr. Right laughed. “I am reminded of a housewife who once woke up in the morning and told her husband, ‘I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for our wedding anniversary, what do you think it means?’ ‘You will know tonight,’ he said. “In the evening, the man came home with a packet and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened the packet and found a book, titled, ‘The Meaning of Dreams’”. “It’s better,” Mr. Right said. “Our cricketers will soon start playing soccer.” I was astonished. “Who told you that?” “Nobody,” Mr. Right said. “I had a dream that Shahid Afridi was chewing a football.”
Khaleej Times May 10, 2010 194
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Jobs for fraudsters The ruling party is implementing its manifesto not only by providing jobs to its unemployed workers but also by protecting others who could become jobless as a result of court actions
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FRIEND of mine is looking for a suitable job, I told Mr. Right who favours putting the right people in the right places. He looked at me, many questions lurking in his eyes. “Unfortunately, my friend is uneducated, ill-mannered and rude and has the least respect for the law,” I explained. “Where do you think he can find his dream job?” “Ah, the man is a fit candidate for every top position in any public sector organisation,” Mr. Right exclaimed. “Ideally suited to become head of a political party, he can easily be inducted into parliament even, provided he has a fake academic degree, and can be appointed as a minister, if he has some previous experience of scams.” I was stunned. “Are you kidding?” 195
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“Not at all,” Mr. Right said. “Don’t you read newspapers. The ruling party is implementing its manifesto not only by providing jobs to its unemployed workers but also by protecting others who could become jobless as a result of court actions.” “This shows the party has a soft corner in its heart for those who were punished by the courts for cheating and fraud,” I said. “The party has full faith in ‘Zabardasti’. The man was forced into parliament through a bye-election and a minister’s sentence was quashed by the president to protect the people’s representatives from humiliation, a noble gesture indeed.” “This only shows the public tribunals called elections are considered superior than the courts of law which have zero tolerance for cheating and dishonesty, and politicians think that ballot boxes allow them these small deviations,” Mr. Right observed. “Party bosses claim they overlook these ‘petty’ crimes for the sake of democracy because its sapling needs proper care to help it turn into a big tree,” I said. “They think fake is real unless proved unreal and religiously adhere to an old saying: ‘Fake it until you make it,” Mr. Right commented. “Whatever it may be,” I said, “the culprit who had lost his parliamentary seat because of his fake degree has triumphantly made it to the National Assembly.” “But a clean-up campaign against fake educational degrees is already on,” Mr. Right said. “A senate body has taken up the role of a gate-keeper in order to weed out phony diplomas. More than 100 lawmakers are expected to go through this litmus test.” “I tell you it’s going to be a daunting task,” I said. “We have allowed ‘fake art’ to grow in Pakistan like folk art in recent years. Few of our lawmakers are known for their scholastic pursuits and a scramble for academic degrees 196
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began only after somebody introduced a law making graduation compulsory for members of the parliament.” “The current scrutiny drive is a cause of grave concern for both the lawmakers and the government,” Mr. Right pointed out. “With so many lawmakers facing the risk of disqualification, it will be a nightmare for the government to create so many top jobs for these people. The Supreme Court has already cancelled promotions of 58 top government officials by the prime minister.” “A nationwide campaign should be launched beforehand to seek employment opportunities for those losing their seats in the parliament,” I suggested. “I still think the government must grab opportunities created by the court to cleanse our society of cheats,” Mr. Right argued. “Court orders could serve as a spillway to purge outlaws otherwise the swollen lake of corruption will burst its banks like the lake created by landslides in Hunza.” “I agree, I said. “I fully support the removal of lawmakers having fake degrees. In Saudi Arabia, authorities took a strong action against a woman teacher who was found carrying a forged academic certificate.” “I am not sure if anybody in the government can follow the edict, who would like to be called a copycat,” Mr. Right remarked.
Khaleej Times May 25, 2010 197
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Learning to behave decently A school for good behaviour will have a chapter on ways to turn rubbish into decent words
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OLITICIANS in Pakistan are currently crossing swords over ethics and etiquette and calling for more polite ways to turn impolite. Don’t you think it’s the right time to launch a school for them to learn good behaviour, I asked Mr. Right. “Not a bad idea,” Mr. Right replied. “The school should teach them to fight with each other with real swords without trying to kill each other.” I laughed. “The problem is that they want to kill each other with blunt weapons. Some of them even want to do this through words, which are laced with venom. And I cannot forgive those who are fond of ‘tongue-lashing’ but their language is least admirable.” “Speaking in public should be the forte of politicians but most of them disappoint us with their utterances,” Mr. Right observed. “Unfortunately, they are unable to impress even their opponents. They are seen only foul-mouthing and vomiting expletives.” 198
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“Our school can serve them very well,” I said. “The first one to get admission on merit will be Mr. Sanaullah, the law minister of Punjab, who has shown his prowess in foul-mouthing Governor Taseer. The only thing he has to learn at school is the better use of ‘toilet paper’.” “Foul-mouthing is an international phenomenon,” Mr. Right said. “Even politicians at the Capitol Hill have a history of bad tempers and use of salty language. In 2004, Vice President Dick Cheney appearing in the senate chamber in his capacity as president of the senate became involved in a discussion with Senator Patrick Leahy about Cheney’s ties with his old firm Halliburton. The conversation turned nasty and a spokesman later acknowledged that there had been a “frank exchange of views.” “There can be decency in dissent as well. I am reminded of a house speaker in the US parliament, John McCormack who would express his displeasure over the behaviour of a colleague by saying, ‘I hold the distinguished gentleman in minimum high regard’.” “It is unfortunate that the behaviour of most of our lawmakers today is forcing the people to hold them ‘in minimum high regard,” I said. “And the reasons are obvious. Accusations are rampant and everybody is blaming everybody for all bad things in society,” Mr. Right said. “They accuse each other of working for somebody else,” I said. “You know, Quaid-i-Azam Muhammad Ali Jinnah was once pleading a case before a judge in British India. The judge was in a bad mood and rejected his arguments many times saying ‘Rubbish’. After some time, when he again repeated the remark, Mr. Jinnah smiled and said, ‘My Lord, since morning nothing is coming out of your mouth except 199
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rubbish!’ This is true in case of our many lawmakers today. Whatever comes out of their mouths is nothing but rubbish.” “The school for good behaviour will include in its curriculum for politicians a chapter on ways to turn rubbish into decent words to express their intention to hold their ‘distinguished’ detractors ‘in minimum high regard’,” I said.
Khaleej Times June 7, 2010 200
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The world upside down Don’t tell me they call our sun their moon?
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HE ‘NEW WORLD’ discovered by Christopher Columbus centuries ago still has plenty of surprises for the traveller from this part of the globe, Mr. Right was relating his experience about his trip to America. “And what are those surprises?” I asked. “It’s a world of opposites,” he remarked. “Now I know why the Americans rarely agree with the rest of the world on various matters. They have a different view of everything.” I looked at him inquiringly. “Don’t tell me they call our sun their moon?” “No,” he said. “But our night is their day and our day is their night.” “That’s because they live on the opposite side of our planet.” “They have a different way of doing things. They play football with their hands and switch off lamps to light them up and switch on to shut them off, Mr. Right said. “And opposed to motorists in some countries across Atlantic, they drive their cars on the right side of the road.” “This shows how careful they are to avoid the Left,” I 201
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said. Mr. Right suddenly took out a bottle of ketch-up from his bag and placed it on the table upside down. “It’s a more practical way of serving ketch-up with sandwiches,” he said. “With the bottle standing on its head, you don’t need to shake the bottle violently to get the stuff out.” “They are doing the same thing in Iraq and Afghanistan,” I said. “They have put those countries upside down to help them have something good and refreshing.” “Unlike our country, yoghurt is sold there in glasses that have a broad base and a narrow opening. That’s why these are kept on the table with their ‘bottoms’ up.” “May be this reflects their political philosophy that democracy is broad-based and is for the masses,” I said. “But this ‘narrow-neck’ container is more like democracy in our country in which all its benefits are enjoyed by a privileged few,” Mr. Right observed. “I am a great fan of American democracy,” I said. “I admire it because it helped the people elect the nation’s first non-white president.” “ A small step for a ‘black’ man, but a big leap for the mankind,” Mr. Right said. Isn’t it another big surprise, a black man in the White House? This could happen only in America.” “Hope there is no movement to rename the White House as Black House,” I said. “Thanks God, it’s not in Pakistan otherwise, things would have been different.” “There can be many ways to pay tribute to a leader,” Mr. Right said. “I suggest that the Statue of Liberty in the New York Harbour should be replaced with a statue of President Obama as a tribute to American democracy,” I said. “Well, democracy is one of the best products of America and a growing export item. But the Americans think that it is only the second best option in countries having military 202
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dictatorships which are favourable to them,” Mr. Right remarked. “And what happens when they agree to export democracy to a deserving country?” I asked. “The Americans in that case encourage that country to import democracy from a US franchise in ketch-up bottles and pizza boxes, as they think that any other brand could be harmful and might be contaminated,” Mr. Right observed. “Yes, they fear that might lead to a break-out of ‘madcow’ disease and breed policies of confrontation,” I agreed. “No doubt, democracy in upside-down ketch-up bottles adds good taste to government decisions and foreign relations,” Mr. Right stressed.
Khaleej Times July 11, 2010 203
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A Las Vegas in Karachi? People in Karachi are already busy in doing everything they want to do without any fear
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R. RIGHT has returned from Las Vegas with the blueprint of his favourite city in his pocket. He has mooted the idea of a do-it-yourself version of the great fun city in the vicinity of his hometown. “We can do it, I am sure,” he said. “The people love change.” “The idea is fantastic and the time is ripe for such a venture as the government is also keen to develop a new city,” I said. “But I don’t know if the officials concerned would agree to your plan.” “It’s the best bet,” Mr. Right stressed. “A city on the lines of Las Vegas near Karachi will be most appropriate and would serve the people in many ways.” “Which particular features of Las Vegas would make the new city a favourite of everybody?” I asked. “Well,” Mr. Right smiled. “Individual’s freedom: Let the people do what they want.” “I doubt there is any dearth of individual freedom in Pakistani cities,” I argued. “People are already busy doing everything they want to do without any fear. See how many citizens are dying everyday in drive-by shooting spree and 204
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how many cases of daytime robberies, kidnappings for ransom and gang wars are reported daily by the media. We already have enough tolerance for all types of crimes and sins.” “I know that’s why I don’t like to call Las Vegas a ‘Sin City’, the title used for it universally because of its tolerance for all types of adult pastime. I like the city because it is clean and self-supporting. The city makes money through its casinos and betting machines, which are known as ‘one-arm bandits’ as these rob fun-seekers of their money. Our Las Vegas will be kept free of these machines.” “Of course, we don’t need these mechanical bandits, we have the real ones,” I said. “Las Vegas can be a good model for any city trying to become a world class metropolis. Its glittering entertainment strip hosting the world’s best hotels, shopping malls and clubs can guide us in formulating beautiful construction plans for the city. That will help us create new jobs and bring prosperity.” “Certainly,” I agreed. “There will be a sudden gold rush and land-grabbers, builders, contractors and middlemen will fight for percentages and find the project most rewarding.” “The city will need foolproof arrangements for power because cities like Las Vegas don’t sleep at night,” Mr. Right cautioned. “No problem, we will acquire huge power plants on rent or allow duty-free import of electricity generators,” I said. “And what about water?” Mr. Right asked. “A city to be developed by the sea should have no worry about water,” I replied. “I agree,” Mr. Right said. “There is always an abundant supply of bottled mineral water and a variety of soft drinks.” “I see no problem in getting an ultra-modern new city within a short time,” I said. “But where will we get the right type of residents for this fine city?” 205
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“Don’t worry,” Mr. Right said. “The city will find its own dwellers in due course. It will attract its own people— residents, shopkeepers, cops and car-lifters as required by any bustling city.” “The proposed city, however, is needed to reduce pressure on existing big cities,” I quoted the government statement. “That’s right, the people don’t get jobs there and don’t get proper transport, education and medical facilities. And housing problem is acute. Only the lucky ones among the dead are able to find a proper last resting place for themselves.” Mr. Right lamented. “The new city will provide new opportunities to everybody, living or dead.” “I am only worried how the new city will survive without a well-defined source of income. Las Vegas runs on gambling money, but that will be unacceptable here,” I said. “Never mind, the city will explore its own gold mines. Where gambling is banned, gamblers find another way to make it. Making of a city in itself is a gamble,” Mr. Right remarked.
Khaleej Times July 26, 2010 206
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Locomotives and leaders The army doesn’t need anybody’s invitation to takeover, it does so when it feels like
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AILWAY locomotives in Pakistan are in a bad shape and train drivers have asked officials to replace ‘mechanically unfit’ engines. “They say faulty locomotives affect train services and the railway department is blamed for poor performance,” I told Mr. Right who was reading a newspaper. “Locomotives are like leaders,” Mr. Right said. “They pull trains as leaders pull nations out of inertia. As an inept leader is no good for a nation, a faulty engine fails to take a train to its destination.” “That’s why we need locomotives that produce less noise and more speed and are fuel efficient. An engine that consumes more fuel and makes travel slow and tedious is worthless. The problem with our locomotives is that these make more noise and fail to gather momentum,” I said. “Same is true for our leaders,” Mr. Right pointed out. “They talk too much and make little sense. That’s why many people want introduction of new locomotives to pull the 207
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country’s political train. They think our leaders are the masters of double talk and they don’t mean what they really say.” “I don’t agree with you, Sir,” I retorted. “Speeches of our leaders are full of gems. Their thoughts can be interpreted in many ways.” “That’s why they have to maintain an army of sagacious spokesmen to contradict, deny or rephrase their statements,” Mr. Right said. “This shows the profundity and depth of their views,” I explained. “For example, one of our beloved leaders recently called for a change in the system to rid the country of corrupt leaders and ‘land mafia’. Everybody criticised him for inviting the army to take action. It took more than a week for wise men of the party to explain the sublime philosophy enshrined in his statement.” “I know,” Mr. Right said. “Party bigwigs and spokesmen took pains to explain that their leader did not mean what he had actually said and he only meant what he had never said. They assured that he had no intention to invite the army to intervene because the army did not need anybody’s invitation for such noble tasks.” “This shows how much our leaders are keen to protect the jobs of trusted men and women working as their media advisers,” I said. “Like engines, they eat fire and make smoky speeches. They enter into agreements and hold out promises which are never fulfilled,” Mr. Right smiled. “I disagreed. “Prime Minister Yousuf Raza Gilani and PML-N leader Nawaz Sharif had announced a plan that a commission comprising some of our honest people will be set up to oversee distribution of flood relief goods. And the body is going to be set up soon under a new name.” “No, the original plan announced at a noisy press conference was forgotten and the government opted for 208
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another proposal for a council comprising some other honest people,” Mr. Right remarked. “This council has been proposed to make the relief distribution operations transparent,” I said. “But the government seems to be unhappy over involvement of NGOs in the process.” “PM Gilani has expressed his fears that NGOs would gobble up half the aid coming through them to help the floodaffected people in the country,” Mr. Right said. “But the ruling party’s detractors feel the traditional system is fully capable of finishing off the whole amount, if the operations are left unchecked.” “The government spokesman was, however, quick to clarify that the PM was referring to foreign NGOs only,” I pointed out. “Local NGOs and the GOs are free to compete with each other in the field. May God keep them on the right track.” “So that they don’t need replacement of their locomotives,” Mr. Right added.
Khaleej Times September 7, 2010 209
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A tribute to ‘old men’ of letters Our younger generation has a lot of distractions. And those who have opted to become writers need due recognition
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RDU WRITERS from all over the world recently assembled in Karachi to discuss ways to live longer, Mr. Right said. “The conference was a tribute to time-honoured literary traditions and ‘old men’ of letters. Most delegates and even prominent hosts were in the 70-90 age groups.” “It was a perfect setting for a conference that devoted a full day to the memory of Mir Taqi Mir, the oldest man of Urdu poetry who has been ruling the ghazal for almost three centuries,” I said. “Who else could have been a better source of inspiration for contemporary poets and authors to prolong their life by producing long-lasting prose and poetry?” “Mir Sahib is a living tradition of Urdu ghazal,” Mr. Right remarked. “And the conference was a way to remind art lovers that tradition does not mean that the living are dead, it means that the dead are living as they say.” “The event was a hat-trick for the Arts Council of Pakistan, Karachi that is 210
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striving to revive the cultural life of the city which was plagued by violence and strife in the recent past,” Mr. Right further said. “But I am at a loss to understand why literature these days is attracting only old people, who refuse to retire voluntarily and remain active in their areas of interest despite failing health.” “Yes, it was really wonderful to watch Farman Fatehpuri, Aslam Farrukhi, Lutfullah Khan, Fatima Suriyya Bajia, Hameed Akhtar, Intizar Hussain, Salim Akhtar and many other old men and women of letters constantly testing their physical fitness to sit for hours on the stage and energetically take part in discussions,” I said. “These senior citizens of the literary world explaining their viewpoints and relating anecdotes about various people and places passed the memory test with flying colours,” Mr. Right grinned. “Physically, they may be weak but mentally they were fully alert,” I stressed. “Old men dominated this conference, no doubt. And there were lots of ‘grey heads’ even in the audience but it doesn’t mean contemporary literature is being produced and appreciated in old people’s homes only.” “I don’t say that as the conference brought together a small number of comparatively younger delegates as well, including Irtiza Karim from India, Ibrahim Mohammed Ibrahim from Egypt and Alina Maximanko from Moscow, but Irtiza Karim’s observation seems to be somewhat valid that no new writers are seen forthcoming,” Mr. Right pointed out. “That is true,” I said. “Our younger generation has a lot of distractions. And those who have opted to become writers need due recognition. As a result, many of our ‘new’ writers are still called ‘young’ even after turning 50 or 60.” “The situation can improve definitely if the standard of education in Urdu is raised and the language is given its due status as demanded by the participants of the conference through a resolution,” Mr. Right said. “I was really impressed 211
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by the old guards of Urdu literature who came to attend the event despite bad health.” “Credit for this must go to Ahmed Shah, honorary secretary of the arts council, who must have kept ambulances on call to rush his delegates to hospital in case of any emergency,” I said. “The conference was a mini ‘Mir Nagar’ built by him, in the words of the author and BBC broadcaster Raza Ali Abidi,” Mr. Right continued. “He rightly said how different Shah was from his namesake Ahmed Shah Abdali, the Afghan invader who ransacked Delhi in the 18th century.” “In the ‘Mir Nagar’, the participants of the conference were treated to an entertaining mix of events such as an international mushaira, book launches, an evening of humorous writings, and special sessions devoted to fiction, criticism, art of translation, media affairs and ghazal concerts,” I said. “There was an open opportunity for speakers too to agree and sometimes disagree on statements, issues and literary trends.” “That is a good omen because if they had something to disagree this time there is every likelihood that they will agree to meet next year again to discuss things on which they don’t agree,” Mr. Right smiled.
Khaleej Times December 13, 2010 212
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Carrying a mirror in the city of the blind People go blind when they stop taking notice of wrongdoings around them
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NE PERSON goes blind every five seconds in Pakistan, according to the president of a trust running an eye hospital. It means 12 blind people every minute and 720 blind people every hour are added to the country’s population. “Do you believe this?” I asked Mr. Right. “This shows the size of the blind people in the country which is growing every day. They include both — those who cannot see and those who don’t want to see. No wonder everybody here seems to turn a blind eye to all kinds of mischief and injustices,” Mr. Right remarked. “You say most people are blind but how would you recognise them, not everybody carries a white cane,” I asked. “It’s easy,” Mr. Right replied, “anyone who can’t tell the difference between right and wrong, good and bad, justice and injustice.” “Well, you mean everybody, my God, are we living in the city of the blind?” “Sure, we are,” Mr. Right said, “I am reminded of the 213
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poet Ahmed Faraz who dubbed his poetry a mirror in the city of the blind. People go blind when they stop taking notice of wrongdoings around them.” “This happens when the powerful are able to hoodwink the law and criminals think the country’s snail-pace justice system will never be able to punish them,” I said. “But good news is that this is going to change now as the new judicial policy has been launched to ensure speedy justice for the people and weed out corruption in courts.” “I am for it,” Mr. Right said, “but before the new justice system is implemented one has to ensure that the people are also alive to their duty. The system can work only when people don’t turn a blind eye to what is happening around and share their concern with the watchdogs of law. But justice remains ‘blind’ as ever to shun any biases and bring culprits to book.” I said, “A lot of changes are taking place in courts lately and men of principle are taking over the reins of law, but some lawyers still seem to be the ‘prisoners of their past’. They too are blind in the sense that they don’t realise the importance of unity and harmony at this crucial hour when the country is in turmoil. You know what they did in Lahore?” “The Lahore High Court Bar Association turned into a Lahore High Court Boxing Association on the question of electing their office-bearers,” Mr. Right said. “At another function of lawyers, the country’s attorney-general Latif Khosa was almost mishandled and was forced to leave the place.” “And the two incidents took place in Lahore, the country’s cultural capital which has faced some of the most devastating bomb blasts recently,” I lamented. “The lawyers’ attitude itself amounts to a ‘suicide’ attack on national solidarity,” I stressed. Mr. Right said, “There is no dearth of such ‘blind’ people in society. Ironically they include people from all walks of life, including students, political workers 214
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and government functionaries.” “These ‘blind’ creatures,” I said, “don’t realise that their actions are harming the country. These self-serving souls are only following their own agenda. Students boycott their exams without any justification and attack their teachers on one pretext or the other while political workers are out in the street everyday to stage a protest and destroy peace of the city. These champions of democracy have brought huge losses to the economy by forcing shopkeepers to shut their businesses and halting traffic. They have turned Karachi into a battlefield. More than 40 people lost their lives in four days in tit-for-tat killings. Is there nobody to bring them to justice?” “There is one person indeed who has offered his good offices to stop killings between two warring factions in Sindh,” Mr. Right pointed out. “He must be our beloved Chief Justice,” I said. “No,” Mr. Right said. “He is a provincial minister. He held a jirga, a tribal tribunal, to bring peace between two gangs of notorious dacoits in the interior of Sindh. The minister presided over the court to bring about a settlement to bury the hatchet, as a press report says. Both gangs accepted the court verdict not to kill each other.” “Very wise of them, no doubt,” I said. “Why to waste their energy, there are lot of other people who can be killed by them at will.”“So,” Mr. Right said, “the said minister can be very helpful in bringing about a peace truce among the factions of various political parties, who are displaying their ‘fire power’ to assert their supremacy in Karachi.” “If he has some influence over notorious dacoits,” I said,” he surely will have a way to deal with our political zealots too.” “I admire the powers and skills of our ministers,” Mr. Right said. “In the province of Punjab, one of the ministers has hit headlines for his benevolence recently.” “Yes he went to the airport to help a friend retrieve his 215
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baggage without the customs clearance. It was an act of sheer benevolence. I don’t know why the media has raised so much of hue and cry over this incident. It’s no crime to help friends if you are in a position of authority,” I said. “Exactly,” Mr. Right said, “I am ready to pardon even that poor member of the National Assembly who tried to appear at the Islamabad Board’s Intermediate exam through proxy. His nephew was caught red handed appearing in the exam in place of the MNA. But he did it for a good cause. It will be beneficial for the country if some learned people make their way to the National Assembly.” “But what do you think of a member of provincial assembly who called a woman at his hotel room in Lahore for the settlement of a property dispute and then laid claim on her as his own property?” I asked. “The poor MPA seems to be interested in creating new disputes instead of settling the old ones,” Mr. Right said. “Such people are blinded by power and can’t see the right course of action. The country certainly needs a justice system which is powerful enough to open their eyes.”
Khaleej Times June 16, 2009 216
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A contest of ‘good dreams’ on Independence Day We as a nation tend to dream year after year in search of our pursuits
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E ARE a dreaming people that’s why every year we hold a contest of ‘good dreams’ to mark Pakistan’s Independence Day, Mr. Right told me showing a diary of dreams he had bought to record all entries. “But who holds this contest?” I asked. “Generally, I always see people grumbling about their nightmares.” “Not on the Independence Day,” Mr. Right said.” All newspapers, radio stations and TV channels ask the people from all walks of life to relate their good dreams about the future and they are offered sweets and cakes.” “In this case, our lawyers must be queuing up to tell their dreams and get some sweets,” I said. “And what was their dream by the way?” “They had a good dream no doubt,” Mr. Right said. “They had seen that the Supreme National Council of Martial Arts has adopted ‘Black Coat’ as the highest honour for the exponents of judo and karate in place of ‘Black Belt.’ The council expressed the hope that it would add legal cover to the art of fist fight.” “I don’t know if this dream ever comes 217
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true,” I said, “and I am against such action because ‘black coats’ will then form an independent agency to attack guards and help under-trial criminals flee. They should explore some other way to promote their practice and attract new clients.” “There was another dream which generated huge interest among judges,” Mr. Right said. “It was related by a member of the National Assembly who is usually seen sleeping during the prime minister’s speech.” “Oh,” I said, “at last he’s realised how bad people feel about him when he goes to sleep in the midst of a debate of supreme national importance.” “Yes, he is now sure to deflect the attention of the camera from himself to the prime minister as in his dream he has seen him dozing off during the speech of the leader of the opposition,” Mr. Right observed. I said, “This is strange that our lawmakers only dream to sleep. Don’t they know that the honourable chief justice has sent so many legal and constitutional riddles to the parliament to find their easy and early solutions?” Mr. Right said, “The solutions will be eventually found one day as some close aides of President Zardari and N-League chief Nawaz Sharif have had a dream that both leaders are meeting once again to discuss the issues.” “I am disappointed that our lawmakers are not serious in their work,” I lamented. “They should pull their socks up and put their shoulders to the wheel of democracy.” “A parliament member of Nawaz party, relating his dream, bragged that he had offered a lift to Miss Democracy in his car,” Mr. Right said. “Another lawmaker from the ruling party had a dream that a new security gate has been installed at the entrance of the National Assembly where they are asked to deposit their pens and enter the gate only by showing a thumbs-up sign,” Mr. Right said. “It’s quite understandable,” I replied. “Who wants to write or read in the parliament? The rule of thumb is enough to tackle all matters there. Actually, no academic 218
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qualifications are needed for statesmanship. It was decided by the cabinet recently.” Mr. Right said, “The thumbs-up sign is fine, but there are some members who believe that their thumb stickers should be used by the Speaker to carry on with the business of the parliament instead of disturbing them in their sleep for taking only a thumb impression on documents.” “Somebody from the Nawaz party had a dream that a big billboard displaying a ‘No Uniform Please’ sign has been installed, asking members never to support men in uniforms.” I said, “I can understand that party’s obsession about uniforms, its experience was so nightmarish that it might advise the government now to shut the door of the army for ever on everybody whose name is Musharraf.” Mr. Right smiled. “Nobody in the government should have any worries about the army now because one of the members sitting on the treasury benches said that he had seen the prime minister in his dream moving his secretariat to the GHQ and taking over the army as its supreme commander. ” I said, “Mr. Right you have so far mentioned the dreams of our politicians only, what about the others, has the common man stopped dreaming altogether?” “No my dear,” Mr. Right said. “An old man from Lyari said that he had met Rahman ‘Dakait’ in his dream. The ‘bandit king’, who was killed in a police encounter recently, was quite bitter about the treatment meted out to him. He said that with a rich experience of killings, extortions and gang wars, he had all the right qualifications to rise up to any position in politics but he was betrayed.” I asked, “Was there nobody who had a dream about unity and prosperity in the country even on a national day?” “Why not,” Mr. Right replied. “A housewife proudly described how she had seen streams of milk and honey flowing outside the home in her dream. She said she could not describe how much she was pleased to see huge mounds 219
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of silvery sugar in shops. ‘Thank God, there will be no shortage of sugar during Ramadan.’ The woman won a gift voucher for a free bag of sugar for the ‘sweetest dream’ on the Independence Day. She was told to collect her gift from the Bounty Stores set up by the government for the people.” “I hope she has received the bag,” I said. “Well,” Mr. Right continued, “I saw her coming back from the shop today empty-handed although it was announced that action was being taken against hoarders.” “Why empty-handed,” I asked.“Because the shop was closed. These shops remain open in the people’s dreams only,” Mr. Right said.
Khaleej Times August 18, 2009 220
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How to deal with the ‘steal mills’ of corruption There are many homegrown solutions to make life simple and less expensive
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HE CHIEF of the steel mills has lost his job in the midst of raging rumours of ballooning corruption in public-run organisations, I told Mr. Right. “This shows that the government has finally drawn its sword against wrong-doers.” Mr. Right smiled. “But I am impressed by the mills’ steely will to survive repeated attempts by vested interest to ‘steal’ it. How sad, its history is full of scandals and scams. No wonder Musharraf wanted to privatise it to put it in safer hands.” “And that proved Musharraf’s Achilles’ heels, don’t you remember,” I said.” In my view, it should be left to its fate. The steel mills symbolises Pakistan, always able to tide over its difficulties despite the plunderers’ bid to undo it.” “Not a bad comparison,” Mr. Right said. “But do you think one sacking is enough to save the sinking ship? And, how will the sacking of the steel mills boss help bring honesty and financial sanity to other organisations crumbling 221
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under the weight of corruption?” “It will serve as a deterrent and become an example for others,” I said. “If you remember, by insisting on Musharraf’s trial, Nawaz Sharif is also saying the same thing.” Mr. Right said, “The problem is, Musharraf as usual is unwilling to cooperate with Nawaz. That is too bad. Every good move by him is checkmated by a lack of agreement or a lack of consensus among the parties concerned.” “Even the honourable Supreme Court has found it ‘undoable’, I said. Mr. Right sighed. “This lack of consensus is the culprit. The ever active ‘steal mill’ will continue to roll out stolen money.” I said, “But the prime minister’s recent statement brings some hope too. He has promised to activate the accountability process to weed out corruption. And the best thing is that he has offered to begin the process from the prime minister’s house.” “Golden words no doubt,” Mr. Right remarked. “He can serve as a model for others. Starting the ‘catch-a-thief’ campaign from the country’s top houses will be unique in the sense that for the first time it will put the present rulers under the scanner. Compared to it, our political tradition always insisted on exposing the ‘bad guys’ after they had already left the scene.” “I am happy that the National Accountability Bureau or NAB, which was created to bring culprits to book, has been disbanded,” I said. “As a matter of fact, strong action should be taken against its functionaries who disappointed the nation. They spent millions of rupees on an operation which was meant to move a mountain of corruption but failed to remove even a molehill of a crime.” Mr. Right said, “corruption is so deep-rooted in society and we are so used to it that we presumably can not live without it. For example, bribe is the key to success in any field, a mantra to make the impossible, possible.” 222
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“I know,” I said. “The poet Dilawar Figaar wrote an immortal line about it. ‘Lay Kay Rishwat Phans Gaya Hai, Day Kay Rishwat Chhoot Jaa’ (Got yourself in trouble by taking a bribe, get out of it by offering a bribe).” Mr. Right said, “It’s a pragmatic approach to life indeed. But the point is how the people will learn good values and gather courage to resist the temptations of good life. With the increasing needs, the people’s lust for money is growing. Is there a way to curb this menace? ” “It’s possible only if simplicity is adopted. It would be easier to launch it as a fashion, a modern lifestyle,” I said. “I remember how the Awami suit was once made a craze by Bhutto. Likewise, today’s leaders can help the bicycle stage a comeback. It will solve our energy crisis. People should be encouraged to eat only vegetables and observe a fast at least once a week even after Ramadan like we have power load shedding. This will not only make them God-fearing and honest but will also prepare them to face the shortage of flour and sugar bravely. There can be many other home-grown solutions to make life simple and less expensive.” Mr. Right was not convinced. “It’s not so simple,” he said. “The poor already have a simple lifestyle and they somehow manage to live with less money. Actually, it is the rich who need more money. And that’s how corruption finds new breeding grounds.” I said, “I still believe our leaders can find a way to do away with corruption at all level by setting an example of simple living and selfless service. I know there is no dearth of good and honest people among them.” Mr. Right said, “Please don’t think I don’t believe in miracles, this can really happen. But I read somewhere that a group of honest people was holding a meeting to discuss an easy method to purge their village of dishonesty. Suddenly an angel arrived and informed the head of honest tribe that his work and honesty had impressed everybody so much that God 223
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has decided to reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the village chief chose for himself infinite wisdom. Done, said the angel and vanished. Now all the heads turned towards the chief sitting with a halo of light around his head. When he did not speak for sometime, one of his colleagues said, ‘Say something the most wise man’ He sighed and said, ‘I should have taken the money.’” I said, “So it means that the lust for money comes with wisdom.” “No it means that there are a lot of wise men among the honest people,” Mr. Right remarked.
Khaleej Times September 2, 2009 224
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Wanted, an Eid Moon ‘on rent’ Progress in space research would mean losing the thrill of fights over moon sighting
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INCE THE National Moon Sighting Committee in Pakistan has failed to meet the expectations of some people to produce moon according to their calendar, they have advised the government to disband the panel and get the Eid Moon on rent from some other country. “It’s like getting rental power plants from abroad to meet the shortage of electricity,” I told Mr. Right. “No doubt, the Eid moon this year again has proved a perennial cause of rift among the believers, but the ‘rent-a-moon’ drive looks bizarre. Why can’t the Pakistanis spot their own moon?” “They have an eyesight problem as they always see two moons instead of one, thus making their every Eid controversial,” I said. “This year, Monday turned out to be the ‘Moonday’ for whole of Pakistan but Peshawar preferred to give this honour to Sunday.” Mr. Right said, “An ANP minister in Peshawar is so upset with the national moon sighting panel that he has demanded immediate removal of its chief calling him a ‘remnant of Musharraf’. I don’t know if the poor fellow thinks that 225
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Musharraf has a hand in ‘Moon-Mullah Malfunctioning’.” “The fact is that the people of the NWFP have been observing Eid one day earlier than the other parts of the country even before Musharraf,” I pointed out. “This year’s fiasco also is in the best tradition of the area. That’s why the minister’s call for finding ways to celebrate Eid through out the country on same day looks odd.” “Let’s not dispute his good intentions,” Mr. Right said. “There can be no better way to bring the people together if we can have a common Eid for all. The fights over Eid moon are now forcing wise men to celebrate Eid outside Pakistan. President Asif Zardari went to the US and PML leader Nawaz Sharif celebrated the big occasion in the holy land.” I said, various moon sighting committees were working all over the country to end disputes over this matter of great national importance. But people like the NWFP minister Ghulam Ahmed Bilour think that these are not very useful in sighting the moon. He accused Mufti Munibur Rahman, chief of the main panel, of delaying the Eid celebrations by 24 hours. That’s why he is now insisting on doing away with the existing system of moon sighting and get the services of the moon shining over the holy city of Makkah for the benefit of the Pakistanis.” “How sad, we can’t even trust our own moon,” Mr. Right remarked. “Mr. Bilour thinks the Pakistanis are a moonless people.” “Then why is he backing those who had discovered the Eid moon one day in advance in Peshawar?” I asked. “Because they strengthened his argument that the existing system is faulty,” Mr. Right explained. “He doesn’t want these committees.” “Well,” I said. “Many people have suggested a solution to improve their working, at least in Peshawar.” “And what is that suggestion?” Mr. Right was all ears. “The panel members should include only the blind as they tend to sight the moon even before the general public is able to see it,” I said. “But the moon controversy every year is 226
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healthy as it provides answers to many questions of the believers,” Mr. Right said thoughtfully. “And what are those questions? I asked. “These include: Why do we observe Eid on three days? Why we are not interested in science and space research? And why our poets don’t look for the moon on the horizon? “And the answers?” Mr. Right smiled. “We observe Eid on three days so that any mistake in declaring the right day of Eid can be rectified. And we hate progress in science and technology and space research because we don’t want to lose the thrill of fights over moon sighting as there will be no skirmishes between the mullahs over it if someday we are able to land on the moon. There will be no fights on the moon over the exact day to begin fasting or to celebrate Eid. So this controversy will automatically cease to exist.” “But why our poets don’t look for the moon on the horizon?” I asked. “Because they see the moon on the faces of their beloved,” Mr. Right said. “The poets’ way of avoiding the moon controversy may be good for them but not for others,” I said. “Nobody can claim his monopoly over it. The moon is for all people to see. Mufti Munibur Rahman has rightly said that when it appears it is seen by everybody.” Mr. Right said, “Mufti Sahab is very generous but people like Mr. Bilour do not agree with him. As a result there are two Eids, one at a provincial and the other at the federal level as was witnessed this year.” “It is still manageable,” I said. “But there can be even four Eids if, God forbid, all provincial moon sighting committees decide to have their own way.
Khaleej Times September 30, 2009 227
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Pakistani writers show how to live to defy death In a country where people are fond of counting tombstones, writers let everybody know they are not dead
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T’S LIKE snatching life from the jaws of death. A writers’ conference, which was almost dead because of security concerns and the recent spate of bomb blasts in the country, has been given the kiss of life by the people of Karachi,” I told Mr. Right. “I know,” Mr. Right replied. “Welcoming short story writers, poets and scholars at the Second International Urdu Conference last week, Ahmed Shah, honorary secretary of the Arts Council of Pakistan, Karachi, the host of the event, said the lovers of literature should be praised for taking the risk.” “Lovers are always ready to take risks for the sake of their love,” I said. “And in this case, it was their love for Urdu.” “Shah is a man of passion,” Mr. Right said. “While every new bomb blast had led to cancellation of visit by a foreign delegate, he found himself even more determined to go ahead with the conference. Shah told the gathering: “It’s fearful, but 228
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I thought if it is so, I would feel myself honoured to die with so many distinguished writers at one place.” “The conference brought together writers to suggest ways to keep doomsayers at bay and save society from dying a slow death.” “Are you echoing the words of Ghazi Salahuddin, the journalist and writer who dubbed it a ‘dumb society’ because the people had stopped reading books,” I asked Mr. Right. “Every book lover and even the owners of book stalls set up at the venue of the conference will agree with him,” Mr. Right commented. “Today, even writers agree to read books only when these are gifted to them.” “Well,” Mr. Right continued. “This is why this conference was needed. It started in the backdrop of lingering fears of death and destruction and blossomed into a forum to share ideas about life. How right the novelist Intizar Hussain was to rebuff sceptics who thought it improper to host the event at this time. Intizar insisted that it was the time to discuss things so profoundly affecting our society and lives of the people.” “Poets and authors of all hues came together to discuss concepts and creative ideas being presented in contemporary poetry and fiction and the role of literary criticism,” I said. “They included delegates from all over Pakistan and from countries such as the UK, Denmark, Bangladesh and Iran. Dr. Gopichand Narang and Dr. Shamim Hanfi, two scholars, and Iqbal Majeed, a fiction writer, addressed the gathering on telephone line from India. The conference showcased an international desire for a joint effort by writers from all nations for promoting peace and friendship despite unfavourable circumstances.” “It needs steely courage to oppose forces of destruction and profess love for those who are working for peace in the times of chaos and social confusion,” Mr. Right pointed out. “Hats off to Dr. Nazir Tabbasum who represented the NWFP. “I have come here to show that the continuing bomb attacks in our cities have failed to crush our will to survive and defeat the forces of violence,” the scholar said. Mr. Right said, “If on the one hand, journalist and TV personality Ghazi Salahuddin, fiction writers Masood Ashaar 229
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and Dr. Mustafa Kareem and poet Kishwar Nahid lamented about decay in society, the falling standard of the language in newspapers and TV and radio, inferior creative writings and the media’s neglect of writers, on the other hand, veteran documentary maker Ubaidullah Baig, senior journalist Farhad Zaidi and poet and translator Nasar Malik from Denmark painted a very rosy picture of Urdu’s future at home and abroad.” “A few of the experts even suggested recipes for success. Eminent media personality Agha Nasir offered licence to writers and media people to adopt popular trends freely and seek the help of ‘new media’ to expand Urdu’s frontiers of popularity,” I said. “But Intizar Hussain’s advice to fiction writers was different,” Mr. Right said. “He called for keeping the Western trends in quarantine for a while to neutralise their harmful effects. He himself, however, preferred to stick to Eastern traditions, as usual. Even writer Ahmed Hamesh failed to provoke Intizar to enter into an argument over his taunt about the latter’s faithful but fruitless adherence to the past.” “It was a lively ‘Adabi Mela’ coupled with a musical festival in the evening that kept the people of Karachi focused on art and culture for five days. But did it achieve anything worthwhile?” I asked Mr. Right. “Why not,” he replied. “In a country where people are fond of counting tombstones every now and then announcing the death of one thing or the other, the writers came together to let everybody know that they are not dead. And as Sahar Ansari, Masood Ashaar and Pirzadah Qasim told the concluding session, the writers would continue to share and express their collective wisdom to make life bearable in an atmosphere of intolerance and increasing violence.” “It shows how they are guided by their conscience,” I said. “Nobody can prevent the writer from speaking out and breaking the deathly silence. The conference, therefore, can be seen as the writer’s statement in Mark Twain’s words: ‘The reports of my death were highly exaggerated.” Khaleej Times November 25, 2009 230
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Turning into ‘Probistan’ With the continuing uncertainty, even Musharraf wants a Sherlock Holmes to tell him why some people are only interested in opposing everything!
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VERY other day there is a blast or a police muqabla (encounter) somewhere, more people die and investigators land new jobs, I said. Pakistan has become such a fertile land for probes these days that I am afraid that some might start calling it a ‘Probistan’. Even policemen in Punjab are demanding an investigation into the supply of inferior quality jackets that are failing to protect them from severe cold. “The matter is quite serious and definitely deserves a probe,” Mr. Right said. “It’s not about trivial things such as the shortage of atta (flour), disappearance of cooking oil from the market or frequent power cuts, it’s about the woes of police jawans who are suffering because of jackets of two types: one makes them fall ill and the other (of suicide bombers) targets them to kill. But I am sorry probes don’t lead us anywhere. Even in high profile murder cases such as that of a prime minister 60 years ago or that of a 231
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world-renowned painter recently, investigations have only reached a dead-end.” “No wonder,” I said, “Benazir’s party is insisting that her killing should be investigated by the UN. An indigenous inquiry committee or a commission is totally unacceptable.” “Fair enough,” Mr. Right said. “Actually, a commission is said to be productive only when it is paid into a bank account, otherwise it’s purposeless and unwelcome. Similarly, a committee is considered a group of the unfit appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary as they say.” “In that case,” I said, “the UN commission is the best bet. At least one can expect some result.” Mr. Right said it can be a good opportunity for the UN as well to restore its image as a trouble-shooter. “If it helps to unravel the BB murder mystery, people will forget its past failures to settle a number of important international issues.” “But Sir,” I reminded him, “you cannot deny its prompt probe into the Hariri murder case. It did find some black sheep.” “I know,” Mr. Right said with a smile, “the UN is good at finding sheep, but it usually overlooks the wolf on the prowl.” “Mr. Right,” I said, “you may have a point, but nations should be able to resolve their problems themselves. The problem is of maturity. It takes time.” “But the question is how much time does a nation require to attain maturity?” Mr. Right intervened. “Probably, it is another valid case for investigation!” “Of course,” I said, “there are so many ‘probe-able’ questions that the country should have a separate Ministry of Probes and Exposures. I don’t know if any political party has included this in its election manifesto.” Mr. Right said, “If you ask me, there should be a separate Directorate of Maturity and Mental Development in every ministry and provincial secretariat to promote maturity and rational thinking. It’s not democracy, it’s maturity which has 232
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failed to take roots in Pakistan. Maturity develops good sense, national outlook and respect for principles.” “But what should come first, democracy or maturity?” I asked. “There is no dearth of wise people who say that judiciary comes first as it guarantees everything from free flow of traffic on the most congested roads to completely fair elections in spite of a totally unfair election system.” Mr. Right smiled. “Then they should elect judges, not the politicians, as judges definitely are more mature. Democracy is like marriage which is a gift of adulthood. Democracy wedded to maturity produces children called equality, justice and tolerance. Without maturity, democracy remains childless and cheerless as there is no equality, no justice and no tolerance.” “In Pakistan’s case,” I said, “it is like a child marriage, a marriage without expectations and without responsibilities. God knows when all this will change!” Mr. Right said, “who knows the change is round the corner, hardly two weeks away. President Musharraf has assured that the elections would be held on time, no extension again. And you know he is a man of his word.” “But,” I said, “it will be another big ‘undemocratic’ blow to those who are running a campaign to boycott the elections. Their campaign will be cut short.” “Well,” Mr. Right said, “they can join hands with those who are taking part in the elections but are sure these are going to be rigged. When the elections are over, they all can launch a campaign against rigging and can even demand an investigation into the ‘engineered’ polls. The prospects are really bright for more mysteries and more investigations.” “I don’t want to see this happen,” I said. “The optimists will be greatly disappointed who think once democracy comes the country’s reputation will shoot up and prices will suddenly come down. I am not such a great optimist but still I believe that elections can help restore order in the country. 233
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With the continuing uncertainty, even President Musharraf wants a Sherlock Holmes to tell him why some people are only interested in opposing everything and indulging in ‘unhealthy’ exercises although the economy seems to be in good health.” Mr. Right said, “The answer is not easy my friend. But I can relate one of Sherlock Holmes anecdotes for you. Once he went with his friend Dr. Watson on a camping trip. After a good barbecue dinner, they went to sleep. At midnight, Holmes woke Dr. Watson up and said, ‘Look up and tell me what you can see?’ Dr. Watson looked up and said, ‘the sky is clear and the stars are bright. It’s a beautiful night. Do you have something else to say?’ Holmes replied, ‘Yes. Somebody has stolen our tent’.” Mr. Right paused for a moment and then said, “After whatever has been happening in Pakistan lately, I think the leaders there really need a Sherlock Holmes to tell them that somebody had stolen their tent — the tent of trust.”
Khaleej Times February 5, 2008 234
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A scarecrow in Benazir Bhutto’s farm When big leaders die, their followers are left with bigger questions to tackle
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ENAZIR’S killing has been termed yet another sacrifice by the nation for democracy in Pakistan, I told Mr. Right who was looking quite sombre. “Don’t you think the season of sacrifices is getting too long for the people?” I asked. “Why? The nation takes pride in piling up sacrifices. Only a couple of weeks ago, they were busy slaughtering sacrificial animals on Eid Al Adha. And they are never afraid of making human sacrifices too, thanks to ‘martyrdom made-easy’ exercises being offered voluntarily by various groups. That shows the spirit,” said Mr. Right. I said, “The killing of innocent people is sure to incur the heavenly wrath. God knows what BB’s death is going to bring about!” “The Scotland Yard team is already there,” Mr. Right replied. “When big leaders die, their followers are left with bigger questions to tackle. In BB’s case, the first question is who killed her, and the second one is who should be allowed to catch him. President Musharraf has called some UK 235
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experts, although the slain leader’s husband thinks that the case is beyond a Sherlock Homes. He wants a UN probe.” I said, “His demand is justified for two reasons: firstly, BB was such a great leader that her life and death are both matters of international attention. And secondly, because her husband knows it very well that investigations reach nowhere when things are done artfully.” Mr. Right said, “I know BB’s death has raised worldwide outcry, but the purpose for which she laid her life should not be forgotten. The first priority therefore should be a peaceful ‘transition to democracy’ in her own words. It’s time to pause and ponder and take steps to break a new ground for reconciliation. The nation cannot afford more martyrs.” I said, “I hope the country’s ‘martyr-makers’ — holy fighters and their unholy collaborators — are listening to your advice. Unfortunately, the past experience does not encourage any unguarded optimism.” Mr. Right said, “The responsibility now lies squarely on the shoulders of all those involved — the government, election managers and the political parties. They should not lose their cool and must create an atmosphere of political tolerance. A new thinking is needed to produce the desired results.” I said, “The seed for the new thinking has already been sown in the country’s political soil with the nomination of Bilawal as the new party chief.” Mr. Right said, “It was a timely move to save a legacy, an ideology, a party. When the harvest is ready, wise farmers put up a scarecrow to keep the birds away. Good job.” I explained, “It was necessary, you see. There were many things to be taken care of — a will, the issue of inheritance, the future of the party.” “I understand,” Mr. Right agreed. “After all, it’s the will which says which personal property — a house or a farm — should go to which person. I am happy that political parties 236
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are getting used to the transfusion of fresh blood. The example should be followed by others too. Let Sharifs, Chaudhrys, Fazals and others also explore this opportunity. This will give Pakistan’s politics at least some new faces.” I said, “I agree with you Mr. Right, after BB there is nobody you would look to. She was beautiful and looked more beautiful while speaking. Although Bilawal has been asked not to speak in public for the time being, one day he will speak like her mother. And no doubt he will be a good speaker.” Mr. Right said, “Sure he will, but he needs ripening like the Sindhri mango. That’s why I want him to learn diplomacy before dabbling in practical politics as both are two sides of the same coin.” “True,” I said, “ Bilawal has to learn to jump into troubled waters without making a splash as they say.” “I also don’t like politicians who eat fire,” Mr. Right continued, “even their smile does not please anybody as it only shows their teeth made of flint stone. I want a leader who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip as someone has said. Unfortunately, there are not many people who have this knack. As a result, every day, you hear things which are gems of indiscretion such as ‘Qatil League’ and all that which is being hurled in reply.” “Don’t worry Mr. Right,” I said, “Bilawal represents the new generation that will change all this. I hope he will learn diplomacy and discretion both. Fortunately, he can learn these skills—what to say and what not to say— at home.” “Yes, he can learn what to say from his late mother and what not to say from his father,” Mr. Right remarked.
Khaleej Times January 9, 2008 237
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‘Hopetitis’ is spreading Right judgments or right decisions have always been in short supply
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NEW era of hope has dawned in Pakistan after the country’s ‘mother of all elections’ delivered twin surprises — PPP and PML-N. One was right on target as an arrow while the other came riding on a lion, I told Mr. Right. “Now what do you say about doomsayers who had predicted rigging would rob the masses of their dreams.” Mr. Right replied, “Let’s forget doomsayers and talk about those who have promised to return the people their dreams.” “Sure,” I said, “the outcome of elections has raised hopes for a better tomorrow, free judiciary and people-friendly prices. PPP leader Asif Zardari, PML-N chief Nawaz Sharif and President Musharraf all have high hopes about the future. Even the sacked judges are hoping to get back their jobs.” Mr. Right said, “Judges have the full backing of PML-N and all those who don’t want to see poor lawyers getting kicked and dragged in the street by the police. Everybody wants the judges back except President Musharraf.” I said, “It’s wrong to say that President Musharraf is against judges. He fully respects the rights of judges provided they are ‘right judges’. He hopes that the PPP will stand by him on this 238
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issue in the true brotherly spirit of the ‘MoU’ (Mutual Offers Understanding) signed with him for reconciliation. He has also expressed his willingness to work with the new parliament even if it is unwilling to work with him. Isn’t it unfortunate that despite all his good intentions, the chorus against him is getting louder day by day. I hope he doesn’t give up?” “He will never give up.” Mr. Right said, “President Musharraf has full blown ‘Hopetitis’” “What is ‘Hopetitis,” I asked.“Is it another version of hope?” “No, there is a difference,” Mr. Right said. “Hope sees light at the end of the tunnel whereas in ‘Hopetitis’, one sees only light, no tunnel. Hope creates desire for things which are possible, while ‘Hopetitis’ develops a craze for the impossible. It’s a disease in which one does not want to face reality and clings to hope against hope for something.” I said, “The nation has now reached a stage when everybody, including leaders and their followers, must see the ground realities. I want political parties to make their priorities rational.” Mr. Right agreed. “People would never like to see PML-N’s ‘lions’ go wild and PPP’s ‘archers’ turn ‘arrowgant’. They want them to be pragmatic, flexible and realistic. Any policy which does not serve the ‘Pakistan first’ cause will only please the enemies of the country.” I said, “I hope the lawyers are not listening. They continue to insist: the judges first. And the PML-N itself is PMLNo, meaning no compromise on this issue. Nawaz Sharif wants to go down in history as the ‘liberator of judges’.” “Indeed,” Mr. Right agreed, “he deserves this honour and nobody should expect him to drag his feet now. Any change of heart on Nawaz Sharif’s part will break the hearts of millions of people who are waiting to see him exploit this God-sent opportunity to boost his image. For him, it will be an act of penance or ‘paraischit’ — as they say in Hindi movies — for the attack on the supreme court during his prime ministership.” “Good for judges, after all they need to be rescued,” I said. “I want the judges, who are mostly home-bound now, to return to their chambers so that the lawyers who are currently 239
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spending most of their time on the road could go home.” “In my opinion,” Mr. Right said, “the judges don’t need any political help to restore their dignity. Judges earn respect through their judgments, which should reflect their courage and character. But the past history has preserved few such examples.” “Don’t blame the judges only,” I said, “ this is the problem of the whole nation. Right judgments or right decisions have always been in short supply. Irrational and rash decisions, often taken in a hurry or under pressure, have made Pakistan a country that can afford to lose its elected prime ministers through military edicts and judicial verdicts.” “Don’t be emotional,” Mr. Right consoled me. “Democracy has finally arrived in Pakistan and things are certainly going to change drastically. Judges will soon come back and start giving good judgments.” “And what about others,” I asked. “Would it make the politicians honest, government servants dutiful, and people law-abiding. If they would start taking right decisions, and APDM, the so-called All Parties Democratic Movement would disband itself for boycotting the elections and turning itself into an All Parties Disappointment Movement.” Mr. Right said, “With democracy in full bloom, all hopes and aspirations of the people will be fulfilled.” “And what about the UFD — the ‘Un - Fulfilled Dreams’ of Unity, Faith and Discipline, three golden principles of Quaid-eAzam which need to be resurrected?” I asked. “Today, leaders need unity, people need faith and everybody needs discipline.” “Democracy will make everything possible,” Mr. Right stressed. “You will get everything — to eat, drink and be merry. There is enough money in banks and lots of opportunities for everybody. And parties in power will make the country ‘poor-free’. This will be their first priority.” “ Am I dreaming, Mr. Right?” I shouted, “or you too are suffering from ‘Hopetitis’?” He smiled and didn’t answer.
Khaleej Times March 9, 2008 240