Buzz Magazine: Feb. 9, 2012

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week of february 9, 2012

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Local places to take your S/O out!

5 condoms that make him squirm pg. 8

pg. 13

5 Ways Disney takes your innocence pg. 12

Still can't win him over with your personality?

Try these foods next! pg. 14

LOVE HURTS

Think you have an STI? Find out now! pg. 10

Sex Issue more on

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SHARE A SWEET DEAL WITH YOUR VALENTINE

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VOL10 NO 6

FEBRUARY 9, 2012

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Share a sweet deal with your valentine

IN THIS ISSUE THE REEL DEAL

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Unsimulated sex scenes

SLASH FICTION

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Arts & Entertainment

Do you like theater? Good, because reviews of this season’s hottest productions from companies such as the Goodman Theater, Steppenwolf, the Station Theatre and Krannert Center for Performing Arts are posted weekly on readbuzz.com. Just click on the Arts tab to check them out and head to the box office!

Music

Check out a new playlist and our review of the Jeff Mangum show from last Monday in Chicago. Wait, you guys didn’t get tickets? Well, you’ll all just have to experience the show vicariously through the show review. It’ll be just like you were there!

Except, not really. Not at all. Not even close. Sorry about that. Enjoy the review.

Food & Drink

In Jasmine’s column, she tells you how to get restaurant-favorites in the comfort of your own kitchen. Look for her newest tips, online Saturday.

Movies & TV

The Super Bowl sucks! Go look at our commercial recap and see why.

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The oh-so-steamy interview

This week, columnist Karolina answers Tina Turner’s famous question: what’s love got to do with it? Read as she explores a topic that has been written, sung, produced and marketed in every possible way, yet still manages to be unique.

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Your guide to this week’s events in CU

EDITOR’S NOTE DYLAN SUTCLIFF

Welcome to the sex issue! I thought long and hard about what I would write about and decided that, as per usual, a story was the best course of action. What follows is the locus of every one of my sexual experiences.

I was four years old, and my friend down the street — let’s call him John — had somehow gotten ahold of a pornographic magazine. The details on how are fuzzy, but I am inclined to say that his mother bought it for him at a local grocery store.

I didn’t question this behavior until years later when I could no longer ask John to clarify; however, I assume that she bought it without looking, thinking it to be something far more tame. Unfortunately for John and me, it wasn’t.

We were very confused. This was the first time I had seen a female figure, and while at four I had no vast preconceptions, the lack of penis (I used to call them wee-wees, I believe) alone scared the hell out of me. On top of that, the men in the magazine had huge junk, and of course, what weirded me out most was the sex itself. I still remember being shocked every time we looked over the pages, which was very often.

Somehow, we knew that if anyone found our most prized possession we would be in trouble, so we hid it behind a neighbor’s pile of wood where, if found, we would be very low on the list of suspects.

This remained a secret between the two of us until we decided to bring our other neighbor into the mix. We showed him the magazine, and he was terrified. I don’t recall if he ran away or stood his ground, but I remember thinking that we made a mistake, and we did.

Later that day, I was called into my parents’ room and told the jig was up; my neighbor told his mom that John and I had shown him pictures of naked girls, and she was furious. As a punishment (to this day, I remember my father laughing as he told me this), I had to go to my tattle-tale neighbor’s house and apologize to his mom, alone. It was awkward, but she wasn’t too mad. I assume that a blond, terrified and ashamed four-yearold on your doorstep is pretty cute, though. She couldn’t stay angry for too long.

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VALENTINE’S DAY

by Esteban Gast

TALK TO BUZZ

BUZZ STAFF

It’s the holiday that, like so many holidays, comes every year. There are a few noticeable exceptions (I’m looking at you, leap year... always have to be different). However, year after year, Valentine’s Day is the one holiday that causes grown men to cry out of fear and grown women to make up for that whole “no voting till 1920” thing by demanding all sorts of activities. Grievous activities such as watching Project Runway marathons hosted by Nathan Lane that put men in a position of embarrassment, mortification and all other words that mean the same thing: we have to do what you want.

Valentine’s Day — the holiday, not the awardwinning movie with the likes of Patrick Dempsey and Bradley Cooper, is a day to celebrate just how much your girlfriend can get away with. The list of demands grows larger by the year.

Buying dinner is great! I would buy you dinner every day if it were free and half the time you weren’t there and I was with friends. Flowers? I think they look better in the ground, but of course I can rip up the flowers in the University Arboretum and bring them to you.

Romantic movie? There’s some romance in Gladiator, but I understand you prefer She’s the Man. Honestly, so do I. Valentine’s Day is more than a holiday. It’s a celebration of a relationship where one person has all the power and makes decisions assuming his/her way is the best. Girls who ask for certain things to happen on Valentine’s Day and demand that absolute power — I ask you to consider someone else who thought they were doing the right thing: the captain of the Titanic.

COVER DESIGN Olivia La Faire COVER PHOTO Sean O’Connor EDITOR IN CHIEF Dylan Sutcliff MANAGING EDITOR Peggy Fioretti ART DIRECTOR Olivia La Faire COPY CHIEF Drew Hatcher PHOTOGRAPHY EDITOR Sean O’Connor IMAGE EDITOR Peggy Fioretti PHOTOGRAPHERS Sean O’Connor DESIGNERS Lucas Albrecht, Michael Zhang, Tyler Schmidt MUSIC EDITOR Adam Barnett FOOD & DRINK EDITOR Samantha Bakall MOVIES & TV EDITOR Nick Martin ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR Tracy Woodley COMMUNITY EDITOR Amy Harwath CU CALENDAR Joyce Famakinwa COPY EDITORS Sarah Alo, Casey McCoy ONLINE EDITOR Jessica Bourque DISTRIBUTION Brandi and Steve Wills PUBLISHER Lilyan J. Levant ON THE WEB www.readbuzz.com EMAIL buzz@readbuzz.com WRITE 512 E. Green St., Champaign, IL 61820 CALL 217.337.3801

We reserve the right to edit submissions. buzz will not publish a letter without the verbal consent of the writer prior to publication date. buzz Magazine is a student-run publication of Illini Media Company and does not necessarily represent, in whole or in part, the views of the University of Illinois administration, faculty or students. © ILLINI MEDIA COMPANY 2011

» Valentine’s Day: Yes, it may be the most commercialized holiday that exists, but, I still love it even though I will be alone and will have a ridiculous amount of work to do. Why, you ask? Because I cannot get over just how damn cute all the Valentine’s Day crap is at Target. I mean, have you SEEN the stuff they sell?

It should almost be illegal for plates/shower curtains/cups/bowls/towels/etc. to be that friggin’ cute. My mom is fully aware of my pink/red/white heart addiction and has actually taken the liberty of satiating my desire to buy all of it by sending me a VDay care package every year filled with cute pink/red/white heart accoutrements. Two years ago, in addition to all the VDay stuff, she also sent me a pink fuzzy blanket. It was the best.

GRIPES » Valentine’s Day: I also hate VDay. Nothing makes me want to gag more than couples who are tryna be extra cute and shit just on that day. Like, no, I don’t want to see you following a scavenger hunt to eventually find your bf/date/gf/whatever with a dozen roses or couples holding hands gettin’ all googly-eyed over some Chinese food. That was so 1998 — spare me. The only saving grace for VDay (besides cute household items) are super awkward couples that decided they wanted to start dating ON VDay and go out in public for my viewing pleasure.

Ever watch two people say nothing to each other for 30 minutes? Super entertaining.

SEAN O’CONNOR PHOTO EDITOR

LIKES

» Eavesdropping: The other night I went out on my porch and was treated to quite a show. The girl who lives in the building across mine left her window open, allowing me to watch her pick a booger, examine it closely on her fingernail and finally wipe it on the couch.

She noticed my gaze just in time to see me giving the thumbs up.

GRIPES » Being lonely: I’m probably going to die alone.

I often tell my friends and mother that I’ll never feel the warm embrace of a woman who loves me, which will drive me to move out west and grow a beard. I’ll probably burn my cash and social security card first, then report myself as a missing person in order to effectively fake my own death. I will raise several dogs in the deep wilderness of the Yukon and eat fresh salmon and wild berries. Happy Valentine’s Day! buzz

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arts

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entertainment

banned in the USA

The 10 Most Controversially Sexy Movies

by Tracy Woodley

T

hroughout the history of cinema, there have been directors and screenwriters who decide to push the envelope and shock the sensibilities of their viewers. Though gratuitous violence, religious satire and political commentary have frequently caused certain movies to be barred from public distribution, it is most often explicit sexual subject matter that causes films to be blacklisted and banned by censorship committees. Featuring everything from incest to rape to scatology, these ten films have caused much controversy since their release due to their graphic treatment of sexual behavior.

10. I am Curious (Yellow) (1967) This Swedish mockumentary from director Vilgot Sjöman follows Lena (played by Sjöman’s real-life lover Lena Nyman) as she goes around Stockholm interviewing strangers about subjects such as gender inequality, sexuality and social class. Lena is a theater student who lives with her father and keeps files on all the men she has slept with, and she decorates her room with pictures of Holocaust concentration camps and various dictators in order to remain constantly aware of human suffering. She meets and interviews the rightist Börje and begins an affair with him.

I am Curious (Yellow) was banned in some U.S. states as being pornographic because of the numerous candid sex scenes, but the ban on the film was later removed by the Supreme Court. Though the movie was a critical failure, it is now regarded as a defining work in the Swedish New Wave cinema movement of the ‘60s.

9. Last Tango in Paris (1972)

Used with permission from the Creative Commons

Italian director Bernardo Bertolucci directed this 1972 “romance” that stars Marlon Brando (in the twilight of his career) and Maria Schneider as Paul and Jeanne. The young Parisienne and bride-to-be Jeanne is apartment hunting when she meets Paul, an American widower who is interested in the same apartment that Jeanne wants. The two begin a tempestuous and fiery relationship, all without introducing themselves.

The film garnered an X rating by the Motion Picture Association of America upon its release because of the numerous nude (and animalistic) sex scenes. The film’s infamous butter scene (in which Paul uses the breakfast condiment as a lubricant) landed Bertolucci in Italian court on obscenity charges. Schneider later called Last Tango in Paris the biggest regret of her life.

8. The Night Porter (1974) Writer and director Liliana Cavani combines Nazism, sadomasochism and Stockholm Syndrome in this controversial Italian drama. Charlotte Rampling plays Lucia Atherton, a concentration camp prisoner during the Holocaust. While a prisoner, Lucia has a strange relationship with German SS officer Max Aldorfer. Max alternates between torturing Lucia in the camp and protecting her from the other guards. A decade after the end of World War II, Lucia runs into Max in Vienna at the hotel where he works as a night porter. They immediately fall back into their twisted sexual relationship.

The film received negative reception for its treatment of the Holocaust and the disturbing sexual themes presented.

Roger Ebert called the film “as nasty as it is lubricious, a despicable attempt to titillate us by exploiting memories of persecution and suffering.”

Used with permission from Lotar Film Productions

7. Pink Flamingos (1972) Known in the cult film world as the ‘Pope of Trash,’ director John Waters has been repulsing audiences with his films since the 1960s. Pink Flamingos, one of his most infamous movies, tells the tale of Babs Johnson (played by drag queen Divine, Waters’ most frequent collaborator) and her family as they compete for the title of “The Filthiest People Alive.”

Babs and her son Crackers engage in a series of perverse and shocking acts to achieve the award.

The film is highly absurd and involves everything from incest to coprophilia to rape, all the while billing itself as a black comedy. Censors were not amused, however, and the film received an NC-17 rating. Regardless, the film became a cult sensation and is a midnight movie classic.

6. In the Realm of the Senses (1976) Based on a real incident that took place in 1930s Japan, In the Realm of the Senses tells the story of Sada Abe, a former prostitute who moves to Tokyo and starts a new life as a hotel maid. Abe meets Kichizo Ishida, the hotel’s owner, and the two begin an intense and highly experimental (see: totally weird) sexual relationship. Passion soon turns into obsession, and Abe and Ishida grow infatuated with one another and obsessed with the act of erotic asphyxiation.

Director Nagisa Oshima knew the film couldn’t be made in Japan because of strict censorship laws, so he partnered with a French production company, and the film was officially released as a French production. Still, In the Realm of the Senses generated much controversy and was considered pornography due to the multiple scenes of unsimulated sex between the actors. The film premiered at the 1976 New York Film Festival and was banned in the U.S. immediately.

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Used with permission from Argos Films

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Sean is a coke addict, a Coca-Cola addict

5. I Spit on Your Grave (1978) Possibly one of the most violent movies ever made, I Spit on Your Grave is a revenge film starring Camille Keaton (Buster Keaton’s grand-niece).

Keaton plays Jennifer Hills, a young writer from New York who rents a cabin in the woods to work on her novel. She attracts the attention of a group of men in the nearby town, and the five of them decide to ambush her at the cabin. What follows are several scenes of brutal gang rape as the men attack Jennifer. But the horrors don’t end there. Jennifer recovers and goes on a rampage, tracking down and viciously murdering each of the men.

While it has generally been denounced as a disgusting and gruesome film, there are some film theorists who have examined I Spit on Your Grave as a feminist film, claiming it empowers women in its portrayal of revenge against sexual violence. The graphic and lengthy rape scenes, however, repulsed most film critics. The film was banned upon release in several countries, including Ireland, Germany, England, Canada and Australia.

This film could best be described as every parent’s nightmare. Written and directed by outsider filmmakers Harmony Korine and Larry Clark, Kids depicts a day in the life of New York City teenagers Telly and Casper. Over the course of the day, the two 15-year-old boys get drunk on malt liquor, use various drugs, beat a man to death and engage in unprotected sex. Telly has an obsession with deflowering virgins, and in one particularly uncomfortable scene, he talks a 12-year-old girl into sleeping with him. The movie also stars Chloë Sevigny and Rosario Dawson (who were 21 and 16 years old during filming, respectively) as Ruby and Jenny, two young girls who spend the day anxiously waiting for the results of an HIV text.

Larry Clark said he wanted to “make the Great American Teenage Movie, like the Great American Novel,” and Kids was filmed in a quasidocumentary style. The movie caused an outrage because of its frank depiction of children engaging in sexual activity, as well as the wanton drug use, date rape, violence and general debauchery. The film was initially rated NC-17 and has since been re-released without a rating. Many viewers accused Korine and Clark of creating child pornography and exploiting the young and non-professional actors.

3. Caligula (1979) It’s hard to understand why this movie was made. Essentially a pornographic biopic of the life of Gaius Caesar Germanicus, Caligula is one of American cinema’s biggest flops. Starring Malcolm McDowell as the Roman Emperor Caligula, the movie was written by Gore Vidal, co-financed

by Penthouse magazine, and is 156 minutes of explicit sex. Perhaps even more shocking is the fact that high-profile actors Peter O’Toole, Helen Mirren and John Gielgud were willing to act in such a movie.

Both Gore Vidal and director Tinto Brass have since disowned Caligula, and it was denounced universally by critics as being a complete disaster and a failed attempt at passing pornography off as cinema. Roger Ebert said it is one of the two movies he has walked out of in his career as a film critic and called it “sickening, utterly worthless, shameful trash.” The movie currently holds an X rating.

2. Salò, or the 120 Days of Sodom (1975) Pier Paolo Pasolini directed this film based on the Marquis de Sade’s 120 Days of Sodom. The movie is set in post-Mussolini Italy and focuses on a group of fascist aristocrats who kidnap 18 teenage boys and girls and trap them in a large house. The children are subjected to torture in the house for four months, including sexual violence. The film graphically depicts the depraved and disgusting actions taken out on the children, which include rape and murder.

Though the film is still banned in several countries, film personalities such as Martin Scorsese and Alec Baldwin have defended the film’s artistic merit. Salò has been heralded by some film historians as being an important film.

1. Deep Throat (1972)

In Gerard Damiano’s Deep Throat, Linda (played by Linda Lovelace) goes to a doctor to seek help for her very energetic sex life. She is frustrated because she finds herself sexually unsatisfied. The doctor diagnoses her with a rare condition — her clitoris is in fact located in the back of her throat. You can imagine how the rest of the movie goes, as Linda seeks to satiate her sexual appetite.

Though the film’s crew called Deep Throat a celebration of the right to free speech, the film was banned across the United States. The film is still highly controversial, and Lovelace later claimed she was forced into performing certain acts on camera against her will.

OBEY

4. Kids (1995)

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Kids. Used with permission from Guys Upstairs Salo. Used with permission from Produzioni Europee Associati

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MUSIC

sexy unsimulated sex

Highbrow movies with real sex scenes that aren’t porn

by Jamilia Tyler “Sex, like music, it’s a universal language. We want to use it to introduce character, evoke emotion, propel the plot.”

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o sayeth John Cameron Mitchell, writer and director of 2006’s Shortbus. Critical responses to Shortbus have deemed it a decidedly middling film. What is unique about the film, however, is the fact that it is a non-pornographic mainstream film that features several on camera, unsimulated sex scenes. In other words, unlike most films, the actors really do strip down and then get down with one another. These films are different from pornographic films by virtue of the sex scenes not solely being about sexual titillation.

Unsimulated sex in non-pornographic films was once very strictly prohibited by various selfimposed industry codes; like the famed Hayes Code of the mid-1900s. What this doesn’t mean is that unsimulated sex in films didn’t exist. Rather, films featuring explicit sex scenes were passed around in underground circles where they could be viewed without fear of either a fine or being blacklisted from the industry. Various films with unsimulated sex scenes were being produced in Denmark and Sweden in the late 1970s. They were considered mainstream films with mainstream casts and crew, and reviews of the films even went on to appear in mainstream and respectable newspapers.

The first American film to feature unsimulated sex scenes was the famed 1970s blaxploitation film Sweet Sweetback’s Baadasssss Song. Director/actor Melvin van Peebles appeared in several graphic scenes. He also went on to successfully sue for worker’s compensation for the sexually

movie review

the iron lady

It would be unfortunate to say that the only good thing about Phyllida Lloyd’s The Iron Lady is that Meryl Streep delivered yet another amazing performance. Therefore, I will not do that. I will also say that the art design was exquisite. Okay, I said two things, and that’s about it.

The Iron Lady is a film about Margaret Thatcher, the first female Prime Minister of England. Her struggles with a male-dominated parliament and a country in economic disarray are both subjects that the film brings up but inevitably glazes over quickly. No, this film is about old age and dementia. What happened to Margaret Thatcher after she stepped out of the limelight, and how does she deal with the pain of memory loss and the death of loved ones?

The film attempts to detail the pain of her dementia through a series of flashbacks which take us through her political career from her first election to her eventual leaving of office. The flashbacks, while interesting, give us little understanding of her thinking beyond the fact that she was a driven woman in a man’s world.

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transmitted disease he contracted during the film. 1979’s Caligula was the first American movie featuring mainstream actors (Peter O’Toole and Helen Mirren) to have an unsimulated sex scene. None of the mainstream actors performed in these scenes. Rather, several adult entertainers were hired to have sex in an orgy and other sex acts. Unsurprisingly, every actor and producer of the film denounced it after the critical backlash, except for major backer Penthouse. They thought it was pretty good.

Films featuring unsimulated sex were few and far between in the 1980s, except for a few rather obscure European films, until controversial director Lars von Trier created a Danish film, The Idiots, in 1998. The film features several unsimulated scenes of both group sex and penetration. This brought on a wave of films featuring unsimulated sex in the late 1990s to today. French director Catherine Breillat really raised the bar in terms of acts performed in her 1999 film Romance. In it, a young woman named Maria goes on a sexual odyssey that includes scenes of unsimulated penetration, sadomasochistic bondage and male/female masturbation.

The most mainstream film to have an unsimulated sex scene in America would be 2003’s The Brown Bunny and the aforementioned Shortbus. In one infamous scene in The Brown Bunny, indie darling Chloë Sevigny performs unsimulated fellatio on director/ actor/writer Vincent Gallo. The film was an unmitigated disaster. At its Cannes premiere, the film was met with booing and walkouts en masse. Sevigny reportedly left the showing in tears, and Gallo entered a war of words with film critic Roger Ebert, who called the film the worst film in the history of Cannes. Shortbus, on the other hand, was met with tepid praise. Some felt the sex scenes emphasized

The rest of the film attempts to brings us into Thatcher’s mind through a series of tilted camera angles, strange lighting and hallucinations of loved ones which would seem tragic if they were not so cheesy and predictable. The biopic is the part of the film which is truly interesting, and yet, it seems as if this was edited in an attempt to remove it from the film altogether; whittling it down to the bare minimum.

All that said, Meryl Streep does deliver a truly powerhouse performance despite the film’s flaws in other areas. Playing an elderly senile woman, we quickly forget the fact that she is wearing age makeup and believe her entirely in the role. Streep truly creates a three dimensional character so that no matter where in her life we are looking, we can see the unified traits and mannerisms that make her one fluid character.

Yet, despite this powerful performance, the film ultimately does not live up to its full potential. Compelling source material is not enough to make up for poor stylistic and pacing choices.

Used with permission from the creative commons

the loneliness of being a young person in New York, and others merely thought them boring.

It appears that as the boundaries of what is acceptable on film are continually being pushed more and more, films featuring unsimulated

sex, the final film frontier, will be produced.

Who knows? Maybe one day the next Michael Bay explosion fest will feature Shia LaBeouf performing the beast with two backs with the next hot girl du jour. Personally, I think I’ll pass.

by Adam Dreyfuss PG-13

★★✩✩✩

Used with permission from Pathe Productions Ltd.

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She’s a go liver!

sexy slash fiction — adults only!

Week of Fri., Feb. 10 through Thurs., Feb. 16, 2012

The Artist (PG-13) From a 35mm print Fri: (5:00), 7:30 PM | Sat: (2:30), (5:00), 7:30 PM Sun: (5:00), 7:30 PM | Mon & Tue: 7:30 PM Wed: (2:30), (5:00) | Thur: 7:30 PM

Erotic fan-fiction inspired by your favorite shows!

The Room (R)

From a 35mm print, $5 admission Fri, Sat, Tue & Thu: 10:00 PM

Opera: II Trittico

From the Royal Opera House Digital Presentation Sun: 1:00 PM | Tue: 4:00 PM

by Nick Martin

W

ARNING! The following article is very weird, for adults only and NSFW (unless you work at a college newspaper).

Slash fiction is fan fiction with hot, passionate boning. The name’s origin derives from StarTrek nerds who wrote homoerotic Captain Kirk/Docotor Spock sex stories (notice the slash?) where the men explore the final frontier of each other’s butts. buzz values slash-fic as a burgeoning literary genre; we want to provide fans of other TV shows with the most satisfying ways to get off. Get ready, and go away, children! These letters are about to get hot.

Remember: please keep your sex smackies lubed and sticky for optimal reading pleasure.

Seinfeld Jerry: What’s the deal with female ejaculation?

Elaine: I don’t know. I’ve never “drained the lady vein,” if you know what I mean. Have you ever turned a woman into Ol’ Faithful?

Jerry: Unfortunately, no. I mean, there’s been splashing — maybe wading — but never enough to necessitate a clean-up sponge. **Kramer bursts through the door** Kramer: I am addicted to Oragel!

Jerry: What? That stuff you put in your mouth for a toothache?

Kramer: Not just the mouth, buddy. Anywhere you want to feel tingle. Anywhere... sensitive. **raises eyebrows** Elaine: Have you ever put it on a woman’s... **gestures** Kramer: Oh, yeah! Worked so well she turned into a garden sprinkler; it peeled back my wallpaper.

Elaine: That’s what we were just — That’s it — KMan, it’s your lucky day. Make me a Super-soaker!

Jerry: I’ve gotta see this.

Kramer: Giddy up! **Elaine strips. Kramer squeezes the Oragel, drenching Elaine’s vulva. Kramer pounds his rock hard pole into Elaine** Jerry: What’s the deal with double penetration? **Jerry and Kramer take turns with each of Elaine’s holes, whilst reaching around to fondle each other’s loins. Newman enters** Newman: Can I join?

Elaine: No, but you may watch. **Newman masturbates furiously as the gang ascends into a glorious mutual climax. George enters.

At the exact moment, Elaine erupts her lady-cum** George: Why is everyone naked? Why is Elaine’s beautiful chestnut hair drenched in lady-cum?

Did you guys have a gangbang? And I missed it?

Great! I missed the orgy! I stop for gum, and I miss my life’s only chance at group sex.

Elaine: **naked, sweaty and panting** Got any gum?

Used with permission from the creative commons

I Love Lucy “Lucy, I’m home!” shouts Ricky Ricardo. “Just a second, Ricky, I’m masturbating myself with a big black dildo,” says Lucy, while she masturbates herself with a big black dildo. “Prepare yourself for a Cuban Missile Crisis!” yells Ricky.

“I thought you were Mexican,” Lucy replies.

“Not according to Wikipedia!” Ricky quips.

The crowd erupts into laughter. Lucy rips her shirt off and squeezes her breasts like she’s crushing grapes. She forces Ricky’s pants open and begins sucking his Eisenhower. “Shove it in there like a bunch of different chocolates!”

Ricky commands. Ricky pulls out and finishes in Lucy’s nose; she puckers her cheeks in a silly face. “Awww!” the crowd cheers. Fred bursts through the door: “Ethel won’t let me bump her in the rump, Rick!” Ethel follows, “I’m not letting you put anything in my rump, Fred Mertz, no ifs, ands or butts about it!” The crowd snorts. “You can put it my behind!” Lucy offers. The men agree and take turns ramming Lucy’s starfish.

The crowd erupts into hysterical laughter. Another iconic TV moment. I Love Lucy, the title card reads, bordered with a heart.

Breaking Bad CAUTION! BIG SEASON FOUR SPOILERS! Skyler White stands in the middle of her living room pointing a gun at Jesse Pinkman’s head.

“Are you responsible for introducing my husband to crystal meth?” “Yeah,” Jesse replies, “but that’s not the reason he hired me to assassinate you, bitch.” Skyler’s surprise makes her drop the gun. “He hired you to assassinate me?” Skyler’s voice trembles. “Yeah, said you were stealing all his money. I was gonna do it, but looks like you got the jump on me. Go ‘head, shoot me, bitch.” Skyler is stunned. “I have no reason to kill you now — Walt hired me

to kill you because you were getting careless.”

Jesse figured everything out: “So Mr. White was trying to get us to kill each other?” He screamed in rage. Skyler looked at Jesse’s pants: “Whip it out. Fuck me right now. Remember how much it hurt him when I fucked Ted?” Jesse was aprehensive. “He watched your girlfriend die!” Skyler screams, “Sexual betrayal is your only hope for revenge!” Jesse agreed; Skyler pushed his head hard between her legs. As they humped, Skyler begged, “Fuck me with your gun!” Jesse was taken aback. “No way... that’s way past a morally ambiguous, shades-of-grey thing to do.”

Skyler grimaced, “He poisoned your girlfriend’s son! You were exactly right!” Jesse started fucking her with the gun. At that second, Walt walks in the room. In a twitch of surprise, Jesse shoots Skyler in the vagina. “Did you just shoot my wife in the vagina?” Walt asks. Before Jesse answers, Walt shoots him in the head. Then he shoots Skyler. Walter White examines the scene and contemplates the man he has become. “I think I feel my cancer coming back,” Walt says. “I’ve been feeling really cancer-y lately.”

Anti-Marijuana PSA “This is your brain,” says an authoritativesounding Man holding an egg, ”...and this is your brain on drugs.” The Man cracks the egg and fries it in a pan. Suddenly, The Man takes the scalding yolk and pours it on his penis; he becomes erect. “This is me mind-fucking you with facts and statistics!” yells The Man, smashing the egg deep into his foreskin. “Don’t ask questions! Marijuana kills people! I’m about to cum! Get me paper towels! Do as I say!” The Man ejaculates a bitter concoction of hatred, isolation and lies. An intern mops it up. SMOKERS ARE JOKERS! Jersey Shore “Hey! Do you guys want to have smush me?” says Sammi Sweatheart to her Italian stallion housemates. “Sure!” say the bros. Then everyone has sex. “Do you want to have sex with me?” asks J Wow Woww. “Ok!” say the brews. Then everyone has sex. “Will you smush with me?” asks Snooki Palooza. Everyone gets silent; an ambient drone pervades the room.

Snooki starts crying, then sobbing, then mutilating herself with a plastic picnic knife. “Please stop!” shout the brahs, “We’ll do it!” Then everyone has sex. “Now smush me!” shouts New Girl Deena, standing naked with a chicken bone in her vagina. “No.” everyone resounds. Cut to a PSA where Ronny explains the importance of No Means No.

Bicycle Dreams (NR) One night only! Documentary.

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MUSIC

The condom olympics buzz tests the aesthetics, slipperiness, strength and taste of condoms Article by Adam Barnett; experiments by Adam Barnett, Dan Durley, Dan Malsom and Jon Tracey

Mr. Barnett taste-testing an orange-flavored condom Photo by Dan Malsom

B

efore I begin the recollection of this study, let me start by stating that the following experiments in no way prove the effectiveness of any one type of condom. There were plenty of limiting factors to our process including the number and variety of condoms available to us, general bias and the use of a stuffed monkey instead of a human subject. That said, let’s begin!

Set up //

My colleague Dan Durley set out for Walmart in the evening of Saturday, Feb. 4 to purchase condoms for the experiment. The transaction was flawless — we had condoms for our condom competition.

Combined with my personal stash, our collection included the following: » Durex Select Flavours: Banana (Standard condom, yellow, banana flavored) » Durex Select Flavours: Orange (Standard condom, orange color and taste) » Lifestyles Ultra Lube Plus (Standard condom, typically passed out for free, extra lubricant) » Trojan Intense Ribbed Ultrasmooth Lubricant » Premium (Somewhat wide condom with several large ribs) » Proper Attire (Package with maple leaf, standard 8

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blue condom) » Lifestyles Tuxedo Black (Black, regular condom) » Durex Extra Sensitive (Normal condom) » Durex Her Sensation (Small ribs with tiny bumps) » Lifestyles Ultra Sensitive (Generic, thin, typically passed out for free) » Durex PleasureMax (Pink, smells like strawberry) » Naturalamb (Lambskin with quite visible markings of veins — ew) These condoms were to be put through different trials testing aesthetics, taste, durability and slickness. Donning lab coats, Mr. Durley and I entered my apartment with photographer Dan Malsom and friend Jon Tracey eager to discover any information we could about what might be the best condom in each category.

Test One // Monkey’s Big Night — Aesthetics

Our test subject for this stage was Hanz, a sock monkey of unknown origins. In order to simulate an erection, Hanz’s tail was pinned through his legs as we placed Hanz on a bean bag for stability. Hanz’s tail served as a perfect phallus for our condoms.

The first condom tested was our Proper Attire.

What seemed like a nice, deep sky blue on its own

turned into a pale, unnatural sleeve when placed on Hanz’s tail. Had the tail been an actual penis, it would’ve looked sick and generally unappealing.

Thus on a scale from one to ten, we bestowed upon it a score of five.

Next was our orange-flavored contender. Though it and its banana counterpart serve a more flavorful purpose, their colors seemed to be a perfect fit for our little fashion show. Upon its placement on Hanz, Mr. Durley commented on its “super lubed” quality.

The lubricant provided a nice sheen that complemented its already bright tone. Hanz appeared to be having the time of his life; this was definitely a fitting condom for parties and semi-formal gatherings, a healthy seven-out-of-ten.

Aptly named, Lifestyles’ Tuxedo Black offered exactly what you’d expect: a cool, black condom for more formal and professional occasions (a job interview, perhaps). So it might be expected when we say that this condom was our definite winner.

Despite being rolled the wrong way initially (who hasn’t tied a tie incorrectly once or twice?), Hanz’s member appeared longer, slimmer and much more confident clad in its sharp “coxedo.” A perfect ten.

While our banana, ribbed and extra sensitive makes didn’t quite compare, I will say that the Banana was a close second with a score of eight; the smell and color provided Hanz with the perfect, tropical “banana hammock.”

However, the Ribbed appeared awkward and disproportionate, not ideal in situations where you want to look your best. The standard Durex Extra Sensitive is definitely a build for those on-the-go moments, but it’s nothing special.

Throughout this round, Hanz displayed an unexpected level of professionalism, and I would like to thank him at this moment for his cooperation before we recollect the events of Test Two.

Test Two // Mm… Mm… Condoms— Taste

I tend to hold my taste buds in high regard.

Certain foods and flavors seem to affect me more than my friends and acquaintances, which is why I took it upon myself to judge the flavors of some of our latex subjects.

It’s a well-known fact that olfaction constitutes a large portion of our sense of taste. However, even though a substance like soap might hold a pleasant odor, most people abhor its taste. Such was the case of Durex’s orange-flavored condom. While it maintained a subtle but calming citrus aroma, its taste was barely a cut above bland, and the flavor of latex clearly overpowered the intended orange.

While the Proper Attire blue condom had no indicated flavor, it was essential to the experiment to keep some sort of “control group” or a definite medium, and I thought to myself, “Perhaps Proper Attire coated it with a surprise blueberry flavoring.”

Upon chewing it, I acknowledged that my wishes were quite silly; this was just a plain, blue condom coated with excess amounts of flavorless lubricant.

It reminded me of chewing on a rubber glove as an

infant. Though it was flavorless, reminiscing of my earlier years provided me with a warm, comfortable feeling, and when comparing it to the disappointing experience of Orange, it was a lot better than expecting something and being wholly let down.

The Banana, however, was a complete surprise.

Rarely do I like the taste of bananas (or condoms for that matter), but while banana Laffy Taffys make me gag, the banana condom was sweet, slightly tangy and bursting with flavor; it would make a delightful, long-lasting afternoon snack.

Test Three // The CU-500… of Condoms — Slipperiness, speed

This test required a bit of quick thinking, finesse and cleverness provided by Mr. Malsom. While we originally intended to have condoms race down a slope, certain condoms’ shapes were unsuitable for steady downhill motion. Thus, Mr. Malsom suggested we roll condoms down a set of five concrete steps, a much more suitable setting for our slippery (and some not-so-slippery) friends.

Before we began our mini bracket-based tournament, we filled each condom with approximately equal amounts of water and tied them as we would balloons. We then paired off each condom to participate in the following races: Round One: » Race 1: Trojan Ribbed vs. Durex Her Sensation While both condoms finished the course, Her Sensation completed it in a much shorter time frame, earning it a spot in the next heat. » Race 2: Lifestyles Banana vs. Orange You would assume that the only difference between the two builds is flavor, right? But a race brings out qualities you wouldn’t expect from condoms. Banana sprinted ahead for a quick lead and win, but Orange proved that it was a distance man, as it accelerated to reach a much further distance than Banana in a shorter time frame. However, this race had specific parameters, and Banana was the clear victor. » Race 3: Naturalamb vs. Durex Extra Sensitive In the vein of the previous race, Naturalamb dashed forward for an early lead, but a lack of lubricant forced it to freeze mid-step. Ultimately, slow and steady won the race as our Extra Sensitive crossed over the final step to win the race.

First-round bye: Durex PleasureMax While we could not assess the skills of PleasureMax offhand, it carried the best scent of any other contender, and thus we gave it a bye from the first round.

Semifinals: » Race 1: Durex Her Sensation vs. Lifestyles Banana

By Round Two, the ability to maintain a slippery coat proved crucial to the advancement of the condoms. Her Sensation earned an easy victory over Banana as Banana spun out early in the race, allowing Her Sensation to take its time as it slowly rolled down the final step to the finish line. » Race 2: Durex Extra Sensitive vs. Pleasuremax

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Let me be clear. Vampires do not exist.

This race was hard to predict given Pleasuremax’s initial bye. Extra Sensitive’s slow-andsteady mentality brought on its first win, but would this help in every instance? Apparently not — Pleasuremax’s slim and even form provided it with exceptional balance and momentum as it beat Extra Sensitive in a landslide victory. » Race for Third: Durex Banana vs. Extra Sensitive Demoralized and exhausted from the day’s events and losses, neither participant finished the race. However, as Banana spun out-ofbounds, it was immediately disqualified, and third place was awarded to Extra Sensitive.

Championship: Durex Pleasuremax vs. Her Sensation: While a championship race should be an exciting event for which you can cheer with your whole family, the race was over before it started. It was clear that the crowd favorite Pleasuremax

would annihilate Her Sensation with its adept shape, and it did. With very little to say due to humility or raw exhaustion, Pleasuremax accepted its bestowal of “Champion of the Condom Race” and retired to its chamber.

Test Four // Shower Showdown — Durability

Perhaps the most important and indicative trial, testing strength and stretch, the Shower Show-Down required the skill of our waterproof friend Mr. Jon Tracey. Mr. Tracey placed condoms over a showerhead with actively flowing water while I used a stopwatch to measure how long it took for individual condoms to fill and burst or slip. While we acknowledge that slipping is not the same as bursting per se, we agreed that slipping and bursting are both equally negative aspects of a condom during sexual intercourse, and thus we continued with the experiment.

Interestingly enough, the clear winner was the underdog of the evaluation. Lifestyles Ultra Sensitive condoms are frequently passed out for free by organizations like Planned Parenthood as seemingly cheap, accessible methods of protection, somewhat of an it’s-better-than-nothing approach.

Just as “lubed-up” as the average competitor, it was the only condom to pass the minute mark, beating out second place by almost half a minute.

Who woulda thunk it?

Here are the results for each individual condom in minutes (m) and seconds (s): » Durex Select Flavours: Banana – 43.20 s » Lifestyles Ultra Lube Plus – 13.20 s » Trojan Intense Ribbed Ultrasmooth Lubricant Premium (Slipped) – 18.60 s » Proper Attire: Blue (Slipped) – 13.90 s » Durex Extra Sensitive – 38.58 s » Durex Her Sensation – 58.67 s

» Lifestyles Ultra Sensitive – 1 m, 21 s » Durex Pleasuremax – 43.28 s » Naturalamb – N/a* *Naturalamb would not stretch to fit the showerhead, and thus results could not be recorded

Conclusion //

While these tests might not prove anything at all (especially when compared to actual results referencing sexual intercourse), they definitely provide a glimpse into several different styles and types of condoms for a plethora of situations and settings. There are so many factors to consider when purchasing forms of contraception, and if anything, we hope this was able to shed light on a few of them.

Now that you’re armed with some knowledge and insight — in honor of Valentine’s Day and the art of faux-science — go get ‘em, Tiger.

inside the sex and porn industry Illini Arcade employee discusses trends and toys

by Hillary Waldstein

T

here’s a fair amount of eavesdropping that takes place at little local cafés, and it’s a fair bet the diners at Café Kopi never expected to hear tidbits of tapes, toys and trends in the sex world over their cappuccinos on Friday afternoon. As I sauntered through the café in search of my subject, I expected to come across a fish-netted, glitter-cleavaged sexpot, but what I found instead was Alena (last name withheld at request of the interviewee). She’s a North Carolina native who not long ago was studying art and actively participating in her campus LGBT group.

And then a little over a year ago, a friend of a friend mentioned Illini Arcade was looking for someone who was neither strange nor squeamish, and she got the job. She’s now more sexually well-versed and certainly well-vibed than the small town girl she once was ever could have imagined. » buzz: How has business changed since you began stocking blu-ray? Why do you think people buy the DVDs rather than download off the internet?

Alena: I can’t say that I know too much about it because I don’t actually download porn; I’m surrounded by it, so I don’t need to. Downloading porn is the easiest way to pick up a virus. A lot of the people who buy DVDs are terrified of that prospect, so they come to us. Another reason that people buy the DVDs is because they share their computer — like husbands with their wives and children. We also have people who have no privacy at all, like they live with their mom, so they come and view movies at the store. We have something called preview booths where customers can pick whatever DVD they want, and for a price, they can sit in the booth and watch.

The booths get bleached every day, of course.

People buy the DVDs because it provides instant gratification. You can play them on your Xbox. You can lend them to friends. A lot of guys buy parody movies and put them on at parties on mute so

Head over to the Illini Arcade to spice up your Valentines Day. Photo by James Kyung

there’s something silly on the TV for two hours.

There was a group of guys who made a drinking game centered around the porn. » buzz: Who makes up the clientele that buys your DVDs? A: The people who have access to streaming Internet don’t buy the DVDs. DVDs are sold mainly to the older customers or people who don’t have a computer. This may come as a surprise, but it’s the lower income bracket people who are buying the DVDs. Not everybody has a computer, but everybody has a TV. And if you have children, you probably have a DVD player or an Xbox. But most of the people who come to use the preview booth are the ones with young children or no privacy. » buzz: What type of porn do you find most popular?

A: Around here? You’re going to laugh. MILF porn. Cougars are popular. » buzz: Why do you think that is?

A: I think it’s because of the fad in younger men/ older women relationships, or at least the fascination with them. The fact that it is out there in the media makes it popular. » buzz: Do you think porn is affecting the way

people have sex?

A: Girls are more aware that things are possible because even if we don’t watch the porn, we’re exposed to porn stars and what they can do. I don’t want to say pressure, but it’s knowledge that things are possible that we wouldn’t have thought of on our own. There’s a great line of instructional DVDs and romantic softcore called New Sensations Romance. They care about lighting and story and costuming and whether or not the actors are attractive. Finding a straight male porn star who’s good-looking is hard to do. » buzz: What toys are most popular at the store?

A: Well, what do you want it to do? That’s the thing. Not only do we have 75 different vibrators — everybody’s looking for something different. Anything that you could want to do with yourself or somebody else, we have that. And we probably have a book to tell you how. » buzz: Any personal favorites?

A: I personally like the cult turbo bullet. They call it turbo for a reason. The best vibrator we have right now ... that’s a tough one. I’m going to say the Silicone Romance Vibe. It’s flexible,

easy to clean and can do many things. We also have these fleshy feeling vibrators called Bendys; they’re bendable. We have toys that feel like a real person. We have a lot of products for guys, like vibrating cock rings. We have something called the Sue Johanson Head Honcho. It’s a masturbation sleeve for men. We now have remote control butt plugs, our best anal toy ever. We have something where you can make a vibrator out of your boyfriend’s penis. It’s super popular for military boys.

We have candies such as life-size penis lollipops.

There’s something for everyone. » buzz: What are some current trends you’ve been noticing?

A: Anal toys and anal porn is becoming more popular because it’s no longer that only dirty girls do it. Girls have been buying bondage gear as club accessories like handcuffs to hang from their belt loops. I think it’s adorable. We have gold, sparkly, leopard-print cuffs. They’re amazingly cute and not terribly expensive... » buzz: Tell me about your clientele. Who are they, and what is their experience like at the store?

A: 80% of the DVD customers are male. About 75% of the toy customers are female customers or couples. It’s hard to work there if you don’t have a sense of humor. You get some laughs. There are people who don’t know what they want. And there are people who know what they want but are too embarrassed, and you have to draw it out of them.

It has become a lot more acceptable for women to go to the sex store. We’re well-educated, well-lit and we’re not creepy or strange. » buzz: Do many U of I students come by the store?

A: Oh yeah, lots. A sex expert came to Allen Hall and gave a speech recently. That brought a horde of kids in last Thursday. They had a blast. They stayed for an hour, and we did product demos…

For more info on Illini Arcade, go to its Facebook page at: http://www.facebook.com/IlliniArcade buzz

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the birds, the bees and those nastylooking red bumps All you ever wanted to know about STDs

by Karolina Zapal “At your age, you’re going to have a lot of urges.

You’re going to want to take off your clothes and touch each other. But if you do touch each other, you WILL get Chlamydia...and die.” The urge part may be right on the money, but the rest of the Mean Girls quote is inaccurate; Chlamydia is one of the easiest STDs to cure but also affects many sexually active females. Other STDs like herpes, HPV and HIV/AIDS plague men and women alike, especially ages 15-24 (yes, that means college students, too), who are most prone to these bacterial/viral infections. According to Sarah Glazer, “The United States has the highest rate of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) of any industrialized nation.” Ouch. Here are a few symptoms and remedies for each: Chlamydia: Since Chlamydia is a bacterial sexually transmitted infection, it can be treated and cured. Symptoms include oddly colored vaginal or penile discharge as well as burning during urination; symptoms usually appear between 7 and 21 days after exposure. Signs are often unrecognizable, so it is a good idea to get tested yearly.

Testing for this bacterial infection requires a urine

sample 2-3 weeks after exposure and can be done at McKinley Health center. Treatment consists of completing prescribed medication.

Genital Herpes: Men and women are both affected by this sexually transmitted virus. Oftentimes, the absence of symptoms makes it easy to pass on to a partner. If you don’t know you have it, neither will your partner until one of you shows signs of the incurable virus. The most common signs of herpes are painful blisters and sores in the affected area that last two to four weeks. The most effective way to diagnose genital herpes is by getting blood work done or using a swab on the active sores. There is no cure, but many treatments are available to soothe the blisters as well as reduce the risk of passing the virus to a partner.

HPV: This is the most popular STD among college populations! What a winner we have accepted to the university, huh? The symptoms of HPV, which appear 3-6 months after exposure, are genital warts and itching and burning around the genitals. Diagnosis includes a visual exam for both men and women, usually 3 months after exposure. HPV is a viral infection, so it cannot be

cured; treatments are available to hide warts, although one can pass the virus during skin-to-skin contact even without the outward presence of bumps. As with all the other STDs mentioned here, the infection can be passed on from mother to baby as well.

HIV/AIDS: This is the most dangerous of the sexually transmitted diseases and can be passed during vaginal, anal and sometimes oral sex, as well as contact with an infected person’s blood. Symptoms like weight loss, diarrhea, swollen lymph glands, purple bumps on skin and reoccurring yeast infections can appear as soon as several weeks or as late as a few years after exposure. To get tested for HIV, blood work is done 12 weeks after exposure. HIV has no cure and usually develops into AIDS, which weakens the immune system until a body can no longer fight off infection.

Used with permission from The Hidden Collection and the Creative Commons

frisky business Fetishes are more common than you think

by Erin Maturo

Y

ou’re walking down the street and you pass a member of the opposite sex.

His/her cut-off pants expose much of his/her calves, and you have to stop for a moment to catch your breath. You gaze longingly at the perfectly chiseled muscles above his/her ankles, and you begin to drool. Then you think to yourself: “I have a problem.”

If you have been in the situation described above with any specific body part, idea or even creature, chances are you have what is commonly known as a fetish. Dictionary.com gives the psychological definition of a fetish as “any object or non-genital part of the body that causes a habitual erotic response or fixation.” I think it is important to assess fetishes — you never know what your Valentine’s date this year might be into.

One might be quick to jump to the conclusion that fetishes are uncommon. Our culture definitely has a negative view of fetishists. Let’s think for a moment about what kind of sex is “permissible” by cultural standards: heterosexual, monogamous sex in the bedroom. Sadomasochism 10

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(S&M), threesomes, orgies and multiple sex partners are often frowned upon. This could partly explain why fetishes, which seem to exist outside “the norm,” are often stigmatized.

Because fetishes have been characterized as “against the norm,” fetishists might feel that they have a problem. However, fetishes are more common than you would expect. Let me explain the top five most common fetishes according to Discovery Health: 5. Body Piercings This fetish is centralized around pierced body parts. This can include common piercings such as ears and belly buttons but more commonly is associated with nipple and genital piercings.

Often, imagining the piercing process turns the fetishist on.

4. Hair This fetish is most common among men, and often they pick their partners based only on their hair. However, women often have facial hair fetishes. A hair fetish can also be associated with the feeling of hair all over the body or even using

the hair during a sexual act.

3. Leather As leather has been increasingly associated with sex, many more people have become fixated on it. Leather can be used in many ways: masks, costumes, gloves, etc. And leather fetishists cannot get enough of it.

2. Shoes The most common shoe fetish exists among men and has to do with women wearing heels during sex. Experts think this fetish has to do with where the shoe leads: up the leg and to the genital area.

1. Feet The International Journal of Impotence Research published a study that Used with permission from ButterflySha and the Creative Commons found feet to be the most fetishized body part. Almost half of thousands of survey re- misconceptions about fetishes have been cleared spondents chose them over other listed fetishes, up. Fetishes are quite common despite what our including boobs and butts! cultural norms tell us. Maybe now we’ll all be So whether you’re a fetishist or not, I hope some more open-minded when it comes to the bed-

readbuzz.com february 9 - 15, 2012

Olivia wants to make out with this issue

LIKE HUMANS DO Some animals that might sext you back

by Dylan Sutcliff

W

e’ve written a lot on how humans interact with sex, but what about the rest of the animal kingdom? The variables are widely spread, and all the facts are not in, but over the past few decades, scientists have learned quite a lot about the sexual behavior of numerous different species. If you’re looking for fun, cute or disgusting animal facts to drunkenly tell people at parties, this is the article for you!

Like The Notebook Taught Us Monogamy in animals or, the cases that inspire “Aww” and “So cute!” from so many. Everyone’s heard that when two Swans bone, they bone for life. According to a variety of reports, however, this may not exactly be true. Apparently, many in the animal kingdom that were once thought to be trustworthy mates are just as deplorable as my uncle Sam (divorce in two weeks!).

The best example can be found in birds. According to Dr. Ulrich Reichard, over 90 percent of birds have situations that can be called monogamous; however, in the average nest, 30 percent or more of the eggs can be attributed to a bird other than their mate. This development has led to the theory of Social Monogamy, which is basically where two animals are together socially but not exclusive sexually.

Quick facts: µ Over 90 percent of birds are monogamous. µ 15 percent of primates are monogamous. µ 3 percent of mammals are monogamous.

It’s My Body — I’ll Do What I Want!

The idea that humans are the only animals who have sex for pleasure, although accepted for a period of time, has been thrown out. Animals love sex!

The general consensus is now that animals may not be driven by the idea of sexual stimulation but that they instead are attracted to the idea simply because the instinctual conception of sex is that it is awesome. According to the Danish Animal Ethics Council, animals probably “mate because they are motivated for the actual copulation and because this is connected with a positive experience.”

So if animals on the whole enjoy sex, what about masturbation? Good question! Many animals practice autoeroticism (jerkin’ it): µ Bulls µ Goats µ Sheep µ Camels µ Elephants µ Horses µ Birds

µ Chimpanzees µ Bonobos µ Vervet Monkeys µ Squirrel Monkeys µ White-tailed Deer µ Warthogs µ Hyenas µ Ferrets µ Killer Whales µ Penguins µ Dolphins Some highlights include: Birds who are known to hump small piles of dirt, grass or leaves.

Horses are chronic masturbators and will continue to do so after castration.

There’s a very popular Youtube video of a chimpanzee masturbating with a dead frog.

Ferrets will get sick if they do not mate while in heat. If your ferret is feeling lonely, put a rock in its cage, and it will be fine; however, this will only work once. Next year, the ferret will not be satisfied and will require a mate.

Orangutans will fashion dildos out of wood and bark.

Queer Studies Guess what, conservatives? Human beings are not the only gay species! Homosexual behavior has been documented in 1,500 species, and I’m sure they’re all proud of it. The cutest example rests in penguins — in fact, they also have pride parades.

Homosexual penguins behave no differently from the rest of their species, as they are monogamous.

Male penguins will spend their lives together in a nest with a stone as a surrogate egg.

Evolution of Another Kind We all saw Napoleon Dynamite and know that ligers exist (maybe not), but beyond those two jungle cats, can love be found between different species? Apparently, yes.

Although there isn’t much evidence beyond this, in 2006, researchers found a hybrid of a grizzly and polar bear, the portmanteaus of which are hilarious: pizzly bear, prizzly bear and grolar bear.

Whether or not this means more cross-species sex exists is not available at this time; however, it can only be a matter of time before the fabled CatDog comes to fruition.

Animals Are Sick, Too It’s unfortunate, but humans are not the only species to abuse sex. Simply put, animals can be just as selfish and violent as the worst human, and even though they may be cute most of the time, they can be downright disgusting.

Used with permission from Doug Zeiser and the Creative Commons

Although controversy surrounds the word “rape” in the animal kingdom, there is no denying that certain animals have been known to forcefully perform sexual acts without mutual consent. Read about this and other gross animal sex below: Groups of male bottlenose dolphins have been known to corner female dolphins in attempts at sexual coercion.

Female spiders will eat male spiders after sex; however, some male spiders will trick the female with food or even tie her down.

Male hyenas will have sex with their own cubs when unable to mate with a grown female.

Female praying mantes will decapitate the male after sex.

Male cane toads will bang deceased toads and inanimate objects.

Let’s not end on a low note — here are some cool animal sex facts!

Bonobos are a fully bisexual species.

Flatworms are hermaphroditic creatures that perform the act of “penis fencing” to decide which inseminates the other. The two battle until one pierces the other.

Hyenas have an enlarged clitoris that scientists call a pseudo-penis.

Pigs have 30 minute orgasms. buzz

11

sexy subliminal disney sex Creepy messages hidden in Disney movies about boners and boobies

by Lyanne Alfaro

N

ext time you consider revisiting childhood memories with The Little Mermaid or Aladdin, be wary — you might be in for one dirty surprise. Besides being famous for captivating us when we were princesses at five years old and Hercules at the age of six, Walt Disney films are notorious for making subtle sexual references.

From the animation to the lyrics in the songs, Disney screenwriters and artists sure seemed to know how to hide dirty messages. Of course, the subliminal messages did not go unnoticed. Plenty of protective parents began to point out Disney’s faults from the hidden pictures of naked women to the word “sex� etched into unexpected scenes.

In the defense of Disney and the people behind the animated films, not all suggestive scenes were intentional or reviewed. According to “The Straight Dope,� some artists claimed that the animations were mistakes. Other animations were added on purpose to the film but unapproved by the producer before the video was released.

Yes, Disney was not careful with its placement of sexual references in children’s movies. However, there is reason to question the proof behind Disney’s perversion, especially when certain viewers think they can find the

word “sex� every five seconds in Pocahontas.

As a matter of fact, some cases were disproven or deemed too vague to be considered vulgar.

Following is a list of animated Disney scenes notorious for their risquĂŠ content (and how legitimate they actually are).

“S-E-X� in the sky, The Lion King //mildly legitimate Although the dust in the sky does resemble the word “sex� a lot, Disney explained that the special effects group snuck in the letters earlier. The letters in the scene did not spell “S-E-X� but rather “S-F-X,� the company explained, which is short for “Special Effects.� Yet, audiences continue to wonder why the special effects group’s “F� looks a lot like an “E�...

Naked woman in the window, The Rescuers//legitimate Soon after viewers discovered the nude female in the 1977 version of the film, the company removed the image from the film. According to The Hollywood Reporter, millions of the copies of the video were called back in order to prove

Flowers and chocolate...

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We think you can do better!

IMAGE CENSORED TO ENSURE WE DO NOT INVOKE THE WRATH OF MICKEY MOUSE’S EXTENSIVE TEAM OF HIGHLY SKILLED LAWYERS to families that they could “trust and rely on the Disney brand to provide the finest in family entertainment.�

Jessica Rabbit flashes her lady garden, Who Framed Roger Rabbit //

“Good teenagers take off their clothes�, Aladdin // not legitimate

For no particular reason, Rabbit hikes up her dress and spreads her legs apart to reveal that she is wearing no underwear, at least according to certain avid viewers.

On a regular VHS, the so-called “lady garden� is a blur.

If you try to make out what Aladdin says in the background and try to match it to the quote above, it might sound similar. When you look for subliminal messages that aren’t obvious, odds are you will find them. However, it would make very little sense for Disney to place a racy quote about naked teenagers in the context of the particular scene and the movie as a whole.

mildly legitimate

All the toys in Toy Story start making out, Toy Story // not even a little legitimate

There is absolutely no reason to think this happened.

It didn’t. But if it did, wouldn’t it be awesome?

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Food

&

Drink

february 9 - 15, 2012

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Got a date?

Where to eat for Valentine’s Day this year

by David Jagodzinski

P

icking a restaurant for a Valentine’s Day date can be a really challenging task (especially for men!). There are a lot of places to choose from in the CU, each with their own vibe and cuisine, and trying to find the right place for a meal can be hard. Are you in a fun, new relationship where something overly fancy might be over the top, or is the person sitting opposite you your soul mate? Did you and a friend try going out for a singles dinner last year, but you somehow managed to surround yourselves with gushy couples? Mayday.

It’s easy to go too casual or too fancy, which can either disappoint or scare your date away. This week, I checked out four different restaurants and found each of them to be the perfect place for a different type of dinner date. Let’s check them out!

The “Have We been Together Long Enough to do a Valentine’s Day?” date: Destihl You and your date have been together for a couple weeks now, and it’s at a point where it might be weird to go out for Valentine’s Day, but you would definitely look like an idiot if you didn’t take her out. No worries — check out Destihl. Instead of waiters upselling a Valentine’s Day Special at every turn, you will be able to order from the classic menu or try one of the new items that have just been added. The food is definitely within the comfort zone for people who are still getting to know each other. The other huge benefit is the variety; pulling from Asian, Mediterranean and Latino influences, there is something for everyone and a chance to share a couple things between the two of you. I went and split the Pork eggrolls with my date; for dinner, I had the Sweet Chili and Chipotle Chicken, she had the braised pork, and then we split a spiced chocolate dish for dessert.

It was a perfect dinner for a new couple: comfortable, laid-back and affordable.

The “Why Aren’t We Engaged Yet?” date: Escobar’s In prolonged relationships, things can get familiar and monotonous. Going out to dinner can be the same way. If you want to break away from the usual and try something you have never had before, definitely check out Escobar’s. Called “Nuevo Latino” by head chef, co-owner and namesake Obdulio Escobar, it features creative dishes that are executed to perfection. Escobar’s is a running a special Valentine’s Day menu that puts a romantic twist on the normal menu. My date and I started our meal with what we decided was the BEST guacamole either of us had ever had. I continued with Pibil-style pork, and my date had Butternut Squash-sage ravioli. My pork was tender enough to cut with a fork, and the ravioli was served in a way that displayed Obdulio’s mastery of food. We finished dinner with a Mexican flour-

less chocolate cake that was the perfect close to a delicious dinner. Escobar’s would be a great place to grab dinner if you are planning a Valentine’s Day date of new experiences for a couple that’s done everything together.

The “Let’s try to Mix Fun and Romance” date: The Porch at The Clybourne If you think of yourself as the “fun couple,” you belong at The Porch on Valentine’s Day. They are running a Creole-inspired menu that will have four courses, with options to choose from during each course. Chef Curtis, a native of Mississippi, blended deep-south ingredients with the knowledge he acquired from Le Cordon Bleu Culinary School to create dish after dish, packed with flavor. Be ready to use your hands, as you will be peeling the shells of jumbo-shrimp the size of a long john doughnut. Later, you might be tossing back oysters on the half shell, grilled and glazed with tarragon butter. For my entrée, I had the Osso Buco, a beef shank braised in house white and red wines until it is fork tender, served next to the best risotto I have eaten in years. I didn’t get a chance to try dessert, but The Porch’s baker, who happens to be Chef Curtis’ wife, has grand plans, looking to serve a deconstructed cheesecake, brownie a la mode, chocolate strawberries and lava cake.

Be ready to wine and dine in the most energetic of the four restaurants I visited.

The “Let’s Take it to the Next Level” date: Milo’s If you are looking to impress your date with your class and sophistication, take a trip into Urbana and go to Milo’s. Running a special Valentine’s Day menu that uses the best of French cooking methods on fresh and local ingredients, this was definitely my favorite of the four restaurants.

Quality and pride was evident in every bite, and the dishes are just exotic enough to give the dinner that extra-romantic feel. Service was friendly, and there was no lack of intimacy at the table. Our meal began with a breadbasket featuring four different homemade breads, all of which should be sold outside the restaurant. I had roasted duck, which was the most moist and tender poultry I have ever had. My date had broiled salmon served with a white wine and butter sauce that she said was the “best piece of fish I have ever eaten.” Dinner ended with flourless chocolate cake. Not surprisingly, it was incredible. If you are worried about being weighed down for any ‘activities’ that might happen later at night, I can assure that the food was light on the stomach but still very satisfying. **All Restaurants featured are currently taking reservations.

Photo by Zach Dalzell Destihl in Champaign, Illinois. on November 1st.

Seating available at Escobar's in downtown Champaign. Photo by Brad Thorp

Photo by Sean O'Connor The Porch in Champaign

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13

february 9 - 15, 2012

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Get in the mood Put a little pep in your step

by Annalisa Rodriguez

W

ith Valentine’s Day right around the corner, some of you may be looking for that little extra something to heat up the, ahem, bedroom. Forget the candles and seductive music — think food. Believe it or not, certain foods have been labeled as aphrodisiacs, meaning that they are thought to increase sexual desire.

In a column titled “Aphrodisiacs: Fact or Fiction?” on WebMD, registered dietitian Elaine Magee advised against underestimating the power of sensual suggestion: “No food has been scientifically proven to stimulate the human sex organs. But foods and the act of eating can suggest sex to the mind, which in turn can help stimulate desire in the body.” according to magee, there are five general types of unproven aphrodisiacs

1. Foods that create warmth and moisture.

Spicy foods, like chile peppers, make you sweat and flush, and they increase your heart rate and metabolism, all physical reactions that are also felt in the bedroom. Chile peppers have also been said to release endorphins (chemicals released during sex) in the brain. Capsaicin, a

chemical found in chile peppers, can also increase circulation and stimulate nerve endings.

2. Foods that resemble genitalia. Foods such as bananas, asparagus and oysters are thought to increase desire partly because of their resemblance to sexual organs. Furthermore, bananas deliver potassium, an essential nutrient for muscle strength. This can make the contractions during orgasms more intense. Oysters can also be arousing because of their shape, texture and nutrients.

They are high in zinc, which is thought to increase testosterone and improve sperm quality. Eating oysters also involves sucking, slurping and eating out of your hands — get the idea?

3. Foods considered rare and exotic. Rare and expensive foods were often considered erotic.

This could explain why chocolate, which was once used in seduction rituals and as a currency by the Aztecs and conquistadors, still has a reputation as a sexual stimulant. It is also another food that releases endorphins, as well as serotonin, another “feel-good” chemical. Civet coffee, considered the most expensive and exotic bean in the world, is also thought to be a sexual stimulant. It is considered rare because

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it is brewed from coffee cherries that are eaten, digested and passed by the civet, a catlike animal found in many parts of Asia. This gives the coffee a musky chocolate taste without the bitter flavor. As gross as it might sound, this coffee is prized because of its extreme rarity — only 500-1,000 pounds are produced per year.

4. Reproductive organs and eggs (fish roe and bird eggs, animal genitals). These were thought to increase sexual desire and fertility. This one is a little out there, but balut, or fertilized duck eggs, are considered a delicacy in the Philippines and are eaten often to increase fertility.

5. Foods that stimulate the senses. Foods that are pleasurable to sight, smell, taste and touch are thought to stimulate passion. These include foods with rich, smooth and creamy textures.

Vanilla ice cream holds all these qualities and is also said to mildly stimulate nerve endings, making sexual sensations stronger. Figs, apricots and avocados are juicy, plump and fleshy, giving them a sensual meaning to some. They also join bananas, asparagus and oysters in the list of genital-resembling foods, making them considered erotic by many.

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THIS WEEK

readbuzz.com february 9 - 15, 2012

2012(FEB9)3QUARTER(BUZZ)

Cum cook!

KR ANNERT CENTER FOR THE PERFORMING ARTS

Special recipes from that special someone

5pm

Krannert Uncorked

by Jordan Ramos

6pm

Spirit of Uganda Preview

6:30pm

The St. Olaf Choir: A Centennial Retrospective

Recipes commonly have “secret ingredients” that give the dish a certain pizzazz, and this spunky recipe is no exception. Containing calcium, magnesium, zinc, vitamins B12 and C, and only about 20 calories per tablespoon, semen can be put in certain recipes for a little added oomph. One might be appalled, but if you’re going to swallow it anyway, might as well make it tasty! Here are a couple fun recipes that you can concoct with your boyfriend’s love juice.

TH FEB 9

THESE SPONSORS MAKE GOOD STUFF HAPPEN: // Marquee // Marquee

// Marquee

7:30pm

The Last Days of Judas Iscariot

// Depar tment

of Theatre

7:30pm

St. Olaf Choir 100th Anniversary Tour

7pm

Spirit of Uganda

7:30pm

The Last Days of Judas Iscariot

7:30pm

// Marquee // Depar tment

The Last Days of Judas Iscariot

// Depar tment

of Theatre

7:30pm

Used with permission from the Creative Commons

SU FEB 12

3pm

// Depar tment

Mark Moore, tuba

// School of Music

TU FEB 14

12:30pm Rani Arbo & daisy mayhem

Phyllis & Kyle Robeson

12:30pm Rani Arbo & daisy mayhem 7:30pm

Kronos Quartet

Rani Arbo & daisy mayhem The Susan Sargeant McDonald Endowed Fund for Youth Programming (Suzi was the founder/developer of the Krannert Center Youth Series) Dorothy Buzzard Karen Grano Prudence & Bernard Spodek

// Marquee

WE FEB 15

5pm

Used with permission from the Creative Commons

The Last Days of Judas Iscariot of Theatre

3pm

St. Olaf Choir Marlyn Rinehart Carole & Jerry Ringer Margaret R. & Michael Grossman Selma Richardson Jerald Wray & Dirk Mol in memory of Lydia Eppink Mol

Sinfonia da Camera: More Mozart // Sinfonia da Camera

Toss the pecans gently in the melted butter on large baking sheet and bake at 350 degrees several minutes until the nuts are lightly browned. Combine the sugar and semen and perhaps a little more butter in a small bowl before stirring into the pecans. Bake another 5-8 minutes until the sugar hardens.

.

901

FR FEB 10

SA FEB 11

1/2 cup sugar 3 cups pecans or other savory nuts 3 tablespoons melted butter 1-2 tablespoons fresh semen

WEFT FM

// Marquee

of Theatre

Candied Pecans

Spirit of Uganda Carol & Ed Scharlau Anonymous

// Marquee

// Marquee

TH FEB 16

Kronos Quartet Dianna Armstrong

Krannert Uncorked with Kevin Elliott, singer/ songwriter // Marquee

Anonymous

C A L L 3 3 3 . 6 2 8 0 s 1. 8 0 0 . K C P A T I X

Corporate Power Train Team Engine

Fruit Smoothie 1 cup diced kiwi 1 ripe banana 1 cup soy milk 1-3 tablespoons fresh semen Ice cubes Put all ingredients in blender, and blend until smooth.

Marquee performances are supported in part by the Illinois Arts Council—a state agency which recognizes Krannert Center in its Partners in Excellence Program.

40 North and Krannert Center —working together to put Champaign County’s culture on the map.

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15

CALENDAR

FEBRUARY 9 - 15, 2012

Complete listing available at

SUBMIT YOUR EVENT TO THE CALENDAR: Online: forms available at the217.com/calendar • E-mail: send your notice to calendar@the217.com • Fax: 337-8328, addressed to the217 calendar

THE217.COM/CALENDAR

Snail mail: send printed materials via U.S. Mail to: the217 calendar, Illini Media, 512 E. Green St., Champaign, IL 61820 • Call: 531-1456 if you have a question or to leave a message about your event.

THURSDAY 9

“Wise Animals: Aesop and His Followers” Art & other exhibits Exhibition Warriors, Guardians, U of I Main Library 8:30am and Demons Spurlock Museum Classes, lectures, & 9amw Carolee Schneemann: workshops Within and Beyond the Live Career Help Premises Rantoul Public Library Krannert Art Museum 2pm and Kinkead Pavilion Live Adult Education 9am Help Fifty Years: ContemRantoul Public Library porary American Glass 2pm from Illinois CollecLive Homework Help tions Rantoul Public Library Krannert Art Museum 2pm and Kinkead Pavilion Owl Prowl 9am Museum of the Grand After Abstract Expres- Prairie sionism 6pm Krannert Art Museum Live music & karaoke and Kinkead Pavilion Liquid Courage Karaoke 9am Memphis on Main Jerusalem Saved! In- 9pm ness and the Spiritual Salsa Dancing Landscape Cowboy Monkey Krannert Art Museum 10pm and Kinkead Pavilion Mind, body, & spirit 9am Exhibition Tour Open Yoga Practice Krannert Art Museum with Corrie Proksa and Kinkead Pavilion Amara Yoga & Arts 5:30pm 5:30pm Drama of Black & White Ashtanga Yoga with Asian American Cultural Lauren Quinn Center Amara Yoga & Arts 9am 5:30pm Art @ the Y Presents Candlelight Vinyasa Paper Quilts: Musings Flow Yoga with Luna from the Mailbox Pierson University YMCA Amara Yoga & Arts 9am 7pm

Yin Yoga with Lauren After Abstract Expres- Live music & karaoke Quinn sionism Febfest Traditional Amara Yoga & Arts, 7pm Krannert Art Museum and Dance Weekend in Kinkead Pavilion Urbana Miscellaneous 9am Illini Union Jerusalem Saved! In7:30pm Children’s Winter ness and the Spiritual Stevie Hall Band!

Reading Program Landscape Memphis on Main Rantoul Public Library Krannert Art Museum and 8:30pm 9am Kinkead Pavilion Live Karaoke with The Yarn n Yak 9am Chicago Blackhawks Rantoul Public Library Drama of Black & White Band 7pm Asian American Cultural Cowboy Monkey Winter Reading Center, 9am 10pm Program for Teens & Art @ the Y Presents Withershins + Hot Adults Sign-Up Paper Quilts: Musings Cops + New Ruins + Rantoul Public Library from the Mailbox Sequoia 9am Preschool Story Time University YMCA, 9am Mike ‘n Molly’s “Wise Animals: Aesop 9:30pm Rantoul Public Library and His Followers” Ex- Live Karaoke Band 10am hibition Cowboy Monkey Raising Readers U of I Main Library 10pm Rantoul Public Library 8:30am 10:30am Mind, body, & spirit Afterschool Fairytale Classes, lectures, & Power Flow Yoga with Ballet with Kate workshops Insolia Corrie Proksa Amara Yoga & Arts, 4pm Live Career Help Amara Yoga & Arts 12pm Rantoul Public Library Open Yoga Practice 2pm FRIDAY 10 PwC’s Personal Brand with Corrie Proksa Art & other exhibits Experience Workshop Amara Yoga & Arts 5:30pm Warriors, Guardians, College of Business Yoga Classes Instructional Facility and Demons Krannert Art Museum Spurlock Museum, 9am 1pm and Kinkead Pavilion Carolee Schneemann: Live Adult Education 12pm Within and Beyond the Help Vinyasa Krama Yoga Rantoul Public Library Premises with Don Briskin Krannert Art Museum and 2pm Amara Yoga & Arts Live Homework Help Kinkead Pavilion, 9am 4:15pm Rantoul Public Library Fifty Years: ContemHappy Hour Flow Yoga porary American Glass 2pm from Illinois Collections Friday Forum Presents with Luna Pierson Krannert Art Museum and “Art as Empowerment” Amara Yoga & Arts University YMCA, 12pm 5:30pm Kinkead Pavilion, 9am

SATURDAY 11

Symposium with Miguel Gutierrez Art & other exhibits Krannert Art Museum Warriors, Guardians, and Kinkead Pavilion 1pm and Demons Spurlock Museum, 10am Live Adult Education Carolee Schneemann: Help Within and Beyond the Rantoul Public Library 2pm Premises Live Homework Help Krannert Art Museum Rantoul Public Library and Kinkead Pavilion 2pm 9am Arts Symposium Fifty Years: Contemporary American Glass Krannert Art Museum and Kinkead Pavilion from Illinois Collec1pm tions Krannert Art Museum Live music & and Kinkead Pavilion karaoke 9am After Abstract Expres- Supersuckers sionism Highdive Krannert Art Museum and 8:30pm Kinkead Pavilion, 9am Corey Smith Jerusalem Saved! InCanopy Club ness and the Spiritual 9:30pm Landscape The Painkillers CD Krannert Art Museum Release Party and Kinkead Pavilion Iron Post 9am 6pm “Aggravated Art: Febfest Traditional A Baker’s Dozen of Dance Weekend in Bad Ideas” Opening Urbana Reception Illini Union Indi Go Artist Co-op, 7pm 7:30pm Art @ the Y Presents Liquid Courage KaraPaper Quilts: Musings oke! from the Mailbox Memphis on Main University YMCA, 9am 9pm DJ/Karaokee Classes, lectures, & 133 West Main workshops 9pm The Dirty Feathers Live Career Help Cowboy Monkey, 10pm Rantoul Public Library 2pm

FOR ALL OF YOUR VALENTINE’S DAY NEEDS Great Variety of Valentine’s Decorations Mon -Thur - 10am-6pm Fri - 10am - 7pm Sat - 10am - 6pm 101 E. University Ave Champaign, IL 217.351.5974 16

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Miscellaneous Children’s Winter Reading Program Rantoul Public Library 9am

SUNDAY 12 Art & other exhibits Warriors, Guardians, and Demons Spurlock Museum, 12pm Carolee Schneemann: Within and Beyond the Premises Krannert Art Museum and Kinkead Pavilion 2pm After Abstract Expressionism Krannert Art Museum and Kinkead Pavilion 2pm Jerusalem Saved! Inness and the Spiritual Landscape Krannert Art Museum and Kinkead Pavilion 2pm Fifty Years: Contemporary American Glass from Illinois Collections Krannert Art Museum and Kinkead Pavilion 2pm Art @ the Y Presents Paper Quilts: Musings from the Mailbox University YMCA, 9am

Classes, lectures, & workshops

Live Adult Education Help Mind, body, & spirit Rantoul Public Library 2pm Free Acupuncture Live Homework Help Lincoln Square Mall Rantoul Public Library 10am 2pm DEEP Aerobics with West African Dance Miguel Gutierrez Activities and Recreation Classes with Djibril Camara Center (ARC), 8pm Channing-Murray FounYoga Fundamentals dation, 6pm with Linda Lehovec Amara Yoga & Arts Live music & 9am Power Flow Yoga with karaoke Corrie Proksa Febfest Traditional Amara Yoga & Arts,4pm Dance Weekend in Kettlebell RKC RusUrbana sian Style Illini Union, 7:30pm Truly Fit, 10am Valentine’s Yoga Class Mind, body, & spirit with Maggie Taylor Yoga for Men, Dudes Karma Yoga Event to and Regular Guys with Benefit the Urbana Jim Rector Free Library Amara Yoga & Arts Amara Yoga & Arts, 6pm 6:30pm

february 9 - 15, 2012

Slow Flow Yoga with Kate Insolia Amara Yoga & Arts 2:30pm Happy Challenge Yoga with Maggie Taylor Amara Yoga & Arts 4pm Gentle Yoga with Rebekah Deter Amara Yoga & Arts, 9am

Miscellaneous Rantoul Public Library Book Club Rantoul Public Library 2pm Children’s Winter Reading Program Rantoul Public Library 9am Winter Reading Program for Teens & Adults Sign-Up Rantoul Public Library 9am Reception Experience 2012 Refinery, 4pm

Movies & theater Jerusalem Saved! Inness and the Spiritual Landscape Krannert Art Museum and Kinkead Pavilion 2pm

Sports, games, & recreation Big Dave’s Trivia Cowboy Monkey, 7pm

Monday 13 Art & other exhibits Fragments: Recent Paintings by Kenneth Hall Parkland Art Gallery, 10am Drama of Black & White Asian American Cultural Center 9am Art @ the Y Presents Paper Quilts: Musings from the Mailbox University YMCA, 9am “Wise Animals: Aesop and His Followers” Exhibition U of I Main Library 8:30am

Classes, lectures, & workshops Writers’ Group Rantoul Public Library 9:30am Live Career Help Rantoul Public Library 2pm

Poetry Workshop Red Herring, 7:30pm Live Adult Education Help Rantoul Public Library 2pm Live Homework Help Rantoul Public Library 2pm Live music & karaoke ‘80s Night Highdive, 10pm

Fragments: Recent Paintings by Kenneth Hall Parkland Art Gallery10am “Wise Animals: Aesop and His Followers” Exhibition U of I Main Library 8:30am

Classes, lectures, & workshops Live Career Help

Mind, body, & spirit Rantoul Public Library Power Flow Yoga with Corrie Proksa Amara Yoga & Arts 12pm Restorative Yoga with Maggie Taylor Amara Yoga & Arts 7pm Hatha Yoga with Grace Giorgio Amara Yoga & Arts 5:30pm

Sports, games, & recreation

2pm Loving Life: Celebrating Your Ultimate Self University YMCA, 7pm Live Adult Education Help Rantoul Public Library 2pm Live Homework Help Rantoul Public Library 2pm

Live music & karaoke

Tango Tuesdays at McKinley Foundation Bingo Night Memphis on Main, 10pm McKinley Presbyterian Church and Foundation Be My Valentine 7pm Museum of the Grand WPGU PRESENTS: Prairie, 6pm Stephen Kellogg and the Sixers Tuesday 14 Highdive, 7:30pm Art & other exhibits Piano Man Warriors, Guardians, Canopy Club, 9pm Open Mic Night and Demons Spurlock Museum, 12pm Cowboy Monkey, 10pm Carolee Schneemann: Within and Beyond the Mind, body, & spirit Premises Vinyasa Flow Yoga Krannert Art Museum with Maggie Taylor and Kinkead Pavilion Amara Yoga & Arts, 12pm 9am Slow Flow yoga with Fifty Years: ContemAmanda Reagan porary American Glass Amara Yoga & Arts from Illinois Collec5:30pm tions Miscellaneous Krannert Art Museum and Kinkead Pavilion Home Schoolers 9am Group After Abstract Expres- Rantoul Public Library, 2pm sionism Children’s Winter Krannert Art Museum Reading Program and Kinkead Pavilion Rantoul Public Library, 9am 9am Winter Reading Jerusalem Saved! InProgram for Teens & ness and the Spiritual Adults Sign-Up Landscape Rantoul Public Library, 9am Krannert Art Museum and Kinkead Pavilion Wednesday 15 9am Drama of Black & White Art & other exhibits Asian American Cultural Fifty Years: ContemCenter porary American 9am Glass from Illinois Art @ the Y Presents Collections Paper Quilts: Musings Krannert Art Museum from the Mailbox and Kinkead Pavilion University YMCA, 9am 9am

After Abstract Expressionism Krannert Art Museum and Kinkead Pavilion, 9am Jerusalem Saved! Inness and the Spiritual Landscape Krannert Art Museum and Kinkead Pavilion, 9am Art @ the Y Presents Paper Quilts: Musings from the Mailbox University YMCA, 9am Fragments: Recent Paintings by Kenneth Hall Parkland Art Gallery, 10am

buz z ’s WEEK AHEAD

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Live Comedy with Rio Herman Saturday, Feb. 11 Courtyard Cafe, Illini Union 1401 W. Green St., C. $5 Wanna see a comedian? What about three? Well, you can see Rio Herman — he’s a professional.

You can see Esteban Ghast — he’s a really nice guy. Or you can see me, Nick Martin — a spineless coward responsible only for misery and despair! But fear not! Nick Martin will get beaten up by a very strong man for ONE NIGHT ONLY! Isn’t it time that idiot finally gets his? Watch him cry; watch him die. Fuck you, Nick Martin! Taste your blood! — Nick Martin, Movies & TV Editor

Live music & karaoke 312 Vibe Night Canopy Club, 9pm Tango Dancing Cowboy Monkey, 8pm

Mind, body, & spirit Yoga Wednesdays at indi-Go Artist Co-Op! Indi Go Artist Co-op 7pm Yoga Wednesdays at Indi-Go Artist Co-Op Indi Go Artist Co-op 7pm Kettlebell RKC Russian Style Truly Fit, 6:30pm Hatha Flow with Linda Lehovec Amara Yoga & Arts 5:30pm Ashtanga Full Primary Series with Lauren Quinn Amara Yoga & Arts, 7pm Yoga Fundamentals with Grace Giorgio Amara Yoga & Arts 4:15pm

Elephants and the Meaning of Truth Friday, Feb. 10 8 p.m. The Armory Free Theater, 505 E Armory, Room 160, C. Free!

Miscellaneous Children’s Winter Reading Program Rantoul Public Library 9am Winter Reading Program for Teens & Adults Sign-Up Rantoul Public Library 9am

Movies & theater Bicycle Dreams The Art Theater, 7pm

Sports, games, & recreation Nomad SF Book Club Champaign Public Library, 7pm Pokemon Fan Club Rantoul Public Library, 6pm

Our very own buzz music editor, Adam Barnett, is now a playwright! This weekend on Friday and Saturday, you can go check out his play, “Elephants and the Meaning of Truth.” What’s it about, you ask? I don’t know! Adam doesn’t even know! Nobody knows. It’s an existentialist meta mystery. The only way to understand it (if there is such a thing as understanding. What is truth? What is life?) is to go see the play. — Amy Harwath, Community Editor

buzz

17

Classifieds Place an Ad: 217 - 337 - 8337 Deadline: 2 p.m. Tuesday for the next Thursday’s edition.

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buzz

employment

HELP WANTED Full/Part time

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readbuzz.com february 9 - 15, 2012

I am so sick of people watching me poop.

FREE WILL ASTROLOGY ARIES

March 21-April 19

What do you typically do just before you fall asleep and right after you wake up? Those rituals are important for your mental health. Without exaggeration, you could say they are sacred times when you’re poised in the threshold between the two great dimensions of your life. I’ll ask you to give special care and attention to those transitions in the coming week. As much as possible, avoid watching TV or surfing the Internet right up to the moment you turn off the light, and don’t leap out of bed the instant an alarm clock detonates. The astrological omens suggest you are primed to receive special revelations, even ringing epiphanies, while in those in-between states.

TAURUS

April 20-May 20

LIBRA

February 9 – 15, 2011 Sept. 23-Oct. 22

SCORPIO

Oct. 23-Nov. 21

GEMINI

May 21-June 20

SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 22-Dec. 21

CANCER

June 21-July 22

“He who is outside his door already has a hard part of his journey behind him,” says a Dutch proverb. Ancient Roman writer Marcus Terentius Varro articulated a similar idea: “The longest part of the journey is the passing of the gate.” I hope these serve as words of encouragement for you, Cancerian. You’ve got a quest ahead of you. At its best, it will involve freewheeling exploration and unpredictable discoveries. If you can get started in a timely manner, you’ll set an excellent tone for the adventures. Don’t procrastinate.

LEO

July 23-Aug. 22

You’re so close to finding a fresh perspective that would allow you to outmaneuver an old torment, Leo. You’re on the verge of breaking through a wall of illusion that has sealed you off from some very interesting truths. In the hope of providing you with the last little push that will take you the rest of the way, I offer two related insights from creativity specialist Roger von Oech: 1. If you get too fixated on solving a certain problem, you may fail to notice a new opportunity that arises outside the context of that problem. 2. If you intensify your focus by looking twice as hard at a situation that’s right in front of you, you will be less likely to see a good idea that’s right behind you.

VIRGO

Aug. 23-Sept. 22

Thirty-two carrier pigeons were awarded medals by the United Kingdom for their meritorious service in the World Wars. Of course, they probably would have preferred sunflower seeds and peanuts as their prize. Let that lesson guide you as you bestow blessings on the people and animals that have done so much for you, Virgo. Give them goodies they would actually love to receive, not meaningless gold stars or abstract accolades. It’s time to honor and reward your supporters with practical actions that suit them well.

by Matt Jones

“I Oh You One”--or four, actually.

The caterpillar-to-butterfly transformation is such an iconic symbol of metamorphosis that it has become a cliche. And yet I’d like to point out that when the graceful winged creature emerges from its chrysalis, it never grows any further. We human beings, on the other hand, are asked to be in a lifelong state of metamorphosis, continually adjusting and shifting to meet our changing circumstances. I’ll go so far as to say that having a readiness to be in continual transformation is one of the most beautiful qualities a person can have.

Are you interested in cultivating more of that capacity, Libra? Now would be an excellent time to do so.

Remember that line by Bob Dylan: “He who is not busy being born is busy dying.”

Have you ever gazed into the eyes of goats? If you have, you know that their pupils are rectangular when dilated. This quirk allows them to have a field of vision that extends as far as 340 degrees, as opposed to humans’ puny 160-210 degrees. They can also see better at night than we can. Goats are your power animal in the coming week, Taurus. Metaphorically speaking, you will have an excellent chance to expand your breadth and depth of vision. Do you have any blind spots that need to be illuminated? Now’s the time to make that happen.

In the animated film The Lion King, two of the central characters are a talking meerkat named Timon and a talking warthog named Pumbaa. Their actions are often heroic. They help the star of the tale, Simba, rise to his rightful role as king. The human actors who provided the voices for Timon and Pumbaa, Nathan Lane and Ernie Sabella, originally auditioned for the lesser roles of hyenas. They set their sights too low. Fortunately fate conspired to give them more than what they asked for. Don’t start out as they did, Gemini. Aim high right from the beginning -- not for the bit part or the minor role but rather for the catalyst who actually gets things done.

jone sin’

This would be an excellent time to round up a slew of new role models. In my astrological opinion, you need to feel far more than your usual levels of admiration for exceptional human beings. You’re in a phase when you could derive tremendous inspiration by closely observing masters and virtuosos and pros who are doing what you would like to do. For that matter, your mental and spiritual health would be profoundly enhanced by studying anyone who has found what he or she was born to do and is doing it with liberated flair.

WD-40 is a spray product that prevents corrosion, loosens stuck hinges, removes hard-to-get-at dirt, and has several other uses. Its inventor, Norm Larsen, tried 39 different formulas before finding the precisely right combination of ingredients on his fortieth attempt. The way I understand your life right now, Sagittarius, is that you are like Larsen when he was working with version number 37. You’re getting closer to creating a viable method for achieving your next success. That’s why I urge you to be patient and determined as you continue to tinker and experiment. Don’t keep trying the same formula that didn’t quite work before. Open your mind to the possibility that you have not yet discovered at least one of the integral components.

CAPRICORN

Dec. 22-Jan. 19

A person who emits a huge angry shout produces just .001 watt of energy. Even if he or she yelled continuously 24/7, it would still take a year and nine months to produce enough energy to heat a cup of coffee. That’s one way to metaphorically illustrate my bigger point, which is that making a dramatic show of emotional agitation may feel powerful but is often a sign of weakness.

Please take this to heart in the coming week, Capricorn.

If you do fall prey to a frothy eruption of tumultuous feelings, use all of your considerable willpower to maintain your poise. Better yet, abort the tumult before it detonates. This is one time when repressing negative feelings will be healthy, wealthy, and wise.

AQUARIUS

Jan. 20-Feb. 18

Jeep vehicles always feature seven slots on their front grills. Why? For the manufacturer, it’s a symbolic statement proclaiming the fact that Jeep was the first vehicle driven on all seven continents. Let’s take that as your cue, Aquarius. Your assignment is to pick an accomplishment you’re really proud of and turn it into an emblem, image, glyph, or talisman that you can wear or express. If nothing else, draw it on dusty car windows, write it on bathroom walls, or add it to a Facebook status update. The key thing is that you use a public forum to celebrate yourself for a significant success, even if it’s in a modest or mysterious way.

PISCES

Feb. 19-March 20

A sign outside the Apostolic Bible Church in Bathurst, New Brunswick invited worshipers to meditate on a conundrum: “Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?” After all, if the builder of the Ark had refused to help the pesky insects survive the flood, we’d be free of their torment today. (Or so the allegorical argument goes.) Please apply this lesson to a situation in your own sphere, Pisces. As you journey to your new world, leave the vexatious elements behind.

Stumped? Find the solutions in the Classifieds pages.

Across

1 Multi-purpose shot, for short 4 “___ on a Plane” 10 E-mail from Nigeria, maybe 14 Big Band, for one 15 Start, as a riot 16 What programmers write 17 Cameraman’s question about which talk show star to film?

20 Maritime patrol org.

21 Malaria-carrying fly 22 Concert memento 25 Darkest part of a shadow 29 Reagan aide Peggy and aviator Fred 34 Shrinking Asian body of water, with 63-down 35 Spanish NBA player who explodes in a volatile fuel mix?

38 Tell the cops everything 39 Coffee server 40 Title role for Peter Weller 42 They tow broken-down cars 43 Use a shiv 45 Menu phrase meaning “you can add pineapple to any item”?

47 Put on the payroll 48 Atones 49 Country on the Red Sea 51 Accompany 55 Genie’s home 60 Song from Sarah McLachlan’s “Surfacing”

61 Must decide which pitching feat to choose?

66 Ice skating jump 67 Save from peril 68 It’s small and strummable 69 Side 70 Lower, like regions 71 1/525,600th of a yr.

Down

1 Introduction 2 Bridge part 3 Ripped jeans cover-up 4 Obedience school lesson 5 Dir. opposite SSE 6 Eight, in Essen 7 Sportages and Spectras 8 Smurf suffix 9 Splinter group 10 Psychological patterns 11 Dove bar?

12 Super Bowl highlights?

13 Got together with 18 Getting older 19 Home of the Beavers, for short 23 MGM opening sound 24 “And I’m ready ___ right through the sky” (Richard Marx lyric) 26 Prickly bush 27 Tried to attack 28 Pond scum

30 Like some gases 31 “Girl with ___” (Renoir painting) 32 Night, to Noriega 33 Everett of “Citizen Kane” 35 Like annoying salesmen 36 “Glee” character Abrams 37 Take weapons from 41 Pie charts show them: abbr.

44 Flower that helps heal cracked skin 46 Musician’s org.

50 Smoking alternative, once 52 Strong loathing 53 Talk show host Lake 54 Occupied 56 Undecided, in an angsty way 57 Old school pronoun 58 Shopping trip sheet 59 ___ A Sketch 61 Head cover 62 Fire 63 See 34-across 64 Election Day day: abbr.

65 “Love, Reign ___ Me” (The Who)

buzz

19

readbuzz.com FEBRUARY 9 - 15, 2012

I am so sick of people watching me poop.

FREE WILL ASTROLOGY ARIES

March 21-April 19

What do you typically do just before you fall asleep and right after you wake up? Those rituals are important for your mental health. Without exaggeration, you could say they are sacred times when you’re poised in the threshold between the two great dimensions of your life. I’ll ask you to give special care and attention to those transitions in the coming week. As much as possible, avoid watching TV or surfing the Internet right up to the moment you turn off the light, and don’t leap out of bed the instant an alarm clock detonates. The astrological omens suggest you are primed to receive special revelations, even ringing epiphanies, while in those in-between states.

TAURUS

April 20-May 20

FEBRUARY 9 – 15, 2012

LIBRA

Sept. 23-Oct. 22

SCORPIO

Oct. 23-Nov. 21

GEMINI

May 21-June 20

SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 22-Dec. 21

CANCER

June 21-July 22

“He who is outside his door already has a hard part of his journey behind him,” says a Dutch proverb. Ancient Roman writer Marcus Terentius Varro articulated a similar idea: “The longest part of the journey is the passing of the gate.” I hope these serve as words of encouragement for you, Cancerian. You’ve got a quest ahead of you. At its best, it will involve freewheeling exploration and unpredictable discoveries. If you can get started in a timely manner, you’ll set an excellent tone for the adventures. Don’t procrastinate.

LEO

July 23-Aug. 22

You’re so close to finding a fresh perspective that would allow you to outmaneuver an old torment, Leo. You’re on the verge of breaking through a wall of illusion that has sealed you off from some very interesting truths. In the hope of providing you with the last little push that will take you the rest of the way, I offer two related insights from creativity specialist Roger von Oech: 1. If you get too fixated on solving a certain problem, you may fail to notice a new opportunity that arises outside the context of that problem. 2. If you intensify your focus by looking twice as hard at a situation that’s right in front of you, you will be less likely to see a good idea that’s right behind you.

VIRGO

Aug. 23-Sept. 22

Thirty-two carrier pigeons were awarded medals by the United Kingdom for their meritorious service in the World Wars. Of course, they probably would have preferred sunflower seeds and peanuts as their prize. Let that lesson guide you as you bestow blessings on the people and animals that have done so much for you, Virgo. Give them goodies they would actually love to receive, not meaningless gold stars or abstract accolades. It’s time to honor and reward your supporters with practical actions that suit them well.

by Matt Jones

“I Oh You One”--or four, actually.

The caterpillar-to-butterfly transformation is such an iconic symbol of metamorphosis that it has become a cliche. And yet I’d like to point out that when the graceful winged creature emerges from its chrysalis, it never grows any further. We human beings, on the other hand, are asked to be in a lifelong state of metamorphosis, continually adjusting and shifting to meet our changing circumstances. I’ll go so far as to say that having a readiness to be in continual transformation is one of the most beautiful qualities a person can have.

Are you interested in cultivating more of that capacity, Libra? Now would be an excellent time to do so.

Remember that line by Bob Dylan: “He who is not busy being born is busy dying.”

Have you ever gazed into the eyes of goats? If you have, you know that their pupils are rectangular when dilated. This quirk allows them to have a field of vision that extends as far as 340 degrees, as opposed to humans’ puny 160-210 degrees. They can also see better at night than we can. Goats are your power animal in the coming week, Taurus. Metaphorically speaking, you will have an excellent chance to expand your breadth and depth of vision. Do you have any blind spots that need to be illuminated? Now’s the time to make that happen.

In the animated film The Lion King, two of the central characters are a talking meerkat named Timon and a talking warthog named Pumbaa. Their actions are often heroic. They help the star of the tale, Simba, rise to his rightful role as king. The human actors who provided the voices for Timon and Pumbaa, Nathan Lane and Ernie Sabella, originally auditioned for the lesser roles of hyenas. They set their sights too low. Fortunately fate conspired to give them more than what they asked for. Don’t start out as they did, Gemini. Aim high right from the beginning -- not for the bit part or the minor role but rather for the catalyst who actually gets things done.

JONE SIN’

This would be an excellent time to round up a slew of new role models. In my astrological opinion, you need to feel far more than your usual levels of admiration for exceptional human beings. You’re in a phase when you could derive tremendous inspiration by closely observing masters and virtuosos and pros who are doing what you would like to do. For that matter, your mental and spiritual health would be profoundly enhanced by studying anyone who has found what he or she was born to do and is doing it with liberated flair.

WD-40 is a spray product that prevents corrosion, loosens stuck hinges, removes hard-to-get-at dirt, and has several other uses. Its inventor, Norm Larsen, tried 39 different formulas before finding the precisely right combination of ingredients on his fortieth attempt. The way I understand your life right now, Sagittarius, is that you are like Larsen when he was working with version number 37. You’re getting closer to creating a viable method for achieving your next success. That’s why I urge you to be patient and determined as you continue to tinker and experiment. Don’t keep trying the same formula that didn’t quite work before. Open your mind to the possibility that you have not yet discovered at least one of the integral components.

CAPRICORN

Dec. 22-Jan. 19

A person who emits a huge angry shout produces just .001 watt of energy. Even if he or she yelled continuously 24/7, it would still take a year and nine months to produce enough energy to heat a cup of coffee. That’s one way to metaphorically illustrate my bigger point, which is that making a dramatic show of emotional agitation may feel powerful but is often a sign of weakness.

Please take this to heart in the coming week, Capricorn.

If you do fall prey to a frothy eruption of tumultuous feelings, use all of your considerable willpower to maintain your poise. Better yet, abort the tumult before it detonates. This is one time when repressing negative feelings will be healthy, wealthy, and wise.

AQUARIUS

Jan. 20-Feb. 18

Jeep vehicles always feature seven slots on their front grills. Why? For the manufacturer, it’s a symbolic statement proclaiming the fact that Jeep was the first vehicle driven on all seven continents. Let’s take that as your cue, Aquarius. Your assignment is to pick an accomplishment you’re really proud of and turn it into an emblem, image, glyph, or talisman that you can wear or express. If nothing else, draw it on dusty car windows, write it on bathroom walls, or add it to a Facebook status update. The key thing is that you use a public forum to celebrate yourself for a significant success, even if it’s in a modest or mysterious way.

PISCES

Feb. 19-March 20

A sign outside the Apostolic Bible Church in Bathurst, New Brunswick invited worshipers to meditate on a conundrum: “Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?” After all, if the builder of the Ark had refused to help the pesky insects survive the flood, we’d be free of their torment today. (Or so the allegorical argument goes.) Please apply this lesson to a situation in your own sphere, Pisces. As you journey to your new world, leave the vexatious elements behind.

Stumped? Find the solutions in the Classifieds pages.

Across

1 Multi-purpose shot, for short 4 “___ on a Plane” 10 E-mail from Nigeria, maybe 14 Big Band, for one 15 Start, as a riot 16 What programmers write 17 Cameraman’s question about which talk show star to film?

20 Maritime patrol org.

21 Malaria-carrying fly 22 Concert memento 25 Darkest part of a shadow 29 Reagan aide Peggy and aviator Fred 34 Shrinking Asian body of water, with 63-down 35 Spanish NBA player who explodes in a volatile fuel mix?

38 Tell the cops everything 39 Coffee server 40 Title role for Peter Weller 42 They tow broken-down cars 43 Use a shiv 45 Menu phrase meaning “you can add pineapple to any item”?

47 Put on the payroll 48 Atones 49 Country on the Red Sea 51 Accompany 55 Genie’s home 60 Song from Sarah McLachlan’s “Surfacing”

61 Must decide which pitching feat to choose?

66 Ice skating jump 67 Save from peril 68 It’s small and strummable 69 Side 70 Lower, like regions 71 1/525,600th of a yr.

Down

1 Introduction 2 Bridge part 3 Ripped jeans cover-up 4 Obedience school lesson 5 Dir. opposite SSE 6 Eight, in Essen 7 Sportages and Spectras 8 Smurf suffix 9 Splinter group 10 Psychological patterns 11 Dove bar?

12 Super Bowl highlights?

13 Got together with 18 Getting older 19 Home of the Beavers, for short 23 MGM opening sound 24 “And I’m ready ___ right through the sky” (Richard Marx lyric) 26 Prickly bush 27 Tried to attack 28 Pond scum

30 Like some gases 31 “Girl with ___” (Renoir painting) 32 Night, to Noriega 33 Everett of “Citizen Kane” 35 Like annoying salesmen 36 “Glee” character Abrams 37 Take weapons from 41 Pie charts show them: abbr.

44 Flower that helps heal cracked skin 46 Musician’s org.

50 Smoking alternative, once 52 Strong loathing 53 Talk show host Lake 54 Occupied 56 Undecided, in an angsty way 57 Old school pronoun 58 Shopping trip sheet 59 ___ A Sketch 61 Head cover 62 Fire 63 See 34-across 64 Election Day day: abbr.

65 “Love, Reign ___ Me” (The Who)

buzz

19

february 9 - 15, 2012

readbuzz.com

AND ANOTHER THING ...

by MICHAEL COULTER

selling out Ferris Bueller’s Payoff For the sake of full disclosure, I should first point out that I’m writing this column before the Super Bowl. I usually turn it in on Sundays, so I toyed with the idea of writing it during the game, but I’m usually drinking during the game, so that would make its completion less than a sure thing. Plus, there’s always a chance the game will be good and I could be too excited to write the column. Joy and excitement should never be associated with this column, whether it’s the reader’s or mine. This is a pretty bad commercial for my column, and that’s probably not the last bad commercial that will be associated with the damned Super Bowl.

It’s a car commercial for Honda, I think — maybe something else. See, the damned commercial is already not working. Either way, the ad is a spoof or possibly homage to that Ferris Bueller’s Day Off movie. I liked that movie. It was sort of fun and happy and touching in that ”Ooh, teenagers are so interesting” sort of way, so I figured why not give the commercial a shot? There’s not much else going on, and I’m at the damned computer anyway.

Well, guess what the hell happened when I tried to watch it. I’m sure you have already guessed, but if not, I will gladly tell you. I had to watch a freaking commercial before I would be allowed to watch the commercial I actually sort of wanted to see. I purposely was going to let an advertisement try to sell me something, and I couldn’t even do that without watching an advertisement I didn’t want to see. CommerI will take it a step further and say that cials have not only taken over Ferris himself would not have been a huge the world — they also now run with an iron freaking fist. fan of getting pimped out to the man now it Okay, I have to admit this that he’s in his forties or fifties. He was all sort of made me laugh because it’s just sort of absurd. about good-spirited rebellion and having I wasn’t really done being pissed off, though. The more a good time. I imagine he would have I thought about Ferris Buelwent ahead and dove out the window ler being in a commercial, the more it seemed like a bad of the Sears Tower if he knew he would idea. Fortunately, the film’s dieventually become a corporate shill. rector, John Hughes, is dead now because this will make As you can see, I trickily and awkwardly buried it far easier for him to spin in his grave. I would the lead on that one. You thought it was going wager he would not have given the green light to to be about the Super Bowl, and all of a sudden this project if he were still alive and kicking. it’s about commercials instead. I did this so you I will take it a step further and say that Ferris wouldn’t get up in the middle of the column to get himself would not have been a huge fan of getting a snack. I’m sure that by the time the game is over, pimped out to the man now that he’s in his forties you will all have your fill of freaking commercials. or fifties. He was all about good-spirited rebellion Clever or not, funny or not, even genuinely touch- and having a good time. I imagine he would have ing or not; commercials seem like a terrible thing went ahead and dove out the window of the Sears to me, especially when I want to watch them.

Tower if he knew he would eventually become a As we all know, Super Bowl Sunday is sort of like corporate shill. I suppose John Hughes’ family the, um, Super Bowl for commercials. I apologize probably got some pretty good scratch out of the to all the dipshit writers who have already used deal, but I bet they were doing okay before they this analogy and thought it was clever. Anyway, sold him down the river. for a lot of people out there, the commercials are Now that the cat is out of the bag, I’m sure far superior to the actual game. I’m sure that at there’s plenty more meat for them all to pick off the very least, the commercials will be better than the bones. The Breakfast Club and that Proactiv Madonna’s halftime show. Apparently she’s de- pimple cream seem like a match made in heaven, cided to once again reinvent herself, this time as and that’s just off the top of my head. I can see this generation’s loudmouthed and untalented Molly Ringwald wrapped in insulation as she sings version of Carol Channing.

“Pretty in Pink.” It’s really the tip of the iceberg.

Anyway, here’s the deal — I’m writing about one I suppose I shouldn’t get all bent out of shape. particular Super Bowl commercial. Sure, it’s weird Honestly, I was probably not going to watch Ferris writing about a commercial before the game has Bueller’s Day Off again anyway, at least not in one even been broadcast, but it’s totally doable. The sitting. It was destined to be one of those movies thing is, this particular commercial was evidently that I watch five or ten minutes of every couple so amazing that they couldn’t just hold on and months when it happens to be on. Still, now I can show it during the game. They had to get it out never watch any of it again. I don’t necessarily hate there ahead of time, you know, because it’s so the character — just what he’s apparently become. fantastic. It’s really not, but whatever.

In retrospect, he was always sort of a douche.

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