z buz
champaign . urbana
The normal make a living, the deranged make history. The only way to tell my Dad something is to write it on a note, and tie it to a brick, and throw it through a window. Of course, now Dad’s armed with a brick. Screwed-up people settle fights through violence. This can escalate into a war that can kill millions. Normal people settle disputes over cookies, cakes, and pies. Normal people are fat. After all, once you’ve driven your drunk father to your mom’s parole hearing, what else is there? You got arrested for drunk driving and it’s my fault? Everybody has hope for the perfect love. Normal people are raised to believe that there’s someone out there who’s your soul mate, your best friend, your lover. My dad always told me that when you find that person, “You gotta nail her”! Growing up, road trips with Dad were something I hated. Sitting still for hours, singing that stupid song, “100 bottles of beer on the wall. 100 bottles of beer...” Dad, you know, keeping up with the song. If you ask my dad for help... he’ll help. Like a vulture helps an over-run armadillo on a Texas highway. One peck at the time. Dave has his moments. In fact, if you let Dave hit on a typewriter for, like a thousand years, he would eventually type the word monkey. In fact, he would only type the word monkey. That’s his favorite word.
w e e k l y
In my family, goodness is just badness that hasn’t had a drink yet. My dad’s full of encouragement and support. It just feels like abandonment and neglect. A salamander can grow a new tail in three weeks. My dad can score new tail in three minutes. I was raised by Ken Titus. I can see BS through eight miles of led enforced concrete through a blizzard. Erin has a special relationship with my father. She makes it possible for him and I to communicate. I mean without her, I’d be talking about him instead of to him. Dad is a new person. A person who has learned that forgiveness is better then revenge. Next year, we’ll teach him that heart attacks are not like women. You just can’t keep having them! My dad don’t like lies. He says it hurts people in the long race. He prefers the truth. That hurts them instantly. The most powerful person in your life is the one that knows all your secrets and all your lies. Dad thought you could get through anything if you just “quit being a wussy!” You could get your arm ripped off; Dad would find the arm, get some packing tape and . . . strap it back on.
4
FREEZING AND LOVING IT — FOR A GOOD CAUSE
03 | 09 | 06 . 03 | 16 | 06 s o u n d s f r o m t h e s c e n e FREE
THE DARK, DISGRUNTLED COMEDY OF CHRISTOPHER TITUS
pg. 18
14
PLAN YOUR WEEK WITH CU CALENDAR
13
LOCAL MUSIC AWARDS DJ NOMINEES